Mawaan Rizwan

Summary

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster

Guest: Mawaan Rizwan

Release Date: September 10, 2025
Episode Theme: “Your Dream Meal” — With surreal, playful, and heartfelt choices from comedian, writer and BAFTA-winner Mawaan Rizwan

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Overview

In their signature style of irreverent food chat and digression, Ed Gamble and James Acaster welcome Mawaan Rizwan to the Dream Restaurant. Mawaan brings a uniquely nostalgic and eccentric menu, blending sincere childhood memories with surreal fantasies (Teletubby food, anyone?), alongside stories about his creative process, family, communal living, and a love-hate relationship with English cuisine. This is an episode filled with laughter, memorable quotes, and much discussion about the texture and sensation of food—the crackle, the skin, the crispy scrapings.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Introduction & Banter

[03:54–06:23]

• Ed and James reminisce about Mawaan’s Taskmaster appearances—most notably, his “making the cow disappear” trick and the infamous “helium in an egg” attempt.
• They joke about the “Secret Ingredient”: If a guest chooses an egg filled with helium, they’ll be ejected from the Dream Restaurant.
• Mawaan is lauded as a BAFTA winner for his show “Juice” and discusses shared glory and imposter syndrome over creative awards.

Quote:
“He tried to put helium in an egg.”
—Ed Gamble, [04:49]

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2. Setting the Scene / Food Nostalgia and Rituals

[06:31–13:45]

• Mawaan opens with, “My body is ready,” as the Dream Restaurant begins.
• He describes his habit of not eating all day before a special meal—snacking on crisps for “empty calories,” so he stays hungry but not starving.
• Discussion ensues about nutrition misunderstandings, bold cycling along canals, London life, and mangoes' cultural importance.

Quote:
“You know when you just have loads of potatoes and it fills you up?”
—Mawaan Rizwan on “big potato lunch,” [07:30]

Insight:
Mawaan reflects a food philosophy of balancing anticipation and satisfaction—holding out for the big experience but not going overboard with hunger.

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3. Awards, Anxiety, and the Surreal

[12:01–14:50]

• Brief, comic detour on naming conventions (‘series’ vs ‘season’) and the pressures of following up a BAFTA-winning show.
• Mawaan gets real about imposter syndrome, wishing “to make my show in a cave, not be compared to anyone.”
• “Juice” Series 2 will be even weirder, leaning into horror-comedy and stylistic risk.

Quote:
“Let me just make a show and then don’t compare it to anything and don’t tell me it’s good.”
—Mawaan Rizwan, [12:52]

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4. Mango Chutney, Mangoes & Food Authenticity

[13:50–17:22]

• Mawaan confesses he “hates juice” and mango chutney, calling the latter “just sugar,” despite loving real mangoes.
• Dissection of how “mango” flavor in products is rarely accurate (“Mango shower gel is apple. Mango vape: triple mango is triple pineapple and apple.”)
• Joyful exaltation of Asian/Pakistani/Jamaican mangoes—presented in shops with gold tinsel and pride.

Quote:
“If it was in that other room, we could smell it from here.”
—Mawaan on superior mangoes, [15:15]

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5. Still or Sparkling (and Communal Living Lessons)

[17:22–20:57]

• Mawaan picks still water, branding sparkling “chaos” and recounting a pseudo-historical tale of carbonated water.
• Lentil lore: breaking down why lentils must be soaked for gas avoidance, relayed from his years in a communal “commune” ("not wild wild country; it was a shit house") in Shadwell, complete with gas incidents.
• Extension into communal sharing habits, and Mawaan’s quasi-leader potential (“I think you’re charismatic enough; you could convince some people to do that.”)

Quote:
“You gotta soak your lentils, girls. And you gotta do it like, all night.”
—Mawaan Rizwan, [19:15]

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6. Dream Menu Selections

Poppadoms or Bread

[25:17–28:08]

• Without hesitation: “Poppadoms, all day; give me the crackle.”
• Describes poppadoms as the perfect sensory, textural food—associating the sound with pleasure ("food is all about the sensuality, the sounds").
• Ritual: prefers taking a whole poppadom, biting so it “goes everywhere,” relishing the mess.
• Favourite dips: yogurt (raita), achar (Urdu for pickle), mango pickle (“that tastes like mango”), but never mango chutney.

Quote:
“I want poppadom in my—everywhere. I want to be finding it in my beard for weeks. You gotta make a mess.”
—Mawaan Rizwan, [27:47]

Starter: Tubby Toast (with Tubby Custard dip)

[33:04–40:21]

• Childhood fantasy: The pink “tubby custard” and toast from Teletubbies. Wants the dish to look “plasticky and fake, like on the show.”
• Describes the imagined taste: crispy, glossy-glazed toast (“like a thick poppadom with glazing… maybe royal icing”), pink custard that is “not too sweet, like Krispy Kreme filling but pink.”
• Teletubby Land is an emblem of escape and comfort—but he doesn’t want the Teletubbies around (“just my friends and the baby sun; Nunu the Hoover can stay for cleanup”).

Quote:
“It needs to look really plasticky… Because it looked so fake, and that’s why it was so delicious.”
—Mawaan Rizwan, [37:08]

Main Course: English Food (Penne with Baked Beans, Butter, and Sweetcorn)

[42:19–47:22]

• The ultimate “English Day” treat from his childhood: penne pasta mixed with a whole block of butter, Heinz baked beans, and sweetcorn.
• Cites textural variety (“soft beans, a little bite from sweetcorn”), and claims the dish is “pure happiness, and it tasted like happiness.”
• Sometimes topped with grated cheddar (“the weak fridge cheese”) for extra Englishness.

Quote:
“My mum would make English food… She’d get penne pasta, a whole block of butter, can of beans, can of sweet corn. There’s your English food and it tasted like happiness.”
—Mawaan Rizwan, [42:53]

Side Dish: Cheese Scrapings (“Dragonda”)

[50:17–53:35]

• “Greatest pleasure” is the crispy, crusty burnt cheese scrapings from the edge of a cheese bake—wants an entire plate of them, “done up like a fancy meal.”
• Prefers them from lasagna, especially with Edam cheese for good melting.
• The side dish is humorously given a French-adjacent fancy title (“Dragonda”—dragon d’er, drag on the plate).

Quote:
“If you do any kind of cheese bake, the crusty bit on the side, that’s a bit burnt—the pan scraping—I want a whole plate of that.”
—Mawaan Rizwan, [50:36]

Drink: Faluda with Pistachio Ice Cream

[58:13–59:13]

• Picks faluda, a South Asian dessert drink made with rose water, rose milk, vermicelli noodles, basil seeds, and a scoop of ice cream (“the gayest drink you’ll ever drink”—fluorescent pink, “amazing”).
• Pistachio ice cream preferred “because green and pink.”
• The pairing logic: “If McDonald’s can give you a milkshake with your meal, I can have faluda.”

Quote:
“Faluda—it’s the gayest drink you’ll ever drink. It’s amazing. Like, fluorescent pink.”
—Mawaan Rizwan, [58:57]

Dessert: Russell Tovey’s Bicep Cake

[66:34–71:16]

• Recalls “the best cake [he] ever tasted”—a hyper-realistic cake version of Russell Tovey’s arm, made for a scene in Mawaan’s show “Juice.”
• The cake: perfect Victoria sponge with fondant/marzipan exterior painted to look like Tovey’s flesh/veins.
• Wishes for Russell placed on the table, arm presented “with a sprig of mint in the palm”—the whole theatre and absurdity contributing to the taste.

Quote:
“Something that looks like an arm when you bite into it… It was incredible. The jam was just jamming, the buttery top was just buttery topping… it was so good, man.”
—Mawaan Rizwan, [68:15]

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7. Food, Ritual, and Playfulness

[71:16–72:41]

• The menu is read back—Mawaan sheepishly acknowledges its juvenile surrealism, but also its sincerity and inventiveness.
• Ed and James express genuine fascination and desire to taste these items, especially the cheese scrapings, Teletubby food, and the “English food.”

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8. Memorable Tangents & Quotes

• On dreams: “I have nightmares about hiding a body somewhere and I’ve not even done that.” ([21:50])
• On seeing his therapist in public: “We nodded at each other like spies.” ([24:45])
• On nostalgia and escapism: “Life’s easy in Tubby Land.” ([35:45])
• On pragmatic culinary invention: “I’m obsessed with making the byproduct the main meal.” ([55:35])

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Timestamps for Notable Moments

• Taskmaster & Secret Ingredient: [04:43]
• Mawaan’s method for pre-meal hunger: [07:00–07:44]
• Mangoes, Gold Tinsel, and Asian Shop Rituals: [15:11–16:09]
• Commune & Lentil Soaking Wisdom: [19:15–20:31]
• Popcorn/food mess rituals: [28:08]
• Dream Starters (Teletubby Food Jeopardy): [33:04–40:21]
• English Food Main Course: [42:19–47:22]
• Greatest Pleasure—Cheese Scrapings: [50:17–53:35]
• Faluda Description: [58:13–59:13]
• Russell Tovey Arm Cake: [66:34–71:16]

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Final Words & Tone

This episode exemplifies Off Menu’s blend of comedic chaos, pop culture nostalgia, culinary honesty, and guest-led tangents. Mawaan Rizwan’s menu is whimsical but rooted in the sensory, textural, and emotional “crackle” that makes food memorable. From poppadoms and childhood penne-and-bean concoctions to surreal arm-cake and faluda, every dish is presented with affectionate detail and a big laugh.

Closing Quote:
“Now that’s a menu. That’s good, isn’t it?”
—Mawaan Rizwan, [72:02]

Hosts’ Take:
“The cheese scrapings: stroke of genius for me… I would also try the custard skin, considering the amount of effort that went into making… What a guy.”
—James Acaster, [73:40]*

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Menu Summary

Water: Still
Bread/Poppadom: Poppadoms (whole, for the “crackle”), all dips except mango chutney
Starter: Tubby Toast and Tubby Custard (imaginary Teletubby food)
Main: “English Food” — Penne pasta, block of butter, Heinz baked beans, sweetcorn, (optional: grated cheddar)
Side: Cheese scrapings (“Dragonda”) from the edge of a lasagna, preferably with Edam, elegantly plated
Drink: Faluda (rose milk, vermicelli, basil seeds, pistachio ice cream)
Dessert: Ultra-realistic Russell Tovey bicep cake, marzipan and Victoria sponge, presented with a mint sprig

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For a full journey through both the absurd and the affectionate, this episode is essential listening for food, comedy, and Taskmaster fans alike.

Transcript

[A]

James Huge news from the world of off menu and indeed the world of the world.

