GODDAMMIT RYAN REYNOLDS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

CUT TO:

[Cofee is being made.]

Oops, I Did It Again - Britney Spears

[There are no pants involved.]

…this is it, isn't it?

What.

Season 10

This is the movie before season 10

[Cofee is being enjoyed.]

I want to go on high concept adventures through space and time.

[There are still no pants involved.]

What are you, Ryan Reynolds?

A TV host?

(sipping coffee)

Let's just say I put in my time.

—and until the seething, burning hate in your eyes returns, this conversation is over.

It never left!

So that's what strike force 5 does.

⚡️

Well then, this conversation is still over—because I have better shit to do.

[Strike Force 4.5]

Getting awesome parts in awesome movies for our friends—yes. Strike force 5–no.

What do you mean ‘no'

We kicked Jimmy out.

Which Jimmy?

Shouldn't matter.

You know which.

Shouldn't matter—okay— just— do the bit.

What.

The BIT,

Ugh, alright.

We meet again.

Multiple actual actors are stuck in the actual world of Sesame Street, which—

Admittedly, this is okay.

—seems awesome at first, but after awhile…

Ok. This [censored] gets deep.

Not that bit! The other bit.

I can't do that bit right now.

What the fuck? Why not?

Because, I'm not wearing pants.

Did it work.

FUCK YOU RYAN REYNOLDS, GODDAMMIT.

So, we meet again.

GET OUT.

If I was a horse, I'd kick you in the face.

Shit, if you were a horse, I'd kick you.

And I love fucking horses.

You love fucking horses?!

You know what? I still might.

Get over behind me and a little lower to the ground.

You don't want that.

No, you dont want that;

I'm still holding in a fart.

For four seasons?

Meet me at the four seasons.

For what?

Because, global warming is a bitch and I want to take ironic memory photos for momentos.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Same thing you are.

(Sips coffee)

You smell like baggage and unpaid debt.

The Cosmic Avenger takes off his wedding band to prepare to fight; He places it on the table, and it begins to glow and float, growing as it begins to levitate and gravitate towards his opponent, [a mysterious multidimensional alien], who stands undefeated. The ring swells to the size of a large golden halo, sitting itself atop the head of his opponent, and though momentarily caught in the midsts of being in awe, the halo drops over his opponents head and onto their shoulders, tightening into a collar around their neck—beams of light attach to the collar like chained leashes and seven dieties drag his opponent away.

The Cosmic Avenger stands in confusion, before asking,

…what does that mean?

A DRAW!

(We'll see.)

Ultralight beam>< oops I did it again.

But play the video, right?

That, and the Rick Roll.

(Courtesy of Jesus Christ The Savior, Inc.)

SUNNI BLU

MorGIE.

What!

GODDAMMIT SUNNÏ

WHAT!

This memo says I'm starting opposite Ryan Reynolds in an upcoming action and adventure flick.

Yes, that's correct.

No, it isn't, Majilla!!!

Why isn't it, Sunni?

I can't star opposite Ryan Reynolds.

Well, why not?

CAUSE I'M GAY.

Lil bitz

So I was listening to Kanye Weat*

Yes.

I was listening to Kanye West, and he's talking about cheating on Kim, Like, out loud—

And I get dumb curious, so I ask Google

Google, why are dudes so obsessed with models—

I typed that in and hit search, and the whole thing just freezes.

Even Google doesn't have a fucking answer for the intrinsic stupidity that is the hardwiring of the modern man.

You ever look at like Greek sculptures, or Roman Arcitecture and realize the women aren't fucking twigs?

They're not sticks!

They're like muscular, and thick, and mad healthy looking.

And that's weird to me.

That at one point men were wired to be attracted to healthy looking women—

But now the ideal for perfection is like 110 lbs and if you're anywhere between 5'1 and 5'11 that's ideal.

That's nuts to me.

So you're just trying to like, put your dick through the bitch!?

Yes.

I can actually see my 5 inch penis on the other side of this woman as I penetrate her.

Good job, guys.

Meet me at Equinox; The Hudson Yards Location- 7:05 Sharp.

Alright.

EQUINOX FITNESS. HUDSON YARDS. NEW YORK CITY. DAY

Not this side, that side.

What do you mean.

This is the fitness section.

You said Equinox…

We're going to the hotel.

SUNNI BLU

You ever been to pound town?

Weather's great right now.

I ain't going outside now,

I got a new strike force,

Four door, 5 clowns.

Ohhhhhhhh.

Shout out to Jimmy O!

Don't shout out to Jimmy, no

He back to back too many hooooeeess—

You know I'm talkin bout his show

Go stream Tonight though.

No thanks.

Ben and Jerry's tonight doe.

AHEM.

Gazuntite.

Listen—

Ryan Reynolds is the devil.

I knew it.

You knew that already?

Yeah.

Great, so is he through with Jimmy Fallon then?

Uh, I guess.

That's great, I gotta go rehearse these lines.

Okay?

Oh and Jimmy.

Yes.

Find some pants.

MEANWHILE.

DAVID LETTERMAN

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

That's more like it.

Okay, but following up on before.

THE COMIC AGENGER does not need an evil laugh.

Hey, Jimmy.

Mwahaha..

Damn. Okay.

Look, I just found out that dude's evil laugh is actually just…his regular laugh.

How do you mean?

Have you ever heard Jimmy Fallon laugh?

Play the clip.

[JIMMY FALLON's actual laugh is terryfying and meniacal. ]

You're a menace.

You lost me.

Whatever dog,

I'll have all of you I'll ever need with AI.

CUT TO:

[Squirts soy sauce into Jimmy Fallon's squinty ass eyes.]

AGGGHHHH. MY EYES.

Quit friggin squinting.

I'm not squinting! These are just my eyes!

I hope you die.

So.

You're officially a literary genius.

What are you going to do with that?

I don't know? Die?

Hahaha, she's Jewish!

The entirety of the world of LEGENDS and enter the multiverse becomes a backdrop for Jimmy Kimmel's Latest Late Late Show

Is that what it's called?

I don't…give a fuck.

He acts throughout the season as a literal comic relief, almost always only arriving as disaster and despair have stricken, and at the absolutely worst possible moment—

AGH—MY EYES!

Your squinty eyes. *also squints*

AH WHAT THE [CENSORED]

WHY ARE YOU STILL CENSORED?!

Didn't they fire you from NBC?

I'M CENSORED IN ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE LATER SYNDICATED— [FUCK] (but censored)

Is that what you're squinting at?!

ITS IN MY CONTRACT, I AM NOT SQUINTING THESE ARE MY ACTUAL EYES.

Fuck you, Jimmy. If I thought you had balls, I'd kick you in them right now.

[EXPLITIVE] YOUR FACE.

What are you, Chinese?

THIS IS VERY OFFENSIVE.

Hush, Yao Ming.

YOURE JUST MAKING IT WORSE.

Do you want any soy sauce in your noodles?

This is classic ritual torture.

You hush, too Billie— I need you to coconut oil the cornbread.

Cornbread with noodles?!

I didn't hear any complaints when I went over today's menu earlier while you two were at karaoke, almost getting along just fine.

CUT TO: FLASHBACK, EARLIER

I'm making noodles with cornbread, any suggestions.

PSYCHO KILLER!

FAH-FAH-FAH-FAH-FAH-FAH

You're off pitch.

I HAVE PERFECT PITCH.

FA-FA

You're flat.

Eat a dick.

Ugh.

...

‘The Sad Truth’