Pillow Talks Podcast Summary
Episode: EPISODE 211: Ask A Sex Therapist: Penis Pumps, Pegging, + Postpartum Sex
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Release Date: June 5, 2025
Introduction
In Episode 211 of Pillow Talks, hosts Vanessa and Xander Marin delve into listener-submitted questions, offering expert insights and relatable anecdotes. Vanessa, a seasoned sex therapist with over two decades of experience, alongside her husband Xander, a self-described "regular dude," provide thoughtful and humorous discussions on a range of intimate topics.
1. Is It Normal for Things to Be Better Than Sex?
Timestamp: [24:19]
Vanessa and Xander explore the intriguing question of whether it's normal for certain experiences or things to feel better than sex. Vanessa emphasizes that while sex is often expected to be mind-blowing, the reality is that many people aren’t taught how to make it as fulfilling as it could be.
Vanessa Marin [24:23]: "Sex absolutely should be pleasurable and mind-blowing. But we were never taught how to, so we're all just kind of flying blind here trying to figure out how am I supposed to make this experience as good as it's supposed to be."
Xander adds that orgasms, while intensely pleasurable, are fleeting compared to the lasting satisfaction derived from other activities, such as a great surf session.
Xander Marin [31:16]: "It's hard to imagine something else like feeling that way in that short amount of time, but on the other hand, there's a different level of satisfaction or pleasure or happiness that I get out of other things."
Conclusion: The hosts highlight the importance of education and communication in enhancing sexual experiences, ensuring they meet individual and mutual expectations.
2. Is It Normal That My Husband and I Don't Kiss During Sex?
Timestamp: [09:32]
A listener questions the lack of kissing during sex, prompting Vanessa to reject the notion of "normal" and emphasize personal preferences.
Vanessa Marin [09:43]: "Is it common that you don't kiss during sex? No. Most people kiss during sex."
Xander shares their personal experience, noting practical challenges such as height differences that make kissing during intercourse less feasible.
Xander Marin [10:21]: "I think we kiss very little during intercourse... It's mostly because of our height difference."
They conclude that while kissing can enhance intimacy, it's not a necessity if both partners are content with their level of connection.
Xander Marin [14:41]: "If you're getting the level of intimacy that feels good to you when you're having sex, who cares if you're kissing or not?"
Conclusion: Kissing during sex varies among couples and isn’t a measure of intimacy. Communication about desires and preferences is key to ensuring both partners feel connected.
3. What Is Pegging?
Timestamp: [18:48]
Pegging, a topic that often sparks curiosity, is thoroughly explained by Vanessa and Xander.
Xander Marin [19:16]: "Pegging is when a man receives anal sex from a partner wearing a strap-on."
Vanessa elaborates on its typical context within heterosexual relationships, highlighting its role in exploring gender dynamics and power play.
Vanessa Marin [21:00]: "It's specifically a strap-on being used... it's a reverse power dynamic."
Despite not personally engaging in pegging, Vanessa expresses interest in its intimate and vulnerable aspects.
Vanessa Marin [21:40]: "Having somebody penetrate you with their body is a very vulnerable, very intimate experience."
Conclusion: Pegging is a consensual sexual practice that involves role reversal and can enhance intimacy through vulnerability and exploration of power dynamics. It's essential for couples to communicate openly if they choose to explore this practice.
4. Does Having a Vasectomy Make You Less of a Man?
Timestamp: [33:05]
A listener's concern about masculinity post-vasectomy is addressed with both reassurance and factual information.
Xander Marin [33:20]: "Vasectomy doesn't make you any less of a man. I have a vasectomy. I honestly feel like more of a man now that I have one."
Vanessa points out common misconceptions, such as the fear of losing testicles, clarifying that the procedure is minimally invasive.
Xander Marin [35:23]: "A vasectomy doesn't impact your testosterone levels at all."
They discuss the societal pressures men often face regarding contraception responsibilities and encourage embracing proactive measures.
Xander Marin [41:56]: "Guys, step up to the plate. Be a man. Get a vasectomy when you are done having kids."
