← Ologies with Alie Ward
Ologies with Alie Ward
Special Episode: Wall to Wall Secrets, Sorry!
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Listen. Sometimes we like to shake it up. So while we’re finishing up next week’s episode, I decided to open a sound file and spilled only secrets. This was an exercise in just chilling with you, and not editing a thing. Think of it as my exposure therapy + life advice and embarrassing tales from me, your actual biological father from the internet. Is it too long? Too bad! Is it too boring? I don’t know! But in these uncertain times, it’s important to remember that showing up is what matters. I don’t know, probably. A donation went to the Hand of Salvation Initiative More episode sources and links Other episodes you may enjoy: Oikology (DECLUTTERING), Entomophagy Anthropology (EATING INSECTS), Disgustology (REPULSION), Enigmatology (WORD GAMES), Political Sociology (VOTER TURNOUT & SUPPRESSION) 400+ Ologies episodes sorted by topic Smologies (short, classroom-safe) episodes Sponsors of Ologies Transcripts and bleeped episodes Become a patron of Ologies for as little as a buck ...
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Oh, hey, it's the lady with no intro. Because this is not a typical episode. I guess a lady with no intro is an intro. Listen, listen. This is all secrets. These are all new wall to wall secrets. Dad, what are you doing? Here's what I'm doing. I'm taking a little breather. Okay? I was just in New York for the Webbies. We won two. Everyone, we won best people's voice for science and we won best science podcast. That makes our fourth Webby. And I feel like I should be posting about this online more to brag about it, but it feels arduous to do that and I know I should. I don't. I know people have asked, like, what's your least favorite thing about the podcast? And it's usually posting about it, but I'll try. All right, so here's the deal. I've been working on this episode that's coming out next week. It's about wine. It's a two parter and I. I didn't get it done in time, which is why it's a Wednesday and this is going up. And I thought, you know what, let's take a breather. Let's just chit chat. I know that the parts of the show that probably are the most real to me are at the very end. So I thought, I'm gonna take the bra off of my heart and I'm just gonna relax and we're gonna do a wall to wall Secrets episode. Thank you everyone who supports the show via patreon.com Ologies you can join for as little as a dollar a month. And also we have smallogies. Those are shorter, kid friendly episodes. They are G rated. This one will not be asmologies and it will not be G rated. Probably also, thank you to everyone who leaves reviews for the show. I didn't look one up yet. Do you want me to, though? All right, I'm gonna look one up in real time. One thing that I'm not doing is editing this. I'm gonna try so hard not to edit this whole episode. The whole point is I'm gonna record it and it's gonna go up immediately. Okay. I haven't pre read this. Masterson031 it says it's like the most interesting friend brought her most interesting friend. This one's just me. Sorry. Masterson. Yeah. They say that the podcast makes science approachable the same way. So that so many of us are interested, but don't think we know. I read that whole sentence wrong. They said it's so great. Highly recommend. You got the gist. Yeah. So it's usually like I bring someone and then I bring you along for the party. But right now I'm in a dark room, there's no lights on. I have a candle lit and this is going up in within probably an hour of me doing it. Okay, I prepared a lot of secrets. Let's get to them. All right, we're back. Oh wait, we're not back yet because I forgot the part where I say thank you to sponsors of the show who make it possible for us to donate to a cause of this time my choosing. And thanks for doing that. Okay, now there's a break. You might hear an ad or two.
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Best mobile network based on analysis by Google of speed test intelligence data 2H 2025 bigger network. The combination of T Mobile's and US cellular network footprints will enhance the T Mobile network's coverage price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. See t mobile.com for details. Substance use disorder and addiction is so isolating. And so as a black woman in recovery, hope must be loud. It grows louder when you ask for help and you're vulnerable. It is the thread that lets you know that no matter what happens, you will be okay. When we learn the power of hope recovery is possible, find out how@startwithhope.com brought to you by the National Council for Mental well Being, Shatterproof and the ad accounts. One thing I love about my long term friends is I'm still learning things about them, especially if we travel together. But maybe you have a buddy that you brought on a weekend trip who you didn't know has to do scream yoga at dawn. Surprise. But vrbo, vrbo does not surprise you when you book a vrbo Vacation Rental, VRBO Care and 247 life support from Real humans are included. If something is not as described or isn't working, VRBO can step in to help make it right. I don't know what to tell you about the scream yoga though. Book today on the VRBO app. If you know you VRBO terms apply. See vrbo.com trust for details. Okay, we're back. And so now I'm gonna tell you some secrets. I have written a bunch down. I've put them on little slips of paper and I'm gonna pull them from a gigantic mug that is full of secrets. Okay. And then the music. Okay, now we're back. Do you like how unedited this is? A lot of you don't realize how much we edit the show. Everyone's like, why don't you do video podcasts? It's like, because we edit out a thousand ums and so many of my likes and, you knows, so many stammers from everyone in the show. And so the work that goes on to get a show up in air is, I promise you, more than you could ever fathom. Jake, Mercedes, Susan Noel working behind the scenes. And so this one is zero of that. So I don't know. I'm nervous about this because I'm so used to editing. And also I'm. I get self conscious sometimes about putting too much of myself in here. Not because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I don't really care about that, but just. I don't know how much y' all want to hear. So if you're listening to this, you're here for a reason. All