Pillow Talks, Episode 243: Your Biggest Marriage Regrets (And How To Prevent Them)
Vanessa & Xander Marin | January 15, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Vanessa, a seasoned sex therapist, and her husband Xander, your honest, nerdy “regular dude” co-host, dive deeply into a subject many couples privately worry about but rarely discuss openly: marriage regrets. They read listener stories and Reddit confessions revealing people's most significant marital mistakes—ranging from sexual incompatibility to neglecting fun and individuality—and provide insight on how to avoid or address these regrets. The tone is warm, candid, and empathetic, with Vanessa & Xander sharing their own experiences, practical steps for repair, and plenty of validating “you’re not alone” moments.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Talk About Marriage Regrets?

• Normalization: Vanessa emphasizes that “making mistakes and having regrets” is a universal part of relationships, not a sign your marriage is doomed (02:51).
• Learning from Others: By exploring real stories from listeners and Reddit, the episode aims to help listeners identify and avoid common relationship pitfalls.
• Deal-breakers Exist: Xander honestly addresses that some issues do become deal-breakers, and it’s healthy to recognize when a situation can't be repaired (02:13).

2. Regret #1: Not Setting Healthy Boundaries with My Partner’s Family

• Story Highlight: A listener shares about feeling undervalued as his wife continually sides with her family, even after episodes of disrespect and public embarrassment (08:23).
• Core Issue: Vanessa outlines the “blood family vs new nuclear family” values divide, noting how most couples don’t discuss this early enough (10:30).
• Deal-Breaker Potential: Xander argues, “this is not going to get better unless he makes an ultimatum...I doubt his partner is going to be like, oh, okay, yeah, sure, now I’ll change” (12:55).
• Therapist’s Take: The hosts suggest that understanding may be possible, but change is unlikely once values are deeply held, especially if disrespect persists (13:17).
• Notable Quote: Vanessa: “When you marry somebody, you marry their family too. This is...a lifelong dynamic.” (13:17)

3. Regret #2: Letting Rejection—Real or Imagined—Shut Me Down Sexually

• Story Highlight: A woman feels undesired after two years without sex and repeated rejections, causing her to lose her sense of sexuality and self (15:58).
• Processing Rejection: Vanessa cautions that rejection is an inevitable part of long-term relationships. The key is not letting it erode your sense of desirability (17:10).
• Danger of Withholding: Xander warns against turning lack of initiation into a “test,” which only builds resentment and misunderstanding (19:35).
• Therapist’s Take: Couples should have real, honest conversations before things fester: “Before you get to that point, we gotta have the conversation because that’s… when the whole story in your head just runs rampant” (19:35).
• Notable Quote: Vanessa: "You have to separate your own desirability, lovability, attractiveness, sexuality from your partner's response to it." (17:09)

4. Regret #3: Not Investing in My Own Individual Life and Needs

• Story Highlight: A listener laments the loss of self and total enmeshment with his wife, leading to resentment, suppressed interests, and identity loss (26:08).
• Selfhood in Relationships: Xander stresses the importance of having “our own life… partner needs to have their life, and then we need our life together” (28:53).
• Warning Sign: When “resentment” appears, it’s usually a sign one’s needs are being neglected—often because they haven’t expressed them or set boundaries (33:07).
• Call to Action: Therapy (individual and/or couples) is recommended for those feeling this way (31:44).
• Notable Quote: Vanessa: “I think most of us have the tendency to go too far into the enmesh stage, and then we have to course correct.” (30:39)

5. Regret #4: Letting Work, Logistics, or Kids Take Priority Over the Relationship

• Story Highlight: A wife details the emotional neglect she's faced as her husband prioritizes work (and later, their children) over their marriage for over a decade (34:08).
• Divided Values: Vanessa notes, "Some people think relationship takes priority over kids, some think kids take priority over the relationship… You’re gonna have a really hard time if partners are in different camps" (35:58).
• Impact on Children: Both hosts strongly believe the “relationship is the foundation of your family,” and struggling marriages affect kids more than most realize (36:17).
• Divorce Stigma: Xander dismantles the “stay for the kids” mentality, reflecting on how children almost always sense discord, and lingering can breed resentment (37:37, 39:49).
• Notable Quotes:
  • Vanessa: "When a relationship is in a good place, you have so much more energy freed up to be a good parent." (37:11)
  • Xander: "I've never heard someone say, 'I knew my parents' relationship was terrible but I'm sure glad they stayed together for me.'" (39:39)

