What Destroys Relationships and What Builds Them - Part 3

Summary

Podcast Summary: Pastor Rick's Daily Hope Episode: What Destroys Relationships and What Builds Them - Part 3
Release Date: March 7, 2025
Host: PastorRick.com (Rick Warren)

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In the third installment of the What Destroys Relationships and What Builds Them series, Pastor Rick delves deep into the dynamics that undermine and strengthen our interpersonal connections. Building upon biblical teachings and personal experiences, Rick provides practical strategies for overcoming common relational pitfalls, emphasizing the transformative power of forgiveness and love.

Introduction to Relationship Dynamics

[00:41] Pastor Rick:
Rick opens the discussion by highlighting a common phenomenon in relationships: "Opposites attract. And then when they get married, opposites attack." He explains how initial fascination with contrasting traits can lead to irritation over time, setting the stage for resentment if not addressed properly.

Unrealistic Expectations and Resentment

Pastor Rick addresses the issue of unrealistic expectations within marriages and relationships. "How many of you had unrealistic expectations in your marriage? Can I see your hands? Yeah. The rest of you are liars." This candid admission underscores how unmet expectations, both big and small, can accumulate and breed resentment.

He emphasizes that often, it's not the major grievances but the accumulation of minor irritations that can "break the camel's back." Holding onto these small annoyances can transform them into long-lasting resentment, which is detrimental to any relationship.

Common Irritations in Small Groups

Rick identifies several common irritations that can surface within small groups:

• Chronic Lateness: Individuals who are always late and offer lengthy excuses.
• Over-Talkers: Those who dominate conversations without allowing others to speak.
• TMI (Too Much Information) Disclosures: Sharing overly personal or irrelevant details.
• Distractions: Checking scores or engaging in irrelevant activities during group time.
• Dogmatic Behavior: Insisting that their way is the only correct way, stifling open discussion.
• Insensitive Joking: Turning every statement into a joke or wisecrack.
• Forgetfulness: Consistently forgetting shared responsibilities, like bringing guacamole.

Rick humorously refers to some individuals as "heavenly sandpaper" or EGRs (Extra Grace Required), reminding listeners that these situations call for patience and understanding.

Handling Irritations: Two-Pronged Approach

To manage these irritations effectively, Pastor Rick suggests a two-pronged approach:

1. Prayer for Love and Patience:
   [08:00] Pastor Rick:
   "Ask God to fill you with so much love that their irritation doesn't bug you anymore."
   Recognizing that small groups are not just for learning content but also for developing relational skills, Rick advocates for seeking divine assistance to foster love and patience within the group.

2. Direct Communication:
   [09:30] Pastor Rick:
   "Go to that person and talk to the offender personally. In love, you say, you know, it may be me, but I've noticed you're a jerk. No, just kidding."
   He advises addressing issues directly with the individual involved in a loving and honest manner, rather than harboring resentment or gossiping with others, which can lead to deeper relational fractures.

Anger vs. Resentment

Rick makes a clear distinction between anger and resentment:

• Anger:
  "Resentment is always wrong. There's a right kind of anger and a wrong kind of anger."
  Legitimate anger arises from witnessing injustice or harm, which can be a catalyst for positive change when channeled correctly.

• Resentment:
  "Resentment is always wrong. It's when you pile up anger in your heart. It's frozen anger."
  Holding onto anger without resolution clouds judgment and leads to self-defeating behaviors, harming one's own well-being more than the intended target.

The Role of Small Groups in Preventing Resentment

Pastor Rick emphasizes the importance of small groups in providing a support system that offers:

• Clear Thinking:
  "When you get hurt, you need other people around you who can think unemotionally and more rationally."
  These groups help individuals process their emotions without falling into resentment.

• Accountability and Support:
  [14:20] Pastor Rick:
  "Watch out for each other. No bitterness, that's resentment takes root among you."
  By fostering an environment of mutual care and accountability, small groups prevent the stagnation of negative emotions.

The Power of Honesty and Forgiveness

Rick champions complete honesty within relationships, where even the smallest truths can lead to significant growth:

• Honesty Over Dishonesty:
  "You never grow from dishonesty. You only grow from honesty."
  Encouraging the final 5% of honesty can lead to profound personal and relational development.

