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Pillow Talks
Episode 166: How To Create More Privacy For Sex
00:58:13
Does a lack of privacy get in the way of your sex life? You’re not alone.
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- [00:00]
Xander Marin
Ew. I can't believe you want to have sex and pay me to watch the kids and go somewhere while you have sex in your own house. Nobody said that. We did hear a lot of pushback from a lot of parents. I feel like we've done a couple reels about this and they're like, arguments. Parents are like, I could never do this. You know, babysitter is going to know what we're doing.
- [00:27]
Vanessa Marin
Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.
- [00:35]
Xander Marin
Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.
- [00:43]
Vanessa Marin
Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. This episode of Pillow Talks is brought to you by zocdoc. Zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Go to Zocdoc.comPillow and download the Zocdoc app for free. Does a lack of privacy get in the way of your sex life? This is the question that we ask to our Instagram audience. And by the way, if you're not following us on Instagram, definitely make sure to do that. We are at Vanessa and Xander, that Xander with an X. So when we asked that question, 62% of people said that, yes, privacy gets in the way of their sex life. And 22% said it gets in the way in a major way, like, really, really bad impact. We also asked, if you had more privacy, do you think you would have more sex or. Or better sex? And to that, only 8% of people said no. Like, 92% of people said, yes, we would have more sex, we would have better sex if we had more privacy. So clearly, privacy is a big issue. It's having a really big impact on our relationships.
- [02:15]
Xander Marin
All right, so you might be wondering, where are we at in these stats? And as of two weeks ago, I would have said not really. Privacy does not impact our sex life. However, we actually had an experience just about a week ago, maybe right, where we had an intrusion in our sex life. We were.
- [02:36]
Vanessa Marin
We had a privacy violation.
- [02:38]
Xander Marin
We had a privacy violation.
- [02:39]
Vanessa Marin
Serious privacy violation.
- [02:40]
Xander Marin
We were. We were in the middle of sex. We were in the middle of intercourse. We were getting down to it, and all of a sudden we heard a little tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. And I was like, wait a second. You can't hear our dogs tapping in the hallway through our door that loudly. And then I look over, Vanessa looks over, and in comes Maggie, our little black pug. Jumps on the bed. Like before. We were just dumbfounded, the whole experience.
- [03:08]
Vanessa Marin
She was excited to see us. She was curious. She wanted to come in and see what was going on. And we were not very excited about that.
- [03:16]
Xander Marin
We were not excited about that. And we were both thinking the same thing. I think looking at each other, it's like, wait, I close the door. Wait, no, you close the door. How did this happen? We always close the door 100% of the time.
- [03:29]
Vanessa Marin
Xander was like, I need you to get her out of here.
- [03:33]
Xander Marin
Yeah. I was like, I'm not. It's not responsible of me to pick her up and move her out of here right now in the state that I'm in. So I'm gonna need your support in that.
- [03:45]
Vanessa Marin
So today we have an entire episode for you with tips and tricks for creating more privacy for sex. But before we get into it, we just have to give a little disclaimer up top here. The majority of the situations that we're talking about today are privacy from kids. Like, just worrying about your kids, overhearing. And so whenever we do content about kids, we always like to acknowledge we don't have kids ourselves. The reason that we do wind up talking about kids and parenting stuff is because I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. So, you know, my training is in working with families, in working with kids.
- [04:20]
Xander Marin
And many people in relationships, especially past a certain age, the vast majority of them have kids.
- [04:26]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. So we always like to be really careful about saying, you know, even if we did have kids ourselves, we do not believe that there's one right way to be a parent or, everybody should do this. Everybody should do that. Like, we're going to give you a lot of different tips and techniques, and everything is going to be based on, you know, your own unique situation, your home, your family, your, you know, values, all that kind of stuff. So we just always like to be really careful about saying that before we get into it.
- [04:54]
Xander Marin
Also, though, of course, you may not have kids, you may just have fur babies that may be intruding on your privacy, kind of like what happened to us recently, or maybe you have roommates. That's a very real situation. Maybe you live with family, like, and so privacy can absolutely impact you and so I think many of the tips that we are going to give could potentially apply to non kids as well.
- [05:18]
Vanessa Marin
So the tips that we're going to be sharing with you actually come straight from a lesson in our course, Rediscovering Us Intimacy and Sex for Parents. So that course really goes deep on helping parents create an amazing sex life, even after having made the transition into becoming parents. So we are pulling all of this content out of that course and sharing it with you today? Absolutely. For free. Okay, so let's get into some tips for creating privacy. And I think that's actually kind of the first tip. It's like, let's create the privacy that we want.
- [05:53]
Xander Marin
Yeah. I mean, don't just wait. Don't just wait 18 years for your kids to grow up and move out. Don't just wait for the situation to solve itself. Like, oh, I have roommates and like, I'm just going to wait for them to leave or wait for them to move out and leave me alone. Or, you know, I'm just going to, like, I'm just going to expect that the situation will somehow magically change. It's not going to magically change. Like, you have to take action and actually create that privacy. So let's talk about how we do that.
- [06:22]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. I mean, I think this is an area where a lot of people just inadvertently fall into a sense of helplessness. It's like, we don't have privacy. Like, people are around, people are going to hear, and we don't just take that moment to think about, like, okay, what can I do to create a little bit more privacy? Like, obviously there are different logistical realities that different people are going to be working with. If you have, like, incredibly thin walls, if you're sharing walls, like, of course there are different unique situations for everybody. But the point that we really want to make here is that there are always options. We just have to be creative and we have to put some thought and some intentionality behind it. Hey, Kristen, how's it tracking with Carvana Value Tracker? What else? Oh, it's in fact, value surge alert. Trucks up 2.5%. Vans down 1.7, just as predicted.
- [07:12]
Xander Marin
Mm.
