E241: Sex Fails: Car Hookups, Clap Lights, and Cowgirl Concussions

Summary

Pillow Talks Podcast E241: Sex Fails – Car Hookups, Clap Lights, and Cowgirl Concussions

Episode Overview

In this riotous New Year’s episode, Vanessa and Xander Marin trade in expertise for hilarity as they read listener-submitted “sex fails.” The episode aims to normalize sexual mishaps, remind us that everyone has awkward moments, and create a safe, laughter-filled space for sharing intimate blunders. From melted chocolate mishaps to condom catastrophes, Vanessa (sex therapist) and Xander (her witty husband) deconstruct each tale with empathy, practical advice, and plenty of playful ribbing.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Food Play Flops: Chocolate and Chest Hair

• Story: A newlywed couple pours melted chocolate on the husband’s hairy chest, only to discover the mess is anything but sexy.
• Main Takeaway: Food play looks fun in movies, but in reality, “you’re just spreading it around,” and “nothing would come off via licking without a mouth full of hair.”
  • Vanessa (03:01): “It sounds so sexy, but it takes a lot of licking to get something off, especially something as thick as melted chocolate.”
  • Xander (03:43): “It’s a great idea until it’s not a great idea.”
• Advice: Always consider the aftermath and cleanup required for food play.

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2. Tech Trouble: Clap-Activated Lights Disaster

• Story: A couple installs clap-activated lights, which turn their bedroom into a psychedelic strobe during sex.
• Quote:
  • Xander (05:02): “That could be a thing. Like, hey, you want to make a strobe? How fast can we make them go on and off?”
• Takeaway: Tech can complicate intimacy—anticipate unintended consequences!

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3. Lidocaine Lament: “Last Longer” Condom Confusion

• Story: Removing a “last longer” condom (with lidocaine inside) leads to the wife’s mouth going numb during oral sex.
• Xander’s Medical Anecdote (06:04): Shares his horrifying experience gargling lidocaine at the dentist:
  • Xander (07:16): “Never put lidocaine in your mouth unless it’s for a dental procedure.”
• Advice: Always read the fine print and ingredients of sexual products.

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4. Public Place Perils: Car Hookups & Accidental Audiences

• Story: A passionate car romp ends with several strangers witnessing more than planned due to untinted windows.
• Quote:
  • Vanessa (08:38): “It is safe to say we are very careful where we park when we get too excited.”
• Reflection: Echoes a past infamous “horse story” from earlier episodes.
• Takeaway: Exhibit caution (and window tint) with public sexcapades!

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5. Laughing Fits, Drooling, and Sex Farts – Embracing the Imperfect Moment

• Story: Trying to have sex through midnight on New Year’s, a couple gets derailed by drooling and farting, resulting in unforgettable laughter (but no orgasms!).
• Xander’s Reflection (09:48): “This is what sex is. Weird shit happens. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not funny… can the awkwardness create vulnerability, which creates connection?”
• Vanessa Normalizes (10:46): “At least half of [our embarrassing stories] are about farting during sex… Good for us to normalize too, that farting happens.”
• Theme: Sex is rarely “perfect”—embracing mishaps can deepen connection.

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6. Heating Lube Hell & Tampon Trauma: When Trying to Be Spontaneous Goes Wrong

• Listener Story: After using “the back entrance” due to her period, a woman couldn’t find her tampon; her husband tries to help but uses heating lube, causing “my insides are on fire.”
• Vanessa (19:06): “This is why I don’t like heating lube. Or delay sprays—they can make for unpleasant experiences.”
• Hosts’ Parallel Experience (20:33): Vanessa recounts getting a tampon stuck while dating Xander and the universal embarrassment.
• Takeaway: Mishaps like misplaced tampons during sex are common—and heating lube can be risky!

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7. Parental Catches & Condom Catastrophes

• Story: After sex in a shed, a listener tries to dispose of a condom, only to have it wrap around her car antenna. Her mom sees it and subsequently offers to help her get on birth control.
• Vanessa (24:23): “That’s what you get for littering.”
• Xander (24:39): “The universe really conspired to tilt things in your favor.”
• Theme: Even mortifying moments can lead to positive conversations.

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8. Cowgirl Concussion – Sex Injuries Happen

• Story: A misplaced thrust in cowgirl position propels a woman into the wall, giving herself what she suspects is a mild concussion right before a party.
• Xander (26:47): “How much readjusting… were you doing? He’s gotta be grabbing your ass real hard!”
• Takeaway: Passionate sex can sometimes lead to minor injuries—be mindful of surroundings!

