57: How Bonnie Blue RUINED Everton F.C, Why Ronaldo Is BANNED From Iran & How A Referee Lost A Testicle!

Summary

Radio Rufus Episode 57 Summary

Release Date: March 26, 2025
Title: How Bonnie Blue RUINED Everton F.C, Why Ronaldo Is BANNED From Iran & How A Referee Lost A Testicle!
Host: The Fellas Studios

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1. Bonnie Blue's Impact on Everton F.C.

In this episode, Rufus Rice and Aiden Rafferty delve into the controversial actions of Bonnie Blue and her detrimental effects on Everton Football Club.

Sponsorship Scandal:
Everton's shirt sponsor, Stake—a prominent Australian gambling company—found itself embroiled in controversy following Bonnie Blue's provocative marketing campaign. Bonnie Blue released an advertisement featuring herself outside student halls at Nottingham University, making suggestive remarks such as, "I'm gonna sleep with 180 barely legal 18-year-olds" (10:38).

Regulatory Backlash:
This irresponsible marketing led the Gambling Commission to launch an investigation into Stake for targeting a vulnerable audience. As a result, Stake decided to withdraw from the Great Britain market, leaving Everton without a key sponsor. Rufus comments, "Bonnie Blue is moneyed up... She's demolished a football club and one of the most beloved car manufacturers in automotive history" (16:28).

Financial Fallout:
The absence of Stake is expected to cost Everton approximately £10 million, complicating their plans to build a new stadium. Both hosts humorously speculate on the club's desperate measures to secure new sponsorships, with Aiden imagining discussions where Everton must sell players to cover losses due to Bonnie Blue's antics (12:05).

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2. Cristiano Ronaldo Banned from Iran

The hosts shift focus to Cristiano Ronaldo's unforeseen ban from participating in the AFC Champions League due to Iranian laws.

Incident Details:
Cristiano Ronaldo, playing for a Saudi Pro League team, was filmed giving a hug and a kiss on the forehead to Fatemeh Nasrabadi, an artist with disabilities who paints with her feet. Under Iranian law, such gestures outside of marriage are classified as adultery, punishable by severe penalties, including 99 lashes (27:58).

Legal and Cultural Implications:
Rufus remarks, "It's like being the best student in bottom set maths" (23:16), highlighting the absurdity of the situation where a simple, respectful gesture resulted in Ronaldo facing harsh legal consequences. The ban not only affects Ronaldo's participation but also poses a PR nightmare for both him and the football clubs involved.

Club's Response:
Cristiano's club, Al Nassr, has opted to play Ronaldo on a neutral ground to mitigate potential backlash, but this decision underscores the complex interplay between sports and international law. Aiden humorously compares the situation to other high-profile instances where star players' absences caused significant disruptions (29:38).

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3. How a Referee Lost a Testicle

A bizarre and painful incident in a lower-tier German football match becomes a focal point of discussion.

The Incident:
During a match between FC Taxi II and Rot Weiss Mulheim III, referee Stefan Carla was performing routine ID checks of the players. Unexpectedly, a young child from one of the teams approached and bit the referee's testicle, causing him to abandon the match before it even began (45:36).

Aftermath and Reactions:
Rufus and Aiden analyze the absurdity of the event, questioning how a child could accurately target such a sensitive area. Aiden quips, "That's the precision of a fucking lion" (46:36), emphasizing the improbability and humorously exaggerating the severity of the bite.

Cultural Context:
The hosts discuss the German approach to football officiating, noting the stringent ID checks and how this incident reflects a mix of thoroughness and unexpected vulnerabilities within the sport (46:09).

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4. Additional Discussions and Segments

Beyond the main topics, Rufus and Aiden engage in a variety of humorous and offbeat conversations:

Banter and Humor:
The duo shares amusing anecdotes, ranging from personal experiences with sexual health procedures to quirky habits like standing up to wipe after using the toilet. Aiden shares, "I used to be popular in school. People are just going have a wank in the cubicle" (57:37), showcasing their signature irreverent humor.

Audience Interaction:
Listeners contributed stories about unusual behaviors, such as a friend who sends mass shower videos while wearing AirPods or another who dries laundry in kitchen cupboards, leading to mold infestations (53:28).

Game Segment - "Famous or Anus":
In a playful game, the hosts present rhyming but nonsensical options for listeners to choose between, such as "Famous or Anus" and "Sloppy Brisket or Soggy Biscuit," engaging in witty banter and absurdist humor (67:05).

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Conclusion

Episode 57 of Radio Rufus offers a mix of serious discussions on football scandals and bans intertwined with the hosts' characteristic humor and lighthearted interactions. Through their engaging dialogue, Rufus and Aiden provide listeners with both insightful commentary on current sports controversies and entertaining personal anecdotes, making for a rich and enjoyable episode.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Bonnie Blue's Impact:

  • Rufus: "Bonnie Blue is moneyed up... She's demolished a football club and one of the most beloved car manufacturers in automotive history" (16:28)

• Cristiano Ronaldo's Ban:

  • Rufus: "It's like being the best student in bottom set maths" (23:16)

• Referee Incident:

  • Aiden: "That's the precision of a fucking lion" (46:36)

• Banter and Humor:

  • Aiden: "I used to be popular in school. People are just going have a wank in the cubicle" (57:37)

• Game Segment:

  • Aiden: "Anus (67:26)"

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For more episodes, follow Radio Rufus on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram @radiorufusFM.

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Timestamps Reference

• <a name="timestamp102"></a>[10:38]
• <a name="timestamp1628"></a>[16:28]
• <a name="timestamp2736"></a>[27:58]
• <a name="timestamp2758"></a>[27:58]
• <a name="timestamp4536"></a>[45:36]
• <a name="timestamp4636"></a>[46:36]
• <a name="timestamp5737"></a>[57:37]
• <a name="timestamp5328"></a>[53:28]
• <a name="timestamp6705"></a>[67:05]
• <a name="timestamp6726"></a>[67:26]

Transcript

[Rufus Rice]

Welcome to a brand new episode of Radio Rufus with me, Rufus Rice. If you haven't already hit follow, why not tap that button right now for new episodes every Wednesday? And if you want more Radio Rufus, catch us on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram. Radiorufus FM. Let's get into it.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Race the rudders. Race the sails. Race the sails. Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching. Over. Roger, wait. Is that an enterprise sales solution?

[Marc Maron]

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[Unknown]

Hey, it's Marc Maron from WTF here to let you know that this podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. And I'm sure the reason you're listening to this podcast right now is because you chose it well. Choose Progressives Name your price tool and you could find insurance options that fit your budget. So you can pick the best one for your situation. Who doesn't like choice? Try [e-mail] and now some legal info. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in in all states.

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[Rufus Rice]

And that's when I realized you aren't allowed to do drugs at the Sidemen charity football match. And we're live.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You are now listening to Radio Rufus.

[Rufus Rice]

Yes. Yes, yes, you horny hermaphrodites. Welcome back to another holistic episode of Radio Rufus. That's right, I did try and do a little bit of BTH at the Simon. It's actually the Wembley cup, the one with no Spectators. It was just me. Yeah. It was the empty Wembley. Daniel Cutting missing absolutely everything.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What age would you have been then?

[Rufus Rice]

Also, who the fuck is Daniel Cussing?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Is he the bald fella that just happened to be good at skills?

[Rufus Rice]

He has, like a legendary lowlight compilation of like, Daniel Cutting worst moments. Like Ben Jersey football match. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know who he is. I've never heard of him since. Or before.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Was that the one sponsored by ee?

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I don't know why I remember that so vividly.

[Rufus Rice]

I remember it so well because I was 13, so I was loving it.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I'd have been like 15, 16 then. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

But there were no. There's no audience at the first Wembley Cup.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What game was the first one that had an audience?

[Rufus Rice]

The second Wembley Cup.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Right, the second Wembley cup in an audience.

[Rufus Rice]

First Simon Charity man. Yeah, One of those.

[Aiden Rafferty]

The prime does were the hashtag Academy videos.

[Rufus Rice]

I've never watched them. Like, I know everybody loves Faisal Manji. I've literally heard of the chat.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Fuck. I thought you were cultured.

[Rufus Rice]

No, no, no.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You weren't watching him. No.

[Rufus Rice]

People talk about it like he's like prime Ronaldinho, but I know he's a bang average footballer.

[Aiden Rafferty]

He was good at that standard. He was good for what it was. Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Right, okay. Well, I would say compared to, like, compared to me. My mum is good at being a woman, I think, is the sort of analogy we're going with.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You're not bothered at it, though.

[Rufus Rice]

You clean up nice on the weekend. I would look good in drag.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Remember we were gonna do that at one stage when they charged us, like, fucking 200 quid.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. We did have an idea to do drag on the show.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

And it got vetoed by the studio and it was gonna cost 200 quid. Yeah. So we sort of said maybe, maybe next week.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Surely there's someone watching that's local to this area that will. It'll remain undisclosed the location. But that might be good at makeup. That would just do it for the love of the game. Yeah, surely there's someone.

[Rufus Rice]

I think it got vetoed because it was going to be insensitive.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I don't get it, though, because, like, it's not as if we were. There's nothing homophobic about it.

