← On Purpose with Jay Shetty
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
If You Feel Uncomfortable In New Social Situations, Listen to This (7 Science-Backed Shifts That Make Conversations Feel Easy)
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Go to bioptimise r-.com purpose and use code purpose15 that's bioptimizers.com purpose promo code for 15% off purpose15 navigating social media and tech with teens can feel tricky, but if you feel they're ready, there are tools to help. Instagram teen accounts come with automatic protections by default. Things like content settings, contact limits and daily time limits, or sleep mode to help teens build healthy habits. Teens under 16 need a parent's permission to adjust these settings. Instagram keeps adding features to make experiences more age appropriate and supportive for families. Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com teenaccounts if you have social anxiety, watch this. Let me describe a moment you know far too well. You walk into a room, a party, a networking event, a work event, a friend's birthday where you only know one person. And that person is is nowhere to be found. And within three seconds. Three seconds, your body does something you didn't ask it to. Your chest tightens. Your hands don't know where to go. You reach for your phone not because anyone texted you, but because holding it gives you a job, a role, a reason to not be the person standing alone with nothing to do and nowhere to look. Believe me, I've done it too. You scan the room. Everyone seems to already be in a conversation, having a great time. Everyone seems to already know each other. Everyone seems comfortable. And you feel like the only person in the building who didn't get the manual on how to be a human In a room full of other humans. So you do what most people do. You hover near the food table. You pretend to be very interested in the playlist. You maybe grab a drink. You wait. You hope. You silently beg for someone, anyone to come rescue you from the invisible prison of standing there alone. And here's the part nobody says out loud. It's not that you don't know how to talk to people. You've talked to people your entire life. You're fine one on one. You're fine with your friends. You can be funny, warm, interesting. But something about walking into a room full of strangers flips a switch in your brain that turns you into a completely different person. A smaller person, a quieter person. A person who suddenly can't remember what they even like to talk about. I want you to know something. That experience is not a personality flaw. It's not introversion. It's not social anxiety in most cases, it's biology. It's your nervous system running a very old, very powerful program that was designed to keep you alive. And it's firing in a situation where your life is not actually in danger. By the end of this video, I'm going to break down exactly what's happening in your brain and body when you walk into that room. And. And then I'm going to give you seven simple shifts. Not tricks, not manipulation, not power poses in the bathroom. Seven evidence based shifts that fundamentally change your experience of social settings. Shifts that make people want to come to you, talk to you and share with you. Not because you performed confidence, but because you understand something about human connection that most people will go their entire lives and without ever learning. Here's why your brain betrays you in a room full of strangers. Let's start with what's actually happening when you walk into that room and your body starts doing things you didn't ask for. Your brain has a structure called the amygdala. You've probably heard of it. It's your threat detection center. It's ancient, it's fast, and it doesn't care about context. It cares about survival. For the vast majority of human history, walking into a group of unfamiliar humans with was genuinely dangerous. You didn't know their intentions. You didn't know the hierarchy. You didn't know if you'd be accepted or attacked. So your amygdala evolved a very simple protocol. When you encounter a group of strangers, assume threat until proven otherwise. Flood the body with cortisol and adrenaline. Increase heart rate, tighten muscles, narrow focus. Prepare to fight, flee, or freeze. That Freeze response is what's actually happening when you walk into a party and suddenly can't think or have anything to say. Your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that handles language, creativity, humor and social fluency, gets partially shut down when your amygdala is in threat mode. Dr. Amy Arnsten Yale School of Medicine has published extensive research showing that even moderate stress hormones in impair prefrontal function. You literally become less articulate, less creative, and less socially intelligent when you're anxious. So here's the irony. The moment you need your social skills the most, walking into a room full of strangers is the exact moment your brain takes those skills offline. But it goes deeper than your amygdala. Dr. Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA ran a groundbreaking study using using FMRI brain scanning where participants played a simple ball tossing game and were then excluded from the game by the other players. What she found changed how we understand social pain. The brain regions that activated during social exclusion were the same regions that activate during physical pain. Your brain processes social rejection using the same neural hardware it uses for a broken bone. This isn't metaphor, this is measurement. And it explains why walking into a room where you might not belong feels so viscerally awful. Your brain is treating the possibility of social exclusion as a physical threat. Because for our ancestors, it was. Being excluded from the group didn't hurt your feelings, it killed you. You couldn't survive alone on the savannah. Exile was a death sentence. So when you walk into that room and your body tightens up and your mind goes blank and your brain is not broken, it's doing exactly what it was designed to do. It's just doing it in a context where the threat isn't real. Does that make sense now? How do we work with this biology instead of against it? Shift number one, Arrive with an intention, not an expectation. Here's what most people do before they walk into a social setting. They set an expectation. I'm going to meet some cool people tonight. This is going to be the worst night ever. No one's going to talk to me. I'm going to make a good impression. I don't know if I'll connect with anyone. And those expectations, if they're positive, feel motivating for about 11 seconds until you walk in and the room doesn't cooperate with your plan. Nobody approaches you. The first conversation is awkward. The confident version of you doesn't show up on cue. Now you've failed. Not actually, but in your brain's accounting system, you set a target and missed it. And the moment your brain registers that gap between expectation and reality, it releases a drop in dopamine that neuroscientists call a negative prediction error. Dr. Schultz research at Cambridge on dopamine signaling shows that when reality falls short of expectation, dopamine levels diploma below baseline. You don't just feel neutral, you feel worse than if you'd had no expectation at all. This is why just be confident is such catastrophically bad advice. It sets an expectation that when unmet, neurochemically punishes you. Here's what works instead. Replace the expectation with an intention. An intention is not a target, it's a direction. My intention tonight is to be genuinely curious about one person. My intention is to make someone feel noticed. My intention is to enjoy one real conversation. I have used this in countless events since I moved to America, since I moved to la. And I walk into these rooms and feel this way all the time. My intention has been to find one person to have a deep, meaningful, fun conversation with. And it has changed my experience. The difference is that intention can't fail. There's no gap between what you planned and what happened. Because the intention lives in your behavior, not in the outcome. Walk in with a direction, not a destination. Your brain stops scanning for failure and starts scanning for opportunities. Shift 2 Be the first to give safety There's a reason certain people are magnetic in social settings. And it's not what you think. It's not charisma, it's not attractiveness, it's not status. It's safety. Dr. Stephen Porges Polyvagal theory, one of the most important frameworks in modern neuroscience, explains that the human nervous system is constantly, unconsciously evaluating other people to through a process he calls neuroception. Before you say a single word to someone, before you even make eye contact, their nervous system has already made a judgment about you, safe or unsafe. And here's what determines that judgment. It's not your words. It's your physiology. Genuine eye contact, not staring, but warm, intermittent eye contact, signals safety. An authentic smile, one that engages the muscles around the eyes, signals safety. Open body language, uncrossed arms, visible palms. A relaxed posture signals safety. A regulated, calm nervous system signals safety to other nervous systems. Dr. Porges Research shows that humans co regulate your nervous system state is literally contagious. When you approach someone and your body is tense, your breathing is shallow, and your eyes are darting around the room, their nervous system picks up on that tension and mirrors it. They feel uncomfortable around you and they don't know why. But when you Approach someone in a state of genuine calm, regulated breathing, relaxed shoulders, easy eye contact. Their nervous system reads yours and down regulating response. They feel comfortable around you and they don't know why. This is why the advice to fake confidence backfires. People don't read your words. They read your nervous system. And you can't fake a regulated nervous system. What you can do is actually regulate it. Before you walk into any social setting, take 90 seconds. Breathe in for four counts and out for six. The extended exhale activates your vagus nerve, which shifts your autonomic nervous system from sympathetic activation fight or flight into parasympathetic mode. Rest and connect. This isn't a breathing exercise to calm your thoughts. It's a physiological intervention that changes what your body is broadcasting to every person in the room. The next time you feel socially anxious, remember this. You don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by being the safest nervous system in the room. You don't attract people by faking confidence. You attract people by being present fully without looking over their shoulder for someone better. You don't attract people by pretending to be confident. You attract people by making them feel like they don't have to be. You don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by listening like you actually care, not like you're waiting for your turn. You don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by being the first person all night who didn't make them feel like a transaction. You don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by being the person who made them feel interesting instead of trying to be interesting yourself. Foreign. Sponsored Jobs gets you quality candidates when you need them most. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. 