Nish Kumar (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

Summary

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster

Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall (with Nish Kumar)

Guest: Nish Kumar
Release date: July 27, 2026
Location: Royal Albert Hall (Live)

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Episode Overview

This special bonus episode marks the final night of Off Menu's celebrated residency at the Royal Albert Hall. Ed Gamble and James Acaster are joined by their longtime friend and comedian Nish Kumar for a riotously loose, high-energy live show. Instead of selecting his own dream meal, Nish must sample the "tasting menu" – revisiting a classic Off Menu menu from another guest: this time, Greg Davies. What unfolds is an off-the-rails blend of food chat, chaotic storytelling, inside jokes, and trademark irreverence, all amplified by the feel of a “last day of school.” As the trio reminisce and roast, the show becomes a joyful celebration of Off Menu lore, friendship, and absurdity.

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Key Segments and Insights

1. Royal Albert Hall Run Finale Vibe

• [04:06] Ed and James set the "last night" tone: it’s celebratory and a bit anarchic, with call-backs to earlier shows and escalating chaos.
  • James Acaster: "It’s last day of school vibes, isn’t it, when Nish comes in." (04:40)
• Audience acknowledged for enduring the entire run; banter about stage props, crew, and the technical challenges of a big venue.

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2. Nish’s Entrance, Homemade T-Shirt & ‘Off Brand’ Merch

• [07:44] Nish enters in comedic style, describing a deliberately bootleg Off Menu T-shirt ("Egg Hamble and Ham's alabaster with Nosh at the Prince Andrew Hall") lampooning classic concert knock-off merch.
  • Nish Kumar: "I wanted to make it like off-brand merch...so you can't be sued. It's all slightly changed." (07:46)

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3. “Shout Out to Women!” Running Gag and Onstage Antics

• [09:02] A recurring, purposefully cringe "shout out to women" motif starts, lampooning awkward male allyship and the forced tropes of live podcast intros.
  • Nish Kumar: "Shout out, baby, innit? Shout out to women. How about that?" (09:02)
  • James Acaster: "The creepiest thing you’ve ever done." (09:12)

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4. Audience Roasting and Off Menu In-Jokes

• [11:08] The trio roast the audience as “absolute virgins” in the most affectionate way. Nish jokes that only one guest has a photo of his own kids on his phone: “the only one who’s had sex.”
  • Heavy banter about hand-raising, “getting the genie out,” and lamp-rubbing rituals to open the Dream Restaurant.

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5. Revisiting Off Menu & Personal History

• [15:43] Ed, James, and Nish reminisce about going out to eat as a group, dishing out stories about how Ed always ends up ordering for everyone:

  • Nish Kumar: "We really feel like Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas…Because we come in and immediately five people are like: ‘Thank you for coming, Poppadoms or water?’” (13:27)

• [17:01] Callback to previous live show at the Royal Festival Hall and Nish's infamous 'pie shop fart' story, leading to Tina Fey being in the audience:

  • James Acaster: "It was carnage...Nish's farts for most of the evening...Then someone went, guess who was there tonight? Tina Fey." (17:17)

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6. Whose Menu Is It Anyway?

• [19:02] The big reveal: Nish must sample Greg Davies’s original Off Menu menu. His apprehension is palpable:
  • Nish Kumar: "I imagine this menu is gonna be fucking disgusting." (20:25)
  • Ed reveals deep-seated anger with Greg’s food choices.

A. Iconic Menu Moments and Recurring Off Menu Lore

• Personal Connections: Sometimes a menu belongs to someone the guest knows (as with Nicola Coughlan recently).
• Greg Davies’s food/drink catchphrases: “We’re gonna have a look at it tonight, aren’t we?” and “settlers” for pre/post drinks become running jokes.
  • Nish Kumar: "If you think you're going to have a few drinks that night, you just turn to your friend and go, 'We’re going to have a look at it tonight, aren’t we?' My wife hates that shit.” (22:12)

B. Taskmaster Stories

• Anecdote about Nish and Ed being the only contestants to get “escorted off set for a telling off” by Greg Davies on Taskmaster for being disruptive.

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7. Greg Davies’ Tasting Menu: Course-by-Course Commentary

Drink: Sparkling Water

• [26:17] Discussion on still vs sparkling, and the horror of “Dash” flavored water.
  • Nish Kumar: “It’s basically like someone put water into a glass that had juice in it and hasn’t been properly washed.” (26:47)
  • Ed Gamble: “I hate that shit where they’re like, ‘It’s flavored’… You’ve whispered the name of the fruit into it.” (26:54)

Poppadoms or Bread: Poppadoms

• [28:20] Both Nish and Greg’s menus share poppadoms, with the related in-joke that Off Menu’s crowd is overwhelmingly white.
  • Nish Kumar: "The stalls of this fucking room looks like a reform rally." (28:26)
  • [29:00] Spontaneous "I love making things about race, race, race" song.

Starter: Pass

• [37:00] Greg’s infamous “Pass” on the starter, sparking genuine outrage.
  • Ed Gamble: "This menu made me fucking livid." (20:36); "He just said that he thought they were pointless. They were like mini mains." (37:45)
  • Nish Kumar: “How can you pass on a starter?”

Main: Fillet Steak (Medium)

• [40:33] Steak as a main course is controversial, especially for Nish, who is Hindu.

  • Hilarious tangent: "The boss of the Hindus" skit, ranking religious “bosses” (see Notable Moments).

  • Nish Kumar: "He didn't know he was inadvertently, eight years later, committing a hate crime by trying to wham beef in a Hindu's chops." (41:03)

  • [46:17] Ed goes off on well-done steak:

    • Ed Gamble: “Destroys the flavor, destroys the texture…tough as an old boot.”
    • Nish Kumar: “As someone who predominantly consumes chicken, I’m very rarely looking for that rare…I’m very rarely, am I saying I’d like that bloody.” (47:33)

Sides: The ‘Demi Clock’ of Side Dishes

• [53:31] Greg’s side dish order – mac and cheese, onion rings, a jar of pesto with a spoon, red Thai curry, and creamed spinach arranged like a demi clock – is received with both delight and disgust.
  • Nish Kumar: "That actually sounds amazing. Bear in mind, you're talking to a man…my idea of a snack is, I eat a tub of hummus with a spoon." (53:51)
    • Nish and Ed reminisce about eating habits when living together (“eating hummus like a yogurt”).
  • Ed Gamble: “If he’d had a jar of pesto with a spoon as a starter, I would’ve liked that. But no. Pass on starter, and then 11 meals as the side dish.” (60:33)

Drink: Strawberry Milkshake with Bourbon

• [62:25] The group is shocked and impressed by Greg’s dessert drink.
  • Nish Kumar: “A strawberry milkshake with bourbon does sound absolutely delicious…like a French king.” (62:30)
  • [63:02] Ed and Nish reminisce about “having a look at it” with old fashioneds – including Nish’s strategic Fleetwood Mac tube ride home.

Dessert: Greg’s Mum’s Lemon Suet Pudding

• [68:17] The pudding is described as “not nice,” prompting discussion of suet, classic British desserts, and family anecdotes.
  • Nish Kumar: "It's not immediately appealing." (68:44)

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8. Off Menu, Friendship, and Chaos

• [70:07] Warm banter about being “mum guys,” introducing friends to families, and who excels at parent-chat (Nish, notably).
• [72:50] Spirals into stories about seeing Bob Dylan at the Royal Albert Hall, bombing gigs, and being upstaged by “Comfortably Numb” leaking through from other rooms.
  • Nish Kumar: "I've never been heckled by the venue." (75:24)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Running Jokes:

  • “Shout out to women!” – Nish, lampooning male podcast sincerity.
  • “My mother!” – Nish’s new phrase after trips abroad (“madre mia”) and when tasting spicy foods.
  • “Boss of the Hindus” – tangent about who leads each world religion.
  • Nish: “Chill out, a little bit of beef is alright, now and again.” (39:56), with James riffing as the “undercover boss of the Hindus”.

• On Greg’s menu:

  • Ed: “I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yums, but your yums are yucks.” (47:33)
  • Nish: “Greg Davis is a disgusting man. However, I am also a disgusting man. So there was quite a lot of his menu I enjoyed.” (75:39)

• On being “mum guys”:

  • James: “You get on with people’s parents, don’t you?”
    Nish: “Yeah, I’m a well nice, well born boy.” (69:46)
  • Story about James’ dad still raving about a Dylan conversation with Nish, “chasing the dragon” of that perfect chat.

• Taskmaster chaos:

  • Ed: “You’re the only people Greg has had to have a word with in the shadows.” (25:16)
  • Nish: “I was like Clockwork Orange – had my eyeballs pinned open, staring at it repeatedly [at Taskmaster party].” (23:21)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 04:06 – Show opening and “last night” energy set
• 07:44 – Nish’s entrance and off-brand T-shirt bit
• 09:02 – Shout out to women running joke begins
• 11:08 – Roasting the audience and genie routine
• 19:02 – Nish learns he’s eating Greg Davies’s menu
• 22:12 – “We’re gonna have a look at it tonight”/“settlers” phrase explained
• 37:00 – Outrage over Greg’s “pass” starter decision
• 40:33 – Steak as main and the “boss of the Hindus” sketch
• 53:31 – Side dishes demi clock, food snacking habits
• 62:25 – Milkshake with bourbon shocker and Fleetwood Mac tube journey
• 68:17 – Lemon suet pudding, parent chat, family stories
• 75:39 – Nish’s final verdict on Greg Davies’s menu

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Summary of Nish’s (Greg Davies’s) Tasting Menu

| Course | Greg Davies’s Choice | Nish’s Reaction | |---------------|------------------------------------------|--------------------------------------| | Drink | Sparkling water | “Trained myself to like it” | | Poppadoms/Brd | Poppadoms (with returned lime pickle) | Delighted, relishes poppadoms | | Starter | “Pass” | Outrage and confusion | | Main Course | Fillet steak (medium) | “I’m a Hindu! Hate crime!” | | Side Dishes | Mac n cheese, onion rings, jar of pesto, | Shares love of “eating with a spoon,”| | | red Thai curry, creamed spinach (demiclk)| demi clock “genius” | | Drink | Strawberry milkshake with bourbon | “Absolutely delicious” | | Dessert | Mum’s lemon suet pudding | Skeptical, “not immediately appealing”|

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Tone and Style

The tone is raucous, unfiltered, and steeped in the camaraderie of longtime friends. Jokes veer into the surreal, stories are barely reined in, and there is a constant sense that anything could happen onstage – befitting their “final night” mood. There is liberal, tongue-in-cheek use of crude or “edgy” language, always for comic effect.

