E255: The Sexiest Thing You're Not Doing in Bed…Mutual Masturbation

Summary

Pillow Talks Podcast E255: The Sexiest Thing You're Not Doing in Bed…Mutual Masturbation

Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Release Date: April 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this top-requested, eagerly re-released episode, Vanessa (veteran sex therapist) and Xander (her candid, down-to-earth husband) break down one of the most underrated and under-practiced acts of intimacy: mutual masturbation. They unpack what it is, why it’s worth exploring, tackle the taboos and anxieties that can surround it, and offer practical, step-by-step tips for initiating and experimenting with this intimate act—whether you’re a total newbie or curious about expanding your erotic toolkit.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What is Mutual Masturbation?

Timestamps: 05:04–06:36

• Definition: Both partners pleasuring themselves, side by side—not fingerings or hand jobs (“That’s a hand job or fingering. But some people do say masturbating.” - Vanessa, 05:49).
• Clarification: Not one partner doing it for the other, but each person masturbating themselves while being closely connected—often visually.

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2. Why Try Mutual Masturbation?

Timestamps: 06:38–11:25

• Breaks the Ice & Adds Novelty

  • Makes things less routine and can be “a really unexpected and kind of novel way to shake things up in the bedroom.” (Xander, 06:59)
  • “It can kind of eroticize the idea of masturbation...something a little naughty.” (Xander, 07:38)

• Educational Value

  • Provides an unfiltered lesson in what your partner likes: “There is nothing more illuminating than watching your partner masturbate...you’re gonna get a really honed in version of what works best for them.” (Vanessa, 07:47)
  • Techniques can be impossible to describe but easy to demonstrate (See Xander’s explanation at 08:14–09:45).

• Empowering & Shame-Busting

  • Overcomes shame associated with masturbation (“That’s where the empowerment comes from, is working through that bit of shame that...most people have when it comes to masturbation.” - Xander, 10:19)

• Practicality: The Orgasm Guarantee

  • “Mutual masturbation can be one of the best ways to ensure that you and your partner both have orgasms.” (Vanessa, 11:19)
  • “You are each your own boss of knowing how to get it done quickest.” (Xander, 11:27)

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3. How to Initiate Mutual Masturbation—Making It Feel Natural

Timestamps: 17:45–22:39

• Overcoming the Unsexy Name

  • “Mutual masturbation...kind of almost feels like a weird, like, business...” (Xander, 17:45)

• Scripts & Starters

  • Use this podcast episode as an opener: “Literally, send them this episode and say something like, I’m a little intrigued. What about you? Want to do this tonight? ;)” (Vanessa & Xander, 18:26)
  • Try: “You know what I think would be really sexy? I’d love to watch you touch yourself...and I’ll touch myself too.” (Vanessa, 19:13)
  • Or: “Do you want to watch me while I touch myself? I want to show you what I like to do when I’m thinking about you.” (Vanessa, 19:51)

• In-the-Moment Initiation

  • Start things off as usual, then try: “Why don’t you take over for a minute?” if you want to segue into mutual masturbation during intimacy (Vanessa, 21:04).

• Using Toys or Props

  • Invite your partner to watch or use toys on themselves as a gentle bridge into mutual masturbation.

• Lighting & Environment Tips

  • Lower the lights or even try it in complete darkness if you’re self-conscious.
  • “Even just having your eyes closed or being blindfolded and just listening to each other sounds could be very, very sexy.” (Vanessa, 22:51)
  • Keep some clothing on (underwear, yoga pants) if full nudity feels intimidating (24:24).

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4. Addressing Gendered & Personal Insecurities

Timestamps: 23:39–33:13

• Women’s Technique Anxiety

  • Many women feel insecurity about how they masturbate or think their technique is “wrong.”
  • Vanessa: “I have heard this about literally every technique. Even just like lying on their backs and...slowly touching their clitoris or, like, finger blasting themselves.” (25:52)

• Xander’s Male Perspective

  • “I can’t think of any way where I’d be like, oh, that’s gross...It’s just the act of doing it...that’s what’s sexy. The technique is kind of meaningless.” (Xander, 25:35)
  • On “going really fast or really aggressive”: “It’s fucking hot. Like, you can’t control yourself. Like, it’s so good. Like, you want it so bad.” (Xander, 30:29)

• Universal Truth:

  • The most attractive thing is your partner enjoying themselves—not how they look or what technique they use.

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5. Practical Tips for the Nervous First-Timer

Timestamps: 21:49–24:42

• Lighting: Lights off, candles, or dim lamps.
• Keep Clothes On: Over underwear or clothing until you’re more comfortable.
• Blindfolds/Eyes Closed: If visual exposure is anxiety-inducing.
• Use Media: Watching erotica or listening to/read-aloud erotic stories as distraction and arousal.

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6. Creative Ways to Play and Explore

Timestamps: 34:59–42:21

• Mutual Masturbation Flow

  • “You can really do whatever you want here.” (Xander, 35:13)
  • Use it as foreplay, main event, or a way to ensure both partners orgasm.

• Quickies & Orgasmic Timing

  • Perfect for quick orgasms—“You know that your partner knows how to get themselves off quickest.” (Vanessa, 36:54)
  • The “faster” partner can slow down to sync orgasms (37:38).

