Stevie Martin

Summary

Podcast Summary: Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster Featuring Stevie Martin

Episode Information:

• Title: Stevie Martin
• Release Date: August 6, 2025
• Hosts: Ed Gamble and James Acaster
• Guest: Stevie Martin

---

1. Introduction and Guest Welcome

[03:40] Ed Gamble:
Ed warmly welcomes listeners to the episode, expressing his excitement about having Stevie Martin as the guest. He humorously references past episodes and sets a light-hearted tone for the discussion.

[04:11] James Acaster:
James introduces the premise of the podcast, explaining that they own a dream restaurant and invite guests to choose their favorite starter, main course, side dish, dessert, and drink. This week, Stevie Martin is the featured guest.

2. Guest Background: Stevie Martin

[04:27] Ed Gamble:
Ed praises Stevie's comedic talents and her online presence, mentioning her involvement in the "Nobody Panic Podcast" alongside Tessa Coates. He highlights her versatility both online and offline.

[04:46] James Acaster:
James elaborates on Stevie's participation in "Taskmaster," expressing enthusiasm about her appearance and predicting entertaining moments based on her personality.

3. Dream Meal Discussion

Stevie Martin takes the listeners through her ideal meal, detailing each course with Ed and James providing playful commentary and reactions.

a. Starter

[31:36] James Acaster:
James prompts Stevie to share her dream starter, leading to a humorous back-and-forth about the challenges of selecting the perfect appetizer.

[32:07] Stevie Martin:
Stevie expresses her preference for a robust bread platter over traditional starters, emphasizing her love for bread and dips.

"I just sort of would want some more bread. Maybe with oil and balsamic this time."

• Stevie Martin [32:07]

[33:10] James Acaster:
James reflects on the irony, noting that many guests find bread too filling for a starter, whereas Stevie disagrees.

"I've never had anywhere close to good vegan nachos anywhere."

• Stevie Martin [56:30]

b. Side Dish

[43:08] James Acaster:
James inquires about Stevie's ideal side dish, leading her to innovate on traditional options.

[45:03] Stevie Martin:
Stevie introduces her unique take on side dishes, proposing Padron pepper poppers filled with vegan cream cheese and breaded to perfection.

"Padron pepper poppers. That's good."

• Stevie Martin [45:03]

c. Main Course

[35:07] James Acaster:
James asks Stevie about her main course, which she enthusiastically describes as a hearty plate of nachos, tailored to her vegan preferences.

"Nachos. Okay, I'll stick with them. Nachos."

• Stevie Martin [35:07]

[39:09] Stevie Martin:
Stevie delves into the preparation of her dream nachos, emphasizing the importance of reducing the chili con carne to prevent sogginess and ensuring each chip retains its structure.

"It's all about the reduction of the chili con carne. You've got to reduce that. So it's like it's not got any liquid bubbling around, it's almost dry."

• Stevie Martin [39:09]

d. Drink

[46:50] James Acaster:
James shifts the focus to Stevie's preferred beverage, prompting her to share her love for extra dry, dirty vodka martinis. She recounts a humorous anecdote about ordering her desired martini at a Soho House.

"I really like vodka martinis that are extra dry. So very, like, very little vermouth."

• Stevie Martin [46:58]

e. Dessert

[53:13] Stevie Martin:
Stevie concludes her meal with a decadent vegan apple pie accompanied by cold custard. She describes the perfect balance of sweet and sour notes, highlighting the importance of the custard's temperature to complement the hot pie.

"Piping hot, lukewarm, I think. I don't want it too hot because then everything just melts immediately and you're like, bleh."

• Stevie Martin [54:57]

4. Insights into Stevie’s Comedic Style and Tour

[17:09] Stevie Martin:
Stevie discusses her upcoming tour with her show "Clout," expressing excitement and sharing her experiences with touring, including her preference for efficient performances and her newfound love for snacks like crisps.

[18:12] Stevie Martin:
She humorously reveals her late discovery of enjoying flavored crisps, emphasizing her evolving food preferences during the tour.

"This is your thing this year?"

• Stevie Martin [18:46]

5. Challenges and Changes in the Meal

Throughout the episode, Stevie grapples with balancing her meal choices, occasionally expressing frustration with the initial suggestions and adjusting her preferences to better suit her tastes and dietary needs.

[59:08] Stevie Martin:
In a candid moment, Stevie reflects on her initial discomfort with the menu, ultimately adjusting her choices to align more closely with her real preferences.

"I don't like it. It's just that I was either that or like, a roast dinner."

• Stevie Martin [58:54]

[60:12] Stevie Martin:
She creatively merges her love for nachos with a desire for a more substantial meal, showcasing her ability to innovate within the constraints of the Dream Restaurant’s menu.

"Full size Roast dinner. And then. Oh my God, that's amazing. Thank you for having me."

• Stevie Martin [61:30]

6. Concluding Remarks

[62:00] Ed Gamble:
Ed wraps up the episode by reflecting on Stevie’s unique menu creation, acknowledging her self-doubt and the humorous twists during the discussion.

[62:52] Stevie Martin:
Stevie humorously apologizes for the menu mishaps, thanking Ed and James for their hospitality despite the chaotic ordering process.

"I messed that up so badly, but thank you for having me."

• Stevie Martin [61:50]

[62:37] James Acaster:
James offers consolation to Stevie, reassuring her that not all aspects went wrong and highlighting Stevie’s successful tour with "Clout."

[63:00] Ed Gamble:
Ed teases future episodes, encouraging listeners to stay tuned for more entertaining discussions and guest interactions.

"See you next week."

• Ed Gamble [62:50]

---

Notable Quotes:

• "I have a real issue with starters, but I don't want to."
  - Stevie Martin [31:42]

• "It's all about the reduction of the chili con carne."
  - Stevie Martin [39:09]

• "I really like vodka martinis that are extra dry."
  - Stevie Martin [46:58]

• "I don't like it. It's just that I was either that or like, a roast dinner."
  - Stevie Martin [58:54]

• "I messed that up so badly, but thank you for having me."
  - Stevie Martin [61:50]

---

Key Takeaways:

• Stevie Martin's Unique Culinary Preferences:
  Stevie's ideal meal deviates from traditional starters, favoring a hearty bread platter and a robust nacho main course tailored to her vegan lifestyle.

• Innovation in Meal Preparation:
  Her approach to preventing soggy nachos and her creative side dish ideas, like Padron pepper poppers, showcase her culinary ingenuity.

• Humorous Interactions:
  The dynamic between Stevie, Ed, and James adds a layer of humor, especially when navigating the complexities of creating a personalized dream meal.

• Personal Insights:
  Stevie shares personal anecdotes about her touring experiences, evolving food tastes, and challenges faced in maintaining dietary preferences while on the road.

• Final Reflections:
  The episode concludes on a light-hearted note, emphasizing the camaraderie between the hosts and their guest despite the playful chaos of menu creation.

---

This comprehensive summary encapsulates the essence of the podcast episode, highlighting Stevie Martin's journey in crafting her dream meal, her comedic insights, and the engaging interactions with hosts Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Whether you're a fan of the podcast or new to it, this episode offers a delightful blend of humor, culinary creativity, and personal storytelling.

Transcript

[Ed Gamble]

Oh hi, James. Have you heard the news?

[James Acaster]

Oh yeah, go on.

[Ed Gamble]

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

[James Acaster]

This is embarrassing.

[Ed Gamble]

Why is it embarrassing, man? You love YouTube.

[James Acaster]

I love watching clips on YouTube. Sure, now people can watch clips of off menu on YouTube. But it's embarrassing, man.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not embarrassing at all. It's really cool. We're on YouTube with the great and good. The coolest people in the world are on YouTube. Me, you, Logan Paul.

[James Acaster]

Who's Logan Paul? The dad from succession at Off Menu podcast. That's what Benito's calling us now. And we're on TikTok. This is embarrassing, man.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not embarrassing, man. We're cool. We're like Olivia, Rodrigo and Ed.

[James Acaster]

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us. Actually, they want to watch the Stephen Graham super cut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us. Everything that he did or bonito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube. He's going to do it.

[Ed Gamble]

Follow us at off menu official on TikTok at Off Menu Podcast on YouTube.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, listeners, meet Russell.

[Stevie Martin]

Hey.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Russell just launched a fitness app and he needed to get the word out to busy professionals looking to stay fit. So I turned to Acast. I used their smart recommendations feature to.

[James Acaster]

Easily find shows that talk about health and fitness. Booking sponsorships through their platform was a breeze.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And just like that, my app was in their ears during their morning run. Sounds like a smart move, Russell. How's business looking now?

[James Acaster]

Sweat is pouring.

[Stevie Martin]

Boring.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And so are the installs. Spread the word about your business with podcast ads on Acast. Start [e-mail] advertise.

[Ed Gamble]

Hello and welcome to the off menu podcast. Taking the. I'm not sure. I think I might have done this one before, James, but I'm going to do it anyway.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

The mint leaves of conversation.

[James Acaster]

It's not ringing any bells.

[Ed Gamble]

Muddling them in the glass with the muddler of humor.

[James Acaster]

I definitely haven't heard you say muddler before.

