Episode 194: What Your Partner Wishes You’d Stop Doing In The Bedroom Part 2

Summary

Pillow Talks Podcast Episode 194 Summary: "What Your Partner Wishes You’d Stop Doing In The Bedroom Part 2"

Vanessa and Xander Marin dive deeper into the nuances of bedroom behaviors that partners wish their significant others would stop. Building upon the overwhelmingly positive response to Part 1, this episode categorizes and dissects various habits and actions that can hinder intimacy and satisfaction in relationships. Through candid discussions and expert insights, they aim to foster healthier communication and understanding between couples.

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Revisiting the Conversation Starter

Vanessa Marin (00:59 – 01:15):
"Today, we're revisiting the theme of what you secretly wish your partner would stop doing in the bedroom. This topic opened up many honest conversations between couples, proving to be a valuable tool for improving relationships without any shame or embarrassment."

Xander Marin (06:26 – 07:04):
"When you have a third party identify things or ask questions about them, it makes conversations between partners much easier and more natural. It's like having an objective mediator that brings up topics without the blame game."

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1. Communication

Trying New Things Without Discussion

Vanessa Marin (11:53 – 13:16):
"Partners of men often mention that their significant other tries new things in the bedroom without prior discussion. It's crucial to ask each other whether you enjoy surprises during intimacy or prefer knowing what's coming."

Xander Marin (13:16 – 14:15):
"Having a conversation about what requires explicit consent and what can be a general blanket consent helps in setting mutual boundaries and expectations."

Stop Asking If I Like What You're Doing When It's Clear

Vanessa Marin (16:01 – 18:20):
"Sometimes, questions like 'Do you like this?' can be perceived differently. It's essential to distinguish between seeking genuine feedback and using such questions as dirty talk."

Xander Marin (18:22 – 20:02):
"Feedback during intimacy shouldn't be about stopping communication. Instead, it should focus on enhancing the experience for both partners."

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2. Kissing

Kissing Loudly and Techniques

Vanessa Marin (28:19 – 30:52):
"Techniques like loud kissing or sucking on the tongue can be polarizing. While some find it passionate, others may find it uncomfortable or gross. It's vital to discuss and understand each other's preferences."

Xander Marin (31:11 – 32:28):
"Meeting in the middle during kissing — not too shallow, not too deep — can enhance the experience. Communication about the desired intensity and depth of kissing ensures mutual satisfaction."

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3. Initiation

Not Verbally Communicating the Desire for Sex

Vanessa Marin (32:48 – 34:25):
"Verbal initiation, such as explicitly expressing the desire for intimacy, is crucial. Non-verbal cues can sometimes lead to misunderstandings or lack of clarity."

Xander Marin (34:27 – 35:58):
"Comfort with verbal initiation eliminates the need for awkward physical cues that offer plausible deniability. It fosters openness and reduces anxiety around rejection."

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4. Foreplay

Desire for More Romantic vs. Dirty Talk

Vanessa Marin (42:38 – 43:38):
"Some partners prefer romantic foreplay over dirty talk. Understanding and aligning the desired mood and energy can significantly enhance the intimacy experience."

Xander Marin (43:38 – 45:57):
"Balancing different preferences, such as starting slow and becoming more passionate, helps in creating a harmonious and fulfilling foreplay experience."

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5. Anal Practices

Inappropriate Techniques and Safety Concerns

Vanessa Marin (57:18 – 58:38):
"Certain anal practices, like swiping from back to front, can lead to severe health issues such as UTIs and must be avoided. Proper hygiene and techniques are paramount for safety."

Xander Marin (58:38 – 59:08):
"Expressing concern and promoting safe practices ensures that both partners feel comfortable and protected during intimate moments."

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6. Finishing and Aftercare

Post-Sex Communication and Aftercare Needs

Vanessa Marin (56:28 – 57:26):
"Aftercare, like lingering and cuddling post-orgasm, strengthens emotional connections. Some partners may prioritize emotional intimacy over immediate cleanup."

Xander Marin (59:44 – 61:00):
"Balancing aftercare with personal needs, such as preventing UTIs, requires open dialogue to ensure both partners' emotional and physical well-being."

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Conclusion and Insights

Throughout the episode, Vanessa and Xander emphasize the importance of open communication and mutual understanding in addressing and resolving bedroom issues. They advocate for couples to have honest discussions about their preferences, boundaries, and desires to foster a more satisfying and intimate relationship. By categorizing common concerns and providing actionable advice, the Marins aim to empower listeners to enhance their sexual relationships thoughtfully and respectfully.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa Marin (04:31):
  "We listened to this episode together, and we paused after each thing and just had a conversation like, does that bother you? Is that something you'd like me to stop doing?"

• Xander Marin (07:26):
  "It's like, if you're doing this, like, in the middle of sex, like, and your partner is not specifically told you they're into that, like, you're going to be taking things down a notch."

• Vanessa Marin (21:22):
  "We are obsessed with our dogs. And that's why we are so excited to tell you about today's podcast sponsor."

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By addressing these common bedroom habits and fostering a space for honest dialogue, Vanessa and Xander continue to provide invaluable insights aimed at improving the sexual and emotional connections within relationships.

Transcript

[Xander Marin]

All right, what is it? What is it that I've been doing that you hate?

[Vanessa Marin]

No. Let's go, let's go. I'm ready.

[Xander Marin]

I've been psyching myself up all week for this episode. Hit me.

[Vanessa Marin]

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

[Xander Marin]

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

[Vanessa Marin]

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.

[Xander Marin]

Babe, we're switching it up today.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Xander Marin]

We're doing something different.

[Vanessa Marin]

What are we doing?

[Xander Marin]

We're sitting in the arch.

[Vanessa Marin]

I thought you had some, like, surprise answer for me. Actually, there are two things are different today. Okay, but you go first. Tell us, what's the first one?

[Xander Marin]

I think I know what both of them are. Well, I know the first one is for sure, because I was about to say it.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay.

[Xander Marin]

Which is that we are not in bed.

[Vanessa Marin]

We're not.

[Xander Marin]

We're not. We're not in bed. We are sitting in our office in our chairs that we originally got for podcasting, and then we didn't use very much because we discovered the bed. But we're not in bed today because my back is hurting a little bit, and sitting in bed in the position that we sit in isn't great on my back. So here we are in the chairs instead, and we got a bunch of cameras on us. And maybe you'll even be seeing this, like, whole thing on YouTube. I'm not even sure, but maybe. Fingers crossed. We're not sure. We'll see. But, yeah, there's three cameras, which is kind of wild.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, what's the next thing?

[Xander Marin]

I feel very professional. The second new thing is Vanessa is wearing Invisalign. They are not a podcast sponsor. It would be great. It would be great if they were, but.

[Vanessa Marin]

I know, seriously. God, I wish they were. Call us Invisalign, please. I know. After months of us having to explain your, like, Xander's on a mouth journey for almost a year now of, like, expanding his palette, doing Invisalign, getting tongue ties and lip ties and cheek ties severed.

[Xander Marin]

I still have a bunch of metal in my mouth.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh, yeah.

[Xander Marin]

It'll be there for probably, like, four.

[Vanessa Marin]

More months, but, you know, I Just decided it seems so fun, so I might as well join him and get Invisalign. I did one of those. I thought I was so smart. I did one of those online treatment programs.

[Xander Marin]

Mail away.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, mail away. I will not name names. They are not a podcast sponsor. Don't worry. We would never recommend them because it was terrible and it, like, mostly worked, but then my teeth on the bottom started moving back, and I was like, I can't have already gone through this whole process with this Malin thing and, like, not have straight teeth. So I decided to suck it up and just do Invisalign through our dentist.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

Fuck, man. It's gonna take so long, though. I have, like.

[Xander Marin]

No, it's not. It's just a couple months.

[Vanessa Marin]

It feels really long to me. I have just a couple of teeth on the bottom that shifted that I wanted to get straight, and I was like, this has got to be, like, a month, tops, says Vanessa the orthodontist. Three and a half months. And so now I got Invisalign in, and I got the little Invisalign lisp going on, which I already have a little bit of a lisp, so I can barely tell.

