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Parenting in the Screen Age - The Screenagers Podcast
Recovered Gaming Addict Shares His Story And Advice (Encore)
00:25:41
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- [00:00]
Cam Adair
You know, the email I get often is, during COVID we've allowed more gaming. We've kind of allowed it to be a thing. And, you know, we're hoping that it's a phase that will end when Covid ends.
- [00:19]
Delaney Rustin
Hi, I'm Delaney Rustin, physician and filmmaker of the Screenagers movies. And this is the Screenagers podcast. There are people who take their hard life experiences and use those hard experiences to do something positive for the world. Sometimes very well sought out, and sometimes through serendipity. Today's show, I invite Cam Adair on who is more the latter. He had not planned to start a major movement, but his viral post was the catalyst for his starting Game Quitters, an online platform where thousands of people have come to get help with video game overuse. In fact, so far, there have been over 45,000 journal entries of people helping each other build more balanced lives. Cam Adair has been asked to speak in venues across the globe to help kids and parents address video gaming concerns. Now with COVID I know that is big on everyone's mind, and that's why I thought it was such a great time to have him on the show. Today, Cam first shares his personal story around video gaming, which is very powerful, and then talks about his wealth of insights for youth and parents. Cam really struggled with true gaming addiction. And of course, the vast majority of you listening and kids listening. We're not talking about gaming addiction as such in a clinical way, but still, there's a lot to learn from this story and his insights. I'm a strong believer in the power of stories to spark discussions and empathy. So consider sharing this episode with any kids in your life. Let's hear from Cam.
- [01:57]
Cam Adair
You know, growing up, I was a fairly normal Canadian teenager. I went to school, played hockey, and then I would go home and play video games. And I began to experience a lot of bullying when I was about 13 years old. And that bullying really led me to want to escape. I didn't feel safe at school or hockey anymore, and so I went to games, and gaming really allowed me to escape. In the ninth grade, I kind of, like, was able to make a couple friends, but kind of got in trouble a lot and was acting out a lot. And my parents for grade 10 really didn't want me to go to the same school. I decided to go to a private school. All of these kids had been together since, like, the first grade, and it was just really hard. And so I convinced my parents to let me do online school. The genius in me was Like, I'll let my parents have me at home where I'll be doing schoolwork, but instead I could just play video games. And that's, like, exactly what happened. On the first day. Both my parents were at work, and I sat down at the table being like, okay, I should do some schoolwork for a couple hours before I do that. I'm just gonna go play a game of StarCraft. And then I played the game of StarCraft. And then I played another game and another game. And then 11th grade, I went to a private school in another province in Canada, where in order for me to play hockey, I had to go to school. And I did pretty well for 11th grade, except as soon as hockey finished, I no longer had that kind of leverage where I had to go to school. And I gamed all day long. I dropped any class I didn't absolutely have to take, and I did it strategically. I went into my guidance counselor's office on a Monday, and I dropped music. And then on Tuesday, I dropped physical ed. And then on Wednesday, I dropped something else. Right. Like, for some reason, I knew how to navigate these sorts of experiences of, like, if I go in and say I'm going to drop three classes, they're going to say no way. But if I do one each day, you know, it's harder for them to say no.
- [04:22]
Delaney Rustin
After high school, Cam was living at home and gaming a lot all day long. His parents said he really needed to get a job.
- [04:30]
Cam Adair
I got a job at, like, a smoothie shop, but I only lasted maybe two weeks. And then kind of made up whatever excuse, like, you know, the employees framed me, and I got fired, you know, something stupid. And then I got a job at Walmart, the night shift. I lasted, you know, about two weeks, and then I quit. After Walmart, I applied for another job at a restaurant. And I did get an interview, but then I never went, but I just said I did, and I said I got the job. And then basically every morning, my dad would drop me off at the restaurant where they thought I was a prep cook. And as soon as they drove off, I'd walk across the street and catch the bus back home, sneak in through my window and just go back to sleep because I had stayed up all night gaming. Both my parents were working at the time, and my mom would get home first around like 2 or 3pm and every day I would be waking up, but my shift would have started at like, 7am so I would have got home around like 1 or 2pm and so I always just said, I had a nap after work, and that worked for, like, three weeks, until, of course, they're like, yo, where's the paycheck? And I knew that somehow. So I always quit right before that would really be the case. And that way, like, any paycheck that came or didn't come, it was never enough money to really be noticeable. Throughout this time, as much as, like, I was gaming, I was also incredibly unhappy, very depressed, and very anxious. And as much as gaming allowed me to escape, it didn't really fix any of my problems. Like, as soon as I turn the game off and I look around and my life is still in the same place, it didn't feel so good.
