Field Trip: My Butt, a Colonoscopy Ride Along & How-To Encore

Summary

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Ologies with Alie Ward

Episode: Field Trip: My Butt, a Colonoscopy Ride Along & How-To Encore

Date: March 17, 2026
Host: Alie Ward

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Episode Overview

In this vulnerable, hilarious, and practical episode, Alie Ward takes listeners along on her deeply personal journey through a colonoscopy—from overdue preps and uncomfortable vulnerability to lived wisdom, existential humor, and life-saving outcomes. In true “Ologies” fashion, she demystifies the awkward, gross, and sometimes-fearful process of colon cancer screening. Equal parts confessional, field report, and community advice session, Alie’s mission is clear: to remove the embarrassment from butt stuff, get people talking about colon health, and, as she says, “save your life, one polyp at a time.”

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Main Themes & Purpose

• Colonoscopy prep and procedure explained—warts, giggles, and all
• The importance of colon cancer screening, particularly for those with family histories
• Practical, crowdsourced advice and myth-busting about the process
• Destigmatizing butt talk and embracing bodily realities with humor and empathy

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Stakes and the Why (00:55–04:50)

• Alie explains her motivation: losing loved ones (including her dad) to colon cancer, and wanting to de-stigmatize the procedure.
• “1 in 16 people in America will get colon cancer and 0 in 16 like talking about it.” (01:57)
• Colonoscopy talk is embarrassing, but necessary; owning it makes it less so.
• “Something is only as embarrassing as you let it become.” – Jared Sleeper’s advice via Alie (03:30)

2. Deep Dive: Colonoscopy Prep 101 (04:55–14:50)

• Reading prep instructions: Alie discovers her year-old kit and explores the daunting details—fluid volumes, ingestion schedule, flavor packets.
• “You've got to drink this whole thing. Oh, no.” (06:00)
• Explanation of why prep is so unpleasant (hyperosmotic solutions, taste, and the famous “read-a-newspaper-through-it” guideline).
• Practical tips: start a low-fiber diet a week before, avoid red/purple dyes, expect accidents (“no farts are to be trusted”).
• “A clean exam is the best way to ensure a high-quality procedure.” (12:45)
• History tangent: John D’Ardern, 14th-century proctology practices, and emergence of modern colonoscopy (Tokyo University, 1969).

3. Field Work: Bar Stool Butt Opinions (15:30–24:00)

• Alie brings a recorder to a bar to gather real-world perspectives and advice.
• Encounters mixed responses: confusion, awkwardness, but also earnest, detailed support from one patron with chronic gut issues.
• Advice Goldmine: Pedialyte mocktails, seltzer water to mask taste of prep, replenishing electrolytes, bone broth for comfort (17:19)
  • “Cut it. I still cut it. I make kind of like a mocktail about it with seltzer water...” – Bar Patron (17:44)
• Insight about last meal: lighter is better to ease the prep.
• Discussion on the cultural stigma around butt health, public education, and sexual health overlaps.

4. Bonus PSA: Anal Play, Stigma, and Health (20:53–24:30)

• Breaks down how medical colon prep isn’t required for sexual activity, and offers tips for safe, gentle, cleanliness (douching, fiber diets).
• “You don't need medical grade colonoscopy prep for butt fun... these long-held stigmas against parts of your own body could kill you if you're too shy or ashamed to get a screening.” (22:47)
• Urges listeners not to link medical procedures to sexual identity or shame: get checked, save your life!

5. Prepping for Prep: Shopping and Emotional Readiness (24:31–26:44)

• Alie recounts awkwardness at Target (including spotting an ex with his perfect family).
• Stockpiling essentials—seltzer, electrolytes, flavorings, soft toilet paper, diapers.

6. Taste Test: Surgeon's “Borg” and Flavor Hacks (26:46–30:55)

• Comparing colonoscopy prep to Gen Z’s “Borg” (Blackout Rage Gallon) drinking trend:
  • The gallon jug, electrolytes, choosing a name (“Moira Schitz”).
  • Taste testing flavor packets: crystal light lemonade (best), prescription lemon (weird), unflavored (salty plastic), mio flavor (“like gas station bathroom cleaner”).
• “The fear was definitely worse than the flavs. Just me and a medically issued gallon jug of salt water that I’m cradling in my arms.” (29:12)
• Hot tip: broth to supplement and alternate tastes.

