I Reached a Major Milestone! 8 Life-Changing Lessons I’ve Learned From Incredible Guests Along the Way

Summary

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: I Reached a Major Milestone! 8 Life-Changing Lessons I’ve Learned From Incredible Guests Along the Way

Air Date: November 26, 2025
Host: Jay Shetty

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Overview

In this milestone episode, Jay Shetty celebrates reaching 5 million YouTube subscribers by reflecting on the most potent lessons shared by extraordinary guests throughout the five-year journey of his podcast. Jay curates powerful, heartfelt conversations about growth, resilience, sobriety, love, self-knowledge, spirituality, and community — all aimed at supporting listeners in living happier, healthier, and more authentic lives. Each segment revisits an iconic guest, distilling the wisdom that shaped both the show and its massive community.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sobriety and Self-Discovery with Tom Holland

• Segment Start: [02:54]
• Core Theme: The courage to embrace sobriety and find clarity in self-examination.
• Key Insights:
  • Tom Holland shares his journey of quitting alcohol, revealing both the struggle and the transformational benefits.
  • The process started as a “Dry January” but became an exploration into his relationship with drinking, leading to a lifestyle change.
  • He underscores the value of supportive friends and finding meaningful replacements for old habits.
  • Both Tom and Jay normalize addiction struggles, championing honesty and self-compassion.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “By the time I had got to June 1, I was the happiest I've ever been in my life...I can't believe the difference that I feel from not drinking.” — Tom Holland [06:08]
  • “There was something that we called the higher taste...you can never give up a lower taste unless you add a higher taste...” — Jay Shetty [17:17]
  • “If I could encourage someone to drink less, then that's great...I went on my own little journey.” — Tom Holland [06:46]
• Memorable Moments:
  • Both Jay and Tom reflect on their former party-loving personas, opening up about social anxiety and the pressure to drink.
  • Tom’s realization about the real impact of alcohol, aided by tracking his sleep patterns, marked a turning point.

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2. The Mamba Mentality and Mastery with Kobe Bryant

• Segment Start: [19:26]
• Core Theme: Excellence through discipline, emotional awareness, and consistent effort.
• Key Insights:
  • Kobe Bryant discusses “the Mamba mentality,” dissecting how greatness is built from discipline, obsession, and showing up each day.
  • Emotions must be acknowledged—not suppressed—so one can act with clarity rather than fear.
  • Results aren’t the focus; rather, constant curiosity and iteration lead to actual growth.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “Emotions come and go. The important thing is to accept them all... then you can choose to do with them what you want versus being controlled by emotion.” — Kobe Bryant [19:28]
  • “The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters.” — Kobe Bryant [22:18]
  • “Every day is just constant improvement, constant curiosity, constantly getting better.” — Kobe Bryant [21:50]
• Memorable Moments:
  • Jay and Kobe break down the fear of failure, emphasizing unpacking emotions to move past superficial anxieties.
  • Kobe’s reflections on his upbringing, self-imposed development timelines, and patience in catching up to more physically-gifted peers.

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3. Self-Knowledge & Wholeness in Love with Emma Watson

• Segment Start: [27:57]
• Core Theme: Building relationships from a state of wholeness rather than need.
• Key Insights:
  • Emma Watson shares her evolution from seeking relationships out of uncertainty to choosing them from self-understanding and peace.
  • She poses and answers some of life’s hardest questions: “Are you really happy?” “Are you living your values?”
  • The courage to leave things that look good outwardly but don’t feel right inwardly is celebrated.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “You want to be with someone because you want them, not because you need them.” — Emma Watson [29:56]
  • “Can you live with your truth? Can you accept the fact that for most other people, your truth is pretty confusing and unpalatable?” — Emma Watson [33:20]
  • “If you don't know what your baseline happy is, then...you've got no idea of knowing what's going on at all.” — Emma Watson [31:08]
• Memorable Moments:
  • Emma’s candid discussion about walking away from what the world sees as a dream life.
  • Jay’s vow to his wife — if love fades, to please tell him, rather than stay incomplete out of duty.

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4. Spirituality as the Compass of Success with Madonna

• Segment Start: [35:24]
• Core Theme: Finding fulfillment beyond ambition through spiritual grounding.
• Key Insights:
  • Madonna discloses that ritual and spiritual practice sustained her through fame and personal challenges.
  • Her path weaved through yoga, Sanskrit study, and eventually Kabbalah, with study and intention becoming anchors.
  • Spirituality doesn’t preclude ambition—instead, it’s a necessary counterpart to lasting fulfillment.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “Success is having a spiritual life, period...You need to be spiritual to be successful.” — Madonna [44:46]
  • “I had everything that people would assume would give you happiness...But I wasn't happy.” — Madonna [35:55]
  • “I just kept going and here I am today. But motherhood or being a parent is really what made me start asking questions...” — Madonna [41:53]
• Memorable Moments:
  • Madonna retells the story of finding Kabbalah while pregnant and needing guidance for her future child.
  • The juxtaposition of public confidence and private search for inner meaning.

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5. Mature Love Through Communication and Repair with Benny Blanco & Selena Gomez

• Segment Start: [49:32]
• Core Theme: Relationships thrive not on perfection, but on honest communication and mutual respect.
• Key Insights:
  • Benny and Selena model how couples can handle conflict: taking space, owning feelings, and returning without blame.
  • Validation, physical affection, and respect for each other’s independence strengthen the bond.
  • Both partners bring past lessons into the relationship, using experience to shape a supportive connection.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “We are so cheesy. It's so fun...when she comes back from her day and she tells me what she did...I see the enthusiasm...inspires me.” — Benny Blanco [50:47]
  • “I could never picture myself disrespecting him...I think...I've learned a lot of lessons and I’ve made mistakes and...I just want this to be right.” — Selena Gomez (attributed through Riley Keough) [55:04]
  • “Love is less about avoiding conflict and more about how you navigate it...listening before fixing and validating feelings instead of winning the argument.” — Jay Shetty [61:02]
• Memorable Moments:
  • Benny describes how “guiding the missile, not adding a jetpack” is his approach to handling heated moments.
  • Jay provides a practical tip: “Do you want me to listen, do you want me to fix this, or do you just want me to go through it with you?” [60:06]

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6. Presence, Loss, and Family with President Joe Biden

• Segment Start: [61:50]
• Core Theme: The power of showing up and the healing capacity of family and community in grief.
• Key Insights:
  • President Biden reflects on how loss and loneliness are mitigated not by words but by simple acts of presence.
  • Drawing from personal tragedy, he credits family support for his resilience.
  • Availability, daily contact, and the priority of “just showing up” are portrayed as the deepest forms of love and support.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “Sometimes it's just...just touching, just showing up. It just really matters.” — Joe Biden [61:50]
  • “Family is the beginning, middle, and end...no matter what they were doing, they stopped and heard listen to you.” — Joe Biden [65:22]
  • “I think knowing that someone's going to be there for you just to listen, just to...hug you.” — Joe Biden [66:57]
• Memorable Moments:
  • The story of President Biden’s family moving in with him after his wife’s death.
  • Jay and Biden’s mutual recognition that the real gift is just not letting loved ones go through pain alone.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “By the time I had got to June 1, I was the happiest I've ever been in my life…” — Tom Holland [06:08]
• “Emotions come and go...accept them all...then you can choose to do with them what you want…” — Kobe Bryant [19:28]
• “You want to be with someone because you want them, not because you need them.” — Emma Watson [29:56]
• “Success is having a spiritual life, period.” — Madonna [44:46]
• “We are so cheesy. It's so fun...we're inspiring each other...” — Benny Blanco [50:47]
• “Sometimes it's just...just touching, just showing up. It just really matters.” — Joe Biden [61:50]

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Lesson Highlights & Takeaways

• Sobriety is a personal journey—find replacements for old habits and strong support systems.
• Greatness comes from diligence, consistency, and emotional honesty—not just talent.
• True love and fulfillment are born from self-knowledge and living your deepest values.
• Spiritual practice is key to sustaining resilience and finding purpose, even amid ambition.
• Healthy relationships embrace differences, communicate boundaries, and repair after conflict.
• Presence and support—being there for one another—are the foundation of emotional healing.

