Podcast Summary: Pillow Talks - EPISODE 199: Am I The Asshole? Masturbation, Snooping, and Jealousy

Hosts:
Vanessa Marin – A seasoned sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.
Xander Marin – A relatable, everyday individual who co-hosts the show alongside Vanessa.

Release Date: March 13, 2025

Introduction to "Am I the Asshole?" Segment

In this episode, Vanessa and Xander Marin revisit a fan-favorite segment inspired by the popular Reddit thread "Am I the Asshole?" (AITA). They open the floor to listeners' real-life relationship dilemmas, providing their expert opinions on whether the involved parties are in the wrong. This format encourages honest discussions about various relationship challenges, making it an engaging segment for listeners to reflect on their own partnerships.

Scenario 1: Masturbation Discovery and Partner Interrogation

Listener's Situation:

Timestamp [00:00 - 04:44]
A listener shares her journey of discovering masturbation after being raised in a purity culture. She finds liberation in exploring her own pleasure but faces challenges as her partner becomes increasingly curious and inquisitive about her private activities. She admits to snooping through her partner's phone due to his interactions with young women on Instagram and his conversations about women during sex. This leads her to question whether withholding details about her own masturbation sessions makes her an asshole.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa Marin [00:00]: "I recently discovered masturbation. After years of purity culture, it has been freeing..."
• Vanessa Marin [04:33]: "Am I the asshole for not always sharing?"

Hosts' Discussion:

Vanessa and Xander delve into the complexities of sexual autonomy within a relationship, especially when both partners are navigating newfound freedoms post-purity culture. They emphasize the importance of communication and setting boundaries that respect each partner's comfort levels.

Advice Given:

• Xander Marin [07:28]: "You are absolutely not the asshole for not always sharing."
• Encouraged the listener to have a gentle conversation with her partner, expressing appreciation for his interest while asserting her need for personal boundaries.
• Suggested playful yet assertive strategies to manage the frequency of inquiries, such as offering to share details only when comfortable or introducing mutual masturbation as a way to bridge their sexual explorations.

Scenario 2: Rekindled Friendship Leading to Emotional Strain

Listener's Situation:

Timestamp [16:57 - 25:19]
A listener discusses her marriage, which has been strained due to her husband's rekindled friendship with a woman following his involvement in a play. The friendship evolves into constant texting and sharing of intimate details, including discussions about sexual books and his ex's new sex life. Despite setting boundaries, her husband accuses her of being controlling when she seeks closure and understanding about this ongoing interaction. She now faces his annoyance whenever the topic arises, questioning if her pursuit of closure makes her an asshole.

Notable Quotes:

• Xander Marin [19:09]: "First, it's like, okay, we're having problems in our marriage and this person is now the first person that my partner is going to about our problem."
• Vanessa Marin [23:56]: "I really want to make space for, like, you're allowed to have feelings. You're allowed to have boundaries."

Hosts' Discussion:

Vanessa and Xander explore the delicate balance between maintaining friendships outside the marriage and safeguarding the marital bond. They discuss the potential for emotional infidelity and the importance of clarity in setting and respecting boundaries.

Advice Given:

• Emphasized the need for the husband to establish a clear and respectful end to the friendship, avoiding ghosting or leaving things ambiguous.
• Xander Marin [24:18]: "You deserve to be respected."
• Recommended that the listener demand proof of her husband's commitment to change and consider separation if trust cannot be rebuilt.
• Highlighted the significance of mutual respect and accountability in repairing the relationship.

Scenario 3: Snooping Through Partner's Phone and Trust Violations

Listener's Situation:

Timestamp [27:17 - 41:07]
A listener recounts her experience of snooping through her partner's phone, discovering saved sexy pictures, masturbation videos of other women, and images from her personal diary. Despite confronting him and him claiming he has deleted the incriminating content, he refuses to provide proof. She now wonders if insisting on seeing this proof makes her an asshole.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa Marin [29:58]: "He is being manipulative, it's gaslighty."
• Xander Marin [38:09]: "You deserve to be respected."