6. Regret #5: Not Growing in the Relationship

• Story Highlight: A couple finds themselves emotionally distant—after ten years of “good on paper” marriage, things feel stale, including their sex life (40:45).
• Growth Is Essential: Vanessa shares the wisdom, “your relationship should grow and evolve as much as you do as individuals over time.” She loves the quote: “if you do a relationship right...you’re going to have like six or seven different marriages in it” (42:01).
• In the Bedroom: “The Blood Oath”—a tendency to see any request for change as retroactive criticism—is debunked. The hosts encourage requesting new things, as this does not mean the old was a lie (44:16).
• Notable Quotes:
  • Vanessa: “We have to give ourselves permission for things to change...Your body changes over your lifetime, you’re going to like different things.” (44:17)
  • Xander: "What we have now is not what we had at 22—and I’m glad for that." (45:14)

7. Regret #6: Not Taking Sexual Incompatibility Seriously

• Story 1 Highlight: A woman learns, after 13 years, her partner has “never enjoyed sex” with her but never told her (46:34).
  • Vanessa: "This is so cruel to do...He needs to take ownership for the fact that he never spoke up. This is his fault." (46:34)
• Story 2 Highlight: Another listener hides her kinkiness for seven years, only revealing her desires after buying Vanessa & Xander’s guide; the couple’s sex life improves dramatically, but she still worries about being “too much” (48:48).
• Compatibility Matters: Vanessa and Xander say sexual compatibility is vital—important enough to end a relationship over, but also shouldn’t be a reason to drop someone after one awkward night (47:56).
• Notable Quote: Vanessa: "Sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship, a key part of a relationship.” (47:53)

8. Regret #7: Forgetting to Have Fun in the Relationship

• Story Highlight: A newlywed feels bored and “like roommates” with her wife. There’s a lack of fun or excitement (54:52).
• Importance of Fun: Vanessa reminds, “people really underestimate the importance of having fun together. We’re choosing to spend our lives with somebody” (55:41).
• Practical Advice: The hosts suggest injecting novelty and playfulness—even through structured challenges—can revive the spark.
• Notable Quote: Xander: “Lifetime is a long time. If we’re not having fun, it’s gonna feel a whole lot longer.” (55:44)

Most Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On boundaries with family:
  Vanessa: “When you marry somebody, you marry their family too. And this is... it's gonna be like a lifelong dynamic.” (13:17)
• On sexual rejection:
  Vanessa: “You have to separate your own desirability, lovability, attractiveness, sexuality from your partner's response to it.” (17:09)
• On losing self in relationship:
  Xander: “If you got this far, I think you gotta get into some individual therapy...your personal needs, desires, thoughts, hobbies, feelings, emotions, they matter. And...it is essential that you find a way to express those in some way.” (31:44)
• On relationship vs. kids:
  Vanessa: “Your relationship is the foundation of your family, and your kids are picking up on everything." (37:11)
• On growth and change:
  Vanessa: “Your relationship should grow and evolve as much as you do as individuals over time.” (42:01)
• On sexual honesty:
  Vanessa: “Sexual compatibility…It is important enough to end a relationship over.” (47:53)
• On having fun:
  Xander: “Lifetime is a long time. If we’re not having fun, it’s gonna feel a whole lot longer.” (55:44)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [02:00] — Purpose: Learning from real, unvarnished marriage regrets
• [08:23] — Regret 1: Family boundaries & partner loyalty conflict
• [15:58] — Regret 2: Sexual rejection and shut-down
• [26:08] — Regret 3: Losing personal identity in the marriage
• [34:08] — Regret 4: Work/kids overtaking couplehood
• [40:45] — Regret 5: Failing to grow or adapt as a couple
• [46:34] — Regret 6: Ignoring sexual incompatibility (two stories)
• [54:52] — Regret 7: Losing fun and excitement as a couple

Final Takeaways & Tone

Vanessa and Xander balance serious, heartfelt listener stories with empathy and practical advice. The recurring message: confusion, disappointment, and regret are normal in long-term relationships, but it’s never too late to reflect and course-correct. Knowing, naming, and talking about these issues is the first step—often bringing relief and a path toward deeper connection.

For More

• If you’re looking to refresh your relationship, join their “21 Day Relationship Refresh” at vmtherapy.com/deeper.

This summary covers the heart of the conversation, listener stories, and actionable advice. Vanessa & Xander’s unique chemistry makes even the heaviest topics feel approachable—and maybe even a little hopeful.