Tim Key (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

Summary

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Off Menu Live at the Royal Albert Hall: Tim Key – Tasting Menu (Bonus Episode)

Podcast: Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster
Date: July 20, 2026
Guest: Tim Key
Location: Royal Albert Hall (Bonus Live Episode)

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Episode Overview

In this raucous bonus episode, comedians Ed Gamble and James Acaster welcome Tim Key back to the Off Menu stage, this time at the legendary Royal Albert Hall, for a special “Tasting Menu” edition. Instead of picking his own dream feast, Tim must eat his way through the menu selected by previous guest Nish Kumar—specifically, Nish’s Christmas menu. Expect classic Off Menu chaos: riffs about comedy mythologies, awkwardly sincere moments, creative insults, and copious digressions about food, family, baths, and poppadoms. The playful chemistry among the trio shines through, turbo-charged by a live audience and a delightedly disruptive Tim Key.

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Main Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Setting the Scene: A Royal Audience & Running Gags

• Live Show Energy: Ed and James introduce the “record-breaking” Royal Albert Hall run, noting it’s the most times anyone’s done shows there ([04:28]).
• The ‘Tasting Menu’ Twist: Tim Key, a former guest himself, is now served someone else’s childhood menu—Nish Kumar’s Christmas picks ([09:05]).
• Running In-Joke: Recurring callbacks to “Shall I be mother?” when breaking poppadoms, and jokes around creating mythologies or “personalities” for Tim ([29:59]).
• Playful Tussle Over Podcast Roles: Friendly teasing about James’s “genie” character and Ed’s business name-dropping, with meta-mockery of the show’s own format ([11:06]–[12:04]).

2. Banter, Traditions & Food Rituals

• Comedic Personas: The trio mock the Off Menu format itself, with Tim feigning befuddlement, mocking Ed and James’s questions, and riffing on podcast tropes ([13:15]–[14:57]).
• Name-Dropping: Jokes about how people introduce themselves and anecdotes about celebrity meetings, including “Christopher Biggins” and imagined encounters with Meryl Streep ([14:18]–[15:26]).
• The Genie Debate: Extended riff on the origins and seriousness of James’s genie character, including how it was created and the commitment to “character work” ([10:52]–[12:19]).
• Brunch Club vs. Naughty Boys: The comedians recall forming a “brunch club” at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, only to have a rival clique mock them for their wholesomeness—complete with anecdotes about “NB” (non-binary) tattoos and who was truly “naughty” ([20:14]–[21:36]).

3. Tim Key Eats Nish Kumar’s Menu: Courses & Commentary

Drink: Still Water

• “That is quite Christmassy, isn’t it?” – Tim reacts skeptically to Nish’s festive starter ([25:17]).
• Conversation meanders into Tim’s preference for bubbles, confessions about bathing rituals, and whether a sparkling water wheel is permitted ([22:58]).
• Notable Quote:
  • “I hate still water. No, I don’t hate it… I just prefer the odd bubble, if possible.” – Tim Key ([25:27])

Starter: Lamb Kebab from Owl and the Pussycat (Leicester)

• Nostalgic Connection: Nish’s selection sparks memories of family outings and discussion about real-life kebab shop orders.
• Side-Digressions: Kebab anecdotes lead to more riffs about excessive orders, and Tim’s combative responses:
  • “What do you think I am? ...It’s from the little pizza place next door. Pizza House.” – Tim Key ([44:59])
• “Shall I be mother?” running joke is expanded to slicing pizza and serving pie.
• Memorable Riff: “Shall I be mama?” for pizza ([45:48]).

Main Course: Roast Goose & Coke-Soaked Ham (Nish’s Christmas Main)

• Key’s Verdict: “Chicken Jacuzzi for the main course. Has to be.” ([46:44])
• Ed and James explain that for Nish, they enforced a holiday menu for the first Christmas special, now gently regretted ([47:09]).
• Tim tells a failed anecdote about cooking goose and not having tried ham in Coke:
  • “Long story short, that caught fire. And then what I would say is the… the ham in Coke. I’ve never had it.” – Tim Key ([47:55])
• The group agrees that not all stories are actually anecdotes ([48:08]–[49:14]).

Side: Roast Potatoes

• Quick-fire potato rankings ensue:
  • “Number one is mashed potatoes. Number two is roast potatoes. And number three, why not the dear old potato salad?” – Tim Key ([57:16])
• Ed offers a food history of “potato boulanger,” prompting Tim’s enthusiasm for village-baked potatoes ([58:11]).

Dessert: Peach Cobbler from Jackson & Rye

• Nish’s beloved but discontinued dessert is discussed, with Ed narrating Nish’s campaign to bring back “Kumar’s Cobbler” ([69:02]).
• Tim relates to such campaigns, referencing his efforts to save a favorite sweet rhubarb tea ([71:09]).
• “Well, as far as I can understand. Well, I only know this because my godson ordered a cobbler in Manchester on Saturday. And what I, what I think a cobbler is anyway, is food with… with like a roof on it or pie without walls.” – Tim Key ([69:29])
• The group riff on “food with a roof on it” as a new genre.

Drink: Malbec Wine

• Quick nod to Malbec as Nish’s chosen drink, with Tim recounting a lunch at the pub with his mum (who had Pinot Grigio and fish & chips) ([65:38]–[66:53]).

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Personal Histories, Sincere Moments, and Side Anecdotes

• Poached Egg “Tail” ([61:04]):

  • Tim describes his breakfast ritual in nitty-gritty detail, including the chef snipping the “tail” off poached eggs and the precise art of bean-scooping, before being told, “That’s a cooked breakfast, mate.”
    • “There’s none on my plate. And you conveniently forget the six grapefruit segments, you wally. Excuse my French.” – Tim Key ([63:02])

• Christmas Traditions ([51:02]):

  • Tim reminisces about a 35-person family Christmas, playing a group “bell karaoke” that “creates a song… sometimes there’s something a bit more jazzy, like pop music.”
  • James contrasts his own: “Me and my girlfriend and four cats.”

• Swans and River Feuds ([54:28]):

  • Tim tells of his dad, a river association president, who went on BBC Radio 2 to argue about a local “antisocial” swan nicknamed “Asbo."

• Heartfelt and Awkward Sincerity ([76:11]):

  • Tim: “You’ve got a very nice audience. I watched the first half from a box and it was fantastic. I was royally entertained. I think you two do a fantastic job.” ([76:25])
  • Ed and James, unable to handle the emotional sincerity, dissolve into laughter.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Building the Key Legend:
  • Ed: “He could do a show with his family called A Bunch of Keys.” ([05:37])
  • James: “Key ring.”
• On James’s Genie Character:
  • Tim: “My memory is I’ve created the next Del Boy. Well done, me.” ([12:06])
• On the Starters:
  • Tim: “How many kebabs have I had in the last three days?” ([43:06])
• Potato Ranking:
  • Tim: "Number one is mashed potatoes. Number two is roast potatoes. And number three, why not the dear old potato salad?" ([57:17])
• Christmas Chaos:
  • Tim: "Honestly, I felt very humbled to be in that side of the family. Listen to that. Just listen to your audience sometimes." ([51:52])
• On Dessert Definitions:
  • “Food with a roof on it or pie without walls. Is it? Is it?” – Tim Key ([69:29])
• On Sincerity:
  • Tim: “He doesn’t know what he wants from me… I watched the first half from a box and it was fantastic. I was royally entertained.” ([76:26])

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Tasting Menu Breakdown (as Served to Tim Key)

| Course | Nish Kumar’s Christmas Choice | Tim Key’s Commentary | |----------------|---------------------------------------------------|--------------------------| | Drink | Still Water | Prefers sparkling | | Starter | Lamb Kebab (Owl and the Pussycat, Leicester) | Fond, amused | | Main Course | Roast Goose & Ham Cooked in Coca-Cola | Goose caught fire; ham anecdote cut from film | | Side Dish | Roast Potatoes | Staunchly pro–mashed | | Dessert | Peach Cobbler (Jackson & Rye, discontinued) | Definition debate; empathy for discontinued faves | | Drink | Malbec Wine | Brief wine chat, detour into family lunch with mum |

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Key Segments & Timestamps

• Royal Albert Hall & Record Run: [04:28]–[05:37]
• Podcast Persona Mockery: [09:05]–[13:15]
• Brunch Club vs Naughty Boys: [20:14]–[21:36]
• Potato Rankings: [57:00]–[58:29]
• Christmas and Swans: [51:02]–[55:20]
• Dessert Debate (Cobbler): [69:00]–[72:07]
• Tim Key’s Sincere Verdict & Sign-Off: [76:11]–[76:41]

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Tone & Atmosphere

The episode is packed with playful, quick-fire banter—sometimes anarchic, sometimes oddly earnest, always self-referential. While riff-heavy, it’s grounded in the trio’s genuine friendship. Comedic interruptions, meta-jokes, and affectionate roasting are constants, but it’s peppered throughout with moments of real warmth and human silliness.

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Call to Action

• Show Title Puns:
  • “Tweet your Tim Key puns for his show titles to @offmenuofficial—Ben will make sure that he gets them to Tim, and there will be a signed chopping board for the best!” ([78:49])

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Summary for the Uninitiated:
If you’ve never caught an Off Menu live show, this boisterous Royal Albert Hall episode gives you vintage Ed, James, and Tim Key—riff battles, ridiculous food digressions, family folklore, and the making of podcast myth. Come for the kebabs, stay for the poppadom demolition, and leave with a newfound appreciation for potatoes, poorly handled family Christmases, and the beauty of a half-remembered anecdote.

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Transcript

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[Monica Reinagel]

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[Sports Commentator]

He's dribbling the ball with everything on the line. He's driving down the pitch. He's facing price hikes. It cuts past him. Carrier contracts, tries to block him.

[Tim Key]

Oh, he leaves him in the dust.

[Sports Commentator]

He's at the edge of the box. He cuts past the nonstop group chat, trash talk. He clears on goal. He shoots.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

No unlimited data for $25 a month.

