← Pursuit of Wellness
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Mari Llewellyn
This is the Pursuit of Wellness podcast and I'm your host, Mari Llewellyn. Hi guys. Welcome back to another solo episode. It's Mari, your host. Thank you so much for tuning back in. I'm back from Colorado, back on the mic. Feels really good to be here today. I'm kind of giving you guys a big life update with some really good tidbits woven throughout. Obviously, I feel like the whole world knows at this point that I'm going through IVF right now. And it really just is unfortunately the theme of my life right now. Fortunately and unfortunately it's just difficult for me to think or talk about anything else cuz it's a very consuming process. So if you are going through IVF fertility or maybe you're just interested, I think you'll really like this episode. But I also talk a lot about, honestly, mindfulness in general and tools for dealing with difficult things. So even if you're just going through something completely different that is challenging for you, I feel like you might get some tips from this episode because as of late I've just really been trying to tap into the things that are helping me get through this. Honestly, it feels very day by day right now. Sometimes I feel like I can barely get through the day. Sometimes I feel like I'm really good. I feel positive, I feel optimistic. It kind of just depends. Like me today, I feel really good. I did a big workout this morning. I made my sourdough bread. I'm here in the studio. But like two days ago I was a disaster and sobbing the whole day. So it just like really depends. And there's all these factors that can happen with ivf and I feel like you're just in a very fragile state. Like one thing can happen. And yeah, it's just the way my therapist puts it. And she's also been through IVF for years and years, so she really gets where I'm coming from. She's like, you only have so many spirits spoons to give every day. So let's say you normally have 10 spoons and you give one of your spoons to your husband, one of your spoons to the dogs, one to work, one to friends with IVF that the amount of spoons just decreases. I feel like I only have like five spoons a day now and it's really, it's just challenging to kind of give my all to everything when I feel like all I'm obsessing about is this transfer working. I'm kind of in that waiting period right now. But before My embryo transfer, I don't want to say the day of it and be really specific cuz then I feel like people are kind of checking in to see if it works and that just adds so much pressure. So I'm just in that waiting period right now and it's pretty challenging to be patient during this time. So I feel like something I've been really focused on is filling my time and trying to distract myself in healthy ways so that I'm not sitting, sitting around obsessing about the outcome of the transfer. If you haven't listened to my recent morning routine episode, I really went in depth on that one about how much my life has shifted lately. If you've been following me for a while, I feel like you'll remember my life in LA or even before. This process was very, very different. I'd be up at 5 in the morning, I'd be at Gold's Gym, I'd be hit training for an hour and a half. I'd be at the office the entire day. My schedule was jam packed with meetings and events and I was flying around the country and whatever. And I feel my life right now is a lot slower just because I like need it to be. I don't feel like I have the mental capacity for much at all, which is tough. Like I feel like my relationship with work has changed a lot and it creates some level of guilt and like it's just a weird identity shift I think. And I would imagine it's a little bit of a foreshadowing for when I am pregnant and I have kids as well. But it also makes me really grateful that I, Greg and I. I mean, Greg's still going as hard as he always has, but it makes me grateful that I put my head down as long as I did because I've put myself in a position where I kind of can focus on this right now, which is really nice, but you know, a little bit of a life update. I went to Vail on a girls trip. I've kind of never been on like an all girls trip before. I didn't do a bachelorette. I've never been on a bachelorette. So this was kind of my first true girls trip and I went with some girlfriends from Austin. I originally wasn't gonna go and then I was like, you know what, I need this right now. I need the distraction, I need the girl time, I need the support. So we went to my lovely friend Nikki's family ski house in Vale and it was just like such a fun girly time. Lots of like playing dress up and getting drinks and getting apres skiing, eating, having fun. Skiing is also very nostalgic for me. I grew up in a big ski family. My dad is absolutely obsessed with skiing. So I started skiing pretty young. And all through middle school and high school, we