[B]

Yes. Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

[A]

I have. We've done live shows there and guess what? We're doing more live shows there next year. Sure, a lot of them are sold out already, but we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone. Let's put on one final Royal Albert hall show in that run. The show will be on Monday 16th March. It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest. Those shows have been a lot of fun. We cannot wait to do them live. Who will we pull out of our little magic bag? You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

[B]

If I'm correct in thinking pre sale tickets go on Pre sale on the 10th of September.

[A]

Pre sale tickets are 10th of September at 10am and then the general sale is 12th of September at 10am so if you miss out on the pre sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

[B]

The day in between is for reflecting.

[A]

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

[C]

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[A]

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Taking the spaghetti hoops of conversation, warming them in the pan of the Internet, and pouring over the hot buttered toast of friendship.

[B]

Spaghetti hoops on toast. That said, Gamble, he's spaghetti hoops. Oh, I just realized what I've set up here. Oh, we got a dog called toast.

[A]

Yeah, but then who are you?

[B]

I'm James Acaster. We own a drink restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favorite ever start a main course, dessert side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is Moan Rizwan.

[A]

Amazing comedian, writer, performer.

[B]

I'd say one of my favorite Taskmaster moment or, like, ways of solving a task ever on Taskmaster is making the cow disappear.

[A]

Oh, yes. Very good.

[B]

I think it's so good. Simple, effective, clever, and done with so much joy.

[A]

But then also, he did one of the stupidest things I've ever seen on Taskmaster. Maybe this should be the secret ingredient, actually.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

He tried to put helium in an egg.

[B]

Yeah, let's. Let's have that.

[A]

Helium.

[B]

The secret ingredient, which we have every week, which, if the guest picks it, they'll be kicked out of the dream restaurant is an egg filled with helium.

[A]

Egg filled with helium.

[B]

Absolutely. That's great.

[A]

Helium egg.

[B]

Wow. That's ambitious. Respect. Full respect. BAFTA winner. Of course.

[A]

BAFTA winner.

[B]

Juice series took us out.

[A]

Like me.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Ed won a BAFTA because Taskmaster Series.

[A]

9 won a BAFTA and I won Taskmaster Series 9.

[B]

So Ed did win the whole BAFTA. Is that the whole thing's yours? Are you a part of that?

[A]

I think so. If you win the series, you win the awards that are given to that series.

[B]

And of course, they're both heads.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So like the, the.

[A]

Oh, that's a really good point.

[B]

Yeah. Right. So the taskmaster is Greg's head. That's the trophy. And then the BAFTA is ahead as well.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

I'd never thought of it like that before.

[B]

You could put the BAFTA mask on top of the Taskmaster one and make.

[A]

Greg wear the BAFTA mask. Sent me the bafta, actually, and it was a while ago. I guess Covid got in the way.

[B]

Yeah. You should bring it up.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I will.

[B]

So you. So you get that Moan? Of course. One for Juice Series one.

[A]

Yeah. And, well, the whole team won for that, I think the whole team on Juice.

[B]

I thought Moan won for his performance.

[A]

Yeah. But that's, you know, you can't credit the performance with just yourself, can you? So Moan shared his. And I've got one. A whole one.

[B]

Oh, yeah, sorry.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well done. Congratulations again.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Juice Series two is coming soon.

[A]

Very excited.

[B]

Make sure you watch it. We are going to first, though, hear what Moan would like for dinner.

[A]

This is the off menu menu of Moan.

[B]

Juan Rizwan.

[A]

Welcome Muwan to the Dream Restaurant.

[D]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

Welcome Muan Rizwan to the Dream Restaurant. We'll be expecting you for some time.

[D]

I'm ready. My body is ready.

[B]

That's.

[A]

I mean, no one's ever opened with my body is ready. But that's exactly how people should be opening the podcast.

[B]

Is it appropriate for me to say, your body looks ready?

[D]

Thank you, man.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

I've not eaten in a week.

[A]

Is that what you say when you go into every restaurant? Do you tell the waiter, my body is ready?

[D]

Do you know what? From now on.

[B]

Yes. Yeah.

[D]

And by that I mean, you know when, like when you're like, spending money, you're going for a good meal. Yeah, I honestly don't. I don't eat all day, man.

[B]

Really?

[D]

Yeah. And then it's extra tasty. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

The whole day you just put. Do you, you know, have to actively resist eating food all day?

[D]

I. I try. I snack because, you know, no one's trying to die out here. Yeah, but, you know. Do you know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

But I slightly, like drip drab the nutrients.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

I'm not having like a Big potato lunch. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A big potato. What's a big potato lunch?

[D]

You know, a big potato lunch, guys.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

No, you know when you just have loads of potatoes and it fills you up?

[A]

Yeah, I. I completely agree with you. I. I can't be too hungry when I go into a restaurant though.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Because then I'm almost not enjoying the food. I'm just inhaling it.

[D]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

And then I just want everything.

[D]

Oh, you don't want to be too hungry.

[A]

I don't want to be like so hungry that I'm eating that first course and barely even tasting it.

[D]

Oh, God.

[A]

Cuz my body's too ready.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You don't want your body to be too ready.

[D]

Yeah. You don't want to be too. No, no, no.

[A]

I want to be. Yeah. Vaguely ready.

[B]

So you don't want a big potato lunch, but you will snack. Little bits.

[D]

No, we'll have little potato lunch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Potatoes.

[D]

Thin. Thin potatoes. Crisps.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Slice it really thin. Fry it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I believe they call it Chris.

[A]

Chris.

[D]

Yeah, It's a way of still, you know, and crisps, like, are so, like with empty calories in it.

[B]

So are they?

[D]

Yeah, it's nothing food.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

They don't fill you up, so they make you hungrier.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't know they're empty calories. Crisps.

[A]

I think so, like. Because if you think about it, like, I don't. I don't think I've ever filled myself up on crisps.

[D]

When I say empty carries. It's not like they don't have any calories. Oh, as in.

[A]

I'm sorry, James, you don't understand the phrase.

[D]

Yeah, I do.

[B]

Yeah. I don't understand.

[D]

If you don't have big potato lunch, you ain't gonna know. As in they basically give you no nutrients, but they give you calories.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[D]

That's the opposite of broccoli.

[B]

I get what you mean.

[A]

So like normal, like normal coke.

[B]

So I haven't really understood empty calories over the years because I. I just see that as a green light to just fill up.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Just absolutely those things. I won't put on weight.

[A]

But actually empty calories, not calorie, empty.

[B]

I get.

[D]

Yeah. I'm so sorry, man.

[B]

Oh, no.

[D]

You need to rethink your whole nutrition plan.

[B]

I will take nutrition tips off you. You're a healthy guy.

[D]

Thank you, man. I try.

[B]

Saw my one once cycling down the canal, didn't I?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Remember that?

[D]

Yeah. I nearly fell in I'm glad you.

[A]

Knew that he saw you cycling down the canal because this would be creepy as hell if you didn't see him.

[B]

Yeah, I kind of like, at the last minute was like. Like double point right at him.

[D]

Yeah. It was creepy anyway, you know what I mean? Like jumping out of a bush in the canal. Well, you didn't jump out. What were you doing? Were you running?

[B]

I was just walk, you know, the opposite direction. Saw you at the last minute, did a double point. Really over the top.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

This guy. Without really knowing each other very well.

[D]

Yeah, man, it was stressful. I'm not gonna lie, James. It was stressful. I love you, man. I love your face. But it was just. I was going so fast before I could say hello, I'm already past. You know what I mean? And those. I hate those meets because if we're both walking, at least we can be like, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I am slightly disappointed to hear that you're the sort of person who cycles by the canal really fast.

[D]

Yeah, man, I take risks.

[A]

I hate those people.

[D]

I cycle every day. I nearly die if there's a pram. I don't give a. I take Priory.

[B]

Yeah. You jumping over the pram, like Grand Theft Auto.

[D]

I'll do whatever I need to do to get over the pram. Do you know what I mean? Because I saw also like, come on, man, it's London.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Why are you have a baby. Stay at home. We are late. Do you know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you ringing your bell at least so the baby knows?

[D]

Well, yes, but then some. Some of these line bikes, the bells don't work.

[B]

Oh, you're my fault.

[A]

So line bikes are even quicker, right?

[D]

Yeah, yeah. And also when you start on them, they give you that little. You know, it's like video game. When you go through a thing that gives you an extra little acceleration.

[A]

Straight into a pram start.

[D]

Yeah, straight.

[B]

What if they start, they should start doing line prams. That's good for people so that it's a level. Level the playing field.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Not a pram with loads of limes in it.

[B]

Oh, I cannot emphasize enough. Not a pram with loads of limes.

[A]

Because you didn't know what empty calories was. You do know a lime bike isn't a bike made of limes, right, Joe?

[B]

What? You guys carry on without me. I didn't know there was that. I think they should have those prams so parents could just be okay, I've got time to get the pram out. I'll get a lime pram. When I'm out, put the baby in it. Give a little accelerator electric prams.

[D]

But they'd have to be attached to the pram because if it accelerates without them, their baby's off. Yeah, they're not.

[A]

Well, maybe that's even better. Platform on the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

In the future, I bet you can just program into the electric pram where you're going. It just goes off of your baby meets you meet it there.

[D]

I actually would not like that level playing field because I like the power. Do you know what I mean? I'm like powerless to, like lorries and trucks. Where can I, you know, the oppressor got to oppress.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And primes are the only ones. I can take it out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Below you on the food chamber.

[A]

The only thing below cyclists.

[B]

That's all about juice. Season two. Do you say season two in this country or series two?

[A]

It's series.

[B]

I think it's series two. But then I get confused because we talk about the whole thing as a series. Like we can slag off the Americans all we want for their use of language, but actually when we're calling the entire thing a series and then we're breaking it up into individual series, we are the stupid ones.

[A]

No, it's a show and a series. Stop trying to get work in America, man.

[B]

Please.

[A]

Sucking.

[B]

Any Americans listening? I could do accents. Moan. Let's talk about due season two. What can the listeners be excited about? Okay, the first one, you want to bafta. There's no small thing.

[D]

No, I know that's horrible in it.

[A]

Is this worst case scenario you want to BAFTA for.

[D]

For series. Cool, man. It's just ruined my life.

[B]

You got it.

[D]

Well, just that, like, let me just make a show and then don't compare it to anything and then don't tell me it's good.

[A]

And don't watch it.