[Tim Key]

Forever.

[Boost Mobile Announcer]

Visit your local Boost Mobile store today to get unlimited data with a price that never changes. Boost mobile. After 30gb CL, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost $25 Unlimited plan.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, it's the off menu podcast. Bonus bonus. This is one of the bonus live episodes from the Royal Albert Hall. James on our run at the Royal Albert Hall.

[James Acaster]

Record break.

[Ed Gamble]

Record breaking run at the Royal Albert Hall. The record is most amount of times we've been in the Royal Albert Hall.

[James Acaster]

No one can take that away from us. Yes, this is Tim Key, of course,

[Ed Gamble]

Tim Key doing a tasting menu. He's been on the pod before. He's back on the pod receiving the menu of another previous fan favorite guest. This was a fun one, James, as it always is when Tim's in the room.

[James Acaster]

Yes, Tim brings the fun. Everyone knows that about Tim. The the key stands for key to the fun house.

[Ed Gamble]

Key to the funhouse. Yes, and it's a universal Key.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Skeleton key.

[Ed Gamble]

Skeleton key.

[James Acaster]

We've all got skeletons in us.

[Ed Gamble]

There's so many good titles he could have if you just, you know.

[James Acaster]

Oh. If he wanted to go down the pun route, he'd never, ever run out of stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

But he's too like, oh, he's above that, isn't he?

[James Acaster]

He is.

[Ed Gamble]

If he just decided he wanted to be for the people, he'd have some really good titles.

[James Acaster]

He'd have quite the career on his hands.

[Grow Therapy Announcer]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

He could do a show with his family called A Bunch of Keys.

[James Acaster]

Oh, a bunch of Keys. They can all stand in a circle. Yeah. Key ring. Look, some of the stuff that we say in this episode might not make sense because there was a first half as well, so we might be referring back to that at some point or it just might not make sense when we went on and talked to the audience. Yes, sometimes it might not make sense.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a fun episode, though, James. So let's get on with it. This is the off menu tasting menu of Tim King.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Taking the roast dinner of conversation, putting it in the blender of humor, hitting the big red button of chat and serving it all up as just normal prison food.

[Ed Gamble]

If you're just listening to this podcast, podcast, you wouldn't have heard the. The opening half. So that prison food was a reference to a hilarious running joke in the first half about the serial killer Ted Bundy. He said Ted Bundy at the same time as me, as if he was our guest.

[Tim Key]

I love whatever's good.

[Ed Gamble]

Whatever's good.

[James Acaster]

It was famously charismatic. So I think he'd be a good

[Ed Gamble]

guess, be a good guest. Yes, yes, yes. I did a bit of research. It was what they normally serve to death row prisoners if they don't request anything. Steak, eggs, hash browns, coffee, orange juice. And then he didn't even eat it anyway.

[James Acaster]

Didn't eat it.

[Ed Gamble]

He didn't eat it.

[James Acaster]

I guess he probably had everything on his mind. Yeah, guess I'm about to die. That's a gamble. My name is James Acaster. To get me on your dream desktop. And every single week we invite a guest, announce the favourite. Ever start a main course, dessert side ish. And drink not in that order. And this week it's a tasting menu. And please welcome to the stage our guest, Tim Key.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Right there, Tim. It's Tim Key.

[James Acaster]

Tim Keys here.

[Ed Gamble]

Tim Key. How we doing, Tim?

[Tim Key]

Not bad, is it? Phone's off.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Left in the dressing rooms for

[Ed Gamble]

us, but, yeah, phone's off.

[Tim Key]

I think that's on silent.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Thank you for that. A very respectful podcast. Pardon me, what's the last text that you got?

[Tim Key]

Last text. In we go. It's tim vine.

[James Acaster]

Tim vine.

[Ed Gamble]

Tim vine.

[James Acaster]

And the text says.

[Tim Key]

Oh, that's amazing. I'll get it. I'll get onto it now.

[Ed Gamble]

Want to reveal more or should we leave it mysterious?

[James Acaster]

Give me Tim's text. Like memento.

[Tim Key]

She's put another text after that.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah.

[Tim Key]

Spoke to Jobbins and it probably won't actually be on sale till next week.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, more of those to come throughout the episode.

[James Acaster]

You excited about this, Timmy? Get someone else's menu.

[Tim Key]

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's fantastic to, you know, just sort of be at the Albert hall and discuss Tessa Sanderson's starter.

[James Acaster]

Very exciting. When you came on the podcast, originally, you chose Chicken Xacuti as your main.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, I did.

[James Acaster]

Which I had introduced you to. And then I saw your film, the Ballad of Wallace island, and you had a shout out to Chicken Security in that.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, yeah. I referenced your recommendation. To me, that was. That must have been a big moment in your year.

[James Acaster]

It was huge. I was so excited.

[Ed Gamble]

He really was. He was really excited.

[James Acaster]

We got sent in advanced screening because we were gonna interview Carey Mulligan for it.

[Tim Key]

Was it advanced?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it was advanced. I was watching it at home on my laptop. Yeah. And I had to pause it and tell my partner, Tina Djakouti just got a shout. I'm pretty sure that's down to me.

[Tim Key]

She wasn't watching it with you?

[James Acaster]

No, I didn't. No interest.

[Ed Gamble]

Not a fan. Not a fan.

[Tim Key]

But you brought her in to tell her that your recommendation had got in the movie. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Okay. She went, that's very nice, dear.

[Dani Pellegrino]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

No, thanks for speaking so warmly about the movie.

[James Acaster]

It's a lovely movie and we're all very proud of you. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Tim Key]

No, it's an absolute. Well, go down as a classic, I reckon.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tim Key]

Difficult to say, you know, because we're in the. We're in the eye of the storm. Go on. What are you going to say something about your podcast?

[James Acaster]

Was I about to say something about my podcast?

[Tim Key]

You'd be within your rights.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's going to. It will come up, Tim, just to let you know.

[James Acaster]

Come up.

[Ed Gamble]

Moving forward once we've started it properly. Because we've not started it properly yet, because. Do you remember, James is a genie in this.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard him talking on a different podcast about it as if it was like a great work of character comedy. Talking about it like he was. He was playing Rennie Artois.

[Ed Gamble]

What. What podcast was he doing now?

[Tim Key]

Comedians, comedian Stuart Goldsmith.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Talk about being the genie on that. Yeah.

[Tim Key]

You really. You really started dissecting it.

[Ed Gamble]

That's interesting. I didn't know you'd put so much work into the character.

[James Acaster]

Well, I didn't know that I did that. Do you have to go and listen to this now?

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want. Do you remember what sort of things he was saying?

[Tim Key]

I don't remember. We can put it on if you like.

[James Acaster]

Play it for everyone. I'm really serious about being.

[Tim Key]

Well, what is your view on how you came up with that character now in the cold light of day?

[Ed Gamble]

And then I'll tell you my view. Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Then I'll do mine. Could fill some questions as well.

[James Acaster]

The question is, we were gonna do a podcast and I just said to Ed, I'm gonna be a genie. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

My memory of it was that he just did it on the first episode without asking.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So then there was no chance of sort of discussing the fact that he was a genie in it?

[James Acaster]

No, my memory is. I had asked and you and Ben had both said no.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. To sort of. I mean, Casca la def. Really?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Casca la. Definitely.

[Tim Key]

My memory is I've created the next Del Boy. Well done, me.

[James Acaster]

That's what I said I was too. Go to this podcast.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, you do need to get fully into character, James. You're going to see the process.

[Tim Key]

Oh, he goes over there.

[Ed Gamble]

Does he? Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Oh, does he come out through that bit?

[Ed Gamble]

He comes out through that bit. But. Tim, do you remember. Are you a fan? If you're a fan of. Yeah. Sorry for you guys. That was amazing. James is in the lamp for you guys. Less impressive. What do people have to do to get genies out of lamps? Do you remember that from. From your childhood?

[Tim Key]

It's the old rub, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

It's the old rub. Would you like. Would you care to rub?

[Tim Key]

I'll go and have a rub, please.

[James Acaster]

I'd say this venue's big enough that most of them can see me.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, he's gone around the back. This is an unusual method from TikTok.

[Tim Key]

Sorry. My rubbing socks.

[Ed Gamble]

You can rub the back. It's not.

[Tim Key]

I'm happy to rub the spout.

[Ed Gamble]

It's dealer's choice.

[Tim Key]

I might stroke the spout.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh,

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Welcome, Tim Key back to the dream Restaurant.

[James Acaster]

We'll be expecting you for some time.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, it doesn't feel exactly like a podcast in the traditional sense.

[Ed Gamble]

That was pretty good, though. Don't you think?

[Tim Key]

Pretty good. That was fantastic.

[AllTrails Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

You're like a young Christopher Biggins.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Tim Key]

Not a criticism.

[James Acaster]

No, not. Hey, he's one of the greats. Saw him in a lift once.

[Tim Key]

Keep talking.

[James Acaster]

It was in, I believe, the Wolverhampton Premier Inn.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Wow.

[James Acaster]

Breakfast. I just had my breakfast. There was one minute to go before breakfast stopped. I was waiting for the lift to go back up to my room. It opened. Biggins there, just all over the place. Clearly just getting there as late as he could to get breakfast. But clearly it was part of Biggins normal routine. Didn't get the impression it was the first time he'd done this. As a standard for Biggins. It's one minute before breakfast finishes. He's down there.

[Tim Key]

When I met Biggins, it was in a small restaurant in Wimbledon and he was about 20 meters away from me and I heard him crystal clear saying, christopher Biggins.

[Ed Gamble]

Hang on, I do need to dig down into the story slightly.

[Dani Pellegrino]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Was Big. Was he arriving at the restaurant and telling them that he had a booking under the name Christopher Biggins or was he sat down at his table already?

[Tim Key]

It wasn't apropos of nothing. He wasn't just reminding people he was shaking someone's hand.

[Ed Gamble]

Fantastic.

