EPISODE 211: Ask A Sex Therapist: Penis Pumps, Pegging, + Postpartum Sex

Summary

Pillow Talks Podcast Summary Episode: EPISODE 211: Ask A Sex Therapist: Penis Pumps, Pegging, + Postpartum Sex
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Release Date: June 5, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 211 of Pillow Talks, hosts Vanessa and Xander Marin delve into listener-submitted questions, offering expert insights and relatable anecdotes. Vanessa, a seasoned sex therapist with over two decades of experience, alongside her husband Xander, a self-described "regular dude," provide thoughtful and humorous discussions on a range of intimate topics.

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1. Is It Normal for Things to Be Better Than Sex?

Timestamp: [24:19]

Vanessa and Xander explore the intriguing question of whether it's normal for certain experiences or things to feel better than sex. Vanessa emphasizes that while sex is often expected to be mind-blowing, the reality is that many people aren’t taught how to make it as fulfilling as it could be.

Vanessa Marin [24:23]: "Sex absolutely should be pleasurable and mind-blowing. But we were never taught how to, so we're all just kind of flying blind here trying to figure out how am I supposed to make this experience as good as it's supposed to be."

Xander adds that orgasms, while intensely pleasurable, are fleeting compared to the lasting satisfaction derived from other activities, such as a great surf session.

Xander Marin [31:16]: "It's hard to imagine something else like feeling that way in that short amount of time, but on the other hand, there's a different level of satisfaction or pleasure or happiness that I get out of other things."

Conclusion: The hosts highlight the importance of education and communication in enhancing sexual experiences, ensuring they meet individual and mutual expectations.

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2. Is It Normal That My Husband and I Don't Kiss During Sex?

Timestamp: [09:32]

A listener questions the lack of kissing during sex, prompting Vanessa to reject the notion of "normal" and emphasize personal preferences.

Vanessa Marin [09:43]: "Is it common that you don't kiss during sex? No. Most people kiss during sex."

Xander shares their personal experience, noting practical challenges such as height differences that make kissing during intercourse less feasible.

Xander Marin [10:21]: "I think we kiss very little during intercourse... It's mostly because of our height difference."

They conclude that while kissing can enhance intimacy, it's not a necessity if both partners are content with their level of connection.

Xander Marin [14:41]: "If you're getting the level of intimacy that feels good to you when you're having sex, who cares if you're kissing or not?"

Conclusion: Kissing during sex varies among couples and isn’t a measure of intimacy. Communication about desires and preferences is key to ensuring both partners feel connected.

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3. What Is Pegging?

Timestamp: [18:48]

Pegging, a topic that often sparks curiosity, is thoroughly explained by Vanessa and Xander.

Xander Marin [19:16]: "Pegging is when a man receives anal sex from a partner wearing a strap-on."

Vanessa elaborates on its typical context within heterosexual relationships, highlighting its role in exploring gender dynamics and power play.

Vanessa Marin [21:00]: "It's specifically a strap-on being used... it's a reverse power dynamic."

Despite not personally engaging in pegging, Vanessa expresses interest in its intimate and vulnerable aspects.

Vanessa Marin [21:40]: "Having somebody penetrate you with their body is a very vulnerable, very intimate experience."

Conclusion: Pegging is a consensual sexual practice that involves role reversal and can enhance intimacy through vulnerability and exploration of power dynamics. It's essential for couples to communicate openly if they choose to explore this practice.

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4. Does Having a Vasectomy Make You Less of a Man?

Timestamp: [33:05]

A listener's concern about masculinity post-vasectomy is addressed with both reassurance and factual information.

Xander Marin [33:20]: "Vasectomy doesn't make you any less of a man. I have a vasectomy. I honestly feel like more of a man now that I have one."

Vanessa points out common misconceptions, such as the fear of losing testicles, clarifying that the procedure is minimally invasive.

Xander Marin [35:23]: "A vasectomy doesn't impact your testosterone levels at all."

They discuss the societal pressures men often face regarding contraception responsibilities and encourage embracing proactive measures.

Xander Marin [41:56]: "Guys, step up to the plate. Be a man. Get a vasectomy when you are done having kids."

Conclusion: Vasectomy is a safe and effective form of contraception that does not affect masculinity or hormone levels. Sharing the responsibility of birth control can strengthen relationships and alleviate long-term contraceptive burdens for partners.

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5. Does Using a Penis Pump Have a Negative Impact After Use?

Timestamp: [46:23]

The safety and effects of penis pumps are examined, with Vanessa providing a balanced view.

Vanessa Marin [46:31]: "Penis pumps can have risks, such as bruising, pain, numbness, and broken blood vessels if overused."

They clarify that while penis pumps are primarily intended for treating erectile dysfunction, some misuse them for temporary enlargement without achieving lasting results.

Vanessa Marin [49:36]: "They're not gonna actually make anybody bigger. You're gonna get an erection, so you'll be bigger than you are soft."

Conclusion: When used correctly and under medical supervision, penis pumps are generally safe for treating erectile dysfunction. However, misuse can lead to adverse effects. Consultation with a healthcare professional is recommended before incorporating them into one's routine.

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6. Are Men Lying When They Say They Like Sex the Same After a Woman Gives Birth?

Timestamp: [49:47]

Postpartum sexuality and male perceptions are explored, addressing myths and reassuring partners.

Vanessa emphasizes the resilience and recoverability of the female body post-childbirth, debunking myths about lasting looseness.

Vanessa Marin [51:09]: "The vagina is incredible. It is meant to flex and stretch... and go back to normal."

Xander discusses the rarity of men making derogatory comments post-childbirth, stressing that most men are supportive and that persistent negative remarks are not representative.

Vanessa Marin [51:57]: "The anxiety that you're having about your vagina is not based in reality. It's based in all this bullshit crappy socialization."

Conclusion: Most men accurately report their sexual satisfaction post-childbirth. Concerns about physical changes are often unfounded, and open communication can alleviate fears stemming from societal misconceptions.

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7. How to Participate When He's On Top

Timestamp: [54:27]

A listener seeks advice on increasing engagement during intercourse when her partner is in the dominant position.

Vanessa provides practical tips to enhance participation and intimacy:

• Using Hips: "Push back into his thrust."
• Touching: "Use your hands to touch his body."
• Eye Contact & Kissing: "Make eye contact, talk dirty, or pull him in for a kiss."
• Changing Positions: "Grab him and flip him over."

Xander emphasizes verbal feedback and physical cues to maintain connection and ensure mutual satisfaction.

Xander Marin [59:04]: "Just being there with him, energetically, and talking."

Conclusion: Active participation from both partners during intercourse fosters intimacy and mutual satisfaction. Incorporating physical and verbal engagement can enhance the sexual experience, ensuring both partners feel connected and valued.

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8. Can Responsive/Spontaneous Desire Be Taught? Can You Switch From One to the Other in Life?

Timestamp: [60:38]

Vanessa and Xander discuss the concept of responsive and spontaneous desire, clarifying common misconceptions.

Vanessa outlines the two types:

• Spontaneous Desire: Initiated without external stimuli.
• Responsive Desire: Triggered by external stimuli or physical arousal.

Vanessa Marin [61:40]: "You can't really teach yourself or switch your desire type, but there are ways to work with your desire."

Xander adds that while desire types are inherent, individuals can adopt strategies to harmonize their desires with their partners'.

Xander Marin [63:57]: "There are ways to work with it and really make it almost feel more spontaneous."

Conclusion: While desire types are inherent, understanding and working with one's natural inclination can improve sexual satisfaction. Open communication and mutual understanding between partners are essential in accommodating and enhancing each other's sexual drives.

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Final Thoughts

Throughout Episode 211, Vanessa and Xander Marin offer compassionate, knowledgeable, and relatable advice on various aspects of sexual health and relationships. Their blend of professional expertise and personal experience provides listeners with valuable insights to navigate their own intimate lives confidently.

