← ONE | A Potter's House Church
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We're going to dive into this first topic, which is fear. Again. We had more than 500 of you, almost 600 of you respond to the survey. What is hard about the big move you want to make? And the responses came in four categories. Fear, finances, consistency, and clarity. And I want to address fear first tonight because I feel like it's a thread through every other category that when we are afraid, it just shows up in all kinds of ways. So I want to start there and it will be a continued unfolding conversation as we go through the other categories with our special guests on tonight. So I want to start first by defining fear. And there's a really good book that has a great definition of fear. Maybe some of you have heard of this book. Listen. Here is the definition of fear that I included in the Garden Within. Fear is the impact of a situation that threatens to be painful. The pain can be physical or emotional. It can be actual, imagined, imminent, potential, short term, or persistent, so long as the situation involves uncertainty or limited control. Fear is any situation that threatens us. We respond to a threatening situation with fear when we are facing uncertainty or limited control, and usually it's both. If we have a sense of being able to control ourselves or the circumstance in the face of a threat, we usually get angry instead of scared. So if I'm walking down the street and a dog is running at me, or say a coyote, we've seen some reports of coyotes in residential areas lately. And I'm outside and I see a coyote coming, if I have a taser on me or bear spray, I might get mad and start spraying. But if I'm defenseless, I'm going to more likely respond in fear. So anger is often our response when we feel like we can handle this threat. But fear is when things are so uncertain and we don't feel like we have the power or control to handle it. And so many of you said that you felt a sense of fear as you were stepping out in your big move. And I want to congratulate y' all for doing it anyway because we're halfway through our big moves moment and many of you have tried to move forward. But I still want to help you with this issue of fear because fear doesn't generally go away once and for all. It often finds its way back into our lives. Fear is an actual emotion. It's human. It is not a sin. People experience it. I experienced it. I experienced it today, actually. When it's time to implement an idea that you have and you're excited about it. Sometimes we still get nervous. I don't want anything to go wrong tonight. I want the zoom to work. I want the Internet to stay up. You know, I had some moments, but here we are. So it's a very normal human experience, but in order to address it, here is your first tool. You have to name it. You must name the fear. And we sometimes will try everything that we can to not name the fear. Because some of us came from spaces where it's like if I say I'm scared, I'm confessing it, I'm making it true. Hun, let's let all of that go. What is scary about this? Are you afraid that you might fail? Are you thinking of the worst case scenario? That you're going to look bad, that it won't work, that you will lose an investment? What is it about this move, or any big move that is scaring you? You must be willing to say it. That's your number one tool. Name the fear. I am feeling afraid that X, Y or Z may or may not happen. And I don't want you to stop there. And if my fear comes to pass, then I will. What? Because it's not just I'm afraid that I will fail, it will have more to it. I'm afraid that I'll fail and then I'll be embarrassed. I'm afraid that I will take this money out of my savings account and it won't be worth it and now I will be behind my goal and I won't have achieved what I wanted. Take it all the way to the end. Because when we just say I'm afraid of not being good enough or not having enough or not knowing my purpose, all of that's too abstract. And if that fear comes to pass, then what? I need us to actually walk it out. Because fear is not here to give you a rational calculation. It's your body responding to a threat. So I want you to write all the way out what it is that's scaring you in that moment. The next thing you can do. Step two, we're going to separate feelings from conclusions. Because a lot of times we go straight from how we feel to a conclusion. I don't want us ignoring our feelings. I want us to trust that something feels threatening to us. But then I want to stop there before I come to a conclusion. There are three conclusions that fear often takes us to. So I want to share those with you so you know if you've already done it or you can stop yourself from doing it or roll it back. The first Thing that fear will inspire you to do is overestimate a threat. Fear will tell you that the risk is much higher than it actually is. You will overestimate a threat. And so, for instance, what if I. I'm thinking of my first Instagram post from 2017. I was so nervous about making this post. I was just like, okay, maybe I need a graphic artist. What if the post isn't good enough? And at that time, my theme was about being authentic. And so I finally just made the post. And