EPISODE 207 The Foreplay Episode: The 5 Things We’re All Getting Wrong (re-air)

Summary

Pillow Talks Podcast: EPISODE 207 – The Foreplay Episode: The 5 Things We’re All Getting Wrong (Re-air)
Released on May 8, 2025, by Vanessa & Xander Marin | QCODE

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Introduction to Foreplay

In Episode 207 of Pillow Talks, hosts Vanessa and Xander Marin delve deep into the often misunderstood realm of foreplay. Vanessa, a seasoned sex therapist with two decades of experience, and Xander, her down-to-earth partner, aim to dismantle common misconceptions and provide actionable advice to enhance intimacy in relationships. This episode, a re-air of their popular discussion titled "The Foreplay Episode: The 5 Things We’re All Getting Wrong," offers insightful analysis backed by community feedback and their professional expertise.

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1. Foreplay is Treated as an Unnecessary Extra

Vanessa kicks off the conversation by addressing the prevalent misconception that foreplay is merely a preliminary act before the "main event" of intercourse. She emphasizes, "Foreplay is essential, and this is true for people of all genders" (08:05), arguing that it should hold equal importance to other aspects of sexual intimacy. The hosts highlight how, over time, couples often narrow their sexual activities to quick, less satisfying interactions, neglecting the profound pleasure and connection that foreplay can offer.

Notable Quote:
Vanessa Marin (17:02): "Foreplay is not an unnecessary extra. It is essential, and this is true for people of all genders."

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2. Foreplay is Only Done at the Beginning of Sex

The second misconception tackled is the limited scope of foreplay. Vanessa observes that foreplay is often rushed, serving merely as a setup for intercourse rather than being an ongoing, enjoyable component of sexual activity. She shares, "We are treating it like this, this unnecessary extra," illustrating how the brevity and purpose-driven approach diminish its potential for enhancing intimacy (17:55).

Notable Quote:
Xander Marin (28:58): "You might be doing it a little faster and more frantically rather than, like, let's draw this out. Let's make it enjoyable."

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3. Not Letting Your Partner Give It to You

Vanessa and Xander explore the reluctance some individuals have in both receiving and giving foreplay. They discuss societal pressures and personal insecurities that prevent partners from fully embracing or offering foreplay. Vanessa underscores the importance of mutual enjoyment, stating, "Your partner wants you to feel pleasure and we want you to feel good" (47:14).

Notable Quote:
Xander Marin (45:10): "I just want to be hard and, like, get to the intercourse… I ended up closing myself off from the possibility of having such a better time in our sex life."

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4. Not Giving Your Partner Feedback

Highlighting the influence of unrealistic portrayals of sex in media, the hosts emphasize the necessity of open communication. Vanessa points out that the "fucking fairy tale" has misled many, making them believe that perfect sexual chemistry requires no feedback. She encourages couples to "share feedback with your partner" to ensure both partners' needs and desires are met (54:11).

Notable Quote:
Vanessa Marin (52:31): "The answer is supposed to be yes. So if anybody asks me was it good for me, I have to say yes."

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5. Not Enjoying Foreplay Enough

Despite its potential for enhancing pleasure, many find foreplay unfulfilling or routine. Vanessa and Xander discuss ways to rekindle excitement, such as trying new techniques and maintaining a positive attitude. Vanessa advises, "Foreplay is not just about technique; it's about the technique combined with communication" (61:28), urging listeners to view foreplay as a continuous learning experience.

Notable Quote:
Xander Marin (60:00): "Foreplay isn’t something that we have to learn. We have to learn the techniques and we have to learn which of those techniques are actually super enjoyable for our partner."

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Key Insights and Recommendations

• Redefining Foreplay: Shift the perception of foreplay from a mere prelude to an integral part of sexual intimacy that can independently provide immense pleasure and connection.

• Extended Foreplay: Incorporate foreplay throughout the sexual encounter, not just at the beginning, to maintain and elevate arousal levels for both partners.

• Mutual Participation: Encourage both partners to actively give and receive foreplay, overcoming societal norms and personal insecurities that hinder this balance.

• Effective Communication: Foster an environment where honest feedback about sexual preferences and desires is normalized, moving away from unrealistic expectations set by media portrayals.

• Enhancing Enjoyment: Continuously explore and experiment with new foreplay techniques, keeping the experience fresh and enjoyable to prevent it from becoming mundane.

Conclusion

Vanessa and Xander Marin provide a comprehensive exploration of foreplay, debunking five significant myths that hinder sexual satisfaction. By advocating for a respectful, communicative, and explorative approach to foreplay, they offer valuable guidance for couples seeking to deepen their intimacy and enhance their sexual experiences. Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own practices, utilize the techniques discussed, and consider the hosts' foreplay guides to transform their relationships.

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Notable Resources Mentioned:

• Ultimate Foreplay Guides: A comprehensive resource offering step-by-step instructions and techniques to improve foreplay (07:00).
• Get Comfortable Receiving Foreplay Masterclass: A specialized course designed to help individuals, particularly women, become more comfortable and enjoy receiving foreplay (05:44).
• Foreplay Cheat Code Worksheet: A tool to help uncover each partner's unique foreplay preferences and needs (06:08).

For more information and to access these resources, listeners are directed to vmtherapy.com/foreplay.

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Note: Timestamps correspond to the original podcast transcript for reference.

Transcript

[Xander Marin]

Everybody, regardless of gender, wants more of this.

[Vanessa Marin]

So today we are breaking down the five things that we are all getting wrong about foreplay. How to have more of it, and how to make it so much better.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

[Xander Marin]

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

[Vanessa Marin]

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.

Since the beginning of the year, we have welcomed so many new people into our community. So if you are new. Hello and welcome.

Welcome.

That is really creepy.

Nobody's gonna wanna.

[Xander Marin]

It made more sense.

[Vanessa Marin]

Nobody's gonna wanna watch.

[Xander Marin]

It made more sense if you were watching on YouTube because I went on.

Hi.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, I think it was worse on YouTube. I hope this is not your first episode of Pillow Talks.

[Xander Marin]

Hi, I'm Xander. I don't usually talk in that voice. In fact, I don't ever talk in that voice except in that moment when the notion struck me.

[Vanessa Marin]

So over the last two weeks, we have been resharing a couple of our most popular ep and if you are a Pillow Talks og, we love you as well. And I think that it's still really beneficial to re listen to these episodes because they. We released them originally, like so long ago. I am sure you've forgotten most of the advice. And sometimes, just like we need a couple of times to hear something before it really sinks in for us or we hear something new in the that we didn't hear the original time.

[Xander Marin]

I think that's the big one. Like, I. I love rereading my favorite books and I feel like each time I get something different out of it.

[Vanessa Marin]

So.

So today's episode is one of the topics that I think as a business.

We are the most known for.

[Xander Marin]

Blowjobs.

[Vanessa Marin]

Not just blow jobs. Foreplay.

[Xander Marin]

Foreplay.

[Vanessa Marin]

Foreplay.

[Xander Marin]

Foreplay.

[Vanessa Marin]

But little secret, we actually hate the word foreplay. Cause I think that word implies that.