[Xander Marin]

I really can tell. See, Vanessa is actually wearing her aligners while she records. I am not.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh, yeah. You never wear them.

[Xander Marin]

I. I don't. I mean, I should, because I'm supposed to be wearing them 22 hours a day, and I'm certainly not wearing them 22 hours today. But for. For me, I have more. Way more of a lisp because this metal device that is in my upper palate still, that blocks my tongue. So when I had. I had more metal before, and having that removed really helped. But still, for me, at this point, like, I have a lisp or lisp or whatever, my speech is impacted. No matter what. Having the aligners out just helps me. Like, helps me create less saliva, which is what causes a lot of my problems. So I have mine out. I honestly. You should keep yours in. You sound great.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, well, we'll see. I'll. We'll see how it goes. I might end up taking them out in the middle of the episode, but today is a really fun episode. The premise of this episode is what do you. Secret. Oh, boy.

[Xander Marin]

Let's just. Here, take them out.

[Vanessa Marin]

Take them out to you secretly. That's a really hard word.

[Xander Marin]

Wait, you know, take them out. We'll have a fun little asmr. Oh, click, click.

[Vanessa Marin]

Really? I feel like that's kind of gross.

[Xander Marin]

Well, we can cut it. We can Decide if it's okay. There they go. Oh, yeah, there's one. That's the bottom.

[Vanessa Marin]

It's just the top one. No, that only the top one causes the lisp. I feel like you can't tell right now.

[Xander Marin]

Great. Okay.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay.

[Xander Marin]

Are you really gonna record with it on?

[Vanessa Marin]

Where else am I supposed to put it?

[Xander Marin]

Put it on this little table here.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, that's not any better than just my leg.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, but no one on the camera is gonna see that.

[Vanessa Marin]

I'll put it behind my laptop. What do you secretly. Ooh.

[Xander Marin]

Ooh.

[Vanessa Marin]

Chris. What do you secretly wish.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

Your partner would stop doing?

[Xander Marin]

I wish they did stop hissing all the time.

[Vanessa Marin]

So we actually did this episode a really long time ago, and we got so many responses and so many requests for a part two that we decided, okay, let's revisit this theme of what do you secretly wish your partner would stop doing in the bedroom? And what was really interesting about that episode was it was definitely this fascinating sneak peek into, like, what people are not loving in the bedroom, but feeling a little bit embarrassed to talk about with their partner. It was kind of like a. Like, felt like a gossip session, a little bit like, look at all these things that people are doing. But I feel like that episode actually ended up being super helpful in terms of opening up conversations between partners. Like, so many people wrote back and said, we listened to this episode together, and we paused after each thing and just had a conversation like, does that bother you? Is that something you'd like me to stop doing? Is that something you'd like more of? So it ended up being a really great conversation opener in a way that wasn't shaming or embarrassing or anything like that. So I'm hoping that we can have the same effect with this episode.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, it turns out when you have a third party identify things or ask questions about, like, hey, what do you think about this? It makes the conversation when you. With you two of, like, oh, how does this show up in our relationship? It makes that conversation happen so much more easily and naturally and not feel like, oh, one person is blaming the other. And it's like, oh, well, we brought up this topic. So now that we're on the topic, you guys might as well tell each other what you think about it. So, you know, it's kind of like a vote for going to couples therapy, having an objective third party that is bringing things up, rather than it feeling like one person has to be accusing the other of something.

[Vanessa Marin]

So we put up the same question on Instagram, and if you're not following us already? Definitely. Come on over to Vanessa and Xander with an X. We're over on Instagram, but we asked, what do you secretly wish your partner would stop doing in the bedroom? So we've got a ton of great responses for you. We're going to go through different categories of responses, but I do have to say something right up top here.

[Xander Marin]

All right, what is it? What is it that I've been doing that you hate?

[Vanessa Marin]

No. Let's go.

[Xander Marin]

Let's go.

[Vanessa Marin]

I don't have anything for you.

[Xander Marin]

I'm ready. I've been psyching myself up all week for this episode.

[Vanessa Marin]

Hit me. I don't have anything for you, but what I will say is I disagree with a lot of these things. I think that these are actually unreasonable requests. So this is kind of like a little twist on the episode. We did an episode a while back called, like, is It Am I being Reasonable or Ridiculous? And some of these, I think, are not reasonable.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, episode slash topic mashup here.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. And I'm gonna. We'll be honest. We'll tell you, like, we'll read the thing, but we'll tell you if we think, like, that's actually not a great thing to request of your partner.

[Xander Marin]

All right, we're playing both sides of this one. I like it. But first, we gotta do this week's review of the week. Because reviews are so, so, so important to helping our podcast grow, we want to encourage you to leave a review for us. And as a way of saying thank you for that, we pick a random review every single week. And if you hear it read, then you've won a masterclass. So please leave us a review. Go to the Pillow Talks podcast page on Apple Podcasts. Scroll all the way to the bottom, and you'll see the review section. Smash that five stars. And then just leave us a short review. And without further ado, this week's review of the week is helpful. Conversation starters. This has been a great tool we've used for the past year to help our relationship grow and mature after 17 years of marriage. It's a helpful podcast to listen to together or separately and then come back to discuss together.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yes. The perfect review for this is basically.

[Xander Marin]

What we were just saying since. Yeah. Because this person's husband travels often and it brings up a lot of topics we've never discussed before. We've learned a lot together since there's a lot of topics we wouldn't bring up on our own. Thank you for the honest chats and relatable. Content. Wow, that was really. That couldn't have been better picked.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, perfect. Thank you so much for that great review.

[Xander Marin]

So if that was your review, DM us on Instagram or email [e-mail] say you won the review of the week giveaway and we'll get you hooked up.

[Vanessa Marin]

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[Xander Marin]

Oh, so this is so Just to flip this around, since we're saying this is from partners of men. So this is like, my man just tries shit with me without discussing it. Like, little slipping it in the bag.

[Vanessa Marin]

That, oh, that might be one. And that's.

[Xander Marin]

That's.

[Vanessa Marin]

That is not something that we.

[Xander Marin]

That's a move that you can't do. No, you gotta talk about it. You gotta get consent.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, I mean, I think that. So I think this is a great question for partners to ask each other. Like, do you like being surprised in the bedroom, or do you like knowing what's coming? Do you like me asking for your permission for certain things or asking if you're interested in certain things? Because there are some people who like, like that element of surprise, and it feels super sexy of like, ooh, where'd that new move come? So I would definitely recommend all couples ask each other that question. And I also think it's really important to be thoughtful of how far outside of your usual repertoire is this particular thing. So, for example, like, if you were to throw me into a new position that we've never done before, like, that would be fine. I think for most people, that would be fine. Like, oh, okay, sexy. They took the initiative. Like, that's kind of fun. I didn't realize. But if it's something like, you know, any sort of anal play where if you've. Especially if you've never done that before, like, that's not something to sneak on your partner to, like, try on them out of nowhere.

[Xander Marin]

I know a minute ago I said, you gotta get consent. It's not necessarily that you have to ask for consent for every little thing that you're doing. That's why we're saying, have this conversation. And this is a means to opening up a conversation of, like, what types of things do you feel like you want to make sure I ask consent for? And what types of things do we kind of give each other a general, like, blanket consent for? And, you know, like, Vanessa's example could be like, oh, yeah, like, sex positions. Yeah, totally. Game on. Like, you want to throw me in a position? Like, yeah, I'm. I'm game to try. If it hurts, I'm going to let you know, and we're going to change it up. But, you know, and, yeah, like you said, some people might really like surprises. Some people will be like, yeah, no, I'm really up for whatever. I feel comfortable saying no. If I'm not into something, I like the idea of you surprising me with things. And other people will very understandably say, Hey, I don't. I don't want to be surprised with, like, a finger in the butt or, you know, unless I've told you that's okay. So valuable to have that conversation.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, next one. Talking in a baby voice, like, ever.