in the post, I made a little graphic. I got on my little app, and I put the word authentic in the post. And can I tell you, there was a typo in a post about being authentic, which was hilarious. And I decided not to delete the post and put back up another post that was more perfect. I decided to leave it there because right then I had a chance to get over my fears. What if I do something wrong? What if it's not perfect? What if people see something and they think she could have done a better job? I had to find. Finally recognized that no matter what I did first, whatever I did next would be better and what I was doing a year later would be better. There is no way for me to avoid being new at something when I'm new at it. And so I had to walk all the way through that fear of I was overestimating the risk of starting by hoping that I could be perfect. It's impossible to be perfect. No matter what I do five years later, what I'm doing then is going to be amazing. And what I did first might seem embarrassing in comparison, but there's no way around that. So that was an example of me checking on risk. We overestimate the risk. And another reason why we overestimate the risk. Well, I'll say it this way. Let's say this is the second one. We underestimate ourselves. Fear will lead you to underestimate yourself. So start checking on the conclusions that you're coming to about yourself. I spoke at a women's conference on Friday night, and the table that I was at included other speakers and panelists. So everyone was a therapist. And I got a chance to have a side conversation with a woman who had read my book, loved my book. She was working on a book now, and she's so nervous about it. And she was like, do you have a process? How did you do it? She wanted me to give her my checklist process so she wouldn't have to be afraid to move forward. And I said, oh, my gosh I don't have a process to give you you. That was so hard for me. It was really hard for me to get that book written. It took me two years stopping and starting. I changed the title halfway through. It was really hard work. And she was like, really? Yeah, really. And every time you read that book and cried on a certain page, I promise you, you were crying reading it because I was crying typing it. The tears were going into the page. And so she had been underestimating herself, comparing herself to an imagined version of me. And I was able to clear that for her. Hon, that book was tears on the keyboard. I don't know why my computer didn't short out in those two years. And so even if you never get a chance to have a conversation with someone who you look up to or who may have achieved something you want to achieve, believe me, you are likely underestimating yourself if you think it's just easier for everyone else. You are capable of hard things. You are capable of hard things, and I want you to tell yourself that truth. So write down, when you overestimate your. Your threat, let's get some reality on the paper. Number two, when you underestimate yourself, let's get some reality on the paper. What hard things have I already done? What have I stepped out and tried and it didn't kill me? When did I start something from scratch and make it? What have I already achieved? We're so quick to forget what we're capable of. And as Christians, we will often go straight to scripture and try and put a scripture on top of that low estimation of ourselves. And I would like you to stop doing that. You are gifted. You have capacities, you have amazing ideas. And then on top of that, we get to be empowered by the grace of God. But there are people who don't follow Jesus killing the game right now, now, because they are walking in what gifts they carry in their hands. And so I want us to have faith and trust God, but I want us to be careful not to spiritually bypass our fear by trying to put a scripture on top of my refusal to recognize my capacities. Stop underestimating yourself. You got this. If the idea is coming to your mind, then somewhere in there, you have capacity to go in that direction. Take this moment and remember what you have already achieved. You can do it. Even if it wasn't this exact thing. You started something at some point in your life. None of us got this far without having done something before. So do not underestimate yourself. And number three, I want you to then Check and shift your focus from protection to growth. From protection to growth. Because fear will have you trying to limit exposure. How can I minimize my risk rather than what is possible from here? So remember I said earlier, fear is characterized by a situation that's threatening and uncertain. A lot of times we'll go into protection mode to try to find certainty. So if I minimize it to this small size, if I only move this much, I can be certain that this risk won't be there. And so we're trying to get certainty before we move. The emotion of fear that you have in your body will likely go with you into step one. The goal is not to be completely fear free when you start moving. It's to not allow fear to bring you to these conclusions so you can separate your feelings from these conclusions. So three areas to check on those conclusions. Overestimating threats. Underestimating