• Taking Turns / Voyeur Play

  • Alternate masturbating while each partner watches.
  • “You could also have one partner be the boss...telling them you can or can’t touch yourself, or you can or can’t orgasm—orgasm control.” (Vanessa, 39:49)

• Tag Team/Shared Play

  • Both hands on one partner, tag-teaming body parts (Vanessa, 40:37).

• Role Play

  • Pretend to “catch” your partner in the act, then join in.
  • “It’s kind of like a mild form of voyeurism.” (Xander, 28:40)

• Distance Play

  • Works over video call or even by going to separate rooms in the house (42:21).

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Memorable Quotes

• “There is nothing more illuminating than watching your partner masturbate...you’re gonna get a really honed in version of what works best for them.” — Vanessa (07:47)
• “It’s fucking hot...I mean, man, I’m so sorry and so bummed that shit like that goes through your head, because that’s – yeah, it’s sad that that’s getting in the way.” — Xander (29:59)
• “What is sexy is seeing how you do it. The person that I love. ...If I wasn’t here, it’s almost like voyeurism in a mild form.” — Xander (28:35)
• “You are each your own boss of knowing how to get it done quickest.” — Xander (11:27)
• “If there was one answer, we’d just tell you. ...Everyone does it differently. Everyone likes different things. Ultimately...your partner, regardless of gender, just wants to see you feeling good and enjoying yourself.” — Xander (31:17)

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• The “Big Reveal”—What is mutual masturbation?: 03:44–05:36
• Discussing societal taboos, shame, and benefits: 06:38–11:25
• Initiation scripts & practical techniques: 17:45–22:39
• Tackling women’s technique anxiety: 25:07–33:13
• Logistics/Creative Play/Practical flow: 34:59–42:21

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Final Thoughts

Vanessa and Xander create a judgment-free, playful, and honest blueprint for introducing mutual masturbation into your relationship, emphasizing its power to dismantle shame, foster connection, and provide some of the most honest “sex education” you’ll get about your partner and yourself.

"Hopefully we have convinced you to give it a try and inspired you with at least one or two ideas from some ways to take it to the next level." — Vanessa (42:41)

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More next week on Pillow Talks—your sexy, honest double date each Thursday!

Transcript

[A]

Have you ever thought that I was like rubbing my clit too fast?

[B]

It's fucking hot. Like, I just like, I don't, I don't even know how to answer that question. Like, I mean, man, I'm so sorry and so bummed that shit like that goes through your head.

[A]

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20

[B]

years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

[A]

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Greetings from the past. We are recording this episode ahead of time because we are heading out of town to celebrate my birthday. We actually delayed my birthday trip by about over a month because my our niece Poppy was being born and we wanted to have plenty of time with her before we took off for a little trip. But we are on a birthday trip celebrating my big four two and so we decided to go back into the archives and re release one of our most popular episodes ever. We have done 255 episodes at this point, which is crazy to think about, but there are so many episodes that we recorded earlier in the history of Pillow talks that most people never listen to. You know, maybe you didn't start listening until recently. Maybe you missed an episode. Also though, we really found that re listening to episodes helps you see things in a different way. Like you might have been in a very different place in your relationship when you first heard this. And maybe hearing it the second time you're like, oh, oh, I didn't really think about that before. Like I wasn't really so open to it before, but now I'm more curious about it. Or you just like hear something different.

[B]

I mean, this is a topic where you very, you very well may have if it was towards the beginning of you listening to this podcast and not really being used to talking about this topic. Or you might have heard this and been like, oh, that's great for other people, but maybe not for me.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And maybe, maybe today, maybe today is your day to crack something open that sounds weird to find something new and exciting in your sex life.

[A]

So this episode is all about mutual masturbation, why you should try it, and exactly how to do it. And I will confess, I did not Think. When we originally recorded this episode, I did not think it was going to be anywhere near as popular as it ended up being. Like, this is one of our all time top episodes.

[B]

Yeah. I think people are. People are interested, Cautiously interested. Intrigued.

[A]

Curious.

[B]

Curious. Yeah.

[A]

They want to know more.

[B]

They want to know more. They aren't sure if they want to try it yet, but hey, let me just tell you. Just give it a try.

[A]

Give it a try. So we're super excited for you to listen to this, whether it's the first time or you're listening to it again. But let's talk about mutual masturbation. Today we are talking about one of the sexiest things you can do in the bedroom that you are probably not doing right now, which is.

[B]

Drumroll, please.

[A]

That's your drum roll. As a former drummer, I would think you would have this better.

[B]

How do you do it?

[A]

I feel like you're doing drumming a real disservice. You have things you can, like, slap right now.

[B]

That's gonna sound weird.

[A]

I think that sounds way better than okay. Now that we've built this up so much.

[B]

It is. The answer is mutual masturbation. Woo.

[A]

So we polled our audience and we found that only 36% of people say that they have ever done this. This is not even regularly. Occasionally. This is ever. That's not 36%.

[B]

Not enough people. Y' all missing out.