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9. Tooth Gap Trouble: Oral Accident Extreme

• Story: A boyfriend with a substantial gap between his teeth manages to pinch the listener’s clitoris between them during oral sex.
• Vanessa Shocked (27:58): “I have not heard about getting a clitoris caught in between the teeth. That gives me the full-body shivers.”
• Xander (28:43): “He was really giving… He went into that oral sex with some zeal.”
• Takeaway: Anatomy can lead to unique hazards—proceed carefully during oral sex!

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10. The Disappearing Condom (and the Quest to Retrieve It)

• Story: During position changes, a condom comes off inside the listener, initiating an epic search (squatting, “digging to China,” googling, and partner-aided retrieval). Miraculously, no one panicked—and they stayed friends.
• Vanessa (32:38): “That was our first time having sex.”
• Xander (33:02): “You’re either gonna get married after that or you’re gonna, like, friend zone.”
• Themes: Awkward moments early in intimacy can break the ice—or, as the hosts suggest, cement a lasting friendship or relationship.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Food Play:

  • Vanessa (03:01): “We all have it in our head of like, one sexy little lick and it just all comes off. Oh, no. You’re gonna be licking… over and over, and you’re still probably gonna have to use a washcloth.”

• On Embracing Imperfection:

  • Xander (09:48): “This is what sex is. Is weird shit happens … can the awkwardness create vulnerability, which creates connection?”

• On Condom Retrieval:

  • Anonymous Listener (29:33): “We are changing positions, and I realize the condom came off. I think all of us have been there.”

• On Parental Discovery:

  • Listener (24:23): “The condom was wrapped around my rear antenna and [my mom] saw it hanging there full of cum in all its glory.”

• On Clitoris Caught Between Teeth:

  • Vanessa (27:58): “I have not heard about getting a clitoris caught in between the teeth… Full body shivers.”
  • Xander (28:43): “He was getting into that clitoris, which is great… He went into that oral sex with some zeal.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:06] – Kicking off listener fails with melted chocolate on hairy chests
• [05:22] – The clap-activated light fiasco
• [05:57] – “Last longer” lidocaine condom story
• [08:05] – Car hookup in front of a public restroom
• [08:59] – Laughing, drooling, and farting through midnight on New Year’s
• [18:05] – Difficulty finding a tampon after backdoor sex and heating lube mishap
• [24:23] – Shed-sex condom caught by mom
• [26:47] – Cowgirl concussion
• [27:50] – Clitoris caught in tooth gap during oral sex
• [29:33] – Missing condom and creative retrieval tactics

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Tone and Style

Vanessa and Xander blend candid, practical sex advice with big laughs and quirky asides. They often break into playful banter and encourage listeners to shed shame around sex mishaps, intentionally making every story an opportunity for learning and connection.

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a must-listen for those who need a reminder that sex is messy, hilarious, and very, very human. Vanessa and Xander’s reaffirming message: sexual imperfection is universal, connection is built on vulnerability, and laughter is one of love’s sexiest ingredients.

Transcript

[Vanessa Marin]

Newly married. We tried pouring melted chocolate on my husband. We did not think ahead about his hairy chest.

[Xander Marin]

They never do anyone that does this. They never think ahead. Before smart lights. We put clap activated lights in our bedroom. I already know where this is going. When Hubs and I were dating, I was on my period, but we were both riled up.

[Vanessa Marin]

Wait, you're having way too much fun.

[Xander Marin]

People are writing these. We riled up. We are changing positions. And I realize the condom came off. I think all of us have been there if we use condoms at some point in our lives.

[Vanessa Marin]

And he was giving me oral sex, but got my clitoris caught in between his teeth.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Vanessa Marin]

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

[Xander Marin]

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

[Vanessa Marin]

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today we are sharing your funniest sex fails. We did a fails episode, I think a couple of years ago, and we totally forgot about the topic and then just recently realized, you know what, we gotta revisit that because that was.

[Xander Marin]

There are some good ones out there.

[Vanessa Marin]

There were some hilarious stories. I remember one with a horse. Do you remember that one?

[Xander Marin]

I don't. No.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, well, you got you. And our listeners are gonna have to go back and listen to that.

[Xander Marin]

Yes, seriously. We got some remedial listening to do, but we put.

[Vanessa Marin]

Put out a fresh call on Instagram for sex fails. And as always, you guys absolutely delivered. So thank God for that.