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For New Listeners

If you’re new to Off Menu, this episode doubles as a masterclass in its in-jokes, extended universe, and the joy of comedians hosting comedians. It’s a celebration of comedy, friendship, and food—and of pushing formats to the brink. Even if you miss certain references, the enthusiasm and spirit are impossible to resist.

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Notable Quotes:

• “Shout out to women!” (09:02, repeated)
• “My mother!” (various, after spicy food tales)
• “I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yums, but your yums are yucks.” (47:33, Ed)
• “I think Greg Davis is a disgusting man. However, I am also a disgusting man.” (75:39, Nish)
• “I will not be eating the steak because – and we can exclusively reveal this now – the boss of the Hindus.” (76:43, Nish)

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Conclusion

A fittingly unhinged, celebratory finale at the Royal Albert Hall with one of Off Menu’s best-loved guests. For fans of comedic chaos, food, and friendship, this episode is the full “demi clock."

Transcript

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[Ed Gamble]

He shoots.

[James Acaster]

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[Ed Gamble]

It's the off menu podcast bonus Live Royal Albert hall episode James Bonus. It's a bonus. It's the final Royal Albert hall show.

[James Acaster]

It's a final one. I mean we thought it would never end. The longest stretch in history that anyone's ever done at the Royal. But I think. But you know, it was a pleasure to go on that journey with you, Ed.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, you too, mate.

[James Acaster]

And our final guest of course was Nish Kumar. Initial wonder a niche called Wanda of course. Look a fan favorite returning getting the menu of another fan favorite. AKA a tasting menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And on the, you know, the naughtiest boy. I guess you don't want to start with Nish. You kind of do have to. It has to be it's last day of school vibes isn't it when Nish comes in. So like you know we knew that that yeah. Was the energy it bring.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Sometimes it might refer to the first half. It might not make sense. Sometimes it might refer to stuff that happened before the first half. Just in our lives.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Nish is a very naughty boy. This is audio. So just for those of you listening, Nish was wearing a propeller hat and he had a pea shooter with him. Yes.

[James Acaster]

And little shorts that only just went below his willy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And knobbly knees and very naughty.

[Ed Gamble]

So, Grace, the word Willie, right?

[James Acaster]

I hate the word Willie.

[Ed Gamble]

It's awful.

[James Acaster]

I'd say that would. That would be like. That would end any. Like romantic. What would the word be? Sex I was ever having with anyone would be if they said, now show me that Willie.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Also for me, willy can only be used for soft.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, definitely.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I would not. I wouldn't want to hear it.

[Ed Gamble]

I wouldn't want to hear it anyway.

[James Acaster]

But anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

But like, yeah, it doesn't work for.

[James Acaster]

It wouldn't make me feel like a sexy guy. No. I said, look at that willy. I'd be like, yeah, what you might

[Ed Gamble]

as well call it.

[James Acaster]

I spent hours getting this hard. I was getting as hard as a rock.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got up early trying to get

[James Acaster]

it hard for ages. You say it's still a willy.

[Ed Gamble]

May as well call it a dinkle at this point.

[James Acaster]

Call it my little little pee pee. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, this is Nish Kumar at the Royal Albert Hall. Yeah, it's off menu, love, baby.

[James Acaster]

Second half. We're gonna bring in our special guest. Very excited. Ed, Kick the second half off like only you can.

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome to the off menu podcast. And tonight for one night only, it's a Morrisons make your own podcast bar. Taking the mango so sorry of conversation, adding to it a bowl of flour of humor and then pouring it all of the chodin, the hole of conversation. It's the off menu podcast tasting menu.

[James Acaster]

That is it. Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. Every single week we invite a guest and ask their favourite ever start and make us dessert side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week on the tasting menu, please welcome Nish Kumar. What have you made?

[Ed Gamble]

What's this T shirt that you've made?

[Nish Kumar]

My own T shirt. I decided to make a special T shirt to commemorate the day but I wanted to make it like off brand merch like you see outside concerts where people are selling them off tarpaulins and so you can't be sued. It's all slightly changed. So it's off the menu live.

[Ed Gamble]

We can put it on the big screen.

[Nish Kumar]

Nish, we've popped it on it says Egg Hamble and Ham's alabaster with Nosh. And we're performing at the Prince Andrew Hall. Shout out to Prince Andrew up there in the big jail in the sk. He's not a prince.

[Ed Gamble]

Good point.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Nish Kumar]

Not the biggest problem with him.

[James Acaster]

Not a prince, I think you'll find.

[Nish Kumar]

And we've got. And I've got a photo of the three of us where I'm doing an impression of James writing on his hand. And I've got a mustache and you've got a mustache. And not as a joke, as we found out.

[James Acaster]

It's a very nice T shirt.

[Nish Kumar]

Very nice T shirt. Amy. Annette designed it for me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Nish Kumar]

Shout out, baby, innit? Shout out to women. How about that?

[Ed Gamble]

The creepiest thing you've ever done.

[James Acaster]

Shout out to women.

[Ed Gamble]

Can I just say, before we start a shout out to women, guys, can

[Nish Kumar]

we just give a bit of a shout out to the women?

[Ed Gamble]

For me, every day is international Women's Day.

[Nish Kumar]

I call this podcast Off Women. You.

[James Acaster]

So we were off Women. Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

I didn't think it through. Jimmy bag.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

By the way, we found out and we should have known. When I was on stage and read out Daniel Billing, the name Daniel Billing. And there was one squawk from the back of the Albert hall. That was Nish

[Nish Kumar]

Billing. I'm sorry to tell you, your name is stupid. A man called Daniel Billinge and Ed really hit the NJ sound and I'm afraid to say, it really made me giggle.

[Ed Gamble]

And there were some people sat around Nish who were apparently quite annoyed by the squawk he did, but they're fine now because he's on the stage now for the next. He's not sat next to you anymore. He's literally the rest of the show.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

If you thought I was too loud when I didn't have a microphone that was going through the PA system, you're shit out of luck. Cunt.

[Ed Gamble]

Shout out to women.

[Nish Kumar]

Shout out to women. Shout out to women.

[James Acaster]

Sea bombs left and right. Shout out to all the women.

[Nish Kumar]

Well, we've started fantastically.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. It's a good start from you, Nish and James. We need to start properly now because you're beginning.

[James Acaster]

I need to get in the lamp. I need to do my proper beginning. Oh, yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Okay, here we go.

[Ed Gamble]

No,

[James Acaster]

it's a bit undignified. It's a big enough venue that when I do this, most people can still see me.

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not very impressive from this angle, although it's a. It's a Deep squat, Jimmy.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I don't enjoy every night. There's always someone in this section who will wave at me. And it's horrible. Every time someone does it, it's horrible

[Nish Kumar]

going, hello, look at these absolute, absolute virgins.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You're wearing a homemade off menu T shirt.

[James Acaster]

He is right, though. Our audience are absolute virgins. We spoke to that guy over there who's not a fan. He's the only person who's got a photo of his own kids on his phone. The only one who's had sex.

[Ed Gamble]

Now, Nish, it's. It's normally beholden on the guest to get the genie out of the lamp. It's your. It's your choice.

[Nish Kumar]

Oh, am I rubbing the lamp?

[Ed Gamble]

If that's how you want to get the genie out, sure.

[Nish Kumar]

That's the only way to get the genie out is to wank off a lamp.

[James Acaster]

Oh, no, don't wank it off, mate. Okay. Welcome, Nick Kumar, to the Dream restaurant. We've been expecting you back for some time.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, my God. I really want to see you actually find the magic lamp now. Because you the only person who would run away from the genie. You ran so far from the genie.

[Nish Kumar]

I got really scared of the genie.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Also, you had. You had your tongue out while you were wanking the lamp off, which gave me an insight I did not want.

[Nish Kumar]

Shout out to women.

[James Acaster]

That would be a funny scene in if my dad wrote a porno. If someone was wanking someone off and then what they jiz they run away from it.

[Nish Kumar]

I just realized that this show finally has something in common with Aladdin. That it started with a brown man rubbing a lamp and being scared by a big, loud genie.

[James Acaster]

I mean, we. We didn't think we'd fold that into the format from day one. Nish, we didn't give you someone else's menu today.

[Nish Kumar]

Fantastic.

[James Acaster]

Do you like when you don't choose the food and you just can give it up to chance?

[Nish Kumar]

Well, sometimes. Let's be honest. A lot of the time you and I hand over the ordering of food to Ed.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Like, quite a lot of the time when we go out for dinners, I get. We get a lot of. Me and Amy get a lot of free shit every time we go out for dinner with these two. No offense, cunts.

[Ed Gamble]

None taken. None taken.

[Nish Kumar]

We really feel like Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas. You know, where she's getting, like, led into the Copacabana by Ray Liotta. Because we come in and immediately five people are like, oh, thank you for coming Poppadoms or water, like, they come straight out.

[Ed Gamble]

Nish is a big fan of this podcast, by the way.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, I love the menu. And then we get loads of free food and stuff. And often, very often, you will order for us.

[Ed Gamble]

I did the other day, certainly at my. My birthday lunch, I had the menu thrust in. Thrust in my direction.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And what will happen is, say, just order what you want, then we to you. And then while I'm going through it every two seconds, James will go, I've got my eye on this.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And I'll go, actually, that sounds nice. I'd like that.

[Nish Kumar]

And then I'll chime in with a few things. It's really like herding cats for Edward Gamble when he has to order for us. That was a good meal. Lot of meat.

[Ed Gamble]

A lot of meat. And then there were a couple of gifts from the kitchen.

[Nish Kumar]

That's it. There's always gifts from the kitchen. You people can't even believe what our lives are like. It's actually, you can't believe what my life is like because I actually don't do anything to contribute to this podcast beyond occasionally slagging it off in interviews.

