Stressed about the holidays? Carolyn Hax has advice.

Summary

Post Reports – “Stressed about the holidays? Carolyn Hax has advice.”
Date: December 23, 2025 | Host: Elahe Izadi | Guest: Carolyn Hax (Washington Post advice columnist)

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Overview

This episode of Post Reports brings advice columnist Carolyn Hax into the studio to answer reader-submitted questions about the perennial stress and emotional landmines of the holiday season. With nearly 30 years of experience at The Washington Post, Carolyn discusses seasonal patterns in family dynamics, the stresses of expectations, and practical strategies for managing fraught relationships and tough decisions. The conversation covers everything from meddling parents in the kitchen to stepparent stepchild rifts, and handling the holidays after a family loss.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Most Common Holiday Question (00:31–01:00)

• Perennial Query: “Do I have to go to my family’s Christmas?”
• Carolyn’s Core Principle:

  "Of course you don’t have to do anything...The sentence, do I have to blank? No." (Carolyn Hax, 00:50)
  — Encourages listeners to realize they are not obligated by tradition or expectation.

2. Carolyn’s Advice Philosophy and Holiday Patterns (01:50–05:21)

• How Carolyn Approaches Advice:

  “I’m gonna try not to tell them specifically what to do. It’s more what thought process to bring to it because it’s not my life.” (Carolyn Hax, 02:28)

• Avoiding Prescriptive Advice: She focuses on helping people clarify their own priorities, not prescribing actions.
• The Burden of “Should” and Expectation:

  “With holidays, it’s very should and very supposed to be...Is what I’m doing right now about this? Am I making decisions that forward, that advance the cause of making myself feel better?...Or am I just making myself miserable? Am I making the people around me miserable?” (Carolyn Hax, 04:04–04:49)
  — Holidays amplify expectations and underlying conflicts.

3. Reader Question #1: “Not Cooking at My Mother’s” (06:17–13:04)

• Scenario: A listener describes the frustration of “being in charge” of holiday cooking at her mom’s, only for her mother to continue managing and interfering—leading to critical family comparisons.
• Carolyn’s Diagnosis:
  • The mother is struggling with giving up the matriarchal role, feeling both resistant to letting go and unable to do it all.
  • Poor communication on both sides—neither party is addressing the emotions under the surface.
• Advice:
  • Have a candid conversation before the holiday about what the mother wants to do and give her a role that honors her contributions (a “signature dish” etc.).
  • Assign her a task that gives her pride and a sense of centrality without making her run the entire show.
  • Ignore minor complaints from kids—focus on supporting your mom.
• Memorable moment:

  “This is mom needs a hug and a purpose that is not running the whole show.” (Carolyn Hax, 10:11)

4. Reader Question #2: “Stepdad Chooses Adult Daughter Over My Mother’s Wishes” (13:04–19:54)

• Scenario: A stepdaughter is upset her stepdad spent Thanksgiving with his own daughter instead of her mother, and wants advice on holiday conflicts fueled by guilt, grief, and family boundaries.
• Carolyn’s Take:
  • “This is the couple’s issue. This is not the daughter’s issue.” (Carolyn Hax, 15:25)
  • The letter writer is over-involved; it’s not her battle to fix her mother’s marriage.
  • Suggests the writer focus on supporting her mom and enjoying their own holiday, not entangling herself further.
• Further Discussion:
  • If the wife is unhappy, she should clearly communicate her feelings to her husband, possibly involving counseling, but ultimately decide if she’s willing to continue if nothing changes.
  • Sometimes, after all conversations are exhausted, a boundary is necessary.
• Notable Quote:

  “You can’t win against a 45-year-old daughter who is using the dead mother argument against her father...it’s over.” (Carolyn Hax, 15:25)

5. Reader Question #3: “Just Family Holidays” – Navigating Absence and Estrangement (22:25–27:03)

• Scenario: A woman is raising her late sister’s son, who wants his father (the writer’s brother-in-law, who recently exited prison and previously stole from her) present on Christmas morning. The writer feels uncomfortable but knows her nephew will be hurt.
• Carolyn’s Response:
  • This situation is about much more than Christmas—it signals ongoing complexities of grief, loss, and family trauma.
  • Valid to prevent the father from living in the home after theft, but…

  "I don’t think that having no contact with the father is tenable long term." (Carolyn Hax, 24:13)

  • Strongly recommends involving a child psychologist or external support to focus on the child’s best interests, as these issues will keep recurring.
• Practical Christmas Advice:
  • Arrange an off-site, temporary solution if necessary, but prioritize long-term support.
  • The most important factor is the stability and love already being provided.