[Ed Gamble]

Adding the rum of content.

[James Acaster]

Now it's sounding like a good time.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe soda water. How do you make a mojito?

[James Acaster]

Yes, it's soda water.

[Ed Gamble]

Soda water of Internet mojito. It's a mojito. It's a podcastito.

[James Acaster]

That is Ed Gamble. He's a podcast heeto kind of guy. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant and we invite in every single week a guest. We ask them their favorite ever start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Stevie Martin.

[Ed Gamble]

Stevie Martin, a wonderful comic. Wonderful online content as well. James.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Stevie Martin does it all.

[Ed Gamble]

Stevie Martin does it all online, offline.

[James Acaster]

What? What else is there?

[Ed Gamble]

Midline.

[James Acaster]

Midline.

[Ed Gamble]

Midline.

[James Acaster]

Hey.

[Ed Gamble]

She's very, very funny. Looking forward to speaking to Stevie. Also a brilliant podcaster. Part of the Plosive family.

[James Acaster]

The Plosive family, of course, the Nobody.

[Ed Gamble]

Panic podcast that she does with Tessa Coates. She's under the plosive umbrella. She's under the wing of Benito.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yes, yes. I imagine Benito having wings. More than an umbrella, actually.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Even though in real life, yeah, he's more likely to be carrying an umbrella. But I. I imagine the great Benito, the character of the great Benito, to have wings, have wings.

[Ed Gamble]

And it's a very safe place to be under the wing of Benito.

[James Acaster]

It's very safe. Warm and safe under there baby birds.

[Ed Gamble]

Stevie Martin's new show, Clout is on tour.

[James Acaster]

He absolutely hates that he doesn't like.

[Ed Gamble]

That her new show Clout, is on tour soon, so keep an eye out for that and just go and follow Stevie on social media as well. She's very, very good.

[James Acaster]

And Stevie is on taskmaster, so that's very exciting.

[Ed Gamble]

Very, very exciting. Because I'd say Stevie, out of a lot of people I know, is the sort of person who is always just slightly, like, one second away from a very funny meltdown.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely. There's a reason why it's called Nobody Panic Podcast. Yes, Absolutely. Applying to the hosts.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And Stevie will panic, and I don't know what's happened on taskmaster.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

I guarantee the listeners right now, if they watch it, they're gonna see Stevie Martin panicking.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. Of course, if there's a secret ingredient, Stevie really will be panicking because we're kicking her out. The dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

That is true.

[Ed Gamble]

And we've got a brilliant secret ingredient this time, James. It's stevia.

[James Acaster]

Stevia.

[Ed Gamble]

Stevia. Suggested by the great Bonito. Because Stevie's name is Stevie.

[James Acaster]

He pulled that out of his wing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

If you.

[Ed Gamble]

If you add an er, it's stevia. Stevia's a, like, natural sweetener.

[James Acaster]

Oh, okay. I didn't know what it was.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And that's quite good, actually. Cause that is, you know, people don't really like sweeteners, so it works on every level.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it's natural. I'm pretty sure it's natural.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't. You know, I always need to check these things because I don't know if you've noticed about me, James. I like to say things about food with huge confidence, and quite often, they're wrong. And people get angry about it.

[James Acaster]

Really? See, because. Because I'm not like, you know, we said, Stevie Martin rules the online. I'm offline these days.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

I have no idea. So I still think you're right about everything.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I don't know that people call you.

[Ed Gamble]

Out correcting me all the time. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Really.

[Ed Gamble]

And correctly. You should correct me if I'm wrong, but.

[James Acaster]

Fair enough. But. But I'm walking around just regurgitating this and saying it to people and believe in it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I'm sorry, man. I got you in real trouble over the years.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I probably look like a right fool everywhere I go.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's true. That's not my fault.

[James Acaster]

I heard that's natural. That's sweet.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

What the hell? Hey, Caster. But it is mouth off again.

[Ed Gamble]

But if Stevie says stevia, and that doesn't count, her Own name. No, if she says her own name a bit wrong, we're not going to.

[James Acaster]

Kick her out, we're going to let that slide.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but if she says Stevie, she's gone. So this is the off menu menu of Stevie Martin. Welcome, Stevie, to the Dream Restaurants.

[Stevie Martin]

Hello. I've got egg on me.

[James Acaster]

Welcome, Stevie Martin, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. You said it's toothpaste or egg?

[Stevie Martin]

It's toothpaste or egg, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

Toothpaste or egg?

[Ed Gamble]

Toothpaste. Oreg.

[James Acaster]

Stevie, toothpaste or egg?

[Stevie Martin]

Eg. Yeah, it's on my shorts. So I'm thinking. No, it's not. It's on my. Is that on lapel?

[Ed Gamble]

No, lapel's up there.

[James Acaster]

The lapel, isn't it for the listener?

[Stevie Martin]

I'd imagine it's to her knee.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it was.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd imagine it's toothpaste, given the positioning of it.

[Stevie Martin]

Would you? Who brushes the teeth around the side?

[James Acaster]

That's very low. Yeah. I mean, that's like the bottom of your shirt. Round to the side. I think you've leant against something chalky.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Or I've been eating egg and it's dropped into my lap.

[Ed Gamble]

That makes more sense.

[Stevie Martin]

Just to solve the mystery immediately.

[Ed Gamble]

It also doesn't look like egg.

[James Acaster]

I would say it doesn't look like eg.

[Stevie Martin]

Yes. Okay, fine.

[Ed Gamble]

But welcome.

[Stevie Martin]

Thank you. I love the restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you. What can you see in the restaurant? What's going on?

[Stevie Martin]

So it's a very chill vibe. Because I don't. I think there's a place for your kind of. And that's fun too.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

What?

[Stevie Martin]

But I know exactly what you mean. No pipes. What's the instrument?

[James Acaster]

What?

[Stevie Martin]

For the drums.

[James Acaster]

A recorder. This song recorder? Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you mean like a fancy restaurant with like. Yeah. Like a string quartet, maybe.

[Stevie Martin]

Thank you. All right. There's none of that. I'm thinking it's kind of like, regardless of the food, I'm gonna choose. You know when you go to, like, a Mexican restaurant and you're like, yeah, I could. I could hang here for ages and have some mugweeds and talk really loudly and there's like a chill, relaxed. But they're still gonna, like, bring your cutlery. Like, you don't have to go and get your cutlery and, like, get your own water and then also do all your food and serve yourself like Lando's. Like, you can still just, like. It just feels relaxed. There's like a good colour scheme. Bright.

[Ed Gamble]

I'LL be honest, what you describe there to me, apart from you saying it's chilled, does not sound chilled in the slightest.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Because you said it's really loud and you're shouting at each other.

[Stevie Martin]

No, it's just that you can talk loudly, but there's not very loud music, so it doesn't escalate. So it's just people. And maybe there's like candlelight.

[James Acaster]

It was bright.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, I did say bright. There's a lot of candles. There's a lot of candles. Sort of like five per table.

[Ed Gamble]

It's quite dangerous.

[Stevie Martin]

It's quite dangerous.

[James Acaster]

I feel very relaxed. By boiling.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay. Yeah. There's a window open and candles keep blowing out.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Pretty breezy.

[Stevie Martin]

Boots, boots, boots, boots.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Nice.

[Stevie Martin]

That's fine.

[Ed Gamble]

I can envision it.

[Stevie Martin]

There's a place in Soho called El Camion.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

And it's not great, but actually, no, it is great. It's not relaxed. Is it good, though? This'll be a theme. I'm not gonna be able to come down hard on either. Opt. There's booths. And when you go in there, you're just like, yeah, I could hang here rather than that. Like, I've got an hour and a half slot and I simply must leave. And it's Instagrammable, you know? It's not Instagrammable. It's like a chill. I keep saying the word chill.

[James Acaster]

You can say chill.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. It's really chill.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. You'd like a chill?

[Stevie Martin]

I just want to be more chill.

[James Acaster]

Booth.

[Stevie Martin]

A chill booth.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So that I understand that you would like a chill booth to have your meal in.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. With friends.

[James Acaster]

What friends?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, wow.

[Ed Gamble]

Who's the guest for the Dream Meal?

[Stevie Martin]

The guest listed. My dream meal. William Shakespeare, of course.

[Ed Gamble]

Your friend.

[Stevie Martin]

My friend and my friend. Unfortunate name. There was a guy in my school called Michael Jackson.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

How was Michael Jackson as a. As a person? Your friend I'm talking about.

[Stevie Martin]

He had some problems. Yeah. Quite early on. I don't think your mind was saying we didn't know each other. I didn't speak to him because of his name. Obviously.

[James Acaster]

People won't be able to find him out. This isn't a baby reindeer situation. If people Google him, they're just going to.

[Ed Gamble]

Not a Googleable name.

[James Acaster]

Did he go by Mike?

[Stevie Martin]

No, he went by, like, Michael. He was like, call me Michael.

[Ed Gamble]

The King of Pop.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, Michael the King of Pop. Yeah. Poor guy. Not his fault.

[James Acaster]

Of course, if you ask to be called Michael.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, it's true. The dream guest. You've asked me for. Well, I have to say Michael Jackson now, but I don't want to. Okay, great.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely. Don't have to say thank you.