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Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com JSTOP3 that's betterhelp.com JSTOP3. Shift 3 Stop trying to be interesting. Be interested. This single shift will change your social life more than anything else on this list. Most people walk into a room trying to be interesting, trying to have the right story. The clever comment, the impressive answer to your so what do you do? And the pressure of that performance is exactly what creates the anxiety, the self monitoring and the blank mind freeze we talked about earlier. Here's the science that should liberate you from that pressure forever. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology at Harvard Business School found that the single strongest predictor of being liked in a first conversation with was not how interesting, funny or impressive the person was. It was how many follow up questions they asked. Not just questions, follow up questions. Not trying to be funny, not trying to be smart, not trying to be clever or impressive. Questions that proved you were actually listening. People who asked more follow up questions were rated as significantly more likable but more competent and more attractive across every context tested. The researchers called this the question asking penalty in reverse. People consistently underestimate how much others enjoy being asked about themselves and the neuroscience explains why. When someone asks you a genuine question about your experience and then follows up with curiosity, your brain releases dopamine and and activates the medial prefrontal cortex, the same region associated with reward and self relevant processing. Dr. Jason Mitchell Harvard found that talking about yourself activates the brain's reward centers to a degree comparable to food and money. Not similar to comparable to when you ask someone a genuine question and then actually listen. Not listening while planning what you're going to say next, but actually listen and follow the thread. You're giving their brain a neurochemical reward. You become associated with that reward. They like you. Not because you performed, because you gave them something. Almost nobody gives them the feeling of being truly heard. The practical shift is this walk into every conversation with the goal of finding out one thing about this person that you didn't expect. Something that surprises you. This reframes the entire interaction from how do I come across to what can I discover? It takes the spotlight off you, which is where your anxiety lives and puts it on them, which is where connection lives. Stop trying to be the most interesting person in the room because nobody remembers the person who had the best story. They remember the person who made them feel heard. The person who asked one real question and then actually listened to the answer. Not listened while loading their next sentence, actually listened. You don't need better things to say. You need fewer things to say and more willingness to hear. The most magnetic person in any room is never the one talking. It's the one making someone else feel like the only person in it. Shift number four master the art of the first ten seconds here's an uncomfortable statistic. Research from Princeton psychologist Dr. Janine Wills and Dr. Alexander Todorov found that people form first impressions in one tenth of a second. 1/10. God, we're so judgmental. And subsequent research showed that impressions formed in longer time frames in even up to several minutes, didn't differ meaningfully from those snap judgments we made earlier. In other words, people decide what they think of you almost instantly and then spend the rest of the interaction looking for evidence that confirms what they already decided. Now, before, that makes you more anxious. I get it. Here's why. It should actually set you free. The impression isn't based on what you say. You can't say anything meaningful in a tenth of a second, by the way. Neither can I. None of us can. It's based on three things. Your facial expression, your body orientation, and your energy. So here's what the first 10 seconds could look like. Not a rehearsal line, not a clever opener. Three things. One, genuine eye contact before you speak, not after. Before. This signals presence. Two, a genuine smile, not a performance smile, but the kind where your eyes change. And three, orient your body fully toward them. Not sideways, not half turned, fully facing. This is a non verbal signal that in the language of evolutionary psychology, says, you have my complete attention, you are not a threat, and I'm not looking for someone better to talk to. Imagine someone did that to you. How many times have you talked to someone? And someone's looking all around. They're looking behind you. They're even looking at the screen up there. They're looking over at who just walked in. How does that make you feel? How about when someone's kind of turned away, you kind of feel like they don't want to be there. And neither do you. These three things take no social skill, no charisma, no clever words. And actually, what I love about them is they lead to real connection. You're not trying to walk out with the award for funniest person at the party. You're not trying to walk out with the medal for smartest person in the room. Hopefully you're trying to just connect with someone. Make a friend, make a new connection. And there's a beautiful piece of research from Dr. Arthur Aaron at Stony Brook University, the same researcher behind the famous 36 questions to fall in love study showing that sustained mutual eye contact between strangers significantly increases feelings of closeness and affection, even in the absence of conversation. Eye contact isn't a social nicety. It's a bonding mechanism. It triggers