[Rufus Rice]

No, it's appreciative.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. That wasn't our intentions.

[Rufus Rice]

No, it was. It was homosexual.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. I think maybe the fact that we. We treated it as a forfeit, people were like, how come that's a forfeit?

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, it's definitely A forfeit?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. It was over some game. It might have been. Who? You can name the biggest number.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Classic game.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Do you wanna have a quick round?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Can I go first this time?

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Wait, I always go first.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

17,998.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, by the way, if you lose, you have to finger your own ass on a TikTok live.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Can I get, like, Luke Bennett to do it?

[Rufus Rice]

No.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Fuck's sake.

[Rufus Rice]

It's on his account. But it's you doing it.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Have you just got the login ready to go?

[Rufus Rice]

I'll go for 1 billion and I'll take the win. Unlucky.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I wish I knew the forfeit before and named the number because I went. I might have stretched like 18,000.

[Rufus Rice]

It's a bit. There's a bit of. Been a bit of reformatting where we tell you the forfeit after you've already lost. Anyway, we are back, as we always are. The latest and greatest news. Sports games from around the world. And it's the first time, I think, that you've done some waffle before. Your traditional first line. Aidan, if you'd like to say hello to the people in your best Chinese accent.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Hello.

[Rufus Rice]

Wow.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I can't put. I can't put the R's and those L's because they'll just get deleted.

[Rufus Rice]

No, I didn't know that. Didn't know which bit of Northern Ireland China is in, but there we go. You're from Beijing, Derri. Yeah, that's my producer, Aiden. I am Rufus Rice. I'm the main guy, really. I'm the guy you have to worry about. My name's on the poster. He's just here. I can't get rid of him.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, part of the furniture.

[Rufus Rice]

He lives here, actually. I just turn on the lights and he wakes up.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I've got a pillow under this desk.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, it's like a homeless guy in a sort of shop window. Not in the window. That's the mannequin in the. In the doorway.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Underneath the shutters.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

I saw a guy actually doing heroin in broad daylight outside of Sainsbury's in Exeter once.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Next one. Where was he injected?

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, not the penis. Probably not the penis, but I think it works. Like you just run out of veins, Right?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, true.

[Rufus Rice]

And eventually it is literally trying to find a needle in a haystack, like using an unclogged one.

[Aiden Rafferty]

The penis is naturally pretty veiny, so an ideal location. Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

I'd be worried about it, though, because I think all the damage would go straight to my Penis first. And I want that to last for as long as possible. Like you could lose an arm.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, very easy. Whenever I worked in Tesco, the people out the back used always inject into their ass. But you don't know the benefit of it. Maybe they've just lost all the other veins. But you go out and there's this woman who had crawled off her wheelchair, right. She was like her fucking tracksuit bottoms halfway down her knees.

[Rufus Rice]

Wow. Okay.

[Aiden Rafferty]

And just injecting right in there.

[Rufus Rice]

I think you need like one of those mirrors they have at the barbers to look at the back. You've got someone like, how does that look? Is that right? How do you always say yes?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Even if you always want the heroin.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Even if you've got absolutely shafted by your barber.

[Rufus Rice]

The thing is, with that thing of the barbers, I don't know what I'm looking for. Like, it always looks the same every time because they just cut my hair.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You only know whenever someone comments on a video or something being like, oh, what is. What does Aiden's barber do for a living? Or you get one of those. I thought it was good.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, you thought it was a bar, but turns out it's a good Barbie. You should have known when they were slicing bits off you down the side like that.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I saw a homeless person outside Paddy Power the other day and I was thinking, that's fucking genius because no one's going into potty power without a few quid in their pocket, right? And they can't argue. They're like, oh, well, it's not as if it's for a necessity.

[Rufus Rice]

Captive audience.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. So they're guilt tripping them.

[Rufus Rice]

It's like asking a. Asking a vicar to use his phone charger. What's he gonna do, say no? That's just not very Christian of him.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. I can't imagine a vicar having a phone now.

[Rufus Rice]

How do you think they contact the kids? They're all on Snapchat.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Some sort of maiden call.

[Rufus Rice]

Right. They're all.

[Aiden Rafferty]

They target the Christian mingle. It's the altar boys after the mass though. I don't think they're meeting up. There's no extracurricular.

[Rufus Rice]

My lack of. What would it be called? It's not bull knowledge. It's like my lack of wine knowledge.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Wine.

[Rufus Rice]

Mass knowledge, that is it. Mass knowledge, yeah, mass knowledge, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

But they'll like, they'll keep them behind after. And I'm pretty sure they're meant to pay the altar bodies, but I think they just shag them instead.

[Rufus Rice]

Well, otherwise it'd be prostitution. That's unethical.

[Aiden Rafferty]

True. So you can't do that.

[Rufus Rice]

Before we get into this one, make sure rate us on your audio platform of choice, whether that's Spotify, Apple Podcasts or you're listening to it down a string with a tin can inside. Solitary confinement in the high security prison in which you live.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Maybe on the Reich Radio.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, on the Reich Radio. Maybe you're listening to it through a Morse code machine at the top of K2 after an unsuccessful climbing attempt has left you stranded and you know, with the last vestiges of your life slowly dripping away and the last thing you choose to do is listen to this great show and if that is you, unlucky. Anyway, I think Bonnie Blue is going to do more damage to Everton Football Club than the actual football association has done. Who is Everton's shirt sponsor?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Stick.

[Rufus Rice]

Yes. The dodgy Australian gambling company. Yeah, but I had to Google it. Stake. So they put out an advert featuring Bonnie Blue standing outside first, first year halls at Nottingham Uni.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

And she's, she's basically saying, I think it was a darts gambling promotion. Because she said in the video I was, I'm gonna sleep with 180 barely legal 18 year olds. I'm not even joking. That's what it was. And that caused the gambling commission, who regulate this stuff, who are basically like school prefects who had grown up with like walking around handing out detention. So they launched an investigation into steak because of this. Yeah, because that is basically marketing to a vulnerable audience.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Because 18 year olds love the idea of shagging. Basically a woman who is at this point merely a human masturbatory aid.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, just a vessel.

[Rufus Rice]

Yes, exactly. I'm just shaking that. And sort of wasting their student loan on sports betting. So because of this investigation, Stake are going to leave the country entirely.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Okay.

[Rufus Rice]

So they're pulling out of the GB market.

[Aiden Rafferty]

So does that mean that Evan's going to be without a Shard sponsor?

[Rufus Rice]

Well, I don't know, but it's probably not good news.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That's gonna cost them like 10 million. Probably.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. And they're building a new stadium.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Imagine me and David Moyes sat in a fucking boardroom in the summer and they're like, we don't know how to tell you this, but you've got no transfer budget.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

And it's because of some fucking onlyfans bitch.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, you gotta sell that centre back with the Polish name him.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, sell all them turkey whiskey.

[Rufus Rice]

You're thinking of Tarkowski Yeah, get rid of him. Bonnie Blues put us under.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Whenever you first asked me about the shirt sponsor, I immediately went back to Chang. Remember Chang used to sponsor them?

[Rufus Rice]

Chang Bear.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Which was Taste of Asia, I'm pretty sure is also a slang name for coke in certain circles.

[Rufus Rice]

So you could get a Chang and Chang and that's a nice little combat.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, it is indeed. Chang the elephant would have been fucking fuming. Do you remember him? The old mascot?

[Rufus Rice]

I honestly, this was not. I did not watch this football era.

[Aiden Rafferty]

2010, probably.

[Rufus Rice]

Nah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Do you don't even watch the modern one, do you?

[Rufus Rice]

No, not really. I've watched like. Like Barcelona come back against PSG Highlights. That's like my feel.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tearing up with it.

[Rufus Rice]

Or like 2011 Champions League final, Inter Milan scoring two. Go. That guy scored two goals.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Diego Melito. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Do you ever find yourself watching like beautiful football respect moments and tearing up?

[Rufus Rice]

No, never. Well, I think football's idea of respect, we've been over this is just a really low bar.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. But it's. It says football respect moments, but it's really someone like stopping someone from choking on their tongue.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, like that sort of highlights football first aid highlights. A and E highlights. Yeah. So basically she might have done more to relegate Everton Football Club than the points deduction. Remains to. Remains to be seen.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I reckon if they do lose a shirt sponsor, they'd be that desperate that they just accept her sponsor in the shirt for the rest of the season.

[Rufus Rice]

Everton Football Club is brought to you by Bonnie Blue.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, just across the tits.

[Rufus Rice]

Right.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It's pretty on brand. Her name's Bonnie Blue.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What's her real name again? Tia something.

[Rufus Rice]

Tia Billinger.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That's such a shit name. I can see why she changed it up.

[Rufus Rice]

I think that's a nice name for porn, though.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Bonnie Blue is a good porn star name.

[Rufus Rice]

What's your porn star name?

[Aiden Rafferty]

The Irish Hurricane.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, I didn't real. You don't have to do it like a darts play. You don't have to like make up a. You can just put an actual name.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I just did. You already have a porn star name, which I've always been jealous of.

