E271: The Real Reason You Can't "Let Go" in Bed

Summary

Pillow Talks Podcast E271 Summary:
The Real Reason You Can't "Let Go" in Bed
Vanessa & Xander Marin | July 30, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this candid and insightful episode, Vanessa (sex therapist) and Xander Marin (her husband and self-professed “regular dude”) tackle the pervasive yet rarely discussed challenge of “letting go” during sex. Drawing on their expertise, relationship experiences, and an Instagram poll (where 80% of respondents admitted struggling to “let go”), they debunk the one-size-fits-all advice to “just do it,” explore what actually stands in the way, and offer practical, actionable strategies to promote presence, connection, and pleasure in bed.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Problem with "Just Let Go" Advice ([00:00]-[03:26])

• Vanessa notes how “dirty talk might be the biggest cheat code to getting out of your head and into your body” ([00:00]), but most people feel intimidated by it.
• The hosts share common advice: “Just let go and be in the moment,” but question its practicality, comparing it to the unhelpful “just do it” mentality.
• Quote:
  “80% of people said that they have a hard time letting go during sex. That’s wild.” – Vanessa ([01:52])
• Letting go is wrongly seen as the default expectation for sex, perpetuating shame when people struggle with it.

2. What Makes Letting Go So Hard ([03:26]-[14:09])

• Common Barriers Identified by Listeners:

  • Body Image: Worrying about how one’s body looks, a concern increasingly shared by men and women ([04:23]).
  • Performance Anxiety: Fears about “doing sex right,” even in long-term relationships ([04:26]).
  • Shame & Embarrassment: Deep-seated discomfort about sex in general ([09:02]).
  • Kids and Privacy: Anxiety about children overhearing or the difficulty transitioning from “mom mode” to “partner mode” ([09:04]-[09:30]).
  • Distracting Thoughts/To-Do Lists: The ever-present mental chatter ([11:46]).
  • Fear of Pain or Trauma: For many, letting go feels unsafe due to past negative sexual experiences ([12:00]).
  • Vulnerability: Fear of expressing desires or needs, or even being seen during sex ([12:54]).

• Quote:
  “Vulnerability is part of the price of admission for having a great sex life and a great relationship.” – Vanessa ([12:54])

3. The Harm of Focusing on "Letting Go" ([16:48]-[18:40])

• The expectation to “just let go” can cause a negative spiral: when you can’t let go, you feel broken or deficient.
• Vanessa and Xander compare this to anxiety management—obsessing about the inability to relax only worsens the tension ([17:31]).
• Quote:
  “We actually think that the idea of needing to just let go in order to have amazing sex is B.S.” – Vanessa ([18:17]) “Focusing so much on trying to let go in the bedroom often leads to us shutting down and beating ourselves up instead.” – Vanessa ([18:31])

4. A New Perspective: Active vs. Passive Approaches ([19:00]-[24:41])

• Letting go is passive; good sex requires active engagement.
• The “empty mind” ideal borrowed from meditation is unrealistic for sex—distraction is normal.
• “What meditation is, is being able to disassociate yourself from your thoughts…think of your thoughts as a river and you getting onto the bank.” – Xander ([23:01])
• The real skill is in awareness and gentle redirection, not mental blankness.

5. Identifying Your Personal Roadblocks ([24:41]-[30:12])

• Get curious about what specifically blocks you (“Why can’t I get into the state or energy I want during sex?”).
• Log recurring thoughts or anxieties post-sex to identify patterns.
• The body’s resistance to pleasure is a signal that something in your life or relationship requires attention—a “beautiful invitation to do deeper work,” as Vanessa puts it ([27:44]).

6. Setting Better Goals Than "Letting Go" ([29:00]-[32:59])

• “Letting go” becomes an excuse not to address specific challenges, such as body image or trauma.
• Vanessa encourages listeners to define their personal goals for their sex life (e.g., playfulness, body positivity, feeling desired).
• Quote:
  “What are your goals for your sex life? What would great sex feel like to you?” – Vanessa ([30:50])

7. Practical Strategies to Get Present ([34:31]-[45:54])

• Addressing Specific Barriers:

  • Body Image: Have vulnerable conversations with your partner about what they notice/admire. Seek professional support if deeper issues persist ([34:31]).
  • Distracting Thoughts: Acknowledge and gently redirect them, like sending a “can’t talk right now, will call you back” mental message ([37:57]).
  • Remind Yourself of Your Goals: Reframe sex as a prioritized, joyful part of your day ([39:14]).
  • Bring Yourself into Your Body: Focus on physical sensations; narrate them aloud to your partner ([41:21]).
  • Focus on Your Breath: Use breath as an anchor ([42:28]).
  • Connect with Your Partner: Make eye contact, touch them, or simply talk during sex ([43:27]).