- [06:38]
Delaney Rustin
Cam started eventually to have thoughts of not wanting to live. Fortunately, he told his dad he needed help.
- [06:48]
Cam Adair
I asked my father to help me find a counselor. Of course he said yes. And working with this counselor really helped me to begin to turn things around.
- [07:01]
Delaney Rustin
I asked Cam about how counseling helped.
- [07:05]
Cam Adair
I decided to kind of think about, like, why did I play? Like, what was it about games that were so compelling for me? And I realized I played for four specific reasons. The first was to escape. The second was to socialize. The third was to feel a sense of measurable progress. And the fourth was to feel a sense of challenge or a sense of purpose. And it's structured that way. Like, games provide you all of these things that fulfill your emotional needs in one thing that is also hyper stimulating and you can do for hours and hours and not even really think about it. I found new ways to escape. I found new ways to socialize, new ways to feel progress in my life, and new ways to feel a sense of purpose. And those activities initially just helped me kind of survive without gaming and not feel so bored.
- [08:01]
Delaney Rustin
Things got better for Cam. He was off games and rebuilding his life. But at one point, he got a new roommate named Ben.
- [08:09]
Cam Adair
Ben said he used to play the game Starcraft, and that was the game I used to play. And he said he was going to go out and buy it and we were going to play. And I can still remember even in this moment, like, looking at him in his living room being like, you know what? Actually, I don't want to play. Like, I'm doing better. You know, this is going to destroy my life, so please don't buy the game. He came home that night and kind of put the game in front of me and said, come on, man, just one game. I said, okay, fine. We played. And he absolutely destroyed me. So my ego took a hit. And that night I Committed to doing whatever it took to ensure he could never beat me again. And the next day, I was back to playing 16 hours a day, all day, every day. Even Ben was shocked. He's like, you know, what is going on? Like, what happened to this kid?
- [09:06]
Delaney Rustin
Cam eventually quit games altogether for good. After that time, I asked him if he has urges still to play video games.
- [09:14]
Cam Adair
I do still have cravings sometimes not as much anymore. But last year, I had cravings all year to play the new World of Warcraft classic. I still crave it sometimes, but, you know, I've learned how to navigate that. And I don't think those cravings ever really go away. Honestly,
- [09:38]
Delaney Rustin
As you came back and started to, you know, build a stronger life, a bigger life, what was the moment you said, I'm going to create game quitters?
- [09:49]
Cam Adair
When I decided to stop, I searched for help online. And the answers I found were just things that were not helpful at all. The answers I found in Google were like, just study more. When it's like, okay, the whole reason I'm gaming is to avoid studying or, like, go hang out with your friends, it's like, okay, all my friends are gamers. And they were just not helpful answers. And I knew that I surely wasn't the only one out there struggling. Like, there must be other people just like myself. So I just wrote this rant about how I was a real gamer, a hardcore gamer. I was struggling a lot in my life because of it. I was playing a lot. Here's all my gaming accomplishments. Just so you know, I'm legit. And some of what I learned, which was like, I played for specific reasons, here were mine to stop. You need to find replacement activities for the reasons why you play. And most importantly, you need to have a firm commitment. Because if you're wishy washy about, like, am I gonna play? Am I not? You're just gonna play. So you really have to have a firm commitment to stop. And I just shared it and it started to go viral and I started to hear from people all over the world, and it just kind of has snowballed from there over the last 10 years.
- [11:11]
Delaney Rustin
I asked what's happening with gamequitters.com given
- [11:14]
Cam Adair
Covid when quarantines and lockdowns first hit back in March, you know, the incoming traffic and inquiries in my inbox were significant. There was a big acceleration. The number of people who are experiencing these challenges in their life have grown significantly and I think will continue to grow. You look at the trends where almost all young people are playing Video games regularly. You see the trend of people gaming younger and younger and younger and tech really just becoming that much more central to our lives. And then you look at other aspects of esports, which is now not just at the college level, but the high school level and middle school level, and this year, elementary school level will be happening. So there's an entire infrastructure being developed systematically for people to engage in organized competitions for games. And I think that can be a platform to teach positive habits and healthy gaming. But that's also going to increase the amount of time people are spending online, the amount of time there in front of screens, and. And we know there are some risks and consequences that are associated with that.
