E220: A Partner’s Guide To The Female Orgasm - Pillow Talks

Summary

Pillow Talks Podcast Episode E220: A Partner’s Guide To The Female Orgasm

Release Date: August 7, 2025

Hosts:

Vanessa Marin (A): Sex Therapist with over 20 years of experience.
Xander Marin (B): A regular guy sharing the ups and downs of his relationship with Vanessa.

Introduction

In Episode E220 of Pillow Talks, Vanessa and Xander Marin delve into the intricate topic of the female orgasm from both personal and professional perspectives. Building upon their previous discussions and audience inquiries, this episode is split into two parts: one focusing on women's experiences and another from the partner's viewpoint.

1. Understanding Why Women Fake Orgasms

Vanessa opens the conversation by sharing her personal journey, admitting that she faked orgasms with every partner until meeting Xander.

Vanessa [04:10]: "A main one for me is I felt really embarrassed that I didn't know how to actually get there. It felt like faking was the easier option."

Key Reasons for Faking:

Embarrassment and Lack of Knowledge: Many women feel ashamed about not being able to orgasm and choose to fake it to avoid awkward conversations.
Desire to Make Partners Feel Good: Faking orgasms is often a way to affirm a partner's performance and maintain their ego.

Xander echoes these sentiments, highlighting that men might interpret faked orgasms as personal shortcomings.

Xander [04:10]: "It's like, can't you empathize with that feeling? She is probably having a feeling of, 'I should already know how to do this.'"

Statistics Highlighting the Prevalence:

Vanessa [17:26]: "95% of women said that they've faked."

This staggering statistic underscores the widespread nature of the issue, emphasizing that it's not isolated to individual relationships.

2. Being a Supportive Partner

Xander poses a critical question about supporting a partner who struggles with orgasms.

Xander [12:43]: "What can I do to be a supportive partner if she's never had one, how do I tell her that I want to help her get there?"

Vanessa's Advice:

Reassurance: Let her know that there's nothing wrong with her and that you're there to support her journey without making it a big deal.
- Vanessa [12:55]: "Tell her, 'I'm really glad that you were honest with me about this. I'm here to help you. We're going to figure this out together.'"
Avoiding Pressure: It's crucial to balance support without making her feel pressured to perform.
- Vanessa [14:07]: "Don't put pressure on her. Let her know you're here to support without making it the focal point."

Xander's Perspective:

Shifting Focus from Intercourse: Recognize that intercourse alone might not lead to orgasm and explore additional stimulation methods.
- Xander [19:47]: "Intercourse alone is not going to bring very few women to orgasm. It needs to be intercourse plus more stimulation."

3. Techniques and Positions to Enhance Female Orgasm

Cowgirl Position: Highlighted as the most effective intercourse position for female orgasms due to the control it offers.

Vanessa [34:37]: "Cowgirl is the most common position that women orgasm in because she gets to control the movement, angle, pace, and depth."

Additional Techniques:

Clitoral Stimulation: Essential for achieving orgasm, whether through hands, mouth, or toys.
- Vanessa [34:37]: "Clitoral stimulation really is the key to female orgasm."

Practical Tips:

Comfort is Key: Ensure both partners are comfortable to sustain stimulation without fatigue.
- Xander [23:07]: "Get into a position where you can easily use both of your hands because you are going to need to switch off your fingers."

4. Debunking Myths About Multiple Orgasms

Misconceptions Addressed:

Vanessa [26:22]: "An orgasm should not be the defining factor of an interaction. Orgasms are great, but they are just one small piece of a sexual interaction."
Performing for Multiple Orgasms: Emphasized that multiple orgasms are not necessary for satisfaction and can sometimes lead to discomfort or dissatisfaction.
- Xander [31:03]: "It is absolutely 100% possible for any woman to be having orgasms every time they have sex. It is a learnable skill."

Vanessa's Take:

Personal Satisfaction: Many women feel satisfied with a single orgasm without the need for multiple.
- Vanessa [28:03]: "I feel satisfied by sex. And I wouldn't think that's a bad thing."

5. Addressing Performance Anxiety

Vanessa acknowledges that both partners can experience performance anxiety, which can hinder the orgasmic experience.

Vanessa [33:05]: "Women can feel anxious and feel like it's something that they are supposed to do, something that they need to do, something that they have to perform for their partner."

Xander's Empathy:

Understanding Limits: Recognizes the physical limitations men face, such as the refractory period, and emphasizes open communication.
- Xander [31:43]: "Most men are just, like, so blown away at, like, wait. Women can have multiple orgasms. There's no refractory period."