[Tim Key]

Introducing himself. So actually legit.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

It's just the sheer volume. Christopher begins.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you go full name when you introduce yourself to people?

[Tim Key]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

It sounds like a bit of a sort of a, you know, clang name. Dropping yourself slightly, I'll go, Tim.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, lovely. Lovely classic.

[Tim Key]

How about you?

[Ed Gamble]

I think I go Ed. I think I go Ed. But maybe in the sort of business scenario, I might go Ed Gamble. Please don't ask me what business scenarios

[James Acaster]

I'm talking about because I've met and said Meryl Streep.

[Ed Gamble]

Have I met Meryl Streep?

[James Acaster]

What if you met Meryl Streep and she said Meryl Streep?

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah. I'd probably go, I know

[Tim Key]

Meryl.

[James Acaster]

I can't imagine her just saying Meryl.

[Tim Key]

How do you introduce yourself? Who are you?

[James Acaster]

Depends if I'm deep in character as the Genie or not. If I see Stu Goldsmith, I introduce myself as the Genie and ask him to refer to me as such throughout the podcast.

[Ed Gamble]

The Genie. Is. Is the Genie just called the Genie or is the Genie called James Acaster? This is something we've never established.

[Tim Key]

Great question.

[James Acaster]

I thought about this. I guess the Genie is just called the Genie. In Aladdin, the Genie doesn't have a name. That's like a full name. It's not like later on you learn he's called Ollie Stevens or something.

[Tim Key]

What was the example there?

[James Acaster]

Ollie Stevens.

[Ed Gamble]

But was the gene.

[Tim Key]

No, I think you're right, he wasn't called Ollie Stevens.

[James Acaster]

That genie in Aladdin is not called Holly Stevens at any point. I mean about my friend Ollie Stevens. Cheese there. Craig Simons. Of course. Yeah, that's a meal Gut in way of finding out. Most people haven't seen my new stand up show. Tim, whose menu are you hoping for?

[Tim Key]

Oh, great.

[James Acaster]

But a lot of guests on this pod, a lot of people you admire.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, you've had some absolute classics on over the years, I must say. Who would I like to be acquainted with? Yeah, Grace Dent.

[James Acaster]

Grace Dent, food critic, of course. So is that you're thinking there you just want some of the finest food recommended by.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, that would be quite a good one. I did hear Alex Horn's one and yeah, that wasn't a great menu.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that was disgusting. We did give that to someone else. I don't even know if that menu's. But if that episode's been out yet.

[Ed Gamble]

No, we have, yeah, we have given Alex's to someone else. Absolutely disgusting.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, they weren't impressed by it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Okay, well let me see, what have I got today?

[James Acaster]

Tim Key, we're giving you the off menu menu of Neshuma.

[Ed Gamble]

Look at that photo. Holy heckins.

[James Acaster]

Where is he? There. Mr.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Bond. It's.

[Ed Gamble]

It's got to be the Baftas or something, hasn't it? Jesus Christ.

[Tim Key]

Nish didn't see him there.

[Ed Gamble]

Wowzers. That is. I'd say there's probably one month every five years where Nish has trimmed his beard and had a haircut and that. That was in that window and fuck me sexy.

[James Acaster]

If you can just Google when Nish hosted the MASH report during COVID The first episode of that is absolutely crazy because he had his. Yes, he had to just do everything himself. Yeah, he tried to trim his shirt.

[Ed Gamble]

He trimmed his own beard, did it wrong and then had to shave everything off. And he looks insane.

[James Acaster]

I'm surprised Ben didn't use that as a photo.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he went with a lovely photo.

[James Acaster]

This is our guest tomorrow here.

[Tim Key]

Oh, is he?

[Quo Business Phone System Announcer]

Right.

[James Acaster]

So we thought it would be fun.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a secret by the way.

[James Acaster]

Is it?

[Tim Key]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That gets announced on the day.

[AllTrails Announcer]

Yeah,

[Tim Key]

that goes on the Instagram account, doesn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, so it goes on the Instagram account tomorrow.

[Tim Key]

They'll do that in the morning, James.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's because everyone sold out apparently.

[Ed Gamble]

Now they know it's Going, Yeah, but

[Tim Key]

it was sold out in your terms.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

You'll sell 2500 and have 20 in. But it feels full.

[Ed Gamble]

The issue is if. If any right wingers have bought tickets, they're not going to come tomorrow if they know Nish is on.

[James Acaster]

Oh, that's true.

[Ed Gamble]

All of our right wingers who come.

[James Acaster]

Oh, no. So I've just thinned out the audience even more.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Gonna play to hardly anyone. Sorry. Scrub it from your mind. Nish isn't here tomorrow. I'm getting bollocked.

[Tim Key]

When I come off, you may as well say which menu he's doing.

[James Acaster]

I can't remember

[Ed Gamble]

now, Tim, are you excited to maybe be experiencing Nishkoo mainstream menu?

[Tim Key]

I am extremely excited. He loves his food, doesn't he, Nish?

[Ed Gamble]

He does love his food. Any lovely memories of Nish that you have?

[Tim Key]

We've had a lot of meals. I once had a meal with him at something called the Lord's Tavernous. Do you know that place? Oh, God, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want to tell us what happened to him?

[Tim Key]

Well, we had a lovely meal.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

And then Nish, I think, was on, like, doing. He was doing, like, some comedy after the meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

You know you got booed off and bread rolled. Yeah, I didn't start it.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, that's not what he claims, to be fair.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. He claims that he walked into the pub after you. Well, afterwards, and you said, I'm sorry I threw the bread. Well,

[Tim Key]

I'm sorry I nipped out to the co op to get them.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. We did have a lot of brunches together, me, you and. We were at the Melbourne Comedy Festival at the same time.

[Tim Key]

Oh, yeah. Bronze Club.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. We've got.

[Tim Key]

We weren't.

[James Acaster]

We didn't call ourselves.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you call it brunch club?

[James Acaster]

No, we didn't call ourselves brunch club. We would meet up. It was like Pasco and David o' Doherty and people at Kearns and whatever. We'd get up and have brunch together. And we didn't know that there was some more edgy, kind of like more hardcore comedians who started calling us brunch club behind our backs.

[Tim Key]

Oh, yeah. But we gave as good as we got.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. We called them the Naughty Boys.

[Ed Gamble]

You win that one. Well done. Another win for brunch club. You fucking nerds.

[Tim Key]

They once came and sat with us at brunch and had three tequilas and then left.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that true?

[Tim Key]

So bloody naughty.

[James Acaster]

There was three of them. And here's the real way that, you know that we won at the end of the festival, two out of the three got Naughty Boys tattoos. Permanent nb.

[Ed Gamble]

Nb. Well, that means something different now. So well done.

[James Acaster]

Does it?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

That's the.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the traditional spelling. It's non binary, isn't it? Oh, so those tattoos now, they've just completely come out. That's amazing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but they'll hate that.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, but they'll have to do it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, they gotta do it now.

[Tim Key]

Only two of them did it. One of them wasn't actually naughty.

[Ed Gamble]

One of them wasn't naughty.

[Tim Key]

Well, he didn't get the tattoo.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not naughty enough.

[Ed Gamble]

Someone said, who was it? But I think they're so naughty, they've destroyed their careers and you won't have heard of them.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's just. That's just somebody who wants the goss. Who was it? And they're gonna go straight on social media after this and try and get some shit going. We're not idiots, they're the Naughty boys. It'd be a fun little game for you. You can look online and photos of comedians who you think are naughty and see if they have NB tattoos. You gotta find two of them and then you'll know it was done. A fun little game.

[Ed Gamble]

Fun little game.

[Tim Key]

It would be fun if they weren't. If they weren't so naughty. They're really naughty.

[James Acaster]

So naughty.

[Tim Key]

They stayed up one time. I think they were up till one. That wouldn't have worked for us. Because of the brunch.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Would you go out and have maybe one drink after your shows and go, oh, come, we must go to bed. We got brunch tomorrow.

[Tim Key]

I was trying to recruit them.

[Ed Gamble]

You're trying to get the enbies into the well.

[Tim Key]

But I thought if we can get them into our. Fold them into our brunch club, that might be good for society.

[Ed Gamble]

Your brunch club is sounding more and more Christian.

[James Acaster]

Tim would lead us in the prayer before brunch. Everyone would hold hands. Now, Tim, you had a large glass bottle of sparkling water with ice and lime and a tap water. Now, you had a water wheel. Remember that?

[Tim Key]

I had a sparkling water wheel.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

In your restaurant.

[Tim Key]

In my restaurant. Well, the thing is, the great thing about the format is you can just have anything.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Within the still or sparkling, because the genie.

[Tim Key]

You said this to Stuart on

[James Acaster]

when you got here. You said, I listened to that episode recently and I thought, that's weird. I did that a long time ago. I wonder why Tim's just listened to it. And now I know exactly why. You just listen to it is to use it as.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, they're like, listen to a couple of these tasting menu ones and listen. Listen back to your own one. I thought. No, I listened to three or four of James sort of really getting into the. Into his craft, talking to different interviewers. I learned a lot about you.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Mental health.

[Grow Therapy Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

I'm not wrong, am I? Mental health.

[Ed Gamble]

James has mental health.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I have mental health. I'm one of the few comics who has it.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you know, have you heard. I've heard a lot of that chat recently of people saying that someone has mental health.

[James Acaster]

Yes, yes.

[Ed Gamble]

But they mean it to be like, someone's struggling with their mental health. They'll go like, no, he's got mental health.

[James Acaster]

Yes. It's usually by people who really, really wanted to make it clear that they do not have mental health. Yeah. Met someone who has mental health the other day. Not me, I'm absolutely fine.

[Tim Key]

No, you weren't doing that.

[James Acaster]

No, I wasn't doing that. Probably talking about being sad, was I?

[Tim Key]

No, no, it was like when I first got here tonight, I said, it's really interesting and I was like, I got a lot out of it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but when you said that, I

[Tim Key]

went, I know you did that, but you're not. But you can't criticize me for what your reaction is to what I was saying. It was true. I listened to it and I got a lot out of it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Because we do the same job and you kind of, you know, it's interesting to see how other people are getting through it because it's not plain sailing. Would you disagree with me? You're laughing, but do you disagree with that?

