Podcast Host/Ad Reader (4:35)

And now for a quick break. This episode is sponsored in part by Better Health. Okay, I know February is full of flowers and candy and stuffed animals and lots of talk about relationships and dating and romance. And it's really happening no matter where you are, whether you're married or dating or divorced and starting fresh or just focusing on you. And anyway, it's one of those times of year that people get introspective and you are right on time. So, of course, therapy is a very helpful way to find your way and see more clearly and get support, which obviously is very important to me. It's hard to find a licensed therapist, and it's even harder to find one that has a time when you're available and they're available. So it's really wonderful to use Better Help to get a therapist to get all of the things that you're hoping to talk through. You can identify what's going on for you and get support with Better Help therapists. They work according to a strict code of conduct, they're fully licensed, and you get matched with a therapist. There are over 30,000 therapists. It's the largest online therapy platform. BetterHelp has served over 6 million people globally. So you can sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com humans that's better. H E L p.com humans so I want to tell you about peak because peak. Well, first of all, it's got great packaging and it's got high quality stuff, but they have a whole hydration protocol and I'm so excited about it because I it is just not. I am so dehydrated and I'm terrible about drinking water in case any of you have that suggestion for me. But they have a simple, powerful combination that delivers specific minerals and recovery compounds required to get you hydrated for the 24 hours of this sort of hydration protocol. So there's the BT fountain and it's your morning hydration reset and it's supposed to be really smoothing for your skin and support gentle energy. And then the re fountain is the nightly restoration ritual, which has my favorite thing for bedtime, which is advanced magnesium. Because magnesium, if you have not tried it for sleep, it is fantastic sleep. So redefine your standards of hydration, secure 20% off your order and begin your intentional journey to hydrate and feel great today at peak. Life.com humans that's 20% off at P I Q U E life.com humans which.

Dr. Laura Markham (7:39)

Brings me to my third recommendation for increasing listening and cooperation is that if there is a choice, and this is controversial, I think because of the gentle parenting movement or misunderstood idea that, you know, kids get to always have choices. But it's not really that kids always have choices. It's that when there is a choice, you want to provide it so that they learn both decision making for themselves so that they feel some agency. Because agency, particularly with kids who are a little bit more spirited, they want that feeling that they're making some decisions. And so you can give two choices. You can give two choices. When it comes to before, obviously you've cooked dinner, not after. Let's say you're giving the choice of do you want broccoli or string beans? So you have that choice. So why not help them feel like, okay, well, I had some say in what vegetables I'm eating? Or do you want to put your shoes on at the door or at the elevator if you live in an apartment building? Or do you want to clean your room before dinner or after dinner?

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (8:55)

That's totally fine.

Dr. Laura Markham (8:57)