6. Rapid Fire Holiday Questions (27:30–31:47)

Notable Scenarios and Answers:

• In-law You Don’t Like, Partner Wants You to Go:

  “You go. Grow up.” (Carolyn Hax, 27:45)

• Bringing a Friend to Work Party Instead of a Plus-One:
  • “What you need is secondary to what your career needs.” Read the room and culture.
• Hating a Partner’s Gift:

  “Sometimes a bad gift is just a really wonderful partner missing the mark...you always go to the deeper level of, wow, this person thought of me and loves me and gave me something out of love. And you go, thank you.” (Carolyn Hax, 28:46–29:03)

• Both Families Host Dinner, Which Do You Pick?:
  • Go to the one “you owe more at the moment” (meaning: who you’ve been seeing less).
• Friend Can’t Afford the Trip:
  • Depends on the friend—some would appreciate help, some might be embarrassed. Know your friend!
• Do You Have to Buy Everyone a Gift?
  • “If you have a really good, healthy family, you can go uneven and know that everything is going to even out in the end. But if you’ve got one of these sort of like chippy bean county families, then you know it’s going to be a problem. And that’s when you need to move to the other side of the country…” (Carolyn Hax, 30:34–30:56)
• Guests Arrive Hours Early:

  “I would probably invite them in and put them to work.” (Carolyn Hax, 31:43)

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Memorable Quotes & Closing Advice

• Carolyn’s Core Mantra for Holiday Survival:

  “It’ll pass. Like it’s gonna...It’s just a moment.” (Carolyn Hax, 32:09)
  — The reminder that even the most high-stress situation is temporary.

• On Perspective:

  “And worst case scenario, it’s gonna be a great story.” (Carolyn Hax, 32:26)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:31 – Most common holiday advice question
• 01:50 – Advice-giving philosophy
• 04:04 – “Should,” expectations, and holiday emotional spikes
• 06:17–13:04 – “Not Cooking at My Mother’s”—navigating roles at the holiday table
• 13:04–19:54 – “Stepdad Chooses Daughter”—boundaries and stepfamilies
• 22:25–27:03 – Heavy holiday: raising nephew, absent parents, and hard choices
• 27:30–31:47 – Rapid fire holiday etiquette/scenario questions
• 32:09–32:26 – Parting wisdom for tough holiday moments

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Tone

Carolyn is candid, pragmatic, and warm—equal parts no-nonsense and empathetic. Elahe keeps the conversation lively and relatable, often interjecting humor or validating Carolyn’s insights with her own experiences.

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Summary Takeaways

• You are not required to play out any tradition that causes more harm than good.
• Healthy boundaries, honest communication, and empathy for the underlying emotions (not just the surface argument) are critical—especially around the holidays.
• Often, “fixing” another person’s dynamic is impossible; focus on your own responses and responsibilities.
• Rapid-fire answers boil down to maturity, generosity, and knowing your own loved ones.
• Whatever the holiday stress, “it’ll pass”—and it might make for the best family story in years to come.

Transcript

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[Elahe Izadi]

Doing this for a while. What is, like, the one question that you get year after year after year, to the point where you're like, why do I keep getting this question? Why can't people get it in their heads? Like, what is that question for you?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Oh, do I have to go to my family's Christmas?

[Elahe Izadi]

Really?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yes.

[Elahe Izadi]

What is the answer?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Of course you don't have to do anything. And it's going in life, right? And it's like the sentence, do I have to blank? No.

