← Pillow Talks
Loading summary
Transcript137 lines
- [00:01]
A
Hello. So after we recorded this episode, we realized, holy crap, that was a super valuable episode. And we shared so many tangible strategies and this really comprehensive game plan. And we realized as you're listening to it, it's gonna be hard to keep track of everything because there are just so many aspects of this game plan that we go over. So to save you from having to take a million notes, we designed a free workbook to accompany this episode that's gonna walk you through the exact step, steps, and exercises that we talk about in today's episode. So head on over to the show notes. We will link it for you there. We highly recommend downloading it. It's just gonna make listening to this episode so much more enjoyable. Cause you'll know you already have the outline there for you. And we really want you to take action with this episode too. So having that workbook will make sure that you actually follow through on trying all these tips and techniques. So head on over to the show notes for that free workbook. 44% of people, that's almost half of people said yes. Currently in a rut. I also asked, like, I gave. One of the options was not now, but we've had one in the past. 40% of people said that they have had at least one rut in the past and never had a rut. 5% of liars.
- [01:22]
B
Wow. I mean, great. Great for the five. You know, it's 5% of people that haven't been in relationships very long.
- [01:29]
A
Yeah, like, we're in like the first year or two. Six months. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.
- [01:49]
B
And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step technique for improving yours.
- [01:56]
A
Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date. Full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. If you are feeling like you're in a rut in your relationship right now, you are in the right place. Today's episode, we're gonna do something different that we. I don't think we've ever really done something exactly like this before. We have talked about relationship ruts before because they are surprisingly common. I think when you're in the middle of a rut, it's very easy to feel embarrassed and ashamed and feel like other people don't wind up in this kind of place.
- [02:41]
B
But, yeah, everybody's happy. Everybody's happy but me.
- [02:44]
A
It's.
- [02:44]
B
It's happening for everybody else and we're just stuck.
- [02:47]
A
They're very common. That doesn't make them any less enjoyable. Like, it doesn't feel good when you feel like you're stuck in a rut with your partner. So we decided to come up with a four week structured game plan for getting out of your rut.
- [03:05]
B
Yeah. Because who doesn't want a good game plan?
- [03:07]
A
Yeah, I mean, you know, we've given tons of advice before about, like, different ways to get out of a rut, but I thought it would be useful for us to, like, really come up with a super specific plan of, like, okay, four weeks. Here's what we're doing in each week. We're also trying to make this really manageable. This is not like, go on a two week vacation and then everything will be great. These are, you know, little activities, bang for your buck kind of stuff. But a specific plan for helping you get out of that rut.
- [03:37]
B
Yeah, And I think that's so important because I think one of the most challenging things in relationships is that everything can feel so big. Even all the advice can feel really big. And it's like, okay, yeah, we're in a rut. I know we gotta do, we gotta communicate better. I know we gotta have more emotional intimacy. I know we gotta have more physical intimacy. I know we gotta have more date nights, but, like, how the heck are we gonna do all of that? It feels so impossible. It feels like, you know, you've, like, fallen really deep in a hole, and it's like, I can't reach the top, I can't jump out, I can't climb out. Like, how do I even start getting myself out of this? I know that I need to get out of the hole, but I don't know how to. Which is why, you know, we just wanted to break this down into actual. Okay, you're gonna do this today, you're gonna do this midweek, you're gonna do this at the end of the week. All right? Next week, you're gonna do this. So I, we're super excited for this, but before we actually started sharing that game plan with you, I gotta tell you, this week's review of the week reviews are so important and are so helpful in helping our podcast grow. So what we do is we pick a review every single podcast. Um, it's either a review for the podcast itself or. Or for one of our products. And if you hear your review read aloud, then you've won a free masterclass from us. All you have to do is DM us on Instagram or email us@infomtherapy.com to claim your prize. And if you want to leave a review, well, you can DM us about any of the courses of ours that you've purchased. Or leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Scroll all the way down to the Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts, Smash that five star button and leave us a short review. All right, this week's Ironically, I have a Master's degree in communication and I'm a college professor. I'm very well versed on communication styles and the concept of communicating in a style that's received the best instead of what is typically most comfortable for you. However, I have never equated the same concept to initiation styles. I thought I was broken. I actually had my hormones tested because I feel like I have zero sex drive. But always I wind up enjoying myself and thinking why don't we do this more when it's done? We are complete opposites. He's a boob honking, spontaneous type and I'm a don't even think about it while I'm washing the dishes. Responsive type, eye opening. We have the same fight over and over. I need emotional intimacy first. He needs physical intimacy to feel connected. We'll get there. Appreciate your work.
- [06:01]
A
We just love hearing reviews like this. And I think this is a really relatable one as well. So many couples struggle with initiation and poor initiation is not just annoying like an annoying boob honk. It can also lead to more arguments, resentment, disconnection, not to mention a significant decrease in your attraction to your partner, to your libido overall. But it's something that, like this person mentioned, we really tend to overlook it. So we do have an incredible course that covers this and that covers all the specific things that they called out in their review. It's the art of initiation. So if you want to check it out, you can go straight to vmtherapy.com initiation or you can get access to it plus most of our other guides and courses inside Deeper, our brand new membership. We will link both of those in the show notes for you. So our next podcast sponsor popped into our life at the perfect time. I swear like two weeks ago. I was just saying we are not eating enough seafood and I just like don't know where to get actual high quality seafood that I trust. And then lo and behold, Wild Alaskan comes into the Picture answered our prayers. Wild Alaskan Company is the best way to get wild caught. Perfectly portioned, nutrient dense seafood delivered directly to your door. This is 100% wild caught, never farmed, no antibiotics, GMOs or additive. Just clean, real fish that supports healthy oceans and fishing communities. Wild Alaskan fish is frozen right off the boat to lock in taste, texture and nutrients. And it's sustainably sourced. It's wild caught from Alaska. So every order supports sustainable harvesting practices.