[A]

But we think this is one of the most fun, the sexiest, erotic, and also kind of educational. We'll get into that. Things that you can do in the bedroom. So today we are breaking it all down for you. We know that mutual masturbation can sound like an intimidating thing, but it really does not have to be. So we're going to talk about how to do it if you've never done it before, how to get over the awkwardness, and some really exciting ways to take it to the next level. Okay, so first, let's get clear on what the heck we're talking about. Because if only 36% of people have ever done it, I'm betting there's a fair number of people out there who are like, wait, what is this? I mean, the name is, like, kind of obvious, but if you haven't ever heard of it before, you might not be familiar. So mutual masturbation is when you and your partner are. Are masturbating together. And it's not.

[B]

But separately.

[A]

Yeah, separately. Like, you're not. It's not me masturbating Xander and him masturbating me. It's Like, I'm masturbating side by side with him. Masturbating.

[B]

Question. Can I even masturbate somebody else? I feel like that is incongruous with the term.

[A]

Yeah, I would, like. I would use, like, say that's a hand job or fingering. But some people do say masturbating.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But, yeah, I would argue if you want to be, like, grammatically correct. I think masturbating is something that only you can do to yourself.

[B]

So I can't say, imma masturbate you, girl?

[A]

No, you can. Please don't.

[B]

Here come the masturbation.

[A]

What? Why does it have to be like that?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Here comes.

[B]

Here comes the masturbation.

[A]

Yeah, because we always say that to each other. Like, here comes the blowjob.

[B]

Watch out, girl, I'm gonna masturbate you.

[A]

It's like when you're feeding a kid. Like, here comes the airplane.

[B]

Here comes my finger. It's coming.

[A]

Oh, no. I really don't like it at all. Please don't repeat that.

[B]

Okay, so that's how you don't do it.

[A]

Yeah, don't do it.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, that is how you don't do it. Now just do it any other way. And boom, we're done with this episode.

[A]

Okay, so let's first talk about why is mutual masturbation great? Because I think a lot of people are nervous about it. They think it's kind of awkward or weird or even just, like, I don't know. I've never really heard about it before. I didn't know it was an option. So, Xander, tell us some reasons why someone should consider mutual masturbation.

[B]

Well, first of all, it can be a really, like, unexpected and kind of novel way to shake things up in the bedroom. Look, it can be incredibly arousing watching your partner knowing that you're doing something. Because also, I think we have some, you know, in general, we have some societal hang ups around masturbation. But we can use those hang ups to our advantage because it can kind of eroticize the idea of masturbation. So if you already feel a little bit like, ooh, there's maybe something a little wrong with masturbating then, like, ooh, like, maybe it's hot that, like, we shouldn't be masturbating in front of each other. Right. So it can kind of be arousing in that sort of way. Feeling like you're doing something, you're sexualizing something that you're maybe not supposed to do, or it's A little naughty.

[A]

Another benefit is that it really helps you learn what your partner likes. I mean, there is nothing more illuminating than watching your partner masturbate and seeing, like, what is that technique that they're using? Because obviously, like, when we masturbate, we really hone in on our technique. We get to know our bodies, figure out what works the best for us. And so if you're watching your partner do the things that they have been doing for years, for decades, like, you're gonna get a really honed in version of technique that works best for them.

[B]

Yeah. Cause I think that, you know, if I'm thinking about it, like, it's hard to even explain with words to you how I do it or, like, I don't know. I wouldn't know how to explain, oh, well, what's the pressure that I use or what the strokes are. It's like, you just know what to do because, one, you have the experience of doing it a lot yourself. But two, you have that. That kind of feedback loop of you touch yourself. You know what that feels like. You. You know, in your brain, you're like, oh, okay, yeah, that's. That's good. I want it hard, want it are you faster, slower, et cetera. And you don't have to, like, talk through what it is. You just do it. And so, of course, you hone in on what you want really quickly. And that can be a really challenging thing to explain. Like, if I was explaining it to Vanessa, I'd be like, okay, yeah, well, like, I stroke it, and if I feel like I want more stimulation, I. I squeeze it harder or I go a little faster, and if I need a little less, then I'll slow down or I want squeeze quite as hard. But, like, that's worthless information for Vanessa because she doesn't know what it feels like for me if she's touching me. Right? Like, she wouldn't know when to squeeze it harder or go faster unless I tell her. So watching you get to see all this stuff, and so it can be a lot easier to be like, oh, okay, that's what he means when he's talking about, like, how fast he usually goes or like, oh, I can kind of see, like, you know, the difference in speed or stroke or how much tightly he's holding it, or, you know, if I'm watching Vanessa, like, you know, what type of pressure she's using or what type of stroke.

[A]

Also, I think the element of being on display can be incredibly sexy. Like, obviously, if you've never done it before, it's gonna be a little anxiety inducing at first. A little like, oh, my God, somebody's watching me do this thing that I've only ever done by myself. And again, we'll get into some tips in a minute about, like, how to get over that awkwardness or embarrassment, but once you are over that, like, there's something very thrilling about your partner watching you, because it is this thing that, you know, we've only ever done by ourselves throwing.

