Katherine Ryan (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

Summary

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Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster

Katherine Ryan (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

Date: June 29, 2026
Podcast Host: Plosive
Guest: Katherine Ryan

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Episode Overview

In this bonus live episode of Off Menu, Ed Gamble and James Acaster welcome back comedian and author Katherine Ryan for a special “tasting menu” at London’s iconic Royal Albert Hall. Instead of her own dream meal, Katherine is given the menu of a previous guest—Joe Wilkinson—and reacts to each course. The episode is characterized by classic Off Menu banter, live audience energy, and Katherine’s razor-sharp wit as she reminisces about her own food history, discusses her relationship with Joe, and shares personal, often hilarious, food and life anecdotes.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Introduction, Live Show Banter, and Katherine’s Entrance

• [00:14-03:36]
  • Ed and James introduce the “tasting menu” concept and their admiration for Katherine.
  • Jokes about other guests having “no star quality,” banter about editing the live shows, and audience mishaps.
  • Katherine enters, discusses the backstage gift of knife and ingredients for her “Good Morning” signature cocktail.
    • Memorable moment [04:12]: Katherine: “In my dressing room you gave me the ingredients to make my signature drink from my appearance on off menu ... I’ve been chopping so many chilies limes and it’s way too spicy now I’ve made like a picante. I’ve ruined it.”

The Chili-Heavy Cocktail and “Hardcore” Tastes

• [04:12–07:06]
  • Katherine’s drink is so spicy it’s compared to a “weapon of war”.
    • Katherine volunteers the audience to try the drink: “Give it to those 13 year olds.” [05:15]
  • She reflects that her tastes have gone "hardcore" since her last appearance, especially with chilies.

Menu Reveal: Joe Wilkinson

• [07:21–11:19]
  • Instead of picking her own dream menu, Katherine is given Joe Wilkinson’s past Off Menu choices.
  • She discusses her friendship with Joe, recalling a travel show for Channel 4 and an infamous Wizz Air flight incident.
    • Memorable story [10:28]: Katherine describes chaos on a flight where a man soils himself, passengers panic about sitting near him, and the potential danger due to the shift in the plane’s weight distribution.
  • The absurdity of “Wizz Air” as a name when such an event occurs is roundly mocked.

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Katherine vs. Joe Wilkinson's Dream Menu: Course-by-Course

Water Course

• [12:25–15:12]
  • Joe’s Choice: Tap water from Ed's garden hose.
  • Ed describes his hose as “one of those that contract then get long, like a foreskin or an accordion.”
    • Comic highlight [13:08]: Ed: “I compare everything, everything to foreskins just in case.”
    • Katherine’s reaction [14:09]: “I would actually sooner drink from a foreskin ... I think is a breeding ground for bacteria. So I would not drink from Ed's garden hose.”
  • Mini deep-dive into Ed’s adult circumcision at age 23 due to “tightness issues.”
    • Ed: “You know on a hoodie when you got the drawstrings and someone pulls them really tight ... that was what my penis was like.” [13:37]

Bread Course

• [15:28–20:00]
  • Joe’s Choice: “Nice crusty bread that doesn’t fill you up.”
  • Discussion of bread’s “filling” reputation – Ed admits he’s always pretended to understand why bread fills guests up, but doesn’t really get it.
  • Katherine’s Confession [17:43]: “I don't like bread at all. I won't eat it. I basically have never eaten it.”
    • She discusses her Celtic ethnicity and family celiac history; reveals she is celiac herself.
    • Laughs about being booed for putting “bread” in Room 101 (and getting death threats over it).

Starter

• [21:00–23:19]
  • Joe’s Choice: Prawn cocktail—thinly sliced iceberg, small frozen prawns, tomato puree + mayo, paprika, and a lemon slice (which he throws away).
    • Katherine’s Take [22:45]: “Sometimes the shit version of something is better than the best ... I just really miss Taco Bell. And they go, well, there’s a lovely Mexican. I said, no ... I’m not looking for lovely Mexican. I’m looking for Taco Bell.”
  • Jokes about British food podcasts and rivalry with Table Manners/Jessie Ware.

Main Course

• [27:31–30:16]
  • Joe’s Choice: Two chicken Kievs from Waitrose, oven chips and peas (from a cheaper supermarket), and “loads of ketchup.”
    • Must be “the disappointing version”: Kievs must leak garlic butter, making them “soggy.”
  • Katherine [28:58]: “I actually love [Kievs]. I am allergic to them. I know now if you have celiac, you can’t have that either. Or any fun.”
  • Discussion of the Traitors, fame, and Joe becoming a “heartthrob” post-Celebrity Traitors.

Side: Oven Chips and Peas

• [35:13–39:10]
  • Katherine loves peas in all forms—“I used to eat a dish called peas and cheese ... just a bowl of tinned peas and I would cut up little cubes of cheese.”
    • Ed and team riff on the Fast Show’s “cheesy peas” sketch.

Drink

• [43:11–47:09]
  • Joe’s Choice: “Mango Magic” from a Chinese restaurant near Tenerife on Christmas Day.
  • Joe couldn’t remember what the Mango Magic actually was, or much about the context.
  • Katherine [44:58]: “I love the idea. I love the audacity of Chinese restaurants or anywhere being open on Christmas Day. ... I’m gonna imagine that the Mango Magic has [alcohol] in it.”
    • Proposes using “Mango Magic” as a code for gin in a coffee cup.

Dessert

• [52:23–55:19]
  • Joe’s Choice: Plain Viennetta (ice cream cake).
    • Katherine: “They look luxurious ... I’ve never actually eaten one ... It’s ice cream just in the shape of a rippled sort of cake?”
    • The group discusses favorite Viennetta flavors, the proper way to eat it, and how rare it is to actually have one.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Katherine (on bread): “I got death threats for that, mostly from the north.” [18:01]
• Ed (on his circumcision): “Circumcised when I was 23 due to tightness issues ... Like a hoodie when you pull the strings too tight.” [13:23]
• On Joe Wilkinson’s Menu:
  • Ed: “Rather than have the best version ... he wants the most disappointing version.”
  • Katherine: “Joe’s dream is to be disappointed.” [30:16]
• On bringing outrageous honesty to panel shows:
  • Ed, satirical, about his new panel show: “We talk about all the things you’re not allowed to talk about on Mock the Week.” [06:20]
• On British vs Canadian food terms:
  • Katherine: “We have that game in Canada ... it’s called cookie in the middle. That’s so sweet. ... Soggy Biscuit, you have better words for everything. Like nonce, I think is a beautiful word.” [26:27]
• Katherine, rapping as “K Ry Jelly”:
  “I objectify men to prove I’m really not gay. I love their dicks and I love their balls. They're naked in my videos and that's what you call a player ...” [58:25]
• On Joe becoming a sex symbol:
  Ed: “When Joe was on Celebrity Traitors, I’ve never seen more posts and messages from very thirsty women ... There’s something about that guy they fucking love.” [31:01]
  • Katherine: “Extremely fuckable.” [32:20]

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Live Show Energy and Audience Participation

• Frequent playful interaction with the live crowd, including audience reactions, light heckling, and topics about 13-year-olds in the audience.
• Katherine kicks off her shoes, embraces the cozy matinee energy, and keeps up brisk pace and quick quips.

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Running Jokes and Themes

• Ed’s “foreskin” analogies and story.
• Joe Wilkinson’s commitment to seeking out disappointment.
• The cast pokes gentle fun at themselves, British food culture, and podcast rivalries.
• Revisiting classic Off Menu bits: audience lamp-rubbing, genies, circumcision, and “soggy biscuit.”
• Katherine’s delightfully honest confessions—about diet, celiac disease, peas and cheese, and never eating bread.