right, first secret. I love that I'm like. I'm in a dark room with only candlelight, and now I can't read these slips of paper because it's too dark. Oh, my God. The first one I pulled out is that there's. There might be a lot of likes and ums in this, and I feel like I already said that. So if there's a lot of likes and ums, then you're getting the real me. Sorry about it. Okay, the next one. Okay. This secret is something that is embarrassing to me, and I don't think I've. I can't go back to this one cafe in my neighborhood because it's a new cafe that just opened up, and I thought I'd saunter in there and do some work on my laptop because in America, we don't have a lot of third spaces. And in Los Angeles in particular, I like the library, but I also like to have a beverage. So I went to this cafe. It was brand new. I was the only person in there in the morning, and I was like, this is going to be a one on one situation with the person who's running it. And so I ordered something at their recommendation, and it was not a good drink. It was so sweet. I forgot to also say that, like, dairy gives me bubble gut. And then I was sitting there working. I was trying to fake drinking it because I knew they were like, how is it? And I just. I should have asked for, like, a nut milk or Something. And it was also like so cloyingly and they also didn't have wi fi. But I made. The most embarrassing part was that the guy who worked there had a motorcycle out front. And I was making conversation. I was like, oh, is that your motorcycle? And he's like, yeah, it is. I like going riding and stuff like that. He's like, do you ride? And I was like, I don't. But my. And I said that my husband used to, but he thought I said that he did. And so he was like, do you ever ride with him? And I don't know why I felt so awkward that I just was like, no. And then he started talking to me about my husband's motorcycle. And then I just. I just pretended like he had one still, and I just didn't. I don't know what happened at this. This is the worst first secret because it's not coherent at all. But I'm just saying I went in, I felt really awkward because I had a one on one situation with a barista where I didn't really like the drink or the vibe or the smell and there was no wifi. And I accidentally led him on to think that my husband had a motorcycle. And so I walk really fast past it every time. But he was really nice and I wish the cafe the best. I'll order different next time I go in. Next secret that I pulled out is sometimes I miss unscripted stuff, which again, feels like there's a poltergeist guiding my hand on which of these secrets that I'm pulling out. Because as soon as I'm like, this is a stupid secret, it's not even a good one, I pull out that I miss not writing all of my points down ahead of time. And here I am, you and me, in a dark room, floundering through my secrets. Okay, here we go. I've had two sex dreams about Andy Richter. The first one was at least 10 or 15 years ago, and it wasn't a sex dream, but it was at least like a heavy petting, heavy makeout dream. And it happened on Conan's couch, which is really just like a very small loveseat. From what it. Even on TV, it looks small. And in my dream, I had this heavy makeout session with Andy Richter and I knew he was like, never gonna call me again. And then I realized later that I left my bra in the couch and I watched Conan and whoever was on the couch. I thought, I wonder if my nude bra is still on the couch. So that was this did not Again, if you have been gardening or multitasking, this didn't happen. It was a sex dream. But then literally last night, I had this dream where I was on a date with Andy Richter again. And he was really tall and we were like making out and I was like, I have to tell him I'm married. And I don't really know. I don't have feelings for Andy Richter in that way. I think he's fine. I think he's great. But I've never. I don't have any sexual impulses, but for some reason, twice now, and I don't feel like I have random makeout dreams a lot. Andy DM me. I actually. If I ever saw you, I don't know what I would do. I would sweat so much, I'd go hide behind a plant or something. Nobody tell him. If anyone knows, Andy Richter. Okay, my next secret I pulled out of the hat was about another local cafe. Which tells you a lot about me trying to get out of the house to work. But there's this other cafe I really like working at. They've got great drinks, great vibe, but I've stopped going to work there because it's a laptop farm and it's all laptops all the time. And people stay for hours like barnacles. And then new people come in and they look around for a place to sit. Like it's an awkward cafeteria that no one wants to sit with them at. And I can tell that the owner is dismayed by it and that he wishes the vibe where people coming in to chit chat and draw and read books, but instead it's just like a bunch of us who work from home, but. But don't. And we work from his cafe instead. And so I've decided, I think I'm gonna try to start going just to the library or to the cafe where they serve bad drinks, but they have a lot of tables. The next one is about a trash picker. I got this trash picker, like a dollar store. And it's one of those things where you hold it and then it has a claw at the end of it so you can pick stuff up. It's great if you don't wanna bend down to pick things up, but it's also great for picking up things that you don't wanna put your fingers on. Like a bottle of urine that was tossed out of a UPS truck four months ago that's been sitting in the grass down the street. So I got this trash picker and it is. I can't remember if I've told you this is a secret, but it bears repeating. It's the most fun I've had in a long time. There's something that's very video game about it, where every time you see a shiny gum wrapper or a sliver of a plastic bottle cap, this thing picks it up with surgical precision. And then you just put it into the little trash bag you're carrying around. Your neighborhood looks great, but it's something dope. Some dopamine lights up, just glitters and illuminates in a way that is like a 3D video game. But you're also picking up ephemera. You're picking up modern day archaeology. You're making the street cleaner. And your eyes are scanning everywhere you go, being like, will I find a piece of trash? I hope so. And then some days after my walk for a couple of days, I'm