[Stevie Martin]

Thank you. Actual friends. There'd be, I think, a nice. My friend Kael really likes food and has many opinions on food.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Stevie Martin]

So he's quite good to have because.

[Ed Gamble]

We'Ve heard all of them.

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, he's been on this podcast.

[James Acaster]

Of course he has.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Yeah, he did tell me. Of course he has. Didn't he bring tequila or something?

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, we had whiskey here. It was an evening record, and I think the record was about three hours long.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Because we started drinking whiskey.

[Stevie Martin]

Great.

[James Acaster]

That won't be happening today.

[Stevie Martin]

I don't want to do that.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Stevie Martin]

I'm a very efficient woman. I'm in and out, and I don't like whiskey. That's how I like to approach restaurants as well.

[Ed Gamble]

Just to let you know. Just to let you know, I'm in and out. Despite saying my dream meal. You can hang for as long as possible. And I don't like whiskey.

[Stevie Martin]

Right, I see. I've got to have more opinions. No, Kyle. Just me and Kyle. My friend Lola. Cause she just doesn't hang about when she's ordering. Again, very chill. And then William Shakespeare, of course, because I think he'd be very out of place there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I think so. I think he'd be out of place anywhere in 2024.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, possibly. Although some people on Twitter still talk like, you know, m' lady and all of that, don't they, those men?

[Ed Gamble]

How would William Shakespeare react that a lot of his language has been taken on by incels?

[Stevie Martin]

He'd say an uncle. Yeah. No, he'd love it. Maybe he's the original incel.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I think he is, to be fair.

[Stevie Martin]

Romeo and Juliet. She's very young. Just something to think about.

[James Acaster]

Is that an incel thing?

[Stevie Martin]

No, that's a pedo thing, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

And we're back to Michael Jackson.

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, for God's sake. Well, allegedly.

[James Acaster]

Which one we talked about. Just to be clear.

[Stevie Martin]

He wasn't my friend. He was three years below me and I never spoke to him.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but you just knew. You knew of him because his name was Michael Jackson.

[Stevie Martin]

Michael Jackson.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone in my school knew about Chris Peacock because it's.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

He wasn't my year, but everyone called him Crispy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

My grandma was called Chris Martin. What, as in Coldplay? Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Your grandma.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You know that your name's similar to a celebrity's as well. No, I'll leave. Google it.

[Stevie Martin]

Short. Yeah, it's quite similar. So. Yeah, that's mine. William Shakespeare. Kale and Lola.

[Ed Gamble]

Nice.

[Stevie Martin]

I like to keep it short.

[James Acaster]

Tessa not making the cut. Husband not making the cut.

[Stevie Martin]

No. Oh, yeah, no, no. He's sort of like food as fuel. Oh, really, really difficult.

[Ed Gamble]

It annoys me when. Cause he's clearly in very good shape as well. And you're like, that's.

[Stevie Martin]

I think he's in. He's in media. As in, like, he's naturally quite lean looking. He looks strong, but he's. Yeah, I think, I mean, he swims a lot. Does that mean he's in good shape?

[Ed Gamble]

Stevie? I'm gonna say if someone says your husband's in good shape, you just go, yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

But James did say.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So there were two sides you could have taken there and you very much went with James.

[Stevie Martin]

I think I did. I think I just had to. Yeah, he's in great shape, but it is food as fuel. He takes the piss out of Huel quite a lot, but I think he would benefit quite a lot. Just sometimes he is like reader's Huel.

[Ed Gamble]

Cute.

[James Acaster]

Is he?

[Stevie Martin]

Quite. It's quite upsetting that sometimes, you know, when we're trying to make like, it's up to me often to suggest what we're eating for dinner because he'd be like, oh, anything. As you've seen, I do need direction, otherwise I will take everyone's opinion and then sort of get very hot.

[Ed Gamble]

Does he mean that? Does he mean that when he says everything, though? Oh, really?

[Stevie Martin]

Occasionally. I mean, if I was like, I don't know, a cheese slice and an onion, he'd be like, well, not that obviously. Yeah, but yeah, he will sort of, he calls it shovel it in food. He'll just be like, yeah, I'll just have some shovel in food. But what about taste?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, taste food.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, table about taste.

[Ed Gamble]

Because when I have that chat with my wife, she'll say, what do you want to eat? And I'll say, well, what do you want to eat? And she'll say, oh, anything. And then we go on an hour long conversation where I suggest things and we slowly narrow it down to the one thing she definitely wants.

[Stevie Martin]

Yes. No, that is also.

[James Acaster]

I'll tell you what, everyone loves marriage in this room.

[Stevie Martin]

I love it. Very happily married. Just difficult to cook a meal. Actually. Really easy to cook a meal.

[James Acaster]

Just saying a bonita. It's got some squares in.

[Ed Gamble]

Bonita's in a civil partnership.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

I'm technically in a Civil partnership.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So Stevie.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it doesn't count.

[Stevie Martin]

I want to ask about.

[James Acaster]

I think you guys are cool.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Oh, you got fully married.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, fully married. Old school. Don't be sorry. Had a great time.

[Stevie Martin]

Very tied up.

[James Acaster]

He sang hymns at his wedding.

[Stevie Martin]

Was there a priest?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, there was a priest. A bishop. It was Bishop. Bishop Tutu.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

No, it was just as Charlie referred to her before we met her as a goober from the council and then turns out she's a lovely lady called Lucy.

[James Acaster]

Feel bad when you meet him and they're nice making fun of you.

[Ed Gamble]

For weeks, our ceremony was very short. There was a 30 Rock quote and.

[James Acaster]

Then we finished Flaming Lips down the aisle.

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, that's good. That's very cool. Very on brand.

[James Acaster]

Yes. She got infection.

[Stevie Martin]

That's good. Say about Thrush, I was like, don't say that.

[Ed Gamble]

Sometimes. I mean, there's not many guests that would actually just say that. But I'd normally have to wait until after the episode and say to James, I wanted to say that then.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, then I'll have a good laugh. That's the benefit of being me. I get all the extra stuff. I benefit because I get all of Ed's humor after the shows. I'm a lucky boy. Most people don't get the full Ed Gamble treatment.

[Stevie Martin]

You should do off menu. The extra bite or the second Yelpins. Second. You've already done that, haven't you? Desserts.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. To be fair. Well, it was just puddings. It was called. Loads of people got annoyed at that. They were saying it should be just desserts. That's the bounce. Fair enough, guys.

[Stevie Martin]

Christ. Sometimes it's about the low hanging fruit, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

And of course you're going on tour with clout.

[Stevie Martin]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

The show that you did at Edinburgh. I did what? Can you tell the listeners?

[Stevie Martin]

Edinburgh went so well that I was just like, I think I've got to go on tour. I've never been on a tour before. You've both done tour. Are they good? Should we like them?

[Ed Gamble]

Depends.

[James Acaster]

Each their own. Let's see how you feel about it.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, James hates touring.

[Stevie Martin]

Right. I think I'd be like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

You love it?

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, I do, yeah. I quite like it.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I quite like it once I'm in the rhythm of it.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

But I do do a lot of just eating Nando's in dressing rooms in market towns.

[Stevie Martin]

I quite like to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. I used to never really gig outside of London because I was just frightened of. I don't really know. Traveling. And then I've done quite a few before Edinburgh. Did quite a few previews outside of London and would do like a bunch of. And travel around. Often known as what a tour would be like. Find it quite fun. I think I'm quite good on my own. I think I'm quite after. Make decisions based on what other people want to do simply. Just like. I'd like to eat that now and I'm not ashamed of it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

Love crisp dinners with different flavors for the different courses. I did add truffle crisps, something that I've got really into this year. I never really honestly don't think I'd ever bought a packet of crisps until this year.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that's a huge revelation.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. I've never actually gone and bought a packet of crisps myself. They're always around. Not always. They're always around, but, like, I'd take someone else's or I'd be like, oh, a lovely bowl of crisps. Or at a buffet, for example, or a party.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

But I'm. Tortilla chips loads, but not actual, like flavored crisps. And this year I've really got into them.

[Ed Gamble]

So this is your thing this year?

[Stevie Martin]

It's my thing, yeah. Yeah. It was ready salted. Oh, prawn cocktail for starters. Ready salted for your main and then. And then whatever. Like a different shape for dessert. Hula hoops.

[James Acaster]

So that's your crisp dinner that you have on tour.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it's mad to have ready salted as a main. Prawn cocktails start a beautiful salad.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Because it's like prawns.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

The little things from 70s.

[James Acaster]

Like prawn cocktail.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's like the starter prawn cocktail that it's named after.

[Stevie Martin]

What the. Yep, sure. Fruity salted palate cleanser. And you can eat it without getting bored.

[James Acaster]

Really.

[Ed Gamble]

I get bored immediately.

[James Acaster]

Put you like that. Obviously you've only salted as a side dish, like a bowl of chips.

[Stevie Martin]

See, I would have chips as a main and do quite regularly. But I'm not a bland person. It's just. It's all about the dip. I would get dips as well. So you'd get like hummus. That's it. Hummus. It would depend. I couldn't find a lot of good salsa if I could. But prawn cocktail and salsa's pretty bad.