- [07:51]
B
Yeah, I was so impressed when we received our box. Like, you know, I, I think that you're imagining like, oh, like I'm getting a fish delivery in a box and you might have a little, a couple concerns about like, okay, what's it going to like, look like when it gets here? But I was so impressed. Like it was packed. The, the box, the box was packed with like really great insulation. It's got dry ice inside the box. Like everything is frozen absolutely solid. It probably could have sat in that box for a couple of more days. Like that is. That's like how good of a job they did packing it. So, yeah, I am, I am so excited.
- [08:31]
A
And we got some of our favorite fish varieties too, like sockeye salmon, coho salmon, Pacific halibut, Pacific cod, like so many different options. And Wild Alaskan has a hundred percent money back guarantee. If you're not fully, fully satisfied with your first box, they will give you a full refund, no questions asked. Not all fish are the same. Get seafood you can trust. Go to wildalaskan.com pillow for 35% off your first box of premium wild caught seafood. That's wildalaskan.com pillow for $35 off your first order. Thanks to Wild Alaskan Company for sponsoring this episode. Are you neglecting your neck?
- [09:22]
B
Are you?
- [09:24]
A
I, I was. I gotta say, I love skincare. I have been into it since I was in my 20s, but I ignored my neck and chest for so long. And that's really unfortunate because I think those are actually the areas where you start to see aging the most. Which is why we're excited to tell you about GoPure and their tighten and lift neck cream. The skin on your neck is thinner, more delicate and less oily than facial skin. And it actually does need special care. GoPure's proprietary firming complex is designed to visibly firm and smooth the skin on your neck and chest in as little as four to eight weeks. In a consumer study, 100% of users said their skin looked more supple and 97% noticed a firmer appearance. This cream is dermatologist recommended, cruelty free, paraben free and sulfate free. And there are over a million jars sold. Plus Gopure has an entire line of other products. We're just featuring the neck cream today. But there are so many other skincare and body care products that are science backed, proven to tighten, lift and smooth skin from head to toe. Tighten, lift and restore elasticity in your neck because your skincare routine should not stop at your jawline. For a limited. Our listeners can get 25% off GoPure with code PILLOW at checkout. Just head to GoPureBeauty.com, use code PILLOW and you're all set. And after you buy, do us a favor. When they ask where you heard about Gopure, tell them it was from our show. Okay, so let's talk about ruts. I think first we got to define what is a relationship rut.
- [11:09]
B
Yeah, I mean, we're going to talk about how to bust a rut, but first we gotta, we gotta define the rut itself.
- [11:16]
A
I hate that phrase.
- [11:18]
B
Bust a rut.
- [11:19]
A
Bust a rut. It sounds terrible.
- [11:21]
B
I mean, I think it's kind of a fun way to like, you know, poke a little bit of humor at a, at a challenging topic.
- [11:27]
A
Poke humor. Wait, sorry, that was a real Vanessa ism right there.
- [11:30]
B
Yeah. Wait, what am I mixing up?
- [11:31]
A
Humor?
- [11:32]
B
What am I. What, What? I don't know. Inject a little bit of humor.
- [11:37]
A
Sure.
- [11:37]
B
Poke fun at. Poke fun at. There we go. Wow, that really was. What is it? Malfourism.
- [11:44]
A
Malfourism. I think Malafore, Malfour. That's when you mix up your metaphors like I do, but it's always me. I've never done it before.
- [11:53]
B
Technically speaking. That's not, it's not a metaphor. It's a aphorism or idioms. Idiom or aphorism. An aphorism is like a, like a, like a quippy. Like a quippy one liner.
- [12:04]
A
Okay, so ruts, okay. There's not any, like, technical definition of what a rut is, but it's essentially just feeling like you're stuck in a cycle. Things are feeling repetitive, they're feeling boring. You're not feeling connected to each other. It can often look like conversations are just about the logistics of life. Like, you know, who's picking up Timmy from soccer practice?
- [12:28]
B
It's always Timmy.
- [12:29]
A
It's always Timmy who's picking up Timmy from soccer practice. Did you pay the electricity bill this month? You're not having any, like, deeper, more meaningful conversations.
- [12:39]
B
It's like roommate style conversations.
- [12:41]
A
Yeah, absolutely. Quality time is just like zoning out on the couch. You're watching Netflix, you're both on your phones at the same time. Like, there's nothing quality about the quality time.
- [12:51]
B
Quality time is like, yeah, we cohabitate the same house, we sleep in the same bed. That's quality, right?
- [12:57]
A
Yeah, not quite. And typically in most ruts, you're also not having sex, may have been probably not much like kissing, touching each other in general. Like, you really are feeling more like roommate. You're sharing space with each other. You're not in a relationship with each other.
- [13:12]
B
I think also one of the most challenging things about this type of rut is it can be really hard to tell that you're getting into it until you're really deep in it. I think that's.
- [13:23]
A
That's kind of sneaks up on you.
- [13:24]
B
Yeah, it really sneaks up on you. Yeah, I mean, it's like, I don't know, I'm thinking, I'm trying to think of like, an actual metaphor for like, where might you actually fall, like, physically into a rut. Like, you're driving down the road and like, you start slowly drifting off to the side and like, boom, before you know it, you're in a rut on. But no, I think that it is. Yeah, it's. It's really a challenge. I know. Like, the, you know, I would say the one time in our relationship where we got into a pretty serious rut, I think was early on in our relationship. I was working my ass off and a job, really trying to like my first job out of college and like, really trying to advance my career because I thought that was like, the sole measure of my success as a man and as a provider in our relationship. And I just didn't have time or energy to like, do anything. I was getting home super late at night after, like, working all day. And. And yeah, it was like, partially. I just thought like, well, oh, I'm. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, right? Like, Vanessa should be aware of that. And, you know, it wasn't until like, probably months and months of that and us starting to have some conversations about it. It was like, oh, yeah, this is like, this is not. This doesn't feel good for either of us. And yeah, I mean, the challenge with ruts are the deeper you are into it, the harder it is to get out. And so, yeah, it can be really hard when you don't realize it.
