Stressed about the holidays? Carolyn Hax has advice.

Post Reports – “Stressed about the holidays? Carolyn Hax has advice.”
Date: December 23, 2025 | Host: Elahe Izadi | Guest: Carolyn Hax (Washington Post advice columnist)

Overview

This episode of Post Reports brings advice columnist Carolyn Hax into the studio to answer reader-submitted questions about the perennial stress and emotional landmines of the holiday season. With nearly 30 years of experience at The Washington Post, Carolyn discusses seasonal patterns in family dynamics, the stresses of expectations, and practical strategies for managing fraught relationships and tough decisions. The conversation covers everything from meddling parents in the kitchen to stepparent stepchild rifts, and handling the holidays after a family loss.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Most Common Holiday Question (00:31–01:00)

Perennial Query: “Do I have to go to my family’s Christmas?”
Carolyn’s Core Principle:

"Of course you don’t have to do anything...The sentence, do I have to blank? No." (Carolyn Hax, 00:50)
— Encourages listeners to realize they are not obligated by tradition or expectation.

2. Carolyn’s Advice Philosophy and Holiday Patterns (01:50–05:21)

How Carolyn Approaches Advice:

“I’m gonna try not to tell them specifically what to do. It’s more what thought process to bring to it because it’s not my life.” (Carolyn Hax, 02:28)
Avoiding Prescriptive Advice: She focuses on helping people clarify their own priorities, not prescribing actions.
The Burden of “Should” and Expectation:

“With holidays, it’s very should and very supposed to be...Is what I’m doing right now about this? Am I making decisions that forward, that advance the cause of making myself feel better?...Or am I just making myself miserable? Am I making the people around me miserable?” (Carolyn Hax, 04:04–04:49)
— Holidays amplify expectations and underlying conflicts.

3. Reader Question #1: “Not Cooking at My Mother’s” (06:17–13:04)

Scenario: A listener describes the frustration of “being in charge” of holiday cooking at her mom’s, only for her mother to continue managing and interfering—leading to critical family comparisons.
Carolyn’s Diagnosis:
- The mother is struggling with giving up the matriarchal role, feeling both resistant to letting go and unable to do it all.
- Poor communication on both sides—neither party is addressing the emotions under the surface.
Advice:
- Have a candid conversation before the holiday about what the mother wants to do and give her a role that honors her contributions (a “signature dish” etc.).
- Assign her a task that gives her pride and a sense of centrality without making her run the entire show.
- Ignore minor complaints from kids—focus on supporting your mom.
Memorable moment:

“This is mom needs a hug and a purpose that is not running the whole show.” (Carolyn Hax, 10:11)

4. Reader Question #2: “Stepdad Chooses Adult Daughter Over My Mother’s Wishes” (13:04–19:54)

Scenario: A stepdaughter is upset her stepdad spent Thanksgiving with his own daughter instead of her mother, and wants advice on holiday conflicts fueled by guilt, grief, and family boundaries.
Carolyn’s Take:
- “This is the couple’s issue. This is not the daughter’s issue.” (Carolyn Hax, 15:25)
- The letter writer is over-involved; it’s not her battle to fix her mother’s marriage.
- Suggests the writer focus on supporting her mom and enjoying their own holiday, not entangling herself further.
Further Discussion:
- If the wife is unhappy, she should clearly communicate her feelings to her husband, possibly involving counseling, but ultimately decide if she’s willing to continue if nothing changes.
- Sometimes, after all conversations are exhausted, a boundary is necessary.
Notable Quote:

“You can’t win against a 45-year-old daughter who is using the dead mother argument against her father...it’s over.” (Carolyn Hax, 15:25)