• Forgiveness as an Antidote to Resentment:
  "Forgiveness builds relationships, just like resentment tears it down."
  Forgiveness is portrayed as essential for enduring relationships, particularly in long-term marriages, citing Colossians 3:13 to underline its biblical foundation.

Why Forgive? Three Compelling Reasons

1. Personal Liberation:
   "Resentment doesn't work. It only makes you miserable."
   Letting go of grudges benefits one's own mental and emotional health.

2. Divine Example:
   "You have been forgiven by God."
   Emulating God's forgiveness towards us encourages us to extend the same grace to others.

3. Future Forgiveness Needs:
   "You're gonna need more forgiveness in the future. And so you better offer it to others."
   Practicing forgiveness prepares individuals for inevitable future transgressions.

Rick underscores that "resentment turns your heart into a desert," leaving one emotionally barren and incapable of nurturing healthy relationships. In contrast, embracing forgiveness nurtures an "oasis" of love and understanding.

Practical Steps Towards Forgiveness

Rick outlines what forgiveness is not:

• It's not making excuses for the offender.
• It's not minimizing or justifying the hurt caused.
• It's not denying the wrongness of the actions.

[16:30] Pastor Rick:
"Forgiveness is letting go of the pain and letting go of my right to get even."
This shift is crucial for personal healing and moving forward without the burden of past grievances.

Closing Reflections and Personal Questions

Before concluding, Rick poses four introspective questions to listeners:

1. Selfishness:
   "Who do you need to be more unselfish with?"

2. Accountability:
   "Who have you been critical or judgmental of? Have you been unwilling to admit, I was wrong?"

3. Emotional Honesty:
   "Have you been afraid of being real with other people? Is there anybody in your life that you have shared that secret with?"

4. Forgiveness:
   "Who do you need to forgive?"

These questions are designed to prompt self-examination and encourage listeners to apply the discussed principles in their own lives.

Call to Action: Embracing Jesus Christ

Rick reiterates that the solutions to relational strife are deeply rooted in one's relationship with Jesus Christ. By allowing Jesus to "fill you with his love," individuals can cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

He concludes with a heartfelt prayer, inviting listeners to seek a fresh start through Jesus, emphasizing that "all your other [relationships] will fall into place" once one aligns with divine love and forgiveness.

Listener Testimony and Support

In the latter part of the episode, Rick shares a touching letter from a listener named Lauren:

• Lauren's Testimony:
  "These messages have transformed my heart from a bitter, hardened, distrustful place toward not only people, but God to being in a place where I now have joy Daily."
  Her story underscores the impact of Pastor Rick's teachings on personal and familial transformation.

Rick expresses gratitude for Lauren’s support, highlighting the importance of listener contributions in spreading the message further.

Conclusion

Pastor Rick's discussion in this episode serves as a comprehensive guide to understanding and navigating the complexities of relationships. By addressing common irritations, advocating for honest communication, and emphasizing the transformative power of forgiveness rooted in a relationship with Jesus Christ, Rick provides listeners with the tools needed to build and sustain meaningful, resilient relationships.

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Notable Quotes:

• Understanding Opposites in Relationships:
  "Opposites attract. And then when they get married, opposites attack." — Pastor Rick [00:41]

• On Resentment and Resentment's Impact:
  "Resentment is always wrong. It's when you pile up anger in your heart. It's frozen anger." — Pastor Rick [09:00]

• The Essence of Forgiveness:
  "Forgiveness is letting go of the pain and letting go of my right to get even." — Pastor Rick [16:30]

• Personal Transformation through Forgiveness:
  "Resentment turns your heart into a desert. And it dries you up emotionally." — Pastor Rick [17:00]

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For those seeking to improve their relationships, this episode offers both profound insights and actionable steps, all grounded in faith and practical wisdom.

Transcript

[Rick Warren]

Hey, everyone. It's so great to have you with us today on Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. We are going to continue our very encouraging series today called Life's Healing Choices. And in these lessons, Rick Warren will guide us through a deep biblical exploration of how to overcome the hurts, hangups, and habits that really hold us back. So get ready for some practical insights and powerful truths that can lead to lasting change and freedom in your life. And now Pastor Rick with the final part of a message called what Destroys Relationships and what Builds Them.