[Elahe Izadi]

No. From the newsroom of the Washington Post, this is Post Reports. I'm Elahei izadi. It's Tuesday, December 23rd. Today, I'm joined by advice columnist Carolyn Hacks to talk about how to navigate the holidays. Carolyn has been writing her advice column for the post for nearly 30, 30 years now. So she's seen and heard it all when it comes to messy relationships and tricky family dynamics, especially around this time of year. So today we brought Carolyn into the studio to answer some reader questions, and we're going to put her to the test with some tough holiday scenarios. Carolyn, thanks for joining me today.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Thanks for having me.

[Elahe Izadi]

Are you ready for this?

[Carolyn Hacks]

I don't know.

[Elahe Izadi]

I'm so excited. I've been wanting to talk to you about, I mean, I mean, all sorts of problems and issues because this is what you do. You have been doing this for many years now at the Post. You have seen and heard it all, like we said. And before we get into some of the specific questions that we received from readers, and I'm dying to hear what your answers are gonna be. I'm just curious what goes into your process for giving advice? Like, how do you actually decide what to tell someone? Cause that's like such a vulnerable thing. Like, you are. Someone's asking you for your advice and. And you're basically telling them what they should do.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yeah, I actually decided very early on that I'm gonna try not to tell them specifically what to do. It's more what thought process to bring to it because it's not my life.

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Oh.

[Carolyn Hacks]

And what I would do in this situation is probably different from what this person would do, but I can lay out a bunch of thought processes. Okay, here are the major issues. This is the stuff. And I can also point out, I think this thing that you're worried about is a distraction. So I will look at everything that's in the let and I will say what I think the important stuff is.

[Elahe Izadi]

So is part of when you say, like, you don't want to give specifics because it's not your life and so there's a danger in being too prescriptive.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Exactly. So all I can do is look at a situation and assess it to the best of my ability and say, okay, here's what I would think about if I were in this situation, and here are the decisions that I would make, and I have to take the person at their word because or else we should all just pack it in. And I always love those comments too, is like, how do you know that this is true? I'm like, of course I don't. But, you know, can we just agree on some basic premise that somebody's telling the truth?

[Elahe Izadi]

You know, Carolyn, I know that you have been doing this weekly chat for a while, and like we said, you've been giving advice for many years. And it's holiday season, and it just seems like around this time of year there are these scenarios that come up time and time again. What is it about the holiday season that surfaces so many of these things for people?

[Carolyn Hacks]

One of the joys of doing something for a long time is you get to see some things that start to some patterns that develop in your own thinking that you start to spot over time. And I've recognized that I personally have a real problem with the word should, don't, should at me. And I see people getting upset when they have a lot of should in their letters. I'm like, ooh, you know, what about that should thing? You know? And so with holidays, it's very should and very supposed to be. And so is my question right now about this? Is what I'm doing right now about this? Am I making decisions that forward, that advance the cause of making myself feel better?

[Elahe Izadi]

Yeah.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Or am I just making myself miserable? Am I making the people around me miserable? Am I overspending? Am I overeating? Am I over stressing?

[Elahe Izadi]

Well, like Carolyn, what you were saying about the should, what I hear in that is the weight of expectation and that there's so much saddled in this moment. But whatever issue is kind of underlying the dynamic between you and another person or you and multiple people is going to like be even more pronounced because it's this time of year and just having the weight of the expectation makes it that much more difficult.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Right. There's so much disappointment. I would almost go back to having it just be a day if you can't get out of it. What if you can't get the initial goals out of it, which is gather, feel some warmth, have some joy, then go back to having it be nothing. Yeah.

[Elahe Izadi]

Wow.

[Carolyn Hacks]

And make it a day and maybe build back onto that. And again, this is a source of criticism that I get that sometimes what I suggest is too individualistic. But I think that every great group thing is built on the healthy individual. Like you have healthy people coming together and building something great and coming into this time of year with all of these shoulds and supposed to be and all these expectations. It's a really bad combination.

[Elahe Izadi]

Oh, it's like a recipe for disaster.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Right?