These are the things you do before.

The main event where we paint intercourse as the main event and it's just not. Foreplay can be the main event. Foreplay, especially for women, can be the best way. Yeah, Way more pleasurable. So anyways, like, about two years ago, we initially dropped what basically became a little Masterclass on one of the most overlooked but essential parts of intimacy foreplay. It is called the Foreplay Episode, the.

Five Things we are All Getting Wrong.

And it is packed with our best tips on how to bring more pleasure, connection and a little spice back into your relationship.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, and so this original episode was inspired by our ultimate foreplay guides, which I think it was back then and it still definitely is now. It is our best selling guide and ultimate foreplay guides include step by step instructions in both written and audio format on how to do all the foreplay, how to give an amazing blow job, how to give great hand jobs, how to go down on a vulva, how to finger a vulva. There's over a hundred different techniques to give your partner maximum pleasure and to receive maximum pleasure yourself. We tell you about all the exact spots that you need to hit for the best results. We even give you a variety of positions to engage in your foreplay in so that you can keep things fresh and exciting or just switch it up every now and then. There's also some really beautiful and honestly super tasteful illustrations and gifs that make it really easy to follow and literally show you exactly what to do. It was so important to us when we created these that they weren't cheesy or like, look like porny, if that's even a word.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, they're very tasteful.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, they, they are very tasteful, but also very helpful, which is the reason why we added them. So, yeah, I mean really, they are the ultimate guide on what to do before, during and after orgasm for the experience that we're all looking for. Just that my soul left my body. I can't believe how good that was. That was the best I ever had. I didn't know that was possible. Because it is possible.

[Vanessa Marin]

So if you want to check out.

The ultimate foreplay guides, you will also get our foreplay bonus package for free.

[Xander Marin]

You'll get our big package.

[Vanessa Marin]

Our big package.

[Xander Marin]

So the first thing you get is what men and women secretly want out of foreplay. Or maybe I should say not so secretly anymore. Like, what we did to create this is we asked our people in our community, what do you secretly wish that the other gender knew about foreplay? And not only were the answers jaw dropping, but actually good news. They were really straightforward. They're really simple, easy to implement things. It's not like, oh, there's some big secret that you're actually doing wrong. It's like a lot of just little things that you can do that are going to make a Huge difference. So, yeah, it's so much easier to give your partner that experience that they've really been craving.

[Vanessa Marin]

Quite surprising things too.

It wasn't like, obvious stuff.

Like there were some really interesting.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, yeah, it's not obvious, but, like, surprisingly simple stuff where it's like, hey, you do a couple of these things and you might be surprised at what the results are.

[Vanessa Marin]

There's also the Get Comfortable Receiving foreplay masterclass. So this is specifically for women who struggle to receive pleasure from your partner. So if you feel like you're always an your head, you just can't allow yourself to be present in that moment. This is going to show you exactly how to get out of your head, drop into your body, be in the moment as your partner gives you all the time, attention, and effort that you deserve.

[Xander Marin]

We also have the foreplay cheat code worksheet, which is our no nonsense, foolproof way to uncover your partner's foreplay cheat code in just a couple of minutes. So we're talking all the details that you've never even thought of. We lay it all out there and help you guys figure out how to identify what it is that you are each looking for. So you're gonna never have to feel like you're fumbling around in the dark again. I know. I've definitely had that experience in the past. It's not fun. So, yeah, it just takes a couple of minutes and you will understand exactly.

[Vanessa Marin]

What your partner wants and solve all your foreplay frustrations. You will finally get the answers to all those questions that you have never seen answered anywhere.

Like super specific foreplay frustrations that have.

You convinced you're the only person in the world experiencing them.

So all four of those are totally free.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. So if you want all of that, all you have to do is go over to vmtherapy.comforeplay to pick up the foreplay guides. We'll also drop a link down in the show notes.

[Vanessa Marin]

So today's episode is obviously all about foreplay. We polled our Instagram audience and we found that 88% of men and 59% of women say they want more foreplay. But 67% of women said they feel too needy asking for it, 56% say they struggle to receive it, and 62% say that it feels awkward or boring.

[Xander Marin]

So I would venture a guess that far more than 59% of women actually want or need more foreplay. They just don't know it yet because they haven't had very good foreplay.

They.

They don't know exactly what techniques are going to like, really knock their socks off or they don't feel comfortable asking for it or they feel needy. So, I mean, probably Honestly, it's like 90% of people, almost everybody, regardless of gender, wants more of this.

[Vanessa Marin]

So today we are breaking down the five things that we are all getting wrong about foreplay. How to have more of it, and how to make it so much better.

[Xander Marin]

But before we get into all of that, we gotta get into our review.

Of the week first.

So if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know, reviews are so, so important to us.

Whether it's a review of the podcast.

Itself or a review of one of our, like, the foreplay guides. So if you want to win, because we get, we pick a winner every week. If you hear your review read aloud, you've won. You've won a free masterclass. DM US @Vanessa and Xander on Instagram or email [e-mail] and if you want to leave a review, well, DM us.

Your review of one of our products.

Or leave us a review. Go to the Pillow Talks podcast page on Apple Podcasts. Scroll all the way to the bottom, you'll find the review section. Just leave a short review about how our podcast has changed your life. So this week's review, we are having conversations we never knew we could have. I cannot thank you enough for giving us the tools to talk about sex and intimacy. My husband and I have been together 30 plus years. One would think we had it all figured out, but boy, were we wrong. I have listened and followed you both for a while and finally bit the bullet and bought your best week ever and Sex Talks card deck. We are new empty nesters and have had a resurgence in our sex life and communication thanks to Vanessa and Xander. The questions and challenges encouraged us to become really vulnerable when it came to sex. I bought two more guides and we are excited to dig in and keep learning more about each other. Thank you.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh, that's such a great review.

[Xander Marin]

That is so sweet.

[Vanessa Marin]

We love hearing it. Okay, let's jump into the episode. So Mother's Day is right around the corner.

[Xander Marin]

It is.

[Vanessa Marin]

And I know what I'm getting for my mom.

Some Cozy Earth.

Because my mom is a cozy, cozy lady.

[Xander Marin]

I hope she doesn't listen to this podcast because then she'll know what she's getting.

[Vanessa Marin]

So if you haven't heard of Cozy.

Earth before, they make the softest, most luxurious linens, bedding and clothing too.

Cozy Earth acknowledges that motherhood looks different for everyone.

So whether you're celebrating a mom, remembering one, longing to be one, or navigating navigating motherhood in an unexpected way, moms deserve the best. Cozy Earth creates comfort that feels like home because home feels like mom.

We have Cozy Earth sheet sets, we.

Have towels, and we have a lot.

Of their clothing, including their pajamas.

And it's seriously the softest, butteriest drape.

Iest, like nicest stuff that you will ever experience and it makes a really great gift.

So, so definitely recommend checking it out. To celebrate moms everywhere. Cozy Earth has an extra special deal this weekend only. Cozy Earth is giving our listeners a special promo. Buy one get one free bamboo pajamas. Use Code Pillow talks to take advantage of this.