[Xander Marin]

Some, like, in bed.

[Vanessa Marin]

That's a good distinction. And that's another good conversation to have.

[Xander Marin]

We just had this conversation. Was it like an episode or not? Two ago.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. About somebody saying that baby talk outside of the bedroom really turned them off because they would think about it inside of the bedroom and kind of remember that.

[Xander Marin]

So it was like an egg, I.

[Vanessa Marin]

Feel like baby talk people tend to have pretty strong feelings about it. Like, you either like it or you really don't like it. So asking your partner. Yeah. Do you like baby talk? Period? And do you like baby talk in the bedroom? Baby talk in the bedroom. That's. I think that's a real narrow window of people that are going to be into that.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I mean, I think you're kind of getting into sort of like kink territory there. No. No. Shame.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. People who might.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. If that is something that you're super into, Hell, yeah. More power to you. But, yeah. Understanding that. That, you know, that's something where you're probably going to also want someone that is also similarly into that with you.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. I think for most people, the bedroom is not a time where we want to be thinking about babies.

[Xander Marin]

I mean, unless you're trying to make a baby. Does that make a difference?

[Vanessa Marin]

Being. Being baby, Like, Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, Fair, Fair. All right. So this one seems pretty reasonable to me to be like, hey, this is something that I am not really into, whether it's in the bedroom or just in general at all. This, to me, is very similar to, like, pet names, I think, where it's like, yeah. If there's a certain pet name that your partner is using and you really don't like that, you have every right to say, please don't call me that. Like, I'm not into that. It doesn't feel cute. It doesn't feel sexy.

[Vanessa Marin]

Then on the other hand, we get DMs from people who are like, my partner's never come up with a pet name for me. And it makes me so sad. Like, how do I make you do that? It's so cute.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. So call your partner a pet name until they tell you not to.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, next one. Stop asking if I like what he's doing when it's pretty clear. I do.

[Xander Marin]

The use of the word pretty is interesting. This one is really well 1. How clear is it? How clear is it, really?

[Vanessa Marin]

No, I want to. So first, I want to ask you, like, as a man, if I were to tell you this, if I was to say, stop asking me if I like what you're doing, it's pretty clear that I do. What's the reaction that comes up for you?

[Xander Marin]

I mean, if you were to be like, stop asking me that, I'd be like, well, do you. Are you sure you really like this? It doesn't really seem like you're into it. I mean, I think that I am saying that I'm asking you that because it's hot. It's hot to get. It's hot to be talking about what you're doing.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, I think that this is more about dirty talk than it is about, like, actual communication. I think most people are like, yeah, you like that? You like that? Like, it's more about the. In the moment.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, it's hot. It's hot. It's like a light dirty talk. It's also a validation thing. Like, it's fun to be told, yeah, that feels good. And it's sexy. If I'm like, yeah, you like that? And you say, yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, what gets me about this one is they're saying, like, it's pretty clear. I do. So I wonder, is it actually that clear to him? Because a lot of times I think that especially if we're talking about male, female relationships, I think a lot of women think, like, it's so clear, it's so obvious. But a lot of men are like, it's not to me. I want to know. So this is actually. These are two different scenarios. So one, there's a scenario where it's like, it's just dirty talk. And maybe she's getting this impression of, like, you don't actually care. You're just, you know, dirty talking. In which case I'm like, well, that's fine. Like, let there be a little bit of dirty talk. But I think there is also a separate scenario of a partner who's like, no, I genuinely am not sure. And I'm, like, wanting a little communication here. And in that case, I don't think that you should ask your partner to stop asking you for feedback.

[Xander Marin]

Stop asking me questions.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, you could say like, hey, let's talk about feedback after we have sex, rather than in the moment, if you don't like talking about it in the moment. But still, I think it's valid for somebody to know, like, hey, do you like this? Is this working for you? I think that's good communication, not something that should be discouraged.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I mean, I think what's happening is one of two things. Is that the person who wrote in about this, the person that wants their partner to stop asking them if they like it, I think that either they are taking his question way too literally and being like, stop checking in. Like, he keeps checking in. Like, is he doubting that I'm liking it? They're taking the question so literally, rather than thinking, oh, it's giving them some, like, kind of sexy satisfaction for me to communicate with them about this. To say, yeah, that's hot. I like it when you do X, Y or Z. Either they're taking the question too literally and they're like, oh, it's like a turn off. When, like, you're constantly like, oh, is this okay? Is this okay? But it's like, I don't think that's what the question is. If the person is saying, is this okay all the time, I could see how you're like, okay, like, enough already. Like, let's just do it. But if it's more of a dirty talk thing, then that's a totally different story. Now, on the flip side, I could see if, if this person is like, you talking to me, whether it's talking dirty, whether it's asking me if I like this, whether it's whatever is interrupting my ability to, like, enjoy the moment I'm trying to. I need to really concentrate in order to reach orgasm or something like that, then that is totally valid. I would say, though, that the feedback shouldn't be, hey, stop asking me if. If I like this. And rather, hey, for me, I'm finding that, like, in order for me to get from point A to point B, I need to be quiet or I need sort of like subtle introspection. I mean, this brings me back to, like, when you and I were first starting to have sex and we had a conversation about, like, you know, you would get kind of quiet as. As you were getting closer to orgasm and I wasn't. And I kept, like, changing up the techniques. I was like, oh, she was seeming to really enjoy this. And now I'm getting less of that feedback. So like, then I'd be like, changing up the technique or changing positions or whatever. And then Vanessa would get all upset because she's like, trying to get there and I'm then switching things up. So finally we talked about it and Vanessa explained to me, hey, once I'm getting really close, it's actually harder for me to communicate because that Brings me out of where I am. So if that's something that's coming up, I think this is totally valid. But the feedback shouldn't be, stop asking me this or that. It's more of a, hey, I'm like, you're distracting me when this is happening. And, like, I'm, you know, I would love for us, once we get past a certain point or maybe after I say something that, like, we kind of get into a more, like, quiet zone so that I can get to where I want to go.

[Vanessa Marin]

If you know anything about us, you know that we are obsessed with our dogs.

[Xander Marin]

Obsessed.

[Vanessa Marin]

Our life maybe too obsessed. I mean, we just recorded a podcast episode where I had each dog in my lap at different times. I let myself be horribly uncomfortable. I'm covered in white and black fur, which looks great on my clothing. But we are obsessed with them. And that's why we are so excited to tell you about today's podcast sponsor. Because Chewy makes it so easy for us to pamper our pooches. Chewy has over 100,000 products from all the brands we love at prices that we love. Food, treats, beds, you name it, they have everything. And the shipping is so freaking fast. Like one to two days. And it's not just for dogs. They also have cats, birds, fish, reptiles, all the pets. They even offer pet prescriptions. We actually just got one of our dogs medications through Chewy because our vet told us to. She's like, you can buy it here, but it's way more expensive. Like, just go to Chewy. And I was like, oh, my God, what a perfect recommendation. Because they're literally our podcast sponsor. So they have prescriptions at way cheaper than what you get at the vet's office. Pet insurance, telehealth, vet visits. They're even rolling out vet clinics across the country. They have this incredible auto ship feature so you make sure you never run out of all the essentials that you use. And they have top tier 24. 7 customer service. You can get expert advice over chat or the phone, day or night. And a ridiculous satisfaction guarantee. If your pet or you don't love something, you can return it within a year, no questions asked. Chewy has literally everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now, you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to chewy.compillows. that's chewy.compillows to save $20 on your first order with free shipping. Chewy.compillows. minimum purchase required. New customers only. Terms and conditions apply. C Site for complete details. Okay, we went way too deep on that one. We have so many other ones to get through. So let's go to the next section. Now from partners of women, we got not asking for what she likes during sex. So those are kind of two interesting ones back to back. I think that there are just a lot of partners who, like, they just want some feedback, they want more communication, and I think that's really important. We all have been socialized to believe that we're not supposed to need to communicate during sex. Like, we're supposed to just magically have incredible sex. But talking is a really big part of it. Like, having that communication with each other. Like, we need that. It's really unreasonable to think that you can just magically have great sex.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I mean, I think at the end of the day, to most people, it's super hot when you're having sex and your partner says, hey, do this. You're like, oh, hell yeah, I want to do that. So I think it's totally unreasonable to be like, no, I don't ever want to have to ask for anything during sex. It's not about having to ask for it. It's like getting to. It's like giving your partner the experience of like, getting to do something that you want that's exciting.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, this one confused me at first, saying, feel better immediately after sex. So I think what they mean here is they finish sex and the woman says to her partner, like, oh, do you feel better now?