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Flow & Tone

Jay Shetty presents the episode with humility and gratitude, employing a storytelling style that honors his guests’ vulnerability and wisdom. The tone is warm, collaborative, and deeply reflective—reminding listeners of their shared humanity and the collective journey toward healing and growth.

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Further Listening

Jay closes by encouraging listeners to check out his episode with Michelle Obama on relationship endurance and growth, continuing the theme of introspection and connection.

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This episode stands as both a celebration and a heartfelt offering—an invitation to carry wisdom forward on the ongoing journey “On Purpose.”

Transcript

[Madonna]

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[Kobe Bryant]

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[Jay Shetty]

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[Ed Helms]

The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.

[Jay Shetty]

The one, the only Jay Shetty. I remember this one really well because I was in France. I flew to London to take a flight to the US and then flew back to London to interview Tom, all within 24 hours. When I spoke with Tom Holland, he shared something deeply personal. His decision to quit drinking. In a world that celebrates alcohol, he stepped away to protect his mental and emotional health. And he's not alone. Surveys show more young people are choosing sobriety than ever before, with many saying they feel healthier and more present. Here's Tom on how that choice changed his life. One of the things that you mentioned recently was that you gave up drinking about a year and a half ago.

[Tom Holland]

Yes.

[Jay Shetty]

And you said it was the hardest thing you ever did. Yes. And I wanted to know what was so hard about it for you. Why was it so hard?

[Tom Holland]

It's interesting. I didn't one day wake up and say, I'm giving up drinking. I just, like many Brits, had had a very, very boozy December, Christmas time. I was on vacation, I was drinking a lot and I've always been able to drink a lot. I think I get my genes from my mum's side in that thing. I can. I can drink. And I decided to just give up for January. I just wanted to do dry January and. And all I could think about was having a drink. It's all I could think about. I was waking up thinking about it. I was checking the clock, when's it? 12. And it just really scared me. I just was like, wow, maybe, maybe I have a little bit of an alcohol thing. So I sort of decided to punish myself and say, I'll do February as well. I'll do two months off. If I can do two months off, then I can prove to myself that I don't have a problem. Two months go by and I was still really struggling. I felt like I couldn't be social. I felt like I couldn't go to the pub and have a lime soda. I couldn't go out for dinner. I was really, really struggling. And I started to really worry that maybe I had an alcohol problem. So I decided that I would wait until my birthday, which is June 1st. I said to myself, if I can do six months without alcohol, then I can prove to myself that I don't have a problem.

[Riley Keough]

If.

[Tom Holland]

And by the time I had got to June 1, I was the happiest I've ever been in my life, I could sleep better, I could handle problems better. Things that would go wrong on set, that would normally set me off, I could take in my stride. I had so much, such better mental clarity. I felt healthier, I felt fitter. And I just sort of said to myself, like, why, why am I enslaved to this drink? Why am I so obsessed by the idea of having this drink? And I would look back and recognize that I would go to event for work and I can't enjoy myself until I've had a few beers. And I just felt so much pressure. And this is one of the things why I've sort of distanced myself from the rugby community because so much of it is about, how much can you drink? Let's get you as drunk as possible. And it's honestly been the best thing I've ever done. I'm a year and a half into it now. It doesn't even cross my mind. I found amazing replacements that I think are fantastic ones that are also really healthy. I found this one beer that it's full of electrolytes and it's, you know, the carbohydrates in it are long lasting energy. So like having a beer is now actually like a really healthy thing. I'm really lucky that all my friends are super supportive about it. I've never run into that scenario where my friends are like, oh, go on, just have a beer, like, you're fine. They've always sort of really supported me and I don't want to be that person that's saying to people, you should get sober, you should get sober. If I could encourage someone to drink less, then that's great. But I, I don't want to start getting into the world of, you need to stop drinking. Because I just, it's, it's not for me to say. I went on my own little journey. I'm really enjoying it. I'm delighted that my mum's almost has also given up. She's loving it and it's been amazing. I can't believe the difference that I feel from not drinking. Yeah, I feel amazing.

[Jay Shetty]

That's amazing, man. I love hearing that and I love hearing that. It's been great for you, right? I think, yeah, that's the point. Not everything has to be like, look what I did, you can do it too. It's kind of like, no, this is just what's been great for me. Do you think it was partly that attitude for you, at least in the beginning where it's like, well, I can drink, I drink a lot it comes from my mum genes and it doesn't affect me. And then all of a sudden you realize, well, wait a minute, it's more than that, because I think there is that. Like, I was like that as a young man as well. Like, for me it was, it was easy to drink. I didn't drink daily. For me, I drank a lot more socially.

[Tom Holland]

Sure.

[Jay Shetty]

And I love playing drinking games with my mates. Yeah, that's what I enjoyed the most, probably. And for me, when I quit, I could just quickly see how it just got me into doing things I would never do if I wasn't drunk. So for sure, for me it was more that. But yeah, I wonder for you, did you find that there's a really fine line between, like, I know I can drink a lot and then all of a sudden you're kind of addict, not addicted beyond that.

[Tom Holland]

No, addicted, mate, I'm happy to say. Like, I was definitely addicted to alcohol. Not shying away from that at all. I think anyone that wakes up and has not wakes up, anyone that has a beer every day is probably got a little bit of a problem. But yeah, you're right. I would drink and drink and drink and drink and then you would just reach that moment where you're like, wow, I shouldn't have had that last beer. And you wake up the next day and you have a terrible headache and you're suffering. I bought one of those rings that will tell you about your sleep.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, Aura ring.

[Tom Holland]

Ye. And it was amazing because I couldn't sleep. I was like, why can't I sleep? I'm working 14 hours a day, I'm doing two hours in the gym, I'm eating really healthily and I can't sleep. What's wrong with me? I bought this ring and it was booze. It just, it was completely affecting my sleep. And since I've given it up, I can sleep anywhere. You know, it's also interesting as well, going on nights out and having a great time as the sober person and then getting to that point in the night where people start, you know, spitting in your ear and everyone's, I love you, man. I love you so much. And you're like, yeah, brilliant. I love you too. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm going to bed. I love being that person now. I love seeing my friends on the golf course at 8am in the morning, feeling fresh and ready to go and they're sort of crawling out their car and so, yeah, so I'm over the moon to be sober. I love it.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. For anyone who is listening right now is going, tom, I love that for you. I want to do it, too. Like, they're listening, going, I'm having too much every day. I can notice some of those things, but I'm just stuck. And it's hard because we know that addiction's that way. We know that this is heavy. It's not easy. But if someone is watching going, tom, tell me, like, what. What did you do to even get started? How did you have that courage to say, I'm going to do January, I'm going to stick at it? Were there any moments where you actually fell back and then had to get back on the horse again? Like, just walk us through that a little bit more. For anyone who is watching going, tom, mate, I want to be in your position in, like, six months.

[Tom Holland]

I didn't fall back on it. I have done in the past. I've had periods of my life where I'd given up drinking and then gone back to drinking. But this time, I don't know, it was just different. I really worked to sort of change my mindset. I really asked myself, like, why do you drink? Why are you drinking? And a lot of the time my answer would be to feel more comfortable in the social environment.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Tom Holland]

And I just put myself in those environments and just would force myself to be there. I'd force myself to hang out and. And go to a club or go to a bar, go to a dinner.