- [12:39]
Delaney Rustin
What Cam says is so true. The number of school districts partnering with gaming companies to do esports is skyrocketing. Before we dive back in, I wanted to let you know about our four screenagers documentaries, which focus on helping kids and teens navigate the challenges of this digital age. We created these films to be screened in schools and at community events. Over 20,000 hosts have shown them thus far. Along with the movies, we provide discussion guides, promotional materials, and other tools so that you can easily organize a truly impactful event for your community. And if your school wants to use the movies in the classroom, we have options for that too, along with a full curriculum of lesson plans designed for various grade levels. To learn more about the movies or inquire about becoming a host, visit screenagersmovie.com there's a link in the show notes. Now back to the show. So let's turn to ideas that Cam has for parents and for kids around finding balance in life with video gaming. First, he shares what he often says to kids he talks with.
- [13:49]
Cam Adair
Recognize that you want to pay attention to different periods of your life and what I would call the risks for a binge. So on the weekends, not binging gaming all weekend, but allowing it to still be kind of in moderation, or school breaks or the holidays, it's easy to go to it and to just game all summer long. But then school comes back around and you're in a worse position and it takes you months to catch up risk for a binge.
- [14:19]
Delaney Rustin
That's a great point to remember and to think about. He also talks to kids about another key point.
- [14:27]
Cam Adair
How do you feel after you game all day long, you had fun, but there's like this feeling of feeling like a bit of a zombie that doesn't actually feel very good. And when you can kind of create a contrast between how you feel when you game Too much. And when you game enough where it's satisfying but it didn't go over the edge, that can be really helpful.
- [14:52]
Delaney Rustin
What do you say to those kids and teens who are really having a hard time staying on course in school, staying motivated in school, and yet, you know, they find they're so motivated to do the games.
- [15:02]
Cam Adair
So I think there's a couple things. Sometimes with school you can reframe it from like I'm really interested in this classwork to this is sharpening my skills in like being able to be productive, being able to budget my time, being able to do hard work, like being able to get things done. Like those skill sets do matter. And although you can sharpen them, obviously in a gaming way, you can also sharpen them at school. So a bit of that is just like you have to kind of put your head down and you have to get it done. But if you want to have extra time to game or focus on that area, it's probably in your best interest to get schoolwork done as quickly as possible and have those grades be super good and be very efficient with it instead of wasting your time. So I think that's one challenge. I think another one is potentially leveraging other opportunities to learn. So if you want to become a professional gamer, you're going to have to learn about business, right? Math all of a sudden becomes kind of more exciting people because there's a reason you need to know it, which is it will help you with accounting for your business. So sometimes you can also find like a reframe of how learning this skill is going to help the career that you hope to achieve.
- [16:28]
Delaney Rustin
Is there any particular mindset that you want parents to know about?
- [16:32]
Cam Adair
For parents, it's until you get curious about it and you're willing to kind of engage in that world, even if it's just in conversation, it's going to be very difficult to make any progress. What games are they playing? What do they like about them? You know, what challenges do they have when they're playing? How do they navigate the social experience? Like, what are the good things? What are the. The things they wish they could change? The more you can connect and build rapport around the subject, the easier it will be for you to be a trusted source to. For them to be able to lean on and for you to also be able to help navigate them to have self control.
- [17:12]
Delaney Rustin
Do you have anecdotes?
- [17:13]
Cam Adair
A typical kind of mistake that a parent will make is they'll tell their kids that they're addicted to gaming and the reason it doesn't really work is because first it's a bit aggressive. Nobody likes to be told they're addicted to something. Whether or not you feel like you're right. We want to think a bit about how do we actually have influence and how do we encourage people to shift their behavior. Telling someone they're addicted in some cases could even just give them an excuse, oh, I'm addicted, I can't stop. It also causes a lot of shame and stigma, and so it's not really bringing people together. Whereas talking about the behavior that you're seeing, the they haven't gone to school, their mental health is deteriorating, they haven't showered for a few days. Those are things that are much easier to navigate and much easier to kind of hold accountability around than just you're addicted to gaming. Because for someone who's playing a lot, they might be getting a lot of positives out of it, as in being able to escape. And so for them, it's easy to justify continued gaming. My mom is crazy. That's why I'm gaming so much. It's harder to do that when it comes to school or when it comes to hygiene or when it comes to their mental health. So kind of focusing there is really important.
