← Pillow Talks
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- [00:01]
A
Ladies, has your partner ever asked you to take control in the bedroom and your brain just immediately short circuited? Like, if you've ever felt awkward, totally frozen up, had no clue what taking control even means, you are definitely not alone. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.
- [00:34]
B
Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.
- [00:42]
A
Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. In today's episode, we are diving into the many reasons why women tend to default to passivity in the bedroom. How we're socialized to protect male egos, to avoid rocking the boat, to wait for our partners to take the lead. Because here's the thing, like, letting go of that script isn't just liberating. It can also transform your connection, your pleasure, and your confidence.
- [01:26]
B
And also, it can transform the way that your partner experiences sex with you, too. Like, I think that. I think that, yeah, like, when both partners take an active role, like, it can greatly increase the enjoyment for the other partner just as much.
- [01:42]
A
So in today's episode, we're asking the question, are you letting sex happen to you or are you being an active participant in the experience?
- [01:53]
B
And we're also going to talk about what this is like from the male perspective. So, like, what does it feel like if you're the only one initiating or if you're the only one kind of like guiding things along when you're having sex? And for men, like, do men want their partners to be more engaged? And if they do, spoiler alert. They do because we're doing this podcast episode. But if they do, what does that even look like?
- [02:15]
A
So whether you've never taken the lead before or you're just looking to feel a little bit more empowered and participatory, this episode is your permission slip and your how to guide. Okay, so first, let's talk about why is it so hard for women to take the lead? Like, why do we hold back in the bedroom? I think so much of this has to do with cultural conditioning. And let's talk about relationships between men and women in particular. Like, we are really socialized as women to believe that men are supposed to take the lead. Like, men are supposed to be the initiators, they're supposed to lead the interaction, and we're supposed to, like, allow them to do that. So even if we rationally, in our minds, don't want sex to be that way, we've been told our entire lives that, like, that's what sex is supposed to look like. So when we try to, like, get out of that narrative, it can feel really uncomfortable for so many of us.
- [03:12]
B
Yeah, I mean, or at the very least, I think it can be easy, like when you start having sex with someone new to kind of be like, oh, God, well, I don't know what to do, so I'll just default. I'll default to that. I'll let him. I'll let him drive. Like, he'll be happier with that. And I think so many people do that very innocently thinking, okay, well, I don't really know what to do today. I'll maybe, you know, change this up a week from now or a month from now, but for today, I'll just kind of let him drive.
- [03:35]
A
We're also taught to protect men's egos and to, like, kind of be afraid of bruising their egos, especially when it comes to sex. Like, we don't want him to feel bad. We don't want him to feel like he doesn't know what he's doing or he's not doing a good enough job. So a lot of us just kind of sit back and, like, let him do his thing rather than risk, like, oh, my God, what if I hurt his feelings?
- [03:57]
B
And then on top of all of that, I think those. Those are the two biggest dynamics that. That you just mentioned. But I think that there's a third one that kind of combines with those two that can. That we don't even think about that can kind of lead to. To people feeling really disengaged when it comes to sex. And so that is. Is like, in addition to that, like, okay, well, he's supposed to take the lead, and if I were to take the lead, that I might hurt his feelings. I. On top of that, there's this also general messaging towards women of, like, oh, women just need to, like, do a better job of letting go during sex. And we hear that so often when it comes to, you know, women who struggle to orgasm or women that. That don't want sex very much or are getting distracted or thinking about other things where it's like, there's so much messaging of, like, oh, you just need to let go during sex. And I think that when you have that messaging combined with, oh, well, he's supposed to take the lead. And like, no, don't say anything because you're going to hurt his feelings. It can be like, oh, okay, well, yeah. Then by letting go, like, I am supposed to let go, so I'll just kind of disengage, Right? Like, I won't be an active participant because I'm not supposed to be, and I'm supposed to let go. So, like, I'm doing the right thing. Right. But I think that what happens is when. When our idea of letting go. And I'm putting letting go in air quotes here because I think that that idea is kind of bullshit or it's like, it's the wrong words. I think that there's a good intent with this idea of letting go. Like, you know, it's not. It's about, like, not being in your head overly. But I think that when many of us hear letting go, we think, oh, I'm going to disengage. I'm going to let him take the lead. I'm not going to do anything. And that really just ends up yielding, like, one person having a really disconnected relationship with the sex that they're having, with the other person totally driving and the other person kind of just sitting there waiting for something good to happen to them, and it doesn't because they're not taking an active role in it.
- [05:52]
A
I think a lot of women also have a fear about, like, doing it wrong.
- [05:57]
B
Like, there's a specific thing you're supposed to do.
- [05:59]
A
Yeah. Like, this comes up for people of all genders, to be fair. Like, especially when it comes to sex, we all, like, want to be so amazing at it, but we also kind of worry in the back of our heads, like, am I. Do I know what I'm doing? Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing it wrong? Like, we're so afraid of being embarrassed and of things not going perfectly. But I do think women struggle more with sexual perfectionism, is what we call it. This feeling of, like, wanting every moment to go perfectly. So a lot of us will hold ourselves back if we don't feel that confidence that. I know it's. I know what I'm doing. I know it's gonna go well. But then it's like, if we don't have the experience, then we don't build that confidence.
- [06:38]
B
Yeah. How could you know what. How could you know what to do if you haven't?
- [06:41]
A
Yeah, It's a catch 22.
- [06:42]
B
Yeah. Yeah. Catch 22.
- [06:45]
A
I mean, the right thing.