- [14:49]
A
For a while, we turned to our Instagram community and we Asked, do you feel like you're currently in a relationship rut? And this actually blew me away. 44% of people, that's almost half of people said, yes, currently in a rut. I also asked, like, I gave. One of the options was not now, but we've had one in the past. 40% of people said that they have had at least one rut in the past and never had a rut. 5% of liars.
- [15:23]
B
Wow. I mean, great. Great for the five. You know, it's 5% of people that haven't been in relationships very long.
- [15:31]
A
Yeah, like, we're in, like, the first year or two, six months. No, I mean, everybody's different. Everybody's unique. But I do think getting into a rut is a pretty universal relationship experience.
- [15:43]
B
Yeah, it's absolutely a universal experience. I think in a way, it's kind of like a rite of passage. Like, we have. We have to. We have to do these things. We have to make mistakes even when we know objectively, like, oh, yeah, I shouldn't. This. We shouldn't do that. It's not good to do X, Y or Z. I. I can't think of anybody that, like, doesn't ultimately have to learn from a couple, from making a couple mistakes on their own. And I think this is, this is really true here as well. On, you know, it's so. It is really sad to hear that 44% of people, almost half of people feel like they're currently.
- [16:18]
A
Now, that's wild.
- [16:19]
B
In a rut. I mean, I think that it's like, this is such a tricky topic because it's like, like, I want to be really kind and empathetic, and I also want to, like, give some really real talk. Like, it's. It is totally normal to be in or to find yourself in a rut at one time or another, but you do not need to be in a rut, like, right now. You don't need to stay in that rut. I think the challenge for so many people is that they just get stuck into it, stuck in it and think, like, oh, this is just kind of the way things are going to be, or they do what I did when we were in this. And, you know, it wasn't until, you know, you had some pretty serious conversations with me before I changed my mindset. But I think a lot of people do this. Like, my, My perspective was, oh, well, it's just temporary because I'm working really hard because I'm on these. Like, they gave me an extra project and I'm Trying to prove myself because I just got a promotion. And so, like, you know, in like a month, this project for this client is going to be over and, like, things are going to go back to normal. Right. It's like we keep finding excuses or reasons, external things. It's like, oh, yeah, that's happening or whatever. Like, that that's going to end soon. Or it's like, oh, yeah, well, the kids are going to go back to school and so then the schedule is going to get more normal or like, okay, we only have a couple more years before the kids are out of the house, and then everything is going to change. But, you know, ruts do not go away on their own. And the deeper you are, the harder it is to get out. So I just want to say to those 44% of people, you can and you should climb your. Climb your way out of this rut because your relationship, your life, everything is going to be so much better if you can do that.
- [17:59]
A
And I want to touch for a second on why we get into ruts in the first place. Honestly, like, there's no, like, magic behind it. It just. Life gets in the way. You know, we all are so busy. We have so much, so much on our plate. It's very easy for your relationship to slip to the bottom of your to do list. I think a lot of us take our relationships for granted. Everything else feels like a fire, an emergency that we have to take care of. And it's like, my partner, like, we're. We're dependable, we're solid, like, we're committed. Yeah, we can just back burner it. And there's also the socialization that we get where all the focus is on, like, finding the partner and, like, wooing each other and winning them over and getting into the relationship, but then getting.
- [18:43]
B
Engaged, like, getting married. Yeah. It's like you hit all those milestones and then it's like, oh, cool, we did it. We're done.
- [18:48]
A
Yeah. And so we're not used to this idea of actively working on our relationship, continuing to put effort into it. So it's just so easy to get into that place with each other.
- [18:58]
B
Yeah. I mean, which is kind of interesting. It's like I. I think of like a fitness or gym comparisons. Like, nobody, nobody has ever said, like, oh, yeah, just like, go to the gym really hard for like a year. Get. Get totally ripped. Hit your fitness goals and then just stop, just stop. You're good. You built the body that you want, and it's just, you don't need to keep putting the work in. It's going to stay like that. Right. Like, hearing me say that, that sounds. That sounds crazy, right? Like, no, Like, I can't. I've never heard anybody say that. Oh, yeah. Once you get the muscles, then, like, they just stay there. Right. But, like, we do this with relationships. Why would it be any different? Why relationship be any different? Why would, you know, just like, symbolically getting married or something exempt you from the fact that it's like, we're still two people with a relationship that is alive and needs to be nurtured and taken care of?
- [19:56]
A
Okay, so before we get into what your plan is for getting out of this rut, let's talk a little bit about how to get your partner on board with doing this with you.
- [20:07]
B
Yeah. Because your partner might not even be aware that you. You're in a rut. I think that is so common where it's like, one partner seems like, blissfully unaware and the other partner is like. It seems like we're in a bit of a. Having a bit of a problem here.
- [20:21]
A
So first I want to normalize. Like, it's really common for one partner to be more willing, more interested, more like actively taking the lead in working on the relationship.
- [20:32]
B
Or at the very least, it's probably the person that identifies first that they're in a rut.
- [20:36]
A
Yeah. And I know that can be tricky, especially in a sensitive situation like this. Like, it would be something obviously so much easier if both you and your partner in the exact same moment were like, wait a minute, that scared Maggie. But that's not how life works. So let's just.
- [20:51]
B
It also sounds kind of crazy when we say lines together on the podcast. Right. Like, so just as weird as that sounds, that's literally how weird it would be if you both looked up at each other. I mean, it's kind of like we always joke around about, like, sex drive. How weird would it be if, like, the moment I get turned on Vanessa is like, oh, my God, I'm so wildly turned on? You know, it doesn't. It doesn't happen. And so it's not going to happen in this situation either.