[Ed Gamble]

I think you're gonna have a great tour.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna have a heart attack within about four days.

[Ed Gamble]

And some sort of salt Sodium imbalance, massive vitamin deficiency.

[Stevie Martin]

Cute scurvy. Yeah, yeah, that I'll get. Like I'm a sailor. Which is the true tour.

[James Acaster]

We always start with. Still love sparkling water. Stevie, what would you like?

[Stevie Martin]

I like. I've only recently got into sparkling.

[James Acaster]

Same time as the crisps.

[Stevie Martin]

My God, yes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow, you're having quite the year.

[Stevie Martin]

I'm having a massive gastronomical year and I've got into it. But I quite like it when it goes flat because it doesn't taste like still water. It's still got that, like, aftertaste. So I'd quite like, I suppose, flat sparkling. Sparkling water's been there for a while, so it's not so, like, edgy.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Stevie Martin]

Quite spiky.

[Ed Gamble]

That's kind of mad, isn't it, that when it goes flat it doesn't taste like normal water. Like, what are they, what are they putting in?

[James Acaster]

Whatever they used to carbonate it is still floating around in there. Dead.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, it's like the out breath of the gas.

[James Acaster]

CO2, carbon dioxide, just floating around in water. That's what you want.

[Stevie Martin]

That's what I want.

[James Acaster]

I'd say this is the earliest red flag we've ever had in an episode for someone's menu.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay, okay.

[James Acaster]

No one has managed to make the watercourse sound disgusting yet. And this is the first time.

[Stevie Martin]

Have you had that?

[James Acaster]

I really don't like it.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

I don't like the flat. The flat fizzy water.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't mind it.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay, great.

[Ed Gamble]

I actually prefer there's some still sparkling waters that are less carbonated, that are a bit softer.

[Stevie Martin]

Let's try after.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, so, yeah, I want a list of those.

[Stevie Martin]

Bakwa.

[Ed Gamble]

Badua.

[Stevie Martin]

Badua.

[Ed Gamble]

Not bakwa, because that's short for backwash probably, isn't it?

[Stevie Martin]

Badoir.

[Ed Gamble]

Badoir.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay, I'll have that then.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, have that.

[Stevie Martin]

Less gas.

[Ed Gamble]

You want that less gas? No, no, no. You're getting your flat, sparkling water. That's what you're getting for your dream meal.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, I do want that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's what you have.

[Stevie Martin]

Thank you. And also that means as well that people around the table who are with me, William Shakespeare or whatever. Oh, my God. Sparkling water would blow his mind.

[Ed Gamble]

It would.

[Stevie Martin]

It would then allow everyone else to partake.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

Because they wouldn't like the water was slightly off, but they wouldn't quite know why it tastes like gone off water. That's what it is. You know when a hummus goes quite lemony and you're like, yeah, I still will.

[Ed Gamble]

But like and you want that gone off water.

[Stevie Martin]

Well, you haven't asked me about my side dish yet, but it will be gone off hummus. It's quite. It's quite nice when it's lemon. Sometimes I put lemon juice in the hummus to make it taste like it's gone off a bit.

[Ed Gamble]

But hummus tastes fizzy when it's gone off, I think.

[Stevie Martin]

Well, yeah, it's the only thing that.

[Ed Gamble]

Gets more sparkling as time goes on.

[Stevie Martin]

That's so true. Yes. Still sparkling dips.

[James Acaster]

Do you like other carbonated drinks when they go flax? I do like it when, like, you know, colas go flat and stuff like that. I like that.

[Stevie Martin]

I like that as well. I used to work in a bar in the. When the thing would be off and everyone be like, oh, the syrup. It's just syrup. That'd be my drink.

[James Acaster]

Just the syrup.

[Stevie Martin]

Just the syrup. With red wine.

[James Acaster]

That was very quick.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. It's called a car matcha. It's fizzy for a calamcha.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not the syrup.

[Stevie Martin]

No.

[James Acaster]

Calamacho is half and half.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Coke and red wine.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, yeah. So I'll just do that with a little bit less syrup.

[James Acaster]

You're doing it like a barista with a shot of espresso, but you're doing it with the coke.

[Stevie Martin]

It's like an espresso wine tini.

[James Acaster]

You heard it here first.

[Ed Gamble]

An espresso wine tini.

[Stevie Martin]

It's got nothing to do with espresso.

[James Acaster]

No, no.

[Stevie Martin]

But the wine's in there. That's fine. I used to drink uni. Bailey's and Coke, mix it up. Tastes like cake mix. Looks like vomit.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Doesn't Bailey's curdle, Won't it?

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, terribly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's loads of photos in the early Facebook years of me at clubs that look like I've been sick in my own glass.

[Ed Gamble]

You were ordering that at. At clubs?

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be actually only clubs because in bars, like, people would have opinions. Whereas in clubs, like Next One, Next One, they'd be like, what? Oh, yeah, okay, fine. And they wouldn't have judgment. So you can't have order anything.

[Ed Gamble]

And after the first time you did it, they knew exactly what you were going to do. Here she fucking comes.

[James Acaster]

Kind of understand why your husband only eats for fuel. Now, about Juicy. These things constantly. It's like, I'm all right, I just need to survive. Thank you.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. I think there's a. I have a lot of combination. There's been. He did ask me if I Could stop eating. So I used to have like, not all the time, but just occasionally like kidney beans in a can, drain them and then just put mayonnaise in, pop it up, eat that in a fork. And he was like, can you stop? Just Cat, please, can you stop? Or eat it in another room? So we were in like a studio flat for a while so that I couldn't eat that. And then we've moved into a slightly like a two bed. So then I'm able to take it to my bedroom.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got your bean and mayonnaise room.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, yeah. I think that only happens like twice a year.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

And it's normally when I'm like quite hungover or like a bit morose in.

[Ed Gamble]

Terms of hangover food. Kidney beans in the tin with mayonnaise mixed in has got to be the worst. That would make me feel. That would knock me even sicker.

[Stevie Martin]

Would make you feel sick. The actual reality of it, like with most things is much better than you think. As long as you get. You don't get a bit of water in the. You know, like the water that it's in. That makes me feel a bit sick.

[James Acaster]

Pop lobs on bread. Pop lumps or bread. Stevie Martin. Pop lbs or bread.

[Stevie Martin]

Bread, bread, bread. French brigade in a basket with a little gingham serviette.

[Ed Gamble]

The listener won't have seen the mime. But you just sliced it.

[Stevie Martin]

Basically. I just sliced it and then I.

[Ed Gamble]

Put it in classic slices. Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

And pop the little napkin. I like a little bit of decoration.

[Ed Gamble]

Where are you putting the napkin?

[Stevie Martin]

Underneath the bread. So I can't answer it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Because every. Every mime you've done of it, you've done a couple of mimes. You've put the bread in the basket and then you've tried to slide the napkin underneath the bread.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, that's how.

[James Acaster]

It's like a reverse tablecloth, you know, being pulled out from underneath something.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You kind of somehow get in the napkin underneath the bread that's already in the box.

[Ed Gamble]

Would you not put the napkin in and then put the bread on top?

[Stevie Martin]

No, no, no. That's part of the art. And then also pop a napkin on top. Just stop the flies.

[James Acaster]

Okay. It's a dream restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

Stop the flight. Where are you?

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, I'm in a. Yeah, I'm in a. It's a dream restaurant. But it is next to a sewage plant. I couldn't control the geography of the dream restaurant, sadly.

[James Acaster]

Is this warm, this bread?

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But not too warm that you're like, it's just like the butter melton. I think that's. That's classic, isn't it? Who. Like that's. You simply must have that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, well, it just. Where's it coming from? Is it coming from a bakery? Is it just coming from the packet?

[Stevie Martin]

I don't want to know where anything has come from. I have just no interest in where anything has come from. I just want it to be here. Like I'm in it. Like it. I'm the wizard. It's a magical place.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Or a genie.

[Stevie Martin]

Or a genie. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

For example, I don't. I don't like. Yeah. I don't need to know. Farm to fork, you know, I mean, I am a vegan, so that's. I don't know what's happening on the farm, but, like, I don't need to know any of that stuff. It can just be. I think cheap white bread is what I want in a restaurant rather than a sort of, like, you know, when it arrives, it's like whole meal. I'm not interested in them. You just want out and about.

[James Acaster]

Like baguette.

[Stevie Martin]

I want baguette.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I think that's fair enough. This butter.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Talk me through the butter.

[Stevie Martin]

Vegan, of course.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

So I was going to. I was toying with the idea of just being like. Well, rather than be vegan. Just have what you would like and then just have a great time. I'm allergic to dairy, that's why. And I would have, like a right time with it the next day or during the meal and. But this is a fantasy land. But I still couldn't. And there's. There's some really good vegan butter. But you've got to salt it. You've got to salt it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

Otherwise it just tastes like margarine from the 70s.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Stevie Martin]

It's a real issue, so I'd want it melted. Pats. Little pats, obviously. Napkin underneath. On a little tiny plate like this.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Do you have a brand of.