[B]

And I think also eventually, like, empowering.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

And, yeah, speaking of empowering, doing this in front of each other can also help you overcome shame. Like, that's where the empowerment comes from, is working through that, that bit of shame that, let's be honest, most people have when it comes to masturbation. There's some element of, I'm not supposed to be doing this. I need to be doing this in private or in secret. People aren't supposed to know that I'm doing it, even though we all kind of know that we all do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, yeah, so it's like, working through that. Not only are you going to much more quickly overcome that shame, because it's like, oh, yeah, I'm doing this with my partner, and we are sexual with each other, so it's totally okay to do this. We are both doing it. No one is judging each other. No one is telling the other that we can't do it. In fact, we're enjoying this. And then, boom, all of a sudden, that shame goes away and it gets replaced with this very empowering, like, oh, yeah, like, it's super hot to be able to do this with each other and, you know, kind of have our bodies and our sexuality on display with each other.

[A]

It's also very practical too. Like, mutual masturbation can be one of the best ways to ensure that you and your partner both have orgasms.

[B]

Yeah. Because you are. You too. You are each your own boss of, like, knowing how to get it done quickest.

[A]

Yeah. So a lot of people struggle to orgasm, you know, with their partner. There's orgasmic timing. There's all kinds of stuff. So mutual masturbation is just a great way to ensure that both of you end up having an orgasm. I cannot tell you how desperately I wish that we had known about Remy years ago. Remy makes custom night guards that are clinically tested and FDA cleared to prevent teeth grinding, reduce jaw tension and facial muscle strain, and improve sleep quality. And the reason I wish we had known about them is because Zander is One of the 30% of Americans who grind their teeth at night and he caused serious damage to his teeth and his gums that he has been trying to repair for years with so many painful and expensive procedures, all of which could have been prevented with a night guard. And the best thing about Remy is you get the same professional quality and comfort as a night guard from the dentist. But remy costs you 80% less and is so much more convenient. They send you the impression kit it straight to your door. You don't have to go to an appointment. You follow these super simple instructions, send it back and then they send you your night guard. Start the new year right and use Code pillow to get 50% off your purchase of a new night guard. That's 50% off at shop r m I.com pillow with code pillow thank you Remy for sponsoring this episode. Mother's day. Okay guys, I am so excited that Quince is back as a podcast partner because they make the best high quality everyday essentials. I was buying from Quince with my own money long before they became a podcast sponsor. So when they reached out to us I was like yes. I'm so happy to talk about how much I love quints. The best part of Quince is that their prices are 50 to 60% less because they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality, not brand markup. I have got gotten so many different products from them but lately I've been really into the clothing. I'm trying to keep fewer things but get better like high quality ones that I'm going to keep for a while. And one of my absolute favorite recent purchases was their 100% organic cotton gauze sleeveless maxi dress. It's so comfortable, but it also looks really cute. I also just saw that they added a bunch of new colors so I would highly recommend checking that out. It's I get asked about that every single time I wear that dress. Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.compillow for free shipping and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. Go to quincy.compillow for free Shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.compillow. Is just around the corner. And if you are looking for a great gift or maybe you just want to get yourself a nice gift, we have a perfect recommendation for you. A cozy earth robe. They actually have four different options. There's a luxe bath robe, a ribbed terry, a waffle which is my personal favorite. I'm about to order that one for myself.

[B]

You're a waffle lady.

[A]

I am a waffle bathrobe lady. And they also have a bamboo stretch knit kimono robe as well. And what I really like about their robes is that they have some sizing. I've actually never seen that before. Usually robes are one like kind of one size fits all and they're way too big. But we love Cozy Earth. We have so many products in our home from them. Our bedding, we have bath towels. So much stuff. And they make seriously the softest, most luxurious products. So they're such a like, I mean the name says it all. It just make your whole earth nice and cozy. Just wrap yourself in softness all the time. Let this Mother's Day be a reminder that she deserves care too. Discover how Cozy Earth turns everyday rout into moments of softness and ease. Head to cozyearth.com and use our code pillow for an exclusive 20% off. And if you see a post purchase survey, please be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here on the Pillow Talks podcast. Because home starts with mom. We have been sleeping on our Birch mattress for a while now and I am obsessed with this mattress. We have tried a bunch of different mattresses. I think Xander and I are both sleeping princesses. We just really want to have a good mattress. And I was very excited about Birch because they use only the finest quality materials like organic fair trade cotton, organic wool and natural latex. I was really hoping that this would work out because I've been on a quest to find an organic mattress and oh my God, this mattress is incredible. I seriously highly recommend it. But I know mattresses are a little tricky because you have to try it out and see if. Right. That's why Birch makes it really easy. They offer 120 night risk free trial to see how your body adjusts. The mattress is shipped directly to your door for free. It comes rolled up in a box. It's super easy to set up and I really think that you are going to love sleeping and doing other things on this mattress. We want all of our listeners to enjoy a deep restful night's sleep with a new mattress from birch. Go to birchliving.com pillow talks for a great deal. Go to birchliving dot com pillow talks for 20% off. That's birchliving.com pillow talks and get 20% off birchliving.com pillow talks so if you're listening to this and you're like okay, I don't know but like I still just feel really nervous. And again if you're. Especially if you're somebody who's never really tried it before, we've got some great tips for you for trying it out for the first time. So let's talk a little bit about how to initiate it. I think that is one of the big concerns that comes up. Like, I don't. Like, I didn't even know this was an option. Now how do I suggest it to my partner? Like, what do we do? So maybe.

