Emilie Kiser EXCLUSIVE: The Loss That Changed Her Forever

Summary

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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Emilie Kiser EXCLUSIVE: The Loss That Changed Her Forever

Date: June 17, 2026
Guest: Emily Kaiser
Host: Jay Shetty

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Episode Overview

In this deeply emotional and candid conversation, Emily Kaiser joins Jay Shetty to share the heart-wrenching story of the loss of her young son, Trig, and the journey of grief, resilience, and healing that followed. Emily opens up in detail about what happened, the toll it took on her and her family, how she navigated both private mourning and an intensely public reaction, and her mission to raise awareness around childhood drowning and grief. This is an episode dedicated to the complexities of loss, the relentless nature of grief, and the possibility for meaning, connection, and advocacy after unimaginable tragedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Day That Changed Everything ([02:05]–[09:00])

• The Phone Call and Immediate Aftermath:

  • Emily recounts receiving a call from her husband, Brady, that their son Trig had fallen into the pool and wasn’t breathing. The chaos, devastation, and helplessness of that moment is palpable.
  • Quote: “Our whole world fell apart. There is no way to describe to someone what it’s like losing a child.”
    – Emily Kaiser [02:15]

• Living Through the Loss:

  • They spent a week hoping in the hospital before Trig passed away. Emily and Brady discuss the gut-wrenching decisions and emotional paralysis in those days.
  • Quote: “You constantly are looking back like, how? How have I done that? How are we even here right now? Time just feels so warped and confusing.”
    – Emily Kaiser [12:32]

2. Life Before the Loss ([05:05]–[07:46])

• Emily’s Social Media Motivation:

  • Emily started sharing her day-to-day life online as a new mom, seeking connection and meaning outside of motherhood, and found comfort and community in relatable daily content.

• Relationship with the Community:

  • She expresses gratitude for the warmth and support received, both before and after the tragedy, but acknowledges how public sharing creates vulnerabilities.
  • Quote: “My community just feels warm and kind...I could have never anticipated the support that I would receive.”
    – Emily Kaiser [06:33]

3. Navigating Grief in Private & Public ([09:36]–[16:46])

• The Unique Weight of Public Grief:

  • Emily explains how her family’s loss quickly became public due to local news coverage and online speculation.
  • She describes the added pressures: invasive media coverage, helicopters, and strangers scrutinizing every detail.

• Rumination and Guilt:

  • The family is tormented by “what-ifs” and an endless loop of self-questioning.
  • Quote: “When your child passes away from a preventable accident...All that’s going through your mind is, where did I go wrong? Where did we go wrong? How did this happen? Why did this happen?”
    – Emily Kaiser [10:30]

4. Unpacking Grief: Myths & Reality ([20:48]–[24:02])

• Grief Is Never Linear or Over:

  • Emily debunks the idea of the “stages of grief” for bereaved parents, drawing on her sessions with Dr. Joanne Cacciatore.
  • Quote: “You hear that all the time...Oh, there’s stages of grief. Stages of grief were designed...for elderly people who are at the end of life. That is not made for parents who have lost their child because there are no stages. It is never ending.”
    – Emily Kaiser [23:04]

• Feelings Coexist:

  • Grief and joy, guilt and support, sadness and reminiscent happiness are all present at once.
    – “Everything is going to coexist with the grief. You could feel joy and feel so much sadness at the exact same time.”
    – Emily Kaiser [21:42]

5. Returning to “Normalcy” and Setting Boundaries ([26:47]–[32:05])

• The Struggle to Function:

  • Post-loss, Emily and Brady could barely get out of bed; their family provided critical support.
  • The relentless outside attention also led to PTSD and a strong urge for privacy.
  • Quote: “When we first lost him, we weren’t even leaving our house...helicopters going over our house. News were showing up constantly. I was basically just in my home, and I didn’t want to be anywhere else.”
    – Emily Kaiser [27:51]

• Navigating Judgement and Self-Compassion:

  • Online negativity intensified feelings of guilt, but ultimately no one could say anything Emily hadn’t already told herself.
  • She finds peace in being understood by only those closest to her: “These people don’t know me, and they're never going to know me on a deep level...The people who know us, know us.”
    – Emily Kaiser [31:57]

6. Advocacy, Acceptance, and Prevention ([33:36]–[36:55], [62:02]–[68:18])

• Raising Awareness:

  • Emily becomes committed to advocacy, sharing the reality of childhood drowning—a leading cause of death for young children—and the need for multiple safety measures (pool fences, swim lessons, door alarms, etc.).
  • Quote: “Drowning is the leading cause of death in children three and under...It’s not talked about enough. And I really want to make an effort...to make it so that hopefully less families have to go through what we've gone through.”
    – Emily Kaiser [34:42]

• Acceptance is Ongoing:

  • She clarifies there's no “acceptance” per se: “I don’t think I’ll ever fully accept...what took his life because it is just so terrible. But I acknowledge it, and I know that I can just only do better from here.”
    – Emily Kaiser [36:50]

7. Therapy, Healing, and Support Systems ([37:03]–[40:48])

• Finding Help:

  • The family sought immediate professional support: animal therapy at a “care farm,” grief counselors, and weekly couples counseling. Emily credits therapists who specialize in child loss with helping her develop coping skills for a pain that never disappears.

• Community Among the Bereaved:

  • While conversations with other loss parents are sometimes helpful, Emily notes it's still very isolating, especially with the added layer of public scrutiny.

8. Redefining “Good” and “Bad” Days ([40:48]–[42:54])

• Daily Existence:
  • Emily measures her days by how she manages her grief, not by labeling them good or bad.
  • Quote: “Your grief is on a scale of 1 to 10, and then your level of managing it is on a scale of 1 to 10…Not good and bad days. There’s good and bad moments, and that’s what makes up your days.”
    – Emily Kaiser [41:29], [42:16]

9. Boundaries, Public Role, and Representation ([42:54]–[45:14])

• Professional Transparency:
  • Emily is deliberate in what she shares publicly for her own and her family's mental health.
  • She resists the pressure to “perform” grief for an audience and expects misunderstanding.

10. Parenting While Grieving ([48:15]–[51:14])

• Parental Fear and Purpose:

  • The loss profoundly alters how Emily parents her surviving son, Teddy—bringing both terror and motivation.
  • Quote: “I made a promise to Trig right before we lost him that I was gonna take care of Teddi...That has kept me going.”
    – Emily Kaiser [50:00]

• On Judgment:

  • She shares the pain of comments about Teddy’s future with “changed” parents, but reclaims the narrative: “He’s never going to have the same parents Trig has. We are fundamentally changed by this, but I will be even better.”
    – Emily Kaiser [50:54]

11. Grieving Together as a Couple ([52:14]–[58:20])

• Joint and Individual Grieving:
  • Emily describes intense emotions toward Brady, including anger and doubt, but ultimately focuses on mutual empathy, forgiveness, and partnership.
  • Quote: “He let me feel all of those emotions...But this could have just as easily happened to me.”
    – Emily Kaiser [53:41], [54:07]
  • They support each other uniquely because only they truly understand the depth and complexity of the loss.