[James Acaster]

I don't trust you when you're being sincere at all. This is all going somewhere.

[Tim Key]

It's not going anywhere. I'm terribly sorry. You've got mental health and you're a fantastic. Listen,

[James Acaster]

anyway, Nish had still water.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

We should say. Should we say at the top that this was actually. Nish did a Christmas special. So this is Nish's Christmas menu.

[Tim Key]

That is quite Christmassy, isn't it? Was it still.

[Ed Gamble]

You should have guessed from the still water. But this is Nish's Christmas menu.

[Tim Key]

Still water. I hate still water. Really?

[Ed Gamble]

I hate still water.

[Tim Key]

No, I don't hate it. That's putting words in my mouth. I just prefer the odd bubble, if possible.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Do you know, I mean, not day to day. I wouldn't. I wouldn't like the odd bubble. Just with my, like, first drink of

[Tim Key]

the day, maybe so your first drink of the day is that water?

[Ed Gamble]

Water or coffee? I would say ideally water.

[James Acaster]

He has two cups of coffee straight away. You can't speak to anyone until he's had two cups.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

I go too early. One in the bath, one with my breakfast.

[Ed Gamble]

Coffee in the bath.

[Tim Key]

Oh, well, yeah.

[James Acaster]

For a long time I thought all of Tim's stuff about. Because Tim had a whole show about, you know, being in the bath.

[Tim Key]

They'll know that. And they all say, that's like saying this chap played Carry On. Couldn't think of any examples. Go on.

[James Acaster]

But I remember around that time. Yeah, yeah. We'd be doing gigs or whatever. I say, what you up to today, Tim? Before I gig the same season. And you go, I'm going to have five baths and then I'm going to turn up at the venue. And I thought, that's funny. But you weren't lying. You were having so many baths. And once we were in a hotel and you had run a bath and then forgot about it and it flooded your hotel room.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And instead of immediately calling the reception desk, you thought it was so funny that you filmed your bath over running for a while and had footage of it on your phone while you're laughing like a maniac.

[Tim Key]

No recollection of that at all. But I do think that should be the format of a church show, is you just telling me anecdotes that might have happened to me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Oh, this is James interview style.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, it's brilliant.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

I don't remember that. Did I overflow the bath?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was another Melbourne story.

[Ed Gamble]

Tim, I've got a bath anecdote about you. Do you want to hear it?

[Tim Key]

Yeah. I'd like to hear another anecdote about it.

[Ed Gamble]

It came up when me, you, Alex Horn and one of Alex Horn's sons went for one of the great curries in Edinburgh.

[Tim Key]

Fantastic.

[Ed Gamble]

A lovely meal. And Alex Horne and his son were staying at your flat in Edinburgh and when they'd arrived, you'd given them the key and they went into the flat. You're living in a big flat in Edinburgh that had two bedrooms and two bathrooms.

[Tim Key]

I don't like any of this stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

And they went in and you went in the flat, but both beds had been slept in and both baths were full.

[Sports Commentator]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

It's a bit of a Goldilocks, isn't it? You know, there's a lot of restaurants where in the kitchen there's one sink where you wash the stuff up and one way you rinse it

[Ed Gamble]

so you're. You're scrubbing in one.

[Tim Key]

Well, you're forgetting about the Japanese. They have a shower, then a bath.

[Ed Gamble]

I never forget about the Japanese.

[Tim Key]

I know you don't.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

No, you're very good with the Japanese.

[James Acaster]

I like the insinuation there.

[Ed Gamble]

But the baths in Japan, the public baths, the onsen, you do have to really wash yourself down. Did you go in an onsen when you were in Japan, James?

[James Acaster]

No way.

[Ed Gamble]

Because you gotta go, like, butt naked.

[Tim Key]

I know. I went to the onsen.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you? And they make you proper scrub and they got little stools in front of mirrors where you have to wash yourself. And some of these lads are going to town for 40 minutes scrubbing themselves.

[James Acaster]

Do they have a pummel horse there?

[Tim Key]

Well, of course. In China, we went to a. We went to a bath and. Well, actually, the. The guy who directed our film, he was in there and, yeah, they were cleaning him pretty hard and. Well, anyway, they hosed. Well, anyway. Well, anyway, I'll get to the point. A jet of water was fired at his. And it hit me in the face. But he did a great job on the film that.

[James Acaster]

Wallace Island.

[Tim Key]

That's Wallace Island. Yeah, yeah. James Griffiths, fantastic director, but shouldn't link him to that anecdote.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You want to do the Kingfisher, Tim.

[Tim Key]

Pop it onto the Kingfisher.

[Michael's Party Shop Announcer]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Nish has chosen poppadour, so happy days.

[Tim Key]

Fantastic.

[James Acaster]

And of course, it's become legend on the podcast that you always, when you're in a curry house, like to smash, say, shall I be mother? And smash the papadoms with your hand.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, Fiction.

[James Acaster]

That's true fiction. That's what you do.

[Tim Key]

No, that's what you do. I do now, but that's because I have to, to fit in with my myth. Ah, yeah, it is R, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Because when I came on that podcast again, it's this podcast.

[James Acaster]

This one.

[Tim Key]

This podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the Albert Hall. Yeah. But I come on that podcast and then I'm told I do various things. That was the format. I don't know if you've tweaked it.

[James Acaster]

No, no, we've already done it. We told you two bath anecdotes that

[Tim Key]

you don't remember, but you're telling me that I go and I do. I karate chop them.

[James Acaster]

You say, shall I be mother?

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then you hit the poppadoms, either flat palmed or however you want to

[Tim Key]

do it, which I've done ever since. Yeah, yeah. But not before.

[James Acaster]

Who's to say.

[Tim Key]

So I came on and basically what happened was I met you two for an hour and then I left with a new personality.

[Ed Gamble]

It's done very well for you. You got a film? You got a film?

[Tim Key]

Yeah, I don't think I got the film entirely out of the poppadom style chicken chaccuti. Well, it did take chicken chicouti. Chicken chicouti and I usually do take a stack of poppadoms to meetings.

[James Acaster]

Well, good news, Tim.

[Tim Key]

What's under there, by the way?

[James Acaster]

Yeah,

[Ed Gamble]

well, Tim, Benito very proudly walked into our dressing room and said it's shall I be Mother's Day. And he wants. He wants everyone to know that's his joke.

[Tim Key]

I was just about to do it.

[Ed Gamble]

You were about to do it, that joke?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Were you?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Sorry, mate.

[James Acaster]

How are you feeling now?

[Tim Key]

Same as before. So am I gonna put the old. I almost put the old heel through just now, but.

[James Acaster]

No, no, please don't that.

[Ed Gamble]

Shall I be daddy?

[Tim Key]

Okay, so you want me to put the old. Put the old palm through?

[Ed Gamble]

I think so. I think you have to say, shall I be mother first?

[Tim Key]

Oh, I know what I have to say, cuz that's my personality you've given me. Well, this is for all you wonderful mothers out there.

[James Acaster]

Hell.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely exceptional. You have reduced the middle of those to absolute dust, Tim.

[Tim Key]

I would argue increased.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh man.

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely delicious.

[Tim Key]

They are. They are nice. It's nice food, isn't it? The popular. Yeah, I'm getting some of them.

[Ed Gamble]

Look at that. That's a strong palm. Tim. Key. I thought we were saving that for the end of the episode, but there we go, it's done now.

[James Acaster]

Oh, is that what we were meant to do?

[Ed Gamble]

Probably, yeah. Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Can your team not sort of piece them back together so we have another crack at them?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Bonito.

[James Acaster]

I'm going to be in so much trouble after this. I've given away tomorrow's guest.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Now I did the poppadoms too early.

[Tim Key]

Who's tomorrow's guest again?

[James Acaster]

Nish.

[Tim Key]

Nish.

[James Acaster]

Can't help it.

[Ed Gamble]

Bonito.

[James Acaster]

I've got mental health and you've got. That's Kingfisher you're drinking, isn't it?

[Tim Key]

This is Kingfisher? Yeah.

[James Acaster]

This is your dream right now. How's it feel to be living your dream?

[Tim Key]

It feels fantastic. Genuinely, I'm very happy here. I did come here once before.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you?

[James Acaster]

The Albert Hall?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

What were you doing?

[Tim Key]

Watching stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

What were you watching, Tim?

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm gonna make a call on the poppadoms. Eat them off, Mike.

[Michael's Party Shop Announcer]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Good call.

[Ed Gamble]

Right. Tim threw the crumbs back in that pile. So no one else have any crumbs.

[James Acaster]

No one's going near them. At the end of this, some horny fan is going to rush the stage and stick their face in that.

[Ed Gamble]

Tim, I don't know how you've managed it, but you brush some poppadoms off and now they've all collected in your dick. You look like you're waiting for the birds to arrive. You're like a horny version of the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.

[Tim Key]

Well, aka just the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.

[James Acaster]

Brenda fricker.

[Ed Gamble]

Brenda fricker.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Show some respect.

[Tim Key]

Oh, brenda. Brenda fricker.

[James Acaster]

Brenda fricker from casualty. Not from casualty.

[Ed Gamble]

My left foot.

[Tim Key]

I thought, I thought it was gene boat. Was it not?

[James Acaster]

Brenda fricker.

[Tim Key]

Brenda fricker.

[James Acaster]

Winning an oscar for my left foot should have filmed with mike myers, aka shrek.

[Sports Commentator]

He's dribbling the ball with everything on the line. He's driving down the pitch. He's facing price hikes and cuts past him. Carrier contracts, tries to block him.

[Tim Key]

Oh, he leaves him in the dust.

[Sports Commentator]

He's at the edge of the box. He cuts past the non stop group check chat, trash talk. He clears on goal.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

He shoots no unlimited data for $25 a month forever.