[B]

Maybe the name doesn't sound super sexy. Mutual masturbation. Mutual. Kind of almost feels like a weird, like, business or, like, pretty sure to me. Like, yeah, like a mutual fund.

[A]

Mutual arrangement.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. This isn't corporate at all, but I don't know. Mutual user destruction. Trying to think of other words that have mutual in it.

[A]

Yeah, it's the opposite of mutual emotionally assured destruction. Okay, so the easiest way to suggest this to your partner is use this podcast. We try to design so many of our episodes to help open up conversations between you and your partner. So literally, send them this episode and say something like, I'm a little intrigued. What about.

[B]

You want to do this tonight?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Winky face.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, it's. It's just such a great, easy way to bring something up. You don't have to say to your partner, like, okay, so I've been thinking about this thing, and I'm not sure if you're gonna like it or not, but maybe we try it and I don't know, it's like, just use this podcast as a conversation opener. Just send it over to them. You can, you know, if you're even really embarrassed about it, you can say, like, I'd never thought about this before, or, you know, I didn't even realize this was an option. But listening to this has me a little bit intrigued. So that's a great way to introduce it. If you're feeling a little bit bolder, we have a couple of scripts for you. You could say, or text. Also. Texting is another just, like, great way to ask. Ask this from your partner, because you don't have to, like, be face to face. You give them a little bit of time to respond. But you could say something like, you know what I think would be really sexy? I'd love to watch you touch yourself. I mean, that just sounds hot.

[B]

And you can add in there as well. Like, and I'll touch myself too. So it doesn't feel like you're just saying, like, I just want to watch you. Because I could imagine how, depending on who your partner is, that could maybe get Them feeling a little self conscious of like, oh, wait, you just want me to put on a show for you? I mean, hey, that might go over great for some people. And some people might be like, ooh, wait, but like, what about you? So it could be good to clarify, like, you know, hey, I'll do the same for you. Or you don't get left out.

[A]

A different way of saying it could be, do you want to watch me while I touch myself? I want to show you what I like to do when I'm thinking about you. That's pretty hot too.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, then you're just taking full control, so you're not really putting them on the spot quite as much as in the other way. But you know, that way you could be like, okay, yeah, I want to give you a little bit of a show. And then you could also, as you start to do that, then you could invite your partner to, oh, hey, like, why don't you, why don't you do the same thing?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I think doing it this way is great if you know, your partner is really shy. Like, you're kind of putting the onus on yourself of like, okay, I'm going to do this. And then, yeah, it feels a little easier to like, invite your partner to join afterwards if you're nervous about talking about it ahead of time. We also have a kind of sneaky way to, like, try it out in the moment. So as the two of you are starting to get intimate, you could start touching your partner's penis or clitoris with your hands and then pull away and say something like, why don't you take over for a minute? So it's like you're already in the middle of things. You're already being intimate with each other. You're already touching them. So it feels more natural like in that moment to say, like, yeah, why don't you take over here?

[B]

Yeah. Or at the very least, like, things are already starting to feel a little exciting. Because I think, you know, the thing is, especially if one person or both of you in a partnership are responsive sex drive is that hearing a suggestion like this when you're not in a sexy situation at all might feel a little like, oh, that feels like a lot. Like, I'm not even thinking about sex. And now we're asked, we're talking about doing a very specific thing that I don't feel up for right now. And it could feel very different in the moment once, you know, kind of like the feel good juices are flowing and you're like, oh, okay, yeah, this is fun. This is sexy. Rather than, like, I'm not turned on, but my partner wants to do something that feels very risque or feels like. Like, I'd be on the spot.

[A]

Another option is to use toys. So you can grab a toy and ask your partner, like, do you want to watch me use this on myself? Or if it's your partner's toy, like, I want to watch you use this on yourself. Like, it's just. It's a nice way to, like, intro the topic too. Okay, now, if you're still feeling really shy in the moment, trying it out, here are a couple of things you can do to make it feel a lot easier. Keep the lights off. Like, it doesn't need to be, you know, full lights on display. Like, watch me every single thing that I'm doing. It's like, just turn the lights off. It can even be pitch dark the first time you guys try it, so you're not really, really seeing anything, but you, like, know what's going on. That can be super, super sexy. And it'll feel easier for you, too, if you're like, oh, my God. I, like, don't want my partner to fully watch what it is that I'm doing.

[B]

I don't want them to know I'm doing it, even though we're definitely both doing it.

[A]

Or you could close your eyes. Like, you know, that's another way if you have a, I don't know, really light bedroom, even with the lights off or whatever.