[Ed Helms]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

So we weren't avoiding those places.

[Tom Holland]

I was at the beginning because I didn't feel like I could go and not have a drink because of the stress of it. But then after a while, I sort of was like, mate, you got to pull your socks up here. And you can't just live in your house all the time. You've got to go out and enjoy yourself and. And if you're only enjoying yourself because you're drinking, then you really do have a problem. But I just changed my mindset. I just. I found really good replacements. Things that I could sort of attribute to having a beer I often found with me. Most of it is just the ritual of cracking something open and sharing it with friends and drinking it, whether it's sparkling water or a beer. I now can't. I don't associate. Like, I don't see a difference.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Tom Holland]

But I think it's different for everyone. I had a great support system. Jack is one of my best mates and we travel all over the world. He doesn't drink. And doing it with him was. Was a really helpful Experience for me. My brother is always on the road with me. He was very supportive. And, yeah, I just really set my mind to it. I was, I really want to do this. I want to prove to myself I can do it.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Tom Holland]

And then once I'd felt the health benefits and started really feeling like my full self.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Tom Holland]

It's like, oh, my God, this is. This is the best. But do you not drink?

[Jay Shetty]

I haven't drank for 17 years.

[Tom Holland]

No way. Congratulations. That's amazing.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, it's incredible.

[Tom Holland]

Wow.

[Jay Shetty]

It's like one of the best feelings in the world. And it's my biggest, like, worry when I was about to quit was like, how am I gonna hang out with my mates?

[Tom Holland]

That was my biggest worry.

[Jay Shetty]

I was like. My mates knew me as the guy who was like, first to the game, last to get out. That was me, you know, the clown when I got drunk, like, life of the party, kind of like that kind of guy. And then all of a sudden, I decided I wasn't gonna drink anymore. I was like, crap, am I going to fit in? And then I remember I went into the corporate world for a bit and I didn't drink. And I was like, God, am I going to miss out on opportunities and networking? Like, you know, all the guys afterwards are, like, going to get drinks and I'm like, I'll come, but I'll have a water or I'll have a soda, whatever it is. And what was really interesting for me is not relying on drinking made me rely on qualities and skills I had.

[Kobe Bryant]

Sure.

[Jay Shetty]

That were actually better. Yeah. So now that I couldn't drink as an excuse to hang with the lads, I was bringing out parts of my personality that I probably would have just hidden away. Yeah. Suppressed. And all of a sudden you were actually getting respected and liked for who you were rather than the person who you were when you were drunk. Sure. And actually that worked in the workplace. And there was no one at the workplace going, rj doesn't drink, so he's not getting promoted.

[Tom Holland]

Right.

[Jay Shetty]

It wasn't like that. People were like, oh, yeah, I really like hanging out with Jay, or he's a really good guy, or whatever it may be. And I was still getting the same opportunities and I was still getting promoted at work and whatever it was. And I think that's why I'd like to remind people that don't feel like your career or your work is going to suffer, even for you. Like, you've. I'm sure as a. You know, with your career path, you have to be at Parties. You have to be at events, of course. And the fact that you're able to do that now without having alcohol and you don't, it doesn't sound like it's negatively impacting your career. If anything, it's the opposite, mate.

[Tom Holland]

I honestly cannot believe, like, the amount of times I've sat down with an actor that I really admired or sat down with a producer or director and been like, oh, you know, well, I don't drink anymore. And they go, I don't drink 10 years. And you're like, oh, my God. And I've had so many insightful conversations with people like yourself where you've heard their story, their reason for giving up. And there is a wonderful community of people. And I love it. I love being a part of that community. I'm really proud to be a part of it. I hope that, you know, I can meet other people and chat to them about it because it's really nice. It's lovely to be like, let's go get a lime soda together, you know?

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, let's get a juice. Let's get smoothie. Yeah, yeah. No, it is true. It's true. And it's really interesting because they. I can't remember. I'm trying to remember. There was this blog that came out years ago, I can't even remember it now. And there was this girl on Instagram who was getting a lot of likes and a lot of comments and a lot of attention. And one day she just disappeared. Like, she stopped posting. And everyone's just like, all the comments were like, where are you? What happened? Are you okay? Like, what happened to you? You know, everyone was frantic trying to figure out what happened to her because they loved her, they were following her and all the rest of it. And what they didn't know is that it was built by a team that was trying to show that. What people didn't notice is that in every picture she posted, she was drinking. And it was a made up. It was almost like original AI that was made up to prove the point that you can love someone and you can think you're really close to them and you could think their lifestyle looks amazing, but actually they've got a drink in every picture they post. And you didn't realize they had an alcohol problem. So there was no real person who died. But the point was that this, your friends could be struggling even when they're posting these beautiful lifestyle pictures. But are you aware?

[Tom Holland]

Wow.

[Jay Shetty]

And are you conscious of how much it affects you? And I can't. Can't Remember who built that?

[Tom Holland]

Well, I think that's one of the problems with alcohol is that if you came out with alcohol right now, if alcohol wasn't a thing and you. I've invented this drink that is going to make you either really happy or really aggressive or really stupid. And we're going to just sell it to the masses. People be like, nah mate, keep your funky juice. Like, we don't want that. That sounds terrible. And it's one of those things because it is so socially acceptable that the addiction side of it, the bad sides of it really do fly under the radar.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Tom Holland]

And that's really interesting. I'll tell you something I do love about being a non drinker. I love being the designated driver. I love being that person that makes sure that everyone gets home. I don't know, I just, I like being a dependable person. I think I'm quite dependable and I really like that, that thing. And I saw this crazy YouTube video once, this was years ago of a guy that went to a bar, he got drunk and he drove home and he crashed his car. And I don't know if this is real, it could have been fake, but it's really impactful. Basically what his friend had done was set up the room as if he had been in a coma for like 10 years. And his friend wakes up hours after the crash and his friend is there and he had all like old makeup on to make him look older. And now I'm thinking about it, there's no way this could have been real because how would they have been able to pull that off? But he basically is saying to him, like, you've been asleep for 10 years, everyone's missed you. Like we can't believe you're awake. This is amazing. And it shows like how a stupid decision like driving drunk can affect the future of your life. So I do love being the designated driver. That is something I enjoy seeing my friends have a good time being like, don't worry, Tom will take.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, I, I used to love being the designated driver until I realized that an ex girlfriend just had me do that because I was the one who didn't.

[Tom Holland]

Yeah, right.

[Jay Shetty]

That wasn't a fun designated driver. Yeah. But I've always been that guy since because. So I lived as a monk for three years.

[Tom Holland]

Yeah, amazing.

[Jay Shetty]

And when I came back after that, obviously I never went back to drinking alcohol and everything and so. But I went back into the workplace and I remember everyone would always open up to me and give me advice, but it's what you're saying when someone was drunk, they tell me their whole life story.

[Ed Helms]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

Next day, they'd wake up and go, jay, you'd actually remember what I said. I remember. They're like, please don't tell anyone. You know, I love that part where I was like, I was able to be there for people, just hear their stories 100%. And someone that had context the next day, because if they told someone else who was drunk, you'd both not remember, then it'd be gone.

[Ed Helms]

No.

[Jay Shetty]

I think the benefits that you've just pointed out of good sleep, good health, great mental clarity, they're huge. But there's a couple of things I want to point out for everyone who's listening, just as takeaways, because Tom makes it so seamless. When you're talking about it, it's really beautiful as well. But one of the things you mentioned was finding alternatives. And during my monk life, we always talked about how there was. There was something that we called the higher taste. And it was saying, you can never give up a lower taste unless you add a higher taste.