[Xander Marin]

Like, oh, this is awful. It took me when we first got this one. I feel like we chatted about it for a minute because we were not understanding. And then once I kind of like started to put it together, I was like, oh, this feels really, honestly, like, demeaning and. Yeah. And kind of like invalidating to a guy because already, like, men have the stereotype of like, we want it wherever, whenever. And like, you know, sex is just this, like, physical itch that needs to be scratched. When in reality, the very vast majority, 99 plus percent of men who are in long term relationships want to have sex to get emotional connection. And so then if your partner is like, oh, you feel better? Oh, do you get what you needed?

[Vanessa Marin]

Well, I mean, could. Could that actually be like, yeah, I did get my emotional connection.

[Xander Marin]

Well, but I guess I would feel unseen. Like, I would feel unseen because. Because what you're implying with the feel.

[Vanessa Marin]

Better is that feel better does feel more like it's like, oh, yeah, did you get your itch scratched? Like, hey, are you actually. Are you feeling close to me now?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I was like, oh, you got. You. You needed me to give you this thing. Not like, oh, I wanted to be here with you too. And, like, you should both. You should both feel better. You should both feel more emotionally connected. So it kind of. It's like implying, like, yeah, that did nothing for me, but hopefully you feel better.

[Vanessa Marin]

This next one was super interesting. Taking it personally when I ask for a quickie.

[Xander Marin]

Ooh.

[Vanessa Marin]

So there's a couple of things here. I'm going to assume that this is a male, female relationship, because this is really the only time we see these kind of dynamics coming up in most quickies. Like, a lot of women will say, I won't orgasm in a quickie. Like, it's all about him. I don't know how to get there that fast. So if you're saying, hey, want to have a quickie? And what she hears there is, hey, I want to have an orgasm, and you're not going to get to have one, I totally understand why she would be taking it personally. It's like, yeah, cool. Sounds great for you, but, like, what's in it for me, bud?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. So the first question I would ask this person is, in your relationship, do you know if your partner is able to have an orgasm during a quickie? Like, are you guys locked in on what you each need to do for each other in order to have a quick orgasm? If the. If you're not sure about that, I can almost guarantee you that when you say, I want to have a quickie, she goes, oh, great, he wants an orgasm. I'm not getting one.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, exactly. Okay, but wait.

[Xander Marin]

What I do want to say that it's. It's not that quickie equals orgasm for the man. No orgasm for the woman. There are plenty of techniques and things that you can do and work on together so that you can both have orgasms during quickies. I just want to.

[Vanessa Marin]

You might have a little more to say about that in a little bit.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. But I just wanted to throw that out there because I know for many women, especially listening to this, that might feel unattainable or unachievable, but it absolutely is possible. I mean, I know, like, I mean, just in our sex life, this. We've worked on this a lot, and we are very good at getting down to business now. And in the beginning of our relationship, that was not the case. It took us like a. It took us a long time to get you there and it, you know, create some strife. If it was like, I didn't get, you know, like, I came a little too fast, and then it's like. So anyway, I just want to say this is totally possible. It just takes some intentional work, which is really fun and pleasurable too.

[Vanessa Marin]

Next category was kissing. Kissing loudly.

[Xander Marin]

You know, the loud kiss. This is kind of a problem for us right now. We both have Invisalign, and I know.

[Vanessa Marin]

I just take me out of it. This is more about your expander than my Invisalign.

[Xander Marin]

I have a problem.

[Vanessa Marin]

I wouldn't say you're kissing loudly.

[Xander Marin]

Well, I do notice I get a little extra saliva.

[Vanessa Marin]

That's your main kissing issue.

[Xander Marin]

That is happening because of this installed in my mouth. And the more saliva I get, the more likely it is for some smacking to occur. And that's not fun.

[Vanessa Marin]

Biting my lip.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, well, okay, that. That's very fair. I think that biting the lip is sort of like a move that some.

[Vanessa Marin]

People think it's super hot. I'd be so sad if you weren't into that.

[Xander Marin]

Really? I feel like I. When I heard you say that, I was like, oh, I should start biting your lip. I'm not aware that I do.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, from time to time.

[Xander Marin]

Give it, like, a little suck maybe, but not. Okay, we'll see. We'll see if you really like a bite.

[Vanessa Marin]

I like it more than you do, I think.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, but I will.

[Vanessa Marin]

Definitely something that I enjoy. But hey, taking a mental note. Great. I snuck a few in here.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, smart.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, I mean, everybody gets to have different preferences. If you're not into lip biting, that's fine. But again, great conversation opener with your partner. Do you like lip biting?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like these are, like, these, you know, very specific techniques, and yeah, it's totally fine if one of them you're not into and just like, hey, like, let's not do the lip biting or like, oh, you know, like, another great example would be, I don't know, like, neck kissing or something. Many people love not kissing. It's very sensitive area. But if you're like, that's super ticklish to me. I don't. I don't enjoy that. Like, yeah, like, it's totally fair to be like, no, I'm not. Not into that.

[Vanessa Marin]

Sucking on my tongue. Oh, God. That one. That literally gives me the shivers. Sucking on your tongue.

[Xander Marin]

It doesn't give me the shivers, but just feels like something that we've done to each other jokingly a couple of.

[Vanessa Marin]

Times, and it's kind of gross for us. Yeah. I feel like my hunch is that this Came from some sort of smutty novel. Somebody read it somewhere. Because I have read, like, sucking on my tongue or like stroking the roof of my mouth with his tongue. And I'm like, please know is writing this and I'm joking here. Like, everybody has. Again, everybody. Every body is different. Everybody has their own personal preferences. If you like sucking on the tongue, you do you. Good for you.

[Xander Marin]

I'm not even sure I could reach the roof of your mouth really. Like, is my tongue that long?

[Vanessa Marin]

My tongue's not that long.

[Xander Marin]

I did get my tongue tie release, so it's probably a little more dexterous than it was before.

[Vanessa Marin]

But I think most people would don't enjoy sucking on the tongue.

[Xander Marin]

I don't think I can.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, I don't think you could bend it up enough. Well, you're kind of leading us right into the next one. Sticking his tongue in my mouth so far, you guys.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, my perspective on kissing is you should be meeting in the middle. Like, this is. It's. It's like. It's like the new. It's like the neutral zone in. In football, you know, like, you know, like. Like the O line and the D line line up and there's like a half yard in the middle. That's a neutral zone. You're not allowed to. Well, in this case, you are allowed to cross into the neutral zone. But it's really just like.

[Vanessa Marin]

Like.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, it's like we meet each other in the middle because what is really.

[Vanessa Marin]

You go further than the middle. You like. You like a deeper tongue penetration when.

[Xander Marin]

I penetrate you or when you penetrate me?

[Vanessa Marin]

When with your tongue, your tongue is in my mouth, you go a little deep. Not too deep for me, but you definitely go deeper than meeting in the middle.

[Xander Marin]

My preference, it must just be because your tongue's not. Your tongue's not there. So I'm like, hey, where are you? Where'd you go?

[Vanessa Marin]

Gotta follow.

[Xander Marin]

Gotta follow up.

[Vanessa Marin]

Maybe you should, like, maybe the question should be. Okay, let's imagine like a one to five. Or one is like the front of my lips, and five is. You're hitting the back of my throat. Where do you want the tongue to be? I want. I want like a 1.5.