[Ed Gamble]

But sometimes, you know, Nish does Pod Save the uk, his podcast. So great podcast. So when we go to the Houses of Parliament with Nish, we'll occasionally, we'll get some gifted long reads. They'll come over there, we'll go, a Guardian from the back, from the kitchen.

[James Acaster]

When we went for Ed's meal, my partner and I were the first people to arrive and they said, oh, yes, we've got your table. Ed's been here for ages. Ed was outside an hour ago, just walking up and he's been walking up and down the street all morning. Ed Gamble has. And Ed turned up and went, you've been here all morning? He went, no, I've only just got here.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I don't know who that was. I've got a doppelganger walking around outside the Quality Chop House.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But I like that when she said, I've been here all morning, walking up and down. You thought Ed would do that. Scope it out an hour early.

[James Acaster]

He doesn't want to be late. He wants to make sure he definitely gets his chops. So he's come down, he's walking up and down the street all morning. Figured, I hope we get it. Somebody looked like you and they were like, oh, no, get the table ready. Ed Gamble's here.

[Ed Gamble]

Nish, it's been ages since you've been on this podcast.

[Nish Kumar]

It's been. It's been, let's not be crass, millions of pounds ago for both of you. When you started this podcast. Hello. Fresh was just a man called John Fresh who used to run around handing out dinners to people in their house.

[Ed Gamble]

Just the ingredients. Just fucking. Oh, John's been over again. Just strung a lot of chilies through the window.

[Nish Kumar]

Damn it, Johnny Fresh. This avocado doesn't go with this Yorkie bar at all. And now look at you. Absolutely loaded.

[Ed Gamble]

When you came on the podcast, Nish, you did your Christmas menu.

[Nish Kumar]

I did indeed.

[Ed Gamble]

And you did a whole Christmas menu. We've since changed the Christmas format, so it's people's dream menus and they just talk about their Christmas in the middle.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So you've only ever done a Christmas. You've never done a proper episode of off menu with your dream meal. And here you are on another twist on the format and you still don't get to do your proper dream menu.

[Nish Kumar]

That's because they know that you can't handle my dream meal. That's cause they know my dream meal would blow people's minds out of their ear holes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I mean, the last time you did it, it was on stage at the Royal Festival hall and you came on and we mainly talked about how you once farted in a pie shop.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, but you. You say that like I introduced the subject. I walked on, sat down, and he went, you farted in a pie shot one time.

[James Acaster]

I think you introduced the subject when you farted in a pie shop.

[Ed Gamble]

Listen, that was very much, very much the opening salvo to that conversation.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I didn't pluck it out of thin air. Disgusting air. But, like. And we. We discovered we had. It was a Royal Festival hall around Christmas. It was absolute mess. It was carnage. Nish's farts for most of the evening. It always came off going, man, that was such a mess. But hey, it was fun. It's fun for us. But, like, I wouldn't want to be in the audience. That was an absolute mess. And then someone went, guess who was there tonight? Tina Fey. What?

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no, just all of our. All of our hero. Just like. Just a total hero.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Never met her in the audience watching Nish talk about his fucking guffs.

[Nish Kumar]

None of us have made the cut for SNL uk.

[James Acaster]

I didn't get the call for that.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

How about these three guys? They would talk about guffs every week.

[Ed Gamble]

I can't believe Tina Fey now, because I'd have to open with you. Saw me on stage talking about My friends Guffs. And Also I did 30 Rock On Mastermind.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Instant restraining order.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Whose menu are you hoping for? Nish.

[Nish Kumar]

I'm sort of. Listen. I've listened to all of the tasting menu episodes, so I'm aware that this is going to go one of two ways. This is either a menu that you think that I will enjoy and that you're excited. I understand that I. My menu was given to Tim Key yesterday.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Nish Kumar]

And I. And I thought when I heard that, that Tim Key would have enjoyed the kebabs that I talked about and Tim Kitty would sort of broadly have enjoyed the Christmas meats. So that's one possibility. The other possibility is that you give me an absolute nightmare of a menu. And this isn't having dinner in the dream restaurant so much as it is having dinner at Guantanamo Bay, which mercifully, you don't have to change the fucking orange color scheme for that's what we've

[James Acaster]

always been going for, is Guantanamo orange.

[Nish Kumar]

So I'm either in for an evening of stimulating conversation or you're about to describe one of the most disgusting meals of all time. Nick Muhammad's dinner was a fucking disgrace. It was an absolute. I thought Bridget Christie was going to punch one or both of you, or

[Ed Gamble]

it could be someone that you've got a personal connection to. This is another way of working it. So we had Nicola Coughlan on the other night.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Who was. Who was doing Siobhan McSweeney's menu. And obviously they've worked. They've worked together a lot.

[Nish Kumar]

I'll say. There's one name that does bring to mind vis a vis me having a personal connection with them.

[James Acaster]

Okay. Don't want to say who that is.

[Nish Kumar]

Well, I'm Amy. Annette. Be the obvious one. My life partner and T shirt designer. Very shout out to a woman

[James Acaster]

very close Tonight, Nish, we'll be giving you the Off Menu menu of Quick Evidence.

[Ed Gamble]

Literally the only face he's ever made at Nish.

[Nish Kumar]

Also, where I'm seated in relation to the position of the screens is accurate to our height difference.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Oh, yeah. That's not a picture. Greg's back there. That's a little window.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

This is one of the few pictures where it's actually smaller than the real life map. Fucking hell. Greg Davis, menu again.

[Ed Gamble]

Another very early episode of Off Menu.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah. I imagine this menu is gonna be fucking disgusting.

[James Acaster]

So you don't know anything about it?

[Nish Kumar]

I heard it when it was released, but I can't remember the specifics of it.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, well, don't try and guess them. Cause we'll be going through it right now. And let me tell you, this menu made me fucking livid.

[James Acaster]

You're probably not gonna be as angry as Ed is just reliving this.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I'm so annoyed already.

[Nish Kumar]

All I remember is you being genuinely angry about.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. So, so angry. And he knew it was going to make me angry, but it was still genuinely what he wanted on his dream menu.

[Nish Kumar]

He's responsible for, I would say, one of the key food slash drink phrases that I use most regularly because we listen, Ed and I. What we enjoy doing is using phrases that will upset and annoy Ed's wife.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Nish Kumar]

We love to do this.

[James Acaster]

Shout out to women.

[Nish Kumar]

Shout out to women.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. There's a reason that when I said to my wife today, oh, Nish is on an off menu tonight, the Royal Albert hall, are you coming? She went, no,

[Nish Kumar]

We. We were all. We were on our way to a wedding. And when we were on our way to the wedding, I thought it would be really funny to say to Ed that we would have some sort of alcoholic drink when we got there. And the way that I said it was, Ed, we'll have a few settlers when we arrive. Few settlers, Few settlers. She fucking hated settlers. The only thing she hated more than settlers was when we went to Josh Whitakem's wedding in Italy. And I thought it would be really funny to translate the phrase Mamma mia. And so we spent the entire trip, every time we ate anything, going, my mother.

[Ed Gamble]

The problem is Nish needs no encouragement to repeat the same thing over and over again if he thinks it's funny. But the mistake, Charlie, my wife makes all the time is she gets annoyed with it straight away. And you can see Nish go Terminator mode. He's like, here we fucking go. Target spotted. My mother, should we have some settlers? Let's have a few settlers. And the other phrase, which is a Greg Davis phrase, is when you think you're gonna have a few drinks that night, you just turn to your friend and go, we're gonna have a look at it tonight, aren't we? My wife hates that shit.

[Nish Kumar]

The Taskmaster rap. The year I did Taskmaster, I saw Greg in the afternoon and he said we were doing, like, some press thing and it was the wrap party that night. And I said to him, he comes to the rap party. He was like, actually, no, mate, I've got quite a lot to do. I'm writing a TV show. And when I walked into the party, the first thing I saw Was Greg at the bar? And he just turned to me and went, we'll have a little look at it tonight. And I'll be honest with you, we had too good to look at it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Do you remember what happened when you showed up? When I showed up, James joined the rap party, and I was. I had stared at it. Yeah, I hadn't had a look at it. I had stared at it.

[Ed Gamble]

You memorized it.

[Nish Kumar]

I was like Clockwork Orange. Like, I had my eyeballs pinned open, and I was staring at it repeatedly.

[James Acaster]

You had new trainers that you'd got.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, I got the feiway kung fu trainers. And I said to James, well, I actually can't remember it.

[James Acaster]

Well, you were at the top of the stairs, and I was like, those are nice trainers. You're like, I got them. And me and John. Where'd you go with John?

[Nish Kumar]

Shaolin Temple.

[James Acaster]

We went to the Shaolin Temple and then fell backwards.

[Nish Kumar]

I said to James, I'm gonna do a. I'm gonna show you how to do some kung fu right now. I did a flying kick that somehow managed to propel myself backwards through saloon doors in the toilet that we were in, and just straight down the stairs.

[James Acaster]

Well, there he goes. I've just got here.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, I. I absolutely had a look. There's two times I've had a look at it with Greg Davis. Was. One of the times was that time, and the other time was at your wedding. And I will say, it is ill advised to have a look at it with a man who is twice your height. That is not someone you want to go drink for drink with.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Me and Greg, when we walk around, it looks like one of those videos where, like, a rhino is friends with a mouse. Like, it's like. It's like these two people are barely the same species. It's the exact height difference between Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. When I arrived at that taskmaster party, your series hadn't been out yet because it was the rap party.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But as soon as you did that, I was like, I think he comes last.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Whatever task that was, he's failed.

[Nish Kumar]

I think we're still the only two people that have been. I was about to say, I think one of these, no offense, geeks will know. I think we're still the only.

[Ed Gamble]

If only you were sat next to the person who hosts the Visualized companion podcast.

[Nish Kumar]

I forgot about the vcp. Ed, as host of the vcp, you'll be able to confirm this. Are we still the only two people that have Been escorted off the set for a telling off.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. You are the only people who Greg has had to have a word with in the shadows.

[Nish Kumar]

Fair enough.