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Note: For more in-depth discussions and resources, listeners are encouraged to visit VM Therapy's website and explore their comprehensive guides on foreplay, sex techniques, and relationship building.

Transcript

[Xander Marin]

Is it normal for things to be better than sex?

[Vanessa Marin]

Does having a vasectomy make you less of a man? Trying to decide if I want to get one.

[Xander Marin]

I don't know. Am I less of a man? Does using a penis pump have a negative impact after use?

[Vanessa Marin]

Great question.

[Xander Marin]

Let's just get right into that. I'm asking for a friend. Is it normal my husband and I don't kiss during sex?

[Vanessa Marin]

What is pegging?

[Xander Marin]

All right, let's. I mean, we just got real straight down to business here. Pegging is.

[Vanessa Marin]

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

[Xander Marin]

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

[Vanessa Marin]

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today we are back with one of our favorite episodes, Ask a Sex Therapist. We put a question box up on Instagram and we said ask away any question, especially the questions that maybe you've been too nervous to Google even on.

[Xander Marin]

Incognito mode, too nervous to ask anyone, too nervous to almost even start to think about.

[Vanessa Marin]

And we got some interesting questions, honestly, some questions that I've never even seen before in 20 years as a sex therapist. So I'm excited for this episode.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I've. I've seen the gamut of the types of questions that you get asked.

[Vanessa Marin]

Nice SAT word, though.

[Xander Marin]

Upon reflection, I'm not sure you can say I've seen the gamut. I've, I have, I've really experience. The questions you have received have really run the gamut. What is a gamut? Actually, I have no idea what a gamut is. And can it be used in any other way than run the gamut?

[Vanessa Marin]

Anyway, it's just the complete range or scope of something. It's not an actual, like, it's not a thing.

[Xander Marin]

Great. I'm going to try to find ways to use that word more and non. Run the gamut.

[Vanessa Marin]

Gamut.

[Xander Marin]

Context. All right. But anyway, no, you, you get some wild questions, you know, but I don't know, there, there's not like, it's not like from one extreme to the other, but just like, just some. You got some stuff. So I love, I love knowing we're.

[Vanessa Marin]

Getting some new things here and what are your Qualifications for answering this episode.

[Xander Marin]

Well, yeah, she's a sex therapist who's over 20 years of experience. I'm her husband. That's it. I'm a regular guy, but I'm always.

[Vanessa Marin]

Learning around the question.

[Xander Marin]

I've been around these questions for a long time. I've been around this content, this topic for a really long time at this point. It's funny because I, you know, from the beginning was just like, you know, I'm a regular guy, a husband. I'm married. You know, I'm a man. Like, you know, I. That. That's my perspective. I've. I've been in a relationship and in a marriage for a long time. And at this point, that is still true. It's been even longer. But I really. I really know a lot about this topic now because we literally do this day in and day out. All right, now, speaking of run the gamut, let's just. Let's just run all the way to the one end of the gamut and hit you. Hit you with a new one. A good one, a surprising one from the very beginning. Yeah. All right, number one, coming in hot and heavy. Vanessa, what is the height between putting your partner's penis into a vag all night? Claims are they feel more closer. That was literally. That was literally the question.

[Vanessa Marin]

Well, this person had to really struggle to, like, fit the question into the box. They did a good job shorten things. They're saying, putting your penis.

[Xander Marin]

So the claim is. The claim is that if you do this, that the partners feel closer.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Okay.

[Vanessa Marin]

This is a new one. I'm always seeing new stuff pop up on the Internet, new ideas, People get into their heads. Something will go around. So this is a trend, like putting your partner's penis into your vagina all night.

[Xander Marin]

It's a new take on all Night Long. It's perhaps maybe a more realistic take on all night long, but though still also not very realistic.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, so, like, I always like to start with stuff like this, saying our perspective is, whatever you want to do, if it feels fun and exciting to you, go ahead and do it. Okay, so there isn't anything special about putting a limp penis into a vagina. Like, if it makes you feel closer and special, then that's great. Go ahead and do it. But it's not like there's some secret technique thing that, like, ooh, people are just catching on. Like, it's just. It's just a limp penis and a vagina.

[Xander Marin]

I mean, I got a comment here. There is something special in, like, if you Manage to get a limp penis into a vagina.

[Vanessa Marin]

That's what I was gonna talk about.

[Xander Marin]

That's a bit of an accomplishment. That's a bit of an accomplishment. We've tried this before in kind of the opposite way, like in the lead up to sex and that. It can actually be really fun. But it's a real challenge to get it in.

[Vanessa Marin]

It's quite difficult to get an un. Erect penis into a vagina. It's like trying to push putty into a jar. Like, you know those like gak jars you used to play with as a K gag? No.

[Xander Marin]

Where it farts.

[Vanessa Marin]

Like trying to smush it in.

[Xander Marin]

When you say gak, all I think of is farting. It makes fart noises, right?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. It's like penises need to be erect to like help them go in when they're soft. Like it's. It is putty. Like where you're just trying to. Yeah, you're trying to jab it in there, Jam it in the hole. Okay. So it's hard enough to just get it in there in the first place, but I actually am not sure it's possible to put it in and have it in all night long.

[Xander Marin]

It's hard to keep it there without it getting hard.

[Vanessa Marin]

You have to like, you have to be on top. Like the guy has to be on top to even like kind of rustle it in there in the first place.

[Xander Marin]

I hope you're watching on YouTube, by the way, Steven Nasses, Steveness's illustrations of this.

[Vanessa Marin]

We do have our podcast on YouTube, by the way, if you didn't know that. But yes, like, so he would have to be on top of you. This is though, ironically how I thought that couples slept when I was a kid. When I was like 8 years old or whatever. I thought, like, yeah, couples slept like male, female couples slept with the man on top of the woman. And you, like, that was how you slept.

[Xander Marin]

But you didn't think that I would sleep on you with my soft penis inside of me.

[Vanessa Marin]

I did not think that.

[Xander Marin]

That was not in the cards for.

[Vanessa Marin]

8 year old adults in that position. But also, like, we toss and turn a little bit as we sleep. So like that penis is going to come right out.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Also, most, most people don't want to fall asleep on their stomach. Also, like, where's your head gonna go? You can't put it on a pillow. Like my head just like on your head.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, maybe you could do it in like a spooning position. But again, there's no way it's Staying in sort of rustle. Yeah. Rustling around like you're gonna fall out right away.

[Xander Marin]

No, spooning is. Is a challenging position to get it in. Like, you need. There's like an. The ankle is not ideal. Yeah, you gotta be hard to keep it in. Spooning. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna go out on a limb there.

[Vanessa Marin]

Do you remember that woman who. She used to DM us like multiple times about, like, my husband and I, maybe we've even mentioned this on the podcast. So maybe this actually isn't a new one.

[Xander Marin]

Well, it was one. It was one person. It was a he.

[Vanessa Marin]

Hee hee. All night.

[Xander Marin]

We like to keep it in all night. Does anyone else like that?

[Vanessa Marin]

No, it wasn't that. Hers was. They like to just like, hang out on the couch and like, have him be. But no, that was hard. He would get hard and just like, enter her and they would just like, hang out that way, but not have sex and just watch tv.

[Xander Marin]

Like soaking.

[Vanessa Marin]

So this is a new. This is a new one. Yeah, I guess it's kind of like soaking, but yeah. So anyways, all this to say, I think it would be very difficult to have a penis in soft all night long. If you want to try, go for it. But there's not anything. Again, this is not like some special secret technique. This is just going to feel like you got some gak in the jar.

[Xander Marin]

Gak in the jar. Wow. That's a sickening, sickening visual and metaphor. You know what I will say, you know what? If you want to try this, I bet you will feel closer because you're not going to sleep neither. You're going to sleep at all. So you're probably going to end up talking. Hey, you might even end up having sex because honestly, like, you know, hey, we actually do kind of enjoy that. If you are able to get yourself in soft and start kind of rocking around and get things started, it's a real fun way to start sex. So you might feel closer because you're probably gonna have sex.