like, there's not even any trash. So get yourself a trash picker. I promise you, it's like Pokemon Go, but for filth. Let's see the next one. We've got banana peppers. I hate them. Pepperoncinis. Banana peppers. If I walk into like a subway or a 711 that has a bar of condiments for your hot dog, I smell a banana pepper and I'm like, I gotta go. I don't know what it is. I like pickle things. I like peppers. I do know what it is. I do know what it is. I was on a Latin trip bus when I was in high school to go. I took Latin for four years in high school and once a year they had a Latin convention and it would be at some high school in California. You'd all get on a bus, you'd pile on a bus. Imagine the demographic of people who are in a four year Latin program. It's a lot of unshaved chin stubble from 15 year olds. It's a lot of people who are still learning about etiquette and hygiene and eye contact. And I was sitting next to this guy named Adam. I don't think he had learned about deodorant yet. And his pit smelled like pepperoncinis. Like the same sort of acrid vinegary spice. And since then I cannot, I can't smell a pepperoncini. And if one's on a sandwich, I'd rather just give it to a pigeon. They deserve it. Okay, next one. Oh, this is a secret. That's a tip too. Keep a towel in your car. I don't know if you've heard me say this at all before a dish towel in the car, you're going to need it more than you think that you will. You spill coffee on your pants, you spill an entire iced tea on your pants. Somebody sneezes, somebody barfs. Mustard shoots out of a packet. When you're going down the highway with some drive through options, you're like having. I definitely am. Like, take whatever leftover napkins you have, shove those in the glove compartment. But also a dish towel. I cannot tell you how often I use them and I switch them out. But let's say that you find a baby possum in the road or something, you got a dish towel. It's so handy. And while we're at it, if you take a tube sock, whatever one doesn't match, or your favorite, you put that tube sock in the little door cubby that's next to you. Every time you have a piece of trash again, it could be a shiny gum wrapper, it could be a plastic top. You know, you put that in the sock, and then next time you wash your car, you just turn that sock inside out. All those little pieces. Even if it's just maybe it's not an apple core. Cause I don't know how often you change it. But don't put a banana peel in there. But if you've got a little something something, you got a receipt you want to put in there, that tube sock will make sure it doesn't spill. And it's discreet. And I like that. So tube sock and a dish towel. Now you know, what's our next one? Okay, this is something that I love. And it's. I don't know if anyone can relate, but if you have something you love and it's been discontinued, there's a grief that's hard to explain because you think, number one, am I alone in being someone who loved this? Like the rest of my community, global or local, didn't love this as much as I did. So it's canceled, it's gone, it's not available. And also, what's my life gonna look like going forward? I think that's a big aspect of grief. And if something like a lip balm that you really love gets discontinued, you feel alone, because how come nobody else liked it? And also you think, what am I gonna do without this lip balm? There was a pomegranate lip balm. It was endorsed by Serena Williams. It was made by mission skincare in 2009. I put it on before bed every single night. It stays on. I wake up, my lips look refreshed I can't. Every time I've gone to sleep without it in the last 16, 17 years, I've been like, I've used it a handful of times. I haven't had it. So it's been discontinued for 16 years. And finally my last tube was running out, and I went on ebay and I found some, and I bought ten tubes. Ten tubes of it. And I have an actual lifetime supply. I don't care how old they are, they're good to me. And I realized that I will. At the rate that one uses lip balm, it's like a chapstick. I will die before these run out. And it's also weird to age and realize, like, a lifetime supply. The bar gets lower and lower. Like, I remember when my dad was in hospice, we bought him his favorite candy bars, which were Almond Joys. Cause we had to try to get calories in him. And he loved them. And when I was helping out after he died, I saw a couple Almond Joys still in the cabinet, and I broke down sobbing because he would never eat them. But it's interesting that, like, three candy bars for him at that point were a lifetime supply. So you never know. You could get mowed down by a truck. And you had no idea that you had, like, a lifetime supply of ranch in your refrigerator because you fucking bit the dust. So you never know. I definitely am gonna die before this lip balm runs out. And if anyone else is like, I love that stuff. Get in touch with whoever runs, like, my estate sale. Speaking of death and getting run over and stuff, I was just in New York and I loved it. I love New York. I always like New York. But I was there alone. I went to the Webbies, and they're like, sorry, we cannot afford you a plus one. And I was like, I'm rocking this solo then. And I was walking around New York a lot. I was trying to get my steps in. I was just vibing. I had my AirPods in, and they default into noise cancellation mode. And I almost got mowed down by a cab more than once. And I'm like, I need to turn these on, like, really loud mode. It's so easy to vibe, and it's so easy to look one way or not. And I didn't die. No one almost, like, ran over me. But I definitely was like, ooh, that was close. So you gotta watch it with your. My Life a movie. Let's see what we got for the next one. You're being so patient. Thanks for hanging out with me. This analogy episode about why next week is gonna be so good, and the fact that I can just sit here and ramble at you and you're here and hanging out with me makes me feel really nice. It's like, you know when there's someone that you like and they ask you a question and you go, thank you so much. Actually, this is what this feels like. I'm not offering you a lot of facts, very little helpful advice. I'm not cutting anything. I'm saying. I'm leaving the pauses in. I'm messing up. And I'm just posting it. And I'm not going to do that every week, trust me. Because that's not what you're here for. But every once