[Xander Marin]

1 2. Why'd you say you should have done 1 10, then could have said 2. Why do you pick a range that. Where you had a half number?

[Vanessa Marin]

I don't know. I haven't thought of this before. Okay, let's move on. Next category is initiation. Not verbally communicating that he wants sex.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, that's that's not cool. I mean, every now and then, if.

[Vanessa Marin]

I don't know, I think that's a preference. Some people prefer a more. We talk about this in our initiation styles model. Like, some people prefer a more physical initiation. Like, I just want you to kiss me out of nowhere. I just want you to grab me. I want you to throw me against the wal. And some people are like, off. Like, I want to hear that with your words. I want you to explicitly say, do you want to have sex with me?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. So yes, I totally agree with you. If you are both people that are into non verbal initiation, then, yeah, all the non verbal initiating that you can do, do it. I do think, though, that initiation, especially some challenging dynamics come up because many people don't feel comfortable initiating verbally because they are embarrassed or ashamed when it comes to initiation, or they're so worried about rejection that they do these sort of like, you know, the boo pong type, like jokey physical initiations that they can then have plausible deniability later on when you're like, oh, yeah, no, I wasn't trying to initiate. I was just grabbing your boobs. I was just joking. Like, I was just being a dumb male horn dog or something like that. When there is never any verbal initiation. And it's clear that that's because you're. You're scared or nervous or uncomfortable with it, or you're trying to avoid the vulnerability that creates a lot of problems.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, I think everybody should be comfortable initiating sex verbally. I think it's important for us to talk about sex openly. And I think learning your initiation styles and talking to each other about the specific ways that you like to be initiated is really important. A couple of years ago, I made a really terrible discovery. I am a nighttime teeth grinder. So am I, and so are millions of Americans. I was actually really embarrassed when my dentist first told me about it, but he's like, don't worry. Literally everybody grinds their teeth at night.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, you can't really control it.

[Vanessa Marin]

But what he told me is like, you need to start wearing a night guard. Like, you're gonna destroy your teeth if you want to. If you like, don't wear a night guard.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, yeah. It took me years to believe my dentist. And at that point I had irreparable, like, gum recession. Like, it damages you. And I wish that I had listened sooner.

[Vanessa Marin]

And it can even cause things like jaw pain, headaches, eroding your enamel, even broken teeth. Like, it's really bad. So the solution is to protect your Teeth with a mouth guard. But here's the catch. Mouth guards from the dentist can cost you around 500 to $800. The good news is that there is Remy. Remy makes dental grade professional quality mouth guards without the painful price tag. They're up to 80% cheaper than what you would pay at the dentist and they don't require you to visit a dental office because let's get real. A lot of people have dental anxiety, Zander included.

[Xander Marin]

So anytime, thanks to all that dental trauma from grinding my teeth for too.

[Vanessa Marin]

Long, anytime that you can avoid, a trip to the dentist is a good one. So the process with Remy is super simple. They send you an at home impression kit to create molds of your teeth. You send those back to Remy and their dental team will make your custom fit guards and send them right back to you. Their guards are so comfortable to wear that most people forget they are even wearing them. We are both on a little tooth straightening journey right now. But as soon as we are done with it, we are gonna be using Remy to get our custom night guards. But we already have the kit in the mail. It was super easy. Like the kit looks very easy to use, very intuitive. It's kind of fun to like your little teeth molds, shoot them off in the mail, get something back to you.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, we can't wait.

[Vanessa Marin]

And they have an incredible 45 night satisfaction guarantee. So you can try it risk free, see if you're sleeping better, decide if it's the perfect fit. If not, Remy has got you covered. Remy's for anyone dealing with nighttime grinding, clenching or jaw pain, who wants an affordable solution to protect their smile and say good night to jaw pain and headaches. Head to shopremy.compillow and use code PILLow to save up to 50%. That's 50% off at shopremi. R E M I R.compillow with code PILLow. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remy. Thank you, Remy for sponsoring this episode. Okay, humping me when I'm trying to fall asleep.

[Xander Marin]

Or relax.

[Vanessa Marin]

Or relax. Okay, so humping in general, I will say we have polled our audience about their preferred kinds of initiation and Vanessa just loves humping. It turns out I don't. Pretty much every single woman said, I don't like humping. Like it's not sexy. It's not like a turn on. I don't like it. And this goes back to exactly what you were saying a minute ago that like a lot of men especially will initiate in these kind of jokey ways. For the plausible deniability I think a lot of men think it's funny to, like, oh, let me just come up behind you and hump you. But I. Look, there's exceptions to everything, but I think the vast majority of women absolutely hate this and will not respond to this kind of initiation in a positive way.

[Xander Marin]

I mean, I think that it's just. It's. It's generally a really juvenile thing. I mean, it reminds me of, like. Like, dry. Like, dry humping as, like, teenagers.

[Vanessa Marin]

Dry humping is hot. I don't know what you're talking about, but, like, the, like, humping, it just reminds me of, like, a dog. It's like that. When you see a dog that's just, like, humping, it, it just doesn't feel good. It's gross. And it feels really impersonal, too. Yeah, it's the kind of initiation that feels like, oh, you're just initiating because you want something. Not you're initiating because you want to connect with me and have this shared experience of, like, real intimacy with me.

[Xander Marin]

Or, like, you're, like, just trying to be gross.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. So I would say don't hump. Just don't hump your partner unless your.

[Xander Marin]

Partner is asking you.

[Vanessa Marin]

Unless your partner specifically says, I think it's so hot and so sexy and fun when you hump me.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

Like, don't hump.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, like, from earlier, the person that was like, oh, my partner doesn't ask for what she likes during sex. So this person should just in the middle of sex, be like, oh, please hump me. Please hump me.

[Vanessa Marin]

No. Okay. Initiating in the exact same way every single time.

[Xander Marin]

Well, if it's using your words, that's a step in the right direction, but the same thing every single time. That. That doesn't. That loses the excitement.

[Vanessa Marin]

I don't know. I mean, I think it's hard to come up with, like, totally unique initiations. I do think we should try to, like, mix it up a little bit. Maybe have, like, three to five different ways of initiating in your repertoire. But I think for most people, like, it's just gonna be kind of a simple, like, hey, do you want to be intimate with me?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I don't think it needs to be super elaborate. What I'm wondering, this person is, like, initiating the exact same way every time. Like, is it a weird over the top or elaborate initiative?

[Vanessa Marin]

Or is it a humping that it's.

[Xander Marin]

Like, the same thing every time? You're like, okay, I know exactly what's coming.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, I bet it's more that the Person's just doing kind of like a boring initiation, in which case like, yeah, try to do something that feels like a little bit more exciting or just give some feedback.

[Xander Marin]

Hey, it would feel super exciting if you did something more in this direction. Like, don't. I think what's unhelpful is if you go to your partner and go, I don't want you to always do this.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Like I want you to do something more interesting. Like that's super open ended versus being like, hey, you know, like in general, we've been initiating in the same way all the time. And it would actually be super exciting if maybe sometimes you did something more like this, like throw them a bone of like saying what it is that you like. That's, that's going to increase the likelihood that they're going to do it and that they're going to be excited about it and it's just going to. Yeah, that's going to be way better than just being like, don't do this.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, okay. And then we have not being clear that she's trying to have sex. This is something that we hear from men often that like their female partner, she says she's initiating, but he's like, I, this is really not clear to me at all. And this goes back to what we were talking about earlier too, that I think a lot of men just like, more directness, like more obviousness.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Hey, want to fudge?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. Rather than like trying to like give you the look or you know, like, oh, I just am like, keep walking by him and hoping he'll want to grab me or something. It's like we have to be, be a little bit more direct.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I, I would, I would venture a guess that if we were to pull men on, how many men would love it if their partner just said, hey, wanna fuck? I bet it would be 80. I bet 80% of men would be like, hell yeah, that would be hot.