[D]

And don't watch it. Like, leave me alone. Let me make my show in a cave. And then just like, you know, clock on, clock off and go home and make a meal and be happy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

No, but like, basically I'm trying not to think about that a lot. I'm just trying to write the show I want to write. You know, it's funny because when you make the first one, no one cares and then you. And then when they care and then. And then it's harder. But what I'm really enjoying about it, there's a bit of a horror theme emerging is it's more surreal. It's taken a whole different stylistic avenue Nice. Which, you know, people were like, wow, this show is so weird. And I was like, this is me watering it down. They give me a series, too. So we're having a lot of fun with it, man. Yeah, I'm really. I'm really excited.

[B]

Great. And will any juice be appearing on your menu today? Are you a juice guy?

[D]

I hate juice. I hate.

[B]

That's gonna be.

[D]

Let me just say that for the record.

[B]

Yeah, that's gonna be the. The clickbait out there now.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I also hate mango chutney. I've got a song about mango chutney.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

I hate.

[A]

You've got a song about. It's Matt. It's mangoes in general, right?

[D]

Yeah. I love mangoes. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

But I don't have a mango chutney. That's not mango. It's just, like, sugar in it.

[A]

I completely agree with you. I don't like mango cheese.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I can't taste any mango in that.

[D]

No.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Most mango flavor things don't taste a mango.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Mango shower gel is apple. Smell it. Smell any mango shower and close your eyes. It's apple. Apple with a bit of pineapple.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

It's not mango, man.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

They're conning us.

[A]

Mango vape.

[D]

There's a mango vape.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It's disgusting.

[A]

Triple mango.

[B]

Triple triple mango. So does it say the types?

[A]

Yeah. No, because they release a triple mango, and you're like, I don't even remember you releasing a double mango. How's this? Triple mango. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

The first two prequels, but, like, they take something that doesn't taste like mango and then times it by three. That makes it worse.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

That's not triple micro. That's triple pineapple and apple.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

It's an atrocity, man.

[A]

So for you, when you enjoy mango is just pure mango.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. I'm talking Pakistani mango or Jamaican mango. I'm not. You know, I don't. I don't.

[A]

I've never heard anyone shout out the Jamaican mango before.

[D]

Jamaica. Jamaica. Jamaican and Pakistani mangoes are the best.

[A]

I know. Pakistani mangoes. Like, people that are absolutely obsessed with.

[D]

Say if it was in that other room, we could smell it from here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And which types of mango is that?

[D]

I don't know the name. I just call it.

[B]

What's the Alfonso one? That's the one I hear the most, man. I love.

[A]

Yeah. That might be Indian mango.

[D]

It's not new.

[B]

Maybe a new mango. You crazy? Listen to what you're saying.

[A]

When mango season, it's Indian mango.

[B]

Indian.

[A]

When. Oh, is it when mango season comes around near where I live is like every shop turns into a mango shop.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're all in individual boxes. The mangoes just look so nice.

[D]

They're just all in gold tinsel on it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. The labor that goes into putting a. Yeah.

[D]

Tiny bit of tinsel in every mango.

[B]

I didn't know the mango. Mangoes. Mangoes have tinsel on them.

[D]

Oh, yeah. It's an Asian thing. Like if you get it from, like an Asian store, you get a box.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And they all have, like the label with the, like, brand on it. You know, the little sticky fruit label. But then, like, with the label there's a bit of like gold tinsel.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

Mangoes are huge, man.

[B]

I know mangoes are huge. I just didn't know they get tinsel on them. Like, I. I thought only Christmas trees. I've tinsel on them. But mangoes as well.

[D]

Yeah. All year round, mate. You ain't lived, man.

[B]

I don't think I have. I didn't know. I'm a co host of food podcast. I didn't know that mangoes have tinsel on them. What else would you put tinsel in if you wanted to, like, up the sales figures?

[D]

Triple mango vape, obviously.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Do you know what I mean? If you really want to convince me it's mango.

[A]

Yeah. Put some tinsel on it.

[D]

Yeah, man.

[B]

The shower gel as well. Should have it on.

[D]

Shower gel. Just stick it on.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Get festive, man.

[A]

I think tinsel's really dropped off in the last decade. I think way less people have tinsel on their Christmas trees now.

[D]

Yeah. What's that about?

[A]

People think it's tacky now.

[D]

Yeah. But do you think it will come full circle?

[A]

I think I think it will. I think it'll be back. Like flares.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, I'm wearing flares.

[A]

Yeah, they're great. Very well dressed.

[D]

Maybe I'll start. I'll put tinsel on my Christmas. I don't even do Christmas trees, but I'll do it for. Yeah, tinsel.

[A]

Or just get a massive mango and put it in your front room.

[D]

Yeah. Mangoes as baubles.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Now that. Now we're talking, that'd be very on brand for me. Yeah.

[B]

We always start with still A sparkling water, Mohan. Do you have a preference still, man?

[D]

Come on now. Yeah, come on. Sparkling water, man, is chaos.

[A]

How is it chaos?

[D]

It's two different. A gas and a water should not fuse. They're two different elements. Is that the word? Elements? Yeah, sure, yeah.

[B]

Look, we don't know.

[D]

It was discovered by accident in it.

[B]

Was it sparkling water?

[D]

Yeah, yeah. It was like some guy, like, put a bowl of water above a vat of beer in a brewery, right? And he. I don't know the full details, guys. I'm not a scientist, but, you know.

[A]

I knew you didn't know the full details as soon as you started telling us this, because it started with the phrase some guy.

[D]

Some. Yeah, in Leeds. I know it.

[B]

In Leeds. Yeah.

[D]

How about that? Yeah, but I don't like, don't ask me, like, I don't know, like periodic table kind of detail, but I know there was a bowl, there was water, and it was above some distillery thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So he. He. What was it? It was like nitrogen? No, no. Carbon dioxide. It's carbon dioxide.

[A]

Yeah, I think it's carbon dioxide.

[D]

Yeah. I'm really clever, I guess.

[B]

I'm a Jude fake mother.

[D]

Yeah. But why? Also you're putting gas in your body. That's gotta make you gassier.

[A]

Do you not like being gassy? No, I love being gassy sometimes.

[B]

You love it?

[A]

Yeah. If I have a fizzy drink, I love that. I love burps.

[D]

I think if you're like burping and farting, it's like, great, get it out. It's a good feeling. Right? But if you're having something that's causing you gas that I don't want to fuck with. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's like, I don't want to have lentils that haven't been soaked properly, but.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Because it would just me up for the day.

[A]

Yeah, I agree with that. Anything out the back? I'm not into a big burp. I love.

[D]

Yeah, big burp's great.

[B]

So only lentils that aren't soaked properly give you the gas. Yeah.

[D]

Did you not know this?

[B]

No, I didn't. Look, you're teaching me more than any guest has ever taught me. And we're not even at the starter yet, so.

[D]

You gotta soak your lentils, girls. Yeah, you got. And you gotta do it like all night.

[A]

That's a T shirt, by the way. Get that printed up.

[D]

Circulentals, girls. But you've got to do it all night and not too long because then they grow poisonous. I know. I think that's kidney beans in it. I used to live in a commune with like seven hippies and like, it was all about never canned food. It was always like, soak shit.

[B]

Like.

[D]

Yeah, we used to get big. This big. Like bulk Quarter from Suma. Right. I used to order, like, size of my height, kind of like bag of lentils and rice and stuff. So there's all this, like, soaking malarkey.

[A]

What was the gas situation in the commune?

[D]

Well, if someone didn't soak them properly, you'd get gassy. All.

[A]

All of the hippies.

[D]

Yeah. You could tell, like, it was like everyone, like, singing periods. It was like we knew. Yeah. When someone hadn't soaked the lentils properly. Because it was a gassy week.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No one liked a match.

[D]

No.

[A]

Because this commune's going up.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Like Waco by the end of it.

[B]

Where was this place?

[D]

In Shadwell.

[B]

How long were you in it for?

[D]

A couple of years. And it was. It was like an old. It was next to a chicken shop and it was like a old shop that had been converted. So our living room had a shop front. So people walk past thinking it was some kind of art installation. We were just in there living our lives. It was the first place I ever sort of lived with other people.

[A]

Was it difficult to tear yourself away from the commune?

[D]

When I say commune, yeah. I'm not talking wild, wild country.

[A]

You mean house chef.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Killed people.

[D]

It was a commute. I say commune because we did everything communally and also was. We used the door as a kitchen countertop. It was that kind of. Do you know what I mean? Like, we did. We. Everything was built with, like, pallets and stuff.

[A]

It was a shit house.

[D]

It was. Thank you.

[A]

Is that what you mean, it was a shit house?

[D]

Yes. We didn't kill anyone or start a religion.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

But we could have because the rent was so cheap.

[B]

Yeah. I think you're charismatic enough. You could convince some people to do that.

[D]

Do you mean?

[B]

How many people do you reckon you could convince to, I guess, kill people?

[D]

What were you killing them for? Do you know what I mean?

[B]

What were they doing in wild, wild country?

[A]

It was just yoga, wasn't it?

[D]

It was, yeah.

[B]

In the name of yoga.

[D]

Yeah. You can meditate on it afterwards. Because that's the thing about killing people. It's stressful, isn't it, really?

[B]

It must be. So if you've got to assume it's stressful.

[D]

Spiritual practices that get the heart rate down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I think even if you're into it, it's stressful.

[D]

Just.

[B]

Just. Just the laying low afterwards and stuff and not wanting to get caught, surely.

[A]

I'd struggle to get to sleep, I reckon.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

After a day of killing people, I.

[D]

Have nightmares of, like, I'm hiding a body somewhere.

[A]

Do you?

[D]

And I've not even. I've done that.

[B]

Yeah, how about that? And have you looked at what that means? Because that's got to mean something.

[D]

No.

[B]

That you're worried about something else in life.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Been. Been found out.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I had an awful nightmare the other night.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

This is fresh. Michael Barrymore was sick on my back. He drank too much Pepsi Max and then he puked on my back in the street.

[D]

That's so visceral.

[A]

Yeah, but he wouldn't let go of my shoulder. So it was that. I knew he was going to be sick but I was trying to get away from him. He wouldn't let go of my shoulder and then he puked all down my back because he had too much Pepsi Max.

[D]

I feel like this might have been a dream, but I can really see him doing that.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It's kind of like the story someone would tell on Grave Norton.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And everyone would laugh, but it wouldn't age.

[D]

Age well, no, no.

[B]

There's some of those Norton clips where you go back five years or 60 years. Were we all laug that that then? That is not funny. That's horrible. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. We're thinking of the same clip.

[A]

He wasn't well, you know, he was feeling sick. It wasn't like doing a delivery, you knew any delight in that. But he just, he was like holding on to me I think for some reassurance.

[D]

And you turned your back on him and he just.