- [07:13]
Vanessa Marin
So we gonna, I don't know, could sell, could hold the power to always know our car's worth. Exhilarating, isn't it? Tracking Always know your car's worth with Carvana Value Tracker. There are some things in life that are okay to be a total crapshoot, like trying out a cheap Instagram ad, impulse buy, rolling the dice on a new workout. Class or mix fixing it up with a new takeout spot. But finding the right doctor should not be a total crapshoot. And with Zocdoc, it's not. Because you've got more options than you know. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about in network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty from mental health to dental health, eye care to skin care, and much more. You can filter for. Doctors who take your insurance, are located nearby, are a good fit for any medical needs you have, and most importantly, are highly rated by verified patients. Plus, Zocdoc appointments happen fast, typically within 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments. The next time Zander or I need a new doctor, we will not be rolling the dice. We will turn to Zocdoc. So stop, stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com pillow to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c-o c.com pillow zocdoc.com pillow so first let's talk about sound privacy. If you're worried about your kids or roommates or anyone like overhearing the sex that you're having, good news here is that there are so many different things you can do to create a little bit of sound privacy. The obvious one here, get some sort of sound machine, like something to dampen or like to cover up the noise so you can get white noise machines. We actually love white noise machines for sleeping. Anyways, pro tip for sleeping, like having a little bit of white noise on in the background.
- [09:22]
Xander Marin
Oh yeah. Especially if you, if you live in a city on a noisy street or something, you know, like those trash trucks come rumbling around like two days a week or whatever it is. I feel like we got really used to using a white noise machine when we lived in, you know, San Francisco, Berlin, Los Angeles. But we got so used to it. We live somewhere that's super quiet now, but we still use it because we're just, we got used to having that sound in the background. You very quickly acclimate to it and then honestly, you actually feel much more comfortable with that sound. It kind of feels like you're almost like wrapped up in this nice, just like constant drone that your mind kind of tunes out, but it creates this feeling of protection and privacy.
- [10:07]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. And you can get a Great white noise machine on Amazon for, like 30 bucks. So these are cheap, and you will be surprised by how much sound they drown out. Like, when I used to see clients in person, you know, in my therapy office, like, we were a group of therapists all together and, like, everybody would have white noise machines going. And it doesn't seem like that much noise, but you could never hear a peep coming out of the offices. So they really can drown out a lot of noise. Or if you want to get, like an air diffuser, even a fan, like an old school box fan going, like just some sort of, you know, whirring noise in the background can really drown out a lot.
- [10:43]
Xander Marin
Yeah, we actually use a whole combination.
- [10:45]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah, we're gonna walk away.
- [10:47]
Xander Marin
Yeah, we have a white noise machine that sits outside of the room that the dogs sleep in because they snore really loud. Then we have a air purifier in our room that is running and that definitely basically makes a type of white noise, like some kind of just ongoing drone. And we also have a humidifier in our room. And so, yeah, I mean, we definitely are just used to kind of having background noise. And honestly, it's really nice. It does take a little getting used to, but once you're used to it, it is really comforting.
- [11:20]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah, and these are also great if you have guests coming over too. Like, that's another situation we haven't mentioned yet. Like, if you're just kind of temporarily worried about, like, I've got people staying for the weekend, but I still want to have sex, what do I do? We even have an extra air purifier that we offer to guests for their own sound dampening. So those are always great to have around. And again, they're really inexpensive. You can buy one for 20, 30 bucks on Amazon. Now, the trick with any sort of sound machine, if you have kids or, you know, family, is to put it on every single night. Like, you don't want it to be this obvious. Like, okay, we're going to go have sex now. So now, like, everybody knows what it means when the fan goes on. Like, put it on every night so that there's no association with, like, oh, I don't know what that noise means.
- [12:06]
Xander Marin
Yeah, I mean, also for yourself. Like, you know, in the example Vanessa just gave of, like, oh, when guests come over, we use it or something like that. Like, use it every night so that you yourself are used to it, because it does take a little getting used to. And, you know, so that way, whenever you do have guests, it's just like a normal thing. It's not like, oh, you're trying to fall asleep, and you're like, oh, my God, there's so much noise.
- [12:28]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. Other options are to play music. And again, same thing here as with the noise. Like, you don't want to like, oh, here comes mom and mom sexy playlist or anything like that. Or play the tv. And I think the TV in particular can be a great one because a lot of people just watch TV in bed. That also gives you a good excuse of like, hey, we're gonna have our own private time. Like, we're gonna watch our own show. We're going up to our bedroom to watch our movie. You know, so it creates some. It creates privacy beyond just the sound element as well.
- [13:00]
Xander Marin
Yeah. I mean, the only caveat about, like, music or TV is that as, you know, songs and TV shows are, you know, at varying volumes. So it's like. It's not like a constant droning noise, which is, you know, the benefit, the pro to the white noise, the air purifier or whatever. I mean, you can also do these things in. In tandem with each other, but, you know. Yeah. The reality of a TV is, like, you never know. You might be, like, getting to the climax of what you're doing, and all of a sudden, you know, you have, like, two minutes of silence in the show.
- [13:31]
Vanessa Marin
When is there ever two minutes of silence in a show?
- [13:34]
Xander Marin
No, no, not silence. Maybe you're watching something really suspenseful and there's like, all this action, and then all of a sudden, like, something scary and suspenseful happens and it's, like, really quiet.
- [13:43]
Vanessa Marin
I don't think you should watch scary, suspenseful things while you're having sex.
- [13:46]
Xander Marin
Yeah, I would definitely not. I would definitely not recommend that. All I know, the TV is not for me. We used to. We used to, like, have the TV going in our room a lot. And the problem is it's like you're tuning out the tv and then all of a sudden, like, someone says something weird or, like, something weird comes on and you're like, what the am I watching? Like, why are we doing this?
- [14:06]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. I will say I recommend the noise machine sound machines over tv, but I think a lot of people feel more comfortable with TV because they're like, oh, yeah, well, we, you know, we do that. Anyways, next, let's talk about squeaky bed frames.
- [14:19]
Xander Marin
Oh, yeah.
- [14:20]
Vanessa Marin
You would not.
- [14:20]
Xander Marin
Common culprit.
- [14:21]
Vanessa Marin
How many people are like, oh, well, we can't have sex because our bed frame squeaks. If your bed frame Squeaks. You gotta fix it.