[Vanessa Marin]

Interesting. Okay, let's move into our foreplay category. Here were some responses from women always wanting to be dirty or cussing. I would like it to be more romantic. So this is another great conversation to have with your partner of like, what sort of vibe, what sort of energy do you like to have between the two of us when we're having sex. Because for some people, like, they like to be dirty. They like to have some dirty talk and you know, be a little raunchy about it. And other people might say like, yeah, that's not really on the menu for me. But also.

[Xander Marin]

Or it's not on the menu for me tonight.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, like, it could be different things. So that's another. This is another super interesting thing about sex that has always just caught my attention. Like when we initiate sex, we're never talking about what kind of sex we actually want to have, which is so weird. There's a comparison that you could make here. It'd be like inviting your friend, like, hey, do you want to go on a trip with me? And they're like, well, okay, but what kind of trip are we doing like a road trip for a weekend? Or are you talking a two week international cruise?

[Xander Marin]

No, I'm not, I'm not going to tell you. I just need you to tell me.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yes or no you're coming on the trip.

[Xander Marin]

No, I haven't planned it and no, I'm not going to tell you anything about it. Yeah, if we were really true friends, you'd just say yes or no.

[Vanessa Marin]

So I think that, that, that should be sometimes part of the initiation of like, well, what, what did you have in mind? You know, what's on the menu for tonight? What kind of vibe are we going for?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, or like, yeah, what? Or what? Would you be open to something like that? I do think that with this, with sort of like. Because, you know, I think what you might be thinking if you're hearing this, because I. This probably describes a lot of people listening where it's like one partner, if it were up to them, they would be much dirtier or much more, I don't know, raunchy or whatever. And the other partner, it's like, if it were up to me, like, it would just be more slow and romantic or mellow or whatever. And so I could see how it feels like, oh, well, if this is your situation and one partner really would prefer A and the other partner would really prefer B. Like, how do we mash those two? I mean, a couple ideas. Like, one is, you know, the person that initiates maybe takes a bit more in the lead of, you know, sort of like going with their vibe. Though you have to have a conversation about that so that both partners know. Okay, well, like, you know, if the more romantic one initiated, then as the person receiving that initiation, okay, I'm going into this in a more romantic vibe. Alternatively, I mean, you could talk about what your experiences are like with those different approaches. Like, the thing that comes to mind for me about the sort of like more dirty vibe or whatever is like, that can be sometimes that might feel a little like disconcerting or coming out of nowhere right at the Beginning versus, like, once we actually get into the moment and we're starting to have sex and we're starting to get more excited. Often our. Often our idea of what sounds good starts to open up, like, once we're really feeling it. And then all of a sudden it's like, you know, something that's a little more energetic or maybe a little dirtier all of a sudden does sound good. But at the beginning, before, like, the engine is revving, like, that doesn't feel good. And so, you know, this could be a situation where it's like, hey, actually, what I found is, like, hey, I need it to be kind of slow and romantic as we start out. And then once things start ratcheting up, like, I'm open for it to get a little, you know, us to, like, the dirty talk to start flowing or whatever. So I just think that's like, a really valuable conversation to have because, like. Yeah, I know. I know. For me is like, for us, it's like, once we've gotten into it, all of a sudden, like, we're both feeling spicier. But it's like, right at the very beginning. I'm not usually, like, super dirty, you know, like.

[Vanessa Marin]

No. Sometimes.

[Xander Marin]

Whoa. Okay. Tmi.

[Vanessa Marin]

Wiggling my boob back and forth.

[Xander Marin]

But what even is this?

[Vanessa Marin]

You know what this is? You've done it on time to time. From time to time.

[Xander Marin]

Show me with your hands.

[Vanessa Marin]

But like, yeah, like that. Yeah. This has got to be from a woman who has a male partner. I think men just.

[Xander Marin]

Just.

[Vanessa Marin]

You guys are just really fascinated by boobs and you just want to jiggle.

[Xander Marin]

They're awesome.

[Vanessa Marin]

But jiggling doesn't feel great sometimes.

[Xander Marin]

You like to jiggle my. You'd like to jiggle my dick and my balls sometimes. So you should understand.

[Vanessa Marin]

But I just. Yeah, I think most people don't. They don't love the wiggling. It feels juvenile and immature. I know when I want to, like, jiggle your balls, it's definitely immature.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I mean, what I will say is one, if you try to do this not during sex, like, you are, you are probably not going to be having sex soon thereafter. If you're doing this, like, in the middle of sex, like, and your partner is not specifically told you they're into that, like, probably you're going to be taking things down a notch.

[Vanessa Marin]

I think in general. And again, this is the perfect point to pause the episode, talk about it with your partner, because everybody is different. But I will say in general, I think that women like much more gentle, like, Strokes and caresses of our bodies.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. So pause and like, what do you. How do you feel about boob play? But what. What is your experience of having your breasts played with? What do you like? What don't you like?

[Vanessa Marin]

I think most men would. It would do them well to start off, like, a lot slower and a lot gentler than you would think, and that you can build up the pressure, like, build up the speed or build up to doing more types of stuff. But I think, again, very general advice here, but I think if you slowed it down and got a little more caressy, that that would be a good thing.

[Xander Marin]

Okay.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay. From men we had playing with my balls.

[Xander Marin]

Turns out neither of us like the.

[Vanessa Marin]

Jiggles and the Wiggles, but okay. But I didn't know. Was this. Was this a jiggly wiggly kind of thing?

[Xander Marin]

A jiggly wiggly.

[Vanessa Marin]

I understand that. Or is. Is this somebody saying, playing with my balls, like, actually in a sexy. Because, like, I think there's some really good ball techniques that you can do. Obviously, I don't have balls, so I don't know. But you have seemed to really enjoy ball play.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. And when done right, it's. It's a real nice addition. It's a real nice addition.

[Vanessa Marin]

Good conversation to have. Okay, this is where some really interesting responses came up. I'm going to read a couple of them together. Here are three different responses. Stop being so nice. It's okay to me, acting like he's in a porno and pounding too hard or too fast during sex sounds like.

[Xander Marin]

You got a real problem on your hands.

[Vanessa Marin]

Well, these are people. Different responses.

[Xander Marin]

I know, I know, but I'm saying.

[Vanessa Marin]

Like, stop being so nice me. And it's like, stop me. Be nicer.

[Xander Marin]

I mean, what I'm saying is it sounds like you got a real problem on your hands unless you say these things to your partner. Like, it's. It's not fair to just assume that they know. I mean, this is a great example of one person is saying, hey, I, like, I want you to fuck me like. Or like, I want it to be kind of more porn. Like another person saying, stop acting like that's what we're doing. So, you know, if two different people have those perspectives, then how. How is, you know, one guy supposed to know what to do? Like, it's. It's not fair to assume, oh, there's a right answer to this, and he should just know it. Like, you gotta talk about it for the first one. Stop being so nice. It's okay to fuck Me? I mean, I think you got. You should ask for that. Like, literally say that. Yeah, okay, maybe not the first part. Stop being so nice. I'd be like, yo, you gonna fuck me or what?

[Vanessa Marin]

So it's a good conversation overall to have, like, what kind of vibe are you going for during sex? But also in individual moments, too. Like, there might be a specific day where you're like, yeah, I want it to be more slow and romantic and gentle. And there might be another day where you're like, I want you to just fuck the shit out of me. So you have to communicate those things. You can't expect your partner to read your mind and know now. This being said, all that being said.

[Xander Marin]

There you go.

[Vanessa Marin]

This being said, all that being said. I think if we want to give some general broad brushstrokes advice here, what we do hear very often in male female relationships is that women in general tend to want things to be slower and gentler.

[Xander Marin]

So don't. Don't assume that you're going for porn.

[Vanessa Marin]

I do think a lot of men have watched porn and what you see, like, the way. What we really need to recognize is that sex that you see in porn is designed to be maximally viewable. Like action.

[Xander Marin]

There's, like, got to be a lot.

