Pillow Talks Podcast – Episode 230: "How to Actually Enjoy Oral Sex (Without Overthinking It)"

Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Release Date: October 16, 2025
Podcast Theme: Sex-positive, evidence-based conversations and practical tips on intimacy and relationships, with Vanessa’s expertise as a sex therapist and Xander’s candid, “regular guy” perspective.

Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the surprisingly common barriers women experience around receiving oral sex, the cultural and personal reasons behind them, and step-by-step advice for moving past insecurity, awkwardness, and overthinking. Pulling from their Instagram community’s real stories and questions, Vanessa and Xander offer shame-free, practical strategies for anyone who wants to fully enjoy oral, as well as guidance for partners who want to better support their lovers.

Key Topics & Insights

1. Common Barriers to Enjoying Oral Sex (07:54–16:41)

• Insecurity About Smell/Taste:

  • Vanessa: “I think it's really important for us to recognize that this is purely because of socialization... As women, we spend our entire lives being told that our genitals are weird, they're icky, they smell bad, they taste bad.” (08:15)
  • Xander: “Since the moment I learned that oral sex was an option, it's something I've been fantasizing about… Like, I love what happens when I'm going down on you.” (09:47)

• Feeling Awkward About Receiving:

  • Women reporting discomfort being the center of attention or uncertainty about “what to do” with hands or eye contact during oral.
  • Vanessa: “Sometimes it does feel a little bit lonely. I'm just here. Just like, what am I doing?” (26:11)

• Concerns About Time, Hair, & Physical Appearance:

  • Worries about taking “too long,” fear of judgment about pubic hair, or body changes after childbirth.

• Feeling Oral Sex Is “Dirty” or Taboo:

  • Internalized sexual shame from upbringing and social messaging.

2. Busting Myths and Normalizing Bodies (08:58–16:41; 21:04–22:36)

• Bodily Fluids & Hygiene:

  • Vanessa: “Your vagina, your vulva, do not need soap to clean them out.”
  • Xander: “If you use soap or any sort of scented products, you're actually throwing off your pH balance and creating odor, which is so ironic.” (13:56–14:15)

• Pubic Hair:

  • Vanessa: “I just don't think pubic hair is that big of a deal for people. Like, when you're giving oral.”
  • Xander: “It's more bothersome to you if I trim it pretty short, because then it feels pokey.” (19:39–20:27)

• Relaxing Perfectionism:

  • Vanessa: “All of us could benefit from relaxing a little bit around sex and recognizing, like, bodies are bodies. Sometimes they do body things. We don't need to be perfectly showered and shaved and sanitized.” (21:04)

3. How to Actually Enjoy Receiving Oral Sex (25:24–34:13, 36:20–36:28)

• Reframing Receiving as Luxurious:

  • Xander: “No. It feels fucking good. Like, I'm like, wow, she's focusing on me... It feels luxurious.” (25:27)
  • Vanessa: “Could it be helpful for some women to channel a man just, feeling like he deserves that? Like, oh, this is so luxurious to just get to be the center of attention.” (33:12–33:28)

• Practical Tips for Presence:

  • Focus on sensation – close your eyes and attend to pleasure rather than performance or logistics.
  • Xander: “Just try to relax and enjoy it and forget about what you're doing with your hands at first. Just enjoy it.” (30:21–33:12)
  • Feedback should be guided by real sensation, not an imagined script.

• What to Do With Your Hands?:

  • No “right” answer – possibilities include touching the partner, yourself, or just relaxing.
  • The most important cue is genuine enjoyment, not performative action.

4. Partner Concerns & Feedback Loops (36:20–41:46)

• Is My Partner Lying About Liking It?

  • Unlikely if they are enthusiastic and proactive. Actions speak louder than words.
  • Vanessa: “If your partner is lying about enjoying it, I kind of think, who cares? Like, if they're willing to do it and you enjoy it.” (38:34–40:15)
  • Most people can learn to genuinely enjoy giving when techniques work for their partner.