You can also give a Freedoms list, which I highly recommend as you're trying to figure out, like what choices and freedoms does my child want? I wrote about much more extensively about the Freedoms list in my book the five Principles of parenting. No, this is not an ad, but I think it's helpful. Essentially, a freedoms list is, you know, you're getting stuck in tension between the desired freedom that your kids have and again, they could be young children or older children, and the parental control that you have. And when I say control, I'm not talking about, like, just control because you're the adult, but control because you're making decisions that involve safety and, you know, ethics and values. So problem solving with a freedoms list can be really helpful. And that gives your kids not just a choice in the moment, which I think is a very good temporary thing. When you give two choices, and I should have said not ten choices, not five choices, that's too hard. It's like looking at a menu with too many choices, just two choices. But a freedoms list is a good problem solver for kids who feel like there's too much demand on them and they don't have enough agency. It gives them kind of future hope. Like, when they show responsibility now, they're going to grow their freedoms. And so it helps you not only talk about the desired freedoms, but it also shows them that with consistent cooperation in certain areas, they're going to get more autonomy. And so this one's not overnight. It's just like a process. So first you let your child know that you've noticed that they have more wants than they're allowed, and so you can sit down and come up with some solutions. And then you come up with a list of their desired freedoms. So, like with young kids, you might have to make some suggestions. With older kids, they're definitely going to have suggestions of what they want. So a later bedtime, going to a certain party, getting somewhere by themselves, going to a friend's house, being able to make their own breakfast, you know, you'll come up with it again, age appropriately. Then you arrange the list in order of what's possible now followed what's possible as they get more responsible and as they're a little bit better at cooperating and showing you that they are able to make the kind of choices that grow their skills. And then you express total excitement for when they're going to get to that next step of freedom versus, like, wanting to control them. So, like, you want your kids to be more independent, you want to join them in imagining the fun that they'll have with their independence, because in that case, you're a collaborator, not a naysayer. And I don't always think parents need to be collaborators. I think that's, I mean, we're not working from a level playing field. We are the grown up. But in this case, you're collaborating on this freedoms list and hoping for them to get those freedoms because what it means is they're getting more and more responsible and so they can have more and more autonomy. And then you, you want to connect those freedoms to the readiness so you talk about the skills that they can build upon and the choices that they can make to support those additional freedoms, which again is going to help them as you're doing this day to day sort of attempts at getting better cooperation and listening. And everybody wants them to get to being on the same team of more freedom. And then lastly, this is a good just moment of reminder. Just like number one reflection is that it's not about a power struggle and it's not about control. It's about learning the skills needed to take on more responsibility. That's all it's about. But it gives just hope. Okay, and that all starts with what this whole point of this freedoms list was that the tiny version of that is giving two choices. Number four, if your child actually listens and they like you've asked something of them about doing the dishes, for example, setting the table, a lot of these things are based on, you know, to dos in the house that are helpful. You, you want to avoid correcting it and just notice that they did it. Even if it was a part of something. You want to notice and not fix. Because the minute you ask your child something, I said ask, but I had earlier said demand. But you know, politely demand, politely expect. If you're going to correct it, there's very little motivation for them to do it themselves. If you're correcting how they load the dishwasher or how they make their bed, essentially you're saying you don't do it as well as I do. This is just a task I give you for no real purpose, no real contribution to the household. I do it better. Instead, I want them to feel like, I know you're capable of doing this without me and it doesn't need to be perfect. And if you do need help, let me know. I'm here for it. You know, sometimes they do need a little extra hand, especially younger kids. But essentially they need to know you believe in them. This is by the way, the same with your partner. If you're correcting how they're doing the dishes, at some point they're just gonna be like, why don't you just do it? And that shows your kids, you know what? I don't need this to be done perfectly. And I don't need this to be done the way I would do it. I need this to be done the way you would do it because it's your task number five, which is sort of related to number four. Please don't make a demand or request that you actually do prefer to do yourself. Because what's going to happen is everybody around you knows that you do it better and you prefer to do it yourself. So there's no reason to go through those motions when actually you just are better at it. There's just no reason. So if you're going to be better at something and you're going to correct it, why in the world would anybody bother? So really, really ask yourself, do I want my child to do this because I actually think it would be a helpful contribution or do I just feel like I'm supposed to ask them to do the dishes, but I really like to do them in a particular way because it's annoying to tell someone that you need their help with something or you expect something of them and then just kind of do it yourself.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (16:00)

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Dr. Laura Markham (19:04)