• Dirty talk as an “active engagement unlock” ([44:57]): “Dirty talk might be the biggest cheat code to getting out of your head and into your body.” – Xander ([00:00]; [44:57])

• Advocate for vulnerable communication: e.g., “I’m feeling distracted—can we slow down and reconnect?” ([45:54])

8. The Value of Investment and Agency ([46:52]-end)

• Recognize investing in your sex life as valuable, not frivolous.
• Viewing stuckness as an invitation for self-growth and relational healing.
• Quote:
  “My sex life is important. My sex life is valuable. My sex life is worth me taking a look at and working on.” – Vanessa ([47:31])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “80% of people said that they have a hard time letting go during sex. That’s wild.” – Vanessa ([01:52])
• “Vulnerability is part of the price of admission for having a great sex life and a great relationship.” – Vanessa ([12:54])
• “Just fuck it. Fuck trying to let go.” – Xander ([18:28])
• “Letting go is a passive thing. But all of our advice about having an extraordinary sex life is active.” – Vanessa ([19:00])
• “Dirty talk might be the biggest cheat code to getting out of your head and into your body.” – Xander ([00:00]; [44:57])
• “My sex life is important. My sex life is valuable. My sex life is worth me taking a look at and working on.” – Vanessa ([47:31])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Why Letting Go Feels Impossible: [01:34]-[03:26]
• Common Barriers Identified: [03:26]-[14:09]
• Vulnerability & Sex: [12:54]-[16:23]
• The “Just Let Go” Trap: [16:48]-[18:40]
• Why Active Participation Matters: [19:00]-[24:41]
• Understanding Your Unique Blocks: [24:41]-[30:12]
• Setting Personalized Sex Goals: [29:00]-[32:59]
• Grounding Strategies & Mindfulness: [34:31]-[45:54]
• Choosing Agency & Deeper Investment: [46:52]-end

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Conclusion

Vanessa and Xander encourage listeners to move beyond shaming, passive ideas of “letting go” and instead adopt an active, compassionate, and personalized approach to intimacy. By identifying specific barriers, setting individual goals, and using practical tools like mindfulness, communication, and embodied awareness, everyone—regardless of current struggles—can transform their sex life into a source of genuine connection and pleasure.

Key Takeaway:
Stop striving for a mythical “Zen” state of mindless sex. Instead, actively engage—notice your thoughts, redirect gently, connect with your body and partner, and invest in your sexual well-being.

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For more in-depth guides, search the Pillow Talks archive and follow Vanessa & Xander for ongoing practical advice and real-talk encouragement.

Transcript

[A]

It is such a shame. Dirty talk is one of those things that so many people are scared to do. Like, the majority of people don't do this in bed. They think of it as this, like, kinky, almost like, extreme pornographic thing. And it's like, dirty talk might be the biggest cheat code to getting out of your head and into your body.

[B]

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20

[A]

years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

[B]

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. We have all heard the advice to just let go during sex. Let go and be in the moment. Let go. Stop thinking about your to do list. Let go and stop being such a control freak. Let go and be uninhibited and wild in the bedroom. Let go and have an orgasm. I think we really have this idea that sex is all about losing yourself in the moment. It should just be so intense that you're completely letting go of all and you just have this sense of, like,

[A]

wild abandonment and that you should, like, just do it. Just do it. Like, honestly, Nike hasn't done us any favors with the whole just do it thing. I feel like we grew up with that motto, just do it. And he's like, when we run into a problem, it's like, oh, I just gotta do it. Just gotta do it. And you don't just gotta do it. It's hard.

[B]

So we polled our Instagram audience about this, and 80% of people said that they have a hard time letting go during sex. That's wild. 80% said, I am struggling to do this. And yet I think we all have this in our heads, that this is how we're supposed to show up during sex.

[A]

I think what's also interesting about that is that if it's 80% of people, it's not a stereotypical breakdown of, like, oh, this is something that women struggle with and men don't struggle with. Because I do think what we do talk a lot about certain aspects of sex where it's like, men typically don't have the same challenges. Like, you know, often we will hear men are not thinking about their to do list during sex, but that doesn't mean that Men are not struggling with some other anxiety or some other worry during sex, something that does take them out of the moment. And I think that we can kind of lose sight of that sometimes because we're like, oh, yeah, you know, men just have this kind of tunnel vision once they start having sex. They, that might be true. And there might be some little, like, adjacent tunnels around performance anxiety around tunnels around timing and stuff like that, where it's like, yeah, I'm pretty narrowly focused on the sex that we're having, but also these things that are very closely related to it, like how long I'm lasting and is she close? And oh, how hard am I? Am I not hard enough? Am I, am I get. Is it getting better or is it getting worse?

[B]

So in this episode, we're gonna be diving into why it's so hard to relax. And of course, most importantly, some practical tips to help you feel more present, more connected, and able to enjoy intimacy. So let's get started with talking about why it's so hard for us to let go during sex. So we asked this question to our Instagram audience. We said, give us the specifics. What are the specific reasons that you can't let go? The specific things that are getting in your. And so we're gonna go through the most common responses. By far and away, the number one response was body image. Traditionally that has been more of a woman dominated area, but we are starting to hear about it a lot more these days from men as well. Yeah, the basic idea is I can't stop thinking about the way that my body looks during sex or the way

[A]

that it must look to my partner.

[B]

Uh huh. Things like, oh, this, this angle is probably unflattering, or my boobs are, you know, going into my armpits or they're hanging low in a weird way. I've got a little stomach roll coming out. It's just constant, constant thoughts about our bodies during sex. The second most common response was worrying about doing sex. Right. And this is so interesting to me that even in long term relationships, we still have this fear. It makes a lot more sense in the beginning of a relationship. I remember the first few times that we hooked up, like, thinking, like, does he like this? Does he like what we're doing? Is, are we connecting? Is the chemistry good? Like, am I doing the right stuff?