7. Day Of: Procedure and Results (31:00–36:34)

• Pre-procedure: Alie at the hospital, donning a gown and (unneeded) adult diaper.
• “My gown’s very open in the back, commando underneath it. I could keep my socks on. That rules.” (32:06)
• The sedation: Quickly knocked out; mild awareness of the procedure, humorous dream imagery (“gentle dream about curious aliens”).
• Polyp found and removed, revealed later to be precancerous—Alie credits colonoscopy with likely saving her life.
• “Your girl did her homework, drank her Borg, had an intestinal exorcism, and then saved her own life by getting that thing plucked like a little lint ball before it turned into a colon poltergeist.” (35:27)
• Emotional reflection: post-procedure meal (breakfast burrito and banana pancakes), immense relief, gratitude, and encouragement to listeners.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On embarrassment:
  “Something is only as embarrassing as you let it become. When you’re embarrassed, people get embarrassed for you. But when you don’t give a fuck, no one feels bad for you.” —Alie Ward (03:30)

• On prep necessity:
  “You've got to drink this whole thing. Oh, no.” —Alie Ward (06:00)

• On prep taste:
  “It tastes like salty plastic.” —Alie Ward (28:47)
  “That's not good. I don't like that. That tastes like licking velvet. It's got a viscosity that doesn't please me.” —Alie Ward, on flavor packet (29:21)

• On community advice:
  “I make kind of like a mocktail about it with seltzer water…get Pedialyte...has tons of flavors.” —Bar Patron/Guest (17:44)

• Sex ed and shame busting:
  “Being afraid of your own butthole is a senseless deprivation of free fun...these long held stigmas against parts of your own body could kill you if you’re too shy or ashamed to get a screening.” —Alie Ward (22:47)

• On colonoscopy’s benefit:
  “Your girl did her homework, drank her Borg, had an intestinal exorcism, and then saved her own life by getting that thing plucked like a little lint ball before it turned into a colon poltergeist.” —Alie Ward (35:27)

• Reflection:
  “Ask not what your butt can do for you, but what you can do for your butt. Get screened if you need to. Drive a friend to theirs. Eat well. Get your checkups. Treat your bod like the friend that it is.” —Alie Ward (36:44)

• Heartfelt signoff:
  “I remember him saying…‘Man, I saw a sandwich I ate in 1973,’ and it made me laugh and I thought about that and I hope that stays with you. So if you need to get a colonoscopy, do it for my pop. I miss him every day. You can do this. You got this. We’re behind you.” —Alie Ward, talking about her late dad (38:55)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:55: Alie’s personal connection, risk stats, opening honesty
• 06:00: Reading and reacting to prep instructions, anxieties surface
• 08:45: Why the taste is terrible, science behind colon prep solutions
• 12:00: “Read-a-newspaper-through-it” myth/history
• 17:19: Crowd-sourced colonoscopy tips from a bar patron (“mocktail” method)
• 20:53: Discussion of anal play, cleaning, and stigma
• 24:31: Target shopping experience; prepping for the prep
• 26:46: Taste test: colon prep solutions and flavor hacks
• 31:00: Day of procedure, hospital psyche, nerves, details
• 35:27: Finding and removing precancerous polyp—relief and life impact
• 36:44: Motivational reflection, practical takeaways, direct encouragement

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Flow & Tone

• Candid and funny with a strong dose of empathetic realism
• Practical, step-by-step, but laced with personal and communal storytelling
• Pushes listeners to overcome embarrassment for the sake of health

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Takeaways & Action Items

• Don’t put off colonoscopy if you’re eligible—especially with family history
• Prep is daunting, but manageable with planning, flavor hacks, and community wisdom
• Replace shame with curiosity and self-care. Talk about your butt—it could save your life
• Bring humor, vulnerability, and a little science to every journey, even (especially) the uncomfortable ones

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This episode is a must-listen for anyone dreading their first colonoscopy, those supporting others, or just fans of TMI storytelling that matters. As Alie says—down the hatch, out the hole, and onward to better health!

Transcript

[Alie Ward]

Adobe Acrobat.

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Alie Ward]

Do that with Acrobat.