in a while, it is really nice just to chill with y'. All. Okay, what's the next one? Oh, here's a hot tip. You know how sometimes you're. You've gotta. Well, okay. A couple things about birthdays. I love other people's birthdays. I think that if you have a friend. I've said this before. If you have a friend and they died, and you would use that as an excuse to get out of something. Not even an excuse, but like a reason to get out of something. Like, I'm sorry, I cannot go to the movies. I just found out my friend died. I feel weird. Or if you would go to their funeral, if they died, they were a chum. You gotta go to their birthday party. If you would celebrate this person when they're dead, which arguably is for you. Foreclosure. You gotta try to celebrate them when they're alive. So I'm a big fan of birthdays and I try to keep a birthday candle and a match in my wallet. Because you never know when it might be someone's birthday and you just find out. Or you gotta celebrate. I've been to birthday dinners. I went to a birthday dinner recently, a big birthday dinner for someone close to me. No one had a candle. Restaurant didn't have a candle. There were like 25 people there. No one had a candle. She couldn't blow anything out. I didn't have mine with me because I was traveling. So have a candle on you. You never know. But also, if you are tasked with, like, making a cake or bringing a cake and you feel overwhelmed by it, because I get it. Cake. You need plates. You need all kinds of stuff. Here's an idea. Make Rice Krispies, treats instead. It's three ingredients. You need butter, you need marshmallows. You can go vegan if you want. And you need cereal. You put that together, you put that in squares, people can handle it with their hands. Who doesn't like a Rice Krispie treat? Sometimes people like cake. I'm okay, but I don't think they'll take a sliver of Rice Krispie Treat. Make it easy on yourself. A couple of ingredients, no baking. You bring a Rice Krispie treat to the office for your coworker's birthday, you've made them happy, you've made everyone happy. And you're not cleaning up any pans and you're not having to stick a toothpick in anything to see if it's liquid in the center and burnt on the outside. So go easy on yourself. You know what? We're gonna take a break. We're gonna take a break. We're gonna donate to a charity of my choosing and thanks to sponsors of the show. And this week it's going to the Hand of Salvation Initiative, which I think I've talked about on this show before. It's a group in Gaza, our two friends, friends of Mercedes Maitland, she introduced me to them. And they are collecting money for people in their camp who have been displ by the war and the genocide in Gaza. And they take the money, they distribute food to people in the camps around them. They are still living in tents. There are rodents, there are vermin, their home is destroyed. There are children who are hungry. So they take the money and they send us videos, they send us thank you notes. They feed the people around them. Recently a windstorm knocked out their solar panel which was five grand. And nobody had electricity to charge their phones to have communication with the outside world. So we replaced it for them. And they're wonderful people doing wonderful things. Tasneem and Nadal. And so they are on chuffed. We're gonna put the link to their fundraiser. We just wiped it clean and we're re raising money for them. So if you feel like sending them a few bucks, they're really wonderful people. We're in communication a lot and it's going to. It's the most grassroots fundraising I think I've ever encountered. It's literally going to feed people around them. So if you want more too on that conflict, you can listen to our genocide episode which we re aired with updates last November. Okay, that is a donation to Hand of Salvation Initiative. Thank you, Mercedes Maitland, lead editor of the show, for introducing me to them and thank you for all of the amazing work they're doing out there. Sometimes to thrive from your head to your heels. You gotta start with your mouth. I take nature's bounties every day. You can support your daily routine with vitamins, supplements, a few things I have in my cabinet that I take every day. They have an advanced hair, skin and nails gummy that I love. It's strawberry flavored. If you are experiencing hot flashes, night sweats, perhaps some menopause relief tablets. Got a lot of my friends on to those. They're formulated to help provide multi symptom support and relief. Also, I take magnesium glycinate capsules every day I have for years. They help support heart, bone, nerve and muscle health. I even travel with these. Put some on your desk at work just in case you forget. So yeah. In particular they can pry my magnesium glycinate out of my cold nervous hands. Couldn't live without it. Nature's bounty. It's in your nature. Learn more@nature's bounty.com these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat gear or prevent any disease.
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Bottomless apps for $9.99 are back at Buffalo Wild Wings and I need everyone to know. That's why I stole this megaphone from a coach to tell people. Attention team. There are bottomless mozzarella sticks and fried pickles to eat at BDubs. Hey guy carrying equipment by himself. Go make friends and share some bottomless apps with them. And you fans watching sports is better with bottomless hatch queso. So go get bottomless ash for $9.99 at Buffalo Wild Wings now. And don't make me repeat myself.
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Limited time. See Weber app for details. It's smart to always have a few financial goals and a really smart one. You can set earning cash back on what you buy every day. And with Discover you can get this Discover automatically matches all the cash back you've earned at the end of your first year. Seriously. All of it. And we trust you to make smart decisions. After all, you listen to this show. See terms@discover.com Credit Card Dish has been connecting communities like yours for the last 45 years, providing the TV you love at a price you can trust. Watch live sports news and the latest movies plus your favorite streaming apps all in one place. Switch to Dish today and lock in the lowest price in satellite TV starting at $89.99 a month with our two year price guarantee. Call 888-D dish or visit dish.com today.
