Podcast Summary:

Pillow Talks — E236: Sex with Other People…Around: Our Holiday Do’s and Don’ts
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Date: November 27, 2025

Episode Overview

In this lively, candid, and often hilarious holiday-themed episode, Vanessa (a sex therapist with 20 years of experience) and Xander (her charming, “regular dude” husband) explore the awkward, funny, and surprisingly common topic of having sex when other people are around—specifically during the holidays when couples are often staying with family or hosting guests themselves.

The duo shares survey results, etiquette opinions, practical strategies, personal anecdotes, and crowd-sourced cringe stories from listeners. Their aim: to help listeners maintain intimacy while navigating the chaos and stress of shared spaces, all with the signature “Pillow Talks” blend of wit, vulnerability, and practicality.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Is Holiday Horniness a Thing? (01:51–04:06)

• Surprising Research: Vanessa shares surprising recent research suggesting people feel hornier during holidays, which contradicts her anecdotal experience of most couples expressing a decreased sex drive due to stress, lack of privacy, and family obligations.
• Vanessa: “I was very surprised to see this recent research that people are reporting that they're feeling very horny, even having the most babies in September. The timing of that lines up with some holiday conceptions.” (01:34)
• Xander’s Theory: The hosts question whether being “horny” is about genuine desire or just sexual frustration from being close but not having privacy.

2. What Do People Really Do? Poll Results (05:11–06:14)

• Roughly 46% of listeners feel comfortable having sex at someone else's house (parents, in-laws, etc.) and 50% with guests in their own home—higher than Vanessa and Xander expected.
• Xander: “I thought that fewer people would be comfortable. Maybe like 30, 70 or something.” (05:11)
• The tiny gap suggests being a host or guest makes little difference for most people.

3. Etiquette & Mindset: Is It Okay? (06:14–08:43)

• The hosts agree: Yes, it’s fine to have sex as long as you’re discreet and respectful.
• Roommate Rule: Treat family/guests like “roommates” during shared stay—maintain your private life but be courteous (e.g., keep noise down, use a closed door).
• Vanessa: “Nobody says that you have to be chaste, you know, when you're a houseguest or you have houseguests. …As long as there can be a closed door, then that's fine.” (06:41)

4. Personal Habits & Holiday Challenges (09:51–13:13)

• Vanessa and Xander admit they usually have less sex during the holidays, mainly due to exhaustion, busy schedules, and discomfort with being quiet.
• Xander: “You actually don't like having quiet sex.” (10:37)
• They resolve to take on a “holiday sex challenge” for the sake of research and promise to report back.

5. General Pro-Tip: Maintenance/Vacation Sex (13:50–14:40)

• Keep holiday sex simple—stick to “maintenance” or “vanilla” sex rather than experimenting with loud toys, messy lubes, or complicated scenarios.
• Vanessa: “Don't whip out the new loud, validating sex toy or the new lube that might stain the sheets or something like that. Like, just keep it classic.” (13:55)

6. Practical Tips for Stealthy Holiday Sex (17:18–29:32)

Pitfall 1: Thin Walls & Noisy Houses

Tips:

• Travel with a white noise machine and claim it’s for sleep (18:58)
• Use TV or music as cover (19:24–19:35)
• The bathroom or shower as alternative, if privacy allows (“built-in white noise”) (20:01)
• More kissing = less moaning; moan into pillow or each other’s mouths (20:27)
• Vanessa: “I think we have done that sometimes and that's actually been really hot—to like have to put a pillow over your own face...” (20:54)

Pitfall 2: Small or Squeaky Bed

Tips:

• Favor positions with maximum body overlap (missionary, cowgirl, spooning)
• Recreate teenage nostalgia by “sneaking around” if the bedroom hasn’t changed since adolescence (22:47)
• If the bed’s squeaky, move to the floor—Xander’s version of the “holiday classic” (23:19)
• “Holiday classic” = quiet sex on the floor, per Xander (23:50)

Pitfall 3: General Nerves & Awkwardness

Tips:

• Wait until everyone’s asleep or try early morning (“cockadoodle doo,” see below) (25:53, 35:57)
• Consider car sex (go back to “lover’s lane,” get creative outside) (26:53)
• Always lock or block the door—shockingly common mistake is forgetting (28:02)

