Phil Ellis

Summary

Podcast Summary: Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster, Series 16 Ep 1 – Phil Ellis

Release Date: July 15, 2026
Host: Plosive
Guest: Phil Ellis (Comedian, Taskmaster star)

---

Episode Overview

The sixteenth series of Off Menu kicks off with chaotic comedian Phil Ellis as the guest. Ed and James invite him into their imaginary dream restaurant to select his ideal starter, main, side, dessert, and drink. This episode is a classic Off Menu cocktail of surreal food chat, daft tangents, Phil’s tales of disastrous meals and odd habits, and robust working-class Northern energy. Ellis, notorious for grim culinary choices and bleak anecdotes, brings a menu as peculiar as it is honest.

---

Main Themes & Structure

• Phil’s relationship with food: Perpetually “beige,” simple, and slightly traumatic; fussy about “sauces” and food touching.
• Nostalgia and class: Stories of family, frugality, weather spoons breakfasts, and finding joy in mundane meals.
• Ridiculous tangents: From eating roadkill to stealing raw breakfasts and leftover bones, with a generous sprinkling of self-deprecating humor.
• Comedic banter: Ed and James riff on working-class food rituals, British culture, and the absurd drama of selecting a “dream menu.”

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Secret Ingredient

• [01:59] This week’s “forbidden ingredient” is Lem Sip (cold/flu drink), suggested by past guest Rod Gilbert. If the guest picks Lem Sip, they're ejected.

  “Lem Sip is the secret ingredient, actually suggested by Rod Gilbert. And he’s right. It’s gross.” – Ed Gamble [02:02]

---

Phil’s Food Habits, Family & Upbringing

• Military dad, fussy kitchen: Phil jokes about being from a military family, but reveals a lifelong aversion to sauces, food touching, and excessive “pushing” as a child.

  “I think because my mum and dad had quite hard upbringings, they didn’t want to push anything on me. So when I went ‘I don’t like that,’ they’d go ‘that’s all right then.’” – Phil Ellis [07:56]

• Beige food fixation: Grew up posting “beige” meals online for laughs, but admits: “After a while it made me sad... The best meal I prepared was plain spaghetti and a pork chop, and I didn’t realize how bleak it looked.” [07:15]

• Food separation anxiety: Phil shares horror at food mixing on the plate, especially sweet carrots touching a roast. “I spent the whole dinner scraping carrot off every item. You have to get your napkin out to clean a pig in blanket before you eat it.” [09:23]

---

Tales from the Road & Tours

• Disastrous breakfast story: Phil recounts being forced to eat a nearly raw breakfast at a friend’s house (codename “Graham”), resorting to hiding uncooked sausages and eggs in his rucksack and boot to avoid insulting the host.

  “I had my rucksack... so I keep taking bits when he’s not in the room and putting them in my rucksack... I had to empty this uncooked breakfast into the boot of my car because I couldn’t take it in his car.” – Phil Ellis [12:25-14:05]

• Tour show "Bath Mat": Phil describes his new show and most remote gigs, like stepping over a peacock in a shopping center, attesting to the randomness of British live comedy touring. [17:00-19:20]

---

Menu Choices Breakdown

Water: Still, Tap (Not Sparkling)

• “Sparkling water never quenches my thirst. There should be something else going on in it, like syrup.” – Phil Ellis [21:24]

Bread Course: Sausage & Egg Baton

• The best bread he ever had was a soft Lake District baton filled with pork sausage and egg. “Put a lovely egg in it... It was the nicest thing. My mouth’s watering.” [28:36]

Starter: Tinned Oxtail Soup (Aldi’s Own, Carrots Fished Out)

• Soup triggers debate over what constitutes “a sauce,” with Phil defensive: “I’m not pouring the oxtail soup on anything. It’s in a bowl.” [36:34]
• Ritual is to microwave the tinned soup, “flipping” out the carrot bits into the sink, and ensuring it’s just right.

  “Open the tin carefully and you can scoop all [the carrots] out before you start...” [37:06]

Main Course: Tomahawk Steak (Had in Italy, Lake Garda)

• The steak that moved him to tears (almost): won via a competition, stayed in a Lake Garda “shali.”
• “Nothing with it,” no sides except a possible peppercorn sauce strictly “on the side.”

  “It was so well cooked and everything that I got really emotional. And it was really nice. Nothing with it.” [47:36]

• Clarifies: medium rare, “very salty,” but “don’t want the bloke coming out and pouring it down his arm.” (Salt Bae discussion) [51:09]

Side: Poached Egg on White Toast (Aldi’s Own)

• At first just a poached egg, then clarified: “with toast – not just a dry egg.” [60:09]
• Toast must be “not too wet; kitchen towel under the egg before serving.” [60:08]

Drink: Malbec (Upgraded from Wetherspoons Pinot Grigio/Guinness)

• After much dithering, decides if it’s free, "I’ll have a Malbec, please." [69:44]
• Would also like Pinot Grigio and Guinness taps “attached to the table,” referencing Wetherspoons two-for-one deal days, and fond memories of budgeting on tour.

  “Your dream drink is an entire Wetherspoons bar attached to the table?” – James Acaster [69:58]

Dessert: Sara Lee Triple Chocolate Gateau (Whole)

• The nostalgic king of freezer desserts. Wants a whole gateau to himself, curtain drawn.

  “You see my putting my hand in it, like pushing my hand in it.” [75:20]

• Sarah Lee Gateau taught Phil “the value of patience.” [74:53]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• “Do you want to die? You want to live forever?” – Phil as a WWI soldier, riffing on film cliches [05:31]
• “Raw meat in your rucksack...” – Ed Gamble, summarizing Phil’s breakfast fiasco [12:25]
• “[Poached egg] is the egg’s a sauce.” – Phil Ellis [61:51]
• “Are you chewing the bone?” – Ed Gamble, discussing steak (and Phil’s family saving him gnawed bones) [58:31]
• “I’d be like, ready for salt, and just go on my ass crack.” – Phil’s parody of Salt Bae [53:54]
• “What’s the earliest you’ve had a pint alone?” – Phil, probing for dark confessions [32:49]
• “I think of all the king of frozen desserts…it’s Viennetta for me.” – Ed Gamble (prompting debate about iconic British puddings) [73:10]
• “Hearing it back, I do see how that could seem a bit bleak...” – Phil, after his full menu is recited [77:00]

---

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [02:30] – Series 16 debut, Lem Sip as secret ingredient
• [03:04] – Phil enters; Taskmaster, queuing/jumping, Strictly tangent
• [07:15] – Phil’s beige food phase and aversion to sauces
• [12:25] – Hiding raw breakfast in rucksack/boot (“Graham” story)
• [20:03] – Still/tap water, debate on sparkling
• [28:36] – Bread course: sausage and egg baton from Lake District
• [35:06] – Starter: oxtail soup ritual, Aldi vs. Heinz, no carrots
• [47:50] – Main: Tomahawk steak in Italy, roadkill/rabbit anecdote
• [59:54] – Side: poached egg on toast, fried eggs before a night out
• [65:36] – Dream drink debate (Malbec, Pinot Grigio, Guinness, Wetherspoons bar)
• [71:12] – Dessert: Sara Lee gateau, nostalgia, patience lesson
• [76:12] – Menu recap and group reflection (“that could seem a bit bleak...”)

---

Phil’s Menu (in Full)

• Water: Still, tap
• Bread: Sausage & egg baton (Lake District deli)
• Starter: Aldi’s Own tinned oxtail soup, carrots scooped out, microwaved 2.5 mins
• Main: Tomahawk steak (Lake Garda, Italy), medium rare, very salty, no sides
• Side: Poached egg (Aldi’s white toast), kitchen-towel dried
• Drink: Malbec (also Pinot Grigio and Guinness “taps”)
• Dessert: Whole Sara Lee triple chocolate gateau, eaten alone (with optional curtain)

---

Tone & Language

• Warm, self-deprecating, ribbing, and “bleak-comic” Northerner style
• Frequent meta-commentary: Phil self-mocking, Ed and James gently outraged/amused
• Gritty, blokey humor, but ultimately affectionate and nostalgic
• Consistent surreal digressions and comic fantasizing (e.g. Phil as Salt Bae, Billy Elliot’s dad, Wetherspoons bar on tap)

---

Final Thoughts

Phil Ellis’ Off Menu appearance is quintessentially “Phil”—strange, endearing, a bit gross, with a heavy dose of British working-class culinary nostalgia and an undercurrent of gentle melancholy. His choices paint a picture of a man who finds comfort and humor in the familiar, even (or especially) if it’s a little bleak. The episode is a masterclass in odd confessions, running gags, and affectionate banter, setting the tone for another season of Off Menu’s unlikely restaurant magic.

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

Is your kid's birthday coming up? Don't stress the prep. The party shop at Michael's is your one stop. Shop for every theme from bluey to rodeo. Transform your space into a birthday wonderland with dreamworthy tablescapes and decor starting at $0.99 plus get free helium inflation on select balloon styles. Whether you're crafting a one of a kind bash or grabbing the essentials, Michaels has everything to make their big day legendary. Shop now and order ahead for delivery or in store pickup. Michaels, everything to celebrate anything.

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome to the off menu podcast. Injecting the cheese of conversation into the sausage of humor. Wrapping it in the bacon of the Internet, Deep frying it in the oil of love and putting it in the bun of podcast. Sort of like a deep fried bacon wrapped cheese sausage bun. James, does that sound nice?

[James Acaster]

That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. Every single week, inviting a guest and asking their favorite ever start a maple dessert side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is Phil Ellis.

[Ed Gamble]

We love Phil Ellis, a wonderful comedian and agent of chaos. Star of Taskmaster. Also star of his new tour show Bath Matt. Bath Matt.

[James Acaster]

Go and see it. Go and get tickets. Go and laugh at Phil Ellis live.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he's so funny and he's so lovely. I can't wait to chat to him. But of course we will kick him out because there's a secret ingredient that we've already agreed upon. Again, this will be a very funny.

[James Acaster]

We've agreed upon it.

[Ed Gamble]

We've agreed upon it.

[James Acaster]

Not Phil.

[Ed Gamble]

Not Phil.

[James Acaster]

He doesn't know what it is.

[Ed Gamble]

No, Phil's got no idea. And he would be a great person to kick out.

[James Acaster]

It would be absolutely great to kick out. It'll be gutted. But he'll also love it. And this week the secret ingredient is.

[Ed Gamble]

Lem Sip is the secret ingredient.

[James Acaster]

It's actually suggested by a previous guest at Rod Gilbert.

[Ed Gamble]

Rod Gilbert, Welsh comedian in a live

[James Acaster]

episode suggested that we should choose Lem Sip. And he's right. It's gross.

[Ed Gamble]

It's nice. I like it. Look forward to being ill. Crazy.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely crazy, this guy. But. Well, let's hope that Phil Ellis doesn't share those sentiments because otherwise he might choose Lemon Sip and we'll have to kick him out. So yeah, that would be a shame if Rod basically got Phil kicked out of the dream restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

I had extra lemons to it. Would you believe it? It's the first episode of series 16.

[James Acaster]

I don't believe it.

[Ed Gamble]

No, James doesn't believe it. He can't believe he's still here.

[James Acaster]

Oh, my God.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm on tour. Edgamble.co.uk for tickets. Fresh. Hell,

[James Acaster]

yeah. Go and see that show.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the off menu menu of Phil.

[James Acaster]

Like,

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome, Phil, to the Dream Restaurant.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yay.

[Phil Ellis]

Thanks for having me.

[James Acaster]

Welcome, fellas, to the Dream Restaurant. But it's been here for some time.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, well, it's nice to finally make it down to the front of the queue.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. You're at the front of the queue.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Skip the queue because you've been on Taskmaster. So that's straight in. That's the golden ticket.

[Phil Ellis]

I've pushed some really hungry people out the way.

[James Acaster]

People go down the queue and they're like, anyone on their own? Is anyone on their own? Put you on the counter.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I'm like, no one's bothered about Strictly two years ago, mate. Out the way season.

[Ed Gamble]

Phil, you're saying you did Strictly two years ago?

