← On Purpose with Jay Shetty
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Stop Saying Yes When You Want to Say No (Use This Simple Daily Practice to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)
00:25:03
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- [00:00]
Jay Shetty
This is the iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human
- [00:07]
State Farm/AT&T/Shopify Advertiser
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- [00:44]
Jay Shetty
Enjoy a roomy seat as we get you to your destination in pure peace and quiet. Plan your relaxed ride in the quiet car@amtrak.com amtrakt retrain travel you ever show up late to the game and your friend's already saved your seat, your drink, even a plate that's looking out, that's having your back. And that's exactly what ATT does with the ATT guarantee. They know staying connected matters, so they actually guarantee a network that comes through when it counts. AT&T is connectivity you can depend on, or they'll proactively make it right. Just like that friend who takes care of things before you even ask. AT&T connecting changes everything. Terms and conditions apply. Visit att.comguarantee for details. Peace is the most misrepresented thing in the world. We're sold it as an absence, an absence of noise, absence of conflict, the absence of difficulty. Like peace is what happens when everything hard goes away. Here's what nobody tells you. Peace is not the absence of the storm. Peace is the ability to stand in the middle of the storm and not be destroyed by it. And it is not found in a yurt. It is built deliberately, specifically, sometimes painfully, through a series of choices that most people are not making because nobody has ever laid them out. Honestly, here's what I actually want to talk about today. The peace that got taken from you. Not by one big dramatic event necessarily, though maybe that too, but by the accumulation of a thousand small surrenders. The family member you stopped confronting because it was easier not to. The friend group that slowly became an obligation instead of a joy. The job that asked for a little more of you every year until it was asking for all of you. The version of yourself you set aside so many times that you lost track of where you put it. Peace doesn't disappear all at once. It leaks slowly, consistently, through holes you stop noticing because you were too busy managing the water Level. Today we're going to find the holes, we're going to name them specifically. Not in a vague, set boundaries way, because I'm tired of that phrase being used as a substitute for actual instruction, but in a real, specific, research backed, emotionally honest way. Because reclaiming your peace is not a spa treatment. It might be, but it is actually one of the most important and most difficult projects of your adult life, and it deserves to be treated that way. I want to start with the hardest category first, because it's the one people are most reluctant to examine honestly. Other people. Specifically the people in your life who are costing you more than they're giving you.
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State Farm/AT&T/Shopify Advertiser
And before you stop listening or watching,
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Jay Shetty
because that sounds cold or disloyal, stay with me, because I'm not talking about cutting people off. I'm talking about something far more nuanced and far more important. Learning to see clearly what is actually happening in your relationships so that you can make conscious choices rather than being slowly, invisibly drained. There's a concept in social psychology called emotional labor, first articulated by sociologist Hochschild in her 1983 book the Managed Heart. Hochschild originally described it in the context of work, the labor of managing your own emotions in service of someone else's experience. But the concept has since expanded into something broader and more personal, the invisible work of managing, soothing, accommodating, and monitoring the emotional states of the people around you. And here's what I need you to hear about emotional labor in relationships. It is real work. It is exhausting. It depletes the same finite cognitive and emotional resources as any other form of labor. And it is almost always distributed unequally, with some people doing the vast majority of it, often without realizing it, often without the people they're doing it for even knowing it's happening. Think about who you manage in your life, not who you love, who you manage. Whose moods do you track before deciding what to say? Whose reaction do you pre simulate before making a decision? Whose feelings do you accommodate at the consistent expense of your own? Whose calls leave you needing to lie down afterward? That management is costing you something. And it's costing you peace. Now, let's talk about family, specifically, because family is where this gets the most complicated and the most culturally loaded. Almost every cultural tradition in the world places a premium on family loyalty, and there is genuine wisdom in that. But it has also been weaponized, sometimes unconsciously, sometimes very deliberately, to prevent people from ever examining whether a family relationship is is actually healthy. Their family is routinely used as a reason to Accept treatment from a relative that you would never accept from a friend, a colleague, or a stranger. The neuroscientist