12. Honoring Trig and Talking about Him ([58:24]–[60:26])

• Keeping Trig’s Memory Alive:
  • Emily insists on open, regular conversation about Trig, both for her own healing and Teddy’s upbringing.
  • “I just don't want him [Trig] to ever be forgotten, and he won't be...Having daily conversations in our house, I’ve added so many photos around our house of him.”
    – Emily Kaiser [59:46]

13. What To Say—And Not Say—to Grieving Parents ([60:26]–[61:59])

• Hurtful vs. Helpful Words:
  • Emily finds “He’s in a better place” or “This was meant to happen” extremely painful, as they erase the tragedy’s preventable nature.
  • Quote: “All you want to hear when you lose your child is, ‘I'm so sorry and he deserves to be here.’”
    – Emily Kaiser [61:46]

14. Final Advice and Lessons ([62:02]–[68:05])

• Prevention Over Perfection:

  • Emily urges parents not to rely on good intentions alone: get multiple pool barriers, enroll children in swim survival lessons (ISR), and be aware that distraction happens to every parent.
  • Quote: “There is no possible way for me to always have my eye on them...Even if you think it will never happen to you, it can happen to you.”
    – Emily Kaiser [65:20]

• Turning Grief to Purpose:

  • “Fight like hell to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Make sure you have your kids in swim lessons. Make sure you have a pool fence...Do everything you can.”
    – Emily Kaiser [67:16]

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Notable/Memorable Quotes

• On Grief:
  “Grief is going to be with you for the rest of your life. …You have to feel what you feel when it comes. That is just how you have to go about it forever.” — Emily Kaiser [22:13], [23:29]

• On Parenting After Loss:
  “I will be the best mom I possibly can...and I will be even better. And I think I almost took that as motivation.” — Emily Kaiser [50:54]

• On Prevention:
  “If you have a pool and you have a young child, get a pool fence...Having as many barriers to entry is what's important.” — Emily Kaiser [62:13]

• On What Helps:
  “All you want to hear when you lose your child is, ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘He deserves to be here.’” — Emily Kaiser [61:46]

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• [02:05] – The call: the accident and its immediate impact
• [07:46] – Explaining the loss for those who don’t know
• [12:15] – The private, unmatched agony of losing a child
• [16:20] – Public discovery, media involvement, and social reaction
• [21:56] – How contradictory feelings coexist in grief
• [23:04] – The myth of “stages of grief” for bereaved parents
• [27:30] – The impossibility of normalcy after tragedy
• [36:50] – Ongoing acceptance: “I don’t think I’ll ever fully accept”
• [37:37] – Therapy, animal care farm, and sources of support
• [41:28] – Measuring grief: a scale of feelings and coping
• [50:00] – A promise to Trig to care for Teddy
• [54:07] – “This could have just as easily been me”: empathy for Brady
• [62:02] – Practical prevention: advice for parents

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Themes and Tone

The episode is raw, honest, and deeply compassionate. Emily speaks with remarkable candor, challenging platitudes about healing and “moving on” after loss, rejecting superficial interpretations of grief. Jay Shetty maintains his characteristic warmth and empathy, letting Emily’s story unfold without interruption, and underlining the episode’s core messages: that true compassion is in listening, not presuming; that grief is endless but so is love; that sharing the truth of tragedy can create awareness and—just maybe—save lives.

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Conclusion

This conversation is a must-listen for anyone walking through loss, supporting someone who is grieving, or wanting to understand the depths of human resilience. Emily’s message is clear: honor your grief, take nothing for granted, do what you can to prevent tragedy, and never assume you know the entirety of someone’s pain. Most importantly, “everything is going to coexist with the grief”—and that is both the heartbreak and beauty of healing.

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Transcript

[Jay Shetty]

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[Podcast Host / Advertiser]

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[Emily Kaiser]

I got a phone call from my

[Brady Kaiser]

husband that our son Trick had fallen in the pool and that he wasn't breathing.

[Emily Kaiser]

Our whole world fell apart. There is no way to describe to someone what it's like losing a child. We did not think we would make it through that.

[Podcast Host / Advertiser]

Hey everyone.

[Jay Shetty]

Welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. You know the thing that's most important to me is sharing real stories that allow individuals to express their journeys, express their challenges, express the lives that they've lived in a way that uplifts, inspires, and most importantly, heals all of us. Today I get to sit down with Emily Kaiser. Emily has invited so many people into her life with honesty, warmth and openness. And over the past year, she's walked through a life altering experience. One that reshaped her world in ways no one is ever prepared for. Please welcome to On Purpose, Emily Kaiser. Emily, so wonderful to meet you.

[Brady Kaiser]

You too.

[Emily Kaiser]

I'm really grateful to be here.

[Jay Shetty]

Your energy since you walked in this morning is so warm and cozy and comforting and I felt like I'd known you forever.

[Emily Kaiser]

I appreciate that.

[Jay Shetty]

It was just so sweet. But I wanted to start off by just asking you, how are you today?

[Emily Kaiser]

I'm nervous. I'm honored to be here. Yeah, I feel okay.

[Jay Shetty]

What does your normal day to day look like right now?

[Emily Kaiser]

I'm a mom, so my priority day to day is taking care of my younger son, Teddy. So my day to day is pretty normal. I wake up, I work out, I try to work out every day just because I know those like good endorphins will help me mentally throughout the day. And I notice a really big difference if I don't do that. And then I kind of just spend the rest of my day with my son and just wherever it leads me. I've learned throughout a lot of my grief journey that I, I just can't have too many expectations for myself. So I, I just have to set small intentions and go where the day leads me.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. And, and what was your intention for coming here today? Like, what was going through your mind to want to come and share now?

[Emily Kaiser]

And today I have a large platform and going through what we've been through this past year, just honestly, nothing has felt like an appropriate place to talk about fully in depth. What happened, what our family's been through, just how much we miss Trig, how much we love him. It just, it honestly hasn't felt right. And I feel like when you asked me to come, I, I really felt like, okay, yeah, this is like a person that I can sit down with and have a really in depth, meaningful conversation that will hopefully help people spread awareness, help me to maybe heal in a way.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, I, I really hope that this conversation is healing for all of us and kind and, and healing for you as well.

[Brady Kaiser]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

We'll talk about the loss in a moment, but talk to me about what life was like before the loss. Like, talk to me about creating or sharing your Life Online in 2021. What did it look like? What was the motivation behind that? What was the inspiration behind all of that?

[Emily Kaiser]

The whole motivation always behind starting social media was honestly that I just needed an outlet. I think that's why a lot of that we crave human interaction, human connection. And I lived in Utah at the time for already about, I think, maybe three or four years. But when you become a mom, your whole world shifts. Your life changes. Like, nothing can even prepare you for that journey. And I was just really, deeply craving something to fulfill me in a deeper way. Obviously, motherhood fulfills me so much, but I felt like I needed, like, my own thing, and I think that's so healthy and important. And I was like, I think I should just start sharing my day to day. Like, maybe people will relate to that. So I was sharing morning vlogs, day in the life vlogs, cleaning vlogs. And honestly, it deeply motivated me. I was home alone most days with trig, and so it really just helped me to, like, get out of the house, get stuff done. Like, that was my motivation, was just connecting with other moms and people.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. And I know our team here are huge fans of yours and they've loved following you. What was your relationship like with your community during that time? Like, it feels like you've just did exactly that. It made people feel connected to you, made people feel less alone.

[Emily Kaiser]

I feel like to me, my community just feels warm and kind. And I feel like I'm just so grateful for my community and how much grace and love they always give me and my family. And especially going through what we've gone through, I. I could have never anticipated the support that I would receive. And it's really always felt that way.

[Jay Shetty]

When you're so public like you are, and then you go through a loss, everyone feels a part of that journey with you too. And I imagine that it's affected the online community, yourself. It's almost like you share your life with everyone. I know, I know I can feel that way sometimes.

