Montaigne

Summary

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster: Montaigne (May 6, 2026)

Overview:

In this vibrant episode of Off Menu, hosts Ed Gamble and James Acaster welcome acclaimed Australian musician Montaigne (Jess Cerro) into their “dream restaurant,” inviting them to build their ideal meal from starter to dessert—while dishing on music, queerness, vegetables, veganism, and more. The trio riff on everything from horror films and British history to heavy toast and the peculiarities of vegan Bloody Marys, all in classic Off Menu fashion: wickedly funny and affectionately chaotic.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Opening Banter & Montaigne’s Introduction

• The hosts enthuse about Montaigne's music, especially the new album It’s Hard to Be a Fish.
  • James: “Every one of their albums, I’d say, has got better and better. Bearing in mind, started well. I loved the debut album.” (03:31)
• They reveal the secret ingredient is “fish,” inspired by Montaigne’s album, but joke it’s unlikely to be a risk for a vegan guest (05:49).

---

On Horror Films, Australia & Life in the UK

• Discussion of Australia’s reputation for scary horror films and its bleak, isolated landscapes.
  • Montaigne: “When you get a bit more inland, it gets very sparse, gets very small populations. I feel like that’s good fodder for that sort of like what’s gonna happen kind of situation.” (08:41)
• Montaigne shares UK touring experiences and reflects on differences with Australian audiences and cities.
  • Montaigne: “It’s nice to come to a place where people are like, they’re buying tickets and they’re loving it.” (09:59)
• Memorable chat about visiting Bristol and learning deeper local history, such as the Colston statue (10:15–12:30).

---

Making Music, Family, and the “Fish” Metaphor

• Montaigne explains the personal, metaphorical meaning behind It’s Hard to Be a Fish, relating it to their queerness, family breakup, and personal growth.
  • “The album is kind of about that... the grief of sort of having to disconnect yourself from your parents while they’re still alive... being on a shipwreck and then floating in the ocean, deciding where you’re gonna go next.” (15:00)
  • “We’re like all fish, man. Yeah, we’re all being hunted by someone or something.” (17:56)
  • Uses “fish” as a metaphor for queerness and fluidity: “There’s a lot of interesting stuff happening in the ocean. The males get pregnant. That’s cool... It reveals to us the world is not very clear cut... I liked it as an idea, like as a representation for queerness.” (19:09)

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Dream Menu Choices

Water:

• Sparkling, “for the high-brow restaurant experience” (19:50).
  • “If you’re paying that much money, you’re getting the sparkling water.” – Montaigne (20:31)
• Fun tangent about fancy restaurants possibly decanting cheap water. Penn & Teller’s “Bullshit” TV show gets name-checked. (21:34)

Bread vs. Poppadoms:

• “Bread! I eat poppadoms very rarely... but bread is as a vegan, especially, an all the time thing.” (25:57)
• Describes favorite “liquid heavy toast” at home: baked beans, tomatoes, kale, pickled onions, and more loaded onto sourdough. Hosts delight in this “liquid heavy toast” concept (26:47–27:33).
• Dream restaurant bread: classic focaccia, served with sea salt, oil, and maybe balsamic vinegar. (31:18)

Starter:

• Trio of vegetables—leek, fennel, celeriac—each cooked expertly, with sauce/jus. (32:57)
  • Montaigne: “Like just done really well with like a little sauce and a jus…leek is lemony, fennel roasted or as kebab, celeriac pureed or as kebab.” (33:24)
  • Expresses unabashed love for vegetables: “Not many people love vegetables. I love them.” (34:57)

Veggie Advocacy: The Lettuce Tangent

• Advocates for extra lettuce with burgers—so you can “top up” and mop up extra sauce. (35:51)
  • “It should be socially acceptable and free to ask for extra lettuce.” – Montaigne (37:56)
• Draws laughter and debate from the hosts, who mostly disagree but appreciate the passion.

Main Course:

• Home-cooked lentil Bolognese (rich with red wine, tomato, onion). Prefers brown lentils.
  • “It's honestly better than like a regular like beef Bolognese... you can eat a lot of it and you don’t feel gross in your tummy.” (40:10)
  • Vegan parmesan on top; agrees a heavier pasta like fettuccine is good but can be tricky to cook. (41:00)

Side Dish:

• Blackened carrots from Smith & Daughters (Melbourne), with herb yogurt and Aleppo pine nut butter—memorable for inspiring nearly antisocial behavior:
  • “I almost turned into that guy. These carrots are so delicious.” (51:29)
  • Reflects on the importance of just ordering more when you love a dish.

Drink:

• Bloody Mary—loves spice and tomato, not fussy on elaborate garnishes, just wants a classic celery stick.
  • “My dream drink’s pretty basic. I think it’s just a Bloody Mary. I love Bloody Mary. I love tomato anything.” (58:30)
• Laughs about always suffering with chili in banh mi sandwiches, “snot down here, tears, like everything… but I just have to.” (60:37)

Dessert:

• Smith & Daughters vegan tiramisu. “That was... one of the most delicious things I’ve ever eaten in my whole life... they actually do this you can just buy it from the fridge and you take it home. And I did that as well and it was as good from the fridge.” (65:03–65:35)
• Talks vegan baking, sweet tooth changes over time, and nostalgia for “decadent” choc chip cookies eaten in the cinema: “[As a kid] just eat the whole thing. That was the best.” (70:29)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Fish Metaphor: “We’re like all fish, man. Yeah, we’re like all being hunted by someone or something.” – Montaigne, 17:56
• On Queerness & Ocean Metaphor: “Fish is a term that is...slang among trans people sometimes. I liked it as an idea, as a representation for queerness…seahorses, the males get pregnant. That’s cool.” – Montaigne, 18:42–19:09
• Burger Lettuce Rant: “All burgers should come with a pile of shredded lettuce on the side, so when you’re eating a burger, if you want to top up, you can...you can just mop it up with the lettuce.” – Montaigne, 35:51
• Vegan Lentil Bolognese: “It's honestly better than a regular beef Bolognese or mince...It's so delicious and it’s so cheap. Just make it at home.” – Montaigne, 40:09
• Dessert Sweet Tooth: “I have a pretty sweet tooth, but I can't hoof it like I used to... three bites, I'm like, okay, that's good. Like, I enjoyed that and that's enough.” – Montaigne, 64:49
• Dream Drink: “My dream drink’s, like, pretty basic. I think it’s just a Bloody Mary. I love Bloody Mary. I love tomato. Honestly, like, close second tomato juice.” – Montaigne, 58:30
• Smith & Daughters Vegan Tiramisu: “That was the most, one of the most delicious things I’ve ever eaten in my whole life.” – Montaigne, 65:24

---

Timestamped Highlights

• [03:25] James shares discovering Montaigne’s music in his “2016 project” phase.
• [05:49] “Fish” is chosen as the secret ingredient, referencing Montaigne’s album.
• [08:41] Montaigne explains Australia’s horror aesthetic and landscape isolation.
• [10:15–12:30] Discussing Bristol’s history, Colston statue, and local museums.
• [15:00–19:46] Montaigne unpacks the album It’s Hard to Be a Fish, family estrangement, queerness, and compassion through “fish” metaphor.
• [19:50] Picks sparkling water; group muses on restaurant water practices.
• [25:57] Bread vs. poppadoms: “Bread, for me” as a vegan, with detailed sourdough and “liquid heavy toast” home ritual.
• [32:57] Starter: “A really nice leek, fennel, celeriac... with a little sauce and a jus.”
• [35:51] Montaigne's “extra lettuce with burgers” dream.
• [40:09] Main course: vegan lentil Bolognese, home recipe, rich and comforting.
• [51:29] Montaigne describes almost anti-social carrot-hoarding at Smith & Daughters: “These carrots are so delicious…wanted to eat all of this.”
• [58:30] Dream drink: Bloody Mary, crisp and spicy; sadness at bar over-elaboration.
• [65:24] Dessert love: Smith & Daughters vegan tiramisu.
• [76:25] Discussion of Montaigne’s independence from her label and reliance on Bandcamp/Patreon for income.

---

Wrap-Up and Reflections

• Meal Recap: Sparkling water, focaccia bread, trio of vegetable starters (leek, fennel, celeriac), lentil Bolognese (made by her partner), blackened carrots (Smith & Daughters), Bloody Mary, and vegan tiramisu (also Smith & Daughters).
• Personal Touch: Menu reflects Montaigne’s veganism, love of vegetables and simple, well-cooked food, plus nods to music, queerness, and personal growth.
• Outro: Hosts thank Montaigne, promote their album and tour, and reflect on music vs. food talk and their own attempts at being “cool around musicians.”
  • Ed: “Thank you very much to Montaigne for coming on the pod. Go and have a listen to It’s Hard to Be a Fish.” (80:09)

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Further Recommendations

• Find Montaigne: Bandcamp, Patreon, and tour tickets at montaignemusic.com
• Discover Smith & Daughters: Iconic Melbourne vegan cuisine, highly praised in this episode.
• Listen to It’s Hard to Be a Fish: For fans of thoughtful, emotional, sonically adventurous music.

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This episode is a playful, thoughtful tour through identity, food, and fandom—vegetable-forward, vegan-delicious, and full of bright confessional warmth, delivered with Off Menu’s signature wit and Montaigne’s candid charm.

Transcript

[James Acaster]

I'm on tour. I'm on tour until August and there are still tickets [e-mail] I'm looking at you Glasgow, Belfast. Oh, there was somewhere else. Just please go on the website to buy tickets.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Please.

[James Acaster]

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[Montaigne (Jess)]

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[Montaigne (Jess)]

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[Ed Gamble]

howdy folks. This episode of Off Menu is brought to you by Boar's Head. The Friar's Turkey Breast.

[James Acaster]

Imagine a backyard tradition, okay? A sun drenched afternoon, a massive vat of bubbling oil, and a man named Big Dave wearing goggles.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a lot of effort for a bird.

[James Acaster]

It's a lot of effort for a lunch, isn't it? Well, what if I told you that the Boar's Head has brought that exact backyard tradition right to the deli counter?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I'd say, James, you've finally lost it. And I think you lost it a while ago. But this is beyond the pale.

[James Acaster]

Boar's Head brings to the deli the taste of deep fried turkey. It's all the seasoning and that golden fried glory of the Friar's Turkey Breast. But without Big Dave having to set up a perimeter in your garden.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh man, that sounds genuinely incredible.

[James Acaster]

Only from Boar's Head, Ed. It's basically craftsmanship you can eat. Speaking of which, you lot listening need to get down to your local deli counter and experience the difference Boar's Head makes. The Friar's Turkey Breast in stores now. It's delicious. It's golden. It's the taste of deep fried B's head.

[Ed Gamble]

Committed to craft since 1905. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Peeling the tab of conversation off the Toblerone of friendship and really trying hard to break off a chunk of humor is the Toblerone podcast. James, I Was just thinking about Toblerone. I'm so tired.