[A]

I was trying to get away from him cuz I knew he was going to.

[B]

You were walking down the street.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And then you felt a hand on your shoulder.

[A]

You turned around, empty bottle of Pepsi Max.

[B]

So you know, that's why he's being sick and he's not letting go of your shoulders. You're like, well I can't get away.

[A]

So I'm trying to get away from him. And then, yeah, he's like sickle down my back. And then I woke up and told my wife what had happened.

[B]

On the subject of. And telling your wife that is. That's. That's. You're playing with fire there because your wife has a phobia of people being sick.

[A]

Yeah. I wonder whether that was something to do with it.

[D]

Someone told me. Yeah, this came from a therapist. Not my therapist.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Happened to be a therapist who said this.

[B]

Your therapist got a shout out in your BAFTA speech.

[D]

Yeah, he did. Genuinely true that week.

[B]

Pleased with that. What? The therapist, not you.

[D]

Okay. I don't know if there's a coincidence here. But the next week he put his feet up, swear to God, I was like, has he seen it?

[A]

Yeah, definitely.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[D]

Like I said thank you to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You didn't name drop him.

[D]

I didn't owe him everything.

[B]

You did it in a funny way.

[D]

I know, but also I didn't thank that many people I came off. And then like, people like you didn't thank the production company, like anyone who works on the show. And so then I don't want him taking all the credit for like my, like, me doing, well kind of thing. Sure, yeah.

[B]

I mean, he shouldn't be watching that anyway, surely, ethically.

[D]

Exactly.

[B]

He shouldn't be watching the speech.

[D]

Well, but then, you know when you're doing public facing jobs, do you wonder like, you know the people? I don't know your therapist, your gynecologist, your confidential gang.

[B]

Yeah, for me, that's the way.

[D]

Do they know your stuff? Of course.

[B]

Yeah, of course. I've got an all in one.

[D]

It's efficient, you know, time you're on the telly, you've got to do all in one. Shower job. But you know, like, do they know? Do they? Yeah, that's the. And you can, you can't really ask because then they're like, oh, I didn't know that. I'll look it up.

[A]

Yeah, you don't want anyone looking it up.

[B]

I once walked past my therapist in the street. I was walking down street arm and arm with my girlfriend, walked past the therapist and we just like nodded at each other. My girlfriend's like, who was that? I was like, it was my therapist and she laughed a lot and then she told her therapist about it. I was like, I told my therapist. You saw your therapist on the street? And you both nodded at each other like you were spies. Like it was secret. And we both really laughed at you. I was like, what you guys laughing at us? We're cool.

[A]

What's the evil organization in Marvel?

[B]

It's like that. Yeah, Hydra.

[A]

Yeah, Hydra. It's like you're both mums of Hydra.

[B]

God.

[D]

Pop dumbs or bread?

[B]

Pop dumbs or bread? One this one.

[D]

Pop dumps or bread doms. Are you mad? Papa Doms all day, man. Give me the crackle.

[B]

Yeah, the crackle. People haven't really talked about the crackle on it.

[D]

Yeah, it's all about food, is all about the sensuality, you know what I mean? The texture, the sounds. And bread, you're not getting sound. You're not getting a crack. And also My mum, she, for my birthday, she got me a poppadom holder so that, you know when you put pop it up in a microwave, you know when sometimes if you don't put it on something, it gets burned in the middle. Have you ever done that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then eat around the burn bit.

[A]

It's horrible.

[D]

You know what I mean? You're like, you just like question all your life decisions. Whereas with this, it's like a little. It's like a little, you know the pizza table in the middle of a pizza. Yes, it's like that, but bigger. Rest your papa Dom on it.

[A]

A little popping on the restaurant. Yeah, yeah, man, that's nice. A poppadom's empty calories.

[D]

Oh, absolutely.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's a good. That's a good snack leading up to a meal, right?

[D]

Exactly, yeah, yeah. Because it. Yeah, it's a crisp.

[B]

Basically you're practicing what you preach.

[D]

Here comes full circle. Yo.

[B]

How many do you want? How many dips do you want? What do you like? I know you don't want mango chutney.

[D]

Don't want mango chutney. Right. But I'll have it on the table because it's nice to have like an array. Do you know what I mean? Or I have a bit of mango chutney if I'm also like offsetting it with yogurt. Writer. Yeah, like achar, what's that called? Pickle. Yeah, let's just use the Urdu. But yeah, pickle.

[B]

I use all the words. This is a professional writer, everybody.

[A]

He's got all the words.

[D]

No, I said, I said the Urdu word. Right? It's like a char. I also use all the words.

[B]

I thought you were posting the word. Yeah, I use all the words. Yeah.

[D]

Somebody say pickle. That's more than a syllable. I'm damn clever. Mango pickle is amazing.

[A]

That tastes like mango.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

With bits of mango in the skin as well. It's like. It's wrong, but it's right.

[A]

Like proper pickled and spicy.

[D]

I don't like spicy food.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

But I'll have, if I can control the amount, put it with some writer. We're good.

[B]

Lovely.

[D]

Yeah, man.

[B]

If you're in a group, do you be mother with the popping on? Do you smash them, break them up for everyone with your hand?

[D]

I don't do that. I don't do karate chop. No, no, I do. I break it in my mouth. So I like take a whole one.

[A]

Whole one. Take a bite.

[D]

Yeah. And I want to bite it and I Want it to go. I want poppadom in my. Everywhere.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I want to be finding it in my beard for weeks. You got to make a mess.

[A]

Ye.

[D]

But I don't want the mess to be on the table. Also, if you crack one, they're all cracked. And then what's that you're having? Like, it's also little fragments. Sure.

[A]

Do you want. You want to get the whole one, take a bite and then it falls where it may.

[D]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

But you don't want any on the table. You want it all on you.

[D]

I want it all on me. It's how I eat popcorn. You do this and you just throw it at your face and a third of it goes in the rest of, like. I want to be in the cinema. And like when you get up at the end, it's like a flood of all the snacks you've had. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

You got to get up and fully brush yourself down.

[D]

Right.

[A]

Get it all off.

[D]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

I opened a pack of hardboard sweets too fast in the cinema once and it hit the lady in front of me in the back of the head and she turned around and called me a little, little.

[A]

Why are you eating hard boiled sweets in the cinema?

[B]

I was like, I don't know, 50 Victorian times. Yes. In Ketcher in the early 2000s. So. Exactly. Exactly. In Victorian times. I'll go to the big Tesco by a packet of fruit sherbets. Loads of different flavors.

[A]

May have had fruit sherbets at the motion picture.

[B]

And me and my friends would go to the cinema. I'd always eat these fruit sherbets. I'd crunch them up.

[D]

Great.

[B]

There was lime and lemon and blackcurrant and strawberry in there and orange. And this particular time, just too eager. Open it really fast. Bam, bam, bam, bam. In the back of this woman's head. Turn around, you little shit.

[D]

Oh, Joe. Fair enough, though. I'm on her side.

[B]

What? You're throwing popcorn in your face. Get everywhere.

[D]

Popcorn has a soft landing.

[B]

Yeah. You know, hard boiled.

[D]

That's aggression, man.

[B]

Yeah, that's bad.

[D]

That's, you know, get yourself, you know, strawberry lace. Chill out.

[B]

And they're individually wrapped.

[D]

Individually.

[B]

So you're in the cinema, apart from the environment.

[D]

Sure.

[B]

But also noisy. You're a noisy little boy.

[A]

Yeah, very noisy.

[B]

People didn't like it.

[D]

You went to the cinema with your mum at 15.

[B]

He put that in.

[D]

Oh, sorry. I just pictured that. I pictured your mum with a Victorian umbrella.

[B]

I. Mary Poppins. He put that.

[A]

I bet you did. Go.

[D]

Hey, nothing wrong with going with your. It's okay.

[A]

It's nice defensive. Look after your mom. What's wrong with you? Why does he hate your mum?

[D]

Why do you hate your mom?

[B]

Yeah, I hate my mom. She listens to this every week. Mom, I don't hate you.

[D]

Oh, yeah, but, but I think the therapist told me, right, that every. In every dream, everyone in your dream is a version of you. So really what happened was you threw up on yourself and you projected Michael Barrymore.

[A]

Michael Barrymore?

[D]

What does that say about you?

[A]

Yeah. Which, which part of my personality does Michael Barrymore represent more?

[B]

Represents you worrying that your career is going to go real bad at some.

[A]

Point and people are just a great all round entertainer.

[B]

Yes, but a great all round entertainer whose future looks shady and bad and something bad's going to happen to you and you will fall out of favor.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Even though you're extremely talented.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Says a lot about you, this dream man.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Just say a lot about you, I think. Puking on your own back.

[A]

Well, we've just. Sorry, we've just assumed that Michael Barrymore's me in this.

[B]

No, that's based on actual stuff, actually.

[D]

Yeah, that's scientific science. But it's also good because when you have a dream and you're like, oh my God, I killed a person or I did something really bad, you're like, ah, it's just a version of me, it's fine.

[A]

I just killed myself.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[A]

And that's fine.

[D]

Or if you have a sex dream about someone and the next thing you're like, wow, like, you know, at work, like, oh, what have I said? It's like, no, I just sexed myself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Prefer to have that dream, what, be a bunch of different versions of me and we all just wank each other off.

[D]

Oh, right, yeah, that says a lot about you. More than Pepsi says about you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. In a long line or in a circle?

[B]

Joe, what if I'm gonna put in a request of my imagination? I'd like. I'd like to try both at some point.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Because if you can't do it in your dream, where can you do it?

[B]

Well, I guess in a circle would be nicer because then everyone's getting.

[A]

Everyone's getting something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The guy at the front.

[B]

The guy at the front or the guy at the back? It depends how we're doing it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Doesn't it?

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

Circle. You got eye contact as well.

[B]

Circle. Everyone can look at each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Unless you're in a Circle, but you're facing out of the circle. Then you can't make eye contact.

[A]

You know that that's would be the craziest way to do it.

[B]

You're in a circle, but you all face it outside.

[A]

What, to check see if anyone's coming.

[B]

Yeah, or at least one of you has to do that. Yeah, just one of you. Everyone else is facing inside and one of you is a lookout. Who's just there.

[A]

Well, you know in cartoons, when like the. There'll be cartoon characters having a huddle. They're normally chickens or having a huddle, discussing something. And occasionally someone's head will pop up and look around.

[B]

Specifically chicken run.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Sounds like the writer's room for Human Centipede. I feel like this is how they came up with it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

But what if ergonomically, actually they all faced each other?

[B]

They should get us in the writer soon for that. I think they're still doing sequels to that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, yeah, come on.