[Boost Mobile Announcer]

Visit your local Boost Mobile store today to get unlimited data with a price that never changes. Boost mobile after 30gb, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost $25 Unlimited plan.

[Grow Therapy Announcer]

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[Michael's Party Shop Announcer]

This episode is sponsored by zocdoc. Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist? And you don' to start. We've definitely been there and that's why we use Zoc Dock actually over the holidays Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed. But we hopped on to Zoc Dock, found an in network dentist, had great reviews, saw real time appointments available which was key it was on New Year's Day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressed out situation. Zocdoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250,000 local in network providers across more than 200 specialties so you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to do list. That's Z O C D O C Zoc Doc.

[Grow Therapy Announcer]

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

[Quo Business Phone System Announcer]

Running a business means you're all always reachable. Until you're not. And the moment you miss that call, a competitor picks it up. That's why this episode is brought to you by Quo spelled Q U O the business phone system Built so you never miss an opportunity. All your calls, texts and voicemails live in one place. Anyone on your team can pick up a conversation, see the full history and respond fast. Quo is the 1 rated business phone system on G2, trusted by over 90,000 businesses. Set up in minutes on any device. Keep your existing number, add teammates as you grow. No it no hassle. Quo's built in AI agent even handles after hours calls and books appointments so you're covered around the clock. Money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo Free plus 20% off your first six months at Quo.comtech that's Quo.com

[AllTrails Announcer]

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[James Acaster]

You want to Baked Hammond Bear for your starter.

[Tim Key]

Oh, what? Baked Camembert?

[Ed Gamble]

Oh yeah. Please don't have your mouth full when you read out the courses.

[James Acaster]

Sorry.

[Tim Key]

Are you too cool?

[James Acaster]

I might need to talk.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

We're cool.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we are cool.

[James Acaster]

Got some M right?

[Ed Gamble]

Let me. I'll take over this bit. There you go. Let's.

[Tim Key]

Do you two want to just chill and I'll just read questions to myself?

[Ed Gamble]

Tim, you wanted baked Camembert with fresh baguette.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know how this is going to fly now. Times have changed. Israeli French red wine.

[James Acaster]

I was going to skip that bit.

[Ed Gamble]

I wasn't. I think it's interesting. It's because you brought me a bottle of wine during lockdown, didn't you?

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Tim Key]

I was like Amelie during lockdown, just constantly sort of, you know, helping people out.

[Ed Gamble]

And you're on your bicycle most of the time, dropping off wine at people's houses and baguettes and stuff.

[Tim Key]

Because it was a difficult time, wasn't it? Hang on a second. Yeah, yeah. I went to a. I went to a wine merchant.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, you did.

[Tim Key]

And actually got a recommendation and then placed it outside your door.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, you did.

[Tim Key]

And was it nice?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

It was actually.

[Ed Gamble]

I seem to remember. It was all right. It was certainly better than the other bottle of red wine you bought me, which is Indian red wine that tasted like a burnt tire. And I tasted that. I tasted that and filmed a video of myself tasting it and put it online. Yeah, yeah. You like buying me little gifts, don't you, Tim?

[Tim Key]

Yeah. There's no shame in it.

[Ed Gamble]

There's no shame in it. I think maybe over the course of the last six or seven years, you've sent me four belts.

[James Acaster]

You've never sent me anything.

[Ed Gamble]

Me and Tim have a little to and fro.

[Tim Key]

I did actually lose a belt once and just messaged you with a belt emoji and got one two days later.

[James Acaster]

That's nice. Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, it's nice. That sort of thing, don't you think?

[Ed Gamble]

I think it's lovely, yeah.

[Tim Key]

Are you wearing one of mine at the moment?

[Ed Gamble]

I was gonna put it on this morning, and then I realized I had to do another show this afternoon and

[Tim Key]

I so perfectly use the belt twice. What's the issue with my belt?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it's. It's. It's a white belt with.

[Sports Commentator]

Right.

[Tim Key]

Like most decent belts.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. It says Ed across it in sort of.

[Sports Commentator]

Right.

[Tim Key]

Which, last time I checked, is your

[Ed Gamble]

name and it's a dolphin belt buckle.

[Tim Key]

Not a problem. I see that as four green tick emojis, but. So what belt have you got on them? What's this wonderful belt you're wearing? Just that one. Just that one is it.

[Ed Gamble]

It says eat dust.

[Tim Key]

It says what?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Eat dust.

[James Acaster]

We are doing that.

[Ed Gamble]

To be which. If you wore that belt, it would look seriously threatening. Right. Now, Tim,

[Tim Key]

So it doesn't say, eat dust off your dick, then?

[Ed Gamble]

No, it's implied with your dick knocking around. Are you ready to. Are you ready to take over the menu again, Jeannie?

[James Acaster]

You don't like doing it, do you?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I can do it.

[Tim Key]

You wanted the baked Camembert, Sort your fucking format out.

[Ed Gamble]

But you will not be having the baked Camembert because you're having the menu of Nish Kumar. And Nish Kumar wanted lamb kebab from the Owl and the Pussycat in Leicester.

[Tim Key]

What's the Owl and the Pussycat?

[Ed Gamble]

It's a pub in Leicester that out the back had a little shack that did. Did kebabs that Nish and his family used to go to. And that's what he wants for his. For his Christmas starter.

[Tim Key]

Can you put it back up there, please? Yes, Benito, I do like to see what I'm discussing.

[James Acaster]

Not always, but Benito doesn't want to do it because he wants people to be able to see us on the screen.

[Tim Key]

But. Well, hang on a minute. What is the hierarchy here?

[James Acaster]

I'm behind you. Whatever you want, he should do it.

[Tim Key]

I've just told you what I want.

[James Acaster]

Yep.

[Tim Key]

This is when the. When the bit of menu comes up that we're discussing. Let me get a head of steam before you take it down.

[AllTrails Announcer]

Right.

[Tim Key]

That's what I want.

[Ed Gamble]

When's this head of steam coming, Tim?

[Tim Key]

Well, I think that's fantastic. I love that sort of thing. A lamb kebab is fantastic. I've had. Well, I suppose it's a case of guessing. How many kebabs have I had in the last three days?

[James Acaster]

Three?

[Ed Gamble]

Four.

[Tim Key]

Four is enormous.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, there's only two ways I could go now.

[Tim Key]

Let me think. God, now you're asking.

[Ed Gamble]

Definitely not asking.

[James Acaster]

You did. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You asked that.

[Tim Key]

It's one.

[James Acaster]

One. Okay, so three days ago you had a kebab.

[Tim Key]

Might have been for Thursday, I think.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So looking back on it, do you think that was a good question you asked there?

[Tim Key]

Well, let's go through your questions then, shall we? No, I had one on Thursday. And where from? From I think it's called Kebab House.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, it sounds lovely.

[James Acaster]

What'd you go to?

[Tim Key]

Kebab mixed on chips. So no kebab to be seen, per se. Meat on the chips, salad, lamb and chicken. What do you think? I'm mixing swordfish and chicken piece. Are you serious? Put some more poppadons in your mouth.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that was a pretty stupid question.

[Tim Key]

What's he talking about?

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know, man.

[James Acaster]

I'M sorry?

[Tim Key]

Well, the last two kebabs I've had, both times they've doubled it to a large kebab when I've said small. And last time I got a pizza, which was on Friday, they gave me two pizzas instead of one.

[James Acaster]

Right.

[Tim Key]

I don't know what they're looking at. When I go into that shop.

[James Acaster]

Was it the same pizza twice?

[Ed Gamble]

Is it from. Was the pizza from Kebab House as well, Tim?

[Tim Key]

No, the pizza isn't from Kebab House. What do you think I am?

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know. You're already going to.

[Tim Key]

It's from the little pizza place next door.

[Ed Gamble]

Pizza House.

[James Acaster]

Where's this attitude coming from?

[Tim Key]

I don't know where the attitude's coming from. Truth be told, I think it's ever since the. That was a turning point when I hit the pizza, not the pizza. You get the idea. Nature's pizza. The ultimate pizza.

[James Acaster]

Have you ever.

[Ed Gamble]

Shall I be bothered. A pizza. That might be interesting.

[Tim Key]

Have I ever. Shall I be mother to pizza?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

You asking Jess Phillips that?

[Ed Gamble]

No, James.

[James Acaster]

I saw him do it. I saw him. Shall I be mother of pizza?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

I've never.

[Tim Key]

Shall I be mother to pizza?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Actually, you do do that.

[Tim Key]

Some radio show somewhere where everyone's asking me whether I shall be mother to pizza.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

You do.

[Ed Gamble]

You do do that.

[James Acaster]

You do do that. Every time people.

[Tim Key]

You two cut that sort of stuff out your game.

[James Acaster]

You could get your win.

[Tim Key]

Come on. Yeah, you.

[Ed Gamble]

And when you hit the pizza, you say, shall I be mama?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

I've not. Shall I've not. Shall I be mother to pizza? Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And then you say, me and Mum had that pizza.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. That's what you say.

[Tim Key]

What I would concede is I have. Shall I be mother to pie?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Tim Key]

And it was with, like, a mixture of, like, friends and some adults, and it didn't go down very well.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Tim Key]

It was one of those classic friends and adults situation where you can't please everyone.

[Ed Gamble]

I like that you make a distinction between friends and adults.

[Tim Key]

That's a shame, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but I know what you mean.

[Tim Key]

Well, yeah, you know what I mean when I say some gravy went on Alex Horner's dad's neck.

[Ed Gamble]

I know.

[James Acaster]

Your side dish. Oh, no, main course.

[Tim Key]

That's my main course. Next.

[James Acaster]

Your main course.

[Tim Key]

Well, first of all, full marks to that starter from Nish.

[James Acaster]

You love it.

[Tim Key]

Yeah. Lovely.

[James Acaster]

Chicken jacu for your main. Of course.

[Tim Key]

Chicken jacuzzi for the main course. Has to be.