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay, so with all of this in mind, let's dive into some of the questions that readers submitted this year. I have a few and I'm going to read them and I wanna hear your take on each one. So the first one is titled Not Cooking at my Mother's. So this person writes hi Carolyn, Happy holidays. In attempt to keep mine civil, I want to know what to do about my mother's kibitzing the holiday meal for Thanksgiving. She couldn't come to us, so we went to and she insisted that you were cooking. Okay. So I was perfectly fine with that. I prefer to do the turkey my way and the stuffing and the vegetables. So I go over the evening prior to prep the things and to make the morning's cooking go a little more smoothly. But when I arrived, she had already prepped the vegetables and started the stuffing. I sighed but helped her finish what was left. The following morning when I came over with the turkey, thank everything holy. I thought to keep it with me at the hotel in the full sized fridge in our room. Okay. I apparently put it in the wrong pan, didn't use the foil correctly. I bit my tongue and adjusted to my mother's instructions on how to cook the turkey, the vegetables, the stuffing, but it was incredibly frustrating. Next time when I'm told that I'm cooking, can I shoo her out of the kitchen into her living room so that she will leave me alone? Comments were made by my family about how the turkey, vegetables and stuffing were different than last year. The under 10 child noted that my turkey looked better last year and why didn't I do the vegetables that way and they didn't like the stuffing and all that. Privately afterward, my mother basically said, you should have told me that X liked the turkey and vegetables and stuffing that way. And I said how you had already prepped the vegetables and stuffing before I even came over. And you told me the turkey would be better your way. So I did that. Okay. So I am just dreading Christmas now. Carolyn, suggestions?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yes, I have a suggestion. When she said, you're cooking, you can come over, but you're cooking. That is mom saying, it's too much for me. But she's not saying, I don't want any part of this. Obviously she doesn't want you shoving her out and taking over for her.

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay. But I have to ask, though, because, like, if she is saying by saying you're doing the cooking that it's too much for her, but then she starts doing all these things and then feels overwhelmed, like, what are you supposed to do?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Well, she's not communicating well.

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Who?

[Elahe Izadi]

The mother.

[Carolyn Hacks]

The mother is not communicating well. And the. I assume this is a daughter because.

[Elahe Izadi]

Yeah, I think that's the vibe.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Since when? Anyway, but that's a whole other question.

[Elahe Izadi]

That's a whole other question we can ask. That's my question.

[Carolyn Hacks]

But the daughter is not picking up what the mother is trying not to put down. So this is. And the thing is, this is just so common. This is so common. Oh, yeah. So the person who does it all these years is aging out of it and feeling very mixed feelings about this. And again, some feelings aren't mixed. It's like, yeah, I'm out. Bye. But some are feeling really, really pained about this.

[Elahe Izadi]

Is it like a loss of purpose almost?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yes. This is a loss of, like, I'm at the top. Like, I am the matriarch. I am. I provide. I take care of you all. I am. You all come to me and I decide. And now I'm getting displaced, and now I'm going to be useless. I am going to be in the corner. Nobody's gonna talk to me. You know, I'm dying. Like, I'm gonna have no purpose. And this is really hard. So the mom is going through something really, really doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to admit it, doesn't want to. Isn't ready to write herself out, but also isn't ready to do everything and isn't ready to. And again, is not communicating this well, is not communicating her discomfort. And the child is not picking up on it. They're stuck on the surface. And this is way below the surface, this is mom needs a hug and a purpose that is not running the whole show.

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay, so in this case, what would you advise this person?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Do you know? I would say step back and say that your mom really desperately would be in charge of this whole meal if she could be, but feels like she can't be and wants help, but doesn't want to be written out of her leading role and is not prepared to give it up. And so you two need to coordinate on how your mom can still be really vital and important but not in charge. So this is where you decide. You talk to your mom about. What do you feel you want to do? Like, what do you want to be in charge of? How much do you want to manage and think about all those years with your mom? I mean, this is your mother. So you know what she takes pride in? Give her something that she takes pride in, and that's her job, and you absolutely count on her for that. So is there a dish that she's. That she loves or has got from her mother or that the kids are always excited about? Or is there a part of the meal that has always been important to her? Or is there a way of preparation? Is there a time of day that she has always insisted on serving some? Part of this has always been her signature. Build it around that and make sure that she is central somehow. But not being. Again, not being the Thanksgiving meal master or the Christmas meal master. And that way, you can still be in charge, but with a much lighter hand. And I think you have to have a conversation with your family.