She deserves the best.

So like most people, I have occasional sleep issues and I think there are very few things in life more frustrating than not getting a good night's sleep. Like, sleep is everything it impacts so much. So when I found Beam's Dream powder, let me tell you, it changed everything. Dream is an all natural sleep blend with science backed ingredients like reishi, magnesium, L theanine, epigenin and melatonin. It's designed to help you fall asleep, stay asleep and wake up refreshed. And unlike other sleep aids, there's no next day grogginess, just real deep sleep that helps you actually feel good in morning. Plus, dream tastes incredible. We have the like cinnamon cocoa flavor. It's so tasty and I'm not even a chocolate flavored beverage kind of per like I don't like hot chocolate, but I think now you do. Yeah, Dream tastes great and it's just like a fun little part of my nightly routine.

[Xander Marin]

It's also super fun to use little frother.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh my God, the frothers. Fun. Yeah. Beam has improved over 6 17.5 million nights of sleep and 92% of users surveyed reported better sleep and waking up refreshed. And for a limited time, BEAM is giving our listeners their best offer yet, up to 40% off. Try their best selling Dream powder and get up to 40% off. For a limited time, go to shopbeam.com pillow and use code PILLOW at checkout. That's shop b e a m.com/pillow and use code PILLow for up to 40% off.

So let's go back to foreplay. Foreplay. I really want people to give it the respect that it deserves because there's so many incredible things about it for most people. Like they're going to have their fastest, their best, their most powerful orgasms from Foreplay. Foreplay is a great way to shake things up in the bedroom, to, like, keep it spicy, keep you guys on your toes. Try something a little bit different. It's incredibly intimate. For a lot of people, like, foreplay feels more intimate than intercourse and it's just like so much fun to explore with your partner. So today's episode is all about the things that we are getting wrong about foreplay. The ways that we are overlooking it and just not giving it the respect it deserves and depriving ourselves of the pleasure, enjoyment, and connection that we all could be having. So let's get into the foreplay conversation and first we just want to give a little bit of a disclaimer that we're going to be speaking a bit more to male female couples in this episode. Like, we try to make all of our content as inclusive as possible. That's one of our core company values. But let's be real. Same sex couples tend to have a much healthier view of foreplay.

[Xander Marin]

They sure do.

[Vanessa Marin]

Much healthier views.

[Xander Marin]

They sure do. We could learn a thing or two about that.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh, absolutely. And that's because, you know, a lot of same sex couples don't have any sort of penetration, like, you know, any sort of intercourse, like, penetration in their sex life. Some do, which is awesome, but a lot don't. And so sometimes when we ask questions about foreplay on Instagram, we'll get responses from our queer community members saying things like, well, we don't look at this as foreplay. Like, the things that we do before we move on, like, this is what we do.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, it's, it's just sex and just sex. And I think, yeah, very often, you know, outside of male, female relationships, you know, before you have sex with someone, it is much more common to just have a straight up conversation where it's like, hey, what does sex look like for you? What do you love? Like, what do you like? What do you dislike? What do you prefer? Rather than there just being this, like, no talking and just assumption that, okay, yeah, we're going for intercourse and that's going to do it for both of us. Instead it's like, hey, what do you like? Like, I want to make you feel good. I want you to make me feel good. So let's like give each other the information that we need to make that happen and then they do it and everyone is really happy. So I think that very often, you know, people in, you know, non male female relationships often have a lot better sex because they're getting the things that they really like. And, you know, and it's also, it's a big turn on to see the person that you are having sex with really enjoying themselves. And it's a big turn on for them to see you enjoying yourself. It's kind of this like, win, win, win situation.

[Vanessa Marin]

Again, research backs this up too. We'll get a little bit more into this later in the episode. But research shows that same sex couples have more orgasms, report more pleasure, more overall satisfaction than male female couples. Okay, so let's get into it. The number one thing that we are all getting wrong about foreplay is that we're treating it like this, this unnecessary extra. And so I talked about this a little bit just a minute ago. Like at the beginning of a sexual relationship, there's this excitement about doing all these different things with each other. And like, there's just that sense of first, like, oh, your first kiss with somebody, the first time you guys touched each other, the first time you went down on each other, there's this excitement about all of these activities. But then once we start having intercourse, like, that becomes the focus. And what I've really noticed as a sex therapist is that as couples progress in a relationship, like the more time goes on, the narrower their definition of sex becomes. To the point where it's like 30 seconds of maybe some like half assed kissing, maybe a quick little fondle, and then they're going on to the intercourse.

[Xander Marin]

We've been there in our relationship.

[Vanessa Marin]

We've been there for sure. Yeah. We have gone through this exact same dynamic. And whenever I share this with people, it's like it kind of catches them by surprise and they're like, oh my God. Yeah, that is exactly what my sex life looks like. No wonder. Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Have you been watching?

[Vanessa Marin]

I'm like, no wonder it's not feeling exciting. No wonder I'm not craving it because it's so predictable, it's so narrow. Like, as you're listening to this, just take a second to think, like, script out what sex looks like between you and your partner. I bet that you could write out like, exactly, step by step what it looks like. And so when you have that, it just starts to feel very predictable, very routine and just unexciting. All this emphasis on intercourse, on like getting to the intercourse as quickly as we can. It's not actually serving any of us.

[Xander Marin]

And so when all this emphasis is on getting to the intercourse, like, of course the foreplay feels like this extra thing, like, oh, like, why do I have to do, like, I just, I Just want to get to the intercourse. Like, do I really need to do this thing that I used to do? Maybe before we were having intercourse, but now that we're having intercourse, like, who needs it?

[Vanessa Marin]

And I think there's also this added pressure that a lot of us feel of, like, intercourse should be enough. Like, we should just be satisfied and turned on and pleased just by the intercourse. And so there can be this dynamic that comes up where we start to feel needy or complicated or too much if we want foreplay or if we want more foreplay. So we actually polled our Instagram community about this, and, Xander, why don't you tell us what the results were?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Well, 67% of women, 2 thirds, said that they do feel needy for wanting foreplay.

[Vanessa Marin]

That's wild.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

So two in every three women.

[Xander Marin]

Yep.

[Vanessa Marin]

Feels needy for wanting foreplay.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. You want to guess what the number was for men?

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, it's sitting right in front.

[Xander Marin]

Of me, but I'm speaking rhetorically to the audience. I mean. Yeah. What do you think it is for men? 33%. One in three men feel needy for. For wanting or, you know, needy or complicated for wanting foreplay. So double the women as men feel.

[Vanessa Marin]

This way, but still a pretty significant number for men, too. Like. Yeah, I think that we, you know, we. Obviously, men and women face different pressures when it comes to sex, and a lot of men feel this pressure that they should just be automatically ready and good to go. Like, hard, the. At the drop of a hat. I don't know what that would even mean. Like, hard right away.

[Xander Marin]

Drop your hat, get hard.