Conclusion: Vasectomy is a safe and effective form of contraception that does not affect masculinity or hormone levels. Sharing the responsibility of birth control can strengthen relationships and alleviate long-term contraceptive burdens for partners.
5. Does Using a Penis Pump Have a Negative Impact After Use?
Timestamp: [46:23]
The safety and effects of penis pumps are examined, with Vanessa providing a balanced view.
Vanessa Marin [46:31]: "Penis pumps can have risks, such as bruising, pain, numbness, and broken blood vessels if overused."
They clarify that while penis pumps are primarily intended for treating erectile dysfunction, some misuse them for temporary enlargement without achieving lasting results.
Vanessa Marin [49:36]: "They're not gonna actually make anybody bigger. You're gonna get an erection, so you'll be bigger than you are soft."
Conclusion: When used correctly and under medical supervision, penis pumps are generally safe for treating erectile dysfunction. However, misuse can lead to adverse effects. Consultation with a healthcare professional is recommended before incorporating them into one's routine.
6. Are Men Lying When They Say They Like Sex the Same After a Woman Gives Birth?
Timestamp: [49:47]
Postpartum sexuality and male perceptions are explored, addressing myths and reassuring partners.
Vanessa emphasizes the resilience and recoverability of the female body post-childbirth, debunking myths about lasting looseness.
Vanessa Marin [51:09]: "The vagina is incredible. It is meant to flex and stretch... and go back to normal."
Xander discusses the rarity of men making derogatory comments post-childbirth, stressing that most men are supportive and that persistent negative remarks are not representative.
Vanessa Marin [51:57]: "The anxiety that you're having about your vagina is not based in reality. It's based in all this bullshit crappy socialization."
Conclusion: Most men accurately report their sexual satisfaction post-childbirth. Concerns about physical changes are often unfounded, and open communication can alleviate fears stemming from societal misconceptions.
7. How to Participate When He's On Top
Timestamp: [54:27]
A listener seeks advice on increasing engagement during intercourse when her partner is in the dominant position.
Vanessa provides practical tips to enhance participation and intimacy:
- Using Hips: "Push back into his thrust."
- Touching: "Use your hands to touch his body."
- Eye Contact & Kissing: "Make eye contact, talk dirty, or pull him in for a kiss."
- Changing Positions: "Grab him and flip him over."
Xander emphasizes verbal feedback and physical cues to maintain connection and ensure mutual satisfaction.
Xander Marin [59:04]: "Just being there with him, energetically, and talking."
Conclusion: Active participation from both partners during intercourse fosters intimacy and mutual satisfaction. Incorporating physical and verbal engagement can enhance the sexual experience, ensuring both partners feel connected and valued.
8. Can Responsive/Spontaneous Desire Be Taught? Can You Switch From One to the Other in Life?
Timestamp: [60:38]
Vanessa and Xander discuss the concept of responsive and spontaneous desire, clarifying common misconceptions.
Vanessa outlines the two types:
- Spontaneous Desire: Initiated without external stimuli.
- Responsive Desire: Triggered by external stimuli or physical arousal.
Vanessa Marin [61:40]: "You can't really teach yourself or switch your desire type, but there are ways to work with your desire."
Xander adds that while desire types are inherent, individuals can adopt strategies to harmonize their desires with their partners'.
Xander Marin [63:57]: "There are ways to work with it and really make it almost feel more spontaneous."
Conclusion: While desire types are inherent, understanding and working with one's natural inclination can improve sexual satisfaction. Open communication and mutual understanding between partners are essential in accommodating and enhancing each other's sexual drives.
Final Thoughts
Throughout Episode 211, Vanessa and Xander Marin offer compassionate, knowledgeable, and relatable advice on various aspects of sexual health and relationships. Their blend of professional expertise and personal experience provides listeners with valuable insights to navigate their own intimate lives confidently.
Note: For more in-depth discussions and resources, listeners are encouraged to visit VM Therapy's website and explore their comprehensive guides on foreplay, sex techniques, and relationship building.