[Elahe Izadi]

Oh, yeah. That was the other part of what I was saying. Who cares about your kid? I'm sorry. Yes, you should care about what your kid wants. But it's. Kid, just feed them the stuffing. Like, who cares, right? Come on. And this is your mother.

[Carolyn Hacks]

This is coming up, too, a lot. And I am just. I don't know. And maybe this is where I show my age.

[Elahe Izadi]

I'm with you.

[Carolyn Hacks]

But where are these kids saying out loud, this stuffing tastes funny? Like, I would never, never at my grandmother's. And believe me, that stuffing tasted funny.

[Elahe Izadi]

But, I mean, you keep it to yourself like a good grandkid.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Oh, thanks, Grandma. Yeah, you know, and it was in my napkin like everybody else's.

[Elahe Izadi]

And like everyone else's, this woman lived through war. All right? Leave her alone. Okay, I have another one for you, and I'm very curious to see how you're gonna deal with this one. Okay. This one is called stepdad Chooses his Adult daughter over my Mother's wishes for the holidays. All right, this person writes, My 75 year old stepdad spent this Thanksgiving with his 45 year old daughter, her husband and two teenage kids over my mom's wish that he join her. She's 70, at a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner with her adult children. Okay, do we have like the setup? There's like. I know there's a lot of family relationships, so it's like pretend I'm writing. It's my stepdad. He's married to my mom and he's got an adult kid and she's got her family. And the adult daughter insisted that rather than spending Thanksgiving with his wife and her kids, that she has to, that he has to go with her. So he initially agreed to joining the four of us and planned to stick to his guns. But his daughter pressured him, saying her late mother would have expected it. She also belittled the restaurant experience, saying, no one does that. She's very negative and my stepdad is afraid to say no to her, even if it's something he doesn't want to do. He moaned for days about it, not looking forward to it. He and my mom have been married for eight years now. His widow told him to never remarry. And the daughter does not accept my mom or any of us in her life and is not nice to her. She said she doesn't need any more people in her life. In addition, she refers to her deceased mother constantly to my stepdad, like mom would have liked this or that. I'm trying to figure out the right way to handle these holiday conflicts. Hosting is too much work for my mom. Remember, she's 70. My stepsister does not engage with me and my siblings, which seems okay since we're all adults. When our parents connected, they were all grown up. It's not like they were kids when their parents got married. So my stepdad does everything with my mom. So this separation is hard on them. Even though he made the final decision, this scenario repeats often. My mom feels hurt and frustrated. Carolyn, thoughts please.

[Carolyn Hacks]

You can't win against a 45 year old daughter who is using the dead mother argument against her father. Like, let's have just the living people determine this. So we're already. It's over. Like, there's no winning this. So. But anyway. But I'm so far down a side path because here's the thing. The person who wrote this letter has no place in this debate. This is the, this is, I mean, this is the couple's issue. This is not the daughter's Issue, she says to her 70 year old mother, remarried mother, in this scenario, like, what can I do to help? That's it, that's it. Like this is not her issue. This is the mother's issue with her husband. She's totally over, you know, just over involved here.

[Elahe Izadi]

Wow, I was not expecting you to say that. Like, this is not her marriage.

[Carolyn Hacks]

This is not her marriage.

[Elahe Izadi]

This is not your problem to fix.

[Carolyn Hacks]

This is not her problem to fix. So just. Okay. Absolutely, mom. We'll have a wonderful holiday. I'm sorry your husband is caught up with the daughter stuff, but obviously we're here for you and we'll have a wonderful holiday. What do you need? That's it? That's the only place you have here?

