← Passion Struck with John R. Miles
Passion Struck with John R. Miles
The Connected Life: Taylor Swift and the Power of Presence w/ John R. Miles | EP 624
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- [00:00]
Richard Karn
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- [00:54]
John R. Miles
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Richard Karn
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- [00:58]
John R. Miles
Terms apply. Available@pocket hose.com terms coming up next on Passion Struck. Picture this. It's midnight. The stadium is empty. Taylor Swift has just finished a three hour set. Thousands of fans, lights, pyrotechnics, every ounce of energy spent. And yet backstage, she takes a quiet moment to FaceTime a fan who couldn't make it sick, devastated, stuck at home. No cameras, no PR stunt. Just one human making another feel seen. That's not charisma, that's care. In a culture that's obsessed with visibility, Taylor Swift reminds us of something deeper. The most powerful way to connect is to make someone else feel like they matter. This is the art of mattering. And in today's episode, we're unpacking how it works and how you can practice it in your own life. No stage required. Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, John R. Miles. And on the show we decipher the secrets, tips and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries and athletes. Now let's go out there and become Passion Struck. Stage Required hello everyone and welcome to to passion struck, episode 624. I'm your host, John Miles, and I am so glad you're here. You showing up each week, each episode is a vote for your growth, your presence, and your pursuit of a life that deeply matters. If you're new here, welcome to the movement. We have built something special inside the Ignited Life, our free weekly substack where we go beyond the podcast with tools, stories and curated playlists to help you reconnect with what matters most. You can find it all@ either theignitedlife.net or by going to passionstruck.com so whether you've been with us since episode one or you're jumping in now, you are in the right place. This month we're in the middle of a new series called the Connected Life, where we're breaking down what it really takes to build meaningful relationships, not just with others, but with yourself. Last week, I opened up the series with a deep dive into inner awareness and how your ability to connect outward begins by tuning inward. Then earlier this week, I sat down with Suzanne Giesman, who shared what it means to live from spirit, not just from strategy, and how deep presence changes every conversation. And just yesterday, Dr. David Hamilton joined me to explore the mind body connection behind kindness, compassion, and how science is finally catching up with what our hearts have always known. But today, we're turning the spotlight to one of the biggest cultural icons of our time and one of the most underappreciated emotional skills in modern life, the art of mattering. Because here's the truth. We're not starved for attention. We're starved for affirmation. We scroll, we broadcast, we perform. But rarely do we feel seen. And even more rarely do we help others feel that way. But Taylor Swift? She's not just a pop star. She's a case study in how focused attention, practice, care and emotional congruence can create connection that lasts without ever needing to impress. In this episode, I'm unpacking the psychology, the leadership, and the micro moments that make her relationships with fans so powerful, and how each of us can use those same moves to lead, love, and live more intentionally. Let's get into it. Thank you for choosing Passion Struck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now let that journey begin. Let's go back to that moment. Taylor Swift Post show Backstage Wiped out from pouring three hours of heart, voice and choreography into a stadium of 70,000 fans. And yet she picks up her phone. Not for a selfie, not for a headline to FaceTime. A teenage girl who couldn't make it, battling illness, stuck in a hospital bed, her Swifty bracelet still on her wrist. That's not prime. That's personal. And it's not an isolated thing. If you've ever followed her, even casually, you know this is how she moves. Quiet acts of attention that make people feel seen, deeply seen. She remembers names. She calls out signs in the crowd. She helps fans pay for college. She writes secret messages into her inner notes. And on every Night of the Eras tour, without fail, she hand delivered her signature 22 hat to one lucky fan in the audience. Sometimes it was a child, sometimes it was an adult. Always someone stunned into tears, always real. This isn't about being impressive. It's about being intentional. Because Swift isn't just performing. She's practicing. Something we rarely talk about, but everyone feels the art of making others feel like they matter. And that more than her voice, her sales, her visuals, that's the reason fans feel bonded to her. It's not just what she produces, it's how she sees them. The glitz isn't the glue, the care is. So let's talk about what's really happening here, psychologically, emotionally, neurologically. Because this isn't fan service, it's human science. Across decades of research, whether it's self determination theory, Carl Rogers work on authentic connection, or Gordon Flett's research on mattering, one truth keeps surfacing. People don't just want to be liked. They want to be known. They want to matter. In self determination theory, three core needs drive human motivation. First, there's autonomy, the ability to act with agency. Second, there's competence, the sense that your actions carry impact. And third, relatedness, the experience of feeling seen, included, and genuinely valued. The third one, relatedness, is exactly what Swift delivers. And it's not just in her lyrics or her fan interactions. It's in the way she remembers names. Highlights fans mid show