[Kobe Bryant]

Sure.

[Jay Shetty]

And so there has to be a switch. There has to be a replacement.

[Tom Holland]

Has to be a replacement.

[Jay Shetty]

And the fact that you found alternatives, I think that's half the battle.

[Tom Holland]

Sure.

[Jay Shetty]

Because most of us are trying to take something out of our lives, and then you're just trying to fill it.

[Tom Holland]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

And then you have to go back to what you had before, because you're not finding a replacement. So that was beautiful. And the second thing you said, which I loved, which was having this conversation and dialogue with other people. Someone who's one year ahead of you, someone who's 10 years ahead, someone who's 20 years ahead, who's gone through that process, and they're open and honest and vulnerable about, well, you know, I did have a weak moment, or, you know what? This was really tough for me. And I think having those communities where you can talk about these things makes a massive difference. So if anyone's struggling, I hope that those two things can kind of, you know, give you the support you need. Tom's honesty reminds us of a key takeaway. That strength doesn't come from fitting in, but for making the choices that protect your peace, whether it's alcohol, overworking, or any habit that no longer serves you. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is to let it go. One of the most inspiring conversations I've ever had and that I'm deeply grateful for, was with the legendary late Kobe Bryant. I got to interview Kobe Bryant just a Few months before his tragic passing with his daughter, Kobe described his mindset for excellence, what he often called the Mamba mentality. It wasn't about talent alone. It was about obsession, discipline, and showing up every single day. Psychologists studying mastery of skills have found that consistent, deliberate practice is the strongest predictor of peak performance. Talent is valuable but without consistency, something Kobe embodied in every area of his life. It's rarely enough. Let's take a look. How have you been able to, in your life, see past the cloud of emotion, to actually execute on things? Because I think what we were speaking about earlier, this challenge that young people have today, everyone has today, of just so much information, so much cloud of emotions, so many feelings, so much childhood baggage that you're bringing, like how have you always cut through that and executed on that?

[Kobe Bryant]

You know, what I try to do is just try to be still and understand that things come and go, emotions come and go. The important thing is to accept them all, to embrace them all, and then you can choose to do with them what you want versus being controlled by emotion. You know, a lot of times I've seen players, even myself, you know, when I was younger, being consumed by a particular fear. And to the point where you're saying, okay, no, it's not good to feel fear. I shouldn't be nervous in this situation. Like, not, it does nothing but grow, versus stepping back and saying, yeah, I am nervous about this situation. Yeah, I am fearful about this situation. Well, what am I afraid of? And then you kind of unpack it, and then it gives you ability to look at it for really what it is, which is nothing more than your imagination running its course, you know?

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I love that. Because what you're saying is that when you're dealing with something, it's almost like, how can I get to the root of it?

[Joe Biden]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

Because sometimes what we're dealing with, like you're saying it's an imagination illusion. It's not really.

[Kobe Bryant]

It's not, it's not really a thing. You know, like you think about game winning shots and, or game winning free throws, and people go to the free throw line and they're nervous about it. Well, what are you really nervous about? If you unpack that? Okay, you're nervous that you're going to miss the shot. All right, so you missed a shot, then what happens? People are going to be embarrassed. You're going to be embarrassed because thousands of people, millions of people see you missed a shot. All right, and then what? People want to talk bad about you. Okay, right and so you're looking at it and go, are those things even important? You know what I mean? If that, that is my fear. Like what is you worried about letting your teammates down? Okay. Have you let them down before? Well, I'm sure in practice and things of that nature.

[Joe Biden]

Right.

[Kobe Bryant]

They're still there.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Kobe Bryant]

You know, and so when you're able to unpack it, you kind of look at it for what it is, which is really nothing.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, I love that. Breaking it down, I think that's so important. I think everyone who's listening or watching right now, next time you're facing of fear, next time you're going against something, do that, like literally unpack it. Don't just settle for your first answer because the first answer is rarely the right one.

[Kobe Bryant]

Don't hide from it. You know, you gotta be able to look at it and you know, and deal with it head on.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, I love that, man. And you talk about that because you talk about, you know, when you talk about missing five throws and you talk about getting over yourself. Yeah, right. Like getting over yourself. How did you get that mentality of just being like, I need to get over this, like I need to get over myself.

[Kobe Bryant]

You know, trial and error, you know, you grow up and you make game winning shots and it's awesome. You come back the next day and miss a game winning shot and it's misery. And then the next day comes and you're back playing again and you understand that life has this cyclical nature where it's, you know, what you do on Monday, it's fantastic. But then Tuesday is a bad day, but guess what, there's Wednesday. So are we just supposed to live our lives like this the whole time, you know, versus just staying like this and understanding that it's really just a journey of evolution. Every day is just constant improvement, constant curiosity, constantly getting better. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. And we all get obsessed about the results.

[Joe Biden]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

Like we get obsessed about like the output.

[Madonna]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

Not the input of not figuring it out and not like changing things. What you said trial and error, like the experimenting.

[Kobe Bryant]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

We forget to do that.

[Kobe Bryant]

It's unfortunate, man. Like I've seen a lot of players, especially now, you know, in youth basketball, dealing with that. You have players that are like bigger and faster and stronger and their coaches are just coaching them for results. We're just going to use your size because you're bigger than every other 12 year old out there to dominate today. But they're not Growing. So they're just based on that result, but they're not focused on growing this young child into becoming a better athlete and through that, teaching them how to become a more well rounded person. And we're missing that.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, see what you've said that just. I want to ask you this, and I'm not saying because I, you know, like, you know yourself best and you know how you've got there. So I'm asking it from a place of humility, of learning. When I look at you, I'm like, you know, your superpower isn't just your work ethic. Your superpower isn't just like figuring things out. Your superpower is like you think strategically. Like that's a very strategic thought of saying this person could be this in the future if they were developed as a whole individual rather than just like, let's use them for the short term.

[Kobe Bryant]

Right.

[Jay Shetty]

Where did you develop that from? That ability to see beyond, to think deeper, to, to reflect deeper. Where did that come from?

[Kobe Bryant]

Well, I had to do that because, you know, I grew up, growing up in Italy. When I first moved over there, it was, you know, I didn't speak Italian, I didn't have any friends. You know, I had the game of basketball and through sport and playing soccer, I was able to make friends and build connections. But it was a lot of time spent alone and. And when I came back to the States, I wasn't the most athletic kid. You know, I was really scrawny, like really, really skinny and had like major knee issues. Cause I was growing. So I was the dorky kid with high socks and big old knee pads.

[Jay Shetty]

It's fashionable now.

[Kobe Bryant]

It's fashionable now. It wasn't then. It wasn't then. And so I had to look long term because in the here and now, I couldn't compete with these kids. I mean, there's kids that were like 12 years old with beards.

[Jay Shetty]

Like, I can't.

[Kobe Bryant]

What am I supposed to do with that? Like they're doing windmills and dunking backwards and I'm happy to like tap the backbone, you know. So I had to look at it from a long term because I wasn't going to give up on the game, right? So I had to say, okay, this year I'm going to get better at that next year this. And then so forth and so on. And then patiently I was able to catch them.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. Kobe taught us that greatness isn't an accident. It's built through discipline, consistency, and the willingness to go further than most are willing to go. His words and wisdom live on as a challenge to bring our best to whatever we love.