Number six make your demands and requests developmentally appropriate. So don't actually ask of your kids more than they can handle. I mean yes, you can stretch them a little bit, but for example young kids, one direction at a time before you move to a two step direction. Older kids, even a high school student, the general clean your room can be a lot. Making your bed is super specific. You have to know your kids. Obviously some kids get more easily overwhelmed and some kids can handle a bigger picture direction and not the small. What are called kind of shaping steps. If you think of a pie, shaping would be pieces of the pie and when you put them all together, the entire expectation you have the whole cleaned room is done. But you need to break it up into small bits in order to get what you want from your child and in order for them to feel successful. Nobody is motivated. I mean a lot of this goes back to when you want your kids to cooperate. They need to feel like there is a chance that they're going to be successful, that it's going to be satisfying and that it's not going to be an enormous burden. One thing that helps with this practice are chores. And so if you're thinking developmentally appropriately right now I'm just going to remind you of kind of age appropriate developmentally appropriate tasks by age because again, this practice is helping your kids learn how to be helpful and thinking about it in ways that are developmentally appropriate. And by the way, you can, when you're doing something like this, when you think of chores, you can think of developmentally appropriate chores by kids ages and Then you can even have them fill out or you can fill out for them, depending on their age. Either popsicle sticks in a jar where each popsicle stick has the task written on it. So instead of telling them what chore to do, they're choosing, they just pull one popsicle stick out. Or you can write it on a piece of paper, fold the paper, put it in a jar, and then if they're young kids, then you would read the task. If they're older kids, they just know. After dinner, everybody in the house takes one task. And so age appropriate chores for toddlers, yes, even toddlers can learn how to be cooperative and helpful around the house. So most toddlers actually this is not a burden. Chore is probably the wrong word for at their jobs because they want not only to be helpful to you and please you, but they need some supervision or guidance. So great. So it's like a time, a source of connection, but you're also getting things done. Putting their toys away, putting their toys away by color. So it's just the blue toys today. Putting clothes in the laundry basket, separating clothes between whites and colors, sweeping an area with a little tiny dust pan, you can get, I mean, this might sound ridiculous, but they make amazing cleaning supplies. Like little smaller dust pans. Like for little tiny hands. You can get on Montessori websites. They have some for small hands. In fact, there's a website called For Small Hands. They have what's a section called Practical Life in Montessori. And it helps you do small tasks with for the smaller hands, whether it's cleaning, whether it's mini little dusters, whatever it is they can do. So little spray bottles to spray, you know, vinegar on a table and wipe the table can be super helpful. Chores for preschoolers can often be similar to toddlers, but they just need a little less supervision. They may be able to start making their own beds. They may be able to water the plants without putting too much water or too little water. They may be able to sort the laundry with a little and dust the furniture. The key here is these chores are not, they're, they're not just for fun. They're actually not only helping around the house, but you feel it and they feel that you feel it. And then chores for elementary school aged kids are things like packing their lunch. But the problem is this is when they start to maybe whine about the responsibilities. So they really need to be helpful and necessary and give them a sense of independent. So they kind of are like alongside those freedoms list, you can have the Expectations. Kids are pretty capable. Like school age kids between 6 and 10 years old, they can vacuum, they can rake leaves, they can sweep floors, they can have different areas of their room that they're in charge of organizing or cleaning. They can put away groceries, they can make grocery lists with you. Again, things that are helpful but doable. And then, you know, dishes. Key here is you do baby steps, you really help them feel good about it and you don't fix it. And chores for tweens and teens, they're so capable, they can help around the house. Whether it's laundry or dishes or taking out the garbage or babysitting or, you know, they're just so. There's so much that they can do. They're really capable kids. And so when you treat them like they're capable and again, like you don't want them doing chores just because you want them to learn responsibility, you actually want help around the house. Like, this actually puts everybody in a better mood. It's easier. And if you're not, like if you've never done this, start with play one song, one song that your kids get to choose that's like the song that they're going to play. And just during that song, they're going to be putting clothes away or dishes away. And then when it's over, they're done. So it's a fun song. Everyone's in a little bit of a better mood when there's good music. And that kind of is doable. It's just a doable task. You want all these tasks to be doable so that you're not, not just making this demand or request or having this expectation. But you don't, you don't want to be a nag. Number seven. Join your kids and make mistakes and show them that you've made a mistake. Make a mistake when you're doing tasks, when you're doing anything, make a mistake. Because a lot of the reason why we get kids who don't seem cooperative or don't want to do things that you've asked them to do is because they don't feel capable and they don't feel competent. And as we've talked about, being competent helps you feel more confident. So they need to know that we're.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (26:14)

All a work in progress.

Dr. Laura Markham (26:15)

We make mistakes. You know, carrying something is just a little heavier for us too. You can even kind of pretend with younger kids, like, oh, this is so heavy. And with older kids, like making a mistake, putting the fork in the wrong place, just doing something that is a mistake. And then forgiving yourself in front of them with these everyday tasks and expectations of yourself helps them know that when they do things that aren't perfect, your first go to isn't to say like, well, good try, but.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (26:48)

And now for a quick break.