[A]

That's so funny to hear. I mean, I, I don't even, I guess I. Do you have any, like, strong memories of the first couple of times that we had sex? I feel like it's Kind of a blur.

[B]

I remember the first time. I don't remember, like, the second or third time. Yeah, again, like, specifically. But I do specifically remember the first time.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I think I. I just remember being stressed about wanting to make sure that it was respectably long enough and not a second longer.

[B]

But, yeah, I mean, it is. It makes me sad that so many of us are so stressed about getting it right, because I know the vast majority of couples are not talking about it openly, so they're never actually getting this feedback about whether or not it's right. And it is really sad to think about being in a relationship with somebody for years or decades and still having that fear of, am I doing this in the right way?

[A]

Or the very. Or on top of that, that you are doing something sexually because you think it's the right thing to do or the thing that your partner expects or the thing you read about in a book or saw in a porn or something. And it actually is not anything that you actually like or is particularly enjoyable. And it's just something that you have been doing because you thought that's what was expected of you, or you thought that your partner likes it only because you did it the first couple of times and they didn't say they didn't like it, and now that's all you do. So then you're just focused on the performance of it rather than the enjoyment.

[B]

And this is why our business exists. We want to help you get out of your head with that and actually start having the kind of sex that you know, with confidence and certainty, works for both of you. Okay.

[A]

Because that is possible. It is very possible for every single person listening to this. I mean, I think that's just bottom line. Like, don't forget that. I think some people think they're just too far. It's too far gone. Or it's just. It is what it is. It's always going to be a little, you know, it's. It's good for my partner, but it's always going to be a little. Little subpar for me. And it does not have to be like that. This is possible for every single one of you. Like, honestly, like, within a couple of months, if you do the things that we tell you to do and you address the issues, all, you know, all the problems that our courses and our guides solve, like, if you diligently do that, you can be having that kind of sex, like, very soon. Oh.

[B]

I mean, I think if you get our ultimate foreplay guides, you could be having that kind of sex tonight.

[A]

It's built into, I said three months for someone that might be struggling with orgasm and need to go through finishing school and maybe a couple of the other things that we offer. I'm just trying to space, not have it be like you got a cram for the exam tomorrow.

[B]

There are paths here. What I will say though is yeah, so I did have this fear in the beginning of our relationship, but now what it has transitioned into is a curiosity about creating the best possible experience for you. So I do still think about, does he like this? What if I do it this way? But the energy of it is completely different now. It's curiosity, it's excitement, it has this foundation of confidence like I know, I know how to make you happy. But now it's turned into this kind of fun game of well, what if I tried this thing? Or what if I tried that thing? So it might seem on the surface like a subtle shift, but the actual feeling of it is so different and it's really cool. Then we had a lot of people just saying straight up shame and embarrassment about sex. Pulls me out of the moment.

[A]

Classic, classic old shame. Uh huh.

[B]

Kids were a big category so there were a lot of fears about kids hearing the privacy aspect. Like I can't let go and lose myself in the moment because what if I made too loud of a noise and the kids overhear? And then there were also a lot of moms who told us like I'm in mom mode all day long. And it is so hard to switch into like romantic partner mode.

[A]

That is, that is very real. I think that's a very real struggle. And there are real reasons why you can't just flip a switch nor should you be able to just flip a switch. However, on the kids hearing, I think it's worth calling out for everyone out there that there, there is no like research or data out there that shows that a kid overhearing something in the bedroom every now and then is somehow going to be adversely impact their development. Turn them into a sex addict or you know, all, all the things. I don't know. I'm just trying to think extreme. I'm trying to think of something. No, because most people go to these, it's always going to give them some kind of weird kink or they're gonna, you know, have issues or whatever. I think at the end of the day, most people as they, you know, get into their teenage and then young adult years look back and go, God, I'm not even sure my parents like really were Very into each other and realize they come away with an idea of a marriage or a relationship that is not the most healthy. Now it's another story if you are, like, moaning like a porn star, all that, you know, for 20 minutes at a time and, like, you know, screaming daddy or something constantly. And your kids are overhearing, you know, like, let's be reasonable here. But I think, like, I think that it is okay for your kids to. To know that their parents have sex, because sex is something that healthy couples do in a healthy relationship, in a healthy marriage. And, you know, ultimately that's what you want for your kids, not for them to just be.

[B]

I think you went to a little bit of the extreme there. I think maybe what parents want to hear more is, like, take some steps to create sound privacy, get a white noise machine, start playing music. This is the one time where we give you permission to have a TV in the bedroom and turn the TV on so you've got a little bit of back background noise. I think those things can also. I mean, your point is totally correct, but I think for somebody who's really stressed out about this, it's probably like, the first step might be a little bit easier to go for the sound press. Yeah.

[A]

Take some action. Rather than being like, oh, Xander says don't worry about it, so don't worry about it.

[B]

Okay. Other common responses were the endless to do list. Little ticker tape that's just constantly going in your brain and brain racing in general. Just like going through thoughts, thinking of that embarrassing thing that you responded to some random person three months ago that you can't get out of your head. We had a lot of anxiety about feeling pain. People also mentioned past sexual trauma or safety issues. And I wanna make sure we don't gloss over that because all of these things are very real and understandable reasons why you might have a hard time letting go in the bedroom. If you've had an experience of sex being painful, it being violating, scary, dangerous, of course your body is going to protect itself and not want to let go, because it's not safe to let go. We also had a lot of people who just said, I'm afraid of being vulnerable. And that's another one that makes me really sad. Because vulnerability is part of the price of admission for having a great sex

[A]

life and a great relationship.