writes songs that reflect back what people are too afraid to say out loud. She connects through specificity, and people feel it. Then there's Carl Rogers, the father of humanistic psychology. He said real connection requires three things. First, it requires empathy, not just understanding, but feeling with someone. Second, it requires congruence, inner alignment between who you are and how you show up. And third, it requires unconditional positive regard, the ability to see and value someone without judgment or agenda. Sound Familiar. That's exactly what Taylor models again and again. In her music, in her presence, in the way she shows up fully, not just flawlessly. And it works because as Dr. Gordon Flett, whom I spoke to in episode 597, has shown through years and years of research, people who feel they matter experience lower rates of anxiety and depression, higher motivation, especially in adversity, greater emotional resilience, and stronger relational trust. In short, the art of mattering builds psychological safety and psychological safety, that's the bedrock of real connection at work, at home, and in every room you walk into. So let's bring it back to you. When was the last time that you truly felt like you mattered to someone? What did they do? Chances are it wasn't a big performance. It was a small moment of focused attention. A pause, a memory, a question that said, I see you, I value you. You are not invisible. That's what Taylor Swift taps into. Not just fame, but felt significance, not spectacle. Relational safety. And that's not just pop star genius. That's emotional leadership. And that kind of leadership, it doesn't come with a title, it doesn't need permission, and it's not about directing others. It's about impacting them from the inside out. What Taylor Swift models isn't just what academics call transformational leadership. It's what I think of as something even deeper. I call it gardener leadership, because think about what a gardener actually does. They observe, they create conditions. They tend without forcing. They show up consistently, patiently, genuinely, with care, long before the growth shows. And in a world built on performance, that kind of presence, that kind of nurturing leadership, it's rare and it's powerful. Let's look at how it shows up through the lens of what leadership theorists call the four I's of transformational leadership. Because Taylor's been practicing them all along. Let's start with the first idealized influence. Now that's just a fancy way of saying this. People don't follow your words, they follow your example. And Taylor, she leads by living her values out loud. She stood up for artists rights, spoke out about mental health, has taken risks politically, not because it's easy, but because it's aligned to who she is. She doesn't perform her principles, she lives them. And people trust that because Gardner leaders, they don't broadcast their values, they don't. They live them. The second is inspirational motivation. But again, let's keep it simple. This is the kind of leadership that gives people language for their inner world. And nobody does that quite like Swift. Her lyrics don't just land, they resonate. From heartbreak to hope, from adolescence to adulthood. She evolves out loud. And by doing that, she helps others believe their story, too. She's not just telling her truth, she's holding space for yours. That's what Gardner leaders do. They don't just hype. They hold space for hope. Now the third intellectual stimulation. That's not about being clever. It's about inviting curiosity. She does this in everything from her lyrics to her album rollouts, hidden messages, layered meanings, Easter eggs. She invites fans to decode, reflect, wonder. It's playful, it's thoughtful, and it engages. You're not just consuming, you're participating. Gardener leaders. They don't just hand out answers. They create space for growth. And finally, the one that I believe its deepest, individualized consideration. This is about making people feel seen not as a crowd, but as individuals. Taylor's handwritten notes, the 22 hat moment. Pausing mid concert to recognize someone. That's not just fan service, it's soul work. She's not managing followers. She's noticing humans. Gardener leaders, they don't treat people like roles. They tend to them like roots. Now let's zoom out. You don't have to be a celebrity to lead like this. So let me ask you, where can you lead like this? Not with a bullhorn, but with a watering can. Because you don't need a stage to lead like a gardener. You just need to slow down enough to see the people who are in front of you and show them, through presence, that they matter. If you want to understand how Taylor Swift creates connection on mass scale, look no further than her lyrics. Not the production, not the marketing, the words. Because while a lot of pop stars chase universality, Swift does the opposite. She gets specific. She names the street, the scarf, the time of night. She names the feeling. Exactly. And here's the paradox. The more specific she gets, the more people feel like she's telling their story. The power of vulnerability and specificity working together. It's not about oversharing. It's about being honest enough to hit the emotional center. Think about the evolution in her writing. In you belong with Me, she's a teenager narrating longing, compassion, the act of being seen. Then fast forward to the archer. You get a woman reckoning with her inner world. I've been the archer. I've been the prey. Who could ever leave me, darling, but who could stay? That's not just a lyric. That's emotional exposure. Then invisible string, a reflection on fate, memory and timing. It's nostalgic and hopeful. All in one breath. The writing has matured, but what hasn't changed is her willingness to say what most people are afraid to say first. That's what makes her magnetic, not polish presence. And neuroscience backs this up. When we hear someone share a real emotion