[James Acaster]

That is it. Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week we invite in a guest asking their favorite ever start of Makeles, dessert side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is

[Ed Gamble]

Montaigne. James is a musician, of course.

[James Acaster]

Fantastic musician. One of my faves. I discovered their music as part of my 2016 project when I went absolutely nuts.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no way. Now, we've interviewed everyone from Strictly. We're going through everyone you discovered in 2016.

[James Acaster]

Yes. And it's going to be a long road, my friend. That's a lot of people. That is a lot of people. And every one of their albums, I'd say, has got better and better. Bearing in mind, started well. I loved the debut album.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Each album I've loved more and more. Love the direction that their music has gone in. And I absolutely love their new album, It's Hard to Be a Fish.

[Ed Gamble]

I listened to it on the way over. I loved it as well.

[James Acaster]

It's fantastic. Very excited to talk to Jess.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Montaigne's actual name.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

About. About the album. And also, I don't know what kind of food they like. Even though we've worked together, we made food. We've made food together. No, no, we've made music together.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but that's not food.

[James Acaster]

Food of life.

[Ed Gamble]

Food of love.

[James Acaster]

Is it the food of love if

[Ed Gamble]

music be the food of love? Play on, James.

[James Acaster]

One of us went to Durham. The other doesn't know the difference between love and life.

[Ed Gamble]

She didn't learn that in Durham.

[James Acaster]

Did you not? No.

[Ed Gamble]

That's cool. That's basic Shakespeare.

[James Acaster]

That's nursery.

[Ed Gamble]

That's nursery level Shakespeare.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's nursery level Shakespeare.

[Ed Gamble]

That was on our blocks at nursery. On our letter block. We spelt it out.

[James Acaster]

In Ketman. You get told it when you get a job.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Will you eventually, like, leave school to graduate, then they tell you your first bit of Shakespeare? Okay. I couldn't remember if it's love or life.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Music is a food of love. Play on. Yeah. Well, there you go.

[Ed Gamble]

And if food is the music of love, make me dinner.

[James Acaster]

That's a new tagline for the podcast, Benito. You got to put that out there so the world can hear it, because that's a good tagline.

[Ed Gamble]

Tell you what. Now and again, I really tickle myself.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we're trying to come up with. There's a. There's a secret ingredient in this podcast by the way where if the guest says it, then we kick him out and we're trying to come up with what the Montague. Montaigne's one could be. And Ed was like, it's Montaigne. Is it like a mountain in some language? But it was like on Montana is like in French. Is like, oh, we could pick a Toblerone.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

If it's that. And then we decided against it and then it starts talking and it's pinning the tab off the Toblerone. I thought, he's on the brain about Toblerone.

[Ed Gamble]

Bleep. It was in the queue. Gotta get it out there.

[James Acaster]

But the secret gritty is not Toblerone. The secret gradient is fish.

[Ed Gamble]

Fish.

[James Acaster]

It's fish. Because the album's got the word fish in it. It's there. It's on a plate. Although I don't know Jess's eating habits. I think that Jess doesn't eat meat, but I'm not sure.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, so they might be a vegan. So that we. There might be no way we can kick them out.

[James Acaster]

There might be. This might be. Yeah. Just like, pointless.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

We might as well have just said a chair, you know, but, like, vegans could eat a chair, to be fair. Depends what the chair is. Not a leather chair.

[Ed Gamble]

Good point.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So if there are any vegans in who have just tucked a napkin in their collar and about a leather chair.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You might want to Google what's in that.

[Ed Gamble]

You might want to have a look. You idiot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Montana's touring Australia in August for the 10th anniversary of their Glorious Heights album, 2016. For dates and tickets, go to montanemusic.com this is the off menu menu of Montane.

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome, Montagn, to the Dream Restaurant.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, thank you for having me.

[James Acaster]

Welcome, Montagne, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Whoa. Yeah, thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

Those are getting louder.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it has to get louder because if people have listened to the podcast before, they're going to expect. I've got to surprise them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So you've got to go up in volume every time.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you feel surprised, Jess?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I was surprised, yeah. I was scared, yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's how we like our guests right at the beginning, to be very on edge, really scared.

[James Acaster]

Like it's a horror film.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

And I love feeling this way. I've got to say, feels good.

[James Acaster]

Australians do very good horror films at the minute.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Everyone's scared. I can't really report on any of them because I don't watch horror films, but I do hear that they're Quite good. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

This new one, everyone's saying it's so scary.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Which one? Together or the other one?

[James Acaster]

The.

[Ed Gamble]

Bring Her Back.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Bring her back. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

The Philippe twins.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, that's right.

[Ed Gamble]

Who I've heard interviewed and seemed like really lovely. Just sort of puppy dog energy. Australian boys and then they make the most horrible films I've ever seen in my life.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It's like that sometimes, isn't it? Sometimes people with the greatest levity produce the darkest things. It's like Hayao Miyazaki is like the most depressed man, but he makes these beautiful Ghibli films, you know? Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Maybe that's why Ed makes very happy comedy.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Makes everyone feel good. But he's a dark.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And Junji Ito, you aware of Junji Ito's work?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Really happy man. Loves his cats. And then writes absolutely horrific horror manga.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Crazy.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Why is it that Australian films. So there's. It's either very funny character led comedy or horrible depressing like gritty dramas where everyone gets hurt and it's just like so dark and everyone's in the bush and it's all horrible.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

That's a good question, I think. I don't know. We're a pretty isolated country, right. Like I feel like there's. There's a lot. There's a lot of isolated sort of desolate parts of. Of the land. Right. Like we only populate the Perth, namely Perth. Only really populate the coastline. And then when you get a bit more inland, it gets very sparse, gets very small populations. I feel like that's good fodder for that sort of like what's gonna happen kind of situation. Like the roads at night. Pretty scary out back that way because it's not very bright, like not a lot of lights and stuff. So it's a lot of. It's rich. It's rich fertile soil. Literally and figuratively for that kind of fiction. I. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Who's that? What's that? Was it Wolf Creek?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. No one I've seen, but yeah.

[James Acaster]

Not seen it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

That's one of. That's one of those. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Just horrible country.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah. Disgusting. It's terrible.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. No, scary country.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope I never go scary to live there as well. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

We also, with our guests, we like to immediately say that their. Their home is horrible.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And scary.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

That's all.

[James Acaster]

Let's say we do that with everyone. It never makes the edit. Let's see if this does.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

You're beautiful hosts. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And in the minute you're on the uk, how are you finding that? You can say anything you like at this point.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you can go for it.

[James Acaster]

Australia.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, no, it's been good. I've enjoyed it. Audiences are good. They're excited for live music, which is like something that Australia is struggling with a little bit at the moment. So it's nice to come to a place where people are like, they're buying tickets and they're loving it.

[James Acaster]

They can't relax the Australian audience. Thinking about all the horror, all of

[Montaigne (Jess)]

the Wolf Creek type stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, there's some backwards man from the bush is going to come in with a big axe.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Exactly. No, none of that here. It's always great, like, coming to a place that just like, looks totally different. I mean, actually not totally different. It's interesting because, like, obviously the British colonize Australia, so we've got some architectural similarities. You're welcome. Thank you. I appreciate it. I don't know, I've been here before, so some of it feels more novel and some less. I went to Bristol yesterday. I really liked Bristol's cool. Did also find out that that was like the hub of slavery. And. And so there's, you know. But they push him in the swings and roundabouts. Yeah, no, no, exactly. I went to. I went to the M Shed yesterday, which is like the Bristol Museum kind of thing, is all about Bristol and. And they have. They have the statue, like, lying on its side with the graffiti on in a glass case and they tell you all about it. I was like. I was cheering. I was like, this is great.

[Ed Gamble]

Trying to push that in the. In the river again.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, exactly. Smashing the glass, trying to lift it up, rolling it again down the hill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, this is probably quite controversial for me, but I'm not afraid. I'm sure there's some Colston heads out there who are like, I love the guy's work.

[James Acaster]

There was at the time. It was crazy. Oh, yeah, they pushed him in the drink. Actually, no one said. I don't think anyone dared say at the time that they loved him. But they tried to make the arguments about, well, yeah, it's history.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, exactly.

[James Acaster]

And what are we doing? And it's like, well, why don't put, like, there's the same bit of history, but the good guys and make a statue of them. Yeah. And then they had no answer for that. They were like, don't push him in the drink.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Stop pushing him in the drink.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

No one used the phrase the drink around that time. No, no, no.

[James Acaster]

It got pushed in the drink for what I remember.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Well, that's good that they. I didn't know that they had it in the glass case.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. It's funny.

[James Acaster]

Do you remember any of the graffiti?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, I was just read. It was just like, I think maybe, I don't, I don't know if there was a placard saying what the. The red symbolized. I feel like maybe just like blood or just like, I don't like this guy's face. So I'm gonna cover it with red.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that's the only paint they could find on the day.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it could be. Yeah, yeah. Rushing down to the drink, grab some graffiti on the way.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, it was genuinely very good exhibit. Well, not just exhibit. It was like it was a whole. It was a whole thing. There was lots of information there. It was quite informative. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I'm impressed with a couple of weeks. Yeah, I'm going to go to that. I've got to go and see Stu Goldsmith.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And get all the gossip about Edinburgh from him. And then I'm going to go and

[Montaigne (Jess)]

see the Edinburgh gossip. I have a lot of friends who went to Edinburgh and I can't wait to go back to Australia and get the gossip from them.

[Ed Gamble]

Who are your friends who went to Edinburgh and what gossip do you think they're going to have?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I have a friend named Robin Reynolds who's really amazing. New stand up. She's like a Brit, but she's based in Melbourne in Australia and I made friends with. I just moved to Melbourne. Great city, loving it. And she's great. Do you know Zack Zucker?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. I mean, I don't live near him, but he's a friend and I should probably probe him.

[James Acaster]

So Zack Zucker and Robin Reynolds so far?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm just very excited about the fact they both have illustrative names.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, that's so true.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I didn't even think about it.

[Ed Gamble]

I know. His brain works.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

That's funny.

[Ed Gamble]

He can't wait.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

He's gonna let me think. Let me see if I can wrestle up another one.

[Ed Gamble]

You try and rustle up some and James will definitely make up some.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah,

[James Acaster]

I won't make it up any.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you drink?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Did you drink?

[Ed Gamble]

Drink for everything.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

This is a drink themed episode.

[James Acaster]

I can't wait till we get to dream drink.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It'll be so exciting.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Those are my friends. I got two friends.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, two friends is good. It's all you need. I got two friends.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Ed.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And did you drink?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh. Did you share? Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Cool. Not myself. Myself.

[Ed Gamble]

You can be friends with yourself, James can't.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Famous friend of self.