[Phil Ellis]

No, I'll just pretend I'm pushing someone out of the way.

[Ed Gamble]

Who are you pushing out the way?

[Phil Ellis]

I don't know. I didn't watch it. But I hope you're doing all right.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Would you just. Strictly.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd do anything. I'd love to see you on Strictly.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, it'd be great. I think on ice would be better for me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Just get me out there barefoot. Barefoot, sliding around, trying to get a grip.

[James Acaster]

Skinning the soles of your feet on the.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah. I've never been. I once went ice skating with my dad and he. The way he taught us was he said, just walk around the edge and hold onto that rail.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that was. It didn't build up from.

[Phil Ellis]

No, weirdly, no. I never took it on after that.

[James Acaster]

What's your dad like?

[Phil Ellis]

5 foot 7. He looks like when Dick Van Dyke did Diagnosis Murder. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he looked like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

He was an orphan. Still is an orphan.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Dr. 85.

[Ed Gamble]

You can never go back, really, can you?

[Phil Ellis]

Not really. One orphan. Yeah. Once you get into your twenties, that's you. Orphan for life.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Permanent orphan.

[Phil Ellis]

And, yeah, he's a good, good man, you know, a military man.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

But, yeah, he's still really fit, which is odd, like, because he holds himself. I've realized if you're old, the way you look younger as you do this,

[Ed Gamble]

you change your posture.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah. Just push your shoulders back.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Walk with purpose.

[James Acaster]

That is good.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You don't. To me, and this is not an insult, but you don't seem like you're from a military family.

[Phil Ellis]

Do you see the shininess of those shoes?

[Ed Gamble]

That's true.

[James Acaster]

Very shiny shoes. Yes. And I don't know if you. If you just got rid of the burns. I can see you in the army.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

If you're just listening to this, by the way, Phil is horribly burned.

[James Acaster]

Yes, yes. Sorry.

[Phil Ellis]

I've been very save those children cavalier about it. When I brought it up, you weren't going back.

[James Acaster]

I could see like, you know, like a World War I film.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Phil could be a good soldier in

[Phil Ellis]

the end, but I'd die in the first scene, wouldn't I? I'd be the guy going, come on, everyone. You want to die? You want to live forever?

[Ed Gamble]

You want to die? You want to die?

[James Acaster]

Follow me.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want to die?

[James Acaster]

You want to die?

[Ed Gamble]

Followed by, do you want to live forever?

[Phil Ellis]

There's only two options.

[James Acaster]

I would not follow that man into battle.

[Ed Gamble]

No way.

[James Acaster]

Just going over the top. Come on, everyone. You wanna die? And then corrected himself to want to live forever. Good job none of us followed him because. Come on. Everywhere you want to die? Is the last thing I want to hear. Is someone coming home for them.

[Phil Ellis]

Would you get back in that kitchen? Let's put that gun down. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Would you have played football on Christmas Day in World War I?

[Phil Ellis]

I reckon I'd be on the subs bench.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I wrote a short film once, which was that, which was just. It was like you had to do a thing for Skylight Fellas's Christmas. So I wrote a script.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Didn't get picked up. And it was just me on the subs bench, not getting picked for the entire football.

[James Acaster]

That's good.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a good idea.

[James Acaster]

Really good.

[Phil Ellis]

And eventually the ball rolls out of play.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And I pop it and it restarts the wall. So I think this is good. Brilliant.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. That's probably why it didn't get commissioned. It was. That was that one when you restart the war for a lot.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. And you scream. You screamed, you want to die? And then pop.

[James Acaster]

You want to die?

[Phil Ellis]

Do you want to die? Join the army.

[James Acaster]

You mentioned being a cook there in the kitchen. Do you like food? Do you cook yourself?

[Phil Ellis]

Never cook myself.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

Why are you always working? Yeah, good. Yeah. Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I am actually cooking in this stupid leather jacket, actually.

[James Acaster]

We do know you do you used to post pictures of your dinners online.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

They were beige. They were exclusively beige. You only ate beige food, right?

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

It's quite grim, actually. I. Well, yeah, I really. I did it For a bit of a laugh after. But after a while it made me sad because. Yeah, so I like. The best meal I think I prepared was plain spaghetti and a pork chop. And I didn't realize how bleak it looked. Oh, and boiled carrots, just sliced.

[Ed Gamble]

Nice bit of color, at least.

[Phil Ellis]

Well, yeah, but it's.

[James Acaster]

It's still really make it pop. Isn't pop amongst the.

[Phil Ellis]

I mean, it's a beige.

[James Acaster]

Boy, I can't imagine that tasted good, Phil.

[Phil Ellis]

No, no, it didn't. But, you know, I was probably drunk.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So this is you. You get drunk and you make beige food. This is the. The cooking show.

[Phil Ellis]

I think I've just quite bought. Well, growing up, I didn't like sources and like, at all. I mean, it's not changed since, sadly. But. And. And my mum. I think because my mum and dad had quite hard upbringing, they didn't want to push anything on me. So when I went, I don't like that. They'd go, that's all right then. But a cup. You sit there with that piece of bread.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

You're our special little soldier. Do you want to die?

[James Acaster]

So. So you don't really cook now?

[Phil Ellis]

No, I do, but again, it's still beige.

[James Acaster]

Is it still beige?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. Well, I cooked. I roasted a chicken yesterday.

[James Acaster]

Beige.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, beige. Put a potato next to it.

[Ed Gamble]

Beige.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. Slightly overcooked, so even like more beige. And on the side, a beige stone. Nice little bit of grit. What did I have with it?

[Ed Gamble]

Bread sauce?

[Phil Ellis]

No, I made cheese. I made cheese sauce. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So, you know, you're saying you don't like sauces, but there's this cheese sauce.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, yeah. But it doesn't count as it. It's just runny cheese.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah. It's just melted cheese. Really? Cheese sauce.

[James Acaster]

Was that on the potato?

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, no, I kept it away.

[Ed Gamble]

So do you not like things touching each other?

[Phil Ellis]

No. Yeah. So I went for one of those roast dinners, you know, doing Yorkshire pudding.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And. But they'd use. The base layer was like a sweet carrot, like carrot cooked in honey.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Phil Ellis]

Like carrot and turnip. But they. But they'd smothered the entire Yorkshire pudding in it and then put the roast dinner on top. So I had to just leave the roast pudding. The roast, the Yorkshire pudding.

[James Acaster]

It touched all the other things.

[Phil Ellis]

It touched everything else. Yeah. So I just spent the whole dinner just scraping carrot off every item. It's horrible. You have to get your napkin out to clean a pig in blanket before you eat it. It's not a good dinner, is it?

[Ed Gamble]

So you're fuss. Like a fussy eater, would you say? Or just specific.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. And I think I. I think I need to be pushed into something. If I was. If I was trying to impress someone, say that like a big Hollywood producer and they're like, hey, I want to come have some grits. I don't want grits. Do you want to come and have dinner?

[James Acaster]

Hey, you want to come have some grits? Grits.

[Phil Ellis]

Is that a meal?

[Ed Gamble]

Like all the big Hollywood producers, your characters.

[Phil Ellis]

He's got a 10.

[Ed Gamble]

We want to sign you up.

[Phil Ellis]

Beverly Hills Cup, 12 Johnson Grits.

[Ed Gamble]

The only test you don't need to audition. All we want to know how you answer this question will be very important for your future in Hollywood. Do you want some grits?

[Phil Ellis]

A little bit of sauce on that? My wife's homemade sauce.

[James Acaster]

Oh, wow. Way to Papa Lazaree there. Bearded. The papa Lazarus.

[Ed Gamble]

So unspecific as well. Just my wife's homemade sauce. So if. If that. The Hollywood producer said, you want some grits with my wife's homemade sauce, I'd

[Phil Ellis]

be like, God, these grits. And the sauce really complements the grits.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you be able to eat. Eat them and keep it. Keep a straight face?

[Phil Ellis]

I think so. I don't know. I had. Have you ever had a meal prepare for you that's so bad, but you don't want to be rude. The worst. I can't tell this because I think I mentioned it once and he got really upset. All right, I'll change his name.

[Ed Gamble]

Graham.

[Phil Ellis]

And he'd made me. And he's a really lovely guy and he's a very good friend of mine.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Because I've got a feel he'll watch this because he watches. Tend to watch podcasts and I respect you very much. And we made me the worst breakfast ever once at his house. And everything was raw and it was like. And he'd be there. He put a raw sausage in the thing. And then you'd be like, oh, I need be. Swung it around. And I go, all right. I said, well, maybe you want to cut that a bit more. But I know you don't. They don't really need to be cooked anyway. Sausages. I'm like, they really do. Like. It's not a. That's not a thing, is it?

[James Acaster]

Sausages?

[Phil Ellis]

You don't have to cook them all the way through.

[Ed Gamble]

I've never. I'd say sausages are one of the things you definitely need.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. One of the main ones.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And the Bacon. It's like you just sort of put the bacon in the pan and just sort of ran it out and then put it on the plate. It's like it didn't stop moving. And it was. And I was just watching it going, I can't eat. I don't know what to do about this. And he's such a nice guy. And he was, like, going, don't you. Or you sit down, enjoy yourself. I've got breakfast. And he's not washed his raw fingers on the toast and that. The egg. The egg again, just went near the pan, I think. Just sort of went, there's a pan. Did you want to go in that? The egg went, no. Do you know what? Just pop me straight on the plate, mate. So I sat there with this nightmare of. For me, because I'm really weird about food being cooked properly. And then there were beans on it. I can't eat beans. And I don't know what the fuck. And then he just sort of sat on a chair, but he'd angled it to look at me whilst I ate the breakfast as well. Well, but then he had to keep leaving the room to do stuff. And I had my rucksack because I'd stayed at his felt. So I keep taking bits when he's not in the room and putting them in my rucksack.

[Ed Gamble]

Raw meat in your rocks.

[Phil Ellis]

Raw, mate. In my rocks. Because I thought, well, look, I'm gonna go into town in a minute.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

On my own, and I'll just go to the bin at the bus stop and I'll put the whole rucksack. I was thinking more like the Great

[James Acaster]

Escape Disposal Unit come to get rid of your rucksackers. There's a raw breakfast in there screaming,

[Ed Gamble]

do you want to die? As you put another sausage in your mouth.

[James Acaster]

Do you want to die? But, like, where were you putting it in the rucksack? Was there a little, like, pocket that you could put the whole breakfast in?

[Phil Ellis]

There was a little side pocket.

[James Acaster]

So you didn't contaminate the entire rucksack.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, I wasn't putting it with my fresh socks in the main one in

[James Acaster]

the main compartment, but I put it

[Phil Ellis]

with this movie script.

[Ed Gamble]

That's very nice of you, Phil, to do that because you didn't want to upset him.

[Phil Ellis]

Well, yeah. And then it kind of gone quite well because he kept going for a cigarette and then he was doing something else. I was getting this guy.

[Ed Gamble]

Who's this guy? Who's this guy?

[James Acaster]

He's like a character in it. Like, this is A video game.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And the challenge was to get it all in your rucksack. Constantly leaving the room for no reason. I'm just gonna do this, like, more than anyone would ever leave the room.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's like Monkey island or something.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly like Monkey Island. Your guy brushes freak. He's going in and out the room.

[Phil Ellis]

Have to keep scaring a parrot. So he goes, yeah, yeah, more beans, more beans. But I got rid of most of it and left, like, a little bit to make it look like I was like, oh, I'm so full, I can't possibly finish that raw egg. And again, I love you so much. You're a brilliant guy. And. And so I went, right. And then I thought, well, I can just walk there now. And then he went. And I had my car. I was leaving my car outside his house, and he went, hey, I'll give you a lift. And I'm like, I can't get in his car because he's going to smell the breakfast.

[Ed Gamble]

Smell the royal breakfast.

[Phil Ellis]

He's built to smell all the breakfast sloshing around. See all this grease? So I had to go in my boot and go, I'm just gonna get some out my boot. And I had to empty this uncooked breakfast into the boot of my car because I couldn't take it in his car.

[Ed Gamble]

None of these choices are good to

[James Acaster]

drive to wherever you were going. Why don't you just.