and author Dr. Daniel Siegel has written extensively about what he calls the family system, the invisible set of roles, rules and dynamics that develop in families over generations. And one of his most important findings is that the roles assigned to us in our family of origin, the peacekeeper, the responsible one, the scapegoat, the funny one, the difficult one, become so deeply embedded in our nervous systems that we enact them automatically, unconsciously, often for our entire lives, unless we deliberately examine them. You may have been the peacekeeper in your family, which means you learned very early that your job was to smooth conflict, absorb tension, and make sure everyone else was comfortable at the expense of your own discomfort. And you're probably still doing that somewhere. At family dinners, on group chats, in the phone calls you dread. But answer anyway, because not answering feels like a different kind of war. That role was not your choice. It was assigned. And you are allowed right now, today, to give it back. Giving back does not mean blowing up your family relationships. It means making the radical, quiet, incredibly difficult decision to stop managing other adults. To let people feel their own feelings without immediately rushing to fix them. To allow tension to exist in a room without taking personal responsibility for resolving it. To answer the question, how are you honestly? Rather than with the version of you that requires the least management from everyone else. Research by psychologist Harriet Lerner, specifically her groundbreaking work in the Dance of Anger, shows that the pattern of over functioning in families is almost always a self reinforcing loop. The more you manage, the more you're expected to manage, the more you absorb, the more there is to absorb. The only way to change the dynamic is, is to change your own behavior within it, which initially creates discomfort, sometimes conflict, and eventually, if you hold steady, a new equilibrium, it will feel terrible at first. Changing a role you've played for 30 years is so hard. Do it anyway. Now let's talk about friends. Because the friendship audit is something almost nobody does and almost everyone needs. The research on social connection is unambiguous. High quality relationships are one of the strongest predictors of longevity, mental health and well being. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest running study on human happiness in history spanning 80 years, found that the quality of your relationships at 50 predicted how healthy you'd be at 80. Not your cholesterol, your relationships. Quality, not quantity, not proximity, quality. Which means the friend you've had for 15 years who consistently makes you feel bad about yourself is not contributing to your longevity. The group chat that is 90% obligation and 10% actual joy is not protecting your health. The friendship that only exists because neither of you has had the courage to let it naturally end is not what the heart researchers were measuring when they found those results. You are allowed to let relationships evolve. You are allowed to let some friendships become acquaintances. You are allowed to be honest with yourself first about which of your relationships are genuinely nourishing and which ones are simply familiar. Familiar is not the same as good. Familiar is just old. Marcus Aurelius once said, the first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are. Look your relationships in the face. Know them for what they are, not what they used to be, not what you wish they were, what they actually are. Right now, in the lived reality of of your daily life, some of them are draining your peace. And knowing that clearly is the first step to doing something about it. Let me ask you something. When did you last have a thought that had nothing to do with work? Not during a meditation, not on a run with a podcast playing, not in the shower where three seconds of quiet immediately fills with tomorrow's to do list, an actual genuine, unoccupied thought that arose from your own interior life, not from a problem to be solved or a deadline to be met or a colleague's comment you're still processing. For a lot of people, that question produces a genuinely uncomfortable silence. Because work has colonized the mind. Not just the hours, the mind, the background processing, the free associative space, the mental real estate that used to belong to daydreaming and creative thought and genuine presence and just being a person who exists outside of their professional function. So let's talk about what you can actually do. The first thing, and this requires honesty that can be genuinely confronting, is to separate your identity from your productivity. For many people, particularly high achievers, particularly people who are praised growing up for performance rather than for being, work has become identity, not just a thing they do who they are. And when work is who you are, it any threat to your work performance feels existential. Any criticism feels like an attack on your personhood. Any failure feels like evidence that you're fundamentally not enough. The psychologist Carol Dweck, whose research on growth versus fixed mindset has become foundational in psychology and education, found that people who define their identity through performance outcomes rather than through effort and learning and process are not just less resilient, they are measurably