[James Acaster]

Not my cup of tea.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No. Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

He'd never write any shows if he was friends with himself.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, so true.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Just sit around at home being happy.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, I get that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

He said all my material is this firm. I hate this guy.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Sometimes it's me that I'm talking about. Sometimes it's Benito.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I make out like it's me, but it's really something Benito's done.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Tell us about your album.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

My album? It's called It's Hard to Be a Fish.

[James Acaster]

This is perfect.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Why is it perfect?

[James Acaster]

Because we've been talking about the drink.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, yeah, yeah. And now we're talking about another thing.

[James Acaster]

And now we're going to talk about the fish, which is in the water.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And before we even start recording, we're talking about my octopus teacher.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

We're talking about that. I love. I love all things marine.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. No, I. The reason why it's called It's Hard to Be a Fish. Many reasons, but partly because when I started making the album, I lived by the sea in Coogee in Australia, and my partner at the time was like a full ocean swimmer. Did, like, the 2Ks out into the ocean, like, would also. So that was very much part of, like, my world at the time of making or starting to make the album, and was like, truly trying to tap into that when I was producing it as well, with the sounds and stuff, with just, like, lots of ocean and water samples and seagull samples and stuff like that. And then. And then broke up with that person and moved out and my whole life changed completely. And then I had this, like, reckoning with, like, I guess, my family life. I don't talk to my parents anymore. Love them, God bless them. It's very complex and I do not wish any ill upon my parents whatsoever. I love them, but they just. I can't have a relationship with them anymore. And the album is kind of about that. Is about how just, like, my feelings swirling around that. The grief of sort of having to, like, disconnect yourself from your parents while you're like, they're still alive. The sort of, like, resentment as well, which, like, I have to acknowledge, like, there's a lot of anger there, a lot of resentment, but then also sort of the feeling of, I guess, relief as well, I guess after the fact. There's a lot of analogies in there about, like, Being on a shipwreck and then floating in the ocean, deciding where you're gonna go next, like, are you gonna swim back to that person? Are you gonna, like, find some new island and see what happens? Even though it's unknown and scary? So that's sort of. It's all trying to incorporate this notion of fish, ocean ships drifting in and out, the oscillation of things and, I guess, family life and just encompassing all these experiences of my life. It's crazy.

[James Acaster]

That is it how you can start to. I think we get this with shows and stuff as well, with comedy shows, where you start to do it about one thing and then it becomes about something else. But the initial thing still kind of bleeds into it, still. Still carries on, even though they're not necessarily connected. It's about to say that that's never happened to him. Ye.

[Ed Gamble]

I have no subtext. Something happens in my life and I directly talk about that thing.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

And then it's the end of the show. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Then the next routine is a different thing.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

And then it's the next thing that happened.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Chronologically, Jess.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm not fucking around by going back in time.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. No, like, memories, you just leave them behind. No place. No place in your life.

[James Acaster]

If Ed was doing it, your album, it would be a very stark. Talking about being next to the sea and his partner swimming out in the sea. And then it would be, I'm not talking to my parents anymore.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. And then it would be, I saw a fish and I thought, it's hard to be a fish.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So, yeah, they wouldn't be connected.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, I see. Well, yeah, the extra layer for me with that is, like, part of the way I started conceiving of, like, my relationship with my mom. Initially. This is me when I'm, like, at my most, like, Petcha. And I'm like, I'm a victim. Is like, she's a cat and I'm a fish and I'm getting hunted, man. I'm getting hunted. But then, like, when I started to think about it some more, I was like, no, we're like, all fish, man. Yeah, we're like all being hunted by someone or something. We've all got our own thing. We have to remember that. And we have to try and, you know, be a bit more compassionate towards each other. And I'm again, trying to be that with my mum on the album. Try not to be just like, you're a bitch. You know, like, try to also be like, no, you're a Human being. A lot of stuff has happened to you. And you're a fish.

[James Acaster]

You're a bigger fish.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, exactly. You know, like. Yeah. And also, like, as a metaphor for queerness, like, I am queer, I'm non binary and I'm bisexual as well. And like, fish is a term that is. It's like slang that gets used among trans people sometimes as well. And I just thought it was like a. I, I liked it as an idea, like, as a representation for queerness as well. Because there's also a lot of like, interesting stuff happening in the ocean. Like seahorses.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

The males get pregnant. That's cool. I like that. You know, I think the ocean, there's a lot of things in there that reveal to us that the world is not very clear cut. Right. Like these ideas of like, gender and biology and stuff are not just like male and female and their genitals happen this way and the mind happens this way. It's like there's a lot of different stuff that happens down there and also within human beings. But I think human beings find it harder to accept difference among themselves sometimes. You know, I mean. Yeah. So I thought, you know, the fish metaphor analogy. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Let's get into your dream menu. We always start with still a sparkling water.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I was talking to my partner about this. I was like, in the dream restaurant, can it be both, like high end and low brow? You know, like, what kind of experience am I going for? And I think I'm gonna go for both. And in this. But on this course, it's. It's high brow. So it's going to be sparkling.

[James Acaster]

So you see, the sparkling is that.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I think so. It's like when you go to like a fine dining restaurant, like, I mean, they offer you both, but you go for spark.

[Ed Gamble]

You got to go for spark.

[James Acaster]

You go.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

You got to do it. I think.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Even if you don't like it, I think it's. That's just. You got to get the full experience.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Even that's immediately you're like on the train to, like highfalutin.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

On the train to high flute.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

If you're paying that much money, you're getting the sparkling water. And I don't know, this. Something I don't know about these restaurants is like, how do they source the sparkling? Are they doing it themselves? Are they getting just like a San Pellegrino? Are they like, what, what is it? I don't know. But I have to assume that it's like the good stuff. Whatever the good. The. It's like the best carbonated water, you

[James Acaster]

know, because they're not bringing out San Pellegrino at that place. They're bringing out a plain bottle, unmarked bottle. No, it's bottle that is sparkling. And I've never actually thought about that.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No.

[James Acaster]

Of like, where's that?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

What have you decanted into there?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Made it yourself.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But usually those places, they'll describe every course in detail. Should think while they were pouring the water, they'd be like, and we made this ourselves.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Well, maybe that's the thing. It's like. Maybe the lack of mention means it's actually quite cheaply sourced.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Would that disappoint you if you sort of the door to the kitchen swung open, you saw it was like the cheapest sparkling water available.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It would.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. I'd feel like annoyed at myself as well, that I'd been convinced by the surroundings.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That everything was fancy.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

There's a TV show that ages ago that Penn and Teller did. So Benito. Benito will know about.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Called bullshit, Benito. It's called bullshit.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

And one episode, they opened a fake restaurant that was like fancy fine dining restaurant, but in the kitchen they were just making everything with like cheese whiz and cheap things from the supermarket going out, explaining to the customers how fancy it was and how they're made. And the customers were like, oh, yes, this is incredible. And they're obviously filming them with secret cameras and being like, these people are morons. And I think about that a lot when I'm in those. Whenever I've gone to a fancy restaurant and I'm eating and they've explained how great it is to me, I might be on Penn and Teller's bullshit. And I've got to not.

[Ed Gamble]

They might have recommissioned Penn and Teller's

[James Acaster]

they might have recommissioned Penn and Teller's bullshit and said, only episode for episode the same as the first time you made. And I'm here eating cheese whiz on a Ritz cracker.

[Ed Gamble]

Your ego is wild sometimes, huh? But you're just out in public going, they might be filming

[James Acaster]

Truman Show. Yeah, Truman Show. And I think I might be on both at the same time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Like, this is like I'm on the

[Montaigne (Jess)]

treatment show within the Truman Show. They're doing. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Like they've done. Yeah, they've done a hidden thing, shows

[Montaigne (Jess)]

it on the Truman Show. Do you reckon?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Good. Well, because it's supposed to be like a sort of squeaky clean 1950s style America, really, isn't it? It's like the idyllic American dream.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

So how many channels do you.

[Ed Gamble]

Probably not many channels. Yeah, yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

How much extra TV were they making for this one? Man?

[Ed Gamble]

If maybe he hadn't got out, maybe they would have done a Truman show within the Truman Show.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So he was like watching someone else have the Truman show done to them.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Jesus Christ.

[Ed Gamble]

That's crazy. That's a good sequel.

[James Acaster]

It might have been a good way to convince him that he wasn't in the Truman Show.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

What about a Truman show sequel? It's kind of like. Like Squid Game. Have you guys seen Squid Game?

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

You know, he goes back to Squid Game. What if there was a sequel to the Truman show where he made another Truman Show? He was the director. He did the Truman Show.

[Ed Gamble]

But then when he's the director up in the moon, he finds out they're making a Truman show of him. Or you're gonna have to delete this. Bonito.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, bonito. They're gonna try and get this from us. Oh, they're gonna try and get this from us. Hollywood. That would be good. I mean, he would at least be. Even if they weren't making a treatment show of him, surely he's always gonna be paranoid.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So surely when he escapes the treatment show.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's a happy end in that film. But surely the rest of his life,

[Ed Gamble]

he's like, you don't see it.

[James Acaster]

How do I know this is what you don't see as a happy ending?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I find it really depressing. It's just like looking at the door.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You're like, what's his life gonna be like now?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Well, I guess. Yeah, I didn't think of it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Does he get like a pension for the rest of his life or something? Like some sort of compensate? Like, does he. Is he put up for the rest of his life? Surely because he doesn't have a real job.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, he's writing a book.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I guess he's got qualifications.

[Ed Gamble]

He's writing a book though, isn't he?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, totally.

[Ed Gamble]

That book is.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

He's an influencer now.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a bestseller.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, you're right. He's just doing the talk shows for the rest of his life. The circuit.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah. He's gotta be talking. But he'd always be thinking, I'm still in it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

He'd always. He'd hate it. It.

[James Acaster]

He'd be thinking, how do I know this is real life.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

He could remake dumb and dumber What? Because he looks exactly like.

[James Acaster]

He comes out, sees dumb and dumber and goes, hey, I could be Lloyd Christmas. Yeah, yeah. Remake all those films.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Smoking. The mask.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

The mask, yeah. Yeah. But what if he was a bad actor?

[James Acaster]

To be a bad actor.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Do people say smoking in Australia?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Australia. I've probably heard it once or twice, but it's not common. Yeah. What do you say?

[James Acaster]

Poppadoms are bread.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. This is funny. I was talking with my partners, I was doing. I was doing my homework with my partner. I was floating all the steam.

[James Acaster]

It's good.

[Ed Gamble]

We like.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

And we were saying, like, this is not a question you would ask in Australia because it's just to be fair. Oh, yeah, okay.