[B]

And a great relationship. You cannot have a great relationship. You cannot have a great sex life if you are not vulnerable. And we forget that in the early stages of our relationship, vulnerability was what made us fall in love with our person. Those are. And if you look back at the whole course of your relationship, the vulnerable moments are your favorite moments.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Or your favorite moments are the moments when you were most vulnerable with each other.

[A]

So when it comes to, you know, someone saying that, it's hard to shut my brain off because I'm. I don't want to be totally vulnerable when it comes to sex. Like, what is something that someone might be not wanting to be vulnerable about? Like, about, like, you know, maybe that it's not that pleasurable for them. They're not. They're struggling to orgasm. Like, what kinds of. What kinds of.

[B]

Yeah, what you're wanting, what you're liking, what's working for you. What's not working for you? I think even just being seen, a lot of people don't even want to make eye contact during sex. There's also a feeling of afraid of making weird noises or making weird faces. I don't want to be vulnerable and ask you, like, what do you want me to do? Are you liking this? Are you not liking this? It can show up in a lot of different ways.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I. I can definitely relate with that one. Just. Oh, you know, over the years, what our sex life looks like now is so different from what it looked like in our early couple years of our relationship and what it looked like in the middle years.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

You just, like, glossed right over my bad joke.

[A]

You said it as. I was, like, still in the middle of the sentence, so I was processing.

[B]

It was bad timing.

[A]

I said it, and I was like. I was like, did she just. Did she just mess that up? Did she mean to say way better? And I was like, oh, she's joking. She's funny.

[B]

I'm just kidding.

[A]

She's sassy today. So is there. Are we. Was this just a whole elaborate setup? We're doing this podcast episode so you can see. Spring it on me that there's actually something you haven't been telling me.

[B]

No.

[A]

Despite the fact that I think it's just getting better, it's only been getting worse.

[B]

That's next week's episode.

[A]

And we started an entire podcast. We started an entire podcast and have gotten, like, four and a half years into it. And you finally worked up the courage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Congrats that. You know what? This is a really vulnerable moment for us. And. Wow, I've never felt closer to you when you said that our sex life is way worse now than it was. No, but seriously, it looks so different. And I know for me, I Had a shit ton of fears about being vulnerability, about being vulnerable. Especially because I knew that you were training, studying, working to be a sex therapist. And that scared the shit out of me because I was like, you know, part of me was like, well, someone that wants to do that is gonna want to, like, turn the microscope on our sex life eventually. And so I looked at my job during sex or my job in our sex life.

[B]

He's nervous again.

[A]

I am. I'm feeling vulnerable. No, but I honestly, I looked at my role or I looked at it as like, I had to make sure that our sex was good enough so that we never really had to look at our own shit. And I succeeded for a short amount of time, and then I failed.

[B]

Not that long.

[A]

Thank goodness. That didn't last for very long because, man, that was fucking exhausting too. And it was anxiety provoking and probably had way worse sex than I could have been having. But also, I was like 22, 23. I'm not sure how good a sex I could have been having at that age. Anyway, Seriously, guys, I don't drink wine anymore, but, like, a fine bottle of wine. Sex only gets better with time.

[B]

Okay? So anyways, you know, I think so many of us have this idea in our heads that the only thing or like, the main thing that we need to do or the main thing that's holding us back from having great sex is, like, just being able to let go. But then it turns into this really awful spiral because 80% of us can't let go. And then we beat ourselves up for not being able to let go. This can happen in the moment. You might be just absolutely beating yourself up thinking, like, why am I not letting go? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just let go? And obviously outside of the bedroom, too, just feeling like something's wrong with you or you're broken in some way that you're not able to get into that space.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, this is very much the same way that somebody that deals with anxiety is constantly thinking, why can't I just relax? Why can't I just relax? And the focusing on why can't I just relax? Only feeds the problem, because then you're more and more wound up about something that you are wanting to do, but you're not actually doing any of the things that would actually be supportive of relaxation. You're just, you know, you're basically proverbially whipping yourself and you're wondering, oh, why does this hurt? Whip, Whip. Why am I in pain? There you Go. Not in a sexy way. Not the sexy kind of whips and chains.

[B]

So here's our unpopular opinion. We actually think that the idea of needing to just let go in order to have amazing sex is B.S.

[A]

yeah, just fuck it. Fuck trying to let go.

[B]

Focusing so much on trying to let go in the bedroom often leads to us shutting down and beating ourselves up instead. Whip.

[A]

Whip.

[B]

And I don't think anybody has ever had the experience of telling themselves, ugh, just let go. And it actually worked. I mean, please reach out and let us know if that magically worked for you.

[A]

What was the. What was the special magic passphrase that you used that made it work for you?