[B]

Yeah. Put it blind.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Both of you could blindfold each other. And, like, even just having your eyes closed or being blindfolded and just listening to each other sounds could be very, very sexy. You could also have dim lighting. So if you have a dimmer switch, turn that low, maybe it's just lighting a candle. If you have a very small bedside lamp, something like that, just a little bit of light can be a nice way to not feel quite so on display. But ultimately, I think it's women who are more often uncomfortable about masturbating in front of their partner. And I think a lot of that comes down to the socialization that we get around masturbation. Like, masturbation in general is a pretty taboo topic, but for men, it's much more, like, much more accepted, much more talked about.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it's not like men have more practice masturbating in front of people than women, but I think there's.

[A]

They have more practice masturbating in general.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, that's What I was going to say is that they have more. One more practice with it. And two, they are more generally like of the opinion that. Okay, well, guys masturbate and that is an accepted thing. It's not, you know, it's not like, oh, yeah, like you just walked in on me masturbating. Cool. But you know, it's like, okay, everybody knows that we do it. Yeah. The breaking through that, that barrier of like, okay, cool, let's. Let's whip it out and do it in front of each other is, you know, the barri is not so great.

[A]

Actually, when you just said whip it out and do it, that made me think of another tip. If you have a vulva, you could also keep it out. No, you keep some of your clothes on so you're not like fully on display.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

But like a lot of vulva owners masturbate over clothing anyways, so.

[B]

Yeah, or like underwear.

[A]

Underwear or, you know, some yoga pants or something like that. Like keep some clothes on so it doesn't feel quite as on display. Oh yeah, okay. But what I was going to ask you is, I was saying, you know, a lot of women feel very self conscious about masturbating because we are socialized to believe it's more embarrassing. A lot of us don't masturbate or like don't masturbate until we're much, much older. So we just like don't have this level of comfortability with it.

[B]

Yeah, like, oh, good, good. Girls don't do that.

[A]

Yeah. So one thing that I hear from women all the time is I'm embarrassed of the technique that I use to masturbate. And by the way, I've heard this about literally every single techn. But every woman seems to think, like, the way I masturbate is wrong or bad or it's not sexy or like, in particular, like a guy wouldn't like watching it. So I want to come over to you to get your male opinion of female masturbation techniques.

[B]

I mean, I want to know how you do it and I want to see how you do it. I can't think of any way where I'd be like, oh, that's gross. It's just the act of doing it, of making yourself feel good and bringing yourself to orgasm. That's what's sexy. Like the technique is kind of meaningless.

[A]

So like I said, I have heard this about literally every technique. Even just like I. So I think a lot of women have this idea that like, the right way to masturbate is like lying on their backs and very, like, daintily and slowly touching their clitoris or, like, finger blasting themselves. What?

[B]

Well, I mean, you know, because there's this idea that, you know, penetration is the be all, end all. I think that, you know, a lot of, like, like, sex toys get made by men thinking that, like, women want to penetrate themselves. So I was just kind of joking, being like, you know, oh, you know, a woman might think, oh, well, like, a guy wants to see me, like, fingering my vagina, even though that's not actually gonna bring most women to orgasm.

[A]

I don't know if I'd say that, but do you think that that's how guys think we masturbate? Well, I can't get over the use of finger blasting. That's tripping me up a little bit. Yes. Like, a lot of. A lot of people do think that women masturbate, like, using a dildo type of toy where she's just penetrating herself.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I mean, think about how a lot of men try to finger a woman. Most men think that they need to stick their fingers inside and blast away.

[A]

Can we stop saying finger blasting? It's horrible.

[B]

But finger bang.

[A]

Wait, do you think that if, like, if a man says to a woman, let me watch you masturbate, do you think that he's thinking she's going to start shoving her fingers in and out of herself?

[B]

I don't. I don't think so. I mean, I.

[A]

But okay, so you just took us on this weird fingering side for no reason.

[B]

I just wanted to say finger blasting. I'm sorry, can you really fault me for that? I got to say finger blasting over and over and finger bang.

[A]

Okay. Jesus. I'm trying to ask you one freaking question.

[B]

Well, I think I answered it clearly.

[A]

No, no. Okay, okay. So a lot of women think that the right way to masturbate is lying on her back daintily, slowly stroking her clitoris, which is hot. So I do hear a lot from women who do, like, grinding techniques.

[B]

That sounds really hot.

[A]

Masturbating on their stomachs.

[B]

That sounds pretty hot. Like, yeah, I'd like to see that. However it is that you like it. What I am looking for is the enjoyment that I am seeing, like, in your face or in your body.

[A]

So you can't imagine a technique that a woman would use that you would think, like, oh, that's kind of weird that that's what she does. What about, like, like, balling up a towel and grinding against it?

[B]

That sounds pretty hot. Like, yeah, I'd like to See that? Like, why not?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like, I want to see. Like, I think what is sexy is seeing how you do it. I mean. Yeah. I mean, I.

[A]

Is your brain short circuiting trying to think about why this would not seem hot?

[B]

Well, no, no. I mean, I think that it's like, if you want to see it done in a very specific way, there are places on the Internet where you can find just about anything. It's like, what you want is. I want to see you. I want to see you enjoying yourself. The person that I love. And I think, especially early on with mutual masturbation, a big part of the eroticism and the enjoyment is, like, getting to actually see how you really do it. Like, when you're on your own, it's just sort of like the not knowing part of it. Like, oh, like, how does she actually do it? If I wasn't here, it's kind of like. It's almost like voyeurism in a. Like, a mild form of voyeurism. Like, at first, the exciting part is like, oh, I'm gonna get to see behind the curtain.