[Emily Kaiser]

It's definitely shifted my perspective on my boundaries and how much I choose to share. I don't share my younger son anymore. I have a strict boundary of I don't share Trig anymore, I won't share photos of him, videos of him. It's definitely just shifted a lot of my perspective of as much as I am so grateful for the community, it does kind of give you this perspective of people. I mean, yeah, they don't actually know me. They don't actually know my real life. And it's a hard thing to learn, especially going through what we did so publicly. It really opens your eyes.

[Jay Shetty]

Could you explain for those who May not know what you went through last May. Could you share in the best way you feel comfortable sharing that experience?

[Emily Kaiser]

I went out with my friends. I was five weeks postpartum, and I went out to dinner for a little girl's night out. And about maybe 10 minutes after I arrived, I got a phone call from my husband

[Brady Kaiser]

that our son Trick had fallen in the pool and that he wasn't breathing. And I could hear the pain and the just confusion in his voice. I knew immediately before he even said anything that something was wrong. And so I rushed to the hospital

[Emily Kaiser]

to be by my son's side and our life just completely changed that day.

[Brady Kaiser]

And he passed away about a week later and, yeah, our whole world fell apart.

[Jay Shetty]

I'm genuinely so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine how much courage it takes to even share that with us today and the strength that you have being here. And, yeah, I can't imagine what that loss feels like. And it's the most heartbreaking thing you could ever hear. And to add on to that, the public nature of your profile and your family and everything else, I can't imagine how much that stress is placed on you and your family and everyone else included. People that are close to you and those that love you.

[Brady Kaiser]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

What went through your head at the time and what's been going through your head as you've had time?

[Emily Kaiser]

I mean, your body just goes into fight or flight mode. So I feel like I've just been truly taking it minute by minute, hour by hour, and slowly kind of increasing from there. But I mean, the only thing that was going through my mind was just that I wanted him to be okay, that I wanted my old life back,

[Brady Kaiser]

that I wanted him to have his life back. I mean, it's what he deserves. And it's just. You can't even describe that feeling of when. When your child passes away from a

[Emily Kaiser]

preventable accident, a preventable tragedy.

[Brady Kaiser]

All that's going through your mind is,

[Emily Kaiser]

where did I go wrong?

[Brady Kaiser]

Where did we go wrong?

[Emily Kaiser]

How did this happen? Why did this happen? Hindsight is playing in your head 24 7.

[Brady Kaiser]

And yeah, I mean, it's terrible.

[Jay Shetty]

That kind of rumination and kind of just spiraling of all those questions that you just shared and all those thoughts. I'm sure there's. It's almost like not even. It's not even a question of trying to move on or trying to. You know, it's. It's so. It's so kind of all encompassing and all engulfing because it's exactly what you said. You're just wondering about if this. What if? Why not?

[Emily Kaiser]

We had to make so many big

[Brady Kaiser]

decisions in a very short amount of

[Emily Kaiser]

time that no family should ever have to make. And I know that other people will relate to that. And it's. It feels impossible. You're truly going second by second because at any moment, something could change or you could be given different news or,

[Brady Kaiser]

you know, so it's just truly just minute by minute.

[Jay Shetty]

What was the hardest part about that experience that no one sees, because everyone tries to empathize. Everyone obviously tries to understand. And you can. I always feel like when you haven't been through a pain, you can be empathetic, you can be compassionate, you can be theoretically there. But when something happens to you, it's very different than when you observe it through someone else. What's the part of it that no one sees that you've been carrying that that affects you?

[Brady Kaiser]

I mean, just the heartbreak, the mess,

[Emily Kaiser]

the love that you have for that person.

[Brady Kaiser]

Nobody can.

[Emily Kaiser]

Even if you have the most empathy in the world, nobody will ever be

[Brady Kaiser]

able to feel even if they've been

[Emily Kaiser]

in a similar situation. Those are the people who can relate the most. But there is no way to describe to someone what it's like losing a child and what that pain is like. And it feels unbearable. We did not think we would make it through that. Like, you constantly are looking back like, how? How have I done that? How have we done that? How. How are we even here right now? Time just feels so warped and confusing, and I feel like that's. I mean, that's the hardest thing that you can't explain to someone is just what it's actually like. No, you will never know what it's

[Brady Kaiser]

actually like unless you are going through it.

[Emily Kaiser]

Even you will be surprised by the decisions you make. Your thought process, your grief. I mean, I had even heard similar stories before Trigg passed away. I mean, you always sit there with theoreticals of this is how I would handle it or this is what I would do and you would literally never know. And it's crazy thinking back, that I ever felt that way or that I ever theoretically felt that way about other people's tragedies, because now I'm like, oh,

[Brady Kaiser]

like you literally don't know.

[Jay Shetty]

I've had friends pass away or younger friends get diagnosed with cancer who've passed away. And it's been really interesting when you get to that kind of age, when people around you are starting to get diagnosed with certain things and you start learning how, as Friends, you want to be there for each other, but how certain friends don't quite get it. And it comes back down to exactly what you just said. Like, we're so. As humans, we're so quick to judge someone's experience and how we deal with it. And then when you go through something close to that, you realize how none of that mental faculty or reasoning even comes close to helping you deal with any of that, because the emotion is so strong and so overriding that you don't have that function in your brain that you had before something like that happened.

[Emily Kaiser]

Your brain chemistry literally changes.

[Jay Shetty]

The hardest thing is your loss and what you're going through in love and the life you had and wanting it back. But then you're also managing this, your career, which also has this public perception on it. How did everyone find out? And how did that kind of go into the conversation there?

[Emily Kaiser]

When I first got the news that Trig had fallen in the pool and went to the hospital, I mean, my mind was anywhere.

[Brady Kaiser]

Anywhere.

[Emily Kaiser]

But what are people gonna say?

[Brady Kaiser]

What's.

[Emily Kaiser]

I wasn't even in a mental space.

[Brady Kaiser]

I was only focused on him, and

[Emily Kaiser]

so was our entire family. I mean, the news broke because I think. Because news cars started showing up. People started putting together that my house was my house. I mean, little things, I think, like that furniture matched in news video footage. And people started to put together that

[Brady Kaiser]

it was Trig based off of the

[Emily Kaiser]

descriptions that were being given. But I hadn't even thought that far yet. So when I found out that it had become public and that people were wondering what had happened. I mean, we're still wondering what, like, what had happened in that moment. I didn't even have details, really, on what had happened.

[Brady Kaiser]

We were in the depths of just

[Emily Kaiser]

figuring out what Trig needed and what we could do to help him. That's kind of how it broke. And from there, it just became. I mean, frenzy, to put it at the least.

[Brady Kaiser]

It was crazy.

[Emily Kaiser]

But I was just so uninvolved in that at the time that it wasn't until after he had passed away that I think I really realized how big it was and how. How many people were talking about what had happened to him.

[Jay Shetty]

And what you're saying makes complete sense. That, of course, when you're going through something that tragic, you're just present there. Your. Your mind is not anywhere else. Do you. Do you ever, in circumstances like this, ever find the answers that even help about what happened and how it felt like? Do you even get there? Because it almost feels like when These things happen. There's no. It's almost like there's no answer that can heal or soothe or solve because it's just pain.

[Emily Kaiser]

There really is no answer for why it happened. At the end of the day, it happened because there were precautions that we didn't take. I'm a very logical person, and I go based off the facts, and that's what I had to do the entire time that we were in the hospital, getting information, everything. And there's no answer for why he's not here. That's some bigger thing or a lesson or anything. There's. There's nothing. It's. We should have protected him better. And. And that's. That's why it happened.

