Podcast Summary: Pillow Talks Episode 193: "The Things We Can’t Say In The Comments"
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Release Date: January 30, 2025
Platform: QCODE
1. Introduction to the Episode
In Episode 193 of Pillow Talks, hosts Vanessa and Xander Marin delve into the challenges of interacting with their audience through social media. They reflect on feedback from a past raw, personal episode where they discussed the difficulties of engaging with listeners beyond podcast platforms. This episode aims to bridge the gap between their social media presence and the more in-depth conversations available on their podcast.
2. Social Media vs. Podcast Interactions
Vanessa (00:37):
"Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had."
The Marins express their appreciation for social media feedback but highlight the limitations of these platforms in facilitating meaningful, nuanced discussions. They emphasize that the podcast allows them to explore topics in greater depth, something that social media's brevity often hinders.
3. Role Playing Controversy
a. Overview of the Controversy
The episode centers around a controversial social media post where Vanessa and Xander conducted a role-playing skit based on a listener's question from a previous podcast episode titled "Am I being reasonable or Ridiculous?" The question involved a husband asking his wife to role-play her best friend sexually, which sparked significant backlash online.
Vanessa (06:05):
"Oh, thank you so much for this great review. Okay, so let's get into it. I figured that we had to start with the role playing your friend controversy."
b. Public Reaction and Backlash
The skit quickly garnered anger from viewers who perceived it as "rage bait" meant to provoke engagement through controversy.
Xander (04:14):
"But before we do that, let's get into our review of the week..."
Despite initial confusion and accusations of editing mistakes, it became clear that the hosts genuinely held the opinions expressed in the skit, leading to intensified criticism.
Vanessa (07:47):
"You’re just doing this to get, like, rage bait. You’re just doing this for engagement, just to get people upset and angry."
(00:00)
4. Exploring Consent and Fantasies
a. Fantasy vs. Reality
The Marins discuss the thin line between harmless fantasies and actions that might infringe upon someone's consent. They emphasize that while fantasies are private and not regulated by consent, acting them out, especially involving real individuals without their permission, can be problematic.
Vanessa (16:00):
"Do other things. Like, you know, maybe try talking dirty a little bit... Is she comfortable talking dirty about other people?"
(16:00)
Xander (20:13):
"That is violating. That's not okay. Like that would be horrible."
(20:13)
b. Ethical Considerations
They highlight ethical dilemmas where fantasies involving real people without their consent cross into inappropriate territory, potentially harming relationships and reputations.
Vanessa (21:33):
"We all fantasize about people... whether sexually or non-sexually. We don't have control over that. So I think probably the majority of people have masturbated thinking about somebody without asking for their explicit consent."
(21:33)
5. Viral Reel Discussion
a. Description of the Viral Reel
A spontaneous reel featuring Vanessa dancing at her desk after having sex with her husband went viral, amassing over 20 million views. The reel sparked varied reactions, with many critiquing its appropriateness and others appreciating the candidness.
Vanessa (23:21):
"It was literally me doing a dumb little dance, heart and soul on the piano."
(23:21)
b. Public Criticism and Defense
Some viewers felt the content was inappropriate for public sharing, while others raised concerns about professional repercussions. The hosts addressed these criticisms by explaining the context of their roles as sex therapists and the nature of their content.
Vanessa (24:21):
"What's this all about? But they tap through and it's like, sex therapist. It makes immediate sense if you just take that one little action."
(24:21)
Xander (25:21):
"It's our company. Number two, this is the topic that our company deals in."
(25:21)
6. The 'Fuck First' Rule
a. Explanation of the Rule
Inspired by Dan Savage, the 'Fuck First' rule encourages couples to prioritize intimacy earlier in the day rather than delaying it until they are tired or distracted in the evening.
Vanessa (28:00):
"What Xander and I have come to recognize is like the idea is prioritizing intimacy earlier in the day."
(28:00)
b. Adapting for Parents
The hosts address concerns from parents about implementing this rule amidst the chaos of parenting. They offer practical solutions such as scheduling alone time when children are at school or with grandparents.
Vanessa (40:53):
"If you're a parent and you're kind of curious about trying the fuck first rule, but it feels a little complicated to you, we want to give you some tips..."
(40:53)
7. Turning Down Partners Without Hurting Feelings
a. Old vs. New Communication Styles
Vanessa and Xander contrast traditional, often dismissive ways of declining intimacy with healthier, more considerate communication techniques.
Vanessa (47:10):
"So instead, what you could do is maybe there's a different time earlier in the day that you could prioritize."
(47:10)
b. Handling Emotional Responses
They emphasize the importance of acknowledging a partner's vulnerability when initiating intimacy and responding with empathy rather than cold excuses.
Vanessa (52:09):
"You're allowed to say no whenever you want for whatever reason you want, for no reason whatsoever."
(52:09)
Xander (53:18):
"You are an equal part of that problem."
(53:18)
8. Conclusion and Final Thoughts
The episode wraps up with Vanessa and Xander encouraging listeners to engage thoughtfully on social media and prioritize healthy communication in their relationships. They reiterate the importance of mutual respect, understanding, and the ability to navigate conflicts constructively.
Vanessa (59:32):
"It's just so sad because I'm like, that's literally what our account is here for."
(59:32)
Xander (60:15):
"You are not owed sex. You're never owed sex."
(60:15)
Notable Quotes
-
Vanessa (00:00):
"You're just doing this to get, like, rage bait. You're just doing this for engagement, just to get people upset and angry." -
Xander (08:23):
"Yeah. Because we go into it in a lot more detail."
(08:23) -
Vanessa (17:41):
"We got to go there in our ads, too."
(17:41) -
Xander (49:06):
"What's this really say is, ugh. Like, that. That, like, feels. Well, it feels hard..."
(49:06) -
Vanessa (60:30):
"You are all deserving of intimacy, but you're not owed sex. You're never owed sex."
(60:30)
Key Takeaways
-
Balancing Social Media and In-Depth Conversations: The hosts recognize the limitations of social media in fostering meaningful interactions and utilize their podcast to delve deeper into sensitive topics.
-
Navigating Public Backlash: Addressing controversial content requires transparency and a clear explanation of the intent behind such discussions.
-
Consent in Fantasies: While personal fantasies are private, acting them out involving real individuals without consent is unethical and harmful.
-
Effective Communication: Adopting healthier communication styles can enhance intimacy and reduce misunderstandings in relationships.
-
Flexibility in Relationship Advice: The Marins advocate for adaptable relationship strategies, acknowledging that one size does not fit all.
This episode of Pillow Talks offers listeners valuable insights into handling online feedback, maintaining intimacy amidst daily responsibilities, and fostering open, respectful communication within relationships. By addressing both personal experiences and audience interactions, Vanessa and Xander provide a comprehensive look into the complexities of modern relationships and sexuality.