[Pastor Rick]

Now, the Bible tells us, and even history and personal experience tells us that opposites attract. Opposites attract. And then when they get married, opposites attack. What fascinates you now irritates you? This happens all the time. You see, when you are single and you look out there and you see somebody that's not like you, that is fascinating. You know, like a person who's kind of quiet says, look at that person. How boisterous, how loud, how full of life and vivacious they are. And you find it attractive because it's not like you. And so then, you know, you get in a relationship or you get married, and then after about a year, you're going, do you have to be loud all the time? And it starts getting on your nerves. It starts irritating you. And as I said, you attract and then you attack. I mean, if you have been married at any point in your life, how many of you had unrealistic expectations in your marriage? Can I see your hands? Yeah. The rest of you are liars. Okay, it's true. It's a setup for resentment. Now, often it's not the big things in life that make us resentful. Those can obviously and do. But it's also a lot of little things that just pile up and you just start piling them up. And a lot of little things can break the camel's back. And so we get irritated, and those irritations when we hold onto them turn into resentment. Now, again, since we're all in small groups, I wrote some common irritations in life to be looking out for in small groups. First is the person who's always late. And then they take 10 minutes to explain why they were late in the middle of the group. The person who talks too long, they love to hear themselves talk. The tmi, the Too Much Information person, especially about a surgery of a relative. You know, it's an organ recital. And the guy who has to check the score of the game during the group. The person who's dogmatic and says, this is the way it is. He says, well, I guess the discussion just ended. The person who is insensitive and joking, the person who turns every statement into a wisecrack, he thinks he's a stand up comedian and that the group is comedy club. The guy who forgets the guacamole. You know, in every group there is somebody who's just a little bit off. You know, they don't catch all of the social signals. They're heavenly sandpaper. You know, I call them the EGRs. The extra grace required. Right now, you're thinking of that person in that group right now. In fact, if you can't think of it, guess what? You're it. Okay, so. So if you don't know who it is in your group, it's you friend, because it's real obvious to everybody else. Okay, now what do you do with these little irritations in a small group? Well, you do two or three things. First, you ask God to fill you with so much love that their irritation doesn't bug you anymore. Remember, one of the things that group does is it's not just to learn content, it's to learn to get along. It's to learn relational skills. That's why we believe everybody needs to be in a small group. You don't learn it on your own. You don't learn it sitting here in a big crowd. You learn relational skills. So ask God to fill you with love so that person doesn't bug you. Second, you can go to that person and talk to the offender personally. In love, you say, you know, it just may be me, but I've noticed you're a jerk. No, just kidding, just kidding. You know, you say, you know, it may be me. I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little extra sensitive, but this kind of bugs me. And can we talk about it? You know, you talk too much or, you know, whatever, but what you don't do is say nothing. What you don't do is sweep it under the carpet, hide it, go home and complain about it to everybody else. Talk to everybody else in the group about it, but not that person. No, you don't do that because it quickly turns into resentment. And resentment is always wrong. Now let me clarify something. Anger is not always wrong. Resentment is always wrong. There is a right kind of anger and a wrong kind of anger. When I see injustice in the world, I better get angry. Sometimes anger is a result of love. If you hurt my kids, I'd get angry. That's a legitimate anger. In fact, the Bible says, be angry and sin not in other words, there's a way to get angry and not sin. And there's a way to get angry and sin, but resentment is always wrong. It's when you pile up anger in your heart. It's frozen anger. Now why does God say don't do this? Two reasons. First, when you get resentful, you stop thinking clearly. Your logic goes out the door. Your logic gets distorted, your perspective gets clouded, your vision gets all mixed up and you don't think rationally. When your emotions are involved and you're resentful and the adrenaline's running, you just don't think straight. Not only do you not think straight, you start acting in self defeating ways. The most foolish things that have ever been done in history have been done in revenge or in retaliation or in resentment. And when you get resentful, you tend to do a couple things. First, resentment doesn't work. It never hurts the other person. It only hurts you. It's like shooting yourself with a gun to hit them with the kick of the recoil. It doesn't work. You see, when you're resentful, you're stewing on the inside. You're all upset. They're oblivious to it. I mean, they're on their happy, merry way. Your stomach's tied in a knot and they're happy as a clam. They're not even aware of it. You're not hurting them with resentment. You're hurting yourself far more than you're hurting them. Notice what the Bible says, Psalm 73. Since my heart was embittered, that means resentful. I'm bitter and my soul was deeply wounded. I, I was stupid and I could not understand. In other words, I didn't think straight and I started doing self defeating behavior. God says, I don't want you to do that. Okay, I don't want you to do that. Now one of the purposes, listen to this real important, one of the purposes of a small group is to help you think straight when you've been hurt. Because when you get hurt, you need other people around you who can think unemotionally and more rationally. And you come to a group, you go, you know what, I had this thing today and it was just so I wanted to wring that guy's neck. And they're going, now, did you really want a lawsuit? And have you thought about this? You need other people, you're gonna be hurt in life. And when you start to get bitter and you don't think straight, you need people who are not bitter around you to help you Think it through and keep you from doing dumb things. Does that make sense now? That's what the Bible says. Look at the next verse. Look after each other, okay? That means watch out for each other. Watch out. That. No bitterness, that's resentment takes root among you. That's in your group. For as it springs up, it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives. So when somebody's hurting in a group, you gather around them and you help them and you keep them from getting bitter against it. See, this is how we grow. And by the way, when you see a personality clash in your small group, you don't sweep it under the carpet. You don't pretend like it doesn't exist. You don't ignore the big pink elephant in the middle of the room and keep quiet about it. No, you deal with it quickly. This is how we grow. We learn to be honest in groups. And that's the only way you grow. You never grow from dishonesty. You only grow from honesty. And I have discovered that most people are about 95% honest. 