- [06:46]
B
Yeah, I mean, yeah, What I was thinking when you first said that was like, you know, if you are thinking, oh, me take, you know, me, the woman, take control. Oh, that's like one of those, like, fantasies or, like, a sexual script almost, or it's like, that's a. That's a scene. And I'm supposed to, like, portray this scene, which makes sense if you have been totally culturally conditioned to think I'm not supposed to take the lead. I'm not supposed to, like, really say anything or give any feedback to my partner. Right, right. Like, I'm supposed to kind of let go and just be there. Then, of course, you think, oh, yeah. Oh, this is, like, a thing that I'm supposed to act out because it's not my normal role. But then you don't know what the scene is. You don't have the script.
- [07:28]
A
Mm.
- [07:29]
B
So, yeah, I think that it's interesting. Like, you think about, is that coming up, are you thinking, oh, there's a right way for me to do this? If that's what you're thinking, then I think you need to reconsider this idea that, like, hey, there isn't a script to how you take control. It's not like, oh, yeah, the way you're supposed to do it is X, Y and Z. It's like, no, it's however you want it, however you want it, however your partner wants it. What feels good for you, what feels exciting.
- [07:57]
A
I also think a lot of people just feel confused about. What does take control actually mean? Like, it's one of those kind of generic phrases that most of us have thrown out at one point or another, but we don't actually know what it means. You know, we've never, like, taken the time to describe it or, like, identify it in our relationships or for ourselves.
- [08:18]
B
Yeah, I mean, honestly, I don't even. I don't love the terminology take control because, like, I think that we tend to jump to an extreme when we hear that and think, oh, I'm supposed to completely take control of this interaction. Okay, so what does that mean? Okay, I'm going to have to, like, blindfold my partner, tie them to the bed. They can't move, they can't talk. Like, I have to do everything. Like, they're not allowed to do anything. And that is absolutely one very specific, singular way that you could take control. But I think. But that's. That's, like the most extreme version where it's like, literally the other person has zero control there. They have basically no involvement. They can't move. You know, like, they can't move, they can't talk. They. They can't, like, do anything. But I think that the reality is, is, like, it's so much. It's better to think of it, like, be an active participant. Like, get involved whether you have 50 involvement, more than 50 involvement, maybe just more than 0% or more than whatever your baseline level of involvement is. Like, I think that. Yeah, unfortunately, I think a lot of men throw around this, oh, it'd be really hot if you took control line. Because really what they're trying to ask for is, like, hey, it would be really cool if you were a little more active than you typically are.
- [09:41]
A
So you think, like, yeah, men are just trying to ask for a little bit more participation, but they're using this phrase that feels way more extreme maybe, than they might actually be wanting.
- [09:51]
B
I think so. So, I mean, I'd be curious if you are a guy listening to this. Like, yeah. Do you actually want your partner to take full control, or is it that really what you're looking for is, like, I would like my partner to be a somewhat more equal participant energetically in the sex that we're having.
- [10:08]
A
Well, we did ask men. We turned to Instagram, we put a poll up, and we asked, if you're a male in a relationship with a woman, like, do you want your partner to take the lead during sex more? 84% of men said yes. Only 16% said no. That's a lot of men. And so then we put up a question. But we put up two question boxes. First, we asked, like, if you feel like you're primarily the one in control, what does that feel like for you? Or, like, why is it that you want her to be more in control? Why don't you read some of the responses that we got?
- [10:46]
B
Yeah. So one guy said, I love when she takes initiative. It makes me feel desired. Sometimes it feels like I'm performing solo. Men want to feel wanted, too. It's exhausting always being the one to initiate or guide things. So this is really interesting. None of these are. All I want is for her to tie me up and blindfold me and completely dominate me. And completely dominate me. Well, I'm sure that some men want that, and that's totally cool. We'll talk about that later. But, like, yeah, of these. What was it? 86% of people, like, in general, people are not saying, take full control. They're just like, I want someone to be there with me.
- [11:27]
A
Yeah, absolutely. There are some interesting words that pop out to me from these responses, too. Like, it feels like I'm performing solo. Like sex should never feel like a performance. And especially it should not feel like a performance that one person is doing for another person. Like this is supposed to be a shared experience, a co created experience, a journey that the two of you are going on together. Not one person awkwardly on the stage doing their little like tap dance, dance jig for the other.
- [11:56]
B
Yeah. Or, or like one person just presenting their body to the other person and it's like, okay, you can have it, I guess.
- [12:03]
A
Yeah. Also, the word exhausting popped up at me too. Like it's exhausting always being the one to initiate or guide things.
- [12:11]
B
Yeah.
- [12:12]
A
Men are feeling tired and you know, I think behind a lot of this too is loneliness. I think a lot of men are feeling lonely. Like they feel like they don't have a partner in this experience. And I think one of the things that, that contributes to this dynamic is we're taught to think of sex as this physical experience. Like it's just a physical act. It's just getting off, having an orgasm. And especially in male female relationships, like we have a lot of scripts about men just, you know, men just want to get off. They just want to get it whenever and wherever. And I think we really downplay and underestimate the emotional component to sex. The reality that sex is a way that we' feel connected to our partner. It's this special thing that we are doing with just them. It's what separates our relationship from just friends or roommates. Like, it's this incredibly intimate, deep bonding experience. And so if you're thinking about it just as this physical act. Yeah. It's a lot easier to like, ugh, let me just lie back and let this happen.
- [13:14]
B
Yeah.
- [13:14]
A
Versus like something that you're. Yeah. Creating and experiencing like intimacy that you are creating together with your partner.