[Xander Marin]

Thank you, everyone. Thank you for being human and having sex fails. Because we all do.

[Vanessa Marin]

We all do. It's very true. So we thought, you know, let's. Let's start the new year on Much fails.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Sharing is caring.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, so let's just get right into them. Should we take turns reading? Okay, I'll start first. Newly married. We tried pouring melted chocolate on my husband. We did not think ahead about his hairy chest.

[Xander Marin]

They never do anyone that does this. They never think ahead. All they do is they see sexy scenes in movies. Like, no, Varsity Blues doesn't actually have chocolate. Right. That's just whipped cream.

[Vanessa Marin]

The whipped cream.

[Xander Marin]

That's another. That's another. No, no. But I. I'm Sure. God, there's got to be some teenage movie I've seen with, like, choc. And you're like, oh, hell yeah. That's gonna be so hot.

[Vanessa Marin]

But it's not. It doesn't. It gets in the chest here. Yeah. She wrapped it up saying nothing would come off via licking without a mouth full of hair. This is truly the thing about using food on the body during sex is like, it sounds so sexy, but it takes a lot of licking to get something off, and especially something as thick as melted chocolate. Like, this is not. I think we all have it in our head of, like, one sexy little lick and it just all comes off. Oh, no, you're gonna be licking. You're spreading it around and over and over, and you're still probably gonna have to resort to using a washcloth.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, it's like, think about this practically, because it's like, at first, I mean, I don't know if it's like, if it's actual melted chocolate or if it's like chocolate syrup, you know, like the crappy kind for, like, ice cream sundaes. I'm thinking. I'm thinking your first couple of licks, you know, you're not actually licking anything up. You're actually just spreading it around. And then, yeah, you're gonna be licking it up, but you're just gonna be licking up little bits by bits as it continues to spread and warm and. Oh, God. And it's like, yeah, if you're gonna put on edible food, like, edible food on the body, like, everything you put on has gotta come off. Otherwise, when you move on to the actual, like, real sexy time, you're gonna get it everywhere or they're gonna be stuck in. You know, you put your partner on their back and you're pouring chocolate all over his chest. Like, if you want to have sex after that, you either gotta keep him in that position or you gotta get all the chocolate off, or you gotta make, you know, peace with the fact that you're gonna get it all over you when you hop on top. So, yeah, it's like, it's a great idea until it's not a great idea. All right, we got another shorty before we got into a couple longer ones. Before smart lights, we put clap activated lights in our bedroom. I already know where this is going, genius. Sexy strobe lights. And realize that was a bad idea when they kept turning on and off during sex. I mean, that could be a thing. Be like, hey, you want to. Want to, like, make a. Make a strobe how fast? How fast can we make them go on and off?

[Vanessa Marin]

So funny.

[Xander Marin]

That's hilarious. That's like. That's like when your smart lights are like, yep, you're being too loud.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. Okay. Recently, my husband got condoms that were a last longer condom. Not really thinking about what that would mean. We were having a good time, and I decided to take the condom off to give him a bj, and I figured we'd put another one on when we were ready. Suddenly, my mouth, throat, lips, tongue all started feeling weird. I couldn't swallow. We quickly realized it's lidocaine inside those condoms to make him last longer.

[Xander Marin]

Yep. So.

[Vanessa Marin]

So I'm all numb. We're cracking up. And then the baby woke up from his nap, and it was all over.

[Xander Marin]

Classic. Yeah. Yeah. Again, the. The. The thinking it through. It's like, yeah, what else. What else would last longer be other than numbing on? Also, I. I speak from experience, a different kind of experience here. I just had a procedure done in my, like, for my soft palate to hopefully reduce my snoring, where, like, basically I got a shot with a laser in the back of my throat. And it's an extremely painful thing. And so they try to do their best to numb the back of your throat, which is a really hard area to numb because you can't inject back there. So I was literally given a shot glass of lidocaine and told to gargle it. And that was one of the worst experiences of my life. Actually, the procedure was more painful afterwards, but the, like, I knocked it back pretty good. So I did not taste the lidocaine when I. When I started the gargle, I couldn't taste it while gargling because it's like, you know, below your tongue and all your taste buds. But there is no way to get that out of your mouth without it touching all of your tongue and lips and all this stuff. And it is a horrendous. It is, like, one of the most. It just, like, shocks your brain. It's like, this should not be a flavor that I'm tasting. And then I'm losing feeling. And you're just like. I was just spitting for, like, the next 15 minutes. Like, fortunately, I'm at a dentist's office, so they gave me the little thing that you can put in your mouth to spit into. Like, yeah, she gave me a cup. I spit a bunch. And then I was like, give me that cup back. And she's like, oh, just take that. Just take the little. I don't even Know what it's called? Like take a little sucky thing and spit into that. So I was like for the next 10 minutes. It was horrifying. Horrifying. Never put lidocaine in your mouth unless it's for a dental procedure. Okay, let's see what's up next. It was late at night. My husband and I were driving in the car and we were both super horny.

