Podcast Summary

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: Jay’s Must-Listens: Marriage Isn’t About Finding “The One” (5 Truths Every Couple Needs to Hear Before Marriage!)
Date: October 22, 2025
Host: Jay Shetty
Guests & Contributors: Jada Pinkett Smith, Saadia Khan, Laurie Gottlieb

Episode Overview

This special episode of "On Purpose with Jay Shetty" dives deep into the real foundations of marriage and long-term partnerships, challenging the myth of “finding the one.” Jay brings together insights and authentic conversations from relationship experts and public figures including Jada Pinkett Smith, Saadia Khan, and psychotherapist Laurie Gottlieb. The central theme is that lasting love is less about romance and perfect compatibility, and more about emotional resilience, honesty, deliberate growth, and authentic connection—even (and especially) in the face of challenge.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Redefining Marriage and Love

• Emotion Over Romance: Jay reframes the foundation of marriage—it's less about passion and chemistry, more about emotional resilience and communication.

  "Nearly half of all marriages in the US still end in divorce. The number one reason isn't a lack of love. It's a breakdown in trust and communication." – Jay Shetty [03:08]

• Marriage as an Ongoing Practice, Not a Finish Line:

  "You don't just arrive in marriage. It's not a finish line. You keep choosing each other over and over as you both grow and change..." – Jay Shetty [03:43]

Jada Pinkett Smith on Spiritual Evolution in Marriage

• Marriage as Growth:

  "Marriage is so much about growth, like really learning how to grow emotionally...we are defining it the way that works for us." – Jada Pinkett Smith [04:29]

• Finding Deeper Connection: Jada emphasizes the “mirror” dynamic between her and Will Smith, seeing each other’s best and worst, and the need for continual self-inventory.

  “I don’t think there’s any person that could embrace the best and the worst of me and be willing...to hold space in the way Will holds space for me, and the way I hold space for him.” – Jada Pinkett Smith [06:14]

• Letting Go of Fantasies: Both Jay and Jada agree that the romantic ideal often fades, but what's more freeing is finding authenticity and truth, even as the partnership gets messy and less “storybook.”

• Friendship over Fantasy: The value of friendship within marriage—the ability to reconnect on a deep, authentic level—is highlighted as sustaining through ups and downs.

  “When two people can have an agreement around divine love...now we’re onto something.” – Jada Pinkett Smith [13:56]

Adapting Traditions in Modern Relationships

• No Single Formula: Both Jay and Jada agree that every marriage needs its own agreements—what works for them may not work for others.

  “Marriage is not a cookie cut out like formula...besides, I do think that there’s some staples...but every partnership, two people have the right to figure that out for them.” – Jada Pinkett Smith [21:48]

• Jay’s Personal Experience: Jay shares how his own marriage with Radhi involves a lot of time apart by mutual agreement, challenging their communities’ norms.

  “We just found that having honest conversations between us and knowing why we were making certain decisions even though they were abnormal to our community, the community we grew up in, where the way we live is very abnormal...” – Jay Shetty [23:09]

2. Facing Betrayal, Infidelity, and Self-Control

Saadia Khan on Modern Infidelity Trends

• Men as Silent Victims:

  “More men are being cheated on than we realize, but most of them stay silent...they're more likely to internalize this shame and carry it forward.” – Jay Shetty recounting Saadia Khan [28:02] "My number one client is a man who's just been cheated on by a woman. And because there's not much talk about this on social media and in general, we're almost programmed to think men cheat." – Saadia Khan [29:29]

• Self-Control as the True Foundation:

  "If you don't look for a man with a lot of self control, you'll really suffer...his lack of self control will lead to a lack of self respect." – Saadia Khan [30:28]

• Danger of Hedonistic Messaging: Both Jay and Saadia warn about cultural messaging that encourages men to avoid discipline in favor of pleasure, to their long-term detriment.

  “We're actually being told to reduce our self control and replace it with hedonism...and that is a slow suicide for a man.” – Saadia Khan [32:10]

• Responsibility for Red Flags:

  "Most cheaters come with smoking guns on the first date...there's always some signal that their behavior was not transparent." – Saadia Khan [34:52]

• Radical Honesty: The antidote to betrayal is being attuned to your partner and refusing to ignore repeated red flags.