[Vanessa Marin]

Of action and visuals. And so if you're doing this, like, gentle, like, slow grinding, like, you can't really see anything, Right? But when somebody's, like, pulling all the way out, thrusting all the way back in, they are going for it. Like, you're seeing that movement. It's more visually appealing than, like, a little gentle rocking motion, right?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I think the way that most people have sex, if you were to film it, even if you were like, get really right up close there and film it, like, it would. It wouldn't look like a porn. It wouldn't look like that much is happening. It feels like a lot more is happening than what it looks like.

[Vanessa Marin]

But the problem is so many men have watched so much porn that they've gotten it into their heads of, this is what sex is supposed to look like. This is what she wants. The harder, the faster I pound at her, like, the better. And in general, most women tell us, I don't like it that hard. Like, it hurts, it's uncomfortable, it doesn't feel good. Like, I want to feel him closer to me. I want him to slow down. So just like I was saying earlier, with, like, more of the gentle caress type of touch, I think that the average woman really wants sex to be slower and gentler. And not this like jackhammer emotion.

[Xander Marin]

So it's probably fair to, you know, to assume that you should be more in that direction unless you're told or requested or asked otherwise by your partner. But again, like, this is why it's so good to have these types of conversations because everyone has their own preferences around how they like to have sex, how they like to be fucked, how they like to fuck, like all of that. So we're using the, we're saying fuck a lot in this episode.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay. Next one is talking during sex.

[Xander Marin]

Like, stop talking.

[Vanessa Marin]

I think that that is an unreasonable request to make. Yeah, we've talked so much already in this episode about how important communication is during sex. And I, I don't think it's reasonable to tell your partner, stop talking now. It may be an issue. There are sometimes some people are talking like the whole time where it's like a more of a dirty talking thing rather than a like, hey, do you like that? What do you want to try next? Can we do this position? That type of thing?

[Xander Marin]

Some people have other comp, like non sexual conversations too. Like, hey, so tomorrow, like let's run through the schedule tomorrow. Oh my God, I'm not into that personally, that I would lose wood. I would lose my erection, I think if, if we did that. But maybe other people get off on that.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay. So yeah, I don't think, like if your partner is just maybe dirty talking the entire time or they're trying to talk to you about the schedule the entire time, I think that's okay to say, like, hey, let's chill a little bit. Let's dial it back a little, back a little bit. But the, like, I don't think it's reasonable to say don't talk to me at all during sex. Sex. I want people to communicate more during sex, not less.

[Xander Marin]

For sure.

[Vanessa Marin]

There was also a semi related one where somebody said using questions as dirty talk. And this is actually a really niche little piece of advice that I have here. I don't love questions as dirty talk because I think what it does is it pulls you out of the moment and kind of puts you on the spot. So a great example of this is like, what's your fantasy? That's not good dirty talk. Yeah, yeah, it's just like you're like, wait, what? I don't know, like what we're doing. It's just too hard to like try to think of an answer in that moment and like how you want to say it and what you want to say and all of that. It's too much.

[Xander Marin]

But, you know, we, we talk a lot about like giving options. So would it be okay to be like, oh, like you want me to, you know, throw you on your back or, you know, I don't know, lean you over this chair?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, that's great. I think an option question is great. But just like asking these open ended questions or like, what do you want? Oh, God. Do not ask, what do you want during sex? Like, for most people that's just gonna. It's too big of a question and it feels kind of lazy. Okay. The next one was waiting for me to make all of the decisions about positions. This is kind of like this was a man talking about a woman.

[Xander Marin]

Okay. Yeah. I mean, this is like initiation where our perspective is both partners need to initiate sex. Doesn't have to be 50, 50, but it's important to feel wanted. And so it's important for both partners to initiate sex. And I think it's same with positions. Like, it's not, it's not fair to be like, oh, positions all his job, or positions all her job. When she's ready to change, she'll tell me, like, sex is something that you both have to participate in. And if you're ready to try a new position or if you want to, you know, you want to change or you want to tell your partner, hey, let's do something else. Like, yeah, you both have to do that.

[Vanessa Marin]

It kind of feeds into the next one, which is being inactive. And I will say this is feedback that we hear a lot from men about female partners that are like, she just lies there. She's not really participating. She's letting me do sex to her, but she's not having sex with me. And I think a lot of us women have it in our heads that men, like you said earlier, want sex wherever, whenever. They'll take whatever they can get. When the reality is men don't want pity sex. They don't want you to just throw them a bone. Men want you to want to have.

[Xander Marin]

Sex with them and to be there with them.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, to be there in the moment.

[Xander Marin]

Emotionally, not just physically.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. Creating this shared experience. Like, we are doing this together. It's not me doing all the work and you're just like, okay, do whatever you want. Okay. I know that we have shared a lot about what not to do when it comes to intercourse, but stay tuned a little bit longer because we are going to share some very special tips on how to do more of what your partner loves and secretly wants you to be doing. Okay, this next category. This is our anal category. And there are a few things here that we got to talk about, because these things are not good. Okay, Swiping from the back to the front to find the clit. You cannot do this. This is not okay for anybody to do.

[Xander Marin]

This is cruisin for a uti. Bruisin'it.

[Vanessa Marin]

Sure is. You can go from front to back, but on a woman's body, you cannot go from back to front.

[Xander Marin]

And when you say. When you say front to back, you can do that once, one time. Not like. Not like. As long as you start in the front, you can go to the back.

[Vanessa Marin]

Once you hit the back, you cannot go back to the front.

[Xander Marin]

You do not pass go. You do not pass $200 unless you pass the sink and soap it.

[Vanessa Marin]

You know, soap and water, because bacteria from the anus and the rectum, if you introduce that into the vagina or the vulva, it can upset the ph balance. It can lead to irritation and infection. It can lead to UTIs. So you want to be really careful. Never go from the back to the front. But also, this cracks me up because it just gives me such a mental picture of some dude.

[Xander Marin]

Like, just, like, full credit card swipe.

[Vanessa Marin]

It's like, I don't know where the quit is.

[Xander Marin]

Where's that? Where's that? We're going in back to front.

[Vanessa Marin]

I can go all the way to the front.

[Xander Marin]

Started from the back.

[Vanessa Marin]

Now we hear, okay, then this next one.

[Xander Marin]

Do you need me to read it?

[Vanessa Marin]

Pulling my butt cheeks apart when he grabs my butt during sex. It hurts and has caused anal bleeding.

[Xander Marin]

Wow.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. You cannot not talk about this. The prompt for this was, what do you secretly wish your partner would stop doing, but you haven't told them yet.

[Xander Marin]

This can't be a secret.

[Vanessa Marin]

This can't be a secret. It pains me to know that there is someone out there who is suffering from anal bleeding from their partner ripping their butt cheeks apart during sex.

[Xander Marin]

Sounds so painful.

[Vanessa Marin]

Talk to your partner about this. Do not let your butt bleed. Please, people.

[Xander Marin]

I got nothing else to say about that.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, Finishing and aftercare. Okay? From women we had telling me that I'm about to finish. So this was like, a dude. Her dude partner is telling her you're about to come. So, okay, one, maybe if you're doing, like, a power play type of thing where it's like, orgasm control or he's dominating you or something, and it's like, oh, you can't come now. Or like, now you can come. That could be hot. But I Think in general.

[Xander Marin]

Think through all the ways that one could say this.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. In general. I would say, like, don't tell a woman you're gonna come. You don't know you're about to.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, you're so.

[Vanessa Marin]

I feel like you don't know me. You don't know me. You don't know what you're talking about.

[Xander Marin]

I think it's one thing if you're like, oh, I want you to come so bad, or something like that, or, you know, talking about how hot it is going to be when you come, or how I'm, you know, I'm so excited for you to come. That's. That's fine. I. I hope that's not what the situation is here. And this person is, like, thinking that that implies that they're saying, you're about to. But in all. Yeah, if it's some weird, like, it's some weird, like, oh, yeah, you're liking this so much, you're about to come.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay.

