In this episode, Sachin interviews Dr. Debi Silber, founder of the Post Betrayal Transformation® Institute about her journey from television production to coaching people to post betrayal transformation. She shares the problems that grow from past betrayals relating to emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual issues that remain unhealed until the betrayal is faced and dealt with. She shares examples from life and even from her family life and career. Listen in for insight on how your clients' betrayals or your betrayals may be causing issues for them or you.

Key Takeaways:

[:59] Sachin introduces Dr. Debi Silber, who joins us for a conversation about our business, our emotional health, integrity, and betrayal. [1:42] Betrayal is something we deal with constantly. It likely happened to us many years ago and it currently impacts the way we operate. It may impact our nervous system, our relationships, and the dreams and aspirations we reach for; certainly, it impacts our self-worth.

[2:17] Dr. Debi Silber has developed a very successful business following her passion and her mission, speaking to people about betrayal and the trauma that it causes, the impact it has, and the breakthroughs that can come as a result.

[2:35] Sachin thanks Dr. Debi for being here on Perfect Practice.

[3:34] Dr. Debi followed her gut. She had graduated from college with a double major in TV production and broadcast journalism but she learned that production wasn't rewarding or fulfilling her. Debi didn't immediately give up production, but health was what was calling to her.

[4:32] Eventually, Debi became an NSRD and a holistic dietician with a Master's in nutrition. From there, Debi became a personal trainer. That business took off. Although Debi was eating well and exercising, she realized she was sick. She was anything but the picture of health.

[5:13] Debi studied to become a whole health coach. She learned that the thoughts she was thinking, the stress she was under, and the relationships she had were at the root of her sickness.

[5:30] Debi cut the ties and healed from all of it. That was the beginning of this new health journey. Years later, her traumas from betrayal led her to the Ph.D. program, the studies, and where she is now.

[5:51] Dr. Debi founded the Post Betrayal Transformation® Institute. She is a holistic psychologist with a health and personal development mindset. She is a two-time bestselling author. She has a popular podcast. She gave two TEDx talks. She's been on the Dr. Oz Show.

[6:40] About toxic relationships. Dr. Debi says you're in a toxic relationship when you start questioning and doubting yourself, when you stop believing in yourself and you figure that someone else knows better than you, and when you don't realize your value and worth.

[7:21] Often, it starts with an early betrayal. A child is shushed by his mother and starts to think he doesn't matter. If that's his belief, it will affect his choices, the work he would do, and the people he would date, if it doesn't get looked at.

[9:10] The second of Debi's three discoveries is that post betrayal syndrome has symptoms. It shows up in health, work, and relationships. It can show up as a repeat betrayal. The faces change but it's the same thing. You go from boss to boss, friend to friend, partner to partner.

[9:40] It's not your fault, it's your opportunity: There's a profound lesson waiting to be learned! You are lovable, worthy, and deserving. You need better boundaries in place. Whatever it is, until and unless you get that, you will have opportunities in the form of people who teach you.

[9:56] A repeat betrayal means it is unhealed.

[9:59] The second way betrayal shows up in relationships is the big wall keeping everyone at a distance. It comes from a place of fear. Our trust was so shattered that we would rather keep everyone at bay than risk vulnerability and feel that pain again. That's an unhealed betrayal.

[10:24] At work, your confidence was shattered so you don't have the confidence to ask for a deserved raise or promotion, and you're bitter and resentful instead. Or you want to be a team player but the person you trusted the most, or your boss, proved untrustworthy.

[10:47] In health, people go to a well-meaning doctor, coach, healer, or therapist to manage a stress-related issue. At the root of it is an unhealed betrayal.

[11:06] Dr. Debi founded National Forgiveness Day, September 1. If you're working on forgiveness for the wrong reasons, it backfires every time. Move toward acceptance first, it's an easier reach.

[12:26] Withholding forgiveness only hurts us. In the betrayed community, we feel the rug has been pulled out from under us and we barely have any control over our lives. Granting or withholding forgiveness is something within our control and we are hesitant to give it back.

[12:52] Debi shares a story of the power of forgiveness for an elderly woman with an old family betrayal. She also had digestive issues. She participated in a 21-day forgiveness journey. Two weeks into her forgiveness journey, she healed from her digestive issues.

[14:36] Dr. Debi says 95,000-plus men and women have taken the Post Betrayal Quiz from many countries. Of respondents, 78% constantly revisit their experience, 81% feel loss of personal power, 80% are hyper-vigilant, and 94% deal with painful triggers.

[15:08] Physical symptoms reported are low energy (71%), sleep issues (68%), extreme fatigue (63%), weight changes (47%), and digestive issues (45%). Mental symptoms reported are overwhelm (78%), disbelief (70%), shock (64%), and inability to concentrate (62%).

[15:42] You can't concentrate, you have a gut issue, you're exhausted, and you still have to raise your children; you still have to work.

[15:52] Emotionally, 88% experience extreme sadness; 83% are very angry. Think about what your nervous system is doing when that's happening.

[16:07] Eighty-two percent are hurt; 79% are stressed; 84% have an inability to trust; 67% prevent themselves from forming deep relationships for fear of being hurt again; 82% find it hard to move forward, and 90% want to move forward but don't know how.

[17:01] This betrayal could be from a parent when you were a child or the boyfriend or girlfriend who broke your heart in high school. They may not know, care, or even be alive and you have these symptoms from something years ago. You can heal from all of it.

[17:34] People typically go to therapy, where they feel heard but also retraumatize themselves, solidify their story, and make it who they are. They are stuck with repeat betrayals.

[18:32] Some people numb, avoid, and distract. They use food, drugs, alcohol, work, TV, or more to numb, avoid, and distract themselves. In PBT, people learn to face it, feel it, and heal it. That's how to move through it. You can't move through it if you're numbing or coasting.

[19:03] Some people join a support group and are miserable together. They sabotage their healing because they don't want to outgrow their people.

[19:28] Numbing, hanging onto your story, or seeking people with the same story is like Krazy Glue® keeping you stuck in one spot, preventing you from moving through the five stages from betrayal to breakthrough.

[20:35] We can stay stuck for decades but if we're going to fully heal from post betrayal syndrome to a completely rebuilt space, post betrayal transformation, (Dr. Debi's first discovery), we're going to move through five proven, predictable stages (Dr. Debi's third discovery).

[20:58] We know what happens physically, mentally, and emotionally, at every one of the five stages and what it takes to move from one stage to the next. Healing is entirely predictable.

[21:18] Stage 1 is before it happens. Imagine four legs to a table, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. People lean heavily on the physical and mental and neglect the emotional and spiritual. A table with only two legs topples over.

[21:40] Stage 2 is shock, trauma, and discovery day. It's the scariest, by far of the stages. It's the breakdown of the body, mind, and worldview. You ignite the stress response. Your mind is in total chaos and overwhelm. You can't wrap your mind around what you just learned.

[22:39] Stage 3 is survival instinct. You grab hold of anything or anyone to stay safe and alive. This is the most practical stage. It's the most common place to get stuck. Once we've figured out how to survive our experience, as it feels better than shock and trauma, we plant roots.

[24:25] Because we don't know there's anywhere else to go, but it still feels bad, we start numbing and distracting. This can go on for years and we're stuck in Stage 3.

[25:19] If you are willing to let go of your story, the benefits you're receiving, grief, and more, you move to Stage 4.

[25:31] Stage 4 is finding and adjusting to a new normal. You acknowledge you can't undo what happened but you control what you do with it. That turns down the stress and stops the damage you've been accumula...