[Vanessa Marin]

Drop your hat and get hard. Drop your hat, drop your pants, and get hard. But, you know, so there are a lot of men out there. Like, one in three. That's not insignificant.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, I've been in that group group for before. I've definitely been in that group. Like, in the. In the course of our marriage, like, there have been there. You know, there was a time where. Yeah. Like, I didn't feel comfortable asking. Like, it kind of felt like. It kind of felt like, okay, well, if. If you were just gonna give me a blowjob to completion, then, sure, that's fine. That's like a different thing. But, like, if to ask for foreplay when, like, we're trying to have intercourse just felt like, oh, like that. That's too much. She's not going to want to give it to me. She knows she what? You know, oh, like, I'm gonna take too long to get hard. Or, like, oh, like, she must be Tired. She, you know, I, I, it was just, yeah, so hard for me. You know, I felt like, God, like, I just want to be hard and, like, get to the intercourse. And, you know, I ended up closing myself off from the possibility of having such a better time in our sex life because the reality is we both like making each other feel good. And I just had it in my head that you didn't really like it that much or that I shouldn't really need it. And it was just all these stories.

[Vanessa Marin]

We'll get actually more into that topic in a minute.

[Xander Marin]

I won't tell the whole story. Okay, let's keep going.

[Vanessa Marin]

So here's what we want you to understand. If you're listening to this and realizing, like, ooh, yeah, I've kind of fallen into that trap of treating foreplay as this unnecessary extra foreplay is not a nice to have kind of thing. Foreplay is essential, and this is true for people of all genders. But I want to take a couple of moments just to talk a little bit about how essential foreplay is for CIS women, in particular for us vulva owners. So what we need to understand is that for a vulva, clitoral stimulation is the key to experiencing pleasure and orgasm. The clitoris is the biological equivalent of the penis. And nobody is shocked when a man wants penile stimulation to reach orgasm, right? It's like, oh, yeah, no, that's how it works. And yet we treat the clitoris as if it's this weird, complicated, mysterious, difficult thing. Some similar vibes with foreplay. It's like, oh, why do we have to do all of that? Why do we have to touch that thing? But it, it is the equivalent of the penis. So imagine treating a man in this way of saying, like, ooh, why do you need your penis touched? To have a, like, that's too much. That's unnecessary.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I just want to rub your balls a little.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, that's the comparison that I make all the time. It's like, from a nerve ending standpoint, intercourse for a woman is like playing with a man's balls. Like, it might feel good, it could be enjoyable. It could feel connecting.

[Xander Marin]

It's only going to get you partway there.

[Vanessa Marin]

For the vast majority of people, it is not anywhere near enough stimulation to lead to orgasm. So, yeah, the issue with intercourse for us women is, is that it doesn't create a ton of clitoral stimulation on its own, because you're not really in the same area. Like, you're putting the penis into the vagina. The Clitoris is. It's close, but it's not the vagina. So we're getting stimulation of a part of our body that isn't actually wired to feel a ton of pleasure. And the place that is the most sensitive part of our body is very often getting neglected. So it should come as no surprise that 91% of women say that they prefer a different activity over intercourse.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I mean, I was. I was just thinking about this as. As you were describing all this, and, like, yeah, it's just. It. It's so unfair. Like, I think women especially have really been cheated in the way that we tend to look at sex in our. In our society, where it's like, you know, as. You know, as we are starting to become more sexual, it's like, okay, yeah, we. We start going. Working our way through these foreplay activities, typically, and then, you know, but we place all this pressure on, like, losing your virginity, having intercourse, or it's like, oh, I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna wait until I'm in a serious relationship. I'm gonna wait until I'm married. I'm gonna wait until I'm this old or whatever. And, you know, very often I feel like what is, you know, tends to be fairly common is it's like, okay, well, like, I'm gonna wait until XYZ to do the intercourse. And, you know, in that, you know, in the meantime, like, I'm gonna be doing these foreplay things. And, like, you know, so we start doing those things, and we're actually doing the things that tend to be the most pleasurable for us. And then at some point, we add intercourse in. And then all of a sudden, it's like we've moved away from doing the things that really work and are doing this thing that can be nice for a vulva owner but is not. Like, not nearly as good as what you were doing before. And, like, I can just imagine how challenging that is where it's like, you've built it. Everyone builds it up as, like, oh, yeah, intercourse is the be all, end all. And then you're like, wait, I'm doing this. And it's like, not as good as the other stuff I know that we were doing before. And somehow. But, like, asking to go back to that stuff is like. Is like, oh, well, that. That's extra.

It's.

That's lesser than. And it's just like, God, that. That's such a tough spot to be in. Like, I just wish as a society we could talk about sex differently and not like, you know, have intercourse, like, on this pedestal. It's like. It's like, man. Like, oral sex and manual sex for, you know, for women is, like, definitely should be higher than intercourse. Like, that's, like, the thing that's gonna do it for you.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, exactly. Like, that's why we are making this episode so we can talk more openly about foreplay, help people realize, like, the misconceptions we have about it and that the way we are approaching it is really hurting all of us. So foreplay is not an unnecessary extra. It is essential. It should be a much more prominent part of everybody's sex life. And we shouldn't feel like anything is wrong with us for needing it more often. And us women in particular should not feel needy or complicated or asking too much for wanting the activities that are most, most stimulating for our bodies. So let's go to number two. The number two thing that we are all getting wrong about foreplay. We are only doing it at the beginning of sex. So like we talked about earlier, for most couples, what foreplay looks like is like 30 to 60 seconds of groping and fumbling before you're then trying to get it in.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. It's like, okay, let's get the penis hard. Let's get the vulva wet. That then we're good to move on.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, we're treating it as, like, a means to an end. Like, the foreplay itself is not enjoyable. It's just serving a purpose. Like, oh, okay, gotta get him hard or gotta get her wet. That type of thing. And, you know, like we mentioned already, like, even that word foreplay leads into this belief too. Like, foreplay, the things you do before you move into having the real sex. And the problem, of course, with treating foreplay like this is that it makes it feel perfunctory and not at all pleasurable. Like, if you're doing it just to serve a purpose, not for pleasure and connection and enjoyment, like, it's not gonna be fun experience.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. And of course, like, that whole vibe makes it really hard to kind of settle in and actually enjoy it. I know, for me, when we looked at it that way in our relationship, instead of me actually enjoying, you know, you touching me or, you know, you going down on me, I would be thinking, all right, am I hard? Am I hard enough yet? Am I hard enough yet? Oh, why? Why is it not happening? Like, why is it not immediate? Like, oh, this is, you know, oh, I wonder if she's thinking I'm taking too long instead of just sitting back and enjoying it. And I remember sometimes, like, you know, I. I would be like, oh. Like, you know, I. This isn't. It's not going as fast as I want it to. And you'd be like, babe, it's been like, 30 seconds.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, that's one of the most important things. I'm so glad you brought that up. Like, so many of us struggle with this feeling of taking too much time, and we're kind of, like, spoiling each of our points as we go. They're all kind of interrelated. We're going to talk about this one next. But we are notoriously bad at predicting time. Like, if you ask a human, tell me when you think a minute has gone by and they're not allowed to look at a clock or a stopwatch or anything like that, most people say it's been a minute. I think it's like. Like 15 to 23 seconds. Like, it's very fast. So this dynamic can creep in in a lot of different ways. Like, if you're on the receiving end of foreplay, like Xander was just saying, like, you might get in your head thinking, like, oh, my partner's not liking this. I've got to hurry it up. Why am I not reacting quickly enough? You could also notice if your partner is the one in those vibes. Like, if you can tell your partner's just like, ugh, I don't want to be doing this, but he's not hard, hard. I gotta get him hard. Like, of course that's not going to be enjoyable for you. And then if you're the one giving the foreplay and you think, like, okay, my only task is, like, get them hard as quickly as I can. Like, you're gonna approach it in a way that doesn't feel fun for you.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, you might be doing it a little, like, faster and more frantically rather than, like, let's draw this out. Let's make it enjoyable. I think, like, yeah, if you were to actually plot the curve of, like, enjoyable foreplay, it's, like, probably, like, slow and teasing at first and, like, building, like, you know, a slow crescendo rather than this, like, fast and furious.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Type of thing.