[Jay Shetty]

What broke my heart beyond learning about your story, as I was preparing for our conversation today and to be with you, was some of the reaction online. And of course, I want to talk about both, because I think the negative always gets more precedence than the positive. And so I want to talk to you about both because I think there was a lot of love and there was a lot of support, and I want to talk to you about that, and I want to hear about that. But the part that broke my heart was to see how when a human sees another human, whether we know you or don't, and for those who follow you, they know you extremely well. To already know that someone's going through something that is the worst thing that a parent could ever go through, to then have their own opinion, commentary, verdict on it feels heartless and painful in a way that I can't understand why our human mind would even go there. Let's talk about some of the support you felt from people online.

[Emily Kaiser]

When I came back, I honestly was fully preparing myself for any reaction I was possibly gonna get. I was just so deeply craving, I think, a sense of normalcy. And when you're grieving and when you go through something, any sort of loss, honestly, I think that that's what a lot of us grip onto is how can I find any sense of normalcy in my life to get me through the day? For me, that kind of was starting to slowly return to my job that I love so much. Nothing could have prepared me for the support that I received. I was really just emotional and blown away and just so grateful. And I

[Brady Kaiser]

very often feel very undeserving just because of how sad and, honestly, guilty I feel and sad for Trig that he's not here.

[Emily Kaiser]

Sometimes I feel undeserving of, like, how

[Brady Kaiser]

are we able to still, in the

[Emily Kaiser]

best way we can go on with our lives. And I'm just really grateful that I

[Brady Kaiser]

had so many people that were just there for me.

[Emily Kaiser]

My community kind of just said, however slow you want to take it, whatever

[Brady Kaiser]

you choose to share, you can share it.

[Emily Kaiser]

That's kind of what I prepared myself returning was with the boundaries of I

[Brady Kaiser]

will just share what I'm comfortable with,

[Emily Kaiser]

because I would rather be ripped apart for what I. What I don't share and for not

[Brady Kaiser]

sharing enough than share too much of

[Emily Kaiser]

the pain and the heartbreak and the thoughts that I go through every day and be judged for that.

[Brady Kaiser]

It's just.

[Emily Kaiser]

It's too much.

[Jay Shetty]

I appreciate you sharing the added layer of the emotional toll of experiencing loss, then experiencing grief, getting support, but then actually feeling guilty and a little bit of shame to even experience that support. And it's the emotional toll of all of those extremely difficult emotions to carry all at the same time. It's all the time that's really heavy for you to, you know, just to hold all of those at the same time.

[Emily Kaiser]

I think people look at grief as stages, or at some point it's gonna end. The pain is gonna end. We look at grief as this finish line. I feel like for a lot of. I grieved for this amount of time, or I was sad for this amount of time, and then that's not how it works. It's never ending. Your grief is going to be with you for the rest of your life. And very early on, we had so many amazing health professionals that helped us because we would not have even gotten to the mental place we are in now without those people. And I feel like, even though it

[Brady Kaiser]

was such a weight to hear at

[Emily Kaiser]

that time of, this is never gonna go away. Like, we're going through the darkest thing

[Brady Kaiser]

we could ever possibly go through. We just lost our child. He's never coming back. And to hear that you're gonna feel this forever was. It's. It feels impossible.

[Emily Kaiser]

You're like, okay, so it's never gonna get better. I'm never gonna feel. But that's when the other lessons come in of everything is gonna coexist with the grief. You could feel joy and feel so much sadness at the exact same time.

[Brady Kaiser]

You can feel support while also feeling guilty.

[Emily Kaiser]

You can feel sad while also feeling reminiscent on the memories. So many feelings coexist, and that is. That is forever. And I feel like the longer I've gotten into my grief journey, even though I'm not very far in it at all in the grand scheme of things, the more I'VE just really learned that that is how I have to go through my life of just I am

[Brady Kaiser]

allowed to feel whatever, Brady is allowed to feel whatever.

[Emily Kaiser]

My family is allowed to feel whatever. But it can all coexist.

[Brady Kaiser]

But the grief is never going away.

[Jay Shetty]

You are completely right. That that belief that we all have or this hope that we all have that there's a finish line, there's an end point, there's a turning point for moments like this. You're absolutely right. There is none. And that's the hardest thing and the most helpful thing in one because it's almost lying to ourselves or lying to others. Saying it will go away one day is actually worse because then you're just waiting for that day.

[Brady Kaiser]

Yeah. Or the stages of grief.

[Emily Kaiser]

You hear that all the time.

[Brady Kaiser]

Oh, there's stages of grief.

[Emily Kaiser]

Stages of grief were designed and I actually learned this from Joanne Cacciatore, who's a doctor that we went to like very early on. We went to a few of her. She owns a care farm, kind of like a grief place for parents who have gone through child loss. And she just basically said, plain and simple, that's designed for elderly people who

[Brady Kaiser]

are at the end of life, of

[Emily Kaiser]

the stages of accepting that your life is going to end, that is not made for parents who are, who have lost their child because there are no stages. It is never ending. You could be in one stage at some point and then at the next point you're in the complete opposite stage. And you just have to accept that. You have to feel what you feel when it comes. And that is just how you have to go about it forever.

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[Kal Penn]

Hey, everyone, it's Cal Penn. I'm the host of Irsay, The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Ray Porter, the narrator of Andy Weir's audiobook project, Hail Mary, massive sci fi adventure about survival and science and what happens when you wake up alone, very far from Earth.

[Ray Porter]

I really had to make a decision because I caught myself getting that frog in my throat and starting to get teary as I'm narrating some of these sections. And it's like, okay, yo, yo, yo. Is this in the indulgent? And I really thought about it. I was like, no. At this point it would kind of be betraying the trust the author and the listener have in telling this story if I don't go through it. But there's places in this book that, that deeply, emotionally affected me and I left it on the mic. That's great because it served the story. People will say like, oh my God, I cried at the end. It's like, yeah, dude, me too.

[Kal Penn]

Listen to Irsay, the Audible and I Heart Audiobook Club on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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[Jay Shetty]

You said that there is a part of you that obviously took a break, obviously after all of this and the only reason you went back was to experience some normal normalcy and you know, just getting into some routine and rhythm for your life. Which is always encouraged when, when people go through difficult things to feel just like you're moving your body, you're, you know, helping yourself. You're going back to doing things that, that felt familiar. How hard was it to even go back to doing that?

[Pets Best Advertiser]

We were,

[Emily Kaiser]

I mean, obviously barely able to get out of bed, barely able to get up and brush our teeth. I was, we were not in a position to even take care of our younger child. I'm.

[Brady Kaiser]

I'M so grateful for the support and

[Emily Kaiser]

the family we had around us, because we just could not have done it.

[Brady Kaiser]

I mean, when we were first

[Emily Kaiser]

going through it, and I was five weeks

[Brady Kaiser]

postpartum, so I wasn't even in a headspace to

[Emily Kaiser]

get into a routine at all. I was still trying to get used to having two kids. My dad was actually who came to me and was like, em, you gotta move your body. My stepmom actually teaches Pilates on the side, and he would just have her come over and help me. I would go on walks. Um, but even at. At that beginning, when we first lost him, we weren't even leaving our house because we had people driving by, taking videos, helicopters going over our house. News were showing up constantly. I was basically just in my home, and I didn't want to be anywhere else in terms of. I just wanted to be in my bed. At that time, it felt impossible to get back into any sort of routine. But then at some point, I think I felt like I don't have any other choice. Like, I have to. I have to be the best version of myself that I can manage right now for Trig, for my younger son, Teddy, for myself, for Brady. Like, I have to.