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Significant Timestamps

• [04:12] Katherine’s chili-based “Good Morning” cocktail saga
• [10:28] Wizz Air “man poops himself” story
• [13:08] Ed’s circumcision/foreskin monologue
• [17:43] Katherine’s bread confession (and celiac reveal)
• [22:45] Taco Bell vs. “proper” Mexican conversation
• [28:58] Celiac, allergy, and Chicken Kievs
• [31:01] Joe Wilkinson, “heartthrob” and Christmas advert story
• [44:58] Mango Magic “gin in coffee cup” idea
• [52:23] Viennetta discussion and British childhood desserts
• [58:25] Katherine raps as Kry Jelly, “objectifying dads”

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Closing Reflections and Katherine’s Wisdom

• Katherine endorses loving and indulging yourself through food:
  “You should make every meal as delicious as it can be. So why you would set out to have the disappointing version of everything ... you’re worth more.” [61:18]
• She recognizes at her core she and Joe are both rebels, “a mix of high and low,” content to ignore food snobbery or trends.
• Katherine brings her trademark blend of irreverence, sincerity, and subversive feminism—whether rapping about dads or discussing Christmas dinners fuelled by mustard roulette.

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Conclusion

This live “tasting menu” episode at the Royal Albert Hall is a showcase for Off Menu’s signature blend of food obsession, surreal humor, brash honesty, and warm camaraderie. Katherine Ryan’s reactions to Joe Wilkinson’s menu—ranging from delight to incredulity—offer listeners a hilarious ride through British and Canadian food culture, family life, and celebrity anecdotes. The episode sparkles with improvisational chemistry, unexpected confessions, and playful audience interactions, making it both a fan treat and an accessible one-off for new listeners.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. But it's a bonus. It's a bonus live episode from the Royal Albert Hall, James. It was show two of six at the Royal Albert Hall.

[B]

The first matinee we did.

[A]

Matinee.

[B]

I hardly know her.

[A]

Matton B.

[B]

This is Katherine Ryan, of course, a classic off menu guest coming back for a tasting menu.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

When she gets given the menu of another past guest.

[A]

What a woman.

[B]

What a woman. What a comedian. What a celeb. What a national treasure.

[A]

Genuine star quality, James.

[B]

Genuine. Got stark quality. She got the X factor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's what you want at a matinee at the Royal Albert Hall. Very happy that Catherine came and did this.

[A]

Some of our guests at the Royal Albert hall had no star quality, James.

[B]

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, we're obviously talking about Nish.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And a little bit about Tim.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, like, still glad that they all said yes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

There will be some stuff we say to Katherine and maybe that Catherine will say to us. That won't make sense because there was a first half in the River Larbert hall where we messed around and said a bunch of stuff. Benito's actually toying with the idea of editing some of the first half of the Royal Albert hall and, like, putting out the highlights, which I think is mad. Yeah, you think it's mad. He says it's his job.

[A]

Yeah, you think it's mad. The way you reacted to that was like Benito said, I'm gonna go and trawl through a big pile of human shit. Yes.

[B]

That's what he said. I feel like in Jurassic park when they get out the car and they're gonna go, we're gonna trawl through this triceratops dung. And Jeff Goldblum's like, you shouldn't do that.

[A]

Benito's like the guy who lost that. Lost all his bitcoin, and he wants to go and search the dump.

[B]

Yeah, he's exactly like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Searching the dump for his bitcoin.

[A]

Bad for that guy, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just gotta let it go.

[B]

But I guess he can't at this point. The more that he pursues it, less likely. Yeah. The more he's got to lose when he. If he backs out. So he's got to kind of like. Because it's his time now, not just his money.

[A]

Yeah. Well, this is the situation that Benito.

[B]

This is what Benito's in. It's his time and his money. So he's too proud to back out at this point, but he shouldn't edit down those first halves because it will be. It will not be worth it. Yeah, not for him.

[A]

We said some funny stuff.

[B]

We said some funny stuff in the first.

[A]

Remember we got in the audience.

[B]

Yeah. We walked into. We discovered that walking into the audience was the way to go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was the like Barrymore. Should we listen to Catherine Ryan? Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's so good.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

This is the oven you tasting menu of Catherine. Welcome to the off menu podcast. Taking the. Thank you. Absolutely heartbreaking if that was the opening of the whole show. Taking Claire Bear's noodle soup of conversation and throwing it in the bin because it's an unhealthy mother and son relationship.

[B]

That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite the guest announcing their favorite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink. Not in that order. This week we're doing a tasting menu and our guest is Katherine Ryan.

[A]

Very very excited to have Katherine back on the pod. Of course it's a tasting menu. Catherine will be receiving the dream menu of another previous fan favorite guest. Who that will be will be revealed when we bring Catherine to the stage. But let's get on with it. James, please welcome to the stage Catherine Bryan.

[B]

Hello catherine.

[A]

Take a seat right here. Catherine, welcome.

[C]

Welcome boys. In my dressing room you gave me the ingredients to make my signature drink from my appearance on off menu.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And your lovely tour manager from Liverpool gave me the sharpest knife of course

[A]

and

[C]

I've been chopping so many chilies limes and it's way too spicy now I've made like a picante. Picante. I've ruined it.

[B]

It's disgusting.

[C]

Do you want to try it?

[B]

No.

[C]

It's good if you're from Mexico.

[A]

James, you're from Mexico, aren't you?

[B]

See before it's even gone in my mouth I'm choking on it.

[C]

It's so spicy.

[B]

It's so spicy.

[C]

It's wild.

[A]

This was the Good morning is the the name of the cocktail I believe

[C]

you told us it's the good but it's wild right?

[B]

Insane.

[A]

Hell Catherine.

[C]

But I just loved the knife taste

[B]

this light being pepper's great in the mouth.

[C]

Give it to those 13 year olds

[A]

so it give it to the twins.

[B]

Come on.

[C]

Not meant to give. You're not meant to give audience members glass but right. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. I mean for me it was when the chilli fumes hit the back of my throat before the liquid had got in there. It's it's honestly like a weapon of war.

[B]

Yeah. That's insane. You're not going to be able to finish that.

[C]

I've gone hardcore since I last saw you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Tell us some. Tell us some ways with which you've gone hardcore with your drinking and eating

[C]

just chilies, just chillies. Yeah. No. Well, it's been a time when I. It was immediately post lockdown when I first appeared on your show. And since then, there are wars that we're not allowed to talk about on Mock the Week. Did you know that? Are you coming on this season or are you.

[A]

I'm not going on Mock the Week this series. No.

[C]

No. Is it because you have your own surprise new vehicle?

[A]

We have a rival panel show on TLC coming out.

[C]

Will we be talking about the war on that?

[A]

I think so. I think that's very much the vibe of my new panel show on tlc. It's what we do is we talk about all the things that you're not allowed to talk about on Mock the Week.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

No, I just live fast, die young. That's my motto. Like you, James, we're talking about Fun Wars.

[B]

I remember Mott the Week never let us talk about fun Wars. Did you do Fun wars in Canada?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Are you good at them?

[C]

No.

[A]

Did you want to get in the lamp?

[B]

I meant to do my beginning. I just realized I haven't done my proper beginning.

[A]

Yeah, sorry. James isn't a genie yet, so obviously

[B]

do a proper beginning.

[A]

As you know, Catherine, James is a genie in this podcast, so.

[B]

Wow. Welcome, cup and lion, back to the team that's dropped the basement. You are sometimes. Yes, you were meant to rub the lamp, but I think. I think that got forgotten about.

[A]

Normally we get someone to rub the lamp in the traditional genie style for the genie to then emerge. But unfortunately, James, not for the first time in your life, it went off by itself.

[B]

You got me. Now, Catherine, is there anyone in particular whose menu you are hoping for today? Past guests who maybe you don't know their menu, but maybe you're like, I'd like to eat what that person eats. I respect.

