Talking to Your Teen About Sex: Advice for Parents (encore)

Summary

Podcast Summary

Parenting in the Screen Age - The Screenagers Podcast

Episode: Talking to Your Teen About Sex: Advice for Parents (Encore)
Host: Delaney Rustin, MD
Guest: Dr. Laura Kastner (Clinical Psychologist and Author)
Date: January 26, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode tackles one of the most challenging conversations parents face in the digital era: talking to teens about sex, consent, pornography, and physical intimacy. Dr. Laura Kastner, a renowned psychologist specializing in adolescent development and communication, joins Dr. Delaney Rustin to share honest strategies for overcoming discomfort, building trust, and becoming an “askable” parent in the screen age. They cover how to initiate conversations, approach awkwardness with humility, the impact of online influences (including pornography and social media), and the complex intersections of sex, alcohol, and consent.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Why These Conversations Matter

• Teens Want Parents to Talk, Even When They Pretend Otherwise
  • Dr. Kastner shares research and focus group findings that teens “act like we don't want you to talk…we're going to shrug, we're going to be so negative with you, but we want you to talk to us” (Dr. Kastner, 00:00).
  • Many parents delay these conversations out of discomfort, but avoidance leaves teens vulnerable to misinformation from media, peers, and the internet.
• Digital World Expands the Scope and Urgency
  • Exposure to porn, sexualized media, social media trends (e.g., choking during sex), and tech-fueled rumors create new norms and risks for teens (Rustin, 01:03).
  • Parents must address not only biology and morality but also screen-based influences, consent under intoxication, and peer pressure.

Becoming an “Askable” Parent

• Break Taboos Early and Often
  • “If you don't prove that you're an askable parent, they won't come to you.” (Kastner, 02:06)
  • The process should start young (naming genitals at age 4, talking about body safety) and continue through adolescence (Kastner, 03:56).
• “Get There First” – But It’s Never Too Late
  • Parents are often reactive, but proactive, small conversations (“little mini things along the way”) make it easier for kids to confide and ask questions later (Kastner, 03:17; Rustin, 03:05).
• Normalize the Uncomfortable
  • “You have to say the words…asphyxiation, anal sex, whatever it is…We call it psychological immunization.” (Kastner, 03:17)
  • Repeated, non-judgmental discussion inoculates kids from “the big toxins out there” like risky behaviors and misinformation.

Overcoming Adolescent Silence

• Privacy, Taboo, and Individual Identity
  • Teens’ reluctance to open up is developmentally appropriate: “Privacy, awkwardness, back to the taboo, making their own identity and the belief that parents don't get them, which is…a developmental thing.” (Kastner, 08:24-08:37)
• Push Past Rejection Signals
  • Focus group teens consistently reported: “We're going to act really mean about it, but we do want you to talk to us.” (Kastner, 05:28)
• Lead With Humility and Respect
  • Avoid “I was your age once” rhetoric; instead, validate their uniqueness and the challenges of their generation:
    • “I know I can't possibly understand fully your situation…Give me a try.” (Kastner, 08:52)
    • “Kids are so tolerant if a parent is humble, and it flips the other way if we're arrogant.” (Kastner, 09:45)

Strategies for Specific Scenarios

• If Teens Refuse to Engage
  • Don’t force the conversation in the moment; instead, ask to set aside a specific time (“I'm asking for three minutes, please”). Use humor to lower resistance. (Kastner, 10:00-12:15)
• Car Conversations and Drive-By Discussions
  • Ideal for delivering key points without requiring eye contact or extended engagement, especially with younger teens (9th–10th grade). (Kastner, 13:13)

Talking Points: Alcohol, Consent, and Legal Realities

• Alcohol and Consent: Realistic, Not Preachy
  • “Remember, consent cannot occur under the influence. It does not count. A yes can be yes tonight and by tomorrow morning it's an accusation of rape.” (Kastner, 13:53-14:39)
  • “Once a person has alcohol, they're not able to be making the decision of consent…even if you say yes, it's not considered legal consent if you're under the influence.” (Kastner, 15:08-15:34)
  • Parents should reiterate that this isn’t just about sex, but also about making out, touching, and any form of physical intimacy. (Host, 16:34)

Modeling the Conversation (Roleplay Excerpts)