[James Acaster]

With you. I was being good. You were messing around and like, initially.

[Ed Gamble]

No, you. You called Greg a pussy.

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

You called for not being able to

[Ed Gamble]

open a box and that's why you had to, because you were being naughty. Greg had a word with Nish because he was just being quite poor at the tasks.

[James Acaster]

You'd done a sudoku as one of your tasks.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Nish Kumar]

He. He said to me, people still say to me, you're not a bad guy, Nish. Which is what he said to me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

On the offset bollocking.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

You're not a bad guy, Nish.

[James Acaster]

Scott. Where the bloody hell did that come from?

[Nish Kumar]

But he is like a full person. Taller than. He's taller than you and you're tall.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, he held me upside down on that show.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

He's a tall man.

[Ed Gamble]

You're the only person he's held upside down, I think.

[James Acaster]

Thank you. Thank you, vcp.

[Ed Gamble]

No problem.

[Nish Kumar]

Vcp. Shout out to the women.

[James Acaster]

Nish, when you came on the podcast, you wanted still water.

[Nish Kumar]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

It's Greg Davis's menu today, so we're going to be bringing you sparkling water. The opposite, but it's only two options. So surely you like sparkling water.

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

You know what? Since I would say since I did the podcast, I've got a slightly more of an appreciation for sparkling water because I'm trying to drink less fizzy drinks and so I've got these dashes and I don't know if you've had a dash, but they are fucking horrible.

[Ed Gamble]

Feel bad for whooping.

[Nish Kumar]

It's basically like someone put water into a glass that had juice in it and hasn't been properly washed.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I hate that shit where they're like, oh, it's flavored like that. It's not flavored. You put it near the fruit. You've whispered the name of the fruit into it.

[Nish Kumar]

It's homeopathy. It's beverage based homeopathy. It sort of has the liquid memory of something that had taste that floats in it. But because I'm 40 years old, I was like, I can't be drinking all this pop. So let's pop.

[Ed Gamble]

You're 40 years old and you're using the word pop. You're 40 years old now, Nish. You can't be drinking all this pop.

[Nish Kumar]

I can't all be drinking all these soda pops. It was so I've had a lot of them. In the fridge. And I've sort of acquired a taste for it. I don't think I enjoy it. I think I've just, like, kind of trained my taste buds to drink it.

[Ed Gamble]

By the way, when you were slagging off Dash, a little note came up on the screen there from Benito. He can send us messages and he just said, we've been sent loads of Dash. There's loads in the fridge at the studio. So I'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you to Dash.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, thank you, Dash. Thanks to Dash. If you can't handle the taste of real juice anymore because you're worried about your receding gum, you need Dash sounds

[James Acaster]

like you're worried about your receding gums, so you're continuing to drink carbonated water.

[Nish Kumar]

If you're tired of flavor, Dash might be the drink for you. Pod Save the UK is brought to you by Dash.

[James Acaster]

This one you and Greg both agreed on. Pop dumps or bread. Papadoms.

[Ed Gamble]

Papadoms.

[Nish Kumar]

Indians. Indians in the. Oh, nothing from the whites of the off menu crowd, is it? Well, well, well. God damn, it is white as well. Fuck me. The stalls of this fucking room looks like a reform rally.

[Ed Gamble]

Can I just say, Nish, 23 minutes it's taken you to do that. That is the longest it's ever taken you to accuse the crowd of being racist. That is absolutely amazing.

[Nish Kumar]

I love making things about race, race, race.

[James Acaster]

Want to talk us through that song?

[Nish Kumar]

I love making things about race, race, race.

[Ed Gamble]

You just sung it again.

[James Acaster]

We've been singing a lot backstage because we found a few songs today. And the one that Ed found online that we've become obsessed with is the song Vintage by Michael Ball.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And we put it on the playlist today. We snuck it in the playlist, the pre show. So that's mainly what we've been singing. And I did feel like what you sang there was a bit of a twist on vintage.

[Ed Gamble]

It had a touch of the vintage to it. It's well worth looking up on your way home. It's a new single from Michael Ball. It's called Vintage. It's about how he's old, but that's not too bad. He's like a fine red wine. He just keeps on getting better.

[James Acaster]

Really good. It's just him dancing amongst. I'd say there's two balloons.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And he keeps on having to, like, vary up how he appears from behind me. Yeah. Michael Ball again. Yes, it is now when Greg chose the poppadoms.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

He mentioned that his local curry house had the best lime pickle. And then they stopped doing it and he was angry about it. So then because he said it on off menu, they bought it back and it's Greg's lime pickle on the board.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You had a similar experience when you came on the podcast, but it didn't work out very well for you.

[Nish Kumar]

No, sorry. Yeah. On the exact opposite happened. I made mention of a cobbler that they served in Jackson and Rye that they had stopped serving, and then we tried to bring back the cobbler, and then Jackson and Rye closed the entire restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

Shut the chain. It was a chain, I think.

[Nish Kumar]

Was it a chain?

[Ed Gamble]

The entire chain shut down. It's like they saw one tweet from us going, bring back niches and peach cobbler. And they went, yeah, just shut up shop. We're not doing.

[Nish Kumar]

They shut. The entire chain of Jackson and Rye went under. But I should tell you that in the sort of near, what, like eight years or something since I went on that show, people just make me. Still make me cobblers.

[James Acaster]

Oh, great. Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

And give them to me at shows. And I do eat them. Even though they are almost certainly full of jizz.

[James Acaster]

They'll be laced with jizz. Absolutely.

[Nish Kumar]

They won't be full of jizz. Absolutely. Laced with jizz. That's what gives them the flavor. My mother, I love her. The jizz.

[Ed Gamble]

I just say, Nish, it's the most arrogant you've ever been that you've assumed that if someone makes you a cobbler, they've jizzed in it.

[Nish Kumar]

More lady jizz. Shout out to the ladies.

[James Acaster]

Really a true ally.

[Nish Kumar]

All ladies can jizz too. Look it up.

[James Acaster]

Vintage. Okay.

[Nish Kumar]

I love making things about. Jeez, jeez, jeez.

[Ed Gamble]

It's really fun. If no one, if everyone here has only seen Nish do his stand up and not seen him like this, because the comparison is wild.

[James Acaster]

I do feel like, you know, if all the right wing people who get angry at Nish's stand up saw this kind of stuff Nish does, they'd chill out a bit and go, he's not as much of a threat as we thought. Don't think he is gonna end.

[Ed Gamble]

He's just said ladies can jizz to look it up. I think we'll be all right.

[Nish Kumar]

Look it up. Google it, Yahoo it, Bing it, Ask Jeeves, if you please.

[Ed Gamble]

Zach Polanski sat in the back going, oh, for sake.

[James Acaster]

Oh, no.

[Ed Gamble]

This was the one guy we were relying on.

[James Acaster]

Already got enough heat on me because of the hypno boobs.

[Nish Kumar]

I don't need this lady jizz business on top of hypno boobs.

[James Acaster]

By the way, if you want to show your allegiance to the Greens because you know all the former tying all the flags of the lamppost to show Polanski support him, tie a massive bra under the lamp he's supported making everyone's boobs bigger. I feel like maybe not everyone in this room knows that.

[Ed Gamble]

News story.

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

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[Dani Pellegrino]

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[James Acaster]

Stressful.

[Dani Pellegrino]

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[Michael]

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[James Acaster]

He's dribbling the ball with everything on the line. He's driving down the pitch. He's facing price hikes and cuts past him. Carrier contracts. Tries to block him.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, he leaves him in the dust.

[James Acaster]

He's at the edge of the box. He cuts past past the non stop group chat Trash talk. He clears on goal.

[Ed Gamble]

He shoots.

[Nish Kumar]

No unlimited data for $25 a month forever. Visit your local Boost Mobile store today to get unlimited data with a price that never changes. Boost mobile after 30gb, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost $25 unlimited plan.

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Maxing is so maxing right now, bro. Get ready for spicy chicken maxing because Carl's Jr. Is saving you big with a 599 max maxed out double stack. Double stack. Double stack Spicy chicken sandwich. Seriously. Just 5.99 double stack spicy chicken.

[Ed Gamble]

This is unreal value in the bromosphere.

[Nish Kumar]

The new spicy chicken Max Wallet friendly Max tasty only at Carl's Jr available

[Ed Gamble]

for a limited time at participating restaurants.

[James Acaster]

Tax not included.

[Nish Kumar]

Not valid for use within a combo or a combination with any other offered discount.

[James Acaster]

Nish, you wanted a lamb kebab from Alan the Pussycat.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, that's right.

[James Acaster]

In the shack. Out the back.

[Nish Kumar]

The sh. Out the back. Leicester baby.

[James Acaster]

A lot of you will know Greg Davis's starter. So let's say it together. 1, 2, 3.

[Ed Gamble]

Pass.

[James Acaster]

Pass. Here's where things get interesting. This is where Ed stopped having a nice time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

When we recorded this pass.

[Nish Kumar]

How can you pass on a starter?

[Ed Gamble]

This is just. You're basically going through the script of what I said on the Danish.

[Nish Kumar]

But what was. I can't remember. Remind me. What was his reasoning? What was the rationale behind Passing top

[Ed Gamble]

reason to get on my fucking tits.

[Nish Kumar]

Oh, yeah. Greg. Yeah. This feels configured to upset you.

[Ed Gamble]

No, he just said that he thought they were pointless. They were like mini mains. They were just like mini versions of the meal.

[Nish Kumar]

But in the context of a dream restaurant where presumably like your appetite has no limit and time has no limit.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Wouldn't you just. Then pick a second, mate. Why would you eschew the starter altogether? Why would you just say pass?

[Ed Gamble]

Honestly, I don't know, Nish. And it's making me as angry as they did on the day right now.

[James Acaster]

Well, they're not as nice starters. They're not really as nice as. Don't you fucking start.

[Nish Kumar]

I've seen you eat an all starter meal.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's tapasma.

[Nish Kumar]

Madre mia.

[James Acaster]

He went to Mexico last week and he literally started saying madre mia.