[Stevie Martin]

Because, like, Flora Buttery.

[James Acaster]

Flora Buttery, Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

It's really good. Accidentally vegan.

[Ed Gamble]

So that is margarine. That's probably margarine.

[Stevie Martin]

It probably is, isn't it? It's a real shame. What's that? UPF Ultra Processed Food.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know.

[Stevie Martin]

It's apparently very bad for you. There's a book out called, like, Donate that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, I've seen that book.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, I've seen that.

[Ed Gamble]

Donate that.

[Stevie Martin]

And it was all like, vegan stuff is really bad for you. Yeah, that's like tofu. So it's a real, it's a real shame.

[James Acaster]

That's a shame, actually. Horrible for the vegans to find out because I imagine, you know, a lot of people buying that book are probably vegans.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

They're thinking about what they're eating, but they also probably think I'm on safe ground here.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because we know that we're, we've gone the better route than all these other people. And then they are like, oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, I've already got my options limited and now I can't even eat this stuff because it's ultra processed.

[Ed Gamble]

Turns out there's just no way of staying alive.

[Stevie Martin]

Turns out. Yeah, there literally isn't. The vegan cheese. Like, what is vegan cheese made of? Like it's made of nuts or coconut oil. Like, how is it doing that?

[James Acaster]

Save your show material for the tour because you don't want to waste it on this podcast.

[Stevie Martin]

You're right. You're right. Okay. Yeah. Yes.

[James Acaster]

You don't want to waste it on the pot.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't be dropping in there. How do you milk an almond gear?

[Stevie Martin]

That is my choice. I'll come back to you time and time again.

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[Stevie Martin]

Hey there.

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[Stevie Martin]

Yep. I recorded a quick ad targeted listeners interested in fashion and sustainability using Acast's audience attributes, targeting features and set my budget.

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[Stevie Martin]

Were hearing about my shop.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Stevie Martin]

Shopping sustainably. And my sales, of course.

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[James Acaster]

Let's get into your meal proper. Stevie, you dream starter. Is there a napkin?

[Stevie Martin]

It's just a napkin. I have a real issue with starters, but I don't want to. I do want more food at this point. The problem I have with starters is that it's lose, lose. Because it's either like, obviously he loves starters. I know. But it's either I love it and then it's too small, so now I'm like, well, now it's over or I don't like it and it's detracted my appetite from the main boy.

[Ed Gamble]

Interesting.

[Stevie Martin]

And also to try and get it to collaborate with the main meal, I find incredibly stressful and doesn't need. So actually I just sort of would want some more bread. Maybe with oil and balsamic this time.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, you're mixing it up.

[James Acaster]

But still a baguette.

[Stevie Martin]

I don't think so. I don't think so. I think olive bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

And then just like all the stuff in the bread. Like what's the stuff that goes in bread? Tomato bread, Olive oil bread. Fals. Focaccia.

[Ed Gamble]

Focaccia, yeah, right.

[Stevie Martin]

Nuts. Nuts. I was gonna say nuts. Walnuts. All right. I have a walnut bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Garlic, rosemary.

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, hell, that's great.

[Ed Gamble]

We can just bring you for your starter a bread, a whole bread platter with all the bread.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. In many baskets. And then it's like tear and share. You know, everyone's. Everyone's like, oh, no one's gonna be.

[James Acaster]

Sharing that with you because they've already had bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. They would probably like the stinger starter. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

William Shakespeare's not gonna be sharing.

[Stevie Martin]

It's quite a lot of bread, isn't it? But I'm not. But I. I do. I'm really into bread and I just. And I don't think it would fill me up enough for the main. It means that there's still, like a good warm up for the main.

[James Acaster]

That's interesting, isn't it? Because I'd say a lot of our guests have brought up the main problem they have with the bread basket before the meal is it fills them up. But you've said, I'm pretty sure that a bread platter will not fill me up after the bread basket I've had.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Stat. I see. I see what you're saying and I agree with it. But I'm talking sort of like a taste journey. So my taste buds won't have blown out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. By the starter. They wouldn't have tired out. Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

Tired out. And I won't be like, longing for the starter. That's just gone. And being like, well, I want more of that for my main. Can I change it to a main? You can't. Like, I don't have to think about it. I just. I just know that the main is going to be the main event. But I had. That is a lot of bread.

[Ed Gamble]

But I mean, on this, if we're talking about like a bread platter with all these different breads, you could put other things with it, like different dips.

[Stevie Martin]

All right.

[Ed Gamble]

We're back at diptown now, aren't we?

[Stevie Martin]

I think. Well, I think most of my choices are going to be dips. I'm really. I think dips is my sort of favorite food.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

I love. I can't. I hate. I hate dry meals. You know, like, when you're like, it needs a bit more juice going on. So that dips. I'm safe. I could just have dips with a spoon. That'd be nice.

[Ed Gamble]

After you do that, we eat.

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, hummus withers. Yeah. That's a thing, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

Well, almost with a spoon. Bit of olive oil on it.

[Ed Gamble]

I live with Nishkuma.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

He used to eat it like a yogurt.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

Right. As well.

[Ed Gamble]

It's like a yogurt. Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Sometimes a little bit of whole chickpeas on. If you feel fancy.

[James Acaster]

Still visit him sometimes. And there's like a completely. What I think has been like a pot of something that has been completely cleaned. And then I realize it's not completely cleaned upon closer inspection, that it is still a little bit dirty, but someone has completely, like, eaten all the hummus. And I realize it's hummus. It once contained hummus. And that he's done it again.

[Stevie Martin]

He's wiped it. He's done it again. It's just an excellent meal, and it is a complete meal.

[James Acaster]

What is your main course?

[Stevie Martin]

My main course? Nachos.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, we've already had a shout out for tortilla chips earlier on.

[James Acaster]

Do you want to take a moment to address the listeners who are currently. There are going to be some people.

[Stevie Martin]

Right.

[James Acaster]

I'm not one of them.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Getting very frustrated with this menu.

[Stevie Martin]

Why?

[James Acaster]

They're gonna think there's no way this can be her actual dream menu. She. She's a comedian. She's just trying to be funny. We know you're not. We know you.

[Stevie Martin]

I don't think that's funny.

[James Acaster]

We know you come up with something.

[Stevie Martin]

Way funnier if I was.

[G]

Actually.

[Ed Gamble]

Also, we haven't heard about the. The nachos yet. We haven't had any details.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, they're gonna be some people listening to this, so we're gonna be. No way. This is her dream.

[Stevie Martin]

Two bread courses and then nachos.

[James Acaster]

It's flat water. Flat fizzy water.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Two bread courses and now nachos. They're going to be screaming at their face.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay, okay.

[James Acaster]

So address. Just address them.

[Stevie Martin]

I'm going to address it. I understand that. I'm going to address it. So. Because I find that in restaurants, nobody does it properly, and it really gets me. I don't think I've ever been to El Camion. Does a good job, actually. I don't think I've actually been to a restaurant where there's the right source to be sort of bald. Tortilla chip ratio. You're either left with, like. Or you're, like, given loads of little pots of stuff to put on. And it's like a thimble.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Or one of those little paper. Those paper things.

[James Acaster]

Like.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Really?

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Or there's like. Like, I went to one the other week and it had kimchi and hummus. It was like, are you. Are you high? Like, that's not. That's not natural. That's just.

[Ed Gamble]

I bet you really enjoyed that though, right?

[James Acaster]

No, I hate him.

[Stevie Martin]

I love hummus. But I wasn't. I didn't want that. In that moment, like, I wanted to, you know. And like I said, I hate dry food. And nachos can be really dry and there's never enough cheese. And I make excellent nachos. It's the only thing I've ever served people when they've come out for dinner. I've only had two dinner parties. One was a takeaway. Just got everyone to order a takeaway and I paid for it. And then the other one was nachos and just orders huge trays. And it's like. You've got to get, like. It's almost like chili con carne, but poured over and then you do like four layers. Grill it, don't microwave it. Otherwise the cheese gets, like adhesive gluey. More cheese than you want. Jalapenos, sour cream, guac on the side. So that people can get their own ratio. Right. But you're. It's like huge salad bowls of stuff. Not like this tiny.

[James Acaster]

It's very close to what I used to do at one of the pubs I worked at. So we didn't put the guac and sour cream on the side, we just dumped on the top. But everything else.

[Stevie Martin]

What's.

[James Acaster]

What publishers like the Star in Gettington.

[Stevie Martin]

No, I've never been there.

[James Acaster]

Nachos, that beef chili stuff, layered that up, dumped loads of cheese all over it.

[Stevie Martin]

There's nothing better.

[James Acaster]

Grilling it, not microwaving, but then we dollop the sauce on the top. That's fine for jalapenos.

[Ed Gamble]

That's fine. If there's enough, right?

[Stevie Martin]

If there's enough. Yeah, that's fine.

[Ed Gamble]

When you're talking about the bald tortilla.

[Stevie Martin]

Chips, the bald chos.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. So how many of those should there be, if any?

[Stevie Martin]

Every single. I'll refer to it as a cho. Should have the right ratio of your hot sauce, your sort of chili con carne sauce. It should have, like a tiny little bit of guac, a tiny bit of sour cream covered in cheese and salsa.