Dr. Laura Markham (26:50)

I have been curious about bone broth.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (26:54)

For years because I know it's supposed to be so good for you. Having said that, I just did not know where to begin and I just didn't feel like it was the kind of thing I wanted to mess around with. So I was so excited when Brodo sent me every flavor of the bone broth that they have. And it's in packaging where you just twist off the top and heat it up and voila. So if you've ever tried bone broth and not like the taste or you've been curious about it, just forget everything you've known about bone broth. Brodo is awesome. And actually ever since I got it, I realized that so many people I.

Dr. Laura Markham (27:34)

Know think it's awesome.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (27:36)

So definitely think you should jump on this particular nutrition trend. Brodo makes bone broths that are delicious enough to drink. So I truly I just put it in a teacup and each cup delivers whole food protein, about 10 grams per serving. It comes in eight delicious flavors from my favorite classic chicken to more spicy ones and they have ginger, turmeric and herb infused. They also have a veggie based broth. So I highly recommend their sampler pack to just decide what you like first. Shop the best broth on the planet with brodo.

Dr. Laura Markham (28:11)

Head to brodo.com humans for 20% off.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (28:14)

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Dr. Laura Markham (28:30)

I love telling you about quint because.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (28:32)

I, I use quint for everything. Quince is all about elevated essentials that feel effortless.

Dr. Laura Markham (28:40)

They're designed for layering and mixing and.

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Dr. Laura Markham (29:51)

That's Q-U-I-N c e.com humans to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com humans so that brings me to number eight, praise your kids for what they're, you know, what you're noticing about how they're being so cooperative or they're doing a task that you've expected of them. But don't caboose it. So caboose ing it is. When you say you did that so well, like, thanks for putting the dishes away. I mean, it would be nice if you put water on the plates first so that there isn't food stuck on them. But thanks for putting them away. That's sort of like, well, they did something and here you are trying to say thank you for doing this, but you've now basically told them why they didn't do it good enough. So instead just say like, oh, that was so helpful that you put the dishes away. Thank you so much. I know you're busy tonight and then that's it. So even if they didn't do it the way you wanted them to, they did it. Savor that. Praise them for that, be specific about it and be grateful because that's what you're going for. Like, appreciate it. It makes your night easier. And don't go and fix it. Don't go wipe those dishes with the water. You know what if the dishwasher doesn't get all the food off and the next morning you're like, oh man, there's not, there's still like crust on there. Maybe they'll notice because they've opened the dishwasher and they'll learn from that mistake. Or maybe you'll fix it in the morning because nobody's the wiser. But praise without caboosing because let me tell you, when kids are doing something that you've asked them to do that you've demanded an expectation that you have, and then you remind them that they're never going to please you because they're never going to get it right enough, you're losing the opportunity to help get more cooperation and more listening. Number nine, bite your tongue. Bite your tongue. Let them do what is expected of them. And just see what happens. And if they don't do it, see what happens with the natural consequences rather than trying to control everything. Remind them constantly. Nag them, because you're setting them up to rebel. You're setting them up not to listen. So bite your tongue when you get the urge to say, like, you know, we talked about how you were going to do your homework. When are you going to do it? What's your plan? All that stuff. And by the way, I do all of these things, so I just. I probably should always say the huge reminder of you want to get this more often than not, and the rest of the time you're probably going to screw it up and who cares? But when you can bite your tongue, let them be do or not do the task. Especially as kids get older. When they're younger, you might want to give a little reminder of what's expected of them, but then let them blow it. They need to. They need to see the natural consequences rather than having you fix it all. And remind them that they don't know how to do things without you. And number 10, make sure that you are actually needing what you're asking of them. Have them feel like they're stepping up, because without stepping up, it would just be a less happy household, or they would be disappointing their teachers, or they really wouldn't be helpful to their friends because that makes you feel like your actions matter. If you were supposed to clean the dishes, and now it's dinner time and the dishes weren't cleaned, nobody gets to eat. Nobody has anywhere to eat. And so everybody's like, wait, I thought the. I thought the dishes were done. They're not done. So now we have to wait to have dinner. And so we see these sort of natural consequences of not doing something that was expected of you. And then also you're. You're showing that, like, I don't. I just don't ask you to do things for fun, but I really value your contribution. We're all very busy. We all have a lot going on. And so doing your part and listening actually helps everyone. It's considerate, it's cooperative, and it matters. It matters to this household. A lot of the examples I gave are chores. And I think that's because chores are such a fantastic opportunity to practice the skills of listening and cooperation, especially when they're authentic and necessary. But this can, you know, be for anything, that what you're asking of them really is necessary for them to step up, whether it is getting their homework done so that they are finished. And can go to the party that they wanted to go to or whether it's the dishes, it doesn't really matter. What matters is just making sure that your needs, that what your expectations are, are something they can step up to. And because if they don't, other people are going to feel the blow. People want to feel like they matter, like they're necessary, like their contributions matter. And you can remind them of that also in other examples when they're doing something for someone else, when there is an expectation. I mean, going back to the homework.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (35:50)