[Nish Kumar]

Madre mia. The tortillas. Oh, my God. The food was insane.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Oh, I don't want to be sponsored by Dash, but I'd love to be sponsored by Mexico City.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I'm sure there are a few guys with some money who could sponsor you there. Welcome to Pod Save the uk. Sponsored by the Cartel. No, it looked amazing, man. You sent me loads of. Loads of food pictures.

[James Acaster]

It was.

[Nish Kumar]

It was crazy because we had all kinds of different meals. We had seven course tasting menus and we ate from like food shacks. I had a. I think it's called a longaniza. It's like a like Mexican chorizo. And it was a taco. The guy there was. There was a stat. Listen, I am a Hindu, but I did have to let some of that go because I was having a, A pork taco. But there was not a huge level of, shall we say, demarcation in the preparation of the pork from the beef.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Nish Kumar]

So it was essentially like. It was. It was in a plate that was designed to upset every possible religious belief. So you just got an all meat frying pan and they just fly. And he put the sausage on there, fried it and then put it on this huge wooden chopping board and then he got this kind of. Of sort of flat plain out with a sharp edge and just bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Chopped all the way along it and put it in a taco. It was. Oh, my mother. It was delicious. It was so.

[Ed Gamble]

So that's all right. A little bit of beef's okay, isn't it, now and again.

[Nish Kumar]

Well, it wasn't. There wasn't any beef in it. It's just. It was very much prepared. It Was pork in beef juice.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Not even. Not even the boss of the Hindus would mind you doing that.

[Nish Kumar]

I reckon.

[James Acaster]

And now and again. Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

I'd love to return to the boss of the Hindus at the end of this anecdote. I'd love to hear some speculation from Ed on who he thinks said boss is. And I will be pitching as a new TV show, Undercover Boss of the Hindus, Once we're done with this. Sorry, James, you were saying thing.

[James Acaster]

Oh, a little bit of beef is fine. Anyway, main course is fillet steak.

[Ed Gamble]

Fillet steak. Niche for your main.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, you're right to boo.

[James Acaster]

Now, bearing in mind that Greg didn't know you were going to be eating this. Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

And so he didn't know he was inadvertently, eight years later, committing a hate

[James Acaster]

crime

[Nish Kumar]

by trying to wham. Beef in a Hindu's chops.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Now, obviously it's us who's decided to give you this, but in our defense, we did check with the boss of the Hindus

[Nish Kumar]

again. Would love to hear some names on who's on the shortlist for boss of the Hindu sets from the person who

[James Acaster]

came up with it, please. And I'll just watch

[Nish Kumar]

who's on the short list for Hindu boss.

[Ed Gamble]

There must be. There must be one, right?

[James Acaster]

Yes, there must be.

[Nish Kumar]

There must be.

[Ed Gamble]

All the religions have a boss, right?

[Nish Kumar]

Okay, let's go.

[Ed Gamble]

A boss in the. A boss in the. In the main light. In the. In.

[James Acaster]

Oh, this is great.

[Michael]

When you.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely.

[Ed Gamble]

When you die, there's a boss boss for your religion. And then when you're on earth, there's. There's. There's at least one person who's the boss.

[Nish Kumar]

Assistant to the boss.

[Ed Gamble]

Assistant to the boss.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

So who's the. Who's the boss of the Christians? Who's the criszo boss?

[James Acaster]

What in. In heaven?

[Nish Kumar]

Well, let's have.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's in heaven in evidence. It's easy, Right?

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah. Who is it?

[Ed Gamble]

God.

[Nish Kumar]

God. And who's on earth?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, Pope.

[Nish Kumar]

The Pope. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Christians.

[Nish Kumar]

All Christians.

[Ed Gamble]

Famously the Catholics.

[Nish Kumar]

Pope's a boss of Catholics.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Who's prod boss?

[James Acaster]

Bear Grylls.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah. Bear Grylls is the prod boss.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. He baptized with Russell Brand in the Thames.

[Nish Kumar]

That was an interesting move, vis a vis being a Christian.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

I'll tell you who I'll baptize into my first. But I'll tell you who we'll welcome into the club. Russell Brand.

[James Acaster]

And he goes into the tips.

[Ed Gamble]

He's definitely not panicking or anything and just deciding to convert to Christianity for any other Reason that he just believes. He just believes it.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, I just believe it. Okay. I just. As far as I know, I think Prince Andrew might be next on the bedrooms baptism list.

[James Acaster]

I think the more evil they are, the dirtier the water is. They baptize them in, you know.

[Ed Gamble]

You know Andrew in the car, right? And he's like that.

[Nish Kumar]

That in the back where he looks fully dead.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I think it looks like a photo from Space Mountain. That's what he's going to look like just before he's baptized. Like just, he's.

[Nish Kumar]

I don't understand. He's completely rigid in the back seat of that car. It's absolutely unbelievable. He looks as dead as that photo of Philip. No, he looks, he, he looked like the old man. Like. But the old man was about 150 when they took that photo. But there was a famous photo of him in the front seat of the car where he sort of. He. He looked like the demon dog from Ghostbusters.

[James Acaster]

That's my big boss.

[Nish Kumar]

No way, man. I refuse to acknowledge that one. Not my Ghostbuster. My only Ghostbuster is Frank Frozen Empire starring my main man, Lars Pinfield. A racker. A racker to the bowels of hell. That cold bastard didn't know what was gonna hit him last. Pinfield and Kamael's character, the Fire Master.

[James Acaster]

Anyway, he was inaccurately called in a review the Firebender.

[Nish Kumar]

What were you called in that review?

[James Acaster]

The blonde haired nerd.

[Nish Kumar]

There was a review of Ghostbusters Frozen Empire that looks like it was written by ChatGPT but in full 2001 meltdown, emotional meltdown mode. And for someone. And they kept calling Kamal's character the Firebender and they referred to you only as the blonde hair nerd. And that is one of the things that you're called in my phone.

[James Acaster]

I'm called a lot of things in your phone? Yeah, yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Squirrel Nutkin.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

AKA the Croc and Roll Star. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I read the Squirrel Nutkin audiobook and I did a music project while dressed as an alligator. And the Guardian wrote an article about it that said Croc and Roll made his day.

[Nish Kumar]

And your job is listed as being at Tuneful Nappies.

[James Acaster]

Yes. When I was a little baby, there was an article about me in the local paper because a nappy company came out with a little button that babies could put in their nappies that if it got wet it would play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and they needed a prototype baby for it. And that was me.

[Ed Gamble]

And so I didn't even know it

[James Acaster]

Was the prototype baby holding it up like that and smiling as a little baby. And it says, tuneful nappies.

[Nish Kumar]

And then there's a quote from your mum that is like. Like this was not a good product.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. She says it doesn't play a tune when it's wet, but often because there's nothing to secure it in place, it can slip to where it's uncomfortable. I guess that's gotta be up the butt. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Is there a chance you've still got a twinkle, twinkle little star button up your ass?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I don't know if we ever. My parents ever found it.

[Nish Kumar]

That would explain when you shit yourself as an adult. Does it play a song? Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Who let the dogs out?

[Nish Kumar]

I say this show stayed on the rails longer than we all anticipated.

[James Acaster]

We have all done very well. So we'll move on from the fillet steak. I think.

[Nish Kumar]

Why did he. Why did he say. And I'll have no judgment from the waiter. I can't.

[James Acaster]

Because he wants it medium cooked. Medium.

[Ed Gamble]

I think he would prefer well done, though. He just wants things like overcooked to the point of.

[Nish Kumar]

But I imagine that must have got right up your butthole, gambler.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I did. I was talking Little star all over the place would have did that.

[Nish Kumar]

No, no, no. Starter and well done st. Yeah, it's.

[Ed Gamble]

It's so offensive to me. I, I, I get it. I get people like what they like, but I don't know why you would like that. So I'm not here to yuck anyone's yums. But your yums are yucks. Does anyone. Does anyone here like well done steak?

[Nish Kumar]

Probably not going to admit to it after that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

For fear that gamble comes into the audience and punches them in the head. Why is well done steak. But as someone who's never eaten a steak.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Why is it offensively bad?

[Ed Gamble]

Destroys the flavor, destroys the texture. It makes it, like, tough as an old boot, you know, it's just not the way you should be cooking.

[Nish Kumar]

Because I will say, as someone who Predominant meat I consume as chicken. I'm very rarely looking for that rare. I'm very rarely. Am I saying I'd like that bloody.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. If you.

[Nish Kumar]

Pos If. Pos Blue, please, chef. Ah, chicken sushi.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

They do do that in some, some places in Japan you can get chicken sashimi.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Really?

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Yeah.

[Michael]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But there's like, they know where. I think it's. They go, I know where the chicken came from. It's like, well, that's not going to help.

[James Acaster]

Where'd it Come from. It's just.

[Nish Kumar]

It's just fish in it. Let's be honest.

[Ed Gamble]

The provenance of the meat. So, you know, where it came from and who reared it and what it's been fed on and how it's been kept after it's been slaughtered and stuff. That's what I didn't mean, like. Oh, it's. It's from, you know.

[James Acaster]

Teriyaki. Yeah,

[Ed Gamble]

it's from Teriyaki. It's a wonderful chick.

[James Acaster]

Now this next one. Oh, Ed, you didn't say who the. The boss of the Hindus was.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, fuck. So we honestly, honestly, honestly sat here racking my brains for ages. You moved on. I was like, great, I can get away with this because the only name in my head is Apu from the Simpsons.

[James Acaster]

Well, at least that's not a controversial character.

[Nish Kumar]

You know, some Indians. You could have literally said, my dad.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, my dad, he's the boss.

[Nish Kumar]

I do call my dad the boss.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

I worked for him on a summer, like between, I think, university terms, and I started referring to him as the boss and I. We still refer to him as the boss to this day.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Nish Kumar]

I call my mum Killer B and she does not find it funny.

[Ed Gamble]

I went to see Nish, who's the

[Nish Kumar]

boss of the Muslims.

[Ed Gamble]

Ah, interesting.

[James Acaster]

Why have you gone into this?

[Nish Kumar]

Well, I think. I think we have to say the boss of Buddhists.

[James Acaster]

None of us are qualified to answer that.

[Nish Kumar]

Who is the boss of the Buddhists?