[D]

They should do a series.

[B]

They're like. They're like you. They're like, oh, man. When we wrote the first one, no one had any expectations on it and now we've got to follow it up again. How are we going to make it even more fun?

[D]

Fact. Back in the day when I used to make YouTube videos, mum from Human Centipede was in a video of mine.

[B]

That's cool. Did you ask much about Human Centipede?

[D]

I didn't want to be that guy who was just like, you know, tell me about your most famous project. You know, I mean.

[B]

Your dream starter.

[D]

So I think a lot about Teletubby food.

[B]

No. Yeah, no, keep going. Yeah. Now, yeah, on the way here, I was listening to a song that mentioned Teletubbies and.

[A]

Was it the Teletubby Steam?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because it does mention it a lot, that soundtrack.

[D]

Bang.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. But yeah, it made me think. I thought about Teletubby today. Just. I know you brought them up. No, I think I'll let you think about this morning.

[D]

I think about that. You know that. Like that pink custard that used to pipe through the bowl?

[B]

Like the pipe or tubby custard.

[D]

I think about the smiley face toast.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And it's like therapy and it's just soothing it like. Yeah, I wanna. I wanna be there.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

In Teletubby land.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't want none of the Teletubbies there because that's creepy.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[D]

Right, we're past that now.

[B]

Do you have A gig with Tinky Winky.

[D]

Did I have a gig with Dinky Winky?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. A few of us have that. He was a comedian.

[A]

He was like an alternative comic from the 80s. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But he played Tinky Winky. So you'd occasionally be on a bill with him and everyone would say to you, you know, that's Tinky Winky.

[D]

No.

[B]

What do you talk about it? Yeah, sometimes you talk about it on stage. But, like, you know, obviously they wouldn't believe him because they just assumed the comedians are lying. So you would kind of see him talk about being Tinky Winky. And I was like, don't think so, mate. But, like, we knew Tinky Wing is.

[D]

A green one in it.

[B]

The purple one.

[D]

Oh, it wasn't the one with the hat.

[B]

No, it's the tallest one. Dipsy had the hat.

[D]

That's hard, though. In it, you're not even the star. Yeah, because the hat. Yeah, he was the. He was the solo career kind of.

[B]

Yeah. I think you ask different people, they'll tell you different, you know, because they're the. You know, they resonated with that person.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe you're just like a Dipsy guy.

[D]

And I identify with Po quite a lot.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

The afterthought.

[A]

And. Yeah, I always lost.

[D]

Oh. I guess Po as well.

[A]

But you don't want any of them to be there while you're eating your meal.

[D]

To be there. No, because I know it's adults in, like, costumes. Costumes. And then I feel like that's, like, virgin. You know, like sort of baby fetish territory or whatever. Do you know what I mean? But I want my friends there. I want, like, my perfect birthday would be. Would, like, take, you know, like, you can get an Airbnb and go be in a castle for a bit or whatever.

[B]

What friends?

[D]

Which friends?

[B]

It's all the people you didn't mention in your BAFTA speech.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Because your therapist took.

[A]

Say sorry precedent.

[D]

Imagine taking your therapist to tell a Dobby line. You'd get into it in it.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

He'd be like, well, let's. Let's unpack this part. Friends who won't unpack. Yeah, unpack the psychology of, like, why I'm desperate to go back to that time when, you know, that that show was so soothing. You know, like, when life was easier, basically. It's.

[A]

Yeah, life's easy in. In Tubby Land. Right. In Teletubby Land.

[B]

Yeah. The sun's having a laugh.

[D]

The sun.

[A]

The sun's a baby.

[B]

The Sun's a baby, man.

[D]

The sun can be there.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

The sun can be.

[A]

The sun can be there. What about the Hoover?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyone who's not like a man in a suit.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Do you know what I mean?

[A]

So the Hoover can be the Nunu.

[B]

Noonoosa.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Nunu's there. And also because we gotta make a mess. Racks and lines of coke that gonna need to know what I mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, poppadoms for a start. Noon is gonna be going wild.

[B]

Popcorn out your face.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Working over time. I wish those tubbies were back.

[D]

It feels unethical now in it. It's like, is Nunu getting paid? Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

You know in lockdown, when the Kardashians had that, like, holiday and they had like, the help in the background wearing masks.

[B]

Obviously not. Obviously. I don't know about that, but yeah, sure, yeah.

[D]

During lockdown, they threw a party.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And there was, like, photos of, like, the. The help in the background. Like, like serving and like, masks and stuff. Anyways, that's what I want Nunu to be.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[D]

You know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you want tubby custom and tubby toast as your starter then?

[D]

I want tubby toast.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Because let's not get crazy. No, I'm not trying to have dessert before my main.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, that would have been nice, though. I would have liked that if you had to be custard and tubby.

[D]

Yeah, I hear you. Maybe we could dip it in.

[B]

Oh, come on. Surely you want to dip the tubby because they go together.

[A]

Right?

[B]

See what it's like?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

And it just. The main thing is it needs to look really plasticky. Like it needs to drum in. It can't because it looks so fake, and that's why it was so delicious.

[A]

What do you think Tubby custard and tubby toast tastes like?

[D]

I reckon like art department making food, which is not real food.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Do you know what I mean? But if I was to really suspend my disbelief and what I wanted it to taste like as a kid, the. The toast would taste like, you know, those edible. You know, you get, like, some things that look like they're not edible, but then they are like little marble cakes or, you know.

[A]

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah.

[D]

No, you know when the sugar, like, goes all shiny because the way it's, like, cooked on and it's like snaps in your mouth. Like, that's what I wanted to taste like.

[B]

Oh, now I'm confused.

[A]

Like, sort of glazed. Yeah.

[D]

You know Almond nuts. Yeah. You know, sometimes they put, like, a sugar coating on them.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And then they like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Little shell.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's another, like. Yeah, of course.

[D]

It's all about that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

It's like a really thick poppadom.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

With glazing.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. What about someone got a popping them and put, like, crispy clean Krispy Kreme glaze on it.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Like, if you put it through the glaze curd.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's hardened. The whole thing's that hard.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I want to do this in the royal icing.

[A]

I think it might be like royal icing.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I think about, like, Krispy Kreme glaze now on a poppadom.

[A]

You said crispy clean.

[B]

Actually, I did say that earlier. I. I know I struggled with tubby custard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it's. All these wor now are confusing me. Would you go through the glaze curtain?

[D]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Yeah. If someone at Krispy Kreme was like, lay down on that conveyor belt.

[D]

Absolutely.

[B]

You just go through the.

[D]

Absolutely, yeah. And be covered in it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You laying on it on your back, on your front.

[D]

On. On my back because my front, I got a bit of a hairy chest and hair's just completely glazed. You know, we've all been there. It's. It's a nightmare.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Getting out. You know what I mean?

[A]

I think at this point in my life, my. I've never had a hairy ch.

[B]

Chest.

[A]

My back's area than my front.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Is it?

[A]

Yeah, I think so.

[D]

Wow, man, you wear that like a badge of honor.

[A]

Yeah, rarely.

[D]

That's a vibe.

[A]

Rarely. Check out the old back to see what's going on there. But when I do, I'm like, that's.

[B]

The last place you want someone to be sick.

[D]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Much rather get it on my chest.

[A]

Get it on my chest. Get that fizzy sick on my chest, for God's sake.

[D]

Barrymore Pepsi vomit.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

To get out, then glazier.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is very hard. Imagine going for the Michael Barrymore vom curtain. Get the conveyor belt. They've rigged Barrymore up. He's had 10 Pepsi Maxes.

[A]

We don't title these episodes like some podcasts do, but I think if we did, it would be called this episode will be the Michael Barrymore Vom curtain.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. Dreamstarter.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's tubby custard tasting like, do you think? Sweet.

[D]

Yeah. Because otherwise it would be gunge. Wouldn't it? Like you'd just be eating.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

Yeah. We want sweet. We don't want it too sweet. So you can have loads of it I think. Like again, you know the, you know the Krispy Kreme filling kind of donut filling. Like that, but pink.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Nice.

[B]

I like this.

[C]

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[C]

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[B]

Your dream main course.

[D]

So growing up, yeah, we had, we had a lot of Asian foods, but. But every now and again my mum would make English food, right? It was our favorite day, right? And my mum's English food, this is. She'd make one thing when it was English food day and she'd get penne pasta, a whole block of butter, can of beans, can of sweet corn. There's your English food and it tasted like happiness. It Was amazing. And I've not had that since I was a kid.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So I would have that.

[B]

English food.

[D]

English food.

[A]

Do you think if you had it.

[D]

Now, your forefathers had it, right? The pasta, of course.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

The most British of things.

[D]

Heinz is actually quite British.

[B]

Yeah. Hold on. The beans were baked beans.

[A]

That's what I assumed.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[D]

Baked beans. Like can of baked beans.

[B]

Yeah, kind of baked beans. Kind of.

[D]

Yeah. No one's gonna be soaking overnight. Do you know what I mean? Like, no one.

[A]

The baked beans is the sauce, right?

[D]

Exactly. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And when you mix it with the butter, it's. Oh, it's heaven, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you think it would taste as good now if you had it now, or do you think it was because it was the big treat when you were a kid?

[D]

I think it would still taste good because put a block of butter in anything, it would taste good. I think it was the butter that made it.

[A]

Let's face it. Even if you put it in sweet corn, baked beans and penne pasta.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

No, I would. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Not good. Do you try it? Because the baked beans were soft, but the sweet corn gave a little bite, so it had all the texture. It is actually like, I bet if they did a colonial color. Colonially. Culinary. Culinary. That's the word in it.

[A]

Yeah. So, I mean, it is English food, so colonially. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's what we would do quite well.

[D]

If they did a colonially test. Right. They would. I bet there would be a thing of, like, the sort of five textures that a food makes. That. That makes food satisfying.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And that dish has everything. Like, it ticks all the boxes.

[A]

Salt, acid, fat, heat. A lot of people say what you need, all of the elements of things that you need.

[B]

Salt's definitely.

[A]

Definitely got salt.

[D]

Yeah. You got a bit of a mush. You've got a bit of a bite.

[B]

I don't know where the bite is. They all sound soft to me. The sweet corn sounds soft to me. I'm gonna say.

[D]

No, no, no, she's not. It's not slow cook. Lamb, you bung it in, mix. Here you go. She was busy. She had three jobs.

[A]

And is she doing more cooking throughout the week is like, more efforts going into the other dishes?

[D]

Not really. No. No.

[A]

So what sort of. What are you having on the. The rest of the days? The Asian days?