[C]

I really liked Michelle de Swart's, like, very cheese based. Wasn't every course cheese.

[A]

No, I believe. I believe she started with a vape. I believe her starter involved having maybe a triple mango Lost Mary. Yeah, the connoisseur's choice, of course.

[C]

Yeah, definitely. I would like to try a life like that.

[B]

Michelle was very rude, that's all. I remember she said that I Was like if there was an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer's English cousin is coming to visit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Kramer's stressing out because the cousin's so weird and everyone's telling Kramer, but he's exactly like you. Yeah.

[C]

People don't like you to assess. Like, when people compare me to anyone, it's crazy Amy from Kitchen Nightmares. People know who that is, and I do resemble her. And then once Richard Osmond got crossed because I compared him to a cross between Marie Curie and a Great Dane.

[A]

Why would he get cross about that? That's a lovely thing to say.

[C]

I felt like it was spot on.

[A]

So Marie Curie did a lot, you know, did a lot for everyone. And Great Danes are nice dogs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Great D. Yeah.

[C]

It was not meant to be an insult.

[A]

Yeah, you are. I mean, that is the most you've ever been read. I'd say, James, that you are like Kramer's English cousin.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The only reason I didn't like the Kramer thing is because it was absolutely spot on and she'd done me.

[A]

Yeah. It's not Michelle Dewart's menu that we're giving you.

[B]

No. We can reveal the off menu. Menu that you will be enjoying today is that of Joe Wilkinson. Opinions on Jo Wilkinson.

[C]

Hate.

[B]

Fair enough.

[C]

You know, I got into a mess like this with Louis Theroux once where he asked me what I thought of a Certain Gentleman, and it went quite viral. And my opinions about Joe Wilkinson are the same. No, I love Joe. We did a travel show together, so I got to spend a lot of one on one time with Joe abroad. And the format was that we were going on bargain holidays for Channel four. A bargain channel. And I was really excited to take Joe's lead on all of these things until we flew to a country that could only be accessed via Wizz Air, and someone on our flight shot himself.

[A]

Someone?

[C]

Joe shot himself? No, someone did. And he wasn't, you know, infirmed or, like, super elderly. He was just, I think, on pills. And he wore sunglasses the entire time and was unapologetic about the incident. And that was fine. But the trouble was all the people around him wanted to get away, so they moved to the front of the aircraft, where I was, which was a safety risk because of the weight distribution. And all the staff were like, you can't all be at the front of the aircraft. You have to go sit near this guy who's shot himself. And they were like, no, we won't. And then I thought. I thought that I was gonna Die on a Wiz airplane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did the plane dip and then the shit just started sliding all the way

[A]

down to where all you were running away from the shit. Like Indiana Jones and the boulder. I would have sat next to the shit guy. I wouldn't have minded that.

[B]

Thank you, Matt.

[C]

You're a man of the people, Ed.

[A]

I am, very much. I've never flown Wizz Air.

[C]

Well, now none of us will.

[A]

Weird to be called Wizz Air. And then the guy does a big shit.

[C]

I have to say the flight crew handled it very professionally.

[A]

They handled it.

[B]

I like to think that there was someone pissing themselves on Dump Airways. I think we got our tickets mixed up. So when you came on, you had Stillwater, so hopefully you will like Joe Wilkinson's watercourse. The watercourse. The dream watercourse of Joe Wilkinson is tap from Ed's garden tap. Yes.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

We eventually got to. Joe thinks there's no difference between any tap waters. And we said we could imagine him drinking from a garden tap. So he said he could drink from my garden tap. From the hose. I've got one of those hoses. I don't know what hoses you're rocking at your house, Catherine, but the ones that contract up and then when you turn them on, they get all long. Have you seen those ones? They go all wrinkly like an accordion. Like an accordion. I think on the episode I said like a foreskin. But accordion works as well. They go. They go all wrinkly and then you turn on the tap and it goes out like a normal hose.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

It's pretty good.

[B]

It doesn't have a foreskin.

[A]

Yes. I don't know how they work. I compare everything, everything to foreskins just in case.

[C]

Can we. Can we explore why you don't have a foreskin?

[A]

Happy to. Circumcised when I was 23.

[B]

Waving to the 13 year olds. Before you start this.

[A]

Circumcised when I was 23 due to tightness issues.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Very tight foreskin. Kept everything under wraps there.

[B]

Okay. He had a very funny routine about it, about how when he came round from the anesthetic, he said to the nurse, have they sorted out my cataracts?

[A]

Yes, it was a good bit. The best way I can describe it is, you know, on a hoodie when you got the drawstrings and someone pulls them really tight for a laugh. That was like. That was what my penis was like. Fine, thank you.

[B]

Do you think you would like to have water for.

[A]

You've got to be Quicker with that question, Brother

[B]

Bed's garden tap.

[C]

I would actually sooner drink from a foreskin because I think that it sounds to me like keeping moisture. And we're back to the garden hose now in an accordion style, like structure I think is a breeding ground for bacteria.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

So I would not drink from Ed's garden hose. No, thank you.

[B]

Yeah. This is the difference between you and Joe Wilkins.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Is that you will think pretty quickly about how clean is that, you know, how hygienic is that. Joe Wilkinson is just like, quite excited about living like a dog, essentially. That is very different. So you. But that is what we're going to have to bring you.

[C]

Fine.

[B]

Is. I mean, do you want to drink it straight from the tap? Straight from the hose?

[C]

I will, because I've had this chili infused good morning with Don Julio white tequila, and I feel like any germs in my mouth will be immediately dead.

[B]

Yeah, my lips are still tingling. I had one sip. Your lips tingling?

[A]

Oh, big time.

[B]

Yeah, it was still tingling. This is mad. I'm trying to focus on doing a live podcast at the Royal Albert hall, but my lips are on fire. How do they do hot ones?

[A]

The show hot ones.

[B]

How do they even get through that? I think they'd be really hot. They'd be really spicy, that chicken. I think it'd make it really hard to focus on the answers to the questions. Not a very practical show. Joe Wilkinson. So you chose as your bread course corn chips and salsa. You were one of the first people to hack this course and not go popping on bread. And you want corn chips and salsa.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Joe Wilkinson had his dream bread. Nice crusty bread that doesn't fill him up. So that sounds all right.

[C]

What, how, like, does he access a paleo crusty bread? Does he mean, like, very thin?

[A]

I think he was invoking the genie's powers to suggest that you could create a bread. A genie could create a bread that you can eat loads of but doesn't fill you up. Because this is a big thing we get on the podcast of people coming on and going, oh, I love bread, but if I eat too much of it, it fills me up for the meal. And I always go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think it's time for me to admit I don't fucking know what they're on about, really. I will eat bread all day and then eat a full meal. I don't care.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I will eat all the bread and bring me more bread and then I will eat the full meal that I've ordered.

[B]

Yeah. You got to start being more honest on our podcast.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not too honest. Get your politics out of it.

[C]

Save it for your panel show.

[B]

Yeah, sorry. For this risky panel show that's coming out that loves war or whatever.

[A]

Just for the listener. To let you know how spicy the drink was, Catherine just topped it up with a full can of water because

[C]

I kept going back to it because I do love to get fucked up in the daytime, but it's too many chilies.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. You got a lot of parents in the matinee. Yep, yep, yep.

[B]

And you're taking your shoes off.

[C]

Yeah. Is that okay?

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. But I didn't know that that's how spicy this drink was. You don't want them firing off into the audience when you have a sip.

[C]

I just thought I'd get cozy. I like it here and I'm proud of you guys.

[A]

Thanks, Catherine.

[B]

I'm proud of us. Nice crusty. So crusty bread, though. Sounds nice. I mean, I guess you'd still rather the tortilla chips in this.