95%. There's that 5% that they're afraid to say to their good friend. And they know they need to say it to their friend, and they know it would help their friend. They. They're just chicken. They're afraid to say it, so they're 95% honest. They almost go all the way, but they don't go. That last 5%, and it's that last 5% of speaking the truth in love that helps us grow up and helps us mature and helps us become more like Christ. You see, the reality is the people that we want to love the most, we often end up resenting the most. Like parents or somebody else. Those we want to love the most, we end up resenting the most. So what's the antidote? The antidote to resentment is forgiveness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness builds relationships, just like resentment tears it down. And if you're going to have a long term lasting marriage that lasts your entire life, you're going to need massive doses of forgiveness. Massive doses of forgiveness. Colossians 3:13. Would you read this verse aloud with me? You must make allowances for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Now, why should I forgive other people? Well, there are three reasons. First, resentment doesn't work. It only makes you miserable. So holding onto a grudge, you're only hurting yourself with your anger, it doesn't help. So you forgive for your own benefit. Because Resentment doesn't work, it just makes you upset. Second, you have been forgiven by God. And third, you're gonna need more forgiveness in the future. And so you better offer it to others. We pray the Lord's Prayer. Forgive us our debts, our sins, as we forgive those who have sinned against us. God, I want you to forgive me as much as I forgive everybody else. Ho, ho. Do I really want that? You see, we forgive because God says you need to forgive for your own sake. You say, rick, I can't do it. I just. I cannot forgive that person. That's why you need Jesus Christ. That's why you need Jesus Christ. Because you can't do it. You're right. You can't do it on your own. Human love runs out. You need God's supernatural love in you. Look at this next verse. Titus, chapter three. Once our lives were full of resentment and envy. But then Christ saved us. Not because we were good enough to be saved. Cause we're not. But because of his kindness and love. That's his grace. By washing away our sins, everything forgiven is wiped out and giving us the new joy of the indwelling Holy Spirit. God puts his spirit of love in my life. All because of what Jesus our Savior, did on the cross so he could declare us not guilty in God's eyes. You need to experience God in your life. You'll never be able to let it go. And until you get God's love in you every day and every moment. Now let me explain what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not making excuses for that person who hurt you. They hurt you and it was real. Forgiveness is not minimizing the hurt it hurt. Forgiveness is not justifying it, saying it's no big deal. It was a big deal. Forgiveness is not saying it wasn't wrong, it was wrong. So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is letting go of the pain and letting go of my right to get even. Now why would anybody do that? For your own sake. Because you are living in misery. The longer you hold it on, some of you are still allowing people from your past to hurt you in the present. And that's dumb. They cannot hurt you anymore. The past is past. And every time you hold onto that grudge, you are perpetuating your own pain. That's stupid. They can't hurt you anymore. The past is past. They only hurt you if you refuse to let it go. You hold onto it as a grudge in resentment. You are hurting yourself. And God says you gotta let it go. You gotta let it go. Forgiveness is the only way to get on with your life. They don't deserve it. Did they deserve it? No. Do you deserve to be forgiven by God? No. But God did it anyway out of his grace and kindness. You see, resentment turns your heart into a desert. And it dries you up emotionally. And you don't have anything to give to anybody else. Your boyfriend, your husband, your girlfriend, your wife, your parents, your kids. You don't have anything to give because you are so stuck in the past, you can't get on with the future. And it turns you into a desert and you're dried up. But God brought you here this morning because he's got some good news for you. Look at the next verse. Here's what God says to you. The Lord says, forget what happened before and don't think about the past. I'm gonna do something new in your life and I will make rivers on a dry land. I'm gonna turn that desert into an oasis. Now, you may have had some relational disasters in your life. Welcome to the human race. Everybody has had some relational disasters. Everybody. What are you gonna do with them? God wants to start something totally new in your life today. And it starts with opening up your life to Jesus Christ and letting him fill you with his love on a moment by moment basis. Let's bow our heads as we close. Let me ask you four very personal questions. First, who do you need to be more unselfish with? Who have you been critical or judgmental of? Have you been unwilling to admit, I was wrong? I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Who do you need to say that to? I was wrong. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Have you been afraid of being real with other people? And you've held your cards close and you've denied your emotions and you've hidden your emotional nakedness? Is there anybody in your life that you have shared that secret with? You're only as sick as your secrets. Who do you need to forgive? You know all four of the antidotes to resentment and insecurity and selfishness and pride. All four of the antidotes are found in a relationship to Jesus Christ. You get that relationship lined up, all your other ones will fall into place. You need to allow Jesus Christ to be the Lord, the manager, the boss of your life. Let him fill you with his love, and you'll start to have great relationships with other people. So pray this prayer in your heart. Dear Jesus, you've seen every relationship I've ever had, the good, the bad and the ugly. And you know how selfishness and pride and Insecurity and resentment messes them up. I admit that I need your help, Jesus, in my life and in my relationships. So as much as I understand, I ask you, Jesus, to come into my life and live through me and put your love through me. I want that fresh start that you offer. In your name, I pray. Amen.