- [13:20]
B
Yeah. I mean, because why else would a man want to get into a long term relationship, into a monogamous relationship, into a marriage with someone if they don't want that emotional component of sex that comes with it? Like. Yeah. And it's like we, we hear all this kind of damaging, like if he wanted to, he would type of messaging that often comes from women. But it's like if you kind of follow that logic, it's like, well, yeah, if, if he didn't want, if sex was just, I just want to be able to have sex whenever, wherever, without any like emotional tie. Like he wouldn't be in a relationship with you.
- [14:00]
A
Yeah, absolutely. You know what, I just thought of something else though. Like Another part of the cultural conditioning. As women, we are. A lot of us are taught that sex is something that is expected from us, that sex is something we're supposed to provide to our partner. That, like, you know, there's a lot of. A lot of religious teachings or a lot moral teachings that are like, you know, that's your duty as a wife. That's what you're supposed to do for your husband. And so if you're looking at sex as something that's an obligation and expectation, something that you don't really have any agency in, of course you're going to be so much more likely to, like, let me just let it happen to me.
- [14:38]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [14:39]
A
You know, rather than. Yeah. Something that you are consciously choosing for yourself.
- [14:43]
B
Yeah. I mean, I don't. I don't think that you can have both dynamics at the same time where it's like. Where it's like, yeah, it's my duty to give this to my partner and also getting excited about being involved.
- [15:01]
A
This episode is sponsored by Splash Blanket, the original luxury waterproof blanket redefining what it means to get messy and stay cozy. Is there any more perfect podcast sponsor for us than Splash Blanket?
- [15:16]
B
Probably not.
- [15:18]
A
I love that they. They're female founded, and they want to help anybody who has ever wanted to, like, fully let go in the bedroom without the aftermath of the soggy sheets having to do midnight lunch. I mean, who has not had the experience of the wet spot in bed? And then you're like, oh, God, I don't want to be sleeping in it. You're fighting. You know, the wet spot's coming, so you're fighting over, like, let's have sex on your side. No, I want to have sex on your side.
- [15:42]
B
Or it makes you just consider, oh, should we maybe not have sex so we don't have the wet spot? And then you're like, wait, like, I'm not having sex because I don't want to have this, you know, this experience of, like, the wet spot in bed. Like, come on, we can do better than that.
- [15:55]
A
Okay, so here's what Splash Blanket is. We got a little ahead of ourselves. They are absorbent, 100% waterproof blankets that you put over your bed so you have sex on top of them.
- [16:05]
B
Yeah. These aren't these crinkly waterproof sheets, guys?
- [16:08]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [16:09]
B
Just to be really clear.
- [16:11]
A
No. We got a bunch of them delivered to us so we could test them out so we could feel the fabrics. They're very cozy, like, really luxurious. There's a couple of different options, Tons of different lips sizes that you can choose from.
- [16:22]
B
Legit blankets.
- [16:23]
A
And they're blankets that are, like, you can have them out on your bed as decor if you don't want to, like, be putting them away all the time, too. Like, they don't.
- [16:30]
B
No one's going to know.
- [16:31]
A
No one's going to know. They don't look like you know, anything. But they, most importantly, they're made to handle over a liter of liquid. So that could be lube, squirt body oil, period blood. Just a sweaty summer's night. Nothing is going to get through and damage your sheets. So go ahead, let it gush. Pour that massage oil. Turn up the heat. From smooth bamboo sheets to plush snuggly fleece and silky faux fur, Splash has a blanket for every body and every mood. And we've got an incredible deal for you. Use Code pillow talk for 15% off at www.splashblanket.com. that's code pillow talks for 15% off at www.blash splashblanket.com. because there's nothing sexy about midnight laundry, right? I am so excited to tell you about the Skims Fits Everybody collection because this is the perfect podcast sponsor story. So I heard all of the hype about skims, like, two years ago, and I was like, you know what, I gotta try them out. I want to know what this is all about. And I bought a couple of bras and underwear from them. And. And I. I will be fully honest. Like, I was expecting to be disappointed, to think, like, this is hyped and to send it right back, but I loved these bras and underwear. Like, they were really, really good. And they are still, like, in my rotation. So when they reached out about being a podcast sponsor, it was like an instant. Absolutely. Hell yes. So I got to try out a different collection that I haven't tried yet, the Fits Everybody collection. I got to try three different Bralette styles and two different underwear styles. The fabric that they make this collection with is incredible. It's so soft, so smoothing. It feels really great against the skin. The underwear in particular, it feels like there is nothing on.
- [18:36]
B
Which is how you prefer your underwear.
- [18:38]
A
Absolutely.
- [18:38]
B
You would prefer to not wear underwear?