- [21:16]
A
So here's how to bring it up with your partner. So the main thing is that you want to frame this as a positive, team oriented conversation. So this is not about blaming your partner. This is about the two of you coming together as a team. And you want it to feel like something exciting too, because at the end of the day, this is an exciting thing. Reconnecting, not being in a Rut, like that's way better than being in a disconnected rut. So in general, I tend to make the recommendation to just blame life because that is often the culprit for the vast majority of rut. So saying something to your partner like, I know we've been so busy lately and that our relationship has slipped to the back burner, that is not what I want. And I know that you don't want that either. So I really like that statement because you're making it clear to your partner like, hey, I care about you, I care about us. I don't want us to be at the bottom of the to do list. And you're g them the benefit of the doubt, the grace, the goodwill to say, like, I know that's not what you want either.
- [22:15]
B
Yeah, I think this is so important because I think if you are the person listening to this right now and you are like, yeah, we are in a rut, I don't think my partner realizes, or maybe their head's buried in the sand or, or whatever, or they just think it's temporary and it's naturally going to fix itself. But I know that's not the case. I think it's so important to be aware of just the, the dynamic, the unbalanced dynamic of you bringing up, hey, I think we're in a rut, like in a, you know, in a more matter of fact or, you know, kind of like unskilled way. Because even if you are not saying we're in a rut and it's your fault, even if you're just like, hey, you know what? I think that we're kind of in a rut. Your partner is likely going to receive that in a way of like, oh, so like the subtext is, okay, my partner is aware of this, has probably been aware of this for some amount of time. They've been thinking about it. They're not happy. They don't think that I, you know, they obviously don't think that I'm aware of it. So like, they've been aware of it. I'm not. So like, I must be doing something wrong. They're saying they might be saying I need to do something different. So it's like it feels like the deck is almost immediately stacked against you. You know, if, if it feels sort of like it's just this one sided, like, hey, I've been noticing for a while that things are feeling disconnected between us and it immediately just kind of gets you into. It really primes you to do what I was saying before. About, like, overly blaming situation or like, it's going to get better on its own or whatever, or like finding some external thing or even like flipping the script and being like, you think we're in a rot. Like, we're not in a rut. Like, and then you start, you know, trying to argue like, oh, here's all the things that did to be intimate with you or, you know, whatever. You're. You're in the rut. I'm not in a rut. You know, like something.
- [24:06]
A
You're in the rut.
- [24:07]
B
This is your fault, not my fault. And it's like, wait, wait, hold on. Like, we weren't even trying to talk about fault. So I just think that's so important to be aware of. Even if you think, like, hey, I'm just trying to be real matter of fact about this. It. It can bring up some really tricky dynamics. So I like what you said about, you know, and I think the key here is, I know you were saying you can blame the situation. And, you know, I was. I am aware. I was also just talking about how it's not great to be blaming the situation. I think the key here is it's fine to be like, hey, there have been all these external things going on that have been making it challenging for us. The key, though, is then pivoting into, so we need to do something about this together rather than, yeah, I know a lot's been going on, but let's just wait another month until those things end and things are gonna get better. I think that's that, like, the big difference here. So, yeah, blame the situation, but then suggest action that you two take together.
- [25:04]
A
Okay, so after you say, like, I know that you don't want that either, you can say something like, but the timing is perfect because I just heard a pillow talks podcast.
- [25:13]
B
The action that you can take.
- [25:14]
A
Wow, this is. Yeah, I mean, just like, use this podcast as a conversation opener, as a way to, like, open that door. Like, yeah, I just heard this podcast episode. Vanessa and Xander just released it and they have a. A specific game plan for how couples can reconnect. Would you be open to doing it with me? It would mean a lot to me. So, like, sharing that, like, invite your partner to do it and sharing like, hey, this would really mean a lot to me. Like, that's a great way to get them invested and open to doing it too.
- [25:45]
B
Yeah. And I mean, depending on your situation, it could even be like, look, they have this thing that's about, like, getting out of rut. I don't really even think we're, like, in a rut, per se. But, like, all these ideas are super, super good for just reconnecting, being happy. I'm curious what it would feel like if we actively did some of these things. If we thought about this as, like, going to the gym for our relationship.
- [26:06]
A
Okay, so let's go over your four week rut busting game plan.
- [26:12]
B
You said it. You said it.
- [26:14]
A
I just. Rut busting. That's different. That's not the same phrase.
- [26:17]
B
Oh, your four week bust a rut game plan.
- [26:21]
A
Okay, so here's how we've laid this out. There's a different theme to each week, and in each week, you're gonna get a daily 5 minute activity. A midweek, like, do it at any point during the week. Something that'll take about 20 minutes. And then a date night idea so you can feel free to make adjustments, make changes. If you don't like a certain thing, you don't have to. But again, we wanted to really create this structure that you just. You didn't have to think about something. You could just. Just follow the plan. And we can guarantee you at the end of these four weeks, you are gonna be feeling closer to each other. Okay, so the theme of week one is rediscovering each other. Because this is what happens when we get into a rut. We forget about each other and all the things that we like about each other. Like, oh, yeah, you actually are my favorite person. Not just the human being that always puts the toilet paper roll on the wrong way.
- [27:15]
B
You actually are my best friend.
- [27:16]
A
Yeah, My lava. No, you're just saying all the things to give me the ick.
- [27:22]
B
My juicy lava.
- [27:24]
A
Oh, no, sorry.
- [27:26]
B
Oh, you know, that's probably a couple weeks into the plan. I'll save that for later.
- [27:33]
A
Okay, so this is all about, like, seeing each other with fresh eyes again, appreciating each other again. So your daily five minute activity. And honestly, this could take, like, even less than five minutes. This could take 30 seconds. But every day, tell your partner something that you appreciate about them. Now, the key here is don't be generic.