yourself. Focusing on protection rather than growth. Whatever things are coming to your mind, write them down and use those three categories to correct them. Okay, next thing. How am I doing? All right, next thing. Number three, calm your body. Fear is one of the most physical emotions out there. Whether it's showing up as anxiety or panic or sleeplessness. Fear is one of the, excuse me, most physically intense emotions that we can have. I saw somebody ask for some for a review of the three things. So tool number one was name the fear. Tool number two, separate feelings from conclusions. And in three areas we do that. Overestimating threats, underestimating yourself, and focusing on protection rather than growth. Now we're going to number three, calm your body. You need to just let fear move out of your body. I know many of us who grew up in church grew up hearing that fear was a spirit. God hasn't given me a spirit of fear. But the translation of that scripture is more accurate to say the spirit that God gives doesn't make me afraid. It's not saying that there's a all spiritual battle here. Fear is an emotion in our bodies and one of the best ways to move through it is to just get into your body. So that could be taking some deep breaths. Many of you have known about breathing techniques. Breathe in for four through your nose, out for eight through your mouth. I'm not going to go all the way to eight because I don't have time. But breathe in for four, out for eight or breathe in for three and out for six. As long as the exhale is longer than the inhale, it often helps to calm fear out of our bodies. But there are other ways besides deep breathing. Sometimes I just move around. Shake it out, shake it out. Don't worry about how silly it looks. Just get it out. Stand up. Kick your leg, kick your arm. I just move my body because it starts to get my nervous system in a different place. So sometimes it's just move your body. You can also dance. We love a dance. And music is so good. I have a Hype song playlist. Oh, God. I have a hype song playlist, let me tell you. I mean, and it's not worship music. Oh, Lord. PDA untold on herself. I have a hype song playlist that does not include worship music, okay? Not because I got a problem with worship music, but because this is my hype song list. Now, I'm old, so I'm gonna tell you some of songs. I got Girl on Fire by Alicia Keys, because, hon, this girl is on fire, and sometimes she needs to be reminded of that. I got golden by Jill Scott. I got a few Eminem songs on there. I'm not gonna lie. I got a few Eminem songs. I'm not afraid. You know what I'm saying? I got a few of those. I got. I got some stuff on there. Optimistic by Sounds of Blackness that's going way back. There's so many different songs on there. But sometimes I just got to get my playlist on, and I got to imagine walking into the room. I got to imagine sending off the finished manuscript, and I got my song pumping up, and I'm imagining myself on the other side, and that moves fear out of my body. You got to have a theme song for every season. And yours may be worship and. And bless you. You're more holy than me. But sometimes we just need, you know, a Hype song. And so whatever gets your body moving, do that. And finally. And that can be singing, dancing, and moving, right? But let out a sound. I think it was two Sundays ago if this fell on my spirit during worship. And I had everybody let out a sound that sounded like the pain that they had brought into the room. Was anybody there for that? And we let that sound out, and then it just evolved into another level of praise because we were moving the pain to make room for the praise. And a young man actually came to me after church and thanked me so much because he said he had been struggling with anxiety and he felt like it was blocking his worship. And when he just let that out, that sound out, all of a sudden he felt the presence of God in a new way. We are trying so hard not to feel fear that very often we're clogging our movement in every other way. And so sometimes just let a sound out that sounds like how you feel. Move around, shake it off, get your playlist, your hype, song list, dance, sing, and remember that you are that chick, you are that dude. Get yourself in space knowing this is who I am right now. And on top of that, I serve the God of all, so that's an extra thing. But don't forget to tap into who you are. All right, and then I got 12 minutes left. Number four, take a small step forward. And I'm going to share with you really quick my favorite. It is the most basic idea. I'm going to put it in the chat. I'm hoping. Can I pin that comment? Yes. I'm pinning in the chat a link just now. Does everybody see it? All right, I clicked on Pin for everyone. It is one of my favorite little frameworks. It's called smart. And it's just five basic steps to get you started when you are stuck. I've been using this for years. I always go back to it when I'm feeling stuck. You can make a smart move. So once you have named your fear, stripped it away from conclusions that are not accurate, gotten your body in place, you can make one small step using this five step framework. Smart moves. The S stands for specific. What exactly are you going to do? Be