would spend every single weekend driving from Westchester, New York to the Catskills. And we would ski Bel Air Mountain. That was like our family's mountain. I could literally draw it right now, every single run. And it definitely like, wasn't a bougie ski experience. It was very like rough and ready. Like we stayed, shared a little ski house with some family friends like an hour away from the mountain. And my sister and I were in ski school and then we were on the ski team and we would like help out with the kids and we'd eat chicken tenders and we'd ski from like eight to four every day and then go out for dinner at the same restaurant. And just a very nostalgic time for me. So when I'm skiing, I always think about like my dad and that time of my life. And I also feel like skiing is very, I mean, at least for me, it reminds me of horseback riding where I'm like, not on my phone, I'm very present, I'm outside, very like, aware of my body. It's kind of like a mindfulness tool in itself. You know, you're not really, like, you can't really think about anything else when you're skiing down a mountain. You're very aware of your surroundings, what's going on. And I found it to be very therapeutic and relaxing and yeah, just like a really good tool for me right now when I'm trying not to spiral, basically. So skiing was such a really, a really nice thing to tap into. And I went skiing a bunch of times in my head. It's like my last harrah. Because I obviously won't be skiing when I'm pregnant or after my embryo transfer. So I was like, let me get this all in now and do all the extreme sports now and then and obviously had like wine and enjoyed food and all the things that, you know, I can't do pretty soon I want to do right now. I definitely made sure I kept some of my like non negotiable wellness routines while I was away. And I saw a lot of questions happening in my Q A of like, well, how do you stay somewhat on track while you're away without feeling guilty? And there's definitely things I do that I need to do to stay like my best mentally. I feel like the mental part of it's the most important for me. I need to walk when I wake up. Like I was probably up an hour before everyone else in the girls trip and I would go on a walk. I would drink my water, my electrolytes, take my colostrum, my creatine, whatever, go on a quick walk, like literally 15 to 20 minutes just to get that outside time to get moving. And I would make breakfast every day, like eggs, you know, so I would feel really good. I felt like that set me up for success and also helped me be in the best mood possible while I'm on this trip with girlfriends. And also just like during this fragile time, like I know myself, if I drink too much alcohol or start the day wrong or just change things up too much and have an unhealthy lifestyle, like I just, I'm more likely to slip into a state of anxiety. Like I just know that about myself. So I kept that kind of unlock the entire trip. So I was in Vail for like three or four days. The mountain was stunning. We went out for dinners, we had the best time. Then I got in a car, two hour car drive to meet Greg in Aspen. I was in Colorado for a total of like nine or 10 days, which was a long time. But I kind of think it was good that I did that for myself because it allowed me to again like have that distraction foreign. You guys know I absolutely love red light therapy, especially red light face masks because it's been so good for my acne scarring. My personal favorite brand is Bon Charge. They empower individuals to live more fulfilling lives through science backed beauty and wellness products. I find that red light therapy has been so, so beneficial and it's really easy to do. It just takes 10 minutes a day. It smooths out fine lines and refines your skin tone, leaving you with a radiant youthful glow. I also find that it's easy to habit stack with the red light face mask. You can wear it while you're cooking, reading, hanging out with the fam, watching tv, whatever it may be. I feel like it's something I've been able to stick with consistently every single day because it really just takes 10 minutes. Plus it's portable, lightweight and contours perfectly to my face. 