- [18:40]
A
To not feel like I am wearing anything whatsoever. And the bralettes, like, for me, I have a smaller chest, so bralettes are perfect for me. But I could also see these being really supportive and great for people with larger chests as well, too. So I cannot recommend these more highly. I seriously have just been absolutely loving wearing them. And I know that you will, too. You can shop the Skims Fits everybody collection@skims.com Also, there's so much more. They have clothing as well. Shirts, bottoms. Like, so much stuff made with this incredible fabric. After you place your order, be sure to let them know that we sent you. Select Podcast in the survey and be sure to select Pillow Talks in the dropdown menu that follows. So we also asked men, what are the specific things that you want her to do in the bedroom, the specific ways that you want her to take control or be more in the lead? And we'll get into those in a second. They were really, really fascinating, fascinating responses. But first, let's talk about, like, if you're listening to this episode and starting to realize, like, oh, that sounds so much like me, or like us, like, I need. I want to fix this. Like, what do I do? Let's first talk about how to start making changes in your relationship. The first step is really for you and your partner to start communicating about this. Like, we can give you ideas, we can tell you the responses that men submitted in those question boxes. But ultimately, at the end of the day, what your partner, partner wants, what works for the two of you, like, that's the most important thing. So as with all of our podcast episodes, like, we always design these with the thought of opening up conversations between partners. Like, listen to the episode together, pause it at certain points, have a conversation between the two of you, or even just use the existence of this episode as a means to open a conversation. Like, oh, my gosh. Hey. The new Pillow Talks podcast episode was about women taking control in the bedroom. I'd never really thought about this before. Like, I want to ask you a few questions. I really like blaming it on the podcast in that way because it feels so much lower pressure. You're not going to your partner and saying, oh, we need to talk about something. I've been realizing this dynamic. It totally needs to change. You're just like, oh, yeah, this podcast was talking about it and figured I might as well ask you about it. So I think it just really brings the pressure down and brings the shame down. So we have a list of questions that you could ask your partner. So if you're listening together, you can pause, answer them, have a little conversation about each, come back and listen to the next one. But here are some questions you could ask your partner. Do you ever wish I was more active or in control during sex? And if you like, Xander was mentioning, like, he doesn't really love the, like, in control aspect of it. Like, just keep it to more active. Do you wish I was more active or more participatory?
- [21:38]
B
Yeah, I think in this case it's fine. I like the word more. You were. Basically, we're not saying, do you wish I was in control during sex? We're saying, do you wish I was more active or more in control? I think that's a totally fair way to put it. But, yeah. No, I mean, more active is probably the most clear way that you could ask that. You could also ask, what does taking control mean to you? Or what does being more active mean to you? What could that look like?
- [22:05]
A
What feels good for you when I take charge?
- [22:09]
B
You could ask, what are some moments where you felt the most turned on by me? And maybe, you know, if you're trying to steer the conversation, it'll be like moments where maybe I was taking a more active role or more control than what you're used to.
- [22:23]
A
And what is one thing I could do that would feel more engaging to you?
- [22:28]
B
We always. We always love that specificity. Like, because it's one thing to ask. Oh, yeah. Well, what does being more active or what does taking control mean to you? Even if you feel like you got a good answer there, because your partner probably gave you a lot of things, I think it's really helpful to ask that question. Okay, what is one thing that I could do tonight that would really feel this way to you? Because then that forces you to really think, okay, well, what is the one. Of all these that I referred to, what is the one that's gonna feel like, the most impactful to me right now? So I think it's always worth asking that question, even if you feel like you've already got the answer.
- [23:07]
A
Okay, so let's talk about the specific answers that men gave. So when we asked them, like, what are the exact ways that you want women to take control in the bedroom? Here were the most common answers that came up. First, one, initiate. Men are so desperate for women to initiate sex.
- [23:27]
B
Even if you don't do anything else, if you just.
- [23:30]
A
If you just initiate it and then they. Oh, my God.
- [23:33]
B
Yeah. If you just say, hey, what? Like. Like, want to have sex later or now or whatever. If you just do that and then let them completely run the show after that, just that right there will probably move the needle more than you know. That being said, there is more. More needle that could be moved. But yeah, for your sake, because it. Cause it can be fun for you too, to be more involved.
- [23:58]
A
Yeah. I mean, so there's so many reasons why this came up. Like, I think we read a quote earlier from someone saying, you know, like, men want to feel wanted too. Like, they want to. That you desire them, that you want to be intimate with them, that you're thinking about them, that you're attracted to them.
- [24:13]
B
Yeah. Because, hey, turns out, validation feels good.
- [24:15]
A
Feels really good. Right. Also, it's important for us to recognize that there's so much vulnerability that goes into initiation. Like, it's not an easy thing to do. I still feel vulnerable initiating with you, like, 18 years into this relationship.
- [24:29]
B
You shouldn't.
- [24:31]
A
No, you can't say you shouldn't.
- [24:32]
B
I know.
- [24:33]
A
Like, we're all allowed to feel vulnerable for whatever we feel vulnerable about.
- [24:37]
B
I feel a little vulnerable sometimes. Oh, well, what if she doesn't want to and then I'm just bothering her?
- [24:42]
A
Yeah. I mean, when you initiate, you're putting yourself out there. You're like, you're asking for something that you want. You're putting yourself in a position of your partner maybe saying no. And like, that always stings and it brings up like old feelings of like, feeling rejected. So you know all that to say, like, when there's just one partner in the relationship who is holding the majority of that weight, that is very hard. It's really hard to be the one person taking on that responsibility of initiating. You're dealing with so much more rejection. You're, like taking on so much more vulnerability. It's a lot of emotional and mental labor and effort that goes into it. So we feel really strongly that in every relationship, both partners need to initiate. Doesn't need to be 50, 50. We don't need to be like, tracking it or keeping a tally, but both partners need to do that.
- [25:38]
B
Yeah. Because not only is it validating to your partner, not only do they feel wanted, the message that it also sends is that sex is important to my partner.
- [25:48]
A
Exactly.