6. Recognizing Genuine Orgasms

Vanessa's Insight:

Difficulty in Detection: Even experienced partners may struggle to differentiate between faked and genuine orgasms.
- Vanessa [24:41]: "If you're good at faking orgasm, there's nothing you can do to tell."

Xander's Observation:

Physiological Signs Are Not Foolproof: Muscle contractions and moaning can be imitated, making it challenging to ascertain authenticity.
- Xander [25:18]: "She's faking, by the way."

7. Post-Orgasm Engagement

Challenges Discussed:

Loss of Enthusiasm: Post-orgasm, some individuals may lose interest or energy, leading to potential disconnects.
- Xander [49:59]: "After her orgasm, she loses all sense of enthusiasm."

Vanessa's Approach:

Separate Conversations: Address post-orgasm disconnects outside the moment to understand and empathize.
- Vanessa [50:27]: "I would talk to her at a separate time and ask her, like, 'Can you tell me what it's like for you after you've had an orgasm?'"

Xander's Strategy:

Adjusting Post-Orgasm Behavior: Modifying actions based on partner's comfort to maintain connection.
- Xander [51:43]: "If your partner's okay with you continuing, you can continue in a way that doesn't feel disconnected."

Conclusion and Resources

Both Vanessa and Xander emphasize the importance of continuous learning and mutual support in enhancing sexual experiences. They promote their Finishing School course, celebrating its 10-year anniversary, which offers step-by-step guidance for achieving and understanding female orgasms.

Vanessa [53:12]: "Encourage her to sign up for finishing school. It's a groundbreaking, life-changing course that has taught thousands of women exactly what to do to have their first orgasms on their own, with their partners, and whenever they want them."

They also provide resources for partners to communicate effectively and supportively about sexual intimacy, ensuring that both partners feel valued and understood.

Notable Quotes:

Vanessa [04:10]: "A main one for me is I felt really embarrassed that I didn't know how to actually get there. It felt like faking was the easier option."
Xander [12:43]: "What can I do to be a supportive partner if she's never had one, how do I tell her that I want to help her get there?"
Vanessa [17:26]: "95% of women said that they've faked."
Xander [19:47]: "Intercourse alone is not going to bring very few women to orgasm. It needs to be intercourse plus more stimulation."
Vanessa [34:37]: "Cowgirl is the most common position that women orgasm in because she gets to control the movement, angle, pace, and depth."

Resources Mentioned:

Finishing School Course: Learn more at vmtherapy.com/orgasm
Contact for Support: Email info@vmtherapy.com for guides and scripts to discuss the course with your partner.

By addressing the multifaceted aspects of female orgasm—from the reasons behind faking to practical tips for partners—Vanessa and Xander provide a comprehensive guide aimed at fostering healthier and more satisfying sexual relationships.

Transcript

A (0:00)

The golden phrase to say to a woman when you are working on her, exploring her. So when you are going to be focusing on her with your hands, with your mouth, with a toy, because like Xander said, it's not going to be so. Tell her I have all the time in the world for you. As long as you are feeling good, I am happy. So I'm going to happily keep going until you tell me to stop. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

B (0:43)

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

A (0:51)

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hunt hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. We are back today to talk more female orgasms. If you missed it, last week we did a Deep Dive episode getting into all of your questions. We talked about how it's one of our favorite topics to talk about. And we also like when we were doing the original research for that episode on Instagram, we got so many messages from partners, partners of women who have struggled to orgasm asking questions too. And so we realized, you know what, maybe we should do two episodes about this one that's explicitly focusing on questions that women have about their own bodies and what they need to get there, and then one from the partner's perspective. And it felt really appropriate for us to do this because we have been in this exact position. We certainly have, you know, having one partner, yours truly, struggling with orgasm and the other partner not quite knowing what.

B (2:04)

To do, not knowing what to do, not really understanding, not always being super patient and us getting into a couple squabbles about it early on in our relationship.

A (2:17)

So we actually tell the full story of what happened in our relationship in this absolutely free training that we are doing on Instagram. So I actually don't know if by the date this episode comes out I think we will have already done that training. But you could go to our account at Vanessa and Xander and watch the training there and we'll have all kinds of stuff up in our story to get access to it. So go check it out there if you want to see it. But definitely make sure you are over following us on Instagram. Vanessa and Xander Xanders with an X because we're also doing something special for International Female Orgasm Day, which is eight.

B (2:56)