[James Acaster]

But Nish, what you're Getting is Christmas goose with Coke soaked ham. Oh, a little bit of a different reaction now. Just say that for Nish, it was the first Christmas menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Taking it in. Oh, yeah. I can't believe you walked into that, James.

[Tim Key]

All right, take it down, Benito.

[James Acaster]

It was the first Christmas menu we did. And normally now we get people on for the Christmas specials and they do their actual dream menu and a little bonus Christmas course, whereas Nish, it's the first one we ever did.

[Tim Key]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

And we just went. Your main. Has to be a Christmas.

[Ed Gamble]

One entire Christmas menu.

[Tim Key]

I really don't think there's any shame in that at all. I don't know why you're beating yourself up about that. It's a Christmas episode and you're a food show and you've gone for Christmas food for his menu. Yeah, yeah. So don't be down on yourselves.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think we were being down on ourselves.

[Tim Key]

Well, you weren't being up on yourselves, Ed, do you want me to do two anecdotes about that dish or not?

[James Acaster]

More than anything, I would love it.

[Tim Key]

Well, I cooked goose for my parents when they came back for Christmas dinner.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Yeah. Well, anyway, long story short, that caught fire. And then what I would say is the. The. The ham in Coke.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

I've never had it.

[James Acaster]

Sounds interesting, though, doesn't it? Sounds good.

[Ed Gamble]

Are those your two anecdotes about those things, by the way? Because one of them, I would say, if you're on a podcast, never use the phrase long story short. And then the second anecdote was. You've never had it. Were those the two things.

[Tim Key]

Sorry, did I say I finished the second anecdote? Well, the point being, I'm on. We make the film and there's a scene where, if you've seen this film. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We're not talking about Mickey 17. You were in that as a pigeon.

[Ed Gamble]

You're in that.

[Tim Key]

I was in that, yeah. Not as a pigeon.

[James Acaster]

You're just as a pigeon.

[Tim Key]

I was dressed as a pigeon. What, did they hoodwink you and you thought I was a pigeon?

[James Acaster]

You're very good actor.

[Ed Gamble]

Very deep in character work.

[James Acaster]

It was very good actor.

[Ed Gamble]

Picked up some tips for the genie.

[Tim Key]

Well, anyway, it's not an anecdote, I don't think. Well, I've lost faith in it. Anyway, that's. That's the point I'd like to make. But, yeah, we. We cooked a ham in Coke in that film, and then that scene was cut, so. I don't know. You tell me. It's a It's fingers and buzzers, really. Is that an anecdote? It's not far off. I said some stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

What happened in the scene.

[Tim Key]

Convivial. It's like a moment where everyone's having a great time. Apart from Law, Tom Basdon's character.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Who's having a miserable time because he's in a bit of a pickle. And I think it's a good scene. But, you know, sometimes, you know, if you make a film that you've got to be. Have your eyes on the bigger picture.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Tim Key]

Which is, you know, get. Get to certain places at the right time and it slowed us down, but it was a very fun scene. Do you think that'll make the final episode?

[James Acaster]

Imagine if that anecdote gets cut from this episode. Then you just gotta maybe accept that Coke and ham is not your forte.

[Tim Key]

I do accept that it's never gonna work for you. I really accept it. Of course. Have you had goose?

[Ed Gamble]

I have had goose. I've had goose once, but my dad had cooked goose for his Christmas Day and I didn't spend Christmas day with him and I went over to his in the morning and my breakfast was picking cold goose off a top cut off the carcass. So, yeah, I have had goose, actually.

[Tim Key]

You were picking cold goose off the carcass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On Christmas Day.

[Ed Gamble]

No, Boxing Day.

[Tim Key]

Boxing Day.

[Ed Gamble]

Again, not really an anecdote.

[Tim Key]

When it is quiet, it does feel very quiet, this room, doesn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it's because it's designed for, you know, classical music and opera and all that sort of stuff. So, you know, the silences are pin dropped.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. We've looked, we've learned that the hard way. But it's like the third day now. We've got pretty used to it. I'd say we're too comfortable in this room.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Your dad had a feud with a goose.

[Tim Key]

My dad.

[AllTrails Announcer]

What?

[James Acaster]

I've just remembered it's a swan. Oh, yeah.

[Tim Key]

Well, I saw my dad today.

[James Acaster]

Bill Key.

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

What's it.

[Ed Gamble]

What's a Tim Key? Christmas. Like what are you eating on Christmas?

[Tim Key]

Turkey.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[Tim Key]

Yeah. I mean, what did you expect from that question?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I don't know. Do you have any, like, traditions? Did you eat something specific in the morning? Who are you spending it with? Are you cooking?

[Tim Key]

Well, last Christmas I spent with maybe 35 people.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Huh.

[AllTrails Announcer]

Huh.

[Sports Commentator]

Please.

[Tim Key]

Like your question.

[James Acaster]

I guess the question is why? Why?

[Tim Key]

It's my. My brothers side's extended family which goes. Which goes far and wide and it's the first Time I'd spent Christmas with them and it was absolutely fantastic. Loved it.

[James Acaster]

What was special about it?

[Tim Key]

Well, I mean, like, the warmth.

[James Acaster]

Like, literally this is warmer because there was 35 of you in the house.

[Tim Key]

It's very multi generational and just a lot of love in their family. Honestly, I felt very humbled to be in that side of the family. Listen to that. Just listen to your audience sometimes.

[James Acaster]

Can't imagine you there on Christmas Day, just earnestly feeling.

[Tim Key]

It wasn't earnest, it was like a proper laugh. There's one bit where everyone had a bell and he had to, like, play the bells at a certain time. But what's so good about your Christmas then? Parkrun. We did a parkrun.

[Ed Gamble]

What, 35 of you?

[Tim Key]

No, about eight of us did a park run and also it was flooded. So that anecdote doesn't really take off either.

[James Acaster]

Why were people ringing bells?

[Tim Key]

Family tradition. I mean, you can't have it both ways. You can't ask me about these traditions and then I give you one and you say, what's that about?

[James Acaster]

I think you can. It's called continuing the conversation.

[Tim Key]

Please, for God's sake, don't describe to me what a conversation is. Everyone has a bell and then you ring it at the same. You know, not at the same time, but you ring it when you're one. When it comes, it's like karaoke. So you see these little balls come up and when your red ball comes up, you've got a red bell. You go like that and you create a song and, you know, it's sort of. Some of them are like sort of old school sort of carols and things. And then sometimes there's something a bit more jazzy, like pop music.

[Ed Gamble]

That sounds lovely.

[Tim Key]

It's not bad. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, so is it.

[James Acaster]

That's a game you can buy. Buy in the shop, is it? Or they've made the video. They bought that game and it's a game they like to play, or they've made the video themselves as a family tradition.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a game you can buy in the shop.

[James Acaster]

What?

[Tim Key]

What, are you thinking of buying it? What, do you want to put a link to it?

[James Acaster]

That's like a decent game.

[Tim Key]

You'd love it.

[James Acaster]

I'd love that game.

[Tim Key]

Where did you spend your last Christmas? How many people were there?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, okay, I'm not talking to you, Ed. Do, do imagine this, the bell game being played at James's last Christmas. Let's hear it, James.

[James Acaster]

Me and my girlfriend in Four Cats.

[Tim Key]

Did the Cats have hands.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. The cat's got paws. I guess they can ring a bell.

[Tim Key]

I think you could do something with duct tape, can't you?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, one of them's got no hair, so it wouldn't even hurt him.

[Tim Key]

One of the cats?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, one of the cats.

[AllTrails Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

So my dad was. He's a great river man.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Yeah. So. And he's like. He rose and stuff, so he's like the. The president of the. The rowing association in his town.

[James Acaster]

Nice.

[Tim Key]

Yeah. And then there's a.

[Ed Gamble]

Just keeping it bobbing along, Tim, don't worry about that.

[Tim Key]

There's a swan. There's a swan on the river. And the swan is being antisocial. It doesn't. It doesn't know that, but it's. It's slightly being. It's. Well, you tell me. It's attacking the rowers or in other news, defending its nest. So then it gets into the local paper and then gets a nickname. The swan gets a nickname. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

The swan is called asbo.

[James Acaster]

Classic.

[AllTrails Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

And then there's a. My dad gets invited to go on the Jeremy vine radio show on Radio 2 to. You know how they get sometimes two people with different viewpoints to discuss something.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no.

[Tim Key]

So in the. In the blue corner, Bill Key. In the red corner, a environmentalist well within his rights. I'm in. I'm in Melbourne at the time, at the Comedy festival. I'm hanging out with Tim vine. And we finish down the pub, go back to the hotel, get a couple of beers and listen to his brother basically handing my dad his ass off. Night. Night, tim. Night, tim.

[James Acaster]

For your side dish.

[Tim Key]

My what? My what? My what, sorry?

[James Acaster]

Your side dish. A Rome artichoke.

[Tim Key]

Well, don't shout. I've not got corn cobs in my ears. What did you say?

[James Acaster]

The artichoke you had in Rome?

[Tim Key]

The artichokes I had in Rome, Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Remember those? You liked those.

[Sports Commentator]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And an Italian cigarette with that.

[Tim Key]

Yeah. It was a different era. I don't smoke anymore. No, no,

[James Acaster]

I get out. How much do they have to cut out of Norton?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

What?

[James Acaster]

How much was edited out of that Graham Norton interview you did?

[Ed Gamble]

Tim was on best behavior on Graham Norton.

[Tim Key]

I was behavior. I was being. To be fair, if you brought Carey Mulligan in with me, I'd be much more composed.

[James Acaster]

Roast potatoes.

[Tim Key]

Oh, yeah. What a great format. That's in my top three.

[James Acaster]

Potatoes, I would say that's staying up until you ask for it. Down.

[Tim Key]

Roast potatoes. And then mashed potatoes has to be in there at number one.

[Ed Gamble]

At number one.

[Tim Key]

Number one is mashed potatoes.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Tim Key]

Number two is roast potatoes.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

And number three, why not the dear old potato salad? Give it some air time.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Wow.