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Alie Ward]

Okay, up top. Just so you know, this is a weird episode. Topics weird format, weird audio weird. Stick with me. It's worth it to the end, I promise. Okay. Oh, hey, it's your friend's kid who's hitting you with a pool noodle. Alie Ward and come with me as I research, prep for get a colonoscopy and then learn some alarming results, will you? Okay. So I'm proud of you, number one for being here. It's an investment in your health. Or maybe you're just here because you like butts or you want to hear some hot gossip about mine. Maybe someone who cares about you scent. This is like a friendly, encouraging valentine straight up your rectum. But here's what's up. I needed a colonoscopy and like one would imagine, I was not thrilled at this prospect. But I have lost a few loved ones to colon cancer and I've seen firsthand how gnarly it is to have cancer in your guts and little known word trivia. So my dad had blood cancer for nine years, but his chemotherapy and had the side effect of causing colon cancer possibly and it was actually that undetected for too long, which ultimately took his life. So this episode is personal, really, like in every way possible and maybe for you too. 1 in 16 people in America will get colon cancer and 0 in 16 like talking about it. So if this intestinal odyssey helps one person get screened, I guess it's worth the potential embarrassment. And trust me, there's a lot of embarrassment in this. One of my favorite things that I've learned from your prod mom, Jared Sleeper, is that something is only as embarrassing as you let it become. Because when you're embarrassed, people get embarrassed for you. But when you don't give a fuck, no one feels bad for you. So you just own your colons. So what? Shrug it off. Let's get started. But first, thank you to [e-mail] Ologies for supporting the show. Thank you to everyone who passes this along to a friend and those who wearing merch from ologiesmerch.com thanks to everyone who subscribes and rates and reviews, which helps so much. I read every review and this week there were such sweet ones. Even though someone named Bort Muppet Margaret meant to leave five stars but left one star. But that's okay, it happens. I didn't take it personally. Also, bbell 971-7:20 thanks for the review. That said, I love science. I. I thought I hated science my whole life until this podcast, and it has shifted my view of absolutely everything. Bee Belle Margaret, everyone who left a review, thank you. Okay, either way, let's get into it. Let's get into me. So we're gonna cover how to prep for a colonoscopy. The best tips from people who have been through this, why one must even prepare for a colonoscopy. Butt cameras, history, pathology reports, advice from drunk strangers, how a colonoscopy is like a frat house rager and more. This episode might save your life. So come along, let's take the back entrance in this field trip to my butt, A colonoscopy ride along and how to ding. Foreign. Let's start in my kitchen the Saturday afternoon before my Monday morning colonoscopy. Okay, so I was supposed to get a colonoscopy a year ago, but I was too busy taking care of my dad who was dying of colon cancer. So, ha. I had the prep and everything, and it's been stashed in the CVS bag in a cupboard above my refrigerator for a year. So let's dig into this and see what the instructions say. I hope to God I wasn't supposed to start this yesterday. Okay. Oh boy. Gavilite G. Take as directed, one time only. As though you're gonna be like, I gotta get me some more of that. I gotta shit my brains out again. Okay, so this was filled last year. Cool. Okay, so I've had this large paper bag from the pharmacy sitting in the cupboard, stapled shut. It's been above my refrigerator in the cabinet for over a Year and I finally cracked it open. You open it up and it's just a gallon. It's a gallon jug. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Sucks. Okay, it's gavilite G, there's a lot of polyethylene glycol, sodium sulfite, potassium. Okay, so you're supposed to fill to the top of the bottle. You've got to drink this whole thing. Oh, no. And then it comes with a flavor pack. It's a lemon flavor pack. I guess this part is optional. When it reconstituted the water to a volume of 4 liters, which is a gallon. So this preparation can be used with or without the lemon flavor pack. Add lukewarm drinking water to the fill mark on the bottle. No solid food should be consumed for the three to four hour period before drinking the solution. But in no case should solid food be eaten within two hours. Oh my God. Drink one 8 ounce cup of the solution rapidly every 10 minutes. A loose watery bowel movement should result in approximately one hour. Continue drinking until the entire contents, four liters, have been consumed or as directed by a physician. And it says, note the solution is more palatable if chilled in the refrigerator before drinking. Wow. I cannot believe how much liquid this is gonna be. I don't know why this is. I think I'm so scared. I'm starting to. I'm doing the thing where you start to giggle when you're so scared. Like, this is so. This is so horrifying to me that it's funny and I know that it's. It's not actually funny. And if you barf this up or you have dizziness, you're supposed to crawl someone immediately. You may experience some abdominal bloating and distension before the bowels start to move. So don't eat solid foods on the day before your colonoscopy and until after your colonoscopy. I doubt you're going to be in twilight and be like eating a hoagie or something. Who wants a sandwich just like a Philly cheesesteak on the table. Drink only clear liquids. So clear liquids are water, clear fruit juices without pulp, like apple, white, grape or white cranberry, strained limeade or lemonade, coffee or tea without creamer, clear broth, clear soda, gelatin, popsicles without fruit pulp. Do not eat or drink anything colored red or