[Vanessa Marin]

It just ruins the vibes all around. Like, you don't get to enjoy receiving it. It feels like your partner doesn't really care. You don't get to enjoy giving it as well. It just. It ruins everything. And there's even this other issue that gets wrapped up into it, too. So, Xander, I'm going to turn this over to you to ask it so this is a question that we get asked all the time. Like, why is he losing his erection when he's going down on me? Like, he must not like it. Or sometimes people will just say, like, oh, well, we just don't do foreplay at all or for very long because he loses his erection. So what's the deal with erections and giving foreplay? Should we be expecting that dudes are just hard all the time.

[Xander Marin]

All right, so first I'll answer that question and then I'll talk a little bit more about just what this feeling or vibe is overall. Well, the simple answer is no. Like if you, if you, as a penis owner, if you, if you get hard and then you start, you know, giving foreplay to your partner, if you are not being stimulated, like you are not going to maintain that erection for very long. In general, like once you get hard, like you need constant stimulation in order to stay hard. It's, I mean, you know, similarly like for a vulva owner, if you, you know, like if you get that vulva close to having an orgasm and then you stop giving it stimulation for five minutes and then you start again, it's not like it's, it's not like you're gonna have an orgasm in five seconds. Like you don't start from, you know, where you left off.

[Vanessa Marin]

Like, you know, yeah, your arousal starts.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, your arousal starts to decrease. And so, so first of all, I just want to say it is totally normal that if you had a hard, if you were hard and you start going down on someone without receiving any other stimulation, you are not going to stay hard for very long. Now the issue is that most people look at that and go, oh, well, that's unacceptable.

[Vanessa Marin]

Well, I think the fear that comes up for a lot of women is, oh, he's not enjoying it because he's not hard. Yeah, he doesn't think it's a turn on.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, yeah, for sure. So I think it's important to kind of draw a distinction between like, you know, you can be turned on and, but not like rock hard. Like I think that that's sort of the key. Like you are going to be rock hard if you are turned on and being stimulated.

[Vanessa Marin]

Like you can even some of the times. Yeah, still might not be, but.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I think that is the best recipe. Yes. For, for that. But I think the reality is that, yeah, like, you know, foreplay is a generally one sided thing. Like one partner is giving a lot of stimulation to the other partner. Now that can be a huge turn on for Both partners, like, it's a turn on for me when I see Vanessa enjoying herself, but I'm still not being like, super stimulated. And so, you know, it is very rare that I have like a raging boner if I'm going down on Vanessa for very long.

[Vanessa Marin]

And even sometimes, like the position of it, I mean, one of the classic positions that men go down on women is like the guys on his stomach. It's like you're, you know, it's kind of hard to like get hard and stay super hard if you're like pressed into the bed. So the bottom line is that as women, we should not be self conscious about our partner not enjoying it if he doesn't have an erection.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. And then I think, you know, to all the guys out there, all the, all the penis owners that, you know, feel stressed out about the this, I just want to say I used to get super stressed out about this. I used to feel like I had one shot to get hard. Once it was hard. Like, that was, that was the only chance I had to have intercourse, which was the only chance I had to make you feel pleased with the sexual interaction. And so, you know, if, when we were getting started having sex, like, you know, if you were, if you were to ask me to go down on you and I was already hard, I would be really hesitant to do that. Or I would do it for like 10 seconds and be like, no, like, I'm hard. Like, let's do this. But what I want to say is that you are giving foreplay. Your partner can also give foreplay to you. So, you know, why don't, you know, please your partner enjoy going down on them and then, you know, once you are done with that, you can ask your partner to go down on you and get you hard. And you know, it's. I think that, you know, we can get really in our heads about like, oh, well, like, I lost an erection. It's harder to get an erection after I've already lost it. Here's the thing, it is harder to get an erection after you've already lost an erection. If all you are thinking about in your head is, oh, my God, I lost an erection, I lost an erection. If instead in your head you're like, hey, I was super turned on because I was being stimulated. Now I'm not being stimulated. So yeah, it's not super hard anymore. Oh, okay. So I'm going to ask my partner to go down on me and I'm going to enjoy this because I just went down on my partner and they enjoyed themselves. So I'm going to get, you know.

[Vanessa Marin]

A turn to enjoy myself fired up over here.

[Xander Marin]

I think if that's your perspective on it, then all of a sudden you're, like, relaxed. You're enjoying yourself rather than being in your head, like, oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I lost my erection. That was my one chance to please her. I. I just think it's like, you just need to do that mental reframe. And it's hard. Of course it's hard, because we've been socialized to think that that's not how it goes. So I think it just takes a lot of practice. Like, just try to relax. Try to relax and enjoy receiving and see how that goes.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay. Thank you for that little moment of Xander's boner coaching.

[Xander Marin]

Wow.

[Vanessa Marin]

Let's continue with more of what you need to know.

[Xander Marin]

I don't know about. I don't know how I like that. Xander. Boner coach. God.

[Vanessa Marin]

Regular dude and certified boner coach.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, God. You know what? In, like, a weird, cynical way, I could. I could. Could see that, like, absolutely killing on Instagram.

[Vanessa Marin]

You want to start your own account? Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Like, boner coach. Like, yeah. If you just want to shamelessly get into the boner coaching business, I bet that could work. I bet there's something.

[Vanessa Marin]

Hold on.

And then you could call. You know how, like, how big accounts have, like, names for their community or their followers. Boner Bros. Oh, yeah. Bone Bros. Boner Bros.

Okay, so if you.

If you are only doing foreplay at the beginning of seven Sex, here's what we want you to do instead. Truly treat foreplay as its own unique experience. Give it the respect that it deserves. Like, it's not this quick means to an end. Like, it is. It's the journey, man. Like, it's enjoyable in and of itself, and it can bring you so, so, so much more pleasure than it might currently be bringing you. Of course, like, have a good attitude with foreplay. That's one of the things that we share in our foreplay guides. Like, attitude is everything when it comes to foreplay.

I personally think, like, you could have.