[James Acaster]

Only on the podcast.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, only in the podcast, yeah. Oh, I see. I thought maybe because Indian food is quite common here. Yeah, that it was. That was a good like British thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, definitely. Like poppadoms are very popular here. But you wouldn't ever ask the question. Poppadoms are all bread.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. For me bread. For me bread. I eat papadoms very rarely. I like them when I have them but like when I go to India I don't get them every time. It's a sometimes thing for me and. But bread is as a vegan, especially an all the time thing.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What sort of bread are you, what sort of bread are you eating all the time? And then what's your dream bread for

[Montaigne (Jess)]

the dream restaurant sort of bread? I mean all the time is a sourdough. Australia's got. We got access to quite good. Just like supermarket sourdough.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

A brand called Sonoma. I don't know if you've heard about this, but it's like quite good stuff. It's not like the best at the supermarket, but it's amazing when you get it like the market or something. It's really good. But anyway, I'll get that a bunch because I do a lot of like heavy toasts, you know, like quite liquid heavy toast. And then you pop it on and like just the simple white bread is not going to carry all that.

[Ed Gamble]

Talk me through the concept of a heavy toast.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

So like liquid heavy toast.

[James Acaster]

Liquid heavy toast. I'll do like never call an album that disgusting color.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Hey, you can call an album anything.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

And I stand by that.

[Ed Gamble]

You could come up with an analogy for liquid heavy toast, I reckon.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Actually the more we say it, the more I would buy an album.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah. Like I make a lot of like the bean type things that are plop onto toast. So like, you know, like kind of a baked beans kind of situation. But there'll be cherry tomatoes in there, maybe some kale, and then on top will be like some pickled red onions and like a lot of herbs and like some lemon juice, salt, pepper, chili flakes and maybe like some avocado or hummus or garlic sauce or something on the toast.

[Ed Gamble]

Sounds good.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

All of that on the toast is very heavy. Yeah, it's very heavy.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a liquid heavy toast.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I don't.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I don't put it on the side. I put it on the toast and then you just go. Just try to fit it all in.

[James Acaster]

And this is a thick slice of toast.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Well, relatively you can, because I'm slicing it myself at home. Like, it's got the loaf. So some. Sometimes it's thin. Ish. But sourdough, you can never get it that thin, you know?

[James Acaster]

Sure.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Have you ever tried, like a really thin.

[Ed Gamble]

Really thin slice? It has holes in it as well.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

So if you get a holy bit and then you try to.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

There's no brick bread. No, exactly.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I had some. Well, was it last week? Went to a restaurant and their bread was. They'd crossed cross pollinated sourdough and a croissant. So it was like the outside was crispy, like sourdough, but the inside was this like, croissant kind of thing. So there wasn't any holes, but it was like very fluffy and stuff on the inside. And that was.

[Ed Gamble]

That sounds good.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

That sounds pretty addicted to that.

[Ed Gamble]

Can I shout that? Shout out where that was.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I can't remember what it was called. It was in Valencia. Shout out to all my Spanish friends. Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Huge, huge ups to Spain.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But Benito's trying to Google it now and see where.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he's quite good at this.

[James Acaster]

I could have just looked at my phone.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And been like, oh, it was called this because it being my calendar.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because we reserved. But I've left it in the other room.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So I'm trying to do that more now.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But then you realize there's never any time in your life you don't need your phone. And I should have. I should. I'm just gonna have to surrender myself to it forever. Just accept that I'm addicted to it and.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That. Be that.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

But socks. I hate it.

[James Acaster]

You know, if Ben can figure it out, we'll all be quite impressed with him. I think the name Ricardo was in there somewhere.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Ricardo.

[James Acaster]

Well, I'm. I'm guessing.

[Ed Gamble]

You sure that wasn't the name of

[James Acaster]

the waiter could have been the waiter. I've got with the waiter quite a lot. Bar Ricardo. Could have been. Wasn't a bar.

[Ed Gamble]

I do think they should list the waiters names on the websites of restaurants with a little picture. Like it a cast for a play.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that would be good, don't you think? Look forward to seeing them.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

All the big names. Yeah. Can go in.

[James Acaster]

Ricardo's not gonna be here today.

[Ed Gamble]

The reason we came.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, man.

[James Acaster]

Do you have a favorite way you've ever had anyone? Anyone who sticks in the head?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I had a pretty good one last night. I went to just like a ramen place in Bristol and the guy was. He was really friendly. He was just really nice. A lot of energy and good service. You know, one of us went to the bathroom right at the beginning and he sort of came up and he was like, does anyone have allergies? And we were like, oh, we don't. But we don't know if the other guy is. And he's like, I'll ask when he comes back. And then he came back and he asked and he remembered and he. And did his due diligence.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

And I was like, that's good waiting. That's good wait staffing.

[James Acaster]

I thought you were gonna say you went in after. We don't know about the other guy.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Well, anyone have any allergies in here?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you in the cubicle. Your friends say they know you're well enough.

[Ed Gamble]

Smell you got allergies, buddy.

[James Acaster]

If you don't mind me saying, my

[Ed Gamble]

wife is allergic to pineapple.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So whenever we go to a restaurant and they say, does anyone have any allergies? She always says, I'm allergic to pineapple. And I'd say every other time, the waiter would be like, okay, well, that'll be all right. We have pineapple. She's like, yeah, but I don't know. You don't have pineapple.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, exactly. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

If I don't say it, then it's gonna. It's gonna come up.

[James Acaster]

The pineapple comes out. They're like, well, why didn't you say? Because most of the time people roll their eyes and say, we gotta write spongebob. That's it.

[Ed Gamble]

Spongebob's not allergic to pineapple.

[James Acaster]

Last person wouldn't be allergic to pineapple. Absolute idiot if he's allergic to pineapples.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Built his house out of pineapple. Idiot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Especially under the sea.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Could have avoided it. Do you want your liquid heavy toast, like, as your bread course? Do you want it to be with all the stuff you usually put on it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No. Well, again, at like a. If it was a fine dining place, I would just want the really good focaccia with the salt, the sea salt and the oil, the. Maybe the balsamic vinegar. I think that's the best. I think that's the best part of the fight is the fresh, warm made bread. Like, that's really good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, well, yeah, we'll absolutely hook you up with that. But I'm a bit sad to see the liquid heavy toast go.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I do. Well, I can have that. I'll have that at home, you know, I mean, yeah, I guess for the dream restaurant menu. This is. It is sad. Yeah. But we'll always remember it in our hearts, you know, at home.

[James Acaster]

Maybe another guest will pick it. We've had guests pick things that they've heard other guests say that they've not had before.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, interesting.

[James Acaster]

So maybe there'll be a guest in the future who will listen to this.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, that might happen.

[James Acaster]

Liquid heavy toast could be coming back.

[Ed Gamble]

It's out there in the world now.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah.

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[James Acaster]

Your dream starter, your menu proper.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, I love vegetables. I really love vegetables. Like a really well done vegetable is like the best thing ever. I think so. I think for me, my like starter. And again, this is like kind of a lot of. A lot of my menu is in the fine dining sort of realm, it seems. But. But like leek, like a really nice leek, a really nice fennel and a really nice celeriac. Just like a three fur of those.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Like just done really well with like a little sauce and a jus, I reckon fennel I've had. How do they do it? Like a roasted fennel. That's good. And then the celeriac. Sometimes they do celeriac. Like it's a kebab kind of thing. Have you ever seen that?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And a lot of purees as well.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, A lot of.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah. That gets pureed to. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That poor guy. The C must be like, hell, yeah. How do we get here? I'm going, he's out again.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Every night. That. That is, to me, lovely.

[James Acaster]

You're like the kebab version.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Just really freshly done. Nice vegetables with the jus.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And I think that's how the leaks being done.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

The leeks. I never know with leeks, really. Just like, whatever's the tastiest, biggest, and the most lemony. I like it when a leak is lemony.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

How'd you feel about it being charred to.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

A leak. Chars very well.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Like that. I leaked that.

[James Acaster]

I like that. Did it even be the same? I'll leak it a lot.

[Ed Gamble]

There he is again. True.

[James Acaster]

But it is most playing Lloyd Christmas. No, Truman, listen, we said. You gotta say, I like it a lot.

[Ed Gamble]

I like it a lot.

[James Acaster]

I like it a lot. You're fired, Truman. You're so bad at this. You're the worst actor ever. You look exactly like him. But this is not. You can't keep saying I leak it a lot. These are three things that I think we haven't had shouted out on the podcast very often.

[Ed Gamble]

No, true.

[James Acaster]

Science is science.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

They don't get shouted out. People generally. I find myself often the odd one out in any situation where we're talking about eating because not many people love vegetables. It's not a comment. It's not common. I really like. I love. I love them.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

And I love them more than, like, when I have a vegan burger, for example, I always want there to be, like, more lettuce on it. I have a thing. Do you know. Do you guys know Subway Takes?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Love Subway Takes so much.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I have.

[James Acaster]

Oh, fucking hell. You have no idea how you just tapped into something that is currently my entire world. Left my phone in the other room. All I'm doing is watching Subway Takes all the Time. So funny.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you seen Nish's impression of the Subway Takes?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Nish just puts on. I think Nishi puts on shades and potentially Subway Takes.

[Ed Gamble]

He looks a bit like him.

[James Acaster]

He looks a bit like him, but it's funny. He puts on the shades and says I'm Subway Takes.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. That's all you have to do.

[Ed Gamble]

So your Subway take is.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

My Subway take would be. I think that all burgers. Everyone I've said this to disagrees with me. All burgers who come with a pile of shredded lettuce on the side, just, like, extra lettuce so that when you're eating a burger, if you want to top up, you can. And also because often the burger will, like, leak some sauce on the plate, you can just, like, mop it up with the lettuce and you can just

[Ed Gamble]

have a nice 100% disagree.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. That's what Subway tech can say to you.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I think. I think this is a good idea partly for people like me who really into lettuce. I love lettuce. I think it's really good. Yeah. Not plain is fine, but with a sauce, it's just the best, I think. Like lettuce on a taco and you get all the sauces.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

But, yeah, I always want more lettuce on a burger than there ever is. And then I feel like. I don't know what the, like, the rate of going through lettuces at restaurants, but because it is just like a. I don't know, I feel like you can get a lot of it out of a single head of lettuce if

[Ed Gamble]

you're shredding it thin as well.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Precisely. Surely they have so much left over and that does not stay fresh for, like, you know, more than 12, 24 hours or whatever. Surely, like, I can't imagine a good restaurant is using the same lettuce as yesterday's lettuce, you know, so you got to get rid of the lettuce. So, like, why not, instead of wasting it, just put a little extra on a little plate for everyone, you know?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Oh, I think most restaurants may as well shred that letter straight in the bin. It's. No one's getting it. They're using it as a garnish or something. They're doing so much chopping it up.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

When I worked in little, you know, there's pubs and stuff in the kitchens. I was chopping lettuce most of the day, and then I would just watch it 10 minutes later come back through the door, be put in the bin before it goes in the pot, but the plate goes in the pot wash. You know, what is the point of my job? So, definitely, I think if you are a fan of lettuce, you should be able to say at the start of the meal, just so you know, I love lettuce so much that I would request that instead of scraping.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Maybe that's the modification. Maybe that's my take. You should. It should be socially acceptable and free to ask for extra lettuce.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

At the beginning.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, for your dream meal.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

For every course, we can happily bring you an extra bowl. Of lettuce? Because we've got loads back here.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but loads.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I'm excited.