5. Reader Question #3: “Just Family Holidays” – Navigating Absence and Estrangement (22:25–27:03)

Scenario: A woman is raising her late sister’s son, who wants his father (the writer’s brother-in-law, who recently exited prison and previously stole from her) present on Christmas morning. The writer feels uncomfortable but knows her nephew will be hurt.
Carolyn’s Response:
- This situation is about much more than Christmas—it signals ongoing complexities of grief, loss, and family trauma.
- Valid to prevent the father from living in the home after theft, but…
"I don’t think that having no contact with the father is tenable long term." (Carolyn Hax, 24:13)
- Strongly recommends involving a child psychologist or external support to focus on the child’s best interests, as these issues will keep recurring.
Practical Christmas Advice:
- Arrange an off-site, temporary solution if necessary, but prioritize long-term support.
- The most important factor is the stability and love already being provided.

6. Rapid Fire Holiday Questions (27:30–31:47)

Notable Scenarios and Answers:

In-law You Don’t Like, Partner Wants You to Go:

“You go. Grow up.” (Carolyn Hax, 27:45)
Bringing a Friend to Work Party Instead of a Plus-One:
- “What you need is secondary to what your career needs.” Read the room and culture.
Hating a Partner’s Gift:

“Sometimes a bad gift is just a really wonderful partner missing the mark...you always go to the deeper level of, wow, this person thought of me and loves me and gave me something out of love. And you go, thank you.” (Carolyn Hax, 28:46–29:03)
Both Families Host Dinner, Which Do You Pick?:
- Go to the one “you owe more at the moment” (meaning: who you’ve been seeing less).
Friend Can’t Afford the Trip:
- Depends on the friend—some would appreciate help, some might be embarrassed. Know your friend!
Do You Have to Buy Everyone a Gift?
- “If you have a really good, healthy family, you can go uneven and know that everything is going to even out in the end. But if you’ve got one of these sort of like chippy bean county families, then you know it’s going to be a problem. And that’s when you need to move to the other side of the country…” (Carolyn Hax, 30:34–30:56)
Guests Arrive Hours Early:

“I would probably invite them in and put them to work.” (Carolyn Hax, 31:43)

Memorable Quotes & Closing Advice

Carolyn’s Core Mantra for Holiday Survival:

“It’ll pass. Like it’s gonna...It’s just a moment.” (Carolyn Hax, 32:09)
— The reminder that even the most high-stress situation is temporary.
On Perspective:

“And worst case scenario, it’s gonna be a great story.” (Carolyn Hax, 32:26)

Timestamps for Key Segments

00:31 – Most common holiday advice question
01:50 – Advice-giving philosophy
04:04 – “Should,” expectations, and holiday emotional spikes
06:17–13:04 – “Not Cooking at My Mother’s”—navigating roles at the holiday table
13:04–19:54 – “Stepdad Chooses Daughter”—boundaries and stepfamilies
22:25–27:03 – Heavy holiday: raising nephew, absent parents, and hard choices
27:30–31:47 – Rapid fire holiday etiquette/scenario questions
32:09–32:26 – Parting wisdom for tough holiday moments

Tone

Carolyn is candid, pragmatic, and warm—equal parts no-nonsense and empathetic. Elahe keeps the conversation lively and relatable, often interjecting humor or validating Carolyn’s insights with her own experiences.

Summary Takeaways

You are not required to play out any tradition that causes more harm than good.
Healthy boundaries, honest communication, and empathy for the underlying emotions (not just the surface argument) are critical—especially around the holidays.
Often, “fixing” another person’s dynamic is impossible; focus on your own responses and responsibilities.
Rapid-fire answers boil down to maturity, generosity, and knowing your own loved ones.
Whatever the holiday stress, “it’ll pass”—and it might make for the best family story in years to come.

Post Reports – “Stressed about the holidays? Carolyn Hax has advice.”
Date: December 23, 2025 | Host: Elahe Izadi | Guest: Carolyn Hax (Washington Post advice columnist)

Overview

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Most Common Holiday Question (00:31–01:00)

Perennial Query: “Do I have to go to my family’s Christmas?”
Carolyn’s Core Principle:

"Of course you don’t have to do anything...The sentence, do I have to blank? No." (Carolyn Hax, 00:50)
— Encourages listeners to realize they are not obligated by tradition or expectation.