more anxious, more afraid of challenge and less creative. Because when your identity depends on the outcome, you cannot afford to risk failure. And you cannot afford to stop working. Because stopping working feels like stopping being. Think about that for a second. If you cannot comfortably answer the question who are you? Without your job, not defensively, not with the list of other achievements, but genuinely and peacefully, then work has taken something from you that it was not entitled to. Your work is what you do, it is not who you are. When Radhi and I started Jooni, our sparkling tea brand, I quickly realized that building a business isn't just about big ideas. It's about the little things that make people actually want to buy. Come back and trust what you do. For us, Shopify has been the foundation. It's where we built our storefront, where people experience the brand and where we've been able to grow while truly owning that relationship with our customers. And something I've come to really appreciate is shop Pay. You've probably seen that purple button at checkout. It makes everything simple, one click fast, seamless. As a business owner, that means fewer abandoned carts. As a customer, it just feels easier. And that trust matters. As more people discover Joony, it's reassuring to know that the experience is smooth from start to finish because when the process feels effortless, people come back. If you've ever thought about starting a business, this is your sign. Get started@shopify.com Jay
- [14:12]
State Farm/AT&T/Shopify Advertiser
having the right people in your corner to support you is a great form of self care. Just like the friend who shows up to your housewarming party when you get that dream home, celebrates your big promotion or goes with you on a walk to clear your mind, State Farm is there to help you feel supported. They have different coverage options but whether it be for your home, car, motorcycle, boat or even RV with estate farm agent, you know someone is there to help protect what's important. And with so many coverage options, it's nice knowing you have help finding what fits for you so you can continue to celebrate all of life's biggest milestones. Go online@statefarm.com or use the award winning app to get help from one of their local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
- [15:03]
Jay Shetty
The future won't wait and neither should you. That's why American Public University offers Master's programs designed for momentum, affordable, high quality and flexible so you keep moving forward. With career relevant programs in business, healthcare, education, IT and more. You can gain skills you can use right away and the confidence to power your next move. American Public University made for what's next. Learn more at apu apus Edu. Now let's talk about the always on problem. Because this is where peace is being stolen in real time, hourly, and most people have normalized it completely. The expectation of constant availability, of being reachable, responsive and cognitively present at all hours is historically unprecedented and the research on its effect is damning. You don't have to answer the email. Just knowing it might arrive is enough to keep your nervous system in a low level state of alert. This is called anticipatory stress and your body does not distinguish between the stress of actually dealing with the problem and and the stress of waiting for the problem to arrive. The cortisol response is similar. The cognitive load is similar. The depletion is similar. Which means your phone on your bedside table with work notifications enabled is not a neutral object. It is a device that is keeping your stress response mildly activated while you sleep. And yet dismantling always on culture feels dangerous. It feels like professional suicide. It feels like being the person who doesn't care enough. And here's the uncomfortable truth. In some environments, it actually is dangerous. There are workplaces where boundaries are genuinely penalized, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. But I am going to tell you this. Research on deep work by computer scientist Cal Newport and on recovery by Sabine Sonnentag consistently shows that the people who do the best, most creative work, most important work are not the ones who are always on. They're the ones who protect their cognitive resources fiercely, who create clear demarcations between work and not work, who allow their minds to actually rest because they understand that a rested mind produces better work than an exhausted one. The always on person is not your most valuable employee. They are your most depleted one, doing their worst thinking and calling it dedication. Here is what reclaiming peace from work actually looks like. Not quitting. Not a dramatic confrontation with your boss, but a series of daily, deliberate, non negotiable acts. You stop performing Busyness. There's a difference between being busy and being productive. Most people know this, but they perform being busy anyway because the culture rewards the performance. Stop performing. Do one thing every day that's just for you. Eat a meal without a screen. Maybe go on a walk without being on the phone one hour. That work does not get to take over everything else. One thing per day that reminds your nervous system that you're a person, not a machine. And you start slowly, honestly, to answer the questions of whether this specific work is