[Vanessa Marin]

It's not. Yeah, we tried that technique out for a Smasher pass episode. I don't remember which one, because we've done several Smasher passes. But that was the technique to, like, start soft. And we were actually pretty surprised. Yeah, it was a rare weird trick from the Internet that actually did kind of work.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, for sure. I mean, the other way I could see this working would be if you have sex right before bed. So you're hard, you have sex, you're already inside. That could be the way that this happens, and then you just pass out on top of each other. I, I, I'm just not buying anyone's getting any sleep like that.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, I, I really wouldn't think about this one too much. I wouldn't try it unless you're super excited about it.

[Xander Marin]

But, yeah, I mean, give it a try.

[Vanessa Marin]

If you're worried, report back.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Okay. Vanessa, let's go a little more, I don't know, pg. Is it normal? My husband and I don't kiss during sex.

[Vanessa Marin]

So we actually hate the word normal around here because, like, we can get philosophical about it. Like, who's to say what is normal? Like I said for the last question, like, we're all about whatever you want to do. Whatever feels good and fun and exciting to you. Do that thing. Who cares what other people do? So let's answer this in a different way. Is it common that you don't kiss during sex? No. Most people kiss during sex. And it's not, like, not constant mouth contact.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I think that's, that's an important.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Differentiator.

[Vanessa Marin]

You and I will kiss, but we're not. Okay, if we had to guess, what percentage of the time do you think we're kissing during intercourse? Let's specify intercourse.

[Xander Marin]

I think we kiss very little during intercourse. We kiss in the, in the lead up to sex, we often kiss kind of like during foreplay, like touching each other. Once we start intercourse, we barely ever kiss. And most of that is because of our height difference. It's. I have to really, I have to really bend my. I hope you're watching on YouTube again. I really have to do this to, like, get my chin all the way down and like, or, like, hunch my back.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. Or just be, like, in positions where you can't do it.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Or, I mean, like, if you're on top, I mean, yeah, I'll bend down.

[Vanessa Marin]

And, like, kiss you. That's easier.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, we'll kind of do, like, a kiss here and there.

[Vanessa Marin]

But, like, if you're in a position, like doggy style, like, you kind of can. If you're, like, really reaching around, but pretty much. No.

[Xander Marin]

I also find that if you, I mean, because we every now and then, we will kind of, like, get a little more into, like, a serious makeout while having intercourse. I feel like it is harder for me to, to last as long as I would like to. Like, it's easy to get a bit carried away because it's like, oh, there's a lot of sensation, and I'm like, you know, you have to kind of focus yourself on, like, on the kissing so that you don't kind of, like, screw up the kissing. And then it's easy for, like, your body to kind of like, things to get away from you.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, I'd say what we do is we have, like, kisses and then we break the contact and, you know, focus more on the intercourse and then come back and kiss again. But I think my guess is that this person is asking this question from a place of, like, we never kiss.

[Xander Marin]

And I wonder. I wonder if. I mean during intercourse, but I also wonder if they're meaning around, like, the entire process of having sex, whatever that looks like. And I mean, yeah, if. If you're. If you. Neither of you or one of you is really not into kissing, then, like, there's nothing wrong with that. However, I will. I mean, kissing is a really great way to bump up the intimacy factor. I mean, that's why people kiss. Like, it feels good, it feels intimate, it feels connecting. So if you're wanting to have connecting, intimate sex, it would make logical sense that you would want to do something that really gives you that feeling. Yeah, you know, I think that, you know, doing. Having sex, whatever it is, intercourse, hand jobs, blow jobs, whatever floats your boat. Like, doing that without. I mean, almost like, it almost feels like a friends with benefits arrangement where it's sort of like, all right, like, we want to get each other off, but, like, we don't really want to, like, catch feelings. And, you know, I think when people don't want to get feelings for each other, they very often avoid stuff like kissing or, like, looking at each other in the eyes too much because that's kind of where that stuff happens. So.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh, it's kind of sad. So, yeah, I mean, that can be.

[Xander Marin]

Hot, like, every now and then.

[Vanessa Marin]

But I also want to mention, like, some people have sensory issues around kissing where they just don't really like making out. Well, we will hear from people sometimes who are like, I feel super weird, but it's just not my thing. And if it's not your thing, then it's not your thing.

[Xander Marin]

But.

[Vanessa Marin]

But it does sound to me like this question is kind of coming from. My guess would be that it's coming from a place of, like, I would like us to kiss during sex, so. But I would recommend talking to your partner about this and letting him know that it is something that you would like to do.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I mean, I could also see this question coming from a. Like, hey, we, like, kiss a little bit at the beginning, but then Once we really get started, we're, like, not kissing at all. Is that weird? Because I think, like, when you see. When you see sex portrayed, like on TV and in the movies, I think there is often a lot of kissing going on. They're just trying to, like, portray everything all happening at once. So I could see someone thinking, like, oh, is it weird that we're, like, not making out during the act of. Of intercourse? And I would say no, there's nothing abnormal about that at all. Like, I think it's. It's pretty common. You're focusing on the actual, like, intercourse part of it rather than the kissing. Honestly, I find it hard to focus on both at the same time. So that is totally fine. But I think the bigger question is, are you getting the level of intimacy that feel good to you when you're having sex? If the answer is yes, then, hey, who cares if you're kissing or not? If you're. If you are not getting that level of intimacy, then, yeah, that would be worth a conversation with your partner.

[Vanessa Marin]

All right, we are joined by Chauncey and Maggie.

[Xander Marin]

You might have to lift her up a little bit.

[Vanessa Marin]

They're really sleepy.

[Xander Marin]

Hello.

[Vanessa Marin]

But we're waking them up from their naps because we gotta talk about their favorite podcast sponsor, Chewy. Chewy makes it easy to find everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy, because look how happy and healthy this little guy looks.

[Xander Marin]

This is a happy man right here.

[Vanessa Marin]

They have over a hundred thousand products from top pet brands all delivered to your door in one to two days. Their shipping is so freaking fast, it's crazy. So Chauncey and Maggie's favorite things from Chewy are the Bully Sticks. We buy these odorless, like, packs of Bully Sticks. Those things will keep them entertained for, like, an hour.

[Xander Marin]

Chauncey also enjoys literally any toy he can get his hands on.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh, yeah, they're both rescues. I don't think Chauncey had any toys in his past life. And so he really loves now.

[Xander Marin]

He gets a lot.

[Vanessa Marin]

Makes us really, really happy to be able to get him toys on Chewy. And we also get all of Maggie's medications through Chewy. We actually discovered this from our VE before Chewy was even a sponsor. So she has an allergy medicine that she has to take and she gets a shot for her arthritis monthly. And we get those through Chewy. Our vet was like, go through Chewy. It's cheaper than what we can offer you here. Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to chewy.compillows that's chewy.compillows. to save $20 on your first order shipping chewy.compillows minimum purchase required. New customers only. Terms and conditions apply. See site for complete details. If you follow us on Instagram. You know that my dad is a pretty special dude. He pops up from time to time with a random sex. Tip of the day or just a really weird dadism. He's just like such a lovable, sweet guy and I want to make Father's Day extra special for him. So that's why I am giving him a unique, heartfelt gift that'll truly make him feel loved. It's called Storyworth Memoirs. So here's how the process works. It is so simple and easy and really fun. So every week Storyworth emails your dad or your other loved one a memory provoking question and you get to help pick the question. So there are things like did you ever get into trouble in school? Or what were your favorite toys as a child? Your loved one just responds to that email with a story. They can type it, they can even record it over the phone and Storyworth will transcribe it for them. Seriously, it's so easy. You get emailed a copy of their response as they're submitted over the course of the year. So you get to like see all these stories come in throughout the year. And then at the end of the year, Storyworth compiles all of their stories and photos into a beautiful keepsake hardcover book. Photos are printed in color and it's just this incredible treasure that you'll be able to share and revisit for generations. We actually did Storyworth with both my parents and they had such a great time answering the questions. It provoked so many interesting conversations stations at our weekly family dinner night. It's really such a special gift. I know a lot of us like we want to give meaningful gifts, but far too often we lose our creativity and we wind up just getting socks and a sweater again. So I'm really excited for you to try out Storyworth. Give the dads in your life a unique heartfelt gift you'll all cherish for years. StoryWorth right now save 15 during their Father's Day sale. When you go to StoryWorth.com SL pillow, that's StoryWorth.com pillow to save $15 on your order. Okay, Xander, I think as someone who's just been around a sex therapist for many, many years, you could answer this one. What is Pegging.