[Elahe Izadi]

Yeah. Okay, so that feels like very clear cut advice for the person who wrote in the daughter. But if the mother wrote in and laid out this scenario, what should the mother do?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yeah, I think it's. Well, it's one of those things. So you're in this marriage and your spouse has. Seems like no spine.

[Elahe Izadi]

Wow, Carolyn.

[Carolyn Hacks]

All right, well, seriously, I mean, seriously misplaced priorities. Like you're letting your 45 year old child manipulate you with either complex grief.

[Elahe Izadi]

Or.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Just manipulative intent. And I think it's one of those where you just say, do you wanna stay married? And if you do wanna stay married, then you say, well, I will be with my family when you figure your stuff out. We're here.

[Elahe Izadi]

Whoa. It's like at that level for you?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Oh, yeah.

[Elahe Izadi]

It's kind of a question.

[Carolyn Hacks]

If the 70 year old wife that we're talking about cannot change her husband's mind herself.

[Elahe Izadi]

Yeah, of course.

[Carolyn Hacks]

She can ask. She can say what her position is and what her feelings are. She can tell him the cost of his, of his capitulation to his daughter, to her emotionally, she can say the emotional cost to her. But she cannot do anything besides that and leaving.

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay, can I. Not that I'm an advice columnist, but I wonder if there's like a third path where the mom, the one in the marriage could look within herself and ask herself, you know, what is the importance of this for her? And if she asks her husband like, yes, you complain all the time about doing this, you don't wanna do it, but then you end up doing it. Like, are you doing this because you're still grieving? Are you doing this because you feel like if you don't do this, you're gonna lose a connection with your daughter? Like, what is it that you actually, why you're doing this and then ask, like, well, what do you need?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Certainly, yes. I mean, this is, and this is, they could have longer conversations about, like, do you need counseling? You know, there are obviously a lot of conversations about what that family has needed. There's obviously conversation, sure. But it's more the, and also there's the looking inward, like, am I not giving enough options in what we want to do? You know, am I always saying my.

[Elahe Izadi]

Family, it's gotta be this way.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Right? It's gotta be this way. You know, are we, are we not arranging? I mean, I mean, what I was saying is the end point. Like, we have talked all of this stuff out and we are at the impasse. So where now? Like, well, you have a decision.

[Elahe Izadi]

Yeah.

[Carolyn Hacks]

And, you know, and I just, and I will not do the endless banging of the head against the wall.

[Elahe Izadi]

After the break, Carolyn gives more advice to readers and I throw her some fastball holiday questions. We'll be right back.

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[Elahe Izadi]

Okay, so I have one more question from a reader. This one is a little heavier. It's called Just Family Holidays. Hi Carolyn. My sister died a year ago and her son lives with me and my daughter. Both kids are in fifth grade. Her husband. So my deceased sister's husband was living with us after getting out of prison, but no longer is after stealing money from me. I gave him a chance and now he is no longer welcome here and I have no contact with him. He sees his son, my nephew, at my parents home, which is where we have Thanksgiving. And that's the first time seeing him since Labor Day. My question though is about Christmas at our house. The two kids are so excited about waking up together on Christmas morning and I'm torn about whether or not I let my brother in law over to share it with his son. I know my nephew will be sad if his dad is not here. What do you think? Oh, this is so heavy.

[Carolyn Hacks]

This is so heavy. Yeah, I just.

[Elahe Izadi]

But, but, but the thing about this question that stands out to me is it's so heavy but at the core of it, it's like, what about this tradition with this child this morning? Like this is where the heaviness kind of manifests.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Right.

[Elahe Izadi]

So how do you navigate it?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Well, well obviously the Christmas element of it is just the most symbolic and painful representation of a much bigger question, which is at some point, if the person writing the letter is raising this child as a parent, I don't think that having no contact with the father is tenable long term.

[Elahe Izadi]

So what should she do if she's not comfortable with him being in her home?