[Brady Kaiser]

It's not a choice.

[Jay Shetty]

I've never had that experience around what you're saying, around the news teams and the helicopters and the. Is there a sense of, like, setting boundaries in that way? Like, can. Can you be. Like, it feels so invasive. Like, it just feels. It's almost like this is a really tough, tragic time for someone. And I just. I don't understand why that would. You know, it's. Yeah, it's fascinating to me how we as humans have normalized that.

[Emily Kaiser]

I think I've really mentally blocked out so much of that because I was

[Brady Kaiser]

just so focused on what we were

[Emily Kaiser]

dealing with inside of our home that my mind wasn't even really there. But I think back, and I had PTSD pretty much from so many things, but hearing helicopters still go over my house, I'm constantly like, oh, is that gonna end up on the news? It was completely invasive.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. When people talk about or commentate on events that they don't have the full details over or the actual insight over from the inside, what were the kind of things you were hearing that were hurtful and kind of dehumanizing to some degree as well, because when someone's far away from the problem but commentating on it without understanding it, what were the things that you were hearing or things that you saw that really affected you

[Emily Kaiser]

at the end of the day, it's hard hearing anything that beats you up more than you're already beating yourself up. Nobody could say. I really try to not focus on the negative because nobody could say anything. And I've heard a lot of things to Brady and I that would make us feel any more hurt than how

[Brady Kaiser]

we already feel not having him here. Nothing.

[Emily Kaiser]

When you lose your child, you really don't care about anything else besides doing your best to get through it. And there's not even a through it. You don't get through it. Doing your best to move forward, I

[Brady Kaiser]

guess, caring for your family.

[Emily Kaiser]

Like I said, I have a younger son, so that was also just a huge.

[Brady Kaiser]

And stays a huge motivation for me

[Emily Kaiser]

of I. I have to keep going for. I mean, just. Nobody could say anything that would ever hurt us more than we're already hurting. But it's hard. Obviously, I'm a human. It's hard to hear people make their own assumptions, their own conclusions, draw their conclusions about Brady, draw their conclusions about me as a parent. But at the end of the day, I just have to remember that these people don't know me, and they're never going to know me on a deep level, because that's impossible. Nobody's ever gonna know you on the deepest level as the people who love you and tr. Truly know your heart and know you. And I think, if anything, I find

[Brady Kaiser]

kind of peace in that of the people who know us, know us.

[Emily Kaiser]

That's really the only people you genuinely need in your life and that you

[Brady Kaiser]

need to understand you is the people who know you and love you.

[Emily Kaiser]

And everyone's entitled to their opinion. I think that's a hard lesson. I've had to learn so much at the beginning, I felt so much anger towards the public, and I mean, I still do. I think I have every right to. But I also put myself in the shoes of. Unfortunately, I would probably do the same thing and have assumptions and have opinions and have thoughts about what happened. And naturally, I think it's natural human reaction to want to put blame on someone. It's the only way that you can come up with a logical reason of why it happened or how it happened is to place blame. And I think in some ways, it makes people feel better. I mean, I can't. I can't fully blame people.

[Jay Shetty]

The part that really connected or resonated, at least with me, was this idea that you're already beating yourself up enough inside and you're already hurting enough inside that there's nothing anyone could say to you that could supersede that personal blame and personal responsibility or pain that you're putting on yourself when you've gone through something like you have and that. What else would you like people who may be filling in the gaps with their own commentary or, as you said, allowed to have their opinion? And what would you like to say to them? What would you like them to know from your perspective?

[Emily Kaiser]

I could say a list of things that I wish people knew or a list of things that I feel like we're said wrong or assumed wrong or facts, but it just really doesn't matter. I feel like all that matters that I want people to know is just how much we love Trig and how

[Brady Kaiser]

much we miss him and how, trust

[Emily Kaiser]

me, we beat ourselves up every day. We know what we could have done differently. Hindsight really is 2020. And I promise you, there are so many things now looking back that I

[Brady Kaiser]

wish we did differently.

[Emily Kaiser]

The only thing I can do to honor Trig and to show my love for him is take care of Teddi and hopefully help to spread awareness and do my best to make it so that hopefully less families have to go

[Brady Kaiser]

through what we've gone through. I would love to say that I

[Emily Kaiser]

can do my best to make sure this never happens again, but drowning is the leading cause of death in children three and under.

[Brady Kaiser]

I feel like there's groups of people

[Emily Kaiser]

who hear about it often, but it's not talked about enough. And I really want to make an effort, especially going into this year and especially being where I am in my grief journey of, I feel a little more ready. I think I've finally accepted that this

[Brady Kaiser]

is what took his life.

[Emily Kaiser]

I really just want people to know

[Brady Kaiser]

that this is preventable and it doesn't have to happen to you.

[Emily Kaiser]

And, I mean, that goes for so many preventable accidents. That's what I really think matters, that

[Brady Kaiser]

people need to know.

[Emily Kaiser]

There's nothing I can say that's gonna change people's minds, and I'm not here to do that.

[Jay Shetty]

When you say it took you eight months to even accept that this was what tragically took his life, what were you wrestling with? What were you grappling with in order to accept that? What does that look like?

[Brady Kaiser]

I don't think I'll ever fully accept what happened to him because although it was preventable, it just feels so cruel.

[Emily Kaiser]

And especially that night and the way things happened, it really felt just like a series of, you know, you play it back and you're like, how did I go wrong there? And why did I Leave and why did this happen? Why did that happen? It's hindsight. You go back and you replay and think, what could I do differently? What could I change? I just think that's kind of the process. You just have to go through that, just replaying it, to be honest, just over and over again, thinking about all the things that we could have done differently, thinking about the things that we will do differently. And I don't really know if I have an answer for how you accept it. I think everybody does it in their own time. But I don't think I'll ever really accept that he's gone. I don't think I'll ever really accept

[Brady Kaiser]

what took his life because it is just so terrible. And the pain that he went through is so terrible.

[Emily Kaiser]

But I'm just doing my best.

[Brady Kaiser]

And like I said, I don't think

[Emily Kaiser]

I'll ever fully accept it, but I acknowledge it, and I know that I

[Brady Kaiser]

can just only do better from here.

[Jay Shetty]

What kind of professionals did you go to? What did they talk about? For people who may be going through something similar or struggling, who are listening right now, And I think we're not even aware of the fact of how many people are suffering with something similar. We're not conscious of it until it happens within your proximity. What were some of the therapies, the methods, or the healing practices and approaches that actually helped when we

[Emily Kaiser]

first loss Trig pretty much immediately, within about two weeks of us getting home. It was very quickly my family found out through other people who had suffered through child loss, which I'm so grateful for the amount of resources that even though they weren't directly reaching out to me, because I was not on my phone, I was not on social media, I didn't even have a phone. Just for our mental health of like, you do not need to look at anything. You need to just focus on yourself and your family. And we immediately after about two weeks, went to the care farm that I was kind of mentioning. And they use animal therapy, just basically interacting with animals. You speak with health professionals while you're there. Licensed therapists, licensed doctors. They're not there to heal you. Nothing's going to be able to heal you. They're there so that they can teach

[Brady Kaiser]

you the best tools.

[Emily Kaiser]

And I feel like that's where I really learned that it's never gonna go away, that I have to just coexist with this forever, that the pain, the hurt, the heartbreak is never gonna go away. It's just gonna hopefully become a little more manageable. I can't shout out my family enough.

[Brady Kaiser]

They. They truly are what have carried us through this.