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There's no high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners or preservatives in any of Hungry Roots food. They only source top quality meat and seafood free of hormones and antibiotics. I think nutrition is such a huge part of any health journey. Nutrition has really been medicine for me. So I highly recommend you check this out. You are going to love Hungry Root as much as I do. Take advantage of this exclusive offer for a limited time. Get 40% off your first box plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com po and use code po that's hungryroot.com pal code pal to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Hungryroot.com pal code palm so Greg and I checked into an Airbnb. For the first couple of days we were in Aspen and then later on, checked in a hotel for a Valentine's Day trip. We did a lot of super fun activities. We went snowshoeing one of the days, which was actually, like, way harder than anticipated. We snowshoed, like, three miles, and I was dying. It was really, really. It was so much hard work. And the sun was on us, but it was really cold and the views were gorgeous. And we ended up hiking to Pine Creek Cookhouse, which is like a lunch spot in Aspen, and it was amazing. We went skiing, shopping, cafe, hopping. All the things. Greg was definitely. You know, he's in the midst of, like, a really crazy time with our business right now, and thank goodness I have him. And he's, you know, really focused on this moment that we're in. And he was on a lot of meetings. So I had a decent amount of alone time, which is honestly where I struggle the most. I'm not great at being alone. I feel like at first I was fine. I was kind of, like, taking myself around town, doing little things. I went to, like, a sauna, cold plunge place. But I will say, being alone is really tough for me right now. I feel like that's where my. My brain just kind of spirals, and this is something I'm working on. In general, I feel like I've always struggled being alone, and that's where I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm alone with my own thoughts. Like, I start spiraling about, am I doing enough prep for the transfer? Is the transfer going to work? What if it doesn't work? It's just a lot. You know, there's like, all these anxious thoughts happening, and thank goodness I have my therapist, who I will just text if I need to talk to someone. I also have friends who have done IVF so many times, and it really is one of those things where it's like, unless someone's been through it, it's really difficult to understand because, like, you know, I could go to one of my normal. Not normal friends, one of my friends, and just say, like, this feels like torture. I feel like I. I can't believe I have to wait longer. I can't believe it's still a month away or whatever it is, and they'll say, oh, but that's not long. Like, you know, you've been trying for two years. Like, there's no time at all. And that's. That is true. But in the world of ivf, it seriously feels like you're just like your whole life is on freeze all the time, and you're Just like, living in this. And it is this really weird feeling of, like, just the. The waiting period, it sucks. And I'm so grateful that I've gotten past the phone calls regarding the embryos. I'm so grateful I have healthy embryos ready to go. But this waiting period has been really, really hard on me. And I had one day in Aspen where it just all hit me at once. And it was just a super tough day. And it can be hard to recover from because it's just in your head at that point. And, you know, thank goodness I have Greg. He's so supportive and I feel are really funny though, when they comfort you, like, especially, especially about a topic that they can't relate to. It's his child too, so he's obviously a big part of this, but he was just like, can I give you a Valentine's Day gift? Now you look sad. And I was like, sure. He, like, got me cookies. He's like, definitely an acts of service guy. So he, like, wanted to just, like, give me things when I was sad. And that's when you lean on your girlfriends who have done IVF or you call your therapist or whatever. I mean, I'm not saying Greg isn't a great support. He is. But you can't necessarily, like, put all of the we the emotional weight into your partner because it's not always fair. And it's also, you can't expect everyone to understand what you're going through, especially when it's such a unique niche kind of problem. Oh, and the other thing I have been doing and I did this day was post on TikTok. And that might sound silly, but TikTok's been a really great place for me to just feel comfortable to like, pick up the camera and talk. And I talked in that moment where I was, like, having a meltdown about the embryo transfer. And I just talked to the camera and explained what was going on and how I felt. And it's so crazy to me, the IVF community that exists on the Internet, I know there's like, support groups on Facebook. I actually should probably check those out and in real life and whatever. But even when I talk about it on the show or I post about it on Tick Tock, I get such an overwhelming amount of responses. And it's women who really get it. Like, and just hearing their stories or even a woman commented on my last post about how she's doing, like a. A fake transfer right now to see if she responds well to the medication. And she was like, the anxiety I even have about this transfer, even though there's no baby at the end of it. And I was like, oh, my gosh, can't even imagine. And it's just so nice to have people to connect with online and just feel