with clarity, our brains light up, mirror neurons fire. Emotional contagion kicks in. We don't just understand, we feel with. That's the biology of connection, and Swift uses it like a master craftsperson. But here's the key. She couldn't write lyrics like that if she wasn't self aware. You can't reflect emotional truth if you've never faced your own. And that brings us Back to last week's episode 621, when I talked about how inner awareness is the starting point for real connection. Because before you can meet someone else in a moment, you have to be able to meet yourself. That's what makes Swift storytelling so powerful. It's not just well crafted, it's well sourced. She writes from congruence, from emotional alignment, from knowing who she is, even when the knowing is still evolving. And that's the deeper lesson here. Whether you're writing a song, having a conversation, or giving a toast at your best friend's wedding, specificity and honesty are what move people. Not performance, not perfection, but truth. Spoken clearly, courageously and without armor. That's what builds real connection. And you can see this evolution most clearly in the Tortured Poets Department, her latest and most revealing body of work. She doesn't just sing, she excavates grief, regret, reinvention, reflection. The lyrics reveal the ache of wanting to be known and the hope that maybe someone still sees you. It's a poetic masterpiece, not just technically, but emotionally, because you don't write songs like that unless you've done the inner work first. And the more self aware you become, the more you'll find that your words hit home. Because connection doesn't require charisma, it requires clarity. Before we dive into the next section, a quick pause. If this episode is resonating, if it's making you think about the kind of presence you bring to your relationships, your work, your leadership, I want to invite you to go even deeper. Every week in the Ignited Life, I share exclusive tools, stories and practices to help you build a life that's not just productive, but aligned. It's where we go. Beyond the podcast with clarity, strategy and soul. You'll also find curated playlists for new listeners, behind the scenes insights in our brand new Passion Struck Merch line gear designed to reflect the mindset of Intentional, purpose driven living. You can find it all@theignited life or passionstruck.com and if this episode has sparked something in you, consider sharing it. Send it to a Swifty. Send it to someone who leads, someone who listens, someone who's ready to shift from performance to presence. All right, let's get back into it. Because the next piece, it's where all of this comes together. Let's talk about what it looks like to value others, not as strategy, but as a way of life. Here's the thing about Taylor Swift. She doesn't just connect through lyrics. She connects through how she lives. Look at her actions outside the music. She advocated for political participation. She stood up for LGBTQ rights. She's taken on corporate giants to defend artist ownership and voice, not because it's easy, but because it was aligned to who she is. This isn't branding, it's belief in motion. And you see it not just in headlines, but in the tiny human moments too. Take her eras tour every single night, Taylor gives away her signed 22 hat to a fan in the crowd. Not rushed, not routine, a full moment. But in Indianapolis, something extra happened. During 22. She skipped down the Runway to a little girl named Eloise, an elementary schooler standing near the edge of the stage, and she said, the last time I saw you, you were a little baby. She knelt, smiled, and placed the hat gently on Eloise's head. Inside the brim in gold Sharpie, ERAS Tour Indy and her signature. The brim was scented with Taylor's perfume. Later, Eloise's aunt said, I remember looking at Eloise and thinking she doesn't understand the gravity of this moment. And that's the point. It wasn't just about the hat. It was about honor. In a stadium of tens of thousands with one person got to feel that they truly mattered. And that kind of care. It isn't just on stage. It shows up in moments no one expects. Like when she invites fans into her home to secret album listening sessions. She picks them herself, greets them at the door, bakes cookies, sits cross legged on the floor and plays unreleased music while watching her fans faces light up. No press, no audience, no spectacle. Just presence. Just people. And here's what happens. They don't leave talking about the songs first. They talk about how they felt. Seen, included, trusted. That's the difference between spotlighting yourself and shining the light on others. It creates this quiet but powerful sense. We're in this together. It's not just the Taylor show, it's our show. And you don't get that feeling from performance. You get it from practice, presence. Because here's what's real. People know when it's a move. They know when it's a script. We're wired to pick up congruence or the lack of it. And when someone keeps showing up again and again in a way that matches what they say, what they sing, and what they stand for, we don't just hear them, we trust them. That's what Taylor Swift's fans feel, and that's what your team, your kids, your audience, anyone, feels when you lead from that same place. It's not about being perfect. It's about being real and being there. So let me turn this to you. Who in your world needs to feel that from you? Because we all want to be valued, but we often forget how powerful it is to be the one who gives value first. Not to get something, but to give something real. So how do we take this idea of mattering from something we admire to something we actually do? It's easy to look at Taylor Swift and think, well, sure, of course she can make people feel seen. But you don't need a stage and you don't need millions of followers. You don't even need the perfect words. What you need is a moment. Because that's what we all have. Moments. Tiny