[Rufus Rice]

You think my name's a porn star name?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Rufus Rice is 100% a porn star name.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. People think it's a stage name.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Yeah, it does sound like it.

[Rufus Rice]

Get ID checks everywhere I go.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Thing is, Bonnie Blue clearly doesn't give a shit about this at all. Because while this whole thing is going on and she might have Cost them their new stadium. She released some press photos parading around. She's bought a brand new custom half a million dollar Ferrari and if you want to bring that up these press pics. I've never seen anything like this. She's redefining the medium of PR stunt. She really is. Yeah. There we go. This is her with a Ferrari. First thing I thought when I saw this was I thought she'd signed to drive alongside Lewis Hamilton this year. It does look like a driver announce. And this is a brand new pose.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

For the listener. She sort of spread eagled in the front of a car with her hand covering where her vagina would be if it didn't look like Baghdad after the Taliban retook it these days.

[Aiden Rafferty]

But more context. She's also wearing jeans.

[Rufus Rice]

She is also wearing jeans. That's an important. Yeah that's an important motive. And if you scroll down a little bit further you'll see she's actually got customers stitching in the headlamp of this bad boy.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Okay.

[Rufus Rice]

So if you look down you see on the headrest here she's got custom stitching.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

And Ferrari are dicks about this sort of stuff. Usually they're just like there's the car, take it, drive it. That was a good Italian accent.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It sounded like a mob boss in New York City kinda.

[Rufus Rice]

Here's a car, take it, drive it.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I would say the main reason for this is just so people don't try and claim that she's renting it because people always pull those kind of stunts.

[Rufus Rice]

You know the Bonnie Blue is moneyed up.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, 100%.

[Rufus Rice]

It's always ridiculous that when people say stuff like that because you think she's doing this for less money than it takes to buy a Ferrari. There's no way. That doesn't make any sense.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

But now she has her. Surely this just ruins the reputation of this car company as well. So she's demolished a football club. She's. She's brought down one of the most beloved car manufacturers in all of automotive history.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You're gonna have to sell your Everton on your Ferrari stocks before the.

[Rufus Rice]

Can you buy stocks in Everton Football Club?

[Aiden Rafferty]

I would say so yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

I think it's better just to wipe your assurely.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I highly doubt as well that Ferrari would have went anywhere near that. She's had to take that to some random mechanic and be like here, here's a Sharpie boss.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah get that in there.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Maybe she's got my grandson. Is it? I don't know. But yeah she's she's carefree, she's living life, she's loving life. And she actually has shared what her next stunt is. What's up with the 1057 in the sort of, you know, the mentally ill arms race that is sort of the OnlyFans PR stunt war. Yeah. She's. So she's done Freshers week.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Mm.

[Rufus Rice]

She's done Schoolies, which is Australian freshers.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Now she's going for spring break. She's gonna crack the States, baby.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Surprising Jess and ready, done that. Well, that seems like something. She would have been all over, but it's good to see she's breaking America.

[Rufus Rice]

She's going Hollywood.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It's like whenever the Spice Girls took America.

[Rufus Rice]

Exactly. Yeah. This is Beatle mania all over again. This time it's. It's men pissing themselves. Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What. Is there a lower age of consent in the city that she's going to? Because I know in some place states in America there is.

[Rufus Rice]

No, not in. She's going to Florida, I think.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Right. Okay.

[Rufus Rice]

It's higher. And I know that because Cody Kog got done for noncing Tana Mongeau when she was 17. Which in this country would be legal.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. But not over there.

[Rufus Rice]

No.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I was going to ask because I was about to say I wouldn't be surprised if her next stunt was to find the country with the fucking lowest age of consent.

[Rufus Rice]

I. I bet you can guess where it is.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Is it Afghanistan?

[Rufus Rice]

No, no, no.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Syria?

[Rufus Rice]

No, no, no, no, no. You're thinking you're down the wrong lines.

[Aiden Rafferty]

China.

[Rufus Rice]

Think about. Think about your. Your. Your beliefs and how you grew up.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I don't know.

[Rufus Rice]

It's the Vatican City.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What age is it there?

[Rufus Rice]

12.

[Aiden Rafferty]

12 years old.

[Rufus Rice]

12? I promise you it's 12.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Is there any coincidence that that's where the fucking Pope's hanging around and the age of consent's 12?

[Rufus Rice]

It's like the bird and the egg. Did the age of consent come first and that made all the nonces, or did the nonces make the rules? I don't know. I don't know.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I don't think you should be able to have fucking pedophi hitting the edge of consent. It seems a bit dodgy. What if we bring it down? What do you think? In 1612?

[Rufus Rice]

That's like. Well, that's. That is like having terrorists do the gun laws. It's like. Well, I think we should just have them.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, you.

[Rufus Rice]

You have to have one, actually.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Just hear. Alkay it out. You've got some good Ideas. We're a modern company.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. That's like me. Like building a statue of myself. I'm gonna build a statue to honor me. By me, Rufus Rice. Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Only you're allowed near us.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Next up, I'll be at spring break, where I'll be paying the tuition of the boy who gives me the best orgasm and the one with the smallest penis. So she's making two teenage boys dreams come true and paying off their college fund.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Don't get me wrong. You want all the publicity you can get if you're the one that gives her the best orgasm. Yeah, but you don't want there to be a fucking article about how you got your tuition paid for you if you've got the smallest cock.

[Rufus Rice]

Do you think she says who's who?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Oh, yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

And what? You know what? It would be funny if she released both the names but didn't specify who got what. Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. It's the ultimate 50. 50.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

It's red or black. Yeah. She said sex is about having fun. That's one of the few things she said that I sort of agree. It doesn't feel like this is fun anymore. This feels like business.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, I don't think. I don't believe that she could be enjoying it, especially after over a thousand.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Like, at that stage, it's just. Would she even feel anything?

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Like you have to shag the ugly birds to enjoy the good ones.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, Good point.

[Rufus Rice]

If you're just getting plowed all the.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Time just to realize what. What you're actually missing.

[Rufus Rice]

Well, yeah, you lose out on it. So. Sex is about having fun. And I can't wait to keep giving pleasure to sons and their dad by relieving them of their fluids and their financial stresses.

[Aiden Rafferty]

So she's gonna. Whenever she says sons and dads.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

She turns up with my dads as well. She's gonna pay for them.

[Rufus Rice]

I don't know. I think she said that for no reason.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. It wouldn't be unlike her.

[Rufus Rice]

I. I saw a thing similar to this when I got booked for a rugby club gig once. And I was not aware that this was going to happen beforehand. Our dinner got served to us by. By naked strippers. And I saw one guy, his dad was the coach. And it's got to be upsetting over your dinner to see your own dad fondling a stripper.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. That would kind of shatter your illusion of what your dad is, wouldn't it?

[Rufus Rice]

Well, I. You know, I see my dad as a role model, and I feel like that guy is having a tough time.

[Aiden Rafferty]

With that, especially in public view.

[Rufus Rice]

Especially once he gets in the hot tub.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Would you rather, though, see your dad do it at the table?

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Or see him sneaking off to a booth and you don't know what's going on behind there, but you have the idea?

[Rufus Rice]

Well, I think, like, I just pray and hope that they're, you know, playing Scrabble, Yahtzee, maybe.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, yeah. Just having a conversation.

[Rufus Rice]

At least there's a chance there. Yard seeing. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, let's move on to our next story now and from one football club to another as we move over to the top flight of the Hummus football pyramid. It's the Saudi pro league footballer and former green grocer Cristiano Ronaldo will not play in the first leg of the AFC Champions League round of 16 match against Iranian club Esteglal.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Spot on.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Because he could face the punishment of 99 lashes for adultery. We're calling it the AFC Champions League. Like, big emphasis on the AFC. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It's like the copper liberatedores, I believe you call it. Is it the Brazilian one?

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Which is just the standard.

[Rufus Rice]

So shit is it?

[Aiden Rafferty]

I imagine this one's even worse.

[Rufus Rice]

Calling it the AFC Champions League is like being the best student in bottom set maths.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Doesn't really say a lot, does it?

[Rufus Rice]

No. Like, I guess you won.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

But there's levels to the game. Radio Rufus will return after these advertiser messages.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Race the rudders. Race the sails. Race the sails. Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching. Over. Roger, Wait. Is that an enterprise sales solution?

[Marc Maron]

Reach sales professionals, not professional sailors. With LinkedIn ads, you can target the right people by industry, job title and more. We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started today at LinkedIn.com results, terms and conditions apply.

[Unknown]

Hey, it's Marc Maron from WTF here to let you know that this podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. And I'm sure the reason you're listening to this podcast right now is because you chose it well. Choose Progressives Name your price tool and you could find insurance options that fit your budget. So you can pick the best one for your situation. Who doesn't like choice? Try [e-mail] and now some legal info. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

[Marc Maron]

Your customers are scrolling past your social ads, using ad blockers and paying for ad free streaming. But when they're listening to a podcast, they're hearing acast ads which are 4.4 times more engaging than with display ads.

[Rufus Rice]

So if you want real attention, start.

[Marc Maron]

Advertising on podcasts with Acast. Start today at go.acast.com ads.