- [27:53]
B
I appreciate you.
- [27:55]
A
You look nice. Like, no, you might as well not say anything. Be specific and try to call out those, like, interesting, unique little things. So, like, maybe it's something like, I love how you always refill my coffee without asking. Or I love watching the way you geek out about bird watching. Like, something specific to your partner. So this is really helping train your brain to focus on the positive things. Our brains. So Easily focus on the negative, annoying, frustrating things. And then it's straight one way ticket into Ruttsville. When all you're thinking about is all the ways that your partner says things that annoy you, like lover and juicy.
- [28:38]
B
No, I think that's such an important point. And I. This point got really driven home through a, through a really skillfully done example when Vanessa and I, we were kind of at like a, like a business event maybe a year or so ago, and, you know, someone was giving a presentation. And the very first thing this guy does in the presentation, like, he's introduced himself and he like, basically puts a slide up on the board and there's like a bunch of math problems, I think, or maybe like, you know, word association things. And he's like, all right, what do you notice about this? And like, the first thing when you look at it is like, there's a bunch of math problems. And like, they all see, like most of them, almost all of them are wrong. You know, it's like nine plus nine equals ten. And like, you know, like, nice equals bad or stuff like that. And you're like, you're like. So everyone is like, okay, like, that one's wrong, that one's wrong. And like, you know, the like, like shape that he's like trying to show is like, it says triangle, but it's actually a circle. You know, like, everyone is just pointing out all this stuff and like, you know, there's a lot of wrong things on this slide. And so we spend a couple of minutes, he's like calling on all these people and like identifying everything that's wrong. And we get to the end, you know, all the. And then everyone's hand that's gone up has been called on and like, we're out of things. And he gets to the. He's like, okay, so, like, nobody else. Nobody else. The question, mind you, is what do you notice about this? And he goes, okay, so you guys called out everything that's wrong. There are a number of things that are right on here. Nobody called that out. I asked you, what do you notice about this? Not what is wrong with this, but the important thing is, like, how quickly our brains, when we are presented with something going on, and that's. Something going on in this case is like your household. Things that are going on in. When you are together, how very quickly we just pick up on the negative. And so this is a really great way to force your brain to think about, oh, yeah, what are some of those positive things? And it might seem silly, but Just calling out those little. And even if you're struggling to find something super creative, like Vanessa said, or like, oh, I like how you always do this with my coffee or whatever, literally, just think of what was one nice thing that your partner did for you today. Even if it's something that you expect them to do, it feels so good. And it's really just the start of retraining your brain to think differently.
- [31:06]
A
Okay, then your midweek exercise is the Remember when game. So do some reminiscing with each other. Think back to funny, entertaining, like, sweet memories. Like maybe your first date, that time that you got lost on vacation, the apartment with a weird neighbor. So reminiscing is just such a great way to reconnect with each other, to remind each other that you've already been through so much together. And it just feels, like, really fun to think back on different random little timelines and events. It doesn't have to be huge milestone stuff sometimes just the random stuff. Also, bonus points if you want to pull up any pictures that can be a super. Or even music, too. Like, oh, this is that first song that I ever sent to you, the first band that we ever bonded over. So that can be super fun. This could be 20 minutes again. If you're really pressed for time, this could be, like, five minutes. Doesn't need to be a big deal, but just, like, a little bit of reminiscing can go a long way.
- [32:03]
B
Yeah. I mean, this could even be things you text back and forth during the day.
- [32:07]
A
Yeah, that could be a sweet way to do it too.
- [32:09]
B
But I think. What's. You know, I just. I just thought of this as you were saying this. I think, like, if anyone has their doubts about this exercise or is like, oh, this feels really cheesy or overly sentimental, I think that this is. We don't give this the credit that it deserves for how well it works. And here's my proof of that is like, I can't. Okay. I'm struggling to think of any specific. Or wait, no, no, I. I do have a specific example, but it might not even be necessary. But, like, I feel like there's a very common scene in rom coms or, like, any kind of movie where maybe you have two characters who have broken up or have been divorced for a while, and then whenever there's a story showing, like, like, you know, two people getting back together or kind of like, you know, they've been apart for a long time and maybe it seems like they're not compatible, but then, like, times have Changed and like now maybe something is going to happen. It always happens over reminiscing. I think this is such a common scene in movies is like two people that have been broken up forever and they've been fighting and blah, blah, blah, and then all of a sudden they're like, you know, stuck together in a coffee shop and the brain is pouring and they start.
- [33:21]
A
The rain is pouring.
- [33:22]
B
The rain. No, the rain pouring. They can't go outside. They're stuck there and they start reminiscing and laughing about stuff that has happened before. And like, as impractical as that might be, like, oh, these two are really going to get back together because of this. Our brains just give it a pass in like when we're watching it on TV because we're like, oh yeah, like that's, that's so sweet. Like, okay, that all makes sense. So it's like if, if you can get two random people that you don't even know that are just characters in a TV show and you believe the fact that, oh yeah, maybe there actually is something there because they're reminiscing about all this stuff. Like, think about how powerful that could be in real life for two people that aren't divorced or aren't broken up and actually have a whole lifetime of memories together. Just think about that. That's my rant.