oxytocin release. It tells the other person's brain, you exist to me. Obviously, don't stare at them like a creep. I'm not recommending that shift. Five, use the power of proximity and positioning. This one is going to sound too simple. And then I'm going to give you the science and you're going to realize it's one of the most powerful social tools that exist. In the 1950s, social psychologists took Dr. Leon Festinger and Dr. Stanley Schachter and Dr. Kurt Back, studied friendship formation in a housing complex at mit. They wanted to know what predicted who became friends. Was it shared interests? Similar personalities? Compatible backgrounds? None of those. The single strongest predictor of friendship formation was physical proximity. People who lived closer to the stairwell. The meaning more people passed by their door had significantly more friends. People who lived next to each other were far more likely to become closer friends than people who lived even two doors apart. They called this the propinquity effect. Subsequent research has confirmed this over and over. Dr. Scott beach and Dr. Richard Moreland at the University of Pittsburgh ran a study where they had research assistants attend a large university class. Some attended 0 times, some attended 5 times, some attended 10 times, some attended 15. The assistants never spoke to anyone, never interacted, just showed up and sat there. At the end of the semester, students were shown photos and asked to rate these people on attractiveness, likability and similarity to themselves. The assistants who had attended more classes were rated as significantly more likable and attractive without ever having spoken a word. This is called the mere exposure effect. Your brain equates familiarity with safety. The more you see someone, the more your nervous system categorizes them as non threatening and the more positively you feel about them. So what does this mean? Practically? Stop hiding in the corner of the room. Stop positioning yourself at the edges. Right? You're standing there hoping that maybe one person passes and talks to you. Someone might have to see you seven times before you spark up a conversation. Place yourself in the flow path, near the entrance, near the drinks, near the place where people naturally congregate or pass through. You don't need to approach anyone. Just be visible, smile, make eye contact, be in the path of traffic. Make yourself easy to encounter. And if there's a setting you attend regularly, a gym, a coffee shop, a co working space, a class, the single most powerful social strategy is just showing up consistently. Not performing, not doing something big or memorable, just being there. The mere exposure effect will do the heavy lifting. People will feel like they know you before you've ever spoken. And then when the conversation eventually happens, and it will, it will feel easier. Not because you engineered it, but because their brain already decided you're familiar and safe. Stop trying to be memorable. Just be present again and again. Shift number six. I'm really glad you're still here because this one is huge and will make such a difference. Give people a role. This is one of the most overlooked and most powerful tools in human connection. And almost nobody ever talks about it. Someone walks into a social setting, they're dealing with the same thing you are, by the way. Uncertainty, ambiguity, feeling lonely. They don't know what to do. They don't know where they fit, they don't know what their role is. And ambiguity, neurologically is deeply uncomfortable. The brain craves coherence. Research on cognitive closure at the University of Maryland shows that human beings have a fundamental need to resolve uncertainty. We want to know where we stand, what's expected, and what part we play. When you give someone a role, you resolve that ambiguity for them. And the relief is so powerful that it creates an instant bond. This sounds abstract, so let me make it concrete. You walk into a party and you see someone standing alone. Instead of the generic, hey, how do you know the host? Which puts the entire burden of conversation on a stranger with no direction, Try this. I just got here and I don't know what I'm doing yet. You look like you've been here long enough to know what's good. What should I try first? You just gave them a role. They're your guide. They're the expert. They went from ambiguous stranger with no function to to helpful insider with a purpose. Watch how their posture changes. Watch how their face opens up. By the way, I was going to an event the other night, bumped into someone in the elevator and we started talking and my first question to them is like, hey, have you been to this event before? And they were like, yeah, yeah, I've been here. I've been to this location. I was like, do you know where we're going? They were like, I know exactly where we're going. I was like, great. You're going to save me so much time and energy. Had a great conversation. I didn't compliment them, I didn't flatter them in that interaction to start a conversation. I thanked them afterwards, of course. But we were able to give each other something much more valuable, a reason to be in this conversation. Dr. Adam Grant's research at Wharton on the psychology of giving shows that people experience measurable increases in well being, self efficacy and social bonding when they're in a position to help someone. Asking for a small recommendation, a small opinion, or a small piece of guidance and activates what Grant calls the helper's high, a neurochemical reward for being useful. So stop trying to impress People give them a small role. Ask for their recommendation, ask for their opinion, ask for their help. You're not being needy, you're giving them the