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[Madonna]

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[Madonna]

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[Madonna]

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[Jay Shetty]

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[Jay Shetty]

When Emma Watson called me to be on the show, I was thrilled. One insight in our sit down out of the many that she said that stood out was her view on building relationships from wholeness, not need. In her younger years she might have chosen from uncertainty but now she seeks love from peace and, and self knowledge. She also spoke about asking the hardest questions. Am I really happy? Am I aligned with my values? Questions that push us beyond appearances and towards truth. One of the hardest questions you talked about asking answer asking yourself difficult questions and I want to ask you something about that but one thing I've said to my wife is if you ever fall out of love with me, please tell me because I don't want to live a day without love. I'm really confident about the fact that I'm worthy of love and, and that I want to experience love in my life. If you ever fall out of me, just tell me it's okay because I don't have the desire to stay somewhere for any other reason. And it sounds risky saying that an extreme but to me it's a greater risk to have spent 10 extra years with someone and then they tell me I haven't really loved you for the last five, 10 years. And then I'm like wait a minute, I've lived Without love for 10 years of my life and I don't want to be in that place because I've seen people go through that and not be happy. And so it does come with a humility and a openness to have very difficult conversations and not to force something that, oh, it's been going great for 12 years. It has to, it should do, it must do. And it's like, well maybe no, like yes, if it does, it's great and it is right now. But why should right now be a prediction for how you feel in 15 years with everything else that's going to change?

[Emma Watson]

I think if I knew I really couldn't meet the needs of someone and they couldn't meet my needs, if I really couldn't make them happy and they couldn't make me happy, like forcing them to stay in that situation, surely that like makes love impossible, like negates. So I, I totally get what you're saying. And my mum said this thing to me which was like, you want to be with someone because you want them, not because you need them. And I think maybe another reason why I didn't get married younger is because I think maybe I would have married someone not knowing who I was and I would have needed them maybe not wanted them. And I think now I have a life that's whole and complete as it is, and I would be making a choice from a place of, I just want you and I don't need you, but I just want you and I don't. I don't think I was that woman five years ago.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, I love that. And, and, and there's so much, so much to be said for attracting from a place of peace, because you know what peace feels like. And so then anyone or anything that.

[Emma Watson]

Comes into your life and what feeling satisfied feels like.

[Jay Shetty]

Satisfied is probably even a better word. And that feeling of, I know what it feels like to be satisfied, and so I now know whether someone makes me more satisfied or less.

[Emma Watson]

I know what my baseline is. If you don't know what your baseline happy is, then how do you. You've got no idea of knowing what's going on at all.

[Jay Shetty]

And that's not a feeling of being complete or having it all figured out. It's like, I know what. Satisfied is a great word. It's like, I know what it feels like to be at peace with myself or satisfied with myself. And now everyone can show me.

[Madonna]

Yes.

[Jay Shetty]

Where that pendulum swings.

[Emma Watson]

Yes.

[Jay Shetty]

One thing you said, which I. Which really resonated with me is that you've had to ask yourself so many hard questions to do the work. And I wanted to ask you what. What's one of the hardest questions you've ever had to ask yourself, if you could recall?

[Emma Watson]

Well, the first one that comes to mind, and then maybe I'll dig for a deeper or different one, is like, to have to admit to myself or ask myself the question of, like, you right now have the career and the life that, like, looks like the dream. But are you really happy, Emma? Are you really healthy? Are you really happy? Like, is this really what you want? And to be at that point and like, realize and have to admit to myself that I wasn't and I didn't was one of the scariest things I've ever had to do because, you know, I basically had to ask myself on a daily basis. Like, I felt like I was crazy. And walking away from something without knowing what you're walking towards was not having the answers, but leaving something that was that the world considered to be such. Of such high value, such a high value kind of moment in my professional life and career. I think that was a real sitting with. That was a real moment of reckoning, of, like, can you tell yourself the truth? Can you live with your truth? Can you accept the fact that for most other people, your truth is pretty confusing and unpalatable. That was definitely a hard moment of sitting more recently, because I've been being my own partner, asking myself, are you really living your values, things that you preach? Are you actually aligned and actually looking at some spaces in my life where I was like, shit, no, not at all. I'm actually not doing what I talk about. And I need to create some sort of urgency or a deadline for that so that I make sure that I'm a person of integrity. I purport to be someone that cares about the world and about the planet and sustainability. And, you know, there are some things I was doing. Was it enough by my own standards? Not by anyone else's, just by my own? Probably not. But what's nice is, is I actually have the time now to be like, okay, what are you gonna do about it?

[Jay Shetty]

Like, get on with it.

[Ed Helms]

And like.

[Jay Shetty]

But those. Those are. Thank you for those. Those are great questions. Really, really great questions. Emma's bravery and honesty reminds us that real love begins with knowing yourself. When you are complete on your own, you can choose someone because you want them, not because you need them. And just as importantly, fulfillment comes from having the courage to ask hard questions, to walk away from what looks good on the outside if it doesn't feel right on the inside, and to realign your life with your deepest values. Now, it's a given that Madonna is a cultural icon, but what struck me most wasn't her ambition or longevity. It was her devotion to spirituality. Even at the height of fame, to success, she felt a void. And what sustained her wasn't the limelight, but the rituals that gave her peace and purpose. From yoga and Sanskrit study to Kabbalah, spirituality became the compass she realized she needed for herself and for her daughter. What are your spiritual practices and rituals that have been so supportive and emblematic of your journey that have kept you going at the times, as you said, there were so many times you could give up or things could go wrong, or you kept pushing and they kept you locked. What were they? What are they?

[Madonna]

Well, one really important thing is studying, Making time every week to sit down and study. I mean, you can study the Bible, you can study the poetry of Cahill Gibran, or you can study the Vedas.

[Jay Shetty]

And you did that, right? You actually studied different traditions on your.

[Madonna]

I mean, to be honest, before I discovered Kabbalah, I was looking for answers.

[Jay Shetty]

And why do you think that was? Why were you looking for answers?

[Madonna]

Because I had everything that people would assume would Give you happiness. I had successful career. I had fame, fortune, monetary things, physical things. But I wasn't happy. And I naturally sought out. Well, when I was a dancer, I had a roommate. She was a Buddhist, and she was. Would get up and chant every day. And so I was very intrigued by that. Like, nothing bothered her. You know what I mean? Everything bothers me. Everything bothers me. I'm, you know, I'm a Leo, I'm Italian. I'm very dramatic. I wouldn't say she was peaceful all the time, but I was just struck by her confidence and her knowingness that everything was happening for a reason. She never got upset about things. And this is in the beginning of my career when I was living in New York and I was broke and a lot of crazy things happened to me. Really scary, traumatic things. And I would always ask her. Her name is Marianne. I would always say, what? Like, why are you, like, never upset? So I attributed that to her spiritual life, but it didn't speak to me. And then later on, I started practicing yoga, Ashtanga yoga. And my teacher, Eddie Stern, he still has a love.

[Jay Shetty]

Eddie. He's. You know Eddie. Yeah, I do.

[Joe Biden]

Yeah.

[Madonna]

Yeah, he's amazing. I got quite caught up in and competitive about, like, first series, second series, third series. But one thing I noticed is that a lot of people would come into his practice, his studio where he taught, and they wouldn't even do the poses. They would just go and sit in front of the statue of Ganesh or light candles or prayer. And I realized. And Eddie pointed it out to me. Cause sometimes I would have injuries or I would be traveling and I couldn't practice yoga. And he'd say, look, are you breathing? And I'd say, yes. And he said, you're practicing yoga. So I realized that I was too still too caught up in the physical poses. He's like, no, you don't understand. You're missing the whole point. The poses are just something that you do to breathe through, to calm your nervous system down and to bring you back to your center. And that really spoke to me. There was a big. No, it was a painting on the wall of the yoga studio. It says, desire and detachment. And I said, what does that mean? And he said, well, of course we want all the beautiful things in life. We want all the pleasures. We want all the happiness. We want it all. There's nothing wrong with that. But you can't be attached to it. Because then if you're attached to it and you don't have it, what's going to happen to you. So I studied that for a while, and I studied Sanskrit. I had a teacher. And, you know, I learned that the vibrations of the letters, you know, had a calming effect on your nervous system and centered you and placed you firmly rooted in the earth. And all of that made sense to me. But then again, nothing happens by accident. But I was pregnant with my daughter Lola, my oldest daughter, and I suddenly realized I was living in la. I suddenly realized I'm going to be responsible for another human being. What am I going to teach her? I'm just. I'm like a meteor, like, making my way through the.