The best technique in the world, but if your partner can tell you are not wanting to be doing that in that moment, like, it's not going to be a good experience. I don't care what technique you're using. And I think also, like, you could have, like, so, so technique. Mediocre technique, but a really good attitude.

[Xander Marin]

Absolutely.

[Vanessa Marin]

And give your partner a phenomenal experience.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. So attitude is everything. Have a Good attitude. Like, truly, if your partner can tell that you are enjoying yourself, like, that's going to make the experience so much better for both of you.

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[Xander Marin]

You want a five minute meal, they'll give you a five minute meal.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

Like very, very quick, but with high quality ingredients. They use so many products that we buy on our own, like just on a regular basis.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, a lot of prepackaged products that you can throw together. We would have never thought to throw.

It together that way.

It's all stuff that we would have bought and then we would have like made a whole meal that would have taken half an hour to cook. And Hungryroot's like, oh, no. Just throw these, these three or four things together and in five minutes, boom. I was like, oh, my God. I've been wasting so much time using these ingredients and cooking in a way that takes so long. And then the Hungry root version tasted better.

[Vanessa Marin]

But it's not just that. You can also get groceries. You can get snacks. There's so much in there. And they make it really easy for you to personalize your cart. You can tell them your dietary restrictions, your preferences. They've got a great. Whatever algorithm they're using, works really well to try. Just come up with a cart for you. It's seriously so incredible. We love Hungryroot and they have an amazing offer for you. For a limited time, you can get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box for life. That's wild. Go to hungryroot.compillow and use code PILLOW. That's hungryroot.compillow code PILLOW to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice. Choice for Life. Hungryroot.com Pillow Code Pillow. This episode of Pillow Talks is brought to you by Alloy Women's Health. Menopause is inevitable, but it's also treatable. I just found out that almost half of women went three years or more before seeking relief from menopause or perimenopausal symptoms. Why would we do that to ourselves? Alloy can help you live your best, healthiest life through menopause and beyond, offering unlimited access to experts and safe science backed treatments for your symptoms delivered straight to your door. Everything is done from the comfort of your home. No waiting for an appointment or in line at the pharmacy. So it's very simple. Here's how it works. You complete an intake. All of their solutions are available for prescription. So you'll complete this short medical questionnaire and a patient verification. Then you design your treatment plan plan with a menopause trained physician. They gave you a personalized treatment plan tailored to your specific needs. And then once approved, you get a three month supply of your prescription directly to your door with automatic refills. I am not at the point of menopause or perimenopause just yet, but I am starting to really educate myself about it because I know it's obviously coming and I'm really grateful to be finding great resources like Alloy that I can recommend to our community and that I can also so turn to myself when that time comes. I cannot recommend aloe enough. Join the 95% of women who tried aloe and saw relief in the first two weeks. Head to myalloid.com pillow and tell them all about your symptoms and you'll get a fully customized treatment plan and you'll get $20 off your first order today. Head to my a l l o y.com pillow and enter code pillow to get $20 off your first order.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, so we've been, you know, so this, this whole category was you, you shouldn't only be doing it at the beginning of sex. So what do you actually do? I mean, I think there's two options. The first is that sometimes sex can just be foreplay activities. But if you do want to be having intercourse, I think so many of us limit ourselves thinking, oh, once we start the intercourse, we can't do foreplay anymore. But the reality is you can take a break, you can switch back. I think some people get in their heads about bodily fluids. Bodily fluids are bodily fluids. Like it's part of sex. Like if, you know, if you can get into the headspace of like, hey, this is fun and sexy. It is so great to just take a break, do some oral do some manual, switch it up. It can be a great thing, especially for penis owners out there that have a little anxiety about how fast they come. It can be a great way to get really excited having intercourse. Get yourself right to the edge, stop, go down on your partner, do some foreplay, get, you know, give that, give your penis a little break. I, that can really do wonders. That can really kind of like flip a switch and really up level your entire sexual experience. I think so that I always encourage people to do that. It's not a, it's not a one way street. Like, oh, once we've passed that, there's no going back.

[Vanessa Marin]

Let's move on to number three. You're not letting your partner give it to you. So we started talking about this a little bit like the struggles with receiving that so many of us have. We pulled this on Instagram and 56% of women, so more than half of women say that they struggle to receive foreplay. We also pulled men and only 20% of men said that they did. So this is another example of like, like the differences between men and women are huge. 56 to 20%. But still 20% is not insignificant.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, one in five. That's still, you know, like a lot of men felt, yeah, like if you've had five partners, one of them has felt this way.

[Vanessa Marin]

So we asked on Instagram, like, why does it feel challenging for you to receive? Like what's getting in your way? And some of the most common beliefs that came up were, I think my partner doesn't enjoy it. I worry that I take too long or take too much effort.

[Xander Marin]

We talked about that.

[Vanessa Marin]

Already self conscious about my body or my genitals. That is one that comes up in particular for, I mean all these come up more for women than for men, but like especially the self consciousness about our bodies.

[Xander Marin]

We've also had so many men who tell us that they have been with women who have refused to let them or encourage them not to perform oral or not to perform very much oral, that now they feel like, oh well, I'm not really even going to try. I've had so many experiences of trying to give and be, you know, have been pushed away or told, like I don't really want that, that now they feel like, oh well, like I'm, I'm doing my partner. Like I'm doing women a favor by, by not offering, by not going down on them. And you know, I, I've definitely had this experience too, like, you know, in, in my own past of like, you know, of like, oh, like, you do it for like, 20 seconds or something, and then it's like, all right, like, come back here. And so, yeah, you kind of take away that. It's like, like, you know, oh, like, most people, like, don't really want you to spend very much time doing this. And that just reinforces that idea of, oh, yeah. Well, I guess intercourse must really be the thing that everyone is trying to get to. And it's like, you know, it's like we're playing with half a deck of cards. Like, you know, like, our partners are trying to move us along because they're not feeling very comfortable with it. What we take away from it is, oh, yeah, okay. Intercourse must ruin be, you know, just like everyone says, I guess I'd better move along. I guess I'd better stop doing this or really reduce the amount that I do it or the amount of time that I do it for.

[Vanessa Marin]

And, I mean, this can even have happened in your own relationship, too. Like, maybe at the beginning of the relationship, your partner was trying to go down on you a lot, and you kept saying no or only letting them do it for 10 seconds. Yeah, I think that's not trying.

[Xander Marin]

That's super common at the beginning of a new relationship where it's like, you know, like, you're trying to really click. And so I think, you know, in a male, female, new relationship, it can, you know, really be, like, for the guy, he's like, hell, yeah, I want to give. Like, let's do this. And she's like, oh, like, I really want us to click. I don't want to seem complicated. I don't want to, like, make him have to do that. Like, let's just move it along to intercourse, because that's, like, that's what we're supposed to be doing anyway. And so it's like, you're. You both have these, like, I don't know, good intentions, I guess, like, wanting it to click. Like, sure, that's a good intention. It's often. But, you know, doing it by, like, sacrificing what it is that you actually want, that's not the right way to do it, you know, so it's like, you know, your partner had a good intention, you had a good intention of, like, wanting to be giving, and then the message you receive is, oh, okay, maybe. Maybe I shouldn't do that.