[Xander Marin]

All right, let's just. I mean, we just got real straight down to business here. Pegging is when. Well, okay, now. Okay, now I'm like, second guessing myself. No, no, Peggy. I was like, you know, second guessing myself around, like, sort of like genders. Gender roles with pegging. Basically, pegging is when a man receives anal sex from a partner wearing a strap on.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yes.

[Xander Marin]

So it is specifically a strap on going into a man's butt.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. I mean, typically what it. Typically when people are talking about pegging, they are talking about a woman wearing a strap on, using it on her male body.

[Xander Marin]

It's like a reverse power dynamic.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. It could be someone of any gender just choosing to use a strap on. But, yeah, it's not just like anal sex. It's that there's a strap on being used.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, it's really what it is. It's like the experience of, like, a man getting fucked.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Because, like, I'm trying to draw a differentiation.

[Vanessa Marin]

Is a man getting fucked up. So, like, pegging is. It's. What's specific about it is that it's a straight being used.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, but is it more of a straight man? Like a straight man getting fucked? Because I don't think in the gay community, you know, like, people don't really talk about pegging.

[Vanessa Marin]

Well, yeah, yeah, typically. I mean, most commonly pegging is used in the context of a straight male female couple where they're choosing to play around with gender roles. You know, it feels kind of taboo and kinky and like, flipping. Flipping rolls in that sort of way. So she is penetrating him anally.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. And usually with a dildo. Because it's not like. Or like a strap on. Because it's usually. It's not like. It's not like, you know, just like a finger in the butt or a toy in the butt. People don't call that pegging.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, I mean, it's specifically a strap on, which is a dildo, which is a, like, phallus shape made out of some sort of material. And it's. You put it in a harness so that it, like, sticks to your body, basically where a penis would be. Yeah, it's like you can. It's not like you're not holding something in your hand, putting it into your partner. It's like strapped on, strap on. Strapped onto your body. So you can, like, hands free, you know, do some dusting.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. So the person giving it can basically have the experience of what it would be like to fuck somebody.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yes.

[Xander Marin]

If. As if they had a penis.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yes.

[Xander Marin]

That's really what we're talking about.

[Vanessa Marin]

But again, like the. There aren't any rules about, you know, you can only use it for a male, female couple. Like it could be for people of gender and it's not like you could use it for people of different sexual orientations or identities and all that kind of stuff. But yes, typically straight male, female couple doing this. So people like. The reason people like to try pegging is because it feels taboo and naughty. I think any sort of anal play still feels taboo and exciting in that.

[Xander Marin]

Way for people, but especially in the straight community.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. And especially like the role reversal of it. Like, oh, you're usually the one who's fucking me, but now I'm going to fuck you. There's also like total power play dynamics in it. And I do think, like, I. There's a part of me that wishes that every straight man did get pegged because the experience.

[Xander Marin]

Whoa, hot take, hot take from someone.

[Vanessa Marin]

Who, like, I have never pegged you. That hasn't ever been a part of our sex life. We're not, you know, interested in doing it. Super excited for people who want to, but just for us. It's not like something that is exciting, but I do think that it's. There's something about understanding what it's like to be fucked. Like, having somebody penetrate you with their body is a very vulnerable, very intimate experience. And I just think would be interesting. Like, I am interested in what it would be like to fuck somebody. Like to have a penis and be able to. Like, it sounds kind of fun, but I think particularly for men, being able to experience what it's like to be fucked up would be. I just think all men kind of should. Yeah, obviously, like.

[Xander Marin]

Well, I mean, we've certainly, we've certainly played around with like some other like, light anal play and it, it's certainly vulnerable. I'll say it.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, it's very. It's very vulnerable. And. And I also want to say people like playing around back door because there's nerve endings there. I know we have all these, you know, taboo elements around it, but the reality is there are nerve endings there. Just like there are nerve endings in the penis in a vulva and a vagina. Like, that's why people play around with it.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I mean, and especially men, more so than women, I think, are actually set up to potentially have an orgasm from anal penetration because the prostate can get stimulated, which actually can create a totally different kind of orgasm for a man.

[Vanessa Marin]

So that's pegging, friends. That's pegging if you're curious about it, peg away. Definitely something we're trying. I think we have some ancient blog post articles on our [e-mail] and kind of watch.

[Xander Marin]

You really want to ask people to search for that?

[Vanessa Marin]

Sure, go for it. It. I remember like giving instructions for how to find. The thing about pegging is it's a little bit difficult because there's. You have to like buy a lot of equipment to do it. So it's kind of a high bar for.

[Xander Marin]

It's not a casual thing.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. Unless you're like, that sounds really hot to me. I want to do it.

[Xander Marin]

And you already have a strap on sitting around.

[Vanessa Marin]

It's a high bar. But you know, we always want to encourage experimentation and exploration.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I mean, it's a whole experience. Okay, let's continue. Is it normal for things to be better than sex? For me, sex is rarely mind blowing. So I assume by sex they mean intercourse.

[Vanessa Marin]

Well, I think they mean any sort of sex. It doesn't have to just be intercourse.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, oh, oh. I totally read this as like, is it normal for sexual things to be better than intercourse? I mean, we could answer both of both of these. No.

[Vanessa Marin]

You know how like when people say like, oh my God, that chocolate cake is better than sex?

[Xander Marin]

Yes.

[Vanessa Marin]

They're saying like, yeah. Is that common? Because for them it sounds like a lot of things are better than sex.

[Xander Marin]

Ahaha.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, so this is actually a really interesting question. I mean, the first place that my brain goes to is sex should be mind blowing. And for most of us, like, I mean, this is the reason why our business exists. It's because we all, most of us want to be having sex. We want to have sex that's mind blowing and passionate and connecting and intimate. But we were never taught how to. So we're all just kind of flying blind here trying to figure out how am I supposed to make this experience as good as it's supposed to be. As good as I hear other people saying it's supposed to be, or I see in tv, in the movies, which is problematic in and of itself, but.

[Xander Marin]

And especially for women. Especially for women because. Especially for women because it is absolutely possible for men to be having sex that is less than mind blowing. But for the vast, vast, vast majority of, of men, like they have learned. We have learned how to bring ourselves to orgasm from a very early age. The whatever sex act we do, whether it's hand job, blowjob or intercourse, it is tailored to the very specific part on our body that is going to make us orgasm quickest and best. And so it's like very challenging for a man to be struggling to have the kind of sex that's going to bring him an orgasm. So for the most part, yeah, maybe you're not having very good, good orgasms or you're coming too fast because like often, like a super quick orgasm may not be as good as one that you know where it took a little longer to get there. So that is totally possible. But for the most part. For the most part, if we could read between the lines here, I think we are talking mainly about women who are probably not consistently having orgasm. And so in that context, if you're not feeling very much, is it possible for things to be better than sex?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. So like I would compare this to just being in a kitchen and having no clue what you're doing. And like, okay, I feel like I'm. Food's supposed to be good. I'm supposed to be able to cook something, but like, I don't know how to use this knife and I don't know what temperature these pots need to.