Pitfall 4: Evidence

Tips:

• Avoid messes (staining lube, white sheets)—especially on period (28:20)
• Bundle up sheets/towels and start laundry yourself (29:05)
• Never flush condoms (can cause plumbing disasters). Take all trash offsite if needed. (31:02)
• Beware the family dog—numerous stories of dogs retrieving, um, “evidence.” (31:22)

Community Pro Tips from Instagram (35:42–38:06)

• Early Morning Sex: Many find this most private and less suspicious (35:57)
  • Xander: “The old cockadoodle doo… sounds like a great way to wake everyone up with a smile.” (35:57)
• Play Music All Day: Build the “norm” of background music so you can turn it up when needed (37:10)
• Secret Code Word: Develop an “opportunity” signal with your partner to seize private moments (37:31)

Funniest Listener Stories (38:06–43:13)

Vanessa and Xander share vivid, cringeworthy, and laugh-inducing stories crowdsourced from Instagram:

• Disastrous Kitchen Cleanup: Midnight sex results in visible evidence; the host’s father scrubs the (bodily fluid) stain with bare hands. (38:43)
• Pet Interference: A German Shepherd, hearing a noise during guests’ living room rendezvous, attacks the guest in the act. (39:29)
• Son Overhears New Vibrator: Family members (plus the couple’s teenage son) all hear their “holiday cheer.” (40:43)
• Book Club Surprise: Returning book club members overhear a noisy session—instead of shame, they offer words of encouragement: “Oh, to be young and in love. Enjoy your youth.” (41:25)
• RV Shake: Vibrations from morning sex in the bedroom make cooking eggs in the kitchen easier (“The guy said he didn't even need to flip the eggs in the pan.”) (41:41)
• Car Call of Shame: Midwife asks about sex in front of the woman’s mom post-morning session, revealing everything (42:15)
• Bathroom Blockade Blunder: Sister-in-law, desperate with diarrhea, is forced to use a trash can because the couple is having sex in the shared bath (43:03)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Vanessa: "As long as there's a closed door, that's fine…You can think of these people as your roommates." (06:37)
• Xander: "I don't want to have to, like, change up what I do. Well, let's be real, you actually don't like having quiet sex." (10:33)
• Vanessa: "Don't whip out the new loud, validating sex toy or the new lube that might stain the sheets…keep it classic." (13:55)
• Xander: "If the bed’s squeaky, avoid the bed altogether. Just do it on the floor. Make a little sex fort." (23:19)
• Vanessa: "Sex doesn’t have to be intercourse. You can be a lot quieter and have just as much fun using your hands, using your mouths, even masturbating side by side." (24:39)
• On condom disposal: "Pack it in, pack it out… It's sort of like camping." (31:16)
• On family bedding: "Your parents…are notorious for having terrible ratty ass sheets… Those pillows are probably older than I am." (29:44)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:51–04:06 — Holiday horniness research and reactions
• 05:11–06:14 — Instagram poll results about sex as a guest/host
• 06:14–08:43 — Etiquette: Should you have sex as a guest or with guests?
• 09:51–13:13 — Personal stories and holiday sex challenge
• 17:18–20:27 — Practical tips: Noise, TV, white noise, location choice
• 21:14–24:39 — Strategies for small/squeaky beds, creative locations
• 25:53–29:16 — General nerves, car sex, locking doors, evidence management
• 35:42–38:06 — Community pro tips (music, code words, early mornings)
• 38:06–43:13 — Listener stories: wild fails and close calls

Conclusion & Tone

With frankness, laughter, and zero shame, Vanessa and Xander remind listeners that keeping intimacy alive is possible—even when surrounded by family, in-laws, or houseguests. Their advice strikes a balance between being respectful and fun—encouraging creativity and communication without risking comfort or relationships. The contagious humor and relatability make the episode less about sex technique and more about facing the genuinely tricky (and hilarious) realities of being a sexual human in a family context.

Next week: They promise to “report back about how our horn doggery goes.” (43:42)

Perfect For: Anyone feeling awkward, nervous, or just curious about navigating sex during the holidays, or those seeking to laugh at the shared weirdness of family (and the behind-the-doors stories we rarely speak about in polite company).