[Vanessa Marin]

And, yeah, I mean, it's a prime example of why, you know, a lack of communication about sex can lead to so many misunderstandings. Like, your partner might be over there thinking, like, yeah, this is what my partner wants, like to not even offer. It just stresses them out when I offer. And you're over here thinking like, God, my partner, like really doesn't ever want to give to me. So now I'm going to feel self conscious about receiving. It just turns into this huge mess.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. And I feel like you've had so many clients, you know, back in your one on one practice where it'd be like, you know, you multiple years in, you got to this impasse and there's like all this resentment built up like, oh, like, how come he never goes down on me? And then you start getting into this, the history of it, and it's like, oh, there's actually a really clear reason why this happens. It's sort of this dynamic that both of you, you know, inadvertently created and then created all these stories about that built and built over the years. And now it feels like this big heavy thing when in reality, like you both kind of played a part from the very beginning.

[Vanessa Marin]

So here's what we want you to know. Your partner wants to give you foreplay. Like your partner wants you to feel pleasure and we want you to feel good. They enjoy making you feel good and you deserve to receive. So the foreplay guys themselves do make receiving a lot easier because we teach you the most efficient and sexiest strategies for getting each other off and for being comfortable and enjoying yourself along the way. And this is the first of the brand new bonuses that we are adding like literally right now to the foreplay guide is a bonus. All about getting comfortable receiving.

[Xander Marin]

Because this is gonna be a real struggle.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh yeah. I mean, that was the original inspiration here. Like there were so many women messaging me, sharing with me all the different ways that it feels hard for them to receive. And I just like started popping off like I wanna do, you know, let me give them this tool and this resource and all that. So it's an entire bonus. Just about getting comfortable, receiving, allowing yourself to take in that pleasure. So one tip that I wanted to share here is that sex is not about giving each other exactly equal amounts of time or effort.

[Xander Marin]

I think a lot of us get in our heads about this.

[Vanessa Marin]

Exactly.

[Xander Marin]

Of like, oh, well, you know, when I give my partner a blowjob, he only takes a couple minutes to come and then, you know, and then he's going down on me and I have the stopwatch in my head of like, okay, well, it took him three minutes before he had an orgasm and now I'm like, okay, it's two minutes in and like, like I'm just Getting started up 2:30, like, oh, we're getting close to the cutoff. Hmm. I'm not sure I'm there yet. Okay, three minutes. Oh, God. This is.

[Vanessa Marin]

I like the play by play here.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, the play. No, I'm trying to, you know, make it a little more realistic.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, this is, this is the thing that makes women feel like we're too much. It's like, oh, well, he's easy. He's so fast. Like, so I'm only allowed to take up exactly as much time that he does as well.

[Xander Marin]

Let me let you in on a little secret, ladies. The reason why he's so fast is because. Because he has trained himself from the time he started masturbating as a teenager, most likely to be very fast. So it is not like he is easy, is that he has fine tuned his body to be very fast. And that's his. He did that, not you.

[Vanessa Marin]

Well, that's also a whole separate episode of like, things that we're doing wrong about masturbation.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh, yeah. That's a big one. So he's not thrilled about how quickly he takes. But anyways. Yeah. Like, what I was saying originally is sex is not about like that. We are only allowed to have exactly equal amounts of time or effort. So the comparison that came up for me is like, like, let's say I tell Xander like, hey, babe, I'm gonna cook dinner for you tonight. And then he comes into the kitchen and I just put this like half done meal in front of him and I tell him, like, well, you know, you cooked dinner last night and it only took you 30 minutes. So I only took 30 minutes this time. Time. It's like, no, no, that's not the point. Like, the point is to give each other this experience. The experience of having dinner made for you, not the experience of like exactly 30 minutes. So the next time that you find yourself in the moment feeling self conscious about how much time you're taking up, just imagine this dinner example. Laugh at the idea of like your partner serving you up this like half cooked pasta. Or like, like they leave all the vegetables on the stove top and you don't actually get anything on your plate. Like, that's. It's not the point.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. If you offer to make dinner for someone, it's like, hey, I want to make you dinner. And you choose the thing that you want to make and it takes as long as it takes. Like, it's. You want to give something.

[Vanessa Marin]

And the other thing I want to Say about struggling to receive is that if you struggle to receive in the bedroom, chances are that you also struggle to receive in other areas of your life. So by tackling this like, like, once you get comfortable receiving in the bedroom, you are going to feel comfortable receiving in every other area of your life. And that can make a massive impact. I mean, we talk a lot about how, you know, how we show up in the world affects how we show up during sex, and vice versa. Like, sex isn't this compartmentalized thing that happens in a vacuum. Like, these dynamics come up all over the place. So imagine how different your sex and your life could be if you got comfortable receiving. Okay, let's move into the number four thing that we are all getting wrong about foreplay. You are not giving your partner any feedback.

[Xander Marin]

Ooh, zing.

[Vanessa Marin]

So we have talked before about what we call the fucking fairy tale, which is like the fairy tale version of sex that we see on TV in the movies and in porn. And. And in that fucking fairy tale, like, literally think back to every sex scene you see on TV and in the movies. Like, you never see people giving each other feedback of, like, saying what they want or asking for something or even simple things. Like, could you go a little bit harder or a little bit to the left? Like, so it gives us this idea that if we're really compatible or if we're really great in bed, then we should just magically know how to please each other. Other without any communication or feedback whatsoever.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I mean, at best, all you ever see is like a, oh, was it good for you? And the answer is always yes.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. And you're. Yeah, I know, right?

[Xander Marin]

So, yeah. So then it's like what you got in your head is, oh, okay. Well, the answer is supposed to be yes. So if anybody asks me was it good for me, I have to say yes. And therefore, I can't give any feedback or possibly ask for anything else because now I've showed my partner that, well, whatever they just did, that was great for. For me.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. So as we've been having these conversations on Instagram over the last few weeks, like, we have gotten so many DMs from people complaining about their partner's technique. Like, things like, I hate how slobbery he gets during oral. She uses way too little pressure, and he's not even on my clit. And we were asking people, like, okay, have you told your partner this? Does your partner know this? And, like, nobody was sharing this feedback back. And I just think that's so unfortunate, like, to be in the moment, just not enjoying the experience, but also not willing to guide your partner to share. Like, obviously you're not going to say, hey, you really suck at that. Like, that's not the only way to give feedback. And of course that's not anything that we would ever recommend people do. But like, just to be not enjoying an experience and not saying anything, like, it just sucks.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I mean, and then also to be like, oh, like my partner sucks. And like, not being able to take any responsibility for, for your part in the situation too, of like, I'm not saying how, how would I expect my partner to get any better without having any knowledge that what they're doing isn't the right thing?