- [25:48]
B
They want it too, sometimes. And especially the dynamic between men and women, the stereotypical dynamic, is that many men feel like they have the experience. I'm saying feel like, because there's a lot of other dynamics that come up that most of these men are not aware of contributing to this. But the way that many men experience long term relationships or marriages. It felt like my partner loved having sex with me at the beginning of our relationship. And then one day it felt like they didn't. And then it felt like a chore. And then it felt like something they didn't want. And now I don't even. Like, I don't. I don't know how to, to, to like, to comprehend like what, how they feel about sex. Like, were they faking enjoying sex with me at the beginning of relationship? Because as far as I can tell, nothing has changed. Like, the sex that we're having hasn't changed. Like other, you know, we're in love, we're committed. Like, what is going on? And now, of course, I'm not saying that like women all of a sudden are just deciding, oh, I'm gonna flip the switch. And now I'm not into sex anymore. What is really going on? There's so many things. There's, there's mental low, there's resentment. There's the way that, you know, you're maintaining your emotional connection. There's the bristle reaction, there's kids, there's being touched out. There's so many things that I think often men conveniently forget about or don't realize are going on. But I think that that's a really important dynamic to recognize because whether, yeah. Whether it's right or wrong, that's how a lot of men are feeling right now. And just having that one experience of their partner being like, hey, like, I've been thinking about you and I want to fuck.
- [27:33]
A
Like, you don't have to say it like that. You don't have to say it like that. It's too nerve wracking for you.
- [27:37]
B
You can say. But sending the message. I was thinking about having sex with you. I want to have sex with you. Like that's, that's. If you, if you hear that and you're like, oh my God, I have never done that. You have to do that. Like just. And just see what kind of difference that makes. See how his eyes light up.
- [27:57]
A
Okay. And if you're really freaking out, like, oh my God, I've never done this before. Like, I feel so, like unconfident, not confident, inconfit. I don't feel confident initiating. We have your back. We have an incredible course called the art of Initiation that teaches you step by step exactly what to do, how to navigate it on both sides like the initiating and the considering how to respond to your partner's initiation. So we'll link that for you in the show notes. It's also available in deeper our membership so you can go to.
- [28:29]
B
Which is a great way you can learn how to initiate and you can also learn how to have the best sex of your life all together.
- [28:35]
A
So if you just want the Art of Initiation, you can go straight to vmtherapy.com initiate or if you wanna check out deeper. You can go to vmtherapy.com deeper. Okay. Another common answer was set the mood. Like, create the scene, the environment for sex. And this one's so interesting because, like I mentioned earlier, that script that we have about men that like, ah, they don't care. They just will take it wherever, whenever, whatever. But so many men said, I want her to set the mood. I want it to feel sexy and seductive and relaxing and exciting and very simple things. They're like, turn the lights down or light a candle, put some music on. It doesn't need to be a huge production, but it's just this way of saying, yeah, I'm thinking about you. And I want this to be a great experience for both of us.
- [29:28]
B
Yeah. It's another way to show that you care about. I'm thinking about this. It makes a difference to me. You know, what the vibe is when we do this.
- [29:37]
A
There were also a lot of mentions of lingerie. Like, just put some lingerie on. That can also be like a way of initiating too. Of just like giving your partner a little peek at what you've got on or telling them, like, I've got something special on under there for you. Just like, yeah, just that simple effort of, hey, I took this 10 seconds to throw on some cute, you know, lingerie because I was thinking of you.
- [30:01]
B
Or if you don't have any lingerie, even just like your cutest. Your cutest bra and panties.
- [30:10]
A
I knew not to say.
- [30:11]
B
What am I gonna say.
- [30:15]
A
The P word?
- [30:16]
B
I know I can't say, but underwear feels like.
- [30:19]
A
It doesn't feel sexy.
- [30:20]
B
It doesn't feel sexy. And I'm like, choni's doesn't feel sexy.
- [30:24]
A
Sexy at all. No. So I know.
- [30:26]
B
See your panties.
- [30:27]
A
Panties doesn't feel sexy either. It feels like, like, I don't know.
- [30:31]
B
Panties. Yeah, it feels like pants that a baby would wear. Panties. Diminutive pants.
- [30:40]
A
Pants that a baby would wear. No, those are pantaloons, according to you.
- [30:47]
B
But adults wear pantaloons. Like, don't. Like, pirates wear pantaloons. So pirates and babies both wear pantaloons.
- [30:54]
A
Little side note, our friends had a baby and we were, like, buying baby gifts for them, and we went and, like, bought those little pants that have the little footies attached for newborns. And Xander was like, oh, I know these. These are pantaloons. I didn't. Yes, you did.
- [31:11]
B
Wow. I don't remember that.
- [31:12]
A
I was like, these are definitely not pantaloons. But you were so proud of yourself. You're like, oh, I know.
- [31:17]
B
What?
- [31:18]
A
Those are. Those are baby pantaloons.
- [31:20]
B
Oh. So it would have been better if I said, oh, those are panties.
- [31:26]
A
Get these panties for your baby. Okay, let's move on.
- [31:30]
B
Wow. Where were we?
- [31:33]
A
How do we get back to where we were? Okay. Another very common response from men was, use your voice more. So a lot of men use your mouth. I mean that too, vocally. So a lot of men said, like, just. Just talk more openly about sex. Like, say what you want. Give me commands. Like, tell me what you want me to do to you.
- [31:58]
B
Oh, that's. That's seriously, like, that's the best.
- [32:01]
A
Really?
- [32:01]
B
Yeah, I mean, it's just like. Just say what you want as a command. Just like, fuck me.
- [32:07]
A
Oh, okay. Sit on my face. Or wait, let me sit on your face. Get down under there. Get under my face. Wait.
- [32:15]
B
Yeah, Yeah. I mean, I guess I could get down under your face, but you really. It would be easier if you came up on top of me.
- [32:22]
A
Lie down. Okay. Give commands. Yeah. Tell them what you're going to do to them or give them, like, directions about what you want them to do to you.
