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A
This is the Pursuit of Wellness podcast and I'm your host, Mari Llewellyn. Guys, welcome back to the Pursuit of Wellness. I'm sat here with Fi. Hello. We have a girl chat episode today, and we also have kind of a big announcement slash a piece of news that we haven't spoken about yet because I feel like we wanted to deal with it privately on our own. Oh, my God, this sounds really intense. Like, I have, like, my stomach hurts talking about it.
B
It's awkward to talk about.
A
It's not awkward. It's just like a big, big change. And it's real life. It's real life. And I wasn't sure if I was going to save it for the end or, you know, how we should do this, but I wanted to make sure I could have Fee with me to talk about it. And we've gotten a lot of, like, comments and questions about it in our DMS and people just sort of speculating, which, you know, is so annoying, and mind your business type of thing. But us sharing this is like, I know you guys love, love, love my relationship with Fee, as I do, too. And she's a very special part of my life and a big part of the show. And I can understand why people ask questions and I want to. Yeah, we want to talk about it on here because I think you guys, it's just like, they should know. But also, if we didn't talk about it, I could see people taking it the wrong way and making their own story about it. So I'll say it and then you can add your bet. We've broken up. Just kidding. We've not broken up. We have decided to part ways professionally. And obviously that is such a huge change for both of us. We've been working together three years.
B
Three years feels way longer.
A
It feels a lot longer. You know, Fee started with me as your part time personal assistant. That has evolved into so many different things. I mean, she's, you know, you've been by my side for so many huge moments of my. Fuck, it's okay. So many huge moments of my career. You know, ups, downs, I've seen you through ups, downs. Like, it's just been a fricking roller coaster and a really cool one. We've done some sick things together. I think it got to a place and we had. Fee and I went on a walk together on Saturday and talked about this at length. And I feel like I'm so happy we did that because it just feels like we're in a Twilight zone right now. Like, it Just feels so weird.
B
Yeah.
A
But I think you phrased it in a really good way. Like, when Feast started, Bloom was very much still a startup company. I was still figuring out my career. Like, it was very.
B
Just a total different stage than where we're at now. That's fine. It was just very different, very hands.
A
On, very makeshift, figuring it out as we go. And, you know, Fee has always been such a positive, like, get shit done type of person, and you are that person. And it has nothing to do with, like, me not wanting to work with Fee anymore or thinking she's not a good team member. It's not that. I think what we both just realized is, and we said this from the beginning, like, our friendship is more important to both of us than our professional. Working with your best friend is hard.
B
Like, 100%.
A
Everyone I speak to who has had this experience or been a part, like, it is so, so hard.
B
I feel like you see very few situations where it ends well.
A
Yeah.
B
Like, I feel like almost every situation, it ends horribly.
A
Yeah.
B
And I did not even want to come close to that.
A
Yeah.
B
So I feel like this is almost like a preventative measure that we both kind of started being like, maybe we should talk about it. So. Yeah, I like that.
A
I like it was a preventative measure.
B
It was so preventative. Yeah.
A
And I also think, like, first of all, I don't ever want Fee. I don't want you to ever feel stuck. And I started to feel like you had this big life change. On a personal level, I know you have aspirations outside of this. And I. I don't know, I don't want to feel responsible that I don't ever want you to feel stuck. And I want you to achieve everything that you want to achieve and do all the things you want to do. And at the end of the day, we also said this. There is just a dynamic there when you are someone's boss. Technically.
B
Yeah.
A
I could never just fully be your friend. Like.
B
Yeah. You know, and I felt the same way with you. Like, even if we were, like, out with our friends at a party, I was like, are you okay, Mari? Like, I just always felt like I was just. Because that was such our dynamic, like, and it was a friendship, but it was also just like this. I don't know. Not that you can ever truly be, like, yourself or whatever, but, like, when there is a professionalism to it that you have to, like, maintain.
A
Yeah.
B
And also, I just feel like, like, when we were together, it's like we would just talk about work because, like, we worked together so much, and it was like. It just. Yeah. I feel like it started to, like, affect the friendship aspect of it.
A
Yeah. And I feel a little bit like.
B
Yeah.
A
It didn't allow us. I think at the end of the day, you and I are supposed to be friends.
B
Yeah.
A
And us working together was such a privilege and really cool to experience together. But at the end of the day, that's how we got to meet. Exactly. But it doesn't mean that that has to be our story forever.
B
Yeah.
A
And I feel like, as you said, we're, like, handling it before it could possibly get weird.
B
Yeah.
A
And I'm also in this weird place in my career where, like, things are changing and shifting and, you know, bloom is growing and I'm trying to get pregnant, and I don't. I don't know what my life is going to look like next year. And I had this weird feeling of, like, I am in this weird position and that not many people can relate to, where a lot of people rely on me.
B
Yeah. I get it. You felt, like, responsible for, like, my. My, you know, career.
A
Yeah.
B
And, like, if, for whatever reason, you decide to do X, Y and Z, how it would affect me.
A
Yeah.
B
Which I really appreciate that, you know, but, like, also, at the same time, I'm very understanding, and I would be like, of course.
A
Yeah.
B
But it does. It does put a weird, you know, pressure on the friendship and the. In the, you know, their work relationship. So. Yeah, I think. Definitely think this was the smartest.
A
Yeah.
B
Smartest move. But it has not been easy.
A
No, it hasn't.
B
I will tell you guys. That has not.
A
No, it's hard. And it. It. It was. Yeah. It's been a very emotional, like, weird time. And I think we were both, like, trying to give each other space and not sure how to talk about it. And it took a minute, but, like, I. I feel really good about it. Especially after we spoke on Saturday, I was like, this was the right move.
B
Yeah.
A
Because I even already feel like I can be so much more real with you and not feel like the stress of work has to carry into my relationship with you. I think that was the biggest thing. Like, things have just gotten so much more serious at work.