- [34:10]
A
Okay, and then your weekend date night is to come up with a relationship ritual. So this is like something that can be just your special little thing. And we love relationship rituals because it feels like an inside joke, your secret couple's handshake. It just feels like this thing that's uniquely you. It's special, it's just between the two of you. Plus it gives you something to look forward to, especially, you know, when life is crazy, feeling really full. Like we have these rituals that we can look forward to. So some random examples could be like, maybe it's. You decide every Sunday morning we're gonna make pancakes together. Or like once a month, you know, on a Sunday morning we're gonna make pancakes. Maybe it's a monthly full moon hike or a quarterly one night staycation where you just get in those fluffy robes and watch trashy TV and order room service. But like, what's some little thing that could just be uniquely yours? So the planning of it is half the fun. So spend some time like brainstorming, come up with a bunch of random ideas, like be a little kooky and silly, but then decide on at least one thing that feels like a fun little ritual that the two of you could commit to. Okay, I think we've all been here, right? You wake up and you've got some sort of like funky symptom, like swollen, itchy eye, maybe a rash, looks a little funky, this like weird pain in your neck. You start googling it, you go down a TikTok rabbit hole and all of a sudden you're, you're convinced that all the things are wrong with you. Stop doing that to yourself and start checking out ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. They have more than a hundred thousand doctors across every specialty. Mental health, dental health, primary care, urgent care and more. And the filters are incredible. You can find doctors who take your insurance, are located nearby, are a good fit for any medical need you may have, and are highly rated by verified patients. And you can book an appointment fast, typically within 24 to 72 hours. Fortunately, we have not woken up with any weird symptoms personally lately. But the next time we do, we are definitely going to use Zocdoc to help us find the right medical treatment. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.compillow to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today day. That's z o c-o c.com pillow zocdoc.com pillow okay, I have an update on one of our podcast sponsors, Blissey. They make these incredible silk pillowcases. So we slept on the pillowcases before we did an ad. We were like, oh great, these are nice. Like, feels really good on my skin. It felt very cooling to me. But then we like slept on them for it's been like a couple weeks now. And my hair is like. I can totally see a difference. I have pretty frizzy hair and I wake up in the morning, like on normal pillowcases. It's been like, you know, frizzed around all night and like. But since I've been sleeping on blissy pillowcases, when I wake up in the morning, my hair is like, like smooth. You even noticed it.
- [37:44]
B
I love it.
- [37:44]
A
Which was wild. You're like, oh my God, your hair looks so much better than it normally does in the morning. So I'm a believer in these blissy.
- [37:53]
B
Pillowcases and I can't go anywhere without mine. We actually went.
- [37:58]
A
I really like yours.
- [37:59]
B
We went up to the mountains the other weekend to go skiing. I brought my blissy pillow with me, my pillowcase. I also brought My pillow. But I brought the pillowcase specifically because it just feels so luxurious.
- [38:11]
A
It does.
- [38:12]
B
I'm really into it.
- [38:14]
A
Because you're a listener, Blissey is offering a 60 night risk free plus an additional 30% off when you shop@blissey.com PillowPod. That's B L-I-S-S-Y.com Pillow Pod and use code Pillow Pod to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will. Thank you. Okay, week two. The theme of week two is bringing back joy, having fun with each other again. I think this is a major thing that is missing in so many relationships. We feel like we just don't have very much fun with each other anymore. So this is all about a little bit more fun. Having those times where you, like, feel like you're just laughing so hard your stomach is starting to hurt. There's so many boring parts of being an adult and, like, having a household together. You're talking about insurance policies and the best way to load the dishwasher and all this stuff. Like, I think it's important for us to have time when we can break out of that adult mode and just be silly and playful and goofy with each other. Okay, so for your daily activity, we're gonna have you do something that we're calling Joy confetti, where all that you're gonna do here is just text each other. One funny memory, one joke, a meme, something stupid that you see on the Internet, like literally anything. But it's just a way to like, just sneak those little moments of humor joy into each other's day. So you find like, there's a little video that makes you giggle on Instagram. Just send it to your partner. Do you remember some ridiculous memory between the two of you? Just send them a quick little text or a voice note or something like that. So it's just these are really those tiny little moments, but it just makes life feel a little bit more fun.
- [40:05]
B
Yeah. And I think even if this feels totally out of character for you, I think the problem when we get into these ruts is like, you get into the rut and you're like, oh, well, we haven't been doing anything funny or silly for so long. So it's gonna be weird if I do something funny or silly. But it's like, what's gonna be weird is if you stay in this rut forever, like, like, you know, bleed into the weird. Like, who cares if you don't usually do this? Like, this is about creating new habits, new traditions that are going to create that joy and going to bring that connection.
- [40:38]
A
Then midweek, see if you have time for like 10 to 20 minutes of would you rather couples edition. So we actually within deeper our couples membership, we do a daily would you rather question. Because we think they're just such great conversation openers. Like they're oftentimes ridiculous situations and scenarios so they feel fun to answer. But also there's usually some nugget of information that you get about your partner, something you didn't realize about them, a preference that they had. It opens a conversation in a way that you didn't expect. So we just think that this is a super fun game so you could ask your partner things like, would you rather we lived in a tiny house with a giant garden or a giant house with no yard. Would you rather I could read your mind or you could read my mind? So they could be silly, they can be serious, they can be about your relationship, about nothing at all. But like, just play a little around back and forth. It can be super fun.
- [41:36]
B
Oof. That mind reading one, that's a rough one. That is a rough, rough one. I don't know what I would choose there. Wow. But it would start a really good conversation because you're like, yeah, you're thinking about it like, like, oh God, like, do I really want her knowing, like every little thing that I'm thinking about? But then like, God, do I really want to know every little thing she's thinking about? What's better, what's worse, but it opens up? Yeah, that one's kind of rough. Maybe don't start with that. That's one to work your way into. But you know, you can see how it starts to open that conversation of like, yeah, what would it be like if we actually were able to know each other's thoughts? Would we think differently about each other? Would we be able to set stuff aside? Like, it's just interesting.
- [42:18]
A
Okay, and then your weekend date night is to have an adult play date.
- [42:25]
B
That sounds sexy.
- [42:26]
A
And that's week three. No, this is to channel your inner 12 year old and do something that is purely fun. Like something that you would have loved doing when you were a kid. So maybe it's like going mini golf, maybe it's an air hockey tournament. Maybe it's like a dance off. Like it could really just be as silly and ridiculous as you want, but it has to have zero practical value. Just like pure fun, pure ridiculousness taps into your inner child in some way or another. But just giving yourselves that time to do something really ridiculous and Silly with each other.