openings to choose presence over living like a pinball to show someone without a spotlight. You matter to me. And that's where the real impact lies. Not in performance, but in practice. I call these everyday swift moves, simple, intentional ways to create the kind of connection that lingers. Let's walk through a few. First, be specific. When you notice someone, don't say, great to see you. Say something real, like, hey, when you asked about my dad last week, that really stuck with me. Or I saw how you made sure everyone at the table felt included. That was really thoughtful. It doesn't have to be a big speech, just something true. Because people remember when you name the thing, they weren't sure anyone noticed. Second, reflect something back that someone shared with you. This one's simple. You remember the book they were reading and how it's going. You know your sister's nervous about a dentist appointment. Shoot her a quick text in the morning. Or bring up that random thing your kid said a few days ago just to let them know that you are listening. That kind of reflection tells people you're not just background noise. You matter to me. You still do. Third, make the pause count. Put the phone down. Look them in the eye. Take one extra beat before you answer just to let what they said land. That's it doesn't take long and it doesn't cost a thing, but it changes the energy of the moment. It says, I'm not somewhere else. I am here with you. And today, that kind of presence is rare, which makes it unforgettable. And fourth, use your voice to lift someone else up. Whatever platform you have, use it. Give credit. Tag the person who helped you share a friend's artwork, recommend their small business, or just say thanks in public when someone holds the door. You never know how far that tiny gesture might carry, because the spotlight doesn't always have to be on you. Sometimes the most powerful move is shining it on someone else. It's not about being performative, it's about being generous with your attention. Shining light doesn't cost you anything, but it might change everything for the person who's receiving it. And here's what I want to leave you with. These moves are small, but they scale. They ripple, they echo. You don't have to do them perfectly. You just have to do them on purpose. So if you're looking for where to start, start there. Pick one everyday swift move. Be specific. Reflect back. Pause. Shine a light. Because connection isn't built on grand gestures. It's built on the practice of noticing. So let's bring it home. Last week I talked about inner awareness and how real connection starts on the inside. Today we flipped the lens. Because once you're grounded in yourself, you can begin to really see others. And here's the truth. Connection is a loop. The more you know yourself, the more clearly you see others. And the more clearly you see others, the more fully you come back to yourself. That's not just personal growth, that's relational transformation. Taylor Swift isn't just a pop icon. She's a case study in what I call the legacy of mattering. Not because of the attention she gets, but because of the attention she gives. Not because of her visibility, but because of her validation. And that's the currency of connection. So here's the question I want to leave you with. What's one thing you can do today to make someone else feel like they matter? Not to get something, not to prove anything, but just to give something real. That's how it starts. One small move, one moment of tuned in presence. One person who walks away feeling seen. That's the art of mattering. And anyone can practice it. Starting now. That's a wrap. And if this episode stirred something in you, if it reminded you of the kind of connection that you want to create or the presence that you want to bring into your own life. I'd love your help spreading the word. Ratings and reviews go such a long way in helping new listeners find this show. If you've got 60 seconds, leave a five star rating on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. It helps to amplify the mission and it means a lot to me personally. If you're looking for deeper ways to integrate this work, whether in your leadership, your team, or in your organization, I'm now booking speaking engagements for the fall and winter. From keynotes to custom workshops, I'm partnering with companies and communities who want to build cultures of clarity, connection and meaningful impact. You can reach out through johnrmiles.com speaking to get in touch. And don't forget to check out our YouTube channels. We have long form interviews at John R. Miles and shorter clips at Passion Star Clips now. Next episode. You don't want to miss it. I'm sitting down with Dr. Anna Lembke, author of the Dopamine Nation, for a conversation that pulls back the curtain on craving, compulsion and the hidden cost of chasing too much. It's about addiction, but also ambition, technology, achievement, even identity. It's raw, it's eye opening, and it's the perfect continuation of this series on the connected life. Because true connection means learning how to sit with what's real, even when it's hard.
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Dr. Anna Lembke
When people with addiction get into recovery, they get so good. Like their lives are so much better. And I don't know that we see the same kinds of incredible improvements as when we're just like treating run of the mill depression or bipolar disorder. But with addiction, people with severe addiction, when they stop using and they get into recovery, wow. They're often really remarkable people. And there's such a ripple effect because of course addiction negatively impacts not just their lives, but the lives of people who love them and the people around them.
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John R. Miles
So until then, notice more. Connect deeper. Live life. Passion struck.
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