- [18:39]
Delaney Rustin
And of course, being aware of signs of true gaming addiction is important. I've explored this in a past podcast episode. For now, Cam mentions some red flags
- [18:51]
Cam Adair
when gaming starts becoming their life. Where they're not going to school, or they're no longer socializing with the family, or if they're not playing, they're completely irritable and moody and, you know, you just can't be around them. You know, that's a big red flag you want to be watching for. So just remember, gaming can be a part of their life, but if it starts to become their life, you might want to take some steps to help keep it from becoming that.
- [19:19]
Delaney Rustin
It's as much the parents getting help and guidance with the teen as opposed to, oh, your, your kid or your teens a problem, send them off, just
- [19:29]
Cam Adair
fix my kid and everything will be okay. Like, I have a huge amount of empathy for parents. This is really tough. It's hard to navigate.
- [19:43]
Delaney Rustin
It's so clear to me in the work that I've been doing all these years that we need a lot more resources for helping families struggling around these issues. You know, counseling services, family therapy. We also need a lot more out of school opportunities, particularly when that's going to be more safe. After Covid, a new report by After School alliance shows what A great need. This is almost 25 million children do not have access to after school programs. We're talking 50% of kids. And this unmet need is particularly great in underserved communities, particularly those of black students, Latinx and other minority students. It really breaks my heart and I tell Cam my concerns regarding this coming out of COVID where I do fear that unless we're really proactive, we, we are going to, as a society rely on a lot of screen saturation in place of what we really need to do, which is, you know, lots of funding and opportunity for kids to have a huge variety of offline activities. That's my hope that we will turn things around and have a lot more resources. But it's unclear.
- [21:02]
Cam Adair
I share the same fear. And I really, you know, the email I get often is during COVID we've allowed more gaming. We've kind of allowed it to be a thing. And you know, we're hoping that it's a phase that will end when Covid ends. And I worry about that because I just don't know if Covid is really going to end in me the way that we think it might. And also having it been as long as it has, you know, we're looking at like almost a year of people developing completely new lifestyles and completely new habits and ways of being. And those habits aren't exactly very easy to just shift just because it's a bit easier to go outside now. And I think that the most important thing that we can be doing is just regardless of the change in circumstances and lifestyle that we have to still try to maintain a core lifestyle of the healthy habits in our life that really help us have a positive, well being, a positive mental health, I guess. Finally I'll say there's a member of ours, his name is Andrew and he was 17 years old. He sent me an email and he had been gaming too much and he had been lying to his parents and it just wasn't making him feel very good. So he decided to stop and he committed to not gaming for 90 days. And what's amazing about this story is that instead of gaming, he picked up his family's camera and he just instantly connected with it and found a passion for photography. Since then, he's traveled all over the world taking photos. He's been mentored by a National Geographic photographer. And really the truth of this is that throughout his life, the family camera was always there. He just had never picked it up because he was always gaming. And then when he picked up the camera, he discovered what his calling is. He discovered his natural talent and his biggest passion. And all it took was him kind of taking a break to do something else and kind of the opportunity was there all the time. I feel the same way about DJing. I loved to play music growing up. I loved to find new songs and I just had never tried because I was gaming all the time. And when I stopped gaming, I picked up a set of DJ decks. I, you know, got some money with me and a couple roommates we had. We pooled money together for whatever we could and we started to learn and discovered, you know, the passion.
- [23:57]
Delaney Rustin
I asked Cam for his final advice to parents.
- [24:00]
Cam Adair
Be open minded about your parenting style and trying new things and being willing to really stay in the marathon. Because gaming is something that is going to always be there in some way and especially if, you know, your kids are having friends and, you know, they're maybe doing online school now. Like, technology is something you have to navigate and so just being willing to learn and develop new parenting skills is crucial.
- [24:29]
Delaney Rustin
This has just been so fabulous talking with you. I can't thank you enough.
- [24:33]
Cam Adair
Yeah, thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
- [24:39]
Delaney Rustin
What a gift that you chose to tune into the show today. The Screenagers movement is all about doing this work together. Make sure to subscribe to the podcast to get each episode automatically. And the more subscribers, the easier it is for others to find us. And if you give it some stars, that helps even more. Check out screenagersmovie.com to get resources for each episode to learn about our four Screenagers movies and to find my weekly parenting blog, TechTalk Tuesdays. Curious about a specific topic? Use the search bar to get answers from our many blogs and podcast episodes. Finally, I love hearing from you, so email me@delaneygreenagersmovie.com what ideas do you have for future episodes? Today's show was produced by the following people. Me, your host, Delaney Reston, Lisa Tabb, Rebecca Tolan and Robbie Carver.