clear, be concise. What is it that you are going to do? The M stands for measurable. It should be something that you will know you did it when you did it. Okay, so you guys know I'm working on my first faith and mental health conference. This is my big move. And so one of the first things I did specifically, I mean, that was measurable, was ask my graphic artist to create the look for the conference. When I start posting about it, what's it going to look like? That was a measurable thing. I did it. I could check it off then. A stands for achievable. Is the thing you're choosing actually achievable right now. Sometimes we go so big we can't measure it, we can't articulate it, we can't achieve it right this minute. And that can be fear avoidance too. Like, okay, I'm just going to think about the biggest thing possible, but you still got to come back down here and be able to take a step. So is this next step achievable? Is it specific? Is it measurable? Is it achievable? Is it relevant? Or how does it connect to your larger goal? So I don't need to say the first thing I'm going to do is clean my room so that I can text my graphic artist. You know, we love to do that. Procrastination. Busy. Procrastination. I need to do three other things before I can actually do this thing. Nope. My bedroom been dirty last week. It's going to be dirty next week. Another day. I do not have to clean my room before I take this small step. Oh, I see some faces being made on this one. I'm coming for y' all because I'm human, too, and I have to talk to myself. Anita, Anita, no, you don't need to clean the bookshelf before you say no, you don't. No, you don't. You got to talk to yourself. When you catch yourself trying to block yourself, Self sabotage is fear's favorite thing to do. So what is that thing that you're about to do, and is it relevant to your goal? And then the T in smart stands for time bound. When will you do it by? So for me, with the conference, what do I want to do? I want to have a faith and mental health conference. What's going to be my first step? I need to get a. I need to get graphics for it. So that's measurable, that's achievable, it's relevant. And I had a time to get it done, and I got it done by that time. And that's it. And then choose your next small step. And one step at a time, it starts to come together, and maybe you'll feel some of that fear much lower. Sometimes it will pop back up, you put it down again. But keep moving. Keep moving in smart steps, and you will get there. All right, 5:52. I got eight minutes. Questions? I'm gonna let you guys put some questions in the chat. Let's see. Oh, I saw somebody bring up their add. We'll talk about that in the consistency session. Let's see. Is this recorded? Yes, it's recorded. We will. We will make sure that you guys can watch it. Questions? What questions? What do you do when you feel the most fear? When I feel the most fear, one of my first responses is to name it. I'm being honest about what I'm feeling, and then I'm gonna strip away those conclusions. This does not mean that things are not gonna work out. Oh, this is another one, though. When it comes to getting fear through my body, sometimes I call a friend, phone a friend and talk about it. Oh, my gosh, I'm scared to death. And let them be there. With me. Let them support me, let them hear me out. Relationships. Relationship is one of our best forms of self care and we just super underutilize it. You are not required to do all this on your own. Do not only use your relationships for accountability. I kind of don't like that word anymore because it became this threat. Like if I tell people what I'm going to do and ask them to hold me accountable, then somehow the fear of not doing it in front of them will be bigger than the fear of doing it. And I'm trying to use fear to get rid of fear and that just even if it works for a little while, it strips so much out of me and I don't want to have to come across the finish line crawling. And so I think that relational support is a really nice thing. Hey, I'm hoping to do this thing by Friday. Will you check on me? If you didn't hear me say anything and I go quiet, would you just check on me? Or hey, we both have something this week that we want to do that's scaring us. Let's get together on Saturday, open up our laptops, and let's do it at the same time. That's relational support, not threatening accountability. So get somebody in it with you because I guarantee you almost everybody's working on something scary. Let's see. I see people talk about getting past or preventing overthinking. Here's the thing about overthinking. If you are asking yourself questions and going back and forth and going back and forth, what you're doing is you're processing up here instead of down here. Stop trying to answer those thoughts and questions and ask yourself, how do I feel? What is afraid? What am I afraid of? That's the only question you need to answer at that time. Because remember the go. Remember, there's again, this really good book explains that we are made like gardens and so the soil is the heart. That's where the emotions are. Those thoughts are the plants growing out of the soil. If I pull the plants out, that's fine, I can get rid of the thoughts for