[Vanessa Marin]

And I think we've probably all had experiences of being on the other end of that where you're like, trying so hard to pleasure your partner, but you're not. Not sure if they're liking it or not, and they're just not giving you anything in return. Like, it's demoralizing. It really sucks. So here's what you need to know. The fucking fairy tale has lied to you. All those sex scenes you've seen on TV and in the movies are completely unrealistic. And it really is each of our responsibilities to share feedback with our partner. If you want to have a pleasurable experience with your partner, you need to be willing to tell your partner and talk to your partner, you know, through having that enjoyable experience. Like, your partner cannot be expected to be a mind reader inside or outside of the bedroom.

[Xander Marin]

And in our foreplay guides, we know how hard it is look like, let's just be real. It. It is challenging, it feels scary. It's anxiety provoking to think about, like, oh, now I have to give some feedback. Now I have to, to say something. So we designed the foreplay guides with feedback in mind, and we really tried to build the feedback process into the guides themselves. And that's because we show you a bunch of different techniques and then we talk about how to give each other feedback about those techniques. We talk about, you know, ways that you can vary a given technique. So it's like, hey, like what, what? Do you like this? This way? Do you like that way? Do you like this technique? Do you like that technique?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. I think the really important distinction here is that as you work your way through the foreplay guides, you are actually giving feedback about the guides, not about your partner.

[Xander Marin]

I think this is, this is so powerful because it's so hard for us to separate the two. And it's like you know, it's like, oh, hey, I don't love it when you, you know, I don't know, do this pressure. And it's like you're not actually telling the person, hey, you suck at this. But that's so often what we hear. The reality is it's like, hey, it's about the pressure. It's not about you.

[Vanessa Marin]

So you're getting all these new techniques to experiment with and this process for how you experiment with them and explore them. And so you're giving that feedback about that process. So it really, like, takes away so much of the vulnerability of the feedback. You're not having to worry about, like, your partner's feelings being hurt or your partner thinking they're doing this magical, secret technique on you that you actually really don't like. It's like you're just talking about the guide. So it just makes the whole process so much easier. I mean, I remember even when you and I were creating these guides and, like, experimenting with so many different techniques, like, I felt this freedom to share feedback with you in a way that I maybe never have before. And, like, I feel pretty confident giving you feedback. And, like, you know, we've worked so hard on our communication, but, like, just being able to talk about the guides and, like, separate. Separate, you know, what you're doing from the guides themselves, it just yet it opens something up for me, and I know that it can do that for other people, too.

[Xander Marin]

Also, if you are in the situation where you're just not enjoying what your partner does, like, the four play guides are going to teach you a ton of different new techniques. So I promise you, within all of the various techniques that we have, for each thing, like, there are going to be some things that you like, and all you need to do is say, hey, hey. This one, I love it.

[Vanessa Marin]

And also, I just want to quickly mention this is another area where we're creating a new bonus for it as well, because giving great feedback, like, it does require some amount of knowledge about your own body first, like, understanding, like, what feels good to me and what does good even feel like in my body? So there is another bonus all about how to orgasm from foreplay. So this is gonna be especially powerful for women. And again, just a bonus that's only going to be available during this brief time period. All right, and let's bring it on home with the number five thing that you are getting wrong about foreplay, which is that you are not enjoying it. Foreplay has the potential to create so much pleasure, but most of us Just are not enjoying it as much as we could be. So whether you're somebody who, who just straight up does not like it, maybe you don't feel comfortable giving it, maybe you don't like what your partner does, so receiving it doesn't feel very enjoyable. Or maybe you're somebody who, like, it's not awful, but it's not like feeling very exciting anymore. Maybe it started to feel very routine, very predictable. Like, we can all be enjoying foreplay so much more. Even if you are somebody that doesn't have any complaints, like, there are still new ways to enjoy foreplay even more. So this was another thing that we pulled over on Instagram and we actually asked it in this way. We said, do you feel like foreplay is boring or awkward or even just like, feels kind of forced? And 62% of women said that it does, and 33% of men do. We also ask, like, what are the reasons why you're not enjoying it? And we've covered so many of those already in this episode. Stuff like, you know, feeling like my partner doesn't actually like giving it to me, so it's not fun for me to. To receive. Feeling like it's just something that we do very quickly as this means to an end, before we move on. This discomfort with receiving, with just not allowing ourselves to, like, take in pleasure, you know, so many different things, so many different reasons can feed into it. But again, the bottom line is so many of us are just not having as much fun with foreplay as we could be having.

[Xander Marin]

So if you're not having as much fun as you would like to or as you think you might be able to with foreplay, I think this is what you really need to know. The first thing is the fucking fairy tale. It did it again. It lied to you. Like foreplay. It isn't this perfect or effortless thing. I know how attractive that idea can be that, like, oh, like, my partner's just gonna do it and know exactly how I want it. I'm never gonna need to say anything. It's just gonna be easy peasy, effortless. But the reality is that it's not like foreplay is something that, that we have to learn. We have to learn the techniques, and we have to learn which of those techniques are actually super enjoyable for our partner. Because there is no such thing as being universally good in bed. I think that we want to be good in bed. We really want to, like, just know how to please anybody. But the reality is it's not just about technique. It's about the technique combined with that communication. What does your body enjoy? You know, like, each time you start over with an new person, it doesn't matter what technique you already think you're really good at. You know, the technique is important, but what's more important is, is this new person going to enjoy, you know, which techniques are they going to enjoy? So it's just all about thinking, you know, looking at it from this, like, learning mindset. Like, the learning is never over. Each time you're with someone new, it's about figuring out which techniques they enjoy and, you know, in your current relationship, it's like, hey, what are some new techniques we can learn? Learn? What are places that we could get better at technique or better at communication or better at just figuring out what's going to bring us each the most pleasure?

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, so I want to offer a tip here to, like, make this feel a little bit more practical. Because of course, like, when we start.

Talking about, like, oh, yeah, just what do you like?

That question can feel very overwhelming.

So if you've ever been asked that question in the moment, like, what do you want?

Like, you've probably had the experience of feeling a little bit. Bit like deer in the headlights. Like, I. I don't know, like, what are my options? I don't know what to say. So we do not suggest using that question with your partner. Like, just don't ask them, what do you want? Or what do you like? It's too big of a question. So instead, we have a little technique that we call the compare and share, which is that you try out two different techniques and then ask your partner to tell you which one they liked best better. So this is a technique that you have to talk about ahead of time. You can't just really spring it on your partner in the moment because it might be a bit confusing. I mean, you can try, but we would suggest talking about it beforehand and.

Saying, yeah, let's try that out and.

See how that goes.

So try one thing for a minute.

Then try the second thing for a.

Minute and ask your partner, which one.

Did you like better? So this works really well for a couple of reasons. As the receiver, it just makes.

Makes the decision so much more clear. Like, you're not having to tell your partner, here's exactly what I need or exactly what I want.

Here's this itemized list of exactly how to pleasure me. It's like you're just picking from one of two options, which generally feels pretty straightforward. And then as the giver, like, you're getting really valuable information about what your partner likes. And you can, like, keep using this.

Technique to hone in on what seems.

To work the best for their part body.

All right, so that is all for today's episode.

[Xander Marin]

That was a good one.

[Vanessa Marin]

It was. Remember to check the show notes for links to grab your ultimate foreplay guides and get that bonus package before May 14th. And we will be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then.