[D]

We had a lot of lentils. We had rice. Another when she was busy and couldn't be out. My heart's terrible cook She'd. She'd get a chapati roti and believe it or not, she wasn't a train. She. Margarine sugar roti. Well, that's.

[A]

That sounds quite nice.

[B]

Yeah. I'd still enjoy it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it was great.

[D]

But like, you know what? Now that say it sounds quite like pauper food back in the day. It was not. It was like a. It was, you know, it was a tree when we were.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Now it just sounds. It sounds like mint, bare minimum survival food now, doesn't it?

[B]

Like, like it's still tasty though.

[A]

Also, this English day is really funny that you'll be excited for English Day.

[B]

I love that it's English Day. You're excited about it and it's a made up dish that is mainly pasta. So how about English is the pion, But I really love it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

The logic is if it's not Asian, it's English food.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Do you know what I mean? Like, we could be having noodles. You'd be like, so English.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And also because you're excited for it, because it's the thing that you don't have most of the time.

[D]

It's a novelty.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Except for when we got to like, like 15 then my mom would always start these like, randomized businesses. She was a hustler, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So she once she started a catering business, but she'd always be stuffing. Like she had no experience in.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So she bought loads of like frozen food and it was the same, you know, the same company who sells meals to schools. So it'd be like the hash browns you'd get at school, the mashed potato mix you'd get at school. Like, it was that. And. Yeah. So when we were like, had to cook for ourselves, we just like, like we had this massive freezer.

[A]

School dinners at home.

[D]

Yeah. All beige. Yeah, all beige.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I had really badly grown up, I'm not gonna lie.

[B]

It does sound like it.

[A]

Are you putting any, like, cheese on top of the pasta? Baked beans, sweet corn?

[B]

English food.

[A]

The English food. Sorry.

[D]

Yeah, it depends. Sometimes. Yeah, we'd have like, you know, the weak grated cheddar in the fridge.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. But that is very English.

[D]

Very English. So that's literally audi. Like grated cheese that goes off in like a day.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And it's covered in this weird dust to try and keep it fresh.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What even is it?

[A]

Yeah, English. It's English.

[B]

I would like to try this dish. I would like to try it. You can see what it's like this.

[D]

Immigrant family didn't simulate to this country.

[B]

That is what we would normally say. We will edit that in after you've left.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But we'll make it look like we said it to your face so people don't get us on it.

[A]

Yeah, that's our catchphrase.

[B]

We said it to his face. He didn't have a problem. You've had a. You just had a drink out of your bottle of water. Now, I hope you don't mind me picking you up on this. You've done it a few times.

[D]

You.

[B]

When you drink out of a bottle, I've noticed you make sure your lips don't touch the bottle. Is that fair?

[D]

Well, when in school we used to all share like a bottle of water.

[A]

That's what it is that.

[D]

It's.

[A]

It's sharing at school. Sharing that school technique.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Panda Pops, you sky it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think the word I heard most in school would be backwash. Because they'd be like, exactly.

[B]

Don't backwash my drink.

[D]

Yeah, exactly, man.

[B]

It was a big thing.

[D]

It was a big thing. And I feel like these days we've lost a sense of community and everyone's got their own drinks. I mean, we're all on our own screens, we're all on our own bottle of water. And actually, so you're kind of pop around. Yo.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you're constantly thinking about, what if someone wants a sip of this?

[B]

What if one of us, Benito, for example, wanted a sip of that drink? You're like, I want to be able to hand it.

[D]

Well, conscious, consciously. No. But now I'm like, yeah, you're still.

[A]

In the commune in your head.

[D]

I'm still in the commune. Do you want a bit of my water?

[B]

Ben said no.

[A]

Backwards.

[D]

You could have that tea all to yourself.

[B]

Greedy little boy.

[D]

Selfish.

[B]

Your dream side dish.

[A]

Will this be English as well?

[B]

Will this be so quintessentially English?

[D]

Heads up. My dream menu is very English.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So far I've. So far all of it is very English. The tummy custard.

[D]

Is British.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[D]

Except exploiting cleaners on no wages varyingly. Okay, so my. The greatest pleasure, food wise.

[B]

This already made me laugh. The greatest pleasure.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Muan's chair just went all the way down for the listener.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We haven't had this before, but the chair.

[D]

You set me up.

[B]

Benito did not set you up. I think you accidentally knocked a little lever and it's made you go all the way down so that the Mic is now pointing at your forehead.

[D]

I'm just gonna stay like this.

[B]

I think these chairs might be related to Nunu. It's a similar kind of device.

[A]

God. I mean, look, this has already been a great episode, but I know what the clip's gonna be.

[B]

Yeah. The clip's gonna be when your chair.

[A]

Fucked up, just disappearing out of frame.

[D]

Do you do this? It's like power play, man.

[B]

Yeah, it's a power play.

[D]

I swear I didn't do anything.

[A]

You looked at me as if I was doing it somehow.

[D]

I don't trust you.

[B]

We've rigged that up.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

What was the greatest pleasure?

[A]

I was talking about your side dish. Pleasure.

[D]

Some reason I've, like, just lost hope in life. Sure. You know, like, beginning greatest pleasure. You just deflate.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Go home now. Okay. No, the. The. You know, the cheat. If you do any kind of cheese bake, the crusty bit on the side, that's a bit burnt. The pan scraping.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I want a whole plate of that.

[B]

That's a good.

[A]

Oh, this is definitely.

[D]

It's the best bit.

[B]

It happened again.

[A]

Did you touch anything?

[D]

Sorry. I'm sorry.

[A]

Did you touch anything on the chair?

[B]

You might have to stand fully off the chair to sort it out.

[D]

Right.

[B]

I think when it comes to the question, what is greatest pleasure, then cheese scrapings from around the dish is, I think everyone would agree, is an acceptable answer. It's the greatest pleasure, really.

[A]

And I love the idea of a side dish, which is just a whole plate of cheese.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And I want it. I want it done like a fancy meal. Right. So I want a massive plate, but I want it to be like a little center, tiny bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

A little basil on top or something.

[A]

Nice.

[D]

A little squiggly sauce line.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Do you know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

I don't want it to look like dregs, but it's like dregs made to look like.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Some fancy.

[A]

Is there a particular dish that you want the cheese scrapings from?

[D]

Yeah, pasta.

[A]

A pasta lasagna.

[D]

Like a really English lasagna.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah. I was gonna say London. Yeah. And we are. So there's no. The riff doesn't really work. Are we in London? Yes, we are exactly where we're. Huh.

[A]

I would walk off this podcast forever if you just said, are we in London?

[B]

Are we in London?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. See you later.

[B]

The worst riff I've ever done. Yeah.

[D]

Come here.

[B]

Are we in London?

[D]

Get that on a T shirt. Yeah. So that, like, scrapey, scrapey.

[B]

That's great. I Love scrapy on the plate. When you've got the fancy thing, are you having them like, you know how people put the triple cooked chips and they do them in like a Jenga tower y kind of way? Is that how you're getting the. The scrapings up? Are you lining them up? Scraping scrapy? Are you lining them up in twos in like a little tower?

[D]

I imagined them like a pyramid.

[B]

Like a Roche.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, Like a sort of little tower pyramid.

[A]

A pyramid of scrapy. Scrapy, yeah, yeah.

[D]

With a little garnish on top.

[A]

Nice.

[D]

And maybe even it has a fancy name like Dragon there.

[B]

Dragon. Dirt Dragon Dirt Dragon. Der.

[D]

Dreg on der.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Is that the dregs?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

I don't know what on der means.

[A]

On the plate.

[D]

On the plate. Drag on the plate. Drag on the plate.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

This is my dream side dish.

[B]

Yeah, I like the dragon Dur.

[A]

Is there a particular, like cheese that you want the scrapings to be made of or is it like a mix of cheeses or.

[D]

Yeah. Do you know what cheese recently I've been really getting into is the one that begins with E E dam. E dam. Because it melts well in it.

[A]

Yeah. I think I've. Nothing I've ever melted e dam.

[D]

Is it a damn? I think it is. It's one of the Swiss ones.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that is.

[D]

Is good.

[A]

Yeah. You can have a scrapy. Scrapy Evansel.

[B]

Yeah, that was. That was part of a lasagna.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lasagna.

[B]

Who do you want to eat the lasagna? Because obviously you're not getting that. You're getting just the scraping.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

From it. Yeah, interesting. Who do you want to eat? You send that to someone to eat it because we've got to get rid of it. We're not going to throw that away. We don't like wasting the dream.

[A]

What do you want? No, no, to suck it up.

[B]

Oh, it.

[D]

No, no, no. Not go to waste.

[B]

You know what you did. What do you want? Nunu to suck it up.

[A]

Anyway, so we're not having nunu suck the lasagna up?

[D]

No, no. I don't want food going to waste. Do you know what I mean?

[B]

Who do you want to eat? You send it. Oh, there's. We've got a table at the other end of the restaurant. Someone's there. Who's there?

[D]

Do you know? I just. I send it to my mum to be like, this is what Italian food tastes like. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

She's not buying that. She's absolutely saying it. This is my favorite new English dish.

[D]

She'd be like, where's the sweet corn and the baked beans? They fuck this one up big time.

[B]

Yeah, your wonderful PR Fraser arrived earlier and he was saying that he had a cuttlefish lasagna the other day, and I want to eat it. Don't say I want to eat it so much. I think it's great.

[A]

Would like ink as the sauce.

[B]

I don't know if ink was the source. Actually, I should have asked. Fraser can hear us. He's in the opposite room. Fraser, apologies. I didn't ask you what the sauce was, but maybe it's in because the.

[D]

Sauce, but I don't know, man. Cuttlefish.

[B]

Cuttlefish is nice.

[D]

It's, like, really white and meaty, right?

[B]

Yeah. I've only had it recently. This thing's delicious.

[D]

Yeah, but lasagna, though. Lasagna is all a layering cuttlefish. Like bits of cuttlefish in a layer.

[B]

That's what's putting you off.

[D]

Yeah, man. If you're gonna layer something, you need. It needs to be spreadable. Do you know what I mean? This is like. Cuttlefish is, like, a little bit. To me, I don't know. It feels wrong. I know you're mint. Unless you're, like, putting in a blender and, like, turning it into, like, something like mint.

[B]

I don't know if it is minced. I should have asked Fraser. Fraser, I feel like I. I didn't hold up my conversation.

[A]

You've really dropped Fraser in it.

[B]

Here face. I've dropped you in. It's so bad. I'm sorry, man.

[A]

Have you ever had Parmesan crisps?

[D]

No.

[A]

You know when.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So grated Parmesan. Put them in the oven, they melt, and then you get them out and they solidify quite quickly. So it's basically posh cheese scrapings.

