Pillow Talks Podcast Episode Summary

Episode Title: EPISODE 217: Got the Ick? Why It Happens in Relationships + What to Do About It
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Release Date: July 17, 2025

Introduction to "The Ick"

In Episode 217 of Pillow Talks, hosts Vanessa and Xander Marin delve deep into the phenomenon known as "the ick." This term, widely popularized on social media, describes the sudden feeling of repulsion toward a romantic partner due to a minor quirk or behavior, which can starkly shift one’s perception of the relationship.

Vanessa Marin (00:51):
"Today, we are doing a deep dive into the ick. So if you haven't heard this phrase before, it has been all over social media. Basically, it refers to when you're on an early date with somebody and they do something that gives you the ick. Suddenly, you go from being attracted to them to like, ew, I'm not so interested anymore."

Understanding "The Ick"

Xander Marin (01:54):
"The key thing with the ick is that even if there are multiple things you love about someone, one small negative thing can overshadow them all."

Vanessa emphasizes that "the ick" represents a point of no return in dating scenarios, where minor annoyances can dissolve attraction swiftly and decisively.

Vanessa Marin (02:45):
"Once you get the ick, there's no coming back from it."

"The Ick" in Long-Term Relationships

The conversation shifts to how "the Ick" affects long-term relationships, where the stakes are much higher compared to early dating stages. The hosts discuss the increased stress and potential fallout when "the Ick" arises after years of commitment.

Vanessa Marin (03:01):
"In long-term relationships, getting the ick can lead to significant decisions like breaking up or moving out, making it a more complex issue."

Social Media Insights and Listener Stories

Vanessa and Xander engaged with their Instagram community to gather real-life stories about experiencing "the Ick." They received an overwhelming number of responses, highlighting various personal anecdotes that underscore the relatability of the topic.

Vanessa Marin (09:07):
"We polled people on Instagram and asked, 'If you're in a long-term relationship, have you ever gotten the ick from your partner?' 87% of people have experienced it."

Common Triggers of "The Ick"

The hosts identify and discuss the five most common triggers of "the Ick" based on listener submissions:

1. Bad Breath (11:44)

   • Xander humorously shares his disdain for bad breath, acknowledging it as a significant turn-off, especially during close interactions like kissing.

   Xander Marin (11:44):
   "Sometimes breath is not minty fresh. If it's truly horrendous, that's tough."

2. Poor Nail Hygiene (12:20)

   • Squeamishness towards habits like clipping nails in strange places or peeling nails off surfaces.

   Vanessa Marin (12:23):
   "I might have a nick around nails."

3. Noisy Eating Habits (13:07)

   • Issues like chewing loudly or having unusual eating behaviors that disrupt the dining experience.

4. Personal Habits (17:11 - 19:02)

   • Specific quirks such as aggressive condiments use, standing while wiping, or peculiar fork-holding techniques that elicit strong negative reactions.

   Vanessa Marin (17:25):
   "Squeezing condiments into his mouth instead of on a plate. Who does that?"

5. Repetitive Behaviors (15:03 - 16:22)

   • Repeating the same stories or jokes can lead to diminished interest and attraction over time.

Addressing and Managing "The Ick"

Vanessa and Xander explore strategies to handle "the Ick" effectively within relationships:

1. Normalizing "The Ick":

   • Acknowledging that everyone has minor annoyances and that it's a natural part of human relationships.

   Vanessa Marin (07:35):
   "Nobody is ick free. We all do things that are annoying and turn offs. It's part of being human."

2. Differentiating from Red Flags:

   • Clarifying that while "the Ick" involves minor annoyances, red flags pertain to serious issues like abuse or fundamental value differences.

   Vanessa Marin (06:09):
   "Red flags are about core beliefs and safety, whereas icks are lighter and more about personal turn-offs."

3. Removing Oneself from Negative Stimuli:

   • Choosing to distance oneself from behaviors that trigger "the Ick" when appropriate.

4. Open Communication:

   • Encouraging honest and gentle discussions with partners about bothersome behaviors without shaming them.

   Vanessa Marin (46:38):
   "Make a kind and gentle request. For example, ask your partner to be considerate about how they handle farting in shared spaces."

Listener Questions and Real-Life Scenarios

The episode features real listener questions, providing practical advice on navigating challenges related to "the Ick."

Case Study 1: Overcoming Habitual Baby Talk in a Long-Term Relationship

A listener shares her struggle with her fiancé’s persistent use of baby talk, which has impacted emotional intimacy and attraction.

Vanessa Marin (43:52):
"You've built resentment by suppressing your needs. Individual therapy could help you work through these feelings and rebuild your perception of your partner."

Xander Marin (42:34):
"Express your needs clearly. Your partner has responded positively by trying to change his habit, indicating a willingness to grow together."

Takeaway: Open communication and individual self-reflection are crucial in addressing deep-seated issues stemming from "the Ick."

Case Study 2: Managing Unwanted Dirty Texts

Another listener describes how her husband’s overly explicit texts during busy or stressful times are turning her off, despite his intentions to maintain intimacy.

Vanessa Marin (54:30):
"Be specific about the language you prefer. Create a positive environment where both partners can share what works best for them."

Xander Marin (55:48):
"Ensure consistency in your requests. Clear communication helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters mutual respect."

Takeaway: Customizing intimate communication to fit both partners' comfort levels can mitigate negative reactions to "the Ick."

Final Thoughts and Future Discussions

Vanessa and Xander conclude the episode by acknowledging the complexity of "the Ick" and emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and proactive communication in relationships. They hint at exploring the topic further in future episodes, encouraging listeners to share their stories and engage with them on social media.

Vanessa Marin (62:39):
"We have many more questions to explore. Let us know on Instagram if you want a part two!"

Notable Quotes

• Vanessa Marin (00:51):
  "It's the sex education you wish you'd had!"

• Xander Marin (01:54):
  "Even if you have multiple positive traits, one small negative can overshadow them."

• Vanessa Marin (07:35):
  "Nobody is ick free. We all do things that are annoying and turn offs."

• Vanessa Marin (46:38):
  "Make a kind and gentle request."

Conclusion

Episode 217 of Pillow Talks provides an insightful exploration of "the Ick," blending professional expertise with personal anecdotes to offer listeners a comprehensive understanding of this common relationship phenomenon. Vanessa and Xander Marin equip their audience with practical strategies to address and manage the "Ick," fostering healthier and more resilient romantic connections.

For more detailed discussions and resources mentioned in this episode, listeners are encouraged to visit the Pillow Talks Instagram page and explore their Deeper Memories membership for specialized guides and worksheets.