B
Yeah. Like, it's a whole different dynamic than literally. Guys, I was looking back at, we were talking about, like, an old TikTok. Mari had posted, like, her old Halloween costume the other week, and I was like, oh, my God, remember that TikTok we made? And I scrolled down to her TikTok, and you guys like, the amount of free time we had, we're doing Trader Joe's Fall, like review, like pumpkin cream cheese. I was like, if only like now we could look back. Like, we literally were like, let's like make recipes and film funny tiktoks and like, we literally spent one day like for three hours filming this like long tick tock across Mari's house. And I'm like, in my world now. I'm like, Mari's in like board meetings and recording and like flying to frickin. Where were you the other day?
A
I don't know. Salt Lake City.
B
Salt Lake City. Many. I was like, St. Louis. She's like, I'm not in St. Louis. I was like, oh, right. I was like the other Sl thing one. But like, it's really like that and it's just, it's. It's crazy how it changes. And like, I will be so honest. I. You know, when we moved here and trying to like kind of navigate our friendship groups and stuff, like, it was a little weird. And you know, Mari's met a great group of girls here who like, I think they're all so lovely and great, but like, I'd be lying if I said, like, when we all would hang out and like, I would see them and like, them have their like, friendship relationship with Mari and like, it was strictly friendship. Like, that. I wasn't, in a way, I don't want to say like, jealous, but like, I wasn't like, oh, like that seems kind of nice. Like I would love to be Mari's best friend. And like, not that I'm trying to say it's not fun being working with you. Like, we've done it for three years and I've enjoyed every minute of it. But like, it's just different. It's just a different dynamic. It really is. And like, and like you said, it's like getting very serious now and like, there's a lot kind of at stake and like a lot happening. And so it's just like when you combine like the personal aspect to that and like you already like work with your husband. Like, I don't think you need another layer added to it, like your personal life, you know, like, yeah, that's already, you know, a lot in a way.
A
Yeah. No, I agree with you. I agree with you and I feel that too. It's almost like, like I am, I am someone when I'm at work. I'm very. Unless I'm on the microphone. Honestly, I'm very business mode. Like, I cannot, I cannot go in between.
B
Yeah.
A
Because otherwise it's too complicated for me. And I've been that way for a while. And that's kind of why I don't really go up and talk to Greg when I'm here. Because I don't. I can't mentally handle it.
B
Yeah.
A
And I just want to be like girls.
B
Yeah.
A
You know, like we were talking about like my baby shower and your wedding and all these things that we're so excited for. And like, I don't want like, you being my assistant at my baby shower.
B
I know. I said to Mario, I was like, mari, I like, can't wait to come to your baby shower. But like, I don't really want to like, plan your baby shower.
A
Well, friends do that too.
B
But like, as a friend I would. But it's just, it is just different. It is different. And like just the dynamic of working with a friend. I'm sure there are people listening that have worked with friends too. Like, it is just personal and relation and work relationship boundaries. It was just like there are none because it's just all so combined.
A
Yeah.
B
And that makes a very difficult situation.
A
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B
And, like, I do think the last three years, we've navigated it, like, incredibly well. And I also think it's, like, ebbed and flowed in ways. Like you said at the beginning, it was very makeshift.
A
Yeah.
B
Like, guys, when I started with them, There was like 10 employees in, like, one room in, like, a rented office. And I used to, like, bring them sticky notes and, like, pens. Like, it was like, I, like, would decorate the office for Halloween with, like, cobwebs, webs. And they were like, this is great. And like, literally now we're in this, like, massive hq. Mario has a podcast. Like, it's. It is so different.
A
Yeah.
B
And it happened fast.
A
It happened.
B
Three years is not a long time.
A
No. And I am proud of us too. I think we really did pretty well.
B
Yeah.
A
For three years.
B
Yeah.
A
We should make a montage. I'm gonna cry, like, about mitzvah.
B
But also, like, I will even say, like, I feel so different than who I was three years ago.
A
Yeah.
B
And I'm sure you will say the same.
A
Yeah.
B
Like, I think people change a lot. I also think, like, your late 20s, early, like, 30s. It's like such a pivotal pivot.
A
Saturn return.
B
Yes. But, like, truly, like, this is when, like, I personally have been going through a lot of personal changes in my life, and, like, it just. A lot is going on during these years, and I think it's just all.
A
That's another thing, like, you going through that breakup.
B
Yeah.
A
Also kind of opened my eyes and.
B
I was like, feeling.
A
Yeah, well, yeah. Because it's. Guys. To have your best friend, like, call, like, call you. Sobbing, and then you're like, okay, but we have a meeting in an hour. Like, sucks.
B
Yeah.
A
Like, that sucks. And I was like, I just want to be for. Here for her as a friend, and I feel like I can't.
B
Yeah.
A
It really, like, complicates things. And I also think it made me realize that you just have, like, a lot you're figuring out in your life. And I was like, I almost want to give her the space to do that.
B
Yeah.
A
Without me.
B
Yeah.
A
And I mean that in, like, a nice way. Like, I want to be able to support you as a friend. And I mean, guys, as you can tell by us describing this, it's, like, so complicated and confusing.
B
There's a lot of layers.
A
A lot of layers. But, like, in conclusion, I feel like we're both on the same page, that this is the best decision, and it doesn't mean we're not friends. If anything, I actually think now we can be.
B
Yeah.
A
Better friends for each other and, like, show up and have fun and do things we want to do. Because when you're with someone all day, every day, it's not like you really think to hang out.
B
That too. Like, I always used to say to Mario, I was like, look, I love you, but, like, we just spent Monday through Friday together. Like, literally. There was times where me and Mari literally sat across a desk face to face, like, five days a week. Like, just on meetings, constantly staring at each other constantly. Which, like, I love my friends. I love my feel. I don't want to, like, spend that much time with, like, anybody.
A
Yeah.
B
Like, literally anyone in the world, no matter how much I love you. Like, that's just a lot. And then so I'd get to the weekends, and, like, I'd want to do stuff with you, but I'd be like. And then I would, like, just be stressed about the next week. It was just, like, there's just a lot going on. So, yeah, this is definitely the best, best decision.