[Rufus Rice]

We now return to Radio Rufus.

[Aiden Rafferty]

This is a question that I've asked my friends before. Would you rather be the dumbest person in the highest class or the smartest person in the lowest class?

[Rufus Rice]

Big fish, small pond.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. I'm thinking the same. I'm thinking I'm a king amongst these gimps.

[Rufus Rice]

Right. It's. It. Well, it all goes back to shortest normal person or tallest dwarf.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I think that old classic.

[Rufus Rice]

See, I'm not think I'm the only person in the world who takes shortest normal person there.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Why?

[Rufus Rice]

Because I don't have the funny legs.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You still will have. Yeah, you'll be in proportion is what you're thinking.

[Rufus Rice]

I don't have the condition. I'm just short. But you like. I want to be a king amongst the dwarves.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. But just think about it. I'm the king of the dwarves. You're the shortest normal person and there's probably the same difference between our height right now. Do you know what I mean? How does that feel, knowing that this fucking dwarf.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Is not far off you.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh. Do you think the tallest dwarf is taller than the shortest normal person?

[Aiden Rafferty]

No, that. That's impossible.

[Rufus Rice]

I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

[Aiden Rafferty]

But they're cut. They're. Surely there's only like an inch in it, Right? So would it not be pretty disheartening?

[Rufus Rice]

I'm still taller.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, but even though you've got normal legs.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Surely that's still hard to take, that I'm standing beside you and people couldn't notice the difference in her height. They notice the difference in her legs.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, but the other option is I just have dwarfism.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I don't know. I'm being king in my community.

[Rufus Rice]

I'm not being given a good option here.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, well, you're at the bottom of your food chain and the top of main.

[Rufus Rice]

I'm still above you, though. I don't know.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I've got people riding for me. Like, I could have an army.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, but you don't, though, because that's not how it works.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Surely there is a king amongst them.

[Rufus Rice]

Tyrion Lannister.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Nah, he couldn't be the king. I'd be a taller dwarf than him.

[Rufus Rice]

Right, okay.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What was he? He was the Lord of Tits and Wine, which is probably the best fucking name of all time.

[Rufus Rice]

Mm. Would you be the Lord of Prejudice Classism, snobbery. Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

The lord of prejudice and vapes.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Yeah. Prejudice and vapes. My two favorite things. Anyway, Cristiano ronaldo. So in 2023, after a tie against fellow Iranians Persepolis, Cristiano Ronaldo was filmed giving a hug and a kiss on the forehead to Fatemeh Nasrabadi, who's an artist who suffers from a disability and paints with her feet. So an upstanding member of the community, an inspiration, an icon, and he gave her a hug and a kiss. However, according to Iranian law, that's not his wife, so that's adultery.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Okay.

[Rufus Rice]

And that is haram.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

So the punishment for that, normally, is being whipped 99 times.

[Aiden Rafferty]

If I was an avid gimp, I'd be in the first flight to Iran. You'd know. You'd know the amount of lashes every single. Like, petty crime.

[Rufus Rice]

How much skimpiness do you have to do to be avid? At least once a week.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Bi weekly.

[Rufus Rice]

Bi weekly, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

That's when you do it with men one week and women the other. Right.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I'd be thinking, like.

[Rufus Rice]

And bi weekly.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I'll be standing in front of the police about the litter thinking, like, how many lashes is this gonna get me?

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, right. I hope I don't get in trouble. That sort of business.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. They'd hate to see me coming at the whipping post. I'd never be away from it.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It is strange, though, that this is the hill Iran's gonna die on with some of their other fucking human rights violations and issues.

[Rufus Rice]

I think if they whipped Ronaldo, it would be a PR problem. I think some people would be upset about that. Maybe not Ronaldo. I don't know what he's into.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. We can add it to the list of Condris is not allowed into.

[Rufus Rice]

What's the other one?

[Aiden Rafferty]

America. Although they have slightly. A slightly better reason for.

[Rufus Rice]

Well, that was an actual criminal. That's what I find crazy about this, is he 100% has cheated on his wife before with, like, Brazilian swimsuit models and stuff.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

There's a lot of allegations around that. But that's not what he's being done for here.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

It's because he kissed. He hugged a woman.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

He hugged an artist.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. The US have a slightly better alleged reason than fucking Iran do.

[Rufus Rice]

So Al Nassr basically, like, we need our man on the pitch. We paid half a billion pounds for him or whatever.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

So they were like, let's play at a neutral ground. And the Esteglal said, no, actually, fair enough. Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Get rid of their best players. Genius.

[Rufus Rice]

So he's just not going to play.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Have you seen the shit in the MLS where a certain team can't remember what one it was, but they were basically meant to be playing Inter Miami and they completely sold out all their tickets. But then it was announced that Messi was injured and they've had to like refund tickets and stuff and like apologize to their fans because obviously everyone was just going to see Messi.

[Rufus Rice]

Right.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Can you imagine that happened in the Premier League? Like United putting out a statement being like, sorry, Salah's not playing against us today.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, against you?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, against them.

[Rufus Rice]

Right. So their own fans sort of are coming to see Messi. Yeah, yeah, right, yeah, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

And they're having to apologize for it because he pulled his hamstring or something. I don't know what the reason was for him missing it, but.

[Rufus Rice]

Right.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It's a bit mental, isn't it?

[Rufus Rice]

That's like when I went to see the 1975 and I was sort of just hate watching it, kind of enjoying it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was goth city, bro.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I would imagine so.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Do you swing that way?

[Rufus Rice]

Goth?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

What do you think?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Occasionally.

[Rufus Rice]

You think I'm a goth guy?

[Aiden Rafferty]

I think you could be.

[Rufus Rice]

No, come on, bro.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Never.

[Rufus Rice]

I'm terrified by goths.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

They got those big clumpy black boots on that looks like it could crush my skull.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You telling me after a few fucking vodka sodas you're not getting into that?

[Rufus Rice]

I'm not gonna say I've never done that.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, I fucking know you haven't.

[Rufus Rice]

I know goths. Goths terrify me. I just. I don't know how they can be bothered to put on all this stuff every day. Yeah, it's a lot of work.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. And also going out of the way to make themselves look sick.

[Rufus Rice]

Yes. They all look anemic.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Or like they're struggling with some kind of undiagnosed.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. I hate though. There's like, there's fair weather goths that haven't actually been through the. The trouble. Do you know what I mean?

[Rufus Rice]

You only support the team when we're winning.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. I think you need some of the trauma to play. I don't think you can just show up and dye your hair black and.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Put on some. What the fuck do you even call the shit foundation.

[Rufus Rice]

That's why I bought a Lana Del Rey magazine. So when I bring girls back to the pad, it doesn't look like I'm lying.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I Remember one of my friends, uni? He was talking about how, you know, he wasn't really getting women and stuff like that. Then I went into Shocker. I went into his bedroom, and not only did he have a Crash Bandicoot poster up, but he also had an encyclopedia on why men earn more at the side of his table. And I was thinking, fucking hell. Doesn't take a genius to tell you why.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, the answers write themselves, I think. A little bit. Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Right, so I've got a list of offenses here, and I'm going to ask you how many lashes you think each of them deserve.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Okay, we're going to do it rapid fire. Then if you want to explain after, you can make an Instagram account for your pet.

[Rufus Rice]

Not a crime, naught. Trick question.

[Aiden Rafferty]

How so? Because that doesn't have to be a crime. It's just how many lashes you.

[Rufus Rice]

I think.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

I thought we were going on the Iranian. Thought you wanted me to guess. How many you get now?

[Aiden Rafferty]

How many you think? How many whips these people deserve?

[Rufus Rice]

Okay.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Have an Instagram account for your pet.

[Rufus Rice]

Okay, well, I think a person should get 10, but give the dog one as well.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Having a ham sandwich in a meal. Deal.

[Rufus Rice]

Mmm. No. No lashes. But just pop them in a home.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Using an ipod as an adult, that's bad.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Yeah. A hundred. A hundred lashes and I crack their iPad in half.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Wearing sunglasses indoors, you get to give.

[Rufus Rice]

Out 10 lashes to other people just.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Because you're guilty of this crime. Shadowboxing at the gym, it's okay as.

[Rufus Rice]

Long as you don't make the noise.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. What is? I've never heard someone shadow box and.

[Rufus Rice]

They didn't do Biggest ick in the world. I saw this girl in the gym just kickboxing. She was kicking the shit out of this bag. Like, Allan's is just, like, calm. I'm trying to run on the treadmill here. She's like, oh, she was getting it out.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. It's not as if the fucking punching bag is gonna hit back.

[Rufus Rice]

No.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You never know, though, being a moderator on Twitch or Reddit, I think that's.

[Rufus Rice]

Punishment enough in itself. I think the loneliness. You don't need lashes. You've got load.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, they have enough against them.

[Rufus Rice]

Yep.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Recording yourself running.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, death.

[Aiden Rafferty]

The death penalty.

[Rufus Rice]

Death by lashes. So as many as it takes.

[Aiden Rafferty]

How many lashes is it gonna take us to fucking execute? Proddy Siege, you reckon?