3. Building Trust Through Commitment and Communication

Laurie Gottlieb: The Necessity of Honest Conversations

• No Surprises:

  “The fact that people don’t talk about whether they want to get married before a proposal happens is insane to me.” – Laurie Gottlieb [43:12]

• Premarital Therapy is a Strength:

  “People say, ‘Oh, you’re in therapy and you’re not even married yet. Something must be terribly wrong.’ It’s like, no, something’s terribly right.” – Laurie Gottlieb [43:38]

• Vulnerability Outranks “Nagging”: Bringing up marriage, or family planning, directly is not "nagging," but a sign of relationship readiness.

• Children Don’t Fix Relationships:

  “If you are not solid, do not bring another person into this family.” – Laurie Gottlieb [47:35]

• Collaboration with In-Laws is Still a Couples Issue:

  “In law issues are couples issues...if your partner cannot talk to their parent on your behalf, that’s a couple’s issue.” – Laurie Gottlieb [50:06]

Supporting Emotional Growth in Partners

• Emotional Vocabulary Takes Practice:

  "For people who don't open up, they often only have those three primary emotions...so you can mirror that for them and model that when you talk about your feelings." – Laurie Gottlieb [56:35]

• Create Safe Space: The “language of emotion” is as foreign as speaking French, and partners need patience as each other learns this language of vulnerability.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 03:08 | Jay Shetty | "The number one reason isn't a lack of love. It's a breakdown in trust and communication." | | 04:29 | Jada Pinkett Smith | "Marriage is so much about growth, like really learning how to grow emotionally...we are defining it the way that works for us." | | 06:14 | Jada Pinkett Smith | "I don't think there's any person that could embrace the best and the worst of me and be willing...to hold space in the way Will holds space for me and the way I hold space for him." | | 12:36 | Jada Pinkett Smith | "...when two people can have an agreement around divine love...now we're onto something." | | 21:48 | Jada Pinkett Smith | "Marriage is not a cookie cut out like formula...every partnership, two people have the right to figure that out for them." | | 29:29 | Saadia Khan | "My number one client is a man who's just been cheated on by a woman. And because there's not much talk about this on social media and in general, we're almost programmed to think men cheat." | | 32:10 | Saadia Khan | "We're actually being told to reduce our self control and replace it with hedonism...and that is a slow suicide for a man." | | 34:52 | Saadia Khan | "Most cheaters come with smoking guns on the first date...there's always some signal that their behavior was not transparent." | | 43:12 | Laurie Gottlieb | "The fact that people don't talk about whether they want to get married before a proposal happens is insane to me." | | 43:38 | Laurie Gottlieb | "People say, 'Oh, you're in therapy and you're not even married yet. Something must be terribly wrong.' It's like, no, something's terribly right." | | 47:35 | Laurie Gottlieb | "If you are not solid, do not bring another person into this family." | | 50:06 | Laurie Gottlieb | "In law issues are couples issues...if your partner cannot talk to their parent on your behalf, that's a couple's issue." | | 56:35 | Laurie Gottlieb | "For people who don't open up, they often only have those three primary emotions...you can mirror that for them and model that when you talk about your feelings." |

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:00] – The real foundation of marriage: trust and communication.
• [04:29] – Jada Pinkett Smith on redefining marriage as an evolving partnership and spiritual bond.
• [12:36] – The power of friendship and “divine love” in marriage.
• [21:48] – Challenging traditional marriage and the importance of unique partnership agreements.
• [28:02] – Saadia Khan: Unspoken realities of infidelity, especially among men.
• [30:13] – Self-control as the cornerstone for marital trust (Saadia Khan).
• [34:52] – Why “being cheated on” can be partly our own responsibility.
• [43:12] – Laurie Gottlieb: Why every couple must talk honestly before proposals.
• [47:35] – The danger of having children to “fix” a relationship.
• [50:06] – Setting boundaries and dealing with in-laws.
• [55:32] – Building a safe emotional space for partners to open up.

Tone & Takeaways

• Candid and Compassionate: The tone throughout the episode is honest, emotional, and practical—dispelling myths while embracing vulnerability and real work.
• Growth-Centered: Marriage is presented not as a static achievement but an ever-deepening practice, requiring deliberate self-work and constant renegotiation.
• Applicable Wisdom: Listeners are left with tangible advice and reframes—about trust, self-discipline, honesty, boundary-setting, and the value of courageous conversations.

Final Reflection

Jay closes with an inspiring reminder:

"Love isn’t supposed to be easy and it doesn’t survive on perfection. It survives on truth.... Strong relationships aren't found, they're built." [59:01]

Whether you're partnered, single, healing, or growing, this episode reiterates: real, long-lasting love is about truth, adaptation, and deciding—again and again—to grow together.

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