A
Yeah.
B
But it was not an easy one, you guys. No, it was very, very emotional. So funny. People think everything. I get so many comments all the time. People think, like, our lives are just so.
A
I'm sure.
B
And dandy.
A
And, yeah, we're just yapping, yappy, happy girls.
B
I have no worries. I'm like, few only knew.
A
I know.
B
Few only do. So some real.
A
I also think that their perception is that I'm, like, a horrible person, and this is not going to help.
B
Okay, well, that's not true, you guys. Me and Mari have had many conversations about this. This has been.
A
Yeah.
B
Several months in the making.
A
Yeah.
B
But because we wanted to do it the right way. And I think it was. In a way, it was almost like a breakup. Like, we had to kind of navigate, like, yeah, we wanted to do it, and we don't hate each other and we want to remain friends, but we need to navigate through this section of it, so.
A
Yeah. And it's not like you want to get on a microphone in the middle of all that. And.
B
Yeah, that too.
A
You know?
B
I know. I do realize the last episode I was like, I'm not going anywhere, people, but you're not. I know I'm not. I'm not. Which, if Mari will have me, like, I would still love to come on the podcast, you guys. I know everyone's going to be like.
A
It'Ll be even better. Yeah, it'll be even better because there's no boundaries because I'm not technically Fee's boss, so she can really just say whatever. She's like a guest girly appearance.
B
I can't wait.
A
I think it'll be even better, honestly. And, yeah, I would love to have you keep coming on the show, I think. I mean, people love it and I love it.
B
Love our girl chats.
A
I know it's a great place to catch up. So, guys, like, please try to be as understanding as you can be and don't give either of us a hard time.
B
Please don't come for Mari. Please don't come for me.
A
Don't come for anyone. We've been emotional as it is. We don't.
B
I love Bloom. I love Pow. I love Mari and Greg. Literally, like, I was texting Greg's mom the other day. I was like, I love them so much. Like, it's like, this is like. It's really hard, but, like, I'm not going anywhere, so I'm still here.
A
So with that said, let's get in the fun stuff. I don't have any fun updates, so. I had a mental breakdown yesterday.
B
I've been having mental breakdowns.
A
Well, I'm not. I just. You know what? I was trying to be demure about my pregnancy journey, and I'm not being demure anymore. I don't care.
B
Respect.
A
I've been following on Tick tock like other girls in the Trying to Conceive club. In the club we are fam. And I did IUI this past month, and it didn't work. So, yeah, I got my period and I'm at the point where I'm like, I don't know what more I could be doing.
B
So yeah, I don't think there is anything. I think it's just like timing.
A
I know.
B
And just like right timing and like. And it's like a numbers game.
A
I know.
B
Truly, that's. That's like the same way I feel about dating, Mari. Literally anyone I talk to is like, it's just a numbers game.
A
Like, literally.
B
And I'm like, what does that mean? No guys, dating is the wild fucking west.
A
Yeah.
B
Why did nobody warn me? No one warned me.
A
Well, you were doing something else.
B
I am happy. I'm single. I think I've got to remain single for some time. But yeah, dating is wild out here.
A
Why don't you go to Europe for a month? I was thinking about it, like a self discovery thing.
B
A little Eat Pray love moment. Yeah.
A
Because didn't you kind of do that in the past and it worked great.
B
Yeah. I went to Europe and got broke up with my boyfriend and then. Yeah, you Pray love moment. Yeah. But I was disassociated the entire time. I think I was too young. Like now I would go and feel more like powerful about it, but I was just disassociated for a month in Italy.
A
I bet you there's girls listening who live in Europe who will DM you.
B
Europe girlies, let me know. I'm thinking Italy. I love me some Italy. Maybe Spain. I don't know. I'm trying to figure out like, I'm sure we'll get questions like what I'm going to do next. I'm trying to figure that out. I. I don't really know.
A
You don't need to rush.
B
I know. You know, it's funny. So I got a human design reading done.
A
Yes.
B
Was a very interesting. I'm a manifester, you guys. Only 9% of the world are manifesters, so.
A
Whoa.
B
Yeah, I'm pretty special. But she told me as a manifester and like after reading my chart, she told me not rush into anything. She was like, do not rush. Like, like you're going to be presented with a lot of opportunities and different things right away. And like it's going to, you're going to feel inclined and like, I think it's just in my personality, like not having a job and like, not like actively like doing that, like makes me very anxious and nervous.
A
Yeah.
B
But at the same time she was like, don't just jump into something because it's like the first thing to present itself. Like really take A minute.
A
Yeah, you can be a little reactive sometimes.
B
Oh yeah, for sure. I think it's my like, it's my like safety strategy. It's like how I just like, I. I just like fix it and figure it out and like, like that. But I think I need to give myself a little time. Like just. Yeah, I agree it out. So let's see what that looks like.
A
What do you think I am? Human design?
B
I don't know. You'd have to get it done. It's literally based on your birthday, time you were born and where you were born, which I know we've discussed.
A
We know. My parents don't know when I was.
B
Born, so I think they could find it somewhere. I made my mom go and like, look at my. Or my.
A
Should we call the hospital I was born in?
B
We could try that Chertsy. They'd be like, girl, that shit's locked away in file cabinets from 1994.
A
But maybe we'll try.
B
We'll find. Yeah. But it was really interesting. I mean she told me like a ton of stuff about me that I was like, wow. But it felt very like, real. Yeah, I like really could relate to what she was saying and so it was really interesting. Love that. But yeah.
A
What's the dating tea?
B
I've been on a couple dates. I just like, I don't know, I have this weird. I was talking to a girlfriend the other day. Like, unfortunately, I think a lot of my are like like these 28 to like young 30 year olds. Like our. I don't know what gen we are. What are we?
A
I think we're millennials.