[C]

Well, controversially. And there will be already some people in the UK who know this about me. It is one of my most hateable qualities is that I don't like bread at all. I won't eat it. I basically have never eaten it.

[B]

You've never eaten it ever?

[C]

Not like by accident a few times. I just.

[B]

You're getting booed quite half heartedly.

[C]

So I went on room 101 years ago, and you have to put things infamously into a room and lock it away forever. And I put an actual person in that room. I put Cheryl, Tweety, Cole, whatever, Cheryl in the room. And I had some gags about her that were fun.

[B]

Why'd you put her in there?

[C]

Because I think that she would glass you in an alley in an instant. I think she's very beautiful. Like, gorgeous like a baby, you know, like. And really tiny. And. And everyone loves her. But I think we were tricked by how beautiful she was. And I had a hypothesis that she was pure evil. And even God is throwing everything he can at this thing. Malaria. It won't die. It's just. Just a bit of fun. At the expense of Cheryl Cole. Sure. And people didn't mind me putting a real, living, breathing, beautiful human woman in room 101. But I also put bread. And I got death threats for that, mostly from the north. They were like, how dare you? But I don't like it. I have Celtic ethnicity. A lot of people in my family have celiac disease.

[A]

So, you know, hey, so do you have celiac? Are you worried that you're going to trigger it if you start eating bread?

[C]

So I didn't grow up knowing I had celiac, but I do have celiac, but I never found out because I never eat bread.

[A]

Well, that's sort of best of both worlds, really. But then I guess bread holds this horrible potential for you where you're like, one day I might try it and my head might pop off.

[B]

What happens when you see.

[A]

Yeah, man.

[B]

Was that what that sound was a minute ago?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Old head popping off.

[C]

So I will eat Joe Wilkinson's crusty bread, but I will have to immediately board a Wiz Air flight.

[B]

So when you. Your starter was potato latkes with smoked salmon from the Four Seasons of in Toronto.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

I was living a different life.

[B]

You wouldn't choose that now?

[C]

No, I would. I just forgot that I had access to such luxuries before.

[A]

No longer. No longer have access to these luxuries.

[C]

Not really. Like when I just had my oldest daughter, who's now 16. We would go. We. She was so portable. We would go anywhere. I'd go to the Four Seasons and have potato locked. What did you call?

[B]

Latkes.

[C]

Yeah, latkes.

[A]

Very portable. Very portable. Daughter, if you don't know this, Catherine's daughter is on wheels.

[C]

Yeah. And I just haven't been to the Four Seasons, I guess, in a while. And I'd forgotten about smoked salmon because now I just eat, like, fistfuls of rice over the sink in between school runs. Yeah.

[B]

What are you hoping for from Jo Wilkinson, then?

[C]

Oh, God.

[B]

As a start,

[C]

I know Joe well. I ate with him a lot when we traveled around these bargain holidays he made me. He told me that it would be a bargain that we spend the afternoon cleaning rubbish off a beach, that we would get a free hot dog at the end. And he really enjoyed that hot dog. I saw him eat charcuterie a few times. He drank a lot of Fanta. So I think it's going to be like, bangers, a mash or something.

[B]

Okay. The dream starter of Joe Wilkinson is prawn cocktail. Now, it's got thinly sliced iceberg lettuce, little frozen prawns. And he was very specific that the prawns have to be very little. Those little piddly ones.

[A]

Frozen.

[B]

Yeah, that are frozen. A mix of tomato puree and mayonnaise, a pinch of paprika and a slice of lemon for decoration.

[C]

How'd you get that out of Joe Wilkinson?

[B]

How did we get him to say that?

[A]

Yeah. Honestly, it took a long fucking time. It was a live one. It was maybe 40 minutes to get the starter out of him. And specifically as well, that would be made by his mum, his mum's prawn cocktail that he sees his mum every week on his way to football and stays for 40 minutes.

[C]

He eats slowly, isn't he?

[A]

He eats slowly, but. Yeah. But this is a theme running through this menu that rather than have the best version of something he likes, he wants the most disappointing version of it. So he wants the prawns to have been frozen and defrosted. He wants the mayonnaise mixed with tomato puree, which I don't think is how you make the dressing for a prawn crunch.

[B]

No, normally it's tomato sauce and mayonnaise together with some like.

[A]

Oh, and the lemon is there. And he wants to take the lemon and then throw it in the bin.

[B]

Yeah, he's not actually using the lemon or squeezing it over anything there.

[C]

Oh, well, sometimes the. The shit version of something is better than the best. So when I moved to this country, there wasn't access to Taco Bell. There was no Taco Bell. I was pregnant with my aforementioned oldest daughter and I would say to people, I just really miss Taco Bell. And they go, well, it was a lovely Mexican. I said, no, I don't think you listen to me properly, Taco Bell. I'm not looking for lovely Mexican. I'm looking for Taco Bell. The opposite of lovely Mexican. And now there are many of them.

[A]

Are they as deliciously shit as you remember?

[C]

Yes, Maybe even worse. Yeah, I would eat this. I'm impressed by Joe and I would like to meet Joe's mother. I think it's important that we all meet Joe Wilkinson's mother.

[B]

Yeah, I'd like to meet Joe Wilkinson's mother. In my imagination, there's no way. She doesn't have a full beard.

[A]

She's a bearded man for sure.

[B]

Also, I'm not sure the shit version something is sometimes better than the best. I'd rather listen to off menu podcast than, I don't know, dish or that Jesse Ware one Table manners.

[C]

That's. I didn't know there was so much rivalry in the food based podcast world.

[B]

Well, there's not really. There's no. No one holds a candle to us. We're streets ahead. We, you know, we don't have to worry about any of that. They're chasing us. They're thinking about us 24 7, I'd imagine. Imagine all they do is think about us and Talk about us all the time. But, like, who would you rather sit down with and talk about food? Me and this legend or Grimm?

[A]

I love Grimmy.

[B]

Oh, yeah, sorry, me too.

[C]

It's Jesse Ware. Ed hates.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Big fan of Jesse Ware. I've been on both those podcasts.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I have been invited.

[A]

Yeah. A clip of me on Table Manners went more viral than any clip from this podcast.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah. Cause I started. I got myself into a situation where I had to describe to Jesse Ware's mum where the band Limp Bizkit got their name from.

[B]

Explain it to those kids. Okay,

[A]

that's fine. Because I've got my back to them. So there's a game called Soggy Biscuit.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Where?

[B]

Where?

[A]

If you've not heard of this great game, you got it. This. You don't need to buy anything for the game, really, apart from a biscuit. There's not like you don't need to buy a board or anything. It's fun at home for not all the family, but everyone who. I mean, it's for people with penises, really. You gather round it, you all start masturbating around the biscuit.

[B]

A lot of people don't know this.

[A]

A lot of people genuinely don't know this.

[B]

This is kind of worst case scenario, I'd say.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, imagine actually telling a lot of people about this for the first time in the Royal Albert Hall.

[A]

Well, you can see why the clip. See why the clip went viral. It was me telling a woman in her 60s in her own kitchen about

[B]

this game with her daughter present.

[A]

And then you. And then obviously, like the game, the winner, you got to come as quickly as possible onto the biscuit. And the loser, the loser has to eat the biscuit. I was mortified that I did that and that no one knew what the game was. And I had to explain it on the podcast. And on the way home, I googled it. And that's not why they called Limp Bizkit at all.

[B]

It's all in your head.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

We have that game in Canada for ice hockey. Players would do it, but we. Our name is not as good. It's cookie in the middle. Cookie in the middle.

[A]

That's so sweet.

[C]

It's no good. Soggy Biscuit. You have better words for everything. Like nonce, I think is a beautiful word.

[A]

It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

I feel like leave it to the Brits to add a touch of whimsy to even the darkest of subjects.