purple. Okay? So you don't want to eat anything with red dye in it like red or purple drinks or jello, because residue of that can look like blood or a lesion in your intestines so help the docs out and avoid like fruit punch. Also, five days before the exam, start a low fiber diet. It's antithetical to everything you know. You want to avoid fruits and veggies and whole grains. So a week before you're eating mashed potatoes, you're having crackers, et cetera. But the day before the exam, the day before the exam, no solid food of any kind. It's just you and the gallon jug. Plus as much clear broth and jello and clear pulp, free juices like apple juice. So I had an early appointment on a Monday morning, checking in at 7am So I was supposed to start Sunday night, 4:30pm and drink half a gallon over two hours. Just chug this thing down the hatch alongside some Dulcolax just for some added action, and then wake up in the middle of the night and drink the other half the gallon between 3 and 4am like hours before the procedure. So your timing might be a little different, but the moral here is just take the day off. You're gonna be tired, you're gonna be peeing out your keister. By design, maybe by accident, I was warned that no farts are to be trusted. Sit on a towel. Or per the instructions, you may consider wearing Dapenzidol diapers on the weight of your procedure to avoid an accident with your bowel movements. Okay, this is fine. They include some FAQs here. Thanks. Why does the solution taste so bad? A certain concentration of salts and electrolytes is needed to effectively clear the colon. As a result, unfortunately, these solutions do taste bad. And why so salty? So, because this sodium and potassium and magnesium sulfate solution is what's called hyperosmotic. That means it sucks water into your intestines to swell up your guts, and then that causes muscle contractions called peristalsis, which is kind of like pressing the fast forward button on evacuation. So, like, everybody out. But there are other methods other than this. Go lightly gallon, though. There's Miralax preparation, There are smaller salty Borgs that are just a half gallon and then you need to drink an extra liter of water right after. Or you can do salt tablets that you chase with water. But most likely you're gonna get this big jug that I got, and that's what insurance will cover. But talk to your doctor if you want the usually more expensive but less voluminous prep. What they care most about is a clear view of your personal sewer system. How do I know if I'm clear for the procedure? So this typically occurs After a significant amount of solid, dark, liquid stool has been eliminated. And then liquid stools become progressively clearer to the point that you can read a newspaper through them. That seems so specific and also not really a metaphor for the digital generation. And I wondered who came up with that edict. And I accidentally fell down a port. A potty hole of info about John D', Ardern, who was a 14th century surgeon known as the father of proctology, who I think used leeches on hemorrhoids and would sometimes have patients swallow a thread, and then when the front end surfaced out of their southport, he would pull it back and forth to cut out tumors and fistulas, kind of like dental floss for your innards. But I don't. I think that they had daily newspapers back then or even camera wands in the 1300s. But it turns out that the modern colonoscopy was birthed from scientists at Tokyo University around 1969. Nice. But as for that guideline that you should be able to read a newspaper through your watery emissions, the closest source that I could find for that was a bunch of articles saying that the proper pasta dough should be thin enough to read a newspaper through. So maybe that oft used colon prep phrase was just the suggestion of, like an Italian proctologist. I'm not sure, but pass the salt and magnesium. Your colon is six feet long and has a large collection of mucous, intestinal fluids, solid and liquid waste. A clean exam is the best way to ensure a high quality procedure. Colorectal cancer is typically the second or third leading cause of cancer mortality in the U.S. i mean, trust me, no matter what happens or how much I'm on the toilet or how disgusting this stuff is, it's not as bad as having colon cancer. So. So most doctors suggest regular screening to start at age 45. But if you have a family history of colorectal cancer, you may need to get screened as early as your teenage years. And if you have IBS or colitis or celiac or something, you might be in there for totally different reasons. So I figured a lot of people might need to do this. The best advice would come from someone who's already been through it. So I did, like the sanest thing that a chill person can do. And I brought a recording device to a bar on a Saturday night to ask strangers about their butts. I think. Okay, now that I'm getting ready to park, I'm getting nervous. It's very crowded and everyone likes looks attractive. So maybe this is a bad idea. Am I a Buzzkill. I might as well. Who the fuck cares? People love to help. How are you? What are you doing here? Seconds into this, and I run into people I know from my years as a newspaper journalist. They are hip, young, they're wearing cool clothes, such as leather jackets. I did not anticipate this. Oh, my gosh. I just saw you on TikTok the other day. The algorithm said Alie Ward. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm not good at it. You're actually pretty good at it. It's funny I should see you guys here. I am not here to meet up with anyone. I'm here going completely alone. I think you're here to meet up with us. Here's the deal. Husband's out of town, okay? He's at a bachelor party. I have a colonoscopy on Monday, okay? And I'm doing an episode, like, a field trip episode. I'm like, as long as I'm gonna go get my butt probed, I'm gonna make.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I'm gonna produce.