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Courage. I learned it from my adoptive mom. Hold my hand. You hold my hand. Learn about adopting a Team from foster care@adoptuskids.org you can't imagine the reward brought to you by Adopt Us Kids, the U.S. department of Health and Human Services, and the Ad Council. Thanks to sponsors for making donations possible every week, which is my favorite part about doing the show. Okay, okay, we're back. More secrets. Thank you for sticking with me so much. I'm glad you're still here. Sometimes I get really freaked out about doing the show. I've done it for, what, eight years? I think we're almost. Yeah, we're on our eighth year. No, we're on our ninth year. We're gonna turn nine this year. We've done 500 episodes over. 500. The allergies episode that we did, the ologies allergy episode that we did a few weeks back was our 500th. And we just, like, unceremoniously passed 500 episodes. We're always racing to the finish line to get these out. We do 65 episodes a year on this feed. And then for smallogies, we do 50 episodes a year. If you have children and you want some kid safe stuff, you can go to look up smologies S M O L O G I E S Wherever you get podcasts and you'll find some kid friendly ones. We put them out once a week. So we were hustling. We're a very small team and we're all really passionate about what we're doing. And I forgot what I was talking about. But thanks for being here. There was a point to that. And if I were editing this, I would do an aside here. But no, I'm not. Okay, what's our next secret? Honestly, thanks for being here. Oh, saving my sanity. I kept losing my phone and I felt like I was losing my mind. We've all lost our minds. It's been a really weird 2026. And also, if you're more tired than usual, I get it. I'm right there with you. But I kept losing my phone. I couldn't find where it was, and I feel like I would walk past all the time. And I got the most obnoxious phone case that I could buy at this little kiosk. And it's bright, bright, bright fuchsia. And it's saved my whole brain. I can see it in my purse. I can see it when I leave it behind. I don't walk past it five times because it's dark. Same with your wallet. If you have a dark wallet, you're gonna lose that shit all the time. Get yourself a bright colored Wallet. And you're not gonna leave it behind in a restaurant booth or in a cab. You're gonna be able to see it at the bottom of your bag. Get something bright. I can't tell you how much that's changed my life. I swear to God. Okay. It's worth it. And you can get a cheap one. Okay. Sometimes people ask if we've ever taken an episode down and we've only done it one time. And it was Cephology, which we put out in 2018, right around the midterms, and it's the science of voting. We also have a political sociology one which is about, like, the sociology of voting. But this one is a cephology one. It's about how elections run. And the audio sucked. Such shit. It was the worst audio. And also we talked a lot about very specific midterm election stuff. And I was like, I don't feel like this is comprehensive. And if people go to find information about voting, they're just gonna hear a lot about, like, who's gonna flip what? And the audio sucks. So I took it down, which means that we could do another one. And I'm thinking it's time for that. So we may have to do another election one. Next secret. Connor Nightington is a friend of mine. We both worked for cbs. He works on CBS Sunday mornings. He's a delight. And he wrote a book called Leave Only Footprints. It's about national parks. He went to a bunch of national parks and he wrote. And he also intersperses some stuff about his love life and things he's processing. Anyway, he's a good pal. And my mom and my sister are in a book club and his book came up and they mentioned that that was the book they're reading. I was like, I know Connor. So I sent him a message and I was like, my family wants to know whatever happened with your love life. He provided an update, which I won't here because you're gonna have to follow him and find out for yourself. But he zoomed into their book club, which was such a daymaker. What a delight. And so I'm gonna plug his book here, Leave Only Footprints, and say thank you for showing up to my mom and my sister's book club. They said that they're going to talk about it, like, until everyone dies. Like, it was such a highlight. Also, he might get. I don't think he'd get pissed at me for this, but he's single. Well, there you go. That's the spoiler on his love life. And he Lives in Seattle. He did not tell me to say this, but I'm just saying, if you like absolute darlings who like the outdoors and you live in Seattle, I don't know. Do not do anything creepy. Please. Nobody do anything creepy. But I just think he's a delight, and I just. I think you should get his book. And also, I'm. I'm hoping that everything works out for him. And. I don't know. That's all I'm saying. Let's talk about liftliner. I love a lip stain. I love putting on lipstick once and then not thinking about it. And I really don't like if you're sipping something and then you see, like, a half moon of. Of, like, chunky pink on whatever you're. Whatever vessel you're drinking from. It gives me the heebie jeebies. So I love a lip stain. I've tried a bunch. I swatched a bunch on my hand recently, and it looked like I had skin disease. But the one that has worked the best. CoverGirl Outlast. It's like a little pen. You should probably store it upside down because it works better. And that thing lasts all day. Great colors. Not paying me again. And if CoverGirl's evil, I'm so sorry. I'll look into it. There's so many evil companies. Next secret. God. Every company's evil. Every company is evil, almost. It's like if you're making money, you're evil, probably. I'm not saying you should burn down a warehouse, but I am saying we have a Revolutionology episode you should listen to. Okay, here's a hot tip. Clean out your nightstand drawer. If you have a nightstand and it has a drawer or it just has a top to it and you're feeling depressed for any reason. See aforementioned discussion about Revolutionology. Clean it out, see what's in there. You know how sometimes you put the stuff that you don't want anyone to find in the nightstand drawer? Clean it out, see what's in there. Put your mind at ease. You got a junk drawer. I like to call it a utility drawer because I think junk is pejorative. But clean it out, see what's in there. Every time you open it, you're gonna be like, got my shit together. Look at that. The top drawer of your bathroom, where you keep all your stuff, including the toothbrush that you hide from your husband because you don't really like the electric one. Although, thank you so much for all the people who wrote to me after listening to my secret about how I. I don't know if I'm overstimulated by an electric toothbrush. It seems chaotic to me. Toothpaste flings everywhere. It's too much, and someone's like, just use it in the shower. And I'm like, so shower twice a day now at least. And after I eat anything garlicky, I'm gonna try to go back to the oral B. I promise. But clean out a drawer that you use the most, and you'll feel so good about yourself. It's like the best therapy you can buy in 12 minutes. Also, time yourself and see how long it took you to do it, because I'm sure that you're like, ugh. By the time you actually time it, it'll take you less than 15 minutes, and you'll feel so put together. There are people that I see in the airport. Jarrett and I call these airport ladies. And then the people who are going through tsa, and they're wearing a nice outfit. Their hair looks like it's been brushed. They probably smell good. Their socks match. They're not