• Giving vs. Receiving Is Not "Equal":

  • Xander: “At the end of the day, giving oral sex is not going to be as pleasurable or as stimulating as receiving. They are never going to be equal... But you know what I love even more than that? I love you and me having the best sex life possible. I love you and me... both having a shit ton of great orgasms.” (41:47–44:31)

5. Oral Sex Logistics: Breaking Out of Routines (44:31–46:56)

• Does Oral Always Have to Be First?

  • Vanessa: "No, that is, I think that's one of the best and easiest ways to make foreplay, like, to take it to the next level. You can really sprinkle it in all throughout [sex]." (44:31–45:14)

• Tasting Yourself/Hygiene Hangups:

  • Xander: “The idea is, well, that would be gay… But if you can get over that hang up, it really opens the door to a lot more enjoyable sex.” (46:24–48:17)

6. Orgasms & Pressure (50:30–54:23)

• No Requirement to Orgasm Every Time:

  • Vanessa: “No, you don’t have to [orgasm from oral]. What stands out in this question is 'it takes me so long and then I feel bad.' Sex is not about being perfectly balanced.” (50:30–51:16)

• Ways to Navigate "Taking Too Long":

  • Mixing oral with hands, self-stimulation, or sex toys.
  • Open discussion with partners is key to managing expectations and experiences.

7. How to (Gently) Give Feedback to Your Partner (54:24–58:52)

• It's Difficult!

  • Vanessa: "Receiving oral from your partner, it can be really difficult to give feedback around that because it's really hard to discern what's actually happening..." (54:31–54:49)
  • Technique feedback is harder to give because you can’t “demo” it yourself.

• Three Key Feedback Areas:

  • Pressure, speed, and stroke (with tongue/fingers).
  • Vanessa: “Think about those three variables.” (55:30–56:07)

• Try New Techniques Together:

  • Avoid criticism—frame it as playful experimentation.
  • Tools like the hosts' "Ultimate Foreplay Experience" make this easier: “It’s not about ‘you’re bad at this,’ it’s ‘let’s just try some new things’ and rate what feels good to both of us.” (57:12–58:52)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Vanessa: “We were not born feeling that way about our bodies. We were taught to feel that way about our bodies.” (08:59)
• Xander: “Genitals taste like genitals... it tastes like sex... I associate that with great, positive things.” (13:11)
• Vanessa: “The reality is there's a certain bare minimum of hygiene that's definitely important... but all of us could benefit from relaxing a little bit around sex and recognizing bodies are bodies.” (21:04)
• Xander: “No. It feels fucking good... it feels luxurious.” (25:27)
• Vanessa: “You are the center of attention in that moment. The goal isn’t to stop feeling awkward, but instead, can we replace it with feeling something else?” (33:28)
• Xander: “Technique is important... But it veers into dangerous territory when you’re just looking for a script... You are again short circuiting that whole thing... you’re taking away your own ability to enjoy yourself.” (34:13–36:20)
• Vanessa: “You don't have to orgasm every time, and if you do take longer, there are ways to work with that. We don't want to be keeping score in that way.” (50:30–52:00)

Key Timestamps

• 07:54: Top barriers women report to receiving oral sex
• 08:58: Overcoming insecurity about genital flavor/scent
• 13:09: “Genitals taste like genitals” – destigmatizing bodies
• 25:24: Why receiving oral can feel awkward—how to embrace it
• 30:21: Presence over performance: What to do with your hands/attention
• 36:28: Partner honesty—are they lying about liking to give?
• 44:31: Oral sex timing—mix it up!
• 50:30: Orgasms, time, and not keeping score
• 54:31: How to give feedback about oral sex techniques

Episode Tone and Takeaways

Casual, warm, and unflinchingly honest, the hosts normalize every awkward question, share their personal experiences, and pepper their advice with playful humor (“Play patty cake—just kidding, don’t do that,” Xander at 33:12). The episode is filled with actionable steps and a mission to banish shame around pleasure, body image, and sexual communication.

Ideal For: Anyone wanting more confidence, fun, and connection in oral sex—whether for themselves or a partner.

Resources Mentioned

• Ultimate Foreplay Guides & Four-Week Experience: vmtherapy.com/foreplay
• Deeper Couples Membership: vmtherapy.com/fivekeys

For details, humor, and practical step-by-steps right from Vanessa and Xander, listen to the full episode!