asking you to betray yourself. Because some work does some work asks you to act against your values, or to suppress your voice, or to participate in dynamics that corrode your self respect. And if that's happening, no amount of personal peace practice is sufficient. The answer is structural. The answer is change. This is the part of the episode that I almost didn't include, because it's the hardest part and the most personal and the most likely to get dismissed. But it's also the most important because here's the truth that all the external work, the relationship audits, the work boundaries, the lifestyle changes, doesn't address on its own. Sometimes you are the one taking your piece. Not them, not work, not the algorithm, you, me, us. The relentless internal monologue that critiques everything, the rumination that replays the conversation on loop, the catastrophizing that takes a mildly concerning email and turns it into a disaster by 3am the comparison that looks at someone else's life and immediately generates evidence that yours is inadequate. The mind at war with itself is one of the most exhausting environments a human being can inhabit. And most people are inhabiting it constantly, having become so accustomed to the noise that they've stopped noticing it. I want to share some research from Ethan Cross. The first tool is what he calls distanced self talk. When you're inside a spiral, when the inner critic is loudest, when the catastrophizing is most vivid, you refer to yourself by name. Not I, but your actual name, Jay. What's actually happening here, Sarah? Is this thought true? I know this sounds bizarre, but. But it works because of the neurological distance it creates. Using third person language activates the same prefrontal cortex regulation that we see when people successfully coach others through difficult emotions. Have you ever found it easier to tell someone else what to do than yourself? That's why using your name in third person works. You become, briefly, your own wise friend rather than your own worst enemy. Studies show it reduces emotional intensity measurably and produces significantly clear thinking within minutes. The second tool is what Cross calls temporal distancing. When you're consumed by a problem, when it feels enormous and all encompassing and permanent, you ask, will this matter in 10 years? In 5? In 1? This is not dismissiveness. It is the accurate recalibration of perspective that anxiety systematically destroys. Let me be direct about something before I go into this. Peace is not a destination. It is not a state you achieve and then maintain effortlessly. It is a practice, something you build, lose, rebuild, and lose again in an ongoing cycle that never fully resolves and never needs to. The people you Know who seem genuinely peaceful, not performatively calm, not disassociated, but actually grounded and clear, are not people to whom peace came easily. They are people who have done specific, deliberate, often difficult work. And they still have bad weeks. They still get pulled off center. They still find themselves in the spiral or the argument or the 3am loop. The difference is not that the disruptions don't happen, it's that they know how to find their way back. Here is what the finding your way back actually looks like. The first practice Know your specific drains Peace is personal. What drains you is not what drains everyone. And you cannot protect your peace from things you haven't identified clearly. This requires an audit. Not a vague sense that things feel heavy, but a specific accounting. Get a piece of paper. Write three columns. People, environments, People patterns. Under people, write this who, after you spend time with them, leaves you feeling constantly depleted. This includes people you love. Love and depletion are not mutually exclusive. Under environments, where do you feel most agitated? Most unlike yourself? Your office? A particular family member's home? Your own home in a specific configuration? Cluttered, noisy, full of unfinished things or whatever it may be. And under patterns, write down what behaviors of your own reliably produce a loss of peace. Doom scrolling before bed, saying yes when you mean no, checking your phone first thing in the morning, eating alone at your desk, over committing and then resenting everyone on the calendar. Name them. Be specific, because a drain you've named is a drain you can address. A drain you're only vaguely aware of continues leaking indefinitely. The second practice Create one non negotiable peace anchor per day. Not a morning routine with 17 steps. Not a wellness protocol that requires 30 minutes before anyone else wakes up. One thing per day that is yours that restores you. That you protect it like it matters because it does. For some people, this is 10 minutes of complete silence before the household awakes. For some it's a walk that has no destination, no podcast. For some it's a physical practice, not for the fitness, but for the specific experience of being fully in a body rather than fully in a mind. For some it's cooking a meal slowly and without distraction. For some it's reading a physical book for 20 minutes before sleep instead of the screen. The specific anchor is less important than the non negotiability of it. The research on self regulation by Roy Baumeister and others consistently shows that the people with the strongest self control are not the ones who use willpower most. They