[Alie Ward]

I'm gonna produce. Sure. And I was like, I wonder if any. Anyone would give me advice. I'm gonna pull an ass. Me. I never had one. That's why. I know. I was like,

[Bar Patron/Guest]

no.

[Alie Ward]

I need to get one, though. Chadwick died at 35. They say 40, but, like, a lot

[Narrator/Announcer]

of people are dying at, like, 33.

[Alie Ward]

30.

[Narrator/Announcer]

No, it's coming down the butt cancer.

[Alie Ward]

I feel like I should get up there.

[Narrator/Announcer]

You and I are on the same.

[Alie Ward]

I'm with you. I. I don't want to get this thing at all. And then I was like, no one does, so maybe a gifted world can be. If anyone. I have a question for. For you. Tmz. Yes, this is being recorded, but I can strike anything from the record. Have you ever had a colonoscopy? I have. Do you have any advice for anyone who's getting one?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Go to Beth Israel.

[Alie Ward]

Go to Beth Israel? That's your only advice? What if they don't have that health plan?

[Narrator/Announcer]

What if you're fucked?

[Alie Ward]

Have you actually had a colonoscopy? I can't be saying it. He can't be saying it. Okay, so go to a hospital you trust. All right? That's what we're gonna glean from this.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Why are you.

[Alie Ward]

Have you guys ever had a colonoscopy? No.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

Thank God.

[Alie Ward]

No. Moving along, I ventured inside toward the bar so defeated I just got in line and I bought a white wine for courage. And it was a clear liquid.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

This is the write off, then.

[Alie Ward]

This is the Right. This is a write off. I lurked toward the back patio to ask strangers about their buttholes, but I stumbled into a whole birthday party, like in full swing. I don't want to encroach. Oh, wow. Happy birthday. That's exciting. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Did you get anything good? Not at all. I got nothing. No one wants to talk to me about their buttholes on a Saturday night. Then I met an angel. Oh, wait.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

Have you had a colonoscopy before?

[Alie Ward]

Never.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

Okay. This is your first time. So then I would use the prep that they give you, but I would go to the store. I would go. If you can tolerate it, Seltzer water. How is that on your.

[Alie Ward]

On your breath? Good.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

Okay, so get Pedialyte.

[Alie Ward]

Okay.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

They have, you know, tons of flavors. I typically like the berry. You know, the berry truffle flavors. They are a little bit less sweet.

[Alie Ward]

Okay.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

But I cut it. I still cut it. And I make kind of like a mocktail about it with seltzer water. Just because, like, I actually have IBS and like a really bad history of gut health. So that just helps Cut it. But if you don't have seltzer, just do like regular water with ice. Cut it. But I would use the prep and the Pedialyte. I wouldn't just do the prep.

[Alie Ward]

Okay.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

It's just like, it's. It's gross. And I'm not gonna lie. Just drinking that for like, I mean, what, like 24 hours?

[Alie Ward]

Yeah.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

And you'll be going to the restroom a lot, so don't make any plans. You're just gonna have to be. No, but you truly. I'm gonna be nesting. I wouldn't. I wouldn't eat a too big. Wait, Monday. So today.

[Alie Ward]

Tomorrow's my prep day.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

Tomorrow's your prep day. Because I was gonna say you don't want to eat heavily for your last meal.

[Alie Ward]

Yeah.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

Because then that'll make the day before worse, obviously.

[Alie Ward]

Yeah.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

I mean, a lot of people just use the prep and they're fine.

[Alie Ward]

Okay.

[Bar Patron/Guest]

From my experience, I just like the pedia, like, better. Had a little bit more taste. And also it kind of like gives you somebody switch off on. And then for after the procedure, I would get another extra bottle of Pedialyte and some Gatorade. Just anything with electrolytes. So if that's coconut water, whatever. Bone broth. Bone broth is great. Just like really like nourishing things for the gut, you know?

[Alie Ward]

Okay. Since your body is gathering up a bunch of your water and just forcing it out like A poop hole power washer. You are going to lose electrolytes, which will make you feel like death and can be potentially bad for you. So replenish during the colonoscopy prep and then after it's all done, there's now

[Bar Patron/Guest]

this Gatorade series that is like in a square bottle that has less sugar and more electrolyte. So if you go the Gatorade route, I would do that. But if you can. Pedialyte is always my. It's always my go to.