- [14:27]
Xander Marin
Yeah. Or you gotta. Or you gotta get a new one. Because, like, squeaky bed frames usually are old and starting to break down.
- [14:35]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. So get out that WD40. If you need to grease it up, go buy some cheapy one or get it off of Craigslist or Facebook marketplace, Whatever you need to do. But, like, get a bed frame that doesn't squeak also.
- [14:46]
Xander Marin
Yeah. The one plug I'll make about bed frames because we used to have a fairly squeaky bed frame. Is that what I had to do is just like every couple months I had to, like, tighten all the. I don't know, like nuts or bolts or screws or whatever it was. Like, I had to get an allen wrench out and kind of like, re. Tighten some of the things on the bed. I think that, you know, a lot of us put these things together and then like, years go by and we forget that. You know, especially if you're having sex and it's moving around a lot, things start to loosen. And when those, like, metal parts start to loosen, they start to squeak. You'd be surprised that just like, if you crank everything as tight as it can go, a lot of that noise might just go away.
- [15:27]
Vanessa Marin
And if you also have an issue with your bed frame, like, smashing against the wall, the classic, like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Good for you.
- [15:34]
Xander Marin
Cause you're really fucking. Yeah.
- [15:37]
Vanessa Marin
Oh, I hate that voice. So if that is an issue, look up wall protectors. They make wall protectors for beds. It's like little things that you can insert between. Obviously it's different based on what your, you know, your bed frame, your headboard looks like. But basically things that you can put between the bed frame and the wal, there's no smashing sound. One person even told us that they took like an old pool noodle and cut it in half and just put that there. So it's just like, you know, again, didn't cost anything. It just took them a few minutes to do, but it created a little bit of that padding.
- [16:10]
Xander Marin
Oh, yeah.
- [16:11]
Vanessa Marin
There wasn't any noise.
- [16:12]
Xander Marin
Yeah, I mean, just like stick some foam in or whatever. You know, probably from, like random packages you get from Amazon or whatever. You might end up with random pieces of foam. That works really well.
- [16:23]
Vanessa Marin
If you've been following us for a while, you know that we are absolutely obsessed with our pugs, Maggie and Chauncey, and we will do literally anything for them.
- [16:33]
Xander Marin
Yeah.
- [16:33]
Vanessa Marin
So we were very excited when Chewy reached out about being a podcast sponsor because they have absolutely Everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy.
- [16:44]
Xander Marin
Which are two things that we love for our dogs.
- [16:47]
Vanessa Marin
They have over a hundred thousand products. Food, treats, beds, you name it. Everything gets shipped directly to your door in one to two days. The shipping was crazy fast. I could not believe it.
- [16:58]
Xander Marin
They're not messing around.
- [16:59]
Vanessa Marin
They also now offer pet prescriptions, pet insurance, telehealth, vet visits, and they're even rolling out vet clinics across the entire country. They have top tier 247 customer service. You can get expert advice over chat or phone, day or night. And if your pet does not love something, Chewy's 100% satisfaction guarantee lets you return it within a year, no questions asked. That is freaking wild.
- [17:26]
Xander Marin
But I do have to say, our dogs will not be allowing us to return what we got for them because they love them.
- [17:34]
Vanessa Marin
We had a lot of fun shopping around on Chewy to find what we should try out for our pets. We ended up going with some smoked marrow bones. I have to say, we have gotten smoked marrow bones from a pet store in town and we got these smoked marrow bones from Chewy and our dogs went absolutely nuts over them.
- [17:55]
Xander Marin
Yeah, there's no sending these back. You're going to have to pry them out of.
- [17:59]
Vanessa Marin
I mean, they, yeah, they like spend way longer on them. They seem way more excited by them, like, and they're also way cheaper than even paying at our local store too. So we're super impressed. We will be loading up on even more smoked marrow bones. Chewy truly has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to chewy.compillows that's chewy.compillows P I L L O W S to save $20 on your first order with free shipping. Chewy.compillows minimum purchase required. New customers only. Terms and conditions apply. See site for complete details. Another option is to get creative. We asked our Instagram community, you know, tell us what tips or tricks have you learned to create a little bit more privacy, especially for parents? And so many parents told us sex on the closet floor. Like, do not underestimate just getting into your closet and just doing it on the floor.
- [19:03]
Xander Marin
Like, yeah, something with a rug.
- [19:05]
Vanessa Marin
A rug. And just having an extra door to close can help you feel a lot more comfortable. So obviously, like, that's not an ideal thing that every single time you know you're having sex on the closet floor. Like, we hope some of the other techniques will help it feel more comfortable to be in your bed and be comfortable. But I think, you know, most people have a different spot within their, you know, room. Or maybe it's like on a chair or a bench or in the bathroom. It can be another great option too. But just like someplace that you can go if you're feeling extra self conscious, you know, the kids are awake, whatever it is.
- [19:37]
Xander Marin
Yeah. I think that what can really go a long way here is even if you don't use this option very frequently, it's just knowing in the back of your mind, oh, we have a backup plan. In a worst case scenario, we have somewhere that we can go where we feel more comfortable. Because I think that what really comes up often is like, Vanessa was saying, as you fall into that trap of like, oh, we don't have privacy. We can't do it. We can't do anything about it. And it's easy to fall into that kind of black and white way of thinking, oh, well, we can't do this, so therefore we can't do that. And just knowing that, no, actually we do have an option, we can do this. Often just knowing that there's something that you can do even if you basically never do it, gives you. It opens up the possibilities for you. It kind of like opens your mind up. So instead of that rigid, oh, sex. No, no, no, privacy. Can't do it. It's like, oh, sex. Oh, yeah. We have a whole, like, we have a range of possibilities. And even in like the worst possible privacy situation, we do have something, somewhere that we can go. It kind of just in a more positive way of thinking about all this stuff.