[Rufus Rice]

I don't know.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You take a few hundred.

[Rufus Rice]

Anyway, we got belts on us.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, we'll test that out.

[Rufus Rice]

He's in the studios around playing TikToks.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Out loud on the train.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, a guy did that today.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Sat next to me, but he had Tourette's, so I felt kind of bad.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Irrelevant.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. It's not really relevant. Yeah. But I don't know, I feel like he didn't have great sort of fine motor skills.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Turn it down. But it was pissing me off, I'll be honest. This guy was doing it on the tube. How do you even get any signal? That's actually impressive how he managed to figure that out.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Oh, my. Overgrown. The day there was two women sat, like, opposite me.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Both having the loudest conversations on their phone. And then after one of them hung up, she went and sat beside her and started talking to her. So they were together, but just sat at opposite sides of the carriage shouting down their phone to other people, which is antisocial and fucking cheeky.

[Rufus Rice]

I feel like it's going to be a bit racial if I give out any punishment, so I'm going to err on the side of caution and only give them five.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Right, okay. Yeah. Smart move paying for your TV license.

[Rufus Rice]

Get your parents to do it.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Next one, the last one is asking a woman where your hug's at.

[Rufus Rice]

I think the. Like, you have to give them enough so they don't enjoy it anymore.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

So it's got to be 25. And that's the lash game.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Brilliant. Right, let's move on now. And a Colombian man has been caught trying to smuggle 220 grams of cocaine into the Netherlands under a wig as part of a crime scheme that experts have described as hair raising.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Nice one.

[Rufus Rice]

The harebrained effort was thwarted by police at Rafael Nunes International Airport. I don't know why they name airports after Wolves players, but there we go.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Was there a foot? Was there a footballer? Called him.

[Rufus Rice]

I don't know. It sounds like.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It does sound like a Portuguese Wolves player.

[Rufus Rice]

So police footage shows the wig being cut off the man's head to reveal 19 capsules of cocaine together, worth £8,000 on the streets of Oxford.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Fuck me.

[Rufus Rice]

Eight grand in a wig.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

I don't know how they get that, though. Well, they scanned him and then they were like, there's a load of shit in there.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I would say chances are the wig looked that unconvincing that they were just able to tell a mile away.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, well, that's what. That's what you get for doing frosted tips on a Colombian man. But, yeah, let's have a watch of him chopping that stuff off?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Radio Rufus will return after these advertiser messages.

[Marc Maron]

Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void? Well, with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers. You can even target buyers by job title, industry, company seniority, skills. Wait, did I say job title yet? Get started today and see how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads. We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started at LinkedIn.com results. Terms and conditions apply.

[Unknown]

Hey, it's Marc Maron from WTF here to let you know that this podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. And I'm sure the reason you're listening to this podcast right now is because you chose it well. Choose progressives. Name your price tool and you could find insurance options that fit your budget. So you can pick the best one for your situation. Who doesn't like choice? Try [e-mail] and now some legal info. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

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[Rufus Rice]

We now return to Radio Rufus.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Do you reckon they take advantage of bald men with this trade off? Like you do a bit of smuggling for us, we give you hair.

[Rufus Rice]

Well, Pitbull's on a world tour. That's all I'm gonna say.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, at least now we know if Theo Baker cancels on us next week, we know why. Doing a bit of smuggling for Colombia.

[Rufus Rice]

Little trip to Bogota. Yeah, that's why he's been going to Turkey all those times he's coming back smuggling drugs in. Oh, look, there we go. I'm always worried that they're going to chop his head off somehow when they get the scissors that close, there's going.

[Aiden Rafferty]

To be a bit of brain somewhere. Yeah, I don't know, it doesn't look unconvincing that.

[Rufus Rice]

No, it's actually a pretty good wig.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I have to say, the coke looks less convincing.

[Rufus Rice]

It doesn't even look like coke. No, it looks like he smuggled in 18 of those small candles that women love. Yeah, but maybe that's what it looks.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Like 18 of those fucking shit bars of soap they give you in hotels.

[Rufus Rice]

Yes. And they're tiny and round and they. Yeah, you can. They disintegrate in about two minutes.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, everyone's mum does that in hotels that they smuggle fucking everything out of it. All the small shampoo bottles and they just sat on their unit and they get in the bathroom for 10 years.

[Rufus Rice]

That's so true. I've never understood people stealing stuff from hotels. Like, why would you want three capsules of Long Life milk and two of the worst biscuits you've ever had? Why would you want that?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Two fucking steel biscuits.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. It's the hardest biscuit.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. And seven milliliters of Champions shampoo. What the fuck's that gonna wash?

[Rufus Rice]

Enough shampoo to wash a pube.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Literally, it would have that single pube shining. But you're not washing anything else.

[Rufus Rice]

Always gonna burst in your luggage on the way home.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

There's no way. Why do you steal from hotels?

[Aiden Rafferty]

I don't get it. It's so fucking weird.

[Rufus Rice]

It's funny when you do, when you, like, rent an Airbnb, you leave it pristine.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Like, I left this in better condition than I found it. But hotels? Fuck that. I'll nick the TV if I have to.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. The past two. Airbnb. Airbnb. I've stayed in the past one there in Edinburgh. I ripped half the wallpaper off the one before that. I puked all over the floor. But somehow I haven't been banned from the website yet and haven't even had like a bad. I was thinking I was getting a message or a complaint about it or a fine. But, yeah, they haven't noticed.

[Rufus Rice]

I once had a romantic weekend getaway.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

For my birthday.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I really enjoyed it, by the way.

[Rufus Rice]

You're welcome. I requested that cock chair specifically. And I preempted it, yeah, by actually going out buying new bed sheets and putting them on because I knew they were going to be problems. So thank you to that old white man and Asian lady who rented us that Airbnb. That was fantastic. We had a great weekend. Anyway, I actually have a cocaine story of myself.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

When I got offered it in Lisbon by a Colombian guy, right, he comes up to me in a bar and I did not think anything of this. And he was like, hola, hombre. I was like, how's it going, man? You watching the football? The Champions League was on.

[Aiden Rafferty]

And the AFC Champions League.

[Rufus Rice]

No, the real. The real Champions League, it was Leverkusen. We're playing against Last minute winner. They Were playing against Karabag fc, right? Yeah. And he was like, hola, Homble. I was like, how's it going, mate? You all right? And he goes, how you doing? You're here in Lisbon? Yeah. I was like, yeah, of course I'm hearing. What the fuck do you mean, we're both in Lisbon? He said, I'm from Colombia, bro. I was like, But I just thought like, oh, he's a nice guy from Colombia. Oh, cool. How you doing? He's like. I was like, why are you here? And he's like, I'm doing business, bro. I was like, okay, right, well, this guy's got a work ethic. Seems like an upstanding gentleman. He's got a nice jacket on.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

International businessman. I respect that. And then he's like. I was like, well, what business are you in? He's like, a coker. And he did say it like that sound hot chocolate.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That's fucking mental. Fair play. Then the coca.

[Rufus Rice]

I was like, oh, shit, you work for Cadbury. It's nice. He was like, oh, the cocaina.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Did he really say it like, cocaina?

[Rufus Rice]

No, I promise you, at his class.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It was like, you live one of my dreams there.

[Rufus Rice]

He's like, you want some? You want. You want some business? Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

The cocaine, did he at any point refer to it as, like, the purist or the pure pure or anything like that?

[Rufus Rice]

Only cocaina? Yeah. That's a little bit like when Americans come over here and they start, like, using the words wrong to Marcos? No, just out of ignorance.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Right.

[Rufus Rice]

Like, it feels a bit cheeky to this guy who's clearly built his life.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Around the stuff to, like, Jimin Cookien.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah. Little cocaine. He said, you want some, huh? You want some business? You want some action? I don't know why he went a bit Chinese there at the end. You want some cocaine? And I was, oh, no, I'm all good. And then he fucked off into the night.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I was imagining that he was just going to start getting really aggressive for no reason after you turned it down.

[Rufus Rice]

No, I suspect he's got. He's got packet to move.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Let's be real.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You can't waste any time.

[Rufus Rice]

But as soon as that happens, like, I'm like, well, this guy's definitely got a gun on him. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're definitely not gonna try and bargain with the price either.

[Rufus Rice]

I didn't want to get shot at half term. That was one of the worst times. I'm there having a nice Time. Yeah, It's a tasty 17 degrees in Lisbon. I'm having plenty of calamari, naparel spritz I don't need.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, you'd have to be flew home in a fucking box.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

No, that's not what you want.

[Rufus Rice]

No.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I do think though that it always seems to be. I got the same whenever I was in Amsterdam.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

And I don't know how they pick their clients, but it just seemed that every drug dealer on that strip pinpointed me. So I don't know whether I looked like a fucking avid baghead.

[Rufus Rice]

No, I think you look like an op. Yeah, I think it was a sting operation.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Right, okay.

[Rufus Rice]

Undercover policeman trying to catch you.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, that's a fair point, actually.

[Rufus Rice]

Did you eat the banana out the stripper's vagina? Off topic question. I didn't know that is an option. You can do that in Amsterdam.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I had some nice crepes.