[A]

What do you Call them in Canada.

[C]

Uncle. We have to say Uncle. If I opened a restaurant.

[A]

If.

[C]

And it's never going to happen. Like a Michelin star restaurant. That kind of. I would call it nonce. Don't you think it sounds elevated?

[A]

It sounds French, doesn't it? It sounds very French.

[C]

Oh, you got to get a booking at Nons.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Try the aged venison filet.

[A]

Not aged too much, though.

[C]

Not too much.

[B]

For your main course, you had a Bangkok stir fry from Salad King, also in Toronto.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I was just talking to my husband Bobby about this stir fry on the way in, he was asking me about my menu. I was really hungry all the time when I lived in Toronto and went to uni. I think you're always hungry in uni. And then I think. I wasn't sure. I was trying to reminisce because he lived in Toronto as well. I said, was that stir fry so great or was I just really hungry? And we don't know.

[B]

Bobby doesn't know. Did Bobby ever try it?

[C]

Bobby's not a stir fry guy.

[B]

What's Bobby eat?

[C]

Meat. Exclusively.

[B]

I've only met Bobby twice, but I do think he's a meat guy. Yeah. See him eat in a steak.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Bloody yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobby's cool. The dream main course that you're gonna be given. Oh, no, the dream main course of Joe Wilkerson is two chicken Kievs from Waitrose, though, with chips and peas. Not from Waitrose. And loads of ketchup. Ketchup fan there.

[C]

A lot of fans of Joe Wilkinson menu there.

[A]

Joe got really worried that he was having to pay for the meal, so he really specified that, yes, the chicken Kiev can come from Waitrose because they're nice. But then the chips and peas, he'd go to a supermarket that cost less. How do you feel about chicken Kievs, Catherine?

[C]

I actually love them. I am allergic to them. I know now if you have celiac, you can't have that either. Or any fun.

[B]

We're actually only allowed to call them chicken. We can't talk about war.

[C]

I mark the week. It's just chicken.

[B]

Yeah, just chicken.

[A]

It was weird. They did. People started calling them chicken Keeves, though, didn't they?

[B]

Yeah, during the war.

[C]

Like if any silver lining from that conflict is that the general Western public learned how to pronounce Kyiv correctly.

[A]

Yeah, I bet they were delighted by that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We don't need any more help. Just make sure you rename one of your snacks.

[B]

Joe was very clear that it was important that the chicken Kev's leaked garlic butter.

[A]

Keeves.

[B]

James Keeves, Tim Keeves. As they're being cooked in the oven, the garlic button must just leak out of them onto the tray. Okay. So that the bottom is quite soggy. Yeah. And the whole thing. He said disappointment was a big part of the meal and it has to be disappointing. And he doesn't want it to be because we were like, we could use, like, it's your dream meal. We could make sure it's the perfect. He's like, no, it has to be there. That leaks out and that. It's all soggy and it's disappointing. When I'm eating it, I'm disappointed.

[C]

So Joe's dream is to be disappointed.

[B]

Yes. Which he can also, even, like, try. I mean, I find it very hard to relate to.

[C]

I wonder how Joe's doing now, because he. Because it must be very awkward for him that since he appeared on Celebrity Traders.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

He reached a new level of notoriety. I'm sure, like, that was such a big series. Then he had. That Christmas advert was snogging Keira Knightley.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was a weird one. Wasn't that the. His wife had died and so he was allowed to snog Keira Knightley. Is that the Christmas advert that he did?

[A]

Is that.

[C]

What happened was like, he's met a new genie.

[A]

First wish. I want my wife to die.

[B]

As far as I'm aware, people might be able to, like, correct me on this, but it's like, the premise is that his wife dies and then he's got his, like, you know, hall pass list or whatever of people that if he meets them, he's allowed to get with them. And then he meets Keira Knightley. He's like, great, my wife's dead and I get to get with Keira Knightley. Now, is that. Was that the Christmas thing that he did?

[C]

Yeah. People are saying, yes, James. Yeah. That's weird. It was a long advert. I was just captivated by Joe. I thought, oh, there's my friend Joe. I didn't. I didn't know why he got to snog Keira Knightley. I was just. I doubt he was disappointed by that.

[B]

I bet he was very happy with that. But, like, I don't know why his wife had to die.

[C]

Maybe the garlic butter leaked out of her the entire time. Really soggy bottom.

[A]

When Joe was on Celebrity Traces, I'd say I've never seen more posts and messages from very thirsty women going, joe Wilkinson's my new crush.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There's something about that guy they fucking love Joe Wilkinson.

[B]

When their husbands die, they're gonna get him. Do you watch the British Traitors?

[C]

I did, yeah.

[B]

I loved it. Do you think I'm seeing Joe in a new light now and I want to kiss him on the face.

[C]

I see him in the same light I've always seen him. Extremely fuckable.

[B]

Would you go on to their Betty Traders again?

[C]

Ask that question quickly. I thought you were going to say something else about Jim.

[B]

Would you go on Joe Wilkins?

[C]

Yeah, for the right fee.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It'd be tough to be away from my kids for four weeks, though.

[A]

Be nice end to the bargain holiday show, wouldn't it?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I know some people going on the night Celebrity Traders. So do you few comedians in.

[B]

Do I?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know anyone who's doing it.

[C]

Oh, I do.

[A]

I can't be party to this conversation contractually. Catherine. I am the host of the extra show. I'm part of the traitors family. I cannot be here for some sort of splashy headline situation. Catherine Ryan reveals who's on next Celebrity Traitors while sat next to someone who relies on this show to pay his fucking mortal mortgage.

[C]

Do they tell you in advance?

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, I'm gonna have to banish Ed. Worst liar ever. Ed is a traitor.

[A]

Do you think you'd be good on it though, Catherine?

[C]

No, obviously not. Well, a clip from your podcast came into my algorithm the other day and I love you guys. So I watched it and you were speaking about the text to all game on Michael McIntyre. And then by surprise, my name came into the mix and he said, oh. When I got a text from Katherine Ryan, she said, I'm going to do a routine about you on Graham Norton. And then Ed said, that's the one. You should have believed that Katherine would do that. I would do that because I don't. I can't keep a secret. I can't really tell a lie. For that reason, I should not be on Celebrity Traders.

[A]

I'd like to see it, though. I would like to see.

[C]

It would be good telly me just telling the truth.

[B]

No one's done that tactic yet. No one's gone on become a traitor and then gone. Just so you know, everyone, it's me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then everyone going, like, clearly can't be true, James.

[A]

If you've been. If you've been watching this show properly, you know they're not allowed to do that because it's part of the traitor's oath that they take at the beginning when they receive Their cloak from Claudia. They're not allowed to reveal it. And behind the scenes, it's revealed. Really imposed on them that please do not reveal you're a traitor. It ruins the whole format of the show.

[C]

Yeah. Yep.

[B]

Maybe you should tweak that format a bit. I think it'd be fun as everyone. Everyone should say it the next day. It's me. I'll be good on it.

[C]

You'd be great on it.

[B]

Yeah, I'd be real good at it.

[A]

In what role?

[B]

I'd know it would be you. I'd say it's Ed, but I wouldn't

[A]

be in it, James. So you'd just be accusing everyone and saying, it's Ed Gamble.

[B]

We'll see you eventually. I go, fine, we meet at last. I always knew you were the traitor. Reveal yourself. You're Claudia, definitely. She acts very suspicious on that show every time, saying weird things and walking out the room. No one goes, do you think she's a traitor? The side is more peas. I guess we should ask your opinions on because we haven't really talked much about the chips and the peas on the last one.

[C]

Love chips and peas. Love them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oven chips, though. They are oven chips that Joe's having. You happy with oven chips?

[C]

I only really know oven chips.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[C]

Where am I gonna get.

[B]

You only know oven chips?