[Phil Ellis]

Because you can't park in whatever city center this was. You couldn't park in that city center.

[Ed Gamble]

I love you. Keeping it vague. Even though he definitely knows.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. I love you so much. You're such a good person.

[James Acaster]

But you've already said it on another podcast. He knows this.

[Ed Gamble]

Him.

[Phil Ellis]

And I put it all in the boot, and I managed to get it all out, but it was the middle of summer, and I had to leave my car there for, like, three days. And I just remembered as he drove away, I was like, I just left, like, just got a. An uncut breakfast in the boot, and I had to go back and try on it. Absolutely.

[Ed Gamble]

It's like an experiment. See what would happen to a dog if you left it in a hot car.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I left the window open for the sausage.

[Ed Gamble]

Perfectly cooked breakfast.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. To perfection. The most delicious breakfast you've ever had.

[Phil Ellis]

Played the long game.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I can't wait to see what Phil's picked up.

[James Acaster]

I can't wait to hear it. But we should talk about Phil's show.

[Ed Gamble]

We should. Absolutely.

[Phil Ellis]

Sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

Your new tour. Bath Mat. Phil.

[Phil Ellis]

Yes, I'D say Bath Mat, but I don't want to fall out. Thank you for having me on the show.

[James Acaster]

I.

[Ed Gamble]

If. If I. If I went Bath Mat, if I went. Me. If I went your new show, Bath Mat would be awful.

[Phil Ellis]

No, you're right. Likewise. If I went. Well, Bath Mat, actually.

[Ed Gamble]

Ed B. Mat.

[Phil Ellis]

No, you're right. I don't know. I think I got nervous. I was trying to show off. Trying to show off in front of my mates.

[James Acaster]

Mission accomplished.

[Phil Ellis]

What am I going in my phone for? Yeah. Bath Matt.

[Ed Gamble]

Out of everyone. Out of everyone who's been in this new camera setup that we've got here.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You're the one who's held gaze directly down the camera.

[James Acaster]

It's like. It's like you have been captured and you're just like, just talking directly to the camera. Terrified. You just got your phone out for no reason.

[Phil Ellis]

Come on. The ransom's only 12 quid. Sharpening things. Tell us.

[Ed Gamble]

Tell us about Bathmat, Phil.

[Phil Ellis]

Well, Bathmat is my new tour.

[Ed Gamble]

What you like, Phil? It's fine.

[James Acaster]

Whatever you want to do, mate.

[Phil Ellis]

It's hard when someone holds a. Holds like a mirror up to you and you go, yeah. What is wrong with me? Why do I have to do. That's why. That's why I hate those new doorbells.

[James Acaster]

Ringing it.

[Phil Ellis]

You're right. Are you in, Sandra?

[James Acaster]

Straight down the barrel.

[Phil Ellis]

Still looking at the doorbell. Yeah. Night, Keith. Yeah. Can you send me this? We transfer this clip to me. I'll put it online. Yeah, sorry. The Bath Mat tour is. It's my new tour. Did you. All over the uk.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Where's the most, like, you know, off the beaten track place that you go into? Great question.

[Phil Ellis]

That is a good question. But then, does. Am I like. Am I slagging off the town? If I say I think they know

[James Acaster]

they're off the beaten track, they'll be appreciative that you're going there because not many tour shows go there and I

[Ed Gamble]

don't think it's an insult, say someone's off the beaten track.

[Phil Ellis]

No, no, you're right. Okay, okay, Cool, cool, cool. What about. Is Colchester off the beaten track?

[James Acaster]

I mean, I said, what's the most off the beaten track that could be the most off the beaten track?

[Phil Ellis]

I don't know. Oh, God, I don't know. I don't know. Because a lot of those I tried in my last tour and I refused to go back to them.

[James Acaster]

But, yeah, sure, that's insulting.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, yeah. When they're horrible people.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So if you're not going there,

[Phil Ellis]

they

[James Acaster]

know that you should be a. Phil's been there before.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

If he's not been there before, it's not personal. But if Phil has been to your city or town and he's not come back, it is for a reason.

[Ed Gamble]

And that goes for us as well, by the way.

[James Acaster]

Well, they know it goes for me. I, I tell, I tell them I'm never coming back here again on stage. Bridport know that. And that was last week.

[Phil Ellis]

Name and shame. Oh, you did.

[Ed Gamble]

I live, I live for the text from James when he's on tour.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, really?

[Ed Gamble]

About, about the places.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I love it.

[Phil Ellis]

And do you blame the town, all the people in the town? You just go, that entire town is now dead to me.

[James Acaster]

No, I just go, whatever was going on in that room, I'm never being a part of that again. Whatever happened, forget it. You know, so sometimes I know it's me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So I don't, you know, that's. That's not them. That was absolutely, you know, I was in a bad mood. But sometimes I'm like, no, that was definitely. That was unwindable. I'm never going back there again.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, I, I did one, one torch the last tour I did when I was dressed as a cat and dress as a cat.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And it was funny in Edinburgh when you couldn't see me in this skin tight cat suit. When you're on tour and you're quite well lit with a stage, it was rank like, because it really hugged the body and it was like the only show that people wanted. A restricted view. Can I be behind a pillar? Oh, God. But like. And I went to this one town, I won't name it, but before the gig, had a bit of time to kill so I thought I'll go and get like a Pepsi or something from the shopping center. And I had to step over a peacock in the shopping center. I was like, this is not going to go well if I have to step over a peacock before a gig.

[Ed Gamble]

How do you dress as a cat when you're stopping? Oh, not the proudly peacock shit in itself. You sure it was a peacock? It might have been another comedian doing a show in a different.

[James Acaster]

Could have been on their way to do the art center. Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Look at him stepping over his support. Yeah, don't be peacocking out there.

[James Acaster]

I'm the main act.

[Phil Ellis]

Keep them feathers down.

[James Acaster]

Straight to the camera.

[Phil Ellis]

I'm gonna try move it.

[James Acaster]

I love it.

[Ed Gamble]

I absolutely love it.

[James Acaster]

Can't move it, Phil. It's there. Well, we always start with still. A sparkling water fill.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, still water, please.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. There's no way I thought you'd go spark.

[Ed Gamble]

No, really. No way.

[Phil Ellis]

Do you ever put, like a little bat on? You should have a little book, shouldn't you?

[James Acaster]

We should. We. We should, you know, make it interesting for ourselves. Do a little sweepstake before every. Every guest comes on.

[Ed Gamble]

But you were dead, sir. Still water tap.

[James Acaster]

Yep, tap. Yeah, Puddle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Puddle next to a bus stop.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

No, no, no, don't give me a cup.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you just stand. You stand next to a bus stop where there's like a puddle in the gutter and you just open your mouth when a bus comes along. That's how you want to die.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, that was a leaf.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Straight down the camera, straight down the canvas with the impression of spitting out the leaf and saying, that was my favorite bit. But you got to chop that up and make a gift. He'll go, that was a leaf. Straight into the camera.

[Ed Gamble]

He's writing it down.

[James Acaster]

He's writing it down. Make a gif of it.

[Phil Ellis]

That should just be the episode, the shortest episode.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you anti sparkling water? It just doesn't come pop up in your life very often.

[Phil Ellis]

It doesn't? Well, it's sometimes free in a room.

[Ed Gamble]

Free in a room.

[Phil Ellis]

Not to say room.

[Ed Gamble]

These big rooms, it's all free stuff.

[Phil Ellis]

You just walk in terrified in the

[James Acaster]

corner,

[Ed Gamble]

and then you just get something from the room.

[Phil Ellis]

All these free things in this house. Don't worry, children, you'll be gone. I don't know. I don't like. Because it never quenches my thirst. And I always think there should be something else going on in it. Like there should be some sugary, you know, sort of what you. What did you used to put? What's it called? Syrup.

[Ed Gamble]

Syrup.

[Phil Ellis]

Is that syrup? No, but when you used to do.

[James Acaster]

You're making them at home. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Was it called syrup when you pour it in or.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I guess so.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. That's what they do in pubs and stuff.

[Phil Ellis]

I'll put an email at the bottom there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But Phil's email at the bottom.

[James Acaster]

Great. So, yeah, I thought you wouldn't go for sparkling because it's like la di da. And you're a very salt of the earth guy.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, yeah. I'd be like sparkly water.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And you can put them bally shoes down as well, you know, Son of mine, you'll get back in that call center like my dad before me. And my granddad.

[James Acaster]

You would be great.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Billy Elliott's dad.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

It's dad trying to squash his squash.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. You're a good dream. A dream squasher.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would try. No, I think I'd be very. My parents encouraged me and look at that. I'd probably be doing them favor.

[James Acaster]

If you were Billy Elliot's dad, what would you like if it was your real life? You're not just playing it in a film that someone's offered you if you eat some grits, but like, if you're like. If this is like real.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

What you. What you do and how you. How are you conducting yourself?

[Phil Ellis]

First of all, I never wear a shirt. Just braces on bare skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boots just in case the factory opens.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Someone needs a bit of cold digging up. Always be covering a shovel.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Not like a massive one, but just one that, you know, I can. I can go. I can crack on for a bit, but I'll have to go home and get me big one.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I'm always ready for work. And I'd probably be drunk all the time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I think that's how I carry myself. But I'd have a heart of gold. And at the very end, when my son does and I see him bally dancing on the wall, like, I will go, oh, bloody gorgeous that way.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Now get back to your room. What did I say about ballet?

[James Acaster]

So, yeah, so in your version of it, he would not be allowed to do ballet at the end. So still, at the end of the film, he's not allowed to do it.

[Phil Ellis]

No, but then we'd cut forward 20 years later and he'd have, like, five kids and a wife and he goes, you know what, dad? You were right. I'm so much happier.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Look at all my other ballet friends and they're all, like, outside and waiting for a bus to drive past the puddle.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the version of Billy Elliot I want to see.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Where he never. He never does ballet.

[James Acaster]

And the dad was right.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, the dad was right.

[Phil Ellis]

I've never seen it.

[Ed Gamble]

I assume he does. I assume it comes. All right.

[James Acaster]

None of us have seen Billy Elliot.

[Phil Ellis]

No, no. I just watched Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels on repeat.

[James Acaster]

Seems like a big film that we should have watched.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. But I think we get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.

[Phil Ellis]

I've seen the bit when he's dancing down.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I get it from the trailer.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

There's loads of films like that where you're Like, I get it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Huh.

[Phil Ellis]

They were Drake.

[Ed Gamble]

I get it.

[James Acaster]

They're a Drake. Yeah. I've not even seen the trailer for that.

[Phil Ellis]

Don't want to say the trailer, mate.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Phil Ellis]

Blake, pop ups or bread?

[James Acaster]

Pop it. Ups or bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Phil.

[James Acaster]

Alice, popping up some bread.

[Phil Ellis]

I need to blow my nose. Am I allowed to do that?

[Ed Gamble]

I thought you're getting your phone out.

[James Acaster]

You know where you've got to look

[Phil Ellis]

while you're doing it, but this.

[James Acaster]

Look directly down the camera while you're blowing your nose.

[Phil Ellis]

You can have a fresh tissue because this one looks rank.

[James Acaster]

That was been in the boot of your car for three days. Sorry.

[Phil Ellis]

I could leave forward, I suppose.

[James Acaster]

Slowly.

[Phil Ellis]

Thank you so much. This is all good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Do you want to do this as

[Ed Gamble]

a picture right down, straight down the

[James Acaster]

back of the camera, please, Philip.

[Phil Ellis]

I know, but I wanted to do the picking thing just to get.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you got to do the picking thing.

[Ed Gamble]

It's good, it's.

[James Acaster]

No, you're clean.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it says a lot about nose blowing style, doesn't it?

[James Acaster]

It does, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

If I did a cartoon where it goes.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

If it makes a honking noise. But yeah, you gotta, you gotta get in there. Yeah, sometimes. And like the people who don't, they're. They're gonna pay the price later on.

[Phil Ellis]

I wonder what age you stop blowing the child's nose for. You know, like they always go and blow.

[Ed Gamble]

My mum still does mine.

