Pillow Talks Podcast: EPISODE 207 – The Foreplay Episode: The 5 Things We’re All Getting Wrong (Re-air)
Released on May 8, 2025, by Vanessa & Xander Marin | QCODE

Introduction to Foreplay

In Episode 207 of Pillow Talks, hosts Vanessa and Xander Marin delve deep into the often misunderstood realm of foreplay. Vanessa, a seasoned sex therapist with two decades of experience, and Xander, her down-to-earth partner, aim to dismantle common misconceptions and provide actionable advice to enhance intimacy in relationships. This episode, a re-air of their popular discussion titled "The Foreplay Episode: The 5 Things We’re All Getting Wrong," offers insightful analysis backed by community feedback and their professional expertise.

1. Foreplay is Treated as an Unnecessary Extra

Vanessa kicks off the conversation by addressing the prevalent misconception that foreplay is merely a preliminary act before the "main event" of intercourse. She emphasizes, "Foreplay is essential, and this is true for people of all genders" (08:05), arguing that it should hold equal importance to other aspects of sexual intimacy. The hosts highlight how, over time, couples often narrow their sexual activities to quick, less satisfying interactions, neglecting the profound pleasure and connection that foreplay can offer.

Notable Quote:
Vanessa Marin (17:02): "Foreplay is not an unnecessary extra. It is essential, and this is true for people of all genders."

2. Foreplay is Only Done at the Beginning of Sex

The second misconception tackled is the limited scope of foreplay. Vanessa observes that foreplay is often rushed, serving merely as a setup for intercourse rather than being an ongoing, enjoyable component of sexual activity. She shares, "We are treating it like this, this unnecessary extra," illustrating how the brevity and purpose-driven approach diminish its potential for enhancing intimacy (17:55).

Notable Quote:
Xander Marin (28:58): "You might be doing it a little faster and more frantically rather than, like, let's draw this out. Let's make it enjoyable."

3. Not Letting Your Partner Give It to You

Vanessa and Xander explore the reluctance some individuals have in both receiving and giving foreplay. They discuss societal pressures and personal insecurities that prevent partners from fully embracing or offering foreplay. Vanessa underscores the importance of mutual enjoyment, stating, "Your partner wants you to feel pleasure and we want you to feel good" (47:14).

Notable Quote:
Xander Marin (45:10): "I just want to be hard and, like, get to the intercourse… I ended up closing myself off from the possibility of having such a better time in our sex life."

4. Not Giving Your Partner Feedback

Highlighting the influence of unrealistic portrayals of sex in media, the hosts emphasize the necessity of open communication. Vanessa points out that the "fucking fairy tale" has misled many, making them believe that perfect sexual chemistry requires no feedback. She encourages couples to "share feedback with your partner" to ensure both partners' needs and desires are met (54:11).

Notable Quote:
Vanessa Marin (52:31): "The answer is supposed to be yes. So if anybody asks me was it good for me, I have to say yes."

5. Not Enjoying Foreplay Enough

Despite its potential for enhancing pleasure, many find foreplay unfulfilling or routine. Vanessa and Xander discuss ways to rekindle excitement, such as trying new techniques and maintaining a positive attitude. Vanessa advises, "Foreplay is not just about technique; it's about the technique combined with communication" (61:28), urging listeners to view foreplay as a continuous learning experience.

Notable Quote:
Xander Marin (60:00): "Foreplay isn’t something that we have to learn. We have to learn the techniques and we have to learn which of those techniques are actually super enjoyable for our partner."

Key Insights and Recommendations

• Redefining Foreplay: Shift the perception of foreplay from a mere prelude to an integral part of sexual intimacy that can independently provide immense pleasure and connection.

• Extended Foreplay: Incorporate foreplay throughout the sexual encounter, not just at the beginning, to maintain and elevate arousal levels for both partners.

• Mutual Participation: Encourage both partners to actively give and receive foreplay, overcoming societal norms and personal insecurities that hinder this balance.

• Effective Communication: Foster an environment where honest feedback about sexual preferences and desires is normalized, moving away from unrealistic expectations set by media portrayals.

• Enhancing Enjoyment: Continuously explore and experiment with new foreplay techniques, keeping the experience fresh and enjoyable to prevent it from becoming mundane.

Conclusion

Vanessa and Xander Marin provide a comprehensive exploration of foreplay, debunking five significant myths that hinder sexual satisfaction. By advocating for a respectful, communicative, and explorative approach to foreplay, they offer valuable guidance for couples seeking to deepen their intimacy and enhance their sexual experiences. Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own practices, utilize the techniques discussed, and consider the hosts' foreplay guides to transform their relationships.

Notable Resources Mentioned:

• Ultimate Foreplay Guides: A comprehensive resource offering step-by-step instructions and techniques to improve foreplay (07:00).
• Get Comfortable Receiving Foreplay Masterclass: A specialized course designed to help individuals, particularly women, become more comfortable and enjoy receiving foreplay (05:44).
• Foreplay Cheat Code Worksheet: A tool to help uncover each partner's unique foreplay preferences and needs (06:08).

For more information and to access these resources, listeners are directed to vmtherapy.com/foreplay.

Note: Timestamps correspond to the original podcast transcript for reference.