[C]

Pretty much. I don't have a, like, deep fat fryer in the house, do you?

[B]

No, but like, I bet he does. But like, I.

[A]

Yeah, some people do. I don't happen to have a deep fat fryer in the house.

[B]

Nice try. Traitor.

[A]

I wouldn't have. They make the house stink, I'd imagine.

[C]

Does anyone have a deep fat fryer in their house? See, people are killing it.

[A]

That's a. Fuck all of you pathetic people with air fryers.

[B]

Why Gullible. Oh, yeah. So gullible. They're the people you want on traitors, the gullible ones. Falling for it the whole time.

[A]

Deep fat fryer people. Where are you all sat together. It's a coach trip from Leeds. Does it make your house smell good? Mix. A real mix there.

[C]

Oh, extractor fan.

[A]

Put it under the extractor fan. You'll be all right.

[B]

Yeah, for ages in my house. The extractor fan, we'd put it on and the fire alarm would still go off. And it was just like this, doing nothing. And we had our kitchen done last year and they looked at it and they went. This is trying to find. Doesn't go outside. Yeah. It's just there and you turn it on. And it makes the noise, but it just still is staying in the room.

[A]

Mine's the same. We moved the house. We moved into. The lady had done the kitchen so she'd just. Cause it looked nicer, had moved the oven away from the wall that goes outside and put it on the opposite wall that doesn't go outside. There's an extractor fan there. You put it on, it blows.

[B]

Makes it worse.

[A]

It's like smoke from a pan and it's just blowing it all around. Just like billowing, horrible smoke.

[B]

Yeah. Disgusting.

[C]

Could I just ask, could you hear this extractor fan chat or just me?

[A]

What, that entire chat?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Heard the first half and I tuned out the second half. I'll be honest.

[B]

Yeah. What we do is we cherry pick phrases that we understand and then we try as desperately as we can to riff on them.

[C]

Because I had a massive health assessment. Just because you should do that. And my grip strength was bad and my eyesight was bad and my resting heart rate was bad. Like, things were bad. But the lady said that I have incredible, incredible hearing. Like I can hear anything. And one of the things she made me listen to was a super high pitched noise that sometimes shops and neighborhoods will emit to detract teenagers, because only teenagers can hear. Like if it's really high.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like a dog whistle. Yeah, I can hear that.

[A]

Wow, you've got teenage ears.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I didn't even pay for those.

[B]

Is that why you're so good at detecting nonsense?

[C]

If I catch a man looking at my ears too long, James. I know, I know. He's trouble.

[B]

So you got more peas now? Do you like mushy peas?

[C]

I do like mushy peas.

[B]

I thought you would like mushy peas for some reason, I don't know what, because typically people go, nah, that disgusted. I hate them. But you'd be like, yeah, I like that. Whatever the thing that everyone else is like, no, get away from that. Gross. Catherine Ryan's gonna go, yeah, that's cool.

[C]

I like it with men. Usually that applies. I love peace. I love whole peas, I love buttery peas. I love hot peas. I love cold peas. I used to eat a dish called peas and cheese because I am allergic to a lot. So it'd just be a bowl of tinned peas and I would cut up little cubes of cheese and put it in. Really delicious. It's good.

[B]

Cheesy peas.

[A]

It's a fast show sketch.

[B]

Yeah, It's a fast show sketch, is it? Yeah.

[A]

Cheesy peas. Yeah, it's a What fast show sketch,

[B]

you know, someone's hearing hasn't a.

[A]

Sorry, shall I say it really high for you, Catherine? The first show. Do you remember the first show?

[C]

I wasn't here, but I know the reference.

[A]

Yes. So they had a sketch about cheesy peas.

[C]

Oh, what's the sketch?

[A]

I can't remember.

[B]

Cheese. It's peas. It's cheesy peas. Oh, that was the whole sketch.

[A]

The first show was brilliant. But when you repeat it back to someone who hasn't seen it, it does sound, doesn't it?

[B]

Yeah. It's very hard to make a sketch work. Just one person monologue at fine. But that was basically what it was. It's cheese. It's peas. It's cheesy peas. Peas and cheese. Cheesy peas.

[C]

It's good.

[B]

And that was it for the whole thing. Just kept repeating it.

[A]

Once at my school, we had to do this project where we got given a paper plate and a load of crepe paper and we had to make our favorite meal out of crepe paper on the plate. And then they would stick them to the wall. And my mum came into. They were doing like an open day and she was like, where's yours? I went, oh, it's over there. And I'd. I'd done cheesy peas. She'd never fucking cooked that for me in my life. And stuck loads of green crepe paper and then just like a sheet of yellow over the top of it. And she was genuinely worried, like, they're going to take you away from me because it looks like I don't give you any sustenance. And this was the same year I had to write a story, just come up with a story. And it was about a treasure hunt where every time they thought they found the treasure, it was empty. Gin bottom. Who do these people fucking think I am? Feeding you peas and then getting pissed.

[C]

My mum was too drunk to put a message in it.

[B]

He switched a short story about how tight his foreskin is.

[A]

Thank you, James. I'm glad that's become a running joke.

[B]

Can't run with a tight foreskin.

[A]

Do you think my foreskin was attached to.

[B]

You were locked.

[C]

It's too tight.

[B]

It hurts. What I want, please. That's what I imagine. Yeah.

[A]

They don't let you keep it.

[C]

Oh, they will. Wait a minute, wait a minute. How hard did you push? Because I think they would have let you if you really.

[A]

I asked, I said, can I keep the foreskin? They were like, no, we don't do that. That's mad, isn't it? I don't think you're allowed to keep stuff after operations if they've been cut off you. I don't know if anyone else here has been allowed to keep anything.

[C]

I've consumed three placentas in the last four years.

[A]

Yeah, but you got to do that quick before they come and take it away, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And to be fair, you ran in real quick and you knelt in front of the lady giving birth and then you go straight in your neck. Tasty. And they went out the room. Oh, no. Katherine Ryan got another one.

[A]

Maybe I should have gone private. I think maybe my issue was doing nhs. I should have gone private. And then they let you keep it. They make it into a necklace or something.

[C]

There are conspiracy theories now that if you don't keep your placenta, that the NHS sell it for 50 grand to some, like, biohacker.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, that they're selling placentas. But to those who want to live forever. But it's absolutely not true. It's like a filtration system, I think. It's not even good for you, that.

[A]

Matt, I reckon that man who's trying to live forever is definitely eating placentas, don't you?

[C]

But just for kicks, just for you,

[A]

just for a laugh.

[B]

Is monitoring his son's boners and stuff. Honey.

[A]

Yes. Do you know about this. This guy, Brian Johnson, he. He wants to live forever and apparently part of that is monitoring his son's boners.

[B]

Yeah, he monitors his and his son's erections. If I monitored my son's erections, the last thing I'd want to do is live another day.

[C]

How does he do it?

[A]

Well, there's a biscuit in the middle.

[B]

Your dream drink when you came on, of course, was the Good Morning, which you're drinking now. But the drink we're going to give you today, Joe Wilkerson's dream drink, is a Mango Magic from a Chinese restaurant near Tenerife on Christmas Day.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Now, we don't have any answers for you here, Catherine, because he didn't actually fully know what a Mango Magic was. He drank it. He couldn't tell us if it was a juice or a spirit movie. He knows it was called A Mango Magic. He doesn't remember what the. The island was called near Tenerife. He doesn't remember what that was called, where he went on Christmas Day. And he could only tell us that they went to a Chinese restaurant because they fancied a Chinese. So it's. I mean, you have to use your imagination here to tell us if you like this Mango Magic or not, or if you like the whole setup of going to a Chinese restaurant near Tenerife on Christmas Day.