• The Parent’s Approach (With Humor and Directness)
  • “I love making dinner for you…I’m asking for three minutes, please…”
    (demonstrating non-threatening persistence and self-deprecating humor) (Kastner, 11:26-12:15)
• Rapid Info-Delivery for Distracted Teens
  • “I know your attention for tolerating stuff from parents is about this big…but I want to be one of those parents where you can talk about sex as much as you want…” (Kastner, 13:53)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Research Insight From Teens:
  • “Kid after kid looked in the camera…saying, we're going to act like we don't want you to talk…But we want you to talk to us.”
    – Dr. Laura Kastner (00:00, 05:28)
• On Taboos and Immunization:
  • “We call it psychological immunization. Our kids are in the world with drugs, sex, violence, risk, and everything related to smartphones, and we want to get there first.”
    – Dr. Laura Kastner (03:17)
• On Parental Humility:
  • “I want parents to be more humble…I would go the opposite from, hey, I was there once. They are unique and they are special...Give me a try.”
    – Dr. Laura Kastner (08:52)
• On Consent and Alcohol:
  • “Remember, consent cannot occur under the influence. It does not count. A yes can be yes tonight and by tomorrow morning it's an accusation of rape.”
    – Dr. Laura Kastner (14:39)
• On Pushing Past Discomfort:
  • “We do such a service when we push past our own comfort zones and bring up these topics. We can't let that uncomfortableness feel like a sign that we shouldn't be doing this.”
    – Host Commentary (17:29)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:00–02:06] – Why teens secretly want parents to talk about sex even when they act resistant
• [02:06–03:56] – The meaning of being an “askable parent” and breaking sexual taboos
• [05:28–07:20] – Research: teens’ advice to parents from UW focus groups
• [08:09–09:58] – Why “just listen” advice doesn’t work and the necessity of humility
• [10:00–12:22] – Roleplay: handling teen pushback and using humor to gain attention
• [13:10–14:39] – How to address consent, alcohol, and sex with 9th/10th graders
• [15:08–16:34] – Deep dive: explaining the law and reality of consent under the influence
• [17:20–18:17] – Take-home messages: doing your best, adapting to each child, and additional resources

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Tone and Language

• Conversational, candid, supportive, and pragmatic
• Blunt but nonjudgmental discussion of difficult topics
• Frequent use of roleplay and real dialogue examples to model parent-teen conversations

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Final Takeaways

• Initiating awkward conversations is essential, not optional; discomfort is not a sign to avoid but a sign of importance.
• Being “askable,” humble, and persistent—using humor and real talk—opens the door for trust and meaningful influence, even when teens act disinterested.
• Regular, brief, and proactive conversations (not just reacting to crises) are far more effective in shaping values and ensuring safety in the digital age.
• Consent, especially in situations involving alcohol, must be stressed as both a legal and ethical standard and applies to all forms of intimacy.
• Each family’s approach will be unique, but striving for openness and respect is universally beneficial.

For further questions and conversation starters, visit screenagersmovie.com and search “sex” or related terms for more resources.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Kid after kid looked in the camera, preaching to the parents that were in the audience for this big educational project they had, saying, we're going to act like we don't want you to talk. We're going to turn away, we're going to shrug, we're going to be so negative with you, but we want you to talk to us.

[Delaney Rustin]

Hi, I'm Delaney Rustin, physician to tweens on up and filmmaker of the four Screenagers movies. And this is the Screenagers podcast. Today we're delving into the intricacies of talking with teens about topics related to making out and sex.

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

Our guest is Dr. Laura Kastner, a renowned clinical psychologist who's an author of several books on parenting teens, including Wise Minded Parenting. In this episode, Dr. Kastner shares her invaluable insights on fostering open communication with young people, tackling challenging conversations with confidence and humility, and the significance of being an askable parent. Please note that today's episode is for mature audiences. Let's get started. Laura, it is so great to have you here talking about challenging conversations in the realm of physical intimacy. Just today I was talking with the dad of a 17 year old and he was saying how he was yet to talk with his son about any issues around sex and he said that he, the dad just feels too uncomfortable. And I'm thinking the scope of things that we need to be discussing with our teens is even bigger than ever. Like everything around screen time, porn online. And I recently did a podcast about young people seen in the media choking during sex and the rate of teens actually doing the same thing, how that's been rising. There's the issue of alcohol and sexual decisions, which is something we bring up in Screenagers under the influence just so much.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

My background research way back was in sexuality contraceptive use among teenagers and there's so much taboo about these things that if you don't prove that you're an askable parent, they won't come to you.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Exactly.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

We could get into deep psychology about why taboos exist. Right. Taboos are good when it has to do with do not have sex with young children. Right. It's great taboo. Unfortunately, it's more global than that in the way it gets registered in the brain. Kids are getting to know their own identity, their own attractiveness to what gender or what kind of morals they have in their own investigations and explorations with their peers. All of the conversation is uncomfortable.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

This issue around choking, all these hard things.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

It's hard to talk about the choking and it's hard to talk about Blackout, TikTok and so forth, but we want to be there first so that we can inoculate them against the big toxins out there. Porn is a great example, and people say, oh, if you have any questions about anything on screens and you're uncomfortable, just come to me. Doesn't work that way.