[Phil Ellis]

Mom, can you come round?

[Ed Gamble]

They suck it out sometimes, you know that.

[James Acaster]

Well, they don't because kids can't like

[Ed Gamble]

babies can't blow their nose. So they literally, they recommend or. You know, a lot of people do this. Literally sucking it out for them.

[Phil Ellis]

Is that true?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's true. But. But then they also. There's this tube being invented that you like put over your kid's nose and suck it through the tube so it doesn't end up in your mouth. But some parents just sciphone petrol mint.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I think that's just part of being a parent. You got to suck sucks. Not out your baby's head.

[James Acaster]

No, thank you. I mean, this is. This is a different podcast run by two other losers. Disgusting. Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I'm glad I can't have kids.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, that's what it entails.

[James Acaster]

Pop ups are bed though.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. Thank you for my apologies. I've gone off

[Ed Gamble]

bread.

[Phil Ellis]

Bread. I'm a bready boy. I bet you guessed that as well.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know, actually.

[James Acaster]

I wouldn't guess that. I guess popping up's got a lot of dips and you said you don't like sauce, so I guess that's going

[Phil Ellis]

to put you off because sometimes I'll eat the poppadoms around like a. If I'm go out and I always have a. If I go to like an Indian restaurant, I'll always have the. The mixed grill. So I get the driest things.

[James Acaster]

Wow. All the tika stuff. Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

So which is still like. I like the flavor.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Delicious.

[Phil Ellis]

But I just. And I take the onions off because I want these onions.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

They're going generous.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I love having dinner with Phil, Alice. He always gives me his onions.

[Phil Ellis]

This metal tray is going. Anyone? Cardboard lid.

[Ed Gamble]

Does anyone want my onion?

[James Acaster]

Yes. Yeah. To give the lid a lick.

[Phil Ellis]

That's good to go.

[James Acaster]

So you just have to. Just have the meats.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. And sometimes I have to go, oh, I'll try that. And then it is just. It's dry in it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know if I like. I'd put some margarine on it.

[Ed Gamble]

On a poppadom.

[Phil Ellis]

Got any vitalite? Have a word. They'll have some in the kitchen. They probably cook with a bit vital.

[Ed Gamble]

So bread, you're going with the bread?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Is there a specific type of bread or a bread from a specific place that you want?

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, no. Do you know. Do you know? The best bread I ever had, please, was like a baton. Like, you know, they've called them batons. You know, you couldn't wield it as a weapon, but it was like. I suppose you call it like, just. What would you call it? I mean, like a roll, I suppose. Yeah. No, it was really soft. White bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And then it. I just remember when you cut in it, it wasn't like air. It wasn't too airy. I'd like a nice sort of solid feel to it. But it wasn't too hard, it was just right. And I put a lovely egg in it. Cracked it, put it in. My friend taught me how to do this.

[Ed Gamble]

Where was this bread?

[Phil Ellis]

It was in the Lake District.

[James Acaster]

That's a big area.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. We're going to narrow it down. So were you. Was it a restaurant? Were you staying somewhere?

[Phil Ellis]

No, it was like. It was in like a deli.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And they had this nice baton and I said, can I have a sausage and egg? And it was the nicest thing. My mouth's watering. And he cried.

[James Acaster]

Remember that can be a bread course if you want. Yeah. You can have that with a sausage and egg.

[Phil Ellis]

I can have that as well. I Can put stuff in the bread. Yeah. Oh, brilliant. I have a sausage and egg baton, please.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

From the Lake District.

[Ed Gamble]

Whereabouts in the Lake District was it. Can you remember?

[Phil Ellis]

It was near a lake, so the kind of district. I can't remember. It's a long time ago.

[Ed Gamble]

I think this sounds like lovely bread. Course.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah, it's right. Yeah. I love a bit of bread.

[Ed Gamble]

What sort of sausages isn't there?

[Phil Ellis]

Just plain pork, please. Porky boys.

[Ed Gamble]

And cooked all the way through.

[Phil Ellis]

All the way through, please. And cook them in half.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Don't. I'm rolling around in there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's a good point for a sausage sandwich.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got to split and split and flatten them.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to split and fly.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Took me years to figure that out. Always rolling out, always like eating a bat. And he'd be trying to chat to someone. He always poking one back in and it was like, there must be a better way than this.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

The only way to stabilize these. These cylindrical meat.

[Ed Gamble]

I have a regular argument with my tour manager, Paul Brown, full name. Where we have. We have a lot of breakfast together and he always. And I think this is a stupid thing to do.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Always ask for a sausage. Well done.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Unnecessary.

[Ed Gamble]

I feel like it's unnecessary. But he claims that most places undercook their sausages or there's a lot of places that undercook them and you're at risk of having like the situation that you had with a raw sausage. But I've never had that before.

[Phil Ellis]

No, I don't. I do get. I think, because pork is the thing that we all fear, don't we? Because we've been told for years, pork, if it's undercooked, you will. That's you done.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

You know, but I think it goes back to the days when we didn't have fridges.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

But I think that is one fit. Yeah. But sometimes you have, like. I suppose if you used to. Maybe if you go to a place and you weren't happy the first time, then you can say, can you cook the sausages more? Yeah, But I generally give someone the benefit of the doubt.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I think so. But then we were on tour the other day and it was a buffet situation. We lifted up the lid and the sausages were the palest looking things and some of them were broken up and they're all in pilots. Horrible. Like visceral.

[Phil Ellis]

I did get told once, though, I went to Wetherspoons for breakfast and they brought. And the eggs well, they brought out on their own. May I present the eggs? But they. And they were all hard, so I went, oh, sorry, do you mind? Have a runny egg. No, you've got to ask for that.

[James Acaster]

Which you've just done. What?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, I don't think. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So that's what's happening. But that, that's what's happening now.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's literally what is going on right now. You can't. I can't be your response.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't get me on that.

[James Acaster]

The response to the question can't be, I have to ask the question.

[Phil Ellis]

But. And so ever since I go in and go, I could have my eggs running, they go, yeah, they come running. And I was like, well, now I'm the idiot. But I was told specifically.

[Ed Gamble]

And the one, the one day you don't ask, it'll be a hard egg again.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, it happened.

[Ed Gamble]

How often are you having Wetherspoons breakfast? Phil, we're just trying to get a picture of your life.

[James Acaster]

Yeah,

[Phil Ellis]

Tomorrow morning I will have a Wetherspoon breakfast.

[Ed Gamble]

So that's how often you know in advance that you're having a Wetherspoon's breakfast tomorrow.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, get there before 12, get there before 11:30. Because otherwise the chef's like, oh, I'm in burger zone. Yeah, really, I've had enough of breakfast.

[Ed Gamble]

So.

[James Acaster]

Sorry, Phil. So there are loads of places, greasy spoons and stuff that do really good fry ups.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Why are you going to weather spoons, which I don't think is as good as your standard calf?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, I would agree with you.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Okay.

[Phil Ellis]

But do they do the cafes do a bottomless coffee for £1 70?

[James Acaster]

I see, so that's what's drawing you in there.

[Phil Ellis]

Do they have the atmosphere, the jovial warm atmosphere of a Wethersburg at 11:30? At 11:30am, yeah, they got.

[Ed Gamble]

And plates.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. And the smell of a fresh Guinness on the table next to you.

[James Acaster]

The smell of it or are you

[Ed Gamble]

ordering one of those?

[Phil Ellis]

I put it on the table next to me and then.

[James Acaster]

Yeah,

[Phil Ellis]

I was pretending I'm not drinking it.

[Ed Gamble]

I can't remember the last time I had a Wetherspoons breakfast or food and Wetherspoons. To be honest, I'll have a breakfast in like an airport cafe and a pint maybe. Now again, Love to be a lad now and again.

[James Acaster]

Sure, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

What's the earliest you've had a pint alone.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, great question.

[James Acaster]

Not even started the main menu. Sorry, Phil's asking what's the earliest you've had a pint alone.

[Ed Gamble]

It's probably at an airport. Yeah, but I don't think I would have been alone though because I would have been flying with someone. Yeah. Or a stack dude. But you wouldn't be alone, would you?

[James Acaster]

No. That's. Sorry. I.

[Phil Ellis]

Probably alone. Am I stuck?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I mean it's going to be at an airport, but then I can't even think.

[Ed Gamble]

I probably wouldn't have a point alone.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

To be honest. What about you? Please answer the question.

[Phil Ellis]

Well, tomorrow,

[Ed Gamble]

what do you pair with a Wetherspoons breakfast? What? What pint is the best?

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, I just go for like a nice Carlsberg. It's easy, it's fresh, it's low alcohol so you don't feel too bad. Yeah. And you dip your sausage in.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And do you have to ask for the Carlsberg, Ronnie? Rock hard Carlsberg. I know you gotta ask for that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Did you specify

[Commercial Announcer]

is your kid's birthday coming up? Don't stress the prep the party shop at Michael's is your one stop. Shop for every theme from bluey to rodeo. Transform your space into a birthday wonderland with dreamworthy tablescapes and decor. Starting at 99 cents. Plus get free helium inflation on select balloon styles. Whether you're crafting a one of a kind bash or grabbing the essentials, Michaels has everything to make their big day. Legendary. Shop now and order ahead for delivery or in store pickup. Michaels, everything to celebrate. Anything.

[James Acaster]

Sometimes life will get you stressed out. Lucky you can always count on text now. Free Talk. Free text. Free 5G and they'll never shut you off.

[Phil Ellis]

Cause like I said, it's free.

[James Acaster]

TextNow's got your back. Nationwide, no long term contracts.

[Phil Ellis]

But are they nervous about losing service? TextNow's got your back. That clear sense of purpose no matter what comes next.

[James Acaster]

You've got free talk and text with the TextNow app. Wireless plans require the purchase of a sim card.

[Ed Gamble]

Visit textnow.com for terms and conditions.

[James Acaster]

Your dream starter, fellas.

[Phil Ellis]

Oxtails.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you just look down the camera? I did, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I thought.

[Phil Ellis]

I tried not to. I realized. What is that? It's weird. I've done it again. An oxtail soup.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Classic. Too heavy. But I'm getting a bit of a meaty hit before we get well. Don't want to know. No spoilers.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no spoilers.

[Phil Ellis]

We might be meeting the rest of that bovine baby.

[Ed Gamble]

This is tail to nose eating.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Start at the back, work our way forward.

[James Acaster]

The dessert will be the oxnose covered in powdered Sugar.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

The desserts, the thing it's looking at.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's. You got. You've gone so far nose to tail that you go beyond what it's looking at.

[Ed Gamble]

Pass the ring in its nose.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. This is, this surprises me because you don't like sauces but you picked a soup which I would say is Big bowl of sauce. Big bowl of sauce, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

That, that is an issue that people do, do say that soup is a sauce. But when does a liquid become a sauce? And when does the sauce become a liquid? And what is soup? What's on the subject?

[James Acaster]

Sauce is liquid, I think people would say.

[Phil Ellis]

Really?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Soup is liquid too. But then I guess it's presentation.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

So am I having a nice cup of sauce? Oh, two sugars in my sauce, please. I'm. Milk tea sauce.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's that. I think it's presentation, it's context.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah. But I'm not pouring the oxtail soup on anything.

[Ed Gamble]

No, it's in a bowl. Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

So it's contained. I kind of get it. It's not tainting anything around it.

[Ed Gamble]

You can have soup in a mug and then that becomes. Does that become a drink?

[Phil Ellis]

Then that becomes a pretty lonely phase of your life.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Believe you me.

[Ed Gamble]

I hate soap in a mug, man.

[Phil Ellis]

It's weird.

[Ed Gamble]

I really hate it.

[Phil Ellis]

So you're supposed to just drink it.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you like drinking it out the mug?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, as long as there's no bits in it. When there's bits in it, it's annoying out the mug cuz then you, they all just sink into the bottom. That's annoying.

[Ed Gamble]

And there's bits in the oxtail soup, I'm guessing.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. But the ones I get the tin oxtail I get, I, I, I, luckily the car bits of carrot in it which ruin it all float to the top. So if you open the, leave it to settle, open the tin carefully and then you can scoop all them out before you start, flick them in the sink, get them in that little bit and then pluck it up, throw them straight in the bin.