[C]

I mean, I think it's the best version of a disappointing version of something. And for that, I really give Joe credit for this answer, because I love the idea. I love the audacity of Chinese restaurants or anywhere being open on Christmas Day. Yes, I do like that that's rebellious. And I like alcohol, especially on Christmas Day. I'm gonna imagine that the Mango Magic has that in it.

[B]

I guess because he was so vague, you can kind of put anything you want in the Mango Magic, and that could be your drink.

[C]

What if a Mango Magic is just gin?

[A]

Yeah, that's the magic. The magic is there's no mango. Yeah, it's pure gin.

[C]

I'm gonna start offering guests, you fancy a Mango Magic, they'll be like, yes, I do. Gin in a coffee cup.

[B]

Drink it down.

[C]

Catherine's on the Mango Magics again. Yeah, I like it. You know, Joe's a real outside the box guy. And I don't. You know, I don't think that you would. You would draw a parallel between myself and Joe Wilkinson.

[A]

Never.

[C]

But actually, at the core, we're quite similar.

[A]

Describe the core more.

[C]

I think that he's. He's a rebel, and I identify that way as well. Like, I'm not waiting for someone to give me permission to do something. I don't need accolades for being like, oh, you know how some people probably come on your podcast, especially these Hollywood actors that you've got now, and they curate their menu and they want to sound clever. And they do this with Desert Island Discs, too. You'll have politicians on there sometimes who are like, I like listening to the Cure. And it's like, you are a fucking liar. And I don't mind if people think that the music I like or the food I eat or the places I go are trash. I'm a mix of high and low media, like Joe Wilkinson. So, you know, you could see me in the nicest restaurant. You could also see me running away from a man with a full, full pants on a wiz airplane.

[B]

Christmas Day for you, Katherine Ryan. What's that look like?

[C]

Oh, I have been here for 19 years in the UK, so I've adopted some of your traditions. I like when people dress up on Christmas Day. I like when people have matching pajamas the day before. And I really like champagne on Christmas morning and orange juice. I think that's fun. All that is fun, but I've ruined that by having kids. So Christmas is really magical when they're little, but it's a lot of work. So usually now it will be my husband and I trying to build things that Santa's elves have dropped off until like 4 in the morning. And then the kids are up at like 5:30 and we're just fighting for our lives. And we really discourage family from coming anywhere near us.

[B]

Right?

[C]

Yeah. That's what we like. Just our family. Just the. I only like the people that I've made. And then sometimes I look around and I hate them because I go, everyone at this house has been inside of me.

[A]

On Christmas Day. Is it you? Is it you or Bobby who gets to carve the placenta? Are you having all the traditional trimmings for Christmas dinner?

[C]

I do like that. Yeah. But we've had some. We've had some arguments because Bobby, it won't surprise you to know Bobby just likes ham.

[B]

Yeah, of course. No way Bobby's eating turkey ever.

[C]

Bobby, hate Bobby laments the whole idea of turkey. He doesn't like any of the trimmings. He doesn't like any sides. Of course, I'm not doing Yorkshires or anything because I can't eat bread. I like roast potatoes. I like the veg. I love cabbage. I love all of that chicken. I like gravy. But I do like to defer to my husband sometimes. Last Christmas, I did two different honey roast hams and I did a mustard roulette. So we had like a horseradish mustard and we had a whole grain mustard and we had a hot mustard, an English mustard and a yellow mustard, French mustard. We did like loads of mustards and a few big hams and Bobby was really excited about that.

[B]

Was it a random thing of what mustard you got? Was it. Was it like. Or was it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

As the questions progressed, you eat. And a hotter one each time.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

James. Ed, it was not random, but you've just given me an idea for next year because we also used to play this drinking game in Canada where you'd. Maybe you have it here in between rounds of soggy biscuit.

[B]

Make sure you wash your hands in between.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Where you do a bunch of. Of shot glasses on one of those. What's it called?

[B]

Like a Lazy Susan.

[A]

Lazy Susan.

[C]

Yes, Lazy Susan. Okay. And you fill it with clear liquids. So round one, five are water, and then five could be like vodka, gin, zambuca, whatever. And then round two, four are water, four are the other clear. And you spin it and Everybody takes. Take shots. Do you have that here?

[A]

We have similar things. I think I never got on board with those sorts of games when I was, like, drinking a lot when I was younger. Because to me, the punishment shouldn't be that you have a drink because you're drinking. Right. So to me, I'd get the water, I'd be like, ah, fuck, keep going. Spin again, spin again. But, yeah, we have. We have similar games to that, but

[C]

as adults, don't you think that would be fun now? What with ham and mustard?

[B]

I would love to do a mustard one. Yeah. Well, it's like, you don't know what. Or like a spicy one. You don't know what it is.

[C]

And one of them's custard, but you

[B]

don't know the best one. I would love to get the custard one. Oh, man.

[C]

James. Traditional ham and custard Christmas.

[B]

Have I been to America, and they have, like, places that's like, frozen custard. And I got really excited when I first went there, and I was like, a frozen custard place. And it's just ice cream. I was like, oh, why is it not literally frozen custard? Yeah, that would be fucking great. And I don't know why somebody doesn't just open an actual frozen custard store now. Like, I might do it, but ice cream. Nice.

[A]

Ice cream is sort of frozen custard.

[B]

You know what you're talking about?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It would be great. I just love it. Not even frozen, actually, like, I guess custard. That would be great.

[A]

You want a custard shop?

[B]

I would love to go. Yeah, go in. And it's just like. It looks like, you know, it's all, like, all tubs, like, ice cream, but it's all just cold custard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they just put loads of. And it's all custard, different flavors. And they just put that in a massive, like. Like a milkshake, like, takeaway cup. And it's all just in there, layered up, loads of custard. And I go away and eat that. That'd be great.

[C]

That would be nice.

[A]

You'd do that?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I feel like if that place existed, you'd be dead within a week. James, to be honest, you'd be in the doorway of the custard shop.

[B]

What a way to go. I'd love to go like that. Bury me and the custard, man. For your dessert, you wanted a tootsie Roll cheesecake.

[C]

Oh, still do.

[B]

Is that a real thing? I can't remember.

[C]

No.

[B]

So you invented that. What is a Tootsie Roll cheesecake?

[C]

Well, I love Tootsie Rolls, and some of your guests who've come in from further away will know Tootsie Rolls, but they are. Yeah, they're available here, too. It's sort of like a chocolatey caramel molasses. It's kind of like a bit more dense fudge. I don't know. It's delicious. And I really love cheesecake, and I think you and I were just talking about my love for both those things, but that I can't have the biscuit bottom of a cheesecake, so make that Tootsie Roll. Here we go.

[B]

Does sound good. However, you're not about to get a Tootsie Roll cheesecake. You're gonna get the dream dessert of Joe Wilkinson, which is a plain Viennetta.

[A]

Yeah, it's a solid choice, I think. I think that was the one I was happiest with with Joe, that. Are you a Viennetta fan?

[C]

I think they look. Look luxurious.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, they very much look luxurious.

[C]

I've never actually eaten one. Is it. It's ice cream just in the shape of a rippled sort of cake.

[B]

Yeah. And all the chocolate stuff is, like, solid chocolate.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's the. The nice stuff is that it cracks, and you've got that, like, nice texture going on. I'd say the mint one is the best, personally. And I think it's crazy to choose the plain one over the mint one, but there you go. It's Joe's dream, not mine. But, yeah, it's like you have a kind of slice of it as opposed to a scoop.

[C]

And how many Viennettas would you say you've eaten in your life, James?

[A]

Good question.

[B]

Joe.

[C]

What?

[B]

I bet it's not as much as I'd think. We didn't really do Vienna as much in our household. Despite being massive ice cream heads.

[A]

My memory of Viennettas is Viennettas. You have to. I just thought I'd say something while you calculate how many Viennettas you've had in your life, James.