[Carolyn Hacks]

No, that I understand. Like, okay, you can't live with us. That I get, you stole from me. You can't live with us. That is an absolutely rational, acceptable and responsible limit. But I think the Christmas question is forcing a reckoning with a bigger question of what is, what is practical with this, with this child living with us, what is healthy for the kid. This is one of those situations where I have to know my limits and I would want Anyway, given this situation, I would want a child psychologist on the scene in this family on call, if not already, as soon as possible.

[Elahe Izadi]

I mean, that might not be practical for them. I don't know their financial situation.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yeah, but it's one of those where you talk to the state and I know I'm sounding naive here, but really when you start working at it, you can find people who will. You can find some resources. You can find some resources. You want somebody, the person raising this child, the person writing in needs to have somebody to consult. This is a, you know, the mother died, right? Yeah. So this is a dead mother and this is an imprisoned father. And now who was in prison and now is out. So this is, this is a child trauma. And so you want. I am not going to answer a Christmas question without answering the fundamental question of please get, you know, please get somebody on the scene for you.

[Elahe Izadi]

Yeah, like a professional support. And what I'm hearing in your answer is this is not about the logistics of what to do on Christmas morning. This is about actually you're now recognizing that this is gonna be one of many scenarios that are gonna come up for you as you raise this child. And so now is the time to have some kind of intervention with a professional to help center what is in the child's best interest. Because clearly she is keeping that in mind.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yes. And this is obviously a lovely, like very responsible and mindful now parental figure for this child, which is amazing. And I think it is so important now to have the backup of a qualified professional. Now the kind of advice I might give since Christmas is bearing down on us, I might say, hey, the perfect solution is to find maybe some off site like just solution like a, you know, throw something together for Christmas to make it work.

[Elahe Izadi]

Like let's have, you know, until we figure this out.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Until we figure this out. And again, you've got the best thing there, which is a loving parental situation.

[Elahe Izadi]

Yeah, yeah. So Carolyn, to finish out, I want to throw you some rapid fire questions. These are a mix of scenarios inspired by questions you receive year after year and just ones that were curious about. I'm just gonna present a scenario to you with a yes or no option and just have you choose one and briefly explain. So are you ready?

[Carolyn Hacks]

I'm ready.

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay, here we go. You don't get along with your brother in law, but your partner really wants you both to go to his annual holiday party. Do you or don't you go, you go.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Grow up.

[Elahe Izadi]

Behave, behave. All right, next. I love. Okay, speaking of holiday parties, Your workplace has one every year, and people bring their partners as their plus one. You don't have one. Can you bring a friend instead?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Mm, I would read that situation. I mean, different workplaces, different vibes. So basically, what you need is secondary to what your career needs. Mm.

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Mm.

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay. You get a gift that you hate from your partner. Do you fake it, that you like it, or do you be honest?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Mm, depends if it's chronic. I mean, sometimes a bad gift is just a really wonderful partner missing the. Missing the mark. And sometimes it's another symptom of a partner who has no idea who you are or doesn't care. And so.

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay, I'm sorry. What if they're just terrible at giving gifts? Like, I'm so bad at giving gifts.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yeah. Oh, me too. Horrible. You want cash this year, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elahe Izadi]

I'm like, can I just, like, come clean your house for you?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yeah, exactly. Okay. Yeah. So I think. I think basically you always go to the deeper of. The deeper level of, wow, this person thought of me and loves me and gave me something out of love. And you go, thank you.

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay, so don't be like, this is an awful gift. How dare you? Unless it's like a sign of something deeper.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Right? Yeah.

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay. Your parents and your in laws are both hosting holiday dinners at the same time. Whose do you go to?

[Carolyn Hacks]

The one you owe more at the moment.

[Elahe Izadi]

Wait, what? I'm sorry, like, what do you mean, the one you owe more at the moment? Like, I'm thinking, like my parents raised me. Am I. Aren't I always indebted to them in perpetuity?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Well, you said your parents and your in laws, right? Yeah. Well, who have you been going to see more recently? I mean, it's the one you owe, you know, the.

[Elahe Izadi]

Owe your time to.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yeah, I see.