[Vanessa Marin]

I like this dramatic greeting.

[Xander Marin]

He pulled off the road and parked at some closed shops and started giving me oral. We were both fully naked and going at it. When I realized he had pulled in front of a public bathroom. There were multiple people coming out and walking straight past us in the car. I suddenly grabbed my clothes clothes and my husband covered himself. Our car windows are not tinted and I think a few strangers saw a lot more than they should have that night. Lol. We laughed about it on the ride home, but it is safe to say we are very careful where we park when we get too excited. Lol.

[Vanessa Marin]

I believe the horse story was a little similar.

[Xander Marin]

Oh my God. Yes. Okay. I couldn't remember if that was a podcast thing or like an ask us anything. I think it was like they pulled off the fellow freeway.

[Vanessa Marin]

You can't spoil it. People have to go back and listen for the horror story.

[Xander Marin]

All right. Yeah, that was a good one. That was a real good one.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, here's our next one. New Year's Eve, and no one in our family made it to midnight. So me and my husband decided we would have sex through midnight. So we get going at like 11:58. A sure fire that we will make it through midnight. So we're going to town doing our thing. And I don't know what happened, but my husband somehow drools and lands right on my mat. So we start bursting up, laughing while still going. Then I get laughing so hard I end up letting out the loudest fart. So then we're basically crying laughing at this point and he pulls out. We in fact did not make it to midnight.

[Xander Marin]

Nice.

[Vanessa Marin]

11:58, they made it to 11:59. Shortest sex of our marriage. And neither one of us finished. But man, we laughed so hard. And it is one of my favorite memories.

[Xander Marin]

See, I love this because this is such a good example for everybody out there that thinks sex is supposed to be perfect. That it's all about like it looking a certain way or the experience being a certain way. Usually for the other person, not for you. Like these people. All kinds of things went awry, right? But. And they didn't even Finish. Like, it wasn't what. I wasn't what either of them expected. But this is one. It's something that brought them closer. Like, they laughed about it. They had fun. It's one of their favorite memories now. I think this is just not to get too serious. Obviously. I've been really not serious up till now in this episode. But, like. But yeah, like, this is what. Like, this is what sex is. Is weird shit happens. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not funny. But, like, yeah. Can we find a way. Can, like, the awkwardness create vulnerability, which creates connection? Like, that's what it's all about.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. I also will say, whenever we post anything about, like, embarrassing stories, so many of, like, at least half of them are about farting during sex. But everybody always tells the story as if, like, I must have been the only person in the world who ever farted during sex. No, during sex specifically. And I just. Yeah. I think it's, like, good for us to normalize, too, that farting happens. Farting happens during sex. Pretty common.

[Xander Marin]

It does. Especially if you're laughing.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

And you're already, you know, a little relaxed.

[Vanessa Marin]

I think you've drooled on me.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, yeah. I was. I was gonna say, I. I don't think it's been like, though. Yeah. No, no. I guess in this case, they were in the middle of doing it. It wasn't like they were making it. Like they were going at it. Yes. I have definitely drooled on you while I've been on top and really enjoying myself. And, you know, like I said, it wasn't a fart, but I was kind of, you know, everything was loose, and I was. I mean, just, like, everything was loose.

[Vanessa Marin]

What does that mean?

[Xander Marin]

Like, I was. I was feeling loose and clearly not paying much attention to, like, what was happening with my mouth. I do wonder if this might have been in. Probably in the era of me, like, with Invisalign and probably at, like, retainer. And was. It was probably early on when I had the palate expansion thing and I was just generating a lot of saliva. Yeah. Good times. Good times. But we laughed about it. And I think we moved on, right?

[Vanessa Marin]

We did. We moved on.

[Xander Marin]

We did. No one got upset. No one got embarrassed. No one felt ashamed. That's what it's all about. Guys.