[James Acaster]

A lot of controversy here in the Albert Hall. One person.

[Tim Key]

Why do you think I said it

[James Acaster]

for the clown?

[Tim Key]

A court controversy.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Potato salad. What, you've got a problem with that?

[Ed Gamble]

I wouldn't put mash.

[Tim Key]

What's the one where you slice the potatoes and then there's cream and cheese and things?

[Ed Gamble]

Potato doinoise.

[Tim Key]

I'll take that.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I think that's a good choice in my top three.

[James Acaster]

What is that, number three?

[Tim Key]

What?

[James Acaster]

It's potato dopinoir's number three.

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Ben's took the slide down without you telling him he was allowed to. Yeah.

[Tim Key]

It would go roast potatoes, number two. Mashed potatoes, number one.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

And then potato dauphinoise number three, I think you'd enjoy.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you ever had a potato boulanger, Tim?

[Tim Key]

Do I look like I've had one?

[Ed Gamble]

Thinly sliced potatoes a la dauphinoise. Oh. But with onion and then stock. So it all cooks together and it's like oniony, stocky potato.

[James Acaster]

Come on.

[Tim Key]

That sounds delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. You'd like that, I think.

[Tim Key]

Yeah. What's it called again?

[Ed Gamble]

Potato boulanger? Baker's potatoes. Because when they were first invented, it would be. The bakeries would heat the ovens up to do the bread, and then when they turned the ovens off, it took a long time for the ovens to cool down. So people from all around the village would bring their potatoes and put them in the oven to cook in the slowly cooling ovens.

[Tim Key]

Fantastic.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[Tim Key]

My favorite phrase in there was all around the village, but it was. Was all pretty strong.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[Tim Key]

It does sound like a. A delicious dish. What would you have that with? Lamb and chicken together at last. Chicken together at last.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. When?

[Tim Key]

That's right. That's why I had my mixed donner on.

[Ed Gamble]

Potato manger.

[Tim Key]

Yeah. I could. I couldn't remember how to say it, but yeah. Potato manger. Hello. Hello. How are you?

[James Acaster]

I liked all the way through Tim saying his top three potatoes before he done number three. But throughout the whole thing, someone on the front row. I don't know who it was. I wasn't looking. Kept going. Hash browns. Hash brown. Hash. Hash browns.

[Ed Gamble]

Hash browns, Hash browns.

[Tim Key]

I'm on tour at the moment. How many hash browns do you think I've had in the last three days?

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

I mean, if. If I know you, you're having a fry up every morning. You're having two to three Hash browns a morning. So I'm just gonna, I'm gonna say 7 0.

[Tim Key]

Someone's not been reading my tour rules. I don't have cooked breakfasts on my. On my tour.

[Ed Gamble]

You're having a coffee in the bath. I'd imagine that's keeping you going for a bit.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, I'm trying to read Pride and

[Ed Gamble]

Prejudice in the bath.

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

How's that going?

[Tim Key]

Not great. It's a bit boring.

[James Acaster]

Sorry. Wonder if one day someone will write a book about the Royal Albert hall and all the shows that have been on here. And at some point they'll say the lowest moment was when a guest said to us, another host, guess how many hash browns I've had in the last three days? They said seven. And they went none.

[Tim Key]

Well, we'd have to have a look at who else has performed here. Yesterday I had a slice of toast, a poached egg where. When he got the poached egg out. Because it was at one of those stations where he's like, you know, a bit of a well done US station. And he's pulling out this poached egg and he cuts the. He cuts the poached egg to get rid of the tail.

[Ed Gamble]

The tail, yeah.

[Tim Key]

What exactly do you want from me?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

This is great.

[Ed Gamble]

I loved hearing about the tail on a poach deck.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

I've never heard it.

[Tim Key]

That is like right on message. That's talking about food.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Yeah, yeah. But then. So why have you stopped halfway through

[Ed Gamble]

and said, what do you want from me?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

We're enjoying it.

[Ed Gamble]

We're listening to you.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Cut the tail off the poached egg. I smiled.

[Ed Gamble]

I was like, that's a lovely way of doing. Very poetic from.

[Tim Key]

I've never seen the smile before. I wasn't sure what it was.

[Ed Gamble]

I was enjoying it.

[Tim Key]

And then you packed the tail off

[Ed Gamble]

the tail off the French egg. We're straight back in. Let's go.

[Michael's Party Shop Announcer]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then I have that with.

[Tim Key]

Well, I get some butter and I put that on the toast whilst I'm getting the rest of the stuff so that can melt within its parcel.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[Tim Key]

Then I get one sausage.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

And then I get one spoonful of baked beans. But there was. It was not thick enough. The baked bean sauce wasn't thick enough because I think everyone had been doing the same as me. Just trying to like skim off the beans.

[Ed Gamble]

Right, okay.

[Tim Key]

And not take the juice.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

And this was about 9:45.

[Ed Gamble]

So you're. You're eating at Biggins Time here.

[Tim Key]

I'm what?

[Ed Gamble]

You're eating at Biggins time.

[Tim Key]

I don't know why you're shouting at me.

[James Acaster]

Site visiting our granddad in the old folks home and we don't know from one question to the next who's going to respond to us.

[Ed Gamble]

This is exactly that.

[Tim Key]

What do you want from me?

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Who's been scuming the beans off the

[Tim Key]

top, small bowl of grapefruit segments and two orange juices.

[Ed Gamble]

Is this what you're having every morning on tour, Tim?

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

All right. Well I got news for you. That's a cooked breakfast, mate.

[Tim Key]

That's not a cooked breakfast.

[Ed Gamble]

That's not a cooked breakfast. You're having egg, beans, toast and sausage, you maniac.

[Tim Key]

Point to the mushrooms, point to the fried egg.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

That's. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that those things that are on there, it's still a cooked breakfast.

[Tim Key]

Point to the bacon.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

I don't need to point to the bacon. It's a cooked breakfast. It's breakfast food.

[Tim Key]

You're not pointing to the bacon cuz it can't point to the bacon.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't need to.

[Tim Key]

There's none on my plate. And you conveniently forget the six grapefruit segments, you wally. Excuse my French.

[Dani Pellegrino]

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[James Acaster]

So you had a different drink with every course, Tim, when you did it? Yeah, Nish just did his dream drink, which was Malbec Wine. Yeah, yeah, the wine. Sorry.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, wine. My mum had a Pinot Grigio at lunch today.

[Ed Gamble]

Today?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Because you took your mum out for Mother's Day today.

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, sorry, I can't work up them.

[Ed Gamble]

I can't work out who the enemy is on this podcast anymore. You chuck out a detail.

[Tim Key]

There doesn't have to be an enemy, does it?

[James Acaster]

You chuck out a detail we've not asked about. You go my mama Grigio date and you look at both of us like, I dare you to ask me a poll. I'm going through my head of all the follow up questions I could ask. Yeah, all of them are going to get you. Being like, what's your fucking problem?

[Tim Key]

No, that's a misrepresentation. No, she had a.

[Ed Gamble]

Where did you go for lunch, if you don't mind?

[Tim Key]

My local pub.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[Tim Key]

Yeah. And she had fish and chips. Finished it all and.

[Ed Gamble]

Well done, mum.

[Tim Key]

Pinot Grigio and pudding. Yeah. Diabetic. No offense, but

[Ed Gamble]

do you think I get offended by other diabetics? Type one, type two, spit the diff.

[Tim Key]

She shouldn't be doing what she's doing, let's put it that way. She takes the sugar off a donut before she eats it.

[Ed Gamble]

Scrape or lick? Lick. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We arrive at the dessert, Tim.

[Tim Key]

We arrive at the dessert. Love that phrase. We arrive at the dessert.

[James Acaster]

You wanted to eat around a banoffee pie.

[Tim Key]

Well, the issue there is I love my favorite dessert is the banoffee pie. I'm my father's son and it has. It traditionally has cream and I don't like cream, so I would still get the Banoffee pie, but I'll eat around the cream.

[James Acaster]

Got you.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Great.

[Ed Gamble]

Would you consider getting your mum to lick the cream off your banofi pie?

[James Acaster]

Why would you. Why would you do this to both of us?

[Sports Commentator]

It's.

[James Acaster]

We're dead.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I would. I mean, I don't like to see how the sausages are made, but if she. If she brings me a banoffee pie and the cream's not there. I'm not asking whether she's. Ask no questions here, no lies. I can't be asking my mother every time I see something's been removed, whether she's licked it off. We've got rid of some of your children's books. Did you lick them out?

[Ed Gamble]

It's a wonderful Mother's Day episode, this, I think.

[Tim Key]

Well, it's not a Mother's Day episode, is it?

[James Acaster]

Isn't it? Well, you tell me right now it is.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, it is now.

[AllTrails Announcer]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. As we speak. Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Will it go out earlier today?

[James Acaster]

Maybe Next Mother's Day?

[Tim Key]

Of course, maybe.

[James Acaster]

Let's not rule that out.

[Tim Key]

I don't think we can rule anything out at this stage.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Tim Key]

All options are on the table.

[James Acaster]

Nish, for his dream dessert, wanted the peach cobbler from Jackson and Rye. This was a big deal, Tim, because.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, I know what a cobbler is.

[Ed Gamble]

Go on,

[Tim Key]

what do you know?

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm the host of this podcast.

[Tim Key]

Co host. Grow up

[Ed Gamble]

Fair.

[Tim Key]

That's the beauty of you two.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

I don't think one of you could do it. No, that's. I mean. THEY LAUGH these guys don't know anything. What I'm saying is, is it wouldn't be the same, would it? No, no. So a cobbler. Well, as far as I can understand. Well, I only know this because my godson ordered a cobbler in Manchester on Saturday. And what I. What I think a cobbler is anyway, is food with. With like a roof on it or pie without walls. Is it? Is it?

[James Acaster]

I don't.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, I think it would be. It's similar to a crumble, but rather than a crumble topping, it's more of a sort of baked topping, more of like a pastry topping.