[Ed Gamble]

How do you feel about a grilled lettuce? Have you had that before?

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Grilled baby jam lettuce.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, you know what? I think I've. I think I've had that. I think it was okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But does that ruin something about the lettuce for you? Do you like this?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No. No.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you like the fresh sauce?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, I like it. I like it all. I like it done all. All the ways.

[Ed Gamble]

Nice.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Except for soggy. Soggy? Soggy's gross. Soggy's nasty.

[James Acaster]

What about with a burger when the bun is lettuce, when they do that?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, I think that's stupid.

[James Acaster]

Really?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I thought that'd be so interesting.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, you have to have bread. You've got to have the bun.

[James Acaster]

Oh, okay.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I'm a bun guy as well.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Okay.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

There's got to be bun, too.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Okay. I think I. Every time I see it on a menu, I'm like, I know this is for someone who's got some sort of dietary thing, but it is not for me.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It's not for me.

[James Acaster]

Oh, man. I thought it was gonna be syrup. Your street.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, no, no. Just in. In the. The burger's fine or on the side.

[James Acaster]

Fair enough.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You up.

[James Acaster]

Man up big time.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

You don't even know me.

[James Acaster]

The dream man.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Course I struggle with this, and I actually don't know if I can, like, pick the definitive one. Like, that's really hard for me, I think, because. Yeah, it just. It really just does depend on the day. Right. Like, for me. But I've. What I've gone with is something I make at home quite a lot, actually, which I think is just the most delicious thing, and I love having it. And my partner as well, who isn't vegan but will eat, just eats vegan with me at home. This is, like, his favorite thing, and he loves it. And it's a lentil Bolognese. Just. It's really good. There's this one recipe that I found on Pinterest that, like, he put, like, a cup of red wine, maybe two cups of red wine in there. Just, like, really nice. Is it brown lentils? Actually, can't even remember if it's just, like, your brown or if it's your red. I don't think it's red. It's almost certainly brown lentils.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I don't know. It's just really tasty. It's, like, really rich. It Makes up. I think it's honestly better than like a regular, like beef Bolognese or mince Bolognese or whatever words. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I do think a lot of people.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

And it's less like you can eat a lot of it and you don't feel little gross in your. In your tummy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Which is really nice, but okay. I can eat so much of it. It's so delicious and it's so cheap. Just make it at home. And it's the best.

[James Acaster]

Is it just. It can't just be brown lentils and red wine.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, there's a. There's a. There's other stuff in there. This is onion. There's tomato, actually. Is there even onion? I think there's onion.

[Ed Gamble]

I think there's gonna be onion. I think there's gonna be garlic. Onion.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Garlic.

[Ed Gamble]

There's got to be tomato.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Diced tomatoes or crushed tomatoes or whatever it is. And you know, you put like whatever you want. Parsley on there or basil or whatever you. Whatever you like.

[James Acaster]

Spaghetti.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Spaghetti, yeah. Or you can do a fettuccine as well if you want.

[James Acaster]

No one's gonna stop you.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, no one's gonna stop you. Although I always. I rarely cook with fettuccine because I find it always sticks together. And I don't know what the solve for that is. There's probably a solve. There's probably someone on YouTube, he's like, here's how to do your fettuccine with that.

[Ed Gamble]

A lot of people say olive oil in the water.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, interesting.

[James Acaster]

I was about to say, I bet Ed knows the sol.

[Ed Gamble]

I thought everyone knew olive oil in the water.

[James Acaster]

No, not everyone knows Ed. You think that everyone knows your little life hacks, but they don't. You got a.

[Ed Gamble]

It feels like a 90s thing. Olive oil in the water.

[James Acaster]

It's not a 90s.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a 90s mum thing. Olive oil.

[James Acaster]

Most of us are watching Friends.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

My mom was cooking pasta.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

But he gets born.

[Ed Gamble]

Someone's screaming at you as soon as soon as you were born.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Olive oil in the water. Yeah. My mom played that on tape recorder, like, while I was in the womb, just so I know.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Make sure it was internalized from. From the get go.

[James Acaster]

In case you had fettuccine. Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Obviously not good enough because I didn't remember.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's a shame. But.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But Ed's bum.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Made it very drilled in the water and then throw it against the wall, see if it's.

[James Acaster]

Would you do that?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I don't Know she wouldn't do that. I would do that because I think I read about that and I just wanted to throw stuff at the wall.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You're throwing it like against just a normal wall or like a on the scene clean wall. A wipe clean.

[Ed Gamble]

Not the whole. Sorry. Not the whole portion. Do you know what? We're aware. We're aware of taking one strand and throwing it at the wall and if it sticks, it's cooked.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, I'm not aware.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you not aware of that?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

That's another 90s thing. Sorry, you're not. You're not throwing. You're not throwing the whole portion of spaghetti against the wall in this and then scraping it back.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

That's when I thought you were doing it. I was scared. Honestly. I'm already. I've started the podcast. Scared of continuing to be scared.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And you thought it was the scary one and. No, you take one strand and throw it against the wall. I mean, I it anymore. But it was fun when I was a kid.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Right on the ceiling and just leave it there. See how long it stays.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

On the ceiling. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

For a lot.

[James Acaster]

Crazy kid.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, cheeky.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Stuck. Ever get stuck up there?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Can you reach it?

[Ed Gamble]

No. Just wait for it to.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

To sort of peel itself off throughout. Throughout the day. Hope it drops on my mum's head and I'm in the corner giggling.

[James Acaster]

One of my favorite things is just Ed as a little kid hanging out with his mum, I find very funny. I can't really, like, describe why, but every time Ed hanging out with his mum and just the idea of him waiting for the fettuccine to drop in his mum's head at some point is just funny. Yeah, I like that. That's your relationship.

[Ed Gamble]

I was a prankster.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, yeah?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I put itching powder in my mum's bedrooms.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, my God.

[Ed Gamble]

Got it free with the Beano.

[James Acaster]

I was gonna say, it's so Dennis the Menace. He's gotta be involved somehow.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I think she went out and there was a babysitter and I put itching powder in the bed. And then the next morning, my mum was like, I could barely sleep last night. I was so itchy.

[James Acaster]

I was like, yeah, itching powder will do that. Mum.

[Ed Gamble]

She was not happy.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Bet she did not think it was a laugh.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, my God.

[James Acaster]

I mean, I don't wanna, like, you know, be one of those people. You wouldn't get away with that. Now. You couldn't give away your itching powder in the Beano, surely What do you

[Ed Gamble]

mean itching powder's been cancelled?

[James Acaster]

Surely, surely, surely, surely comics aren't allowed to, like, just give away stuff that, like a bag of itching powder to kids now that they can use on people.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Did you get your bag from a comic?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, from the Beano.

[James Acaster]

From the front of the Beanino. Sorry. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

The Beano is like a, like a kids comic that's been around for like decades and all of these sorts. Is it a person legendary? No. So the Bean has the name of the publication and then there's like Dennis the Menace.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, you're saying comics. Like, like.

[James Acaster]

Okay, so not a comedian.

[Ed Gamble]

Like comedian.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, I'm not a comedian.

[James Acaster]

Was a comedian. Stand up comedian.

[Ed Gamble]

It was really weird, actually, when I was a kid. When I was a kid, this, this guy came around, he was like, I'm a comic called Beo. Have some itching powder, stick it in your mom's bed.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Thanks, Beo.

[James Acaster]

Thank you, Beo. Beo's so funny.

[Ed Gamble]

Any other kids live around here? I've got more itching powder than I know what to do with.

[James Acaster]

There's a comic book. Yeah. Dennis the Menace is like the main character.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I see.

[James Acaster]

He's like a kid.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. No, but they never really swear of

[James Acaster]

Dennis the Menace his age.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the Beanie.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

But that's what Dennis the Menace looks

[Montaigne (Jess)]

like in England, so he's from the Beano.

[James Acaster]

In other countries. Dennis the Menace is like a blonde little kid, but like. Yeah. Black spiky hair and a stripy red and black jumper. And a dog called Gnasher and knobbly knees. And a dog called Gnasher.

[Ed Gamble]

Guess he's been in the Beano. Maurice recently been.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Is still going.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Guess who, Guess who's been in it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Us. Really?

[Ed Gamble]

That's probably the highlight of my career.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Like as little characters.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Just in the sort of foreground of the first panel of a mini the Minx cartoon. We're in a. We're. We're in a restaurant.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

That's cool. Oh, that's awesome.

[James Acaster]

It's been given a cheese board and I'm angry about it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Damn.

[James Acaster]

We're very, very happy about that. Yeah, Very excited.

[Ed Gamble]

So fettuccine or spaghetti with your lentil Bolognese?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

How are we feeling about vegan cheese? Vegan parmesan.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

There's actually some good ones nowadays. They're hard to, like, find. You can't really get them a supermarket. But there's ones that are like. Well, they're not the same as the sort of like shaved parmesan. Like, you can't get the shave stuff, which that's the nice stuff. But, like, stuff that's just like a kind of graded one that they're doing a pretty good job with that nowadays.

[Ed Gamble]

So would you add that to your.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, I would. I would. I would add that. That. Yeah, definitely.

[James Acaster]

And for your dream meal, do you want to make it? This is made by you?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, someone else has to make it, but someone has to use this recipe.

[James Acaster]

Who would you like? Anyone in the world can make it?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I don't know. Beo, my partner, but he has to get better at cooking.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, this is the dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

This is.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

The thing is my dream is that my partner cooks for me more.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, it's not. It's not probably a problem if I say, hey, can you cook? He cooks. Yeah, but, like, he's not. He's not. He. He, like. Like when he. When we were not together and he was living alone, he would just, like, he would just do packet soup or noodles or whatever. He does not cook even himself. Yeah, he's not one of those people. He doesn't enjoy it. Doesn't look forward to it. So I do most of the cooking. I do enjoy it. Sometimes I'm like, I can't be bothered. And we just order takeaway. We actually. We order a lot of takeaway.

[James Acaster]

What. What's your go to takeaway is that place in Melbourne.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I'm pretty fresh to Melbourne, so it's like I'm. We're still developing the. The repertoire, but if I lived closer to it, I would probably order from, I don't know, like, veggie bar a bit more. It's like this place in Fitzroy in Melbourne that's like vegan, vegetarian, mostly vegan. They have just like a range of different stuff. Like they've got a burrito and they've got pizzas and they got like some Asian dishes like a pad Thai or like, let's just do a range. But it's all vegan. It's pretty good as big portions.