- [20:47]
Vanessa Marin
We also want to encourage you to try to have a little bit of fun with it. So it's really funny to think back to when you first started becoming sexually active. Like, let's say if you were a teenager when you started having sex, it was so exciting to have to sneak around and be quiet. Like, it was thrilling trying to figure out, like, how do I sneak my way into having sex with my partner? And I want to be realistic. Like, of course, as an adult, it does suck. You're like, ugh, I'm an adult. I have my own room. I want to be able to be loud and all of that. But I think that there is a way for us to try to channel, sometimes channel some of that energy, that excitement and suspense of having to try to be quiet about it.
- [21:31]
Xander Marin
Oh, yeah. And I mean, honestly, if you think about it, the stakes were probably actually higher in the past.
- [21:37]
Vanessa Marin
Like, before we lived in Santa Barbara, we would Come home for the holidays. And the bedroom that we would stay in, like, you know, my childhood home where my parents still live, like, there is not very much privacy there.
- [21:49]
Xander Marin
It's quite close to your parents room.
- [21:51]
Vanessa Marin
Right next to it, it's a glass door. It's not even like a full, you know, wood door. So there's no privacy. But we would try to have fun with it and just be like, okay, like, can you be quiet tonight? I don't know. Can you be quiet tonight? Like, trying to make a game out of who could be the most quiet and talk about, like, you know, we acknowledge, like, it sucks to be quiet. We would prefer not to be quiet.
- [22:14]
Xander Marin
Yeah. Like, we can't have the sex that we would normally have at home.
- [22:17]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. But still, like, we would be a little bit playful about it. And again, this is not a tip that's gonna work every single time. But I think if there are certain times where you can try to be a little bit silly about it, that can really help. Okay, let's get into physical privacy. So the first thing that we wanted to talk about is talking to your kids openly about your need for privacy. And I think this is a prime example of what we were trying to say with that caveat at the beginning here. We're like, you know, we're giving you tips and ideas here. A lot of these came from other parents, but not all of these are going to apply to your situation. You're not going to agree with all of them. That's totally okay. But I do think there is something to be said about setting expectations with your kids that it's okay for the two of you to want some privacy, to want some alone time. And I think this is a really uniquely American thing too. I've read research on other countries and the ways that other families, you know, families in other countries prioritize, like the couple versus the kids. And in other countries, couples feel a lot more comfortable, like, taking more time for themselves, having more privacy, prioritizing themselves over their kids. Whereas in the US Like, a lot of parents speak to this extreme guilt that they feel if they, you know, try to get any privacy from their kids. I think there's a lot of parents, you know, really like, judge other parents for the decisions they make. And so pretty much every parent is just feeling incredibly judged, incredibly stressed, and feeling like they're not able to do stuff like this. But I do think, and again, coming from the perspective of a marriage and family therapist, like, I do think that it is perfectly healthy and normal to Talk to your kids about the two of you wanting privacy. This is not you saying, like, we're going to go have sex or anything like that, but this is, you know, could be something like, we want some alone time together because we love each other very much and it's important to us to have alone time.
- [24:16]
Xander Marin
That's a great thing for your kids to learn and have modeled for them so that when they get into relationships and they have kids, they also understand, like, oh yeah, this is a normal part of, of parenthood and childhood. Like, this is a normal thing that happens. I saw this, you know, with my parents. Nothing bad happened. In fact, I saw my parents have a great, healthy, happy relationship. And hey, maybe that's one of the reasons why. Maybe they then instead of like us needing to convince your kids as to why as parents, like, why they need to create privacy for themselves, like, they'll already know that.
- [24:53]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. So I think this is a great tip to implement, like, not just for sex, but other things too. Like, we're gonna go watch our movie. Like, we're gonna have a little bit of private time. And again, like, of course this depends on the ages of your kids. Like, you're not leaving a one year old. You're not like talking to your one year old. Like, we're going to have our privacy now.
- [25:09]
Xander Marin
Don't make a sound.
- [25:12]
Vanessa Marin
But I think, yeah, telling them, we're gonna go do this, we're gonna go do that. This is adult private time. So that you just get your kids used to the idea that sometimes the two of you need a little bit of privacy. If you follow us on Instagram, you may have seen that I love talking about skincare. It's one of my secret interests, aside from all the sex and relationship stuff. And so I was really excited when Oneskin approached us to be a podcast sponsor. So I got a chance to try out their bestseller bundle which has their Face and their eye topical supplement, and I've really been enjoying using it. Founded by an all woman team of scientists, Oneskin is the first and only skin longevity company to target cellular senescence, which is a key hallmark of aging with their proprietary OS1 peptide. OS1 is scientifically proven to decrease lines and wrinkles, boost hydration, and help with the thinning skin that often comes with age. And they have over 4000 five star reviews for their full line of face, body, sun and travel size products. For a limited time only, you can try one skin for 15% off using code Pillow when you check out at Oneskin Z with one Skin. Your skin can stay healthy, strong and hydrated at every age. One Skin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, One Skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using Code Pillow at OneSkin co. That's 15% off OneSkin co with Code Pillow. After you purchase, they're gonna ask where you heard about them. Please support pillow talk telling them that we sent you. The next tip is to install a lock on your bedroom door. And this was another one that we heard from a lot of parents. Like, really conflicting feelings. Like, a lot of parents felt extreme guilt if their kid wasn't able to access them at any given time. And like, yes, of course, in emergencies or you know, something really upsetting, like, you do want your child to be able to, to come to you for comfort and reassurance and all of those things. And at the same time, again, from the perspective being a marriage and family therapist, like, having that physical privacy from your kids is a very healthy thing to do. Like, there is nothing wrong about having a lock on your bedroom door and about talking to your kids about, you know, you can have a straight up conversation with them about what are locks on doors for? What is privacy all about? Why is privacy important? Why do adults need privacy, that kind of thing.
- [27:52]
Xander Marin
And also just giving you the peace of mind of knowing, okay, if I lock this door, I know that, you know, I know that they can't open it.
- [28:02]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah, that's really the main thing here.
- [28:04]
Xander Marin
Because it's not like I never want them to come into the room. I don't want to. I'm not going to be responsive to them if they need something. It's really just the peace of mind of like, okay, for this amount of time that we are going to be having sex. I know, I know. I have peace of mind and no one's coming in.