[Ed Gamble]

This is your dream starter.

[Phil Ellis]

You're already going to be doing this for me.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the cooking. Sorry, I forgot that's part of the cooking.

[James Acaster]

So they're flipping the carrots into the sink and then scraping them out from around the plug hole and putting them in the bin.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah. And then there you go. That should be ready now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Straight in your oxide.

[Phil Ellis]

Get that in the microwave. Three minutes.

[Ed Gamble]

So this is what you want. You want the tinned oxtail soup that you like. You want the chef to flip the carrots out into the sink?

[Phil Ellis]

Yes, please.

[Ed Gamble]

And then you want it three minutes in the microwave.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. Don't get heinous. They have bits of tomato in it.

[Ed Gamble]

Right. And you don't want that, do you just want. Is it almost like a clear soup? Basically.

[Phil Ellis]

But the little bits, little chunks of oxtail.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

They're a nice little surprise.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you like those.

[Ed Gamble]

They're not a surprise.

[James Acaster]

You've got rid of any surprises for yourself.

[Ed Gamble]

So you know there's a bit of oxtail in this oxtail suit.

[James Acaster]

Whoa. Never know. Do you? Let your yard down for a second. He gets the oxtail.

[Ed Gamble]

Is there a danger when you're flicking the carrot out that you accidentally flick a bit of oxtail into the sink? And in that situation, what do you do?

[Phil Ellis]

Well, before you start, you want to clean that sink so that if you do lose any oxtail, you feel confident enough that it's clean that you can pop that back in there.

[James Acaster]

So you do that. You do pre clean your sink in case you accidentally flick some oxtail into it when you're flicking out the carrots.

[Ed Gamble]

You believe that he pre cleans the sink?

[James Acaster]

Nope.

[Phil Ellis]

Well, it's a sink. The sink is clean anyway, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

So, okay, we've immediately. Yeah, you're not cleaning it anyway.

[Phil Ellis]

I've not been putting stuff in there to dirt. I put stuff in there that's dirty, and when it comes out, it's clean.

[James Acaster]

So I assume the area around the sink is clean.

[Ed Gamble]

Where does the dirt go from? The thing that you're cleaning in the sink?

[Phil Ellis]

Down. That.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, all goes down, straight down

[Phil Ellis]

down the plug hole and out into the sea where it belongs.

[James Acaster]

What if. What if I just got like a tin of oxtail soup and I just poured it down flushed toilet? Are you gonna be licking that off the sides?

[Ed Gamble]

A bit of oxtail in there.

[Phil Ellis]

But I'm not using soap in the toilet. There's soap in the sink when you're cleaning your dishes. Plus, I'm not shaving the sink, by the way.

[Ed Gamble]

By the way, the only guest who's

[James Acaster]

ever had to say that. Yeah. Also, I don't fully believe you, that you've never done.

[Phil Ellis]

Why have you got that chopstick next to the sign, Phil?

[Ed Gamble]

It's our first oxtail soup on the pod. I think it might be, I don't know, certainly tinned with all the carrots strained out.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, I feel quite.

[James Acaster]

What is the make of the soup that you use? Because you Say no Heinz.

[Phil Ellis]

But, like, I have Aldi Zone.

[James Acaster]

Aldi Zone. Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Which hasn't been in stock as much recently. I don't know if that's a Brexit thing.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Could be Aldi's own, not Aldi's own. It's not like Burger Zone.

[Phil Ellis]

No, no Aldi. So.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, Timothy Spore picked oxtail stew with chicken Schlashlick. So like a kebab with it. Which must have been his main. Right. But yeah, that's a different. That's a different thing to Aldi's own oxtail soup.

[Phil Ellis]

And he took my part from Harry Potter. I was meant to play that mouse character.

[James Acaster]

It's a rat.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Rat.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Beginning to see why he didn't get it.

[James Acaster]

There's a TV series being made now, Fell, and I'm. I'm. I'm pretty sure no one's really queuing up for it. So if you wanna. If you wanna play that role. As long as you're okay setting fire to your new fan base that followed

[Ed Gamble]

you from Taskmaster straight into the audition room. There's a mouse. Is it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but. Yeah. Joe. What, mate? Fine. Just. Yeah, the part's yours. I'd mute your mentions if I was you.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not the one. I'm not saying you can separate the art from the artist

[Ed Gamble]

straight down the camera.

[James Acaster]

Straight in the compilation.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh. So. Yeah. But I don't think an oxtail stew is the same as.

[Ed Gamble]

No, it's not. No, no, no. Stew and soup, two very different.

[Phil Ellis]

Plus, what else did he have in it? Kimchi. That's something I've heard.

[Ed Gamble]

Chicken.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Not kimchi. Mate.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want to guess at what kimchi is?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

A fruit.

[Ed Gamble]

Yep.

[Phil Ellis]

Okay, I'm back. Yeah. And I've got. And I've got a bafta. Spool. Has he got.

[James Acaster]

Almost certainly or doesn't give a. About the baftas. One of the two.

[Ed Gamble]

You've not won that.

[James Acaster]

I don't. Yeah, yeah, he's great.

[Phil Ellis]

He's in my favorite. One of my favorite Mike Lee films. All or nothing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Lovely. Good actor.

[James Acaster]

What'd you get after? For me?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. What have I got a BAFTA for?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I didn't know you had a bath.

[Phil Ellis]

No, I haven't. No, I said he's got a bafta. Did I?

[Ed Gamble]

No, you said. You said, and I've got a bafta.

[Phil Ellis]

No, did I?

[Ed Gamble]

It was very clear. You're very clear. You said, and I've got a bafta, sport.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Sorry, I got caught up in there, I think for a moment, I believe.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I thought.

[Phil Ellis]

I didn't know James did that. He didn't go, oh, what was that? What was that for? It was just like, what have you got one for?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Almost anger.

[Ed Gamble]

But he didn't. He believed it.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. I wasn't angry, but just.

[James Acaster]

I was happy for you. But, like, I was like. I was like, Phil's gonna expect me to know what everyone's.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got a Bafta.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Ed's got a Bafta because he won Taskmaster Series 7 and then that won a bath.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I knew. We're in seven.

[James Acaster]

Sorry, that was me. We'll misspeak it.

[Phil Ellis]

Have you agreed that soon as well.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you might be.

[Ed Gamble]

How hot are you making this oxtail soup? Do you. Do you want it piping?

[Phil Ellis]

I don't want to be waiting for it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I want it microwave. Two and a half minutes, mate. Get them carrots out. What did I say about the carrots? Take it back, take it back. Open a new tin. I don't want that one. You're just spitting it. Two and a half minutes. Yeah, good to go. Don't need the spoon.

[Ed Gamble]

I love that. You're the dream restaurant. You could, you know, have someone make an oxtail soup from scratch, you know, without any carrots in it, anyway, you know, you could create this whole thing for yourself, but you. You just want. And I respect this, you want what you know, which is the Aldi's own oxtail soup with the carrots scooped out from the microwave. Two and a half minutes.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. And I like to think this dream restaurant is. Is. I'm like, they're just. It's my house.

[Ed Gamble]

It's your house.

[Phil Ellis]

And the chef's just in my kitchen.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

So he's quite limited with what he's got, to be honest. Unless he brings his own stuff.

[James Acaster]

Sure.

[Phil Ellis]

Plus, that microwave, it stops at 30 seconds. You have to take it. So he's putting it on five times.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Which is always add 30 seconds onto what you want to do, really, and it'll stop itself at 30. Your dream main course is rust on this.

[James Acaster]

There we go.

[Phil Ellis]

Let me get out this sack.

[Ed Gamble]

This is going to be quite involved, this, because Phil's going to his notes.

[Phil Ellis]

Egg. No, I've got a funny egg story. No, I've got time.

[Ed Gamble]

We do.

[Phil Ellis]

But I was gonna put lamb, but I thought it's boring. So then I was going to put pheasant because I went through a phase of really enjoying stuff you could eat as that you could find on the road.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Ellis]

But I wasn't finding it on the road. I was just like. I'd go, oh. If I was like a roadkill guy at a pheasant, rabbit and maybe a guinea fowl. So I tried all them. Didn't like one. I couldn't eat the rabbit either, to be honest. I felt too bad.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I cooked it, though. Threw it in the bin.

[James Acaster]

It's worse.

[Phil Ellis]

So much worse.

[Ed Gamble]

So you liked the idea of eating roadkill or animals that would have been run over on a road?

[Phil Ellis]

It just like. I like that. Isn't there a law that if you've not run it over but you're the car behind, you can then crack on?

[Ed Gamble]

Don't think.

[Phil Ellis]

I think there is.

[James Acaster]

You have to be the car behind, I don't think.

[Phil Ellis]

Because otherwise it could be like, I'm

[Ed Gamble]

two cars behind, I'm starving.

[James Acaster]

It's yours.

[Phil Ellis]

You just can't be. You can't hit the car that hits it. Otherwise it's like you could have done it with intent.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Like you could have got that pheasants having it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Phil Ellis]

Starving.

[James Acaster]

And then.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So you have to have found it.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then.

[Phil Ellis]

And a friend of mine lived up in the. In the Peak District and he was starting to do that. He was telling me about it. So I found a pheasant the other day. It was fresh and so I just took it home and we ate it. But then he told me this horrific story where he found a. He made a bit of a mistake with this one. He found a dead sheep. And I don't think this is legal. I think you meant to leave a dead sheet.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Because they're masked, even if you're the car behind.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. And we popped it in his boot. But he was on his way to a gig. Oh, my God, this story is horrific. Drove it into Manchester. The gig overran. It was quite a hot day. Kind of forgot about this sheep in the back of his car. And he got to the car and he was like, he got any. And he couldn't breathe. It was stank that much because obviously the sheep had started to release in the boot.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And it was so bad he had to take the sheep out and he just left it in a car. Multi stroke car park in the middle of Manchester.

[Ed Gamble]

So was this you, Phil?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Phil, this is you. He was at a gig. Yeah, the gig over, man.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. It sounds like he put the sheep next to the raw breakfast.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, this sounds like it's you.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, right. Next to the pain display I went to when I was at university, there was someone who got drunk one night and like, blackout drunk and then woke up the next day and sort of put two and two together. That on the way home he'd killed a pigeon and cooked it when he got home.

[Phil Ellis]

What?

[Ed Gamble]

That's mad, isn't it? That he'd killed a pig on the way home. Caught a pigeon, killed it. What, and then got home and cooked it. He's really ill. And then he did it again two weeks later.

[Phil Ellis]

What the hell's going on?

[James Acaster]

Is he like de feathering it and everything?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I guess so.

[James Acaster]

He's doing all the stuff I just heard about.

[Phil Ellis]

But not cooking it thoroughly.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, not cooking it thoroughly.

[Phil Ellis]

Just a normal.

[Ed Gamble]

But also it's just like a street pigeon.

[Phil Ellis]

A street pigeon.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not. You know, this is not on a farm.

[Phil Ellis]

Sheep story seems.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

So tame.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Both of those. Both of those are awful.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, both of those are awful.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

He could.

[Phil Ellis]

Where was this in London?

[Ed Gamble]

Durham.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, Durham. That's not a different. Different flock. Flock of pigeon over there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah. So what are you choosing?

[Phil Ellis]

Well, sorry, a tomahawk steak.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. Because I had one once and it was so well cooked and everything that I got really emotional. I'm getting emotional. Yeah. And it was really nice. Nothing with it.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely nothing with nothing with it.

[Ed Gamble]

Whereabouts did you have this tomahawk steak?

[James Acaster]

What district

[Phil Ellis]

in. In Italy? I bet you didn't think I'd been, did.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, no.

[Phil Ellis]

I won't lie to you. Won a holiday.

[Ed Gamble]

You won a holiday to Italy. Where did you win the holiday?

[Phil Ellis]

I was in. I was in my dad's living room at the time.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

And what competition was it, Phil?

[Phil Ellis]

We're in a trip to Italy.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Phil Ellis]

It was online.

[Ed Gamble]

I just saw all the information we actually need. You refuse to give us.