[Vanessa Marin]

Here's the sad truth. Most of us spend more time picking a Netflix show than we do being actually present in our relationship.

[Xander Marin]

And yet research actually shows that your relationship is a bigger predictor of your happiness more than your Career or money. But there's never been a clear roadmap to deeper connection and lasting intimacy until now.

[Vanessa Marin]

That's why we built Deeper, our membership for couples who want to feel closer, more connected, and more passionate. If your relationship is in a good place, you'll love the quick wins, like brand new date night ideas every month, fun conversation prompts, and even Vanessa AI, your on demand coach that you can ask anything anytime.

[Xander Marin]

And if you hit a tougher season, which is totally normal, then Deeper has you covered with our full library of courses and guides so that you can deep dive into exactly what you need most right now. Think communication, connection, desire, pleasure, or exploration. We've got you. It's like having a relationship wellness plan that actually fits into your real life.

[Vanessa Marin]

It's the membership that we always wished existed for ourselves. Something in between expensive therapy and trying to just figure it all out on your own. So whether you just want fresh ideas to keep things exciting or you need more structured tools to get back on track, Deeper meets you where you are. Because your relationship deserves at least as much care as your Netflix cue.

[Xander Marin]

Curious what your deeper journey might look like? Start with the intimacy quiz, your key to love that lasts. This quick quiz helps you uncover what your relationship needs most right now. And you might be surprised because most couples get this one wrong, you'll walk away with a personalized roadmap, straight to the point, actionable and designed to help you reconnect with your partner ASAP. So head on over to vmtherapy.com 5keys. That's the number five. And then the word keys again. It's vmtherapy.com five keys. And don't worry, we'll also link it in the show notes for you.

[Vanessa Marin]

All right, we have a little story time for you. So last year I was agonizing over what to get this guy for Christmas because he is extremely difficult to get things for.

[Xander Marin]

I mean, you could get me a surfboard every year, but no, I'm just kidding.

[Vanessa Marin]

So I came across this pillow. This is a sex pillow. If you've never seen these before, you use it during intercourse. Changes the angle. And I will say I came across this pillow and I was like, you know what? We tried sex pillows years ago. We went through several different kinds. We got sent like we get sent a lot of sex toys and products in the mail. We try them all, and I just have not liked any of them.

[Xander Marin]

The shapes were more a novelty than a actual functional thing.

[Vanessa Marin]

The. The first one that we got was like purple velour it was hideous looking.

[Xander Marin]

It really screamed sex.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. And what I liked about this one is I was like, you know what? Okay. It's beautiful. It's this really nice linen color. It's very neutral. It'll look totally at home in our bed. Nobody will know. Yeah. Nobody will know that it is a sex pillow. So even if we don't like it, we can at least leave it on our bed and it'll be a little decorative pillow. The other thing that made me hesitate, I want to be totally honest, is this pillow is way more expensive than the other pillows that we had bought before. We'd always found, like, super cheap ones or we'd been sent super cheap ones.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

But when you.

[Xander Marin]

When you pick it up, you understand why.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, but. But I'm. I just want to be hon. Like, I was like, God, that's. I don't know. For a pillow, is that really going to be worth it? But I was desperate to get a gift for this guy, so we used it, and we were immediately obsessed.

[Xander Marin]

Holy shit.

[Vanessa Marin]

It doesn't look like much, but it really changes the angle on some of your standby, like, favorite positions. And it makes some positions possible that we're not.

[Xander Marin]

Makes some positions pop, you could say.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. So we became huge fans of this. We use it all the time. I will say you like it even more than I do.

[Xander Marin]

I do it. Yeah. I mean, the. The changing of the angle, I think is good for you, and it's also great for me. And it also affords you certain views as the giver. Just do that little angle of kind of being able to see more of the action that it really kind of takes things to the next level visually.

[Vanessa Marin]

We are sharing it with you now, which we are super excited about. If you want to check this bad boy out, you can go to vmtherapy.com pillow there might be a little secret discount that you can check out, too. We're going to be working with them some more to give you even more ideas for positions, ways to play with it. So there's lots to come. But I really, really think that every couple should have one of these pillows. And you might be doubtful. You might be looking at this, thinking, can it really be that big of a difference? Am I really going to spend that.

[Xander Marin]

On a pillow it can trust? Let me just tell you right now, trust us.