[Alie Ward]

Thank you for that advice. Of course. Confidence up. I approached a small gaggle of college aged, athletic looking hunks.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Everyone's been like, there's some girl like asking about colonoscopy. I have not had a colonoscopy.

[Alie Ward]

No one's had a colonoscopy. You get a camera up your butt. One guy's wife had had a colonoscopy. He knew the deal. How was the prep? Did she disappear into a toilet for two days? Yeah. Yes, yes.

[Narrator/Announcer]

She had to like drink this.

[Alie Ward]

Weird.

[Narrator/Announcer]

So they give you like a, like a prescription of some shake and that's

[Alie Ward]

all you can drink for two days.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Dropped her off and I picked her up and she was like, that was kind of weird. I felt it go into my butthole.

[Alie Ward]

And then I fell asleep and it went perfectly. I saw this TikTok where this woman was like, asked her nurse, she's like, is today a good day to have butt sex or not? And her nurse is like, it's actually not so in her head it was just mega poppers, I think. So I will say that one of those guys turned out to be an ologies listener. And then we sent a video to his brother. So I may have redeemed myself. Hey, but let's circle back real quick just to butt sex. Sorry everyone, turn this down. If your mom or my mom is listening, whatever. But public service announcement. So you don't have to have surgical grade colon cleansing to have fun things up your butt. Realistically, penetrating for playtime only happens in the lower end of the colon, the sigmoid portion. And unless you are like actively retaining a turd in there, the rectum should be clear of poop because all of that is housed a bit farther up in the colon. But there exist anal douches, some of them very sexy looking. They're like a rubber bulb. And they also make shower head butt cleaning nozzles. And I looked this up for us and the general proctological protocol is to like put a leg on the toilet or do it in the shower. Take lukewarm water, suck it in the bulb, squeeze the air out and then intro that into the bum and squirt the water but not too much water and not too far or you're gonna hit the storage area. You feel me? So a couple of times, not too much water, not too forcefully. Then to the toilet or I guess the shower you go. Let it out, repeat a couple of times until things are solid free. However, you can upset the balance of your poop chute and you can wash out protective slippery stuff in there. And also things can continue to drip or bubble out for about half an hour. So in researching this for us, I paid a visit to the Reddit forum Ask Gaybros and one person who's a nurse and a bottom said that the best way to douche is not at all Eat a high fiber diet the day before you're planning on bottoming and the day of have a satisfactory bm. Then hop in the tub and sit in some warm water. Let your muscles loosen up. Gently insert either your pointer or middle finger into your butthole, swirl it around and bring it out and clean out your finger. Other folks said so that's another way not enough for colonoscopy, but if you're thinking about butt sex Advice from an elder Other folks said that psyllium husk or Metamucil and staying hydrated will naturally keep things tidy for your anal adventures. Go slow. If you love it, lube it, and be safe. HPV is a sexually transmitted infection that can cause anal cancer, so consider that another good reason to wrap it up so you don't need medical grade colonoscopy prep for butt fun. And also, the day of your colonoscopy is not a good time for that. But the biggest lesson here is never ever equate a medical procedure with a sexual identity or with behavior that you think your community would frown on. First off, consenting adults can do whatever they want and it's none of anyone's business. Secondly, these like long held stigmas against parts of your own body could kill you if you're too shy or ashamed to get a screening. And also, being afraid of your own butthole is a senseless deprivation of free fun. See the Urology and Sexology episode for more anal stuff and prostate milking. You're welcome. It's your house. You deserve to use the back door any way you like. But yes, in all I got good advice from one person. I made some new friends, I made others uncomfortable. But hopefully this episode will Find them when they need it. But I feel like you maybe have kicked me in the ass enough to know that I should probably be. And you know what? When you do, there'll be an episode waiting for you. All the tips and tricks. So, armed with advice and maybe too much googling, I went to Target. The next morning, my official prep day before the procedure to stock up on seltzer water and electrolytes. Things to flavor my water like those mio drops, Dulcolax. Per the doctor's orders, I got some probiotics. I got some mega rolls of the softest toilet paper and diapers, and I had a full cart. And I looked up from my gruesome shopping list to see a man I had dated over 10 years ago. And he was with his beautiful blonde wife and their two perfect children. And we all made eye contact and I offered a quick hey, man, how's it going? You guys have a great day. Kay. And then I ducked into the soup aisle and I. I sprinted to the checkout. I went so like I was on Guy Fieri's grocery games. Let's take it to the judges. I got home, I unloaded my loot. After the break, we're gonna taste test them. But first, a quick word from sponsors of the show who make it possible to donate to a cause each week. And this week, I'm doing something a little different. A close, close friend of mine actually was just diagnosed with colon cancer, early 40s. He has three kids and is getting surgery on April 17th. So the money that we'd send to a charity, I'm just gonna sen to help with whatever he needs to be a little bit more comfortable. So thanks to sponsors of this show.