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

Not at all.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

You bring it up just little mini things along the way, and that gives the young person the confidence to bring that up. If you say those awkward words.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Absolutely. You have to prove that you're an askable parent by talking about uncomfortable things like asphyxiation or anal sex or whatever it is. You have to say the words. Right. We call it psychological immunization. Our kids are in the world with drugs, sex, violence, risk, and everything related to smartphones, and we want to get there first.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

But be there first, though, Laura. That concerns me a little bit because I think I get the idea of it. So start much earlier than we think. That's one of the big issues now, particularly with our tech revolution. But just note, it might not be first, but we can keep on having these little minutes.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Yeah. Once you have screens and social media, you are talking about sex and drugs and porn and violence and get there first is just an idea that we're. Of course it's not first. It's just that most parents that end up talking to their kids about drugs and sex do it in reaction. When stuff happens, we're reactive. And then we might be emotional, we might be judgmental, we might be scoldy or preachy, and then we've lost our credibility to be there for our child. Taboos keep us silent. So that's why talking is so helpful and that we want to think of it like protecting your child, like an immunization. Right. I'm going to inoculate them with this thing that makes me uncomfortable, but it's going to protect them later on and protect me. Being ready to label genitals when they're 4 years old, that's a penis. This is a vagina. The idea is it's much earlier, and I feel like you're a tech. Talk Tuesdays are such a great idea. It's going to be little bits.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Having conversations with our kids, bringing up uncomfortable stuff. Often they don't want to engage, frankly. They're going to be looking stuff up. They're going to be going to their peers, they're going to be learning sexuality through pornography and all sorts of stuff that we know. The data that is a high usage. It's a click away. But I think some parents don't think that because it's so hard that they should be in there once a month, once every couple months, just bringing up a little topic around sexuality.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Yeah. I have to start with an experience I had through the Education department at University of Washington. They knew that I had my background consulting to Planned Parenthood and doing sexuality research. And we did these focus groups where we had boys and girls separate and then together in all these focus groups that we videoed from all schools around Seattle. And we said, okay, what would you like parents to know about how they should communicate with their middle schoolers and early high school? So that the juniors and seniors were experts. And that was our technique to get them talking. And it was one of the most amazing experience because kid after kid looked in the camera, preaching to the parents that were in the audience for this big educational project they had, saying, we're going to act like we don't want you to talk. We're going to turn away. We're going to shrug. We're going to be so negative with you. But we want you to talk to us. You need to talk to us. There were 17 and 18. I don't know why we're going to act really mean about it, but we do want you to talk to us. And they were. Every ethnicity, every cultural background, they're all nodding. One thing that's worked for me in recommending to parents is have parents say, look, I want to talk about this with you. And the kid might say, I don't want to talk about you. I know to live with myself as a good parent. I want to know that. I've talked about the risks of hookups under the influence, which technically is basically could be rape. Right. And I know you don't need to talk about it, but I do. I just need to make sure I've talked about it. And I'm awkward. I don't even know. I had to look up some of this stuff on the web, but I need to talk about that. The kid will have this obligation to turn away and just groan. But they are listening, and I know they appreciate the awkwardness. So lean in. Yeah.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Parenting with integrity to say to our kids for doing the most important job I'm doing on this planet, which is trying to be a better parent.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Yeah.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

There's certain things, and this is one. I just need to have this conversation with you. What I really like also is what we're implying here is that might be a conversation where you're actually just Saying some things. I just need you to know. The law on this is this.