[Vanessa Marin]

We were just as doubtful as you were, and now we are whole hog.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, we're honestly. We're so. We're. We're honestly so hesitant to suggest Most sex products. Because it's like, well, who knows? We suggest like, you know, is this going to work? Is it. Will this work for everyone? Maybe it'll work for someone, but not for that many people. The quality is not very good. This one is just like 100% wholehearted recommendation. You cannot go wrong with us.

[Vanessa Marin]

So go to vm therapy.compillow to check it out.

[Xander Marin]

Okay. When Hubs and I were dating, I was on my period, but we were both riled up. So we decided to use the back entrance. I'm just.

[Vanessa Marin]

I'm getting a lot of way too.

[Xander Marin]

Much fun reading the way that people are writing these. I would. We riled up. When Hubs and I were dating, I was on my period, but we were both riled up, so we decided to use the back entrance. I like that. Riled up. Wanna get riled up, girl? Okay. No, she doesn't. Everything was fine until afterwards when I tried to remove my tampon and I couldn't find it. I freaked out. And future Hubs said, no worries, lay down and I'll fish it out. He lubes up his hand and starts searching. Within seconds, my insides are on fire. He accidentally grabbed the heating lube. Oh, God. He was able to locate the lost tampon and pull it down enough for me to go to the bathroom and remove it. My. We have been married for almost 17 years and we still laugh about this often. And it's still a big no for both of us on heating lube.

[Vanessa Marin]

This is why I don't like heating lube. I don't like the delay sprays. Like, they just can make for some really unpleasant experiences. But you know what? Speaking about, like normalizing embarrassing stories.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, this one, this one sounds familiar. Minus one detail.

[Vanessa Marin]

This happened early on in our relationship. Wait, wait, hold on. I'm confused though.

[Xander Marin]

Wait, did you submit the.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, wait. No, no, no. They. So they had anal, but then she lost her tan. How did the anal make her lose her tampon?

[Xander Marin]

Oh, I mean, maybe there were some finger. Maybe there was some fingering happened.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, she said I was on my period, so we decided to use the back entrance.

[Xander Marin]

That's an interesting question. Do you know where the tampon goes or do you know what anal really is?

[Vanessa Marin]

Unfortunately, there is lot of confusion for people.

[Xander Marin]

Is there some fingering happening too? Did he get the wrong entrance?

[Vanessa Marin]

Did the like. Would having anal? I mean, obviously the holes are close together, so you're creating a little pressure on your vaginal canal, but I couldn't imagine it would be to the point that sucks. Anal would. Yeah. Like, suck the tampon in mine. I'm so confused about that.

[Xander Marin]

I just. As I read that I totally just, like, blanked on the anal part, because once it got to tampon, I just made the assumption because we've literally had that experience before.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, so what happened to. Yeah. What happened to us early in our relationship was that I forgot that I had a tampon in, and we had sex with the tampon in, and then I realized, like, halfway through. Yeah, like, a couple minutes into it. But I love how you said halfway and then a couple minutes. Well, I meant part way. I mean, part way.

[Xander Marin]

It was. It was like. I mean, this was a situation where we definitely did not finish. It was a. Oh, shit.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, I was like, oh, my. And we had just started dating. We were only a couple months into it, so it was super embarrassing. And so I, like, went to the bathroom. I would not let anyone help.

[Xander Marin]

You didn't tell me. Well, you first. I think you were just like, I gotta go. Like, you, like, made an excuse that wasn't really an excuse, and you were gone. And I was like, what just happened?

[Vanessa Marin]

And I was in his bathroom, the one bathroom in a bachelor pad with five dudes living in it, and I could not get it out. And I was trying everything to get it out, and it was not happening.

[Xander Marin]

What is that? Is there more than one approach, different positions? Okay. Okay.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

I was like. I was trying my fingers. I was trying my toes.

[Vanessa Marin]

I don't remember what, like, did I end up getting or did I have to get you to help me now?

[Xander Marin]

I can't remember.

[Vanessa Marin]

You did end up having to get. You came back, and then.

[Xander Marin]

Did we go to the bathroom? I can't even remember. Did we say, we must have gone to the bathroom.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. I think I let you, like, you got. You were able to reach. Because your fingers are so much longer than mine. They could reach the string and you were able to pull it. And I was like, okay, stop, stop. Go, leave, leave. I'll get the rest of it. So I didn't let you take it fully out. I just let you, like, pull it down a little bit.

[Xander Marin]

Okay. Yeah, my memory's a little lazy.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, this was 18 years ago.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I definitely remember what house I was living in, but I do.

