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Many of us seem to be searching for a distraction this week. Maybe it’s Mercury or the on/off tease of spring, but paying attention to the present moment feels like the last thing anyone wants to do. Maybe we should drink more wine? Seriously! While I would never suggest you drown your sorrows in a syrupy Syrah, I do think mindful wine consumption could help you notice what’s right in front of you, especially if you’re drinking a glass of pét-nat. Pét what you say? Pét-nat is short for Pétillant-Naturel, the casual cousin of sparkling wines like Champagne. They have less fizz, more funk, and make even the most stuck in the muds sit up and say, “What’s this?” I recently opened a bottle of Swick Wines City Pop Pét-Nat at a bonfire and surprised a few friends with its crunchy bubbles and citrusy tang. The low ABV makes it perfect for celebrating the simple things in life, like making it to Thursday or being an adult. If you want help finding a bottle, text me, and I'll connect you with an Other Peoples Approved retailer near you! ( 🇺🇲 313.825.4670 or 🇨🇦 647.370.6832 )

Enough about wine; let’s get back to distractions! The last couple of weeks have reminded me how often I rely on an especially pernicious distraction - fear. Like I’ve used cigarettes or alcohol in the past, I regularly use fear to distract me from the present moment. I’ll sit frozen, dreaming up fearful scenarios of my boss criticizing my slow response to emails instead of taking action and answering the damn emails. Or sometimes I obsessively check a particular dating app for fear of missing a match instead of going outside for a run or grabbing a glass of wine like my profile suggests I do. It’s tempting to think these fear-based actions are proof of my diligent work ethic or commitment to forging a healthy relationship, but I know better. They’re just evidence that fear, like many addictive substances, is just another thing I use to avoid the oh-so-scary task of living life.

Two of the recent tough questions brought to mind more examples of how fearful thinking, or a lack thereof, has impacted my life. When asked, “What's the best evening you've ever had?” I, like many of you, bristled at the idea of putting one night above all others. Ranking my evenings felt like a fool’s errand, but recalling them put a smile on my face. As I pondered my most memorable nights, I realized many lacked that otherwise common component of my life - you guessed it - fear! These were the times I threw caution to the wind and asked a stranger their name, accepted a spontaneous invitation, or danced like no one was watching; moments when I stopped worrying about what was next and enjoyed the people, sounds, and sites around me.

As my fearless fever dream of memories faded, I remembered one of the other tough questions and asked myself, “What's something you regret not doing due to fear?” Errrr, I don’t like the word regret as It feels too permanent and pessimistic for my Piscean nature, but I’ll admit there are things in my life I wish I’d handled more skillfully. Unfortunately, most of these involve the people closest to me. Fear of disappointing the people we love can often lead us to say or do hurtful things. Thankfully, the heartache of the examples I’ll share has mostly given way to personal growth and improved the relationships in question.

Without further explanation, here are three things I delayed doing out of fear that I wish I’d done sooner:

#1 - Involving my mother in my love life.

I know that sounds weird, but let me explain! Before I came out to my mom, there was often an awkward pause or quick goodbye that punctuated our conversations whenever the topic of love or relationships threatened to come up. When I finally confirmed I was gay, her heartfelt embrace was difficult to accept, given I was still hiding the fact that I had fallen in love and was soon to be engaged. She was clearly hurt as the news unraveled, likely because she’d done her best to be a loving and supportive parent. In the years that followed, I avoided talking about my relationship for fear of disappointing her yet again. The pressures of the last year pushed me to find the courage to speak about dating and relationships with my mother, and it’s been a relief! I’m not sure my love life would have turned out dramatically differently had I involved her in it sooner, but I sure am glad I’m doing it now!

#2 - Telling my ex-husband I was struggling in our relationship.

Blah blah blah, another story about his divorce. Maybe by the end of this tough question challenge, I’ll have released some of my insecurity surrounding the divorce. Till then, you’ll have to endure semi-regular snark about my split. I remember pacing around the apartment three or four years into my marriage, asking myself WTF I was doing with my life. The relationship patterns I had developed as a kid weren’t proving as helpful two and a half decades down the road, and cracks were starting to show. Despite describing my husband as my best friend, I didn’t share my struggles with him for fear of failing our relationship. I assumed if he knew I was having a hard time, he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. By the time I did open up, a million tiny wedges had driven us irrevocably apart. Although we did split up, my speaking up sparked a healthier form of communication that helped things end on a more amicable note. Fingers crossed, I find the courage to start my next relationship with such open communication.

#3 - Developing compassion for myself.

At first, I didn’t think this was important enough to include. I took that as a sign it really did belong on the list. It feels like I’m still learning what it means to be kind to myself and not criticize my every effort. Compassion seems like something to give children and puppies, not grown-ass adults like me. People praise my attention to detail and ambitious nature, but both those qualities are grounded in relentless self-recrimination and my fixation on constantly proving I’m good enough. I’ve found it easier to empathize with others in recent years and appreciate their efforts, but I’m rarely so generous with the man staring back at me in the mirror. Just last week, I caught myself saying, “That’s okay, Michael, you’re doing your best,” and almost cried. That’s how uncommon such self-acceptance is in my life! I’m still working through how to have compassion for myself without losing my edge, so you’ll have to stay tuned to see how this one plays out.

It feels weird to classify any of these things as a regret, per se, but they are all personal failures I’m happy to be learning from. I share my feelings more, make fewer assumptions about what other people will think, and am a little less hard on myself, especially when the road gets bumpy. Fear will likely get the best of me at times in the future, but I’m confident the skills and courage I’ve developed in response to these struggles, alongside the sheer delight of the fearless nights I’ve experienced, will help me manage those moments better when they come. If not, at least I’ll have pét-nat to keep me company! Joking, not joking.

If you have any tips on saying f-you to fear or want to try that bubbly bottle of wine I described, text me! ( 🇺🇲 313.825.4670 or 🇨🇦 647.370.6832 ) I’m off to figure out the number of carbs in one square of dark chocolate before I say screw it and eat the whole damn bar. Until we talk again, I hope you'll keep being curious enough to ask questions, find the courage to answer them, and if the stars will allow, have the audacity to give a damn about other people's answers too!

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Recap 008: What's there to be afraid of?

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