[Phil Ellis]

No, I. I entered it online.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Not thinking about it, really.

[James Acaster]

Was it like a little advert, like on the side of, like, a little post? Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And I was like, I've never been to Italy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Love a tomahawk steak. Famous for the.

[Ed Gamble]

Hang on. It didn't mention the tomahawk steak on the competition, did it?

[Phil Ellis]

No, it didn't. No. But. But to be honest, I was there and I wanted to really sample the delicacies. I tried a lasagna on the first day, but they do it all backwards. Like there's not cheese on top, there was tomato on top. And I just went, this is. I'm out. And so I just had steak every Night.

[James Acaster]

So how. How long was the holiday that you won?

[Phil Ellis]

Five nights.

[James Acaster]

So you've won five nights in Italy. And whereabouts in Italy was it?

[Phil Ellis]

Lake Garda.

[Ed Gamble]

Another lake.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, of course.

[Phil Ellis]

Do you have any batons?

[James Acaster]

This is in a hotel?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, kind of like a hotel. Why? Can I sort of shot a chalet, I call them. Yeah, but we got it.

[James Acaster]

So you'd won. I guess I'm presuming the flights are paid for the accommodation. Is that it?

[Phil Ellis]

Breakfast, lovely. Breakfast comes in competition, but if you want to eat again, you know, pay for it or wait till breakfast.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

So breakfast every morning, but nothing.

[Phil Ellis]

Steal as many sausages as you can, get them in your pockets. Yeah, you'll eat like a king all day.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's. Do you do that if you have a buffet breakfast? Are you taking lunch as well?

[Phil Ellis]

I used to, like, when I was really skin gigging, I remember I was like, I had no money at all. I was in Cardiff doing the Glee and they had the breakfast and I made, like, I would make my little rolls for dinner and I said there was these other acts when I was doing it in Newcastle, the same thing, and. And I went to one of the acts who was doing a different. Like, I think they're doing Jonglers or something in Newcastle, and I went, just a little tip when what I do is I make a little sandwich for dinner. And one of them, I took a full English breakfast, like towering on the plate, and they went, yeah, what do you think this is? And he just walked. And I'm trying to hide like an apple in my sleeve and that, and he just walked past reception with a full English breakfast, grabbed a free paper and got in the lift, went to his room. He just had that wait until dinner.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, God.

[Phil Ellis]

What is it?

[Ed Gamble]

These old breakfasts we're talking about, it's horrible. You know, my wife's done in the past when she's been in a cold country, is take two fresh boiled eggs, put them in her gloves for the day to keep her hands warm, and then eat it for lunch.

[Phil Ellis]

How long do they retain the heat

[Ed Gamble]

but, like, long enough to keep you warm, I think, for the morning. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then hope he doesn't have to clap anything.

[Phil Ellis]

We're gonna watch Phil Alice live. The eggs will be fine.

[James Acaster]

That's a good.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a good way of getting people into your tour, actually.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

If you've got boiled eggs in your gloves, you'll be all right.

[Phil Ellis]

If you leave with them uncracked, you get your money back.

[Ed Gamble]

This tomahawk Steak sounds wonderful, though. Yeah. How's it. How's it cooked to.

[Phil Ellis]

What's medium rare?

[Ed Gamble]

Medium rare, love.

[Phil Ellis]

Medium rare. Towards the rare. So I quite like a slightly rare, you know. But when you say medium rare, a proper chef. Who knows what. They'll make it quite bloody anyway, won't they?

[James Acaster]

But is there a nice, like, seasoning on the outside? Is there a crust to it?

[Phil Ellis]

I like a very salty steak.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

But not. I don't want the bloke coming out and pouring it down his arm. If you see that online, where that

[Ed Gamble]

guy, people were paying, he's talking about Salt Bay. How quickly you forget, Jay, you not remember Salt Bay?

[James Acaster]

No.

[Phil Ellis]

The guy comes out, he's got like a black glove on, like in Hostel. Yeah. And he'll come out and he'll go, hey, look at this nice steak. And he goes. He pours salt down his arm and it goes through all the hair, all the hair onto you, onto your steak.

[James Acaster]

Do you not remember Salt Bay? No.

[Ed Gamble]

I know you're not on social media, but you must have Salt Bay, I don't think.

[James Acaster]

A few years ago, I've seen a video of Gemma Collins going to a steak place where they make a steak that's got gold all over.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the. That's that guy's place because. Yeah, off the back of his viral fame, doing that with the. Dropping all the salt through his hair.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

He opened, like, loads of restaurants and they did well for a bit because he'd go to all of them on opening night and do that. And, like, David Beckham's there and he's loving Salt Bay and all of this, but then obviously to stop going to them. And there's like. There's one in London that no one ever goes in because it's like 800 quid for a steak, like, covered in gold leaf.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's awful.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Gemma Collins had it. She was so excited about it and someone showed it to me, like, look at. This is pathetic.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And it was like. And he's coming over Salt Bay, or whatever his name is. Yeah. And doing the whole thing. And she's, like, losing her mind and drinking, like, you know, loads of champagne and being like. She's looking down the camera like you would. Yeah. Being like, here we go, baby, this is it. And it's like he's cutting up the steak and you're like. Like, that is.

[Ed Gamble]

It's just so bleak.

[James Acaster]

We all know you can't taste gold.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So, like, whatever you're doing, we all like no matter who is watching this knows it's stupid. No one. No one is watching this thing. And it's cool.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Gold leaf thing. It's just like the gross sort of debris vacation of everything where it's like, look at how well I'm doing. I'm eating a gold steak for no reason.

[Phil Ellis]

It's horrible.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, that's me sat there chewing on an earring. When's his oxtail soup getting here?

[Ed Gamble]

No, we won't. We won't bring out. And that salt bait guy as well. He got in loads of trouble because he was there at, like, the World cup final once when Argentina won. And he kept like. He's like walking into their shot where they're holding the world cup and stuff, like, standing next to them, being like, yeah, we did it together. Well, trying to get in a photo

[Phil Ellis]

or salt into the cup.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah. Put more gold on the World cup,

[Phil Ellis]

Though. We assume he's got a clean elbow.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got to assume he's got a clean elbow.

[Phil Ellis]

If I did a restaurant, I just go on my ass crack. All right, Ready for salt.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but that is different. Phil, tell me you see the difference.

[Ed Gamble]

The problem is. Yeah. Phil doesn't know his ass from his elbow.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Brilliant.

[Phil Ellis]

Excellent work.

[James Acaster]

Come on.

[Ed Gamble]

I think now you know. Now you've done taskmaster newfound fame. I think you could do a restaurant pop up where you sprinkled salt through your ass crack onto people's steak into their oxtails.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, well, they go crazy for.

[Commercial Announcer]

Is your kid's birthday coming up? Don't stress the prep. The party shop at Michael's is your one stop Shop for every theme from Bluey to Rodeo. Transform your space into a birthday wonderland with dreamworthy tablescapes and decor starting at $0.99 plus get free healing inflation on select balloon styles. Whether you're crafting a one of a kind bash or grabbing the essentials, Michaels has everything to make their big day legendary. Shop now and order ahead for delivery or in store pickup. Michaels, everything to celebrate. Anything.

[James Acaster]

Your dream side dish. Now, you've said that you want this steak on its own, so this is a bit of a conundrum well on

[Phil Ellis]

itself because I sometimes get too caught up with all the other bits. And I'm like, I just want to enjoy this massive tom up. Like it takes up the whole plate.

[Ed Gamble]

We know you don't want any sauce with it, certainly.

[Phil Ellis]

Although sometimes I'll have a peppercorn sauce and I'll dip it. I'll dip it in. Yeah, you stay in Your little tub. I'll come to you.

[James Acaster]

That's the beginning steak sauce.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. What else would you have?

[James Acaster]

Well, that's just the first, you know, the, the first sauce you try with a steak is a peppercorn sauce. Okay, fine.

[Phil Ellis]

Well, I don't know what out of the sources you could possibly have.

[Ed Gamble]

Jimmy Cherry.

[Phil Ellis]

I'm gonna avoid a joke about that being someone great. Great prop comic. Jimmy Cherries on.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a good name for a prop comic, isn't it? Jimmy. Jimmy Cherry.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. I'm a toaster.

[Ed Gamble]

Hang on. This prop comic is saying, I'm a toaster.

[Phil Ellis]

It's got a bit of bread on his head.

[James Acaster]

Whoa.

[Phil Ellis]

Okay, this is opening bit.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Bernays.

[Phil Ellis]

All right. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Another character. Weekend at Bernays. That character.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. But I. Yeah, peppercorn's like a solid choice, but I'm kind of with you. I wouldn't really. I don't really have sauces with steak because if it's good steak and it's. It's got a lot of fat in it anyway and it's like delicious. You just want to taste the beef.

[James Acaster]

Maybe sometimes when they bring like butter. Like butter along.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Like, you know, if it's garlic butter or bone marrow butter sometimes. And I, I find it quite hard to resist just like running the steak through that.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You know, getting a nice bit of steak and then.

[Phil Ellis]

I'm with you on that. They can put it. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I had a nice blue cheese Holland days at Hawksmoor the other day with a steak.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, I like Hawks more.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. I go there in Manchester.

[James Acaster]

You went on your own, didn't you?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I went to Hawksmoor on my own. It was lovely. I had a 600 gram ribeye.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, yeah. That's a big boy, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

They were like, you sure you want that?

[Phil Ellis]

I was like, yeah, finish it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Yeah. I felt so sick.

[James Acaster]

Ed texted me saying he was there and he was going to do it. And like, you know, Ed and I will often have like, you know, kind of an ongoing text exchange during a meal if the other person's, like, excited about it. But there was something about. Ed texted me saying, I'm at Hawksmoor on my own. And I couldn't be happy. I made such a great decision. This is going to be great. And I just was like, you know what? I think Ed would like to be left alone during this. I. I picked up from the thing that, like, Ed has texted me because of. Out of. Out of habit.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But I think Ed is in his head. It's like going, why have I done that?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I didn't think that. But you.

[James Acaster]

I'm here on my own.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Now I'm gonna get text from this guy. So I just left him to it.

[Phil Ellis]

That's nice.

[James Acaster]

And I knew I'll probably hear about it on the pod. And here we are.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And was it. Did you take your time with it?

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah, of course. You have to have 600 grams.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, I think so.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't be racing through that.

[Phil Ellis]

I've always, like. I always think, like, I see the stego. It's not quite big enough. That. And I always want to try a proper big. That's why I don't want the other bits getting in the way. I just want that big slab of meat. Yeah, but that sounds amazing.

[James Acaster]

How many grams of the tomahawk?

[Phil Ellis]

I don't know. But you've got to take the bone into account.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. You can get big ones, like over a kilo. Really? I think for your dream meal, we should get you like a. With 1.2 kilos.

[Phil Ellis]

My mouth watered a bit then. It was really sad. Pathetic.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you chewing the bone?

[Phil Ellis]

I do. I like the bone.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I like a meat bone sometimes. I've had friends and family will. Will save a bone for me. I was at a family barbecue, not. Not of late. And they went, don't worry. And they gave the lamb bone to one of the cousin's dogs. And then they even looked at me as he did it. And they went. Went, sorry, Phil. And this dog didn't appreciate that lamb bone.

[James Acaster]

I bet it did.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, yeah, but it loved it famously. They famously love that. Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I'm watching the Simpsons eating that.

[Ed Gamble]

So I love that. So when you initially said, sometimes they save the bone for me. Yeah, it's when you're there.

[James Acaster]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

Because in my head, you're not there. And they're going, save that for Phil.

[James Acaster]

Bury it in the garden.

[Ed Gamble]

Save that for our film.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Postman knocking. You won't go through the letter box. Well, that'll be a bone.

[James Acaster]

Must have been gutted when your friend threw that sheep away. Yeah. The whole skeleton there for you.

[Ed Gamble]

I would have had that. Would have gnawed on that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Watching the sentence.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. So many bones. Oh, don't put Nana down there. So she was by the end. That's horrible.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, pretty horrible.

[Ed Gamble]

The Simpsons chewed on your nana's hip bug.