[B]

Yeah. And no answer I'm gonna come up with now is. I mean, it's just gonna be a number, isn't it? So I don't know how funny it's gonna be. You should go off on this tangent.

[A]

My memory of Vienna, and I've not had a Viennetta in years, sadly. But I feel like with Viennettas, I just remember you had to take them out of the freezer about a year before. You wanted to eat them. So you'd, like. Everyone would arrive for lunch. Like Sunday lunch, family lunch. You'd be like, we got a Viennetta. Before we put the chicken in the oven, let's get the Viennetta out of the freezer. Because they are rock solid, those things. But when you give them the time out there on the counter and then you cut a slice. Beautiful. The crack as you cut through a Viennetta. Pure heaven.

[B]

I probably had less than 10 in my life. Wow. I think. I think I've probably. Maybe even less than I would guess five.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

My entire life, in terms of times, I've had Viennettas. Each time there would be, like, one or two slices. So if you add them all up, I've probably had one Viennetta in my entire lifetime.

[C]

I imagine Joe unwrapping his, you know, like a burrito and just eating it on the sofa, bite by bite.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Chomping down on it. It's all in his beard and stuff. It's dripping down, but he doesn't care.

[C]

Keira Knightley comes along.

[B]

I really want a mint Vienna now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I might see if we can get one after this. We got.

[A]

We've got to stop doing this, because this happened last night where we asked for something on stage, and then Gilly, the tour manager, had to sort it out. Actually had to go out and buy something and bring it to the stage.

[C]

She's not buying anything with a knife that sharp.

[B]

When Joe was on, the secret ingredient that he would have got kicked out for was. And this should ring some bells for you, 42 calypsos.

[C]

Oh, yes.

[B]

What did you do for the mayor again?

[C]

So Joe and I were together on our series of taskmaster, and I. Yeah. And that was when our love affair began. I decided to rap for the lord mayor.

[B]

Oh, you rap?

[C]

I used to do a lot of rapping. And then after White Moms, I retired because, I don't know, like, Black Lives Matter really came into the forefront. And I was like, I. I am doing a lot of white nonsense. And so I stopped. But not. And White Moms went very. It got like 40 million views. Are you familiar with White Moms?

[B]

No. I'm laughing because I think when the Black Lives Matter movement started, a lot of white people, we all reflected on stuff and our behavior, but I don't know if many people went, I gotta stop rapping. That was your thing.

[C]

It was one of the microaggressions.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

That I needed to.

[A]

And thank you for stopping. I think it did a lot for the cause. Everyone was very grateful.

[C]

But I still wrote a couple raps like I'd like to rap again. And I think that I

[A]

just for the listener. I turned to the audience as if to say, do you want to hear Katherine Rap? And 10 seconds of silence later, someone whooped.

[C]

Well, because I think you can do a lot of good with rapping. So people, I never set out to offend men in my comedy. If I do, it's just a bonus for me. And I think that as a feminist, people assume that I would be against, against a lot of the music that objectifies women. But I'm not. I love it. I just think that we should also have music that objectifies men and specifically dads. So I've really focused a lot of my work in the last six years on objectifying dads when I see them. And I wrote a rap that was. I'll do it for you now. But if you cut it out because of Black Lives Matter.

[B]

But not the black lives in this room. Apparently they can all sit and hear it. Can they?

[C]

Oh, and my. And my rap name is Kry Jelly.

[B]

Okay, that's good to know. Thank you for the content.

[C]

It goes. I'll see if I could remember it. I shouldn't just have this to memory. Okay. It goes K ri Jelly. Cause my ass is fat when I shake it on the school run people. Jelly. That. It's a fact. Excuse me if I'm hot and bothered. I'm distracted by the penises of some of the fathers. Like which dad will I fuck today? I objectify men to prove I'm really not gay. I love their dicks and I love their balls. They're naked in my videos and that's what you call a player. What is it? They're naked in my videos and that's what you call a player. A big deal. I'm an al female. I fuck so many dads. I'm selling pussy wholesale orthodontist. That's my hoe engineer. That's my hoe school headmaster. That's my ho builder pilot. Both my hoes. Every man is just built for sex. When I sit on their face I shout yo, who's next? They call me, text me, I'm like chill, I don't love you. Be for real. I got my husband. You're a groupie begging for a dollar when you're not worth a rupee. I disrespect and devalue men. They still buy tickets to my shows and then I fuck em again. When? Well, well, wait.

[B]

It's actually good.

[C]

I disrespected devalue men. They sold my tickets to my shows and then I fuck them again. When will gender roles be dismantled in hip hop? And when will your dad come by and show me his big cock? And then.

[B]

Yeah, good. It's good. Rapping.

[C]

Well, you see, it's for a cause.

[B]

Very important.

[C]

I did celebrity men. I'd be like Bradley Cooper. That's my hoe. Jackie Chan. That's my hoe. Stephen Hawking was my hoe.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I love that. I missed it a lot.

[A]

Yeah. I think you should go back to rapping.

[C]

Well, when there's equality and the whites sort themselves out, I will.

[B]

That might be the push that some white people finally need to get their act together so they'll never hear Kathryn Ryan rap again until they sort it out. What do you think of at the end of the menu now? What do you think overall of Joe's meal?

[C]

Joe is so unhinged. I love him. I think he's pure of heart. I think that his menu's not too bad, actually. I like chicken Keeves, but I do feel this way, boys. I think that you're on this earth by some type of magic miracle. And if you can and if you have the means to like. Food is so exciting. It's such an indulgence. You should make every meal as delicious as it can be. So why you would set out to have the disappointing version of everything, like, if you love peas, eat peas. If you love Viennetta, have the best, most like perfectly thawed Viennetta that you can have, but don't have, like the shit version of anything because you're worth more.

[B]

Yeah. Powerful words.

[A]

Powerful words from K Ride Jelly, but

[B]

I wonder how they would sound in a ride.

[C]

I had one about the nhs,

[B]

but you'll have to wait till the world is equal.

[C]

I don't remember that one, but it was during the COVID stuff. And I'll just give you this little insight is it was to thank the workers and it was called make that Ass Clap for the nhs. And at one point I was getting double jabbed. We'll leave it there.

[A]

We'll leave it there. And what a lovely way to end this episode of the tasting menu's Live at the Royal Albert Hall. Please give it up for Catherine Ryan.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Thank you so much, everyone. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. See you later. Well, there we are. Jimmy James, that's Katherine Ryan at the

[B]

Royal Albert hall where she belongs.

[A]

Yes, very much so. A great episode.

[B]

Catherine's got podcasts, you know.

[A]

Yeah. She's got two.

[B]

Telling everybody everything and what's my age again? What's my age again? What's my age again?

[A]

Which is a really good idea for a podcast, but one. I never want to be a guest.

[B]

Nobody likes you when you're 23.

[A]

She takes your blood for that one.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

She takes your blood.

[B]

What, Is that true? Yeah. Why?

[A]

And tells you your biological age.

[B]

Add your cum.

[A]

No, that's a different. That's a different podcast. That's my new podcast.

[B]

Oh. All the small things.

[A]

It's called Ed Gamble wanks you off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I big everyone up for ages. I go through their CV and I'm like, that was brilliant. And then the big finish at the end as I genuinely wank them off.

[B]

How many nights you doing at the Royal Albert Hall? Quite a few, I'd imagine.

[A]

We're doing eight.

[B]

Eight nights? Yeah. Add some better days. Yeah.

[A]

Get some young bucks on, See if we can hit the ceiling.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll tell you what, Dragon rights there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you managed to hit the ceiling, it would have rolled out the whole week. That's good stuff. Thank you to Catherine. Thank you to you all. Thank you to Benito for editing this. And you can all look forward to another bonus episode soon. Bye.