[Ed Gamble]

Don't ask the audience. You've already described as entirely white.

[Nish Kumar]

Right, we know. We know who the boss of atheists is. Ricky.

[James Acaster]

Gervais. Knew it was gonna be. Knew it was gonna be Gervais.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, who is the boss of the Muslims?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, suddenly that seems like a quite an inviting question.

[Nish Kumar]

This edit, this episode's gonna be a complicated edit for Benito.

[Ed Gamble]

Benito, can you Google it and put it on up on the screen?

[James Acaster]

Let us know the boss of each religion, please. On Earth.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

The problem with a lot of the religions is cuz like with Islam,

[James Acaster]

with

[Nish Kumar]

Christians, there's Catholics and Protestants.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

There's a lot of dissent within all of these religions.

[Ed Gamble]

A lot of flavors.

[Nish Kumar]

There's a lot of flavors. There's a lot of flavors. You a Christian? What flavor? Abortions or not?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that's a good. It's a good new poppadoms or bread.

[James Acaster]

It's our new podcast. Yeah. All about religion. Abortions are not.

[Ed Gamble]

Abortions or not.

[Nish Kumar]

Abortions are not.

[Ed Gamble]

Abortions are not. Archbishop of Canterbury.

[Nish Kumar]

Is this how you thought this was gonna Go the audience. You.

[James Acaster]

Me? Yeah, sorry. You forget that I once saw you kung fu kick yourself backwards down a set of stairs. No way. This has surprised me.

[Nish Kumar]

Boy oh boy, had I had a look at it.

[James Acaster]

Those kids were fast as lightning. Okay,

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Hi. Who here loves when their nails are perfectly done?

[Michael]

Me.

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

I'm Sarah Gibson Tuttle and I started Olive in June because let's be real, we all deserve to have gorgeous nails. But who wants to spend a fortune or half their day at the salon? And that's why I created the mani system. So you can have that salon perfect manicure right at home. And guess what? The best part, each mani only costs $2. Yup, you heard me. $2. No more. 30, 40, $50. Salon trips that eat up your day. Now you can paint your nails whenever you want, wherever you want. And trust me, you're going to be obsessed with your nails and everyone is going to ask you where did you get your nails done? And here's a little something extra. Head over to oliveandjune.com and get 20% off your first mani system with code [e-mail] perfectmanny20. That's code perfectmanny20 for 20% in June.com perfectmanny20. You're all set for a nail glow up. Let's get those nails looking fabulous, shall we?

[Michael]

This episode is sponsored by zocdoc. Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use Zoc Dock. Actually over the holidays Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed. But we hopped on to Zoc document, found an in network dentist, had great reviews, saw real time appointments available which was key. It was on New Year's day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation. Zocdoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250000 local in network providers across more than 200 specialties. So you can find the right doctor or dentist in vocal instantly taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to do list. That's Z O C D O C zocdoc

[James Acaster]

side dish. Now a lot of you will remember there's a configuration for this side dish. Side dishes. Get ready for this niche Mac and cheese, onion rings, a jar of pesto with a spoon, red Thai curry and Cream. Creamed spinach arranged like a demi clock.

[Ed Gamble]

See, this is where he started to get me back. I'll be honest with you.

[Nish Kumar]

Now I will say that Greg Davis and I do have some real common traits. I. E. Disgusting. And so that actually sounds amazing like you. But bear in mind you're talking to a man who like. My idea of a snack is I eat a tub of hummus with a spoon.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Nish Kumar]

Just raw dog. The chickpea.

[Ed Gamble]

Me and Nish live together for a year, couple of years, a decent amount of time. And I'd regularly come home and this would be stood at the fridge. The fridge was open and he'd be eating a jar of hummus. Like a yogurt.

[Nish Kumar]

Fantastic stuff.

[James Acaster]

I can't remember last time I visited you and there isn't a like a scraped clean but not washed pot of hummus on your, your coffee table with the spoon still in it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So just with like little rings of dried hummus around the outside and you

[Ed Gamble]

can tell, you can tell how long it's been there because hummus really changes color over time, doesn't it?

[James Acaster]

There's little crusty, just lines.

[Nish Kumar]

Fantastic. Try it yourself.

[Ed Gamble]

You'll put a hot sauce in it though, right?

[Nish Kumar]

I liked it. I will. I'm very into. There's a brand of hot sauce called Firefighter and it's like there's a Raja Bonnet hot sauce. I think the guy who makes them is from Brixton in South London, but it's called Raja Bonnet hot sauce. My mother. It is delicious. My mother. My mother.

[Ed Gamble]

Hang on. Are you about to tell an anecdote about your mother? Because this is very confusing now.

[Nish Kumar]

I'm about to tell a story about my actual margarine.

[James Acaster]

Okay, okay.

[Ed Gamble]

But you're following it. You're saying my mother because you enjoyed the sauce. And then you're going immediately going into a story about your mother.

[Nish Kumar]

Reminded me of an anecdote involving my mother and chillin.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we.

[Nish Kumar]

Years ago, when Jamie's Italian was still in operation. I must have told you both this. We were at a Jamie's Italian.

[James Acaster]

Oh yes, I. I have been told that Jamie's Italian.

[Nish Kumar]

We were at Jamie's Italian. I can't remember why, but we were

[James Acaster]

there and I mean, gotta assume for a meal.

[Ed Gamble]

I forget why setting the scene, James.

[Nish Kumar]

Anyway, my mum tried to order a pizza that was one of the like, like hot pizzas. And the waitress was like, that's really hot. And my mum went, we're Indian, couldn't eat the pizza, couldn't eat the fucking pizza had to send it back because it was too hot. Because I imagine the waitress went in there and said, blow this woman's anus off.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got another arrogant Indian in.

[James Acaster]

She ain't the boss of the Hindus.

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Get her.

[Nish Kumar]

It's so funny. We're Indian, me. Yeah. So I've been putting Raja Bonnet hot sauce into my hummus and just eating it with a spoon. Absolutely delicious. So this selection.

[Ed Gamble]

So the jar of pesto with a spoon is something you can really get on board with. And that's something I've done regular in the past. When I was a fat little boy at home, I would regularly go to the fridge when my mum wasn't looking, get a teaspoon and eat the pesto from the jar.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I love every detail that I learn about you as a kid. And I didn't know that one before and was added into the. The law. Absolutely love it.

[Nish Kumar]

Of course you were doing that. You find it really funny, the idea of me and Ed just being younger. You laugh every time you go past Durham on the tray.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Because I imagine you two in Durham University with Tom Neenan running around looking like Bogus Bunsen Bean. And jumping in the river together. Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Because you did jump in the river.

[James Acaster]

Really makes me laugh that you all jumped in the river.

[Ed Gamble]

We didn't mean to jump in the river. Well, we meant to jump in the river. We did not mean to. When we got into the river to jump off a boat that was moored. We did not mean to immediately sink that boat.

[Nish Kumar]

Yes, that boat was. Was compromised beyond belief.

[James Acaster]

But every photo I've seen of you guys at uni. That's really funny. It's like Ed with a thousand cigarettes in his mouth, swearing at the camera.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah. That is. There is specifically a photo of Ed with loads of cigarettes just hanging out of his mouth. And Nick Mohammed's in that picture as well because we've done a show with Nick. Nick looks, I would say, literally exactly the same.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

And I. My hair is completely perfectly circular.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

It's just full. Like Disco Stew in the Simpsons. Just, like, completely a perfect circle on my head.

[James Acaster]

That's the great thing about all the photos, is that often Ed will be doing something like rock and roll or something, and this will always be there. Just like, he's so happy to be there with his friends. So he's just, like, always, like, peering over someone. He's never in the foreground. He's always over something, everyone's shoulder. Like,

[Nish Kumar]

what are we doing today, guys? Jumping in the river.

[Ed Gamble]

Sh.

[James Acaster]

I love it. So. Yeah. I love every time I'm in Durban. They were here running around once. That was funny.

[Nish Kumar]

It was very good.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you happy with all of. So Greg's having all of these sides

[Nish Kumar]

remind me of all of the individual

[James Acaster]

Mac and cheese onion rings.

[Nish Kumar]

I'm happy with both of those.

[James Acaster]

Red Thai curry, creamed spin delish. Delicious. And of course the pesto with the spoon.

[Ed Gamble]

But he's arranging them in a demi clock is how he described it. So he's sat at the table and they're arranged in a demi clock.

[James Acaster]

And a lot of people really resonated with that. Yeah, People really liked the demi clock idea.

[Nish Kumar]

It's a smorgasbord. It's delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a demi clock. Nish.

[Nish Kumar]

Sorry. It's a demi clock. I do apologize.

[James Acaster]

What does the smorgasbord translate us do we know since Swedish lady.

[Nish Kumar]

Swedish lady.

[James Acaster]

Huh? Same thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Demi demi clock.

[James Acaster]

Right. Smorgasbord just translates as smorgasbord. It doesn't mean anything.

[Nish Kumar]

There isn't a direct translation. These scandies are crazy, man.

[James Acaster]

I don't understand how that could be possible.

[Nish Kumar]

It just is a small.

[Ed Gamble]

I guess that's why we say smorgasbord.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah. Looks like we're. We found the king of the Swedes. Shout out woman.

[James Acaster]

Think of the Swedes. Is it? That's good.

[Nish Kumar]

So the Thai curry, is that just Thai curry paste? Red curry paste?

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think it's.

[James Acaster]

No, no, it's not just. It's not got this. The paste.

[Nish Kumar]

It's just a full red curry.

[James Acaster]

A Thai. Yeah. Red Thai curry there.

[Nish Kumar]

That's genius, man. That. It's insane to me that he picked not starter and then it's one of his sides has a full curry.

[James Acaster]

It was doubly to annoy Ed.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because Ed was like any one of these could have been your starter. What the fuck is your problem?

[Ed Gamble]

He could have had a. If he'd had a jar of pesto with a spoon as a starter, I would have. I would have liked that. I would have been on board with that. But no. Pass on starter and then 11 meals as the side dish.

[Nish Kumar]

That is. It does suggest Greg would have been frustratingly an excellently entertaining task master contestant.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Nish Kumar]

If all he was trying to do was irritate the person in the chair.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Which is him.