- [28:21]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah, exactly. Like, so many parents told us that they just don't have locks on their bedroom doors. And that's a huge source of anxiety. And of course it is. Like, there's no way you can relax and be in the moment and enjoy sex if you're worried that at any given moment somebody could come barging in and see you.
- [28:38]
Xander Marin
Yeah, I mean, also there's been psychological research on, you know, on the idea of, like, what causes more anxiety of like, like an unknown event. So it's like, if you know that something is going to happen and you know when it's going to happen versus if you know Something is going to happen, but you don't know when it's going to happen, versus you have no idea that something is going to happen. And then it happens. And basically what the research shows is that the thing that causes the most anxiety is when you set up an experiment where you tell someone that, like, you know, like, I don't know, a blaring noise is going to happen, but they're not going to know when. Over the course of this next hour, you're going to hear a siren, but you don't know when that causes the most anxiety amongst people. Interestingly, what causes the least anxiety is having no idea that, like, the siren is going to blare. And it just happens randomly. What's in the middle is if someone tells you, okay, like, you're going to hear a siren, it's going to be at this specific time. Of course, you are never going to set that situation up for yourselves where you're like, all right, kids, we're gonna go have sex in 10 minutes. You're gonna barge into this room, right? That's never gonna happen. But, like, the moral of all of this is that if you know that something bad could happen, that is you don't have a lock on your door. We're not gonna lock the door. And we know that the kids could come in at any moment. That is going to cause way more anxiety for you than the situation where you're like, okay, I know that maybe they could yell outside the door, but I know that we have a lock, and so they're not going to come in.
- [30:19]
Vanessa Marin
Okay, the next option is early bedtimes for the kids. Now, of course, this varies depending on the age of your kids, but so many parents reached out to us and said there is no shame in making your kid go to bed early so you can carve out a bit of quality time to just be partners. And again, this one's all about recognizing that it is healthy for your family and for your kids, for you and your partner to have some time and space to yourselves. And this is not about, you know, sending the kids to bed at 4 o'clock for the two of you. But a lot of parents told us, you know, even 15, 20 minutes, 30 minutes earlier, like, that really helped give them a little bit more time for themselves. We also had a number of parents who recommended some small lies. So, in general, we're not, you know, the biggest fans of telling lies. Like, we do think that open, honest communication is the way to go in the vast majority of situations. But a lot of parents said that they felt comfortable telling their kids something like, we're gonna go take a nap. So it's like, you know, it's implicit, like, please don't bother us. We need a little bit of time and space. We're gonna go take a nap. But of course, they're not actually nap.
- [31:29]
Xander Marin
I feel like this level of lie, and I'm putting this in quotes because it's not that much of a lie.
- [31:35]
Vanessa Marin
It's a small lie.
- [31:37]
Xander Marin
I put it on the same level as, I mean, argue, you know, of lying about, like, Santa Claus coming, you know, like. Because, I mean, the reality is, is, you know, if you celebrate Christmas, you're telling your kids that Santa Claus is coming, and you know that, you know, you are bringing gifts like Santa Claus himself is not coming down the chimney. So, you know, it's kind of on the same level.
- [31:59]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. Again, take this one or leave it if you want to. But if it feels more comfortable for you to have some sort of, like, more understandable reason why you need privacy versus telling your kids, like, hey, we're having some private time to ourselves because it's important. We love each other. A lot of other parents told us, don't be afraid to use screen time. And look, we get it. Screen time is a very controversial topic within the parenting realm. Like, there are some very strong feelings one way or the other. But a lot of parents told us, you know, we just try. Try to be easy on ourselves here. And, like, yes, the vast majority of the time, we try to limit screen time or, you know, make sure they're only watching certain things. But a lot of parents were like, we just try to cut ourselves a break. Like, we get that this is hard to create privacy. And, like, sometimes it's okay to just say, all right, you guys can watch one episode of Bluey, or you can watch your movie, you know, and then the two of you dash away to have a little bit of quality alone time.
- [32:50]
Xander Marin
Yeah, I mean, I think if you're going, you know, if you have, like, you know, straight, strict guidelines around that, if you're going to make an exception, the best time to make an exception, I would say, would be around prioritizing your own intimacy.
- [33:02]
Vanessa Marin
We have a special treat for you today. We're joined by our friend Liz Moody, host of the Liz Moody podcast. Liz is a longtime journalist who shares real science, real stories, and realistic tools that actually level up every part of your life. So over the next five episodes, Liz is gonna join us to share a fun little series called 5 things you can do today to be healthier and happier. So, Liz, can you kick us off with tip number one?
- [33:30]
C
Thank you so much for having me, Vanessa. Okay, so tip number one, I absolutely love. And this is to do just four minutes of exercise. I love this tip because it feels so incredibly doable. You can fit it into any sort of daily routine. We actually did an episode about the rising cancer rates in young people and what we can do today to protect ourselves. And this was from a bit of research that came out of that episode, which was that in just 4.5 minutes of vigorous exercise a day, you could reduce your cancer risk by up to 32%, which is wild.
- [34:03]
Xander Marin
And four to five minutes is not a lot of time.
- [34:06]
Vanessa Marin
I. Well, I think this is. Thanks for pointing that out, Xander.
- [34:11]
Xander Marin
That's what I'm here for.
- [34:14]
Vanessa Marin
I think that this is what we share in common with you. Like, we're all about the maximum bang for your buck. And, yeah, like, four minutes. I know we all feel really busy. We all feel really stressed, but we can all find four minutes of time to do exercise.
- [34:29]
Xander Marin
Oh, yeah.