the moment. But if the soil is still growing the same thing, it's just going to make another crop. So you spend all your time pulling the weeds out of the ground instead of addressing why the ground is making weeds in the first place. So the only question you need to answer when Your mind has 20 questions running is what am I afraid of? And then walk right through these steps that I just shared. And again, you will take steps while experiencing Some fear in your body that is. Okay. I want you to work on not being afraid. Afraid of fear. So many of us fear fear. And so as long as I'm feeling fear, I'm. I'm afraid of the fear. And we don't have to be fear free to start. And when you. Your body will learn. Oh, man. Even though our stomach felt kind of tight and our chest felt kind of tight, we still took our small step and it worked. And so you teach yourself two things. I can move even when I'm scared, and I can handle this feeling in my body without collapsing. Man, if I was gonna not do anything when my body was feeling a little anxious, child, y' all be waiting for somebody to come out there and preach. It would be nobody out there. There would be moments when I would just disappear because, you know, my body does things too. But I have enough experience. Let's go back to that underestimating ourselves, where I can look back and say, Anita, you have done this, this, this, this and this. So now you know, your body's just being a little crazy, but we gonna go on out here and do what we do. So we gotta keep having those conversations with ourselves. We underestimate ourselves. I had a client for a while who was a very, very successful performer. And this person was super excited that they were on tour. And the tour was just selling incredibly well. Tickets were selling out in venues incredibly well. And we were in a se was expressing a lot of anxiety. Man, so many people are buying tickets so fast. They're posting about how they can't wait to come. And I'm like, what if they're disappointed? What if. What if they don't like it? What if they don't like the show? And my response was, people are not buying the tickets because they're investing in a charity. They're spending that money because you have consistently entertained them time and time again. That is why they're buying the tickets. And that was so eye opening for her. Like, stop worrying about. You have a track record. There's a reason why you're selling out stadiums. You have a track record of when you step out there, you get the job done. So have as much confidence in you as they have because they're not spending that money for charity. They're spending it because they have a reason to feel guaranteed that they're going to enjoy themselves. And so she started to just repeat that in her dressing room and next thing you know, she was doing much better. And I keep that advice for myself as well. Why am I tripping, clearly. I have a track record of offering people things that they find valuable. So let's go do it again. Do not underestimate yourself and do not overestimate the threat. But you can't fix fear all up here. You got to get into that body space and in that relational space. Okay, I look at one more question. I'm scrolling. Many of the questions are similar, so I think I got you mostly negative talk and negative thoughts and. All right, it looks like I got you guys in pretty good shape. What advice would you give to not give much thought about the outcome or success, but move through the journey be. It's okay to have thoughts about the outcome. If you don't have an outcome ahead of you, you don't have a goal. And so what you're saying is to not worry about everything not going perfect. That's what these steps are for. But you want to have a clear goal. Recognize that if you don't meet it the way you want to the first time, maybe something does fail, you will not die. You will live and not die. Failure happens to all of us. Failure happens to all of us. But then you have to go through, I'm afraid to fail. Because if I fail, then what? And then you're back at step one that I gave you so I don't have magic for you that you will not experience fear. But I promise you, if you walk through these steps, you will begin to take the steps that you need to towards the outcome that you have hoped for. When you set your outcome, when you set your outcome, let it be smart. And that doesn't mean that you aim small. Right? But I'm gonna do my first conference this year. I'm not gonna aim small. I am also not gonna try to book a 20,000seat stadium for it because it's my first one. And that's. And that's just a fact. It's my first one, and I am not going to do that. So I think we have to be careful that we don't try to replace fear with fantasy. We can be grounded and still have high expectations for what is possible. And that balance is going to be talked about in the next three sessions as well. We're going to talk about it in the finance session. We're going to talk about it in consistency. We're going to talk about it in clarity. So, yes, you should have a clear outcome goal. You should have a target that's absolutely a good thing. And you should set one that scares you a little. Just. Just above what fear might protect you from. That makes sense.