- [32:32]
B
Yeah, I mean, one thing I just want to throw in here. I think a lot of people get thrown off by this. Like, give a command. You can give a command. And that doesn't mean you're not locked into, like, you're giving all the commands for the rest of the session. It doesn't mean that you have to do that thing that you made the command for. For that long. I think we get her head of like, oh, my God. Well, yeah, like, okay, I could tell him, like, I'm getting on top, but then, like, what if I don't want to stay on top? Or then what if, like, then I have to, like, keep telling him what to do. And there. You're not signing a contract by saying to do something that says, now I'm in control for the rest of this. Now you only take commands from me.
- [33:15]
A
It also doesn't have to be bossy either. Like, I think a lot of women hear this and they think they have to, like, tap into their inner dominatrix kind of vibes. And it's like, if that feels fun to you, if that's something you want to play around with, sure. Like, go ahead and do that. But it doesn't. That's not the only way to do it.
- [33:31]
B
So for you, if you feel more comfortable, hey, wanna.
- [33:33]
A
Yeah. Hey, wanna do this? Or, like, I would love it if you did that. Or. What do you think about this?
- [33:39]
B
Could you blank yeah, it could be.
- [33:41]
A
Very simple and you could say it sweetly too. It doesn't have to be like get over here you fuckin little bitch. You know, be like oh, I want you to kiss me. You know, it could be very innocent. It doesn't need to be anything that like super X rated. So there were requests for more dirty talk but also just more talk in general too. So like yeah, it's hot. If you say things like, you know, I want you to do X, Y, Z or do this to me or whatever it is. But also just like feeling. I think a lot of it is just men want to feel like there's somebody there with them having sex. Like we've pulled, we should pull up these stats. Like we, we did a whole episode about silent sex and so many people are having sex where you are just, just dead silent the whole time. Like not saying a single thing to each other. Like you, you have to talk during sex. It doesn't have to be the entire time. You don't need to have like a whole conversation. Elaborate detail. But like a little bit of talking goes a long way. Like let him know that you're there with him. You're in that experience with him. And again it like it could be dirty. If you want to get dirty, get dirty. If you want to play around with it, play around with it. But it could be something so simple and sweet like, like I love you. That feels good. I'm so glad we're doing this.
- [34:57]
B
Yeah. And if you, if you want to get dirty or get better at getting dirty that our, Our Dirty Talk 101 guide is in is a part of Deeper that is. Yeah. We have a lot of, a lot of resources to help you with that within deeper as well. So just a little, just a little shout out for there. It's, it's really, it is the one stop shop for everything that you might need in your sex life. Especially for everything you might need if you're trying to get more active.
- [35:27]
A
We are right in the middle of summer and boy am I happy that we have our Cozy Earth sheets. If you've never heard of Cozy Earth before, they make the most incredible temperature regulating bamboo sheets. They are seriously the softest sheets. They just feel so buttery soft against your skin. But they also help you soft sleep. Really cool. The fabric is moisture wicking, it's temperature regulating and it seriously makes a huge difference. I don't think people realize how big of a difference it makes when you are sleeping cooler. Like you just sleep so much better. But they Also make incredible clothing with the same materials. Xander loves the all day tea. You have it in so many different colors. They have pants, pajamas. They also make towels too. Like just absolutely luscious big fluffy bath sheets. They seriously make such incredible products and you can try them risk free. You can try their bamboo sheets for 100 nights and return them hassle free if you don't love them. They have a 10 year warranty on all of their bedding products and we don't want you to miss your chance to score Cozy Earth's biggest discount of the year from July 11th to the 13th. Head to cozyearth.com and use code pillow talks to get 45% off.
- [36:50]
B
Damn they're coming in hot.
- [36:52]
A
Yeah, we've never seen a discount that high before from them. So this is the time. 45% off their best selling temperature regulating sheets, apparel and more. Don't forget this deal ends on July 13th. It's just from the 11th to the 13th for better sleep and a cooler summer. What is stopping you? Sleep cooler, lounge lighter and and stay cozy at Cozy Earth. I cannot tell you how many times Hungryroot has absolutely saved the day for us. We both really value eating healthy nutritious food. But sometimes you get to the end of the day and it's just so much later than you thought it was gonna be. You only have a few minutes to put together dinner. You don't to think about like what to make for dinner. And Hungry Root truly has been such a lifesaver for us. Hungry takes the stress out of meal time by filling your cart with personalized picks and planning your weekly meals. Getting smarter with every order.
- [37:57]
B
Yeah, this isn't just like your generic meal kit type of thing. There are meal kits but there's also like just general grocery shopping plus many of the meals. Most of the meals are like mix and match combo of semi pre prepared things so that you can have an amazing meal in like five to 10 minutes.
- [38:17]
A
Yes. So many of their meals are like super super quick. They also do incredible personalization. We're gluten free. We tend to prefer dairy free stuff as well. You can filter for so many different things based on your diet, your nutritional needs and they hold all of their food to very high standards. They screen out over 200 additives so you're not going to find any high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners or preservatives. They source only high quality meat and seafood with no hormones, no antibiotics. There's organic produce, non GMO options. Like seriously, it's incredible what you can get. And we have a crazy good offer for you today. You're also going to get a free item, like a premium protein, a veggie, or a sweet treat in every box for life. Take advantage of our exclusive offer for a limited time. Get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life.
- [39:15]
B
Wow.