[Ed Gamble]

Nice.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's back when I. So long since I've been to Melbourne, but when I was there, really the main option for vegans that everyone was talking about was Lord of the Fries, and that was it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Right. It's not as big anymore. No, it's sort of. It's still around, but like, that name

[Ed Gamble]

grosses me out, though.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Lord of the Fries.

[James Acaster]

That's crazy. Crazy thing to name yourself after.

[Ed Gamble]

To pun on flies.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Children who kill Each other.

[Ed Gamble]

Sure. But it's mainly the flies thing that puts me off.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean that book is like. That's just like light reading in Australia.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's not everyday life. That's every school excursion.

[James Acaster]

Good on them, good on the kids.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

Isn't that your Australian accent?

[James Acaster]

No, it wasn't. But like we've been doing on those kids. Well done for killing each other on the island. Good on you.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

We've been testing a lot of Australian accents on the tour bus because we've got. We've got some Scots, we've got a couple of Icelandic fellas got range. I'm the only Australian. And the. That they're really bad.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I think the only person who's good at it is. This is one Scott. And occasionally he'll say something like, oh, it's quite good. But not full sentences, just one word. They're really struggling.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It's funny. I like it.

[James Acaster]

Everyone thinks they can do a good Australian.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, I think so too.

[James Acaster]

Until you speak to an Australian.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

To their face.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then you like. Oh, it's just not.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No, it's. It's. I think it's quite hard, actually. I think it's just very. It's not. It's not very intuitive of. You know, I almost felt like. Like a classic Californian accent. It's like. I think it's quite easy because. Well, maybe I'll do it. I'll be. But like. Because you just like, you like roll, roll your roll your Rs. Like, you. You just like stay in this kind of like rounded place and stuff and

[James Acaster]

like, that is quite good.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

But. But because Australia, it's like. I'm trying to think of any word that like, is hard to say. Like. I guess it's just anything that's like, ah, like hard or like. Although you guys have the, ah, a little bit, ah. Oh, you're, ah. Are you, ah.

[Ed Gamble]

That was my Australian.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, that was yours.

[James Acaster]

Had.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. So sort of. Sort of, maybe. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You can. You can be honest with Ed. That. That was.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, it wasn't good.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I think that was a good. Thank you.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Your dream side dish.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, side dish is hard, I think, because I think it would just be like more vegetables. Really. Yeah, it would just be like. I recently had this place in Melbourne called Smith and Daughters, which is amazing.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got the cookbook, actually.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It's really.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Really good cookbook. Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

No surprises. I was surprised by him. All these episodes end, a guest mentions it's a good cookbook, where they're from. And he just. He's got the cookbook.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, There you go. Well, they're. They're like serious business. Like, the vegan food they do, it is, like, kind of fine dining y. They also have a deli that's like, just sandwiches or again, all vegans. So delicious. It's so good. But they have this, like, fine dining y restaurant, and I recently went there and had, like, roasted carrots, like, blackened carrots. Things just had the most delicious sauce on it. I wish I could remember what any of the other ingredients were on it. I think maybe hazelnuts might have been in the mix or something like that. But it tasted so good, like, I couldn't believe it. And I was so upset, I had to share them with the other two people at the table. I was like, I want to eat all of this. I was like, that guy, I think you should leave. And he's like, I'm gonna eat the whole thing. I wanted to be that guy when

[James Acaster]

he houses his bird.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

So you're gonna kill you to kill the president.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was gonna.

[James Acaster]

I want to watch that.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I almost turned into that. Yeah. In that moment, I was like, these carrots are so.

[James Acaster]

Give me that.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Delicious. Yeah, yeah. Precisely that. Yeah. But no, I thought, I'll be. I'll be civil. I'll be civil. I don't want to alienate these people that I've been releasing my album with.

[James Acaster]

Sure.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I don't know if they know me that well. They don't mean you could order enough more, though, you know, that is so true. I really could have of. And I didn't. And I don't know why that's the

[Ed Gamble]

move to be like, yeah, more carrots.

[James Acaster]

This is classic Ed Gamble life hack. Because. Yeah, definitely ordering more. Yes. Yeah. Because so few people would do that. But in the early days, I think Ed did not like it if it had to share.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And the thing was, especially if I like something. Yeah, yeah. We'll be keeping tabs. And he said, how many carrots everyone's had? But now it's just like. Just orders more.

[Ed Gamble]

But you do that as well. I see that as an a customer move.

[James Acaster]

Oh, interesting to be like, we should

[Ed Gamble]

get more of this. Or for the table.

[James Acaster]

For the table.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

That's really nice. I. Yeah. This is a rooker to me. I don't know why I'm like, that happened. It's done now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Forever?

[Ed Gamble]

Forever. I can never go back. Never go back. Always forward. Like a fish.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Exactly. Well, no, I think the other consideration for me is actually I have quite a tiny stomach. Is the other thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Is like, I really have to meet out my.

[James Acaster]

I have to.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

To pick and choose how much of any given thing I'm gonna have. Because I'm like, well, the next course is coming, and I don't know how big that's going to be. And, like, if I like that, I'm gonna. You know, that's. That. That is the thing that I juggle sometimes. But I do think, like, vegetables.

[James Acaster]

Very.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

They don't take up much space. So I definitely could have ordered more of the carrots.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Most of them. All right. Some vegetables are gonna be a marrow, for example.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Marrow.

[James Acaster]

That's gonna take up a lot of whole.

[Ed Gamble]

Marrow.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. If you eat a marrow.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Right. I don't know if we get those in Australia.

[James Acaster]

You have a marrow in Australia.

[Ed Gamble]

It feels very British, though, the marrow.

[James Acaster]

Marrow, yes.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

What, is there another word for it?

[Ed Gamble]

Look it up. Benito.

[James Acaster]

Oh, there you go. That's a marrow. What we're showing you right now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

For the listener. Benito is showing Jess a picture of a marrow.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

We don't get this. We just get the, like, zucchini. We just get the zucchini. Yeah. They're like more. It says there that the zucchini slash the courgette is like an immature version of the marrow.

[Ed Gamble]

So immature.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Put itching powder in his mum's bed.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yes. Got for a peanut.

[Ed Gamble]

Now I'm a marrow. Of course, I would never do that.

[James Acaster]

I was a little zucchini. You were doing that quite frequently.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I've just got marrows in my head. Cause my partner and I stayed in a hotel and there was only one channel on the tv. We basically, we booked in a nice hotel we're looking forward to. And we got there and the receptionist said, welcome to the hotel. It's flooded. And we're like, okay. We couldn't get hold of you, so we just booked you into another hotel down the street.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, wow.

[James Acaster]

Oh, okay. And they went. It's just fair warning. It's not like this hotel. Okay. Went down the street. Yeah. This isn't very nice. We were looking forward to that. Nice hotel. This isn't a nice one. I'm guessing there's gonna be a few emails after this. They're trying to sort out.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Out.

[Ed Gamble]

Did they give you your money back?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

They booked for you. Instead of just being like, hey, well, when you get here. We'll let you know that. Like, you have options.

[James Acaster]

Whoa. Yeah, because we got there quite late.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It was like 10 in the evening

[Montaigne (Jess)]

when we got there.

[James Acaster]

And they were like. We. We couldn't, you know, contact you. We were thinking, sure. When we booked this.

[Ed Gamble]

Put the contact details into all the books.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I'm sure you could have. But whatever got in this other place. D and then send us up to our room. TV's got one channel. Never seen that before. Like, everything else just was coming up.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

What was the channel?

[Ed Gamble]

Was this in Valencia, by the way?

[James Acaster]

No, this is in Glasgow, on the way to somewhere else. We had one night there on the. We were going to the Isle of Mull, which is a little island off of Scotland.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So we had to break up the trip, go to Glasgow, go to this other place, go to the room. One channel. It's Dave, which you won't know. Dave. It's called you and Dave now, which is. But like, basically repeats of stuff, mainly that you're in. Yeah. So we turned up. Turn it on, me and Ed, actually. I turned it on. It's a mock the week compilation from years ago. From, like, 2014, 2015. So, like 10 years ago. So turn it on. And it's a compilation as well. So it's like loads of different clips of all us and our friends when we were just starting to be on tv. So it was shit, right? Absolutely.

[Ed Gamble]

I would have liked it.

[James Acaster]

We're so unfunny and our hair looks nuts. That was the main thing I took from it. I was like, whoa. Yeah, we were. Will did not know what to do with our hair.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, no, at that point, you don't. You don't. When you. I mean, how old are you?

[James Acaster]

40.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. I mean, when you're that age, like, you don't. You don't.

[Ed Gamble]

My hair's the same as it was then.

[James Acaster]

No, it's not, is it? Go and watch it. Oh, you think it's the same.

[Ed Gamble]

The fade. The proper fade and.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. But also it's just like. It's like. It's like an AI version of us now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because it's like someone's putting. And so I can't quite do our hair right. So it's like. That's kind of Ed's hair, but not really. It's not right.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It doesn't work.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So it's really weird watching it and seeing all of our hair apart from Hugh, who looks the same as the old man who's on it. But like. But yeah. I turned it on and it was us. And there's a picture of the week. They always do. It's really weird, having explained what's a week to someone who's not seen it. It's a really weird show, actually.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And they go, it's a picture from the news this week and what's happening in this picture? And they put it up and it was Jeremy Corbyn, who at the time was leader of the Opposition of the Labour Party, and he's holding a massive marrow. And that was the picture we had to be funny about. So I've got marrows in my head now and that's why I bought up a marrow. That's a long way of saying yes. That's why I said marrow earlier.

[Ed Gamble]

The marrow feels like a very British vegetable because I imagine they have, like, marrow growing competitions in small villages and stuff. Village fates.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Which old lady can grow the biggest marrow?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

There's a lot of them that.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a wonderful. It's a wonderful country.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. We're very proud of it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I feel that I'm getting that sense.

[James Acaster]

But these carrots sound nicer.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, they were pretty. They're pretty good, honestly.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. What else?

[James Acaster]

Here we go. This is what else on the.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, yes. Black carrot herb yogurt. Aleppo pine nut butter, not hazelnuts. Crispy shots. I think that was. That was it.

[James Acaster]

That is great.

[Ed Gamble]

That sounds delicious.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

A vegan yogurt. It. A vegan pine nut butter is wonderful. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That sounds great.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got to get back into that cookbook.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Imagine if they're in there.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

They're probably very new menu, but there'll probably be something else to do with carrots.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, There might be a carrot in there. Find another way of doing a carrot.