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Alie Ward]

Okay, let's grab my gallon for a vacation to toilet town. This is pretty much like a. What is the jug that the kids drink? The Borg. Just a quick side. So a Borg stands for a blackout rage gallon. And it's something that the youth are doing for their nocturnal social festivities. So you take a gallon of water, you pour some out and then you add your alcohol of choice. Then flavorings, electrolyte or vitamin packs and you shake it up and then you give it a name like sourdough starter. You can write it in Sharpie. And I know carrying a blackout rage gallon, having your own Borg, it sounds terrifying. So to people who are like imagining their children in College carrying 128 ounces of blackout rage tonic. But when compared to yesteryear's Rubbermaid trash cans full of mystery jungle juice, a Borg can be a really good thing for harm reduction. It can ensure hydration, it sets an upper threshold of alcohol consumption. It's got a sealed lid that's less likely to be spiked or drugged. And people can choose not to add any alcohol. And no one will know or judge. So thanks, Gen Z. You're fixing everything. Now that I'm thinking of it as a Borg, I'm actually excited about it. I feel like I got a lot of the items a person borging might get, like the electrolyte drops. I definitely purchased more diapers than your average tailgater. I gotta name my board. Moira Schittz. I'd be so stoked about getting hydrated if this weren't immediately coming out of my anus. Here are some of our options. So I'm gonna do this unflavored and I'm gonna try a couple different flavorings. We good? It's gonna be so fun. I'm so excited. This is gonna be delicious. I got some little glasses and I lined them up for a taste test. A flight, if you will. So I got some crystal light, I got some of this mio stuff which I've seen people put in their boards. And then this comes with this flavor pack of lemon which I hear is like pretty gross. But I'm gonna try a little bit of it in one of the cups. I will say, from my experience of having a few people in my life die of colon cancer, no matter what this tastes like, it's better than getting colon cancer. Because here's the thing, if you get colon cancer, you have to do this even more. You're better off doing it one time, having them sniff off polyp and then not having to do this every time your cancer returns. Okay, let's raw dog it first. Just unflavored, straight up. Let's see. Let's see what we're dealing with. Okay, here it is. Plain. Okay, bottoms up. It tastes like salty plastic. Let's try this Mio flavoring, which comes in a little bottle that you squeeze and remember nothing red or purple. I got like a lemon lime flavor. Oh, it's too much. I use too much. Oh, God, that tastes like gas station bathroom cleaner. Clearly my percentages is off. So I can do this, though. This is. This is not as gross as I thought. The fear was definitely worse than the flavs. Just me and a medically issued gallon jug of salt water that I'm cradling in my arms. Thanks for helping me clean that colon. All right. Already feeling some rumblings. I can do this. I've had cocktails that tasted a lot worse than this. This tastes like margarita mix, actually. Like if you have a lot of salt on the rim, it's pretty much just a virgin margarita that will make you absolutely like shit your organs out. Okay, let's try it with the pharmacy issued lemon flavor packet in which I have no faith. That's not good. I don't like that. That tastes like licking velvet. It's got a viscosity that doesn't please me. Okay, so we tried the plain, we tried the Mio and the prescription issued flavor packet. Now let's try a sample with some crystal light lemonade and see if we can do this. That's so far the winner. That's. That's good. I can do this. I'm going to put it over more ice. Down the hatch, babes. Down the hatch and out the hole. So after all that fuss, all that complaining, all the whining, all the fear, all the talking to strangers, it was so much easier than I expected. I drank this salty lemonade. I alternated with a few quarts of to go pho broth from a local Vietnamese place, which was clutch. 10 out of 10. Get some of your favorite to go broth. Definitely worth it. And yeah, yeah, I spent some Time on the toilet. All right. But not as much as I thought at all. And I think the low fiber diet in the week preceding and the really light meals on Saturday helped my Sunday prep day. And then I got to pick out afterward. So definitely consider that if you can. So then it was off to the appointment early Monday morning. Here we go. It's showtime. Okay, I'm in the hospital 7:45am I'm wearing diapers. Full disclosure, I didn't chance it. And now I'm getting into my hospital gown. I'm in a room with a bunch of screens. This is where the magic happens. My gown's very open in the back, commando underneath it. I could keep my socks on. On though. That rules. This is not an easy way to earn a nap. I got to say, better to just take a NAP. There are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 screens in this room. They're going to see some, hopefully not any real okay, they're going to do dose me up soon. I really should have left it rolling. And tbh. I was