[Emily Kaiser]

They got us in with therapists, great grief therapists that specialize in loss and child loss. We're in couples counseling weekly. We've just been doing as much work as we can because there was nothing else we could do. I give so much credit to anybody who works in that space because I cannot imagine the weight that they carry hearing the amount of things that they

[Brady Kaiser]

do, the heartbreak, the stories.

[Emily Kaiser]

I've talked to my husband about this before of. I cannot imagine two parents coming into you telling you what they've been through and you having to try your best to either guide them together or help them heal a little bit, talk them through it, or if. If they choose to be a part, helping them through that in an amicable way. That has to be one of the hardest jobs.

[Brady Kaiser]

Yeah, you guys are doing really important work.

[Jay Shetty]

Did you meet and spend time with other parents who'd also gone through child loss? Was that helpful? Was that not helpful? Was it. Did it feel too close to home?

[Emily Kaiser]

Like, I've had a couple moms that I've talked to that have been through some similar things, and that has been helpful. But at the same time, I think that, really, unless you talk to someone that is going through the exact same thing, at the level of exposure that we did, it really just felt like there's nobody to talk to who is going to relate to what I'm going through right now, what we're going through, what Trig went through. Like, I just. It really felt impossible. And so I really haven't gotten to a point yet where I've reached out to, like, support groups. But in the future, when I feel like a little bit more time has passed, I think I would feel more ready to do that.

[Jay Shetty]

What does a good day look like right now? A good day. Your definition of one. And. And what does a bad day look like right now when you're experiencing this grief?

[Emily Kaiser]

I honestly don't really define my days by if it's a good day or a bad day. I truly, like, I cannot stress enough that when you're going through child loss or you're going through loss in general, you're really just living minute by minute. I can't even think about my whole day. When I wake up in the morning, I truly just go through it like, okay, I'm gonna get done what I can get done today. I'm gonna do what I can do. It's kind of two scales. Your grief is on a scale of 1 to 10, and then your level of managing it is on a scale

[Brady Kaiser]

of 1 to 10.

[Emily Kaiser]

If my grief feels like an 8 that day, but my level of managing is a 10, that's. That's a goodish day for me. If I'm having more moments throughout the day where I just can't do what I need to do, I'm okay with that, too. But I would say just every day, I truly wake up, like, whatever. However this day goes, whatever is thrown at me, I'll get through it. And I literally just have to take it as it comes.

[Jay Shetty]

Not even sure just how much, you know, how powerful that advice is. It's. It's so much better than our basic acknowledgment of whether it's a good day or a bad day. Because what you just said is the reality of, okay, grief is on a scale of 1 to 10, of how much the extremity, I'm feeling it, and then what's my ability to manage it?

[Emily Kaiser]

And that's not good and bad days. There's good and bad moments, and that's what makes up your days. Every day is hard. Every day is quote, unquote bad. Without him here, it's terrible. But I still have good moments in my day. And I would be lying if I said that I don't still have some joy and some happiness. Like, my younger son brings me so much joy and so much happiness, but I'm also simultaneously sad and empty. And that's why I just say you really have to learn, and you quickly do learn, that everything coexists, and that's just the way it is.

[Jay Shetty]

Sharing your life, sharing your journey, sharing everything online is your work. Even though it may be joyful and fun in moments that it's still work. What has it been like going back to work while still grieving? And what do people misunderstand about that?

[Emily Kaiser]

I've had to set, kind of, like I said at the beginning, a lot of boundaries of just really taking it day by day, of whatever I'm comfortable sharing, I'll share. And if I'm not comfortable, I'm not sharing it. And it's hard seeing people genuinely say, oh, you're fine. Oh, you've already gotten over it. Oh, you. You seem like you're doing great. It's like, this is my job. I'm going through it like a job. At any job, you have to show up. You have certain expectations that have to be met. And it's also a creative outlet for me. So naturally, sometimes when I'm doing my job. I am in an okay headspace and I'm just doing my best to kind of distract myself and get through it. But that is not a representation of my whole day or my grief. Social media shouldn't be anyone's representation of anything because at the end of the day, it's always, even if you share the good, the bad, the hard, it's what you're choosing to share. Always. Unless someone had a 24 hour camera going, you, you'll just never understand what, what it's like inside someone's brain who's lost a child.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Emily Kaiser]

I also can't fault people for that because you're seeing what I'm choosing to show you. And so I really do accept in a way, and it's taken me time, the hate that I get, the feedback that I get, because I don't expect people to understand. They never will understand. I would rather share, quote, unquote, not enough in their eyes, or I would rather look, quote, unquote, not sad enough or whatever their expectation is and feel like I'm protecting myself and my family and my inner, deepest, darkest parts of my grief and save that for the people, the professionals that are truly gonna understand and be able to walk me and talk me through it and support me.

[Kal Penn]

Hey, everyone, it's Kal Penn. I'm the host of Irsay The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Ray Porter, the narrator of Andy Weir's audiobook project, Hail Mary Massive sci fi adventure about survival and science and what happens when you wake up alone, very far from Earth.

[Ray Porter]

I really had to make a decision because I caught myself getting that frog in my throat and starting to get teary as I'm narrating some of these sections. And it's like, okay, yo, yo, yo, is this indulgent? And I really thought about it. I was like, no, at this point would kind of be betraying the trust the author and the listener have in telling this story if I don't go through it. But there's places in this book that that deeply, emotionally affected me. And I left it on the mic. That's great because it served the story. People will say like, oh my God, I cried at the end. It's like, yeah, dude, me too.

[Kal Penn]

Listen to Irsay the Audible and iHeart audiobook club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Cindy Crawford]

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[Jay Shetty]

People on social media can't be your therapist and can't be your guides and can't be.

[Emily Kaiser]

And they shouldn't be.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, it's not their role. Yeah, exactly what you just said. It's a, it's a, it's a great mindset to have to understand that that's not their role and, and that there are people that you're seeing in order to experience that. And at the same time, I, I do really, really wish for the world that especially in moments that are not divisive, it's, it's easier to be kinder. We've talked about you being someone who's gone through extreme loss, grief and going through guilt, shame. Then there's the added component of your work. But then there's the added component of parenting while you're also grieving the loss of a child. Talk to me about that particular type of grief.

[Emily Kaiser]

I've gone through so many different emotions with parenting since we lost Trig and just being completely honest, feeling not good enough, feeling unfit, feeling like,

[Brady Kaiser]

feeling scared.

[Emily Kaiser]

Losing a child really shows you in the scariest, most real way possible just how quickly life can change and how quickly life can be literally taken away. And I think that really scared me with Teddi. There's so many things in my control that I can do, preventative measures I can take, ways I can be better. I mean, there's a list of things as a parent that you can do to protect your children. But there's also so many stories and stories that I heard after we lost Trig where I was like, that was completely freak accident, not preventable. And that's an element that's been hard in parenting him, is realizing that there's only so much I can control. I always tried to remind myself that I have a choice to make.

[Brady Kaiser]

I can either let this completely derail

[Emily Kaiser]

me more than it already has and not really feel like I'm fit or able to take care of my younger son, or I can do everything in my power to be the best mom I possibly can for him and give him the same love that Trig had and has. And I made a promise to Trig

[Brady Kaiser]

right before we lost him that I was gonna take care of Teddi. That was actually, like, my final promise to him was like, I will take care of your brother. Because at that time, I felt like I couldn't. It really just was too much. It felt I could. I couldn't even take care of myself. But that has kept me going of. I made a promise, I'm going to fulfill it, and I'm gonna give Teddi the best life I possibly can. And that means showing up for him, showing up for myself,

[Emily Kaiser]

doing everything I

[Brady Kaiser]

possibly can to make sure that that happens. This is actually something that did make me really sad. When we lost Trig was so many people naturally said, oh, Teddy's gonna have such a terrible life. He's never gonna have the same parents that he did.