[A]

Yeah. It is so funny that we have these ideas in our heads of like, oh, no, that wouldn't be sexy for him to see me in that way. I know for myself, I've had times where I felt like, ooh, I'm going really fast, or really aggressive. Is that not sexy? And I'm trying to think, where did I get that idea that it's supposed to be so slow and dainty? Or that you would think, I don't know. Have you ever thought that I was, like, rubbing my. Too fast?

[B]

It's fucking hot. Like, I just. Like, I don't. I don't even know how to answer that question. Like, I mean, man, I'm so sorry and so bummed that shit, like, that goes through your head, because that's. Yeah, it's sad. It's sad that, like, that's getting in the way.

[A]

She's rubbing it too fast.

[B]

What is she doing? Yeah, I mean, it's like. It's hot. It's like, ooh. Like, she can't get enough of this.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like, she. I mean, I'm like. You know that, like, that example of, like, going fast or something. Like, I mean, that's super sexy. The idea of, like, ooh. Like, you can't. Like, you can't control yourself. Like, it's so good. Like, you want it so bad.

[A]

Good. Reframe.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, or. Or the opposite of, like, really so, like, ooh, man. Like, that's hot. Like, she's really drawn this out and enjoying herself.

[A]

I'm glad you said that because.

[B]

Yeah, because I was worried some woman

[A]

out there who's like, oh, my God, I go too slow.

[B]

I know. I could hear. Oh, wait, wait. So Xander saying, I actually, I'll read between the lines what he's saying. Is it. Actually, I gotta go really, really fast.

[A]

It's amazing how good we women are at. I mean, this is people of all genders, but I think women in particular, we can take, like, you say anything and like, oh, so does that mean that this one is not as good? Like, we can really twist things around.

[B]

Yeah. You know, sorry, ladies, there is no one answer behind all of this that we're just tiptoeing around. There is not. If there was. If there was, we'd just tell you because, like, we're not gatekeeping. But the reason we're not is because there is no answer. Everyone does it differently. Everyone likes different things ultimately. Like, we. I, not I personally, but like men. Your partner, regardless of gender, just wants to see you feeling good and enjoying yourself. However it is that you do that.

[A]

If I think about it the other way around, like, I'm trying to think, is there a way that a guy could masturbate that I would think was not sexy? And you're right that I'm like. I'm not really picturing any specific technique. It's more about, like, a guy really feeling pleasure and feeling good. I don't. I'm not really even, like, picturing, like, oh, it would be like this, or like this or anything like that.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I. I can think of. I can think of one when it comes to men. And that is just purely because we know what this is and we talk about how harmful it can be. But, like, the death grip, like, I feel like if. If I was just like. But I don't know, just going like, full on death. I don't know. It might be hard for you to

[A]

see how hard I was thinking about that.

[B]

You probably couldn't.

[A]

I know that that's a problematic way to masturbate. So I might talk to you about that at a different time. But. But I think it's still, like, hot to watch it.

[B]

Yeah, it probably would be. So. So that is a good example is flip the genders. Flip it around. If I was discovering how they like to do it when they're on their own, like, would I be grossed out by a certain thing? I guess it's a little dangerous because if you Were to be grossed out by something, then you might be like, oh, God, I'm disgusting and I could never do this. But I think that for most people, they'd be like, well, yeah, no, I kind of want to see how they do it. It sounds hot. It's the finding out what it is that's hot, not the actual act of what it is.

[A]

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[B]

All right, now let's talk about the flow of how this actually works logistically. Because I can already hear all the questions of, like. Like, okay, well, do we do this for, like, a minute? Do we do this forever?

[A]

Forever?

[B]

Do we do this till we come?

[A]

Like, you just do it till you die?

[B]

Yeah. Do you just do it till you die? Do you stop doing any other kind of sex and just mutually masturbate? Well, that part of it is up to you. But the actual, like, flow of things is. I hate to break it to you, you can really do whatever you want here. I mean, I think that our suggestion if this is something that you don't regularly do or that you've never done, is that, that, that. Yeah, you. It would probably be a good idea to experiment with like, doing this together and doing it till each of you have an orgasm. Because like we said, it can be a great way to ensure that both parties have an orgasm and probably have an orgasm as efficiently as possible. But that being said, you absolutely don't have to do that if you want. You know, this can just be a really exciting way to get both people warmed up and ready for are something else, whether that's oral manual on each other or intercourse or anal sex or whatever. The thing is, it can be a great, you know, getting excited slash warm up. It can be something that you guys finish yourselves off with. So it's really, it's really up to you. There are no hard and fast rules. There's no like, you know, people ask this with like, blow jobs or hand jobs. Like, oh, well, does it count as a blow job if you know, he doesn't come? Or like, we only start out doing that and move on. Hell yeah. It counts like whatever you want to do counts. So I think that the key here is just like, this is another tool in your tool belt for how to get, how to have an orgasm, how to get warmed up, how to get excited, how to, you know, tick off the box of like, trying something new. So however you want to do it is great. There are lots of options.

