Passion Struck with John R. Miles
EP 749: The Hidden System Keeping You Burned Out (It’s Not You) | Corinne Low
April 2, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, host John R. Miles sits down with Dr. Corinne Low, economist, Wharton professor, and author of Having It All, to unpack the invisible systems fueling our exhaustion and chronic overwhelm. Together, they explore why even when we “do everything right,” we still feel depleted, how modern work and family structures create invisible, unsustainable expectations, and how redefining success and clarity about what truly brings us fulfillment—our personal “utility function”—can help us live with intention and avoid regret.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Modern Exhaustion—Not Just Time Management, But Systemic “Squeeze”

• The Shift in Division of Labor:
  Corinne explains how both men and women are now expected to succeed at work and home, doubling time demands. The old model (“one domain to measure self-worth against”) is gone; now, every domain—work, family, relationships—asks more than ever ([05:26]).

• The Invisible Workload:
  Increased parenting standards: “Parents today spend twice as much time with their kids as parents a generation ago” ([05:26]). At the same time, “greedy jobs,” which demand nights and weekends for corporate profit, squeeze workers further.

• The Squeeze Defined:
  Low’s term for this overwhelming period: “You have this time where your time use is at this peak … but your income hasn’t peaked yet. So you feel squeezed on both time and money” ([44:39]). This “mountain” hits when children are young and careers demand the most.

2. Invisible Constraints & Deals—How We Get Trapped

• What Are Real vs. Perceived Constraints?
  We think our schedules are just “busy,” but “there’s … forces that shape our choices that sometimes people think are constraints, but they’re actually preferences or norms or obligations or expectations.” ([13:18], Corinne Low)

• Evolution and Social Pressures:
  “Being liked by other people was a survival strategy … but right now … your genes sometimes can still feel like it will” ([13:18]). We overcommit out of guilt or fear of social judgment.

• Unspoken “Deals” in Life:
  Whether at work or home, we often fall into “bad deals” where the give-and-take is unfair, especially when responsibilities aren’t openly negotiated.
  “Often you fall into a deal that you then realize … this does not add up. This is a bad deal. … You don’t negotiate it. You just fall into it, and then you open your eyes.” ([33:16], Corinne Low)

3. Depletion, Mattering, and Utility

• Depletion Reduces Our Value to Others:
  “When we’re not getting that energy in, the energy that’s flowing out becomes degraded also. So what we’re putting into our kids actually isn’t as high quality” ([17:03], Corinne Low).

• “Mattering” as a Fundamental Need:
  John draws the analogy: “If mattering is like oxygen … we start getting depleted of it, and all of a sudden it then starts having unimaginable consequences” ([21:54]).

• Defining Utility:
  Dr. Low’s economics framing: “Utility includes taking care of your kids, loved ones … but also going for a hike … I define it as the things at the end of your life you would look back on and say, that is a life well lived” ([22:11], Corinne Low).

4. Pathways Out: Clarity, Negotiation, and “Enough”

• Identifying Your Personal Utility Function:
  Exercise: “Picture your life if money were no object. … It’s revealing … that’s what you are ultimately trying to be maximizing” ([26:43], Corinne Low).
  Use this to “be a problem solver to be like, okay, that’s what I value, how do I get more of it.”

• Warning Signs of Bad Deals:
  “When somebody needed to make a sacrifice or make a compromise, it was always me. … If something feels one sided” or “is leaving you depleted,” notice it early ([37:14], Corinne Low).

• Explicit Negotiation in Relationships:
  Lack of negotiation leads to unfair resource allocation and resentment. Dr. Low urges couples to “really have these conversations about what do you value in life, what’s important to you, and are you getting enough of it?” ([52:47], Corinne Low).

• Practical Solutions for the Squeeze:
  The “squeeze” is temporary—plan accordingly. Don’t be afraid to “invest in outsourcing and giving yourself back time and saving a little less.” ([44:39], Corinne Low)

• “Having It All” vs. “Having Enough”:
  The real goal isn’t the vague ideal of “having it all,” but “having enough of what truly matters and learning how to design your life accordingly” ([00:00]).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“We went from a model of division of labor … to a world where every domain is asking more of us … And is it any wonder then that we’re tremendously depleted?”
– Corinne Low ([05:26])

“If the job can never be finished right, we never get that closure, we never get that sense of satisfaction that we’re chasing. ... I was losing myself.”
– Corinne Low ([08:53])

“There’s real constraints and then there’s these forces that shape our choices that sometimes people think are constraints, but they’re actually preferences or norms or obligations or expectations.”
– Corinne Low ([13:18])

“What we’re putting into our kids actually isn’t as high quality when we are not getting that energy flow in that we need.”
– Corinne Low ([17:03])

“If you’re making a pro and con list, you already know the answer because it shouldn’t feel like that. … When you’re fulfilled, when you’re where you’re supposed to be, yes, things feel hard, but you also know that you have a foundation that’s worth preserving.”
– Corinne Low ([37:14])

“I define productivity as producing utility … So those things that you would assign the greatest weight to at the end of your life, you should be assigning the greatest weight to right now. … Pay yourself first with time.”
– Corinne Low ([54:55])

“To be passion struck is finding those moments each day that would go up on the point board at the end of your life. And I want every day to have those moments for you because every day should count.”
– Corinne Low ([57:29])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [05:26] – Why is everyone exhausted? How work, home, and unrealistic modern expectations intersect
• [08:53] – Personal experience: Corinne’s “never-ending treadmill” and loss of self
• [13:18] – Unpacking real vs. constructed constraints; evolution and social pressure
• [17:03] – Parental depletion: why self-care isn’t selfish but necessary for quality energy
• [21:54] – Mattering as psychological oxygen, and what happens when the supply is cut off
• [22:11] – Defining utility, fulfillment, and value in economics and life
• [26:43] – The “dream life” exercise: using it to clarify core values and priorities
• [33:16] – Invisible “deals” and unfair exchanges at home and work
• [37:14] – How do you know you’re in a bad deal? Early warning signs
• [44:39] – The Squeeze: when demands for time and money peak, and why it’s temporary
• [49:29] – How couples can use time tracking and honest negotiation to share burdens and values
• [52:47] – Escaping default roles and renegotiating fairness in partnerships
• [54:55] – Designing your life for “enough”: scheduling what matters, not leaving it for leftovers
• [57:29] – What it means to be “Passion Struck”: practical and philosophical take

Actionable Takeaways

• Audit Your Life: Use time and values tracking to explicitly see where your resources go.
• Redefine Productivity: Shift from “doing more” to maximizing your utility — what brings lasting value, not fleeting busyness.
• Negotiate Explicitly: In work and relationships, make deals visible; don’t accept one-sided burdens by default.
• Schedule Your Joys First: “Pay yourself first with time” by putting core meaningful activities on the calendar as non-negotiables.
• Remember the Squeeze is Temporary: Invest now (including outsourcing or accepting imperfection) if it buys you more “utility” during demanding periods.

Further Resources

• Dr. Corinne Low: corinnelow.com
• Book: Having It All
• John Miles: thematteringeffect.com | theignitedlife.net

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