floundering. They don't look like someone just woke them up and shoved them in a place they don't want to be. And I call them airport ladies. And I'm like, I wonder if I'm ever going to be an airport lady. Like, a lady who looks put together and looks like she knows where she's supposed to be when. And I swear, clean out a drawer, you're gonna feel like an airport lady. Okay, I'm still not an airport lady, But a couple times I've gotten up early enough to do my hair and put on makeup and wear, like, not pajamas to the airport, and I'm like, feels good. Feels good. But if you wear high heels in an airport. What are you doing? What are you doing? You don't have to prove that much. You don't have to prove that to anyone. But I've seen people in stilettos in an airport, and I'm like, you're doing too much. I want them to take it off. I went to the Webby's this past week, or it was a couple days ago. And all the speeches are only allowed to be five minutes long. I mean, oh, my God, five words. That's so different. Five words long. So everyone has to prepare ahead of time. It's five words. Everything goes so fast. They're so quippy. They're so funny. No one's like, I forgot to thank my kindergarten teacher for inspiring me. Just five words. I was supposed to record, like, a video with mine. I haven't done it yet. I need to upload it. I think that mine is going to be either everything's interesting if you ask or scientists will save your ass. And I'm not sure which one it should be. Maybe you guys can let me know in some comments or something. Okay, let's do another one. Thanks again for being here. My dog sat on my face today and I could smell her breath and it made me so happy. She smells. She smells. Her breath smells like if you got a seafood tower at a restaurant you couldn't finish and you got it to go and then you left it in the car. She smells like dental floss after, like a lobster dinner. And I've just brushed her teeth. And we take her in regularly to our vet. She's got a lot of teeth pulled. She's 13. She's 14. I think it's time again. But she likes to sit on pillows. If she has the option to sit on a pillow, she'll sit on it doesn't matter who else is on it. And I was lying on the couch today because I was taking a break from writing this wine episode that's gonna come out next week now because I decided to do this one instead. And I put a pillow on my head to block out the sunlight and because I was feeling beleaguered. And she crawled up onto the pillow and she sat on the pillow that was on my face. And her face was right above my nose. And I could smell every molecule coming out of there. I love that girl. What would I do without her? I'd probably sleep in a little later, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. I almost started crying because I love her so much. She's 13. I don't want to think about what her lifespan is gonna be. I don't wanna think about it. Another secret. Medium Build the band. Lovin' Lovin Medium Build. I think it's just one guy who calls himself a band. And I missed his show last year in la and I'm so sad I did and I keeping like, when's he gonna play again? But Jarrett just shaved his beard and he left a mustache. And I had music streaming on my tv and I looked over and Jarrett was standing in front of the TV and Medium Build was on the tv and they look so similar. And I took a picture and I'll have to post it on the Ologies Instagram because it's really uncanny. But his music is great and melancholy and beautiful and I get the song the Yoke with him and Julian Baker stuck in my head a lot. And there's also one called Crying over your, and it talks a lot about places in la. Oh, it's so good. Okay, another secret. When I see people taking grad photos, like, I was just in New York and there were so many people in the public library there who were in their graduation outfits getting pictures taken. Cause it's very beautiful and picturesque and huge, tall cathedral ceilings and marble everywhere and stacks of books and like oak and water fountains. It's so beautiful. That's what a library. And so there are so many people. And in taking their also wedding photos, I think some people maybe had gotten married that day or in the library. There are a lot of. A lot of brides and grooms as well. But. But whenever I see anyone taking a grad photo, I always just want to be like, congratulations, you've probably been through so much and I hope that you don't have any units left over and that this isn't just like an honorary thing and you could actually chill. Although also job market is hard and I hope they have something lined up. I don't know, maybe it's. It's. I'm lucky that I podcast. I'm lucky that I have a job. And the only person that can fire me is, for the most part right now, me. Which I would. Sometimes I think I would give myself the sternest. Talking to my performance reviews would be like, why did you put up a whole episode of Secrets instead of the wine episode? Why did you blame jet lag on having horrible sleep? And then your brain was too flustered to finish the episode? Like, why can't. I would demote myself if I could, but unfortunately, I'm the only me I've got. Let's see. I'll give you guys thank you for hanging out. I hope this feels like a hangout. I guess I don't care though, because I'll tell you the truth. We've been doing this for so long and we research, we edit, I write out all my talking points or script, I have all my citations and stuff like that. And sometimes it makes me worried that the facade or the artifice is what is valuable. And I worry that the more me I am or the more raw the edge is, the more repugnant I might be to listeners or disappointing or something. So I think that having this mishap where I don't have the episode, but I have to put. I don't have to put something up, but I'm again on contract for 65 episodes a year. So I do have to put something up. But doing this sometimes freeform, like this is a good exposure therapy to being a little bit more unedited here and there and not feeling like I need to be perfect. It's also tough when you're on the Internet. You have a lot of feedback and sometimes it's great, and other times you go and you filter what you say through the maddest person who could leave a comment to you. And in trying to please everyone, you please no one, not even yourself. And so you start talking or you start thinking even, and ideating in a voice where the fewest people will be upset with you from a pedantic standpoint. And I don't know, the spontaneity kind of gets lost there. And maybe as time goes on, you would think that you would get more and more confident and more and more like, fuck you. And there are parts of me that are like that. But at the same time, you just think any upset DM I get or something, I'm gonna have to maybe, you know, deal with or have some sort of conflict resolution, or I ignore it and I feel like a jerk. And so anyway, sometimes you just think I'll insulate myself with this guise of having it together, which is really, really counterproductive to creativity because I feel like being creative and being a little weird and leaving your ums and likes and things like that gives other people permission to be more of themselves and not overthink so much. But what I was gonna tell you is plan your fucking wife's birthday parties. I'm glad this secret came up because I'm feeling hot under the collar about it. Here's the thing. I have friends who are having big birthdays, and I have several friends having milestone birthdays, been married for like 20 years, whatever their husbands are doing, absolute bub kiss for them. And we're like, hey, are you gonna plan like a party? Do you want to do a surprise party? Do you want to plan a getaway with some of her close friends?