[Tim Key]

So I just. I don't. So I didn't know.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, no, I mean, I think you did know. I think you were honing in on what a cobbler was, but you stopped at food with a roof on it.

[Tim Key]

That's sad, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

That could be a lot of things. Food with a roof on it, that could be A restaurant. Couldn't it?

[Tim Key]

I would argue that most restaurants have walls. I think you're describing a. A. A. A cuisine gazebo.

[Ed Gamble]

Sorry, I can't say that.

[Tim Key]

Gazebo.

[James Acaster]

A quiz. You said a cuisine gazebo, and I gazebo.

[Tim Key]

And I'm all for that. How quickly did you say it? Right after I'd said my thing.

[James Acaster]

So Nish, all of this. The reason why this was important to Nish is because Jackson and Rye had stopped doing the peach cobbler, so he wanted to launch a campaign on the podcast to bring back Kumar's cobbler.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, I've done that before.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Dare I ask you to elaborate?

[Tim Key]

Well, they stopped doing sweet rhubarb tea and I.

[Ed Gamble]

Who did?

[Tim Key]

You know the tea guys. Harrogate. Harrogate tea. I don't know. Is that one called Harrogate?

[James Acaster]

The tea rooms in Harrogate.

[Tim Key]

What?

[James Acaster]

The tea rooms in Harrogate.

[Tim Key]

No, there's a. There's a company that make tea. Excuse me. Taylor's. Yeah, Taylor's. So they stopped doing sweet rhubarb tea. And that was my favorite. And I either can't remember, but I either emailed or certainly was gonna anyway. But the point being, I think they do it again. Well, they definitely do like a BlackBerry one now. So I'm quite aware of what Nish is up to. Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

We launched a campaign for Nish. Hashtag Save Kumar's cobbler. Bring back Kumars.

[Tim Key]

Did it come?

[Ed Gamble]

No. Instead they went in a different direction and shut down

[Tim Key]

one. I've got an interesting thing I'd like to say, if it's not too late. They did a. You. So you do you sometimes, like, say things in your podcast and then you get stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Tim Key]

Would that be fair?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Right. And at one point, you. Well, anyway, you got a beer machine. Would that be fair?

[Ed Gamble]

We got sent a beer machine. Yes. Like you. We got sent two of them. You can pour pints from it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You load it up and you can pour pints from it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, we did. But that would be fair.

[Ed Gamble]

That was early on in the podcast.

[James Acaster]

They were sent to the office.

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And you were in the office. Yeah. Doing something else.

[Tim Key]

Well, yeah, something else. Come on. Creating.

[James Acaster]

Probably doing your book.

[Tim Key]

I was probably coming up. I was probably just standing there, coming up with my film.

[Ed Gamble]

Standing.

[Tim Key]

Standing there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tim Key]

And coming up with my film.

[James Acaster]

You said, what are these? Yeah, we said the beer machines.

[Tim Key]

Beer machines.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. And you won't. You used to get given these. Yeah, yeah.

[Tim Key]

I wasn't jealous.

[James Acaster]

You went, you take these Home. I said, I'm not taking my note. Can I have it?

[AllTrails Announcer]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's your next question. Yeah, yeah.

[Tim Key]

There's no, there's that. I don't.

[James Acaster]

In my memory. You picked up and walked out the door.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, yeah. There's no. That's a perfectly dignified thing to do. I mean, it's a beer machine. What you do is you put a keg in it and then it sort of takes it to the right temperature and then it pours it.

[Ed Gamble]

It.

[Tim Key]

It's made by a company called Perfect Draft. Fantastic. Mine's just broken.

[Ed Gamble]

Fantastic.

[Tim Key]

I took it to the Christmas 35 people thing and obviously you can't take them in a suitcase. Don't know what I was thinking. Arrived there, plugged it in, didn't work anymore.

[James Acaster]

Shame.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, Well, I didn't know a lot of the people there, so they're like, I don't know why he's done that. Do not know why he's done it. Which was also my internal monologue. Why have I taken a beer machine?

[James Acaster]

So, what do you think of Nisha's menu as we get to the end of it? Did you enjoy eating it?

[Tim Key]

I, I, I genuinely. It's a great menu.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

It started off with the kebab.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. This is fun.

[Tim Key]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

Then we went into Goozen.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

With ham in Coca Cola.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

With a side order of roast potatoes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Tim Key]

And then we finished off with the discontinued cobbler.

[James Acaster]

What was the drink?

[Tim Key]

What was the drink? Malbec.

[James Acaster]

Very good memory, Tim.

[Ed Gamble]

It's pretty impressive, actually.

[Tim Key]

Yeah, Well, I think that's a really, really strong menu. What do you think?

[James Acaster]

Well, I think you're right, but I was looking forward to telling Nish tomorrow that you hated his menu and getting his reaction to it. Oh, no, I stuck with plans for tomorrow's gig with our surprise guest. What?

[Tim Key]

Whose menu will it be that you're going to.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't say James. I don't think he's remembered. He's not checked the text anyway, I think.

[Tim Key]

Is it always James?

[Ed Gamble]

What, the co host?

[Tim Key]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah, it tends to be.

[Tim Key]

But what you call him, do you always say James?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I go with James. Yeah. Jimmy. I go Jimmy sometimes.

[Tim Key]

Jimmy, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

If I'm feeling cheeky.

[Tim Key]

Do you think you say Jimmy more once he's dead when you're talking about him?

[Ed Gamble]

Very bold to assume that he's gonna die before me.

[Tim Key]

Oh, what are we thinking? What do you think you're gonna go? I think you're the sort of person, I can sort of imagine a Sort of old version of you.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I can imagine.

[Tim Key]

I can imagine you in your 80s.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I actually can't imagine Ed old, so maybe Ed dies first.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, cool. We like to end on a big fun thing normally. Tim.

[James Acaster]

It's been good to see you, Tim.

[Tim Key]

Oh, great to see you.

[James Acaster]

Nice to see you. Thanks for coming to the Albert hall and talking to us.

[Tim Key]

Well, a real, A real pleasure.

[James Acaster]

You got a take home message for the audience before we go?

[Tim Key]

No, not really. I mean, you know. Well, I would say this. You've got a very nice audience. I would say that. And I watched.

[Ed Gamble]

Very nice.

[Tim Key]

I watched the first half from a. From a box and it was fantastic. I was royally entertained. I think you two do a fantastic job.

[Ed Gamble]

He can't handle it, can he?

[Tim Key]

No, he can't handle it.

[James Acaster]

That's the thing.

[Tim Key]

He doesn't know what he wants from me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he can't handle the sincerity.

[James Acaster]

I'm not, I'm just laughing at it.

[Tim Key]

Well, why are you laughing at it, though? We need to think about that. Talk to Stuart about that.

[James Acaster]

It's quite funny to have someone who's sitting there for the whole thing and you ask some questions to go, what the do you want from me? And then at the end they go, I love the audience. And they actually applaud it. This is insane. It's like, what is this?

[Tim Key]

I'll clear up after myself.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, get those all cleared up while you clear up.

[James Acaster]

Anyone you want to give that to on the front line? You see there's a man. So like three seats in on the front there. Yeah, there's a guy who has definitely been dragged along by his partner. Do you want to bring him the whole plate of poppadoms? He's furious that he's here.

[Tim Key]

What, give him the poppadoms?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, give him all the poppadoms. All right.

[Ed Gamble]

He's got a lovely smile on his face now.

[James Acaster]

He's very happy now. I want to make him happy. There you go, mate.

[Tim Key]

Have a lovely gift.

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

Can we get a massive round of applause? Go Wilder. Gracie for Timkey. What's more for Tim K, everybody. Thank you so much, guys. You've been a brilliant audience. We'll see most of you tomorrow, I'd imagine. Will our secret guest. Bye bye.

[Ed Gamble]

There we are, another absolute banger from the Royal Albert Hall.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Tim Key there and his book La Baby is out now, by the way. Yes, I just remembered.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's. It's a great book. And he's on tour with Logan Brie. A great show.

[James Acaster]

Although it would be better show if it was called jokes in the key of Tim.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Monica Reinagel]

So good.

[James Acaster]

That would be good.

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Jugs in the key of Tim. That's fantastic.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. He won't have it though.

[Ed Gamble]

Key to my heart.

[James Acaster]

Key to my heart. I got the key. I got the secret. Of course.

[Tim Key]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I guess we're just trying to think of others now. But like you tweet them into off menu.

[Quo Business Phone System Announcer]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Off menu official at off menu official tweet your Tim key puns.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

For his show titles.

[Ed Gamble]

Do tweet.

[James Acaster]

Ben will make sure that he gets

[Ed Gamble]

them to Tim and sign chopping board

[James Acaster]

and he will send you a sign chopping board if you come up with a good show title. Of course. I guess all that's left to say is like, we'll see you in the next one. There's another bonus. There's one more bonus episode left.

[Ed Gamble]

Uno mass.

[James Acaster]

Uno mass. Of course. Oh, a little clue there to the guest is and yeah, you know, just be cool.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, be cool, guys.

[Tim Key]

See you later.

[James Acaster]

See you.

[Monica Reinagel]

Hello, I'm Monica Reinagle, host of the Nutrition Diva podcast. Summer is here and with it the hot and sticky weather. A morning working in the garden or maybe on the golf course can leave you more depleted than you realize. And plain water isn't always the most efficient way to restore the balance. That's where Liquid IV comes in. Its science backed formula is clinically proven to hydrate faster than water alone. Whether you're exercising, playing outside, or simply surviving a summer heat wave, it's an easy way to stay hydrated. Shop [e-mail] Liquid IV hydration that goes wherever life takes you.

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[Sports Commentator]

He's dribbling the ball with everything on the line. He's driving down the pitch. He's facing price hikes and cuts past him. Carrier contracts, tries to block him.

[Tim Key]

Oh, he leaves him in the dust.

[Sports Commentator]

He's at the edge of the box. He cuts past the non stop group chat. Trash talk. He clears on goal. He shoots

[Off Menu Podcast Announcer]

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