B
Are we? I never know. Whenever people bring these terms, I'll be like Gen Z Gen. I'm like, I don't know, we might.
A
Be like Gen Zennials. Like we might.
B
94, 1995, I don't know. But our generation, like, maybe this is just what happens to everyone when they turn 30. But I just feel like every single person I know is like running around with like a chicken with their head cut off and like no one knows what they want to do with their lives.
A
Really?
B
Yeah. Like, I feel like anyone I date, like everyone is like, hmm, doesn't know what they want to do with their. Like, it just. I don't know. And I just feel like it's like messy. Like I just feel like everything's like really messy. And like I like to think that like I have my together. I think I do, obviously. Like, I'm going through this transition now, but like, I don't know, I just, I'm like, where are like the normal men?
A
I thought they'd be here, but I.
B
Don'T know, maybe Dallas. I, I don't know. I, When I moved here, I like thought the same thing and then, or like when I should say when I was single, newly found single here and like I talked to like my single girlfriends and they were like, girl, it ain't no better than la. And I was like, what do you mean? Don't tell me that.
A
But I just, everyone says that about every city.
B
I think there's something, I think there's like a huge pressure now on everyone our age to be successful by a certain time. I know, like, I've talked to guys that they're like, I'm not looking to settle down until I X, Y and Z till I like get to this position or make this amount of money or do X, Y and Z. And I'm like, yeah, I think that's such a toxic way to like date. Like, I'm like, shouldn't you be with someone that you grow together and like you're both trying to like make something of yourselves together? Like, it's just not, I don't know, I don't like that approach to it. And I just feel like everyone I meet like, is that way and no one knows what.
A
Like if Greg and I had gone about it that way, we wouldn't be anywhere.
B
No, you guys are the epitome of you met with like nothing and grew into something.
A
Yeah.
B
But like, I think you guys, people are like me in college. I'm like, that's like a very rarity to me nowadays. Like people just be together our age for 10 years. Like it does happen, but like 10.
A
Years as of Halloween?
B
Yeah, that's nut. Oh yeah.
A
Our three year wedding anniversary, December 1st.
B
Yeah, that's nuts. But yeah, dating is just really hard. I will say I, when I was kind of alluding to earlier, like, I feel very different than I was like three years ago. I feel so much more secure in myself now than like I ever have. And like when we were on our walk the other day, we were just kind of like talking, I was talking about dating with Mari and I was just like, I. I finally feel like I really know what I want and what I will put up with and what I will not put up with and what I deserve and what I bring to the table. And I do think by like knowing that like the minute I'm on a date and a man shows me otherwise, I'm like, so Nice meeting you. I don't think this is gonna work out. Like, but it. That really does, like, limit the numbers. It does. Which, like, I guess when you find the right one, it's like, great. And like, you know, I have friends that are my age that are married now and like, they happen. Sydney and John, like, I think they're a beautiful couple. Amazing. He's amazing. She's amazing. Like, so happy they found each other. But, like, to me it like, seems like that's like diamond in the rough nowadays. Like, it just So I feel like we have friends here who have trauma dating story. It's not going to go into any specifics, but like, people. The love bombing that's happening out here and just like, men. Oh, my God. I just.
A
But I also think, fee, like, you have been pretty wrapped up in my life for the past three years.
B
Yeah.
A
Obviously you had, like, weekends and stuff. But, like, if you think about it, you're now entering this phase where you're like, open and maybe you'll go to Europe or maybe you'll take a day trip somewhere. Like, I don't know, it just. It just kind of makes you a bit more.
B
Yes, I agree.
A
Available. Or if you, you know, do a job that's more flexible and you're like, running around town, it's like, you network.
B
I'm gonna meet through.
A
In my world, you don't really network that much. We just kind of.
B
Yeah. You know, we were just grinding.
A
Just grinding.
B
You're grinding? Yeah.
A
I have a question. Are you on the apps?
B
I am on the apps.
A
What if you expand the radius to Dallas and Fort Worth also?
B
Perhaps?
A
I mean, is that weird?
B
No. I mean, like, my.
A
It's a three hour drive.
B
Hinge is like, I have Austin, but, like, Raya is like the whole world. Which is actually really annoying because I'm like, don't show me this attractive man in, like, Egypt.
A
Yeah.
B
Like, I'm never gonna see this man.
A
But I just feel like, yeah, Dallas is not that far. And especially when you're in this moment where you're kind of like, I don't really need to be anywhere.
B
Yeah.
A
Isn't that a good idea?
B
No, you're right. You're right. I just, like, I just don't think a lot of people are dating nowadays for the right intentions. Like, even on the apps. Mari, it is so traumatizing. Like, I have friends send me, like, screenshots of like, messages guys send. Like, it's just. It is. It is scary out here.
A
I know. I can't even imagine.
B
And then I feel like even sometimes you meet great, good guys with awesome jobs who are like, you're like, you're great. And then you're like, are you dating? They're like, oh, like, I'm just like locked in on what I'm doing right now. I'm not looking to date. And you're like, oh my God.
A
Yeah, but do they mean that?
B
Don't be. That's me. I'm like, well, wait till he meets me. Don't do that to yourself, girls. I tried that. If a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, he's not looking for anything serious and you will not change his mind. Even if you do for three years, you will not change his mind long term.
A
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B
I think. I know people are like, the minute you stop looking, it'll come. I think I just need to, like, focus on me. Yeah, I want to, like, take a step. I want to take a beat, figure out what I feel like I'm being called to do next. Like, yeah, work towards that. Like, really work on myself. I love that. You know, I think, you know, the last few years, like, love my job. Like it is. It was a demanding job. It was a very, like, it consumed your whole life. And it was my whole life to like, bloom and pow and stuff. Like, it's like my identity. Like, truly, I like, don't really know who I am without it. I'm going to figure it out. But that's, that's like, that's what I.
A
Hoped would come of this. Like, for when I think about this time and our lives, I was like, I really hope fee, like, does some something for self discovery. Like, that was kind of what I was hoping you'd do.
