Ben Leopold spent years on 10 different antidepressants, each one trading his lowest lows for a flatline existence that erased his personality. It wasn't until a psychiatrist stopped prescribing and started digging into the childhood trauma underneath his depression that things began to shift. In late 2020, already armed with years of therapeutic tools he couldn't access through the fog, Ben started Spravato treatment at a clinic in Portland. The dissociative experience let him step outside his anxiety for the first time and see himself the way his family always had. Today, more than two years after his last session, he maintains his recovery through running, surfing, writing horror novels, and showing up for the people he loves. In this episode of Psychiatry Tomorrow, Ben sits down with Osmind's Dr. Will Sauvé and Dr. Brittany Albright to walk through the full journey.

Timestamped Show Notes

[00:00] Introduction and Ben's opening reflection on where he is today

[01:06] Ben begins sharing his story and background [03:09] The morning his father died when he was nine years old

[05:58] How early trauma became panic attacks and catastrophic thinking

[06:43] Building survival mechanisms and isolation patterns as a child

[09:00] The slow decline from 2015 to 2018: getting heavier, losing hobbies, losing himself

[10:35] Breaking point: panic attack during a routine work meeting

[12:19] Finding his first psychiatrist and starting antidepressants

[13:19] How Ben's mother normalized mental health treatment in the late 80s

[15:01] Dr. Sauvé on memory loss after 12+ months of depression

[16:15] Why supporting someone through depression is a thankless job

[16:52] The isolation paradox: pushing people away to "protect" them

[22:17] The antidepressant carousel: 10 medications and their side effects

[23:44] Emotional blunting: feeling like a shell of yourself

[26:18] Ten medications tried over approximately 18 months

[27:16] COVID, freefall, and starting fresh with Dr. Combs

[28:31] A different approach: addressing root causes instead of just symptoms

[32:28] Sister introduces Ben to Spravato

[33:47] First impressions of Evolve Health clinic in Portland

[35:17] How clinic atmosphere and personalization changed Ben's treatment experience

[36:40] Prior psilocybin experience and writing a letter to his mother

[37:07] The Spravato experience: the Tasmanian devil tornado metaphor

[38:18] Learning to love imperfection

[39:07] Why Spravato needed a therapeutic foundation to work

[40:11] Integration: zipping up nine-year-old Ben with adult Ben

[41:36] Journaling during sessions and learning to express love

[42:35] The dissociative sandbox: beta testing yourself

[43:38] Off Spravato since 2021 and maintaining recovery through lifestyle

[45:37] Taking a year off work to build stability in the boring daily routine

[46:26] Current life: running, surfing, writing, family

[47:09] Final words: put in the effort, keep pushing

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