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And.
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And the husbands were like, I don't know. I asked her and she said she didn't know. So then what happens is the labor gets outsourced to her best friends who have been doing this since the bridal shower time, you know, since the 21st birthday time, since the wedding shower, bridal shower, everything. Ladies have to plan the fucking parties. And you don't notice it when it's a 21st birthday. Cause people aren't usually with long term partners then unless it's like Utah or something. And with bridal showers and baby showers, it's like, that's vagina adjacent. So ladies are on it. But then it comes to the big birthdays, and I'm not saying all of you at all, but I'm saying some dudes are like, well. And then the ladies are like, okay, well, let's figure out what your ideal birthday would be. Let's figure out, where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with? Da da da da da. And so we're out here planning these, and I'm like, you know what? You live with this woman, had your children. You've lived with her for 20 years. You're trying to tell me you don't know what her perfect day looks like? Does she like Hawaiian shave ice? Does she like Rice Krispie treats? Does she like gelato? Does she want an ice cream cake? You're telling me you have no idea? You can't even come up with a. You can't even fumble a surprise and at least try. Instead, I'm out here planning my girlfriend's birthday parties, and the dudes are nowhere. Pisses me off. Don't say, I don't know if you. If you have a wife, if you have a husband. I feel like this is a hetero problem more. I mean, let's be real. But if you have a partner who has a thing coming up, try. Get in there. I'm so pissed. I just am. Like, how disrespectful. You know how disrespectful. Okay. Make a Rice Krispy treat, though. Okay. Another secret. If you listen to the enigmatology episode about magic and puzzles, which are the same ology, and I found a magician who writes New York Times crossword puzzles, you might remember that I was like, secret. I don't really like crossword puzzles. I've never liked them. I don't like doing them. They stress me out. Something clicked. Something happened. Recently, I've been bricking my phone. It's a brick is this little thing you can get for 50 bucks and you can tell it which apps to brick. And you have to physically touch your phone to it if you want to unbrick. So it keeps you from scrolling, and it's very handy. Another reason why I don't like posting, because I have to go unbrick my phone. But I don't have the crossword app unbricked. And I've been really liking it. It's kind of like if you've ever solved A wordle. And you go, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I solved a wordle. I feel all good about myself. It's like that. But there's like, 40 different wordles to solve, sort of. And then you start getting used to the, oh, there's a question mark at the end of this. It's going to be a little pun. This is going to be a little tricky. And what it taught me from a weird, like, existential level of self acceptance was like, well, of course I couldn't have gotten that word when I first tried because it's a little joke or a pun. I never would have guessed that. But I worked around it, and then it gave me the clues. Or I went and I worked on this cluster of words for a while, and I came back to it, and then the word popped in my head. So I didn't like crosswords for a long time because I felt like. And also, like, don't start with the Saturday. And the Saturday has, like, a bunch of weird crossword inside jokes. And, like, who's the composer? Who did? And you're like, I don't fucking know. Start with a Monday, start with a Tuesday. Ease into it. But it does make you feel accomplished, and it does teach you that things are a process and that it's okay if you don't know at first. You just keep working on it. So crosswords also, I don't want to get dementia if they tell me to do the crossword. And I'll have fewer plaques in my brain and I'll remember who I am until I die, which might be me getting hit by a cab next time I go to New York with a lifetime supply of lip balm in my nightstand that's clean, so be it. Okay, last secret. I'm going to tell you. I think we've. Okay, we talked about. We've talked about vegetarianism many times and about how I'm an aspiring vegetarian. I've cut back on meat a lot, but I know that any animal product is, especially with factory farming, is not good for animals. And it's something that in the future we're gonna find meat eating and eating from factory farms reprehensible. Like, there's no way morally to justify it. And I talked about this. I'm literally forgetting what episode we did last week. We've done so many episodes. Turkeys. Yeah. Okay. And I talked a little bit about how any reduction in meat is a good one, but. And also how if you drive on roads and you live In a house. Like, you've killed animals, and you've displaced animals, and you kill animals all the time. And also, what is an animal? If you wash a mite off your face, that lives in your eyebrows? Is that cruelty to animals? I don't know. But I was thinking maybe I should start eating more bugs and mealworms and things like that, because they can be. They're a protein that's harvested in a much more humane way. Typically. Typically frozen. And they go kind of into a torpor. It's still death. But I think that the world might need to embrace this more. We did a whole entomophagy anthropology episode, which was great. Maybe we'll try to link it in the show notes. Even though I'm gonna put this thing up in, like, five minutes. But I think more people could get behind it and normalize it, because what seems to be the big hurdle is cultural and just squeamishness. But if