[Xander Marin]

Go in, what items of food go together.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. So it's like, yeah, having zero experience cooking but trying to figure out how to make this gourmet, Michelin star worthy menu. So that's why we do what we do and that's why we have so many of the guides that we have, like our ultimate foreplay guides, our ultimate sex guides. Like those are like cookbooks. They're recipes in them that like explicitly lead you through. Here's exactly what to do. Do this with your hand. Put your leg here. Like it shows you exactly what to do. The same way that a recipe is like, you know, take a tablespoon of butter and cut this up into, you know, finely chopped cubes. That's, you know, so that's what we do. That's why we do it. So yes, like sex absolutely should be pleasurable and mind blowing.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, highly pleasurable. Orgasms in general are highly pleasurable when done correctly.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay. But then my brain also kind of wants to go to like, so what, what are some of the things for you that are better than sex?

[Xander Marin]

Oh man. I mean.

[Vanessa Marin]

I wouldn't say like very little.

[Xander Marin]

Like actually.

[Vanessa Marin]

No. Like, is there anything. Okay. Think about like your best orgasm? Well, yeah, because anything that feels better than that.

[Xander Marin]

Well, I think that this is, I think that this is the big differentiator here, is that when you're talking about. Okay, so sex can last a while. Right? Like we could be having Intercourse for a while and it could be feeling pretty good for a while and pretty damn exciting. Then there's the orgasm. The orgasm is really, really, really, really good for a very short amount of time. So if you're talking about like the bang for your buck, what like 10 to 20 seconds max for most men. Right. So I'm like, okay, I mean, two to. Yeah, okay. So like anything. Can I think of anything that is that good over a 2 to 10 or 22nd period? No, I can't.

[Vanessa Marin]

Winning the lottery.

[Xander Marin]

I don't know, I've never won the lottery, but like, but I think I.

[Vanessa Marin]

Might enjoy winning the lottery more than my best orgasm.

[Xander Marin]

Really? I don't think I would. I mean it's like winning the lottery.

[Vanessa Marin]

Get out of here.

[Xander Marin]

But that's like, that's like theoretical pleasure. It's not like something that actually feels good. I mean, get out of here.

[Vanessa Marin]

You wouldn't trade winning the lottery for one orgasm?

[Xander Marin]

No, no, no. Then now you're saying actually winning the lottery rather than like the feeling that that's gonna give you.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, actually winning the lottery. Is that better than sex?

[Xander Marin]

Sure. How much money? What's the winning for?

[Vanessa Marin]

Like one for one orgasm?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, like, like a thousand dollar lottery win or like a million dollar lottery win or a ten million dollar lottery win?

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, fuck, that's a good question. I mean winning any money is pretty pleasurable. But I don't know, maybe a thousand.

[Xander Marin]

A thousand dollars? Wow.

[Vanessa Marin]

That's all I'm worth to you for one singular org. I mean, if you want to say like how much money would you have to be paid to never orgasm again?

[Xander Marin]

That number would be absolutely different story.

[Vanessa Marin]

But a number of like what, winning this amount of money would be more pleasurable than one single orgasm? Yeah, probably like $1,000. Okay.

[Xander Marin]

I just, I think for me like looking at sort of second for second, how highly and intensely pleasurable an orgasm is, it's hard to imagine something else like in that short amount of time, like feeling that way. But on the other hand, I think that there's a different level of satisfaction or pleasure or happiness that I get out of other things. Like, like when I, when I have like a really, really exceptional surf session or something, I feel, I feel like on top of the world for like 24 hours afterwards. Like at least the whole rest of the day. And you know, and like, and like if I kick out of a exceptionally good wave or something, I'm like on top of the world for like a couple of minutes as I'm Paddling back out. But it's not the same kind of pleasure. It's. I guess it's a matter of what type of pleasure or enjoyment do you prefer? I mean, I do really love that feeling of fulfillment and just like, oh, yes, I did that.

[Vanessa Marin]

Is there any food for you that is better than sex? Because I feel like that's where I hear this comment the most often. It's always, like, on a recipe of like. It's like, this pineapple upside down cake is better than sex.

[Xander Marin]

I thought you were going all in with the accent there and you kind of.

[Vanessa Marin]

Oh, doing an accent.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, you did. I thought. I thought you were gonna do more of a southern accent and you just kind of pinched it off.

[Vanessa Marin]

I think southerners don't have good sex. They're just enjoying their pineapple upside down cake more than their sex.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. You know what? Honestly, I think people that are saying, like, this, whatever, food is better than sex, I guess it's a. It's a figure of speech. It's a figure of speech because it's one of those things where it's like, you know, it's not really true, but it's like. Like, you know, it's something that makes it sound controversial or, like, sound like, oh, yeah, that must be really good. I think it's just literally, X is better than sex is, like, just like a figure. It's literally.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, but I want to know the. So you've never had any food that you would say is better than sex? Like, I'd rather eat this food than have sex.

[Xander Marin]

I don't know. I mean, there's like, every now and then I'll have a bite of something, like, at a really good restaurant where I'm just like. Like, oh, that's so good. But, like, that just. Oh, that lasts. That lasts for like a second or two.

[Vanessa Marin]

Huh. But it's not more pleasurable than sex.

[Xander Marin]

No, I mean, I. But like, an orgasm lasts long. A really good orgasm for me lasts a lot longer than that.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, I don't think. I don't think I would say there's.

[Xander Marin]

And then I still feel great, like, for a while after that. Orgasm.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, I would say there's.

[Xander Marin]

And there's a whole experience before that, which could be, you know, a while if we're taking our time.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, so, yeah, there's. There's our answer. Okay, this is another one for you.

[Xander Marin]

There's a lot for me here.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. You know, I just wanted to throw you a bun.

[Xander Marin]

Great.

[Vanessa Marin]

Does having a vasectomy make you Less of a man trying to decide if I want to get one.

[Xander Marin]

I don't know. Am I less of a man, bro? Is that what you're saying?

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, you tell me.

[Xander Marin]

No. Vasectomy doesn't make you any less of a man. I have a vasectomy. I honestly feel like more of a man now that I have one, because I. I get to just. I just get to. I just get to, you know, do whatever I want, wherever I want it, no consequences, Baby, you've been doing that.

[Vanessa Marin]

For a long time, though, because I have been the bearer of our birth control methods.

[Xander Marin]

I know. Now you're not. Now I am. I. I was gonna say something really crude, and then I was like, I don't want to say that on this podcast. It's too full.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, I'm curious.

[Xander Marin]

I was gonna be like, I just blow my load anywhere. It doesn't matter. Oh, I mean, it does matter, but. But I'm not gonna get anybody pregnant.

[Vanessa Marin]

Well, you're not gonna get. Yeah, you're not gonna get anybody. Wait, hold on a second. Where else are you blowing your load?

[Xander Marin]

I'm thinking of those, like, ridiculous, like, horror stories, like, oh, someone sat on a toilet seat and bl.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, that's the fake. Like, fake.

[Xander Marin]

Like, fake things.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yes, that's fake.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

You better not be. I'm not gonna be getting anybody else.

[Xander Marin]

I'm sure not.

[Vanessa Marin]

Not getting anybody pregnant. Okay, but for real, talk about this, because this is a concern that a lot of men have. Why do you think men think this?

[Xander Marin]

I mean, I think that there is so. Okay. I think that men think that it's going to, like, impact their hormone levels or, like, their testosterone levels. I mean, I think what the tricky thing is that often around the age that men are getting vasectomies are. Is around the time that men's hormone levels, or testosterone specifically, do start to decline. I mean, like, I actually started testosterone replacement therapy around that same time. But, like. But, like, the vasectomy is not impacting your testosterone levels at all.