[Ed Gamble]

Every single one.

[Stevie Martin]

Every single one. You should be able. No boiled ones, you should be able to distribute that. The sauce distribution should be even throughout. Even if it's not. You can, like, mix stuff around.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And you're eating this with a fork.

[Stevie Martin]

I think there should be enough spatial awareness of you and also enough room on the chip to be able to dip. I think you should be able to dip, but you can maybe have a fork if you must revert to that. But that just means that you've eaten it wrong, I think.

[James Acaster]

Aren't they getting a bit. Soggy with all the juices.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Well, let's talk about the sog, because surely the bottom layer is going to be. Is going to be soggy as all.

[Stevie Martin]

Not if it's been done and not been sat in its own juices. Frey just shouldn't be sat in its own juices. You should be making it to order.

[James Acaster]

What is your technique to get this right? Because this. I mean, people have been listening to this going, if I try to do this at home, it's going to sog up. I'm not going to get it. So that there's. Every chip has got. Got enough stuff on it and a little gripping point on the chip where I can always. But how are you doing this? Because people. This could change people's lives. If you're pulling this off at home.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

And I am. Regularly.

[James Acaster]

And you're not even using a fork. You're able to dip these after they've been in the chili con carne. This is. This is incredible.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. It's all about the reduction of the chili con carne. You've got to reduce that. So it's like it's not got any liquid bubbling around, it's almost dry, but it's not. That's. So you're basically cooking the chilli con carne longer than you think. And then when it goes into the grill, you're talking like five minutes. That's not enough for it to collapse under the weight of the water or the sauce. Like, it's still retaining stability, it's still got a core. And because you're doing layers, it's not like all of them in the middle are all like. They're all kind of helping each other to encase the sauce. Like, you've got your chips and there's a lot kind of go. And also, like, as well, you don't put on as much sauce as you think. As well, because you've got to think. And obviously don't put your guac in your sour cream before you put it in the grill. That's mad. You just do the chili con carne.

[Ed Gamble]

The cheese sounds like you've done that before.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. And then you've made a stew, you've made like a lasagne. Yeah. And also what's nice as well is when you add the colder dips, that cools everything down a little bit. So you're not like, oh, yeah, I.

[James Acaster]

Do want to, for the fellow vegans listening, recommend what to use for the chili.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So talk us through. Because obviously your dream nachos are going to be vegan nachos.

[Stevie Martin]

They are going to be vegan because I've never had anywhere close to good vegan nachos anywhere. So they have to be. Yeah, like, I quite like this one. There's a mince called Moving Mountains, I think, which is really nice because it doesn't have a. Quorn's got a weird. Quorn's got quite a spark. Flat, sparkling water flavor to it. It's got a bit of a. Like, what's going on here? And I don't want that in my nachos. So Moving Mountains is really nice also. You want, like, just a simple cheese, like violife, cheddar or something. Just something that's just like, not got any aftertaste. Never get. Never get a supermarket vegan cheese because they taste like Play Doh. They've got the consistency of Play Doh and they taste like Play Doh and like a horrible kind of, like, underneath it. I mean, eating it. Like that noise. But taste.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that noise. Bit of taste.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

I think that sort of checks out. That's fine. Guacamole. My mum makes amazing guacamole. And so the recipe is like. We just mash. It's not, you know. Oh, God. You know, in, like, in restaurants. And the guacamole is, like chopped. Yeah, it's like chopped and then. And chopped avocado and then bits of onion and then like some cilantro or whatever, coriander. And that's it. And you're like, no. So we mash it up. You mash up the avocado with onion. A little bit of mayonnaise. More vegan mayonnaise, lemon juice. And then shitloads of garlic, like so much garlic. And then a bit of salsa for a bit of kick from just a pot. Just the pot of salsa that you've got hanging around. Old El Paso is fine. And then you mix it all up and it's just delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a wild guacamole recipe.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, that's wild.

[Ed Gamble]

During the Edinburgh Festival, everyone always talks about going to the old. Is it the old Hoops took me there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

They're like this.

[James Acaster]

Benito loves these.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, they're massive.

[Stevie Martin]

And there's vegan ones as well.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, are there?

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Great. Yeah. Benito lost his mind when I just said that.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, it's so good. That's got to be like a week four thing, otherwise you can't really recover from it. Yeah, that's just excellent. That's actually. Yeah, you're right. That's the only place I've been, where I've been. Like, that is what I expect.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Stevie Martin]

I've been served what I expect. Thank you. So maybe those. But in the dream restaurant, but with so much bread. I regret it. The bread. I can't tell you how much I regret the bread, because the answer is simply. I don't want to start it. But I wanted to. I had to say something.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, I would say a classic starter is nachos.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Especially if you're with friends, if you share. Yay.

[Stevie Martin]

God. Okay. I suppose I have bread for my main course. Christ. Yeah. Okay, that's. That. Is that you? Thank you. Because I was wondering why I couldn't think of a starter, and it's because I only like big starters as my main.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Your dream side dish, Stanley.

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, God.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it our old friend bread again?

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, it's gotta be. No, it would have to be something that complemented it. So you're looking for something fresh, you're looking for something but not boring. Patron peppers.

[Ed Gamble]

Nice.

[Stevie Martin]

That's good, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

That came to you like a bolt from the blue.

[Stevie Martin]

That it did.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Another starter, to be fair, packed on Pepper's usually classically a starter.

[Stevie Martin]

Is it?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I say, yeah, starter. Or it's just tapas dish, isn't it?

[Stevie Martin]

What's a side dish?

[James Acaster]

You have patch and peppers as a side dish.

[Stevie Martin]

Throw this to you. What would you have as a side dish for nachos?

[James Acaster]

Nachos as a main.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. The thing is, then I'm thinking. You are thinking in the realm of padron peppers, because you're thinking, I've basically got a starter for a main. So then you're like, I'm doing bits.

[James Acaster]

And chicken strips, jalapeno poppers and like.

[Stevie Martin]

That's good. Okay, I want to change my answer. Yeah, yeah. A bit of, like, breaded, sort of, you know, deep fried. Yeah, that's great.

[James Acaster]

You got jalapenos and cheese on the nachos.

[Stevie Martin]

Again. I've been foiled by it.

[Ed Gamble]

And it would have to be like vegan cream cheese in the middle. I don't know how you feel about that.

[Stevie Martin]

Sometimes it can be okay. The Philadelphia vegan is actually okay. I mean, is it just. The texture is the same and it's quite cold tasting, so.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I thought padron peppers was a. Was a good shout.

[Stevie Martin]

No, it was more just like. I don't actually think. When push comes to shove, I know what a side dish is, broccoli. Yeah, but you could have. That is actually. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I mean, any. Any type of veg. Loads of vegetables.

[Stevie Martin]

All right. I do quite like that. Tender stem broccoli.

[James Acaster]

I thought you were going to say chips because you said how much you love them at the start, but I thought that.

[Stevie Martin]

But that's not real. That does sound like I'm just.

[James Acaster]

Nachos and chips is insane after two loaves of bread.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Which actually, to be honest, now I'm thinking about it, is quite on brand. I will. I do get excited about the bread and I am then feeling a bit sick and sad.

[Ed Gamble]

Like a salad or something.

[James Acaster]

Kidney beans and mayonnaise.

[Stevie Martin]

Kidney beans and mayonnaise on the side.

[James Acaster]

How about that? On the side.

[Ed Gamble]

There's probably kidney beans in the cilantros as well.

[Stevie Martin]

I have been known to put some grated cheese in that. Another thing, just some rice and soy sauce. That's okay though, isn't it? Just rice and soy sauce is okay as a snack. That's not gross.

[James Acaster]

You eat that sometimes.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You don't want that as your side dish.

[James Acaster]

Well, it's not gross. It's odd. That's your. That's a snack you have.

[Stevie Martin]

Is it odd? Because I think I would say that's quite straightforward.

[Ed Gamble]

They go together.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, they go together, yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

It's just like. I can't be bothered to make, you know, a stir fry, so I'll just get the components. Right. Some soy sauce. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[James Acaster]

All the components of a stir fry.

[Stevie Martin]

Very carby, isn't it? Okay, No, I will stick with. I'll go. Padron pepper poppers.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, nice.

[Stevie Martin]

There we go.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't think it's ever been done before.

[Stevie Martin]

Surely not.

[James Acaster]

So, cream cheese in the padron peppers and bread crumbed all around.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Padron pepper poppers.

[James Acaster]

Poppers. So you've never had that before, Obviously, you've just invented it.

[Stevie Martin]

No, Tommy is the thing. Someone must have made that. People have made weirder things.

[James Acaster]

You think people have stuffed a Padron pepper before?

[BetterHelp]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Peter Piper.

[James Acaster]

Peter Piper did it.

[Stevie Martin]

It's very good.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[Stevie Martin]

That's what the restaurant's called.

[James Acaster]

Invite him to your meal. Do you think Peter Piper would. Go on.

[Ed Gamble]

He's going to flip his lid when he sees the fucking peppers, isn't he? Like, can I not have one day where people don't try and give me.