[James Acaster]

Throw the carrots at the wall, see if they stick.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Now we come to the moment I've been most excited about. Dream drink, dirty drink, dirty drink. Shout out. Dare to drink if you listen.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Did you drink? My dream drink's, like, pretty basic. I think it's just a Bloody Mary. I love Bloody Mary. I love tomato. Honestly, like, close second tomato juice.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I love tomato anything.

[Ed Gamble]

I think Bloody Mary and this lentil Bolognese. I hope you're tucking a napkin in.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And don't wear white.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

You look like one of those statues that got pushed in the drink.

[Ed Gamble]

You'd be happy to be pushed in the drink, quite frankly.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Have a bloody wash. No, exactly. No, I yeah. Honestly, Countless times I've gotten some of that little Bolognese on the couch. The couch is just. It's not in a good way. And it's not a good way because I do get the stain remover out. I put it on and I don't. We got a new couch because it's like a sofa bed couch. So we can have people stay on it. And for some reason, this couch, like, you put the stain remover on and then the stain remover patch leaves it a. A mark.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Like it gets out the. That it was meant to get out, but then, like the wet mark is there still.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the trade off.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

What the fuck?

[Ed Gamble]

It lets people know that because there's. It looks clean, but yeah, that was a stain.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It's fucked up.

[James Acaster]

Guess what it is. Guess what you're sleeping on.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Yeah. Literally.

[Ed Gamble]

I saw a tweet the other day that's really stuck in my head. Not. I mean, I'm not on Twitter anymore, but just people postings on Instagram.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Screenshots.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. And it was. It seemed to have done really well. It got like thousands of retweets. It was a very old headshot of Tom Hardy.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

When he was really young. And someone had said, I bet. I bet when he was a kid he went crazy on that spaghetti. And someone went, what do you mean? He went. He just looks like a messy spaghetti kid. If you look at the picture. He really does look like. Cause he's so clean and clean cut and wearing a white T shirt. He really looks like he's a messy spaghetti kid.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Tempting, tempting, tempting face.

[James Acaster]

Eat loads of spaghetti.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So it's really in my head and I don't know why.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Bloody Mary is an excellent choice.

[Ed Gamble]

Spicy. You haven't spicy.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I do. I love spice and it kills me every time. So funny. Like, it's like I eat a lot of banh Mi as well. Honestly. Banh Mi. Close second on.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

As well. On the dream menu. Eat a lot of it. I get chili every single time because I just don't think it's the same without the chili. But every single time I'm like, snot down here. Tears, like everything. And my partner's like, why do you do it to yourself? I'm like, I have to. To.

[James Acaster]

I.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a high.

[James Acaster]

Completely relate.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It is.

[James Acaster]

When you have it without it is like, this is boring.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. It's like, what? What's the point?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

What's the point?

[James Acaster]

Do you need that?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. And especially, like. Especially if they didn't put enough vegetables in, of course. You got to have enough cucumber, enough herbs, enough of the. What is it? Is it daikon? The pickled daikon or something? They put that in the carrot. Love all that stuff. That, to me, is the best part of the bun me is the. The vegetables, of course. Yeah, yeah. And then, like, you, obviously, you need. Well, honestly, I've had a lot of salad banh mis, and they're good on their own, I think, even without a protein, I'm happy with that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Plenty of chili.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, you've got to have chili. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

And where's the best place you've had a Bloody Mary? On one. On one tour that I went on a particularly long tour. It was part of it, to just keep it interesting, was, can we find the best Bloody Mary?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And where to get it, which is eventually in a hotel in Birmingham that I've forgotten the name of. So that was a waste of time. But, like, it was. It was really nice. But, like. Like, where have you found the best one and what is the criteria for you of a good Bloody Mary?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I actually did have a really good one recently, but I also can't remember where it was. Oh, man. I think for me, yeah, a lot of tomato juice. Like, heavy on the tomato juice. I think, because vegan ones are different as well. It's like. You don't have. It's like Worcestershire sauce or something. Like, I don't know what they put in instead. Generally, I'm not sure. Sure. I think maybe they just skip that and put maybe like some olive brine and some other stuff. Nice stuff like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You don't go heavy on the accoutrement.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I like a celery. I like a big stick of celery.

[Ed Gamble]

People around with Bloody Marys too much, though.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, I think sometimes they do, I think, because it's already so powerfully flavored. That's why I like the celery, because it's a nice clean palate cleanser type thing.

[Ed Gamble]

It works. It's a classic.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Exactly. But anything else, like a little.

[Ed Gamble]

People put bacon in it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Bacon.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, this. This obviously doesn't cross your path anyway because you're vegan. But people put bacon in it. Little burgers. Have you seen that before?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, this is just becoming a meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

In the.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Just have a pasta. Just have like a spicy, briny pasta. They have a pudanesca at that point, you know. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's like. It's like the savory version of Freak shakes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, of course.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Freak shakes. What's that?

[Ed Gamble]

They do, like, milkshake, but then they'll put, like whole cakes on the top and, like brownies and shit. And they'll, well put so much sauce but on the outside of the glass, so you can't even pick it up.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It's just mainly a gimmicky thing, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

It's an Instagram thing.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Although as soon as you said about putting pasta in the Bloody Mary, I'd love that.

[Ed Gamble]

So that is a good idea.

[James Acaster]

The burger and stuff sounds disgusting, but if someone was like, do you want a full load of pasta in this? I'd be like, well, that's just like

[Montaigne (Jess)]

cut pasta, isn't it? Like, you could just do that at any time. Yeah, you could just put pasta in a glass and just have a sauce in there, and that's what that is.

[Ed Gamble]

But that'd be.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It would be fun.

[Ed Gamble]

Spaghetti in the bottom of a Bloody Mary and then you suck it up with one of those boba straws.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, my God. I would choke instantly.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, come on. You know.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

You know, choke on the boba. And this. This fucking spaghetti just gonna shoot straight up and it's gonna go so far down, and I just. It's like fishing it out. It's gonna be crazy.

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[James Acaster]

We arrive at your dream dessert.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah,

[Ed Gamble]

what did you. Dessert.

[James Acaster]

Do you have much of a sweet tooth?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I have a pretty sweet tooth, but, like, I. I can't hoof it. Like, I used to. Like, when I was in my 20s, I loved. I would. I would eat so many sweets. Like, I loved it. And now, I don't know, the older I get, the less I can have, like three bites of a thing. I'm like, okay, that's good.

[James Acaster]

Good, right?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Like, I enjoyed that and that's enough, you know? And anymore I start to feel sick nowadays, but. But there have been some things I've eaten where I'm like, I could, I could eat the whole thing. And one of those was again, Smith and Daughters tiramisu that they did, vegan tiramisu. That was the most, one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten my whole life. It was so.

[James Acaster]

Wow. Was it very creamy? Did they get a really like thick cream?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah. And they actually do this like you can just buy it from the fridge and you take it home. And I did that as well and it was as good from the fridge.

[James Acaster]

Oh, great.

[Ed Gamble]

It's crazy to me what you can do with vegan food.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Ed Gamble]

Especially in the area of like desserts and, and sort of impressions of dairy. Yeah, it's incredible.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It is incredible. It's nuts. It was very not available even probably like five years ago. Like, it's crazy.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I feel very glad. Especially I do like the thing I really like, covet when I like walk past a bakery. Like a lot of the very nice like tarts and just like the very fine looking, well made ones that look quite tough to make and like you don't get a lot of that with vegan. When you do, it's like, I don't know, just like so stodgy and like, you know, I hate, I hate it and like. But I feel like, like we're inching towards possibly a future where I could have something like that.

[James Acaster]

Oh yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Like a little dome, little chocolate dome with a little crust on the bottom.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh yeah. Like a mousse sort of.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Cake.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, that would be nice. Yeah. I watch Beckoff a lot, like Australian and my friend. Do you know Tom Walker?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, he's hosting Beckoff now. It's so fun.

[James Acaster]

Is he?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. In Australia?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you not know that?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, it's really.

[James Acaster]

How does that work for the listener? Tom Walker is a alternative comedy clown.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. Yeah, he's a real freak. Freak, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Crazy guy.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. I've seen him make himself vomit on stage before by shoving his hand so far down his throat that that just happened. And so that's his typical shtick.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And then he's hosting Bake off with Rachel Koo.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Do you know Natalie Tran? Yeah, yeah, Community channel. Do you ever heard of YouTube, like community channels?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I've not.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, they're co hosting. It's really fun. Yeah, they've dressed him real preppy. He's got like these nice cardigans on.

[James Acaster]

That's insane.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It's very.

[James Acaster]

It makes no sense whatsoever.

[Ed Gamble]

It does because Noel Fielding is on Our Bake off, which is basically the same situation.

[James Acaster]

Yes, I guess so, actually. Yeah. When you say that.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I once went to Sydney and it was when Tom Walker, Sam Campbell and Aaron Chen were hanging out constantly. Like, you'd see the three of them. They were never set separate.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It was always the three of them. And now they live in three different countries, I believe.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But it was all three of them.

[Ed Gamble]

Difficult conversation to penetrate as well.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Hey, guys. How's it going? Okay, you're not normal.

[James Acaster]

Bye. Yeah, yeah. All three wacky guys.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

And Sam, Cap. Because I was. Oh, no. I was there for a couple of weeks and Sam had got. Said to me, you like music, right? And I was like, yeah. He went, can you make me a mix CD before. Before you go home? I was like, I don't think I have. I mean, I could make you a playlist and you can figure out how to get onto a cd. Does it need to be a cd, Sam? Yeah, it does. Did it gets a CD by then. Thank you. A few days later, sends me a video of him, Aaron and Tom laying on the floor listening to the CD in full.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

That's sweet.

[James Acaster]

And every now and again, Aaron would say something like, sam, does James like music? And he'd go, yeah. And then they'd all carry on listening to it really earnestly. It was nice. It was weird.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So you were saying, oh, what was it before? Yeah. You watch a lot of Bake Off.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, yeah, I watch a lot of Bake off and I'm always like, God, I wish I could eat that. Like, always. I'm just like, it looks really good.

[Ed Gamble]

They do vegan week now and again, don't they?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

They do. And they did on the Australian one, have a vegan baker. And they were quite good. I'm. I don't. I don't bake at all. Like, I'm never touched it. I've. I don't know. I've baked cookies a couple of times and every time I'm like, God, this is a lot of effort, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

And it's also very messy. It's like cleaning afterwards and then.

[Ed Gamble]

And there's people who can do it and you just buy one thing from them. Yeah, bakers.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. No, literally.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And how are you meant to resist eating the mixture?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, if you're making it. Exactly.

[James Acaster]

That's unreasonable.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Especially for Chuck Chip cookie dough. Like, that's delicious.

[James Acaster]

No way that all of that's making that way onto the tray. And also I'm pretty sure it tastes even better as the mixture.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Just raw.

