I just discovered another obvious truth that I hadn’t noticed.

My various family members are always casually placing the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I only recently registered that they’re constantly giving me new problems to solve, yet they’re never helpful when it’s time to meet my needs.

It’s not all their fault. I have my part to play, too. Pathological giving is a coping strategy.

It goes like this: I know I’m worthless, so you don’t have to invest. I’ll do all the work. I’ll focus on you. Whatever you need. I was trying to earn the right for them not to abandon me.

There’s rarely reciprocity when people dump their problems on your lap and make them yours.

Two Christmases ago, I was at a family function. I saw a cousin I hadn’t seen in 10 years.

And the first thing out of her mouth to me was to fetch something for her like a lapdog.

She wasn’t predisposed. She didn’t need my help.

I was taken aback.

I haven’t seen you in ten years, yet you still want me to fetch something like your errandboy like clockwork?

What did this woman see in me growing up that she felt emboldened to treat me this way after a whole decade?

I did not comply.

Some people are looking for a savior.

And I can assure you that those people are the ones who will scream the loudest that they’re independent and they don’t need anybody.

Unspoken agreements in relationships are so powerful

These are agreements not made with words but with ACTIONS.

To date, I haven’t met a couple with zero unspoken agreements.

Going into any new relationship, it’s so important, at all times, to know where you stop and the other person begins.

If those boundaries are blurred.

Now you’re enmeshed.

They own you.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to help people. The problem begins when you start enabling unhealthy behavior in them.

Some people are VERY entitled.

They don’t mind draining you until there’s nothing left.

Some people don’t just demand saving.

They insist on it.

Ergo, they will not accept a relationship without having someone else take on the role of their savior.

This subject fascinates me…

Having experienced several highly unbalanced relationships before…

I discovered this unhealthy dynamic could be the raison d’etre of the relationship itself…

Without it, that relationship may suddenly fall apart, as it did in my case.

Yet, I’ve seen the mental gymnastics people are willing to play to avoid looking at their own BS.

That same person who wants to be saved sees themselves not as a damsel in distress… but the opposite.

People who see codependency as the primary function of their relationship are usually very unwilling to see their motivations for what they are.

Yet, on the flip side, perhaps there’s you.

Why do you keep solving people’s problems?

Your motivations may not be as innocent as you think.

What you label as help…

Maybe routed in an unhealthy desire for control.

Or validation…

Like you’re a martyr who nobly sacrifices themselves for the greater good of the relationship.

Underneath all of the rationalizations and excuses, you may be telling yourself, I take care of your needs, you won’t abandon me.

There may be a fear that if you stop carrying this load on your back, the other person won’t be there for you.

And ironically, my experience had shown me that when push comes to shove…

When I stopped being a caretaker to grown adults…

I WAS abandoned.

Dum dum dummmmm.

And what if that happens to you? What if you decide that you’re returning all of the problems everyone else dumped on you to their rightful owner?

What if they don’t take it well?

Am I telling you to do something that may cause the whole relationship to fall apart?

Well…

The truth will set you free. You deserve to know the truth. You deserve to know who is being sincere and who is selling you a lie.

If you knew right now that the person you are bending over backward for, sacrificing yourself for… would return the favor by being completely disloyal to you…

You might think twice about cleaning their s**t stains for another 25 years.

Often, people come to you to solve their problems merely because they know you’ll do what they say. For many people around me, I was the most compliant person in their entire circle. They knew me well enough that I would say yes to almost any demand.

This pattern can be challenging to break because you have no idea what it feels like to have someone show up for you.

You may have been taking on the role of rescuer for so long that the thought of someone shining the spotlight on you and giving you all the attention could turn you off or even alarm you.

People get what they tolerate.

There’s your relationship.

And then there’s you.

You can’t be in a relationship without being firmly grounded in yourself.

You might be in a dynamic resembling servitude more closely than a true healthy relationship.

Your job is to show up for you.

Not the other person.

Often the unspoken agreement is, I’ll fix your problems if you fix mine.

If you’re playing this game, you may wake up one day and realize that the other person isn’t keeping up their end of the bargain and you’re going to be PISSED.

If you have been enabling someone else’s entitled behavior, it can come as a real shock when you discover that the person who claimed to love you turns around and abandons you when you stop being their servant.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, as hard as that realization may be, only confirms that they were exploiting you. Your unspoken agreement was merely fiction.

I had this idea that I was in a fair and balanced relationship, but that notion was entirely false.

People who rescue often do not recognize that they are advertising their codependency for the world to see. Long before the relationship shifts into gear.

You’re likely advertising how easy you are to manipulate without even realizing it.

You may think that if YOU aren’t the person who sacrifices themselves…

The other person will not be able to survive.

But stepping in to save other people makes them weaker…

More corrupt…

More entitled…

It’s not a good relationship strategy.

It places you in bondage.

Often, people get used to their corner of the relationship. They think the other person is getting more or less the same experience you’re getting. If dark clouds are on your side, you think the other person’s reality is overcast.

That heavy burden you carry.

It might seem like other people are as committed as you are.

But I never assume someone is committed to me anymore.

I need to see them demonstrate their commitment.

This instinct of wanting to rescue people is still powerful for me.

I would say that I am healed enough to stop myself and allow people to deal with their own problems.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel tempted.

Lucky for me, I’m learning to spot these dysfunctional patterns sooner and sooner.

When you bail people out of their problems, you rob them of the opportunity to grow.

I’ve seen what entitlement looks like.

I have an affluent cousin who has always gotten everything he wanted. Today, he’s such an entitled monstrosity he can’t hold down a job. He’s in his mid-thirties, yet Mommy and Daddy still pay for everything.

Rent…

Clothes…

Car…

Travel…

I can’t imagine what it would be like to be so helpless.

What’s more, this guy is so used to having his way that I’ve seen him become threatening and violent to those same enabling parents when he didn’t get his way.

I used to be the guy who cleaned up other people’s s**t stains.

Now, I’m the guy who lets them know where to find cleaning supplies… and walks away.

Until next time,

Anton

Dancer, Writer, Buddhist

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I Spent Years Solving Other People’s Problems… Then I Got a Rude Awakening