- [43:02]
B
What would you choose?
- [43:04]
A
Oh, I think I'd maybe do, like, a mini golf. I like mini golf. What do I do?
- [43:10]
B
I know we don't have a mini.
- [43:11]
A
Golf, and it's like 45 minutes away.
- [43:13]
B
I know. We've never been. You know what? We should go just for fun. I was gonna say the same.
- [43:18]
A
Go kart rides at that place too.
- [43:19]
B
Oh, yeah, that's. That's fun.
- [43:21]
A
Why are you grimacing, though? You're like.
- [43:24]
B
No, I'm smiling. Grimacing.
- [43:28]
A
Okay. Week three, the theme is rebuilding closeness. So this is all about getting a little bit more physical with each other. So obviously we are big believers in the importance of physical intimacy. We believe physical intimacy isn't just sex, and we also believe that sex isn't just a purely physical act. This is all about, like, really finding the joy and the connection in sharing our bodies with each other. Oh, my God, that came out so cheesy. Okay, but we are also going to make this feel really practical. And we are going to slowly build up to stuff too, because oftentimes when you're in a rut, but you probably haven't had sex in a while, you're probably not touching each other all that much. So it can often feel intimidating to get back in the saddle. So we're gonna ease you back into it. So your daily activity. And this takes 36 seconds. So this is.
- [44:26]
B
Or 30, because you could do them at the same time.
- [44:29]
A
This is a real, real simple one here. But you're gonna do a six second hug and a 30 second kiss.
- [44:36]
B
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You got those backwards.
- [44:39]
A
Oh, you're right. Jesus. 30 second hug and a six second kiss. So research has shown that those are the exact time frames that our bodies need to release oxytocin, which is the feel good hormone. It's what makes us feel close and connected to each other. So this is such a great, simple tip because it's literally 36 seconds. Or yes, it could be 30 seconds if you do them at the same time. But it creates so much impact. Like, you will feel so much closer to it if you just did one thing in this entire game plan that we've laid out for you. The 6 second kiss. And 30 second hug makes such a big difference. So don't need to set a crazy timer. We don't need to be ridiculous about it. But the cool thing with the hug is that you'll feel the point when your body's relaxed. It feels like your body going.
- [45:33]
B
Like.
- [45:33]
A
This kind of melty feeling with each other. So every day, 30 second hug, six second kiss. Then your midweek activity is a 20 minute massage. So you're gonna take turns. You're each gonna have 10 minutes if you wanna go longer. This is a great one that I think a lot of people are like, we can find a little bit more time for this one.
- [45:54]
B
What about for the people that are like, oh, a massage.
- [45:56]
A
No, it's a real massage.
- [45:59]
B
Real ass massage.
- [46:00]
A
Real massage.
- [46:01]
B
Not on your ass.
- [46:03]
A
I mean, it can be if you.
- [46:04]
B
Want to, not a sexy one on the ass.
- [46:06]
A
But this is 10 minutes at least for each other. Now if you do not know how to give a massage, that's okay. That's totally fine. It doesn't need to be fancy. It could literally just get in there with their shoulders, their hands, feet. Those are all great parts to try massaging. And again, you do not have to get fancy or look up a YouTube video. Just like 10 minute couples massage. And you can find tutorials where they'll walk you through, like, here's how you do it. So I think this is such a, this is gonna be a very popular one. So find that 20 minutes sometime during the week for a massage. Okay. And then your weekend date night is to carve out one hour for an intentional intimacy date. We like using the phrase intentional intimacy instead of scheduled sexual. Because scheduled sex, it just sounds boring.
- [47:01]
B
And like, people hate it.
- [47:04]
A
Yeah, people hate it. So we like to think about being intentional and intimate rather than like, we don't want it to feel like the pressure is on. You have to have sex on this specific day. Like you're signing a contract and committing to it. So our thought behind intentional intimacy is that we agree to carve out time to spend with each other and to do something involving physicality. Cuddling, holding hands, making out, giving longer massages. Like, you're just doing something with your bodies to connect with each other. If you do feel like doing more, you can absolutely do more. But the idea is simply to carve out that block of time and say, we are spending this time with each other. We are making each other the priority for the. This hour of time.
- [47:50]
B
Yeah. And I think that for anybody that is doing this and you know, they're in, they're in a relationship rut and also, like, very much in the middle of a dry spell, if it's been a really long time since you've had sex and that's feeling scary, the prospect of like, oh my God, like, so you're telling me to just like, boom, we're going to. We're going to commit to having sex. I think that, you know, my recommendation there, you know, especially if you guys want. Are both on board with this and you're talking about it, I think it can be really powerful to be like, okay, we are going to slowly work our way back into the saddle over a number of weeks. So we're going to have this intentional intimacy date. Let's. Let's say, you know, at most it's like first base only. We're just going to, like, touch each other and, you know, not go any further than that. And then. But what you can do is say, and then, you know what? We're going to do that for the first week. Then let's do this again a week later, and we maybe we will just do second base. And then the next week we will do third base, like oral. And then the fourth week, we will have, you know, we will have intercourse or, you know, whatever the main event is for you. And I think having that structure where you're like. Where you're like, okay, this is the max that we're going to do, it takes a lot of pressure off. It takes a lot of pressure off, and it allows you to both kind of get excited about, like, going back to doing things that honestly, most couples neglect. And it can. You know, we've done that before in times where things have, you know, where it's felt like it's been a long time. And I think that's a really great way to get back into the saddle in an intentionally intimate way.