- [39:16]
A
Go to hungryroot.compillow and use code PILLow. That's hungryroot.compillow code PILLow to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice. Choice for life. Hungryroot.com pillow codepillow okay. A lot of men also requested that we make more suggestions. So this range from being really simple, like, something like, literally just suggesting the next position to get in, like, hey, why don't you flip me over? Or, hey, let me get on top all the way up to being the one to suggest trying new things so that there's kind of, like an initiation almost element to that of, like, suggesting, hey, I'd like us to play with a toy. Or I was thinking about this fantasy that I would love us to act out together or this, like, role play that I want to play around with with you. So, again, a very wide range of things, but men express that they don't want to be the only person who's coming up with the actual ideas of what to do. It's like the classic what do you want to have for dinner? Debate that couples have. Like, it's so annoying. You have to come up with, what are we gonna have for dinner every night for the rest of your life? But, like, imagine if just one person had to decide what you were eating for dinner every night. Like, if I was just to you. Like, okay, babe, time for you to choose again. Like, it'd probably be fun for a brief period of time, you're like, chinese food every night.
- [40:50]
B
No, I.
- [40:50]
A
But, like, very quickly, it would get very. I mean, literally, if you're listening to this right now, like, imagine the pressure of every single night, you are the person who has to decide what you're having for dinner.
- [41:01]
B
Well, you know who we could ask? You know who we could ask about that?
- [41:04]
A
Who?
- [41:05]
B
Your dad, Vanessa's mom. Just, like, food is. Food is not her thing. Like, everything is. It's okay. It's okay.
- [41:17]
A
It's fine.
- [41:18]
B
Like, she eats to live.
- [41:19]
A
Yeah. There's just not the rest of us. Are we to eat.
- [41:22]
B
There's really no. No types of food that she's. She loves. And she could really care less for your dad. Chooses every day, every night. Yeah, but I mean, with this making suggestions thing, I really do think this gets back to men wanting to see a sign, any kind of sign that their partner is interested in sex. It doesn't have to be as interested as they are in sex. It just is like, like some level of interest. And I mean, I think that this is, like, this is, this is such like a deep question that I think a lot of men have. And I think this really goes back to like, the, the puberty, like, era, so to speak. I mean, like, I think there is no secret amongst men, young men and, and, you know, teenage boys that guys are thinking about sex. Guys want sex. Like, they're talking about it all the time with other guys. There is. And, and, and societally, it's just, you know, there is no mystery that men are thinking about sex a lot. Men are wanting sex manner. Men are masturbating, like, right. Like, that's just like, it's just known it would be weird. Like, it's so known that it would, like, it's almost like, oh, it would be weird if you weren't. And I think that from a very early age, like, I, I remember this of being like, you know, like, okay, yeah, I can tell that, like, you know, girls kind of like talk about it in sort of like a braggy way or like a jokey way. But there's, I mean, I remember from a very early age, like in puberty, being like, like, do they, are they. Are. Are they really into this? Like, I don't really know. Like, you know, it's like, you don't know. Like, are, are. Do women masturbate? Like, do they actually think about it beyond, like, whatever, you know, they feel like they need to do in order to, like, be in a relationship with the guy or do what they're supposed to do? And I think that that seed gets planted from a really young age. Is she really into it? And then if you think, like, you know, guys are having this experience of, well, gosh, it seems like she really is, and then it seems like she really isn't. And I think, you know, a lot of men maybe experience that in multiple relationships and really start to wonder. So it's just like, it's just like, yeah, it keeps coming back to, you know, wanting their partner to take a little bit of action to initiate every now and then and just wanting to know that occasionally their partner is thinking about it. And I think that that suggesting something new is such a huge one. I've heard that from so Many men. I just wish one time she would say something new that she would be excited about trying, because that would tell me she's thinking about it. It. She's thinking about it. There's something exciting about it. I want to bring the excitement of sex back rather than the burden of sex.
- [44:20]
A
Okay. Another answer that we saw, not as much, but it definitely came up, was actually guiding the movements. So I think there's also, like, a real physical element to things as well. Like, a lot of the times that men and women have sex, the man is the one who's in charge of the movement. Like, he's the one doing the thrusting and, like, moving into position and all of that. So stuff. And so a lot of men said, like, it's nice to sometimes get to lie back and let your partner, like, do the movement. So you being on top, you focusing on him, you controlling the angle, the pace, the depth, the angle. Did I say angle twice?
- [44:59]
B
Yeah, I think so.
- [45:00]
A
The angle's very important. Yeah. Just having some times when you are the one being in that role.
- [45:08]
B
And I mean, this could even happen when you are, like, when. When you're in missionary and the guy is on top of where it's like, maybe you're not, like, physically doing the movement so he's not moving, but, like, you know, be, like, grabbing him and being like, hey, like, go slow or, like, you know, or go faster, you know, kind of, like, verbally and. Or physically kind of giving just a little bit of feedback. I think that that can be hot, where it's like, oh, okay, yeah, this is how she wants it. She's telling me, she's directing me, she's moving me. I think that can be a. That can be a fun experience at times.
- [45:42]
A
And finally we heard a lot of, like, just be there with me in the moment. I mentioned this a little bit already about this idea of, like, men feeling lonely during sex and feeling like you're not, like, fully there with him. We heard so many responses that were just like, I just want, like, more kissing. I want more eye contact. I want more touching. So many men said, like, my partner literally just lies there, like they're just kind of starfishing on the bed. And it, you know, literally feels like I'm just doing sex to her. She's not. Not, like, participating in the moment, like, in the experience with me, just literally just lying there. So it's like, yeah, show interest in what's going on. Show your partner that you are there with them, not just going through the motions. I mean, I guess it brings up. Imagine going out on a date with somebody and you're, like, trying to talk to them, have a conversation, and they're just giving you, like, one word answers, like, yeah, huh? Yeah. No, like, that would be a horrible date.