thing. Every human being in an uncertain social setting is silently hoping for a sense of purpose in this interaction. And guess what? If they don't know any better, you now have something to laugh about. The fact that you're both at this place and have no clue. Shift number seven Leave before you're done. This last one is counterintuitive, and it will change how people think about you more than anything else. Most people stay in conversations too long, not because the conversation's great, but because they don't know how to leave without it being awkward. So they linger. The energy fades, the silences get longer. It's natural when you just met someone for the first time. The interaction dies slowly instead of ending well. And the memory the other person is left with is. Is not the interesting thing you said at the beginning. It's the uncomfortable stalling at the end. There's a well documented phenomenon in psychology called the peak end rule. Researched extensively by Nobel laureate Dr. Daniel Kahneman. It states that people judge an experience not by its entirety, but almost entirely by two moments. The most intense point and the final moment. That's it. People barely remember the beginning, the peak and the end. Everything in between fades. This means that a five minute conversation that ends on a high note is remembered more fondly than a 20 minute conversation that fizzles out. The length doesn't matter, the ending does. When you leave a conversation while it's still good, while there's still energy, still curiosity, still things unsaid, you become an unfinished loop in the other person's mind. And in yours. They think about you more, you think about them more. You think you want to get together again. You want to find a way to connect, not because you manipulated them, but because the experience ended at a peak and their brain hasn't closed the file yet and neither is yours. Here's how this looks practically. When the conversation hits a high point. A great laugh, an interesting insight, a genuine moment of connection. That's your cue to land the plane to say something like, I'm loving this conversation. I'm going to go say hi to a few other people, but I really hope we get to finish this later. Or I could talk about this all night, but I promised myself I'd go say hello to a few people, but I definitely want to come and find you later. You're still making sure that the other person you're grateful for their time. But you're also getting an opportunity to reconnect later with that joy. You've just done three things. You ended at the peak. You made them feel valued for their time and energy, and you left an open loop for you to reconnect. People don't remember the person who talked to them the longest. They remember the person who made them feel the best in the shortest amount of time and then had the self awareness to walk away while it was still good. That's not playing games. It's not trying to play hard to get. It's understanding how connection works and how to respect what you've just created with someone. Let me tell you what's really happening underneath all seven of these shifts. Because it's not seven separate strategies. It's one principle expressed seven different ways. The principle is this. The person who changes the room is never the person trying to get something from it. It's the person giving something to it. When you arrive with an intention instead of an expectation, you're giving yourself direction instead of demanding an outcome. None of this is manipulation. Manipulation is trying to extract something from someone. Everything I've described is about giving something first and trusting the connection to take care of itself. Social mastery isn't about what you project. It's about what you create in the other person. I want to go back to that moment at the beginning. You walking into the room, chest tight, phone in hand, scanning for an exit or a rescue. Now imagine walking into the same room with a different operating system. You've taken 90 seconds to regulate your breathing in the car. You've set an intention, not a performance target, just a direction. I'm going to find one person and make them feel like the most interesting person in this room. You position yourself near the natural flow of the room. You make eye contact with someone. You smile. Maybe you got to do it seven times. Your body's open, they walk over, or you say hi. Because it's a calm, approachable energy, a warm energy. You ask them a genuine question. You listen, you follow up. You give them a role. They give you a role. By the way, they can ask you questions too. And you've got to be willing to go there. You share a real moment, and then while it's still good, you say, I'm really glad I talked to you. I hope I see you again tonight. You walk away and then spend the next 30, 60 minutes doing other things and then hopefully reconnect with each other. Nothing about that required confidence, nothing required charisma, nothing required being the funniest or most impressive person in the room. It required understanding how human brains work, how nervous systems co regulate, how memory forms, how connection actually happens, but beneath the performance most people think it requires, you were never bad at talking to people. You were just never taught that the goal isn't to talk. If you loved this episode, you love my conversation with Simon Sinek, where we dive into the real key to create meaningful connection and influence beyond numbers or followers.
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Disney all of the characters are trained that when a little kid hugs you, you may not let go until the kid lets go first. You hug the kid as long as the kid wants to hug you.
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