[James Acaster]

Peppers everywhere I fucking go.

[Ed Gamble]

These better not be pickled.

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, pickled Padre.

[James Acaster]

Shakespeare just, like, steadily pushing the plate to one side into the bin.

[Stevie Martin]

What's the medieval version of nachos. Mutton.

[Ed Gamble]

What's the medieval version of nachos? I don't know.

[Stevie Martin]

Potatoes and mutton.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Potatoes and mutton, I think.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Your dream drink, Stevie Martin.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay. I've recently found what my drink is of, like, what I could order in a bar and be like, yeah, that is. That is what I want to drink. I really like vodka martinis that are extra dry. So very, like, very little vermouth. So little that you can't really taste it. And really dirty with loads of olive brine in it. And that won't go with nachos, but I've got the sparkling water to. I suppose. So. Yeah, that's. I think that's my favorite. I can't have the lemon martini. And also, lots of people are really rude to you when you order that.

[James Acaster]

Really.

[Stevie Martin]

And so I went to a meeting in Soho House and I was like, well, this is the time to order my martini specifically. And she went, you can't have it extra dry and extra dirty. And I was like, but I can.

[Ed Gamble]

Why?

[Stevie Martin]

And she went, that's not how you have them. I was like, okay. And then. And then I was like, well, I think you can, because I've had them other places. And then they came back and she'd done it so full of vermouth. It was like a little glass of vermouth. It was like, okay.

[James Acaster]

I fucking hate those places. Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

It was like £25. So, like, come on, man. Why would you. Why would you do that?

[James Acaster]

Every member's club fucking fuck themselves. Absolutely hate it.

[Stevie Martin]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Telling you how you have your Martin toast, not how it's done. Then passive aggressively doing the opposite that you asked for.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Even though it's, like, more expensive than anywhere else. And you probably had to. Someone had to pay a membership to get there. They've at least signed you in. But maybe you're a member of their.

[Stevie Martin]

I'm not. What I should do is I should go to Zoho House and order a pint of wine with some coke syrup in it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, do that.

[Stevie Martin]

And then just stare at her unblinkingly.

[James Acaster]

Calamacho, please.

[Stevie Martin]

Calamacho, please.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you had them, those martinis at your wedding party.

[Stevie Martin]

The Stevie Martini.

[Ed Gamble]

The Stevie Martini, of course.

[James Acaster]

Come on.

[Stevie Martin]

I made little posters.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I had loads of them. Telling people, the problem is with martinis because I take big sips.

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, they're all. Everyone was very drunk.

[Ed Gamble]

So I was like. And then I was queuing for the bar. I got my Stevie Martini. And by the time I'd walked away from the bar, I'd drunk it.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So then I had to go again and get two at a time.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

So they also didn't really know what to do to make. I had to teach them beforehand to make it behind the bar and bring my own olives, like. And then they had to go to Tesco's office halfway through to get more. Because I want to have a good.

[James Acaster]

Sound of a good party.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, I think I might have that. Or a calamacho, just to balance it out, because I've obviously really.

[James Acaster]

You know, we've let people have multiple drinks on this. So if you want a calamacho at some point.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, I think I'll start with a calamacho and then. And then go into the vodka martini later.

[James Acaster]

Do you genuinely like calamachos? Is there something you do?

[Stevie Martin]

I do. Not syrup, but, like, Diet Coke and red wine. Have had it in a long time. But I went to my old uni last year and was like, oh, my God. And then ordered the bar and they were like, we don't do wine anymore. And I was like, oh, this is a disaster. Then I actually did. I went to All Bar One and had some there. And. Yeah, people are very strange when they don't like it. When you order it, they don't like it.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it's just not a thing here, I don't think, really, is it?

[Stevie Martin]

It's not a thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Very Spanish.

[Stevie Martin]

I'm very Spanish.

[Ed Gamble]

You're too Spanish. I've often said this about you, Stevie.

[Stevie Martin]

Strange battle within me. But there's a restaurant around the corner from where I now live that actually has calamacho on the menu. And it's. And it is literally, it is a thing underneath. It's just nice and it's nice. But, yeah, it's. It's like. It tastes a bit like Dr. Pepper, I think.

[James Acaster]

I had it in the Basque country for travel, man. So the first time I ever had a color match, I was on camera. A lot of pressure. And I came back and told my nephews about it. They got very excited. I wanted to make it a barbecue. And they asked me, can you film us for Joe Lycett, please? So he can. So they did it and they were very, you know, like primary school kids, but very professional. All of a sudden, in front of the camera, they did the whole making it thing. And then I remember when it. When they made it, they went. And now to taste.

[Stevie Martin]

Like bartenders.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, it was good.

[Ed Gamble]

I had it when I did a Spanish exchange trip when I was 15 or 16. Yeah, yeah, my Spanish exchange. Jesus showed me how to make it.

[James Acaster]

Oh, wow. Yeah, that. Did you get on, you and Jesus?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we got on big time.

[James Acaster]

That's good.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he was a metalhead when he came to stay in England. He walked up, we went to pick him up from the school and he walked up to my mum and said, hello, I am Jesus. And she went, I think we'll stick with Jesus.

[Stevie Martin]

He's excellent.

[James Acaster]

I like him.

[Stevie Martin]

Calamacho, of course, that's quite young to start on my calamachos.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

A gateway to wine, I suppose.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. That's how I really got into wine.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Jesus, are you noticing there's some like. Are you getting some, like, fruity appetites.

[Ed Gamble]

I guess this one, it's very Coke caramelly.

[James Acaster]

I think that's great. That's my favorite part. Your menu so far.

[Stevie Martin]

Yes, because the other one was just bread.

[James Acaster]

Everything else has been, I like bread.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm into it.

[James Acaster]

Bonkers. But like, this is. I'd still eat it all. Your whole menu, I'd eat it.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, okay, sure.

[James Acaster]

But this is. I want that now. Drink.

[Stevie Martin]

Great. You can at any point, Benito won't let us. Listen up. You can get the new iPhone 16e with Apple Intelligence for just $49.99 when you switch to Boost Mobile. We pulled so many all nighters to give you this deal and hey, stop messing with the mic.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm just helping us catch people's attention.

[James Acaster]

This is a great deal.

[Stevie Martin]

It's exactly so. It doesn't need all that.

[Ed Gamble]

Fine.

[Stevie Martin]

Get the new iPhone 16e available at Apple Store locations and the Apple Store online.

[James Acaster]

Visit your nearest Boost Mobile store for full offer details. Apple Intelligence requires iOS 18.1 or later.

[Ed Gamble]

Restrictions apply.

[Quince]

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[James Acaster]

Your dream dessert, Stevie.

[Stevie Martin]

Right. When I look at the menu and there's a chocolate thing, I will always just be like, well, I've got to go for that, but I'm actually not going to go cup.

[James Acaster]

Not the chocolate.

[Stevie Martin]

Thing because I think so recently I had like a really good. We were on like one of them package. We were on a package holiday type thing and we were in the cantini bit where you just getting away stuff. And they had vegan apple pie or like vegan friendly apple pie with custard that you could have. It was also weirdly on the same night that we were convinced that Neil Morrissey was there as well.

[Ed Gamble]

What a night.

[Stevie Martin]

And then we had to look up where he was and he was like doing a West End show and we were like, oh, but he's got me. And then we saw the next day and we're like, that is. It couldn't look less like Neil Morrissey. Just a weird thing to just see Neil Morrissey. Very specific. So I just remember because I was really enjoying the apple pie while I'm like looking at Neil. Not him.

[Ed Gamble]

It wasn't Neil.

[Stevie Martin]

It wasn't Neil. Sorry, his name might be Neil, but it wasn't for me to say. Yeah, really like old style, like deep dish, chunky apple, sweet but not. You've got a bit of sour notes coming through. And take the time to buy some vegan custard because it's actually really nice. And no one ever, no one ever offers you anything else when you've got a vegan dessert. They're like, that's surely enough. You're like, oh, did you get a little vanilla ice cream for the lady? Yeah, yeah, please, for the lady. And then it's quite like it's often sorbet. It doesn't go, we've only got sorbet. Like, I'll put in mango sorbet on an apple pie. Like, that's fucking awful. No, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Does that, I mean, that sounds very nice.

[Stevie Martin]

Thank you. Piping hot, lukewarm, I think. I don't want it too hot because then everything just melts immediately and you're like, bleh.

[Ed Gamble]

And the custard cold.

[Stevie Martin]

Is that fine?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay. Yeah, cold's fine.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what I'd do.

[James Acaster]

Cold custard with hot apple pie. Yeah, the best combo.

[Stevie Martin]

Of course then. Yeah. You don't want hot and hot.

[Ed Gamble]

No, some people do. Some people get very angry at even suggesting the notion of putting cold custard on hot apple pie.

[Stevie Martin]

That's just so much heat.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

For your dessert. Well, that's not good. They're wrong.

[Ed Gamble]

They're wrong.

[Stevie Martin]

They are.

[James Acaster]

I think they are not very broad minded people.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, I understand. That's fine. And then some bread on it or Something. I don't know. And then a napkin.

[James Acaster]

How do you feel about the overall beigeness of your menus?