[Vanessa Marin]

Also, some men are really confused about what the procedure entails.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, a lot of men don't realize, like, I think some men think, like, their balls are getting cut off. That is not happening. My balls are exactly. Like, my balls were unimpacted by this vasectomy. A very, very, very tiny incision and, like, a tube is basically cut and cauterized, and then you're sewed right back up. You, like. You know, you're supposed to just sit on the couch for A couple of days so that the stitches don't tear and basically like ice the area. You don't need any, like serious painkillers. There's like, really?

[Vanessa Marin]

Although I will say men get way better post care instructions than we women get for our IUDs. Like, I cannot believe I got an IUD inserted with zero pain medication. And like, we have a lot of friends who were offered pain medication for vasectomies before and after. Like, I passed out during the procedure. It was so excruciatingly painful. So I just have to say I'm a little salty about that. It's definitely unfair. But yeah, okay. So you're. You don't lose your balls. Also, the whole shooting blanks thing.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. So we say another figure of speech which doesn't help. Shooting blanks is unfortunately a figure of speech that is confusing. So people will say a man who has had a vasectomy is shooting blanks. And what that means is that his cum can't get you pregnant. There is no semen in the cum.

[Vanessa Marin]

But a lot of people think that it means like, you have an orgasm and nothing comes out.

[Xander Marin]

So, yeah, that is the problem is that a lot of people here shooting blanks and they think, oh, nothing is coming out. Like I'm still having an orgasm, but like, nothing comes out of my penis. And that could not be further from the truth. Yeah. So there is actually 2 to 5% of the total ejaculate that a man has is actual semen sperm. So, I mean, I would challenge you swim. Yeah. Swimmers, the. The live rounds, if you will. So, I mean, I would challenge you to take any amount of liquid or solid, remove 2 to 5% of it and then try to visually spot the difference.

[Vanessa Marin]

But also, as a woman, I just wanna say we do not care about the volume of your ejaculate.

[Xander Marin]

And in fact, you'd probably prefer theirs less.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yes, I know. Men get this into their heads cause they see it on porn and it's that visual of a huge load.

[Xander Marin]

My loads are gonna be smaller, bro. By 2 to 5%.

[Vanessa Marin]

It's not what women want. I don't care about the size of your load. I've never noticed the size of your load. It doesn't turn me on more to know there's more ejaculate there, like you said. Yeah. If anything, I wish there was less because it makes a mess. Not that sex is like a bad messy thing. It's just natural thing that happens. But like, it would be more convenient if there was less of it slowly making its way out of my body in the days after having sex.

[Xander Marin]

Very fair.

[Vanessa Marin]

So men, we don't care about your loads.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Now I do think that also men get in their head about like, oh, I'm not virile anymore, which I don't know to me that we said, like, look, I mean, just. Well, I'll be honest here. We don't have kids. We've decided that we are not ever going to have kids. We want to be child free. So I don't know what that experience is. Like, we talked about things that were better than sex or like feeling satisfaction. I can totally imagine how there could be this real high sense of satisfaction of like, you know, of like, I did that I got my partner pregnant. Like, I made that my, you know, this child here. And so I can see that there is definitely some validation in a way of like, yeah, like you, you are a fertile person that was able to do that.

[Vanessa Marin]

Fertile Myrtle.

[Xander Marin]

So, yes, having a fit to me will take that away from you. But presumably, hopefully, well, yeah, but presumably, hopefully you are only getting a vasectomy because you don't want to have another kid. You do not want to be virile anymore. So honestly, I think that the men who are struggling with that, honestly, I think that you are probably struggling. You're. You might be saying, yeah, I don't want to have any kids anymore. But like, I think there's probably a part of you that is struggling with the finality of that decision. So to me, when somebody raises that as like, as their concern, my question is, hey, it seems like you're not really sure about this, so you probably shouldn't get a vasectomy yet, but you also shouldn't tell your partner, oh, yeah, like, I'm totally done. Like, it sounds like you have some unfinished business that you gotta, you should, gotta work out with your partner.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. We do have two podcast episodes about your vasectomy journey, if anybody is interested. If you want to learn more, I highly recommend listening to those. But what is your tldr of a vasectomy?

[Xander Marin]

Great. Highly recommend. I mean, honestly, it feels really good to be like, hey, I'm taking care of the birth control now. You've done it for so many years. It's really good to be able to contribute in that way, be of service to your, you know, to your. If you have a female partner who's probably taking that burden on for a very long time and, and probably their body has taken a lot of abuse from that. Most, most people unfortunately are on hormonal birth control, which wreaks all kinds of havoc. You were not on a hormonal iud, but that still wreaked havoc, like physical pain with you. And, you know, at times, every now and then, like, you, we could feel it having sex.

[Vanessa Marin]

You know what's weird? Like, men have a lot of men have complexes around, like, being protectors. So why don't you have a complex around, like, protecting us dainty, delicate women from all the negative impacts of birth.

[Xander Marin]

Control or protecting you from getting pregnant if you don't want to get her pregnant?

[Vanessa Marin]

To be clear, I'm not saying that we women are dainty and delicate and are in need of protecting. I'm being facetious here, but it is kind of funny that there's this whole complex, but not in an area that actually would benefit me.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. So I don't know. Highly recommendations, guys. Step up to the plate. Be a man. Get a vasectomy when you are done having kids.

[Vanessa Marin]

Or if you don't have any at all.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Or yeah, when you're done. Or you've decided you don't want any.

[Vanessa Marin]

If you're like us. When you get busy, figuring out what to eat feels like torture. Like, we love food. We actually love preparing food and like, sharing an experience with each other.

[Xander Marin]

When there's time.

[Vanessa Marin]

When there's time. But, like, sometimes it feels so exhausting, you just don't have the time or energy. And that's not even thinking about trying to eat healthy. That's like anything. So that's why we are so excited to tell you about hungryroot because they help us eat healthy and quickly, even in those super stressful times. It's actually hard for me to talk about Hungryroot like, in a concise way because they have so much to offer. They have 15,000 recipes shipped each week. There's so many options that you can choose from. And their meals can be made, most of them in 15 minutes or less. But super high quality ingredients, really creative pairings. They take food from so many brands that we love and buy ourselves, but help you, like, combine them into meals that you just never would have thought of.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. So it's not like your typical meal kit where you choose the meals and then you prep everything. It's like they're sending you a variety of prepackaged and fresh things that you are quickly throwing together into a meal, which is why there are so many things. It's like the sky is really the limit with all the combinations that are possible. They just help you identify These are the combinations that go really well together. And you know, this one takes five minutes, this one takes 10 minutes and then they get you all the supplies.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. And I will say they do make it really easy for you to choose. Like there are these great filters that you can use to talk about your dietary restrictions, your preferences, how you want to eat, all kinds of stuff. And it's more than just meal kits too. Like you can also grab groceries, sweets, there are full on ready to eat meals, salad kits, even supplements like meat. They have everything. It's kind of like your groceries, your personal shopper, your meal prep all in one. We love Hungryroot and we have an exclusive offer to give you. For a limited time you can get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box box for life. Go to hungryroot.compillow and use code PILLOW. That's hungryroot.compillow code PILLOW to get 40 off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Hungryroot.com Pillow Code Pillow let's talk about sleep. Sleep is one of the most crucial parts of our health. But so many of us overlook it or we're just not getting the quality sleep that we need. And it especially can affect our relationships. Like when you are cranky, when you haven't slept well, you are so much more likely to argue with your partner. Just be frustrated with like we've all been there. A good night of sleep really can help fix so many relationship challenges. So that's why we rely on Beam's Dream Powder. It's a healthy nighttime blend designed for people who take take their sleep health seriously. With science backed ingredients like Reishi, magnesium, L theanine, apigenin and melatonin. Beam's Dream Powder is formulated to help you fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer and wake up sharp without the grogginess of other sleep aids. Plus, Beam tastes incredible. We have the cinnamon cocoa flavor. It's just such a nice tasty little treat yourself drink at the end of your night. Beam has already improved over 17.5 million nights of sleep, helping people across the country wake up and feel their best. And right now Beam is offering up to 40% off their best selling dream powder for our listeners. Perfect timing. To lock in your summer sleep Strategy, go to shopbeam.com pillow and use code Pillow at checkout. That's shop b e a m.com pillow and use code pillow for up to 40% off off. Grab the deal and give your sleep the same attention you give the rest of your health today.