2. Carolyn’s Advice Philosophy and Holiday Patterns (01:50–05:21)

How Carolyn Approaches Advice:

“I’m gonna try not to tell them specifically what to do. It’s more what thought process to bring to it because it’s not my life.” (Carolyn Hax, 02:28)
Avoiding Prescriptive Advice: She focuses on helping people clarify their own priorities, not prescribing actions.
The Burden of “Should” and Expectation:

“With holidays, it’s very should and very supposed to be...Is what I’m doing right now about this? Am I making decisions that forward, that advance the cause of making myself feel better?...Or am I just making myself miserable? Am I making the people around me miserable?” (Carolyn Hax, 04:04–04:49)
— Holidays amplify expectations and underlying conflicts.

3. Reader Question #1: “Not Cooking at My Mother’s” (06:17–13:04)

Scenario: A listener describes the frustration of “being in charge” of holiday cooking at her mom’s, only for her mother to continue managing and interfering—leading to critical family comparisons.
Carolyn’s Diagnosis:
- The mother is struggling with giving up the matriarchal role, feeling both resistant to letting go and unable to do it all.
- Poor communication on both sides—neither party is addressing the emotions under the surface.
Advice:
- Have a candid conversation before the holiday about what the mother wants to do and give her a role that honors her contributions (a “signature dish” etc.).
- Assign her a task that gives her pride and a sense of centrality without making her run the entire show.
- Ignore minor complaints from kids—focus on supporting your mom.
Memorable moment:

“This is mom needs a hug and a purpose that is not running the whole show.” (Carolyn Hax, 10:11)

4. Reader Question #2: “Stepdad Chooses Adult Daughter Over My Mother’s Wishes” (13:04–19:54)

Scenario: A stepdaughter is upset her stepdad spent Thanksgiving with his own daughter instead of her mother, and wants advice on holiday conflicts fueled by guilt, grief, and family boundaries.
Carolyn’s Take:
- “This is the couple’s issue. This is not the daughter’s issue.” (Carolyn Hax, 15:25)
- The letter writer is over-involved; it’s not her battle to fix her mother’s marriage.
- Suggests the writer focus on supporting her mom and enjoying their own holiday, not entangling herself further.
Further Discussion:
- If the wife is unhappy, she should clearly communicate her feelings to her husband, possibly involving counseling, but ultimately decide if she’s willing to continue if nothing changes.
- Sometimes, after all conversations are exhausted, a boundary is necessary.
Notable Quote:

“You can’t win against a 45-year-old daughter who is using the dead mother argument against her father...it’s over.” (Carolyn Hax, 15:25)

5. Reader Question #3: “Just Family Holidays” – Navigating Absence and Estrangement (22:25–27:03)

Scenario: A woman is raising her late sister’s son, who wants his father (the writer’s brother-in-law, who recently exited prison and previously stole from her) present on Christmas morning. The writer feels uncomfortable but knows her nephew will be hurt.
Carolyn’s Response:
- This situation is about much more than Christmas—it signals ongoing complexities of grief, loss, and family trauma.
- Valid to prevent the father from living in the home after theft, but…
"I don’t think that having no contact with the father is tenable long term." (Carolyn Hax, 24:13)
- Strongly recommends involving a child psychologist or external support to focus on the child’s best interests, as these issues will keep recurring.
Practical Christmas Advice:
- Arrange an off-site, temporary solution if necessary, but prioritize long-term support.
- The most important factor is the stability and love already being provided.