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, I'm quite horrified by it, because I think what this is doing is it's quite right, understandably, presenting me as this person who likes, like, just has, like, the palate of a child. But it's really not true. It's just that I. It was either that or like, a roast dinner. And I just thought, like. But I can. I can make a. Like, I've had so many nice vegan roast dinners out. You can get. Really. I just have never had the nachos. It's very unhealthy.

[James Acaster]

But also, you could have had the nachos as your starter and then done the roast dinner.

[Stevie Martin]

That wouldn't have gone with. Imagine ordering nachos as a starter and then having a roast. I just don't know that compliments it.

[James Acaster]

I think that's nice.

[Stevie Martin]

Right. God, it really opened my mind. I've never been to a restaurant before.

[James Acaster]

I think that would be nice.

[Stevie Martin]

That would be nice.

[Ed Gamble]

If you have been to a restaurant. El Camion.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Repeatedly.

[Ed Gamble]

For a week.

[Stevie Martin]

Because I think, actually I have had starters and they've been like bruschetta, but that is just bread as well, with tomato. That's actually Italian nachos. You've got your base and you've got your tomato.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But at least if you'd said bruschetta, then we wouldn't be like.

[James Acaster]

You got bread again.

[Stevie Martin]

That would be brilliant.

[Ed Gamble]

It looks like bread with a skirt or not.

[Stevie Martin]

But I understand how you do. You put it underneath you guys.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Put it round it.

[Stevie Martin]

The. Yeah. It's horrifying when confronted with how beige that meal is.

[Ed Gamble]

It's quite true to a lot of diets of vegans that I know, though.

[Stevie Martin]

Because I don't have that sort of diet.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, but you wish you did.

[Stevie Martin]

Maybe. It's when I go out and I'm like, well, in my worst. You know, in my. In my. My worst restaurant's always like, I basically don't have any choice. So I end up having a sort of, like, stuffed pepper that's got couscous in it with some vegetables, and it's like. And that's fine. No matter where I am, it's like, that's fine. Or there's like, a fucking burger. It's always a. Like, everyone has a burger and chips and actually really nice. But I'm quite fed up of just having that. And also, I'm quite The sadness in other People's eyes when they see there's not enough vegan options. It's like I've, like, affect the vibe of the hang. And so I suppose this is sort of like, well, hang on. I can actually just eat like a pig, like a little piggy when I'm out and just have, like, you know, all the bread, all the hearty, ridiculous stuff that I don't ever get to have. So really go for it. But I will be knocked out. Like, you're not going out after this or having after drinks? Like, I'm asleep.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what. The booth will come in really handy.

[Stevie Martin]

This is true. I can just slide down.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, slide up.

[Stevie Martin]

Oh, yeah. No, I was thinking slide off the seat and curl up underneath the table. But that's not.

[Ed Gamble]

That's not what I meant by what the booth would be handy.

[Stevie Martin]

No, you could.

[Ed Gamble]

You could do that.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, do that on any table.

[Ed Gamble]

Do that now the floor will be handy.

[James Acaster]

So you've got your mate, You've got Kyle and Bill Shakespeare there. You don't want to be, like, at the table.

[Stevie Martin]

I think he'd be okay with it. He's quite a chill guy. We went to have my first ever pie and mash the other day at a pie mash place. Then with. Cause Carol had never had pie mash before. And we went to, like, a place in. So that everyone got very angry because apparently it wasn't a specific pie and mash place.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Stevie Martin]

But it was really nice. That would have been another one, actually. Gravy pie and mash. Cause that doesn't feel very vegan. Things that don't feel vegan. I'm very interested in, like, an apple pie you don't think of is vegan bread. You do. Basically. I just had a bit of a breakdown and said bread a lot because, you know, I'm a varied woman. But it hasn't come through.

[James Acaster]

Well, let's see. I'll read your menu back to you now. You can see how you feel about it.

[Stevie Martin]

I don't like it.

[James Acaster]

Flat sparkling water.

[Stevie Martin]

I don't want it.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. As we go through, I'm trying to.

[Stevie Martin]

Be truthful, specifically, like, I'm not gonna go for the joke. And then halfway through, you were like, you sound like you're making me top. Okay, go on.

[Ed Gamble]

But each one, I want to hear whether you want to change it and why you're embarrassed by it. Okay.

[Stevie Martin]

Thank you. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You want a French baguette with salted vegan butter.

[Stevie Martin]

That's fine.

[James Acaster]

And a gingham serviette.

[Stevie Martin]

That's absolutely fine.

[James Acaster]

I back that starter bread platter with olive oil and balsamic and d. No.

[Stevie Martin]

I think I'd swap that for, like, a cheese board. A vegan cheese. No.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, sure.

[Stevie Martin]

So they've got a vegan cheese board.

[James Acaster]

And a vegan cheese board.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. With, like, crackers. So it's less bread.

[James Acaster]

So it's bread. Main course nachos.

[Stevie Martin]

I want to change it to a roast dinner.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

The nachos was the centerpiece of this whole episode.

[Stevie Martin]

Okay, I'll stick with them. Nachos. Okay. And then for starter. Tiny roast dinner.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. So changing the starter again now.

[James Acaster]

Sorry.

[Stevie Martin]

Tiny roast dinner.

[James Acaster]

Completely. Sorry.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Very, very short amount of time. Side dish, padram pepper poppers.

[Stevie Martin]

That does sound delicious. When you sent it back to me.

[James Acaster]

I was like, yes, please. I'd like some of them. Drink a Stevie martini.

[Stevie Martin]

Great. That's the only thing.

[James Acaster]

And a color matcho earlier in the meal.

[Stevie Martin]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

At some point. Just a vegan apple pie with cold vegan custard.

[Stevie Martin]

Yes. Yes. Like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Okay. So we're basically. Yeah. The starter is the main thing that you kind of was upset about it.

[Ed Gamble]

But now you're having a tiny roast dinner.

[Stevie Martin]

Now I'm having a tiny roast dinner. Yes. So, like, you know, like, when you like. Like one, like little, like a doll's.

[James Acaster]

House in the Yorkshire pudding full of.

[Stevie Martin]

You can't make Yorkshire puddings for vegans because they've got, like, milk in them. And when you do make them, they're tiny and flat, like a. Like a drinks coaster. They look like that. They're awful. So I wouldn't even be bothering with that. It would be all about the. It'd be the gravy. That's the thing. So as long as it's not a zhu. I hate it when they're like. When it's. Oh, here's your rose. It's a butternut squash with a jus on it. Can't do that. Has to be a meat substitute.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

Bisto gravy. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Roast.

[Ed Gamble]

How tiny are we talking? Because your issue with starters initially was it's something you like, but it's too small, so it's gone.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And you could have just said to us, I want a full roast dinner for my starter because it's your dream menu. We'd let you know. Yeah.

[Stevie Martin]

You have to be tiny and scuppered by the rules. All right. That I've invented that. No one said anything about restrictions. Full roast dinner, then. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[Stevie Martin]

Full size Roast dinner. And then. Oh my God, that's amazing. Thank you. And then I've got the nachos to look forward to.

[James Acaster]

Yep.

[Stevie Martin]

And then I'm not stopping there because obviously topping it off with the pie. Oh my God.

[Ed Gamble]

And you got the. Pedro. Pedro.

[James Acaster]

I was gonna say it's quite a range. Ah, Bisto. Before we wrap it up.

[Stevie Martin]

Ah, Bisto.

[Ed Gamble]

If Bisto are listening, Stevie does voiceover.

[James Acaster]

There you go.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah. Not for bisto though.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, Stevie.

[Stevie Martin]

I messed that up so badly, but thank you for having me.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, there we are, James. The wonderful Stevie Martin.

[James Acaster]

She fell apart.

[Ed Gamble]

She fell apart as. As I predicted in the intro, I think. Yeah. She fell apart probably the most anyone's changed their menu at the last second.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Really a lot of self doubt and my imagine all the way home. That's gonna be going around in her head.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And that's what we like.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

To get into our guests heads and maybe ruin their week.

[James Acaster]

Well, if there's any consolation to Stevie, you didn't choose stevia. You didn't choose the secret ingredient. So it went better.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Than you think it did. Maybe.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But it's gone worse.

[Ed Gamble]

From self doubt to clout. Stevie is on tour now with her show Clout. So go and investigate the dates for that.

[James Acaster]

Yes. It's gonna be fantastic. You should absolutely hurry along.

[Ed Gamble]

Hurry along. And we will hurry along and go and make a new episode for you next week.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Joe Watt, you got yourself a deal.

[Ed Gamble]

See you next week.

[James Acaster]

See you next week.

[Ed Gamble]

Bye Bye.

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[Ryan Seacrest]

Ordering the tacos for the meeting today.

[Stevie Martin]

Yeah, I'm not gonna order the tacos.

[James Acaster]

Uh, what?

[G]

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[Stevie Martin]

Nice.

[G]

Oh, by the way, you're emailing the meeting notes, right?

[Ryan Seacrest]

No, I'm going to easy mail them. Where's my music?

[G]

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[G]

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[Stevie Martin]

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[Stevie Martin]

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[G]

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[Stevie Martin]

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