[James Acaster]

Always the Simpsons Simpson.

[Ed Gamble]

Always a Simpson.

[James Acaster]

What was your dream side, though?

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, it has to go with the state, doesn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Really doesn't have to. It'll be whatever you want.

[James Acaster]

Can you get.

[Phil Ellis]

It's a poached egg aside.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

You have it on the side.

[James Acaster]

I'll help that as a.

[Phil Ellis]

Have a nice poached egg, please.

[James Acaster]

A poached egg.

[Phil Ellis]

Second D. With a bit of kitchen

[Ed Gamble]

egg of the meal.

[Phil Ellis]

A bit of kitchen towel before you pop it on the toast so it's not too wet.

[Ed Gamble]

So you got toast as well on the side.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, yeah, sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

Poached egg on toast.

[Phil Ellis]

It's not just a.

[James Acaster]

That is what we thought you'd said.

[Phil Ellis]

Sorry. Poached egg.

[James Acaster]

Maybe you want to consider how we reacted to it.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I go, what does that say about me?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That they. They thought it was funny, but they didn't think it was out of the question.

[Phil Ellis]

I had a friend once, right. We were on a night out and he went. We were going home afterwards and I went, oh, I'm not going. I might go and get a kebab on the way home. And he went. He went. He was. Oh, I'm all right. I fried three eggs before I came out.

[Ed Gamble]

The world you live in is so gross, Phil. The people, you know, are so gross.

[Phil Ellis]

But I just left it at that. What does he. Why would you. Why would you fry three eggs and then leave the house?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

To surely do them fresh when you're in. Right.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

They're not that long to do, are they?

[James Acaster]

No.

[Phil Ellis]

And they're not.

[James Acaster]

They're nice or hot.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. And they're not long enough that you'd be going. I'll probably be able to do this if I have to go meet Phil. Does he have him cold?

[Ed Gamble]

Must.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Has to have them cold. It can't be warm.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't warm them back up again.

[James Acaster]

No, you can't, can you?

[Phil Ellis]

I don't. You can re.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Phil Ellis]

He's eating cold fried eggs out there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Probably still in the pan, I would imagine when he left.

[James Acaster]

Maybe he fried six eggs before leaving the house. Got through three of them. When.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Full up. I can't.

[Ed Gamble]

I can't do it. To finish these later.

[James Acaster]

I can't do it. So I have to put. Put some cling film over these fridge.

[Phil Ellis]

I'll put one in my pocket.

[James Acaster]

Maybe later I'll. Maybe later I'll have them.

[Ed Gamble]

But put one in the boot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, obviously. Frisbee one into the boat, drive into town to see Phil.

[Ed Gamble]

So you got poached egg. One poached egg on toast.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Your side dish with this, please.

[Phil Ellis]

Thank you. A little bit of Salt and pepper.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely. No sauce is needed.

[Phil Ellis]

No sauce indeed. The egg is a sauce.

[Ed Gamble]

The egg's a sauce.

[James Acaster]

Yes. His own sauce.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

What kind of bread are we talking?

[Phil Ellis]

Just white toasted bread.

[James Acaster]

White toast.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you have a preferred brand?

[Phil Ellis]

Aldi again, please.

[Ed Gamble]

Aldi Zone.

[James Acaster]

Straight to Aldi.

[Phil Ellis]

And if. Who does a voiceover for Aldi?

[James Acaster]

I don't know Broadbent these days.

[Phil Ellis]

Is it, Is it? Or is he little spoiled Broadbent?

[Ed Gamble]

Maisie. Adam does Asda.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Congrats.

[Phil Ellis]

I'd like Morrisons.

[Ed Gamble]

You'd like Morrisons. That'd be your.

[Phil Ellis]

I've worked a jingle out for Morrisons.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's hear it.

[Phil Ellis]

So it's Christmas time. I think you do like an Oliver thing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And someone goes, God, you get so much more. And then someone goes, more, more. And then they go, Morrison's Morrisons. Never before as a store offered more.

[Ed Gamble]

You're really gonna have to watch this one, everyone, because obviously that ended with Phil looking.

[James Acaster]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

And he's still. He's looking down the camera at the end of the song.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Then all the time it took me to say that, I look back and realize looking down the camera for the whole time.

[James Acaster]

The whole time. Really rushed it at the end.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

[James Acaster]

You just wanted to be out of the song.

[Phil Ellis]

But the adverts, like all the carrots dancing down the aisle and Chelsea down the aisle. Yeah. Well, it's cut it. Not really.

[James Acaster]

So they're in Morrison's dancing around Morris.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, yeah. And they're like coming down. Morrisons. Morrisons.

[James Acaster]

Never before as a store. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's good.

[Phil Ellis]

Copyright.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Can I copyright that song?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I don't think you need to. Yeah, you can if you want.

[Ed Gamble]

Is Morrison's your favorite supermarket or is it. No, it must be Aldi. Of course it's Aldi.

[Phil Ellis]

Aldi.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

What's the best thing from Aldi?

[Phil Ellis]

The hand cooked. The salt and chardonnay vinegar crisps.

[James Acaster]

Ah.

[Phil Ellis]

But a little tip for you. Look on the back. Pick the right chef because Dilip doesn't put enough salt and vinegar on it. But Somnath and Deepak. Do you. There's your tip.

[Ed Gamble]

Why are the chefs listed on the back?

[Phil Ellis]

I have no idea, but they are. And they do vary in. In extremities of like if you want a really intense hit, Somnath or Deepak.

[Ed Gamble]

But I'm assuming they're just all made in the same factory though. And these, these men are just invented.

[Phil Ellis]

I wonder if they're like the names of the machines, you know, with the lottery. So number 22. Not seeing that one for a while.

[Ed Gamble]

And we'll be drawing from Deepak today.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, it might be that, but there it is.

[James Acaster]

Three chefs who are making all the. Chris?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, I think so. There's four. I think there's a fourth one. I can't remember.

[Ed Gamble]

But you're not interested in that guy.

[Phil Ellis]

No.

[James Acaster]

You've got two favorites. One who you absolutely hate.

[Phil Ellis]

I mean, if I'm desperate, I'll have a Dilly, but I'd rather have a Sobnath or a Deepak.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, they get the salt level, right?

[Phil Ellis]

Salt level. Intense. Deepak. Proper big hit. Like, you can't have a full packet because you'll burn.

[James Acaster]

What about the vinegar? For me, it's all about the vinegar.

[Phil Ellis]

It's the. Yeah, they're just the.

[James Acaster]

Right.

[Phil Ellis]

The vinegar's really intense. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What would you do if you found out if you saw a video on Deepaks doing all the salt through his ass?

[James Acaster]

You're like, that's why. That's why I like it. Jim Mcullen's going crazy.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, day pack. That's incredible. I love this. I've done. Yeah, I've not. I've not really gone into the details in Aldi before. I didn't realize there was different. Different chefs for the different grades.

[Phil Ellis]

I was just like, why is this a bad batch? And I couldn't figure it out, so I started looking more into it, and I realized that they had the chef's names on the back. So then I thought, I'll go and get a cross section. Yeah, that's how you find out.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you think that's for all of Aldi, or is that just in the branch of Aldi that you shop in?

[Phil Ellis]

Well, I've been to Wales, and there's a few Deepaks in there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he gets out and about, doesn't he?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, he's a busy boy.

[James Acaster]

Your dream drink?

[Phil Ellis]

I think I'll just have, like. I like Coca Cola. I'll have a little Coca Cola or. Or if we're having a bit of a cheeky drink, a little tipple. Yeah, a nice Wetherspoons Pinot Grigio, please. From the table. No, I won't. Yeah, you can.

[Ed Gamble]

You can have that if you want.

[James Acaster]

Is that your dream? That's your favorite.

[Phil Ellis]

Two for one on a Friday.

[Ed Gamble]

But this is all free anyway.

[James Acaster]

Because it's all free.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, I'll have three, then, please.

[Ed Gamble]

All right.

[Phil Ellis]

Four's too much.

[Ed Gamble]

You can have a bottle if you want. Or it's not in a bottle, though, is it? It's out of tap.

[Phil Ellis]

It's out the tap.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Or just bring the tap to me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we can. We can get you.

[Phil Ellis]

Let's tap on the side.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. We put weather spoons. Tap on your table for Pinot Grigio, if you want.

[Phil Ellis]

I'll have that. Thank you. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What do you like about the Wetherspoons Pinot Grigio show?

[Phil Ellis]

It's two for one on a Friday. Did I stutter?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Is there anything about the taste that you enjoy?

[Phil Ellis]

No, not really. No. It's horrible.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I like that. I like. I went through a phase of.

[James Acaster]

Oh.

[Phil Ellis]

So I went on a diet because I thought I need to get in shape for the. For the taskmaster show because I was wearing Thought strongman outfit, I thought, but you don't want to look really bad, so I thought, I'll start exercising. So I read somewhere that if you drink Guinness or white wine, it helps, you know, keep the calories off. If. If you want to drink, like, you're probably best.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So you decided. I don't want to get in shape.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You're like, there is no way on in hell that I am stopping drinking. Yeah. So I have to Google.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. I went through all of them. Caused.

[James Acaster]

Even though that's kind of like. Yep. Gone.

[Phil Ellis]

That's not happening.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Why is that not happening?

[Phil Ellis]

That was horrible.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Plus, I don't like the bottom of the glass, which is blue. I don't understand why it's blue. So I went for Guinness and white wine.

[Ed Gamble]

And how many Guinness and white wine would you say is okay on a diet?

[Phil Ellis]

Well, I would normally fall asleep on a bench in a pub around four Guinness. Three wines in.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Because you need to alternate them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Because Guinness is too heavy. So then you have a nice wine.

[Ed Gamble]

Four Guinness and three wines. All right, Kate Moss.

[James Acaster]

So you're starting with the Guinness.

[Phil Ellis]

I love a Guinness. To start, please.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

And you're alternating between them. Between the two, and we get to the fourth Guinness. You've fallen asleep on a bench.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. So we better get that dessert out.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, we can probably do that. We can probably put two taps on your table in the dream restaurant and Guinness. One's Guinness and one's Pinot Grigio.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But, yeah, Weatherspoon. So I don't know how they keep the lines at Wetherspoons in terms of the Guinness. I don't know how well they preserve their Guinness.

[Phil Ellis]

Well, they. They serve so many. They're all right.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

But if you were to have, like, a good light. Yeah, it's gonna taste a bit like bleach.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Do you mind if someone does the Guinness for me?

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, of course, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Who would you like?

[Phil Ellis]

Deepak, please.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

There's gonna be a salt beginning. Yeah. Okay. Well, that sounds good, Phil.

[Phil Ellis]

I mean.

[James Acaster]

I mean, doesn't sound good. It sounds awful.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

It's just an awful meal.

[James Acaster]

It sounds like. I'd find it hard to believe that you've never. Because you, you know, you do like to drink. I don't believe you've never had a better drink.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, no, I like. Then I used to like going for a Malbec, which my friend, you know, Mick Ferry, the comedian, very funny comedian. He would always. He got me into Malbec, but I quite like the way he'd say, well, Mark, because we had to. We couldn't say it in, like, kind of a Malbec. We'd have to be like, let's give it a go. Like, you know, have a Malbec. So it's like we're trying. So every time I order to him, I go, I'll have a Sauvignon Blanc. Suppose.

[Ed Gamble]

Why do you. Why do you feel like you need to do it like that?

[Phil Ellis]

I feel like a class traitor. If I say, right.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Especially if I say. When they say New Zealand or Chile, I go bothered. I go, one half of each.

[Ed Gamble]

If they say, next time, if they say chili, you go, yeah, I want it cold.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you gotta do that. Yeah, yeah, gotta do that.

[Phil Ellis]

But like a mouth. Yeah, I like a Malbec.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely. But that's. Are you gonna be drinking? Is this meal gonna be drinking for pleasure or effect? Because at the moment, if it comes for effect, what, the Malbec Sauvignon Blanc or the Pinot Grigio? Sorry.

[Phil Ellis]

All right. If. If I was paying for it, I'd do this.