[B]

But here's the real heart of the problem. Letting go is a passive thing. But all of our advice about having an extraordinary sex life is active. Something that you have to choose to do rather than something that you just passively let happen to you. So we're gonna get into a different way of thinking about how to show up during sex. Because the ultimate goal here is people wanna have great sex. And we can get you there, but with something more active and more tangible than just let go. Just let it happen. So first we have to reset some expectations, because I think people think of letting go, and they think of it very similarly to meditation. Like, you think you should just be able to get into some Zen state where you're not thinking any thoughts whatsoever. You're just fully immersed in the moment, fully present in the moment. But that does not happen.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Our brains are very active. Most of us are multitasking all day, every day. We have trained our brains to think of mind multiple things at the same time all day long. And there is not this magic button that we just press. And all of a sudden our brains completely shut off the second that we take our clothes off.

[A]

Well, I mean, the only time your brain really shuts off, arguably, is sleep. And it doesn't really shut off.

[B]

No, not at all.

[A]

It just goes into a different state of activity.

[B]

Yeah. So you are not going to reach this, like, Zen enlightenment stage during sex with, like, with nothing, you know, no thoughts whatsoever. Nothing there. But the present moment. Like, we have. I will have moments of that. Absolutely. And those are, like, some really fun. And I'm not trying to downplay it. Like, those are some really fun moments when it feels like time stands still. It's just you and me. It's just connection and pleasure and energy in that moment. But that's not the entire time that we have sex.

[A]

Oh, no, not at all. Like, they're very few and far between. Recently we had. We managed to do it like twice, two days in a row. And I was like, wow. I was like, man, like me, are we. Am I, like, on to something?

[B]

And it was gone.

[A]

It was gone. It was gone. It was. But it's a good. It's just a good reminder that you can't expect. You can't expect perfection. You can't expect like 99 out of 100 every single time.

[B]

And we still have sex that I think is great sex. But there are moments when I'm distracted. There are moments when a random thought pops into my head. There are moments when I'm not present. There are moments when I'm not letting go. So I think looking at it, at this all or nothing in that kind of way is sabotaging ourselves. So this is one of the rare times where I want to tell people, like, let's lower your expectations a little bit. It doesn't need to be like, either sex is terrible because I'm a control freak and I'm not letting go, or sex is absolute perfection because I've fully and completely let go and I'm completely present in the moment and nothing else is going on. Like, you can have great, fantastic, extraordinary, connecting, pleasurable sex with where you're having moments of going in and out of these different states.

[A]

Yeah, I think if you're going to draw the comparison to meditation, because that's a really good comparison. Meditation or mindfulness, whatever you want to call it, even, even like prayer, you know, all these are all similar things. Anyone that is really well practiced in those things will tell you that the goal of meditation, of mindfulness, of prayer, whatever it is, is not that you are completely absent of thought, not that you are completely 100% focused on just the one thing that you're trying to focus on. Like meditation. Despite what most people think, most people think that meditation is getting into a state where you don't have any thoughts. It could not be further from that. What meditation is, is being able to disassociate yourself from your thoughts. It's recognizing my thoughts are always going to be there. That is the definition of being alive and sentient, is having a stream of consciousness. And it's. It's thinking of your thoughts as a river and you getting out of the river and getting onto the bank of the stream. Bank of the river and getting to a point where you are able to observe the thoughts coming down the stream and then going out of your frame of reference. Right. It is Just observing this thought is here. It's moving on. Oh, there's another one now. Okay, interesting. I see that. And I'm going to let it move on. Like, that is really the peak of meditation is just being able to be aware of your thoughts, but not like, jumping into the stream with them. And even someone that is like a meditation master, like, lives at a monastery, and all they do is meditate for, like, 10 hours a day. They will tell you, yeah, sometimes I get really, really into it, and it's transcendental and it's amazing. And a lot of the times it's a slog. It's called a practice for a reason. Like, you have to have challenging practices in order to have amazing results sometimes.

[B]

Okay, so I just talked about how letting go is passive, but we're all about being active. And I think where this really shows up is your reasons that you are not able to let go are actually really important. And they're very different. Right? Like, I read this long list of different reasons. Somebody worrying about their body image versus somebody feeling anxious about feeling pain. Those are two very different experiences. A mom having a hard time switching out of mom mode and somebody worrying about doing sex the right way. Those are two very different experiences. And this is the problem with the whole just let go thing is, like, it lumps all these experiences into one piece of advice that's not really advice. So what you need to do is actually get curious about what is really going on for you. Why are you not able to. And let's take the word let go out of it, but, like, why are you not able to get into the state of mind or get into the kind of energy that you want to get into during sex? And we'll get into that in a moment because it's actually a different piece of advice. So I would ask yourself, and this is something that you could do, like, open a note in your phone and the next few times you have sex, like, don't try to do anything differently. Don't try to change anything, but just start getting curious and ask yourself, like, what's getting in the way during sex? So is it, am I distracted? Am I thinking about my to do list? Am I in pain? Am I feeling ashamed or embarrassed about something related to sex? Am I mad at my partner? And not really even, like, wanting to be here, being intimate with them? You know, what is the specific thing that's coming up for you? And just start jotting that down and see if there are specific things that come up more frequently. So if you have like a random day that you're just feeling self conscious of your body, but in general you tend to be pretty confident in your body. Like that might not be something that you need to spend a ton of time and attention on.

[A]

No, not at all.

[B]

But if consistently, yeah, if you're like, I am consistently distracted because I'm beating myself up about my body, I'm consistently thinking negative thoughts about my body, then that is a sign that that's something to pay attention to.