[Kobe Bryant]

You know, the.

[Madonna]

On this planet. Like, you know, I have great survival instincts. I have a great work ethic. Yes, I'm very ambitious, all of those things, but I was never, like. I was just knocking them down, you.

[Riley Keough]

Know what I mean?

[Madonna]

And not, like, looking back, like, I'm going to be somebody, because that's, you know, that's why I came to New York in the first place. I will never go back to the nobody life I had when I was a child growing up. So I definitely was fueled by an inner drive, but I would not say that I was spiritual or conscious. When I was pregnant, I suddenly realized I knew nothing and I was a slave or a victim of other people's opinions of me. And I didn't have really. Even though it looks like. And looks like I was confident, brave, audacious, whatever, you know, I. Deep down inside, it was not. So I was at a dinner party.

[Jay Shetty]

While you were pregnant?

[Madonna]

Yeah, I was at a dinner party at my friend's in la, and there was a woman sitting next to me, and I knew her vaguely. She's a costume designer. She was a costume designer. Her husband's a director. And she said, oh, you should come with me to class. And I said, what class? I'm open to classes, by the way. I love being a student. So what's the class all about? She said, there's a teacher there. It's something called Kabbalah. It's next to a synagogue. And I was like, wait, so he's Jewish? And she said, yeah, but it doesn't have anything to do with being Jewish. It's just a belief system. Not a belief system, like a philosophy about life that, you know, you could learn a lot from. And I said, okay, I'll go. So I did. And that's how I met my teacher. And I literally would sit in the back of class for years. Mostly men were in the class at the time, but everything that he said seemed to make so much sense to me and gave me courage to be who I am and who I'm meant to be and made me actually think about intention and a real sense of purpose. Because my sense of purpose can't just be I want to be rich and famous or I want to be popular or I want to sell a lot of records because none of that lasts. But it wasn't until I went to class that I actually started thinking about those things. So I just kept going and here I am today. But you know, motherhood or being a parent is really what made me start asking questions that I most likely I should have asked them sooner, but I didn't because I was just caught up in my self.

[Jay Shetty]

I love that story for so many reasons. One of them being that my journey to my spirituality had certain similarities in that not that I was pregnant, so definitely not that one. But I had a friend and friends who were starting to get interested in spirituality and they invited me to hear a monk speak. And I'd seen monks while I was growing up, but I'd never really engaged with one or really understood what they did or meant. And I'm so glad I said yes to going along. And I was very young, I was 18, 19 years old. I wasn't even seeking. I was open and I was curious.

[Madonna]

Right.

[Jay Shetty]

And to be honest, I was doing what everyone else was doing at that time when you were 18, 19 year old kid, like experimenting. Experimenting and doing everything else under the sun. But I'm so glad I went because now looking back, I find that after meeting the monks that I met, it gave my life a compass at a very early age that I'm so grateful for because it changed the entire trajectory of my life. I can't imagine what I would have ended up doing in the same way as you did. And it sounds traumatic, but it's true that without the group of friends that invited me to go along and meet my teachers who'd become my future teachers, I can't imagine what life could be like.

[Madonna]

And are those teachers still your teachers?

[Jay Shetty]

Yes, absolutely still, since that time. So it's been nearly 20 years now.

[Madonna]

That's meaningful.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, very meaningful.

[Madonna]

And are your friends that came with you still also studying or one of those?

[Jay Shetty]

One of those, yes, absolutely. One of those friends was my best man at my wedding and he studies under the same teachers to this day.

[Riley Keough]

That's cool.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Madonna]

What about the woman who took me to class?

[Riley Keough]

No.

[Jay Shetty]

Okay.

[Madonna]

No, she doesn't stick with it.

[Jay Shetty]

Are you still in touch with her at all or not?

[Madonna]

Yes, I am sometimes.

[Riley Keough]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

It's amazing to hear that you had this ambition and this drive.

[Madonna]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

To become successful. And at the same time there was this spiritual calling.

[Madonna]

Yes.

[Jay Shetty]

That was almost happening simultaneously. How did you reconcile the two? When to the external eye they could look very opposite? How did you actually see them look?

[Madonna]

Weird.

[Jay Shetty]

You mean not weird in the sense of. I think a lot of people assume that spirituality and success don't go together. A lot of people would think that's absurd.

[Madonna]

Those are narrow minded people. I mean, you need to be spiritual to be successful. Success is having a spiritual life, period. It's interesting because I had this boyfriend some time ago and after we broke up we saw each other years later and I was telling him about Cabal. He's like, oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense because you grew up as a Catholic. I know how religious your mother was. And I was like, no, no, that's not what it is at all. It's got nothing to do with religion. Everybody has to find the path that speaks to them and resonates with them. But I do think it's important to have one. And I dare say if you didn't have a spiritual path, you wouldn't be as successful as you are today. I will make that assumption in your work, in your marriage, in your friendships, all your relationships. It honestly, it sounds like a really, like a cliche. Your spiritual life even the reason, but it's just got a bad rap. You know, you like 100% can have a spiritual life and be successful. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have one.

[Jay Shetty]

Madonna's story is a reminder that success without inner grounding can feel empty. True resilience isn't fueled by ambition alone. It comes from a deeper sense of purpose and doing the internal work to find fulfillment. She demonstrates the takeaway that spirituality isn't separate from success. It's the foundation.

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[Ed Helms]

Hey everyone, Ed Helms here and hi, I'm Kal Penn and we're the hosts of Irsay, the Audible and I Heart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast I am sitting down with Jenny Garth, host of the iHeart podcast. I choose me to discuss the new Audible adaptation of the timeless Jane Austen classic Pride and Prejudice. This is not a trick question. There's no wrong answer.

[Jay Shetty]

What role would I play?

[Advertisement Voice]

You know what? I can see you as Mr. Darcy. You got a little Colin Firth.

[Ed Helms]

Okay, that's really sweet, I appreciate that.

[Jay Shetty]

But are you sure I'm not the dad?

[Ed Helms]

I'm not Mr. Bennett here. Listen to Earsay the Audible and iHeart.

[Jay Shetty]

Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or.

[Ed Helms]

Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Jay Shetty]

When Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez sat down with me, it was evident that their love wasn't just playful, it was mature. They shared how they handle conflict, take space and return to one another with honesty and respect. Research shows lasting couples aren't those who never argue, but those who keep respect and practice repair. Real love isn't perfection, it's creating a safe space through communication and Trust.

[Ed Helms]

Sometimes she'll say, this is so funny.

[Riley Keough]

Oh, boy.

[Jay Shetty]

No, no, no.

[Ed Helms]

She'll do this, and it's really cool. She'll go, I'm feeling a little irritated, and I think I need, like, 25 minutes. And I'll say, okay. And then I give her her space. And then after, like, five minutes, she texts me. She's like, hey, will you come back? But it's knowing that, and we have the proper boundaries set with each other. Like, I don't have to be on top of her every second. She doesn't have to be on top of me every second we're together. I just want to know she's in the house so I can say, like, hey, I love you, and then go back to what I'm doing. You know what I mean? Cause, look, we're both highly independent people, okay? But we're both little mushes who just need to be attached.

