Proxy with Yowei Shaw – Episode Summary

Podcast Information

• Title: Proxy with Yowei Shaw
• Host/Author: Y3 Productions
• Episode: Brian Can't Stop Fact-checking His Mother-In-Law
• Release Date: June 17, 2025
• Description: Proxy delves into unique emotional challenges, providing listeners with someone who has navigated similar struggles. Hosted by Yowei Shaw, former host of Invisibilia, the show offers emotional investigative journalism™️, distinguishing itself from traditional therapy.

Introduction

In this episode titled "Brian Can't Stop Fact-checking His Mother-In-Law," Yowei Shaw explores the intricate emotional landscape of caregiving for a loved one with dementia. The episode features Brian Reed, a seasoned podcaster known for shows like s Town and Question Everything, and introduces Claudia Dressel, a psychologist specializing in neurodegenerative diseases and caregiver support.

Brian Reed’s Struggle with Fact-Checking

Brian Reed shares his personal battle with constantly fact-checking his mother-in-law, who is grappling with Alzheimer's disease. This behavior, while seemingly minor, has profound implications on his emotional well-being and family dynamics.

• Emotional Toll: Brian describes the frustration and helplessness he feels when his mother-in-law repeatedly insists on inaccuracies. For instance, when she claims she hasn't seen him that day despite him seeing her earlier, Brian feels compelled to correct her.

  Brian Reed [05:11]: "It's just like a million daily examples. Like, I'll come home and talk to my mother-in-law and she'll be like, oh, nice, I haven't seen you today. And it just hits me. It's like, well, that's not true."

• Impact on Relationships: This constant need to correct leads to tension, making Brian feel like he's unintentionally causing emotional harm.

  Yowei Shaw [06:50]: "I say this with respect, but it sounds kind of like you're being an asshole."

  Brian Reed [06:56]: "Yeah, no, I partly am, but yeah. No, you have to understand what it's like to live with someone with Alzheimer's."

Daily Challenges of Caregiving

Yowei Shaw provides a vivid portrayal of Brian’s daily routine, highlighting the repetitive frustrations that accumulate over time.

• Evening Routines: Brian details how simple tasks like setting the table turn into attempts to manage his mother-in-law's confused directives.

  Brian Reed [07:40]: "And so you try to give them something to occupy them. So I'll ask for help setting the table, and that's like a question about every plate..."

• Pooling the Full Day: The episode recounts a particularly exhausting day where multiple incidents, from late-night awakenings to mishaps with his daughter, illustrate the relentless nature of caregiving.

  Brian Reed [08:33]: "You know, like the famous book about Alzheimer's is the 36 hour day is what it's called. And that is right, like every day."

Introduction to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Seeking solutions, Yowei Shaw introduces Claudia Dressel, who specializes in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)—a cognitive behavioral therapy approach aimed at helping caregivers accept their circumstances and commit to actions aligned with their values.

• Claudia’s Background: Claudia shares her journey from wanting to teach psychology to becoming a dedicated caregiver support psychologist after witnessing a pivotal moment with a non-verbal Alzheimer's patient.

  Claudia Dressel [19:10]: "So ever since then, really, I've worked with people with cognitive impairment to try to find out how to best support them and their caregivers."

• ACT Framework: Claudia explains the two core components of ACT:

  1. Acceptance: Encouraging caregivers to acknowledge and sit with their emotions without judgment.

     Claudia Dressel [35:57]: "That kind of acknowledgement that in itself might create some space and some relief."

  2. Commitment: Guiding caregivers to identify their core values and commit to actions that support those values despite emotional turmoil.

     Claudia Dressel [36:32]: "The commitment part is really thinking about what would I really like to have happen and how can we help you go into the direction that will work for you and your family in the long term."

Practical Application of ACT

Claudia Dressel outlines practical steps to apply ACT in caregiving scenarios:

• Cognitive Diffusion: Techniques to detach from distressing thoughts, such as repeating negative self-talk in a cartoonish voice to diminish its impact.

  Claudia Dressel [48:35]: "Literally saying it in a Mickey Mouse voice."

• Whiteboard Mapping: Creating detailed maps of family dynamics, emotions, and challenges to visualize and address the myriad factors affecting caregiving.

  Claudia Dressel [33:06]: "They'll pull their medical records. They’ll find out how much support they have, the things they're good at, the things they're bad at..."

• Sustainable Caregiving: Encouraging caregivers to recognize their limits and seek support, ensuring that caregiving remains manageable and does not lead to burnout.

  Claudia Dressel [44:03]: "A lot of people start caregiving because of a sense of duty or obligation. And at the same time, people are not prepared that caregiving can be longer than caregiving for a child."

Brian’s Reflection and Future Steps

Through his conversation with Claudia, Brian experiences a sense of validation and begins to understand the importance of accepting his emotions rather than reacting impulsively.

• Emotional Validation: Brian acknowledges the relief in being able to express his frustrations without self-judgment.

  Brian Reed [45:20]: "I think like the first part of this conversation kind of just acknowledging, affirming that it's okay to feel angry and kind of letting me feel that..."

• Commitment to Change: Inspired by Claudia’s insights, Brian contemplates integrating ACT into his caregiving approach to foster healthier interactions with his mother-in-law and improve family dynamics.

  Brian Reed [49:15]: "What I'm taking from this is we should probably hire you. That's my takeaway here."

Conclusion

This episode of Proxy offers a profound exploration of the emotional complexities faced by caregivers of individuals with dementia. Through Brian Reed’s candid discussion and Claudia Dressel’s expert guidance, listeners gain valuable insights into managing emotional responses and fostering compassionate caregiving dynamics. The introduction of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy presents a promising avenue for caregivers seeking to navigate their challenging roles with empathy and resilience.

Notable Quotes:

1. Brian Reed [05:11]: "It's just like a million daily examples. Like, I'll come home and talk to my mother-in-law and she'll be like, oh, nice, I haven't seen you today. And it just hits me. It's like, well, that's not true."
2. Yowei Shaw [06:50]: "I say this with respect, but it sounds kind of like you're being an asshole."
3. Claudia Dressel [35:57]: "That kind of acknowledgement that in itself might create some space and some relief."
4. Claudia Dressel [48:35]: "Literally saying it in a Mickey Mouse voice."

Resources Mentioned:

• Claudia Dressel’s Profile: Associate Professor at Eastern Michigan University, Director of the Center for the Advancement of Neurobehavioral Health.
• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): A therapeutic approach focusing on acceptance of emotions and commitment to personal values.

For more insights and support, listeners are encouraged to visit Proxy Podcast and consider joining their Patreon for exclusive content and resources.