[Xander Marin]

That. That just puts you in a bit. That puts your partner in a shitty position because then they either have to just be silent and not acknowledge that you said something, or they probably feel like they have to lie.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

To you. Like, oh, yeah, I am, but you're not. And then. And yeah. And if that's a situation they're in, calling attention to that is only making them further and further from getting there. You're just creating a situation where your partner is likely to sort of, like, white lie to you.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Or. Or fake.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

And just. You're creating a bad situation.

[Vanessa Marin]

Trying to make me have multiple orgasms. One is enough. This is another really great conversation that honestly, every couple should have, because I think. And I'm. I would be willing to guess this is a male partner. I think that a lot of men, like, get excited about the idea of, like, going for multiples or they think, you know, multiples are better. Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

More is better. Right?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. Like, I can say from personal experience, I don't like going for multiples. Like, I can. But for me, I feel super satisfied after that first one. And the first one for me is always the strongest. It can be different for other people, but for me, it's like, I don't want to try for more. And if I did, like, I can ask for that. But in general. Yeah, every couple should talk about this.

[Xander Marin]

So is the experience a bit like, you know, then you put in the work to get that second one, and then it's like, not really as good. You're kind of. It's like, you have a really great dessert, and then you have. Have a bite of a really crappy dessert, and you're like, oh, like, stopped after the first. Should have stopped and left this really nice taste in my mouth all night. Yeah. I mean, I know I am 100 guilty of this early in our relationship because honestly, as a guy, it's like, it's. It's intriguing and exciting.

[Vanessa Marin]

Like, that we're capable of that.

[Xander Marin]

You're capable of it. I'm so jealous of that. Like, God, I wish that I could have multiple orgasms and have no refraction, refractory, not refraction refractory period. I so wish that. And so it's like, it's cool to be like, okay, well, the next best thing I could do is give that to my partner. But yeah, once we had that conversation, that really helped clarify to me. Oh, okay. Like, one is enough. That also, like, did end up, you know, does take some pressure off because it's like, okay, cool. Like, once I see that you're getting close, I can just let myself go rather than, you know, being like, you know, at least for me, when I see that you are getting close to having an orgasm, it's very hard for me to not, like, it's very. It's just exciting. And so, you know, in the past, when I was, like, trying to go for multiple orgasms for you, I'm like, you know, you're getting there and you're really loving it. And I'm like, don't come. Don't come. You know, like, I'm. And that's, like, you know, creates not the greatest experience, and you're trying to, like, disconnect from your own body so that you don't have an orgasm.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

And so, yeah, for me, it was just like, oh, okay. Yeah, that. That's really great. It's really great to know that. And now I can just be like, okay, cool. Like, this is the timing that we're on. Once I see that you're starting to get there, like, time to go.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay. And here's our last one. This was from a man making me get off of her right away after I finish.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, he wants some aftercare.

[Vanessa Marin]

I know he wants to just, like, be able to have a moment.

[Xander Marin]

My suspicion here is that this is a woman that is, like, somewhat paranoid about utis and is like, get off of me. I'm going to like, I need to go to the bathroom and pee right away or something like that.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, I do think women have to be more thoughtful about Cleanup in order to prevent UTIs. And there are definitely a lot of women who will get, like, they'll really get a UTI if they don't get up and clean up right away. So I think being able to have that conversation, you know, being able to express, like, hey, I'd love for us to be able to, like, linger in that moment afterwards during sex. That's actually feedback that we hear a lot from men of, like, the closest I ever feel to my partner is in those moments, like, right after sex. And a lot of women don't recognize that, and they're like, jumping up to clean up and, you know, move along in their day, get to whatever is next. So it's a really great opportunity for more connection. And even if she does need to get up to, like, hey, I need to clean up. I need to make sure that I, you know, go to the bathroom, prevent that uti. You could still come back into the bed and stay in, you know, stay together and cuddle and talk about it and all that.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I think it's really important to have this conversation. I think that for the vast majority of people, the. The difference between, like, 0 seconds afterwards and like, you know, 10, 20, 30 seconds afterwards is, like, really not any difference in your likelihood to get a uti. We're not, like, the research is not even clear on whether going pee right after sex markedly decreases your chance of getting a uti. It's unclear. But that being said, if you're like, hey, I have a history of bad UTIs, this is something that I feel like I need to do in order to, you know, protect my health. I do think that it's fair to be like, so here's like, you know, here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to be able to jump up, but then I'm committed to coming right back and, you know, cuddling or whatever it is that's going to feel good. I think that it doesn't that. But yeah, without having this conversation, there's no way for you guys to come to an understanding of what it is about the aftercare that feels good and figuring out, okay, how can we have the aftercare and have both of us feel okay about it? It could, you know, if it's just. If it's not like a UTI or health thing and you're like, you know, it's more about the mess and, like, okay, if I have, like, a couple seconds where it's like, I can get to the bathroom without it leaking everywhere or Whatever. If it's something like that coming up for you, you could be like, you know, hey, I would be open to us spending more time together if, if, you know, you, my partner, like, had maybe a towel ready beforehand and you could help clean me up because it's like, I don't enjoy, you know, having to waddle to the bathroom and, you know, making a mess everywhere or something like that. So it's like, I think this can be a negotiation.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Honestly, where it's. It's not. Yeah. It's like, how can we make this work for both of us? How can you support me in getting what I need from a cleanliness or health perspective and you get what you want from an emotional connection?

[Vanessa Marin]

And to be clear, sex is not dirty. We don't have to, like, clean up from a hygienic perspective.

[Xander Marin]

No, I think more about just like.

[Vanessa Marin]

The peeing afterwards to make sure you don't get a uti. All right, now we know that hearing all this might have you feeling a little self conscious. Maybe you're thinking like, oh, no, I have definitely done some or a lot of these things.

[Xander Marin]

I've done some of these things.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. Okay. Don't worry. First of all, you're not alone.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Because I did it.

[Vanessa Marin]

We all make mistakes in the bedroom. Good news is, though, that we're not here to shame you. We are here to help you figure out what to do. Right.

[Xander Marin]

That's exactly why we created the ultimate sex guide. We know how awkward it can feel when you're wondering, like, if you're doing things wrong or if your partner is secretly wishing that you'd change something up. So we've put together a guide that takes the guesswork and the stress out of improving your sex life.

[Vanessa Marin]

Now this is not just another collection of random tips. The Ultimate Sex Guide is a 2,200page step by step playbook filled with 42 beautifully illustrated positions, expert advice and troubleshooting tips to make every moment together feel amazing.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, we break it all down for you, like exactly how to move, how to adjust for your own unique bodies. How do you even combine positions based on the mood or the vibe that you're going for? So whether it's a playful quickie or a night of of full blown romance, we've got you covered.

[Vanessa Marin]

And because we know how much you love listening here, we have also included. These are brand new, we literally just recorded them a few weeks ago. Audio guides where we walk you through all of our essential do's and don'ts. Our three golden rules for sex our aftercare strategies to keep the connection strong. So no crazy acrobatics, no judgment, just clear, actionable guidance to make sex fun and fulfilling again.

[Xander Marin]

And there's more. If you grab the ultimate sex guide before February 16th, you're also going to get our 30 days of connection bonus guide for free that is packed with intimacy boosting questions and challenges to help you feel closer in every way both inside and outside the bedroom.

[Vanessa Marin]

So why settle for good enough? This is your chance to reignite your connection, close the orgasm gap and feel like you are both truly satisfied in the bedroom.

[Xander Marin]

Head on over to vmtherapy.com ultimate sex to grab your copy now for just 99 bucks, this is the Valentine's Day gift that actually delivers with instant delivery and a money back guarantee. There is no risk, just way more reward.

[Vanessa Marin]

So what are you waiting for? This could be the Valentine's Day that changes everything.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Don't miss out. Go to vmtherapy.com ultimate sex now and make this Valentine's Day unforgettable for both of you.

[Vanessa Marin]

All right, well that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we do a deep dive into one of our favorite positions.