[Riley Keough]

Yeah. We are so cheesy. It's so fun.

[Ed Helms]

Yeah. But it's like. But I feel like. I think it helps us, too, that we're both, you know, on my list, a thing was, I wanted someone to be driven and inspired by something. I didn't care if they made any money or anything. I just wanted someone to be so into something that they did every day. And when she comes back from her day and she tells me what she did, I'm like, I'm not sitting there. Like, yeah. Like, when you're talking to your mom. You know when you're talking to your mom and you just say, your mom just keeps talking, you go, yeah. Huh? Yeah. Like, she comes back and, like, my eyes light up because I see the enthusiasm. I see what she did, and I'm like, inspires me. And I'm like, I got to do more in this. And it's like, we're in this place where we're inspiring each other, and we're so inspired by what the other person's doing. And she'll help me out. She'll be like, well, what if you did it like this, this, and this? And I'm like. And then she'll say something, and I'll be like, well, why don't you handle the situation? Because we have such different personalities that are also the same, but we're the thing that one of us is really good at, the other one maybe lacks a little bit and vice versa. And it's so cool to be able to, like, workshop, like, little conversations or how to handle a situation and it. And I just feel so comfortable with her. Like, that I can say anything, and she won't ever say, I don't know.

[Jay Shetty]

I love the maturity. I mean, hearing you both talk about it.

[Madonna]

Yes.

[Riley Keough]

But let's be clear. We are not the perfect.

[Ed Helms]

No, no.

[Jay Shetty]

Perfect. You're disagreeing. No, no, no. But I think the maturity of. And I agree with you. I think. I think that's actually the difference. And I'm glad you brought that up. I think there's a big difference between maturity and perfection. Perfection is saying, we never have a disagreement. We never have to take space from each other. Which you're not saying. You're saying, hey, I just asked for 25 space. And then I was like, wait a minute, I need you. And I think there's a maturity in that, because it requires maturity from both parts. For you to first say, hey, I need space. For you to say, I get it. I respect you. And then for you to have the maturity to say, actually, I want you back. And for you to be like, not like, oh, I told you so. For you to be like, I'm here for you. Like, that's not perfection to me. That's maturity. And I think that's. I really want people to get that from it. That you are gonna have disagreements. You are gonna want space. Like, me and Riley went through that.

[Riley Keough]

She.

[Jay Shetty]

At the beginning of our relationship, if we had a disagreement and we were the same, we never. We made a rule that we would never raise our voices at each other because I came from a home where it was not great. She comes from a home where her parents don't raise their voices. But I was just like, I never wanted that in my home. I wanted the energy of my home to be so sacred. And I wanted the energy of the home to always have a space where everyone just walked in and felt like a warm hug. And I was like, we can't argue and then expect that to happen. But it took a long time for us to realize that when she. At the start of our disagreements, she wanted space. And I used to say to her, well, if you don't want to talk about it right now, that means you don't care about me.

[Madonna]

Me.

[Jay Shetty]

And that wasn't true. She just needed space to process. So it took time for us to mature for me to realize, wait a minute. You wanting space is you caring for the relationship.

[Ed Helms]

Some people. I get it. They want to talk about it right Then they want to. The one thing that also works for us so much is, like, we're not chill people. But we're, like, not. We're never going to get. I, like, I'm not going to yell at anyone in my life.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, same.

[Tom Holland]

Yeah.

[Ed Helms]

And, you know, I came from a home where a lot of that was happening, and I saw, like, at a young age, and I was just like. Well, like, my parents weren't speaking the same language. Obviously, they were speaking the actual same language. They weren't speaking the same language to each other to communicate. And if someone comes at you, like, hostile right away, the first thing I'm gonna do and I know she's gonna do is shut down. So you're not getting anything. You know, And I always say this. Guys are so quick to, like, they got to win. They got to win the argument. And it's like, what are you doing? What are you winning? Like, you're going to argue with your wife and, like, make her cry. And then you're like, I won that argument. And then she hates you and resents you. Like, wait, like, don't be an idiot.

[Riley Keough]

And it's like, I only been guilty, though, to start.

[Ed Helms]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Riley Keough]

I just had a view. Sorry. I think for me, I necessarily felt like in other situations of mine, it was. I was very reactive. I think that's why I was alone for five years, because I really needed to collect myself. I think in the past, that's why I say to him all the time, and 10 years ago, it's not that I wouldn't have wanted to be with you. I just wouldn't have been in the right headspace. And I don't think that you deserve what I had gone through before. So I've learned a lot of lessons and I've made mistakes and. And I just want this to be right. So for me, that was a lesson that I had to learn because I think girls can equally want to be right. That, for me, it was really difficult in the past. And he's made it unbelievably easy to the point where. If I even get to the point where I'm so frustrated, he's, like, very quick to understand. I hear you. Like, you're allowed to feel that. And that helped me shift where my mind used to go, which was a little bit of anger. So.

[Jay Shetty]

So it was the validation of how you felt in those reactive moments that allowed you to not be reactive. What was it that allowed you? Because I feel like, as Benny was saying earlier, you carry this baggage from all of our relationships into this one.

[Riley Keough]

I respect Benny because he's done nothing but respect me. I, again, trust him. I can Tell him anything, even if it's about something that's uncomfortable. And maybe you should just talk to your girlfriends. Like, he is that. And that helps calm me down to say, okay, so I'm going through these things because of maybe what I had before. Whatever it is, nothing is ever bad. Like, nothing in my life I regret. And I'm so grateful, so happy for my journey, and I'll continue to be. It is a lesson that you have to be patient and learn. And I just. I could never picture myself disrespecting him. I think. Well, it's.

[Ed Helms]

It's also just a different thing because it's like, look, none of us are perfect. Like, she gets spicy sometimes. And when I see something happening, it's about guiding the missile, not adding a jet pack on top of it with a. With like, machine gun artillery. Like, I want to make. If I see her getting to a place where I'm like, man, in five minutes from now, this room could explode. I'm never gonna let it get to that five minutes from now. I'm gonna say, what are all the tools that I know that work for her that I've learned over. Like, I'm not gonna exacerbate a situation. I'm gonna try to calm it down. Cause why do I wanna be in that position where we're both just, like, upset about something? I don't wanna just calm it down and tell her what she wants to hear. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying, like, to your partner, be like, yes, you're right.

[Jay Shetty]

You're totally right. Like, everything.

[Ed Helms]

You know, I think you listen and you say, like, okay, like, sometimes I even. I'll say, like, let's not let it get there. Let's, like, just talk about this. And I do think physical touch is always, like, a very big way. Like, if you're in a conversation with your partner, like, it's like sometimes just, like, a hand helps, or just holding their hand while you're telling them or giving them a hug while you're telling them and someone's upset, let them talk it out out first. And then after they talk it out, be like, okay, well, here's what I think, you know, and. And you can work through these things together. Such an easy way.

[Riley Keough]

Very constructive.