- [34:30]
C
So I had another doctor on my podcast, and he likes to say for every hour that you're sitting, just stand up and do something really briefly for that hour period. So make your meetings 50 minutes instead of an hour, and then use that additional 10 minutes to take a walk around the block to do five squats. There's so many other benefits for what I call these micro workouts. There's studies that show that micro workouts increase our creativity. Just a walk around the block. There's also studies that show that micro workouts help us manage our glucose better even than the longer stretches of workouts. So while I still do, you know, my 30 minutes, my 45 minutes, as much as possible, I would rather skip that than skip these micro movements throughout the day so you can find out more about these different cancer mitigation techniques and why so many young people are getting cancer these days. And I promise that this episode is not scary at all. We had one of the world's leading oncologists on, and it's done in a very actionable way. It will make you feel comforted, not scared. But that's in an episode called why so Many Young People Are Getting Cancer and what yout Can Do Today To Protect Yourself.
- [35:30]
Vanessa Marin
And we will put that link for you in our show notes so you can find it super easy. I have listened to that episode, and I will tell you it's not scary. It's a very important one. To listen to. All right, thanks so much for that great tip, Liz. And Liz will be back next week with tip number two. And finally, we encourage you to get the kids taken out of your house so you can have some alone time together in your own home. So there are a lot of different creative ways to do this. You, of course, if you have, like, parents in laws, other family members in town, like, ask if they could take the kids to their house or take them out on an activity or an adventure somewhere. You could also do childcare swaps with some friends or some people in your neighborhood where like, like, you know, one night a week, you bring the kids over to your house and you have. You feed them dinner and they, you know, do some activities or watch some shows or whatever it is. And then another night, they take your kids over, you know, but just like, trading off, that's a great option if you don't have a lot of extra money to spend on, like, a babysitter or nanny or anything like that. Like, just swap it with another couple who is likely in the same situation and could really use your help.
- [36:37]
Xander Marin
They want to have sex, too.
- [36:39]
Vanessa Marin
Now, if you are able to get a babysitter, one of our favorite tips is to ask the babysitter to take the kids out of the house before you leave for a date night. So you can tell the babysitter something like, you know, oh, well, we don't want them to get upset watching us leave. Or you can just be up front with your babysitter and say, like, we would really love to have a little bit of quiet alone time in our own home. Can you take them to the park? Can you take them to a movie? Can you just. Just drive them around the block a few times?
- [37:07]
Xander Marin
Yeah, take them out for ice cream, something like that.
- [37:09]
Vanessa Marin
We talked about this idea on our, like, in our Instagram stories, and a lot of nannies and babysitters reached out to us, and they were like, look, we get it. We know you want to have alone time in your own house. Like, it is not embarrassing to ask. We don't even care if you say, like, you know, we need alone time, if you know what I mean. Like, obviously, don't be creepy and pervy about it. But we were just. Yeah, it was really great to, like, hear all these babysitters say, like, we get it. Like, it's okay. We want to support you. That's what we're here for. You know, we're. We're providing childcare for a reason. Like, we want you to get to have some peace.
- [37:43]
Xander Marin
Yeah. We heard from zero babysitters who were like, ew, I can't believe you want to have sex and pay me to watch the kids and go somewhere while you have sex in your own house. Nobody. Nobody said that. We did hear a lot of pushback from a lot of parents. I know this is a very divisive one. I feel like we've done a couple reels about this, and there are, like, arguments in the comments of, like, parents are like, oh, my. I could. I could never do this. You know, babysitter is going to know what we're doing. Or, you know, oh, this can't. You know, this. It won't work for this reason. It won't work for that reason. And there's so many parents who jump in and they're like, all right, so what are you saying? You never want to have sex because maybe your babysitter will have some idea that you have sex because obviously you had sex to have those kids.
- [38:30]
Vanessa Marin
Your babysitter knows that you already had sex.
- [38:32]
Xander Marin
Your babysitter knows that you have sex probably on an ongoing basis and that maybe you would have more if they helped you out by taking the kids a little bit.
- [38:42]
Vanessa Marin
Okay, here's some other tricks and techniques to try out. One parent said, when the kids nap, we have a quickie. And I think this one is a. It's a little bit reminiscent of that. Like, just nap while the baby naps. Advice. Like, it sounds so simple, but in reality, it's like, well, I can't at that exact time. So this is not always one that's going to work out. But if there is a moment, you know, when the kids are napping, take advantage of that time. I think it can work out in certain circumstances.
- [39:09]
Xander Marin
Yeah, I wouldn't pin all of your hopes for sex on this one. This is more of like a cherry on top, I think, where it's like, like, okay, they happen to go to bed in a moment where it's not like, you know, we're running around to do this or that. It's like, hey, this is an opportunity. Let's take advantage.
- [39:25]
Vanessa Marin
Another option, lunch quickies when the kids are at school. So if you both work from home, obviously this one can be pretty easy. But if you work outside of the home, you know, maybe like once a week, once a month, you know, having a little day date where you come home and get to be in your own home with nobody else there, nice and quiet like, that can just be a really great way to have some privacy. Another tip early morning sex. I know we all have this association in our heads that sex is something that we do at the end of the night in the dark. But morning can work wonders. It can be so nice, especially if you have kids who are a little bit older, they sleep in. This is a particularly great tip if you have teenagers who stay up late. So many parents told us, like, we feel like we're doing this battle with our teenager of like, who's can stay up later? Like you're waiting for your teenager to go to sleep so you can finally have sex, but they just like to stay up late. So. So if you have that kind of situation, stop playing that game of chicken. Just transition to some early morning sex instead.
- [40:25]
Xander Marin
Also, probably those early morning hours when they are sleeping is the time that they're in the deepest. Oh yeah, like you're not gonna wake them up. Especially you got that white noise blasting.
- [40:37]
Vanessa Marin
This next tip is not for creating privacy for the actual having of the sex, but more for flirtation. So we really recommend having some sort of code word or code phrase for sex. That way you can flirt with each other in front of the kids without them knowing what you're talking about. So one of the biggest challenges that parents face is feeling like they can't flirt with each other in front of the kids. So there's like no way to keep any sexual tension or simmer going. So then it's like you get to the end of the night, it's like.
- [41:09]
Xander Marin
You gotta go 0 to 60.
- [41:10]
Vanessa Marin
Exactly. Yeah. It's like finally, okay, now it's time to go. But it's really discombobulating. So we think it's so much better to be able to have some flirtation going throughout the day. So that when you finally have that moment of free time, it feels like you're just turning the heat up on the boiling water a little bit to get it to boil, versus starting from ice cold water and trying to get it up to boil.
