Proxy with Yowei Shaw – Episode: "Mike Chooses the Wrong Life" (Released May 6, 2025)

Host: Yowei Shaw
Guest: Mike Nguyen
Proxy Expert: Dr. Amy Somerville

1. Introduction to Mike Nguyen's Dilemma

In this deeply personal episode of Proxy, host Yowei Shaw delves into the emotional turmoil of Mike Nguyen, a 45-year-old advertising professional and comedian. Mike grapples with profound regret over not pursuing a career in medicine, a path his Vietnamese immigrant parents had envisioned for him. This regret has lingered for years, influencing his sense of self and career satisfaction.

2. Family Expectations vs. Personal Passion

Mike opens up about the cultural expectations placed upon him as the son of Vietnamese refugees. While his parents aspired for him to become a doctor or lawyer—professions that bring prestige and honor to the family—Mike's own interests lay elsewhere.

Mike Nguyen [02:22]:
"I decided to follow my heart and pursue my passion of long-form audio journalism. Only to now read articles every week titled 'Has the Podcast Bubble Finally Burst?' But still, no regrets."

Despite his parents' hopes, Mike struggled academically in subjects like math and eventually chose not to continue on the pre-med track. A pivotal moment was when he flipped a coin to decide whether to stay in a challenging physics class, ultimately choosing to drop it.

Mike Nguyen [06:01]:
"I took out like a quarter and I said, if this is heads, I'm going to take physics. If this is tails, I'm not going to take physics. And it came up heads, which means I'm supposed to take physics. And I said, nope, not going to do it."

3. Life After Dropping Out: Career and Regret

Transitioning from pre-med, Mike majored in sociology, worked in test preparation, moved into advertising, and eventually embraced comedy to enhance his copywriting career. While he finds joy and fulfillment in his creative pursuits, the shadow of regret over not becoming a doctor persists.

Mike Nguyen [08:48]:
"I was up till midnight mixing this fucking thing... but I can't stop thinking back to that coin toss. What if I'd stayed in physics? What if I just gritted my teeth and gone to med school as planned?"

This lingering regret manifests as a constant internal loop, questioning past decisions and contemplating "what if" scenarios that keep him feeling stuck.

4. Reaching Out to Proxy for Emotional Clarity

Feeling overwhelmed by his unresolved feelings, Mike turns to Proxy seeking a conversation with someone who can understand and possibly alleviate his emotional burden.

Mike Nguyen [09:13]:
"Is there a way to turn this into something healthy? Because I do feel like it's going to be something I have to live with."

5. Engaging with Regret Expert Dr. Amy Somerville

Yowei Shaw connects Mike with Dr. Amy Somerville, a principal research scientist specializing in the psychology of regret. Their conversation uncovers the layers of Mike's emotional struggle.

Defining Regret

Dr. Somerville explains that regret involves feeling bad about something because one believes a different action could have led to a better outcome.

Dr. Amy Somerville [17:02]:
"Regret has three pieces. The first is that it feels bad. The second is that it's because you have a thought about how things could have been different. And the third is that it's because of something that you think you could have done differently."

Cultural Influences on Regret

Mike articulates how his cultural background amplifies his feelings of regret, comparing his life to relatives who followed the expected path.

Mike Nguyen [25:51]:
"I'm constantly grappling with this fact that I chose something different. My life turned out radically different."

Dr. Somerville notes that cultural expectations can intensify regret, making individuals feel like they've defied their "fate."

6. Navigating Social Comparisons and Identity

The discussion delves into how Mike's comparisons with cousins and societal expectations contribute to his ongoing regret. He often finds himself measuring his success against others who adhered to the family’s expectations.

Mike Nguyen [37:20]:
"Am I living up to my full potential? ... I have anxiety around, like, well, I've chosen this life, and I hope my children don't have to pay for it later on..."

7. Transforming Regret into a Positive Force

Dr. Somerville introduces the concept that regret, when understood properly, can be a constructive emotion that highlights what truly matters to an individual.

Dr. Amy Somerville [38:28]:
"Regret is telling us about how we should do things differently."

She encourages Mike to discern whether his regret serves a purpose or if it's simply persistent sadness without actionable steps.

Mike Nguyen [40:01]:
"Oh, I'm just sad... I'm bummed out... I'm gonna have a candy bar now and just deal with it."

8. Embracing Personal Values and Fulfillment

Through the conversation, Mike reflects on what brings him genuine happiness and fulfillment, distinguishing between societal expectations and his own values. Moments spent with his family, like cooking for his children, provide him with a sense of purpose and satisfaction that counters his professional regrets.

Mike Nguyen [42:13]:
"I feel awesome because I feel like I am, you know, providing for my family."

9. Conclusion: Accepting and Moving Forward

The episode concludes with Mike gaining a deeper understanding of his emotions. Acknowledging that some regrets may simply be expressions of sadness allows him to begin accepting his life's path without the constant weight of "what ifs."

Mike Nguyen [44:38]:
"Now I gotta do work on myself. Oh, that's so much harder. I think med school is probably easier than working on myself. I don't want to do that."

Key Takeaways

• Regret Defined: Regret involves negative feelings about past decisions and a belief that different actions could have led to better outcomes.

• Cultural Impact: Cultural and familial expectations can intensify feelings of regret, especially when deviating from traditional career paths.

• Constructive Regret: Understanding regret can help individuals identify their true values and motivations, potentially turning negative emotions into positive growth.

• Personal Fulfillment: Genuine moments of happiness, such as family interactions, can provide counterbalance to professional or societal regrets.

This episode of Proxy offers a profound exploration of how cultural expectations and personal choices intertwine to shape one's emotional landscape. By engaging with a regret expert, Mike Nguyen begins to unravel the complexities of his feelings, moving towards a place of acceptance and self-understanding.