[A]

One thing you can do is use mutual masturbation when you want to have a quickie. So we get asked all the time, like, I want to have a quickie, but I can't figure out how to get myself to orgasm that quickly. Or like, my partner can orgasm really quickly, but I can't. So mutual masturbation can actually be a great quickie alternative because again, typically, most of us have figured out for ourselves like, the fastest path to orgasm. So if you know that your partner knows that for themselves, it can be a whole hell of a lot easier. Easier to have a quickie when you're doing mutual masturbation. I mean, in general, it's like, if you're wanting to be intimate, you're wanting to have a release, you're wanting to have some time together, but like, you're tired, you're short on time. Like, it's just a great, like, quick go to.

[B]

Yeah. And I think like a way to deal with orgasmic timing there is that if you know that one partner can get themselves off quicker than the other, then ask that faster partner to slow themselves down a little bit in the beginning stages. Because pretty quickly you'll be able to identify like, oh, okay, cool. Like, you know, I know when I'm about 30 seconds away from orgasm and I can tell my partner and they can catch up or whatever the case may be. So that, that can be a good way, you know, if you're trying to key in on like, oh, how can we use this for quickies in a way, you know, where we're not? Because I think that a lot of people can get self conscious of, oh, well, like if we're just like trying to get it done as quick as possible. What if like my partner comes and then I'm like, like not close and I have to go for like five more minutes. Like, then that feels a little weird. So, you know, you can just talk about like, okay, so the faster partner maybe slows down a little bit until the other partner catches up.

[A]

You could also be a little bit liberal with your usage of mutual and mutual masturbation and instead take turns where you have one partner masturbate at a time and the other person's watching. So you can still do like trade off in one session. So you're being mutual in the single session, but you're like getting that experience more of like one person getting to fully watch each other instead of being distracted by your own masturbation. You could also have one partner be the boss or be in control of the other partner. So for example, maybe just one partner is touching themselves and the other partner is, is being in control. Like telling them you can or can't touch yourself or you can or you can't orgasm. Like playing around with a little orgasm control or a little Simon says. Simon says masturbate. Simon says stop. I actually saw a video on Instagram the other day of like insane Simon says. It was like an elite competition.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. And it was pretty crazy.

[B]

I feel like I personally might strip out the Simon says words because to me that doesn't feel very sexy.

[A]

Xander says, Xander says masturbate. Xander says stop.

[B]

That's also weird.

[A]

Masturbate. Stop. Anyways, play around with a little bit of orgasm control. Or like one partner is telling the other partner, like, okay, now touch your thigh. Now you can touch just the shaft, just the base. Now play with your balls, like whatever it is. Like you're kind of instructing them what they are and aren't allowed to do. And again, you can take turns playing different roles in one session if you really want to honor the mutual Aspect. Another thing you can do is tag team each other's bodies. So you can use, like, both of you use your hands on one partner at the same time. This can also be like, a nice thing to do if you're feeling a little bit nervous about your partner watching you. So, like, if you're a woman, maybe you stroke your clitoris while your partner fingers you internally.

[B]

Oh, finger blast.

[A]

God damn. I was like, why did he just give me that big smile over here? God damn it. Or if you're a man moving on, maybe like, he's stroking his shaft, but you're playing with his balls. Or like he's focusing on the top of his penis and you're more at the base of the penis. So it's like you're kind of tag teaming together. Another thing that you can do is role play, Pretending to catch your partner in the act of masturbation.

[B]

Oh, so this is like really eroticizing.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

What's the word for it? Like the. Almost like the shame or the thing that you are trying to avoid, like, as a teenager or young adult.

[A]

But yeah, you're playing around with it. So this could also be an interesting way to, like, ease into it. Like, you can kind of have this scene set up where you're role playing it and like, oh, you caught me. And then your partner, like, gets so turned on that they have to lay down in bed next to you and masturbate by themselves too. Or maybe they, like, sit, you know, in a chair across the room or whatever and they start masturbating.

[B]

Or maybe they just need to lend a hand. Kind of like going back to the tag team, the bodies.

[A]

Lots of different ways to play here.

[B]

Or if you don't want to do an actual roleplay scene, you could call your partner into the bedroom and surprise them with you being on the bed, masturbating or in the chair or on the floor, anywhere. I don't know. I said bad, but. Because I just sort of assumed. But, you know, it could be anywhere.

[A]

You could watch erotic movies or read erotica out loud to each other while you both masturbate. That can be another nice thing to do if you're feeling nervous because there's. There's like an additional level of stimulation. So there's an initial level of stimulation and there's something that's kind of like distracting you a little bit too. Like you're watching something or reading something at the same time.

[B]

And this can also be a really great option to do if you're in a long distance relationship because you can do this over the phone, you can do it over video chat. Even if you're not in a long distance relationship and you want to kind of play with that energy, you could just go to different rooms in the house and do it like over video or something.

[A]

All right, well, that wraps up our exploration of mutual masturbation. Hopefully we have convinced you to give it a try and inspired you with at least one or two ideas from Some Ways to take it to the next level. Thanks so much for listening. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.

[B]

Sam.