- [41:31]
Xander Marin
Yeah, but how you do that when you have kids around is the real question.
- [41:36]
Vanessa Marin
So that's where this idea of using some sort of code word phrase, you can get really playful with it. It can be an inside joke from your relationship, but some sort of way to talk about sex without saying the word sex. So we got a bunch of examples from our community. One couple said, we call it doing taxes.
- [41:55]
Xander Marin
That's good. I mean, that sounds really boring to the kids. They want nothing to do with that. But no one's gonna bat an eye that like you're talking about the taxes all the time. Maybe, maybe when they become adults, they're gonna be like, huh, my parents did taxes. A lot of time. I'm only doing taxes once a year for like two days. What were they doing?
- [42:14]
Vanessa Marin
Another couple said, we said that we have to go over the electricity bill. Another thing that kids are like, you.
- [42:20]
Xander Marin
Got those things every month and, you know, you can see your usage all the time. There could be a lot of analyzing to do.
- [42:26]
Vanessa Marin
And my personal favorite one couple said, I have to check dad for eczema.
- [42:32]
Xander Marin
Yeah, kids definitely not coming along for that one.
- [42:35]
Vanessa Marin
That's actually a really great one because it implies that there's going to be some nakedness involved. Like, I got to check dad all over.
- [42:43]
Xander Marin
Yeah.
- [42:43]
Vanessa Marin
Or you could have eczema like anywhere.
- [42:45]
Xander Marin
Yeah, maybe like we're popping pimples.
- [42:48]
Vanessa Marin
That's even worse.
- [42:51]
Xander Marin
Could be sexy for some people. We'll see.
- [42:52]
Vanessa Marin
Your kids will stay far away from you if they think that's what's going on. Another tip that we want to suggest is to always have a getaway date on the calendar. So, like, let's just be realistic. Privacy is challenging. And even using all of these tips, like, you're still going to feel like you don't have the full freedom to be yourselves, to like, have the kind of sex that you want if you have other people living in your home with you. So having just some sort of date on the calendar, it really is going to give you something to look forward to. And actually, research has found that the anticipation of a pleasurable event can actually be more pleasurable than the event itself. So even if this is like, we don't have, we can't take the time off or we can't afford this until like, like two years in the future. Like, still just getting it on the calendar. And it does not need to be anything fancy. Like, we're not saying, like, yeah, go for a glamorous two week tropical vacation together. Like, this could be something as simple as we are renting a hotel room in our hometown, or we're renting an Airbnb in our hometown, or we're going on a little road trip. Just something to put on the calendar to look forward to.
- [44:03]
Xander Marin
Yeah, this isn't like you're pinning your hopes on, like, all the sex that we are going to be having are these few and far between moments. It's just knowing that it will happen, that it is possible that you will have some privacy in the future so that you don't get into that mindset of like, oh, we can never have this privacy. It's easier to just give up. I have a kind of like weird, extreme example about this, but I think it works. I remember this from, I remember this, this idea from college. And I think that, you know, there's been some research on this. But it's about, you know, why is it that people tend to be happier in, you know, in more like democratic societies versus authoritarian societies. And so like, very often in more authoritarian societies, there might be less crime. There's way more crime in democratic societies. But the question is, why are people, even though there's like way less crime, people tend to be much less happy. And the reason is that that basically in a super authoritarian society where there's super high, you know, super strong penalties for crimes or like everyone is always being watched, you know, there's no way I could get away with doing anything. And like, you know, nobody, nobody does anything. And strangely, people are less happy because they know that even if they wanted to do something really crazy, they couldn't. Versus in, you know, more democratic society where you know that you could get away with like a crime. I was about to say get away with murder. That's really extreme. But it's like just the knowing that you could, even though you won't actually, like, makes you way more happy. And so I think this is the same thing is knowing that, hey, we're not going to do this very often, but like, we are going to do it every now and then. I think that just kind of opens you up to be like, all right, cool. Like, you know, I know I have something to look forward to. I know that this thing is possible even though it is generally hard on a day to day basis.
- [45:59]
Vanessa Marin
I love the random psychology stuff that you bring into these episodes.
- [46:03]
Xander Marin
Hey, baby, you know, getting away with murder over here, that's that liberal arts education, baby. Little bit of everything.
- [46:09]
Vanessa Marin
All right, next thing that we want to talk about is coming up with a game plan for if the kids or your roommates or whoever do catch you. So this is something that comes up in particular with parents. They get, get so nervous about being caught by the kids that it just creates so much anxiety. But you can alleviate a lot of that anxiety if you plan for it. Like come up with a specific plan of like, okay, let's say the worst thing happens. The kids break the lock on the door, they come barging in, like, okay, what do you do in that situation? So come up with a specific phrase that you're going to say to your kids. How will you describe what's happening. You can even rehearse it. Like, be, you know, role. Play it with each other if you want to.
- [46:54]
Xander Marin
Not in a sexy way.
- [46:55]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah, I know this sounds like a silly tip, but I just think that having a game plan in advance really decreases any anxiety that you might feel.
- [47:04]
Xander Marin
Oh. Because I think what happens otherwise, what happens to so many people is they build this up in their. In their mind and they go, oh, well, I just could not possibly live with this situation of, of the kids coming in. I just. I can't. I couldn't deal with it. It would be way too much. So therefore, we just can't do it. And that just kind of shuts down possibilities. That's like a closed off way of thinking about this versus yeah, that would be. That would suck. It probably would feel super anxiety provoking for me. And, you know, it would suck. And it could happen and we have a plan for it. It's just sort of a different way of thinking about it. Of like, okay, yeah, I don't want that to happen, but if it does happen, I have a plan. I mean, it's kind of like, you know, we have various plans for emergencies. Like, we're not expecting those emergencies to happen. Or like, okay, in case of a fire, this is what we want to do. No one is like, oh, we couldn't possibly have a fire to a house because then we would lose our house. So let's not even plan for that.