you have eaten fried shrimp with the shells on, if you have eaten lobsters, if you've eaten other crustaceans, it's not that big a jump. And we're really letting, like, an ick factor keep us away from a much more sustainable harvest of animal protein. If that's the way you want to go again, tofu is great. There are other vegan options that are great that I lean into already. But back in the 70s and 80s, the idea of tofu barfed some people out. They were like, it's got toes in it, and it's soy, and it's like a big block of whatever. Now it's not a big deal. And I think that bugs. I think we're living in an era where people think bugs. If this were like an SAT thing, where you had something and a colon and then a double colon and another thing, it'd be like, you know, like 1980s was to. Tofu was like, bugs is to now or whatever. So I think I am seriously gonna try to do that more. And I don't know what. I don't know where that's gonna go. But I wish that there were more. Maybe there. I wish there were more people pulling for it. But then I started getting in my head, and I was like, what if the bugs that we try to farm get out like snails did in California during the Gold Rush, and they start decimating crops, and then worldwide hunger soars because some of us were like, we should be eating bugs instead of chickens. I don't know, guys. I worry too much. I am gonna tell you a secret. Now, that's not from me. I did a live show in Brooklyn in November, and I had people fill out a card. Either something a life problem that I can fix or a secret that I could read on stage. And so I have a hat that is filled with secrets and problems. And so for my last secret, I'm going to tell you somebody else's. I have not seen these. I have the bag. It's full of probably, like, a hundred secrets and problems, and I'm just gonna read one at random. Okay. This person said, I am banned from the Hampton Classic Horse show for yelling at rich people planet and people over profit. Right on the money. Animal cruelty also, and the planet. So ask smart people. Oh, another secret is this person just said I masturbate sometimes. They spelled masturbate wrong, but I appreciate the confession. Okay, I'm sorry. These are so fun. Okay, one more, one more. Oh, this one's brutal. Oh, this is brutal. It just says, maybe I never really loved her. Oh, fuck. Well, it's past tense, so maybe that's a chapter of your life that's over. And if it is, if you never really loved her, maybe it's better you let her go and let her find someone who does love her or give her some space to love herself. Because there's nothing like the glow up after a breakup. So maybe if you took off, her life just got better. My life always improves after a breakup. Always. It sucks at first. And then I go, thank God for that. And I love your mother. Jarrett Sleeper. We've been together pretty much 15 years. This summer, we're about to have our fifth wedding anniversary, and we broke up a thousand times when we were dating. I'm older than him by, like, a lot. And I was like, I gotta figure out what I'm. Am I gonna have kids? What's going on? So we just kept. I kept breaking up with him. We kept breaking up. I was like, you're young. You need to go sow your oats and good luck, and maybe one day you're just gonna marry a gorgeous yoga teacher that is abundant in Los Angeles. And so I went through a lot of breakups with him, and then I also dated other guys, and then we broke up and stuff like that, in between with the guys. And then I date him. I dated Jared again. My point is that I'm in a little bit. There are times when I'm like, you know what would be great right now would be a breakup. I would get so fit, I would probably give myself a little makeover. I would spend more time reading. But the problem is I don't want to break up with him. But I do want the revelations and the self care and like the hotness that comes after a breakup. And I don't know. I don't know how to do that without breaking up with someone. I did meet someone this weekend at the Webbies and their channel, their whole hook is breakup glow up. And I was talking to her about it. I was like, we gotta figure out a way to get that without cutting someone out of your life that you're obsessed with and you love. We'll figure it out. Thanks for being here. Look at us, 51 minutes. I'm not gonna do an edit. I'm not doing a single edit. Thank you for being here. This was like of risk to do. Thanks for just letting me slow talk without a punch of edits and letting me tell you so many secrets. Maybe no one will listen to this. Isn't it weird that I talk and then I put this up and people listen to it? That does not compute for me. It doesn't. I don't understand it. I feel like I just am making this for a friend and that's you and you're listening. It doesn't comprehend that there's more than one of you. There's got to be analogy for that. But we'll figure it out. Thanks for being here. Okay, next week you'll get a real episode. Bye. Bye. Pachydermatology, homeology, Cryptozoology, Lithology, Nanotechnology, Meteorology, Olfactology, mapology, serology. Is that all? Yes sir, that's all.
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Bottomless apps for $9.99 are back at Buffalo Wild Wings and I need everyone to know. That's why I stole this megaphone from a coach to tell people. Attention team. There are bottomless mozzarella sticks and fried pickles to eat at BDubs. Hey, guy carrying equipment them by himself. Go make friends and share some bottomless apps with them. And you fans, watching sports is better with bottomless hatch queso. So go get bottomless apps for $9.99 at Buffalo Wild Wings now. And don't make me repeat myself.
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Limited time. See Weber app for details.
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