B
I think between that and then just also, like, the relationship I had been in. I think, like, I was very selfless in that relationship and I was doing a lot for that person. And I just kind of got to the point where I was like, I need to, like, start making decisions for me and me only. Yeah. And like, that's kind of what I meant, even with the dating stuff of like, thank you so much, was lovely meeting you, but, like, not gonna work for me. Like, I kind of want to, like, be selfish.
A
No, I'm so proud of you for that.
B
Like, I really want to be selfish. And like, when I tell you that is quite literally the hardest concept for me to grasp. Like, it Is it is really hard for me to make a decision that may affect someone else and like, me think about myself over the other person. Like, that is really hard for me.
A
I have a hard time with that too.
B
Yeah.
A
And I think it's such a childhood thing.
B
Oh, yeah. It's people pleasing. It's like not wanting to cause conflict. It's a million things.
A
And also, like, we. We grew up similarly, but differently. But, like, I was always concerned about, like, my parents emotion and like, what can I do to make sure they're fine. So for me to have a feeling about something. Yeah, no, like, not feelings.
B
Like, you're just trying to like, boundary and help everyone else keep their feelings in check.
A
Which is funny as like two friends who are both like that. Because guys, that's why the last three.
B
Months, I'm like, Mari's like, you don't hate me. I'm like, you don't hate me. She's like, wait, what? I'm like, I thought you hated me. She's like, I thought you hated me.
A
No, we're the worst. We're the worst.
B
It's hard, like, oh, it's so hard.
A
But I am proud of us because we've gotten a lot better at it.
B
Yeah. Well, I think. I think when you approach a conversation, you're like, look like I am saying this out of love.
A
Yeah. Respect.
B
And like, I care about you, but, like, X, Y and Z. And every conversation we had was like that. Like, it was very. Like there were tears. But like, it was very, like, yeah, it's because we care so much. And I just think I just like, oh, I just want everyone, women, everyone, to just like, try putting yourself first. Like, truly. I think I feel like even you, Mari, like in the last year, even just since moving to Austin, like, I feel like. I know when you said you wanted to move in, like, you had these, you know, in the van, you, like, wrote down what your goals were and like, you really wanted to, like, create friendships here and like, find like, you know, pursue your hobbies more and stuff. Like, even the transition from you going from like, English writing to Western writing. I know that sounds silly, but, like, I felt like you were doing English because you, like, had started it. And you like, kind of felt like you were like, you had to do it then because you were like, sounds crazy, but, like, the backlash of like, changing from English, it's like. And then you were finally like, fuck it. Like, I don't want to do that anymore.
A
Yeah.
B
And like, you had some kind of scary experiences with it. And now you're doing what you want to do.
A
Yeah.
B
And, like, you don't have to be apologetic for it.
A
No.
B
But, like, for some reason, we, like, feel like we have to. We, like, feel bad that we're, like, doing what we want to do.
A
Yeah.
B
Which I think is just such a big thing between, like, men and women. I'm like, ask a man what he wants to do, he's like, I'm. I did that because I wanted to. What do you mean? Women are like, wait, what?
A
I've told you that example, right. Little girls having a sleepover, and there's boys and girls, and the parent comes and goes, who wants pizza? Every kid, every boy puts his hand up, and all the girls are looking around to see what everyone else wants.
B
Like, oh, are you hungry? Like, oh, you. Do you want pizza? No.
A
Truly, I feel that so deeply. I actually, the Western English thing, I freaked out in the middle of that transition because I felt like I was upsetting people. And the thing is, you will, like, when you make a decision for you, you might upset other people. You might disappoint other people. And it's a mindset shift of, like, okay, I'm sorry you feel that way, but at the end of the day, it's.
B
You gotta look out for yourself. Like, yeah, you gotta look out for yourself. And, like, I'm really trying to, like, dive into that and, like, practice that in this next chapter. Because I just feel like I. Up until now, and, like, believe me, I am so thankful I am the way I am. And I'm not saying it's a bad trait to have. Like, I think it's gotten me very far in life. And, like, I love that about myself. I love that I am empathetic and that I deeply care about other people. I do. But I also think, like, there's a line that needs to be drawn where, like, you look out for yourself. And, like, it's funny. I was in therapy the other day, and I had been telling my therapist how, like, I moved. I don't know if I mentioned this already on the show, but how after, like, my breakup, I moved into my own place. And I was like, now I can keep it spotless and clean, and, like, he will make a mess and X, Y, and Z. And my therapist goes, well, like, you don't have to do that. Like, it can be messy if you want. Like, you don't have to do that. And I was like, what do you mean? She was like, it's your apartment. You can do whatever you Want she's like, you can leave dishes on the counter or, like, not take the trash out. Like, it's up to you. Like, no one's gonna, like, make you feel otherwise. And, like, also, like, it's your space. Like, you pay for it. Like, you can do what you want. And I was just like, oh, my God. Like, I just realized I. I hold myself to this, like, such standard of, like, perfection that is so unattainable. And also just, like, I don't know. I think. I think for a while, again, I think from childhood, and this comes with dating, too. Like, I think I thought. I still think I feel this way. I feel like I, like, have to be perfect to find the right guy. Like, I feel like the right guy will not want to be with me until I am so perfect for him. And I finally am. Like, that is such bullshit.
A
Yeah.
B
Like, I don't have to be perfect at all. No one's perfect. But it's really hard when you, like, are such a perfectionist and, like, type A and you, like, hold yourself to such this standard. It's like, it's really hard.
A
Well, if you think about it at face level, like, someone meeting you, there's not much wrong with you. I mean, yeah, you have some, like, insecurities in, like, childhood, but, like, you're pretty awesome, like, majority of the time. And then these men show up and they have, like, like, an ear hanging off. That's about it. You know what I'm saying?
B
I mean, we. They have, like, we all are our harshest critics, for sure.
A
I mean, I'm so hard on myself. It's crazy.