- [49:27]
A
Okay, and let's bring it on home with week four. The theme is future vision. So at this point, you've reconnected, you're playing together, you've rebuilt that physical closeness. It is time to look forward. So without this step, it's really easy to fall back into the old patterns. It's like, okay, yeah, we did the thing all right, back to normal. But this week is about creating these shared dreams, shared visions for the future. And I think this is something that most couples never do in their relationship. Creating shared dreams, a shared vision for the future, actually is a surprisingly and shockingly powerful step. So here's the daily activity, future anticipation. So every day, just share one thing that you're looking forward to doing together. So it could be something super simple, like, oh, yeah, I can't wait to try that new ramen place that just opened up. Or it could be something bigger, like, I'm so excited about the trip that we're taking next year to go to Portugal. Something like that. But just like. Like, one thing that you're looking forward to with your partner, this helps create just these little, like, sparks of anticipation. There's amazing research showing that anticipation in relationships is so powerful. It increases our motivation. It increases our, like, enjoyment and our connection. So it just feels like fun. It's kind of. It's the opposite of the reminiscing. It's like. It's creating.
- [50:58]
B
It's like future reminiscing.
- [51:00]
A
Future reminiscing.
- [51:01]
B
Pre reminiscence.
- [51:03]
A
Pre reminiscing. Yeah. So just, again, this could take, like, two minutes. It could take 30 seconds. It could be a text that you send to your partner, but every day, just something that you're looking forward to about doing. Like, something that you're looking forward to doing with your partner.
- [51:18]
B
Yeah. And to all those of you that get hung up on, like, oh, but I like things to be spontaneous. I hate to break it to you, but the research actually does show that the more the anticipation of an event actually releases more dopamine or yields us more enjoyment than the actual experiencing of the event that we've been anticipating, which is so interesting. Which is one reason why intentional intimacy is so powerful. But also, like, you know, planning for things in the future and then talking about it and getting excited about it, it's like, you know, we think like, oh, well, God, we can only go on, like, one big vacation a year. So, like, you know, it's just like, it's not enough. Or, like, how are we ever supposed to, you know, I don't know. How are we supposed to, you know, get all that quality time together? It's like, yeah, the quality time you get together on that big vacation is important, but you can actually create so much connection and anticipation, like, literally, like, reminiscing in, in advance about this thing that you are going to do.
- [52:24]
A
Okay, your midweek activity is a dreams discussion. So each of you are going to take turns sharing a goal that you're working towards and how your partner can help make it happen. So this could be a personal goal that you want to work towards, or it could be a relationship goal that you want to work towards. And the point of this conversation is not to get into the nitty gritty of, like, planning it and the logistics and how you're actually going to make it happen. But it's just about being able to speak goals and dreams out loud and kind of daydream together a little bit. And it just helps reinforce that you are both there to help each other be the best versions of yourself, too. So for your partner, like, for you to be able to share your dream or your goal with your partner, and for them to be able to say, like, that's like, I support that. That's super meaningful. How else can I be a good partner to you in this? Like, that just can just feel so sweet to have those conversations.
- [53:21]
B
Yeah. And I think a lot of people avoid this. I know that I used to avoid this type of conversation a lot. And I think this might be a more masculine thing. But I think, like, men, I, or at least I very often thought, if I'm going to share something that I want to do, I need to have a clear path for how I'm going to do it. Or, like, if by, like, by sharing it, I'm somehow committing, I'm like, like, putting out onto the record, like, Xander is saying that he wants to do this, so if he doesn't do it, he's failed. And so that was always really scary for me. And I think that that can be a big challenge for a lot of men because, you know, men tend to default to, like, the more practical or rational or, like, okay, if I'm going to talk about wanting to do something, I have to actually be able to tell you how I am going to get from point A to point B. And so I think, you know, that's kind of how we've split this up. Or in the daily thing, we're talking about. Yeah, like, anticipating something that you are actually going to do sometime in the future. Like, where it is. Okay, Yeah, I do know the path from point A to point B. It's like, we got to get through the week and then we're going to the ramen place versus breaking out. Like, yeah, we're talking about our dreams. We are not talking about how we're going to achieve them.
- [54:30]
A
Okay. And then your weekend date night is a relationship vision creation. So you're gonna create a relationship vision board or a document, whatever you want. If you're a more visual person, you can get crafty, like, cut out pictures, tear up some magazines, whatever you want. Or if it just feels more fun and interesting to you, to just, like, make a shared Google Doc or something. Like, whatever format feels better for you. And you're also gonna pick a time frame of, like, what do you want your relationship to look like? Either 1 year, 5 year, 10 years, 30 years, like, whatever timeframe feels fun for you in this season of life. Like, pick a time frame. And so the idea here is to come up with A vision board of what you want your relationship to look like by the time you hit that point. So what things do you want to accomplish separately, together? What do you want your relationship to feel like? What do you want to be working towards next? Like, you can really get creative here, but I think it's really great to have something visual. So whether it's some sort of collage or like just visually in a document, to really be able to have like this kind of wish list for your relationship of these are all the things that we want to be able to experience with each other. It just, it makes the future feel so exciting. Makes you feel like a team in working together to get all those things knocked off your bucket list. All right, so that wraps up your four week game plan. So to summarize, you've got. Week one is all about rediscovering each other. Week two is about bringing back joy. Week three is rebuilding closeness, and week four is creating your future vision. So first step is to send this episode to your partner, tell them, oh my gosh, this sounds so interesting. Can we listen to it together? I'd love to do this with you. Get that conversation started. Because at the end of the day, your love, your relationship, your connection is, is special, it's unique, it's okay and understandable if you've gotten into a rut. But your relationship deserves reprioritizing.
- [56:43]
B
Yeah, your relationship is worth it.
- [56:45]
A
And we really think that this game plan is going to get you there. So we would love to hear what you think about this. Like I mentioned, like, we haven't ever really done a super specific game plan like this before. So come on over to Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Xander. Let us know what you thought about this game plan. Or I think if you're listening on Spotify, you can leave comments now too. Yeah, let us know, let us know. Think that is all for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening and join us again next week. We release episodes every Thursday.