Pillow Talks Podcast Episode 218 Summary
Title: Got the Ick? Why It Happens in Relationships + What to Do About It pt. 2
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin | QCODE
Release Date: July 24, 2025

Introduction and Hosts

In Episode 218 of Pillow Talks, Vanessa and Xander Marin delve deeper into the concept of "the ick" within long-term relationships. Vanessa, a seasoned sex therapist with over two decades of experience, and Xander, her witty and relatable husband, explore how seemingly minor behaviors can erode attraction over time and provide actionable advice for couples navigating these challenges.

Understanding 'The Ick' in Long-term Relationships

The episode begins with Vanessa recapping the previous discussion on "the ick," a term traditionally associated with early-stage dating where small annoyances can lead to loss of interest. She notes, “[01:04] We’re back today to talk more about the ick... now that people... we start to use that language in long term relationships too.”

Xander adds, “[01:32] Because we talk about that now. It’s so common in dating, we start using it in long-term relationships.” They emphasize that while "the ick" often refers to detachable behaviors in dating, its application in enduring partnerships can be more complex and deeply rooted.

Listener Questions and Advice

1. Kinks Leading to the Ick

Timestamp: [18:14]

A listener shares her discomfort when her husband engages in a sexual act that involves him consuming his own ejaculate, leading her to erroneously question his sexual orientation. Vanessa addresses the misconception, clarifying, “[20:43] There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, but your sexual orientation is defined by the people that you are attracted to and want to have sex with…”

She advises setting clear boundaries and communicating personal discomfort without making unfounded assumptions about her partner’s sexuality. Xander humorously suggests, “[23:05] If you want to get mathematical about it... they cancel out,” highlighting the importance of distinguishing between sexual actions and sexual orientation.

Notable Quote:
Vanessa Marin: “You get to decide that for yourself.” [21:54]

2. Postpartum Challenges and the Ick

Timestamp: [30:31]

A listener, five months postpartum, expresses feelings of low libido and aversion to her husband’s bodily functions like belching, farting, and nose picking. She fears these reactions are unfair, especially since her husband has been supportive during her pregnancy and postpartum.

Vanessa offers a compassionate approach: “[37:09] I want to say this is very difficult for me to talk about because you have been such an incredible partner to me.” She recommends owning her feelings, explaining the impact on her desire, and requesting specific changes without shaming her husband.

Xander further suggests addressing the emotional aspect, “[39:57] This is about being here for each other... it's about how valued I feel here,” encouraging open communication about underlying feelings of connection and worth.

Notable Quote:
Xander Marin: “You don’t want to be feeling these things towards your husband.” [41:24]

3. Husband Complaining About Food Prices on Dates

Timestamp: [51:58]

A listener describes how her husband’s constant negative comments about food prices during date nights give her "the ick," making the experience unpleasant and causing her to doubt his desire to spend time together.

Vanessa praises the listener for identifying the root issue: “[53:07] That it's really about their approaches to money... like, I'm... history with money.” She emphasizes that the complaints may mask deeper feelings of not wanting to be present during shared activities.

Xander advises addressing the emotional impact directly: “[57:05] This is about feeling connected and feeling like he wants to be here with you.” He recommends expressing how his comments make her feel undervalued and reaffirming the importance of mutual enjoyment during date nights.

Notable Quote:
Vanessa Marin: “It feels like he doesn’t want to be there with me.” [53:48]

Conclusion

As the episode wraps up, Vanessa and Xander inject their signature humor into the discussion, lightening the mood after tackling some heavy topics related to "the ick." They encourage listeners to engage with them on social media and tease future episodes that continue to explore the nuances of maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Notable Quote:
Xander Marin: “Help break our tie.” [60:21]

Key Takeaways

• Communication is Crucial: Addressing "the ick" requires honest and compassionate conversations about personal boundaries and feelings.
• Understand Underlying Issues: Often, behaviors that cause "the ick" are symptoms of deeper relationship dynamics or individual challenges.
• Seek Professional Help When Needed: Especially in cases involving significant emotional reactions, consulting a therapist can provide valuable support and strategies.

For more in-depth discussions and relationship advice, subscribe to Pillow Talks and join Vanessa and Xander Marin on their journey to help couples strengthen their bonds and enhance their intimate lives.