[Ed Gamble]

You're not paying for it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Well, then I'll have a Malbec, please.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

It goes well with the society.

[James Acaster]

So you don't want the taps now.

[Phil Ellis]

You can leave them there. Because I'll probably.

[James Acaster]

You do want it.

[Phil Ellis]

Because I'll probably want to keep drinking, but I'll start if I'm flagging a bit.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Phil, is your dream drink an entire Wetherspoons bar attached to the table?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, basically, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Sounds like.

[Phil Ellis]

I tell you what, bring a couple of the locals around as well, in case I get bored.

[Ed Gamble]

Any. Any people in particular, characters from your local that you want Sat maybe in the room.

[Phil Ellis]

There used to be a local dranking in London. And. And the guy, he was. He. He had no vocal cords because he was a heavy smoker and I was a heavy smoker at the time. He always used to say, we had, like, two left, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

So he could sort of get a bit out. And he was like, you need to stop smoking, Phil, please. And then he'd always ask for a cigarette. Yeah, I'd like him.

[Ed Gamble]

You'd like him there.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Because he's, like, good to chat to. But he also had to have, like, a rest now and then, so he wasn't. Didn't go on too much

[Ed Gamble]

agony when he was talking.

[James Acaster]

Bleak. Just begging you not to smoke and then smoking in front of you.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

While you're still smoking.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, on my money.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, on your money.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. But I quit now, so.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Well done.

[Phil Ellis]

So you won't be able to anymore.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Thank you. And if you've got problems smoking, why don't you put a number there for you.

[Ed Gamble]

Put Phil's number there.

[James Acaster]

Phil's mobile number. Your dream dessert, Phil.

[Phil Ellis]

To top off this treat of a meal, what better way than a nice, perfectly defrosted Sara Lee ghetto?

[Ed Gamble]

Here we go. Of course. It's the Sara Lee gateau.

[Phil Ellis]

To Sara Lee chocolate triple chocolate ghetto, please.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

It was always my favorite growing up. And it makes. And I used to go to school with a girl called Sarah Lee. Nothing like the ghetto.

[James Acaster]

Funny story.

[Ed Gamble]

Was that. Did you mention that to her at school? Would you be like, oh, did you invent the Gateway? That sort of stuff?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, of course.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Probably the joker in the past. What a fun I was at school. No. But I did sometimes, like, looking and go, I wonder if she does 8 years eat Sarah Lee gato.

[James Acaster]

So you wouldn't make jokes out loud about it, but in your head you would think, I wonder if she eats Sarah Lee Gato.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. I'd be like. But like, if there was a cake called the filalis Sponge.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

I mean, you'd try it. But what if it was already. It wasn't for you. Yeah, just have it. Because it was, you know, called the filalis spun.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

But, you know, Frank, So I would. I don't think she'd be obligated to always have. What's for dessert?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. My ghetto.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

What are you having? Walkers. Crisps, obviously.

[Ed Gamble]

Walkers. He's just good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, he's good walkers, that guy.

[Phil Ellis]

What about you, fab lolly?

[Ed Gamble]

I. I couldn't tell you the last Time I had a Sarah Lee gato and they. Are they still going strong? You can still.

[Phil Ellis]

I've not checked the. The shares, no.

[James Acaster]

But you're still eating them?

[Phil Ellis]

No, no.

[Ed Gamble]

Are they still available?

[Phil Ellis]

I have the Audi equivalent.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, of course. Of course.

[James Acaster]

Phil has bought someone from his management here with him today. And I hope they're taking note on how skinned Phil is and that they. They really need to start working harder.

[Ed Gamble]

He's just on taskmaster.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, well, exactly.

[Phil Ellis]

Doesn't last long, that, mate.

[James Acaster]

That's gone out the window.

[Phil Ellis]

That was my lifestyle.

[Ed Gamble]

I think of all the. The king of the frozen desserts from the 1970s is the Viennetta for me.

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Never liked it, though.

[Ed Gamble]

Never.

[Phil Ellis]

But it. But no, it made it easier to come with the KFC family feast.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, it did, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

My dad loved it, but I was never a fan.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

Why didn't. Why didn't you like it?

[Phil Ellis]

I don't know. It was always like. I didn't like the effort going through the chocolate when you had to crunch through each level. I don't know. I'd like the side bit with the squiggly bit of ice cream that would go first and then I just leave the middle.

[Ed Gamble]

Will you cut it that way?

[Phil Ellis]

No, just cut. No, I'd have my slides.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And I go to go the end bits.

[Ed Gamble]

That's wild.

[Phil Ellis]

The middle was going. Anyone want that? Anyone for the middle, dad?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyone want.

[James Acaster]

You didn't want all the little bits of chocolate in there?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So you're offering your onions and the middle of a Vienna, basically.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, that's what it is.

[Ed Gamble]

Very generous, Guy.

[Phil Ellis]

Hey, hands off that Guinness. No, but the VNA is another classic frozen.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a Sarah Lee guy.

[Phil Ellis]

Ms. Sarah Lee guy.

[James Acaster]

What do you like about the Sarah? The gate.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. Thank you for specifying it was the gateau Sarah Lee. I. I hope you're doing well, wherever you are. Not seen you for 30 years, but she was a good person.

[James Acaster]

Who are you talking about now? The school?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah, the person from school.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

But, yeah, the gatter. What was the thing I like most about it? I liked. It was soft. It was just the right richness of chocolate. The sponge was nice, but sometimes you'd rush it because you'd be like, oh, I want the ghetto.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And it wasn't defrosted enough and then. But you persevere. You get through the icy middle, but you can't do that. You've got to be patient. That's a good thing about Sarah Lee. Gato's taught me the. The value of patience. Patience is a virtue.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And that's all thanks to Sarah Lee. Sometimes you want that chop chocolate hit, but give it a bit of time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

And you'll appreciate it more.

[James Acaster]

Are you having anything with the gate ice cream?

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, no, it's all in there. I think it's a nice sort of moussy texture on the outside. Nice spongy middle. You got the little hard hit on top. You've got a few. Kill chocolate. Yeah. And I'll just have an. I'd have one to myself, thank you.

[James Acaster]

A whole one?

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. Just pull a curtain around the table.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Phil Ellis]

And just as it's. The curtain's been pulled on, you see my putting my hand in it? Like, pushing my hand in it.

[James Acaster]

But you're still in your own house, right?

[Phil Ellis]

Oh, no. Do you know what? I've been imagining myself in the corner Wetherspoons now. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Pull a curtain around in your own house. What would you do? If you're eating the. You pulled the curtain around, you're eating the Sarah Ligato with your hands.

[James Acaster]

What are you poo in it?

[Ed Gamble]

You just. Yeah, you just see the curtain moving and you realize Deepak's just peeping through.

[Phil Ellis]

Or it opens up as it's running across as it.

[Ed Gamble]

It.

[Phil Ellis]

It's reopened. There's a whole audience there, and they're

[Ed Gamble]

all going, you'd like that.

[Phil Ellis]

Stand up.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Eggs splatting in their hands. Yeah. Gross. Well, I'll read your menu back to you now, Phil. See how you feel about it. You would like still water? Tap water. You would like.

[Phil Ellis]

Yes, thank you.

[James Acaster]

You want a sausage and egg baton from the Lake District for your bread course.

[Phil Ellis]

You've done that, huh?

[James Acaster]

It's not an item.

[Ed Gamble]

Magic. Magic Menu is a genie.

[James Acaster]

Oh, wow.

[Phil Ellis]

Sorry.

[James Acaster]

Start. You would like a tinned oxtail soup.

[Phil Ellis]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

The carrots flipped out. Microwave for two and a half minutes.

[Phil Ellis]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Aldi Zone main course, tomahawk steak from the free holiday in Italy at Lake Garda. Medium rare side dish, poached egg with salt and pepper on white toast. Drink Malbec, but you'd also like a Pinot Grigio tap and a Guinness tap.

[Phil Ellis]

Yes, please.

[James Acaster]

And Benito's thrown in a Coca Cola here for you.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Does a Sarah Lee triple chocolate gateau all to yourself with the curtain drawn out.

[Phil Ellis]

Yes, thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

It says a lot. I think the menu sometimes with guests says a lot about their life, and I feel like that's One of them, yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Hearing it back, I do see how that could seem a bit bleak.

[Ed Gamble]

You know what really threw me, and I thought about it at the time, but only hearing it in isolation now as it made me realize how weird it is that you start with a sausage and egg sandwich and then your side dishes. Egg on toast.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We should have picked you up on that at the time.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah. No, but I didn't. But you threw the sausages at me.

[Ed Gamble]

I never do that.

[Phil Ellis]

Well, you said, hey, you can have sausage in it if you want the bread.

[James Acaster]

Well, no, no, you said that that's what you'd had in the Lake District.

[Phil Ellis]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So we said, we can give you that.

[Phil Ellis]

All right. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

And you went, yeah, I'll have that exact thing, thank you. And then later on, we didn't know that later on as your side dish, forgive us for not presuming this, that you were going to choose egg on

[Ed Gamble]

toast with your tomahawks day that you

[James Acaster]

got on a free holiday in Italy.

[Phil Ellis]

Can I back. Do you doggy. Do you do doggy bags? Like, could I just. Yeah, well, maybe I'll just bag up the sausage egg sandwich over there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but we know where that's going.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So I don't think with a good conscience I could give you that.

[Ed Gamble]

That. Because they're only going to find it when they do your mot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Did you a doggy boot.

[James Acaster]

Open it up just like all the doggy bug from the Dream Restaurant. A dead fox.

[Phil Ellis]

It's a right off, mate.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, Phil, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

[Phil Ellis]

Well, thank. Thanks for having me. And you know what? I think we can all safely say that tour is sold out. This off the back of this. And if anyone from Hollywood's listening.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Or Morrisons.

[Ed Gamble]

Or Morrisons.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Phil Ellis]

Thank you very much for having me on. It's been an absolute pleasure. And I'm sorry if I've made any of your listeners feel physically sick.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, there we are, the first episode of series 16 done, James.

[James Acaster]

Last episode ever of the podcast.

[Ed Gamble]

One down, 19 to go in this series. And then onwards.

[James Acaster]

Oh, man.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely to see, Phil.

[James Acaster]

A disgusting menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Disgusting man.

[James Acaster]

Really, really disgusting man. But go and see him on tour doing Bath Mat also.

[Ed Gamble]

He'll look different now, though. Oh, yeah, it looked different now. So don't be scared if it's. If he looks different to how he did on the video for this.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, he'll look different because he's had hair plugs. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And they've really started to come in. I saw him the other night.

[James Acaster]

I can't wait to see.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, they've been very well done.

[James Acaster]

Listen to his podcast Early Worms as well.

[Ed Gamble]

Early Worms. Yes. Go and see bath matt phil elliscomedy.com and he's got a brand new bath mat right on his bonds.

[James Acaster]

I mean, I guess. Edgamble.co.uk yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Fresh. Hell, my tour. No hair plugs as of yet but we'll see what happens.

[James Acaster]

New haircut though.

[Ed Gamble]

New haircut to the video. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Looks great. Yeah. Huge fan of the hair.

[Ed Gamble]

James likes the hair. I'd imagine there'll be some comments below saying they don't like it.

[James Acaster]

It. They're idiots if they don't like the new hair. I. I love the old hair. Love this new hair so much.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Very excited about it.

[Ed Gamble]

Not sure my wife likes it, but that's a discussion we'll have later. Date awkward. She pushed it up the other night. She went like that and then she went there you are like the little kid in Hook.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, there you are, Peter.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, there you are. Ed Gamble UKAmble Co UK thank you.

[James Acaster]

Bye.

[Commercial Announcer]

Is your kid's birthday coming up? Don't stress the prep the party Shop at Michael's is your one stop. Shop for every theme from Bluey to Rodeo. Transform your space into a birthday wonderland with dreamworthy tablescapes and decor starting at $0.99 plus get free helium inflation on select balloon styles. Whether you're crafting a one of a kind bash or grabbing the essentials, Michaels has everything to make their big day legendary. Shop now and order ahead for delivery or in store pickup. Michaels everything to celebrate Anything.