[Vanessa Marin]

I remember about, I don't know, maybe four or five years ago, we shared that story on Instagram. And I had the feeling of, like, this is so freaking embarrassing. I can't believe I'm sharing this. Nobody else, you know, this Must not have ever happened to anybody else. And then of course we get a million messages that were like, you know, yeah, happened to me too. Been there. And that was my little moment of having things normalized.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, but we still need to know how did this happen using the back entrance or is this like.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, you gotta DM us and clarify. I wanna know.

[Xander Marin]

Is back entrance just like we decided to do it from behind? I'm not sure how that would solve anything.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, for sure not. I think she really means anal sex.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, well, I mean you might be the first person to have anal sex and it cost tampon inside your vagina to get sucked up. But I don't know, maybe we got to research this. Does anal sex provide enough somehow pressure that it can pull a tampon further up in your vaginal canal?

[Vanessa Marin]

Let us know.

[Xander Marin]

Well, whatever. I, I do worry slash wonder what actually happened in this situation. But yeah, guys, the heating lube be very care. I mean if we don't recommend it.

[Vanessa Marin]

The ingredients, I've never tried it.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I can't really imagine.

[Vanessa Marin]

They're bad ingredients. You don't want that on your body. Trust me. Okay, here's our next one. My boyfriend, now husband and I had sex in his parents shed on a four wheeler. Oh, I said, I know sexy on the four wheeler. I said I'd dispose of the condom so it wasn't at his parents house. I tossed it out the window on my way home to my parents house. Litterer. My mom was in the garage when I got home and came to greet me. The condom was wrapped around my rear antenna and she saw it hanging there full of cum in all its glory. That's what you get for littering.

[Xander Marin]

Well, you didn't litter. It's actually amazing. Conspired to make sure that you didn't litter from littering.

[Vanessa Marin]

I was mortified. The next morning she said she would help me get on birth control if I was interested. Previously not an option in my household.

[Xander Marin]

Hey, the universe really conspired to tilt things in your favor.

[Vanessa Marin]

This memory still haunts me. Can you imagine like, yeah, just seeing your, your parent come out to greet you and like what? What's that?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

And just that moment of realization of.

[Xander Marin]

Like, oh yeah, you look at it and you're like, oh, I know the mental calculation for a second you're like, what else could this poss. Like, what else could I possibly say that is going to like make this a normal thing? And in this case there's literally nothing. There is no. Oh, someone threw a cum Filled condom in my car while I was driving. Hooligan condom. Hooligans.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

I mean, it could be worth a try. Actually, that one is conceivable, but because it's also. It's almost just as inconceivable that you would. That you would throw it and that it would, like, boomerang around. I mean, I'm guessing. Actually, I'm guessing also, this was.

[Vanessa Marin]

This was a while ago. If you had an antenna.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, I know. I was just talking about this with someone the other day. I was like, remember when our cars had these big old tennis where, you know, like, you go into a parking garage.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

And it bends backwards. But it was made. Made to bend. It was fine. I'm guessing what happened. I guess for all of you on YouTube, you can see this. Like, you. She probably is, like, grossed out by the condom, right? So you're like. Like you're like putting out. You put the window down and you're like. You're not throwing it. Like, you're literally just like. Like. Right. And so then of course, this goes straight back to your antenna. You got to really get some juice into the throw. All right, let's see what we got. Now, my boyfriend and I were having sex, cowgirl position. And I went to readjust right when he grabbed my ass to pull me towards him. And the forward movement propelled me into the wall behind the bed. And I hit my head so hard I thought I had a concussion. Later that night, we went out to my friend's birthday. Great idea when you think you have a concussion. And I had to leave early because my head hurts so bad and tell everyone I had a headache. Not funny part. I really do think I got a mild concussion from it. Lol. Yeah, it sounds like. Sounds like you did. Oh, God.

[Vanessa Marin]

Sounds so painful. Just like smashing.

[Xander Marin]

I mean, how much readjusting were like. Like I'm trying just thinking like, yeah, he's gotta be grabbing your ass real hard.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, you get excited sometimes in.

[Xander Marin]

The middle real hard and. But yeah, I mean, I guess if it's the perfect. You're, like kind of jumping up almost to kind of like. Yeah. Okay, you gotta give me a warning next time you wanna readjust yourself now.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, here we go. I was having a hookup with a guy one time before I met my fiance. And he had a substantial gap in between his two upper teeth. And he giving me oral sex, but got my clitoris caught in between his teeth.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Vanessa Marin]

I've heard a lot of stories in over 20 years of being a sex therapist, I have not heard about getting a clitoris caught in between the teeth. And that gives me the full body shivers.