Hosts' Discussion:

Vanessa and Xander dissect the layers of trust violations presented in the scenario, addressing issues of privacy invasion, emotional manipulation, and the complexities of rebuilding trust after such breaches.

Advice Given:

• Xander Marin [38:29]: "I would not recommend that you stay with this person."
• Stressed that requiring proof is within her rights and highlighted the husband's manipulative behavior in denying wrongdoing while accusing her of cheating.
• Encouraged the listener to prioritize her well-being and consider ending the relationship if trust cannot be restored.

Scenario 4: Partner's Vocal Changes and Misophonia

Listener's Situation:

Timestamp [50:29 - 56:19]
A listener with misophonia describes her partner's sudden adoption of a breathy, vocal fry voice reminiscent of a cheerleader after he started a new job that involves frequent travel. Despite setting up schedules and meal preps to manage parenting during her absences, his vocal changes disrupt her peace, leading her to question if asking him to revert to his old voice makes her an asshole.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa Marin [51:09]: "I don't think that you're the asshole for asking to be conscious of his voice..."
• Xander Marin [55:39]: "Yeah, this is a conversation you guys are gonna have to have."

Hosts' Discussion:

The hosts acknowledge the challenges of misophonia and its impact on relationships. They discuss the importance of understanding and accommodating each other's needs while finding solutions that respect both partners' well-being.

Advice Given:

• Vanessa Marin [52:37]: "I don't think anyone's the asshole here."
• Suggested that both partners engage in open, empathetic conversations about how the vocal changes affect her and explore potential solutions together.
• Recommended seeking professional help, such as a speech therapist, to address the vocal changes if they're unintentional.

Scenario 5: Accusation of Cheating Over a Past Journal

Listener's Situation:

Timestamp [47:12 - 50:26]
A listener explains how her ex-partner discovered her journal, which contained entries from a previous relationship, including quirky, sad, and frustrating moments leading up to their breakup. Upon finding the journal, he falsely accused her of cheating, prompting her to destroy the journal to appease him. Now, as a happily married woman with a child, she questions whether her past journal entries constitute cheating.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa Marin [48:00]: "No. What? Having a life before you were in a partnership with someone."
• Xander Marin [49:23]: "You deserve to be respected."

Hosts' Discussion:

Vanessa and Xander address the irrational nature of the ex-partner's accusations, emphasizing that maintaining a history through journaling is both normal and healthy. They highlight the importance of trust and the damaging effects of baseless jealousy.

Advice Given:

• Xander Marin [50:18]: "Let people have some friggin privacy."
• Affirmed that the listener was not at fault and that journals are personal reflections, not indicators of current disloyalty.
• Encouraged the listener to uphold her privacy and reject unfounded accusations of cheating based on past documentation.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Hosts' Closing Remarks:

Vanessa and Xander conclude the "Am I the Asshole?" segment by encouraging listeners to continue sharing their relationship dilemmas. They emphasize the importance of open communication, mutual respect, and understanding in navigating the complexities of modern relationships. The hosts also remind listeners to subscribe and engage with them on Instagram for more insights and interactive content.

Final Quotes:

• Vanessa Marin [56:19]: "I don't think you are the asshole, but I also don't know how to solve this one."
• Xander Marin [56:35]: "You deserve to be respected."

Key Takeaways:

• Communication is Crucial: Open and honest dialogues are essential in addressing and resolving relationship challenges.
• Respect Boundaries: Both partners must honor each other's personal boundaries to maintain trust and intimacy.
• Seek Professional Help: In complex situations, therapy can provide guidance and strategies for improvement.
• Prioritize Self-Wellness: Ensuring personal well-being is paramount, especially when facing disrespect or manipulation within a relationship.
• Cultural Influences Matter: Understanding and overcoming ingrained cultural beliefs, such as those from purity culture, can significantly impact relationship dynamics.

For more insightful episodes and relationship advice, subscribe to the Pillow Talks Podcast and follow Vanessa and Xander on Instagram at @VanessaAndXander.