[Emily Kaiser]

So many comments.

[Brady Kaiser]

And it's true. He's never going to have the same parents Trig has. We are fundamentally changed by this, but I will be even better. And I think I almost took that as motivation of I will give him

[Emily Kaiser]

the best life I possibly can.

[Brady Kaiser]

I will be the best mom I possibly can to him.

[Jay Shetty]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that as well. I really love what you're saying. You are accepting that you will be. That you are fundamentally different. But that doesn't mean you can't be better and can't give more love. And those two things, again, can coexist. That you have changed, that you are different, that you won't ever be the same person that you were before, naturally. But that doesn't take away from the fact that you absolutely love Teddy and want to give him the best life that he could possibly have. When I was thinking about today and thinking about our conversation, I was just thinking about all the multiple layers of loss, grief, pain that. That exist in. In someone's experience. And I think the other part of pain for you is having to go through grief while someone else is grieving. Too. Talk to me about how it feels for you grieving while the person that you're parenting with is also grieving.

[Brady Kaiser]

We've really done our best to grieve

[Emily Kaiser]

together and to talk through every emotion and every feeling.

[Brady Kaiser]

And I really give Brady so much. Empathy and respect. I have so much respect for him, honestly, and I think that would maybe shock people. But he has allowed me to take

[Emily Kaiser]

out every emotion I've had throughout this

[Brady Kaiser]

process, whether it's on him or talking to him or with other people.

[Emily Kaiser]

And I just have so much respect for that of how much he has just let me feel every emotion and he's never made me feel bad for it.

[Brady Kaiser]

He's going through so much as well.

[Emily Kaiser]

And like I said, we are the only two people that can understand at

[Brady Kaiser]

all what the other person is going through.

[Emily Kaiser]

And so I just really in a

[Brady Kaiser]

situation where a lot of people would

[Emily Kaiser]

say I could never forgive my husband, I could never stay married to him, I could never this, that, the other,

[Brady Kaiser]

he let me feel all of those emotions. It's been really hard at times to grieve together.

[Emily Kaiser]

To be honest. There was a time where I was

[Brady Kaiser]

just, I mean from the beginning.

[Emily Kaiser]

So I felt so angry at him of literally I don't know if I

[Brady Kaiser]

will ever forgive this man.

[Emily Kaiser]

But I think the biggest thing that really kind of altered literally my brain chemistry and the way I thought about

[Brady Kaiser]

it was this could have just as

[Emily Kaiser]

easily happened to me. This could have just as easily been me and Brady's position.

[Brady Kaiser]

Brady was taking care of our newborn

[Emily Kaiser]

child when I left for dinner that night. He was dethawing my breast milk trying to get Teddi settled five week old baby. And that doesn't excuse anything. It doesn't excuse what happened, it doesn't excuse any of the series of events after that. But taking that accountability along with all the other things I know I could have changed gave me so much true, deep, real raw empathy for him of this could have been me. Even if I got to a point where I could not stay married to him even if I accepted that of if there is a chance that we don't stay together. This was when we first lost Trig

[Brady Kaiser]

that I felt this way I would be able to forgive him because I would so deeply want him to forgive

[Emily Kaiser]

me and to know that I didn't mean for it to happen. And that's exactly how I feel for Brady. I really just have so much empathy

[Brady Kaiser]

and love for him and he is so strong and I'm really proud of

[Emily Kaiser]

us honestly and how we've grieved together through all the therapy we've done that I feel like we've really been given

[Brady Kaiser]

tools that even though our grief is

[Emily Kaiser]

so separate, we have really done our

[Brady Kaiser]

best to come together.

[Emily Kaiser]

And even if we grieve separately at times, and we each have our moments, because I think that's healthy too. You naturally don't sit and really all the time grieve with your partner. You do, but there's so many moments throughout the day where you guys are feeling different emotions. One's at a 10, one's at an 8. And it's not each other's job to balance it out. Your job is to let your partner

[Brady Kaiser]

feel what they need to feel and

[Emily Kaiser]

then be there for them through every emotion. And I'm really proud of us that I feel like we've done that and just done our best truly, to really remember that all we have is each other in terms of understanding what we've

[Brady Kaiser]

been through and how much we love and miss him.

[Jay Shetty]

Thank you for being so transparent about the reality of every emotion that any human would feel naturally in that situation. And. And even the resolution that you've personally come to where it being the respect and the empathy and the understanding, you've got such a big heart just goes such a big heart. It's actually really extremely healing listening to you, because it's. It's something we're all working on in our own way with the people closest to us. You're just working on it in the most extreme way. I'm happy and thankful that you feel that way with each other and that you've been able to express every feeling and be every version of yourself and even allow yourself to have the thought of, can I forgive? Is this going to work? And then finding resolution through that. And I'm assuming that there's been times when you've needed to rely on each other, as you said, because you're the only ones who can understand, and times when you've needed to rely on family beyond that.

[Emily Kaiser]

My husband really is the only person, one of the only people besides licensed professionals that I really feel comfortable feeling every emotion of grief. I think that's natural because we raise Trig, we love him with every fiber of our being. That's the only possible person that's going to understand the love and the mess and the hurt and the heartbreak and

[Brady Kaiser]

the void of losing your child.

[Emily Kaiser]

And so naturally, we have the most

[Brady Kaiser]

deep, profound, emotional conversations with each other

[Emily Kaiser]

because it's usually us coming together about how much we miss him. Or a memory that made us think of him that day or just all the conflicting emotions of what happened and

[Brady Kaiser]

what we've been through and the feelings that we feel.

[Emily Kaiser]

I would hope, and I think I'm the same way for him, is we're really the only two people that we

[Brady Kaiser]

feel like we can truly be open

[Emily Kaiser]

and vulnerable with on that level every day.

[Jay Shetty]

Have you found that helpful to talk about Trig Naturally. Whenever he comes to both of your minds.

[Brady Kaiser]

And I love to talk about him. It obviously makes me sad, but he truly was and is such a light. And although so many people didn't get the literal honor of meeting him, anyone he came across in his life, I mean, we still have his teachers reach out to us and they're like, we love him so much. And this reminded us of him today. And yeah, it's really helpful. I from the beginning, Brady and I told our families, like, I never want a world and I never want Teddi to grow up in a world where this is an avoided conversation. Because even though it's a hard conversation and it leads to a bigger conversation, I'm sure Teddy is going to have questions as he gets older. I never want a world where people don't talk about him. And I feel the same way for sometimes negativity talked about us surrounding him of if you're talking about him and you're spreading awareness, really that's all that matters to me.

[Emily Kaiser]

I just don't want him to ever

[Brady Kaiser]

be forgotten and he won't be.

[Emily Kaiser]

And having daily conversations in our house, I've added so many photos around our house of him because I just want his face to be everywhere and I don't want it to ever be something that Teddi or anybody is ever questioning

[Brady Kaiser]

what he looks like or who he is. We've really made an effort that he's constantly brought up.

[Emily Kaiser]

My friends know it too. If I see something that reminds me of him, I'm always like, oh, my

[Brady Kaiser]

gosh, Trick would have loved that. Or this is what he would be saying because he really was such a funny kid and so loving and just the best. And I know everyone says that about their kid, but he was just the best.