B
Exactly. Like, we all are like, I feel like you accomplish amazing things. And the next day you're like, I could have done this better. And I'm like, what are you talking about? But we all are just our harshest critics. It's. It's. It's rough out here, you guys. But I have faith. I am, like, greatly. You know, I am not religious. I won't even say I'm, like, spiritual. Like, I'm not.
A
I'm thinking about becoming religious. Did I tell you that?
B
Oh, Mari.
A
Since this pregnancy thing, I kind of want to pray.
B
Okay.
A
I also just want answers.
B
Okay.
A
Like, yesterday I was like, maybe I should church. So instead, I went on Tick Tock and I ordered some crazy supplements that everyone's getting pregnant.
B
Okay, great.
A
Called Geritol.
B
Oh, my God.
A
Hit me up if you've gotten pregnant on Geritol.
B
Okay, well, to each their own.
A
Not an ad.
B
Seriously, Comment on That I think everyone goes through that. But, like, right now, I am greatly leaning into this. Just, like everything happens for a reason. I believe in the universe. I think everything's. I think what energy you put out comes back. I think, like, do good onto others and good will come to you. Like, I fully believe in all that stuff. So, like, I am fully putting all my exit. But the universe got me. It's gonna come back somehow. I don't know what's gonna happen. Yeah. But I'm just like, timing. Put the trust.
A
Put the trust. What is that from?
B
I remember I said it, like, I said it like one of our first episodes. I was like, put the trust. And we were like, what does that mean? Put the trust came back around. Yeah.
A
Wait, can I speak about Geraltol for a second?
B
Yeah. Geriatol.
A
Yeah. It's crazy. So, guys, I've been pretty good about not being obsessive about fertility. Like, I genuinely haven't really thought about it on a daily basis for two to three months. I actually even stopped testing for a couple months because I was like, I need to just chill. And I really have. Like, I've been less obsessive. Been doing the things I love doing. I. I try in the window. I'm. Whatever. Mostly because I know myself and I'm so obsessive that the second that the thought unlocks, I'm done for. So yesterday I unlocked it.
B
Really?
A
Yep.
B
I received quite a few text messages.
A
Yep. I said, fuck in all caps.
B
It's like 4pm Mario started texting me, hey, I need help. I'm like, what is it? And. Yep.
A
So basically, I realized that I could test yesterday after my IUI and I scrambled. It was in the afternoon, and I did the test and it was negative. LOL. My, like, what 12th negative pregnancy test I've ever taken. So I was like, oh, great. Okay, now I'm gonna spiral. So I did spiral, and I was just, like, running around like, what am I gonna do? I'm on TikTok. I'm. Whatever. What's all the girls doing? Because all these people are talking about, like, trying to conceive. There's this stuff called Gerard that's a liquid, like vitamin shot. It's like brown liquid, and you take one shot every single day leading up to ovulation, like, during your period. Whatever.
B
What is it?
A
I don't know. I literally don't take it. Guys. Like, I have no idea. It's like niacin and vitamin B12 and, like, all this. Oh, folate, like, all this stuff. Okay. I am not recommending that you take it. And this is not an ad. I literally have a supplement company. I would not be promoting another supplement company. But the girls are getting pregnant on it. So you know how everyone was taking Mucinex?
B
Yeah.
A
Every day now, the new things Geritol and Swear. Swear. I followed this girl's whole journey. Took Mucinex, didn't work. Was trying for over a year. Started Geritol, worked. So I ordered it. They have it at heb.
B
See, like, stuff like that to me is like, maybe it just happened to be the time that it worked.
A
I know.
B
I think that's not the Jerry I think, too.
A
But I'm at the point where I will literally try anything. I will inject something into my eyeballs.
B
Oh, I know.
A
I was ready to be a mom one year ago. So now I'm a year into. Here's how I feel. I feel like I'm living the wrong life. And I know that sounds really dramatic, but when I come to work, and don't get me wrong, like, I love this podcast. I love what I do. Like, I really feel very like I am supposed to be doing this. However, like, when I mentally decided I was ready to be a mom, like.
B
It'S like all you can think about.
A
Literally all I can think about from that moment on. So when I'm sitting at a desk all day and I'm, like, grinding or I'm traveling and doing these meetings, I'm just like, no.
B
Yeah.
A
Like, I want to be dropping off my kid at school or playing or I just. I'm not mentally like, yeah, here. I get it. So, yeah, I have mentally decided if I'm not pregnant by the end of the year, I will do IVF in January. And I don't care. I'll cancel everything I have on the schedule because I just.
B
You gotta do you.
A
I'm done.
B
Apologize. You know, it sounds like that's what you want and. Yeah, go get it.
A
I know. I was almost thinking I should cancel my LA trip next week, Honestly.
B
Well, next week's not going to change anything.
A
I know.
B
It's like, literally next week. I get it. We had a guest here the other day that brought his two little girls into the building.
A
Oh, yeah.
B
And they were quite literally the cutest little girls I've ever seen in my life. Like, smiley, giggly, happy little girls. And I almost started crying. I was literally playing with them on the basketball court, and I literally almost started crying. And I wanted to pick up the little ones. So Bad. But I was like, you know, you can't just, like, pick up people's children. But, like, the. The literal, primal feeling in me. Like, I was like, oh, my God. And imagine how I feel. I'm not even fucking close. I got a while until I can do.
A
I know, but it's different when you try.
B
I know.
A
And it's. You might get pregnant immediately.
B
See, that's also my thing. I'm like, okay, so what? I'm single now and I got, like, three years ahead of me. Three, four years maybe, until I get to try. And then. What if it takes me three years.
A
It'S taking everyone 36, 30. A really long time.
B
Terrifying.
A
I know.
B
Oh, that's because we all were on birth control for 10 years of our life and not knowing any of the repercussions of it.
A
Yeah, no, it's. It's like the. It was easier to lose £90. I lost £90 in the space of time. I've been trying.