[Rufus Rice]

That's the best, banana.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Crepes. But they weren't out of any vaginas, just out of a bull.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, that's a shame. Anyway, Police Commander Galva Yasid Pena Arak said so far this year more than 450 people have been arrested for drug trafficking. It's only March 7th.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Fuck me.

[Rufus Rice]

So that's a lot.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Good numbers.

[Rufus Rice]

So just for a quick update, there's also been 58 mass shootings in America so far, which is only 0.89 per day.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

So almost less than 1. So that's sort of good going.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Impressive.

[Rufus Rice]

Right, let's move on to our sports segment. Now, it's a very football themed episode and a football match in Germany had to be called off after the referee had his testicle bitten by a child.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Such a mental headline.

[Rufus Rice]

A lower tier German football clash between FC Taxi II and Rot Weiss Mulheim iii, which I went to. I went to uni with that guy Rob Weisselheim. It's a good bloke actually. He's seen him down the pub. It ended in painful circumstances with referee Stefan Carla abandoning the match before even blowing the whistle. So apparently he was checking the ID of the players before the game. So this can't be that high level.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Football if checking the id.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What the fuck's that?

[Rufus Rice]

Such a German approach to football. Nine. Nine. You cannot play football verboten. No.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

ID check, please.

[Aiden Rafferty]

They were checking for a few stars of David come through.

[Rufus Rice]

And so as he did the pre match checks, a child of one of the players ran up to him and bit him straight in the testicle.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I don't think people will appreciate how accurate you have to be to pinpoint the testicle.

[Rufus Rice]

Impressive aim. He's like the Turkish guy from the Olympics. This guy. This guy. This child.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

How. I don't even think that's really possible to actually get your teeth. Yeah. Your gnash is probably sinking into the meat of the testicle like that.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That would do some serious damage, though.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, I guess so. But, like, you would need the child.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You would need the ball and a fucking vice to be able to pinpoint that. The fact that he's been able. That's the precision of a fucking lion.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, Right. It's like the Hadron collider needs to exactly line up.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, yeah. But it would do.

[Rufus Rice]

Especially unless, I guess, a child is perfect testicle height.

[Aiden Rafferty]

They are.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah. Which the priests figured that out.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Probably a statement that you shouldn't be repeating too often.

[Rufus Rice]

No, but, like, most children come up to my balls. Not like.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Do they have any say in this.

[Rufus Rice]

Also? How much is that actually gonna hurt, do you think?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Absolute agony if they properly sink their teeth in.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, but it's a child. It's not like a lion.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Have you ever been bit by a child?

[Rufus Rice]

No.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It fucking hurts.

[Rufus Rice]

When did you get bit?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Two younger brothers. Well, I have four younger brothers, but two that were.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, I've got a younger sister, but there was no biting.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Maybe not in your house, but people came to fucking bite in my house.

[Rufus Rice]

Right. That was a cage match, no rules. Me and my sister. Classic boxing.

[Aiden Rafferty]

No fighting is gentleman sport.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. No Mike Tyson actions going on there. Just dust each other off the regular way.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What was your record?

[Rufus Rice]

I had to lose.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You had to lose?

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. I think it's a bad look if you knock your own sister out.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Just hit her where she doesn't bruise or were you actually going for it?

[Rufus Rice]

No, I don't fight my sister. Let's be real. I'm not. I'm not gonna publicly come out and say that I used to beat up my own sister.

[Aiden Rafferty]

If you were.

[Rufus Rice]

If anything, I was the one getting. Physically.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I was about to say, yeah, I.

[Rufus Rice]

Was getting smacked, mate. I would imagine scratches back in the day, painful stuff.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, well, your scratch was our bite, right? Yeah, yeah. But also, it's like, I feel like in that situation, the referee, even after getting bit in the testicle, if he reacts at all, he's the bad guy. But I am punting that child to the fucking stars if he comes anywhere near my ball bag.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, do you think it's like it's okay to sort of. I get a big sort of clearance of him.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Get your fucking toe under that thing.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. If in doubt. If in doubt, kick it out. Yeah, yeah. Straight into Rose Ed with the child.

[Aiden Rafferty]

There's at least a knee in the head or something because he's not getting away with that.

[Rufus Rice]

Do you think. Wait, so you think, like, are you allowed to do it before if the child is about to bite your balls, or do you have to do it after because it's a really bad look if you just sort of kick a.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Child in the head for no reason.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. If you just sort of jump to conclusions and then need a child.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Maybe he was coming for a hug or something, I suppose.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. And you just body slammed him.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That's the chance you're gonna have to take, I suppose.

[Rufus Rice]

I guess so, yeah. Is it? Maybe. This is the first case in podcast history of accidental pedophile.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What?

[Rufus Rice]

Well, Childs wrapped his lips around his bollock.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Oh, right, okay. Accident. Do you mean like reverse pedophile?

[Rufus Rice]

No, well, no, he's a normal pedophile. That referee is a normal pedophile. But it's accidental.

[Aiden Rafferty]

But he.

[Rufus Rice]

I think maybe accidental pedophile.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Do you reckon he's maybe making a big song and dance about it to disguise the fact that he actually really liked us?

[Rufus Rice]

Did it? Pedophile.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It could be deliberate.

[Rufus Rice]

Referees a pedophile. Children bite his testies.

[Aiden Rafferty]

He's a stealthy pedophile.

[Rufus Rice]

Okay, right, yeah. He's a tactical pedophile. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Aiden Rafferty]

He's a nonce in a ghillie suit.

[Rufus Rice]

That was my Halloween costume.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What does that look like?

[Rufus Rice]

I dressed up as a nonce, but I hid in the bushes instead of going to the party.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It's nice to see that you wore the outfit again today. Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stealth pedophile.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Stealthy pedophile.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. I'm like. I'm like a normal pedophile, but I cover myself in glue and leaves and I lie down in the park.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Can you just imagine that? To Catch a Predator shoe. But there's someone sitting, eating the pizza in a full fucking bush.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Wearing the fucking fortnite hedge.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. I'm inside a bin and I pick it up and I move. Then I put it down again. Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What do you call the fucker that delays Nashu? Chris something. Chris Hansen.

[Rufus Rice]

Chris Hansen. Yeah. But he won't catch me because I'm so stealthy. I'm so hidden away.

[Aiden Rafferty]

The camera crew's like, he's just Recording Chris talking to a tree.

[Rufus Rice]

Every time he looks at the producer, I just run between the trees. You can see me dancing in the background. Yeah, right. So in the refereeing report, Kayla said while I was checking the FC taxi players. A terrible name for a football club.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Rank by the way.

[Rufus Rice]

Nice taxi range.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I didn't mean that.

[Rufus Rice]

That's good stuff. A small child was doing warm up exercises alongside the players. He came closer and closer to me and then suddenly, to my complete surprise. Doubt that.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

He gave me a sharp bite in my left testicle. I still don't think you need to call off the game, especially at that level.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Like get one of the players to ref it. That's what we had to do.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

The. A player from each team would do a half each.

[Rufus Rice]

Mate. We had a conscientious teacher because usually you get a teacher to ref it his games against other schools. Yeah, but this guy was like, he was a God fearing Christian so he was like actually fair. Yeah, that's it. Instead of just obviously biased towards our team. Bloody unacceptable.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I was the most biased linesman of all time.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I was like 13, 14. Doing it for like my dar. My uncle's team.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I remember one time one of our players.

[Rufus Rice]

It does really, I think it does really help you given that you need a lift home from members of one team. Yeah, true.

[Aiden Rafferty]

But one of our players was going down the sideline and it couldn't have been more obvious. There wasn't even a player near him but he just booted it out for a throw in and I just put the flag up the other way and I got, I got my life threatened by something like middle aged man.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Over this throw and go.

[Rufus Rice]

Right, let's move on to our audience interaction segment. Now this is questionable and the question we asked you this week was what is the weirdest thing that you or a friend have done that you thought was normal or they thought was normal? First1 Wear AirPods in the shower, which is pretty pedo if you ask me.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That's fucking strange.

[Rufus Rice]

And I need to. I've got a story about this. There's this guy, I never met him and he didn't go to my school. And what he used to do was he was one of the first guys. Rich kid, you know, he was one of those guys that got the first waterproof iPhone. Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

One of those pricks.

[Rufus Rice]

And what he used to do is send like shower videos on a mass text to girls from like loads and loads of schools. I found this out by this girl showing Me? Yeah, this thing. But it was him lip syncing to, like, 2016 Justin Bieber with. He got the V out. You know, the V in the body. Yeah, yeah, he had a proper V.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Do you mean the ship or like he shaved a V in the cubes.

[Rufus Rice]

No, he didn't have like an avatar airbender arrow in his pubes. Yeah, I doubt he really had pubes.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Back in that scene.

[Rufus Rice]

No, he didn't have like, go faster stripes or whatever.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Was he showing shaft?

[Rufus Rice]

He was showing bass.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Right, okay. That's actually a good move because it leaves it up to the imagination a bit.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Get your bass out. Get your bass out of the lad. But, like, he would. And he would mass send these to girls. Just wasn't like, just for one person.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

But the thing is, is because teenage girls are really stupid. They'd be like, oh, my God. He's saying, like, it worked is what I'm trying. Yeah, that was a. That was a beast mode move from you.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I'm gonna connect with them in LinkedIn after.