[Xander Marin]

This is definitely like, like, because you. There's so many, there's so many jokes portrayed about, like, the opposite, like, like blow jobs and teeth, right? And like, you never really hear the. There's not really a, like a flip the genders equivalent to that until this one, which I guess is much more rare because you have to have a certain size gap in your teeth. But, man, he was getting into that clitoris, which is great. Which is great. He was really giving.

[Vanessa Marin]

I can't.

[Xander Marin]

He went into that oral sex with some zeal.

[Vanessa Marin]

Safe to say it hurt. I made my excuses for him to leave. Wasn't feeling it with him anyways.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, well, that's good.

[Vanessa Marin]

And I never saw him again.

[Xander Marin]

Damn. I, I, that is awful. And I, I can, I can understand this because I had a short period of time during my palate expansion where I was getting a bit of a gap in, in between my front teeth. I was doing Invisalign at the same time that I was expanding my palate. So I never had a very large gap. However, if I had not done that approach, which many people do, they will just do the expansion, get a big gap, and then do Invisalign. That could have been us, babe. That could have been us.

[Vanessa Marin]

That is really tough. That pains me so much.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, our last one, we are changing positions, and I realize the condom came off. I think all of us have been there. If we use condoms at some point in our lives, that is a not a fun moment. We lay, we look around. The sheets don't see it. So I say, one moment. Let me look for that.

[Vanessa Marin]

I don't understand your voices today.

[Xander Marin]

I lay on my back and start digging inside me, but I can't find it. We look around some more and still don't see it. Is this a Something about Mary situation is gonna be like in his hair. I go digging again. Still no luck. I love that.

[Vanessa Marin]

She's just like, one moment. Let me look for that. Just staying right there.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I mean, you could have, you could have handled the, the tampon situation that way.

[Vanessa Marin]

This woman was comfortable.

[Xander Marin]

This woman was like, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna dig. More power to her. Yeah, I'm gonna dig. Turn, you know, she turned away, I guess. She says, your hands are bigger than mine. You're up. He starts digging inside me, and still no condom to be found. I'm like, okay, this is ridiculous. Not sure how this came to mind, but I say, well, one of my friends had to squat to get her babies out, so maybe I need to do that.

[Vanessa Marin]

You get desperate when something is stuck inside of you. I for sure. When I was in the bathroom at your apartment, I for sure got full squat.

[Xander Marin]

Were you like, oh, gravity. Let gravity do the work on this.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, I'm like, I know these, these.

[Xander Marin]

Muscles are strong on this, like, essentially weightless condom.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yes. Yes. You're gonna try anything.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. So there I am, squatting my ass to the floor, digging to China. Still no condom. I say, okay, man, Google it. I'm not waiting for this thing to come out later and get a yeast infection or something. So he googles it. And sure enough, squatting was the right thing to do, but also to bear down and push at the same time. So here I am squatting on the floor, he is on his back, digging inside of me. Oh, my God. This is. This is great. Okay. He says, you need to push me. Saying, I am between me pushing and pushing upward. I have so much pressure inside me, and I think to myself, omg, this is why women during childbirth. I put one in my hand. I put one of my hands on my ass and think to myself, please don't on his carpet. Please don't on his carpet. Wait, what?

[Vanessa Marin]

Like, why is she putting the hand on her ass?

[Xander Marin]

Wouldn't it be like, please don't on this guy's face? He's literally lying underneath her.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, my God. He finds the condom. Hallelujah. Wow. I. I totally thought there was a solid chance that there was a plot twist, like the condom somehow was somewhere else and that all this was for not. Hallelujah. Then I turn to him and say, okay, man, I think we handled that situation well. We're cool. Yep. That was our first time having sex.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh, my God, their first time.

[Xander Marin]

We had just met a couple weeks before that. Hey, at least it wasn't like a one night stand. Haha. We stayed friends and joked about it all the time. Wow, that's like, you're either gonna get married after that or you're gonna, like, friend zone. What if, like, that had happened our first time, babe? Do you think we would have made it?

[Vanessa Marin]

I think so.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

I think we would have. We would have been able to laugh it off.

[Xander Marin]

A vote of confidence. I like it.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. All right, well, fast and furious episode. But I hope that made you laugh. Hope it was a nice little start to the new year. That is all for us today. Thanks so much for listening and join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.