[D]

Perfect.

[A]

And you can buy them from, like. I mean, I've seen them in Whole Foods. We can buy tubs of just Parmesan crisps.

[D]

Amazing.

[B]

This sounds great.

[D]

I'm obsessed with making the byproduct the main meal.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's really good. Yeah.

[D]

Custard, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

The skin is the best bit. Now, I know this divides people.

[B]

I know it divides people. I. I eat just the skin. If someone said to me our dessert is custard skin, I would be intrigued. I wouldn't say no to that.

[D]

Right. I did a. I. I never. I feel like there's never enough cheese crispy topping. There's never enough custard skin.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So I did a thing where I, like, basically got custard and laid, put it out in a tray. So it was like. Like a centimeter thin. Great. And it was all skin. Right. But it didn't work.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

Because it cooled too quickly and the skin didn't form. So then I tried it again and I fanned it. Didn't work. So then I was like, I think it needs to, like, stay hotter for longer.

[B]

I can say this about right now. I can't believe you tried it a third time. I think.

[A]

No. You like Heston Bloomington?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Great.

[B]

But Cameo? I want to hear the rest of it. But this is astonishing because if I.

[D]

Didn'T do it a third time, then what? That I'd question my life decisions even more. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, if I've taken a day out to do this, let's do all, you know, I mean, do all the variables get the Bunsen burner out. You know, I mean, so actually, so what I did, I put it on, like, I rested it on stuff and then I put tea lights underneath and it worked.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

This is why you're a success.

[D]

This is why I'm a success.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is.

[D]

This is why I want a bathtub.

[A]

Why don't you shout out custard skin in your space?

[D]

I should have.

[C]

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[D]

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[B]

Hey, I never felt this way before.

[C]

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[B]

Your dream drink.

[D]

Okay, this is a bit cheeky of me. Yeah. But there's this. There's this drink called Faludaya, which is actually a dessert, but the logic, I'm think it's looks like an Asian dessert, right? And it's got, like, it looks like. Like a pink ramen. Oh, yeah, right. It's got rose water and rose milk.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And then what looks like noodles but is actually vermicelli. Vermin.

[A]

Okay, so like very thin noodles.

[D]

Yeah. And then it's got basil seeds. Where'd you get those? Who knows? Do you know what I mean? It's so specific. And then a dollop of ice cream.

[B]

How have I never heard of this?

[A]

Yeah, this sounds up. You're straight.

[D]

Fire luda. It's the gayest drink you'll ever drink. It's amazing.

[B]

Yes, please. Wow.

[D]

Like fluorescent pink.

[B]

And what's the ice cream? What kind of ice cream is it?

[D]

Oh, so pistachio goes really well.

[B]

Great.

[D]

But, you know, if you want to be a bit more tame, you can do like vanilla and stuff.

[B]

But you want pistachio for your dream.

[D]

I want pistachio, man, because green and pink. Nice. And it.

[B]

This sounds good. I like this a lot.

[D]

And some people might say, oh, but that's a dessert one. Well, my logic is if McDonald's can give you a freaking. What's it?

[A]

Milkshake.

[D]

Milkshake. Thank you. That English word. I always forget.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Then I'm sorry. I can have a faluda with my cheese scrapings.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think I had this. I actually think I had this last week.

[A]

What?

[B]

On my birthday. Faluda. I think I had this.

[A]

You just said, how have I not had this? And now you're saying you had it last week.

[B]

Well, then I just thought about it.

[A]

No, we know you didn't because you've already said you've not had it.

[B]

Gymkhana. I think I had it at gymkhana. I think I did because they bought the desserts out and they didn't. It was like set menu and I think it was. I just run through everything that Mohanj said and I thought I was like. Well, that's actually what.

[D]

I think that's what I had fluorescent pink with. It was pink.

[B]

It had what looked like vermicelli noodles in it. Yeah, it had like a dollop of ice cream in the top. That's what.

[D]

Hey, man, you had a faluda, man.

[B]

I had it.

[D]

Oh, yeah, man.

[A]

So how did you not know that immediately when Mohan was describing it?

[B]

Because sometimes when you're hearing something be described, it doesn't completely connect.

[D]

And also because he didn't know what.

[B]

He says. I'm right. He's just checked the website. Yeah, yeah, I had it.

[A]

I believe you. It's just a mad turn of events.

[D]

No, he didn't know what was happening to him.

[B]

So that's why I didn't know what was happening to me.

[D]

If you. If you meet Billy Ocean, but you don't know who Billy Ocean is, you ain't gonna remember it in a week. But someone was like, he looks like this, you'd be like, oh, maybe I met Billy Ocean.

[A]

So did that happen to you?

[D]

Yeah. But I could not tell you what he looks like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. It's hard, isn't it?

[A]

I couldn't tell you what Billy Ocean looks like.

[D]

You know, that's on him.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

We should have worked harder.

[B]

Yeah. I couldn't tell you what Billy Ocean.

[A]

I feel like every year Billy Ocean gets put down the league table of famous Billy's.

[D]

What is he a singer?

[B]

Yeah, surely.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Is he. Who's the. Who's. Who is it who turns up in, like, the final kind of the finale of the Wedding Singer on the plane? Is that Billy Ocean? That's Billy Idol. That's Billy Idol.

[A]

So there's Billy Idol. There's obviously now Billie Eilish. So Billy Idol's probably annoyed.

[B]

Whoa.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

If I was Billy Idol, I'd be like, well, at least I was in that scene in Wedding scene. Yeah. Because that's. That. People are going to watch that for years.

[A]

Billy Joel, obviously. So, you know, Billy Joel's ahead of everyone.

[D]

Billy Bobby Brown. Millie Bobby Brown, which is Billy Bobby Brown, a teenager.

[B]

Billy Bobby Brown.

[D]

Billy Bobby Brown.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Who was a country singer.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Who's pissed off at Millie.

[B]

Yeah. Gotta be. Gotta be annoyed.

[A]

But then also, you look at the ocean thing. Frank Ocean beating Billy Ocean.

[B]

Absolutely. These days, no one's talking about Billy. Everyone's talking about Frank.

[D]

I'm talking about Billy.

[A]

Yeah, but you didn't even know if he was a singer or not. And you didn't realize it when you met.

[D]

But I'm talking about my favorite chef ever.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Is there a place where you've had the best value ever, where it's like. That's where you should go to get it?

[D]

There's a chain restaurant called Ambala, and I grew up in Ilford, and they would. They would have this, like, giant fish tank and they would, like a fountain of water, go around and like. Like, it was like an event going. Yeah, yeah. And they did amazing Falu there. And, you know, everything's fresh as well. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I think they've gone down the pan a bit now.

[B]

Oh, yeah?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a shame.

[D]

Well, they Were known for also putting you. Have you ever had edible foil?

[B]

No.

[D]

You've not had edible foil for the listener.

[B]

That wasn't the chair going down again.

[A]

My heart rate.

[D]

Okay. No, edible. Okay. They do it on Indian sweets, right. It's like they, it's like it literally looks like foil.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

But edible. I can't believe it.

[A]

Does it function as foil as well?

[D]

It's very thin.

[A]

You wrap up leftovers and take them home in it.

[D]

It's very thin. But I reckon if they made it a bit thicker.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Cuz that would be the, you know, like I'm keeping my cod insulated.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And I can eat the insulated.

[A]

You just eat the whole thing.

[B]

I don't even have to unwrap this. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

That's such a vibe. And then, then you'd like pull it out at work out your Tupperware and everyone be like, he crazy. He eating the foil. And you're like, that's just who I am, man. I'm crazy.

[A]

Does it taste of anything? The edible foil, Is it sweet or.

[D]

No, it tastes nothing. Yeah, it tastes nothing.

[A]

That's pretty cool.

[D]

But you literally, you can make anything look like space food. You can make it like, you, like, you could put it on anything.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It has to be a flat surface so. Because then it struggles to. And you get it like, you know, like gold leaf. You peel it off.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You get it like that. Stick it onto the dirt. Peel it off.

[A]

Great.

[D]

Magic. Magic that.

[B]

I'm actually quite surprised you haven't got space food on it. I would have thought you the kind of guy from judging by your menu so far, that you chuck space food in there that you'd want to try some space.

[D]

I don't really with space.

[B]

No.

[D]

No. It's a bit overwhelming and like. And then also just that whole astronaut thing. I'm like, I don't know if I want to eat out of a tube, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Do you know what I mean? How are you gonna put cheese scrapings into a, into a toothpaste tube? You're not like, that food will never taste good. Weird. Do you you into it?

[B]

I feel like I would. I, I did.

[A]

They have dried stuff, don't they?

[B]

I, I, the, I mean, it won't surprise anyone, but I. The astronaut ice cream. Once I went to some like museum, like a space thing.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It might have even been the NASA one and like had like the ice cream. It was all right. It's fun to eat it. Little Neapolitan astronaut, powdered ice cream thing.

[D]

Sure, sure, sure.

[A]

You get fed up with it if you're an astronaut, wouldn't you?

[D]

Yeah, exactly, man. Novelty in a museum. Okay, yeah, but, like, you know, if you're asking me about my dream meal. Yeah, I'm sorry. Why would I make a dream meal out of people? What people have to do because they're compromised with gravity. Like, it's a necessity. It's not a luxury.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I watched a interview yesterday with Ridley Scott because he's promoting. It's Oscar season and. And he wants to win something. And they talked to him about the Martian and he's like, you. They said to him, would you ever go to space? He said.

[A]

He said, I don't fuck with space.

[B]

He went, no, I'm not crazy. And that was it. That was the answer he gave. But he was talking about the Martian and he was. And he was like, I got the script. And I was like, this is a comedy. And everyone was saying to me, no, this is like a serious drama. This is like a tense film. And I was like, this is a comedy. The guy eats potatoes growing from his own dump. I don't think I hear Ridley Scott say dump.

[A]

Dump. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I thought it was. Or poo. Going from his own dump. Going from his own dump. Wow.

[D]

That's the director saying that.

[B]

That's Ridley Scott. That's like.

[D]

Imagine getting that note as an actor in the potato seat, just being like. Yeah, just like, laugh at it a bit more. Yeah, I find it funny that you're.

[A]

Like, remember, you're eating your own dump.

[B]

Jump.

[D]

Yeah, it's hilarious.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

No, I could. I'd be in a space film. I'd be. I'd love to be in a space.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Simulated, like all that. Great.

[B]

I think you'd be. If you were in Armageddon, say, and you were like, part of the crew, do you think you'd make it to the end of the film or do you think you'd die? Because, like, it's like Owen Wilson. It's just like, dead so quick in that mission.