[Xander Marin]

Okay. Vanessa, does using a penis pump have a negative impact after use?

[Vanessa Marin]

Great question.

[Xander Marin]

Let's just get right into that. I'm asking for a friend a lot.

[Vanessa Marin]

Of penis related questions today. Actually, I was just realizing. Okay, so penis pump penicrums can. Like, there are risks associated with them for sure. Just like any other, you know, toy or utensil instrument that you might use in the bedroom. Like, there are always potential risks.

[Xander Marin]

I mean, just imagine you're using pressure basically thinking like broken blood vessels.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, that's one of the main ones. So if you never heard of a penis pump before, it's literally what it sounds like. It's a pump that you. It's like a tube. You put it over your penis and you use this pump to pull. It basically pulls.

[Xander Marin]

Suction.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, suction. It pulls blood into the penis. Blood is what makes us. Makes us. Makes men have erections.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. You are not pumping the penis up from the inside.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

You are using external pressure.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

So is it kind of wild to think about, like, do you actually want to be applying so much pressure on your body part that it's like sucking blood from elsewhere in your body into there?

[Vanessa Marin]

So they are most often used to treat erectile dysfunction. Like men who are struggling to get hard for variety of reasons. Could be medical medication, could be psychological. As a sex therapist, it's not one of my favorite interventions. Like, it's not something I've ever recommended a client do. But I also am not a medical doctor, so I don't work with a lot of those, you know, more extreme, like, medical situations. So there for sure are some cases where they can be really beneficial. I don't think they're terrible. They're just not one of my, like, you know, first line of defense type of situations. But yeah, in general, they are pretty safe. But you do want to be careful about the amount of pressure that you're creating. Like, you can lead to bruising. You can have pain. If you've like, pumped yourself up too much sometimes there can be like a little bit of numbness afterwards. You can have like, break blood vessels and you get like little, like little red dots on your skin from, like, the blood vessels breaking underneath the surface of the skin. So those are the main ones. But in general, if you're using it, like, if you're not overdoing it, if you keep pumping, pumping, pumping, and you're like, starting to feel pain and so much pressure, like, of course that can be causing some issues. But in general, they're they typically are pretty safe. But I would talk to a medical doctor before using one.

[Xander Marin]

No, I think there are plenty of people that. That are curious about using these outside of medical advice in terms of just, like, temporary penis enlargement. Right.

[Vanessa Marin]

Some people use them for that reason. It's not real. That's not really what they're made for. They're made for just getting an erection. They're not gonna help you. Like, they're not gonna actually make anybody bigger. You're gonna get an erection, so you'll be bigger than you are soft, but it's not like it's stretching out the size of your penis and making it any bigger. All right, so tell your friends.

[Xander Marin]

Okay. He's disappointed, but, you know, he does have a question, though, about some pills that he saw online. No, I'm just kidding.

[Vanessa Marin]

How about we go back to you. Are men lying when they say they like sex the same after a woman gives birth speak for all men?

[Xander Marin]

Well, I mean, look, I cannot speak for myself because that is not the situation that we are in. But. But this is such a tough one because we so often hear from the flip side of, you know, this concern of, oh, my God, like, is my. Like, is my vagina going to be stretched out after childbirth? Right. And, you know, unfortunately, we do hear from some men that say really awful things to their partners after childbirth about, like, how they're not satisfied. Look, I think if a guy is saying that he is just as satisfied, he's just as satisfied for the most part. Like, childbirth is not actually permanently stretching your vagina out. And there are things that you can do, like pelvic floor physiotherapy, to get the kind of, like, muscle.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, so first I just have to come in here and say, the vagina is incredible. It is meant to flex and stretch. Like, it is designed for fetuses to be able to shoot out it and for it to go back to normal.

[Xander Marin]

Shoot out?

[Vanessa Marin]

Shoot's not, like, not the right word for that, but to, you know, be birthed and then to go back to normal. So you can have trauma from childbirth. You can have tearing. You can have, like, muscular issues. And so like you were saying, pelvic floor. Physical therapy can be a great option if you, you know, did have any sort of medical issue that happened around the birth or you're feeling, like things are just not feeling the same for you. But in general, like, the vagina really is meant to go back to normal. And this question is really coming from. We women have been taught to be so self conscious about the tightness or looseness of our vaginas. I mean, you would hear that, like, that would be an insult on the, you know, inside in school all the time, like, oh, she's so loose and stuff like that.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. I hate to break it to you, but yeah, penises are not loosening up vaginas.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, they absolutely are not.

[Xander Marin]

So I think especially the idea that, like, the more men that she has sex with will somehow loosen her up. But if she is in a monogamous relationship and has a lot of sex with one person, that somehow that doesn't.

[Vanessa Marin]

The logic doesn't logic not how it works at all. I think we've talked before about this meme that we like to post every once in a while that's like, it tries to flip this whole idea on its head. And it's a picture of a sausage. And it's like, this is the sauce. This is the penis of a virgin. It's like a big plump sausage, like, whose penis has never been squished by a vagina. And then it shows like this little like skinny little cocktail weenie. And it's like, this is the penis of a man who's had a lot of sex and it's been crushed in the vaginas. Like, it's such a funny meme. And like, obviously that's not real. Nobody ever talks about penises being crushed. Like, oh, you've had so much sex, your penis has been crushed and it's just this tiny little thing. So why are we talking about, oh, you've had so much sex, you've had a baby and now your vagina's all loose. It's like, get out of here. You can't have it one way, but not the other. So all that to say is, for the most part, the vagina really does go back to normal after giving birth. And the anxiety that you're having about your vagina is, is not based in reality. It's based in all this bullshit crappy socialization that you received. You're fine. And yeah, if you're part. So I, I almost cut you off when you were saying, like, some men have said really shitty things. We have, like, very rarely. Like, I didn't want to. I almost cut you off from saying that because I was like, I didn't want to cause more anxiety for women. Like, I'm talking about very rare, a handful of times across years, you know, we've had women say, like, my husband told me that, like, it doesn't feel the same or like it feels looser. And like, that was a fucked up thing to say. That's not kind. Especially if someone has just birthed your child. Like, fuck you. But again, that's very rare. That is not like every man secretly on the side, like, oh, my God. Actually, like, her vagina is totally loose. So I will say that as well. And yeah, if your partner, like, like, is saying to you, it sounds like, what if we read behind the lines, between the lines, it sounds like this person, your partner is telling you, I like sex the same, and you're not wanting to believe him. So. Yeah, just believe him. Yeah, I think he's telling you the truth.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Why would he be lying to you? All right, Vanessa. How to participate when he's on top. I assume this is coming from a woman saying, I'm on the bottom. How do I participate when he is on top of me?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, and I love this question because again, it goes back to, like, the mechanics of sex. All these technical details that we feel like we should know.

[Xander Marin]

But who taught you?

[Vanessa Marin]

Who taught you? That's why we're here. And don't forget, you can check out all of our guides and resources in Deeper. We'll tell you a little bit more about that in a few minutes.

[Xander Marin]

Get that training no one ever gave you.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, we'll put the link for it in the show notes too, so you can hop right over there. So, okay, let's talk about how to participate. So I love that you're asking this question because we do hear from a lot of men saying, I feel like my partner doesn't really engage with me during intercourse. Like, lifting up, he's doing his thing and she's just kind of lying there, not enthusiastic, not really participating. And it does go back to, you know, we've talked a little bit about how women in male, female relationships are having way less pleasure, way fewer orgasms. So we also need to talk about the fact that, like, intercourse in particular tends to not be the most pleasurable activity for women. Like, 91% of women say it's not their favorite, favorite activity.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, definitely not until. Not until you get the involved.