[Rufus Rice]

I think, oh, we'll find him. He's out there somewhere. Next one. He watches Naked Attraction, but for each section of the program, he takes his clothes off too.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That's kind of funny.

[Rufus Rice]

I read that and I was like, I want to try that just to see how it feels.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Like, does it feel like you're getting judged as well?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Like it makes you feel vulnerable almost?

[Rufus Rice]

I like on Naked Attraction, when they try everything to not mention that somebody's fat or got a tiny cock.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Or really hairy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They dance around it, honestly.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Ever see the fucking horn bitch presenter whenever someone's got a bit of length to them.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, really?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, she's like fucking. She's not. She's not saying it, but she's saying it with her eyes, Right. She is fucking glued to that.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. She's like.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What do you call her again? Claudia Winkleman.

[Rufus Rice]

Does Winkleman present it?

[Aiden Rafferty]

I don't know. Although Davina McCall and Claudia Winkelman. The same person, I think.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Oh, it's neither. It's Anna Richardson.

[Rufus Rice]

Next one. My mate wipes his ass standing up. I did this for at least 15 years, so I discovered wiping your ass sitting down independently. Like, nobody told me you had to do it that way.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Ever. And I stood up for years.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. For the longest time, that's what I had on. I'm only like a sitting down wiper for about three years.

[Rufus Rice]

I thought you were gonna really make fun of me.

[Aiden Rafferty]

No, no, no.

[Rufus Rice]

But you're even worse. You're the weirdo, you're the freak.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I just always felt like.

[Rufus Rice]

How old are you? 25.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. So it's a recent habit of developed.

[Rufus Rice]

You were 22 when you started.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I was like, your age. Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Because I did it until I was like, 13. I thought that was weird.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I think I alternated. I went through different, like, shit and eras.

[Rufus Rice]

But people always said to me when I revealed this, but you can't get in the angles when you stand up. You absolutely can.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, you can.

[Rufus Rice]

100% you can. You're doing it wrong.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Especially if you're in, like. If you're in public and the toilet's, like, small, it's hard to fucking fit in underneath. And it's just a bit of a faff.

[Rufus Rice]

The weirdness about getting your arm in the toilet as well. Yeah, Like, I've got to do that.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I felt cleaner for me to stand up and sort of just angle myself.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. No, I agree.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

I didn't. I think we were going to agree on this. I think really happy that you're on my team.

[Aiden Rafferty]

We should bring back shitting standing up. No, no wiping standing up.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if you do the trigonometry correctly, you know.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. It makes.

[Rufus Rice]

There's a little bit of Pythagoras involved, but you can get those angles in.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Even to this day. I will always do a couple of, like, safety wipes standing up at the end.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

So I haven't completely kicked the hobbit, but sit down.

[Rufus Rice]

We. Big fan of that.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Sometimes you just need the relay, especially in the night.

[Rufus Rice]

Comfortable one.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Have you ever had a wank in the toilet?

[Rufus Rice]

It's not my. Not my go to.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

But probably. Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. I used to be popular in school. People are just going have a wank in the cubicle.

[Rufus Rice]

Where else are you gonna go? I guess.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, I suppose.

[Rufus Rice]

Problem in our school is, of course, is the last two cubicles in the men's bathroom don't get any wi fi. So you have enough. Not that I would know. Yeah, yeah. Next one. Sun safety is a big deal in Australia because of their famous lack of ozone layer.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

So my mate used to put sun cream in his hair because he didn't, quote, didn't want to get cancer on the top of his head.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Does that mean that if I start putting sun cream and my pubes, I'm not gonna get testicular cancer?

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, that's how it works. Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Okay, good to hear.

[Rufus Rice]

I've been sticking it up my ass. I haven't had prostate cancer yet.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Speaking of which, I was telling you on the phone that I got fingered for the first time.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

So I had to go in for medical purposes. Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Okay.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

It wasn't like a Friday night.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It was. I was about to say it wasn't an enjoyable experience, but, no, it genuinely did just hurt.

[Rufus Rice]

Okay.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. I was thinking, people, well, you've got.

[Rufus Rice]

To open your mind and your ass.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Next time I was thinking, like, obviously there's no kind of warming up or anything. I thought, it's going to be slow, it's going to be.

[Rufus Rice]

Well, I had this as part of medical procedure once. Yeah. But I had a warm up. Not. Not in a weird way. Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What do you like?

[Rufus Rice]

As in, they told me what was gonna happen and then they were like, so make sure you're ready for that. That was the warm up.

[Aiden Rafferty]

He wasn't like kissing around your rim or anything, just loosening you? No.

[Rufus Rice]

It wasn't foreplay. No.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I was literally just had the jeans down and within a second it was fucking hurt. This man had the. The longest finger in the game as well. It was so sore. I was walking around fucking Leicester Square for, like an arm.

[Rufus Rice]

Is it like getting fingered by Jack Skellington?

[Aiden Rafferty]

He could have used me as a puppet.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It was that deep.

[Rufus Rice]

Right.

[Aiden Rafferty]

But I was thinking, like, I just felt. It genuinely felt so loose after. Like, I felt like I was getting fucking destroyed.

[Rufus Rice]

See this, I had this once, but I had a woman.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Which was a bonus, I think, because also it's not gay. Which, like, whatever. But she was. She did it in a caring way. As caring as a prostate exam can be.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

In fairness to that doctor, I think of all people, he would have wanted to see come in through those doors for a prostate examination. It wasn't me who he would have preferred. So I think he just wanted to get in and out as soon as possible.

[Rufus Rice]

Right.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. He wasn't taking his time to use that phrase. Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Nobody dreams of being a proctologist. We've been over this. But no child wants to be a bum doctor.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Especially whenever you see me bowling through.

[Rufus Rice]

The doors, you end up a bum doctor.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

They're always miserable.

[Aiden Rafferty]

He was actually.

[Rufus Rice]

I had a bum nurse.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Right.

[Rufus Rice]

And I think a lot of people would like to be a bum nurse.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It sounds better, too.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I think he was pretty happy. Go lucky before the appointment.

[Rufus Rice]

Right.

[Aiden Rafferty]

And then I think after what he's seen and had to do, he kind of just Ruined his mood a bit.

[Rufus Rice]

Next one. My friend thought that the toilet seat was for women and men sit on the ring.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That's something that.

[Rufus Rice]

I sort of get it.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. I can see the logic behind it. But it's.

[Rufus Rice]

It's like when you're a kid and you think that cats are women dogs. Yeah, that totally makes sense. Because as we know, all cats are women.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

And all dogs are men.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

I've never seen a dog without a penis.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Good point. Even though I had female dogs, they had a penis. There was a cock somewhere.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

We read Rocket hiding behind the fluff.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. I've always wondered this. I've never seen a bird with a penis. Yeah, they. I mean, they must have them, because that's how science works.

[Aiden Rafferty]

They've got them somewhere.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. And I. We asked. I remember going to a conservatory, you know, an avian conservatory, and someone asked, like, where's the bird? And even that guy didn't really seem to know.

[Aiden Rafferty]

What about, like, insects and worms and stuff? Like, how the fuck.

[Rufus Rice]

Obviously, it's gonna be tiny, but, like, there are some big birds out there, but no penis. Are always smooth down there.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Like, surely a falcon's got a fucking Hummer. Yeah, but you've never seen it.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah, but it's mythical as far as I'm concerned. It's like the chode. It just. It only exists in the mind of the people who dare to dream.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I think that could be one of Attenborough's last documentaries before he kicks a bucket.

[Rufus Rice]

Just about bird cocks finding the chode. Yeah. Chode to Joy by David Attom.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Chode to Glory.

[Rufus Rice]

Chode to Glory. That's really good. Yeah. Yeah. A Chode to Istanbul by me, David Attenborough. Next one, my friend puts jam on his Weetabix. Genius.

[Aiden Rafferty]

With the milk and all.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, but that's a great idea, isn't it?

[Aiden Rafferty]

I don't know, it's. I love jam, but I just never considered it. With Weedabix 3, it would be all.

[Rufus Rice]

So this guy's a pioneer. He could be inventor. This guy's like the Da Vinci of breakfast.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You can get, like, flavored Weetabix, can't you? Like strawberry and raspberry.

[Rufus Rice]

It's like those condoms. Like, you can get the flavored ones, but why?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, I just never.

[Rufus Rice]

Just get the normal one.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. I don't really like the taste of them.

[Rufus Rice]

No. I'm a slut for Weetabix. Weetabix. Crispy Minis. Chocolate chip variant. Yeah, Those.

[Aiden Rafferty]

The Chocolate chip weed of extra bag in my house.

[Rufus Rice]

30 absolutely filthy.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Weetos was the fucking number one, though.

[Rufus Rice]

I think we tos a lot of people don't know about Weitos. I feel like they're an underground cereal.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Do you think so?

[Rufus Rice]

But I'm a. I was a big. I just prefer the brown ring to the. To the ordinary ring.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Like, they're more Cheerios. I'm taking the brown ring every time.