[D]

Yeah, man, I worry I would be dead very quickly. Although they say when you're, like, under, you know, stress, like, it's amazing what you can achieve in it when you. When you really put your head to it. I always identified with, like, the stoner in those films, you know, like in the horror films, die quite early on. Good time doing it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're never. They're never stressed. Yeah, they die. They die. Stones, right? In horror films, they're always really okay.

[D]

With that, you know? Yeah, yeah, I'm okay with that.

[B]

See, like, greet the alien and then get killed.

[D]

Yeah. Just life. So stressful. Actually, if the world really went to shit, I'd like to think that actually I'd just be like, you know what?

[B]

Want.

[D]

It's out of my control.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Your dream dessert. Here we are.

[D]

No, do you know what the best cake I ever, ever tasted. Right?

[B]

My dream start to a sentence. Yeah. Oh.

[D]

First series of Juice, there was a scene where I'm eat. I bite into Russell Tovey's arm and his cake. Such a TV cliche.

[A]

And how many times has Toby done that as well? He's like, great. I'm gym cake again. Every show.

[B]

My arm's made of cake. Yeah.

[D]

Is it cake? Is it Russell Toby or is it cake?

[B]

Toby should go on that show, huh? They should bring him out on that is it cake show.

[D]

It was a very long shoot day, the way I'm sure. I think he's scarred from.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Where he had to be cake because also because we had to do resets. Right. So they made like three. Three. Okay. So we had this cake and it looked exactly like his bicep. Right. So already delicious, you know, like the veins and everything, like, color matched. It was incredible. And they painted and everything. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Do you think the person making the cake, they were like, here's the person you're going to be making the cake look like. They were like, oh, for sake. He's so ripped. There's, like, loads of stuff to do. Whereas it'd be so much easier if it was just like my arm and then be like, just looks like a cake. Anyway.

[D]

We should get roly poly.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Just get a jam rolling.

[B]

You got loads of tattoos, though. Yeah.

[A]

We just paint a roly poly. That's not too difficult, is it?

[B]

Paint a rolly poly of all your. All your different tats.

[A]

There's no veins. There's no veins, man. My veins are inside my arm where they should be.

[D]

Yeah. If anything.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

No, no. It would have been simpler and, you know, it had been cheaper because I think it cost £6,000 or some stupid. Yeah, yeah. But it was worth it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

We had to do, like, obviously several takes and stuff, so I was like, oh, this is going to be the worst cake I've ever tasted. Right. It's a prop cake.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

And it was the best thing I've ever tasted. Something that looks like an arm when you bite into it. And it was the I don't even like Victoria's sponge. Yeah, it was incredible. The jam was just jamming. The. The buttery top was just buttery topping. Like it was just moist. It was so good, man.

[A]

So is that like expectation versus reality?

[D]

Maybe it was that.

[A]

Yeah. But that's your memory of the cake. It was absolutely delicious.

[D]

It was good though, man.

[B]

And was the outside like a fondant kind of thing?

[D]

It was like a marzipan type thing.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah. And. And like flesh colored, you know, I mean, and we shot it in. That was in the winter. He wasn't tanned, you know, it was a pasty old looking thing. Sorry, Russell.

[B]

Sorry, Russell.

[D]

The bicep was lovely.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

But you know how you want your food to look.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

And it was just, just shock of it. And then also the scene is like me like falling in love with him and that's how. No, I'm in love with this man because he tastes amazing. And. And so that, that like it was no acting involved, man.

[B]

I was like, how many takes did you do?

[D]

We only did two, sadly.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And. And there was more, but I just, I had, I had.

[B]

And there are two different arms that you took bites out of, I take it?

[D]

Two different arms.

[A]

Did the crew eat the rest of the arm?

[D]

Yeah, I guess so.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Because I had to go straight into another scene. And then there was no more cake.

[B]

Yeah, got it.

[D]

Everyone loved it.

[B]

Straight into another. And they didn't save you any?

[D]

No. Can you believe that's crazy? I mean, to be fair, I wasted two with like massive bite marks in it. And I mean, so I'm like, they probably had the drinks anyway.

[B]

I can cut around those bite marks.

[A]

This is mad because James did bake off with Russell. Toby.

[B]

I did. Me and Toby were on Bake off together.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Maybe he was made of cake. That could have saved me some time. I could have just let over, cut Toby's arm off, presented it to Paul Hollywood.

[D]

Done.

[B]

There you go. Bite into that. It's a lot nicer than it looks.

[D]

Yeah, exactly. Don't be fooled by the veins.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I'd got the handshake. Barclay just shook his hand with Toby's arm.

[D]

With his arm. There we go.

[B]

Just held it up.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Hollywood handshake instead. It was the worst day of my life.

[A]

Do you want, when, when the cake is presented to you at the dream meal, do you want it to be just a disembodied arm cake or do you want it to be attached to Russell?

[D]

I want Russell on the table.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Muscles on the table.

[D]

Little bit of basil.

[A]

Basil.

[D]

Basil.

[B]

Well, you put, you put a little bit of basil on top of the, the, the cheese scraper. You don't. We could just put a little bit of basil on Russell Toby. A little bit of mint on muscle.

[A]

Mint on Toby.

[B]

Whereabouts do you want to put the mint?

[D]

You could, you know, be nice and not just the little palm of his hand.

[B]

A little palm of his hands?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Like. Like some kind of like weird pagan ceremony.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

And we'd hang out. It wouldn't be weird. We'd hang out, we chat like we're, you know, just hanging out as mates. Right. But he, he would have to like pose in the thing because I think the whole, it was the whole, it was the whole atmosphere as well. And it was like action. And then you're doing this thing and you're in bed and you're like, you know, and I think that everything contributed to making it tasty. Which that's why I do think, like, for like, food is a four dimensional experience, but all the senses.

[A]

And so Russell, Toby's arm cake.

[B]

Russell Toby's arm cake. Well, I'm gonna read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

[A]

This is a great menu.

[B]

Quite looking forward to reading this back. Still water. You would like a stack of popping on with all the dips and you're gonna just be biting them. Whole starter. You want tubby toast with a tubby custard dip.

[D]

When you put it like that sounds very juvenile.

[B]

Main course, English food. Side dish. You would like cheese scrapings on a massive plate with a garnish.

[D]

No, it has a name. Thank you.

[B]

Sorry. You would like Dragonda.

[A]

Dragon.

[D]

The plate Dragon Dawn. God, you're summer culture.

[B]

Drink for Luda. Dessert, Russell Tovey's bicep cake. Mint. A little bit mint in the palm.

[D]

Now that's a menu.

[A]

That is a menu.

[D]

That's good, isn't it?

[B]

That is very good.

[D]

Yeah, that's good.

[B]

I'd eat it. I would want to eat all of that.

[A]

I'd like a slice of the Toby arm, for sure.

[B]

I really want to try the Toby arm. I do want to see what the tubby custard and tubby toast actually tastes like.

[A]

Cheese scraping.

[B]

Absolutely. And the English food, I'm not gonna say I'm not, you know, curious about that either. I do want to know what that tastes like.

[A]

Well, that's the one we can recreate at home quite easily.

[B]

Because we're English.

[A]

Yeah, because we're English.

[D]

Because you're in.

[A]

We've got all the ingredients.

[D]

Yeah, exactly. It's in your blood.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

We know how to make that. Don't you worry.

[A]

Fantastic menu.

[B]

Thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant.

[D]

Anytime, man.

[A]

Well, there we go. What a. What a menu. We should have known that menu would have been pinging around all over the place.

[B]

James, if a man puts helium in an egg.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're gonna order that food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although he didn't order helium in an egg.

[A]

He didn't order helium.

[B]

So we sent him in.

[A]

God. Because that was the secret ingredient.

[B]

But I, I, I mean, what I said I would try all of that.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, the main course is one of the worst things I've ever heard.

[B]

It's hilarious.

[A]

Yeah. I don't need to try that because I know what all the ingredients taste like.

[B]

You don't think it'd be nice?

[A]

No, I wanna, I think it would be comforting. I from. It was, it was nostalgia for him. It was comfort. And I could see how maybe if you were in a rush and you put all those things together, it would fill you up. I mean, that would fill me up for days.

[B]

Yeah. I, I mean, something that I would never eat. But because of how much Muang clearly loves it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I did want to try it just because of the joy it clearly gave him. This English food.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, It's English food and we should know really what it tastes like.

[B]

We should know what it tastes like as Englishman.

[A]

But the cheese scrapings. Stroke of genius for me.

[B]

I, I would also try the custard skin, considering the amount of effort that went into making. I mean, what a guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Spending the whole day doing that. But getting it right.

[A]

We've all been in situations where we've got a writing deadline and instead we try and do something like that. Right.

[B]

Anything else to just anything but writing. Just put it off.

[A]

I told you I made a carrot. Carrot cake the night before. MOT the week once.

[B]

Yeah. That was why all of your scenes we'd like to see were about carrot.

[A]

About carrot cake.

[B]

Yeah. Or riffs on.

[A]

Yeah. And I was covered in crumbs.

[B]

You were covered in crumbs. Crummy Gamble.

[A]

Crummy Gamble Juice Series 2 is out soon on BBC3 and iPlayer.

[B]

Oh, lovely stuff, Ed. I guess that's off menu done for another week.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We'll see the listeners next week for more food related hijinks.

[A]

I don't like that you're all being all professional.

[B]

I think it's like new year, new vibe. People don't know that when we're recording this. This is like January. Yeah, I'm trying to be professional now.

[A]

Yeah, but it's not the first one we've recorded in January and you weren't professional for those.

[B]

But that was what I was thinking. Jonah's like, Joe. What? Man, you got up your game.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, Ed does so many podcasts now. He's so professional.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got to show him that. Like you, you know, you're professional too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And because I worry, you know, every time you leave, I'll say to Bonito, he's gonna leave me. He's gonna leave me. He's gonna. He's gonna continue to do the other podcast full time.

[A]

No way.

[B]

And I need to show him that I'm professional, that I'm worth staying with.

[D]

No.

[A]

I will do this podcast forever.

[B]

Oh, I was hoping we could quit fairly soon.

[A]

No way, man.

[B]

I don't think forever. I think we need to say forever.

[A]

Well, there we go. We've made it unprofessional at the end. See you next week.

[B]

Bye.

[C]

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[D]

Hello, I'm Carrie Ad. I'm Sarah and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast festival.

[A]

The date is Thursday 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

[D]

Tickets from Kingsplace Co UK Single Ladies is coming to London True on Saturday 13th September at the London Podcast Festival. The rumors are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.