B
Well, I also think knowing, you know, your personality and how, like, your work ethic and, like, when you put your mind to something, you do it and you see the results, and it's probably the one thing in your life that literally you do not have control over.
A
I'm so annoyed.
B
Like, you literally don't.
A
I'm. Yeah, normally I'm, like, trying to be positive on this show, but, guys, I'm, like, really annoyed at this point. I'm so frustrated about my life.
B
Yeah, this is a.
A
This episode's called this is Not a Girl. Yeah, it's not a girl chat. It's a bitching sesh, you know?
B
I mean, this is real shit. This is what most of these girls are probably going through, too.
A
That's true. Guys, let us know if you're trying to conceive or if you're dating. Just, like, share. We need, like, a forum. I mean, I know that you guys can comment if you're listening on Spotify and we can read the comments, but I would prefer to have, like, a little, like, girls chat.
B
Maybe our girl chats. We start doing more of the voicemails again and, like, anonymous stories or.
A
I have an idea.
B
I like that.
A
Oh, you know how people have those, like, threads in the dms. Like, you can have a public channel. Yeah, we could do that on the pow page.
B
That'd be smart. And people put questions. But then it's not anonymous.
A
Oh, yeah.
B
It's like, coming from.
A
No, but I just mean. To chat.
B
To chat. That's a good idea. Community.
A
Like, hey, guys. I'm trying Jericho this month. What about you? What if Geralt was, like, illegal? Just kidding. They have it at heb. Well, I'll keep you guys updated on that, because I also just wanted to be pregnant so I could tell everyone it. Thanks. Thanksgiving.
B
I know. You can't. You can't. Don't get ahead of yourself like that. I know, I know.
A
I planned it all.
B
Believe me. I'm. I. I know. I'm such a planner, too.
A
Like, I. I'm sad. I'm sad.
B
I meet a man, you guys on a first date, and I'm like, so where do you want to get married?
A
I know.
B
It's so toxic.
A
You can't do that.
B
Well, I'm gonna be so honest, though. I have literally started being like, so I want to be a mom and have kids, like, yesterday. What are your feelings of that? And if they run away, then run away. And I'm not saying I want that with you today. We just met, but, like, I'm. That's what I mean. I'm tired of being the cool girl.
A
Yeah.
B
I'm tired of it.
A
You were never the cool girl.
B
Okay, well, I'm tired of pretending to be the cool girl. Like, no, I was not the cool girl, but you know what I mean? Like, I'm tired of being like, yeah, I'm so over it. Like, I know what I want. I know what I'm looking for.
A
Why are you yelling?
B
Because I'm upset. I'm heated. No, but seriously, like, if that makes a man run away, then he is not my man. There. One man will come along and be like, yes, sure, you're my wife. No, I don't know where he is.
A
I'm trying to think of places that are a bit more like, I feel like you're kind of traditional.
B
I know you're not really.
A
I know politically you're not. Yeah, but I think you are.
B
I don't know, though, because I don't.
A
V. Yes, you are.
B
Like, I'm traditional in the sense that I want to be a mom and have babies and stuff, but I also don't want that in a very traditional setting. When we did the last episode, I had so many dms afterwards of people being women listening, which, thank you guys for sharing these, because they give me so much hope. Women that were like, I was in a toxic relationship all through my 20s. We broke up at 35, and I met my dream man at 37, and now we're pregnant, and I am so glad I waited. Or I'm so Glad I left that toxic relationship. I would have never met him without, you know, you said, which I loved. Like, you're closer now to finding that than you ever were staying in that relationship. So I do believe that. I think it's just like kind of the thing. Same with pregnancy. It's just time and it's like a numbers game and it's just. It'll happen, but it gets. I get it. It's very. What's the word? Like, you get very. It's like. What am I trying to say?
A
Discouraged.
B
Yes. Very discouraging.
A
Yeah.
B
When you just kind of continue to have not great experiences with stuff.
A
You're like, if you go to Spain and you meet someone there and then.
B
You never come back, you can come visit me. That would be sick.
A
That would be sick.
B
I mean. I mean, I'm not against it.
A
I feel like European men might be less sort of like, I would date a European tainted by society.
B
Yeah. I mean, every country has their own issues.
A
I could see you with a Brit. You should add London to your tour.
B
Okay. Also, do I go on like a love on tour? Like love make a show. Well, that's Harry Styles or documented on your Instagram. I know that's actually a good idea, me dating in different.
A
Also, let's be real. And we should really end soon because we're going over time and I have like, literally a million things to do. Sorry, I wish I was kidding. People meet on social media now and honestly, their show is a great platform to say, hey, few single if you know someone and please a decent person. I don't care.
B
It's vet them before you send them my way.
A
Yeah, that's not nice to send for you a psychopath. Thanks. But if you guys do know of anyone amazing, like, send them our way. And then also if you did a fee on tour. Trying to play on words with that.
B
I know we'll have to figure that out.
A
Whatever. Let's say you go on tour and you document it on your Instagram. And I'm like, I'm watching from afar and I'm like, reporting back on the mic. People will watch from around the world and like, men will want to date you.
B
Yeah.
A
I'm being for real. I know I sound like I'm.
B
No, I mean, I think it sounds. I. I think it sounds promising. I've. I've seen girls on Tick Tock again. It's like, Tick Tock, but like, girls that like, go abroad and like, meet their dream man and they're just like, oh, this is like, yeah, this is it.
A
And then you have complicated immigration issues, but we can get there.
B
Yeah, I know. I was talking with a guy about that recently, because he's going through it, and I was like, oh. I was like, I had to help my boss study for hers. Do you remember that?
A
What do you mean? It was advertising.
B
Her citizenship was, like, quite literally insane.
A
Insane, Insane. We took Adderall.
B
We did take Adderall. And we made flashcards and we studied our asses off.
A
Is it bad we said that?
B
I don't care.
A
It's fine. Yeah, we studied really hard.
B
I knew, like, Mari cried every day that she went to the.