6. Rapid Fire Holiday Questions (27:30–31:47)

Notable Scenarios and Answers:

In-law You Don’t Like, Partner Wants You to Go:

“You go. Grow up.” (Carolyn Hax, 27:45)
Bringing a Friend to Work Party Instead of a Plus-One:
- “What you need is secondary to what your career needs.” Read the room and culture.
Hating a Partner’s Gift:

“Sometimes a bad gift is just a really wonderful partner missing the mark...you always go to the deeper level of, wow, this person thought of me and loves me and gave me something out of love. And you go, thank you.” (Carolyn Hax, 28:46–29:03)
Both Families Host Dinner, Which Do You Pick?:
- Go to the one “you owe more at the moment” (meaning: who you’ve been seeing less).
Friend Can’t Afford the Trip:
- Depends on the friend—some would appreciate help, some might be embarrassed. Know your friend!
Do You Have to Buy Everyone a Gift?
- “If you have a really good, healthy family, you can go uneven and know that everything is going to even out in the end. But if you’ve got one of these sort of like chippy bean county families, then you know it’s going to be a problem. And that’s when you need to move to the other side of the country…” (Carolyn Hax, 30:34–30:56)
Guests Arrive Hours Early:

“I would probably invite them in and put them to work.” (Carolyn Hax, 31:43)

Memorable Quotes & Closing Advice

Carolyn’s Core Mantra for Holiday Survival:

“It’ll pass. Like it’s gonna...It’s just a moment.” (Carolyn Hax, 32:09)
— The reminder that even the most high-stress situation is temporary.
On Perspective:

“And worst case scenario, it’s gonna be a great story.” (Carolyn Hax, 32:26)

Timestamps for Key Segments

00:31 – Most common holiday advice question
01:50 – Advice-giving philosophy
04:04 – “Should,” expectations, and holiday emotional spikes
06:17–13:04 – “Not Cooking at My Mother’s”—navigating roles at the holiday table
13:04–19:54 – “Stepdad Chooses Daughter”—boundaries and stepfamilies
22:25–27:03 – Heavy holiday: raising nephew, absent parents, and hard choices
27:30–31:47 – Rapid fire holiday etiquette/scenario questions
32:09–32:26 – Parting wisdom for tough holiday moments

Tone

Summary Takeaways

You are not required to play out any tradition that causes more harm than good.
Healthy boundaries, honest communication, and empathy for the underlying emotions (not just the surface argument) are critical—especially around the holidays.
Often, “fixing” another person’s dynamic is impossible; focus on your own responses and responsibilities.
Rapid-fire answers boil down to maturity, generosity, and knowing your own loved ones.
Whatever the holiday stress, “it’ll pass”—and it might make for the best family story in years to come.

wavePod

Summary

Overview

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Most Common Holiday Question (00:31–01:00)

2. Carolyn’s Advice Philosophy and Holiday Patterns (01:50–05:21)

3. Reader Question #1: “Not Cooking at My Mother’s” (06:17–13:04)

4. Reader Question #2: “Stepdad Chooses Adult Daughter Over My Mother’s Wishes” (13:04–19:54)

5. Reader Question #3: “Just Family Holidays” – Navigating Absence and Estrangement (22:25–27:03)

6. Rapid Fire Holiday Questions (27:30–31:47)

Notable Scenarios and Answers:

Memorable Quotes & Closing Advice

Timestamps for Key Segments

Tone

Summary Takeaways

Transcript

Summary

Overview

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Most Common Holiday Question (00:31–01:00)

2. Carolyn’s Advice Philosophy and Holiday Patterns (01:50–05:21)

3. Reader Question #1: “Not Cooking at My Mother’s” (06:17–13:04)

4. Reader Question #2: “Stepdad Chooses Adult Daughter Over My Mother’s Wishes” (13:04–19:54)

5. Reader Question #3: “Just Family Holidays” – Navigating Absence and Estrangement (22:25–27:03)

6. Rapid Fire Holiday Questions (27:30–31:47)

Notable Scenarios and Answers:

Memorable Quotes & Closing Advice

Timestamps for Key Segments

Tone

Summary Takeaways