worried that it was illegal. So they pumped just a few little vials into my IV and like within a minute, I started to go night night. Right as I was going out, I was like, whoops, there's a chilly lubed up tube going right up my bungus. And I was like, oh, I thought you'd wait till I was fully out, but okay, I didn't miss the big moment. But, but. And I kind of. I was out pretty much completely. I kind of roused a few times during being like, oh, it was like just having like a really gentle dream about curious aliens. Before I knew it, it was all over. It happened in a flash and I was just groggily coming back to life. All right, I did it. I'm hooked up to some monitors and machines. I think they gave me propanol. Propofentanol, I'm not sure, but it was definitely nap time. A couple times in the middle of it, I was like, well, definitely some people on my butt right now. But I'm so hungry. And they snipped off a polyp. They said, see you in five years, lady. And now I guess I put on the diaper I came in with and I go get something delicious. Tldr. It really wasn't that bad. The drugs help. Crystalite and fentanyl, whatever they've got me on, those are the real VIPs. So it turns out, according to my post procedure report, I was actually on a combination of meperidine and midazolam. And According to the 2020 study Comparison of fentanyl versus meperidine in combination with midazolam for sedative colonoscopy in Korea, fentanyl will knock you out faster, but has a longer recovery time, like an extra 10 minutes. Also, my post report had pictures of my colonial, and that was a great souvenir. And it said that my colon prep was excellent. However, here's the news you're waiting for. They did find a polyp up there, a 2 millimeter growth way far into my large intestine. And the beauty of the colonoscopy is that they can snip those little ones out as long as they're in there. So you get a twofer, you get a bogo there. And they did, and they sent it to pathology, and it came back precancerous. So your girl did her homework, drank her Borg, had an intestinal exorcism, and then saved her own life by getting that thing plucked like a little lint ball before it turned into a colon poltergeist. So all's well that ends well. In all, it was way easier to prep than I thought. The procedure was fine. I didn't even need the diapers I was wearing, and I got rid of something that could have turned into cancer in a few years. But I do have to go back in five years also when it was over because you're not allowed to drive for the day. Jarrett picked me back up and we went to a diner and I got a breakfast burrito, and I was so hungry. I also got banana pancakes, and it was the tastiest meal I can remember. So ask not what your butt can do for you, but what you can do for your butt. Get screened if you need to drive a friend to theirs. Eat well, get your checkups. Treat your bod like the friend that it is now. Thank you for coming along on this journey with me. It wasn't an easy one to make. It's a little vulnerable, but I hope it helps someone. And honestly, if you have to get a colonoscopy, do not be afraid of it. It's not as bad at all as anyone says. Just throw some lemon crystal light in there, chug it down, get a book, you know, good luck and let me know how it goes. I'll post pictures of my board on Instagram at Ologies. We're also on Twitter, ologies. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Alieward and on TikTok at Alie. Underscore Ologies. Thank you to Aaron Talbert who admins the Ologies podcast Facebook group with assists from Shannon Feltus and Body Dutch. Thank you to Emily White of the Wordery who makes professional transcripts. Smallogies are available. They're short kid friendly versions up at alieward.comogies that is linked in the show notes. Thank you to Mercedes Maitland and Seek Rodriguez Thomas for working on those. Susan Hale handles ologiesmerch.com which has shirts and hats and bags and totes and all kinds of things and she does so much more. Noelle Dilworth does our scheduling, including scheduling and rescheduling my colonoscopy. Kelly Ardwyer makes our website. Mercedes Maitland usually lead edits but other medical news she is Covid struck this week so send her your good vibes as well. And stepping in for her and hauling my actual ass to the hospital for this episode. The hunktacular Jarrett sleeper who himself got a colonoscopy not the same day but previous to mine and was adorable waking up from Fentanyl. Nick Thorburn wrote the music and if you stick around I'll tell you a secret. And like this whole episode was TMI and I don't think anyone is hungry for mi but in case you are, this one's from my dad. I remember he finally did have to get a colonoscopy and he had to take the prep and everything. And I remember him saying my dad was a very reserved person that didn't talk about this stuff very much clearly. But I remember him saying that he's like, man, I saw a sandwich I ate in 1973 and it made me laugh and I thought about that and I hope that that stays with you. And so if you need to get a colonoscopy, do it for my pop. I miss him every day. You can do this. You got this. We're behind you. Okay, bye. Bye.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Just let it out.