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

And I would add to it.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

I feel for people because alcohol does sometimes is in the mix, and what a hard situation that is because things can turn, even though it seems to be making perfect sense to be sexual in that moment.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Right.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

So I'm always letting them know, too, that I don't see it as easy.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

I want to flesh out two of the points you're making, Delaney. First, if you get an essay about parenting teenagers, they all say the same thing, listen. And it bugs me because I go out in the world like you and the parents are saying, I'm ready to listen. They don't talk.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

What a setup for parents. It makes my heart break. The reason why they're not talking, of course, is Adolescent Development 101. Privacy, awkwardness, back to the taboo, making their own identity and the belief that

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

parents don't get them, which is like an ingrained. Like, it's just a developmental thing. Like the parent doesn't understand and they're often right.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

We say we. I understand. I was young once, and I'm going, oh, don't even. I want parents to be more humble.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Yeah. I almost make fun of themselves. Yeah. I was not. I was a teenager there once. But you're in an entirely different situation. You're a completely unique person and a unique. I would go the opposite from, hey, I'm. I was there once, too, because they are unique and they are special. And if you say, I know, I can't possibly understand fully your situation with your girlfriend, with your boyfriend, with your peer situation right now. Give me a try. And then the parents have to come through with validation of that sounds hard. Or, whoa, that's a big one. Or you're probably the best one to make the decision. But if you want to hash out some options here, I'd be glad. I go for parent humility 100%. Kids are so tolerant. If a parent is humble, and it flips the other way if we're arrogant, saying, look, your judgment, you made bad choices, and I can't believe you did that. When we react in a moment, those reactions are understandable. But then the kids come to me and say, oh, my parent always thinks they're right, and so forth. So I go with humility as a sort of a North Star.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Let's play that out.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Then we can.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Call me Jake.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Jake, I know you're 17. You are. Are, relatively speaking, really old. I get it. And this is the time parent child talks are not on Your priority list. I do want to talk about something that is really keeping me awake at night as you spend so much time away from the family.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Yeah. But I gotta get to. I gotta go do practice. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Yeah. So I've been waiting for a while. Just give me two minutes because it's just something I gotta get off my chest and maybe you can help me with. Okay. Yeah. I want to talk about consent because it's a really big deal and you're out there in your world and do you feel like you understand all the rules and regulations and laws that go with consent under the influence? Do you feel like you get it?

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Yeah. They talk to us about school. I know, whatever. It's like drinking.

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

You're not supposed to like.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

I don't know, you can't.

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

It's just. Okay, whatever.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

I see that you're not really into this right now because you want to go to practice and I. This is so serious that what I'm going to do is just wait till another time that we'll arrange where I can get your attention and your. Do me a favor to sit through a little bit of talk about sex and influence of drugs and so. And decision making. So I'll make another day with you. Okay. Okay.

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

Bye.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Yeah, No, I would not. If a kid is acting like that, I would not do it then. Okay. I would not do it then. You're up against it and it needs more time. And I make a date and they

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

keep putting off the date. They'll do that too.

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

They might.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

But if you come with it with humility and thing I love about 17 and 18 year olds, you can almost make a joke. I'm doing what all parents do. I love making dinner for you. I love providing your life. I love everything that we can do to support you. I'm asking for three minutes, please. Can I just make a date for or maybe 16 minutes. I just. Gee, I'm even making a joke. You don't want to go. All the things I do for you, you can't give me 50. Never would I do that. But I do think if you even make a joke about like you're an old guy at this point, you've been a teenager. What is it? If it starts at about age 11 and every year is seven years like dogs, that you've been a teenager for 50, you don't need me. I know that, but I need you to sit. I use a lot of humor in my therapy and I recommend it for parents because their kids are not little kids. If they're 17 and 18. Exactly.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

No, I like that. And they will give you a few minutes and I like what you're saying. Even though ultimately it's for them, you really need to do it.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Yeah. When I'm in therapy and I treat them with respect as they deserve as a 17, 18 year old, they are open.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Yes. They're more tolerant when of course, we're trying to help parents use the language that we use because we know it's connecting. When we use that language of respect, we see their eyes open.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

An example would be with a 17 year old. I would say, do you think the average 17 year old guy or your friends, do you think they know that a partner can't give consent when they're under the influence? Do you think they know that, that literally they will go to college and if somebody says yeah, let's hook up at 2am cause it's happening so that if they're under the influence that it could be raped, do you think they know that?

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

Let's talk about slightly younger teens.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

I think 9th grade and 10th grade are really hard. I think they're really hard because they're just all the hormones, all the brain pruning, all of the rambunctious ghosts and then the confusion that they've got these big brains that are in like warp speed all over the place with abstract reasoning and hypothetical thinking and fantasy and they're so overwhelmed that for us to have influence on a really deep conversation is much more difficult.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Okay, we're in the car driving home, so we have time together. I'm the boy. And so you go ahead and say how you would have explained it to me. Okay, what do you want to talk about, mom?