[A]

I mean, here's an interesting way of thinking about it if you consider like, I'll say this as, as inclusively as possible for anybody's, however anyone wants to conceive of this. But like whether it's nature, the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, gave us the ability to have such a pleasurable peak connecting experience with our partners. Insects. I don't think many people.

[B]

Oh my God, I thought you said

[A]

insects like a bug insect.

[B]

I was like, wait, I'm so confused. Why are we talking about when it

[A]

comes to sex, nature, God, the universe has given us this incredible gift. I don't think many people would argue with that. When done right, sex can be one of the most connecting, pleasurable, transcendental, peak experiences that we are able to have as human beings. And it is such an interesting sign that our, that our bodies are giving us that, you know, nature is showing us, the universe is showing us, God is showing us. Whatever you want to, whatever lands for you like that you are get, you are receiving a message. If you are consistently being blocked from experiencing that level of connection, that level of pleasure, that level of peak experience, you're being blocked by something. It is, your like body is basically telling you, hey, there is something that is going on with you that is significant enough that, that I am not able to give you this experience. It is, it is literally like your body giving you a warning sign saying something is going on in your life that is preventing you from this and it's an invitation to address whatever that is.

[B]

So what we need to do here is pick a better goal. So if the idea of letting go isn't a great goal for us to work towards, like, instead, let's think about what is the real goal.

[A]

Yeah, we're like, what is my body telling me is so bad that it is not able to have this experience? What is that thing or those things?

[B]

And if you're thinking about the specific reasons that come up for you that get in the way of you being able to let go, I think if we think about like, well, the goal is just letting go. Then it turns into. In a weird way, it actually turns into an excuse to not have to do any real work on the other things. Like, let's use body confidence as an example again, if you're like, well, I just need to let go of my body confidence. Okay, good luck with that. But it's like, that's not the actual work of developing more confidence in your body. Learning how to have body neutrality or learning how to love your skin, learning how to have a different relationship with your body. You're like, oh, I just need to let go. It circumvents you being able to do this deeper work that's actually going to have a much more profound impact on your life.

[A]

Or. Or you're like, well, I just. I just can't really enjoy sex very much because I'm. Because my body confidence is so poor or because this thing is going on like you are. You're putting yourself into like a. A bit of like a victim mindset or a bit of a. Like a passive, like, oh, well, I. I can't do anything because this other thing is just in my way. You will get to that thing in your sex life if you can address the things that are actually in your way. Most of us just want to avoid that because they're hard problems. We think they're hard problems to solve, but usually they are much easier than we think if we can just break them down into smaller steps.

[B]

So I want people to think about their specific goals for their sex life. And this is something that's always so interesting to me. You know, if you ask a random person, he, do you want to have a great sex life? The vast majority of people are going to say yes. But if you ask them, okay, well, what does that mean to you? What does great sex mean to you? What are your goals for your sex life? Most people cannot answer that. They've never thought about those questions. So this is a really interesting thing for you to spend some time on. Like, what are your goals for your sex life? What would great sex feel like to you? What would a great experience with your partner be like? So I think it's best to come up with like three to five specific things that you really would love to experience. So maybe it's something like being able to be more playful. Maybe it is developing a better relationship with your body. Maybe it's being more connected to your partner. Maybe it's feeling more worthy of desire. Maybe it's working on the trauma that you've Experienced in the past. Like, there are a ton of different paths that you can go down, but it has to start with you identifying what are your specific goals for your sex life. We are in the dog days of summer right now and if you are a hot sleeper, you have to check out the Cozy earth bamboo sheet set. It is temperature regulating so it helps you stay nice and cool even on the hottest summer days. These sheets are so soft, so silky. Cozy Earth really hit it out of the park with their brand name because literally everything they make is very soft and very cozy. They stand behind everything they make. They have a 10 year warranty and a hundred nights of hassle free returns on bedding. I was also just checking out. They have these beach towels that are so cute. We have their regular towels which are super soft and fluffy, but the beach towels have these adorable like striped designs, both horizontal and vertical stripes.

[A]

Ooh, we got our super cute colors purchase.

[B]