[Ed Gamble]

I think he wanted. So he wants the demi clock so he can like have a bit of this. A bit of this. He can work his way around and constantly Be eating all of it?

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Rather than eat one then the other than the other.

[Nish Kumar]

No, that. That's fantastic. The guy's in fair. He deserves the money he has.

[James Acaster]

You wanted a Malbec when you came on the pod. That's true.

[Nish Kumar]

Yes. I'm drinking a Malbec right now. Now I've had two sips of it. Delicious.

[James Acaster]

That's what I imagine you were like at uni. Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

What? Counting my sips.

[James Acaster]

I've had two sips of this. Hey, hey.

[Ed Gamble]

Nip my habit.

[James Acaster]

I've had two sips of this. Delicious. Okay.

[Nish Kumar]

Good on you dish.

[James Acaster]

I'm thinking about learning about politics.

[Nish Kumar]

No way, man. I was too busy being the head of the kissing club.

[James Acaster]

You were the head of the debating society, which you found.

[Nish Kumar]

No, James, that was at school.

[James Acaster]

Oh, sorry man.

[Ed Gamble]

Didn't know.

[James Acaster]

That was when you were younger and cooler.

[Nish Kumar]

By the time I got to university I discovered something much more impressive to the chicas sketch comedy.

[James Acaster]

The cheek as. Oh yeah. You both did sketch comedy together. Forgot about that.

[Ed Gamble]

Pretty cool.

[James Acaster]

Tell them about one of your sketches.

[Nish Kumar]

No, there are all the too offensive. Every single one is too offensive or shit many. Both.

[James Acaster]

You want it to Malbec.

[Nish Kumar]

Oh yeah, I forgot we were doing off menu.

[James Acaster]

Greg Davis would like is what you're gonna have today. A strawberry milkshake with bourbon.

[Nish Kumar]

Fucking hell, man. Yeah, that guy lives like a French king.

[Ed Gamble]

Luckily it's never going to catch up with him.

[James Acaster]

Surely you'd love that. That's up your street.

[Nish Kumar]

A strawberry milkshake with bourbon does sound absolutely delicious. Like it does sound. That does sound really, really good. Is that. What is that? The alcohol that's normally in hard shakes.

[James Acaster]

It varies.

[Ed Gamble]

But I think it goes well in a hard shake because some of it's quite sweet.

[Nish Kumar]

Naturally.

[James Acaster]

Anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, we just. After I'd moved into my house, you came over and we decided to have old fashions. Do you remember my wife got back and we drunk an entire bottle of bourbon. I genuinely do not remember any of that night. You very happily just got the tube all the way home.

[Nish Kumar]

What I discovered is the tube ride from Ed's house to my house. I'm not going to dox us by telling any of you, let's face it, stalkers where we live. But it's the exact. I got on the tube and started playing Rumors by Fleetwood Mac. Fell asleep and I got. I woke up as I was coming into my stop and rumors had completely finished. It was a perfect tube ride. I like that.

[James Acaster]

There's probably at least one Real, like, obsessive in here. Who is like, right. Well, I guess I'm just riding every tube ride and listening to rumors until I figure it out. I'll get out at every stop.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's face it, we've got a lot of people in here who know the tube map off by heart.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, definitely. 100 fans. Know the tube map off by heart, Know every word to rumors. You can figure out where you guys live.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, it was. They were strong old fashions. Very strong old fashions.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I made them. Sorry. By the. I very diligently made the first one, you know, with the. With the sugar and the bitters and the whiskey and the. I was getting, like, the orange peel perfectly and doing the twist of orange and spritzing it with the orange. And then I ran out of orange. People, people, people. I ran out of.

[James Acaster]

Oh, let's not gloss over that.

[Nish Kumar]

The orange people. Ah, we're back to the boss of the Protestants.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, I ran out of orange peel, and by the end of the night, I was putting chunks of satsuma peel in there.

[James Acaster]

Now we'll just go straight onto the dessert, I think. Okay. So you wanted the peach cobbler, of course. Discontinued.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, discontinued. Rip forever in our hearts. And actually, the Idle Hands pie has changed recipes as well. The banana cream pie, it's better, though. It's really better now that banana cream

[James Acaster]

pie, this is delicious at Idle Hands. And this has shouted out on the podcast before. This is in Manchester and in Manchester, and I, you know, I'd have the banana cream pie there. Delicious. And then one day I went in and it said, brown butter banana cream pie. And I was like, oh, you've changed it. And they went, yeah, we were gonna do this ages ago, but Nish shouted it out, and then we couldn't change it because he'd shouted us out. So we've had to wait until we're in the clear and we can change it again. And then I had one mouthful, I was like, well, that's infinitely better. I fucking hate Nish for making me eat a word first pie.

[Nish Kumar]

For six months, they had a banana cream pie. They had artwork up in. In the cafe, and they had a banana cream pie drawing. And that drawing was gifted to me by Dave and Lucy, who run Idle Hands, and it's now up in my kitchen.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

And that was like. That was their way of saying goodbye to the old banana cream pie recipe. And every day.

[Ed Gamble]

Gave the poster to Tunish.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, it was. The new recipe is also delicious. It's a phenomenal all of their pies are incredible. I start getting like. Like Pavlov's dog. I start salivating as I pull into Manchester. Picadilly Station. Gets me in trouble with the police, I don't mind telling you. But, yeah, it's that all of their pies are so delicious. And every time any of us go, including all of our partners.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Anytime anyone is there, we all. Everyone gets a round robin text of what the latest pies are at Idle Hands.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Great.

[James Acaster]

It's great. But sometimes it can. The only time it got confusing is around Christmas. I went in and. And there was like a. You could get. Buy a whole pie. And my partner and I were thinking, oh, it'd be great if we could get, like, pie for Christmas. And I tried to. There wasn't the one that I wanted. So I said, my partner's gonna be here in about a week and she could pick up the pie for if you're still around. It's still open. And they went, no, we won't be able to do that. And I was like, okay, fine. I go away. Next day, Nish texts me, just come into Idle hands. And the owner says he's heard that you've asked for the pie and that they can't do it. So should I put you in touch? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be great. I got put in touch with the guy and he said, when do you want it? I said, next week. He went, oh, yeah, I can't do that.

[Nish Kumar]

Were you trying to get the cherry pie?

[James Acaster]

No, I was trying to get. They did a Christmas one that was kind of like a panettone, like cream pie. And it was so delicious.

[Nish Kumar]

I was not in control of that noise that was so involuntary,

[James Acaster]

But it was good.

[Ed Gamble]

Now and again, I do have to remind you that this is at the Royal Albert Hall. There's a moment where you guys are chatting and I was like, this is just like being in Nish's sitting room, quite frankly.

[Nish Kumar]

This is the vibe that these guys love. This is the exactly the sort of searing hot banter that's.

[James Acaster]

Not even half of them responded to that. That's the vibe these guys love.

[Ed Gamble]

All the Gervais fans left half an hour ago, mate.

[Nish Kumar]

And what's Greg's dessert?

[James Acaster]

You're going to be eating Greg's mum's lemon suet pudding, which I think he told us is not nice.

[Ed Gamble]

How do you feel about mum's lemon suet pudding now?

[Nish Kumar]

Suet?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

Is that fat?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Yes.

[Nish Kumar]

I'll tell you what.

[Ed Gamble]

You would make dumplings. You would make dumplings with suet. It doesn't.

[Nish Kumar]

It's not.

[James Acaster]

Not.

[Nish Kumar]

It's not immediately appealing.

[Ed Gamble]

No. So, I mean, I. Suet does sound very sort of like Victorian. It's very light. But suet pudding's a. Suet is the raw hard fat of beef, lamb or mutton found around the loins and kidneys. Thank you, Benito. It's much more appealing now, but it does make fantastic, like, puddings, I think.

[Nish Kumar]

Right, okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. My grandma used to make a bacon pudding with suet which was like bacon pudding.

[Nish Kumar]

Is your grandma Heston blue? That's incredible. So what is the lemon suit pudding?

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Can you.

[Nish Kumar]

I can't.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I'd imagine it'll be similar. It'll be quite sort of thick, textured, but almost like spongy as well. It'll have that sort of rich, fatty taste to it, but with a lot of lemon in it and a lot of sugar bubbling. I think there was a lot of talk about it, the sugar bubbling away in there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. His mum never really nailed the recipe, but he has to tell her it's nice. Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

One thing we know about Craig Dynamic Davis, he will slag off his mum.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Nish Kumar]

That's the one thing we know about

[Ed Gamble]

him, Gary, in an affectionate way.

[Michael]

For sure.

[Nish Kumar]

It sounds good.

[James Acaster]

Would you like to. Have you met Greg's mum?

[Nish Kumar]

No, I don't think I've ever.

[James Acaster]

Oh, you get on with people's parents, don't you?

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah, I'm a well nice, well born boy.

[Ed Gamble]

You're safe for that, I think. You know how you've got friends where you're like, they're a mum guy, but not too much of a mum guy.

[Nish Kumar]

Not in a. Not in a Stacy's Mama's Got It Going on kind of way.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. You can trust Nish to be like, introduce him to anyone's parents, there will be a full conversation going on.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah. I'd say that's true of all three of us.

[James Acaster]

We're all.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely not.

[Nish Kumar]

Why would you not introduce James to me?

[Ed Gamble]

I have.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah. And what did he do?

[Ed Gamble]

Nothing. You're fine. But you just. You do refuse to change your personality in front of parents.

[James Acaster]

Your dad doesn't change his personality either.

[Ed Gamble]

Very true. I mean, you two meeting is a real. It's a real clash of personalities. No, my parents love you, James. No, absolutely.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. No, but Nish is like, you know, my dad had a conversation with Nish once about Bob Dylan because they both like Bob Dylan.

[Nish Kumar]

Love Bob Dylan.

[James Acaster]

And afterwards, my dad was like that. Same to me. That was such a great conversation I had with Nish about Bob Dylan. I absolutely. He loved it. I was like, oh, good. And then the next day we're having breakfast and my dad was like, man, that conversation with Nish was so good. Okay, I'm glad you liked the conversation with Nish. And this. This was like 10 years ago.