[Vanessa Marin]

Well, not until you get our ultimate sex guides involved and learn how to make it more pleasurable for women. But yeah, so all that, like, it's complicated. It's not just that women are, like, being lazy and lying there. A lot of it's like, we don't know what to do or we're feeling bad because we're not feeling pleasure and we're feeling like something's broken with us, or we're having sex that we don't actually want to be having because we feel like we're supposed to. That's our womanly duty. So. So this is actually a very complicated question that there could be a lot, like, layered up into, but I.

[Xander Marin]

Or there could also just be the, like, oh, well, like, I'm. Aren't I supposed to just, like, let him do his thing?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, so. But no, you're not supposed to just let him do his thing.

[Xander Marin]

Unless. Unless that is very specifically what you guys want or, like, what he is want. He has a fantasy of, like, I want to, like, do this. And you talk about it, and you're like, okay, cool. I'm gonna. Like, I'm gonna. Let's kind of play this scene out where, like, I'm just lying there. There.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. I mean, that's very niche.

[Xander Marin]

That's very niche. So I'm saying, like, unless. Unless your partner is literally asking for the experience of that of you doing nothing.

[Vanessa Marin]

That's okay. Anyways, you should be. Even though your partner is the one who's on top and kind of, like, maybe a little more in control of it, you can and should still be participating in the sex that the two of you are having. So let's just go over a bunch of different things that you could do. You could use your hips to kind of, like, push back into his thrust. Like, match his thrusts. That can be really fun. Use your hands to just touch all over his body. Make eye contact with him. Talk dirty to him. Pull him in for a kiss. You could grab him and flip him over into a different position. Oh. Take control. Take control of yourself. What else could you do to participate? Right. What would feel good for you as a man?

[Xander Marin]

I mean, like, making some amount of noise.

[Vanessa Marin]

Noise. Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Assuming it's feeling good.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

Even if it's not. If it's not feeling good, then get the ultimate sex guide and start implementing things that are going to make it feel better for you if you are having intercourse that is not enjoyable. Like, we are not saying do these things to put on an act.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. No, no, no.

[Xander Marin]

So it's like, if. If none of the things that Vanessa just suggested. If. If all those things sound crazy to you. Cause you're like, well, that would be so out of alignment with how I'm feeling. That's not an integrity. With, like, the way I'm actually feeling, then let's work on fixing the way that you are feeling, because there are ways that we can make this experience Much better. Even if intercourse really isn't the most pleasurable activity for you, there are a lot of ways that we can augment it to start making it. It a lot more pleasurable and then doing these things start to feel a lot better. But, yeah, I mean, just sort of like making some amount of noise, like verbal feedback, whether that's talking dirty or just like, moans that are aligned with how you are actually feeling. I think, you know, that's something that we do hear from a lot of men where it's like, I cannot tell what is going on with her when we're doing. I can't tell if she's enjoying it. I can't tell if I'm going, like, in the right direction or the wrong direction in terms of, like, bringing her more or less pleasure. It feels like I'm kind of all alone, and then I'm just like, okay, well, then I guess I'm just doing this for me because I'm already here. So. Yeah, I think it's just really being there with him, like, energetically.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

And noise, talking, talking. Hormones can go a really long way, especially with just some physical feedback of, like, touching and moving a little bit, even if it's not in, like, perfect harmony with him. Because you can't really move. Move that much when you're on the bottom.

[Vanessa Marin]

No, it's just. It's just like rocking your hips, like a little pelvic tilt, like slightly back and forth.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Or like, you know, kind of squeeze. Like, do some Kegels.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, A little squeeze could be nice.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. I will say, I do think, like, when you're trying to. When both partners are trying to, like, thrust and you're on different rhythms, that can be a little weird. So, like, you do want to make sure you're doing it at the same time, but it's. Yeah. When you're on the bottom, it's a subtle thing.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Or, I mean, you know, try moving a little bit and being like. Like, hey, like, do you. Do you like that? Or, you know, try. Try to get some feedback. Like, oh, is. Is that good for you? Or, you know, or do you, like, do you need me to be a little more still?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

And then maybe shift to some of the other things.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. If you're loving the podcast and wondering, okay, but how do I actually put this into practice in my relationship?

[Xander Marin]

Well, then you're definitely going to want to check out our membership deeper. It is, hands down, the best and the most affordable way to take your relationship from good to great inside we.

[Vanessa Marin]

Guide you through our five keys to everyday communication, connection, desire, pleasure and exploration.

[Xander Marin]

And we give you the expert tools you need to strengthen each one. And on top of that, you'll also get access to our core library of courses and guides like the Ultimate Foreplay Guides, the Ultimate Sex Guide, Art of Initiation, and so, so much more.

[Vanessa Marin]

Plus, we drop two brand new date ideas every month. You get daily. Would you rather prompts, monthly live calls with us and fun intimacy challenges to keep your momentum going?

[Xander Marin]

And oh yeah, Vanessa AI is there too. Your personal on demand sex and relationship coach that is trained on everything, literally everything that we've ever created. So ask her anything, including get instant expert backed answers.

[Vanessa Marin]

So if you're ready to communicate better, feel more connected and turn up the heat on your sex life, head over.

[Xander Marin]

To VM therapy.com deeper and use code pillow for 25% off your first month. Just for pillow talks listeners. All right, now finally, let's end with this one. Vanessa, can responsive slash spontaneous desire be taught? Like, can you switch from one to the other in life?

[Vanessa Marin]

No, you can't. So spontaneous and responsive desire are the two sex drive types. We talk about them often on Instagram, but we've never done a podcast episode about them. So let us know if you want a full podcast breakdown. Come over to Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Xanderander with an X and just send us a DM because I'm curious to know if people are into this, but they're the two sex drive types. Basically, where they boil down to is where you feel desire first in your brain or in your body. Most people think desire is supposed to be spontaneous, but responsive desire is just as much of a thing, especially for women. Especially for women. Research shows that about 75% of women have responsive desire. So whenever people hear us talk about this, they inevitably are like, okay, but how do I get spontaneous? But spontaneous isn't better than responsive. It's just different. They both have their pros, they both have their challenges. So one is not better than the other. And what this model is really meant to do is help normalize that desire works in different ways for different people. And it's not even this rigid, like you're just spontaneous or just responsive. Everybody can experience both kinds. It's not meant to put us in boxes, but in general, it's meant to normalize that some of us need to feel physical arousal first before mental desire starts to kick in and we start thinking like, like, oh, this is feeling good. I should have more of this. Let's keep going. So you can't. Yeah, you can't, like, really teach yourself or, like, switch your desire type. But again, if you want us to do a podcast episode, we can break down, like, what the two types are, how they work. And inevitably, in every relationship, there's, like, one partner who's responsive and one partner who's spontaneous. So we can talk about how to make sure, how to create an environment for both of your desires to flourish.

[Xander Marin]

I think that there are definitely some way. Yeah, I don't know if I would go as far as to say that, like, you can switch them, but there's definitely some ways, if you are a responsive type, to be able to sort of, like, short circuit it, so to speak, or, like, to. To really decrease the amount of time, I think, to, like, jump from being, like, not thinking about sex to be thinking about sex. I think that the. When we think of responsive desire, there.

[Vanessa Marin]

Are ways to work with your desire.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, there's ways to work with it and really make it almost in many ways, feel more spontaneous. But. But, yeah, it's like, you're not gonna just, like, wake up one day being kind of, like, your brain wired totally differently.

[Vanessa Marin]

All right, well, that brings us to an end of this round of Ask a Sex Therapist. Thank you so much for listening, and join us again. And next week, we release new episodes every Thursday.