Pillow Talks Podcast Episode 216 Summary: "The Truth About Being Passive In Bed: And How To Take Control"

Release Date: July 10, 2025
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin | QCODE
Duration: Approximately 52 minutes

Introduction: Understanding Passivity in the Bedroom

In Episode 216 of Pillow Talks, hosts Vanessa and Xander Marin delve into the nuanced topic of passivity in sexual relationships, particularly focusing on why many women tend to adopt a more passive role during intimate moments. Vanessa, with her two decades of experience as a sex therapist, and Xander, a relatable "regular dude," explore the cultural, psychological, and interpersonal factors contributing to this dynamic.

Key Points:

• Cultural Conditioning: Women are often socialized to let men take the lead in sexual encounters.
• Protecting Male Ego: There's a prevalent fear among women of diminishing their partner's confidence by taking control.
• Desire for Connection: Taking an active role can enhance emotional and physical intimacy between partners.

Why Do Women Default to Passivity?

Vanessa and Xander examine the underlying reasons why women might hesitate to take control during sex, highlighting societal norms and personal insecurities.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa (00:02:14): "A lot of us just kind of sit back and, like, let him do his thing rather than risk, like, oh, what if I hurt his feelings?"
• Xander (00:03:35): "It's easy to default to letting him drive, especially when you're unsure what to do."

Discussion Highlights:

1. Societal Expectations: From a young age, women are taught that men should initiate and lead sexual interactions, making deviation from this script feel uncertain.
2. Fear of Judgment: Concerns about "doing it wrong" or not meeting perceived expectations can inhibit women from taking a proactive role.
3. Sexual Perfectionism: The pressure to make every moment perfect leads many to hold back to avoid potential embarrassment or mistakes.

Timestamp Reference:
Vanessa discusses cultural conditioning at [00:02:14].

Men’s Perspectives on Passivity

To gain a balanced view, Vanessa and Xander conducted an Instagram poll targeting male listeners, revealing significant insights into men's desires for more active participation from their partners.

Poll Results:

• 84% of Men: Want their partners to take the lead during sex more.
• 16% of Men: Prefer the current dynamic or do not desire increased participation.

Notable Quotes:

• Xander (00:10:08): "84% of men said yes. That's a lot of men."
• Vanessa (00:23:06): "Men want someone to be there with them."

Common Responses from Men:

1. Initiation: Men appreciate when women take the first step in initiating sex, making them feel desired and reducing the burden of constant initiation.
2. Setting the Mood: Creating a conducive environment through lighting, music, or attire signals thoughtfulness and enhances the intimate experience.
3. Use of Voice: Open verbal communication, including commands or expressing desires, can heighten mutual enjoyment and connection.
4. Guiding Movements: Allowing women to direct the physical aspects of sex can lead to a more balanced and satisfying experience.
5. Presence and Engagement: Active participation, through kissing, eye contact, and physical touch, fosters a deeper emotional bond.

Timestamp Reference:
Vanessa and Xander reveal poll results and discuss men's feedback around [00:10:08].

Practical Steps for Women to Take Control

Vanessa and Xander offer actionable advice for women seeking to shift from a passive to a more active role in their sexual relationships.

Key Recommendations:

1. Initiate Conversations:

   • Communicate Openly: Use the podcast as a conversation starter with your partner.
   • Sample Questions:
     • "Do you ever wish I was more active or in control during sex?" ([00:21:38])
     • "What does being more active mean to you?"

2. Start Small:

   • Simple Actions: Suggest subtle changes like initiating sex, setting the mood with lighting or music, or wearing lingerie.
   • Gradual Steps: Begin with less intimidating actions to build confidence and comfort.

3. Use Your Voice:

   • Express Desires: Clearly articulate what you want, whether through commands or affectionate expressions.
   • Be Specific: Instead of vague statements, direct your partner with specific requests like "I'd love it if you kissed me here." ([00:31:32])

4. Guide the Experience:

   • Physical Guidance: Direct movements or suggest new positions to balance the dynamic.
   • Offer Feedback: Let your partner know what feels good and what you'd like to explore further.