[Jay Shetty]

When you lose someone you so deeply love, what are for you hurtful things people say and what are helpful things people say? That's a good question, because I think when people lose someone, no one knows really what to say.

[Brady Kaiser]

I think one of the most hurtful and confusing things people can say is

[Emily Kaiser]

anything in the realm and everyone has their own beliefs, but anything in the realm of he's in a better place

[Brady Kaiser]

or this is just what was supposed

[Emily Kaiser]

to happen, because it wasn't.

[Brady Kaiser]

It was preventable. It wasn't supposed to happen. The best place he could be is here with his family, with his little brother growing up. That's the best place he could be. I think that's always hurtful, and people

[Emily Kaiser]

kind of use it as a band

[Brady Kaiser]

aid of like, he's in a better place, it's okay. No, he's not. This is a child that had an entire life ahead of him. So many memories, so many things that he was looking forward to, we were looking forward to, he didn't get to experience yet. So saying that to any parent who's gone through child loss, at least in

[Emily Kaiser]

my experience, is just very hurtful and unhelpful. That's the last thing a grieving parent wants to hear.

[Brady Kaiser]

All you want to hear when you lose your child is, I'm so sorry and he deserves to be here, or

[Emily Kaiser]

they deserve to be here.

[Brady Kaiser]

And I wish you weren't having to go through this.

[Emily Kaiser]

And I wish he hadn't gone, had

[Brady Kaiser]

to go through this.

[Emily Kaiser]

That's the only. The only things that they don't help,

[Brady Kaiser]

but they make you feel loved and comforted.

[Jay Shetty]

Emily, why have I not asked you today that you wish I did?

[Emily Kaiser]

The main thing I hope people can take away from what Trig went through and what our family went through is

[Brady Kaiser]

just once again, that it's preventable to please.

[Emily Kaiser]

If you have a pool and you have a young child, get a pool fence. I know there's other options. I was there. I chose Annette. I regret it. Having as many barriers to entry is what's important. So that's swim lessons. That's ISR lessons. I have Teddy starting ISR as soon as he possibly can.

[Jay Shetty]

What is ISR sorry for?

[Brady Kaiser]

It's swim training for young children so

[Emily Kaiser]

that they can learn survival techniques. Whether that's floating on their back. If they're too young to be able to swim, they usually teach them it fully closed so that they. If they're in any situation, they can figure it out. And it just gives them the resources that there's time, there's more time for someone to come find them. The biggest lesson is always going to

[Brady Kaiser]

be watch your kids.

[Emily Kaiser]

Don't take your eye off them. I don't care what anybody says. That's not 100% realistic. Every parent gets distracted. Every parent has things that naturally. It could be going to the bathroom, that you have a moment where your eye isn't on your child, make sure that you have every other barrier so that God forbid something happens, you're able to act and they're not in a

[Brady Kaiser]

position where they can lose their life.

[Emily Kaiser]

And I really feel like that is the most important thing I hope people take away from what happened to Trigg

[Brady Kaiser]

is just to please protect your kids.

[Jay Shetty]

There were many reasons why I wanted to speak today. One was to truly get to understand what you've gone through and to expand our compassion and heart and empathy towards you and, and love towards you and, and also just this wonderful service that you have and purpose that you have to want to make people aware using your loss and pain that you've gone through to actually help others and keep them aware. And I think is really, really powerful that you've chosen to do that. A loss like this can make you want to be 100% vigilant and, and 100% like just never leave, you know, Teddy's side in this scenario. And obviously that's not only not realistic, it, it's not possible.

[Emily Kaiser]

Obviously that's best case scenario. That's the whole point of any, any sort of prevention or barriers or anything. I mean, I'm specifically talking about pool safety, but that's not the only thing that can, can hurt children, that can affect them. That's actually a tool that you can use in your favor is knowing and being honest with yourself honestly. Of there is no possible way for me to always have my eye on them. And I know people might take that and be like, no, I have my eye on my child 100% of the time. I don't know. You might think you do, but there's always lapses in judgment. There's always things that distract us in life. There's always things that can happen. And that's. That's biggest lesson is even if you think it will never happen to you,

[Brady Kaiser]

it can happen to you. It can.

[Emily Kaiser]

None of us are special. None of us can control little tiny choices and things that can make up the whole picture. It's hard when parenting. I, I did feel that and I do feel that still of I never

[Brady Kaiser]

want to take my eye off of him.

[Emily Kaiser]

And I, I will do my best, everything in my power to make sure I am always there when he needs me. But as a parent, you, you just can't. Sometimes you have to go to work or leave your child in someone else's care. And I mean the, the, the only thing you can do is trust. Trust that you've done everything you can. They'll do everything they can. And I mean, that's been a hard. A hard thing for me to process

[Brady Kaiser]

because it does feel, especially in those

[Emily Kaiser]

first few months, especially of I'm never. I can't leave his side. But I also just have realized over time that's not realistic, it's not healthy, and I just have to trust that I'm gonna do everything I can. I do know a mom who went through a very similar situation. About a month after we lost Trig,

[Brady Kaiser]

I talked to her for the first time, and I asked her, are you so scared of water?

[Emily Kaiser]

Are you so scared of the pool? And her answer shocked me that she was like, no. Because I know that I. I will do everything I possibly can to make sure that that never happens again. And that just kind of again, just rewired me where I was like, as much as you wish this never happened, as much as you're constantly overthinking everything you could have done differently, that's all

[Brady Kaiser]

you can do is change, be better.

[Emily Kaiser]

Make sure it doesn't happen again. Same with other parents who they're not even going through it. They're bystanders or they're hearing about the story. That's all you can do, is make sure it doesn't happen to you, because it can. And when it does happen to you, that's really what makes you realize, oh, this stuff can happen. And it does happen all the time. I mean, it will still scare you, but instead of letting that deter you, let it motivate you that, you know it can happen. So do everything you can. Fight like hell to make sure that it doesn't happen again. Make sure that you have your kids in the swim lessons.

[Brady Kaiser]

Make sure that you have a pool fence.

[Emily Kaiser]

Make sure that you have a sensor in your pool.

[Brady Kaiser]

Make sure that you have door alarms.

[Emily Kaiser]

Make sure that you have automatic closers on your sliding doors. Make sure the handles are high up enough. Do everything you can so that it doesn't happen again.

[Jay Shetty]

Genuinely, I'm just so sorry for your loss. And also, just not only did Trig not deserve it, you didn't either. And neither did your family. And so I really hope that parents who listen to this will share it with others. And people who want to be parents will be thoughtful about these things and really thankful that you're using your voice and the challenges and struggle you've been through to help others, because it's so important, so needed. So thank you, Emily. Thank you so much.

[Emily Kaiser]

Thank you for giving me the platform. You have a larger platform than I do, and I'M really grateful that I'm able to be here and talk about all of these really important things because

[Brady Kaiser]

I really do just hope it will

[Emily Kaiser]

get across more people and will be on their radar. And yeah, I'm just, I'm really grateful that you had me here and that I got to talk to you. I was excited to talk to you and just kind of hear your perspectives on different things.

[Brady Kaiser]

And yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

The beautiful lessons you've given us today in how grief never really goes away, how grief can coexist with joy, with love, with reminiscing, and how you want to continue to celebrate the light that triggers and continues to be in all the people that knew him and all the people that will continue to know him through his story.

[Cindy Crawford]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

And so, yeah. Thank you, Emily.

[Brady Kaiser]

Thank you.

[Jay Shetty]

Thank you so much.

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[Emily Kaiser]

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[Brady Kaiser]

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[Brady Kaiser]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.