- [48:01]
Vanessa Marin
Exactly.
- [48:01]
Xander Marin
Right. So this is kind of the same way of thinking.
- [48:04]
Vanessa Marin
Okay, so to wrap things up, let's talk a little bit about the impact that this kind of stuff has on kids. I know we were talking about a bunch of different situations in this episode, but I want to talk about a little bit about the kids because so many parents feel really afraid of this. Like, I don't want my kids overhearing us. I don't want to damage them. I don't want them to walk in on us and be forever scarred. So I want to speak to this. As a psychotherapist, as a licensed sex therapist, I think it's really important to make the differentiation between being, like, completely not caring about your kids, seeing or hearing anything. Like, we're having super wild sex every night, screaming, yelling, the toys are always out. Like, the door's always open and you're just letting it. Like, of course, of course. Something like that could be incredibly traumatizing to a child. And I think, unfortunately, like, we hear from a lot of people who said, like, my parents had zero regard for this Like, I always heard my parents having, you know, and it's like. And they felt ashamed and embarrassed and scarred by that. So yes, of course, at the extreme end of it, that is very damaging to your child, but that is very different from your child every once in a while hearing some squeaking coming from their parents bedroom.
- [49:24]
Xander Marin
Yeah. Or like once or twice walking in on you even.
- [49:28]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. So we want to do what we can to be thoughtful. And this applies for, you know, if you have roommates or family or whatever living in your house. Like, yeah, of course we want to be thoughtful, to try to maintain that privacy. But when it comes to kids, like, it is okay in the majority of circumstances for kids to be exposed to like, little hints that something is going on. And again, it's all about the intention, it's all about the severity and the intensity of it. But I think we've gone to this opposite extreme where so many parents are like, so paranoid about anything.
- [50:00]
Xander Marin
Yeah. Anything about sex. Anything that remotely hints at it. Any kind of flirting, any kind of like, anything is somehow going to scar and traumatize them and cause them to have a bad relationship with sex when they get older.
- [50:14]
Vanessa Marin
Yeah. So, I mean, your kids are like, definitely gonna roll their eyes at you. They're definitely gonna say like, oh, gross. And you know, if they were to hear something like, you know, kids are, they're gonna have their reactions and like, that's okay. But it's not inherently traumatizing to have like a couple little suspicions that something is going on throughout the course of their life. And I think this has even bled into, like, a lot of parents feel super nervous to show any sort of affection around their kids. Like, oh, we don't even want to hug each other or kiss each other, flirt with each other in front of the kids. And this goes back to that idea that like, 0 to 60 or like ice cold to boiling type of thing that we were talking about earlier. Like, if you're not having any sort of interaction with your partner throughout the day and then you get into bed at the end of the night and like, we're supposed to have sex now. I feel so disconnected from you. But the bottom line is that it's actually very healthy for kids to see their parents being affectionate, touching each other, holding each other, giving hugs, giving kisses, being flirtatious. Yeah. Like, you want your child to have a healthy relationship in the future, you know, to have healthy intimacy, to know.
- [51:23]
Xander Marin
What love really looks like.
- [51:25]
Vanessa Marin
Exactly. And if your kid grows up, like, never seeing that they're not gonna recognize, like, that's a part of healthy, normal intimacy.
- [51:33]
Xander Marin
Yeah. I mean, what they might end up seeing is like, huh, it looks like my parents just have more transactional roommates type of relationship. And you know, so then when they get into a relationship, you know, they are going to experience something totally different and like, not really be able to draw on anything from, you know, they're not going to be in that type of relationship. They're not having kids immediately. So like, like, they're going to kind of be confused a bit when they first get into relationships about like, oh, wow, this is like so different than what I saw from my parents. I can't really like bring anything I saw from my parents into this.
- [52:09]
Vanessa Marin
Exactly. All right, well, that wraps up our tips and techniques for creating more privacy. Now, if you liked this episode, as I mentioned earlier, it came straight from our course, Rediscovering Us Intimacy and Sex for parents. Making the transition to being parents is one of the most challenging times for a couple. The vast majority of couples say that their relationship really suffers once they have kids. And there just aren't resources to help parents like reconnect, rediscover the spark, reprioritize their relationship. So we created this very practical course. It's super easy to get through. All of the lessons are like a couple of minutes so you can really listen on the go. Just here and there's, it's zero fluff, just maximum bang for your buck kind of tips. So we will put a link to check that out in the show notes. That's called Rediscovering Us.
- [53:00]
Xander Marin
All right, well, that's all the tips that we have for this episode of Pillow Talks. I want to thank you so much for listening and join us again next week because that episode will be called Should We Open Our Relationship Now. If you loved this episode, we would be so grateful if you left us a glowing review on Apple Podcasts. I'm going to read to you quickly this week's review of the week from Apple Podcasts. Thankful doesn't cover it. To say Vanessa and Xander have helped me personally as well as my marriage isn't enough for one, the energy they bring to each episode and topic never feels judged, never feels scary. And honestly, it feels like talking to friends about said topic. It's helped me cope with things I was working through. It's helped our marriage and how to have open floor conversations. It's helped us discuss our therapy options and finding one now versus when we may be in the depths of something heavier. If you're just now discovering them. Welcome to the Pillow Talks family. Find whatever episode speaks to you and maybe it hits a sensitive nerve and roll with it. It will help. They do help and they make it feel like a supportive hug and gentle guidance the whole time. Along with some comedy, too. Thank you guys for all you do and share.
- [54:11]
Vanessa Marin
Oh, thank you. This is such a sweet review to read. So again, we really appreciate you taking the time to leave a review. It is is the best way to help the podcast grow, help us reach new couples and serve more people. So if you've never left a review before, just go to find the main Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts. Scroll to the bottom. You'll see the review section there. Just pop anything into that box. Something positive for somebody who's brand new to the podcast, what you think they should need to know about it. And we will enter you into our Review of the Week giveaway every week going forward, just automatically. So if you hear your review read in an episode, you can reach out to us@infomtherapy.com and you will win a prize. All right, thanks so much for listening. We'll see you next time.