Pillow Talks – Episode E247: Our Recent Foreplay Discoveries (and how to explore more)

Date: February 12, 2026
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin

Episode Overview

In this lively and honest episode, Vanessa (sex therapist) and Xander (the “regular dude”) dive deep into the often awkward but essential art of sexual exploration—focusing on foreplay within long-term relationships. Prompted by a listener’s question about keeping foreplay fresh and non-awkward, the Marins candidly share both their framework for ongoing bedroom discovery and practical stories from their own relationship’s recent experiments. Their aim: To make exploration both fun and less intimidating—because awkwardness, they insist, is part of the journey.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Redefining “Exploration” in the Bedroom

[10:55–14:13]

• Most people think “spicing things up” requires extreme or out-of-comfort-zone activities, but exploration can (and should) be incremental.
• Small changes, revisiting things you used to do, or even modifying techniques all count as exploration.
• Vanessa encourages: “Just bring back something that you used to do but you haven’t done in a while.” (13:56)
• Trying new things together is not about outdoing each other, but about tuning into what truly feels right for the couple.

2. Why Trying New Things Feels Awkward (and Why That’s Okay!)

[00:00–02:23], [26:26–28:23]

• Awkwardness is inevitable and natural. Waiting for the “non-awkward” way to try new things is a trap.
• Xander reframes this: “Awkwardness is sexy.” (02:15, 26:26)
• Vanessa expands: “When you are being awkward with your partner, it’s because you’re being vulnerable—and that’s the whole fucking point of intimacy.” (27:14)

3. How to Introduce Exploration—Step-by-Step Tips

Outside the Bedroom First

[18:11–19:27]

• Never spring new ideas mid-sex. Instead, bring them up in casual, low-pressure moments.
• Sample scripts:
  • “I had a dream about us doing X…”
  • “I found myself thinking about X…”
  • Or even texting the idea if talking face-to-face is hard.

Remove the “Performance Pressure”

[20:30–24:30]

• The point is to try, not to be amazing or produce mind-blowing results instantly.
• Vanessa: “The benefit of exploration lies simply in the exploration itself.” (20:48)
• Reality show analogy: on dating shows, it’s not the success of the activity, but the shared novelty, that fosters connection.

Make Exploration a Recurring, Shared Ritual

[24:30–25:15], [33:25–33:49]

• Try “sexploration dates” at regular intervals (monthly, quarterly), with a shared understanding that it’s for experimentation—not perfection.
• Name it! “Sexploration night,” “curiosity night,” “pancake night”—whatever feels playful.

Normalize Awkwardness

• Xander: “I feel like I’ve associated [awkwardness] with positive things… we are able to approach sexual awkwardness in a fun way and have a good time.” (27:13)
• “First Pancake Rule”: The first go at anything new is likely to be weird or off—but that’s expected, as with the first pancake in a batch.
  • Vanessa: “We kind of just say ‘first pancake’, and it’s allowed to be weird, bad, awkward.” (30:25)
  • Try things at least three times before deciding; improvement tends to come on the third attempt.

Celebrate Small Wins (“Resizing Expectations”)

[31:36–33:25]

• Discoveries may be tiny: “Oh, that was fun,” or “I’m more excited about exploring with you,” etc.—these are worth acknowledging.

4. Recent Foreplay Experiments in the Marin Bedroom

[34:19–51:46]

Vanessa and Xander share new techniques and frameworks they've explored together—some of which are destined for their “Ultimate Foreplay Guides.”

a) King/Queen Nights (“Special Lady Day”)

• One partner is completely pampered, the other focuses on their pleasure—all about receiving.
• Provides guilt-free space for asking for (or giving) just what feels good, without worrying about “the give and take.”
• Can be extended beyond sex to a whole date night or day (“king picks dinner, queen gets dessert, etc.”).
• Vanessa: “It's just very nice being able to focus on only receiving or only giving.” (37:12)

b) Using “The Pillow” for Oral

• A specially designed pillow (intended for intercourse) is now being used for oral, improving comfort and angle—especially for the giver on a vulva-owning partner.
• Xander: “My neck's like, let's go.” (42:07)
• Vanessa: “It makes a surprisingly big difference for oral as well.” (42:24)

c) Labia Stimulation: Not Just a Warm-up

• Using thumbs to stroke from bottom to top of the outer labia with pressure and lube—discovered this creates unexpected new sensations even during intercourse.
• Clitoral structure is far larger than most realize; indirect stimulation can be very pleasurable.
• Xander: “There are a lot of possibilities I did not know existed until a couple months ago.” (46:43)

d) Slow, Simple, Single-Finger Stimulation

• Rather than complicated “advanced” moves, tried extremely simple thumb strokes over (or beside) the clitoris with lube.
• Result: Helped Vanessa tune into physical sensations more deeply—“almost meditative.”
• Vanessa: “There's a way that when you're so simple, it helps you focus on the sensation more.” (49:01)
• Works especially well on “queen nights” where one partner gets permission to just relax and enjoy.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On awkwardness:

  • Xander: “Awkwardness is sexy.” (02:15, 26:26)
  • Vanessa: “If I’m just presenting some perfect version of me... that’s not me. Awkwardness is taking our masks off.” (27:14)

• On small steps:

  • Vanessa: “Trying something new could be, oh, we moved our legs in slightly different positions in missionary, or we had sex at the foot of the bed instead of the head of the bed. It can be small things.” (33:34)

• On celebrating the awkward first try:

  • Vanessa: “We have this little rule that whenever we’re trying something new for the first time, we just say ‘first pancake.'” (30:25)

• On the “tease” of foreplay:

  • Vanessa: “A lot of women will actually say, my favorite part of foreplay is being teased… get me to the point where I’m begging for you to go further.” (43:24)
  • Xander’s mind blown: “It was so mind boggling to me… I could not wrap my head around the idea until you really described what it was like for you.” (44:16)

• On ongoing exploration:

  • Vanessa: “Exploration is not just a one-and-done thing… It should be part of your sex life for the rest of your sex life.” (33:25)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment Description | |---------------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00–02:23 | Why awkwardness is essential to explore in long-term relationships | | 10:55–14:13 | What “exploration” really means (and how to avoid overwhelm) | | 18:11–19:27 | Best ways to bring up trying new things outside of bedroom context | | 20:30–24:30 | How novelty (not success) super-charges connection | | 26:26–28:23 | Embracing and normalizing awkwardness as part of sexual vulnerability | | 30:25–31:36 | The “first pancake” rule: permission to be clumsy when trying new stuff | | 34:19–39:15 | “King/Queen Nights”: The pleasure of focus and receiving | | 41:01–42:29 | Using the “the pillow” for oral: practical improvement | | 42:38–47:49 | Outer labia stimulation: moving beyond warm-up to full-on pleasure | | 48:17–50:58 | Stripping back technique: single-finger strokes and mindful touch |

Takeaways

• Exploration is a series of small, low-stakes experiments—not a “50 Shades” leap.
• Awkwardness, vulnerability, and even a little clumsiness are integral—they are the price of admission to genuine intimacy.
• Setting the stage, labeling the experience (first pancake/king-queen night), and tweaking expectations makes experimentation fun, not stressful.
• Practical techniques like new positions, focused pleasure sessions, and simple touch can reinvigorate foreplay quickly and meaningfully.

Next episode: New Pillow Talks episodes drop every Thursday!