[Elahe Izadi]

That's what you mean. Okay, so if you've been going to your parents all the time, you got to go to the in laws, vice versa. Okay, that's a pretty simple, you know, formulation I can get with that. Okay, here's another one. Your friend group has an annual holiday getaway, and you're planning it this year. One friend is out of work and money's tight. Do you plan something cheap or offer to cover their costs?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Ah, it kind of depends on the friend, because some people are super, super proud. And some people would be so absolutely just like, blown away, touched if you all privately got together and took up a little collection and chipped in on theirs. But again, some people would be horrified by that, and some People would be touched by that. So you really have to. You have to know who your friend is.

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay. You're giving one person in your family a card or present. Do you have to give something to everyone?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Okay, so this is going to be an awful answer. This could be an awful answer.

[Elahe Izadi]

Why?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Because if you have a really good, healthy family, you can go uneven and know that everything is going to even out in the end. But if you've got one of these sort of like chippy Bean county families, then you know it's going to be a problem. And that's when you need to move to the other side of the country.

[Elahe Izadi]

And everyone's getting an E card this year.

[Carolyn Hacks]

It's just like, I'm out.

[Elahe Izadi]

Oh, my God. I actually love that answer. That's a great answer. Okay, this one. I don't know who does this, but guests show up a couple hours early. Couple hours early to your party. I mean, I feel like this is a scenario from the Office with Michael Scott.

[Carolyn Hacks]

This should be a movie. Yeah. I mean, it's a movie premise.

[Elahe Izadi]

This has been in a television show for sure. Okay. Do you let them stay or tell them to, you know, can you guys go somewhere else and then come back later? I don't know who these guests are.

[Carolyn Hacks]

They.

[Elahe Izadi]

Yeah, I mean, people be peopleing, you know.

[Carolyn Hacks]

I know. I mean, I just. We've always been sort of loosey goosey, so I would probably invite them in and put them to work.

[Elahe Izadi]

That is a great answer. I love delegating. Right?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Really? They'd be chopping onions. Yes. Yes.

[Elahe Izadi]

Okay, so, Carolyn, before I let you go, as we all head into the holiday season and all going to encounter our version of some of these questions, tensions can be high, emotions can be up. What is one piece of advice you'd offer anyone entering a difficult situation?

[Carolyn Hacks]

It'll pass. Like it's gonna.

[Elahe Izadi]

Just remember.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yeah. It's just a moment.

[Elahe Izadi]

Keep that in mind. I love that because it can also make you appreciate the good parts of it too. Because if it's just a moment, you're only gonna have this moment, so you might as well enjoy it, right?

[Carolyn Hacks]

Yeah. And worst case scenario, it's gonna be a great story.

[Elahe Izadi]

Well, Carolyn, thank you so much for making time and answering all these questions. I can't wait to do it again.

[Carolyn Hacks]

I know. This is fun.

[Elahe Izadi]

Carolyn Hacks is an advice columnist for the Post. If you wanna watch this episode and others like it, you can. You can find us on our YouTube page, Washington Post podcasts, and we'll also include a link to this episode in our show. Notes Today's episode was produced by Sabi Robinson and Josh Carroll. It was mixed by Sean Carter. It was edited by Rena Flores and Haben Kaladi. I'm Elahei Izadi. Happy Christmas. Sorry, I'm not British. Why did I say that? Merry Christmas and Happy holidays from all of us at the Washington Post. Save on holiday essentials at Safeway and Albertsons this week. Get USDA Choice Beef Bone in Roast.

[Carolyn Hacks]

For $6.97 per pound with digital coupon.

[Elahe Izadi]

And minimum purchase of $50 or more in a single transaction, excluding the price of the roast while supplies last.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Limit one plus get broccoli, cauliflower, green.

[Elahe Izadi]

Beans or Brussels sprouts for 97 cents.

[Carolyn Hacks]

Per pound with digital coupon.

[Elahe Izadi]

Limit six pounds and russet, red or yellow potatoes, yellow onions, yams or Sweet potatoes are 99 cents per pound member price. Visit safewayalbertsons.com for more deals.

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