are the ones who have structured their lives so that the most important things require the least willpower to protect. They've made peace the default, not the exception. One anchor every day. Not when you have time, you'll never have time, but before the time disappears into everyone else's needs. The third practice this might be the most upsetting thing I'm going to say today, and I mean it seriously. You are allowed to disappoint people not cruelly, not carelessly, but deliberately, lovingly, in service of your own truth and your own capacity. The research on chronic people pleasing by psychologist Harriet Breaker in her book the Disease to Please found that compulsive people pleasing is not a personality trait. It's a survival strategy. It developed because at some point making other people comfortable felt safer than honoring your own needs. And it worked in the context in which it was developed. It is no longer working. Every time you say yes when you mean no, you're making a deposit in someone else's account and a withdrawal from your own. And accounts that only pay out and never receive go to zero. Then they go negative and then they go to the thing we're calling burnout and resentment and a slow grinding exhaustion of a person who spent years prioritizing everyone else's comfort over their own. You are allowed to say, I can't make it. I need this weekend to myself. I don't have the capacity for that right now. I love you and I'm not available for that conversation tonight. Said with warmth, said with care, but said, the people who genuinely love you will not leave because you told the truth about your limits. The people who need you to be limitless in order to stay are not your people. The fourth practice, Create physical peace. This one is underestimated. The research on environmental psychology, particularly the work of Roger Ulrich on how physical spaces affect stress and recovery, shows that our surroundings have direct, measurable effects on cortisol levels, heart rate and cognitive function. A cluttered space maintains a low level cognitive load. Your brain keeps registering the unfinished, the disordered, the pile of things that need to be dealt with. It cannot fully rest in a space that it reads as incomplete. A space with natural light, with some element of nature, even a plant, even a view of sky, measurably reduces physiological stress markers. The fifth practice, the radical act of doing nothing and calling it enough. Here's the final practice, and the hardest one. For people who have built their self worth on productivity, sometimes peace requires you to do nothing. Not nothing as a precursor to something else, not nothing as recovery so that you can perform better tomorrow. Just nothing as its own complete and sufficient act. You are not what you produce. You are not your productivity. You are not your value to other people or to your organization, or to your family's logistics or to anyone's expectations. You are a living being. And living beings need rest the way they need water. Not as reward, not as indulgence, but as biology. When you can sit in a chair on a Sunday afternoon with nothing to do and nothing to justify and feel the particular, specific warmth of a life that is genuinely yours, that is not laziness. That is what you've been working toward all along. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you share this with a friend who's stressed, burned out, or working too hard. I hope it helps you create and find peace in your life and and remember, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If you love this episode, you will also love my interview with Kendall Jenner on setting boundaries to increase happiness and healing your inner child. If your happiness depends on the actions of others, you know you're at mercy of things that you can't control. There's nothing like escaping to a happy place. And Celebrity Cruises helps you do just that. From the Caribbean to Europe and Alaska, you'll eat in restaurants known for good taste, enjoy all day date nights, and dive into the best pool days around. Celebrity Cruises doesn't just build ships, they build vacations. You'll Never forget. Visit celebrity.com, call 1-800-celebrity or contact your travel advisor. Ships registry, Malta and Ecuador. This Mother's Day celebrate the woman behind it all with Pandora jewelry. When I think about Mother's Day, I think about the woman who gave so much of herself, often without ever asking for anything in return. The one who showed up on the hard days, celebrated the small wins, and somehow held everything together. She made me and my sister breakfast, lunch and dinner. Dropped us to school, picked us up, took us out, took care of us, and did everything she possibly could. And finding a gift that reflects that kind of love, it's not always easy. That's why I love choosing something personal, something that carries meaning. You can engrave it in your own handwriting. A date, a name, even a message you've always wanted to say. Because the best Mother's Day gifts don't just say, I love you. They say, I see everything you've done for me, and I'll never forget it. Find the perfect Mother's Day gift at your local Pandora store or online@pandora.net Shh. Enjoy a roomy seat as we get you to your destination in pure peace and quiet. Plan your relaxed ride in the quiet car at Amtrak. Com Amtrakt Retrain Travel this is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed human.