[Aiden Rafferty]

100%. Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

We're brown ring boys.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Always been, always will be.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, we stand with the brown ring. Okay, next one. My mate used to dry his laundry in the cupboard. He said it's got to dry somewhere, so it might as well be there. He now he had a serious mold infestation.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Oh, yeah. It doesn't surprise me.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Grid one. My mate rinses his cereal with milk by pouring it through a sieve and then doesn't eat the milk. He says he doesn't like milk.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Then why. Why bother with milk at all?

[Rufus Rice]

Well, just to hydrate it. But then he. I do this. I don't do that thing with the sieve. But like, every spoonful of cereal I've ever. I've ever had, I drain the milk out of it.

[Aiden Rafferty]

All of it.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That's strange. And I think you're in a vocal minority.

[Rufus Rice]

Me and my dad are the only two people I know who do that.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That's.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, some people even drink the milk.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I do. You telling me there's a bowl of fucking chocolatey goodness?

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Whenever the widows have been finished. You're not gonna drink that chocolate milk?

[Rufus Rice]

God, no.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That's delicious. It's the best part.

[Rufus Rice]

I'm trying to get through the crunchy ones.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I get a fucking straw if I need to.

[Rufus Rice]

Next one. I think you have answered your own prompt here.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

We used to drive around wealthy suburbs in town and throw balloons filled with our own piss as cyclists. Now, as a cyclist and a wealthy person. Well, as a cyclist, who you would probably be in those areas. Is it harmless fun? It is until you got a face full of piers, I think.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

They said we didn't realize this was a crime. We just thought it was banter.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I wonder what the. The furthest someone's went without logic.

[Rufus Rice]

Hmm. Good old fun. How are you? How are you expect? How do you get the piss in the balloon?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Just piss directly into it.

[Rufus Rice]

Funnel, I guess. Or wait, do you wrap your tip around the bell end? Wrap.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Maybe get someone to hold it open for you.

[Rufus Rice]

Oh, great balloon.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That is brilliant.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah. The yellow barrel next One my mate Paul lives in his parents attic. One day we were playing COD in there when one of the lads starts poking around his computer desk. Paul freaked out and jumped up and tried to distract him from opening a drawer. We all wonder what could be in it. Imagine what you're thinking. What are you thinking of? Dildo. Dildo? Yeah, it's. It's actually worse. It's where he used to put his dirty dishes for his mum to collect them when he finished eating. He was 25 years old.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Fucking hell.

[Rufus Rice]

Why you put them in a drawer?

[Aiden Rafferty]

The fact it like he knows it's bad as well because he's shim ashamed.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah. Why not? Why not? Firstly just put them downstairs and do them yourself like a normal adult. Yeah, or just. Or just leave them out.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, set them aside.

[Rufus Rice]

How is that gonna help putting them in a drawer?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Oh, that was rank.

[Rufus Rice]

Next one. Me and my mate used to clip each other's toenails because it's easier that way.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That might be the gayest thing I've ever heard.

[Rufus Rice]

Why is it so gay? That's gayer than gay sex.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I was about to say that.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did this for years, but they thought it was normal.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Is it women? Because. No, no, no, that might be hot. But men definitely.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah, it was men. Yeah. Then the last one, my mate eats his foot blister skin. He says it makes him stronger, it charges him up, it gives him powers, it fills his battery, so to speak.

[Aiden Rafferty]

The reasoning is great, but fuck me, that is disgusting.

[Rufus Rice]

Right, we just got one more segment then. It's the game segment. Gamy Schumer coming at you now. And this is a game I've created for you, Aiden.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Huh?

[Rufus Rice]

This game is called Famous or anus? It's basically what would you rather have? But all the things rhyme, okay? And they don't necessarily make sense as options. But you do have to pick what.

[Aiden Rafferty]

You would rather have with or without explanation.

[Rufus Rice]

Up to you.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Okay? Okay.

[Rufus Rice]

Okay. Round one. Famous or anus?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Anus.

[Rufus Rice]

You'd rather have an anus than have fame?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

It is an essential. Okay, next one. Shortdog or warthog?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Shortdog. Yeah, yeah. Wait, like the kill streak. The warthog. Can I have that?

[Rufus Rice]

I don't know what that is.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It's like a kill streak and Modern Warfare.

[Rufus Rice]

I mean, you know the little mofo from the Lion King, that kind of warthog.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I'm taking the kill streak. Warthog.

[Rufus Rice]

Okay, next one. Sunflower or Bum Shower?

[Aiden Rafferty]

I'm a big fan of the bum Shower.

[Rufus Rice]

Okay, Great, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wage gap or beige cap?

[Aiden Rafferty]

What the fuck? I'm gonna go beige cap.

[Rufus Rice]

Okay. Nice. Naturals. Yeah, yeah. Naturals or mackerels?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Naturals.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Nice. Sloppy brisket or soggy biscuit?

[Aiden Rafferty]

I've never had a brisket, but I've also never had.

[Rufus Rice]

You would love a Texas barbecue.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah, I've never had a soggy biscuit either.

[Rufus Rice]

So this is a no. Yeah, yeah.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I'm gonna go sloppy brisket.

[Rufus Rice]

Venturing into the unknown. Next. Last one. Gordon Ramsay or saw Chimpanzee.

[Aiden Rafferty]

So fucking dumb. I'm gonna. I'm gonna go for Gordon Ramsay for this one.

[Rufus Rice]

Yeah. Why do you think that chimpanzee is so sore?

[Aiden Rafferty]

I think Gordon might have something to do with this.

[Rufus Rice]

Tried to eat it. And that bombshell Top Gear outro. It's now time to end the show. Thank you so much for listening to radio Rufus. Don't forget to subscribe to the YouTube channel and subscribe to the Aidan Rafferty TikTok page for some surprisingly heartfelt content. I saw your thank you messages for a year. That, you know, that brought a tear to my cold, dead eyes.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I thought you were about to say to your cockpit.

[Rufus Rice]

No, no.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Did it bring anything to your cock?

[Rufus Rice]

What do you want me to say?

[Aiden Rafferty]

I don't know.

[Rufus Rice]

Do you want me to get excited about that sort of thing?

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

Well, it was a nice message.

[Aiden Rafferty]

I wouldn't be against it.

[Rufus Rice]

Nice guy.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah.

[Rufus Rice]

But we'll be back again next week. As always, the schedule literally never ends. There are three certainties in life, death. If you put a shark on something, it's pretty cool. And we'll be back next week.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Yeah. Till our death.

[Rufus Rice]

Till our death. We signed a contract with not only the fellow studios, but also Satan himself. We had to extract blood from each other's palms and sign a sort of blood brothers, Shaolin Monk kind of deal. And then we chopped a watermelon on each other's stomachs and karate chopped each other in the solar plexus.

[Aiden Rafferty]

That was class. I enjoyed that.

[Rufus Rice]

But it was a good weekend. But hopefully we do something else for the next stag do and we'll see you again next week. A guy got pissed off at me for saying, back to you in your house. He says that's a shit ending. He says we should say back to you from the studio. Which does make a lot of sense. Yeah, but fuck that.

[Aiden Rafferty]

It's not the catch for us.

[Rufus Rice]

Fuck him. Back to you and your house.

[Marc Maron]

Strap in. You're in the race with F1TV Premium see what the race director sees with custom multi view. Watch every jaw dropping moment in Live 4K UHD across up to 6 screens. Uninterrupted experience. Ultimate live immersion with F1TV Premium available on selected devices.

[Unknown]

Hey, it's Mark Maron from WTF here to let you know that this podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. And I'm sure the reason you're listening to this podcast right now is because you chose it well. Choose Progressive's name your price tool and you could find insurance options that fit your budget so you can pick the best one for your situation. Who doesn't like choice? Try [e-mail] and now some legal info. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

[Aiden Rafferty]

ACAST powers the World's Best Podcasts Here's a show that we recommend.

[Rufus Rice]

Forever 35 is a running conversation between two good friends, me, Dory Shafrier and me, Elise Hu.

[Marc Maron]

In this wild time to be alive. We're a show about the many ways.

[Rufus Rice]

We take care of ourselves. Sometimes that might mean upgrading our skincare.

[Marc Maron]

Routines, or it might mean more rest or stretching.

[Rufus Rice]

We talk about all of it with.

[Marc Maron]

Each other and with our thoughtful and funny weekly guests.

[Rufus Rice]

Boundary making really is just a reflection of how you think about yourself.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Cream blush is the best thing you could do for your life.

[Rufus Rice]

How sway you need to build my this for me.

[Marc Maron]

All right, so we aren't actually 35.

[Rufus Rice]

Anymore, but we are still the show called Forever 35. Find us wherever you listen.

[Marc Maron]

New episodes drop Mondays and Wednesdays.

[Aiden Rafferty]

Acast helps creators launch, growing and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

[Rufus Rice]

Acast.com youm Made it to the end. Well done you. If you haven't already hit follow, why not tap that button right now for new episodes every Wednesday? And if you want more radio Rufus, catch us on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram @radiorufus FM. Let's get into it.