Oh, yeah. So definitely make sure to check those out too. And we have an exclusive discount for you. Head to cozyearth.com and use our code pillow for an exclusive 20% off. If you want to check out those sheets. They're made from viscose for bamboo. They're breathable, soft, just built for summer. That is Code Pillow for an exclusive 20% off. And if you see a post purchase survey mention that you heard about Cozy Earth right here on Pillow talks. Okay, I know we're talking about some lofty things here, but we do want to like, let's bring this back down and make it practical. But again, like, I do, I want to encourage people to do this deeper exploration of their sex life, of the things that are getting in the way. And like, the ultimate lesson that I want people walking away from this episode with is like, there are specific things that come up for each of us. We all have baggage, complications, challenges around sex, but this should be an invitation for us to take a look at those things and recognize, like, these are worth my time, these are worth my energy, these are worth me working on. And I hope it gives you more of a sense of agency, knowing like, oh, I get to choose my goals, I get to choose how I want to work on these things rather than just feeling like, oh, all I do is let go, but. But I don't know how to let go and I can't let go. And it's never worked for me in the past. So what's wrong with me?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, what if we, we could like go back to, you know what some of those main reasons were that people were saying, it's hard to turn off my brain. It's hard to let go because of these reasons. And like, you know, maybe give a suggestion or two for, you know, what, what a step in the right direction there could be. So, you know, hey, body image, that was number one. Instead of being like, you know, kind of whipping yourself and like, why can't I just let go? Why can't I just get over my body image issues? Maybe it's initiating a conversation, a vulnerable conversation with your partner, asking what their experience looking at you is when you're having sex with them. I think that can be a really powerful and eye opening conversation. You know, we've had conversations like that where you kind of are pointing out things on your body that you see that you wonder if I see that you're concerned about. And like, I don't, it boggles my mind. Like, I don't even know what these things are. Or like, I'm like, well, yeah, if you're on top of me, of course gravity is pulling your breasts down. Or like, of course, you know, like, this is like, this is what we look like, you know, when we have our clothes off and we're in this position. It would be weird if it didn't look like that. All I can think about is how hot you are, how much I love your naked body. And so I think, you know, I'm just initiating some conversation. Rather than forcing yourself to assume, you know, what your partner is thinking. But the antidote to that is actually checking with them, hey, what are you actually thinking? And then if you are finding yourself, of course not believing what they are telling you, that maybe that's something to work on in the of personal therapy, possibly that might be a deeper seated concern, but like, you know, just got get the process started on that.

[B]

And also like any one of these challenges that you might be dealing with personally, we probably have a pillow talks podcast episode for it. So you can just search, you know, we definitely have stuff about body image. We have stuff about just plain old distracting thoughts. So just search pillow talks and whatever your specific concern is and you'll probably have something that will pop up. But let's talk about, let's kind of bring this back down, make it a little bit more grounded and practical too and talk about some specific ways to bring yourself back in the moment. So we were talking about mindfulness before and I do think that that's a really great tool for us to use in the moment. So you are going to get distracted during sex you are going to have random thoughts. You are going to have anxious thoughts. You are going to be thinking about your to do list. Like, that's just how our brain works. We cannot pre that. So rather than trying to force yourself not to think anything, we have to acknowledge, like, it's just gonna happen. That's okay. We have to expect it. And in the moment, just take a second to acknowledge it. Oh, random thought there. Okay, I'm gonna think about that later. Oh, that's a, you know, Yep. Little to do list reminder. I can tackle that once we finish here. So if you think a distracting thought and then you start beating yourself up for thinking an attracting thought, and then you're going on this whole distraction spiral, like, that gets you nowhere. But just take a split second in that moment to say, okay, that's a thought. I'm gonna let that one pass.

[A]

It's kind of like the mental equivalent of like, your friend calls you, your phone rings in a moment. You can't pick up the phone, so you like, shoot them the quick little text where it's just like, I'll call you, but I'll call you back in a little bit. Like, can't. Can't talk right now. Call you back in a second.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. You're sending your. You're sending your thoughts. The can't talk right now. Let you know in a minute. Get back to you in a minute.

[A]

So, yeah, then, you know, your friend goes, oh, okay, they saw, they're thinking about me. I totally get that. Versus, you know, I think what most people do is they hit decline call, and then they go about what they were doing. And then like, three days later, they're like, oh, shit. Like, Andrea called me and I never called her back. Like, I'm such a horrible friend. And then that's no good.

[B]

Another thing you can do in the moment is to remind yourself of your goals. And that's why it is so important to go through that step of thinking about what your goals are. So when you remind yourself of them in the moment, that just instantly gets you locked back in on them. So if you want to remind yourself, like, hey, my goal is just to feel more connected to my partner, or my goal is to feel more pleasure. My goal is to be more curious. You know, just the act of thinking that will get you started on that in the moment.

[A]

I mean, if you are a to do list person, might it even be helpful to be like, I am in the middle of a very important job on My to do list, which is having a really fucking good time having sex right now, is to feel as much pleasure as possible. And like, you know, I'm sure there's other tasks that you do where you look, hey, don't interrupt me. This is a really important. This is a really important task that requires my focus. Can you add focused sex to your list of responsibilities? That might be a sneaky, sneaky way. Yeah. Gorilla sex tactic.

[B]

I don't know how I feel about calling it a gorilla sex tactic, but that is an interesting thing. We have been talking lately about how so we've been making this mindset shift of sex is the best part of our day.

[A]

So why are you passing that up?

[B]

When you really think about it in that way, it just shifts everything around it. Most people treat sex like the last thing on the to do list. The thing that's always getting bumped further down the list for other more important things.

[A]

Only if we really deserve it because we did everything right. And then we're magically both energetic and horny right before we fall asleep.

[B]

Yeah, that doesn't happen. But, yeah, if you think about sex as this is the best part of my day. This is the best thing that we do together, it just really reorients everything else around that. Another thing that you can do is to bring yourself back into your own body. So pay attention to the sensations that you're feeling. That one thing alone, it sounds so simple, but it is so powerful and it can have such a huge impact. Just bringing yourself back into your body and asking yourself, where am I feeling good? What am I feeling? Can I describe the sensation? Can I locate the sensation?