seen and spoken to in that way. And it makes you feel way less alone. So, yeah, if you're listening and you're struggling with this, like, I plan on checking out some of the Facebook groups. I know there's support groups, irl, Tick Tock seems to be a good place. And it just also makes you aware of how many people are also experiencing this. Like, I think something I've struggled with is just feeling so isolated because it's like I'm alone. It's all I'm thinking about. You know, I don't really have any friends who are currently going through it. I also have just been. I wasn't sure if I was going to bring this up, and I haven't yet, but I've just had a lot, a lot, a lot of people in my personal life, like, in my family, get pregnant in the last, like, couple weeks. And even, like, directly after my egg retrieval, which, if you've been following along, you know that it was a really tough procedure for me. I, like, fainted and had some really hard recovery there. And I found out right after that that someone we work with is pregnant. And it's just been a very complicated time because I'm so. And people listening who haven't been through IVF probably, like, wouldn't get this. And maybe it sounds like I'm a bad person, but I swear I'm not. I'm so happy for everyone that I've received this news from, like, beyond excited and for our families and things like that. It's just obviously such a complicated thing to hear when you're going through what I'm going through right now. Like, it. I've spoken to some people who in my life who have done IVF and struggled with infertility, and they every. The resounding answer from them was like, yeah, that is the hardest part of IVF is like, when other people around you get pregnant. And it's like, excruciating, kind of, because you feel like the universe is sort of playing a trick on you or you feel like you're getting punished or, like, why not me? What did I do wrong? It just creates these awful feelings, but at the same time, you're, like, wanting to be excited for them. And, you know, also when people tell you this news, when you're Going through what you're going through, it's like, it's always set up in a way where it's like, I feel so bad telling you this, or I feel so guilty and that makes you feel worse almost. There's really no good way to go about it. And it's just. It has really been hard for me, and I feel like I, like, want to talk about it and ask questions because I'm so excited. But at the same time, I'm like, God, this hurts. And I just can't wait to be there with them. So, yeah, I'm sure if you've gone through it, you will understand what I'm saying. And it's obviously such a beautiful blessing and I'm so happy for everyone listening who's pregnant or whatever. But, yeah, it just. I would be lying if I said it didn't make it. It more like it just complicates it. Yeah, I've been dealing with that as well and just trying to figure out the best way to go about everything. And honestly, I feel like since getting back from Colorado, I've been in a lot better of a headspace. I think getting back into my routine, going back to church, like, praying, like, doing all the things I was doing before has really helped me regain my footing. I think for a little bit there when I was out of my routine and probably like drinking and eating things that weren't making me feel good, like, that made it harder. And yeah, it helps to, like, wake up and do your workouts and be, you know, around your animals and people you love. And that's the other thing, like calling people you love. I feel like it's so easy to self isolate during something like this. And I feel like such a big thing for me has been like, friends and calling family and also just like being open. It's obviously to everyone's own preference. I've been so open about this whole thing, and sometimes I have moments where I'm like, should I have not done that? Like, you know, a lot of people in real life come up to me and talk about it with me or, like, ask questions, which is obviously, like, welcomed. That's. I'm putting it out in the open. That's kind of what I'm asking for. And sometimes when I don't want to talk about it, I'm like, oh, why did I ever publicize this? But I think this was actually mentioned in my. The last church service I watched online. It was about, like. And for anyone who's listening and is like, oh, it Was Mari suddenly religious? It's just something I've been doing during this process is like, attending church and kind of like figuring out. It just feels good to be in a. In a positive community. But the last church service was about the pain that. That God gives us and, you know, having this feeling of, like, why me? It's so unfair. Like, not. Not having a reason that we're going through something so hard until later, like, understanding the greater purpose later on. Like, we're all going through what we're going through for a reason. And I feel that way strongly about