[Ed Gamble]

Definitely. Yeah, it definitely does.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

So like.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, that is honestly. Well, yeah. Tiramisu. I like it a lot. Would I have a really good one? But choc chip cookies are like. That was the thing that when I went vegan, I was like, oh, man. Because like I would do when I was like. I went vegan when I was like 18 and when I was like 16, I would. When I went to the movies, I'd go to Kmart, which is. Do you guys have Kmart?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I know, we're aware.

[Ed Gamble]

We're aware of.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, but it's not. It's, you know.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Much bigger thing in Australia. But we went to Kmart, where Rain

[James Acaster]

man gets his trousers from.

[Ed Gamble]

Ironically said that's exactly how Rain man would bring it up as well.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

But you could at the time get like a box of choc chip cookies. Really good ones. I think the brand was called like decadent or something like that. For $5, big box. I just take that into the cinema.

[James Acaster]

Just.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

How's the whole thing? Just eat the whole thing. That was the best.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Those days.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Definitely couldn't eat like 24 cookies in one sitting anymore. But I don't know.

[Ed Gamble]

It's easier in the cinema maybe.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

How was that easy in the cinema?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Cuz it's dark.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Get it down. It's like. It's not you doing it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. It's not you doing it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm in the film and I'm taking these cookies and I'm posting them into this hole.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Not connected to me in any way. It's in the dark.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. You don't know what's going on.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Then the lights come up and then. Then it's bad.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Then you look at the company. That was me all along.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

My favorite part of the Drake and Kendrick beef. Were you following that?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

A little. A little. Not closely, but I was hearing. I was. There was hearsay.

[James Acaster]

It was brilliant.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Sometimes they let themselves down, but it was. Made me brilliant. And the best thing about what Kendrick was doing was bringing up stories that not a lot of people knew about about Drake. And the best one was that once when Drake was in the cinema in the dark, a member of TI's crew was in there and pissed on his leg. And Drake didn't do anything about it. And he just put that in a song that he just got his leg pissed on in a. In a cinema. Just like during the Film.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Whoa.

[James Acaster]

A guy just went over to him and peed on his leg.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the thing. When it's in the cinema, though, this is my point. It doesn't feel like you're completely. You're dissociated from your own being, I think because you're in the film. So if someone takes a pee on my leg, I wouldn't notice.

[James Acaster]

You're not dealing with that until the lights are up.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. You don't have a body, as far as you're concerned. In the cinema. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Grubs and piss again.

[Ed Gamble]

Which one have you done it this time?

[James Acaster]

Member of the TI Ti. I'm looking at you and your crew. Give this a piss on my leg again. All the way down. I know it was one of you, you, TI and your crew.

[Ed Gamble]

Why do I keep coming to the same screenings as you?

[James Acaster]

Cookies are so decadent.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

They were. And they were.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's. If anyone ever got in a beef with you, they could say that. Say you used to go to the cinema and eat a whole thing of decadent cookies.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And really, like, shame you publicly.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. No, I'd own it. I'd be like. And I'd do it again if I could.

[James Acaster]

Who would you like to get in a beef with?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

And a beef with.

[James Acaster]

And that's a vegan. I know that's.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

In a tofu with.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Once someone made that joke at me, they were like, oh, no, it was my tour manager at the time. He was like, oh, it's not me. Great. It's tofu and great. I was like, that's funny. Yeah. What I like to get in a beef with. There's many things to consider.

[James Acaster]

You gotta write songs about him. You have enough.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. That's the thing.

[James Acaster]

Stuff on them. Enough dirt that you can write, like, decent tracks with where you can bury them.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. And it's going to be someone also that, like, can't. Like, I could. I would say, like, Elon Musk, but then also, I feel like he could actually change my life for the worse if I did pick, pick, pick on him. You know what I mean?

[Ed Gamble]

Like, you almost want someone who you'd be friendly with afterwards, after the beef's done.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, no, exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

And then you can sort of raise each other's profiles by.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, precisely. Exactly. That can't be someone to. Yeah, It's. I don't know, like. Like a feist.

[James Acaster]

Oh, perfect. Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Like, feist.

[James Acaster]

Feist is durable, if only just because

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I want her to acknowledge me and recognize me and Know who I am. And then we could be friends afterwards.

[James Acaster]

Funny if the beef turned into that. Your songs were just really about how you want to be.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's a funny beef. Yeah, it's a funny beef to be like, you suck. Hello, I'm here.

[James Acaster]

Really like you.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, exactly. Sure fire way to get someone's attention is to start a beef with them and see what happens. Happens. So maybe. Maybe they won't mind too much that you was ragging on them and then you become friends.

[James Acaster]

Maybe that was what Kendrick was doing afterwards, contacted him. So where are we friends now? You. You could be a pedophile. You couldn't keep kidding me. I can't be your friend after that. But it was like a beef and I was wanting you to notice me. Well, yeah. Oh, mission accomplished. I noticed you. My whole life is in tatters now. You. Like I just said, you were short in a couple of the raps. You come back at me with that.

[Ed Gamble]

My legs are covered in pissing off

[Montaigne (Jess)]

in the cinema now.

[James Acaster]

That first story didn't even happen.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Let me just make you back to you now, see how you feel about it. You would like sparkling water. You would like focaccia with olive oil and balsamic and sea salt.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Starter leeks, fennel, celeriac with a jus. All cooked perfectly.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Main course, lentil Bolognese cooked by your partner. Side dish.

[Ed Gamble]

But he can. He can cook it.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Well, he can't in this scenario.

[Ed Gamble]

Not in real life.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Maybe one day.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, maybe one day I'll get him there.

[James Acaster]

Blackened carrots from Smith and Daughters is your side drink. Bloody Mary and dessert, tiramisu, also from Smith and Daughters. They've done very, very well out there. Yeah, that does sound good. How do you feel hearing it back?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I feel good. They. I like all those foods very much.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah. That's why I picked them.

[Ed Gamble]

I also think it builds nicely as a menu because you're saying you have a small stomach and can't manage that much food. I think you've got such a nice light starter.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Then a more. A heavier pasta dish.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And then it's the big sort of rich blowout at the end because.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, I am. I am a person who's like, there's always room for dessert.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Like, even if I am really full, I'm like, no, I can force it. I will. And so, yeah, like, the Bolognese will be a bit heavy, but, like, I will eat the termis.

[Ed Gamble]

Sounds so good.

[James Acaster]

Well, I love that. Thank you. So much for coming on the podcast.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

It's been fun.

[James Acaster]

Any of a business business.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

I'm on tour and then, God, what else have I got going on? Oh, yeah, I got my album. My album's out. You could go listen to it. I'm an independent artist so I'm relying on like band camp and Patreon and stuff now. Like, you know, you can stream the songs, but what does that do? No one makes any money from streaming.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely no money.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

No. Zero. I don't think I've ever made. Made any money from stream like in the. Well, I've left my label now, so I've not made any money from my time with my label, despite having really big songs.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, it's crazy. Anyway, yeah, that's my stuff. And then I know Twitch Stream play video games once a week.

[James Acaster]

I do.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fun.

[James Acaster]

What's your favorite game to play on the Twitch stream?

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Well, honestly, I usually like do music production. Like I make songs on Twitch.

[Ed Gamble]

That's cool.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, it's fun. But like I'll change up games because I don't. It's hard to like just stay on one game on Twitch because, like I love playing games and if I'm like starting a game that's quite long, I'm like, well, I don't want to just play it when I'm logged on to Twitch, you know, like I won't play it all the time, so I'll never do anything that's like crazy or anything. Yeah. I don't know.

[Ed Gamble]

Just like I did it with Charlie for a bit in lockdown.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Charlie did Twitch streaming and nice. We played. We played Hitman on stream.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Cool.

[Ed Gamble]

I was really bad at it, so that was what it became about. Yeah, nice running around.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Up, up the hit.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I don't know. That would be fun viewing. I've seen Ed not be good at stuff. It doesn't take it gracefully.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't like it.

[James Acaster]

Not sure that would be a fun Twitch stream.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not a nice feeling for me when I'm not.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah, got you. I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But luckily I'm brilliant at podcasts and what an episode this has been.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you very much, Jess.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Oh, my pleasure.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you so much to Jess, AKA Montane for coming on the show.

[James Acaster]

James, a lovely menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Nice to get some shout outs for especially those vegetables in the starter that we don't often get shouted out on Pod.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I didn't bring it up at the time because it didn't feel right.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

One of the vegetables, James, was fennel.

[James Acaster]

Yep.

[Ed Gamble]

You hate fennel.

[James Acaster]

I do.

[Ed Gamble]

And any other guests that said that, you would have gone mental about fennel being on there. But you respect Jess's music too much.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, And I left it. It's too early.

[Ed Gamble]

James tries to play it really cool when musicians come in.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I do.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Dude, they got. I think I'm cool, man.

[Ed Gamble]

I had nothing to add to the conversation outside before the podcast. Yeah, they were talking about beats and stuff.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, we're talking about beats, not Beatrix. Benito. Benito doesn't know what we're talking about. He heard beats.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Beetroots by Dre.

[James Acaster]

Might as well be speaking of Dwight Schrute over here. Not talking about beats, mate.

[Ed Gamble]

Benito is our Dwight Schrute.

[James Acaster]

He's very much our Dwight Schrute. But instead of, like, talking about martial arts, he's talking about roller coasters.

[Ed Gamble]

It's good. You could sort of copy and paste roller coasters into all of the dialogue about beetroots.

[James Acaster]

Instead of talking about beet farming, he's talking about magicians.

[Ed Gamble]

I've just realized that's why we take a photo after the episode, because it's like a roller coaster.

[James Acaster]

That's why he likes it. Yeah. We should put our arms in the air.

[Ed Gamble]

He keeps telling me, put your. Yeah, put your arms in the air.

[James Acaster]

He keeps saying, please put your arms in the air.

[Montaigne (Jess)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

The guest sores. I'm not doing that. Who's this guy? Montaigne? Jess did not pick the secret ingredient, which was fish, which obviously wasn't going to happen because very early on we learned that. That they were vegan. So they're vegs. Why was that gonna happen? Yeah, but, you know, it's good to. We've got a lot of secret ingredients over the years. We'll have to choose loads more. It's good to just be able to use fish.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because, like, the broad ones, it'd be good to start using them. They're dangerous, and I don't want to chuck a musician out because I want to be cool around them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Talk about beats and talk about beats, and they won't let me do that if I just kicked them out the restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you very much to Montane for coming on the pod. Go and have a listen to. It's hard to be a fish.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And don't forget, Montaigne is touring Australia in August for the 10th anniversary of their Glorious Heights album.

[James Acaster]

2016 came out in 2016.

[Ed Gamble]

For dates and tickets, go to montanemusic.com.

[James Acaster]

Check out their tour dates. Make sure you can see them live if you can.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

[James Acaster]

Goodbye.

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