A
Every single time I went to that immigration office, I cried.
B
You guys, I would drop Mari at the door. I was in your, like, old. Probably your old ranger. I run out and I would, like, do laps around the building because you're in downtown LA and you can't fucking park anywhere. And she would call me. Like, they wouldn't take me. Can you pick me up? I would go to the front. She, like, had her folder, and she'd be crying. And we call Leslie, and Leslie be.
A
Like, what do you mean? Leslie was.
B
Leslie was biz. I feel like every time you went back, they're like, oh, wait, now you need this form. And you're like, I've been here five times. Not them.
A
Literally putting a hole in my green card card.
B
And then before your wedding.
A
Right before my wedding. And then going, by the way, you can't travel for six months. And I go, hold on, babe. I'm literally getting married in a couple weeks.
B
They said, lol. No, you're not.
A
So then I got a temporary visa, and then I got pulled in the roof.
B
Oh, yeah, that's a. That's another story.
A
But anyways.
B
Okay, we'll get there when we get there.
A
Let's wrap up this sesh. Fee, thank you for joining today. That was a great sash. Love you.
B
Love you, too. It's gonna be great.
A
It's gonna be great.
B
This is crazy, you guys. I can't. We gotta figure it out.
A
It's gonna be crazy. I just can't wait for Fee on tour.
B
I feel like. I can't say that. I feel like Harry Styles. People are gonna come for me, but, like, why? Maybe I want his attention because, well, his things. Love on tour.
A
I don't think people are gonna dating on tour.
B
Do guys, help me come up with a good slogan? Yeah, I'll make it my, like, new Fee.
A
Finding love.
B
Oh, Fee.
A
I know.
B
I'm like, do I Go on a dating show. Yeah, I watched Love is Blind. I watched the last season of Love is Blind, and there's this one couple, Taylor and Garrett. If you guys watch Love is Blind, you'll get it. Obsessed. These people could not be more than. I know. I don't really want to fall in love on a dating show, but, like, this couple, quite literally, I'm like, I'm obsessed with them, and they are two perfect people together, and they. And they didn't even see each other.
A
I don't.
B
They got engaged without seeing each other, and then they're hot.
A
I don't hate you falling in love on a dating show. I'm just really worried.
B
Dating shows are a little scary.
A
What if, like, they edit you weird or something?
B
Yeah, I mean, I don't think they could, like, ruin my character. I feel like I'm pretty. That's the lovable one. But I actually always say, like, the Bachelor. I know. Hate. But, like, I'm like, if it came down to me and another girl and the guy was like, look, 50, I'm gonna propose to her. 50, I'm gonna propose to you. I. I'd be like, what do you mean? No, that doesn't work like that to me. I just don't like that. Like, I want to be Hondo.
A
If anyone's listening and it's connected to love, it's blind.
B
Production.
A
Production.
B
That's what. Haley and I'll be one of the.
A
Friends in the scene.
B
Oh, yeah. You'll be like, fiona just dates assholes. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be the one at the end when they come home for, like, hometowns, and they get them and they're like, why should you date them?
A
Yeah. Like, what's your intentions?
B
Oh, my God. Should I? I don't know.
A
Okay. Anyway, guys, we've ended this five times.
B
Okay?
A
I. We have requested a lot of feedback, so we'll talk to you guys soon. Thanks for joining us on the Pursuit of Wellness podcast to support this show. Please rate and review and share with your loved ones. If you want to be reminded of new episodes, click the subscribe button on your preferred podcast or video player. You can sign up for my newsletter to receive my favorites@mar.com it will be linked in the show notes. This is a Wellness Loud production produced by Drake Peterson, Fiona Atex, and Kelly Kyle. This show is edited by Mike Fry, and our video is recorded by Luis Vargas. You can also watch the full video of each episode on our YouTube channel at Mari Fitness. Love you. Pow. Girls and pow, boys. See you next time. The content of this show is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual medical and mental health advice and does not constitute a provider patient relationship. As always, talk to your doctor or health team.
Pursuit of Wellness: Episode Summary
Episode Title: Girl Chat: Are We Parting Ways? Mari & Fi On New Paths, Fresh Starts and Big Changes
Hosts: Mari Llewellyn & Fi
Date: [Assumed based on transcript]
Mari opens the episode with Fi, revealing a significant professional shift in their relationship. After three years of working closely together, Mari and Fi have decided to part ways professionally to preserve their friendship.
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Mari and Fi discuss how they managed their professional relationship amidst significant personal and career changes. They emphasize the importance of addressing the changes before misunderstandings arise.
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The conversation shifts to personal topics, including fertility struggles, self-esteem, dating challenges, and the pursuit of personal happiness outside of professional confines.
Mari shares her challenges with conceiving, discussing recent IUI attempts and the emotional toll of negative pregnancy tests. Fi empathizes, sharing her own experiences and the emotional impact of striving for motherhood.
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Fi opens up about her frustrations with modern dating, emphasizing the importance of self-worth and setting boundaries. She criticizes the transactional nature of many relationships and expresses a desire to focus on self-improvement.
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Both hosts delve into their struggles with perfectionism and the ingrained habit of prioritizing others' needs over their own. They discuss the challenge of setting boundaries and the journey toward self-acceptance.
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Mari and Fi express optimism about their decision to part ways professionally, believing it will strengthen their friendship. They discuss plans for future interactions, such as guest appearances on the podcast.
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Mari and Fi wrap up the episode by reaffirming their commitment to their friendship and expressing gratitude for their listeners' support. They encourage open communication and invite listeners to share their own experiences related to the discussed topics.
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This episode provides a candid and heartfelt discussion between Mari and Fi, exploring the delicate balance between professional partnerships and personal friendships. Their honesty and vulnerability offer valuable insights for listeners navigating similar transitions, emphasizing the importance of self-belief, boundaries, and authentic relationships.
Note: Advertisements and promotional segments have been excluded from this summary to focus on the core content of the episode.