my fitness journey. And when I say fitness journey, I mean, like, my mental health journey. Like, all the things I went through in my childhood, like, figuring out how to find happiness again back when I lost weight and found health and found discipline and how to love myself and how to, like, get a job and how to build a business. Like, all of those things I went through were obviously for a greater purpose. Like, I never intended on sharing it, but when I did, it turned into this crazy, beautiful community that I'm still. It's crazy. People still come up to me and say that, like, me posting in 2017 changed their lives. And hearing their stories like it, I could have never have imagined how impactful and fulfilling that would be for me. And I almost am viewing this journey the same way. I'm like, okay, well, honestly, this feels harder than what I went through back then. And I'm like, what is the purpose of this? And I'm sure it's sort of unfolding for me in front of my eyes now. Like, even having women come up and say, like, thank you so much for talking about it, and you made me feel seen. And we appreciate you sharing and whatever. I get negative comments, too. But seeing just like me talking about it and making people feel less alone, I feel like is my purpose in life as it is, and who knows, you know, moving forward, what will happen and the amount of gratitude I'll have and stuff. So I'm just keeping that in my head is like, this greater purpose. You guys know I struggled with ACNE for over 10 years, and it was really hard to find brands that I could fully trust. And that is why I don't stop talking about Clear Stem. Clear Stem helps you treat acne and aging at the same time without using skin irritants, parabens, phthalates, or poor clogging ingredients. 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But, like, first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is literally get on my knees and pray and say, like, you know, please give me the strength to get through this day. Give me the strength to have optimism, like, to have hope and, and please, like, help us have a healthy family. And, you know, it changes every day. But I say something every morning and every night. I say, thank you so much for today. Thank you for keeping me healthy. Thank you for the amazing house I live in. Thank you for my husband. Thank you for, you know, I have so many things to be thankful for. And I think when we do that, it reminds us that there's good things happening too. Because I think with IVF and infertility, you're like, oh, my God, my life sucks. I hate this so much. Why is this happening to me? But there's so many good things happening around us and it, it's so easy to overlook when all you want in life is a baby. I so get it. It's so consuming. Like, seriously, I so get it. But to open your eyes and remember, like, wow, I am in the perfect position right now to have a baby. I've built my life to be what it is so that I can do this. Like, thank you for the people around me. Like, seriously, I feel like I'm the most set up right now to go through something like this. So gratitude practice, working out, seriously, no matter what it is. Oftentimes lately I'll go to a class because it just distracts me and helps me, like, be with friends and stuff. Or, you know, I Did Barry's this morning. I'll do Pilates. If I'm at home, I'll use the strength app, which is my fitness app. If you want to check that out in the description box. Just something to, like, get moving, like go on a walk, like, go outside. It's essential for me. I can't just be sitting on the couch right now. It's not good for my mental health. So working out, friends, getting a coffee, going for breakfast afterwards, just, like, filling my space with, like, support. And I seriously, like. I mean, I don't know if my friends listen to my show. I think they do sometimes, but they hear me. I mean, I FaceTime them all day, so they're probably sick of me. But just having, like, support, especially from just women in my life, has been so crucial for me. And just feeling like everyone's rooting for me. I mean, I actually could cry thinking about it. Like, it just feels like no one has to care this much, but they do. And it really is very, very moving. And I think it's been super duper helpful for me. Things that make me feel like I'm preparing for the embryo transfer, so this could also apply to, like, trying to conceive. But acupuncture. I just started doing acupuncture. I'm going to be doing it every single week leading up to the transfer. I'm actually trying out two places right now because I'm just a psychopath and I want it to be perfect. But I went to this one guy yesterday and it was a very interesting experience. It was like, unlike any other acupuncture I've ever done. Normally when I've done it, they just stick needles in you and leave for an hour. But this guy was, like, moving the needles around, like, putting pressure