[Rick Warren]

Hey, if you've just prayed along with Rick to accept Jesus in your life, Rick would love to hear from you. Just email rickastorrick.com here's Rick with a very encouraging letter.

[Lauren]

You know, I love getting these letters from you, and let me just read one for you today. It's from a woman named Lauren. She says, pastor Rick, every day when I'm doing my routine tasks or I'm commuting to work, I'm listening to the Daily Hope podcast online. I listen and I re listen and I re listen again to all the messages, knowing the value that they've had on my life. Rick, these messages have transformed my heart from a bitter, hardened, distrustful place toward not only people, but God to being in a place where I now have joy Daily. I've got a joy that is not possible without God. And not only has my life been transformed, I've seen my family's life transformed. Rick, it is through all that God has done and continues to do in this broadcast and through your life and ministry that my family has been transformed. I am excited to say that I'm now a donor to your podcast, starting with this paycheck. I've been so blessed by all you've given to us as listeners that I'm now blessed to give back. God bless you, Lauren. Well, Lauren, by the way, Lauren, if you were my daughter, you'd be Lauren Warren. Thanks for the encouragement. I'm so glad to hear how God is working in your family. And by the way, thank you for your contribution. It allows us to take this good news to other Laurens around the world and other people around the world. Your prayers of support matter. Thank you for listening. And by the way, everybody, God bless you and join me next time as we continue to look into God's word.

[Pastor Rick]

For our Daily Hope.

[Rick Warren]

Hey, if you'd like to support Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, just go to pastorrick.com again, that's pastorrick.com and really, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you so much for your support. Your gift to Daily Hope helps us share the hope of Christ with people everywhere. This program is sponsored by Pastor Rick's Daily Hope and your generous financial.