[Nish Kumar]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Still to this day, if I ever chat with my dad about music, we'll talk about music for a while and then it will stop, and then there'll be a pause. He won't went. I loved it when I talked to Nish about.

[Nish Kumar]

What is sort of loosely devastating about that is. Your dad and I have had several conversations in the ensuing decade about music, but none of them has quite hit the spot for him in the way that that Dylan chat did. It was in our. It was in the flat we were living in in the Edinburgh fringe.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Nish Kumar]

But we never quite managed to hit. It's like heroin. Like, the first hit was so pure, and he's been chasing the dragon ever since.

[James Acaster]

But no one's. No one's reached those heights since. There's you. There's. When he talked to Matthew Crosby about the Straws, and then everyone else, hey,

[Ed Gamble]

man, what about me? When your dad came to see my Edinburgh show and afterwards, I said, did you enjoy it? And he went, I thought you were very leering.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. My parents didn't approve of Ed's Edinburgh show.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

My dad said he was leering and came across very leering. And my mum was sitting next to me, who's a Christian and boss of the Christians.

[Ed Gamble]

Boss, yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's better. Yeah. Fence of bed grills. And Ed had a whole bit about Jesus going, like, oh, Jesus looks really ripped on the cross and all that. And my mum was going, oh. Like, literally next to me, audibly going, oh. And then Ed went, like, Buddha's fat. And my mom went, Really loved it.

[Nish Kumar]

I saw Bob Dylan in this room.

[Ed Gamble]

So did I. Very briefly.

[Nish Kumar]

No, I. This is. No, no, this is.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I didn't go. Sorry, this is gonna be lying.

[Nish Kumar]

This is gonna wind me up. This is my. Greg Davis's dinner.

[Ed Gamble]

Right. I was doing a. For a while, there was a gig that ran at the Royal Albert hall, and they'd put you for the gig and they'd say, oh, you're doing a gig at the Royal Albert Hall. And you go, fucking hell, that's amazing. I'm, like, only a few years into my career, I get to do a gig at the Albert hall. And Then you arrive and it turns out it was in the cafe.

[Nish Kumar]

It wasn't even the cafe. It was in a function room, the

[Ed Gamble]

Elgar Room, just up there. And you do the gig. And in between going on and coming off or whatever, you could come into the Albert hall and stand up there and watch whatever was on. And I came in and I just saw the top of someone's head and I didn't know what song they were singing. It was just sort of quite garbled and. And then after watching it for about five minutes, audience who were just completely shocked and silent, I just heard the words blowing in the wind. And I was like, fuck me, that's Bob Dylan.

[Nish Kumar]

I saw him here and it was garbled and it was nonsense and it was the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. I saw him here recently. It was fucking amazing. But I did that gig in 2015, after Edinburgh, and 2015 was like my first Edinburgh that had, like, gone. Not I. It wasn't the first one that had gone well, but it was the first one that had gone really well. And, like, I was like, I'm feeling great. I've had a great month. And my first gig back was at the Royal Albert Hall. And I was like, fucking hell, I'm going to be like Dylan in 65. There's a very famous gig that he does here in 1965 that is the culmination of the documentary film Don't Look Back. It's a very, very famous gig. And I was like, jesus Christ, this is amazing. Go in, see the Elgar room, think, well, this is not quite what I dreamed of. Now I will say this is one of the most extraordinary venues in the world and it is a true honor for us to be here. That said, the soundproofing in some of the ancillary rooms is not optimum. And so when you were doing the comedy gig, you could just hear the music gig and you would just bomb. And it wasn't a bomb to silence, it was a bomb to whatever the music gig was. And the night I did it, it's was Dave Gilmore. And I have never bombed so badly in my life and had the song Comfortably Numb, that there is no bomb like that. Like, you tell a joke, it completely bombs. And then you just hear, there is no pain, you are receding. Hello, Is there anybody out there?

[Ed Gamble]

That was one of your lines, though, right?

[Nish Kumar]

Just nod if you can hear me. It was fucking Apple. I've never been heckled by the venue.

[James Acaster]

Well, what do you think of Greg Davis's menu there. Nish, you've had a lovely tasting menu there.

[Nish Kumar]

I think Greg Davis is a disgusting man. However, I am also a disgusting man. And so there was quite a lot of his menu. So I think he was deliberately trying to irritate you. And I would say that if he was more honest about it, he would have put the demi clock in as a starter. And if he puts the demi clock in as a starter, I'm on board with a lot of it. Obviously, I'm not on board with the steak and I've never fully seen the appeal of a steak. Like, I don't eat beef. I understand. I don't get it, but it just. When I think about meat that I enjoy, it tends to be seasoned or prepared in some way. It's very rarely just like a slab of flavorless chicken. Apart from when we go to Nando's with James. But it's. But apart from the steak, I would actually say I enjoyed every element of that menu. I think this strawberry milkshake with bourbon sounds genuinely delicious. I think the demi clock sounds delicious. I think the soup pudding sounds good. I would love for someone maybe other than his mum, to cook it. By the sounds of things, she hasn't quite nailed the recipe.

[James Acaster]

But.

[Nish Kumar]

But apart from that, I thought the menu was fantastic. However, I will not be eating the steak because I am. And we can exclusively reveal this now. The Boss of the Hindus.

[Ed Gamble]

The boss.

[Nish Kumar]

Boss of the Hindus.

[Ed Gamble]

Give it up for the Boss of the Hindus. Nishkuma. Nishkuma. Guys, thank you so much for coming to the final night of the Royal Abba Hall. If you've come to more than one show, thank you so much. You've been incredible audiences is. Thank you for coming out of Monday. Good night. Well, there we are. The final Royal Apple hall show. Done. And what a guest.

[James Acaster]

It's Nish.

[Ed Gamble]

It's niche.

[James Acaster]

Can't go wrong with Nish. Nish.co.uk of course, he's on tour every website.

[Ed Gamble]

Angry. Angry Humor. I'm gonna plug the thing that we're supposed to be plugging and then then people can go to the website. Angry Humor from a really nice guy is Nish's latest Tour. He hosts Pod Save the UK. He has a YouTube special. Nish, don't kill my Vibe. There's. You can fill your days with Nish content.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. There's so much NishKilmi.co.uk. thank you, Nish. Anything else to add? I mean, I guess, you know, thanks to the Royal Albert hall for having us on.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

For six shows in a.

[Michael]

You.

[James Acaster]

That meant a lot that you lowered yourself to that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Thanks to all the staff at the Royal Albert Hall. They're all amazing. While we're there, let's have some lovely little drinks in the bar.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, the bar's looking good, guys.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, really appreciate that. Thank you to Ben and everyone at Plosive.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Doing an amazing job.

[Ed Gamble]

Bonito.

[James Acaster]

Bonito. And I guess also just thanks again to all of our guests. Guests who came on and everyone who came to watch the show. Yes, the audience. You were all fantastic. Thanks to everyone who talked to us as well during the first halves and put up with us being rude to you.

[Ed Gamble]

So rude. Sorry.

[James Acaster]

Yes. And of course, thank you to Charlie and the crew. Now that's the whole. It's a big live team that puts up all of the. There's a whole, like, stage set. We've got like, massive giant popper doms and massive giant, like, I think like a cheesecake or whatever. And like.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, huge. And it was even bigger for this Royal Albert hall run. There was, like, stuff in the choir section and we put all that up and then we released them in audio.

[James Acaster]

Yes. But Charlie and the crew, you guys put them all up. Yeah. Really appreciate that. You gotta go around in a lorry. Yeah. With our stage set.

[Ed Gamble]

Cause we make them after every show at the Royal Albert Hall. We made them pack it all up, drive around the block and then put

[James Acaster]

it all back up again every time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Thanks to Jilly.

[James Acaster]

Thanks to Gilly, of course, who. I mean, normally I'd say tour manager, but this wasn't a tour. So what does that mean? Stage manager?

[Ed Gamble]

Stage manager, I guess.

[James Acaster]

I think so. Exceptional job.

[Ed Gamble]

Great coffee.

[James Acaster]

Great coffee. Jilly brought in the coffees. And today, by the way, and not to take away from Gilly, Benito's made us some really nice coffee. Just like, just for doing these intros and outros that we've been recording. And to begin with, he didn't want to accept the compliment. We told him how good the coffee was.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it's difficult, I think, when you've made as many coffees for us as Benito has to suddenly, one day, about five years in for to go, oh, that's nice.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And he was like, this is what I make all the time. He's so angry.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a new bag of beans, maybe. It's a new bag of beans.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it might be a new bag of beans, maybe. But I make this for you every time, guys. And then he Had a sip, he went, oh, that is nice little sip. And he realized it was nice coffee.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You couldn't deny it. So, you know. But Jilly makes a nice cup every time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. And Jilly does many other things besides, by the way. I don't. So that's not Jelly's job. Nice.

[James Acaster]

Above and beyond.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Doesn't need to do that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Would also like. There was moments in the shows, like any time that something suddenly appears out of nowhere that a guest has mentioned, that's because Jenny suddenly managed to get it, you know, delivered to the venue. So everyone played a blinder. I'd say.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, absolutely.

[James Acaster]

So that was the off menu. Live shows at the Royal Albert Hall.

[Ed Gamble]

And thank you to the Snitch.

[James Acaster]

Oh, come on.

[Michael]

Owner.

[James Acaster]

The Snitch was there taking photos. Paul Gilby snapping away, taking the photographs. You probably see him online.

[Ed Gamble]

He's got a real talent, that guy. The Snitch knows exactly where to be and what angle to be at to make me look disgusting. And I respect that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, luckily for me, I'm just jumping around all the time at the Royal Albert hall or any live show. So it's just I completely sign off on whatever. Like I'm not gonna look good. I'm literally in midair. The Snitch goes in my 40s.

[Ed Gamble]

Could we turn the lights down a little bit to make Ed look like a sea hag?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. That's what this niche likes. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you. Bye bye.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Michael]

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[James Acaster]

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[Nish Kumar]

He shoots no

[James Acaster]

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[Nish Kumar]

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