on, like, my rib cage and my wrists and, like, really, like, reading my body and doing light therapy at the same time and giving me suggestions for supplements leading up to the transfer. And he had a heating lamp on my feet. And it was really interesting, actually. Very, like, like educational. I also had some DMS that you should try putting the heating lamp over your uterus area, which I plan on asking for. I've also been doing, like, red light therapy on that area. I don't know about you guys, but my IVF doctor is not very holistic. So I bring these ideas to him where I'm like, okay, what do you think? Pomegranate juice, red light therapy, acupuncture, pineapple husks, Brazil nuts. And he's like, lol. I Mean, if you want to do that, you can. He. He actually called it magical thinking. Last time I asked about it, he was like, I mean, I'm all here for magical thinking. If it makes you feel better, do that. And I was like, okay, thanks. He's very statistical, very logical. Not super into my, like, crunchy granola stuff, but I'm into it, and it's making me feel better, so I'm doing it. And I personally, you guys, I mean, it's the pursuit of wellness. Like, I'm into this, so I'm doing it. So things that help me feel like I'm preparing acupuncture, pomegranate juice, red light, self care in general. Like, face masks, and, you know, anything to calm me down. Being around animals has always been a big one for me. Like, the chickens, the dogs, the horse. Like, seriously lifesaver for me. And reading this is such a big one, guys, for me because I. I think the time that I struggle the most with anxieties at night when I'm laying there trying to fall asleep and I'm spiraling. If I. Okay, so I picked up Fourth Wing. Actually, tons of you freaked out on my Instagram when I posted fourth Wing, and you were like, welcome to the club. It took me a minute to pick that book up, but now I'm deeply obsessed with Violet and Zaden. But it is a fantasy novel. It reminds me of Akatar, Court of Thorn and Roses. It's, like, about dragons. And I love fantasy stuff. And honestly, it makes me feel like I'm escaping into a different world for a minute. And it is. Is seriously helping my brain detach from obsessing. And I, you know, I also have very OCD tendencies, so I think I do tend to obsess about, like, results and stuff. So this is really helping me. So if you are struggling with something right now, highly recommend picking up a fantasy novel just to kind of escape for a minute. I don't know if that's healthy, but. Well, I'm gonna conclude this. Life update, slash, whatever you want to call it, IVF advice, dark time advice. I don't even know what to call it, but I love you guys so much. Thank you for your patience with me. Also, I just want to add. I know I think me and Fee mentioned this being, like, a celebrity guest episode that unfortunately didn't work out. I kind of think it was for the best. It was an amazing guest that maybe will come on in the future. We'll see. But it didn't work out this time. So for now we're going to continue with solo episodes, girl chats, and I'm also looking at bringing on a doula and some pregnancy experts onto the show because obviously I'm very interested in that right now. Possibly make an acupuncturist. Let's see. But I'm kind of just to be real with you guys. As I said before, IVF is such a consuming time. It's taking up all my energy. And truthfully, although I love biohacking and extreme wellness, it's just not where my head's at right now. So I could sit here and have a conversation about red dye 40 and toxic materials, but I would much rather talk about this, you know, women's health, pregnancy, and that's just kind of where my head's at. And I want to be authentic with you guys. So I hope that's okay and I hope you guys are enjoying it. If you are Just a reminder to follow subscribe Whether you're on Spotify or Apple or YouTube, you can watch the videos on YouTube. Leave a review Go follow us at the Pursuit of Wellness and I will see you guys in the next episode. Bye. Thank you for joining us on the Pursuit of Wellness podcast to support this show. Please rate and review and share with your loved ones. If you want to be reminded of new episodes, click the subscribe button on your preferred, preferred podcast or video player. You can sign up for my newsletter to receive my favorites@marilewellyn.com it will be linked in the show Notes this podcast is a Pursuit Network production brought to you by Michaela Phillips, Joel Contartese, Daviel Waldner, Jen Lauren and Mackenzie Meisel. You can also watch the full video of each episode on our YouTube channel at Pursuit of Wellness Podcast Love you pal girls and pow boys. I will see you next next time. The content of this show is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual medical and mental health advice and does not constitute a provider patient relationship. As always, talk to your doctor or health team.