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Okay, I'm going to make this fast because I know your attention for tolerating stuff from parents is like about this big, but I want to be one of those parents where you can talk about sex as much as you want. And I know you're going to a lot of parties and I know they're hookups and who knows what. When you're outside of the orbit of my influence, you'll be making a lot of your decisions on your own. And I'm going to ask you to just think deeply about the consequences of whatever decision you make when you go into that back room. Because remember, consent cannot occur under the influence. It does not count. A yes can be yes tonight and by tomorrow morning it's an accusation of rape. So think deeply about your decisions. Ride the wave of urge sometimes and think about maybe not. Because what's going to happen in the morning.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

So what are you saying? If anyone, like, has a beer, like, they can't be with her girlfriend?

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Pretty much. In terms of sexual decision making, a lot of feelings change the morning after. And so any decisions you're making for sexuality in general are pretty big decisions. Depending on how the peer group sees it the next morning, a lot of different things can. Can play out. So think deeply about your sexual decision making. And under the influence, it's out the window anyway.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

What's out of the window? I don't get it.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

Once a person has alcohol, they're not able to be making the decision of consent. So you could be with a girl. They say, yeah, let's go in the back room and rumble. And by the next morning, it could be an accusation of rape. If it's anyway. But certainly if they're under the influence. Consent is not legal under the influence. You're not consent even if you say yes. It's not considered legal consent if you're under the influence.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

That's enough, Mom.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

So mine was luxury here, Delaney. But I wanted to hit a lot, as hard as I could. And you were stunned a little bit. In a very accurate way. You didn't even talk. You didn't even say, shut up. This is creepy. And I don't think they would because I've done carpools with a lot of boys, and there's a joke in my family of how much boys, like, liked carpools because they knew they could ask me anything. My son would just hide in the back. And, I mean, I can name the boys that would say, I learned from Dr. Kassner. Because when you do talk straight on like this, they are very interested. It is not boring. And I was trying not to do scoldy or pre. It was somewhat preachy, but I was trying to hit the information hard. Just deliver the information. I'm going to get in there with, whoa, you better know this. And they could be a little stunned. I'm not sure they'd cognate the whole thing, but I got to get it in there fast, and it won't be the last time.

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

And just to be clear, we're not at all suggesting that in such a conversation, we are saying to our teens, it's okay to drink. Those are discussions that we've covered in other episodes and we will do in the future as well. And to be clear, we're not talking about consent just for sexual. It's consent. Even when it comes to making out, touching lots of things. We often equate consent with having sex, but that's not what we're talking about here in particular for this younger group. Although talking about sex is important with 14, 15 year olds and sex does happen at times at these ages. We have to be talking about these things.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

We touched on a lot today and it was really fun.

[Dr. Laura Kastner]

And it was fun, but it was very freewheeling.

[Delaney Rustin (in conversation)]

I know. So that's just what we did.

[Podcast Narrator/Host Introduction]

I want to end today saying that the take home really is that we do such a service when we push past our own comfort zones and bring up these topics. We can't let that uncomfortableness feel like a a sign that we shouldn't be doing this. I know my work with parents who've initiated talks have resulted in youth feeling like they could trust their parents and come forward and share concerns. I also want to add that each child is different and as parents we can have plenty of talks like this with our kids and still they can really be silent with us. So all we can do is the best that we can and remember that there's a thousand things going on inside young people's brains.

[Delaney Rustin]

If you want some more specific topics than what we talked about today, remember to go to screenagersmovie.com the search bar tool, and put in say the word sex, for example, and you're just going to get so many things to read about and have discussion questions to have more conversations with young people in your life. You're going to get things on porn, so sexting, relationships, hookups, all sorts of things. All of it will really add to the tips that you got in today's podcast episode. A special thank you to the wonderful Laura Kastner. And in the show notes you'll be able to find her website and books and much more.

[Podcast Outro Narrator]

What a gift that you tuned into the show today. The Screenagers podcast and movement is all about learning together how we can best help our youth of all ages, our communities and ourselves best navigate our rapidly changing digital world. Make sure to subscribe to the podcast to get each episode automatically and the more subscribers, the easier it is for others to find us. And if you give it a like and write a review, even just one sentence, that helps even more. Check out screenagersmovie.com to get resources for each episode and loads of other resources. Learn about our four Screenagers films and find my weekly parenting blog, TechTalkTuesdays, and be sure to use the search bar to find many topics you might be wondering about among hundreds of my past blogs. Finally. I love hearing from you, so email me at delaneyqueenagersmovie.com what ideas do you want to hear for future episodes? Today's show was produced by the following people. Me, your host, Delaney Rustin, Lisa Tabb, Rebecca Tolan, and sound editing was done by Alan Gofinski.