- [46:43]
B
Or like, they're pulling out their phone and just, like, scrolling and like, yeah, yeah.
- [46:48]
A
Oh, God, yeah.
- [46:49]
B
That's what you're doing during sex and.
- [46:52]
A
Your partner is not enjoying it. And this does, for me, like, loop back into this idea that so many of us have that, like, sex is something that we're supposed to just give to our partner. So a lot of women think that they're doing the right thing or the good thing by, like, okay, let me just let him do it. But, like, that's not the kind of sex that he wants.
- [47:10]
B
Yeah, it doesn't feel good. Like, he'll probably take it, but that doesn't mean he's excited about it. That doesn't mean he wants it. It doesn't mean that, like, it doesn't mean that he is. That he's, like, not building up his own resentment or disappointment or whatever. Feelings around it. I think that so many of us think, oh, well, whatever. Okay, well, I'm just gonna give it to him so that he can't, like. Like, have any feelings about this. And I was like, no, he definitely does.
- [47:38]
A
Yeah, man. It was so interesting just going through all those responses and seeing, like, it was great to get specifics. We always love getting specific here At Pillow talks. We don't like the generic, like, yeah, just, like, be in control. More like, we wanted to give specific ideas. And it was great to see men having specific answers. Like, it wasn't just a. Like, no, I just want you to. Yeah, just do that. They had specific things that they wanted. And again, just being able to see the like. Like, the emotion behind it, too, or it's not just, you know, I want her to have the absolute best technique ever. Just, like, no, I just want her to, like, be there with me. Like, connect with me, be present with me. It's really interesting to see that. So I hope that this has given you some great ideas, some great starting points. You know, I think that we really shared a lot of tips that are very simple things to do all the way up to things that might feel a little more out of your comfort zone, a little more vulnerable. So get started on something that feels easier. Like, we're all about just taking small, consistent steps. So don't feel like you have to jump into the deep end and try Something like wildly vulnerable. Like, just try one of the smaller tips that we talked about.
- [48:46]
B
I think even just the act of being able to acknowledge to your partner, hey, I listened to this podcast episode, and I can totally see how I've been guilty of some of this, you know, falling prey to some of this conditioning. And then I've been, you know, kind of behaving a certain way around sex. I've been contributing to an unhealthy dynamic when it comes to sex. That's. Not only is it unhealthy for me and my own sexuality, but I can see how it could be unhealthy or at least have an adverse impact on you in terms of how much you're enjoying sex and how much you might be wondering if I even care about this thing that I really do care about. And, you know, and I think this is the important part, is acknowledging that and saying, hey, I'm starting to realize that I need to unlearn a lot of this stuff. I'm starting to realize that a lot of this stuff got in really deep, deep in me. And as much as I wish I could just jump in and be Superwoman that tonight, Superwoman that, like, as much as I wish that I could do that, or as much as I wish that we could just have this one conversation where I could be like, yeah, I just realized that I've been doing this wrong for the last 20 years. And this changes now. It doesn't just change now. It's really hard to undo this kind of. Of, you know, social, societal conditioning. It takes a really long time. It takes a lot of active effort. It takes a lot of trying, trying new things, trying again when we met, when we, you know, revert to the old ways. But it's just a. It's a continued conversation. It's a continued check in and. And honestly, just that acknowledgement to your partner, I think, goes such a long way of like, hey, you know what? I do care about sex with you. I care about sex in general, and I especially care about it with you. And I think about it, I want it, and I sometimes feel a little uncomfortable with how to express how I want it, but I want you to know that I'm trying.
- [50:39]
A
Love it.
- [50:39]
B
Boom. Mic drop.
- [50:42]
A
Well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Maggie, do you have anything else to say? She's been really grunting up a storm over here.
- [50:49]
B
Yeah, you might. You might have heard a couple honks.
- [50:51]
A
Yeah, it's Maggie on my side lap, if you're not watching on YouTube. You definitely should be because you get to stare at her for the entire episode. She sits on my lap. She's always got her tongue out. She's, I don't know, twisting around, trying to get more comfortable. It's very cute.
- [51:06]
B
Yeah. And I though. I guess I was gonna say if you're watching on YouTube, you probably can't tell. We are both. We are both really hot over here. We're having. We're getting. We're having our.
- [51:17]
A
You think we're a little sweaty looking? Are you trying to.
- [51:19]
B
Maybe. We might be. We might be glistening a little bit more than.
- [51:22]
A
We just look like we had like, nice facial laser.
- [51:25]
B
I know. Prob. Probably look great.
- [51:26]
A
Do I look sweaty?
- [51:27]
B
No.
- [51:28]
A
Okay.
- [51:28]
B
I feel sweaty though. But it's just my back. But yeah, no, we're. We're having the, the AC replaced at our house and we were in the like 3 day window.
- [51:38]
A
No AC. Hottest days of the year so far.
- [51:41]
B
Yeah. What's been the hottest couple days of the year so far? Not that hot relative. I think, like, east coast people are like, oh, my God, it's the middle of June. You're replacing your ac. That's crazy.
- [51:50]
A
Be.
- [51:51]
B
It's not that bad here, but.
- [51:53]
A
Okay, well, on that note, welcome, welcome, welcome to our.
- [51:57]
B
To our Hot and glistening podcast here. Yeah. The Glistening Pillow Talks podcast.
- [52:03]
A
Oh, that sounds weird. All right, thanks for listening or watching. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.