Example, and you know, I'm not a.

Dr. Laura Markham (35:53)

Big believer in homework for young children. So this is about older kids, this example. But for older, you know, for a tween or a teenager, part of getting them to motivate to do homework isn't just for learning, but it's also they're a member of a classroom. Their teachers worked really hard. There is a certain expectation. Do they want to contribute to that expectation? That is much more motivating than for a lot of kids than like, do this because I want you to do well in school. Okay, so Those were my 10 practical ways to increase listening and cooperation. Again, with the reminder. Just more often than not, these are just small things to pay attention to and with the reminder that if you have a super compliant kid, this is probably not the thing that you have to focus on. You know, we all have different things we have to focus on in our parenting. If you have a really compliant kid, you actually might want to do the opposite of a lot of these things and help them realize that they don't just need to be a pleaser. Now, as promised, a very short mindfulness meditation. In this case, this is making friends with the imperfect present, because we know that studies show a link, a correlation between mindfulness and self compassion, which is the antidote to perfectionism. And when we work on this for ourselves, it helps us with working on it for our kids. Okay? So wherever you are, unless you're in a car, I invite you to, you know, sit on a chair, feel your feet on the ground. You can do this walking, you can do this lying down, whatever makes you feel more comfortable. You can close your eyes a little bit unless you're driving. And then please keep your eyes open and just allow yourself to look around where you are. Take a breath in through the nose, out through your mouth, and just notice the colors in the room or in.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (38:12)

The park or in the car.

Dr. Laura Markham (38:17)

You can notice the windows, the curtains, or the sky and the grass. Really, I just want you to consciously notice five things that you're looking at. And then as you look around, just.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (38:34)

Take a breath.

Dr. Laura Markham (38:37)

And let yourself take in the environment. And what this does is it grounds you in right now so you don't need to think about what you need to do in five minutes or what you didn't do five minutes ago. And then I just want you to.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (38:57)

Bring your attention back to you instead.

Dr. Laura Markham (39:00)

Of the things you're looking at. And just take a breath and I just want you to notice are you clenching your hands or are your shoulders squeezing? Just let go. So now your body is ready, it's sort of present.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (39:24)

And I just want you to think about putting your hand on your heart again.

Dr. Laura Markham (39:28)

If you're driving, don't do it. Put your hand on your heart and just think as you're breathing I can tolerate my own flaws and inadequacies. I can tolerate my children's flaws and inadequacies. Our failures, just like our successes, are part of the human experience. When something upsets me, I can keep.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (40:03)

My emotions in balance.

Dr. Laura Markham (40:05)

More often than not, I can tolerate.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (40:09)

My children's flaws and inadequacies.

Dr. Laura Markham (40:13)

More often than not, I can tolerate my own flaws and inadequacies. More often than not, take a deep breath in through the nose.

Podcast Host/Ad Reader (40:30)

And a slow breath out. And you just did a little micro meditation. Maybe it was a mini meditation because.

Dr. Laura Markham (40:40)

It was a little longer than a Microsoft.

Disclaimer Voice (40:54)

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.