[A]

You want to take that up even a notch is literally say out loud what that is to your partner. Tell your partner, like, oh, my God, this feels, you know, when touching my. Whatever, you know, insert the blank like this. This feels so good. That feels so good. Like just describing to your partner is. I mean, so not only will that be more effective, because when you. Because then you're thinking it and you're saying it, that is going to like, you are taking an even more active role in what you are doing. And you're also going to kind of fire up the intensity of the experience for your partner, which ultimately will probably fire up the intensity for you. Because most of us like hearing what is enjoyable to our partner. Right? So, yeah, I mean, that's something that, that we've been talking about a lot recently because I was like, hey, it would be super hot if you narrated to me a little Bit more. And you have been, and it's great.

[B]

Another thing you can do is another thing that it's so simple, but it's very powerful, is just focusing on your breath, paying attention to how you're breathing, feeling your breath move in and out through your body. It's just such a great way to bring yourself back into the moment and into your body. And another category of things that you can do is trying to pay more attention to your partner. You know, ultimately, we want to let go so we can have this really intimate, connecting, pleasurable experience with our partner. So rather than the passive let go, do something active to feel more connected to your partner. So a great thing to do is, like, make eye contact with your partner. We've been pulling this recently, and it's just shocking how few people make eye contact during sex. Like, a lot of people just keep their eyes closed the whole time or they don't look at each other. Yeah, you're missing out on a lot of intimacy.

[A]

When we lock eyes. Lock is maybe an intense word, but,

[B]

like, when we stare at each other.

[A]

But no, I feel like that those are the most intimate moments of the entire experience. And it's not. To be clear, guys, we are not, like, staring into each other's eyes the entire time. I guess we could be, but that might be a bit. That would be a bit much. But, like, there are definite moments where, you know, because, like, I'll be looking at you, you'll be looking at me, and eventually it's like, oh, I'm looking at you right when you're looking at me.

[B]

And it will be, look at her. What was that? Right? And she looks at me, and I look at her.

[A]

But, yeah, no, I mean, it's like, I can even, like, see that in my. In my mind's eye right now. And it's. It is. That is. That is one of the most connecting experiences that I can imagine for us.

[B]

You could also touch your partner, too. Just reaching out and, like, stroking their skin, caressing their back, rubbing their arms. It's reminding me of. We have another episode about. I forget the title, but it's like, how to be more engaged during sex. A lot of women were like, what am I supposed to do? Do I just kind of, like, lie there? I don't know. I want to show my partner that I'm into it and I'm there with them. So stuff like just touching them, I think, makes a big difference. It makes your partner feel like you're really there in the moment with them, and then you Just like having that contact with your partner's body and can pull you out of your head a little bit, too. And another thing that you can do is talk to your partner. You could talk dirty to them. That's like. Talking dirty is a great way to beat mental distraction.

[A]

Yeah, it's really hard to be distracted when you're having a conversation with someone. Like, when you are actively conversating with someone. Like, it is very hard to be distracted by a bunch of thoughts or be totally in your head because you are actually focused on the other person, which is. Is such a shame. Dirty talk is one of those things that so many people are scared to do. Like, the majority of people don't do this in bed. They think of it as this, like, kinky, almost like, extreme pornographic thing. And it's like, dirty talk might be the biggest cheat code to getting out of your head and into your body that there is. Because. Yeah. I mean, when was the last time that you were in the middle of a heated conversation with someone and you lot and, like, you got distracted by racing thoughts in your. In your mind? Like, I'll wait for you to tell me, because I know that you don't have that experience.

[B]

You can also talk to your partner in a more vulnerable way, too. So, like, kind of sharing with them. And I know this might feel weird for a lot of people, but you could say to your partner in the moment, like, I'm having a really hard time. Like. Like, I'm feeling so distracted. Could we, like, slow down for a minute and just focus on, like, reconnecting with each other? So I know, again, I know that sounds like a tall order. That is a vulnerable thing to say to your partner, but it could also be a really powerful thing to say to your partner, too.

[A]

Well, because it'll also probably cue your partner to pay a little more attention to you and be checking in with you more and be trying to be like, oh, like, I want to be there for you, and I want to bring you along in this experience rather than the part your, you know, your partner thinking, okay, yeah, I'm just kind of doing the thing that we always do. It kind of cues them to be like, oh, maybe I kind of need to reset here and, you know, actively take care of my partner a little more.

[B]

And, yeah, that. That is an especially important thing if you're, like, experiencing pain, experiencing trauma, anything like that. Like, it is very important to be able to check in with your partner. And I want to remind you, too, that what you're doing, like, you're telling your partner, like, I want to be present with you. I want to really connected. I want us to have a good time. I'm struggling with that right now. Or, like, here's something that I need right now. So ultimately, like, it's a good thing that you're asking your partner for. So really what this boils down to is you making a decision to invest in your sex life, to work on your sex life again. Like, if you're just letting go, it's this passive thing. It doesn't require any, like, deeper thought, any action whatsoever. But what we really want to encourage you to do is to recognize, like, my sex life is important. My sex life is valuable. My sex life is worth me taking a look at and working on and really, our sex lives. I know it's so easy for us to write it off as this. It's just this purely physical act. But it really is an invitation to take a look at these deeper dynamics that show up. It's a really beautiful invitation for us to do deeper work. So I know it might feel really frustrating in the moment, like, oh, why can't I just let go? But your body, your mind, your spirit, your soul are, like, trying to tell you something.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's important to listen. It's worth listening to. All right, well, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.

[A]

It.