5. Be Present:

   • Emotional Connection: Engage with your partner through eye contact, kissing, and physical touch to foster intimacy.
   • Avoid Distractions: Ensure that both partners are fully engaged without external interruptions, like phones.

Notable Quotes:

• Xander (00:22:22): "It's about being an active participant, getting involved more than your baseline participation."
• Vanessa (00:27:37): "Our Dirty Talk 101 guide is part of Deeper and a one-stop shop for everything you might need in your sex life."

Timestamp Reference:
Detailed advice begins around [00:21:38] and continues through [00:34:57].

Addressing Common Misconceptions

Vanessa and Xander clarify misunderstandings surrounding the concept of "taking control," emphasizing that it doesn't equate to dominance or erasing the partner's agency.

Clarifications:

• Balanced Control: Taking control doesn't mean one partner completely dominates; it's about shared participation and mutual satisfaction.
• Terminology Matters: Phrases like "be an active participant" are more approachable and less intimidating than "take full control."

Notable Quotes:

• Xander (00:07:57): "It's better to think of it as being an active participant rather than taking control in an extreme way."
• Vanessa (00:08:18): "Understanding what 'taking control' means is crucial for meaningful change."

Timestamp Reference:
Discussion on misconceptions occurs around [00:07:57].

Navigating Vulnerability and Confidence

The hosts address the emotional components tied to initiating and participating actively in sex, recognizing the vulnerability involved.

Key Insights:

• Overcoming Fear: Acknowledging fears of rejection or inadequacy is the first step toward more confident participation.
• Building Confidence: Gaining experience and positive reinforcement helps diminish the fear of "doing it wrong."

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa (00:05:52): "We all worry, am I doing the right thing? Am I doing it wrong?"
• Xander (00:06:37): "How could you know what to do if you haven't?"

Timestamp Reference:
Vulnerability and confidence are discussed between [00:05:52] and [00:06:42].

Encouraging Mutual Effort and Ongoing Communication

Vanessa and Xander emphasize the importance of both partners actively contributing to a fulfilling sexual relationship through continuous dialogue and effort.

Strategies:

1. Ongoing Conversations: Regularly discuss sexual preferences and experiences to ensure both partners feel heard and satisfied.
2. Shared Responsibility: Encourage a dynamic where both partners feel empowered to initiate and direct intimate moments.
3. Empathy and Understanding: Recognize and validate each other's feelings and experiences to build a stronger connection.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa (00:48:45): "Acknowledging to your partner that you're trying goes a long way."
• Xander (00:50:38): "I'm trying to show that I care about our sex life and want to improve it together."

Timestamp Reference:
Emphasis on mutual effort and communication is highlighted from [00:48:45] onwards.

Conclusion: Embracing Active Participation for Enhanced Intimacy

The episode wraps up with Vanessa and Xander encouraging listeners to take actionable steps toward more engaged and satisfying sexual relationships. They advocate for gradual changes, open communication, and mutual support as key elements in overcoming passivity and fostering deeper intimacy.

Final Thoughts:

• Start Small: Begin with manageable changes to build confidence.
• Stay Patient: Understand that unlearning ingrained behaviors takes time and persistence.
• Support Each Other: Collaborate as a team to enhance your sexual connection.

Notable Quote:

• Xander (00:50:38): "I've been realizing that I need to unlearn a lot of this stuff. I'm trying."

Timestamp Reference:
Concluding remarks around [00:48:45] to [00:51:57].

Key Takeaways:

• Cultural and Emotional Factors: Women's passivity in sex often stems from societal expectations and personal insecurities.
• Men’s Desire for Participation: An overwhelming majority of men desire more active involvement from their partners.
• Actionable Steps: Initiating conversations, setting the mood, using one's voice, guiding movement, and being present are effective ways to enhance mutual satisfaction.
• Ongoing Effort: Building a more active and engaged sexual relationship requires continuous communication and willingness to adapt.

Note: This summary excludes advertisement segments and non-content discussions that occurred between [00:14:00] and [00:39:15], as well as the lighthearted banter towards the end of the episode.