[Ed Helms]

It's not always easy, I can tell you that. And sometimes we just. Someone wants to be frustrated. And it's like, sometimes she'll tell me that. She'll just be like, I know it's gonna be okay, but, like, I just want to Be frustrated in this moment.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Ed Helms]

And. And I'll have to redirect because I'll be like, you know what? You have every right to be in this moment. And she'll say, this is why. She said, this is why I want to be frustrated in this moment. She said it the other day about something I can't even remember. And I was just like, oh, my God. I was like, yeah. I was like, that makes so much sense. I was like, I don't agree with the frustration. We'll get there afterwards. And I was like, but I get it. I get it. And it's so cool. And I've never quite had a relationship, like, with her. And we're the furthest thing from perfect in the world. We're perfect for each other. We're not perfect for everyone else. But I think the thing that's cool is that we've had all these experiences. I've had all my experiences where it wasn't right. And I'm like, oh, okay, I'm gonna change that the next time, you know, with this person or with that person. And I think that's when you really grow, is when you take all your experiences, good or bad. Like, I. I'm like her. I take every experience in my life. My past partners, my family, my everything. It's like everything happened for a reason. And I'm not going to sit here and mope about, like, things that could be better or different. What I'm going to do is I'm going to say, okay, I learned this and now I'm going to put it into practice.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. Yeah. You know, for me, I always. I always said to Radhe, I always say to my wife, do you want me to listen? Do you want me to fix this? Or do you just want me to go through it with you? Yeah, because a lot of times clear for me, because they don't want you to fix it right away.

[Ed Helms]

And I'm not saying. I'm saying men or women, sometimes it's not about fixing. You know, everyone is. You know, I'm such a problem solver and you are too. So it's like your first thing. I know the first thing in your head is like, how can I fix this situation? But sometimes it's not about fixing it right there. Sometimes it's about just like, you know, especially for women who are, like, strong, like both our partners, they don't have a lot of time to be vulnerable in all the areas of their life. They have the world on their backs. Your wife has. There's so many people that rely on her. There's so many people that rely on her. So sometimes they just want to complain about something. And that's okay. That's okay?

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. Yeah, it's okay. Who else are they going to do it to?

[Ed Helms]

They might as well do it. And you just listen.

[Jay Shetty]

What Benny and Selena show us is that love is less about avoiding conflict and more about how you navigate it. Taking space without abandoning each other, listening before fixing and validating feelings instead of winning the argument. That's what creates trust, respect and growth. Their story is proof that lasting love isn't built on perfection. It's built on continuing to choose each other. And finally, President Biden. It was the honor of a lifetime to be invited to the White House to interview a sitting president. When I sat with President Biden, our conversation turned to loneliness, grief, and the role of family. He reflected on how small gestures of presence, a call, a visit, simply showing up can ease the anxiety many young people face today.

[Joe Biden]

Think of all the young people today. I think that there's more anxiety and loneliness today than there's been in a long, long time. You know, my friend I appointed Admiral McMurthy, he was telling me about, you know, the percentage of young people today who are feeling lonely, alone. And sometimes it's just. Just touching, just showing up. I used to get my deceased son, Beau, who should be sitting here instead of me, would always say, dad, you don't have time to make that call. You know, I'd get in a plane and go home and because someone had a serious problem, lost a wife, a daughter, and I. And I. And he said, dad, you don't have time. When he passed away, the hundreds of people told me how he called. He showed up. He was there. And because there are people who showed up for me, too, it just really matters.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, you've been through. You mentioned it there. You've been through so much tragic loss in your life. As you just mentioned there, you didn't run for presidency in 2016. Shortly after the loss of your son, you've lost your. Your first wife and daughter in a horrific accident. I can't even begin to understand how someone has the courage to process that much loss and grief, let alone move forward in the way you have. It's truly admirable. How did you begin?

[Joe Biden]

I had an overwhelming advantage in loss, and that was. I had a really close family that was there, for example, when my wife and daughter were killed. My first wife and my two boys were very badly injured. A tractor trailer broadsided Them I was not in the accident. When I got home from the hospital, my sister and husband already gave up their apartment and moved in. Helped me raise my kid, my brother. We lived in a suburban area. It was more country than suburban. And there was a little barn on a garage barn. My. My brother came and he turned the loft of the barn into an apartment for himself. They were there for me all the time. That was a gigantic difference. My best friend in my life and my sister and my brothers. And so I had an enormous advantage. And I think that when you see people who are going through something tough, it does matter if you reach out. I mean, it does matter. Like, for example, you know, you have a. When you're a senator. For all the years I was in a small state, you know, so many people. And people would pass away. You'd show up at the wake or the funeral. No matter what was happening. I learned it early on. People would stop and just come and throw their arms around me, because if they know, you know, the pain they feel, they get some solace in it. It's not always easy, but it just matters just to. Just to reach out, let people know you see them.

[Jay Shetty]

How did you allow yourself to receive that help, too? I feel like, as you were mentioning earlier, with the loneliness and anxiety that exists, a lot of people either struggle to know what to say. I think we live in a society where people are like, but what do I say if they've gone through that? And the opposite end, what you just said, being able to be open enough to actually receive help requires a certain amount of courage and strength as well.

[Joe Biden]

Well, I was raised in a family for real, an extended family, my grandparents as well. Where my dad had an expression. Family is the beginning, middle and end. There's a rule in the family growing up, not a joke. We didn't notice the time. But whenever you wanted to speak to your mother or father, I mean, he said, can we. He had a problem. No matter what they were doing, they stopped. No matter what they were doing, they stopped and heard listen to you. And I did the same with my children, and they do the same with theirs because it's a. It's a matter of them knowing that you. They are the most important thing in your life. If they got a problem, you're there to listen. And I have seven grandkids, four of them, all five of them old enough to talk on the phone, you know, every day. I either text them or call them. And as a matter of fact, during the campaign, they were having a. I didn't realize they're having an interview. The four oldest grandchildren, they said, and just at the time, and they said, they call me Pop. Pop calls us every day or text us every day. And I called. The phone rang while they're in the well, I, I give my word, I had no idea they're in there. But it's a look. I, I just think being there is, is important and it makes such a difference. I think knowing that someone's going to be there for you just to listen, just to, just to hold you, just to hug you.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. After his own losses, he shared how family and community carried him through. Research confirms it. Social support is one of the strongest predictors of resilience in the face of trauma. What the President reminds us is that helping doesn't require perfect words or solutions. It can simply require presence. To reach out when someone is struggling, to show up, when it would be easier to stay away and to listen fully so the people we love know they matter. Because sometimes the greatest gift we can give is simply not letting someone go through it alone. These conversations are just a glimpse of what this community has built together. Over 5 million subscribers on purpose has always been about learning and growing together. Thank you for being a part of this community, for listening, watching, and carrying these lessons into your own lives. I'm so incredibly grateful and I can't wait for the next 5 million. Thank you. If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens up on how to stay with your partner when they're changing and the four check ins you should be doing in your relationship. We also talk about how to deal with relationships when they're under stress. If you're going through something right now with your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode for you.

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[Jay Shetty]

They'll just be thumbing through this stuff.

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[Jay Shetty]

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[Ed Helms]

I'm Ed Helms.

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[Ed Helms]

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[Jay Shetty]

The holidays are overwhelming, but I'm tackling.

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[Jay Shetty]

I used it to get this portable spa with jets. Now the bubbles can cling to my sculpted but pruny body. Make the most of your money this holiday with PayPal.

[Ed Helms]

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[Jay Shetty]

See paypal.com promoterms Points can be redeemed for cash and more. Paying for subject to terms and approval.

[Ed Helms]

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[Kobe Bryant]

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[Riley Keough]

All.

[Kobe Bryant]

This is that classic HBCU vibe. Non stop back action. The band is rocking and the crowd lit. Chance echo drum beat everybody showing that school pride. Game like this. Yeah, it calls for an ice cold Coca Cola. Ah, crisp and refreshing. That's a game changer right there. Yeah, that taste always hits the right note. Just like the band at halftime. And just like that, we're back at it. Ashley Michigan fans, school colors everywhere and.

[Jay Shetty]

In ice cold Coca Cola.

[Kobe Bryant]

That's a winning combo no matter the sport, no matter the yard. Everybody knows fan work is thirsty work. So grab a Coca Cola and keep that HBCU pride going.

[Madonna]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.